OMG WE’RE ON OUR WAY, G-DRAGON! Today is definitely a live-blogging occasion.
7:47am: We’re officially on our way to Toronto and Henry has already called someone an a-hole and a dickwad because he’s so fucking PG-13 (and no it wasn’t me!). Oh wait, he just called me a smart ass and said it’s not too late for him to just drop me off at work. Ugh. (It’s true though – we’re going to pass downtown here in about 30 seconds. GOODBYE WORK FRIENDS!! I hope someone moves my face ahead one day on the calendar!)
When we were getting ready to leave, Henry found this in his suitcase:
Henry got some hipster trail mix that has mulberries in it. I haven’t thought about mulberries since I was a kid and my brother Ryan and I found mysterious berries on a tree in the backyard and ate the FUCK out of them, causing my mom to panic because she didn’t know what they were. Turns out they were mulberries and we lived to tell the tale! I used to call them “mmmmmmmmmul-hhahahahahahaaha-berries” in a weird throaty voice, who knows why. Also, I was like 13 when we were eating maybe-poison berries so I guess I should have known better? Henry said this isn’t surprising to him at all.
8:24am: Hi me again. We just stopped at Sheetz because I was about to bite henry if I didn’t get coffee asap. He tried to explain to me what the “spill kit” is next to the gas pumps because I have literally never noticed it before – apparently its kitty litter-esque stuff to throw down on gas spills? I never would have guessed that. “Yeah you would just panic and leave if you spilled gas,” Henry sighed, and then I went into Sheetz and ordered my coffee and breakfast and paid for it without waiting for henry because I couldn’t stand there for another fucking second without my morning medicine. Henry acted all sad when he finally came in and saw that I was already waiting for my order. “You paid already?” YEAH HENRY I DONT ALWAYS NEED YOU OK?!
No wait come back, j/k!!
9:32am: just spent the last 30 minutes talking about teeth and now my entire mouth feels so sensitive ugh. I’m very obsessed with teeth & have recurring nightmares of losing mine. Ughhhh.
10:34am: It wouldn’t be a road trip if we didn’t stop at Target to buy all the things we forgot to bring.
Seriously though there are mulberries in our trail mix.
10:42am: I was super sad to say goodbye to Chooch, btw. I told him last night that I’m going to miss him so much and in typical Chooch fashion, he said, “I’ll miss you too, but….we live together and see each other every day. Sometimes I need a break.”
I still hugged him this morning like Elmyra from Tiny Toons hugging a squirrel.
11:13am: Once we cross the border, i gotta dip into airplane mode until we get to a place with wifi, so if I go silent for awhile let’s hope it’s for cellular reasons and not because I was arrested at the border because someone turned me into a drug mule in my sleep.
On that note! Here’s a G-Dragon video that you should definitely watch and appreciate his porcelain beauty (fun fact: the word that’s being beeped out is the Korean word for bastard):
11:35am: It’s way past time for my second coffee injection and Henry is NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. I keep growling and he’s just like, “Ok scary dog, calm down.” I’m about to rip his beard off and turn it into a motherfucking merkin.
11:54am: Hi guys we just stopped at a rest area in “some stupid place in NY” according to Henry’s atlas, and we got to cross the highway on a walkway! I LOVE THESE KINDS! Here are some exciting photos:
Henry was less stoked about walking through this thing than I was.
Anyway wow what a cluster of a rest area. Henry cried because he couldn’t get a pretzel (“THERE WERE TWO LINES MERGED INTO ONE! PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!”) but I got an iced latte at some kiosk serving “ITALY’S FAVORITE COFFEE” (LaVasomething) so I just calmly giggled at Henry’s irrational madness and waved him off with a Parade Queen hand. OH SILLY HENRY.
I also got to see some girl trip and I like things like that. What a wonderful rest stop experience.
12:23pm: Passing Buffalo. I haven’t been here since 2008, when I met shitty Jonny Craig.
Crossing the Peace Bridge to the border!
See you later, friendos! I’ll keep all my updates in Notes so I can barrage this thing with them later! Hopefully we don’t get stopped and searched at the Border! Henry asked why would we and I was like because you look like you just came down from the mountains for the first time in 18 years after writing a Manifesto? I mean le duh?
Me: WHAT IF THEY DRAW THEIR GUNS
Henry: WHY? WHY WOULD THEY????
12:53pm: WELL WE GOT PULLED OVER BC THE GUY WAS ASKING QUESTIONS AND HENRY STUTTERED WITH EVERY ANSWER. He asked how we know each other and I’ll tell you why he asked that ITS BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MARRIED AND NOW WE HAVE TO DO AN ID CHECK BECAUSE HE THINKS HENRY KIDNAPPED ME.
He asked why we’re visiting and henry was all, “oh um uh uh conc—-leisure….leisure concert.” ?????
