Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:36 The fact that I like the skull/heart combo so much makes me think I’ll never stop being 16. At least, I hope not. #
• 18:16 I look like a turtle. #
• 18:19 Henry mixed it up and added tiny cheese cubes to my salad. I’m so blessed. #
• 21:05 I hate that life is so quick to dish out Lame soup after giving me an Awesome souffle. #
• 22:15 My boss just busted me jacking candy from a cubicle, then laughed and said I always look so guilty. #
• 09:14 Someone is about to experience death by tutu strangulation. #
• 12:07 Teaching chooch to slap henrys leg and call him a dork when he comes home. Not allowed to teach him anything worse. Ugh.#
• 12:20 Chooch just performed an elegant stripper maneuver around the leg of the dining room table. wish I had some Abes to stuff in diaper. #

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 My crazy aunt Sharon offered up my grandma’s porch for Chooch’s birthday party. Of course, she was in charge of the guest list, which she was adamant about keeping short and sweet. I was afraid to invite Henry’s kids for fear of suffering her impatient huffs and sighs. In fact, I was afraid to even invite MYSELF. But I kept my cool because the whole point of having it there was so my grandma could attend.

However, Henry was so turned off by the whole thing that he just had his mom and sister come over our house Friday night for cupcakes. (And also because we segregate our families. Completely not normal.)

In the end, I demanded that Janna and Christina at least be able to come. They’re my best friends and it would have been weird without them.

 And of course, at the last minute, Sharon called me to see if Henry’s kids were coming.

"No, I didn’t think I was allowed to invite them," I said, slightly snottily. Christina was sitting next to me and her eyes kind of widened. She told me later that she was afraid I was about to ignite some sort of family warfare, moments before the start of Chooch’s party.

"Of course they’re invited!" Sharon said sweetly. "You guys will only be here for an hour, what do I care who comes?"

Oh did I mention that? The party was only allowed to be an hour long. I joked on the way there that probably we’d pull into the driveway and Sharon would hand us cake slices in to-go bags and send us on our way. But I wasn’t really joking.

In typical Sharon fashion, she gifted him with a bunch of stuff that no kid would ever want for his birthday: A cars wastebasket and shower curtain complete with cars shower rod hangers, and a bath mat with…blue daisies on it.

Oh.

"Does he like flowers?" she asked.

Don’t all two-year-old boys like flowers? Like any other kid, he demands no less than five Lalique vases in his room, filled with the most pungent bouquet of daffodils. In fact, we just had him at the hospital last week, having a bunch of lilacs extracted from his nose.

We all kind of glanced around the table at each other, slinging "WTF?" expressions every time Sharon would turn her back. I mean, for a two-year-old? Home decor?

My grandma ended up having a bad headache (or so Sharon says; I think she’s holding her hostage), so she was unable to leave her bedroom. Chooch went in to visit her, and I gave him a dandelion from the yard to give to her, which Sharon took credit for. Then after meeting her socialization quota for the month, my mom wandered off into the den  to watch the Pens game. (Yay, Pens, btw.)

In the end, all that mattered was that Chooch had fun, Sharon was actually personable and didn’t kick us out after one hour exactly, and there was good cake, of which I ate plenty (with the Pennsylvania Vanilla ice cream I bought all by myself and with my own money!)

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:48 On our way to Gray Gardens for Choochs birthday cake. Getting high first might have been a good idea. Oh, hindsight. #
• 14:03 My only task was picking up ice cream. When did vanilla branch off into so many sub-flavors? Jesus Christ. #
• 17:47 Ppl will probably think Henry is his kids’ chaperone at the show tonite, when really he’s mine. #
• 18:33 For some reason we were just escorted to the front of the line. W/o even making it to the end. Wtf. #
• 19:21 Hi we got in the VIP! #
• 19:50 Drop Dead Gorgeous just came on and Henry said OH GR8 right before his head burst. #
• 23:12 Motherfucking Chiodos FTW!!!! #
• 23:22 Christina drives like the ppl I get stuck behind that make me scream FUCKING DRIVE in a Satan voice. #
• 10:50 Considered arranging for christinas car to get jacked so she’d have to stay in pittsburgh. #

