Feb 032018
 

No really, this is the last. I swear. It’s just that I couldn’t sleep one night last week and I was thinking, “How can I further expand my card line/release some of this psychotic energy that’s keeping me awake?” And then I wondered if the Golden Girls would be a good fit with the serial killers and vintage porn stars of noncomposcards and you guys, I think it’s a good fit. I mean, someone bought two GG cards and a porn star set so…

Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!

I know I’m not alone in deriving great comfort from Golden Girls reruns. Like so many others, I grew up on this show in the 80s. Of course, back then, it was way too “adult” for me, and most of it went way over my head, but I still watched it because I loved Rose and her St. Olaf tales and Dorothy’s relationship with her mom and Blanche was always GOALS. I used to sleep over my grandparents house on Saturday nights and it honestly feels like yesterday when I would sit on the couch next to my Grandma, wearing some old oversized beer t-shirt as a nightgown, watching The Golden Girls and Empty Nest. (And Hunter but was that on Fridays? I only ever watched Hunter at my grandparents house.)

Very little in life has felt more comfortable and warm to me than those childhood Saturday nights on Gillcrest Drive.

I think like there are a lot of people who can relate to this!

Cheesecake & Chill?

Vertubenflugen

Blanche Devereaux Girl’s Night 

Funny story – one time many moons ago I sent Henry to the video rental place down the street and made him ask the guy in the back for Revolutionary War porn, so he was already flustered about that, and then he turned around and accidentally knocked over an entire rack of pornos, cutting his knuckle in the process and to this day I still refer it as The Porn Wound. He gets so mad.

Now you know something about me! Well, about my boyfriend.

My goal this past week was to get enough designs in order to make these available as a mini set because I think they’re no fun and novel. Originally, I was just going to make 8 designs and have 2 of each in the sets but because I love overachieving, not sleeping, and feeling stressed out, I ended up making 16 different ones, and finished it this morning!

The backs are cute AF, IMO.

Literally, not once in this Valentine promotion series have I had presentable nails. I’M SORRY, YOU GUYS. I’m hideous.

But enough about my chipped polish, what I like about these cards is that there’s something in there for both platonic friends and people you’re legit hot for.

This Sophia one is my favorite though because I love vintage porn and Sicily 1969 porn is probably pretty hot. Especially if it’s Mt. Etna-themed.

I know, I know – “Bea Mine,” what a fucking cop-out. But I wanted to get these done for you in time! I’m already jotting down ideas for a second set for next year, so I will redeem myself for being so basic.

Most of these are adapted quotes from the show, and I thought the Sophia one up there was actually super romantic if you think of it in terms of “Hey, let’s grow old and toothless together.” You know? Maybe I do have a heart after all.

Similar to the serial killer, porn, and kpop sets (god, what a collection), there are 16 different cards in this set, perfect for passing out like you’re still a kid in elementary school when the only care was, “YEAH BUT WHAT CANDY COMES WITH IT” – oh wait, that’s still a major concern! Fuck off with those fruit-flavored tootsie rolls!

And there you have it. The final editions to this 2018 V-Day season. $8 for the whole set!

Feb 012018
 

Here are some things that I’m currently super into, aside from photobombing 75% of my own pictures with my dumb hand.

  1. Trying to poison my work friends

I bought these “brown sugar flavor” rice crackers at the Asian market last weekend because that box is cute AF. I tried to tempt Lori with one, but she was all, “EW THESE ARE OUT OF DATE!” and I was like, “Oh shit, you’re right” and then I blamed Henry because he’s the one who usually checks for that shit at the store. I was going to throw them away but Glenn was like, “DON’T THROW THEM AWAY. THEY’RE FINE” and Lauren was like, “maybe just put a disclaimer on  them like you did with the [red bean White Rabbits].” I was going to do that but I forgot and then people started taking them on their own and by that point I felt like I was in too deep in my web of lies, so I just LET IT HAPPEN. No one has died yet. I did tell Lloyd that they were out of date and he said, “Well in that case, I’m taking two.” So then it turned into this weird carnival of people who wanted to eat the expired rice crackers, like it was a dare or something. And Glenn even admitted that he liked them. Not that they were “ok” or “not bad,” but that he genuinely liked them! It was still really funny though when Lori pointed out because I got all defensive and yelled, “NOVEMBER WAS NOT THAT LONG AGO!” and “I mean, it’s not like it’s MILK!” Oh, Asian snacks. You make the workplace so much fun!

P.S. Don’t let those bars of chocolate on the box fool you — there is no chocolate in these rice crackers.

2. Etude House Dear Darling Tint

So I kept putting this off and putting this off, but then I got an Amazon gift card from work for Christmas so I decided to finally buy some of this lip gloss I’d been wanting to try for awhile. It came from Korea so of course it took for-fucking-ever and I only just got it yesterday. Worth it. It’s so light and has a subtle grape taste! I love it and am going to buy so many more when I’m there next month. Here I am wearing it. I do not know how to model lipgloss.

3. Sharing old diaries and blog posts with Chooch

I was cleaning out my closet (LOL not really but sort of) and found my very first DIARY, which I have probably already shared on here before but it fucking cracks me up every time I read it (there are only three pages so it’s not like I have to carve out much time for that) because I am still basically eight years old. I let Chooch read it and he was obsessed and then was like, “THAT’S IT!? WHY DIDN’T YOU WRITE MORE?!” Now that he’s older, I’m having fun showing him some of my blog posts about him too, like this one I stumbled upon the other day from when he was sick in 2011. And then he’s all, “OMG was I really like that?” and then we get to have a real bonding moment all because I plastered his entire childhood all over the Internet.

4. Turning Henry into a fan boy

For Christmas, Henry got me a gift certificate for Choice Music (it’s all kpop). In a highly unusual and selfless move, I bought him something as well — the above standing Jimin doll so that we can be matching because I have the G-Dragon set. Jimin if you remember is the BTS bias I chose for Henry and he gets really flustered about it probably because it’s true. I couldn’t wait to show him this little gift, but when I gave it to him, he was like, “Are you fucking serious” and I was like, “You have to take it to work and keep Jimin on your desk!” but he said, “NO.” Ugh! Of course Chooch was like, “i’ll have it” though. Also, I should note that I only bought this because I was almost to my gift certificate limit and was trying to find something cheap.

I’ll tell you what though, Henry is totally a K-Drama whore though. I think Park Bo Young is his drama bias. I can’t start anything new without him appearing out of nowhere and asking, “WHICH ONE ARE YOU WATCHING NOW.” Sigh.

Just kidding it’s awesome and I love it.

