We Will Detonate! 5/9/17

 music, Obsessions
May 112017
 

It’s hard to believe that nine years ago, I saw Emarosa open for Pierce the Veil at some dinky skate park venue in Buffalo, and now here I was with Chooch (a much better concert companion than the one I had in ’08), seeing them together again on a much larger scale.

Pierce the Veil is still the same band from way back when. Emarosa couldn’t be more different. Yet, the feelings (trying to stop saying FEELS all the time because Inannoy even myself) were still the same.

100%.

Henry dropped Chooch and me off at Stage AE right after work on Tuesday and I was READY. Chooch found joy in pointing out all the parents in line who were way older than me, so that was a fun game for me too, although it was also kind of bizarre because I don’t remember parents ever being at PTV shows back in the day – why are their fans getting consistently younger?!

Although in every case I’ve encountered, the parents were there because they actually like PTV too, so that’s something.

Standing in line was boring. Nothing exciting happened. No ice cream truck. I did happily shout, “TAMPON” when the security guard was patting me down and asked what was in my pocket.

And Henry mocks me for never being prepared. Pfft!

Chooch and I managed to get the same spot we had for Never Shout Never, a sweet spot against the railing, off to the right where absolutely no one crowds so we’re free to gesticulate wildly and Chooch can, god forbid, rest his weary 11-year-old bones between sets.

As soon as we claimed our spots, an older woman gave us a once-over and said, “Oh good, you’re here with a kid too!”

I get real defensive about this because I’m not just some chaperone. So I felt the need to explain that I have actually liked PTV for the last 10 years (I didn’t mention liking their first incarnation, Before Today, because I didn’t want to sound like an indigent hipster even though I do have the indignation part down pat).

“He likes them now too so he became my concert buddy,” I said, jutting an elbow back toward Chooch. Henry is still so thankful about this, btw.

Anyway, Yinzer Mom (that’s not nice – she was actually a lovely person who knew when it was fine to just stand together in silence without puffing out empty words all night) went on to tell me that her daughter got her into PTV last summer.

“I started listening to them while working out – I lost 50 pounds!” she exclaimed.

“It’s like you and Kpop!” Chooch butted in. Shut up, Chooch. The moms are talking.

It was cool to listen to an older person gush over a band that has been associated with teenage fans for as long as I’ve been into them. I don’t really understand why that is, because they’re so great, and for as many times as I’ve seen them (at least 20 times by now!), they have not put on one single bad show.

I asked her if she’d ever heard of Emarosa and she admitted that she hadn’t.

“You’re going to love them,” I promised. And then she told me that the last concert she attended was Kid Rock & Lynyrd Skynyrd 10 years ago.

Wow. Just wow.

Also, not surprising.

Then some other old broad rolled up with two young teen girls. They were standing on the floor below us, but the broad turned around to talk to us several times, my favorite of which was when she asked me if I liked Korn.

LOL.

For a minute in 1997? And then a second in 1999?

She must have been bitchin’ back in the day. I could tell by her form-fitting black attire, severely bleached hair, and faded sleeve full of hearts and daggers.

Ugh, I’m trying to do this new No Judgment thing and it’s hard. So very hard.

She was a very nice lady.

With some pretty poor choices.

The first band to play was Chapel. I had never heard of them and didn’t do my due diligence because it’s a struggle for me to leave my Korean bubble. I gave them nary a Spotify spin. I expected them to be moderately heavy, but instead we were treated with an electro-pop duo from Georgia who completely and unexpectedly slayed. The drummer was a bad-ass girl who, at one point, was beating a drum with her head. Chooch was enthralled.

He’s been learning how to play drums now too, in addition to piano. His teacher Cheryl dedicates the last 15 minutes of his piano lessons for some drummin’, and he is really into it.

“That’s your basic rock beat,” he said, nodding toward the stage during the intro  to one of the songs.

Yeah, Chooch and I were definitely fans of these guys.

I kept thinking of Whitechapel in my head, and I’m glad that they didn’t sound like them.

After Chapel, it was EMAROSA TIME! It occurred to me that it had been nearly a year since we last saw them, and maybe I’m just spoiled but that is way too long and I’m glad we were able to rectify that shit. Chooch and I were fine not being closer to the stage because we’re also going to see them in Cleveland on Saturday, where they’ll be a doing an off-date headlining show at Mahalls. Way more intimate!

