Nov 062017
 

No spoilers here I promise but we finished Stranger Things last week and I am 100% on the Steve Harrington bandwagon, NO FUCKS GIVEN.

Steve, I’m sorry I wanted you to die so badly in the first season.

The biggest reason that I like him so much is that, now that he’s had a chance to grow as a character in this new season and redeem himself (although let’s never forget about how he slandered Nancy!!!), he reminds me a lot of my favorite character from one of the BEST 80’s MOVIES OF ALL TIME, The Monster Squad. If you’ve seen it, you already know that I’m talking about RUDY.

  1. Too cool-high schooler chillin’ with monster-fighting middle school dorks? Check.
  2. Bitchin’ hair? Check.
  3. Total dick most of the time? Check.
  4. Memorable one-liners? Check.

I’m kind of surprised that Stranger Things in general, especially season 2, hasn’t drawn more Monster Squad comparisons.

When I was in high school, my brother Ryan and I named our pet rabbit after Rudy. Clearly I need to get another rabbit and name him Steve Harrington.

NO: STEVE HAREINGTON, OMGOMG.

Nov 052017
 

The Crawford School of Terror was WAAY better than last year and the main reason for this was because it felt like more of the school was used and it was less dialogue and more walkthrough and jump-scare.

To begin, it was decently chilly that day and inside of the school was the line and it was desolate, and dull, it was so gray and dusty. It was about five minutes until we got in and we ended up having to go up with the people in front of us, but thankfully when we got to the top of the stairwell, the staff let them go by themselves.

Inside of the actual “haunted” part there were classrooms (Obviously) and there was a girl sitting at a desk and when we were about to walk into the next classroom, she screamed, “Don’t go in there!” When she said that I took a minute break standing in the arch way in the center of the first and second classroom and then I proceeded. It was pretty plain and mum thought that it was going to suck because there was no dialogue but that quickly changed once we got further into the attraction. There was my favorite-ish part when the fog layer (That one fog room in most haunted houses that have a layer of fog that looks like water) room came and I looked under the layer and saw someone crawling toward us under it hidden and I said, “Uh-oh,” then he jumped up and screamed.

I said, “I saw him coming from under the smoke,” and of course daddy had to say, “No you didn’t.” I just ignored him because I was triggered.

There was a hallway that we walked down and there was a shock thing and it was high up and it started making a taser noise and it was really loud. Then some girl started screaming and talking about how her “trophy?” was stolen and she thought that mum stole it then she said, “I didn’t steal it.” Then the girl said, “Well, then you better find it!” I was really excited! I really thought we were going to have to find her trophy, but no it was just part of the act. ):

Then there was a cafeteria and the lunch lady offered me worms and I said, “Umm, nah!”

Then she replied with, “THEN GET OUT OF MY CAFETERIA!”

I said, “OK, jeez!” and walked towards the door then I came to a jolt when I saw someone sitting at a table and I tried to slide past but she got up and screamed.

The next room I’m pretty sure was a pitch black hallway and some clown guy was banging on the walls and popped out and mum told me that she had almost peed her pants so I told the clown that.

Then the end came and we walked out and thought everything was over until someone popped out from behind the stairs and mum got scared again. I’m pretty sure she did pee her pants that time.

THE END. Have a good day/night!

 

 

 

Nov 042017
 

I think I have been doing a pretty decent job lately of not blowing all of the monies on concert tickets. It helps that I just haven’t been that into Western music lately. However, when I saw that PVRIS was going on a fall tour in support of their new album, I was all over that shit. They’re in that top tier of bands I just can’t pass up, you know? Naturally, there was no Pittsburgh date on this tour, so I was going to try and catch their Philly show. But then we planned the pie party for that day because I forgot about it and that ruined that idea.

(I did this same thing a few years ago with the pie party and Pierce the Veil, ugh.)

Then I saw that the Detroit date was on a Friday, and I wondered if it was possible, if I could twist Henry’s arm just so…

He was not down with this whatsoever because he knew he wouldn’t be able to take the day off work. But then I told our Michigan friends Bill & Jessi that we might be in town that weekend and this created hype, so Henry finally conceded under the provision that I would be going to the show by myself because he didn’t want to go, and Chooch was pretty meh about it too, so that meant this trip was already going to be cheaper.

I requested the day off work, and as luck would have it, it was parent teacher conference day so Chooch didn’t have school. But we still had to wait for Henry to come home which was so stressful. Chooch and I were sitting on the porch with our overnight bags when Henry pulled in the driveway. It only, theoretically, takes < 5 hours to get to Detroit, but then we got stuck in a tractor trailer accident traffic so by the time we got to the Royal Oak Theater, it was after 8 and the show had already started. I practically rolled out of the car before it even came to a complete stop, I just needed to get inside that theater post haste.

I’m the type of person who always gets to a place before or right as doors open, because I like to scope out the scene. Especially if I’ve never been to the venue before, which was the case in this situation. So the doors had already been opened for over an hour at this point, and the opening band (Flint Eastwood) was already halfway through their set. I got stuck in the security line behind some bitch who had some type of contraband that I couldn’t make out and was arguing with security because she didn’t want to take it back to her car so they were going to throw it out and I was SO ANTSY to get in that I was about to grab the item and punt it out of the theater.

When it was finally my turn, the security lady who was rummaging through my purse kept trying to make conversation with me and I couldn’t hear her over the band and the STRESS-RINGING IN MY EARS so I just kept saying “yes” to all of her questions. Finally, after determining that my emergency tampons weren’t black market weapons, she moved aside and let me pass.

I immediately hated this venue.

Maybe my opinion would have differed had I gotten there early enough to see where I was walking, but I was having such a hard time navigating my way toward the stage, because there were tiered levels, like an upside-down wedding cake. Each level was contained by a railing with steps in the middle leading down to the next, and it was impossible to get through. So for Flint Eastwood, I stood on the right side of the top level, and I couldn’t see at all because the levels were flat and not slanted. So unless you were at the front of each tier, along the railing, you had no chance of seeing because the stage was so far down. So I had to make due with watching all the drunk people dancing in front of me. That got old pretty quickly, so after Flint Eastwood (who was fine, but you know I’m picky with female-fronted bands and she was a little too much of a rougher version of Adele for my liking) I waited for the obligatory influx of people running to the bar for refills and used the freshly-emptied space to navigate my way to the steps down to the middle level, where I found a space along the edge which allowed me to boost myself up a bit along the side railing. I still had to stand on my tiptoes to see, but it was better than the first level. I listened to the conversations around me while I waited for Lights to come on. There was a young-ish couple to my right who were having a  friendly debate over slushees vs slurpees.

