Today is mild, the sun is out, and I am hard-pressed to find anything to complain about. Even though historically, some really bad things have happened in my life during March, I still love this month so much because with it comes the PROMISE OF SPRING. It’s not what I would consider “warm” outside today, but still, when Chooch and I walked to Muddy Cup for some afternoon beverages, I didn’t wear a coat and it was positively FREEING.

Then later on when I was in the car alone, I put on Pierce the Veil just to see how it would make me feel–I discovered them around this same time way back in 2007 on a drive to visit Ex-BFF in Cinci, so this is always The Post-Hardcore Season for me–and I was surprised at just how emotional I became as the very first note dropped. It made me feel super nostalgic (I haven’t listened to any of that old Warped Tour in about two years) but in a really good way, especially with the sun shining and the windows down….I felt like…me. Sometimes I lose myself a little, get buried beneath all the depression and anxiety, but Springtime Erin is always the Best Erin and I am so ready to shake off this winter sadness, bury all the heavy coats and scarves and snow boots, open all the goddamn windows, MAYBE BUY SOME NEW PLANTS!? There is a new botanical joint in Shadyside that I want to check out.

(Sorry, Henry.)

I know that there are some winter stans out there, but I think for the rest of us normal people, the seasonally-affected types, winter was made as a test of wills for us, something that we need to trudge through to ensure we will appreciate even the rainiest of spring nights and slice-the-humidity-with-a-knife summer afternoons.

For me, March is the light at the end of the tunnel and I will forever associate it with hope and relief.

And, Piece the Veil, evidently.

Be still my little post-hardcore heart.

Remember last week when I was like “blah blah blah I miss roller skating” and being my general whiny self about it? Well, I listened to the signs of the universe and persuaded Henry into revisiting Neville Roller Dome on Sunday!

Aaaaaaand I immediately remembered why we stopped going there: annoying people and a lame DJ, plus jerky owners. But, what can you do when it’s 2019 and rollerskating hasn’t been popular in like three decades? You learn to appreciate what you’re given, that’s what!

So even though there were four different birthday parties that day for bitchy teenage girls and Sunday skate is reserved for Radio Disney and CHRISTIAN CONTEMPORARY, I wiped off my resting bitch face and skated with a goddamn smile.

I learned that all of these newfangled current female singers sound exactly the same, like they’re trying to manipulate their voices to sound like its being dragged though a cheese grater, and it’s just not great, you guys. Not great at all.

And then the DJ announced the first birthday girl’s song which sounded weird and like something an old lady would request.

“What the fuck song is this???” I cried over the vibrato to Chooch.

“Seriously?? It’s Let It Go!” he said incredulously, looking at me like I just woke up from a coma.

Then the chorus came on and I said, “Ooooh, ok. I hear it now. Yeah.”

So apparently, I’ve made it this far in life without ever hearing anything other than the chorus of the dumb bitch song.

And then I immediately skated off the rink and joined Henry on a bench.

“I can’t skate to this song,” I said. And then when Sarah, the Let It Go birthday girl, paraded her hoochie-in-training girlfriends past us en route to the snack room for cake, I loudly said to Henry, “She has awful taste in music, wow!

”

But then apparently when Henry and Chooch were in the snack room later, Sarah’s mom offered Chooch just cake (he said no because he knew Jillian Michaels wouldn’t approve) so Chooch said that Sarah is cool but we can still hate her friends and I was OK with that because her one friend in a marigold sweater had the smuggest face ever and…ugh. Just ugh.

Henry doesn’t skate anymore, ever since getting his foot run over by a pallet jack, lol. So he just sat on the bench the whole time and looked at boring Old People crap on his phone. I would join him every once in a while, usually when a song came on that I couldn’t get behind, such as WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

A big NO THANK YOU to that one.

I was pouting about how shitty the music selection was when Britney Spears’ Hold It Against Me cued up and I almost fell on my face in my mad scramble onto the rink. Now THAT is golden skate jam.

When we used to go to this rink religiously, back when it had different owners and ROLLER DJ was on deck, there was this one kid on roller blades who would request the Pokémon theme song every single Sunday and at first I thought it was so dumb but after a while, I was power-fisting around the rink like I was catchin’ em all. I miss that kid and I miss those days.

Meanwhile, the next birthday girl had her song played and it was AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck”?! Not what I was expecting.

Look, I know that not everyone is going to come out to the roller dome and skate like a motherfucking dream like me because the world isn’t perfect, but it’s hard to enjoy yourself when you’re playing slalom with all the little kids using skating walkers (those things are a HAZARD and should not be allowed!) or worrying that one of the older, but just as talentless, kids is going to bite it and take you down with them. I miss the days of Soul Skate! That was when some local urban skate crew would rent out the whole rink one Sunday night a month for an adult-only skate session full of real skate jams and the kinds of people who could actually dance on wheels.

I really want to continue skating, even if it’s not as regularly as we used to, but it’s not as fun now that Henry can’t skate and none of my friends ever want to go anymore, and I really don’t like that rink anymore but it’s the closest one, ugh #firstworldskatingprobs.

There is another rink in Charleroi that we went to several times and I loved everything about it except that I felt Goldilocks with the skate rental! Their skates are obnoxiously shitty and I actually threw a huge tantrum last time we there and demanded a refund even though Henry begged me not to and shirked away to hide in the car. BUT I WAS VICTORIOUS IN THE END! Anyway, Henry won’t go back to that one because of that time, but it was like 6 years ago so I think we’re safe.

Calvin came over to play last night and made Grandpa Hanky (??? I guess I just accidentally gave Henry his new halabeoji nickname) wear this unicorn headband that Chooch bought for himself at last year’s Santa Shop at school.

Immediately, it made me think of one of my favoritest, bestest photos of my pappap and me, which I actually had just dig up last week after finding this tattoo artist in Hongdae who does these really cool line sketches of family portraits, etc.

I just really like the idea of having that picture translated into simple lines.

Pappaps are the best. Now I’m depressed. Also exhausted because Chooch and I just finished workout #9 and now Chooch is in awe because he never knew I could do rockstar squats like a fucking beast. *blows on fingertips*

P.S. Calvin calls our cats “meow meows” and doesn’t understand why they run from him but it’s hilarious because they only stay hidden for a few minutes before creeping back out to observe him from afar. They’re confused/terrified of him but also extremely interested.

Sometimes I just feel like sharing old stories up in this piece and, well, I can because I’m the Queen Bitch of this Domain. Tonight, I chose this one from 2011 (2011!!) because Chooch was so little and angelic-looking back then plus it really illustrates how much respect we have for Henry in this household.

Also, getting locked out of the house is kind of just what we do around here.

ENJOYYYY.
***********

Goddammit, all I wanted to do was go for a nice, leisurely family stroll around our crappy town, but dum-dum Henry left the keys in the house and started flipping out about how it was my fault because I rushed him out of the house.

I was like, “Why can’t we just go for a walk and worry about this later?” which apparently was not a Great Idea based on the look of utter incredulity Henry flashed at me.

Chooch and I carried on like cackling assholes while Henry tore apart the garage for suitable items to MacGyver a battering ram. I mean, I guess if he hot-glued together all of his old porn VHS tapes from the SERVICE, he might have something to go on.

He ignored my suggestions of calling the landlord or heaving a cinder block through the window and instead considered using a can of gasoline to burn down the front door.

