May 092017
 

You know how you pick a date for a party and you’re like, “Oh I have so much time” and then it’s the day of the party and you shut the front door on people and make them stand on the front porch because you’re not ready and why did so many come early when usually everyone comes late or not at all?!

Yeah, that was us on Sunday before Blake and Haley’s baby shower.

Luckily, I had the smarts to decorate the night before, so that was one less thing on the list that I had to break my neck trying to accomplish.

I love/hate decorating! Henry doesn’t know this yet, but we’re swapping out those letters for a G D R A G O N.

Or at the very least: K P O P.

He’ll be fine with it, don’t worry. #StockholmSyndrome

Blake and Haley have a mutual love for cacti and succulents, and they had a distinct woodland theme all up on that baby registry, so I was like CACTI AND FOXES IT IS. Henry said he would bake sugar cookies, and I was like OK cool you should do that Friday night, but he picked that moment to suddenly have a mind of his own and said Nah I’ll do that Saturday.

And then guess what happened? He fucked those cookies high up to the heavens and then sucker punched them down to the hell.

We went to bed angry.

He woke up at one point and mumbled, “I used too much butter. That’s what it was…”

When I woke up Sunday morning, he was already out of bed, making a new batch of those motherbitchin’ cookies.

And then he left me alone with them and several bags of icing while he took Chooch to piano lessons because neither of us had the foresight to cancel the lesson since we had a gazillion things to do, and then on top of that the fucking Pittsburgh marathon was happening so Henry couldn’t get to any of the Asian markets he frequents on Sunday in order to procure last minute ingredients pertinent to the appetizer recipes we picked out, so our kimbap had no damn daikon and the tteokbokki kkochu was just fried tteok with whatever sauce he came up with on the fly.

SUCH SAD.

Anyway, me and the cookies, alone in the kitchen. Good goddammit I might be able to kind of doodle and maybe I could pass with a C- in Painting, but when it comes to arting with icing?

I AM ALL THUMBS.

I cried.

I raged.

I did that thing where I make like I’m going to kick a hole in the wall but then I stop at the last second and just scream instead.

You know that thing.

You do it too.

YOU DO.

Finally I motherfucked the bags of icing because they were making my CLENCHED FISTS shake too much, and I opted for the medium beloved by my preschool brethren.

That goo-goo ga-ga go-to.

That fingerpainting formula.

It mostly worked, but I was so angry and stressed out by the time Henry and Chooch came home that I could barely hear their compliments overtop the rage-ringing in my ears.

I was in the kitchen for a really long time doing this! Like 35 minutes! When all  wanted to do was Kpopx! (I have a problem. At least it’s not heroin, though?)

I was putting last minute touches on the foxes when people started arriving and the stress and HURRYHURRY of the situation found my hands stained with ink-black icing, which I inadvertently spread to my mouth and teeth because that’s how I clean myself.

So when I opened the door to let everyone in, Blake immediately followed his hello with, “Were you eating…chocolate?”

ALL OVER MY MOUTH AND TEETH.

You know who said nothing about this and let me open the door to a host of party-people?

HENRY.

He said he didn’t notice.

You know why he didn’t notice?

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T LOOK AT ME.

Anyway.

The shower!

Here are the people who came:

Judy, Kelly, Sam, and Steph

My mom

Janna

Chris and Monica

Blake’s friends Tyler and Bob

Christy

Kara

Their main shower was the day before, this was just for Henry’s side of the family and my friends to dump all of the baby goods on Blake and Haley. So it was super caj and low-key. Which was great for Haley because she seemed pretty exhausted. We didn’t make them play any weirdo games or anything. They got to lounge around, eat, be annoyed/entertained by Chooch, and then open presents.

Chill and food-filled. The best kind of party.

I kept changing my mind with the cake and before I knew it, the shower was a week away. Luckily, Bethel Bakery was beyond accommodating and whipped up this babe for us (the inside had blood orange buttercream, STFU). We stuck with the woodland/fox theme and Blake & Haley seemed to like it so that’s all that matters in the end!

Henry and I only almost killed each other 4x over the cake-ordering, but who’s counting.

When Blake was here for Chooch’s birthday party, he asked if his baby shower was going to be Korean themed. I promised him I wouldn’t do that and that we could just have standard party food, but then he said, “I mean, if you want to have Korean food…”

“Do you want me to have Korean food?”

“….maybe?” he said with a suggestive shrug.

“That means yes!” I said later to Henry, but then that was quickly followed with, “I can’t tell if he’s just instigating me though….” and Henry just laughed because Blake has always instigated me when it comes to my obsessions.

Nevertheless, we added some Korean fare and flair to the party in the way of daikon-less kimbap (boo) and some Henry-bastardization of tteok kkochi, as previously mentioned. Everyone was like “this is good” but in my heart, I knew what it was supposed to taste like, and this was just “so-so.”

(Sorry Henry but you know it’s true!)

When Christy arrived, she said, “I guess I’ll just put my present down here on the…wheelchair,” and then she looked around the room at everyone with this, “Erin is a fucking weirdo, amirite guys?” We’ve known each other since we were 4 years old so really nothing I do shocks her…ever.

Don’t let this picture fool you – the guys were REALLY INTO the presents. Blake especially was like freaking the fuck out over last onesie and washcloth. He’s easily excitable.

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I made this cacti painting for Calvin’s nursery, which doesn’t match their theme at all, but cacti! It was the first painting I’ve made in months. Ruts, you know?

“How long is this flag banner going to stay up?” Henry asked after it got snagged on his hat for the millionth time since it was initially hung for Chooch’s surprise party last week.

“Forever,” I said with a smile. I love it. PARTY DECORATIONS FOREVER.

Things took a turn when Chooch asked if his neighbor friend Marky could come in; everyone said No! and I said Sure! because I love how annoyed he makes everyone. Chooch put on some YouTube video of a guy pretending to package up his family and mail them to wherever they were going on vacation…??? I’m not exactly sure what was going on other than this family thought they were SO FUCKING FUNNY with all their basic white walls in their McMansion.

Anyway, every time a family member would get into the box, Marky started gleefully chanting, “SUCFFOCATE! YEAH! SUFFOCATE THEM! KILL THEM! DIE! DIE!”

Welcome to the darkest baby shower ever.

I’m not sure if this picture was taken before or after Henry made some flip comment about, “She ran away and became lesbian” at which point time stood still, an ostrich ran backwards across the dining room floor, a tea cup full of blood hovered midair, and Monica broke through the barrier to say, “No, that’s not how any of this happens.”

GOOD JOB, HENRY. This is why we don’t have friends!

(Well, it’s usually because of me. But still.)

Then Chooch came in and did some spontaneous Beyonce squat, slapped himself on the ass, grabbed some chips, and left the room.

My mom brought artichoke dip and Picky Chooch was all, “Ew that sounds gross,” because he hates everything that’s not perched atop a waffle cone or from a vending machine (j/k, he likes grilled cheese too), so Monica slyly said, “That’s Chris’s favorite.”

“Really!?” Chooch exclaimed, spooning a huge dollop onto his plate. He is like obsessed with Chris (that said “Christ” at first and I really considered leaving it as that) to the point that Monica probably fears that Chooch will suffocate her (Monica) in her sleep.

Or have Marky do it.

In any case, Chooch now loves artichoke dip and when he found out my mom made it, he told me to tell her she’s hired.

“Marky wants to ride in the wheelchair, so I’m just going to take him out back,” Chooch casually said, filling Monica’s head with images of Marky rolling up to her house in the middle of the night in a creaky wheelchair, knife in hand.

The parents-to-be!

