Feb 272019
 

The only notable thing about this last weekend is that it was the last one of February! It really feels like we’re nearing winter’s finish line! ANY FUCKING DAY NOW.

I thought that we were supposed to have nice weather that weekend but I must have been looking at some other city’s weather forecast because I think it rained all day on Saturday? Why can’t I remember?! All I know is that Henry and I went for a walk to the post office and to whatever that cafe is on Brookline Blvd so I could buy a bag of what Henry thinks is overpriced coffee but hello it’s La Prima which is one of the best coffees in this shit city and it is what I like so until you start drinking coffee, shut your furry fucking mouth, Henrik the Dick.

(I’m so creative with my name-calling.)

Yeah I think most of Saturday was spent exercising, going on dreary walks, and watching K-dramas. Although that night, I wanted to watch a horror movie and, on recommendation of one of my favorite pin makers, I chose Digging Up the Marrow.

Look, I can find redeeming qualities in almost any horror movie because that is my favorite genre, and this movie did have its moments but I was pretty disappointed. There were is many loose ends! I kept asking Henry rhetorical questions two days later and he was just like, “Hold on, let me look at the script I wrote for this movie 5 years ago and see if I put the answers in there.”

Then came Sunday:

Chooch went to piano lessons. Bye Chooch. I stayed home and can’t remember what I did. I think I exercised and watched videos of NCT speaking different languages.

Janna came over that afternoon because we had coffee plans and ultimately decided to go to Orbis in Mt. Lebanon. The weather was super weird on Sunday and kept getting worse, but I swear when I whined about wanting to walk there, it wasn’t that bad yet.

Ok, it was pretty bad. It was starting to rain a little but the wind, oh Lord THE WIND. It was the kind of wind you’d imagine rushing out of the gates of Hell. We were only a block away and could have, should have, turned around to get the car, but I was like IT IS NOT THAT BAD. IT JUST FEELS BAD RIGHT NOW BC WE ARE WALKING UPHILL. I mean, we were bent over and walking headfirst into major barometric resistance.

(Lol I don’t know what barometric means.)

We probably looked like dumbasses to everyone driving past us, I mean NO ONE in their right mind was on foot in that wind-storm.

It got so bad when we were about halfway there that we had to duck inside the doorway of Erik’s Lighting because trees and store signs were swaying with a vengeance.

I had all these awful, catastrophic scenarios flying through my mind, like what if the wind gained micro-burst strength and tossed us into the air and we landed in the dreaded river on top of a dead body and rusty barge parts. Or if the Cain’s Saloon sign, which was dangerously swinging to and fro, snapped and flew straight into Janna, decapitating her crudely. And then her mom would slam me into a wall at the funeral home and wail, “WHY DID YOU MAKE HER WALK TO THAT FUCKING COFFEE SHOP I NEVER LIKED YOU AND ALWAYS TOLD JAN TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE YOURE TROU-HHAHAHAHAHAH-BLE!!!!!” And then I would show her the fake Kakao text log that I would have previously fabricated in secret under a blanket in my bed that showed me saying, “Hey, there’s a hint of decapitation in the air, let’s take my car to the cafe” and Janna is all, “No, I would prefer to walk. Don’t worry, if anything happens to me, it is totally, 100% my own fault and you shan’t be held accountable” because shan’t is a word Janna would probably use.

AND THEN IT STARTED TO HAIL!

Oh hahaha! What a miserable walk just for a cupping fuck of coffee.

YES.

CUPPING FUCK.

Also, the temperature was allegedly 45 degrees when we left so I didn’t wear a hat but by this point my ears felt like they were being repeatedly punched by a paragliding kangaroo. It was painful. And my hands were red and frozen because, you guessed it! No gloves.

I think I’m an adult?

Janna looked like her spirit had actually been blown out of her body, she was expressionless and barely talking to me.

“Hey, you wanted to hang out,” I reminded her.

My favorite part is when we finally got to the block that Orbis lives on but I forgot how far down it actually was and started internally panicking because I thought IT WASNT THERE ANYMORE. But then I saw the sign and felt relief until I realized I DIDNT CHECK TO SEE WHAT TIME THEY CLOSED. Some cafes close at 2 on Sundays! But thank god, it was open for another hour.

One of the baristas asked us what it was like out there and I blurted out WELL WE STUPIDLY WALKED HERE FROM BROOKLINE AND IT WAS PRETTY TERRIBLE and Janna was still trying to repair her broken spirit with a piece of chewing gum and some coffee stirrers so she didn’t say much.

She did however check a map to see how far we walked and I was like, “Oh it was only 1.6 miles!” Except add in a weird baby-tornado and face-smacking hail. That kind of makes a difference I guess.

But our drinks were warm and good and we treated ourselves to sugar-carbs, plus Henry came to pick us up because, yeah. We weren’t tryna round-trip that brutality.

Back at my house, Chooch and I forced Janna to watch rollercoaster POVs and Kpop stuff and then Chooch taught her what pansexual and gender fluid means because middle school kids know it all, however, I was offended that she didn’t remember pansexuality from when I wrote a post in my fake LiveJournal I ghost-wrote for her (pelvic_exam, lol) called Janna’s Pansexual Thanksgiving.

Ugh, oh well. That was my weekend.

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