I’m surprised he didn’t go next door to ask Hot Naybor Chris for a breaking and entering consultation, considering those two once helped the gas man break into our neighbor’s house in order to shut off his gas before our house exploded.

Yeah, this has promise.

“What? I coulda done it. If only I had remembered to eat my individually-wrapped prunes today.”

“NOW I HAVE HEDGECLIPPERS! THESE WILL HELP! I WILL MANICURE THE WEEDS INTO SILHOUETTES OF MY REPUBLICAN HEROES WHILE STARING LONGINGLY INTO OUR FRONT WINDOW.”

These are some of the things Henry said while Chooch and I buzzed around him like flies on a bear:

• THAT’S ENOUGH!
• YOU’RE A LOT OF FUCKING HELP.
• GO SOMEWHERE AND PLAY!
• THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT. I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO GO FOR A WALK!
• FML FML FML FML FML
• YEAH, THIS IS REAL FUCKING FUNNY.
• AND I JUST KNOW I’M MISSING “SHE’S CRAFTY.” MOTHER!
• YOU ASSHOLES CAN JUST STAY OUT HERE! I’LL FUCKING WALK TO WORK. AT LEAST I HAVE THOSE KEYS.

Oh God, Chooch. DON’T POKE THE BEAR!

…or KICK the bear. Henry almost gave Chooch “orphan” status after this.

Meanwhile, I found this fucker in the garage. WTF kind of creepshow is this!? I wish I had had it for my Murder Desk at work.

I was trying to chronicle this episode from all angles, which did not please the man one bit. He made like he was going to grab my phone off me and beat me with it, enlightening me on what it must be like to work for TMZ.

After fifteen minutes, Henry succeeded in prying open the window with a pair of pliers. Now you know how to break into my house and steal our cats. Seriously, it’s all we’ve got in there. Cats galore.

Just don’t forget to bring a small child to catapult through the window. (I mean, at least he’s going IN a window and not falling OUT of a window, right?)

You know that fucker is going to go to school tomorrow and tell his teacher about how his burglar parents made him shimmy up the side of a skyscraper.

Moments later, the house keys came whaling through the window straight at Henry’s face. Chooch rules.

“ENOUGH ALREADY.”

Reassembling the window.

And he did it all so he could go on a walk he did not want to go on in the first place. In this picture, I think he’s texting his boss: OMG I IS A HEROE. I NEED DAY OFF.

The only notable thing about this last weekend is that it was the last one of February! It really feels like we’re nearing winter’s finish line! ANY FUCKING DAY NOW.

I thought that we were supposed to have nice weather that weekend but I must have been looking at some other city’s weather forecast because I think it rained all day on Saturday? Why can’t I remember?! All I know is that Henry and I went for a walk to the post office and to whatever that cafe is on Brookline Blvd so I could buy a bag of what Henry thinks is overpriced coffee but hello it’s La Prima which is one of the best coffees in this shit city and it is what I like so until you start drinking coffee, shut your furry fucking mouth, Henrik the Dick.

(I’m so creative with my name-calling.)

Yeah I think most of Saturday was spent exercising, going on dreary walks, and watching K-dramas. Although that night, I wanted to watch a horror movie and, on recommendation of one of my favorite pin makers, I chose Digging Up the Marrow.

Look, I can find redeeming qualities in almost any horror movie because that is my favorite genre, and this movie did have its moments but I was pretty disappointed. There were so many loose ends! I kept asking Henry rhetorical questions two days later and he was just like, “Hold on, let me look at the script I wrote for this movie 5 years ago and see if I put the answers in there.”

Then came Sunday:

Chooch went to piano lessons. Bye Chooch. I stayed home and can’t remember what I did. I think I exercised and watched videos of NCT speaking different languages.

Janna came over that afternoon because we had coffee plans and ultimately decided to go to Orbis in Mt. Lebanon. The weather was super weird on Sunday and kept getting worse, but I swear when I whined about wanting to walk there, it wasn’t that bad yet.

Ok, it was pretty bad. It was starting to rain a little but the wind, oh Lord THE WIND. It was the kind of wind you’d imagine rushing out of the gates of Hell. We were only a block away and could have, should have, turned around to get the car, but I was like IT IS NOT THAT BAD. IT JUST FEELS BAD RIGHT NOW BC WE ARE WALKING UPHILL. I mean, we were bent over and walking headfirst into major barometric resistance.

(Lol I don’t know what barometric means.)

We probably looked like dumbasses to everyone driving past us, I mean NO ONE in their right mind was on foot in that wind-storm.

It got so bad when we were about halfway there that we had to duck inside the doorway of Erik’s Lighting because trees and store signs were swaying with a vengeance.

I had all these awful, catastrophic scenarios flying through my mind, like what if the wind gained micro-burst strength and tossed us into the air and we landed in the dreaded river on top of a dead body and rusty barge parts. Or if the Cain’s Saloon sign, which was dangerously swinging to and fro, snapped and flew straight into Janna, decapitating her crudely. And then her mom would slam me into a wall at the funeral home and wail, “WHY DID YOU MAKE HER WALK TO THAT FUCKING COFFEE SHOP I NEVER LIKED YOU AND ALWAYS TOLD JAN TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE YOURE TROU-HHAHAHAHAHAH-BLE!!!!!” And then I would show her the fake Kakao text log that I would have previously fabricated in secret under a blanket in my bed that showed me saying, “Hey, there’s a hint of decapitation in the air, let’s take my car to the cafe” and Janna is all, “No, I would prefer to walk. Don’t worry, if anything happens to me, it is totally, 100% my own fault and you shan’t be held accountable” because shan’t is a word Janna would probably use.

AND THEN IT STARTED TO HAIL!

Oh hahaha! What a miserable walk just for a cupping fuck of coffee.

YES.

CUPPING FUCK.

Also, the temperature was allegedly 45 degrees when we left so I didn’t wear a hat but by this point my ears felt like they were being repeatedly punched by a paragliding kangaroo. It was painful. And my hands were red and frozen because, you guessed it! No gloves.

I think I’m an adult?

Janna looked like her spirit had actually been blown out of her body, she was expressionless and barely talking to me.

“Hey, you wanted to hang out,” I reminded her.

My favorite part is when we finally got to the block that Orbis lives on but I forgot how far down it actually was and started internally panicking because I thought IT WASNT THERE ANYMORE. But then I saw the sign and felt relief until I realized I DIDNT CHECK TO SEE WHAT TIME THEY CLOSED. Some cafes close at 2 on Sundays! But thank god, it was open for another hour.

One of the baristas asked us what it was like out there and I blurted out WELL WE STUPIDLY WALKED HERE FROM BROOKLINE AND IT WAS PRETTY TERRIBLE and Janna was still trying to repair her broken spirit with a piece of chewing gum and some coffee stirrers so she didn’t say much.

She did however check a map to see how far we walked and I was like, “Oh it was only 1.6 miles!” Except add in a weird baby-tornado and face-smacking hail. That kind of makes a difference I guess.

But our drinks were warm and good and we treated ourselves to sugar-carbs, plus Henry came to pick us up because, yeah. We weren’t tryna round-trip that brutality.