We’re all so excited to meet baby Calvin next month. These two are going to be great parents!

So yeah, another baby shower in the books! I think I’m taking a hiatus from party-throwing though. Two in a week was a bit much even for me! Um, and apologies to the shower guests for any Marky-inspired nightmares they’ve been having since Sunday. Any other offensive remarks that may have been/were definitely made.

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May 082017
 

“What’s wrong? Why are you so flushed?” Amber asked me this morning as she walked by my desk. 

I took a few seconds to compose myself before squealing, “I just watched this G-Dragon video,” at which point there was a collective groan of “oh my god” all around me. 

But then I let her watch it and she became obsessed with trying to make fingerhearts and by obsessed I mean she practiced doing it for like 15 seconds and then went back to being a professional adult while Glenn was using his hostage eyes to plead for her to take him with her as she walked away.

Tim của anh nè 🖤❤️ @xxxibgdrgn @peaceminusonedotcom @peaceminusone

A post shared by ✨ 🇻🇳 V.I.P Vietnam 🇻🇳✨ (@phuonnganh_88) on

Every time I made someone watch this video today, I would giddily whisper, “OMG what’s he looking for? Oh, oh! Fingerhearts.” And then I would clutch my heart and swoon. 

Wendy thought this was dumb but then she too tried to accomplish the perfect heart-shaped placement of the fingers. 

She was watching me do it and cried, “Why can’t I do it? My fingers won’t do it right! Why?”

“Because they’re yours,” I shrugged. 

“I couldn’t imagine what he was going to pull out of his pocket,” Todd said. “But then it was just fingerhearts. That’s time I’ll never get back.”

Whatever.  Lauren thought it was adorable. And Glenn is probably at home right now waving fingerhearts in front of his baby daughter’s face. 

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May 062017
 

Several years ago, Henry and I attempted to go to the Korean Food Bazaar at the Korean Church in Shadyside, but it was packed. Just driving by caused my heart rate to skyrocket at the hand of social anxiety.  But this year, I was determined! I wanted to eat all of the food that I basically eat everyday, only cooked by real Koreans and not my fake Korean chef Henry.

(He is actually pretty freaking good at cooking Korean cuisine: give the man some gochujang and dangmyeon and he’ll give you a good time. You know, in your mouth. Ugh, you know what I mean.)

Chooch and Judy came too. Chooch was relatively reluctant because he hates most food no matter the ethnicity, but Judy was all in. She even called Henry last night to make sure we were still taking her. Ever since she ate kimbap at Robbie and Nikki’s baby shower here at our house, she has been wanting to try more.

On the way to Shadyside, Judy casually mused that she had never been there. 

“Um, didn’t you grow up there?” Henry asked. 

Judy considered this and then said, “Oh yeah” and suddenly all these memories came rushing back to her, of dragging her dog to a dog show at the Hunt Armory  and falling off a garage roof and going to the hospital. 

We got to the church shortly after the food festival started (and after Chooch and I beat Henry and Judy in a race to the ground level of the parking garage – they took the elevator while we stampeded down the steps, and the people in the elevator with Henry & Judy were all, “Aw man” when they saw that they LOST and then accused us of cheating?! Uh sorry guys, get on our level.

It was a whole thing you had to be there.

Anyway! There was already a decent crowd congregating at the church by the time we rolled up so we just started blindly throwing money at the vendors while we had the chance. First we snagged some fish-shaped buns, mung bean jeon, and hotteok which was my favorite thing I ate all day.

Hot Korean pancakes oozing with sugar and honey? YES AND PLEASE MOTHER MAY I HAVE ANOTHER.

I didn’t even get a picture.

Chooch ate his fish bun like it was the created thing he’s ever extracted from a pillowcase after trick or treating.

“See?! I told you red bean is an amazing flavor!” I said.

“This isn’t red bean,” he snarfled around a mouthful of fried dough. “See?” He held it up to show me the beautiful, thick red bean paste all up inside that fish-shaped bun. I insisted that it was indeed red bean paste, to which he cried, “Oh my god, red bean is so good!”

NO SHIT, IDIOT WHITE BOY.

Ugh.

Inside the church was a hot cluster. I just felt like I was in everyone’s way (because I was) and Old Erin probably would have left and sat in the car, but New Erin was all, “I GOT THIS (Henry, hold my hand)!” We got some mul naengmyeon for Judy and cleaned up on various banchan to take home, including lotus root, bellflower, the greatest kimchi I’ve ever tasted this side of Korea, persimmon punch, chappsaltteok, and sikhye (a fucking delicious rice drink).

#heaven

I was worried that Judy wouldn’t like her mul narngmyeon because it’s a cold dish and the first time I had it (meatless version), I was like “BITCH HEAT THIS UP” but then I loved it.

And Judy did too!

“I like this. I could make it over there in Korea, I think,” she said around a mouthful of perfectly cold noodles.  I mean, she likes BIGBANG too so she’s already halfway there.

Henry copied off me and got bibimbap. Also, he bought a package of soondae at the gentle persistence of a woman behind the table and I was like, “Oh god, ok, good luck with that, Hank.” Later, he asked, “So can you eat this? Is there meat in it?”

I was like, “Dude, it’s BLOOD SAUSAGE. It’s so much meat that my stomach hurts even talking about it so please stop. TOFU. SEITAN. TEMPEH. LETTUCE. SOY MILK. LALALALALA.”

When there’s no cereal or grilled cheese option at the Korean food festival.

Basically, Chooch will be living off fish-shaped buns and hotteok if we go to South Korea. There are worse diets out there.

I was practicing how to say things like, “What is that?” this morning but then I realized that if I ask a question in Korean, I’m going to get an answer in Korean and I probably/definitely won’t know what it means. I’m trying, guys. I might need a legit tutor though.  I get frustrated very easily which might come as a shock to some.

We stayed for about 2 and a half hours, but if the weather hadn’t been so cold and drizzly, I think we would have camped out a lot longer.  I didn’t even get any tteokbokki! (Henry makes it a lot at home though so at least I have that as an option. BUT STILL.)

I refused to leave without at least getting some patbingsu, and I liked it better than the one I had at Sumi’s Cakery, so that was a nice finish to a day of gorging on the food of (wish they were) my people.

We had a great time today, and Judy didn’t even offend anyone! (At least not while I was around. We did leave her unattended for about 30 minutes. Shit…)

Mock my k-diet if you want, but I feel better than I ever have my whole life. Kimchi 4lyfe!

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May 042017
 

Plus random pictures. Bulletpoint posts: the true compost piles of blogging. We’ll start with a random picture of a thing in my house and go from there.