5. Slangin’ my greeting cards!

You guys this has been the Valentine season we’ve ever had, to the point where we almost can’t keep up with sales. We keep our inventory low because it’s time-consuming to print and assemble the cards only to have them sit on a shelf for a year because no one buys it – even when we’ve analyzed our sales and determined what are heavy-hitters are, printing those in advance is a sure-fire to jinx sales. What this means is that most of our cards are made to order — it’s just more price-efficient for us that way. But those little sets that I made this year have been a hot commodity! So I think that once V-Day is over, we will try to slowly build up some inventory for those at least. I have been loving this though – these cards are my babies, and it just makes me so happy that there are people out there who like them, and a lot of them are repeat customers too!

This has also been keeping me busy and distracted so that I’m not flipping out or succumbing to depression or having a fit about the wind blowing the wrong way — you just don’t know with me. I’ve been pretty difficult to be around lately. Anyway, what this means is that my brain has just wanted to create create create so I’m also working on a Golden Girls line of Valentines! I’ll do a full post on those this weekend, but I’m pretty excited about them.

6. My K-Kountdown Kalendar!

After some of my coworkers found out about my upcoming trip, they started to question if there was going to be a countdown calendar like the one Lori made me for the G-Dragon concert. When my SHINee Season’s Greeting set came a few weeks ago, I realized that the poster-sized monthly calendars could be perfect for this cause. February 1st seemed like a good time to start, so I brought in the February (Onew!) and March (Jonghyun, RIP) posters, taped them up  to the side of my cubical wall thing, and then made an airplane.

Chris is really blessed that his office door is right in front of this so he gets to see these beautiful faces every time he emerges.

LOL my dumb face. Amber was like, “Aren’t you going to put Henry and Chooch on it too” and I was like THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM THIS IS ABOUT ME, a la 1988 Diary-Writing Erin.

The only downside to this is that there are some people here who didn’t previously know about this so the calendar unlocked Pandora’s Box and people had questions. Which is great but I have been trying to not be super-annoying about this for the sake of those who sit near me, but it’s hard for me to not be like, “OMG OMG OMG” especially when people are asking me about it! I had hoped to get through the whole day without hearing this, but eventually there was that one HILARIOUS “hopefully it’s still by then” comment. It’s whatever though. Traveling anywhere is a risk. Walking out the front door is a risk.

7. Poet/Artist

My Jonghyun preorder arrived today. I am obsessed with this album, especially the song “Take the Dive.” It’s so bittersweet that he didn’t stay with us long enough to enjoy the success of this release because it really feels like a masterpiece. :(

OK well, I had leftover kimchi bokkeumbap for dinner and now I need to put my head down or go for a walk, I haven’t decided which.

Jan 312018
 

Ugh, my lunch break walks are so depressing in the winter. This past month, they fluctuated between Motherfucking Arctic Freeze to Downright Unseasonably Balmy. We haven’t really had a chance to “get used” to winter when it’s 10 degrees one day and SIXTY degrees a few days later. Madness.

I still go out on my lunch break every day, even on the days when it’s in the teens, even when it’s snowing, even when it’s raining. Sometimes I might only last 25 minutes before surrendering to Mother Nature, but at least I got outside and moved for a bit, right? The thing I hate the most about winter is BOOTS. It’s so annoying having to change my shoes four times a day (when I get to work, before I go outside, when I come back outside, and then when I leave for the day). Sometimes, I’m lazy and just keep my stupid ugly boots on for the rest of the workday.

Like today.

#suchlaze

Because of the gross weather, not many people are outside, which means my crazy interactions with Pittsburgh civilians and alley dwellers are lacking. So I figured I would at least share some pictures taken on my various power-walks.

As I was taking this picture  in a desolate area of the Strip District, I thought someone was running up behind me and I screamed so fucking loud. But it was just a leaf, trying to be a tumbleweed.

On one of the not-so-frigid days,  I was able to wear a lighter jacket and NO WINTRY ACCOUTREMENTS (no that I don’t love my scarves and gloves, but sometimes it’s nice to be so weighed down and muffled). That meant I got to wear my beloved cow-spot jacket. I was on the phone with Henry when some guy in a fluorescent yellow hoodie walked past me and then turned around just to tell me that he liked my coat. “Reminds me of 101 Dalmations,” he said, and then he started singing happily but I couldn’t tell if it was “Cruella DeVille” or not.

“Who was that, one of your homeless friends?” Henry asked. This was right after he overheard me saying hello to someone else and he asked me the same question then too, and surprisingly, that time it wasn’t one of my homeless friends either!

“No, it’s my friend who sells flowers on the corner of Penn by Eides,” I said haughtily, like why am I having to explain myself to Henry anyway. I HAVE LOTS OF STRANGE FRIENDS DOWNTOWN. THEY PROBABLY THINK I’M STRANGE TOO.

I was walking by when this was being painted the other day.

Ew and then it was so cold and gross for a while that a bunch of shit froze, like the cool little walkway under the convention center. AIN’T NO ONE WALKING THRU THERE RIGHT NOW.

And the river walk is closed off because it’s all gross and full of ice clumps. Ugh, winter makes everything so ugly.

So what do I generally do on my walks? Usually, my first mission would be to get a latte in my hand as soon as possible, but I’ve been trying to keep my latte addiction on lock lately, so I’ll usually only stop at a cafe once or twice a week. Sometimes, I’ll have to go to the post office to mail international card orders (we just got our first Sweden and Switzerland orders yesterday!). I tried to go to one closer to our building but the lady who works there gives me the third degree every time, like I’m trying to send a metal file to my boyfriend in prison and not goddamn Valentine cards, jesus christ.

Then I usually call Henry afterward because dealing with postal things drives up my blood pressure.

One time, I was at the post office that’s inside the Westin (where I normally go because those peeps don’t give a FUCK what I’m mailing) but no one was behind the counter, two cops were at the front of the line talking abouot the embroidering on their cop jackets, an old lady in front of me had a stack of probably 40 green tax envelopes, and then an older guy behind me asked, “Is anyone even working?” One of the cops answered, “There’s just one guy here and he’s getting something for us” me and the old guy both said, “FORGET IT” at the same time and left.

I have as much patience as a surly old man! I’m so excited.

I need to start keeping more butterscotch candies in my coat pockets, though.

Static and Terror Town aren’t there anymore. This whole area just makes me sad. It’s so cluttered and junk-y.

Henry had the nerve to call me when I was trying to take this picture so I hit decline on his ass.

Heinz stuff is over there. Pittsburgh is famous for Heinz stuff, in case you didn’t know. Pittsburghers will spontaneously combust if anyone tries to serve them Hunts or says CATSUP in their presence.

Anyway, those are the Heinz Lofts now. If you move to Pittsburgh, you should live there and then let me be your roommate for cheap.

Don’t you love learning half-assed pieces of maybe-knowledge about Pittsburgh when you read my Lunch Break Tales?! It’s unreal that I’m not a Pittsburgh-famous blogger-historian by now.