Back at my house, Chooch and I forced Janna to watch rollercoaster POVs and Kpop stuff and then Chooch taught her what pansexual and gender fluid means because middle school kids know it all, however, I was offended that she didn’t remember pansexuality from when I wrote a post in my fake LiveJournal I ghost-wrote for her (pelvic_exam, lol) called Janna’s Pansexual Thanksgiving.

Ugh, oh well. That was my weekend.

Last week, one of my co-workers called out from her office, “So Erin, which date are you going to?”

I paused. “Oh, Lol—you mean for BTS?”

She said yes and I shook my head. “None. I just saw them in September and there’s a rumor that another group I like better is going to come to the US!”

She seemed shocked when I said that BTS isn’t really in my top 5, even (but don’t get me wrong, I do like them a lot!).

I explained that there are so many other groups out there that it’s impossible for me to put all my k-eggs in one kimchi pot, and she asked why it is that only BTS has really made it big in America.

I just shrugged. “I think America can only handle one Korean group right now,” and Regina just cracked up because it’s fucking true! America needs spoon fed! Foreign things are scary and weird, ew what are they saying, gross!

?

Honestly, I think in addition to their talent, it’s also timing, luck, and the fact that they have a literally army of dedicated fans who know how to aggressively work social media. But….it doesn’t mean that they’re the best ones out there and people should really do some exploring into the genre because it’s fascinating and full of gems!

Then tonight my friend Veronica sent me a message on IG – NCT127 formally announced their tour!

I AM SO STOKED! I mean, assuming that I can get a ticket.

My wallet has fucking crumbs in it at this point but I’ll find a way.

So today was RULL awesome! I got to work bright and early, actually nearly 30 minutes early, and I was just casually hanging out at Margie’s desk, talking about acorns and snakes (????), holding my coffee supplies in my hands, when suddenly, Lauren came bursting onto the scene.

At first I was like, “oh yay, there’s Lauren! Hi Laur—” and then that quickly morphed into a, “WAIT WHY ARE YOU HERE I THOUGHT YOU WERE LATE SHIFT?!”

She was just like, “Nope, not me” and then Glenn piped up from his desk, “Roll Call says “Erin late shift, working from home’.”

FALALALAFUCK!!

I was so pissed that I wasted a whole morning waking up early, getting ready for work, begging Henry to drive me to work, when I could have been chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool in a messy bun in my living room.

Goddammit!!!!!

“Welp, byeeeee!” I cried to everyone and Lauren was like, “you don’t wanna stay and hang out??” NOPE! Not wasting a precious “work from home” day!

So I grabbed my purse and ran out to catch the trolley. Luckily, Chooch had a two-hour delay today so I called him in a panted and cried, “DO NOT LOCK THE DOOR WHEN YOU LEAVE! I AM COMING HOME!” because if you’re a card-carrying member of the OhHonestlyErin frequent reader club, or work with me and have to hear me whine, you know that I do not have my original house key and I cannot use Henry’s or Chooch’s house keys because they were cut stupidly and I always cut my hand when I try to wrench it into the lock.

Ughhhhh.

So then I got home and instead of relaxing for the 90 minutes I had left before I had to start working, it occurred to me that I should probably do a test run because we recently had an upgrade at work and I wanted to make sure I could connect.

I COULD NOT CONNECT. So I had to spend 30 of my 90 free minutes on the phone with the HELP DESK UGH and they gave me a work-around which was fine but my Outlook was missing all the shared inboxes I use daily and I was like HELLO I NEED THESE but then the help desk wasn’t answering me so I had to work on some weird generic work desktop, using only ONE SCREEN (the horror!!) and eventually I was resigned to the fact that I was probably going to have to just hop back on the trolley and work my late shift from the office (and my co-workers *cough*Glenn&Todd*throat clear* would never let me live that one down) when finally my help desk hero came through and called me with a BETTER SOLUTION that enabled me to connect to my actual desktop and holyyyyyyy shit this blog post is so boring.

The moral of this story though is ALWAYS REMEMBER TO SET AN ALERT WHEN YOU ADD SHIT TO YOUR PHONE CALENDAR. I had “late shift” in my phone for today but A LOT OF GOOD THAT DID with no alert set.

Other than that, great Monday! No complaints!

My life lately has been consuming every piece of footage I can find on YouTube during Taemin’s “Want” comeback cycle, scream-singing jingles to the cats about my every movement, and having stress dreams about work. So basically, nothing to see here, haha.

Ha.

Ugh.

But I do have some pictures on my phone that I need to dump into this blog-commode, and of course those pictures come with words, apologies in advance. I’ll try to limit it to five things because that would be staying true to the title of this blog and keep me an honest woman.

(EVEN THOUGH HENRY NEVER MADE ME AN HONEST WOMAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.)

1. Bad Ice Cream

I know what you’re thinking, “Poppycock!” because you live inside a Dickens novel probably, but it’s true: we had a bad ice cream experience last Saturday and I’m still very sad about it. You know I love Millie’s. Everyone knows I love Millie’s. I have been singing their praises for years, ever since they opened a storefront, even though they replaced my then-favorite ice cream joint, Oh Yeah. I have been taking out-of-town friends to Millie’s, arranging “off-site work meetings-slash-team building” field trips to the Millie’s downtown, and basically I just pimp the fuck out of Millie’s like she’s a real life corner-stander in fishnets.

Chooch and I were RULL stoked to go to Millie’s on this particular day because they recently started a limited flavor series called Love Letters where they partner up with other local food businesses, like chocolatiers, honey makers, cheese….rs? You get what I’m saying. We both really had our hearts set on this one that was made with some dude’s fresh ricotta or whatever, mixed with almonds, and topped with an optional drizzle of Mike’s Hot Honey which hello, that’s the same honey I had on my pizza in NYC and it was THE BIZZ.  But once we got there, Chooch changed his mind and was going to get some chocolate hazelnut thing instead, which was also a Love Letter.

Right off the bat, I got BAD VIBES from the young girl working. She was surly. No personality. Seemed super rushed. First, I watched her be incredibly rude to the couple in front of us (young Asians, so you know I was on their side), sighing heavily as they asked for samples.

Then when it was our turn, Chooch tried to order that hazelnut thing and she cut him off with a curt, “We’re out of that.” WELL, PUT SOMETHING ON THE SIGN THEN, HON. So he instead got some orange floral flavor which I didn’t think he would like but he did, so at least one of us had a happy ending.

When it was my turn, I ordered the Owner of a Tony Heart or whatever it was called, and she very exasperatedly said, “Cup or cone” like bitch, lemme finish and you’d know. When she handed the cup to me, I said, “Can I also have the honey driz—-”

“We’re out of that,” she snapped, yet somehow retaining her no-personality blankness.

You guys.

I was super off-put by this. I have always had wonderful service at Millie’s so this came as somewhat of a shock to me, not like I’ve never had shitty service before, but you know.

But worst of all, when I started to eat my ice cream, IT DID NOT TASTE OF SWEET CHEESE AT ALL. It tasted plain! Like vanilla! So I of course pouted over this and Henry was like, “Please just take my ice cream” but at that point, I didn’t EVEN WANT ICE CREAM ANYMORE. Look, I don’t pig-out on ice cream very often anymore and I considered this to be a special treat since Chooch and I have been working out with Jillian so hard. I DIDN’T WANT TO WASTE THE CALORIES ON SOMETHING I DIDN’T TRULY WANT!

I realize that this is about as first world probz as it comes. I am a very self-aware peoples.