  • The other day, Chooch asked, “Remember your apple tattoo? Do you still have it?” Um you mean the one that takes up most of my upper right arm? Yes, it’s still there, son.
  • In order to get Chooch out of the house so that we could surprise him last Saturday, we arranged for Blake and Haley to take him to the gaming place on the Boulevard. I think this place is so dumb – just a room filled with TVs and computers where parents can abandon their children for hours on end, but Chooch and all his weird little friends love this place. Needless to say, Chooch has become chummy (lol, who even uses that word other than me, right now) with the guys who run the place, so Henry stopped up ahead of time and let them know the sitch. Basically, he started a tab which I didn’t even know you could do. He went back the next day to pay it, and Ed told him the total was like $43 or something. Henry was all, “OMG for what?!” So Ed showed him the long list of all of the snacks that Chooch had “purchased” in addition to the hourly rate ($5 a person – Ed is like the cheapest babysitter in town). So Henry came home and was like, “Chooch, the FUCK!?” at which point Chooch blamed Haley, and then Blake blamed Chooch, and this is just the funniest thing ever to me because Henry was so pained over it, haha.
    • When we went to visit Robbie & Nikki at the hospital after the twins were born, Chooch was all, “Robbie, do you want to go to the gaming place with me today?” Like yeah, little bro, I literally just became a dad but let me ditch the fam and sit in front of a computer for 5 hours with you.
  • Chooch is friends with these two younger kids that live on the street, and for the sake of not getting in trouble with parents, we’ll just call them J and M. Really though I’m not going to be dragging them through the mud or anything…this time. Anyway, J & M are friends with some kid from their grade named Wesley. I don’t know if he’s new or what but I haven’t heard shit about any Wesley until recently and now HE IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT. Let’s back up. Wesley lives a few streets away and I guess M & J aren’t allowed to go there alone, so they asked Super Brave and Responsible Fifth Grade Chooch to go with them one day. This was about a month ago, I guess. Chooch was reluctant, because he was already hanging out with TWO younger kids, why did he need to add a third to the crew, you know? But he went anyway, and by the time he came home he had been sufficiently infected with the Wesley Bug. “Wesley has TWO TRAMPOLINES,” he said, ruddy cheeks and out of breath from running all the way home in excitement. “AND A POODLE NAMED BELLA, A REALLY COOL OLDER BROTHER NAMED WADE, AND A MOM WHO COOKS!” So it’s been all Wesley, all the time ever since and I am like, “STFU ABOUT WESLEY AND HIS DUMB COOKING MOTHER ALREADY, GOD.” And then he started going to Wesley’s without J & M. “Wesley likes me better than them, anyway,” Chooch said all cockily the other day. “And he doesn’t act like he’s 8. He’s more mature than them.” Oh for God’s sake. So this has been going on for weeks now, this Wesley Mania. Monday night, he had JUST walked into the house after returning from Wesley’s when his phone rang. He answered it and put it on speaker which I absolutely hate, and without any salutation whatsoever, J’s whiny voice blasted through the speaker: “So you went to Wesley’s.” WOW. OK, POSSESSIVE. So Chooch hung up on him immediately and said, “Ugh, I thought I blocked him.” So then they had a text-fight, which had Chooch defending himself like a wife who can’t be trusted: “Oh, so now I need your permission to go to Wesley’s?” he texted, and the feud culminated with J texting: “Do you want to come over?” Ugh kids.
    • But really though: Wesley and Wade?

  • We took Henry’s mom to Bob Evans (I originally typed Bob’s Evan. Someone send my brain to the beach please) for her birthday the other night. On the way out, she picked up a jar out of a barrel and asked, “How much sodium do you think is in this?” Henry squinted at it and said, “Mom, that’s a candle.” We all had a good laugh, but then a few moments later, in the parking lot, she asked earnestly, “No but really, what’s worse – a lot of sodium, or a lot of salt?”
  • I’ve been taking turmeric supplement things for the last month or so, after several people recommended it. At first, Henry was like, “I AM NOT BUYING THIS, THAT’S DUMB” but then his mom randomly mentioned one day that she’s been taking turmeric because some talk show or Steve Harvey told her too, so now suddenly it’s not some witch doctor bullshit drug that can’t be trusted, so he bought me a bottle.  Today, after choking back my daily dose, I held the bottle up and said to Glenn, “I don’t feel any different at all.” He asked how long I had been taking them and I told him a month or so but admitted that there were days that I forgot, of course. “Well, what’s it supposed to do?” he asked, so I read the thing about helping with inflammation that’s all big and bold on the bottle. “But, I’m not particularly inflamed, though,” I said with a shrug, realizing that perhaps I didn’t need turmeric’s help after all. “No, you’re just inflaming,” Glenn muttered.
  • I CANT BELIEVE I AM GOING TO BE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS G-DRAGON.
  • Todd lost his ID badge (literally days after saving it from falling into a sewer grate which I just think is the funniest thing ever) so he asked me to go with him to Reception so he could get a temporary one. Look – I get it. I hate going to other floors alone too. Our department doesn’t really mingle much with other floors. Anyway, the receptionist asked me, “Do you need one too, or are you guys just traveling together?” For some reason, this made me laugh, because I started picturing us backpacking throughout the law firm.
    • “I don’t see you lasting very long as a backpacker,” Glenn said when I told him about this the next day. (LOOK, IT FELT LIKE A GREAT STORY AT THE TIME OK.) “Yeah I know. My backpack would just be filled with junk,” I said in total agreement.
      • Interestingly, this was the second time that day I found myself in a conversation about backpacks. The first was earlier that morning when I told Lauren that my high school backpack was full of toys. She wasn’t surprised.

  • One of my co-workers is grooming me to take over editing our department’s Wiki page after she retires. I don’t want to make it sound like it’s a big deal but it’s a big deal ok. Anyway, she was off several days last week so I thought it would be fun to replace the WELCOME SPRING picture with a picture of my horrible candy bowl, with the caption “Come get some.” It lasted two days before Cheryl came back and replaced it. My group had our weekly meeting on Monday and My Favorite Work Friend Amber (and this has nothing to do with the fact that she has the ability to deny my PTO requests now) thanked me for revamping our group’s reference page, which launched me on a crybaby tangent about how apparently I can be given rights to edit all this shit but god forbid I should ever change the picture. “Cheryl took down my pumpkin and replaced it with some dumb, generic tree,” I whined. The next day, I found out from Glenn that the “dumb, generic” tree picture was Gayle’s and I know this because he forwarded me an email from her that said “That dumb generic tree picture is mine.”  OOPS SORRY GAYLE but this is very funny to me now! I told Henry and when I couldn’t stop laughing, he was like, “how do you have any friends at work?” Apparently Lauren knew this also and said she didn’t have a chance to kick me before I went any deeper into my freshly dug grave.
  • Sometime after buying MY G-DRAGON TICKETS on Tuesday, I was walking back from the kitchen when Amber, who was ahead of me, stopped and asked if Henry and I booked a hotel yet for the show. “No, but I’d sleep on someone’s floor if I had to, I don’t even care!” I said, still riding that high of snagging VIP tickets. “What if you slept on G-DRAGON’s floor?” Amber goaded, and then I got all dreamy-eyed and weird and yelled, “Ugh, why did you have to say that now I can’t stop thinking about G-Dragon’s floor!” and this was right as we rounded the corner to where our desks are, so Glenn heard the tail-end. “How long do we have to hear about this?” he asked in annoyance. “She started it!” I cried, pointing at Amber. “I was just walking along quietly and she brought it up!” UGH.
  • The other day, I popped into CVS on my break and the old lady at he register flipped out over my phone case and started calling her co-workers over to see it. The manager, a youngish guy somewhere in his 20s I guess, asked my permission  to Snapchat it and I was like, “Go for it?” I’ve had it for over a year so it’s a bit worn, but here it is:

  • Speaking of my phone, I actually left it on my desk when I left yesterday and had to come back up to get it. Lori was like HOW. I’m mean really, this case makes my phone 3x bigger it feels like yet I still somehow left without it
  • Remember when I wasted 7 years of my life obsessing over Jonny Craig, completely unaware that G-Dragon was only 6,781 miles away? LE SIGH.
  • The other day, Chooch came home (from Wesley’s, ugh) and his hand was bleeding but he didn’t know why. While Henry was calmly asking him questions (such as “did you fall”), I was busy screaming, “STIGMATA!”
  • Todd just sadly admitted that some of this Kpop stuff is sticking with him and that if he mentioned it to any of his friends they’d be like, “…………..”
  • I’m really excited for Henry to stand in the pit at this G-Dragon show and wave a light stick.  “He should just use a lighter. Maybe there’s an open flame rule and he can get kicked out. Tell him to start planning ahead,” Glenn suggested after I showed him pictures of what light sticks are in the Kpop world.