Walking in the Strip can be so much fun in the warmer months because there’s street vendors and produce stands and general liveliness, but in winter it’s just a bunch of people walking around looking miserable. Except for the group of five people I passed on the sidewalk today who were SO HAPPY TO BE OUT TOGETHER that they conveniently forgot that the sidewalk didn’t belong to them and only them, just because a sidewalk is wide enough DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD ALL WALK IN A ROW AND TAKE UP THE WHOLE THING YOU SELFISH CUNTS. Both myself and the lady in front of me were nearly pushed off into the street by their sidewalk-hogger and I couldn’t help but let out a disgusted “UGH” and an eye roll, which was totally seen by one of the bitches in the group.

“Wow, you’re such a bad ass,” Henry said when I told him about it later (AFTER I TOOK MY PICTURE ON THE BRIDGE THAT HIS CALL INTERRUPTED).

But then other times people I see on my walks are so freaking nice, like this one lady-jogger who smiled at me for no reason and then I SMILED BACK, who even am I anymore, and the one young girl who cheerfully yelled over to me that she liked my pants and I was like THANK YOU and almost said “I know” because they were my bright red pants and they’re really awesome and everyone should like them.

Well, that concludes this past month in walking around the ‘Burgh. Mayhaps February will be more exciting. And maybe in the spring I’ll resume my Postcards from Erin’s Lunch Break project! Holla.

Jan 292018
 

Can we all just agree that waking up on Monday mornings is such a drag? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be alive and whatever, but the weekend already seems like such a distant memory by the time that stupid alarm goes off on Monday morning and my first thought is always, “Ugh, the trolley.” I know, such problems. Wah. But then I checked my phone and had a notification for the new Red Velvet MV on YouTube! Morning officially saved by the beauty of Red Velvet. I waited until Chooch and I were both ready for the day and then we watched it together and now you too can be like us and watch it as well:

Those late 90s r&b vibes, though.

In other news, I had lunch on Saturday with Gayle and Patty. This was a big deal to me because for the first time since Patty’s cancer diagnosis, I got to actually go out somewhere with her! She’s still using a wheelchair, but her mobility is really making great strides – she’s actually expected to make a full recovery and I cannot tell you how much of a miracle this is. She has been working so hard and deserves nothing but the best news. Please, if you’re reading this, cheer her on with me! She’s a goddamn inspiration.

Gayle and I felt like winners for getting Patty out of the house without any hiccups, and then Patty yelled at Gayle for trying to go the wrong way to Eat n Park and I was like, “LOL YEAH GAYLE GOD GET WITH IT.” Just like old times! (Miss you, Gayle!)

Anyway, at Eat n Park, we had a fabulous waitress and then Patty ordered an Oreo milkshake and in my head totally Homer’ing over it (“mmmm, milkshake”) and almost ordered one but then remembered that EnP milkshakes are always so unfulfilling to me. Don’t get me wrong, they’re fucking delicious, but I’m a pig for milkshakes and just feel that they don’t give you enough — they don’t even serve the extra ‘shake in the metal tumbler thingie like some restaurants do! RUDE.

So I held off and stuck with coffee and then was That Token Vegetarian that ordered a ham sandwich without the ham because I really wanted the gouda and apple slices that was also on it. Luckily, our waitress was cool and didn’t sneer at me and even said that someone else had just asked for the same thing that day. YES. SOLIDARITY.

Patty wanted to get the salad bar and asked if either of us would help her and since I wanted to be the hero, I offered to help. I was so nervous about this and I had a flashback to the time in 1999 when I had a blind date at Eat n Park (of course!) and the guy was wheelchair-bound and when I was pushing him out of the restaurant, he was groaning a bit and I was like, “WHY IS THE WHEELCHAIR NOT MOVING AND WHY HE IS MAKING THESE STRANGULATED NOISES” and oh, it was just because his one leg was dragging back behind him and I was literally PUSHING THE WHEELCHAIR over his foot.

That was not one of the my best moments and my old friend Keri was there to witness it and would not let me live it down for years. This may or may not be the reason we no longer talk.

(It’s not.)

So picture it: me, in charge of not only my friend Patty, but also HER SALAD. And I DID IT. I got her to the salad bar, I prepared a salad to her liking, and I got both of them back to the table with zero issues or spills or dragging limbs. I was like GAYLE, LOOK when we got back to the table and she was just like “mmhmm.” JUST JEALOUS OF MY HEROISM I GUESS.

Oh also! Fun side-note. Amber at work last week was perusing the itinerary for the Groundhog Day festival and saw that there’s a ventriloquist with the same last name as Gayle’s maiden’s name, so we have all been widely speculating and obsessing over this. I finally got the chance to interrogate Gayle, because if it’s true, how rude that she never told any of us! But she said she’s not sure and will find out. UGH more waiting.

In the words of Chooch: “to conclude,” my lunch with Patty and Gayle was very nice and it was nice to catch-up and admire Patty’s improvement. She is so bad-ass, you guys. How easy would it be to just thrown in the towel, but that girl is fighting and clawing her way out of the pit, and it is an honor to call her a friend.

BUT BACK TO MILKSHAKES. Later that evening, I was still thinking of milkshakes, so Henry took Chooch and me to Steak n’ Shake and I got a Frosted Flake milkshake because I am all about cereal-flavored desserts, and this goddamn milkshake did not disappoint. In fact, two days later, as I’m sitting her eating my sad cup’o’oatmeal, I’m still thinking of that milkshake. I want another one right now. Ugh.

The end.

Jan 282018
 

When I was designing the other Kpop mini Valentine sets, I kept thinking of all these different BTS ones I wanted to make, but the whole point of those sets was to have a variety of different Kpop groups representin’, you know? So then I thought, well, why not just make a series of all BTS designs?! You can never have too much BTS.

So I activated my Cringe Mode and got to work on 16 new designs! (Technically, 15 new designs – 1 of the 16 is available in one of the variety packs). Then I waited until my nail polish was sufficiently chipped before taking pictures of the result.

Chooch was so full of groans and disappointed head-shakes over the corniness of this particular set, which means I succeeded!

This J-Hope one, though.

Anyway, this set includes one design of each member alone (Jin and RM have two, though because I accidentally played favorites I guess), one of Cypher, and then a ton of the whole group.

I’m so excited about this collection! I love Valentines Day even though Henry is the worst when it comes at being romantic, and the thought of passing out little Valentines a la elementary school days is just so appealing to me! I might pass these out at work and force everyone to listen to a BTS song or 17.

Interested? This set, and two other kpop variety sets, can be purchased over at my Kpop card store on Etsy: Hello Hanguk!