Lights came on sometime after 9 and I was so excited because after years of being a casual fan, this was my first time finally seeing her. I’m always so impressed that she has managed to preserve her scene queen side-part after all these years and it doesn’t look out-dated on her at all. She is such a fucking queen.

Her recent release is so damn ambitious. Not only did she write an entire record, but she also made a companion comic book series to go with it. She is an artist in every sense of the word!

I was so excited to hear Skydiving live, because that song makes me feel a certain way.

Beau Bokan is so lucky to be married to her, that’s all I’m going to say.

I want to be reincarnated as Lights.

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

I appreciate that Lights still rocks the scene girl severe hair part. Makes me miss mine. Kinda.

A post shared by Erin (@ohhonestlyconcerts) on

Lights is pretty flawless. Her voice sounded huge and crystalline in that big theater and I had chills through most of her set. I wish Chooch hadn’t ditched me that night because I think he would have fallen in love. (Unlike me, he is a huge fan of girl singers, lol. #obviduh)

There were two guys who were standing to my left for the whole set, and a group of older women in front of me, but they all left after Lights which left a huge opening for the biggest dorks in Royal Oak to usurp the free land around me and I was in aural pain. There were four of them and they all scream-talked to each other about tech-y things and I texted Henry: HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ALL HAVE RETAINER-LISPS?!!?!?

I couldn’t take it, but I felt trapped. I knew I needed to get down to the ground floor, in front of the stage, but I couldn’t figure out how. On the other side of the railing I was leaning against, there was a walkway leading from the top of the venue down to the stage, so I yelled to the security guard down there, “What’s the best way to get down there?!” She advised me to go all the way back up to the top, where the bar is, and come down the walkway along the side. It was a journey, I’m not going to lie. People were sprawled out all over each set of stairs I had to ascend, and I felt like I was engaging in football drills.

I was not a fan of this venue AT ALL.

I mean, it was beautiful in there, don’t get me wrong. But the layout made me feel absolutely crazed.

But I made it down to the stage and managed to get almost all the way to the barricade, but off to the side (my beloved right side of the stage—I always gravitate to that side!). This was a gamechanger. I was down there with the real fans and not the drunks. I could see the stage easily now. I felt comfortable and could finally start breathing normally again.

I’m telling you, for as many shows I’ve attended alone, sometimes one catches me off guard and it’s like starting over from scratch with my anxiety and self-consciousness. Maybe it had a lot to do with being in a different city, at a new-to-me venue, in addition to all of the earlier stress of trying to make it there on time. I don’t know, but it was a perfect storm of neuroses for me and as much as I love PVRIS, I couldn’t wait for the show to be over and they hadn’t even come out yet!

Meanwhile, some girl behind me started raging to her friends. “Did you see this?!” she yelled and then tilted her phone toward them.

“Fucking Ovechkin!” one of them yelled, and I laughed to myself because I guess the Red Wings were playing the Capitals, and that’s a phrase we yell a lot in Pittsburgh too.

It was nearly 10, maybe even later than that, when the lights finally went out and PVRIS made a dramatic entrance. It had been over a year since I last saw them and I immediately filled with that warmth that you get when you’re seeing a band you really, really love, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?! Henry doesn’t.

He’s not the biggest fan of PVRIS and didn’t argue one bit when I said I would go to this show alone. (I went to their last one alone too, woe is me.) But I will tell you that Chooch had some remorse, because he thought that by not going to the show with me, he was going to get to hang out with Bill and Jessi but he didn’t realize that this wasn’t happening until after the show that night, so there! Henry and Chooch just hung out in the Royal Oak area, ate dinner, and walked around like creeps while waiting for me, I guess. I didn’t ask for their itinerary so I don’t really know.

I was immediately reminded of how much I love them as soon as they started playing, and suddenly the earlier stresses of the day became well worth it.  Their sound is the perfect merging dark synthpop and alt-rock, which appeals to both Goth Erin and Scene Kid Erin. This band is so talented and unlike anything else out there right now and if you ever get the chance to go see them, please go. And take me with you, if possible.

Lynn Gunn for life.

Listening to them always inspires me to dig through my synthpop collection. Synth is so underrated.

I left before the encore because it was already after 11 and I was itching to get to Bill and Jessi’s. What a whirlwind day.

 

Nov 012017
 


To piggyback on my last whiny bitchy blog post about Halloween, I also learned first thing yesterday morning of the passing of Korean actor Kim Joo Hyuk. I’m disturbingly upset about his death (gnarly car accident) and I keep waking Henry up, a day later, to tell him things, like, “Song Joong Ki went straight to the funeral from his own wedding!” and “I just saw a picture of Defconn crying and it broke my heart” and Henry is like, “Please stop watching videos about it and go to bed. You’d think he was your best friend, the way you’re acting.”

There is a video of the Running Man cast walking into the funeral (which is weird and such an invasion of privacy, but yeah I watched it so I’m just as bad as the rest of them) and I just started crying so hard because I loved it when Joo Hyuk was on Running Man. I am really sensitive and emotional right now, step off. 

Maybe I need ice cream. And medication. 

Nov 012017
 

Halloween is my favorite day of the year. Literally everyone knows this about me. Every January, I apply my floating holiday to October 31st so that I can spend the day doing all the spooky things I want. But this year was just, not right. Actually, the whole month of October didn’t feel like October to me. Even going to haunted houses — I had fun at each one I went to, but it wasn’t the same. Something was off. The weather was weird. People didn’t seem as stoked.

Even though I had every intention of yesterday being great, it missed the mark. By like, a lot. My biggest mistake is that instead of watching horror movies all day long as intended, I watched the news. The news is scarier than any horror movie, you could argue, but you know…way more real. (Unless you’re into the fake kind.) So I oscillated between high-anxiety, fury, crippling fear, and numbing sadness.