  • OMG you guys! Last night, Chooch and I went for a walk to the boulevard when guess who we ran into?! DAVID FUCKERBITCH. Chooch was like, “Oh god no, please don’t, oh god” but it was too late – I had whipped out my best glare and wouldn’t let him out of my sight. He was on his bike with some other hooligan, and he kept trying to get Chooch’s attention but Chooch was all, “NOT TODAY. NOT WITH MY MOM. SHE’S A LOOSE CANNON” so he pulled me into CVS and away from conflict, but not before I loudly said, “THEY LOOK LIKE HOOLIGANS” which is clearly my favorite word to use in this situation. Chooch just rolled his eyes and we moved on with our lives, until after CVS when we continued down the boulevard to go to Scoops, and DAVID LOSERVILLE was back, tooling around on his bike in front of the Las Palmas taco cart. We were waiting to cross the street when he wheeled on over to us, licking his FunDip or whatever dumb candy he had that was turning his vulgar tongue blue. He just sat there, leaning on the handlebars of his bike, staring and smiling at Chooch, trying to get a  reaction from her. “Is there a problem?” I asked, causing Chooch to groan. “No, I’m just going to stare at him until he looks at me,” David Toothrot replied in an obnoxiously sing-song voice. “AWKWARD,” I said, as the light turned and we were finally able to cross the street. “YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE,” Chooch spat. “As if it’s not already bad enough that I’m walking down the boulevard WITH MY MOM.” OMG ew, shut your face, Chooch! I’m way cooler than a mom. And besides, we were going to get ice cream while David BrokedownBike was out there, I don’t know, panhandling or whatever it was he was doing. It was 8:30 at night – GO HOME KID.
    • By the time we got home, I was so amped up over this run-in. I excitedly filled in Henry, who just frowned and said, “Wow Erin, that’s great. Are you happy now?” WHY YES, I AM.
    • I came to work and told Glenn and Todd, and they were just like, “Wow. Way to bully a fifth grader.” Then Todd said I should create a fake Instagram, like I’m a kid, so I can bully him and I was like, “THAT’S A GREAT IDEA I COULD CATFISH HIM TOO” and Todd quickly said, “I WAS KIDDING DON’T DO THAT!” while Glenn was like, I don’t know, beating his head off the desk.
  • I decided a few hours ago that I was going to be nice to Wendy today but then just now I told her she’s dumb, so maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. It should be easy since she won’t be here.

And we’ll end on a beautiful G-Dragon note because I’M GOING TO SEE HIM ON BIRTHDAY.

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May 022017
 

I’m going to see G-Dragon! ON MY BIRTHDAY! Everyone at work was on PINS & NEEDLES (lol) when tickets went on sale today, and now they’re split between being excited for me and thinking I’ve lost my mind for splurging on one of the VIP packages but YOLO and TAX REFUND, etc. 

Henry is going to look so adorable in the special VIP box with me and all the screaming girls! 

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!11111111

Lauren said she wished she had a picture of my face because it looked so adorable and I’m pretty sure Glenn quietly dry-heaved behind my back. 

Today rules!

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May 012017
 

PVRIS is back!

Ahhhhhh I have so many thoughts right now but none of them are very intelligible. In fact, while I was watching it, I couldn’t stop saying “oh my god” in a creepy deep-throat. 

Then I woke up Henry by (LIGHTLY) slapping his face & hoarsely breathing, “PVRIS has a new song.  HENRY – PVRIS HAS A NEW SONG…..and it’s magnificent.”

And the video is pure Hitchcockian art. I hope it’s part of a bigger narrative, and knowing PVRIS – it probably is 

I’m so excited right now HOW WILL I EVER SLEEP. 

Completely unrelated: Here are two pictures of Drew. 


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May 012017
 

IMG_0625 IMG_0614

My birthdays were always 100% solid when I was a kid. My Pappap made sure of that! My expectations are always stupid high now though and guess what THERE IS NO PAPPAP MAKING SHIT HAPPEN FOR ME ANYMORE.

LOL.

Just kidding, I’m crying.

Because they were always so special to me, I always try hard to make Chooch’s special and memorable too. Maybe he doesn’t give a shit about it right now, but hopefully one day when he’s older and no one babies him anymore on his dumb birthday, he’ll go home and call up on my blog by pointing at the air in front of him and the words will twist themselves into a holographic recreation of whatever birthday he’s reading about so he’ll get to experience it all over again, even the stench of his shitty diaper at his first birthday party and the sound of my friend Lauren’s son breaking his arm at Chooch’s 7th birthday party at the roller rink.

That’s what I imagine the future will be like, OK?

Just in case it’s like that, here is what we did on his actual birthday, which fell on a Tuesday:

First, we had dinner at Bado’s. Our waiter was a young ditzy boy who might have been still in high school, who can tell these days. He didn’t spill anything on us, at least.

It was also BALLOON NIGHT at Bado’s and at first I thought it was going to be annoying as fuck, but when the balloon lady wheeled her cart of latex (that could have been so much cooler) to our table, she was actually pretty awesome and we had a splendid conversation with her, which culminated with she and Chooch sharing pictures of their cats with each other.

Henry couldn’t have been more uncomfortable, like she was going to ask him if he wanted a balloon thong or VHS porno.

(It’s been a long day.)

Behind Henry was a booth with two guys and their super young kids. It was less My Two Dads and more The Wives Made Us Take the Kids Out with Us, What Do We Do? How About Just Ignore Them.

I thought Henry was actually going to turn around and say something at one point but nope. True to form, he just sighed and mindlessly scrolled through his phone.

The food was OK, though!

Afterward, Chooch insisted on going to Chuck E. Cheese.

“At first I was just joking….but now I kind of want to go,” he sheepishly told me that morning. Ugh, FML. He was all impressed that I was playing games, but it was just because I was trying to burn through the tokens faster so we could leave.

ANYTHING TO MAKE THE KID SMILE, I GUESS, UGH.

That balloon lady was so legit, though.

***

Meanwhile, we had been planning a surprise party for him on Saturday. If we’re being honest, I almost let this birthday pass us by without a party but then I decided to go the surprise route because we’ve never done that to him yet and I love fucking with the kid. 

We kept it small and chill. 

Because one day he might want to look up the guest list of some arbitrary childhood birthday party as the determining factor of whether he should a grudge against someone (totally not at all something I would ever be petty enough to do), here is the guest list. If you’re on it, odds are you’re safe. (For now.)

  • Blake & Haley (our helpers in keeping Chooch away from the house, god bless them)
  • Chris & Monica
  • Janna
  • Kara, Harland, Theo
  • My mom 
  • Judy
  • Chris, Kari, Katelyn
  • Wonka, Jess, Cosi, Anais
  • Ricky & Dawn (they had the fun task of hiding their hearse somewhere Chooch wouldn’t see it lol)
  • Henry’s sister, Zac & Brian

My house is super small so that was a lot of people to cram up in there, quietly to boot! I was so nervous because Chooch is a wildcard. You never know how he will react. I was worried he might get upset or punch me so I threw out the script where I cried “Surprise! We’re putting you up for adoption!” and went with the more traditional “Surprise!” /end

I bought a confetti cannon too, and decided that henry was the only one qualified to use it, you know, since he was in the Service and I was just a measly GIRL SCOUT. 