Bradley has bleached hair now and that was disorienting at first (Henry would have had a field day because he’s obsessed with noticing changes in band members’ hair), but then they started playing and it was like, “MY HEART IS HOME AGAIN.” How are they not taking over the world yet!?

Bradley did all of the people-pleasing tricks: doing backflips on stage, literally immersing himself in the crowd, carrying their guitarist on his shoulders through the crowd. But most of all, he sang like a fucking anguished angel while the rest of Emarosa supported his vocals with intense instrumentals. There is no other way to explain an Emarosa show to someone other than it sounds like magic and you will be fucking engaged. Bradley will make sure of that. Every show I’ve been to, people go nuts, whether it’s their first time or fiftieth time experiencing the bombastic showmanship.

Afterward, I asked my new mom friend what she thought. I mean, she was fucking whistling (yes, she’s a whistler; sigh), fumbling to record with her phone, and screaming her crispy-haired head off.

“Holy shit! I was NOT expecting that,” she yelled. “When they first came on, I was like OK who is singing?! And then I was like, Oh! There he is, IN THE CROWD! They were AWESOME!”

I love experiencing someone’s first time with Emarosa! I’m starting to cry as I write this, someone give me a pill.

Immediately after their set, Bradley hopped off the stage and went straight back to Emarosa’s merch table, because he cares about his fans, you guys. The merch table was on  the opposite side of the venue from where we were standing and I didn’t want to lose our spots. I could have asked Yinzer Mom to save them for us I guess, but I hate talking to people.

“I’ll just go by myself,” Chooch said with a shrug, and off went my independent 11-year-old kid who doesn’t need me to hold his hand like I need Henry to hold mine. WHO IS THIS BOY!?

Anyway, he stood in line all by himself and he said Bradley playfully punched his arm when he noticed him. <3

Of course, Chooch didn’t say much because Bradley is the only person in the world who can take Chatty Chooch’s tongue. It’s amazing, really, how shy and clammed-up he becomes. But he got a picture!

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<3<3<3

Chooch was angry because the guy who took the picture for them didn’t do a good job.

“It’s blurry!” he whined, and I was like, “Yeah but it’s still better than if Henry had taken it.”

Bradley asked where his parents were and Chooch was probably thinking in his head, “THEY ABANDONED ME WILL YOU ADOPT ME PLEASE BE MY NEW DAD” but instead, Chooch said he told Bradley that his mom was “over there somewhere.”

Yep that’s me, being a vigilant parent, on the other side of a venue full of drunk people and boobytraps and kidnappers.

The next band was Sum 41 and I was totally not looking forward to them. I kind of wished, selfishly, that they were the headliners so we could peace out after PTV, but no….they were right smack in the middle.

I’ve managed to go all these years without ever having to see them live, and I only know the songs “In Too Deep” and “Fat Lip.” So I was willing to give them a chance, because maybe they’d be fun. As the stage was being setup for them, the floor started to fill in with a lot of older persons; Yinzer bros who most definitely listen to nu-metal started pushing their way to the middle of the floor, sloshing their bro-beers around and just looking like genuine hooligans.

I was glad that we had a railing separating us from them because I could only imagine.

You guys. I’m probably going to offend people here, but Sum 41 now sits comfortably in my list of Top 20 Worst Bands I’ve Ever Had to Stand Through. Maybe they’re for you but THEY ARE NOT FOR ME. And apparently, not for my kid either, because he was ANGRY during their set.

He flipped them off several times, too.

Look, I’m glad Derrick Whibley didn’t like, die, or whatever, and that he got away from Avril Lavigne, but good goddamn, he is not very original with his crowd engagement and banter (getting the crowd to yell Fuck Yeah – so progressive).

Also, their set was like a billion decibels louder than the other three, and was definitely one of the loudest shows I’ve ever been to, and not in a good way. I was actually in pain, that’s how needlessly loud it was. Like, I actually wished I had earplugs.

I felt like a subwoofer was having me for dinner.

And when did Sum 41 become metal? It was basically 45 minutes of generic-sounding metal riffs, a quick Black Sabbath cover, a cover of We Will Rock You that they dragged out for 10  minutes because Derrick had to stop in the middle of it to fling more banal banter at the crowd while sauntering around the stage aimlessly.

Sum 41 guitar solos.

Sum 41 minutes I’ll never get back.

Sum 41 days of hearing loss.