All day long, with a few coffee and exercise breaks.

By the time Chooch came home from school, I was over everything. I could barely even help him finish his costume, which was another stressor in and of itself. Since he’s in sixth grade now, I figured that the days of pouring all we’ve got into his costumes are all but faded memories now. I told him he had to choose something simple, and at first he was going to be Trump Looking at the Eclipse, which I was on board with until I remembered that he would be strutting around in public like that and Brookline seems to be kind of a mixed bag, politically, so did I really want my kid to be inciting any sort of strong feels?

Sucks, because that costume could have ruled! (Maybe we’ll just have to do a Trump meme-inspired photoshoot someday soon.)

Anyway, it was really getting down to the wire and I didn’t want to cop out and buy him something at the Halloween store, so I said, “YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE FULL OF MASKS AND PROPS, PICK SOMETHING AND WE’LL GO FROM THERE.”

So, he went as a hot dog.

Chooch said that all the people loved it and thought it was funny but of course I had a million issues with it because even though I’m technically “retired” from this shit now that he’s older, my Type A’ness still comes out full force.

Once you get to sixth grade, just a mask will do. Happy Halloween. #hotdog #retiredfromcostumemaking

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I didn’t go trick or treating with him though, for the first time ever. He went with his brothers and baby nephews instead and I was sad but I guess that’s life so what the fuck ever. So then my plan was pizza and Stranger Things (we’re only halfway through this new season because we’re slow TV-viewers) but that didn’t work out either so instead it was soju and hot bath. And to be honest, I don’t know why I even put so much stock into this one day when really, everyday is Halloween for people like me. I don’t even really do that much different on October 31st.

I don’t know.

I had a really bad day.

Halloween felt ruined on so many levels.

And you know it must have been bad because I came back from lunch today and there was a big “I Love You” balloon and flowers on my desk. Henry and I are not send-and-receive flower types of people, so this was weird and I didn’t know how to react so I just mumbled something self-deprecating and then found something to hold the balloon down on my desk so it would stop drawing attention to me like a buoyant beacon of “What Did Henry Do?” Like one of those search lights or sky beams that haunted houses use to attract crowds from afar. Come to Erin’s desk and find out who would possibly send her flowers!

But realizing I could turn my empty BIGBANG iced tea bottles into tiny vases was a game changer. Now I like having flowers sent me to at work. Thanks, Henry. Even though now people are asking me what happened to make you send me flowers and that’s not awkward. I’m just going to start responding with “he got the milkmaid pregnant.”

So I think tonight I’m going to go home and just listen to Kpop all night and pretend like the world isn’t on fire. Either that or I’m moving to a prairie and throwing my phone into a gorge.

 

Oct 292017
 

It has rained pretty much all weekend with no reprieve. And it’s really cold on top of that too.

I’m not complaining though because it kind of forced me to relax (a little). And I guess I hadn’t realized how badly I needed to just sit the fuck down.

We still did some stuff though, such as attend a Halloween parade with our friends Patty and Tim in their neighborhood. Did I mention that after over a year, Patty is finally home from the nursing facility? Exciting times! It was great to be able to hang out with her outside of that place, though it was also kind of sad not getting to see all the familiar faces in the activity room.

Patty’s friends Kaitlin and Steve joined us. We weren’t sure if the parade was still going to happen since it was raining, but Munhall goes hard, y’all. They don’t let a little rain deter them. It was really cold and dreary out there, but it was worth it to see Patty enjoying herself, and to see all the kids in their costumes. Chooch wasn’t in costume (he’s in 6th grade now and not as motivated to dress up), but when we saw that people were hanging out treat bags to everyone in the parade, regardless of costume, we all coaxed Chooch to jump into the parade so he could get a bag. He did it begrudgingly, and when he was handed a bag, he shot us a glare that said, “The things I do for you people.”

Then he befriended some older woman, and they joined forces to get the most candy from the firefighters. They were even trading with each other at one point. This kid will talk to anyone and it’s all once charming and alarming.

There were a bunch of young kids standing near us and their parents wouldn’t let them run into the street to collect the strewn candy, but savage son gave no fucks about getting close to firetruck wheels, so he would go out and collect it all and then pass it out to the kids on the sidewalk. He was a hero, you guys, a real Halloween hero.

Trump would never do that.

CHOOCH FOR PRESIDENT.

Then Chooch and I stood in this outrageous line snaking out of the firehouse because there was free pizza and cake to be had and I wanted free cake in a bad way. We got stuck behind this huge family of dunces who were not as IN A HURRY as I was and would just stand there in a daze every time the line would move. I was getting so angry! But then I reminded myself that I was line for FREE FOOD and I shouldn’t complain but still—WAKE THE FUCK UP AND MOVE, DUMMIES! Oh my Lord, they were awful. At one point I said to Chooch, “What is the protocol here for line-jumping when the people in front of you clearly don’t give a shit about being in line?” and he was just like, “Chill out, we’re almost there” because my 11-year-old is more rational than me.

The cake wasn’t worth it. I gave it to Henry, who was so angry that we ran off to get free food and left the rest of them standing in the rain. SORRY BUT PATTY SAID IT WAS OK!?

Then I found out after the fact that the pizza was from Italian Village and I wish I had known that because I like Italian Village a lot and would have chosen that over cake, ugh. #freefoodremorse

After the parade, we said goodbye to Patty and Tim because we had big plans of going to the craft store and then spending the rest of the night binge-watching the new season of Stranger Things. I’m not a big binge-watcher of things (unless it’s Korean You Tube vlogs, lol) but the cold, dreary weather was really inspiring.

First though we had to wait for Chooch to finish the first season, after which he cried, “Why did I ever stop watching this with you last year?!” Because you have no attention span? I don’t know. And then we had to go eat dinner first too. We went to Frank & Shirley’s because it’s close and fast, and I wanted a grilled cheese.

Chooch brought his colored pencils with him because he wanted to draw on the placemats but there were no placemats, so he actually asked the waitress for a placemat, and she was like, “We don’t have any…?” He was visibly distraught over this and when she realized why he was asking, she said, “Do you want a coloring book instead?”