So first I complained about it on Twitter and my fellow ice-cream aficionado Chris of Chronica Fame immediately replied and we commiserated about my woes publicly for all to see. THEN I TOOK IT NEXT LEVEL and commented on the picture of the ricotta ice cream that Millie’s had recently posted and said, “Mine did not look like that and you were out of the honey *Sad face*”

Almost immediately, they DMd me! Through a congenial back-and-forth, we deduced that I likely did not get the right scoop and at this point I made sure to let the spokesperson know that the broad slinging that ‘cream was ambivalent at best and they were like OH NO PLZ DESCRIBE HER so that was awkward but I did it and they came back and said that she had actually been called in on her day off but they were not excusing her attitude and will have a talk with her ASAP so then I just felt guilty because we all have our bad days, and I hope that she is actually always like this because those types of people NEED TO BE TOLD ON.

And that’s what I’m here for. Tattletale till I die.

Oh yeah, so this was resolved by Millie’s offering me a free pint of any flavor I want and now I have to go back ASAP and try a REAL scoop of that ricotta stuff and thank god they have other locations now because I’ll probably never go back to the one in Shadyside ever again now that I NARC’d.

2. EATING WITH WORK FRIENDS

I have been pretty sheltered lately, not really on purpose but because I’m so distracted with my hobbies and whatever that I have been slacking at making plans. However! I had food plans two Saturdays in a row with friends and it was a nice shot of social stability.

Two Saturdays ago, I had breakfast at Pamela’s with Jeannie, Wendy, and Summer. We didn’t talk about work at all! It was really nice and tranquil until Jeannie started showing Summer (Wendy’s three-year-old daughter) pictures of her dog because we’re always vying for Summer’s attention. She was already unimpressed with my Everland popcorn purse so then I started showing her pictures of my cats to counteract Jeannie’s dog (ugh he’s cute though but I wanted my cats to win!). Then I pulled out the big guns and started showing her gifs of Taemin and Jinu. She gave me this bored look and was probably wondering how old I am.

(Side note: Then I went home and got a weird stomach bug which only lasted half the day so I’m not sure if it was my food or what. But yeah, that happened, and that’s also how I “accidentally” started watching You on Netflix which Glenn had mentioned that he and his wife were watching but when I saw that PENN BADGLEY is in it, I was interested. I was excited to tell Glenn on Monday that I was watching it and that DAN HUMPHREY from GOSSIP GIRL is in it.

“I didn’t watch that,” he mumbled.

So then I gave him a major spoiler and he mumbled, “Again, I really don’t care.” WOW.)

This last Saturday, BARB and I had lunch at Blue Flame! BARB sent her bacon back because it tasted like fish and this is still endlessly funny to me, so much that when Henry asked me later how Barb is doing, I said, “She sent back her bacon because it tasted like fish” and then I started cracking up.

I always learn the best little nuggets about Barb every time we hang out. This time, she was proud to tell me that she is not as obsessed with Tom Jones anymore (that actually made me sad!) and that when she was younger and traveling with her dad for hockey games, she and her friends would go to the front desk of the hotels and have “Mike Hunt” paged. LOLOLOLOL BARB IS THE BEST. I couldn’t wait to tell Chooch! He didn’t get it at first and just kept saying “Mike Hunt?” over and over which made it even funnier.

Penelope occasionally  wakes me up in the middle of the night because she is straight SCREAMING at this old, dirty yellow pompom that she either loves or hates, I can’t tell, and it is so annoying. I got more sleep when Chooch was an infant, I swear.

3. Stress-ships

I mentioned earlier in this post that I have been having stress dreams and I actually started to write a blog post about it the other night but then I was like THIS AIN’T NO DREAM JOURNAL, YO. However!! Janna had a stress dream about me and I wanted to share it because it’s basically the perfect analogy for our friendship, or, stress-ship.

So apparently in this dream, I had given Janna a thing of blueberries to hold for me but then she ate them and started to panic because I was going to come back for them so she started running around trying to find more blueberries but people kept snatching them from her hands and this made me LOL so much when she told me because that’s exactly the kind of friend I am – the kind that would get pissed and maybe even slap a person if they ate my blueberries.

And I don’t even like blueberries that much! But I would still be mad!

4. A LOT OF MICHAEL MCDONALD 

I naturally do this thing where I sing what I’m saying, which is something that Henry and Chooch love and cherish about me. Lately, after almost every infuriating convo with my aforementioned almost-teen, I walk away singing Michael McDonald’s “I Keep Forgetting” in my head except the lyrics are “I keep forgetting you fucking know everything. I keep forgetting my brain’ll never be as big as yours.”‬

IT MUST BE SO BURDENSOME KNOWING EVERYTHING.

Speaking of Michael McDonald!

Guys, you remember a few weeks ago when we were driving home from Toronto and I heard that old 80s jam “Yah Mo Be There” by James Ingram? Well, that song also features Michael McDonald and when I was talking to Todd about it at work the next day, Glenn kept interrupting to say it was the Doobie Brothers and I was like, “No, it was Michael McDonald” and he again mumbled that it was the Doobie Brothers and I snapped, “NO IT WAS JUST ONE DOOBIE, GLENN! JUST THE ONE! MICHAEL MCDONALD!” Ugh, goddammit.

Anyway, THE VERY NEXT DAY JAMES INGRAM DIED. We were all stunned. It was like the time I unfriended someone on Facebook and then he died. Glenn even said he had goosebumps.

OK, that part wasn’t about Michael McDonald, but it was kind of related.

This also just brought back a memory of when I started dating my ex-boyfriend Jeff. He told me that everyone thought his step-dad looked like Michael McDonald.

“Eh, never mind. You probably don’t know who that is,” he said, not yet knowing that he was dating THE YACHT ROCK QUEEN.

When I eventually met his stepdad, I was like, “Holy shit, he does look like Michael McDonald!” It was uncanny, really. You had to be there.

5. FESTERING FEELINGS ABOUT CERAMICS

Hey guys, I’m about to throw it back here for you. When I was in 4th or 5th grade, my mom and I decided to taken ceramics classes together and if we’re being honest here I’m pretty sure it was my idea. We started going to this place called KIRSTING CERAMICS which was run by a husband and wife in their basement which I know sounds like the premise of a student horror film (THE KILN) and everything was great at first, we painted and kiln’d lots of pumpkins and turkeys for the fall, but then my mom started MAKING FRIENDS there and IGNORING ME and Kathy’s husband was a fucking dickstick who was always acting like I shouldn’t be there when their dumb adopted daughter ran amok like a bull in a…ceramics shop BUT NO ONE EVER SAID SHIT ABOUT THAT.

Eventually, my mom started going without me and I know it was just like her escape from my stepdad or whatever, but I was super butt-hurt about it and reasoned that it was probably just because she was jealous that I was so much better at ceramics than her. Lol.

I don’t remember how long ago this was but those ceramic assholes eventually sold their house and now it’s State Farm Insurance.

“That’s actually where my mom was the night my dad THREW A FORK AT MY HAND ON ST PATRICK’S DAY!” I cried to Henry last week after we drove past the old Kirsting house and I subconsciously memory-purged this whole chapter of my life.

“WOW I GUESS I AM STILL MAD ABOUT THIS,” I yelled, and Henry was just like, “Wow, ya think.”