Finally, it was 7:30 and Chooch returned home with Blake & Haley…

Surprise! We ruined your froyo! #ChoochsSurpriseParty

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His froyo, tho!

He was genuinely surprised! We had a few close calls, like when he was watching videos on Henry’s phone and got a notification that I updated his surprise party even page on Facebook…..

I pretended like his dinner at Tillies last week was supposed to be the surprise but then no one aside my brother and mom and Judy could make it. He never mentioned it again. 

The theme was “butterflies” since he abhors  them. My favorite thing about this cake was not the taste (it was just so-so), but the fact that DeLuca’s Bakery kept the Shutterstock watermark on it. 

I even got him a purple tiara with a butterfly on it and of course snapped Mary a picture of him wearing it. I was off my game that night. 


I promised that there wouldn’t be any Korean stuff and even put on the Penguins game for everyone. We beat the Capitals 6-2!

The back porch really came in handy because there were so many people crammed into my clown car of a house, so Kara & her kids, Chronica, Haley, Blake, & Chooch migrated out there and watched Chooch put together his Nano Block sets. 

I mean, they probably talked, too, I would imagine. 

Chooch was really obnoxious and borderline rude when he was opening his presents, which was very early on in the night. I’m hoping it was just because he was still overwhelmed and not because THIS IS ELEVEN. Several times I flat out told him to stop being rude. But then once attention was off him, he seemed like regular Chooch again. 

Good, because I wasn’t impressed with his newfound cockiness. 

I was going to wrap a box of toothpicks as a gift, but I thought that might push him over the edge. It didn’t stop some of my friends from making perfectly-callous references to it, though. I love my friends. 

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My hope is that Chooch will look back on these parties and know that he’s loved. 

I just told him this was his last birthday party ever and he got really sad, lol. 

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Apr 302017
 

…sad that this beautiful weekend is nearly over. We had a successful surprise party for Chooch, got to hang out with some of our favorite people, and today Henry HELD MY HAND during our walk through Brookline (because I latched on and wouldn’t let go but still).

Now I’m relaxing with MVs because I’m 16 and I’m trying to take my mind off of the stress of buying G-Dragon tickets. 

“You have teenage priorities,” Henry said.

IT’S CALLED HAVING PASSIONS, BUT OK. 

More later. I’m tired. 

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Apr 282017
 

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Basement is currently on tour with Thursday and Touche Amore and I was disappointed that there was no Pittsburgh show. But then Basement announced that they were coming here on one of their off-dates! Henry is pretty ambivalent about Basement* so I didn’t even bother asking him to go with me. I just bought a ticket for one (so sad) and told him he had to drop me off at Cattivo after work on Wednesday.

*(He didn’t go with me the first time I saw them at Altar Bar and he didn’t even stand me when I was right in front of the stage for them at Riot Fest. Henry hates British people. Pass it on.)

We got there a bit before doors opened so I told Henry to just drive around so I didn’t have to stand in line with my head down, praying no one would talk to me. So Henry drove past Cattivo and made a right.

“Hey look, that’s probably Basement’s van,” Henry said, and then, “Hey look, someone just got out.” So he turned around because I was interested in seeing who it was. It turned out to be Al, and he’s my favorite!!

He was walking down a dead end street which leads toward the river, and Henry fucking turned down the street and followed him in spite of my protests. There was literally no reason for us to be driving down there, and it was clear that we were stalking the poor guy, so he looked extremely startled when Chooch put down the window and cried, “Hi AL!!!” Like, were we about to shove a burlap sack over his head and hogtie him in our trunk? YOU NEVER CAN TELL WITH US.

“Oh, hi,” he cautiously said back to us, and then we made eye contact so I felt obligated to also say hi as I was sliding down in the front seat into the puddle of anxiety I had created on the floor.

And then Henry promptly turned the car around and drove off.

It was so embarrassing. Like when your dad drives you to school and your little brother says something dumb out  the window to the cute skater guy that you’re obsessed with, Scott Dambaugh who, what now?

Luckily, Chooch wasn’t wearing his Tuesdays with Tay shirt that features Al, because then this probably would have been just one more instance of Chooch stealing bands away from me. (NEVER FORGET: THE T-SHIRT THAT RUINED MY LIFE.)

Ugh. After that happened, I made them drop me off a block away from Cattivo so they wouldn’t have a chance to strike twice.

I was blessed to have an evening of relative invisibility. I sank into the wall and was the victim of no small talk, no sleazy accidental touching, and no drunken Yinzer rudeness whatsoever. Thank you, concert overlords.

The first band to play was Primer & Grayscale, a local band I first saw several months ago at Smiling Moose. I think they were opening the Pianos Become the Teeth show, but I am too lazy and unconcerned at the moment to fact check that. Which is why my blog is fake news. Anyhow, I fucking fell in love with these guys from the get-go and immediately started following them on Instagram and Facebook, which is actually how I found out about this show. I bought my ticket directly from them because if you don’t support local bands, you’re dead to me.

I forgot how great they are, to be honest, so hearing them the other night was like falling in love all over again. They opened with a new song and it made me catch my breath.

Please give these guys your ears for just a few moments and let their emo majesty swaddle your soul. I want them to play in my living room. LIKE RIGHT NOW. I’ll pause the Kpop that’s currently playing, just for them.

The second band was also local. Swiss Army.

They were alright and seemed to get the crowd hyped, and maybe it was just because my back was starting to hurt and I was hungry and tired, but they weren’t holding my attention. I didn’t feel all jammed up with the warm, moist feels like Primer & Grayscale had previously provided. Now I was just cold and lonely and wanting the night to hurry up and end.

Seriously though, I was “chew on my hair” hungry.

Thankfully, there were just three bands on the bill that night, and Basement started promptly at 8:45. Early shows are the best shows.

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This was my third time seeing them in just over a year (remember, this is the band that threw a wrench in Henry’s original itinerary for last year’s Disney trip lol) so I felt super lucky. There’s a certain energy they exude that I was desperate to take in that night, like a sonic slap to the face to wake me up. I’ve been doing OK lately but these kinds of wake up calls are always valued.

Basement gets me every time. (Only the first part is sideways sorry lol.)

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I quickly went from being cold and cranky to sweaty and SO FUCKING STOKED. I was still really hungry though so when I got in the car after the show and saw that Henry had a bag of pretzels, I snatched it out of his lap and ate like a hungry, hungry hippo. If concerts could curb appetites, I’d be a fucking waif.

Anyway, that was my night at Cattivo. I didn’t hate anyone and I adored 2 out of 3 bands.

 

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Apr 272017
 

Last week, I was doing my routine lunch break roaming. I generally don’t have a destination in mind, I just kind of roll with it, and if something eventful happens—cool. If not, at least I racked up some steps, amirite? Well, two days in a row I had an eventful walk. Here, let me tell you all about it. Stay for a spell, WON’T YOU.

1. The Lady In the Road

On Thursday, my free-form pavement pounding found me crossing the Rachel Carson bridge. I only know that’s the bridge I was on because there are pennants hanging all over it that say RACHEL CARSON with some broad’s face on it.

A thing to note about me is that I am VERY SCARED of bridges, but I try to cross one on foot every now and again as a psychological exercise. On windy days, I am fraught with fear. FRAUGHT. And one time I was certain the man in front of me had a bomb and I started to have blurred vision.

I made it off the bridge though in case you were wondering.

OK, back to the Rachel Carson bridge. I was on it. Everything was going as fine as it could be for someone with a crippling fear of hovering atop a disgusting river. I was almost to the end of the bridge when the man who was walking a few yards ahead of me took off into a sprint. I shrugged it off as a sudden burst of energy, but then panicked because what if he knew that the bridge was about to buckle!?