She barely finished her sentence before he was practically panting like a dog, and saying yes. She brought over a whole stack for him to choose from and he immediately grabbed, and I do mean snatched, the first one he saw because it had bunnies on the cover.

He’s very sensitive to animals, you guys.

“Are you sure you don’t want to look at the others?” she asked, fanning them out.

“Nope,” he said, but then out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that made him say, “WAIT!” She fanned out the coloring books again and he grabbed, and I do mean snatched, a Disney one of the stack. He flipped it open right to the page with the Bambi spread, squealed, and then ripped open his box of colored pencils.

His Bambi obsession is so weird, but also completely adorable. Please don’t grow up, Chooch.

Henry hated our waitress because she never refilled his iced tea, but I think she will forever go down as Chooch’s favorite.

On the way home, we were making fun of Henry as usual to the point where Chooch started puking out the back window because I made him laugh too hard. I love when that happens!

When we came home, Chooch and I were so ready to start watching Stranger Things but Henry was all, “I have to go to the store” and we were like, “Are you fucking kidding” because dude is like always going to “the store” and Henry got all defensive and cried, “I haven’t been to the store in four days!” Chooch and I kept repeating “Four days!!!” over and over until Henry stormed out while muttering under his breath about how we’re fucking assholes or something, wow, how rude.

Chooch and I went for a walk in the rain to kill time while he was AT THE STORE and somehow we started talking about what if Henry was a prostitute or a stripper at Blush and I can’t explain it, other than to say maybe you had to be there, but we were laughing so fucking hard that our hyena-cackles were doing somersaults down Pioneer Avenue, making dogs bark and passers-by do double-takes. We’re kind of loud, I guess.

When we got home, Chooch exclaimed, “Eight o’clock! Made it just in time.”

“For what?”  I asked.

“…eight o’clock,” he said with a shrug, like duh, why didn’t I know that.

Henry came home and we finally watched the first several episodes of Stranger Things. It was the perfect October Saturday night.

Today, I was home alone while Henry and Chooch were at piano lessons, so I decided to try and paint something. It’s been about a year since I painted anything, and I have been turning down custom requests because I just haven’t been feeling it. It’s not depression, because I don’t feel unhappy or tired, but kind of the opposite. I have all of this manic energy and I just can’t sit still long enough to seriously focus on painting.

But I just recently finished a creative project for work and I had some leftover inspiration. (Not to mention a ton of leftover canvas!) So I made myself sit down at my desk for a bit and gave it a go.

It was a struggle. I felt rusty, had no confidence, and even felt a little scared to make mistakes. It was sad. But I was determined to finish a painting for once instead of adding to the collection in the canvas graveyard. So I chose my favorite picture of G-Dragon and went for it.

I only spent about an hour on it because I just wanted to finish and not obsess over every minor detail (Henry and Chooch are probably laughing at this without mirth because I was so dramatic this afternoon about how bad I suck). But G-Dragon is the most perfect human being in the world and I didn’t want to desecrate his image in any way.

I’m sorry, Jiyong. :(

But then Henry made me kimbap and I was happy again, even though at first I screamed, “THERE’S NO DAIKON IN THIS!” and then Henry realized he gave me Chooch’s bland version instead of the good roll.

And now we’re just waiting for The Walking Dead to come on. Life is pretty OK, you guys, rain and all.

Oct 282017
 

Last Friday, we drove up to the Detroit-ish area so I could go to the PVRIS show (more on that separately). The best part about this though wasn’t the show, but the chance to see our pals Bill and Jessi! They graciously invited us to crash in their guest room and this made Henry hate me a little less for dragging him out of state again for another band. #tightwad

The show was in Royal Oak, about 45 minutes from their house, so it was nearly midnight by the time we got there that night and I felt awful about that, but we still ended up staying up until 2:30am, playing Camel Up, talking about Kpop (my obsession duh) and Rocky Horror Picture Show (Jessi’s obsession – she’s a part of the local Michigan cast!). And Chooch sang the may pole song from The Wicker Man for everyone and I was SO PROUD.

That’s my son, ladies and gents.

The next morning, we took Chooch’s new girlfriend Mabel for a walk! Bill & Jessi rescued Mabel from a breeder and she has since imprinted on Chooch. It was kind of the most adorable thing I’ve even seen and I watch A LOT of kpop videos. (Chooch just read this line and shook his head.)

Then Bill indulged me and put on kpop. I was so excited because Jessi walked into the kitchen and said, “What is this? I like it.” IT WAS BTS “GO GO”!!!!! They didn’t make fun of it at all and asked me questions about it like they were genuinely interested and I was so happy. It was like a No Snark Zone!

We had brunch at a new place nearby that Jessi had been wanting to try, called Anna’s. GOOD CALL, JESSI. We had to wait for about 15-20 minutes but it was well worth it. That menu was extensive, even for a difficult meat-boycotter such as myself. Usually I’m like, “OK I guess I will get the one thing available to me on this menu” or I have to be an annoying hipster and ask for substitutions, etc. But this time, I was actually struggling to decide because I had so many options!

I ended up getting the Hippie Hash (forget what I said up there because I was soooo close to being That Douche who orders the Kimchi Bowl and asks for them to hold the meat, but there were two different kinds of meats in it so I didn’t want to get involved in that convo). Fuck, you guys, this shit was so filling! And totally not as healthy as it sounded when it was just in words on a menu and not in a bowl in front of me. I was so stuffed that it ended up being the only meal I ate all day.

Worth it.

The decor in this bitch somehow made the food taste even better. I never knew how badly my walls needed toasters hung on them! Henry gave me the “don’t get any ideas” glare.

And the bathroom had vintage cake carriers on the wall! Anna’s was so dreamy, and our waitress was super efficient.

Obviously the best part was that we were with Bill and Jessi, though!

We went back to their house and spent the rest of the afternoon playing video games, watching Mabel make Chooch her bitch, and getting Bill to call his friends and tell them how he recently discovered that he really loves arm pits.

Chooch and Bill went outside to play basketball for a little bit before we left and at one point, Bill accidentally hit Chooch in the face. Jessi, Henry, and I were watching from the kitchen and we all started cracking up. “Well, there it is! It wouldn’t be right if a visit went by without Bill accidentally hurting Chooch!” It’s tradition, you guys.