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Last night was easily one of the best nights of my life, even though I wanted to cry every two seconds (I succumbed to tearshed once, I won’t lie). For now, here’s a video from their set:

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:06 The only thing worse than being called jelis is when ur really not. Oh, and decapitation might be worse too. #
• 18:50 Sometimes I wanna be all YOU SUCK, but I’ve always had a hard time being so succinct. #
• 19:14 Cuter: ET or MAC from Mac and Me? Pressing, plz answer. #
• 19:43 Eleanore needs to shave her pits. I didn’t see or anything; she announced it. #
• 22:07 It would be interesting to watch someone burn in a fiery pit. Smelly, but a charbroiled good time nonetheless. #
• 22:24 alexisonfire just came on my Zen, so its official– i need to find a bitch to burn. All signs point to a haystack and a match. #
• 23:23 This office air makes my face so oily. Come swipe your bread on my face. #
• 10:49 Just told chooch that he’s the only person that poops and henry yelled at me. #
• 11:32 Wishing my son would cease using his head as a weapon. #
  

  ---

  Urgent. Will die without reading.

  • 15:41 Lost raises my blood pressure. #
  • 15:42 Almost as much as the incessant phone calls from my wacked-out aunt. #
  • 17:09 Just let a Jehovahs Witness in front of us in traffic & bitch didn’t wave thanks. Jesus frowned. #
  • 18:00 Henry used to eat stewed tomatoes all the time when he was young. Must have been cheap during Depression. #
  • 00:11 Fuck I never thought I would get so hyped over a j-lo movie. GIRL POWER! I’ve been drinking. #
  • 01:39 Trying to bring back fluorescent blazers. Worn with a black bra underneath and asymmetrical hair. I’m about to be hot ya’ll. #
  • 08:53 I remember the shoes and the mercedes. Don’t be cruel. #
  • 09:36 Today means birthday cake and the Chiodos show. I might not care if I die on the way home. #
  • 09:38 Chooch and I had Christina fetch us bagels, a sore reminder to her that there are TWO Erins now. #

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Christina’s here to indulge in some Girl Power J.Lo movies and Blue’s Clues birthday cake.

Then, to wash all that down her gullet, we’ll be going to the much anticipated Chiodos show tonight with Henry’s kids, where I will dance like Bobby Brown and they will want to die.

In other words, this weekend is pretty full of awesome.

(Well, if you’re into that shit, but probably it would just be lame for everyone else.

)

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:59 This photoshoot was sposed to be for fun but now is a Very Big Deal. Ugh leave me alone. #
• 17:04 Telling Big Bob about a coworker I don’t like. He told me, very srsly, to "blog it up" and I almost died. #
• 17:29 Just had the best peanut of my life. #
• 17:39 When I put on Greeley Estates, Chooch started going crazy & knocking chairs over. He’s going to be That Guy who chucks beer bottles at shows #
• 19:24 Bob was joking that one of my exes is probably doing heroin now. Didn’t have heart to tell him he died 7 yrs ago! #
• 21:45 Eleanore is talking on phone AND cutting coupons. Oh holy night, indeed. #
• 09:16 Holy shit Chooch is 2. Right now I’m sitting next to a 2yo. Crying almost! TWO!#

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More shitty music for you.

When Chooch was around four months old, I accidentally sliced skin while trimming his nails. There was blood, there was tears, and there was a split second when I realized this was my chance to eschew the term ‘boo boo’ from our household lexicon. It’s just one of those babyish words that I hate.  "Oh no, you got a Borden! You got a little Lizzie Borden on your finger, poor baby!"

Unfortunately, Chooch hasn’t had many spills resulting in any visible marring of the flesh (fortunately, I mean! Fortunately!), so the cute and fluffy term never had a chance to stick.

But apparently last night, Father of the Year allowed Chooch to fall on the sidewalk and scrape his knee. Now, I was at work when this happened, but to further plow Henry’s good name straight into a landfill of shit, I like to imagine that when it happened, he was too busy slurping dented cans of Schlitz and thumbing through the Yellow Pages looking for bait shops and hookers while Chooch wandered around in a stupor of neglect, diaper hanging open on one hip and poop crusted on his hands.