Yeah, I hated them. It was the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus all over again.

It was years of enduring Dope because they wouldn’t stop touring with my beloved Cold.

It was just a waste of time. Go back to 2002, Sum 41.

But none of that mattered once Pierce the Veil came on!

There’s not much I can say on this here blog other than they were utterly fantastic. From their stage design to the performance, it was flawless and entertaining and kept us all engaged – even my fickle kid who has been known to want to leave after three songs are played.

But he was really feeling it, and we kept elbowing each other each time our faves were played, or when Jaime would come to our side of the stage, or when legit smoke circles came bursting out into the crowd during “Circles.”

Mike’s drum set was on top of a giant stick of dynamite, even!

Pierce the Veil shows have it all!

Vic mentioned that 2017 marks TEN YEARS of them being a band and I can’t even believe it. Obviously, it makes me wistful for certain people, and a certain time in my life, but I’m glad that I can still go to these shows and not be completely sucker-punched with sadness anymore. Maybe it’s a new era. Maybe it’s because now I can share it with Chooch.

But it’s good now. Even when they threw it back to A Flair for the Dramatic – sure, I held my hands to my chest like a little old lady clutching her purse on the way to church….but no tears! I was TEAR FREE!

I AM SAVED, LORD JESUS!

I do miss the fluorescent clothes-wearing scene kids with side parts that used to make up the majority of the crowd, though. Those were the days. #StayPosi

No one even wears bows in their hair anymore!

OMG, after they played “Stay Away From My Friends,” my new mom friend and I literally squealed and she elbowed me SO HARD (I’m delicate!) that it hurt but I’ll let it go this time since it was in the name of PTV.

Chooch was a happy boy because the last song of the encore was King For a Day. I wish that Besitos was still part of their set list, but their last album is so great that I don’t really miss it that much, I guess. (But it IS one of my favorites! God, Vic — aren’t you reading all of my letters!? Is it because they’re written in blood?!)

As we were leaving, we saw Chooch’s One True Love, Courtney, leaning against the bar with her boyfriend. Chooch has loved her since he was in 1st grade and she was the 8th grade mentor. Now she’s like, I don’t know, in some grade in high school, but we run into her a lot. We saw her earlier when she was crowd-surfing during PTV, so now I figure it’s only a matter of time before Chooch needs to step up his concert game and I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MANY KIDS WERE WALKING PAST US WITH BLOODY NOSES AND I DON’T WANT MY SWEET LITTLE BOY TO BLEED WAAAAAH!

Sometimes I’m a mom.

Anyway! So we saw Courtney and Chooch was all, “Oh no. Oh god no” and he tried to go the opposite way, but I grabbed him by the shoulders and steered him over to her while he was literally dragging his heels. Eventually, he was right in front of her. She looked up from her phone, smiled real big, and said, “Hi Riley!” with just the right amount of taunting-ness to her voice.

His face turned so red that I feared if I pricked it with a pin, a gush of blood would come spurting out a la The Shining.

Then we went outside and ran around looking for our parents like all of the other kids leaving the show. Don’t worry, Papa H was waiting.

 

Tell Me a Story, Mother

 Uncategorized
May 102017
 

“I met him when I was twenty-five.” The sticky dough was passed back and forth between Agatha’s hands and she kneaded it rhythmically until chubby logs were formed. “I had noticed him around town before — cruising down Main Street in his pimento-hued jalopy; one lanky arm, permanently marred with dots of trauma from his recurring bout with shingles, draped confidently over the side of the door. Grease the pan, Cecilia.”

“Mother, what’s a shingle?” Cecilia asked as she moved the stick of oleo along the cookie tray, edges of which were blackened from years of use. Agatha ignored her child’s inquiry as she methodically bathed each log of dough in a lake of sugar; she was lost in thought.

“We always seemed to be at Barb’s Taffy Stand at the same time. My mama said it was serendipity, but I argued that he was tailing me. Not wanting to surrender, I’d fixate on the wide, colorful bands of chewy sugar being pulled and stretched by metal arms, pretending not to notice that he was standing well inside normal human comfort zones, with his cowlick prominent and glistening from a daub of pomade, and his butterfly knife tucked into the front pocket of his jeans. I tried to ignore the acrid redolence of chewing tobacco bred with halitosis and a marinade of anchovies as he breathed his order for banana taffy too close to my nostrils.”