***************

The only way to officially end this post is with a Taemin outro, sorry. “Artistic Groove”‘ is the “b-side” he’s been also performing on all the music shows and at first it didn’t stop my heart or anything but it’s had a slow burn on me over the week and now I think I might like it more than “Want” – especially toward the end when he starts doing these things with his voice that remind me of my favorite Sophie B. Hawkins song (“Don’t Stop Swaying,” OBVI) and it is like warm nostalgia-syrup is being poured on my dumb pancake face.

I don’t know what that means exactly but it all starts around the 2:54 mark, and specifically at 3:07 he sounds like a goddamn angel and I want to punch Henry in the face for not being able to pull off wearing a white ruffled blouse.

…no really, I’m asking YOU.

So, we found ourselves in Newark, NJ again for the third time in just over half a year. That’s a lotta Newark, you guys. It’s easy for me to sit here and be like, “Boo hoo, Newark sucks”  but I realized that’s not very fair. Just because they not have a bustling tourism scene, Roadside America has little to mention about it, and YouTube isn’t overflowing with “Things to do in Newark” videos, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a shit-city, so if you know any hidden gems, please let me know because I’m sure we will end up there again sometime this year since that’s where all the Kpop artists want to perform.

(I will say that their street art is pretty fire, especially when compared to Pittsburgh’s bleak urban artscape. Step it up, P-burgh. We have the goddamn Warhol Museum here for shit’s sake, make Andy proud!)

But for this particular trip, we really only had enough time to grab a meal, so we ended up in nearby Jersey City, which is a place I wouldn’t mind spending more time when we’re not in a concert-rush, because it seems to be a pretty chill city. We went there specifically to eat at Pet Shop, a total hipster dive bar that also happens to have an extensive, full vegetarian/vegan menu. Henry walked into this experience with low expectations because he’s worse than me when it comes to pre-judging, but the vibe was super friendly here and we had an amazing waiter who was also the bartender and reminded me of someone famous but I’m out of the American loop so I can’t place it right now.

It’s called Pet Shop because it used to be a, you know, pet shop. Allegedly. THIS IS WHAT THAT BASTARD YELP SAYS. I’ve been stalking this place for quite some time though. I wanted to go there the last time we were in the area, last September, but it’s technically a bar so you can’t be lugging in your children after a certain time, you know? But this time we were there for a late lunch and it was perfect.

Oh for God’s sake, this menu. It was a tough choice, but I got the reuben, Chooch went with the Impossible Burger, and Henry predictably got the sausage and peppers sandwich – I stole a bite of his sausage (lol he wishes) and it was heavenly.

But my reuben was SPLENDID and I don’t think I’ve ever actually ever said that word out loud before unless I’m being sarcastic. The fries were wonderful too! I was worried because they were thick (that’s what Henry wishes she said) and typically the thick ones get on my nerves because of the inner-texture, but these were just a perfectly-crisp delight to behold.

We were at the SILENT TREATMENT portion of our road trip.

My reuben stuffed with housemade seitan! I love a good faux-meat sandwich.

Chooch loved his Impossible Burger too, and Henry just mumbled, “It was fine” when I asked for a sausage review. What a little bitch.

65% of the reason I wanted to go to this place was specifically to get a shitty picture under the neon birdcage. Two dumb girls were sitting under it, nursing their hipster drinks, from before we got there to literally right before we left. I think the one girl knew I wanted a picture because we kept making eye-contact and Henry was like, “I’m not sitting here any longer, just ask them to move” and I was like, “NO YOU” but then I went to the bathroom and when I came out, Chooch was sitting there and even brought my phone over with him so we could get it over with and leave.

But afterward, Chooch and I both wanted to take pictures of this cool monster ice cream mural we saw on the way into Jersey City, but after driving around in circles for a bit, Henry deduced that it was not accessible by car, but Chooch figured out which building it was on so Henry let us out of the car and we ran amok in some deserted, industrial part of town like two hooligans while a cop drove past.

We had to trample through a run-down loading dock to get to this mural but it was worth it.

Scary, but worth it.

You never know what you might stumble across in areas like this, even in broad daylight! DEAD BODIES DON’T CARE WHAT TIME OF DAY IT IS, OK.

He came so close to actually licking the wall and I almost puked.

Meanwhile, some guy was on the other side of a moving truck, working on a car, and I was so scared when I saw him, that I went running back to Chooch and then stepped on a piece of sheet metal which made a loud noise as it snapped back and Chooch hissed, “YOU’RE GOING TO GET US MURDERED” and then we ran back to the car, passing the cop on the way, and Henry was like, “WOULD YOU TWO ASSHOLES STOP ACTING SO SUSPICIOUS, THERE IS A COP OUT THERE” and of course Henry would know that, he probably bought him donuts! HE IS SO HOT FOR COPS.

Back in Newark, we checked into our hotel (TRYP by Wyndham, actually not a shit-hole/drug den, good job, Hank!) and ran around like dummies taking pictures because it was one of those try-hard boutique hotels where every single corner is Instagram-worthy. The guy at the front desk was totally scattered and spoke in such a bombastic, casual manner that I actually thought there was a hidden camera somewhere especially when he kept calling some hotel employee on the phone named Jazz and ended one of the calls with a quick “I love you” which made me crack up and then he started grilling Henry about football and if there’s one thing Henry LOVES it’s emasculating himself by admitting that he doesn’t watch football like all the other big strong men.

The whole check-in process was just weird and frenetic. I liked it.

Later that evening, Chooch and I were in the stairwell like creeps and heard the front desk guy yelling “fuck that shit!” to one of the other workers and we were like OOH DRAMA but he didn’t even flinch when we came barreling out of the door and into the lobby. That guy is really living life as his truest self.

And then we went for a walk around downtown Newark, which was completely underwhelming.

This shirt is mine as soon as Chooch grows out of it.

And then we went to see Red Velvet, which I will recount in mind-numbing detail for you another day.

But yeah, Newark. Not even Roadside America has any good tips for this place so if you know any townie secrets, please spill the tea! Even if it’s just a good place to get ice cream or a cool pawn shop to get shanked behind, I don’t care!

I didn’t live blog our drive to Newark yesterday because I’m L-Z, but I suppose today I will keep a running list of all the times Henry angers me because if today is anything like yesterday, it will be a pocketful of pissed off posies.

It’s 8:09am and we are heading out of Newark on a dreary, cold President’s Day. As if Newark wasn’t depressing enough on a hot summer day…

We were here just for the Red Velvet concert last night, and in a miraculous turn of events, Henry actually booked us a hotel downtown right across from where the concert was and the hotel was actually nice and moderately boutique-ish so I can’t even complain about anything! Now we’re on the hunt for a quick breakfast so I’m sure that will incite a riot inside this rental car at some point. I will be sure to keep you posted.

8:40am: We successfully found a place to eat (Prestige Diner which isn’t even a diner it’s a moderately-scaled restaurant) without bloodshed and then Henry’s stupid phone volume was on full blast and his GPS broad announced to the whole restaurant that his signal was lost and Chooch and I are so hateful.

Here’s super-cool badass Chooch in his faux-leather hooded jacket and Outsiders shirt, with a big glass of chocolate milk.

Ew wtf my pancakes came with something billed as “low-fat yogurt” and it was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I think it’s mixed with cream cheese??!! IT IS SO BAD! But Henry is sitting here picking at it and I wish he wouldn’t because now he’s going to give this establishment the false impression that they served me something edible. My lord, Henry will eat shit off a shoe, I fucking swear to Taemin’s perfectly-pouted lips.