This morning, we were sitting on the couch and I noticed his little scrape on the knee. He saw me looking at it and said, "Boo boo!" Goddammit! No! Every time he said it, I quickly corrected him. "Yeah, you got a Borden! Ouchie!" I can just hear Henry in my head, teaching him that it’s a booboo. "Oh no buddy, you got a BOO BOO! Now let’s go inside and I’ll give you your BINKY and we’ll watch BARNEY and sing HANNAH MONTANA songs!" So I pointed to the scrape again and said, "Happy birthday, Chooch. That was Daddy’s gift to you."

Currently, I am feeling very jaded on the friend tip. I’ve realized recently that holy shit, I have a lot of selfish assholes in my life.

Currently, I am feeling frustrated at work and I think my boss has picked up on that because she asked me if I want to order Thai tomorrow. It’s my favorite and I always get vetoed. What’s up, Kim? SCARED?

Currently, I do nothing but listen to Pierce the Veil and shiver.

Currently, one of the people who replied to my Craigslist ad about the photo shoot will not back the fuck up off me. I get three emails from him a day and he’s essentially trying to take charge. This was supposed to be a fun and laid back thing and he’s turning it into a Hustler spread.

Currently, the only thing keeping me from hanging myself (this week) is the Chiodos show on Sunday. Ok fine, and my kid. God.

Currently, I’m probably the oldest person trying to do this.

Currently, I’m disenchanted with life, but excited because I finally realized what I want to do about it. Except that currently, I have no motivation.

Currently, my hair looks really great and really, isn’t that all life’s about anyway? 

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:03 Henry QOTD: I would never leave just because someone sat down beside me. Unless it was you. #
• 15:08 I think henry just tried to send me a picture of his weener. Would have been hot if he did it from zoo, not bedroom. #
• 15:33 Eyebrows are a really weird part of the face when u think about it. At least they’re not wooden though. Or Teflon. #
• 19:32 If I was "trained" to write for a career I’m pretty certain I’d kill myself. #
• 20:49 Apparently its ok to be full of shit as long as you’re funny. Whew. #
• 22:36 Srsly am about to slit throats with frying pans.#
• 09:59 Couldn’t remember kielbasi so I kept calling it curvy meat which is a much cooler name anyway. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:05 Could really go for the stench of Play-Doh right about now. #
• 17:39 Good. Someone’s puking in the bathroom at work. I haven’t heard vomiting since……oh, yesterday. #
• 18:19 You know what I hate? Disenchantment. Fuck! #
• 20:21 Why does popcorn suddenly reek of urine to me??? Oh god I hope I’m not prego. #
• 23:12 Doing that thing where I plot grand schemes in my head. Ho-ho-ho-shit. #
• 00:31 @ohidontthinkso if i AM prego, i have your address and a basket. #
• 10:24 Going to zoo. Hopefully will find good ppl to stalk.
  buy dapoxetine online dapoxetine online no prescription

  #

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The thought of the zoo usually brings to mind smiling families, ice cream stands, fluffy animals, and tasty pizza; but then I get there and remember that really it’s full of screaming kids, air that’s heavy with fecal fumes, asshole mothers carting around wagonfuls of screaming kids, exhibits blocked by screaming kids, screaming kids in buses, screaming kids wearing  matching school district t-shirts, restroom entrances flanked by screaming kids, moms in ill-fitted jeans screaming at the screaming kids, balding dads blocking out the screaming kids by fantasizing of beer and slutty babysitters. Oh, and old people. Old people on foot; old people on tram, old people in motorized wheelchairs running over screaming kids and old people on foot.

Let me break down my zoo jaunt for you:

Car ride: Are we there yet, are we there yet.

<20 minutes: Oh my god animals look at the tigers oh my god ice cream oooh Dippin’ Dots!

<30 minutes: I’m bored. I’m hungry. I’m bored. I’m hungry. Ew, it smells.

<45 minutes:  When are we leaving?