Agatha squirted several drops of red food coloring into a bowl and began folding it into the goo, creating sanguine swirls among the stark white frosting. She continued her tale, in no need of prodding.

“One day, we ended up in the same room together. I pretended to be immersed in a gossip rag, but every time I glanced up, I spied him making lewd gestures at me from across the room.”

“What kind of gestures, Mother?” Cecilia asked, dropping dough logs too-close-together on the tray.

“Well, like the universal sign for cunnilingus,” Agatha ruminated, quickly lashing her tongue between v-spread fingers, in an impetuous demonstration.

With Cecilia nodding to show her comprehension, Agatha continued. “After a few minutes, he sidled up next to me and whispered, ‘Hey broad, let’s blow this abortion clinic.'”

“Didn’t he mean ‘popsicle stand’?” Cecilia scrutinized.

“Oh, no dear,” Agatha chuckled. “We really were in an abortion clinic. He was there delivering pizzas and I was there—” She stopped when she saw Cecilia’s face, constricted with horror. “Oh honey, no!” laughed Agatha. “I wasn’t there to abort you. But let’s just say that if I hadn’t gone back the next day, you’d have a big brother or sister. Possibly inbred,” she mused.

“So,” Agatha continued, extracting the first batch of baked cookies from the oven. “Against my better judgment, I began seeing him. We’d meet up behind the bait shop, under the rusted train trestle, sometimes on an honest to goodness mattress. I kind of started to like him.” Agatha stared out the rain-streaked window.

“What went wrong, Mother?” Cecilia asked, her face furnished with curiosity and chicken pox scars.

Agatha seemed to bristle momentarily, but then forged on with the story. “I found out he was seeing someone else. Nancy Jenkins, the proprietor of the town bordello. They shared a Winnebago together, and kept it parked near the river bank where together they could share the perfect view of the sunset. I tried to be OK with being the mistress, his dirty secret, his fat-bottomed hussy, but my father told me that I deserved better than that, even despite my cleft palate.

“So I told him he had to break up with her,” Agatha recounted as she slid the cookies onto a cracked serving platter. “He seemed angry at my audacity, and I saw his hand gravitate, almost instinctively, toward his knife. But then he turned and left without a fight; I fear I’d never see him again. The next night, he showed up at my doorstep, holding out a red velvet ring box.”

Cecilia’s cookie-frosting came to a halt and she smiled up at her mother expectantly. Agatha finished dabbing the tip of Cecilia’s neglected cookie with a flourish of crimson frosting before continuing.

“I thought to myself, ‘This is it, Aggie. Someone’s finally going to make an honest woman of you,’ and I gingerly accepted the gift from his out-stretched hand. But there was no ring inside, Cecilia. Not even a pendant or a brooch.”

“Not even a key to his Winnebago?” Cecilia asked, befuddled.

“Not even a key.” Agatha licked her lips, gummy from being so chatty. “Inside that box, resting gently atop the velvet innards, was a finger.”

“A WHAT?”

“…a blue-nailed finger,” Agatha calmly repeated. “I never meant for him to kill her! It was all a misunderstanding,” Agatha rushed, assuaging Cecilia from conniptioning. “‘I said break up with her, not break her!‘ I hollered at him. He laughed and said, ‘Well babe, same end result either way, am I right?'”

“You left him after that, right Mother? You ran real fast, right? Tell me it’s so.”

“Well, not exactly, sweetheart. I had to stay with him…”

“…because you were pregnant with me? He got you pregnant didn’t he? He’s my real daddy isn’t he? And not that clown from the circus who stole our refrigerator!”

“Oh honey, no,” Agatha laughed into the tray of tampon-shaped cookies, freshly baked for the upcoming Menstruation Masquerade; it would be Cecilia’s first time attending. “It was because he had an enormous cock!”

[Originally published January 8, 2008. Reposted because I can do shit like that.]

Blake & Haley’s Baby Shower!

 where i try to act social
May 092017
 

You know how you pick a date for a party and you’re like, “Oh I have so much time” and then it’s the day of the party and you shut the front door on people and make them stand on the front porch because you’re not ready and why did so many come early when usually everyone comes late or not at all?!

Yeah, that was us on Sunday before Blake and Haley’s baby shower.

Luckily, I had the smarts to decorate the night before, so that was one less thing on the list that I had to break my neck trying to accomplish.