Turns out, he was running to assist a woman who was sprawled out in the middle of the road just a bit away from the end of the bridge. Several other people were gathered around, cars were pulled over, a bus too.

There was a white towel laying near her head.

I knew almost immediately that something was wrong.

In case you couldn’t figure that out.

The Alcoa building was right next to the intersection where this scene was playing out, and several people had congregated on the sidewalk. I walked up to an older woman and asked, “Was she hit by a car?” But her response to me was a screeching, “OH MY LAWD THAT WAS TURRIBLE! THAT WAS TURRIBLE! OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!” and then she balled up her hands, stamped her feet, and screamed, “OOOH LAWD!” and walked away from me, tears spurting from her eyes.

I clearly wasn’t getting the 411 from her, and I deduced that whatever had happened, it took place mere seconds before I came across the bridge. So by this point, numerous people were on the phone with 911, and little ol’ Erin hanging around ,with an iced lavender latte in one clammy paw, was not going to help the situation in any sense whatsoever. I lowered my head a bit and slowly walked away, and then once I got to the next block, I started crying. That poor lady! I don’t know her, or what she was doing, where she was going, but I knew that I just wanted her to be OK.

And I barely care about people, so that says a lot. I must have been struck by the gods of humanity at a weak moment, I don’t know.

By the time I made it to the next block, I could hear sirens in the distance, and my legs turned to noodles. So then I dove into an endless abyss of hypotheticals and what-ifs.

I texted my friend Debbie who works in the building right next to the accident scene and she replied to me later on to tell me that it ended up being a woman who works in her building, and that luckily she was OK – just sore and bruised.

Such a relief!

Caring is a weird feeling.

2. Bring Some Home For Daddy

I occasionally see this super disheveled yet exuberant man ambling about the ‘Burgh aimlessly, I guess the same way I do except I don’t yell uplifting platitudes at strangers or sing to myself.

Yet, anyway.

I walked past him one day about a month ago while he was looking into a store window and he was momentarily sidetracked from whatever mental mathematics he was chugging through with the aid of his fingers and an imaginary abacus.

“Oh, you have a nice day, pretty lady! Yeah, you have a nice day, now!” he sputtered jovially, and I thanked him because I’ll take compliments from anyone, NO DISCRIMINATION HERE, but I did pick up my pace a bit because…yikes.

It occurred to me that he looked really familiar, like maybe I had seen him the last time I was in the psych ward, but then I realized he looked like one of the baggers at Kuhn’s, and that is a huge feat for me to remember someone who works at Kuhn’s considering I’ve only gone there maybe 10 times in the last 16 years.

Hello, Henry-oppa does all the domestic bitch work.

I described him to Henry who admitted that he did sound familiar based on my impeccable profiling skills. But this wasn’t good enough and I set off on a mission to take his picture.

Fast forward to last Friday. A beautiful spring day, lots of activity downtown. Glenn mentioned that there was a stand in Market Square giving away tomato plants or something and I wanted one, so I stopped there first and found the stand. I just stood there for a few seconds and no one gave me anything, so I got mad and moved on to another booth where I got to try a sample of some kind of honey water. It was OK.

None of this has anything to do with the point of this story, but I felt the need to include it.

I did a huge loop around the Point and circled back onto Liberty Avenue, which is where a lot of hot messes can be found.

Just as I was approaching Planned Parenthood, I saw him. He was rummaging into a basket of chalk to help one of the protesters desecrate the sidewalk with her cheap message. I thought to myself, “Wow, a two-for-one special!” as I readied my phone.

Just as I took the picture, the man turned and looked straight at me. I mean, see for yourself:

I froze, wondering if he was going to be angry. Instead, he moved toward me quickly and put his fist up, so I was like, “Oh ok. I’ll play” and humored him with a fist bump. This was already breaking my NO HUMAN CONTACT rule, but whatever. I was in a good mood (no thanks to those motherfuckers in Market Square, denying me a tomato thing).

And then…

Oh god…

I barely have it in me to say…

The horrors….

He pulled me in, so fucking fast, into a suffocating bear hug.

It was like that Tango move. You know the one. Where the dude just yanks the broad into him.

THAT HAPPENED TO ME ON THE SIDE OF LIBERTY AVENUE.

IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

I froze. Completely shut down. Went limp.

Obviously he smelled pretty bad, and he was so sweaty, oh my god, the dampness of his untucked shirt….

The dampness.

So much moisture on that shirt.

TOUCHING ME.

I began to hear the sounds of wavering sheet metal in my ears, which usually means I’m about to pass out, die, or be lifted up into space by a beam of light.

Did you know that I hate hugs? I don’t even like hugging my friends. In high school, Lisa used to chase me around and threaten me with hugs all the time. I have a picture somewhere depicting one such occasion but alas, I am not in a position to search for said picture at this precise moment in time.

But anyway – back to the wet embrace. I was still all up in those stinky pits, pinned against his soggy shirt, feeling his hot breath against the side of my head as he gushed in the voice of 1940s radio personality, “Aren’t you just a pretty little lady, bring some home for daddy.”

BRING SOME HOME FOR DADDY.

That gave me the strength to wrench myself out of his vice-like hold and take off down the sidewalk, past all these people staring at me like I was the crazy one for going around hugging vagabonds, and I was acutely aware of him crossing the street while singing some song about FEELING JOLLY.

Oh my fucking god, why.

Why me.

Why why why.

On my race back to work, I started thinking of all the ways this situation could have gone awry. He could have turned hostile and stabbed me or worse – he could have stolen my G-Dragon pin!

I got back to work and my hands were shaking like milk (shout out to you if you know it). My first mistake was telling Glenn what happened. He thought this was the greatest story ever told. He loved it. Every last second of it. Meanwhile, I still hadn’t regained the color to my face and was still stumbling around with the pallor of a girl who just had her soul hugged out of her.

“That guy’s going to be have good dreams tonight,” Glenn chuckled and I felt sick all over again.

My second mistake was not immediately going home and taking a shower. Instead, I spent the rest of my workday, sitting inside the sweater that had just been molested by the sweat-stippled chest wig of a sidewalk stranger.

My third mistake was also my first mistake which was TELLING GLENN, who derived great joy in asking, “Did you tell them about your new friend?” every time someone came over to my desk. The really unfortunate part was that one of those people was Wendy and if there is anyone who loves basking in a swimming pool of Erin-related schadenfreude, it’s freaking WENDY.

“Oh my god, I would have pissed myself if I had been there!” she wheezed, and then I reached into my drawer to get out more of my international candy and Glenn happily said, “Bring some home for daddy!”

****

When I showed Henry the picture of my hugger, he said, “It looks like it could the brother of the bagger from Kuhn’s, but it’s not the same guy. Good job, Erin.”

All that I endured to get that fucking picture, and it wasn’t even the same guy.

Fuck everyone.

(Except for that lady who got hit by the car.)

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Apr 262017
 

YOU GUYS. Yesterday, G-Dragon announced that he’s coming to NORTH AMERICA on his world tour this summer and I almost made Henry wreck the car.

“How old are you!?” he hissed when I couldn’t stop muttering, “G-Dragon, oh my god” over and over, ruining Chooch’s birthday.

I sent Amber2 an urgent CAPSLOCK text and she was all, “Wow, your vice is coming to America.” I knew she meant to say bias.

This morning, I just about slammed my phone into Glenn’s face to show him the announcement and he was like, “Wow. That pretty little girl is coming here.”

Because that’s what he calls GD. :(

Then Wendy came over and Amber2 asked, “Did you get a text too?” and Wendy just rolled her eyes and said yes.