Jan 272018
 

When I came home from a lunch date earlier today, I noticed that Henry and I were both wearing maroon shirts, plus Henry was wearing his maroon Stheart beanie. But then Chooch kicked out a leg, Rockette-style, to show us that he was wearing maroon pants. At first I was like, “this is sickening. I hate matching with you freaks” but then I came around to it and decided we needed an impromptu family picture because it’s been a really long time since we were all in a photo together. However, it’s an overcast day and there was NO natural light coming into the house, and our house interior is pretty low-lit to begin with. So this photo op was a struggle.

I had to open the front door and prop my phone up against the storm door thingie and set the timer.

It wasn’t going to get any better than this. But there, now you have proof that we all exist at once.

Carry on.

Jan 262018
 

  • I’m working my late shift from home today, which means that I had all morning to do “errand”-y things but mostly I just exercised and watched Heirs. I did, however, have to walk to the post office because we had a bunch of cards that needed scanned in. Even though we print the shipping labels straight from Etsy, Henry and I try to physically take them to the post office to have someone scan them in because sometimes this doesn’t happen and then wow, what a waste of a tracking number, when it never updates from “label printed.” Anyway, fucking Maureen was working today and she is goddamn miserable. I have dealt with her hundreds of times, and even talked to her at length once about the terrible experience she had as an Etsy user (“I bought a picture and the seller’s measurements were off by a half-inch!!!!!”), but today suddenly she decided that she could not scan these in for me because they didn’t meet the proper criteria for First Class shipping and I was like, “Are you kidding, because I have been doing this for 8 years and literally no postal clerk has ever said anything…” and she countered with, “Some clerks just don’t know the regulations but I have been here for 30 years…” and she was so mean to me about it, which was ridiculous because the post office had literally just opened so her day should not have been that shitty yet for her to treat customers so poorly (she straight up yelled at the old lady in front of me who was buying $40 worth of stamps “just to have, just in case.”). Fuck you, Maureen. Maybe it’s time to HANG IT UP. So then I walked to the other post office in Dormont where Jan happily scanned in my envelopes for me THANK YOU JAN. And again, FUCK YOU, MAUREEN
    • Then I walked to Muddy Cup where the psychic hand-toucher under-charged me for a Bleeding Heart iced latte and we bonded over The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony. I told her that it always reminds me of the day I went to get the key to my first apartment in 1997. It was raining hard that day in December, and I stopped at Music Oasis in South Park afterward to buy The Verve’s CD. THERE, NOW YOU AND THE COFFEE GIRL KNOW THE SAME FUN FACT ABOUT ME.
  • Henry said he couldn’t find Chooch the other day when I was still at work, and then found him sitting in a chair in the corner of his dark room (you can’t see back there unless you walk all the way into his room because it’s a little nook), with his eyes closed and Nirvana playing on his Alexa. He told Henry he was “just relaxing.” Why does that weirdo crack me up so easily!? Side bar: they’re learning about Nirvana in his music class at school which I think is just fucking wonderful, and also funny because when I was his age, Nirvana was definitely one of those bands that teachers “didn’t understand” and parents didn’t want their kids to listen to. That scary fucking Seattle grunge, and all.

  • My SHINee Season’s Greetings finally arrived the other day! Most of the kpop groups offer these really awesome calendar/planner sets each year. BIG BANG didn’t do one, but when I saw that SHINee had one, I knew I had to have it because Taemin is everything. And then the passing of Jonghyun happened, so this is even more special now, and also excruciating to see all of these beautiful pictures of his friendly face. Is it weird to still feel such a mourning sensation in my heart and gut? Because I do, and it’s there, and I’m not sure when it will be leaving, especially since his last album was just released posthumously this week and it’s stunning. A true work of art. He did so well, and now I’m choking on my stupid tears all  over again.
    • The song “Take the Dive” especially gets me so upset but it’s so good that I have been listening it to so much all week  because: torture.
    • Anyway, each month has its own book/planner thingie and I already started using mine as a mini-diary. Yesterday’s entry said,
      TODAY IS DUMB AND MY HAIR IS DUMB TOO. Is it still a diary if I just told you?

  • Some of you OHE readers have been around long enough to know that I used to have a pen pal on deathrow. His name is Greg and I started writing to him in 2002 or 2003. Anyway, somewhere around the time I started working at the law firm, I got lazy/busy/sidetracked and even though he was still sending me thoughtful birthday and Christmas cards, I was a terrible pen pal and never responded. Eventually, Greg stopped sending me letters and I would occasionally think about sending him a card or something but then I would get distracted and it would go back on one of 87 backburners. Ugh, I need to be more organized. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I received an email out of the blue from the woman he is now engaged to! She found my contact info online and it was so nice to receive a friendly email with updates from my old penpal. I asked her to remind me of Greg’s address, and this time I actually did send a card. I got a return letter from him this week and I was so happy! NOW CHOOCH ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WITH A PENPAL.
  • My current weight loss motivation is to be able to shop at the “one-size” clothing stores when I’m in Seoul and newsflash to me, this probably AIN’T HAPPENIN’ in under two months. I’m currently a size 6 in most brands and a size 8 in others, which is considered PLUS-SIZED in South Korea so congrats to me for being the future fatty American tourist. Maybe if I just stick with tops?! UGH.

  • I never see any of these people in Dormont?
  • Chooch just took a “where in the world should you live” BuzzFeed quiz and his result was Italy but the photo they used was THE SAME PICTURE USED FOR THE PUZZLE WE WERE DOING RECENTLY! YOU KNOW, THE DREADED PUZZLE THAT WOULD NOT LEAVE OUR DINING ROOM TABLE EXCEPT FOR THE 283704 TIMES A DAY THE CATS KNOCKED PARTS OF IT OFF!??!

Well guys, I’m off. Hope everyone has a splendid weekend!

Jan 242018
 

Friends. If you’re not into Valentines, skip this post. Because aside from exercising and watching k-dramas, making Valentines has been consuming my life for the last several weeks and I have to say, I’m not mad about it. Some might know that I have been making greeting cards since 2006 and have had a shop on Etsy since 2009 (I used to sell them out of my main art Etsy but then gave them their own brand after seeing that there was actually (surprisingly) a market for them!

Anyway, this little quick background check is all to say that my interest was really waning recently. I wasn’t really creating any new designs, even though I was getting convos from people asking for certain things, etc. But then I started to add kpop designs into the mix with the good old serial killer and vintage porn star standbys, and suddenly I felt excited and inspired to start creating again. I already posted twice last week about my new line of mini Valentines, but I had to come back and do it again because since then, I have added two new sets to the line-up: Kpop #2 and Serial Killers #2! I am so proud of my little babies!

So please indulge me for a few minutes while I gush and show off my new additions. I’m trying to be more pushy active with promoting my wares.

KPOP Mini Valentine Set #2 comes with 16 new designs!