We had to leave around 3 because we didn’t want to be getting home at a god awful hour which is usually what happens on road trips but it was so hard saying goodbye. These guys are like family to us and we always try to get the most of each visit, even these quick ones.

I just asked Chooch if he wanted to say anything and he said, “No, it’ll make me sad.”

:(

Our drive home was so boring and uneventful. Chooch watched Mean Girls on Henry’s phone and is now some kind of dumb expert because he’s been taking online quizzes and I’m like NO ONE CARES. So far one Wednesday has passed and he didn’t wear pink so I guess he’s not THAT into it.

Oct 272017
 

Copping out with a repost because I’m all bogged down over here with other projects when all I want to do is sit down and pound out some nonsensical bullshit on here, you know? Especially since this dumb blog turned TEN YEARS OLD this week! Maybe we’ll celebrate once October is over. This is my busiest month, you know.
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(Originally written November 10, 2015)

Pascal wouldn’t give Pancho money for ice cream. Mother gave him five whole dollars and said to make sure his brother got an ice cream, but Pascal spent it all on a candle for his dumb girlfriend who stunk like PSLs and was real frangible, Pascal said. She spent hours carving her face and Pancho thought she looked hideous. Pancho hated her. Peg. What a dumb name.

Pancho really wanted a motherfucking ice cream, and what made Pascal the fugleman of frosty funds? Pancho hated Pascal even more than he hated Peg and her silicon chest-gourds.

Everyone knew they were fake!

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“And stop carrying that ax around everywhere. No one is scared!” Pascal sneered at Pancho. “Everyone knows it’s fake!” Just like Peg’s pepos, Pancho thought quietly to himself. “Mother bought it at the Halloween store for $8!”

Pascal was wrong though. Unlike Peg’s synthetic jugs, his ax was real. He swapped it out with Farmer Picklepecker’s real like battle ax last week after Pascal made fun of him for carrying around a baby’s weapon. What are you gonna kill with that thing? Stink bugs? The pimples on your back? Pascal yelled across the playground one day, when Pancho was talking to his crush, Pepper.

Pepper laughed so hard, it was all Pancho could hear in his head, like sheets of metal shaking against his ears. She laughed and laughed and laughed until she was nothing more but a bad memory stuffed inside a dumpster with rotted meat and cat shit.

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Pancho grudgingly followed Pascal home along the river. It was getting late and Mother would be expecting them to set the mannequins up near the window; ever since Pa ran off with the Bulgarian gymnast coach, Mother liked the neighbors to think that the house was full of friends and livelihood, as if she wasn’t eating her weight in beer nuts and watching DVRd recordings of Family Feud, and not even the good ones with Richard Dawson, but that shitty Steve Harvey garbage.

Hearing the river whooshing below them, Pancho considered pushing Pascal into it, but Pascal caught on quickly; his rounded eye-cuts made for exceptional peripheral peering and his reflexes were on point.

“I’ll rip your stem off!” Pascal laughed.

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“You’re such a dumb baby. Dear Diary, my brother wouldn’t buy me ice cream today. I am a big cry baby. I am going to stick my pacifier in my mouth now.” Pascal laughed at his own stupid joke and Pancho started to cry.

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“I’m going to tell Mother on you!” Pancho whimpered.

“Oh no, please don’t tell MOTHER on me,” Pascal begged, dragging down his voice with theatrical whines.

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Pascal’s mocking tone took Pancho back to a time when Mother bought him a new doll for Christmas, the kind with human heads and long flaxen hair.

The kind that Pancho would tattoo with Mother’s simmering cigarette butts.

The kind that Pancho would decapitate with Mother’s pinking shears.

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And then Pancho drifted off into a sanguinary gapeseed as Pascal’s needling taunts and baby-talked derision faded away until it blended with the birds above and the blood crashing against the inside of his head.

And then—-

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IMG_9819 IMG_9820 IMG_9823 IMG_9824 IMG_9827 IMG_9831

Static.

[Alternately titled: Bored during my lunch break when it’s raining and there’s nowhere else to go but sit at my idiotic desk.]

Oct 252017
 

So since Shadows was a disappointment you shouldn’t expect much from me. So to start off, I had to go to the bathroom and there were no porta-potties to go in so I had to go to some weird bathroom with toilets that didn’t have water and it just dropped underground. Then I turned the “water” on and there was nothing and there was no SOAP, so I didn’t wash my hands at all but oh well.  The trail was uneventful because there was a HUGE group in front of us, and by huge I mean 6 people, maybe 5, but they were taking their good ol’ time and talked to EVERY. SINGLE. ACTOR. So by the time we would catch up to them, we would have to stop and wait till we can’t hear them anymore. Which is a long time, because THEY NEVER SHUT UP! Then we would get up to the spooky parts and the people wouldn’t be ready and yet mum was still fidgety. Furthermore, since we were going “too fast”, which is normal speed, and we were catching up to them, one of the actors was walking with us because we were catching up to them so he was strolling down the trail with us. That was the most that happened, OH, then a chainsaw guy chased us through a field at the end. Which happens every year, and since I knew it happened in a field, I saw a field and pushed mum back and fled the scene.

Cheeseman’s Fright Farm was, in my opinion, better this year than last year. You will find out why in the end. So we went with Blake, Haley, Janna, mum, and ME (the best) and we so spooked. During the hayride which was pretty uneventful besides the part where a chainsaw dude was putting the saw part under mum and Haley’s butt, and he touched MY FOOT! He was strange I don’t know. Then there was a strobe part and it was the part with the (creepy) chainsaw guy, and it also had some weird mannequin with a Hillary Clinton face on it, for some reason, and I think it had to do with the area we were in. Then besides that nothing else really happened on the hay ride.

During the walk-through attraction, we went through a super dark, foggy tunnel with weird guys who popped out and screamed and I did my high-pitched scream (on purpose) and kept walking. Then I was the leader because I can be and there was a knock-off Jason guy and he was wearing a low-budget hockey mask. I attempted to go around him but I brushed against hay bales and tripped and he then clapped very slowly, and mum laughed at me. Then we got in to a carnival and this guy who led us through it, tricked us into going around in a circle, but the third time we went around we noticed a flap in the wall and we walked through it.