“Mine ended with ‘I’M DYING’,” Amber told Wendy.

“Mine had exploding heart eyes or something,” Wendy sighed.

Then I got REALLY EMOTIONAL AT WORK which almost NEVER happens and my eyes started to water (allergies) and my face was SO FLUSHED (heatstroke?) OK fine – because OBSESSION.

The small audience around my desk was like, “Wow.”

“And we were just watching that video of him yesterday!” I cried over my shoulder to Glenn, and explained to Wendy that it was a video from a few years back, when GD was doing a fan greet where people got in a line to shake his hand.

“I didn’t see him actually shake anyone’s hands,” Glenn mumbled. “He just barely touched them.”

“Yeah, well…that’s because you didn’t watch the entire sixteen minutes, Glenn,” I spat and Wendy took that as her cue to peace out from the ridiculous dialogue.

When Todd got to work, I screamed, “TODD OMG!” and Glenn was like, “LET HIM SIT DOWN FIRST, FOR GOD’S SAKE.”

It was the talk of the town. Well, office quadrant. Well, half of the office quadrant.

Anyway, tickets haven’t gone on sale yet and I am so nervous. His Seoul concert sold out in 8 minutes. Ugh! We’re (we’re, lol) hoping to go to the Toronto show because it’s on MY BIRTHDAY. Please pray for me.

I was looking at the different VIP packages (of course there aren’t any prices available yet) and now I feel like I need the gold package but Henry said it’s probably $2000. I HAVE THINGS THAT I CAN SELL. I WILL SELL MY FUCKING RIOT FEST TICKETS WATCH ME.

(OK I don’t want to have to do that but I will because not going to Riot Fest will save us a lot of $$$ GOD WHY ISN’T HENRY A DOCTOR OR AN OIL TYCOON OR A FRENCH PORN DIRECTOR*.)

*(Mostly because that would just be cool.)

“I don’t see that hi-touch thing on here, though,” Todd said when I made him also look at the VIP packages because that’s what I do – I suck people in and make them hold my hand while I obsess over things.

“Todd, that’s for KCON,” I said exasperatedly.

“Oh yeah! That’s KCON,” he said in an “I’m so dumb” tone.

Please try to keep up with my ever-changing flights of fancy.

This is going to be my last, if not only, chance to see him before he enlists in the military and IT IS ALL I COULD EVER WANT. (Aside from all the other things I want, but this is my #1 want currently!) I will be happy if I get the very top of the balcony seat, because at least I will be in the same room as the most perfect person in the whole entire world, Korea’s National Treasure, MY BIAS.

I will end this with a video of the time GD took the fall for a girl who killed her abusive boyfriend with a pineapple. <3

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Apr 252017
 

Indulge me for a minute or eleven, won’t you. It’s a mother’s right to feel brooding, nostalgic, and downright panicked over the passage of time on their child’s birthday. AFTER ALL, it is all about us. 

So please don’t mind the forthcoming deluge of photos, also known as CHOOCH THRU THE YEARS. 





Happy 11th birthday to my favorite person in the whole world (fine–tied with G-Dragon)! Chooch makes life so exciting and gives me frequent stomach aches from all the laughing fits he causes. He’s scary-smart yet has just enough blond moments to keep him grounded. 

He is my best model and goes along with (most) of my dumb photo shoot ideas. He’s my favorite amusement park partner, my sometimes-concert buddy, and also my biggest frenemy. (We are way too much alike.) 

He can hold his own with a roomful of adults, and his wit is enviable. Get this kid a band to front or a show to host. 

I never thought I could ever be a mom, but I am so glad I met Henry and changed my mind. Chooch is my best creation ever and I love him so much! ❤💖🐱

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Apr 242017
 

My brother Ryan asked Chooch to pick somewhere he’d like to go for a birthday dinner, and I was bracing myself for the inevitable Burger King (he likes their veggie burgers) or Denny’s, but he shocked me with his off-the-cuff response of “Tillie’s.” I thought he hated that place! When he was little, he used to whine loudly that it stunk in there and we’d be like, “THAT’S THE BEAUTIFUL STENCH OF HOMEMADE SPAGHETTI SAUCE, MORON.” But I guess his palate is finally starting to mature past the age of cereal and (faux) chicken nuggets.

Before we left, I made him pose for some pre-11 birthday photos, because the glory days of 10 are waning quickly and I NEVER WANT TO FORGET HIS PRECIOUS DECADE-OLD CHEEKS.

These birthdays slaughter me, you guys. Being a mom hurts. WHERE DID MY BABY GO.

(Be prepared for a landslide of gratuitous throwbacks tomorrow on his actual birthday. Sorry in advance.)

*finger hearts*

I let him wear my G-Dragon pin because I guess I love him.

We picked up Judy on the way, and she proceeded to jut a finger at every vacant lot we drove past en route to McKeesport, informing us of whatever dance halls, bars, and diners used to be there, and how her ex-husband used to sing at some lounge that had since burnt down, which caused Henry to have lots of questions.

Not of the fire, but of the singing, I guess.

“There used to be a place I went to on the river down there,” Judy mused, staring out the passenger window as we crossed over a small bridge into McKeesport.

“The Palisades,” Henry said, causing Judy to laugh uproariously for some unknown reason and shout, “No! It was down on the river!”

“Yeah, the Palisades!” Henry argued, and Judy was nearly crying at this point, she was laughing so hard, and we had no idea why. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO JUDY AT THE PALISADES?!

“I forget how to do it,” said my gifted child as he handed his beaten bread across the table for Henry to finish buttering.

Dinner was so great, as usual.

“I haven’t been here in about 30 years,” my mom said at one point, inspiring me to say that I had never heard of it until my friend Heather took me there for my 19th birthday.

“I’m surprised Pappap never came here,” I said.

“No, he did,” my mom said, telling me the name of the friend he used to frequent the place with.

“Wow, your Pappap actually didn’t take you somewhere,” Henry chided. Fuck off, Henry.

Meanwhile, Chooch regaled the table with his tragic toothpick story, which made Ryan remember the time he drove one of his 80-wheeled remote control cars into my hair when I was laying on the floor (probably daydreaming of rollerskating on clouds with the Care Bears).

I don’t know how Chooch managed to eat any of his spaghetti in between gulping for air during his non-stop monologue. That kid could have a future in MCing variety shows in Korea. HE ALWAYS HAS SHIT TO SAY. ALWAYS.

Unless there is a pretty girl nearby.

I tried to get Henry to stop my brother from picking up the tab.

“Ryan’s our dongsaeng, and in Korea, dongsaengs would never be expected to pay for a meal!” I explained.

“Well, this isn’t Korea,” Henry sighed, while my mom rolled her eyes and Ryan shrugged it off as Erin being Erin.

Later on, we got some obligatory ice cream at Handel’s and managed to make it through an entire evening without arguing!

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Apr 232017
 

Well, I guess we’re due for another bullet-point blog post. I’ve thrown in some cat pictures too because I know how to keep my reader(s) happy….?

  • I’m not really into podcasts simply because my attention span is no bueno. I know a lot of people who can listen to them at work but I can’t even listen to music at work because I’m already just so-so at my job and I’m one of those people who can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, so….Anyway my point is that in order to listen to a podcast, I have to be not doing anything else. But I really wanted to listen to S-Town because I was a fan of Serial. I had to actually sit still for approx. 7 hours over the last week in order to take this all in, but it was worth it. I know a lot of people were disappointed with the way in panned out, but I thought it was captivating and although it left me absolutely panicked about the passing of time, I thought it was an incredibly engaging narrative and would recommend it. But if you hate it, I didn’t make it, so…

  • Chooch is too cool for selfies with mommy now I guess. We had a fight Saturday morning because he said I don’t have any friends and when I defensively whined that I have a lot of friends (a lie), he smugly retorted, “Yeah but now most of them are mine.” UGH it’s true though.  It’s his goddamn Charles Manson charisma.