  • 2NE1
  • Jin (BTS)
  • Bae Suzy
  • BIGBANG
  • Winner
  • Taeyang
  • Blackpink
  • SNSD
  • BTS
  • Kard
  • GOT7
  • F(x)
  • Mamamoo
  • T-ARA
  • U-Kiss
  • Red Velvet

I really enjoy making cards because I get to let my cringe-iness run loose & piss on some fire hydrants and postal carriers, you know?

Each set of 16 comes packaged in a little Valentine bag.

Both sets are only $8 a piece over at Hello Hanguk! I’m also working on a BTS set, as well, to appease all the Armys out there. (When really I just want to be making Taemin-only sets for daaaaays. *lovesick*)

Meanwhile, over on the darkside a/k/a noncomposcards, I made a second set of serial killer Valentines as well!

This set features some old standbys as well as some brand new designs that I made specifically for this set:

  • Harry Powers
  • Ed Gein #1
  • Gary Ridgway
  • Richard Speck
  • Charles Manson
  • HH Holmes
  • Richard Ramirez
  • Ken & Barbie Killers
  • Lizzie Borden
  • Aileen Wuornos (new design!)
  • Ed Gein #2
  • David Berkowitz (new design!)
  • BTK (new design!)
  • Zodiac Killer (new design!)
  • Jeffrey Dahmer
  • Jerry Brudos (new design!)

I’m so into these little guys. Please purchase some! I need money for Korea, lol. And remember, I made custom cards too so if you’re looking for something more specific to your interests, hit me up!

Jan 232018
 

Got the notification that this video was posthumously released last night so of course I watched it in bed and cried myself to sleep. He was such a treasure.

And true to form I’m watching it again now because what’s my life without a pre-work cry.

Jan 222018
 
  1. Cinnamon soy lattes from Prestogeorge. I also like how all the employees pull you into their convos like you’re all old friends. IT MAKES ME FEEL INCLUDED when I usually feel like an outsider, so thank you nice ladies at Prestogeorge who call me hon and babe.
  2. This latest Sunmi girl power anthem. I love me some Sunmi.

3. Bonding with Henry over Korean dramas. He is adorably into them. The other night, he poked his head out of the kitchen (where he belongs) and asked, “WHICH ONE ARE YOU WATCHING?!!?” thinking I was watching one of his faves without him but I wasn’t. (His current favorite is Strong Woman Do Bong Soon. He smiles so much when we’re watching it and it’s just the cutest thing omg do I have a crush on Henry!?)

4. Buying jeans from the juniors department at Kohl’s for the first time since like, 2003! Henry was like, “Oh boy. I am so proud to have a girlfriend who just keeps acting younger.”

5. Chooch’s piano teacher teaching him Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold the World” and his music teacher at school teaching the kids about Nirvana. These things definitely make me smile.

This has been my quick and pointless update.

Jan 212018
 

Dear friends, it is a Sunday and I am in the mood to hear the keys on my laptop tap (I pretend that it’s morse code) so you know what that means: a worthless bulletpoint post!