Then, came my favorite part. The Snake Room!!!! So it was this room with a bunch of snakes obviously, and in the corner I noticed it wrote, “The Cuddle Corner,” and I said, “The Cuddle Corner???”

The girl said, “Yes the cuddle corner. Would you like to hold a snake?”

No hesitation at all I said,”YESSSSS!!!”

And that’s how I died of poisoning. Lol! Just kidding! How would I write this? This is it, the end of the post. Be sure to like, comment, and subscribe to see more of me!

Oct 242017
 

I know it seems like there could be way worse things in life, and maybe you’re right, but I took a week off a work in the beginning of October because I have some PTO I need to use up before I lose it, and I hate taking time off with nothing to do! Most normal people think that’s a dream, this whole staycation phenomenon, but I’m not part of that population. I think I’m too lonely. I need company. Or to be on an actual vacation.

That week made me realize how dependent I am on my work friends to entertain my mindless babbling all day long. I won’t take you for granted anymore, guys!

Anyway, here’s a run-down of what I did on my week off. tl;dr: It was not much after that first day.

  • On Monday (i.e. the Day After the Pie Party), I met Maya and Scott in the Strip for breakfast before they had to head off to the airport. We were going to eat at Deluca’s but there were a million Yinzers standing outside of it, even though it was a weekday. (“It’s Columbus Day, though,” Henry reminded me later, which just made me get all angry and yell FUCK COLUMBUS.) But it was just as well, because we ended up going to this place next to it called Raymond’s. I don’t know if this place is new or what, but I have never heard of it. It was a fucking delight! The had two self-serve water coolers, one had lemon and orange slices in it, which I was stoked about, but Maya was the opposite of stoked because she has a citrus allergy. She stuck with un-citrused water. While Scott & Maya each had gigantic breakfast sandwiches, I pretended like I hadn’t absorbed 8 pounds of sugar at the pie party and had French toast on homemade bread with strawberry compote. The waitress asked me if I wanted whipped cream on it and I was like WHY STOP NOW. Then Scott called Robert Smith FAT BOB. Hnnng!!
    • Oh shit, when I was paying the fare attendant before heading downtown on the trolley that morning, I thought he was giving me a high-five, so I started to go in for it, but TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST STRETCHING I HATE MYSELF. Two days in a row of misread social cues.

  • We walked around a bit after breakfast, in the stupid unseasonal humidity (oh god, it was awful — can’t you tell by my hair?!), until it was time for Maya and Scott to get on the airport bus. I wanted to drive them to the airport but dumb Henry had my car, so good job making our out-of-town guests take a bus to the airport, Henry you rude son of a bitch. Anyway, it sucked saying goodbye to them and I MIGHT have cried a little bit on the trolley ride back home which is really nothing new because I cry on the trolley a lot, but still. I loved hanging out with these fools and can’t wait to see them again!

  • This was my view a lot of the days during my vacation. It was so warm the whole week and I went on 87 walks a day because there was nothing else to do which is false, I could have cleaned, finished any one of the 14 paintings I have strewn about, caught up on my blog…but no, I just walked a lot, KpopX’d, and annoyed the shit out of the cats (and Henry, whom I called constantly to ask, “Are you done working yet? Are you done? When? Now? Are you on your way home?” Ugh, I get so lonely!) I had way too much nervous energy to even kick back and watch a movie. I did practice my Korean, though! Update: it’s still hard as fuck. Chris sent me this article about the world’s hardest languages and it’s number 3 so pray for me.

  • Drew, about to do something stupid.

  • When I wasn’t walking on the high school track or taking my 90th loop around Brookline, I was with my bony peeps at the cem.

  • On Wednesday, my mom stopped over to give me this shirt she bought me specifically because it’s a knock-off of a shirt that G-Dragon wore once. Chooch was like, totally disgusted about this. She bought this over at a good time, because I had just come home from my first appointment with Amber2’s dentist and well, let’s just say that dental office has been indoctrinated into the world of Spazzy Erin. That poor hygienist had no idea what was coming when she called me back and I answered her “How are you?” with a frantic, “I AM FRRRRRRREAKING OUT!” She laughed but I was like, “No really, are my teeth loose? Am I going to lose my teeth? Do I need like, a bridge or something?” And she was just like, “Settle down, you’re not going to lose your teeth!” And then she wanted to talk about her kids’ sleeping habits for some reason, and I was trying desperately to say around her hands, “Yeah, but can we talk about my teeth? AM I GOING TO DIE?!” It was a bad scene. My hands were so clammy. Anyway, the dentist came in and was super casually said she was referring me to an endodontist because she thinks I might need a root canal which is strange because I have no pain?! So I made the mistake of texting Amber a barrage of freak out texts about it, and then she TOLD GLENN who had audio of a dental drill playing when I came back to work the next Monday. UGH.
    • Anyway, I have my root canal consultation today, so god help me.

  • Hey, something that cheered me up was getting this Notorously Morbid Halloween advent box in the mail, as a total surprise. Turns out it was from my friend Kristen! It was a great distraction and I started opening the stuff on the 19th and have loved every single item thus far! Thank you, Kristen! I always wear the same gold eyeshadow so it’s been fun venturing out and trying shades that I wouldn’t normally wear but look awesome! Horizons, broadened. :)

  • One of the nights I was off, I drank wine and watched Weekly Idol. Livin’ large.
  • Another night, Chooch and I went to Hundred Acres Manor (it was yawn-inducing, tbh) and then met up with Chris afterward at Eat n Park, so that was one fun vacation night!
  • On my last weekday off, Janna and I walked to Pamela’s for breakfast and then I went back to the high school track because I panicked about not walking enough after walking all the way to Mt. Lebanon and back, I think I need psychiatric help.

  • That Friday night, we went to a haunted house in Toronto, OH and it turns out ROBERT URICH WAS BORN THERE?! I only found out when I saw that there’s a road named after him. If you knew me in high school, you know how I obsessed I was with him.  I texted Lisa immediately and she was just like, “Oh god, no.” Apparently, this is the only thing Toronto, Ohio has going for it because it sure as shit isn’t Margaret’s Cafe.