I love/hate decorating! Henry doesn’t know this yet, but we’re swapping out those letters for a G D R A G O N.

Or at the very least: K P O P.

He’ll be fine with it, don’t worry. #StockholmSyndrome

Blake and Haley have a mutual love for cacti and succulents, and they had a distinct woodland theme all up on that baby registry, so I was like CACTI AND FOXES IT IS. Henry said he would bake sugar cookies, and I was like OK cool you should do that Friday night, but he picked that moment to suddenly have a mind of his own and said Nah I’ll do that Saturday.

And then guess what happened? He fucked those cookies high up to the heavens and then sucker punched them down to the hell.

We went to bed angry.

He woke up at one point and mumbled, “I used too much butter. That’s what it was…”

When I woke up Sunday morning, he was already out of bed, making a new batch of those motherbitchin’ cookies.

And then he left me alone with them and several bags of icing while he took Chooch to piano lessons because neither of us had the foresight to cancel the lesson since we had a gazillion things to do, and then on top of that the fucking Pittsburgh marathon was happening so Henry couldn’t get to any of the Asian markets he frequents on Sunday in order to procure last minute ingredients pertinent to the appetizer recipes we picked out, so our kimbap had no damn daikon and the tteokbokki kkochu was just fried tteok with whatever sauce he came up with on the fly.

SUCH SAD.

Anyway, me and the cookies, alone in the kitchen. Good goddammit I might be able to kind of doodle and maybe I could pass with a C- in Painting, but when it comes to arting with icing?

I AM ALL THUMBS.

I cried.

I raged.

I did that thing where I make like I’m going to kick a hole in the wall but then I stop at the last second and just scream instead.

You know that thing.

You do it too.

YOU DO.

Finally I motherfucked the bags of icing because they were making my CLENCHED FISTS shake too much, and I opted for the medium beloved by my preschool brethren.

That goo-goo ga-ga go-to.

That fingerpainting formula.

It mostly worked, but I was so angry and stressed out by the time Henry and Chooch came home that I could barely hear their compliments overtop the rage-ringing in my ears.

I was in the kitchen for a really long time doing this! Like 35 minutes! When all  wanted to do was Kpopx! (I have a problem. At least it’s not heroin, though?)

I was putting last minute touches on the foxes when people started arriving and the stress and HURRYHURRY of the situation found my hands stained with ink-black icing, which I inadvertently spread to my mouth and teeth because that’s how I clean myself.

So when I opened the door to let everyone in, Blake immediately followed his hello with, “Were you eating…chocolate?”

ALL OVER MY MOUTH AND TEETH.

You know who said nothing about this and let me open the door to a host of party-people?

HENRY.

He said he didn’t notice.

You know why he didn’t notice?

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T LOOK AT ME.

Anyway.

The shower!

Here are the people who came:

Judy, Kelly, Sam, and Steph

My mom

Janna

Chris and Monica

Blake’s friends Tyler and Bob

Christy

Kara

Their main shower was the day before, this was just for Henry’s side of the family and my friends to dump all of the baby goods on Blake and Haley. So it was super caj and low-key. Which was great for Haley because she seemed pretty exhausted. We didn’t make them play any weirdo games or anything. They got to lounge around, eat, be annoyed/entertained by Chooch, and then open presents.

Chill and food-filled. The best kind of party.

I kept changing my mind with the cake and before I knew it, the shower was a week away. Luckily, Bethel Bakery was beyond accommodating and whipped up this babe for us (the inside had blood orange buttercream, STFU). We stuck with the woodland/fox theme and Blake & Haley seemed to like it so that’s all that matters in the end!

Henry and I only almost killed each other 4x over the cake-ordering, but who’s counting.

When Blake was here for Chooch’s birthday party, he asked if his baby shower was going to be Korean themed. I promised him I wouldn’t do that and that we could just have standard party food, but then he said, “I mean, if you want to have Korean food…”

“Do you want me to have Korean food?”

“….maybe?” he said with a suggestive shrug.

“That means yes!” I said later to Henry, but then that was quickly followed with, “I can’t tell if he’s just instigating me though….” and Henry just laughed because Blake has always instigated me when it comes to my obsessions.

Nevertheless, we added some Korean fare and flair to the party in the way of daikon-less kimbap (boo) and some Henry-bastardization of tteok kkochi, as previously mentioned. Everyone was like “this is good” but in my heart, I knew what it was supposed to taste like, and this was just “so-so.”