  • When Chooch tried to make galaxy cupcakes and then realized the actual icing part was going to take effort so he said fuck it.

  • Our porch is so great for relaxing, and it has also provided me with a new opportunity to try my hand at parenting succulents again. For some reason, the cats don’t seem to bother my plants on the back porch (KNOCK ON WOOD) so I’ve been slowly trying to built my plant fam back up. We’ll see how long it lasts.

  • I brought in pineapple and lotus root for my work snack last week and it caused a commotion.  Not really, but todd came over to ask me a question and then said, “OK, what is that?” So I told him (he mumbled “of course it is”) and then Lauren came over because she wanted to see and then we talked about lotus root for maybe fifteen minutes. That was fun.

  • Speaking of lotus root, we got another great haul at the Asian market today. Above, please notice the photo of Henry plucking mysterious roots from a bin. “I don’t know what these are but I always see people buying them.” WE ARE FOLLOWERS. Anyway, the super jovial woman who checked us out asked if we knew what they we were and we sheepishly shook our heads. “Baby taro! Steam them, so good!” So guess what Henry’s doing tonight?! Also, I love taro so what a serendipitous Asian grocery experience. I also got some more savory snacks for work and I was able to read a bunch of Korean noodle packages so I’m FLYING HIGH ON THIS APRIL SUNDAY.
  • The Riot Fest lineup was announced last week. I’ve had my ticket since December so I wasn’t caught up in the flurry to buy tickets but I have to say, I feel kind of underwhelmed about it this year. The main bands are legit, but I’m usually so stoked for the lower-tiered bands as well and there just aren’t that many stoking my fire. BUT – Kara is going with us this time so THAT is what I’m most excited about!
  • I must really be caught on the Hallyu Wave because while everyone else is fanning themselves over the Riot Fest lineup, I’m over here watching vlogs of past KCONs, desperate to snag tickets when they go on sale next month. This world is so different from what I’m used to. I WANT TO SCORE A HI-TOUCH OPPORTUNITY FOR TWICE AND/OR CNBLUE, ahhhhhhhhh.  TT.TT

  • The only thing keeping me from crying 24:7 over the Orange Embarrasment is all the clever memes and signs I see everyday. This Pink Floyd one is the best. LOOK AT THE TINY HANDS. Henry doesn’t like this though because he thinks it’s insulting to Pink Floyd.
  • Chooch just stumbled across some of my old email addresses and is flipping out. “PoopAndPee?! Really?! You are literally so immature!” These were just my Comcast email addresses – if he ever sees the 50+ gmail addresses I’ve enmassed he’s going to put himself up for adoption. Or maybe just be full of pride.

  • I’ve been trying not to be all HI GUYS WELCOME TO MY WEIGHTLOSS JOURNEY but I today I put on this shirt that I bought when Janna and I went to see the Corpse Flower bloom at Phipps in 2013 and I accidentally bought a youth medium commemorative shirt. I was so sad when I got home and realized my mistake so I punched it into the back of my dresser and moved on with life. Today I tried it on and it fit! THANK YOU KPOPX, K-KARDIO, and MY OFF-THE-CUFF KOREAN FOOD DIET. This is the greatest I’ve felt since I was probably 20, i.e. before I started dating Henry and he turned me into a fat lard to keep me from leaving him. J/k. It was my fault (see: depression, low self worth, poor relationship with food). I’m a huge advocate for dancing to Kpop for weight loss. Come talk to me about it!

  • Ugh, yesterday Henry and I were strolling around Brookline when I picked up a rushed can of beer off the street, not only because it was Earth Day, but because FUCK LITTER every day*. Anyway, I forgot that the nearest garbage can was two blocks away so I got stuck clutching this gross can with the tips of two fingers, trying to hide it behind my back so it didn’t like I was a typical Yinzer, day-drinking on the sidewalks of Brookline. Some of it dripped on my foot and I wanted to cry, but I did this for YOU, Mother Earth.
    • Also, let it be known that before I picked it up, Henry kicked it and kept walking.
    • *When I was 13, we had a French foreign exchange student staying with us. His name was Laurent and he was 15 at the time. One day over the summer, we were going to the zoo, and he put down the passenger window in order to throw out his McDonald’s straw wrapper. From the backseat, I grabbed him by the back of the shirt and said, “I don’t know what you guys do in FRANCE, but we don’t litter in AMERICA.” (What a lie” our country is jam-packed with garbage, and it comes in people-form too.) But yeah, don’t fuck with the Overseer of Clean Streets.

  • The other day at work, I was lamenting about how I’ve never seen a ghost. “Don’t you think it’s weird that I’ve never been haunted?” I asked out loud, to everyone and no one in particular. “That’s because you’re on the haunting end,” Glenn muttered, and I will accept that as a compliment, thanks Glenn.
  • Lately, I have been trying to use Hangul hashtags so that I can make more friends on Instagram from Korea, because I have found that trying to translate Instagram captions has been a helpful supplement to my Talk to Me in Korean lessons, which are hard. But! Knowing how to read Hangul is half the battle and I get so excited when we’re watching things on Drama Fever and I recognize words. I mean, I’m not that good at English so even if I can get to the point where I can say, “I know Korean but I’m not good,” I’ll be, well, good.
  • Chooch will be 11 on Tuesday and I’m so sad. He’s more than halfway to out of the house, and lately he’s been showing an interest in CMU so I’m already panicking about that, like please get yourself a scholarship, boy.

I’ll end with a picture of Drew in a basket. Later this week, please look forward to a post about Chooch’s birthday dinner and more Lunchbreak Tales. Possibly an office candy review, as well. I know. How will you sleep tonight.

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Apr 222017
 

I had my eye on a beautiful G-Dragon enamel pin on Etsy for the last several months. If there is one thing about me that usually surprises people, it’s that I am a SUPER GUILTY shopper. I can’t tell you how many times I add things to the cart then X out of the page because I’ve either determined I don’t really need it, or I don’t feel like reaching for my credit card, or I’ve just flat out already lost interest, or I found something for Chooch instead. #SELFLESS (lol not really.)

I know – this doesn’t fit into my spoiled brat personality profile, right?! 

But something made me check on that pin the other day and I said “YOU KNOW WHAT? 에라 모르겠다 I’m treating myself.” And guess what?! I BOUGHT THE VERY LAST ONE because the Etsy shop is retiring their Kpop line, so I went back and snatched up TOP for Chooch as well. 



I just love it so much!! And then I realized I was wearing my GD pin with my DGD (Dance Gavin Dance) pin and my head exploded. 

I wore GD to work yesterday and while Lauren thought it was adorable, Glenn and Todd were like, “Good lord.” And then Nate saw it in passing and said the way the light was hitting it, it looked like George  Washington and he just figured that “G-Dragon” was what I was calling George Washington these days. 

I mean, he had a valid assumption. You never know with me. 

“I scored the last one!” I cried, breathless with joy. 

“Are you sure it’s not the ONLY one?” Glenn deadpanned. Such a hater. 

Anyway, I’m telling you all of this because my pin arrived just in time for this new IU jam featuring G-Dragon! I LOVE IT. I would love it more if his beautiful perfect angel face was in the video too BUT I’LL LIVE, I GUESS. (That’s what Henry told me anyway.)

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