  • Possibly the highest moment of my time off was in line for a haunted house when the lineman guy said to someone in the group behind us, “I see you have Ed Gein on your shirt.” Everyone was like, “Huh?” and he kept going on and on about Ed Gein. I was craning my neck, trying to see this supposed shirt. “Yeah, the character on your shirt was based on the serial killer Ed Gein,” he went on, and I was trying to see if the one guy had like, Buffalo Bill or Norman Bates on his shirt or something. Nope. “Clown by day, killer by night,” he added. He started to walk away just as Henry locked eyes with me and silently pleaded for me to not to do it. But I had to. “IT WAS JOHN WAYNE GACY, NOT ED GEIN,” I blurted out with my arm raised like I was in a classroom, unable to wait to be called on. The haunted house worker turned around slowly and said, “Oh…was it?” like he was UNSURE if he should believe this dumb blond girl who probably reads Us Weekly and watches the Kardashians. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, RIGHT GUY?! Henry just shook his head and sighed because he hates when my know-it-all-ness rears its ugly head, but I’m sorry, I practically majored in serial killers and I couldn’t let that extreme piece of misinformation slide. “I make serial killer cards,” I told the guy and he was just like, “Oh OK” and then continued on with the rules of the haunted house. Sucks to be schooled. “You know people think you’re an asshole,” Henry sighed. That’s fine. I’m used to being lonely up here at the top. OH!
  • We went to Dairy Queen and our Blizzards were not served upside down! This was an outrage! I got all mad about it and Henry was just like, “Oh well” and walked away while I was googling how to make a citizens arrest.

Well. That was prettty much my whole entire week off, point-by-point. When I went back to work that Monday, Amber said during our meeting that it was so quiet all week without all of my “drama.” AW! I took that as a compliment.

Oct 232017
 

*I searched the word “seven” in every language looking for one that starts with “p.” Congratulations, now you know how to say “seven” in filipino! My dedication to alliteration is alliterastupid. 

Also, I originally had this titled as the eighth pie party because I can’t count.

Pie People:

  • Scott & Maya
  • Gayle & Jeffrey
  • Chris & Monica
  • Sandy, Ben, Elena, & Zoe
  • Janna
  • Lori
  • Sue
  • BARB
  • Wendy & Summer
  • Andrew & Karen
  • Blake, Haley, & Calvin
  • Haley’s mom
  • Robbie, Nikki, Eli, & Levi
  • Maggie, Ivan, Annabelle, & Lila
  • Amber, Steve, Teddy
  • Valerie & Dustin

This is the first time Kara missed a pie party! But she was running in the Chicago marathon so I guess that’s an acceptable excuse. 

Ok guys. You know the drill by now. We rented a pavilion, people brought pies, people ate pies. After seven years, there’s not much deviation to the formula. This will mostly be photos because I remembered to bring the good camera.

This year was exciting though because we had some new blood! Maya & Scott were here from Nashville (I liked to tell people that the pie party was THE ONLY reason they traveled here, though they did say it was the reason they picked that particular weekend to check out Pittsburgh as potential new digs), Henry’s co-worker Andrew and his wife Karen came, and Valerie brought her husband Dustin who I was excited to finally meet! And this was Lori’s first pie party too, because she couldn’t make it to last year’s pig-out.

I wanted to go bare-bones this year, because I honestly didn’t want to have one at first but then some of my friends talked me into it. Originally it was going to be bomb shelter themed, with just some old newspapers thrown down for tableclothes and some scattered slices of Velveeta for tablescape decor. But in the end even that was too much. We left the table bare-boned, no succulents to meet & greet, no mason jars of crayons to assist with doodling on the tables.

We did decorate the actual pie table though and thankfully Scott and Maya were there to help me because oh what a shocker, Henry ditched me again to go and fetch so forgotten item at the store. He does this every year and now I’m beginning to wonder if it’s intentional?!

I enjoyed this time with Scott and Maya though because Chooch wasn’t there to interrupt constantly – I have things to say too!

Also, Scott is super tall and excelled at hanging things from the rafters.

Obviously, my contribution was something Korean. Choco Pies 4 lyfe. (Surprisingly, every single kid at the pie party took one bite and then slowly handed the rest their moms. I’m offended!

I saved the “BABY” balloons from Blake and Haley’s baby shower because I figured I’d find a use for it again one day. October 6th, 2017 was that day! Mmm. Pie, baby!

(Every time I looked at it, I kept hearing Joey Tribbiani yelling it with zeal.)

Remember when I joked that the theme was “pies that Trump hates?” Maggie won the whole entire event with her ImPEACH 45 pie. Maggie’s Pie for President!

Twins!

I was sad that Amber1 and her twin sister couldn’t make it because I wanted there to be two sets of twins at the pie party just so I could say, “Yeah well MY pie party had TWO sets of twins, how many did YOURS have?” and then that person would be like, “None because wtf is a pie party, that sounds dumb.”

YEAH WELL FUCK YOU IMAGINARY PERSON I’M COMPETING WITH!

I think this was a picture of Henry staring adoringly at all of his grandbabies and kids, all under one pavilion roof covered with the graffiti of high school lovers.

(They must have painted it recently, actually, because there seemed to be less adolescent devotion up above our heads than usual.)

Lori literally made a cherry pi. So good!

There were so many savory pies this year! Sandy made a delicious corn and tomato pie, Andrew made some kind of chicken pot pie thing (the first pot pie ever, if you can believe that!), Blake & Haley went above and beyond with this super-hearty butternut squash, goat cheese, pine nut concoction that ate like an entire Thanksgiving meal in one slice. I can’t even explain how filling that sucker was! Henry conceded to my begging and made a kimchi quiche which even the pickier people enjoyed! It had a quinoa crust, which I thought was interesting.

You guys. I’m so excited to tell you — I’m betrothed to a pie! I never want to be without it.

Chooch had Sandy’s kids and Blake playing some dumb game with rocks. It had something to do with The Kingdom of the Unobtainium Rock? Who cares.

Except those guys cared and played it for like a solid hour until Blake got carried away and tried to hide one of the rocks in the rafters, which caused Sandy’s kids to try to climb to retrieve it, so I had to be a mom for once in my life and yell at Blake to get the goddamn rock for them.