IF CHOOCH KICKS ME ONE MORE TIME UNDER THE TABLE, I’M GOING TO PUT HIM ON THE MENU AS A PRESIDENTS DAY BRUNCH SPECIAL.

I need to make a friend from Pittsburgh who likes Kpop so I can have someone else to travel with for concerts BECAUSE THIS ARRANGEMENT WITH HENRY & CHOOCH IS NOT WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE. THEY ARE ANNOYING. I HAVE NO SPACE. I CAN’T BREATHE.

That waitress was really going to pack up the yogurt for us LOL

WOW that place was super overpriced and had no personality. It was basically like if Denny’s rebranded to cater to yuppies. I would not recommend. Another Yelp misfire. Apparently though Henry’s toast was really good but I wouldn’t know bc he said it right as he popped the last corner into his grinding face-hole.

But yeah, go to the Prestige if you want a Bloody Mary or mimosa with your basic, unimpressive breakfast.

I originally wanted to eat at the Summit Diner based solely on this Yelp review but Henry was all THERE IS NO EXIT ON THIS ROAD FIND SOMETHING ELSE. There’s never an exit for places I want to go to, how convenient for Henry.

GET ‘EM, JIM G.!!!

9:30am: We just drove past GHOST PONY ROAD.

10:31am: I was feeling depressed about BIGBANG’s military hiatus (this is at least once a day so don’t worry) but then we just drove past Dorney Park so I got briefly excited but then double-depressed because its winter and we still have like two months to go before amusement season is back. Ugh. Life, amirite.

10:49am: And here’s a Medical Malady Moment brought to you by Deer Park water. I had to ask Henry to open a new bottle of water for me and he was like OH COME ON YOU CAN OPEN THIS but I COULDNT because my hands are very weak right now and I have no energy in them so Chooch opened for me but henry continued to yammer on about how I’m making it up because of all the times I’ve punched him (LOVINGLY, thanks) and I was like, “Yes, but that’s always later in the day! In the mornings, I can’t do that! My hands are sensitive!” Honestly if I start to make a Fist right now, my hands will feel very ticklish and I won’t be able to close them all the way and now henry is grilling me about this. HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN HAPPENING? I don’t know, years. YEARS?? THEN U BETTER CALL A DOCTOR. But he’s just pretend-caring because he’s trying not to laugh which is awesome because I’m just over here squeezing invisible lemons to build up my hand strength so I can rip the skin off his face (at the next rest area. I don’t want him to wreck and kill us all).

11:13am: Second time on this trip that I stopped somewhere to pee and the bathroom was out of order I DONT CARE IF A MAN IS IN THERE CLEANING IT I’M GOING TO PEE MY PANTS.

I just threw a tantrum and left.

Sheetz is dead to me.

11:32am: Just stopped at a Flying J down the street for Operation: Urination and there was a tour bus there so I had to stand in line and listen to ZZ Top “Legs.” Then I couldn’t get the knot out of the scarf I’m using as a belt and it was a real sit-com struggle. But my bladder is under control now, and I got to slam two doors on Henry. “Feel better now?” he asked. Wait until my hand strength comes back later and then ask me after my fist meets your face, jackass.

11:53am: Oh fuck, I was looking at my blog stats and someone had viewing one of my old prank call posts where I used to use the IP Relay service to harass people and I was just reading some of the transcripts out loud to Henry who is absolutely disgusted because this is the one thing that can make me laugh harder than anything else and my face started SPASMING from the overexertion my hysterical laughter was causing and I am ugly crying so hard now and losing my voice. “Remember when they changed it and made people formally register to use it?” I wheezed to Henry, who snapped, “Yeah, because of you.” Then I said that was the best time of my life, using that service for evil, and I think Henry is leaving me now.

12:52am I wish I had been keeping a tally of the amount of times Henry said he’s done with us and this is THE LAST TRIP. OK tough guy.

1:45pm: Remember when I said Sheetz is dead to me? Well, it’s been reanimated because it’s LUNCHTIME and I am weak for their Boom Boom sauce on veggie wraps. Henry is bitching about how outrageous the turnpike is and lamenting the fact that our EZ Pass is in our other car and I’m like “go on and rant about your Dad Probz, I’m just gonna deepthroat this veggie wrap in the background.”

Also, I’m going to start pronouncing “pizza” the way it’s spelled from now on. This is ridiculous.

I couldn’t finish my banana so I gave it to Henry but he didn’t want it so he asked Chooch if he wanted it and it practically turned into a trial where Chooch wouldn’t take the banana until it was proven that Henry had not bitten it.

2:12pm: TAEMIN TIME. We made it about 2 hours listening to other things, that’s pretty good, right?

3:20pm: Is it Rumspringa? We just stopped at a rest area and saw a couple of Amish-looking runaways with a car full of wicker baskets.

Also, I did a triple-sneeze and then became extremely congested out of nowhere so now Dr. Henry is telling me that it’s probably a combination of the altitude and the weather. I’m sure he’ll extrapolate more on the next episode of HENRY MANSPLAINS IT ALL on whatever AM station jerk men listen to.

Me walking away when Henry’s talking:

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt5qS1uF-gn/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1r2vlnsxk3cpa

4:03pm: We are currently in the Liberty Tunnel and I am so desperate to be home right now. How did it take this long to get here?! WHY DID WE STOP FOR BREAKFAST?? WHY DOES HENRY DRIVE LIKE AN ELDER?

Ok, I know the answer to that. But still. Winter road trips are so tedious and uneventful. And it’s also snowing. Well I’m signing off here. I’m preparing to drop-roll out of the car before Henry even has a chance to put it in park. It’s been real, NEWARK.

In this edition of Do You Hear What Erin Hears, we have Taemin’s new song “Want” (of course) and a clip from the movie Lost Boys.

There is one part, a few seconds long, that sounds like something in this:

CAN YOU FIND THE CONNECTION.

I first heard it on my second run-thru of “Want” and now it’s all I can hear but luckily Lost Boys is one of my all-time favorite movies so this just exacerbates the greatness of “Want.

“

I thought it would be fun, for this particular FRIDAY FIVE, to share five ridiculous(ly awesome) workouts that I love to do when I come home from a particularly stressful day and need to blow off steam, or if just need a little mood-boost, or maybe it’s my day off from more strenuous workouts but I still wanna MOOOOVE BITCH, you know how it be.

To me, the best workouts are the ones that make you crack up. Yeah, CRUNCHLESS ABS, amirite.

So here we go.

1. THE GRIND

Awwwww shit, Eric Nies, boi. This came up in my feed the other day and I was so giddy and nostalgic. I definitely rented this from Blockbuster several times in the 90s (also, the Jody Watley workout!!).

“Wow, this wasn’t sponsored by Adidas or anything,” Henry mumbled, not budging from the couch even once to show off his Fly Girl moves.

2. Leslie Sansone

I’m sharing this particular workout because it’s the one where ELIZABETH DISAPPEARS but really it’s because she’s so sweaty two minutes in that she needs to towel off.

In all seriousness though, these workouts are perfect for when you have been sitting all day but don’t really want to get all up in some hardcore cardio boot camp bullshit. They’re also great to do in the winter when it’s too gross to go out for an evening neighborhood canvas.

