Jul 142012
 

FML. FML. FMFL.

Was forced to go to Warped Tour again. It was pretty terrible but not as bad as in previous years, mostly because we are only marginally poor now so I was able to buy as many bottles of Coke as I wanted and I even bought FOOD this time instead of sitting under a tree, nibbling on contraband granola bars. (Erin still did this because she is a cheap whore and honestly thought she was going to save money to buy merch; little did she know she was funding my free-flowing supply of COCA COLA.)

I don’t even like Coke.

It was hot, but not “need to apply Desitin in a bathroom stall” hot.

The first shitty band we saw was Chelsea Grin. They weren’t even on the stage yet and I knew I was going to hate them based on their bleeding eyeball signs. And then they came out and the screamer started screaming and it was like being anally probed by their band name’s font. Then the screamer started to sing and I said, “He should just go back to screaming” and Erin did that thing where she looks at me like I don’t get it. But what is there to get about a band who sound like a satchel of shrieking newborns on steroids. Of course Erin would like that shit because it sounded as schizophrenic as one of her daily temper tantrums.

I got a free beef jerky sample and that was pretty good. Here is a picture of me eating that. I don’t know what stupid band was playing during that though, but I bet there was screaming in it.

Then I ate some wings and fresh potato chips. Here is a picture of me eating that too. Sure, my meal cost about $20, but I didn’t mind so much because that was one less pair of scene kid YOLO booty shorts Erin could buy from some obnoxious merch dick. The fact that some stupid band was shouting on a nearby stage negated the happiness that I felt from the food. At least I got to sit down while I ate, but that was only because Erin was waiting for some other band to start playing so she let me.

And then that band began playing and I got to re-taste my meal.

Everyone depended on me to hold up the barrier during Pierce the Veil. We are all lucky we’re alive. Those kids really act like feral hillbillies when they hear music sometimes. I was hoping one of them would hit me so I could punch them back call my mommy call the cops.

I know, it looks like I am sleeping while standing in this picture. That is because I am.

I’m surprised there was not a terrible band there called Sleeping While Standing.

Ugh, I hate kids and I hate music and I hate kids who love music. And I hate whatever band that is, too.

Sometimes I just walk away because I need to sit down.

Don’t look at the half-naked 16-year-old. Don’t look at the half-naked 16-year-old. Don’t let Erin see me looking at the half-naked 16-year-old. Oh shit, don’t let the half-naked 16-year-old’s DAD see me looking at the half-naked 16-year-old.

COME AT ME, BRO.

Got to take a nap on the lawn during Breathe Carolina, which was great, but then I dreamt that I was drinking Yoo Hoo out of Jeffree Starr’s mouth with Jonny Craig. Woke up needing a cold shower and pissed that I know who Jeffree Starr is thanks to fucking Warped Tour.

Then the Used screamed some songs and I finally got to leave.

Highlights: beef jerky; avoiding Blood On the Dance Floor; not getting stuck in parking lot traffic on the way out.

Lowlights: Finding Erin after I lost her in the crowd; the existence of Blood On the Dance Floor; everything else.

Music has really gone downhill since I played in that Ted Nugent cover band when I was in THE SERVICE.

(I may have had some or a lot of help writing some or all of this.)

  13 Responses to “My Day at Warped Tour 2012: By Henry J. Robbins”

  1. This is the greatest Henry post ever

  2. I think I’ll just have her write all my posts.

  3. Fantastic!

  4. Really enjoyed this one – regardless of who actually wrote it! :-)

  5. Haha this is awesome. I love it when Henry comments, too.

  6. Bwahahaha!

  7. This is hilarious!!!!! (I should just cut and paste this comment on all your posts!)

    Whoever wrote it–it’s a gem.

    Totally sending this link to my mom and husband. My mom enjoys grumpy old man humor and I use Henry to try to guilt my husband into participating on my blog. It hasn’t worked so far…

  8. This is awesome! Henry’s vocabulary is really coming along, and it’s evident in this submission! This gave us the chuckles, big time:)
    We should get Henry and Pete to pitch the idea of Desitin strips to the company. You know, for easy and quick application to those tender chafing areas after logging long hours at an amusement park or concert. We could send them to corporate headquarters in bowties, and have them pitch the idea with the slogan “On the go? Then bring your strips-for all that chafes between your hips!” (copyright 2012 Peter Siegel) Seriously, he wants me to credit him for that line and is quite proud of it, hence the copyright crap. :)

  9. As usual, I have The Tolhurst to the point of tears. This just made my morning.

  10. Next time you should sneak Mt. Dew in your underwear. I’m also sad that Erin didn’t get YOLO booty shorts. You guys could share them!!

    Why is Henry’s pain so humorous?

  11. I would also be looking at the half naked 16 year old. As a matter of fact I saved it on my phone to enlarge my view. She wanted to be looked at or she would have worn a snowsuit like a god fearing christian. In addition to me being a pervert, I hate noise and children too.

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