  • There has been speculation over the last few years that Pittsburgh might have a serial killer. I am definitely on the believing side of this and I’m PRETTY SURE I saw him during my lunch break walk the other day. He was standing on a corner, waiting to cross the street, this tall yet crooked older man, in his fifties with greasy black hair and a bald spot, wearing dirty black coveralls. HIS FACE WAS SO STRANGE I KNOW IT WAS HIM. I was on the phone with Henry and immediately described him. “Wow,” Henry said. “I’m so excited to be dating a CIA profiler.” Then I told Lori at work and she was definitely not convinced. “Aren’t serial killers supposed to just look like regular people though?” she countered and I was like SHUT UP LORI IT WAS DEFINITELY HIM UGH.
  • The coffee shop in Brookline has changed owners AGAIN. Now it’s called 802 Bean or something dumb (it’s just the address of Brookline Blvd, I hate when restaurants and cafes do that, like how generic and uninspired. Name it after your fucking grandma or something at least). Anyway, Chooch and I walked there on our day off last Monday and the broad running the place was nice enough but we miss the Lebanese man and his dog Max, and also the college girl who sometimes worked there and always asked me how Chooch was doing if I ever wandered in without him because all anyone in this damn town cares about is HOW CHOOCH IS DOING because he’s so fucking famous ugh. Anyway, Chooch said his hot chocolate was just OK and my chai latte was weak as fuck so as much as I love supporting our local businesses, I think I’ll just be patronizing Muddy Cup in Dormont from now on.
    • On our walk home, we were talking about why the other guy gave up Cafe Noir when we walked past his house (he lives right up the road from us) and Chooch pointed out in distress that the PLAYHOUSE THEY HAD IN THEIR YARD IS GONE OMG THEY MOVED NOOOOOOO. Chooch started crying because he loved their dog, Max. We told Henry and he was just like, “Oh.”
  • Henry generally picks me up from work (it’s the least he can do since he forces me to take the damn trolley every day!!!) and I allow him to park several blocks away from my building because it’s more convenient for him and also because I like to walk. In order to get to the car, I have to walk through Market Square. On Friday, some younger guy came out of Winghart’s (some fancy burger place that I don’t care about) right as I was about to walk past, so I ended up behind him. In front of Primanti’s, he slowed his pace and asked what appeared to be no one in particular, “Aren’t there any bars around here?” I looked around and I was the only one close enough that he could have been talking to, so I shrugged and went with it. I told him that there were, but that most of them were bar/restaurants and not just like, you know, dive bars. He asked me if I worked down there and there I was, naively answering his questions because I had an OK day at work and was not in my typical foul evening mood. He had fallen into place with me by this point and now we were walking together, which wasn’t uncomfortable at all (IT WAS), and he just kept asking me more and more questions and I was dumbly answering them because I either am super stand-offish or a goddamn motor mouth, you never know what you’re going to get with me. By this point, I could see our car and Henry was watching this whole thing play out from the driver’s side window. And then, as expected, the guy asked me if I wanted to get a drink with him and I was like, “NOPE THAT’S MY RIDE RIGHT THERE BYE NOW” and literally ran like Phoebe to the car. Henry loved every second that he witnessed. I was just happy that this guy was young, at least 10 years younger than me, and not the usual vagabond I attract while carousing around the streets of Pittsburgh. I mean, this guy at least looked like he had a job, but I’m not sure I believed him when he told me he was an “investor.” I haven’t been asked out since that one time two years ago when I was waiting to cross the street and some bum asked me for fifty cents and then wanted to know if I was single.
  • I have been listening to so much Taemin lately that it’s amazing I haven’t spontaneously conceived.
  • I grew tired of not being able to watch my Korean shows without Henry and Chooch, so I started some new ones without them and now Henry is all OOOH WHAT ARE THESE SHOWS WHO IS THAT WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT WHO IS THAT PERSON NOW and I’m just like WHYYYYYYY.
  • Chooch and my friend Lizz’s daughter have become pen pals and it’s the cutest thing! They both like Got7 so they write to each other about that. Chooch got his first letter from her the other day and was like, “Yeah it’s really cool and she sent me stickers, but she hardly wrote anything.” He showed me the letter, which had like three lines and then her signature. I flipped it over and said, “Um, did you even read the front?” Because THERE WAS AN ENTIRE FRONT TO THE LETTER but my genius kid started reading from the wrong side and then never considered turning the page over. #booksmart
  • I had to go to the post office yesterday morning to mail some cards (ETSY SHOP PLUG) and I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t have my wallet which is less of a wallet and more of a Pusheen ID holder that I shove all of my stuff into. I started to panic because I didn’t want to wait until Monday to see if I left it at work and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of canceling all of my cards, and then I started to have flashbacks of that guy who was walking with me after work on Friday and began to wonder if him feigning interest was all just a ruse to PICKPOCKET ME OMG I AM SO DUMBZ0RZ. But then Henry drove me down to work (I couldn’t take the T because my stupid ConnectCard is also in my wallet and I didn’t want to drive down myself because of parking and and and AISHHHHH what to do!!!) Henry dropped me off at my building and I expected to walk in and talk to the weekend  security guard immediately except that two guys from a vending company got there before me and were trying to make a delivery, but the frazzled security guy, who was also in the middle of a phone call, couldn’t find them on the schedule and was trying desperately to get them to go away but they were like, “That’s because we were supposed to be yesterday but couldn’t make it so please just let us in to make this delivery” and the whole thing screamed SCOOBY DOO EPISODE to me, like they were smuggling in haunted mummy parts in those supposed potato chip boxes, but the security guard was all, “No can do” so the leader of the fake vending delivery guys declared that he would make a phone call and be back, so those two stepped off to the side and the security guard started to go back to his phone call, but then saw me standing there, and I quickly cried about needing to find my wallet and could someone escort me to the 10th floor since I didn’t have my badge, so he held up a finger and into a walkie-talkie he calmly said, “Tyrone, please come down to the security desk” and I was like OMG WHAT IS TYRONE GOING TO DO TO ME” and then the security guy went back to his phone call, which evidently was with the police and he was giving some kind of report of an altercation he had broken up. After a minute or so, he thanked whoever was on the other end for their time, just as Tyrone had arrived. The guard called me back over to the desk to have me sign in while he was flipping through a binder of After Hour Procedures for my company. “What did you say your name was again?” he asked, and I noticed that he was looking for me in the employee listing. Things were starting to get tense as he couldn’t find my name and he tried to make me feel better by saying that maybe the list just hadn’t been updated.  I said, “Well, I’ve been working here for 8 years, so….” when I realized that he was looking in the E’s. “Um, maybe could you try looking in the K’s for Kelly?” I gently suggested, at which point he found my name and then it slowly occurred to him what he was doing wrong and he slapped himself on the forehead. Dude was having a bad Saturday morning at the law firm security desk, for sure. So then Tyrone escorted me to the 10th floor and made it very clear that he was in no mood for cordial small talk. He buzzed me in and asked if I needed anything else. “Do you need to stay and wait for me?” I asked, assuming that he did since I AM A SUSPICIOUS COULD-BE CRIMINAL. “I mean, no, because you work here, unless you need me to get you into any other areas?” he asked. I said I didn’t so he was all PEACE and left me alone to raid all the candy bowls. J/K, I just ran over to my desk, thankfully found my Pusheen wallet, and left. It took literally 10 seconds. When I got back down to the lobby to sign out, I cheerfully waved my wallet at Tyrone and the main guard, who were both just like, “Yay.” And that’s my lost wallet story.
  • Chooch is watching some dumb Disney show that he likes and I hate having English shit on in the background, what has happened to me.
  • This morning as we were waking up, Henry said, “Oh! I remember why I wanted to go to Pat Catan’s yesterday. I wanted to enter the $1000 sewing giveaway they’re having!” That’s my little Henry Homemaker. It’s now hours later and Henry went to Pat Catan’s like he had planned. I asked him if he entered the giveaway and he said, “Oh shit, I forgot.” Oh for God’s sake.
  • Chooch was sequestered in his room for a while yesterday and when he came out, he had all of these origami weapons, including paper Freddy Kreuger claws for every finger. Later on, he drew his paper gun at me and I actually flinched. He also made a paper knife with a red cardstock hilt and Henry was like, “DO NOT TAKE THIS TO SCHOOL I SWEAR TO GOD IF I CALL THAT YOU GOT DETENTION…” and that just made Chooch’s ego swell because clearly that means Henry thinks his dumb paper arsenal looks “real” enough to get him in trouble at school.
  • We had another Family Kpop Dance Workout Night last night! I think we’ve managed to make it an entire 4 weeks in a row without Henry making up some lame excuse, which leads me to believe that he must really like this. I like to put on the routines that are extra-specially stripper-y because watching him try to do bodyrolls with his trucker physique is amazing.
  • I made my first sale the other day in my new Kpop card shop and I was so excited about it at work and everyone just gave me patronizing smiles. Whatever.
  • Chooch has been writing disparaging things about Penelope on his whiteboard and I’m getting so mad! The other day he wrote “Penelope (dumb fuck). Drew (lawyer)” ugh. Penelope is not a dumb fuck!! She just…can’t jump very well.
  • Hey speaking of Chooch getting a penpal, I was contacted a few weeks ago by the fiancee of my old death row penpal that I lost touch with (totally my fault!). It was really cool to hear from her and she gave me Greg’s address so I could reconnect with him. I sent him a congratulations card last week and apologized for being a shitty penpal. We had been corresponding since like 2003 or so! So maybe now Chooch and I will both have penpals!
  • Ugh Chooch is driving me crazy with his weird paper weapons!! Every time I turn around, he is all up in my face with some dumb paper pistol and I just threatened to start a fire in a garbage can and throw his weaponry in it.
  • TWO MONTHS AND ONE DAY UNTIL SOUTH KOREA!!

Well, I need to go annoy my family with my high-maintenance demands. Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

Jan 192018
 

Perhaps you remember me whining last spring about how my good friend Lisa was moving to Idaho. Well, she moved to Idaho. And I have been missing her so much ever since! Even when she lived in Pittsburgh, she was really the only friend I talked to on the phone (LITERALLY TALKED TO ON THE TELEPHONE who even uses phones for talking anymore?!) so you would think that we would still talk fairly often even now that she’s gone and ditched the ‘Burgh, but those pesky time zones, man. Those pesky motherfucking time zones.

Ugh.