3. Fuckin’ gospel aerobics, that’s what’s up

I will never stop recommending Paul Eugene because he cracks me up and I feel, dare I say, JOYOUS, doing these workouts!

Plus you get to grunt gratuitously and yell YEE HAW.

4. CHER

I swear I didn’t actively seek this one out. YouTube just hand-delivered it to me with a lacy g-string bow on top. My favorite thing about this is that every time Cher is in my periphery, I forget what I’m doing and think it’s Frank N. Furter getting ready to sing Sweet Transvestite.

5. KPOPALOOZA!!

Kpop dance workouts are still my ultimate go-to for X-Or-Cize. They cheer me up and it doesn’t feel like a workout at ALL–compared to the level 7 Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution that Chooch and I just finished which included crow push-ups and one leg push-ups but let me tell you what — I am ready for some Kpop-wiggles right now.

Anyway, this is an EXCLUSIVE playlist I made for one of the times Janna came over to Kpop-X with us.

Aren’t I a great pretend-trainer? I hope you feel inspired to try some of these, and please let me know what your favorite workout videos were back in the day. I had a soft spot for Denise Austin and Gilad lol. (AND JACKI SORENSON.)

We spend so much time making Valentines for other people to send to each other that this day has almost become sterile in a sense.

I remember when I used to get RULLLLL bent out of shape if Henry do enough/anything. And I still talk a big talk but deep down, man, I’m lazy in that department too. Just reposting that cake-baking post made me tired! I can’t imagine doing the actual thing nowadays!

But today ended up being just right. I was still in a good mood from yesterday when I came home from work to the bias mother lode from my pal Veronica! Look at all the hotness in this picture, I dunno how that envelope didn’t burn up en route to P-burgh.

She knows all my faves! I’m especially taken with the Haechan bookmark. I took all this loot to work and was showing my work friends who were just like “wow omg” because they were JEALOUS. Glenn of course was like WHY DO THEY ALL LOOK 12 and I was like BECAUSE THEY TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES GLENN OK.

Ugh.

And Sue brought in Valentine treats for everyone and it was just very lovely, and even though it was another hectic, understaffed day, I refused to let it get me stressed out and I smiled a lot, stayed positive, thought of Taemin…you know, all those things.

I didn’t even care that I was on late shift and Jeannie gave me a stupid project to work on!

#MINDOVERMATTER

Then Henry picked me up and when I got in the car, he said, “here take this” as he slapped my arm with a bouquet of flowers. I don’t even like flowers but that delivery was amazing, lol. Also, I think he bought them at a gas station but whatever. Because then he posted this on Instagram and that kind of made up for it:

I mean, in addition to the weird spacing of this caption, he forgot amusement parks, the cats, and grilled cheese. But whatever it was still kind of cute I guess I dunno. How do real couples even show love, I’m so out of the loop.

Actually, the real VDay gift was that he cleaned out bedroom and I can’t tell you how ecstatic this makes me because our room looks like college kids live in there most of the year.

There is nothing like a nice, TIDY ROOM and I don’t think I have ever used the word “tidy” before but FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

Then Chooch gave me this cute card and some healthy fitness nutrition bar thing that was actually super decadent and delicious.

This made me laugh because the 7 he’s referring to is level 7 of the Jillian Michaels’ Body Revolution series we’re doing. We didn’t Cardio level 2 tonight because Valentines Day is NOT A REASON TO TAKE A NIGHT OFF FROM OUR FITNESS PROGRAM, PEOPLE. We are obedient little exercisers.

And now I will cap off this night with some Kpop videos, Seoul vlogs, and MAYBE ONE ROLLERCOASTER POV.

Just sitting here reminiscing with Henry about the time I baked him a surprise cake for Valentines Day but of course he doesn’t remember because:

• he’s old
• he doesn’t love me
• I baked it in my dreams
• all of the above

Anyway, I think it actually happened because I have pics for all those “pics or it didn’t happen” people, which carries way more weight than the 8000 words I wrote about it, which you can FIND DOWN BELOW, whoa repost from 2012.

***********

I don’t know what came over me, but two weeks ago I was sitting at my desk at work when the most ridiculously out-of-character idea cloud settled upon my head, and it told me to bake Henry a cake for Valentine’s Day.

There are several things wrong with this:

1. I have never baked without supervision.
2. I have never baked a cake, nor have I ever wanted to. (I do like decorating cakes that other people have made though, usually in a mean-spirited fashion.)
3. I do not like baking. Or cooking. Or being in the kitchen at all.
4. Since when do I ever willingly want to do nice things for Henry?

Natalie happened to stop by to talk to me right after my plan was devised and I eagerly filled her in. She gave me a horrified look and then walked away.

See? Everyone knows this is not an Erin thing to do! And more importantly, HENRY knows this goes against everything I’m all about which means he would never expect it. Ever. Never ever.

I posted about it on Facebook (I blocked him from that particular status update) and the reactions were mixed, everything from shock and trepidation from the people who know that the only recipe I’m capable of following is one for disaster, suspicion from some who are not used to seeing my sweet side, and then there were all the “You Should”s with their unsolicited suggestions of what I should make instead.

But my mind was made up: red velvet cake, cream cheese frosting. No cake pops or cupcakes or chocolate-covered strawberries. No bakery-bought cake. If I was going to do this, I was going to do it big and do it my way.

A week before Valentine’s Day, I did some subtle recon.

“Why don’t you ever bake cakes?” I asked Henry out of the blue one night, because that’s how I do subtle. “Is it because it’s too HARD?” If it’s too difficult for Henry, then it’s impossible for me.

“Because we don’t have any cake pans,” he mumbled, not seeming to think it was a weird question at all.

The next day at work, I was freaking out about cake pans, which is how I learned that there are many options in acquiring one. For instance, Target sells cake pans! I never would have known. I learn so much about life at work.

But then Natalie said I could borrow hers! So then I had two 8in cake pans in my purse when I left work on Friday and Henry looked at me weirdly when he heard them clanging together.

And then he looked at me even more weirdly, now with a dash of fear, when I told him that I needed something for his Valentine’s gift but Natalie let me borrow hers, like it was her diaphragm and this was 1996.

“I don’t want to know,” he said.

After I took Chooch to school Monday morning, I looked at the frosting and cake mix recipe 45752 times to see what I would need, then I collected all the courage I could muster and set off to the grocery store. A solo trip to the grocery store. Whoever would’ve thought? When I t old Chooch what I was doing that day, he stopped everything and said, “Are you sure you shouldn’t just buy the cake?”

Nice to know my son has so much faith in me.

I was so nervous and apprehensive that I acted like I was on Supermarket Sweep, grabbed what I needed (I even got coffee creamer because I knew I was almost out; I’m suddenly responsible!), checked my heart rate and got the FUCK out. I really hate grocery stores. Unless it’s one of the fancy ones. Then I like to tag along with Henry and increase our bill by $150. Henry really enjoys that too.

The actual cake-baking wasn’t too bad, you guys! I even found the hand-mixer thingie and the whisk-y thingies which were in the second drawer I looked in! Clearly all of these things meant that baking was in my destiny. And you know, in between heaping mouthfuls of cake batter, I smiled to myself and thought about how surprised Henry was going to be that I was doing something selfless for him, because when do I ever do anything for him, aside from making pretty faces for him, filling his days with my warm and sunny disposition, and BEARING HIS CHILD?