(Sorry Henry but you know it’s true!)

When Christy arrived, she said, “I guess I’ll just put my present down here on the…wheelchair,” and then she looked around the room at everyone with this, “Erin is a fucking weirdo, amirite guys?” We’ve known each other since we were 4 years old so really nothing I do shocks her…ever.

Don’t let this picture fool you – the guys were REALLY INTO the presents. Blake especially was like freaking the fuck out over last onesie and washcloth. He’s easily excitable.

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I made this cacti painting for Calvin’s nursery, which doesn’t match their theme at all, but cacti! It was the first painting I’ve made in months. Ruts, you know?

“How long is this flag banner going to stay up?” Henry asked after it got snagged on his hat for the millionth time since it was initially hung for Chooch’s surprise party last week.

“Forever,” I said with a smile. I love it. PARTY DECORATIONS FOREVER.

Things took a turn when Chooch asked if his neighbor friend Marky could come in; everyone said No! and I said Sure! because I love how annoyed he makes everyone. Chooch put on some YouTube video of a guy pretending to package up his family and mail them to wherever they were going on vacation…??? I’m not exactly sure what was going on other than this family thought they were SO FUCKING FUNNY with all their basic white walls in their McMansion.

Anyway, every time a family member would get into the box, Marky started gleefully chanting, “SUCFFOCATE! YEAH! SUFFOCATE THEM! KILL THEM! DIE! DIE!”

Welcome to the darkest baby shower ever.

I’m not sure if this picture was taken before or after Henry made some flip comment about, “She ran away and became lesbian” at which point time stood still, an ostrich ran backwards across the dining room floor, a tea cup full of blood hovered midair, and Monica broke through the barrier to say, “No, that’s not how any of this happens.”

GOOD JOB, HENRY. This is why we don’t have friends!

(Well, it’s usually because of me. But still.)

Then Chooch came in and did some spontaneous Beyonce squat, slapped himself on the ass, grabbed some chips, and left the room.

My mom brought artichoke dip and Picky Chooch was all, “Ew that sounds gross,” because he hates everything that’s not perched atop a waffle cone or from a vending machine (j/k, he likes grilled cheese too), so Monica slyly said, “That’s Chris’s favorite.”

“Really!?” Chooch exclaimed, spooning a huge dollop onto his plate. He is like obsessed with Chris (that said “Christ” at first and I really considered leaving it as that) to the point that Monica probably fears that Chooch will suffocate her (Monica) in her sleep.

Or have Marky do it.

In any case, Chooch now loves artichoke dip and when he found out my mom made it, he told me to tell her she’s hired.

“Marky wants to ride in the wheelchair, so I’m just going to take him out back,” Chooch casually said, filling Monica’s head with images of Marky rolling up to her house in the middle of the night in a creaky wheelchair, knife in hand.

The parents-to-be!

We’re all so excited to meet baby Calvin next month. These two are going to be great parents!

So yeah, another baby shower in the books! I think I’m taking a hiatus from party-throwing though. Two in a week was a bit much even for me! Um, and apologies to the shower guests for any Marky-inspired nightmares they’ve been having since Sunday. Any other offensive remarks that may have been/were definitely made.

Monday Fingerhearts

 music, Obsessions, Reporting from Work, Uncategorized
May 082017
 

“What’s wrong? Why are you so flushed?” Amber asked me this morning as she walked by my desk. 

I took a few seconds to compose myself before squealing, “I just watched this G-Dragon video,” at which point there was a collective groan of “oh my god” all around me. 

But then I let her watch it and she became obsessed with trying to make fingerhearts and by obsessed I mean she practiced doing it for like 15 seconds and then went back to being a professional adult while Glenn was using his hostage eyes to plead for her to take him with her as she walked away.

https://instagram.com/p/BTxyZnGDB0t/

Every time I made someone watch this video today, I would giddily whisper, “OMG what’s he looking for? Oh, oh! Fingerhearts.” And then I would clutch my heart and swoon. 

Wendy thought this was dumb but then she too tried to accomplish the perfect heart-shaped placement of the fingers. 

She was watching me do it and cried, “Why can’t I do it? My fingers won’t do it right! Why?”

“Because they’re yours,” I shrugged. 

“I couldn’t imagine what he was going to pull out of his pocket,” Todd said. “But then it was just fingerhearts. That’s time I’ll never get back.”

