Dec 102011


I was able to get Speck a burial plot after all, thanks to the recommendation of my friend Jessy. Totally withdrew from my mutual fund to make it happen, but it is what I want for her and she is more than worth it to me.

Henry wrapped her up in her favorite blanket (“She’s peed on it enough times,” he tried to joke, but I silenced him real quick with one sharp look) and we took her out to an animal shelter in Elizabeth, PA, where I was left to stand alone near a young couple adopting a kitten.

“He’s gonna die someday!” I wanted to scream like a crazy old hobo lady, because I couldn’t bear to see how happy they were while I was standing there openly weeping, waiting for someone to bring me the burial paperwork.

And that was a bag of dicks, sitting in a drop-off room with a shelter employee while she asked me questions like, “Do you want us to seal the casket today or do you want to be able to see her again on the day of the burial?” I just wanted to die. “Can you bury me too?” is how I wanted to respond.

And there were no tissues in that room!

So then a woman came in with a cat mewling in pain. She calmly stated she was there for euthanasia and then proceeded to stand RIGHTNEXTTOME and watched as I started to cry harder.

After that, it was time to hand over Speck, and Chooch insisted on carrying her in himself. Look, I get that he’s only 5 and he really has little to no concept of what is going on, but when he brought her into the room, he loudly spat, “Ugh, this is disgusting!” at which point Henry snatched the blanket-wrapped Speck from him and I had to drag him out of the room because he started saying rude things about the cat who was there to get euthanized.

He totally made it a million times worse for me.

While Henry took care of Speck, I kept Chooch in the room with all the cats up for adoption and it was totally unbearable. None of them looked cute to me. None of them were Speck.

We ended up leaving at the same time as the lady who brought the cat in to get put to sleep. “And she talks like a man,” Chooch announced in his typical invisible megaphone voice, pointing right at her. It was utterly embarrassing. But then, an hour later, Chooch burst into tears while eating a waffle. This was after berating Henry for seemingly unrelated things, but I guess he was just projecting, just like me.

“I have never seen two people be so sad & mad at the same time as you two,” Henry said wearily. It’s enough that he has to deal with me and Chooch on a daily basis, but it’s a whole different story when it’s a mourning me and Chooch.

Today was one of the worst experiences of my life and I’m just going to go ahead and rank it up there with the death of my pappap. I just can’t stop crying. God, she was so annoying at times, but she was my Speck and I will never have another.


  15 Responses to “Coping: Can’t wait to do this 3 more times”

  1. I’m so sorry Erin, I understand how hard losing one of your furry family members. Since I’ve been with Ty his family has lost both of their longtime cats. I hope for the best for you!

  2. I’m so sorry. =[ I hope you’re hanging in there. *hug*

  3. I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine how hard it must of have been to go to the animal shelter but glad you found a burial for her.

  4. Big hugs to you and Chooch.
    I had to have our year-old pup euthanized for (her) health reasons more than a year ago, and it STILL bothers me, even though I believe it was best for her.
    It’s a little easier when they die a natural death (like your Speck), as one of our old dogs did this summer , but it’s just as much of a loss. My hubby buried her out in our farmyard, under some nice trees; I say hello to her when I walk over there, and like to imagine she’s still patrolling the yard in spirit, like she always did. Just that I can’t see or hear her now.
    “They” do say our pets remain with us after death; hope it’s true!

    • Kate, thanks for your sweet words. It is nice to know people care & understand what it’s like. Just like losing a legitimate friend or family member. :(

      If we owned our house, I would have had no objection to giving her a burial in the backyard. In fact, I wish she could remain that close. But we rent this house & I didnt want to bury her in a place where I might not be able to come back to someday.

      I just want the best for her. :(

  5. My heart bleeds for you, Erin. We had to have our beloved 15-year-old sweet dog “put to rest” in September and it was horrific. My head is still wanting to explode from the thought. I held her as she went down; it was unbearable and still is to this day.

    • Oh Barb, I’m so sorry to hear that. :( You know, the only time I ever saw my stepdad cry was when I was a kid and he had to get our husky put to sleep. That dog had been his since his bachelor days and while it was super sad for me, I couldn’t fathom then how torn up my dad must have been on the inside.

      I got Speck when I was 18, so now I know. This feels different than all the family dogs I lost growing up. Not that I wasn’t a mess then, but this just feels different.

      I hope Speck and your dog are friends wherever they are now. <3

      • What a sweet sentiment! Lassie did like cats! (Yes, her name really was Lassie. My daughter was 8 years old at the time and she named her.)

  6. :( this is horrible.
    So sorry to hear about the loss…I still think about mine almost daily…it’s been years. They become quite special, I know.

  7. oh erin, i’m so sorry. my cat died last year and my parents had her cremated. she now lives in my bedroom (at my parent’s) in a little wooden box with “stickers” engraved on a gold plate. i totally get it.

  8. So sorry you are going throught his. Rest in peace, Speck.

  9. When Koko got real sick I was on vacation. My friend was taking care of the dogs and called me….she really thought I needed to come home. I still cry when I think about it. She was my perfect dog and could never be replaced. But I was such a basket case I found a hospice vet that came to the house to put her to sleep. There is no way I was going to be able to drive a car and get her to a vet. The vet that came to the house was a saint. She sat on the floor with me for over an hour, petting Koko and asked me to tell her all about her. Strangely enough it was very comforting. It was a very sad and strange day I will never forget. A lot of very strange things happened that day with the other two dogs. Pebbles passed away the same day as Larry’s mom’s funeral. I woke up that day and could just tell something was not right with Pebbles. Larry told me take her to the vet….family at the funeral would understand. I got to the vet at 9am. They told me she had a virus. Gave me some medicine. Walked her out to the car, got her in the front seat and by the time a got in the car she was slumped over. I picked her up, ran back in the vet. She slumped on the floor in the waiting area and no one was helping me. I was a mess. The told me the didnt have a room to put her in. Some lady in the waiting room with her dog started yelling at the staff to just help me. They sent me home and said the would call me. By 10:30 I was home. At 11 am I got the first call that she wasnt breathing on her own and was on O2. They were going to intibate her. At noon I got the call she passed away. In its own way it was worse than Koko’s passing. Bear was so depressed for weeks after that. To this day I think my Tess has both Koko and Pebbles in her. I still miss them so much. Sorry to babble on and on but I know exactly how you feel. They were my family.

    • Oh Susie, both of these stories are so sad and traumatic. I’m so sorry you went through that. They were more than just your family–they were your babies. I will never forget Christy and I dog sitting for you that one new year’s eve! They were both so sweet.

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