The worst thing for me is how predictable it is. I know that around that bend is the monkey house. I know the kimodo dragon won’t be out. I know I will hate everyone there. I know I will have to restrain myself from punting kids over fences. I know I’ll be disappointed by the food at the cafeteria and I know that Henry will act shocked at how expensive everything is.

Maybe the zoo can change some shit up, create a theme. Like, maybe The Zoo Takes Harlem. So instead of feigning astonishment and adoping a face full of wonder when I witness the requisite elephant-takes-a-dump scene, perhaps my reaction would be genuine if I stumbled upon the elephants warming themselves in a front of a garbage can fire with a cluster of hobos. Perhaps the zebras could throw some dice in an alley with some inner city kids, maybe the monkeys could smoke some crack under a bridge. I’d love to see the bears and the ostriches in a gang war.

Maybe schedule some human sacrifices. I volunteer the albinos. Who would really miss a few hundred albinos per season anyway, am I right Pittsburgh Zoo?

Chooch was mainly interested in the other children. "Yeah, but look at the LION," I would say, but he would laugh and point at the kids around him, thinking they were there for his amusement. Wait, I guess he really is a lot like me.

At the polar bear exhibit, some little mother fucker squeezed out the last bit of juice from a juice box and then tossed it onto the ground. I was appalled. I vocalized my disgust by scraping sound off my throat and scowled at him and his asshole mother as they walked away. I wanted to say something, shove my fist through their faces, make a citizens arrest.

"He’s like, six years old," Henry pointed out, concerned that I was considering physical punishment.  I didn’t care! Littering is littering and his vagina-faced mother is allowing him to ruin MY WORLD.

We ran into them again before we left, in the reptile house, where I noticed that his t-shirt said, "Make pizza, not war." Making sure the little littering asshole was within earshot, I said smugly to Henry, "I want to make him a shirt that says ‘Empty juice boxes go in the garbage can, not on the ground.’" Henry rolled his eyes and continued along with Chooch.

The next thing I knew, the asshole’s equally assholey mother came barrelling around a corner, shouting, "Bram! Bram!" Her miniature litterer broke through a crowd of kids, tears streaming down his face — and in those tears my vindication manifested — and he ran into his mother’s arms.

"That’s what happens to kids who litter," I said loudly to Henry. "They get LOST." Henry told me to drop it, but I wasn’t done gloating. And it figures his name is Bram. Bram. Ha! I scoff at you, Bram.

Our last stop was the Dippin’ Dots stand, where we shared a dish of banana split freeze-dried balls of ice cream that cost FOUR DOLLARS PLUS TAX. Fuck you, zoo. It’s freezer-burnt ice cream crumbs, for Christ’s sake. As we were finishing, a partially-crippled woman sat down at the other end of our picnic table. We got up to leave and I said to Henry, "I hope she doesn’t think we left because she’s degenerate." I was actually concerned about someone’s feelings for once!

"I would never leave just because someone sat down beside me. Unless it was you," Henry said. And then we left.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:02 It’s surprising how many times a day I wash dishes, considering there’s only three of us and Chooch mostly eats off the floor. #
• 13:36 I still feel sad when I think about Versace’s murder. Like I was his bastard child from a hetero fling & I got gypped out of inheritance.  #
• 14:56 At work and it suddenly smells like someone just peed. #
• 15:02 Pee smell was burning bag of popcorn that someone tossed, still aflame, in the trash. Big Bob saved day.  #
• 15:22 Dear Robert Smith: not sure what I’d have done if you weren’t born. Happy fucking birthday, yo. #
• 17:46 I usually have no idea what I’m talking about, but I like to think it sounds good. #
• 19:25 define irony: asking Eleanore to cut – WITH SCISSORS – a stray thread from the back of my shirt #
• 20:36 I often have urges to punch myself in the head. like now. what a coincidence. #
• 09:29 I could never just take a hearty bite out of a whole tomato and call it a snack. That’s what apples are for. And Sno-balls. #
• 11:07 Hoping the "poop, then stick fingers in it" phase ends soon. For Chooch, I mean. I outgrew that three yrs ago. #

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I have three Brightkite invites if anyone’s interested.