The guy asked who’s playing and henry was like G-DRAGON in the most unnatural voice ever and how was this man in the fucking SERVICE?!
1:05pm Thank god we didn’t have to wait very long before someone came over and took our YELLOW SLIP. he asked why we were visiting and we went through another round of A CONCERT.
Who you seeing?
And then a knowing head nod but DO YOU REALLY KNOW?
So he sent us inside for an ID check and there was no one else there shockingly so we strode right up to the counter and went through the THIRD G-Dragon exchange with the guy at the counter who ran a background check on us and asked “is there anything I’m going to find?” and I said no but my head was swirling with uncertainties. I DONT KNOW IS THERE?! There are parts of my life I can’t remember! God only knows what I may have done!
1:30pm: Everything’s in kilometers and I just don’t know.
1;52pm Obligatory Tim Hortons stop. The restroom faucet didn’t recognize my American hands and we struggled. Then henry got a handful of change back and we struggled some more.
Back in the car. I made him change the 90s r&b station because I’m not ’bout that life anymore. So the very next station that came up is playing POPULAR ROMANIAN DANCES! I’m way more Korean now than I am Romanian but I was like STOP THE SEARCH! THIS IS THE STATION!
Meanwhile one of those Great Lakes is next to us and I keep getting creeped out.
2:14pm: We just crossed over some large bridge into Burlington (I guess?). I took a huge whiff and cried, “Aw it smells like a water ride! It smells like the Log Jammer!”
“That’s a sewer,” Henry calmly inserted.
3:04pm: In Toronto, mostly!
My first impression is one of unease. Every building is glass! It’s so much glass! It’s a city of glass!
5:05pm: Just finished dinner at The Peasant Table with my friend Chris (not of Chronica fame) whom I haven’t seen since the last time the Cure was nominated for a Grammy (2001 you dum-dums)!
6:23pm: Ugh Chris left to go back home to St. Catharines – it sucked saying goodbye after finally seeing each other after 15ish years! I was afraid it might be awkward because I’m so socially backward now but it was like we hang out all the time, plus we talked about Marcy [RIP] because he knew her.
Now we’re relaxing for a bit in our airbnb that Chronica recommended to us and our host Mark is great — I mean, I guess he is! Henry has talked to him like three times already and I keep missing him so he probably thinks I’m some stuck/up hoebag.
But yeah anyway after dinner we got ice cream at Ed’s even though I wanted Sweet Jesus but the one in this area is just a window and I want to go to the one I saw in some asshole vlogger’s video because it seems more Instagram-worthy and yes I AM THAT TACKY. Ed’s was supposed to be famous but it was just so-so. I had the Leslieville Honey and it was alright.
We strolled around for a bit and I saw a million places I wanted to go into but I’m trying not to buy things because the Kpop lifestyle has broken me (although there IS a swag lamp I’m considering going back for). I also learned that pedestrians can push a button and THEN POINT AT CARS TO STOP DRIVING so that they can cross the street — how can this work?! But we pushed the button and surivived!
STOP. JUST STOP.
We had a really great talk with Chris about the state of America and it’s always interesting to hear things from a non-American perspective. Chris also explained Canadian monies and gas prices to Henry. Ugh, such adulting.
Henry felt threatened by Chris’s beard though.
8:25pm: OK UPDATE. We rested for a bit and then came out to explore. I made henry pose for pictures which typically Chooch would be sourced out for. He wasn’t thrilled, but he obliged because GUESS WHOSE BIRTHDAY WEEKEND IT IS.
We stopped so I could medicate with coffee at Tango Palace and now I know what’s missing from our back porch: a huge, protruding statue.
Henry said he couldn’t imagine why everyone keeps looking at me and then remembered I’m a Ladychild with flashy-yet-juvenile accoutrements. In this case: my shiny ray gun purse. I mean they certainly aren’t admiring my face.
Then we stopped st some drug store to buy a brush because it’s rule to have to stop at least twice in a trip to buy shit we left at home, and henry was so smug because he was able to pay in coins thanks to Chris’s tutorial.
Right after, we walked past some people speaking Korean and I started to cry. Henry had the “oh for gods sake” lip-twist.
We’re currently sitting at Hi Lo, a bar that’s totally my speed—kind of divey but not gross. Henry is trying to determine if our drinks were expensive. Except that now I’m complaining because I’m hungry again and henry is all, “We should have went somewhere that has food but you picked this place” and I defensively said “yeah because I liked the lights???” I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING ACCUSED OF SOMETHING OK.
8:41pm: LOLOLOLOL DRUNK A LITTLE. YOU GUYS SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT IM NOT ON FB ANYMORE.
8:51pm: OH SHIT WE’RE AT KABOOM CHICKEN – come at me, kimchi fries!!
9:48pm: We’re back at Mark’s pad and I am fucking tired and half-drunk. I think I need to sign off. Tomorrow is Koreatown+additional exploring! I even brought my real camera!