Luckily, she hasn’t completely forgotten me because I made the short list of people she wanted to see when she was back for a visit last week! She asked me about a month in advance if I was free on MLK day for dinner and I was like look if I wasn’t free, I’d make myself free! I mean, unless my prior plans were with G-Dragon. Then sorry, Lisa. We’ve seen enough of each other since high school, I’m sure we could skip this one time.

But sadly, I did not have prior plans with any beautiful Korean, so Lisa got lucky!

We met during a snow storm at Needle+Pin, which I had been wanting to try since it opened last year and Lisa was enthusiastically on board. It worked out for both of us because, since it’s Indian-English fusion, there are several vegetarian options, and it’s also one of only three gin bars in Pittsburgh and coincidentally Lisa has recently become a gin drinker.

Right off the bat, we had excellent rapport with not only the waitress, but the bartender as well, who came to our table to answer Lisa’s 1548452 questions about gin, while I was super low-maintenance and ordered the Blackberry Bramble simply because it sounded delicious and despite the fact that I’ve mostly avoided gin ever since my ex-boyfriend psycho Mike grabbed a bottle of it from my grandparents’ basement bar and got shit-faced on a hill in South Park in high school.

I just vomit-burped at the memory.

Anyway, the bartender–a sweet, young boy–praised my choice and I was so smug about that. Lisa had two different lemon-y gin drinks and was “meh” about both of them while openly coveting mine. It was so fucking good, you guys. And the best part was that the single, large ice cube slowly melted and mixed with the leftover blueberry syrup stuff at the bottom of my glass, so it was like the gin-gift that just kept gin-giving.

The ambiance and decor was just my style.

After the drink-ordering, we stressed over the food. The waitress broke my heart because they didn’t have the vegan bangers & mash that night, but the Tikka Masala I ordered was freaking delightful.

Lisa had ordering remorse again and it was just like old times.

And then I went back to 2008 and took this picture with my red Blackberry Curve. Here’s Lisa trying to steal some of my paneer.

Gin phone booth!

Lisa told me that on the plane to Pittsburgh, she was randomly sitting next to a man who started talking to her about he CS Lewis book she was reading and eventually she learned that he’s my second cousin Mike! His mom was my Pappap’s sister, and I haven’t seen him probably since I was 10 so I have very vague memories of him and that side of the family, however, Lisa said that the way he talked about my Pappap to her was exactly how I talk about him and I started crying right there over my Blackberry Bramble. Time has healed a lot but shit, I still cry about my Pappap A LOT.

A LOT, A LOT.

Overall, it was an emotional dinner. Ugh, it was so good to see her again and catch up!

MOVING OVER BY THE ELEPHANT FOR PICTURES WAS MY IDEA, OK!?

Lisa made me pose for this one and I hated every second of it. Payback for all the years of shoving my camcorder in her face I guess!

Before we left, we stopped at the bar and chatted some more with the bartender, who gave us straws and let us sample some gins. I think it’s safe to say that I will probably not be venturing out from the mixed gin drinks, but it was still fun to try and listen to him and Lisa nerd out about gin baths or whatever.

And then, just like that, the night was over, and I had to say goodbye to her all over again. Hopefully the next time I see her will be in Idaho. She was showing me pictures of where she and her family moved and it is definitely NOT Potatoville everywhere in Idaho, apparently!

Jan 182018
 

Still having a hard time accepting that he’s gone. I’ve only just finally been able to listen to his music again without feeling like my heart is being stomped through a cheese grater.

In other news, today I was so happy that Henry was driving me to work and I wouldn’t have to walk in frigid temps to the trolley that I bounded out of the house without any of my winter accessories. So then when it was time to go outside for my lunch-walk, I asked Todd if it was cold out.

He said something like “uh yeah, it’s January.” But then I asked, “But is it cold enough for hats, etc?” And he was like YES BUNDLE UP BRO.

So I ran to Wendy’s office and she dressed me appropriately in her extra cold weather accoutrements which all happened to be Pittsburgh Penguins branded, matching my gold tapestry coat perfectly. I was the most put-together I’ve ever been, probably.

Thank god for Wendy.

Anyway, just a quick little check-in. I’ve been al wrapped up in my greeting cards lately and I can usually only pay attention to one thing at a time so this poor limping blog is suffering. Sorry, blog. I’ll try to be a better fake-writer after our busy Valentine card season is over!

(Go get some cards!!

Jan 172018
 

The weather this past weekend was shit, but the weekend itself was THE shit. OK, maybe that’s being a little too hype, but it really was all kinds of wonderful for really no reason other than I got to have fun with my two favorite people (yes, it’s Henry and Chooch, ugh!) and it was just….really fucking nice. I do this thing where every day, whether I’m drying my hair or I’m out carousing the streets of downtown Pittsburgh on my lunch break, I recount in my head the things that are keeping me afloat. They range from the major ones (family, friends, health) to the little ones (whatever Korean food Henry is making for dinner tonight, watching some Running Man, my hair looks OK today) to the upcoming events (SOUTH KOREA, Chooch’s birthday, Warped Tour – the last one, sigh).

And I write about the weekends like this past one, so that on the days when no reminders seem to help override the death wish, I can revisit random posts on this blog and remember that things are not always bad and that there is so much worth living for. You do what you can, you know? There’s a lot of sadness, but this past weekend did not allow for much of that at all! I think it was just that we were, all three of us, in really fine moods. Like fucking stars aligning.

Most of Saturday was spent redesigning Valentines for our shops, with an obligatory run to Target because is it really the weekend without dropping  $$$ on shit we didn’t need at Target? The whole reason we went was because Chooch wanted to spend the money that’s been burning a hole in his wallet: some leftover cash from Christmas plus the money he’s been swindling from the neighbors by shoveling their short sidewalks. That kid!

I hate hate hate going shopping with Chooch when he has his own money because it’s always the same: he trolls the same three aisles for an hour, tries to latch on to another family (seriously, we always catch him sidling up to some other family like we’re not good enough all of a sudden!??!), and then ultimately doesn’t want to buy anything.

WITH HIS MONEY.

It was no different this time. Henry and I even left him for a bit and hung out in the food aisles, where I was bored so I started spinning around and then Henry was all, “REALLY” because he just doesn’t understand what it’s like to still be a kid, and then I saw really cool sprinkles and made the mistake of saying that they were my style, so then he was all, “REALLY. YOU HAVE A STYLE OF SPRINKLES.” God Henry! I guess it would be acceptable if I was saying things like, “This packet of gravy is just my style and will taste wonderful on the mashed potatoes I’ll be serving next to your bloody steak.”

Meanwhile, Chooch actually found something he wanted!

In the homegoods section.

A rug.

A fucking rug.

Granted, a really fucking cute ZEBRA rug.

And he got Henry to buy it for him, lololol.