Yep, everything was fine until the cake was done and I tried to remove it by flipping the pan upside down and shaking. A huge chunk flopped out, but another huge chunk remained adhered to the bottom of the pan. (Yes, I greased the pan! Why does everyone keep asking me that!?) Thank god for Facebook; I posted this picture with a caption begging for help, and my guardian angels asured me that this wasn’t fatal and that there were ways to piece it back together. And then Kaitlin texted me and said that happens to her all the time and I was like, “YES, I’M ON THE SAME PAGE AS KAITLIN!” Whatever that means!

Parts of the cake appeared burnt while other portions were definitely undercooked. I shrugged it off because let’s be real – this cake was mostly just a symbol at this point. If pieces of it turned out edible, well then that’s a bonus.

Once I dumped out the second cake, I stowed them away in the attic (yes, they were covered! I’m not that stupid!) and spent the rest of my day watching MTV like a person like me should be doing.

The next morning, Chooch was brushing his teeth and admitted to me that he peeked at the cake.

“It looks weird,” he said, his voice full of toothpaste and concern.

“BECAUSE IT’S NOT DONE YET! God!” I was feeling pretty defensive at that point.

After I took Chooch to school, it was time to make the frosting. I waited a whole day to do this because all of my Google research told me that it is best to frost a cake the next day. Plus, I didn’t feel like being in the kitchen any longer on Monday. But I realized I didn’t have enough butter and had to go BACK TO THE STORE which caused me great anxiety. Henry called while I was doing this and all I would tell him was that I was working on the second thing I needed to do but a wrench was thrown into the plan and I had to go back to the store.

Goddamn does it take butter a lot of time to thaw! Jessy texted me some ways to speed up the process but they all involved copious opportunies for me to fuck up. So I just sat on it for awhile instead.

The cats went apeshit when I was using the mixer. They have never, in 14 years, seen me do that before. I started to pretend like I was going to go after Marcy with it but then batter started flying around like arterial spray so I shoved it back in the bowl. God, baking is messy. I still don’t know where the frosting landed. And you know what, that shouldn’t be my concern. I already did enough, Henry can clean up. Right?

Aside from when I dropped the bowl and caught it by slamming it against the cabinets with my crotch (I did all the preparations on the 2 inch slat of counterspace in front of the sink, even though we have an entire table I could have used), frosting proved to be pretty easy to make! I did have to ask Google if confectioners powder is the same as powered sugar, though. (It is, in case you didn’t know.)

OK, I lied. I wanted to see how it felt to be cheery and positive for once. No, it wasn’t easy! It wasn’t easy at all! It took forever to mix, and my arms were hurting so bad, and it was jerking me around and not in a pleasurable way either. And then when it was time to slather it on the cake, my spatula thing kept pulling up parts of the cake and then it was mixing in with the frosting and I was getting so angry that I found myself crying for the eight time since the nigthmare started the day before, and if that shit didn’t taste so fucking good, it was about to get set on fire and chucked at the nearest Katy Perry fan.

And then I was like, “Fuck it. Once he sees I baked him a cake, of course he’s not going to deduct points for it being a hot mess.” Because the whole point is that, hello, this bitch baked him a cake for the first (and last) time ever!

When I first had the idea, I thought it would be cute to decorate it with all the things we share a mutual love for, but then I realized that’s only one thing (aside from our kid, obviously).

So it’s only slightly a wreck! I was pretty proud of myself, to be honest. But the sense of accomplishment was not enough to make me forget the electricutionary feeling of frazzled nerves, so no, I will not be making this a hobby. 

Henry was nervous. “This is only the second time in 11 years you’ve done something for me on Valentine’s Day,” he said. It’s true. The last time I gave him an empty ring box which was supposed to hold a key to my house, but I left it in the paper bag from the hardware store.

He said, “I’m going to guess whatever you were doing was something you don’t normally do….which could be just about anything.”

Oh my god, he’s almost smiling! But then he looked at it again and said, “What are all the lumps in the frosting?”

“It’s cake!” I wailed. Ugh!

The more he looked at the cake, the less his lips held the smile-curve. It looked like apprehension was setting in, like he was going to make me taste it first. But he apparently ate a piece while I was at work and lived to tell about it. (I have no evidence that he didn’t force our son to eat it on his behalf, though.)

I only half-considered adding the zest of Hemlock to the frosting, I swear. 

That night, after Chooch went to bed, Henry slipped into the kitchen, shutting the door behind him. I kept waiting for him to come out with a ring* or at least some vintage porn hidden in a souffle, but apparently my big Vday gift was dinner. 

(*You know I would have been displeased if he had proposed on a day as obvious as February 14th. I’M NEVER HAPPY!)

“You ALWAYS cook dinner,” I whined. “I baked you a CAKE!”

He spent the rest of the night kissing my ass and then I let him scratch my back, so all was not lost. 

(Wait, this sounds like a regular night at our house.)

I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life smearing this in his face.

Look I know I just posted a Kpop video yesterday but that was KING TAEMIN and he gets his own blog shout outs all to himself so today I’m going to share some other new K-bops that have been getting through this dumb dreary winter.

1. Itzy – Dalla Dalla

This is the highly anticipated debut of new JYP girl group Itzy and they’re already proving to be the polar opposite of their unnies in Twice. I love that the theme of this song is that it’s ok to be different. It admittedly took a few listens for it to grow on me but in the end, Itzy comes through and I’m looking forward to seeing where they go with future concepts. We need more fierce girl groups!

Speaking of…

2. CLC – No

Cube Entertainment finally let CLC out of the storm cellar and they are back with a vengeance, like a fierce girl power microburst.

3. WayV – Dream Launch

This is the SM Entertainment all-Chinese group and I fucking love them. To be honest, I love everything SM gives us (*cough*Taemin*cough*) but the effort they put into their groups/sub-units/concepts is just dizzying. Anyway, I love the 1980s feel-good fantasy movie vibes this video has and the song is so smooooooth – I want to roller skate to it so bad which makes me think that maybe I should rent the rink out again and have a Kpop party.

Who’s in?! Yeah, me and the crickets! That’s what I thought, ha.

4. Seventeen – Good To Me

I like every Seventeen song I’ve ever heard but for some reason, they always slip under the radar for me. (Case in point: I CAN ONLY NAME ONE MEMBER, WHAT THE HELL.) But this song really makes me snap to attention every time it comes on. But seriously, I need to finally learn these guys’ names – where all my Carats at?

5. Ateez- Say My Name

These rookie boys, tho! I love their edginess and their rough aesthetic. THEY ARE PIRATES IN ONE OF THEIR VIDEOS. I think these guys are interesting and I’m willing to invest some time in getting to know them (ie bleeding YouTube dry of all their variety show appearances, fan-cams, music stages until I learn their damn names – no one said being a Kpop stan is easy).

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But let’s be real, I have very little room in my life right now for anything now that Taemin has finally comeback. So as a bonus, here is this adorable clip of his appearance on Idol Room, where some of the members of NCT Dream do a Taemin/SHINee random dance in his presence and you can tell he is desperate at times to jump in and show them how it’s really done. UGH DANCE KING TAEMINNIE.

(OHMYFUCKINGGOD TAEMIN’S FLOPPY HAIR.)