Maya’s first pie party!

Janna brought a Mexican chocolate mousse. We did not build a wall around it though. Mexico is cool.

Anyway, this mousse brought the heat! It was delicious.

Pie party or not, his face always looks like this.

Here’s Monica holding Calvin, freshly pulled from the oven.

This was taken sometime after I told Chris she had a spider in her hair, landing me above Chooch on Monica’s list of least favorite people. I’m a really awesome friend!

My favorite part of the pie party is how welcoming my friends were to Scott and Maya. Here’s hoping they move here and can join us for more pie in the future! My least favorite part of the pie party was when I was on hug-giving auto-pilot and misread Lori’s body language when she was saying goodbye and started to make a hug motion with my arms, then quickly dropped them down to my side when I noticed she was slightly recoiling, and then the next day she texted me to  tell me that this was her favorite part of the whole pie party and that was sad I wasn’t at work because she wanted to tell everyone about it and embarrass me and I died a little but. I have a NO HUMAN CONTACT reputation to uphold, but the stupid pie party always ruins that because there are always people there who demand to be hugged upon departure and I have trained myself to leave my body for a bit in order to get through this.

I am so awkward, it hurts sometimes.

On that note: it’s hard to believe the 7th pie party is in the books! 7 parties-worth of hugs. OMG.

Oct 222017
 

It’s Chooch back with “The Adventures of Amethyst”. Sorry to make you wait like Game of Thrones because it’s been 2 years.

Drew looked down, and started to tear up.

“What’s wrong?” Penelope asked Drew concerned.

Then all of a sudden, Drew started to laugh. She was laughing hysterically, so loud that her skin started peeling off revealing a hint of steel.

Penelope saw this and started to shout, “Guys, go! I got this.”

“How do we know?” Garnet asked worried.

“JUST GO!”

Garnet started to turn and dash but realized that they were still on a log flowing rapidly down a river. She remembered about the log and waited for it to pass by. She grabbed Amethyst by the forearm and jumped to the log. Her feet skimmed the water and she lost her grip on Amethyst.

Amethyst screamed, “Help! Quick, find something to pull me out!”

Garnet started breathing heavily, and she looked around. Her hands started to glow, and that’s when she remembered the day her parents had died. The day was October 13, the day of misfortune, and her parents had gone to the Never-ending forest to search for the endangered species of Bloorbs. Bloorbs are a furry, fluffy kind of “Lizard” and they only come out on Friday the 13th. So Garnet had to stay back with her nana, Vrov. She was the meanest, most loudest Nan in the town of Hurghston. Before her parents had gone on the trip, they handed Garnet an amulet. That amulet had a chain around it, so she put it around her neck. Her parents had made it to the forest and gotten out of their jeep, and they got all of their equipment in hand. They had walked about a mile in the forest until they heard a crack in the leaves. They assumed it was a Bloorb because they are the only reptile/mammal around at night on the 13th because all the other animals get frightened and burrow or hide.

They said together, “Litinol!” That is the spell for light.

They tip-toed over to the spot where they had heard the noise and they saw a bit of fluff. Garnet’s mom got the net and trapped it, but it didn’t move.

The dad inferred, “Wait maybe…” He picked up the lizard and it was plastic.

They said, “Oh man, whoever did this is going to die!”

They chanted the spell that explodes the radius around them, but in the middle of it, they felt a shift in their spines. They turned around to see a warrior with a hockey mask and what had been jabbed into their backs had been a machete.

Garnet started to whimper and her eyes started to glow. That flashback had made her exasperated. She grabbed the amulet that was around her neck and closed her eyes. All of a sudden she felt an alteration in her bones. Her hand started to glow even brighter and metal started poking out of her hand. It was getting longer and it started to look like a chain. She decided to throw her hand in the direction of Amethyst and the chain shot in the air towards her. It splashed in the water and Amethyst got soaked, she didn’t care because as long as she wasn’t going to die she was fine. She grabbed on to the chain and Garnet pulled the chain back into her hand. Amethyst had landed on to the land.

Despite that, Penelope and Drew were still on the log speeding down the river. Drew had completely broken in to full animatronic now. She had two metal legs that had bolts missing in certain spots, and her chest area was missing a section completely so she was smoking. Drew had swung her arm at Penelope but she had ducked and heated up her arm in the sleeve of her hoodie. Drew had ducked and kicked Penelope’s shins. Penelope reacted very sharply and almost pushed herself off of the log. Drew laughed and went for a shove but Penelope countered it and pushed Drew back. Drew had saved herself from falling but her finger dipped in the finger slightly and it made a spark. That’s when it hit Penelope. Drew is a robot, so her weakness is water and it will screw up her programming. Penelope cupped her hands and dipped it in water.

Then she said, “Hasta Lavista, Baby,” and she splashed Drew in the spot where she was smoking. The water had steamed up that spot even more and it started flaming. With the flames and all of the sparks, it was like Fourth of July, which Penelope is scared of. She lunged at Drew and landed in the water. She came out with 3rd degree burns on her lips and her neck. Penelope was close enough to the riverbank and she pulled herself up and started coughing up water and ash. She looked back and saw Drew no where. Did she escape? Did she keep going?

To Be Continued…

 

Oct 212017
 

Our whirlwind trip to Detroit-ish is coming to an end, and I didn’t want to liveblog our drive home because I’m too busy dancing in the passenger seat, much to Henry’s chagrin*. So instead, here is a video & some photos from our quick pit stop at Luna Pier. 

*(Apparently, I’m “the worst navigator” because I get “distracted” and become “too busy dancing.” Do it yourself then, Henry.)

Chooch wanted us to pretend like we were holding guns. Ok. 

We thought it was funny because Pretty Boy Floyd was referenced at a haunted house we went to last week. 


Then we looked for beach glass for approximately 37 seconds before losing interest and leaving. 

I think we still have 2 hours to go because we’ve stopped a million times to make up for not being able to stop hardly at all on the way to Michigan yesterday because we were on a TIGHT SCHEDULE thanks to Henry coming home from work later than intended. 

I’m excited to get home and do KpopX for three hours straight.