After we checked out, Henry handed me the car keys and said he had to go to the bathroom, and to just go out to the car and wait for him. Of course we were bitching because it was taking him too long, but it was because he went back and bought me the backpack that I saw when we were about to check out. I mentioned that I wanted to buy it the next time we were there, and use it in Korea, and he actually listened to me!

HENRY IS TOTALLY MY STYLE.

We capped off Saturday night with another weekly hour of Family K-Kardio Night and it was just so great and I love my family! Seriously, there are not many other people in this world who would not only let me do my thing, but actually get into it with me. (The amount of Korean trivia that these two have absorbed through me is hilarious. Henry still sucks at pronouncing names though.)

Sunday morning, we watched some K-dramas, dropped Chooch off at piano and then did our weekly Asian supermarket run where Henry found some can of pear juice that made him so happy and he can’t wait to go back for more, and then we went rollerskating! Henry didn’t even bitch about it once the whole way there!

This is when shit got weird because I have apparently turned into a new person. Let’s discuss:

  1. The skating rink, Skate Castle, is in Butler, PA which is…how can I phrase this delicately, a Trump supporter garbage dump. LOL jk there are nice people who live there too probably but don’t get it twisted – that place is kind of backward.
  2. They played garbage music (that Justin Timberlake “sunshine in my pocket” bullshit noise-bomb played TWO TIMES in the three hours we were there, plus two old Flo-rida songs and many other songs from like 2010, so random).
  3. The rink light aesthetics weren’t very fancy.
  4. There were young children going every which way.

OK, so take these factors and then cut me into the backwoods mixture and you would expect this blog post to be one of my signature hateful rants that make people wonder how anyone could love me.

But you guys, no.

I loved this place.

I loved the whole afternoon.

I loved the people working there.

I loved that the first pair of skates I tried on actually fit me and didn’t do any weird broken shopping cart bullshit moves on me.

I didn’t even mind when a couple country songs came on, even though I did kind of feel like I had the shakes because I am sooo not used to hearing songs in English anymore.

I didn’t hate a single person on the rink, not even the two teenage girls in messy topknots and rollerblades who looked like total mean girls and probably for sure mocked me at least once when I wasn’t looking.

And the pizza was great! Just the way snack room pizza should be!

Here you can see that the lights were definitely lacking, but I couldn’t complain about that because the rink was nice and smooth….

….until it wasn’t.

So here’s the part of the story where FOR SURE the star character of this blog would have fucking raged her face off and made up brand new swears:

Everything was going swimmingly, I was skating with a bit more caution than usual though because I just had visions of me falling and breaking a bunch of limbs and being in traction for however the fuck long, not being able to do my kpop workouts, and going to Korea on a freaking stretcher. So I was really paying attention to my surroundings, especially the ground because you never know what those gross kids are going to track onto the rink.

About 60 minutes in, I stumbled a bit going around the bend of the rink. I caught myself and immediately slowed down and turned around to see what I skated over. Henry and Chooch were behind me when it happened, and we all scoped that area out again on the way back around. It didn’t seem like there was anything there, but I made a point of avoiding that spot for the next several revolutions.

For whatever reason, about 30 minutes later, I slacked off a bit and skated back over that exact same spot. This time, it was like someone grabbed the wheels of my right skate — it just completely came to a dead stop while the rest of me kept moving. It happened so fast that there was no way to possibly catch myself: I went smack down on my hands and knees full fucking force, man. I felt my teeth shudder, that’s how hard I hit. It stunned me, but I bounced back up right away, dusted myself off, and tried to laugh it off but good god damn that fucking HURT.

Chooch was right behind me when it happened, and god love him, he raced over to me and cried, “ARE YOU OK?!” I explained that it felt like my skate got snagged on something again, and he was ON THE CASE. That kid is so fucking loyal, I don’t know what I did to deserve him, you guys. He has my back!

Neither of us could find anything on that spot, and I shrugged it off and continued to skate.

RECORD. FUCKING. SCRATCH.

Did you read that!? Me, queen of temper tantrums, SHRUGGED IT OFF AND CONTINUED TO SKATE?

I didn’t even cry a little bit, or get mad AT ALL. I have no idea who I am anymore, but I think Henry and Chooch were both holding their breath, waiting for me to cause a scene or find a witch on Craigslist to dump a cauldron of acid frogs all over the rink or go full-fledged Tonya Harding and get some Butler henchman to break the knee caps of the rink owners.

But that didn’t happen.

I didn’t let it ruin my afternoon and went about my business with a smile on my ugly face….and a slightly sore knee….

Also, I loved that this joint had religious art on the snack room walls.

We’ll definitely be back.

The next day, I was prepared for some gnarly bruising, but my knees are completely fine somehow. However, the tricep of my left arm is definitely woke. That arm must have taken  the brunt of the fall but I barely remember because my life was too bust flashing before my eyes.

Jan 152018
 

Stop looking at my tacky, chipped nail polish for a second and peep these mini serial killer Valentines instead! In the past, I was selling these as six-card perforated sheets, but let’s be real – you guys want more. I get it! So we made them just a TAD smaller and now you can get SIXTEEN of these babies (SIXTEEN!!) in a set for only $8!

I love these cards so much because they bring back fond memories of Valentine parties in elementary school, when we all got to fuck a shoebox with a glue stick and crepe paper and then we all got to run away, stuffing Scooby Doo sentiments into everyone’s “mailbox” even if we didn’t like the person because THE TEACHER SAID. My favorite part was the candy and cupcakes though. I was a fat kid.

And then in fifth grade, I was the fat kid with a perm.

AND BRACES.

FML.

But I somehow still got Valentines so I didn’t hate the damn day.

Even now, as a grown as adult, I like passing out Valentines at work. I passed the serial killer ones out one year to mixed reviews. My one co-worker received an Albert Fish one and sent me an email that said, “OMG I just Wiki’d that guy. He was so terrible! Why would you give me that card?!”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Surprisingly, no one reported me to HR.

Life is all about taking risks, you know?

Each set comes packaged in these adorable little bags. I’m obsessed with them.

I’m in the process of working on the second set so very soon 32 different designs will be available!

The porn star ones have been re-branded as well! Instead of 6, you will now get 16 – 2 each of 8 designs because, well, I only have 8 designs in the porn series.

Who knew Seka would look so precious inside a plastic bag?

When I was working on these over the weekend, my kid walked past me and let out this sort of sarcastic laugh. I asked him what was so funny, and he dryly said, “Oh nothing. My mom makes vintage porn star Valentines, that’s all.”

SO WHAT HE’S SAYING IS THAT HE’S SUPER PROUD OF ME.

Anyway. Both sets are available for purchase on non compos cards along with a dizzying array of full-sized Valentines, birthday cards, Christmas cards, party invitations…it’s a freaking grab-bag of Hallmark rejects, OK?

And for the rest of January, if you use the coupon code “daebak” when you check out, you’ll get free shipping!