Aug 182017

Today is Kwon Jiyong’s birthday (technically, it was yesterday since it’s already the 19th now in Seoul). I declared yesterday that I would buy a cake in his honor today, and it worked out perfectly since I’m working from home and also late shift, because that meant I could walk to Potomac Bakery and then decorate the damn thing on my break. 

(Chooch declined my invitation but I dragged his dumb ass with me anyway, in a veritable monsoon. We got hardcore splashed by a truck on the way there and it was so humiliating but we preservered. ITS THE LIBERAL WAY!)

Chooch and I carefully, and after much deliberation, settled on a mildly festive cake with enough black space on the white frosting to allow me to stick my decorations in it. 

“Do you want it to say anything?” the lady at the bakery asked. Here is where I either day too little or too much, never just enough. On this day, I went with TOO MUCH. 

“Well…” I hesitated, wondering if they would scrawl Happy Birthday in Hangeul for me. “Ok so this is weird but this cake is actually for our favorite Kpop singer—-”

Ours?” Chooch screeched in a “don’t bring me into this!” tone. 

“What?! You like him too!” I cried defensively, and then noticed the lady was totally confused and still waiting for an answer. “Oh, so I wanted it to say happy birthday in Korean, but I figured I would just do that myself—”

“Do you have your own icing? Because I can’t give you any,” she said, completely and utterly shutting down any further explanation about my deviant Korean cake decorating. 

I quietly said yes and then started to say I was just going to print stuff out and stick them in the cake but any fucks she had left to give had practically clawed their way into her ass to escape any more of my crazy cake talk. 

I came home and yelled at the computer for an hour because I couldn’t find a good Hangeul font to download for Photoshop and then I found one but all the actions are in Korean so I was just blindly clicking things and now I probably have a Kim Jung Un missile virus ugh. 


A few hours later, I realized that I should have bought a G and a D letter candles for the cake. I told Henry this just as he was leaving work and he was all WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE TOLD ME THIS EARLIER WHEN I WAS AT TWO PARTY CITY STORES?! (And that was completely unrelated to G-Dragon’s birthday. Don’t you know that I’m tacky AF and get my regular home decor from party stores?)

So he said he’d stop at Pat Catan’s and then I texted, “ooh see if they have Korean balloons too.”

Odds are in favor of us not speaking by the time we cut this cake. Especially after I referred to G-Dragon as my king and Henry whispered “oh my god.”

On the upside I can sing Happy Birthday in Korean now! (Well, the short version. There’s also some long-ass version that’s like the length of an actual song and my memory can’t handle that today.)


It’s 7:30. I’m still working. Henry printed out my cake decorations, and I have my GD crown adorning my warped pate. 


Every time I open the door to look for her, passersby do a double take and then I remember that my crown flashes valiantly. 

It’s now 8:00 and Janna still isn’t here. I have the cake all decorated and I told Henry that we don’t have to wait for Janna. 

“She’s basically just coming for cake, so we can start without her. She doesn’t have to be here for the actual ceremony.”

“She’s so lucky,” Henry just mumbled. 


OK! Janna got here so after I was done working, the celebrations got underway! I made Chooch invite his friend Jaden so it looked more like a party. Jaden seemed extremely confused and not amused. 


The candles were melting so quickly that we didn’t even have a chance to sing Happy Birthday in Korean after I PRACTICED ALL FREAKING DAY. 

Happy birthday, my King. I hope you had the most amazing 30th birthday of all time. <3

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