Whatever.  Lauren thought it was adorable. And Glenn is probably at home right now waving fingerhearts in front of his baby daughter’s face. 

맛있어요!

 Uncategorized
May 062017
 

Several years ago, Henry and I attempted to go to the Korean Food Bazaar at the Korean Church in Shadyside, but it was packed. Just driving by caused my heart rate to skyrocket at the hand of social anxiety.  But this year, I was determined! I wanted to eat all of the food that I basically eat everyday, only cooked by real Koreans and not my fake Korean chef Henry.

(He is actually pretty freaking good at cooking Korean cuisine: give the man some gochujang and dangmyeon and he’ll give you a good time. You know, in your mouth. Ugh, you know what I mean.)

Chooch and Judy came too. Chooch was relatively reluctant because he hates most food no matter the ethnicity, but Judy was all in. She even called Henry last night to make sure we were still taking her. Ever since she ate kimbap at Robbie and Nikki’s baby shower here at our house, she has been wanting to try more.

On the way to Shadyside, Judy casually mused that she had never been there. 

“Um, didn’t you grow up there?” Henry asked. 

Judy considered this and then said, “Oh yeah” and suddenly all these memories came rushing back to her, of dragging her dog to a dog show at the Hunt Armory  and falling off a garage roof and going to the hospital. 

We got to the church shortly after the food festival started (and after Chooch and I beat Henry and Judy in a race to the ground level of the parking garage – they took the elevator while we stampeded down the steps, and the people in the elevator with Henry & Judy were all, “Aw man” when they saw that they LOST and then accused us of cheating?! Uh sorry guys, get on our level.

It was a whole thing you had to be there.

Anyway! There was already a decent crowd congregating at the church by the time we rolled up so we just started blindly throwing money at the vendors while we had the chance. First we snagged some fish-shaped buns, mung bean jeon, and hotteok which was my favorite thing I ate all day.

Hot Korean pancakes oozing with sugar and honey? YES AND PLEASE MOTHER MAY I HAVE ANOTHER.

I didn’t even get a picture.

Chooch ate his fish bun like it was the created thing he’s ever extracted from a pillowcase after trick or treating.

“See?! I told you red bean is an amazing flavor!” I said.

“This isn’t red bean,” he snarfled around a mouthful of fried dough. “See?” He held it up to show me the beautiful, thick red bean paste all up inside that fish-shaped bun. I insisted that it was indeed red bean paste, to which he cried, “Oh my god, red bean is so good!”

NO SHIT, IDIOT WHITE BOY.

Ugh.

Inside the church was a hot cluster. I just felt like I was in everyone’s way (because I was) and Old Erin probably would have left and sat in the car, but New Erin was all, “I GOT THIS (Henry, hold my hand)!” We got some mul naengmyeon for Judy and cleaned up on various banchan to take home, including lotus root, bellflower, the greatest kimchi I’ve ever tasted this side of Korea, persimmon punch, chappsaltteok, and sikhye (a fucking delicious rice drink).

#heaven

I was worried that Judy wouldn’t like her mul narngmyeon because it’s a cold dish and the first time I had it (meatless version), I was like “BITCH HEAT THIS UP” but then I loved it.

And Judy did too!

“I like this. I could make it over there in Korea, I think,” she said around a mouthful of perfectly cold noodles.  I mean, she likes BIGBANG too so she’s already halfway there.

Henry copied off me and got bibimbap. Also, he bought a package of soondae at the gentle persistence of a woman behind the table and I was like, “Oh god, ok, good luck with that, Hank.” Later, he asked, “So can you eat this? Is there meat in it?”

I was like, “Dude, it’s BLOOD SAUSAGE. It’s so much meat that my stomach hurts even talking about it so please stop. TOFU. SEITAN. TEMPEH. LETTUCE. SOY MILK. LALALALALA.”

When there’s no cereal or grilled cheese option at the Korean food festival.

Basically, Chooch will be living off fish-shaped buns and hotteok if we go to South Korea. There are worse diets out there.

I was practicing how to say things like, “What is that?” this morning but then I realized that if I ask a question in Korean, I’m going to get an answer in Korean and I probably/definitely won’t know what it means. I’m trying, guys. I might need a legit tutor though.  I get frustrated very easily which might come as a shock to some.

We stayed for about 2 and a half hours, but if the weather hadn’t been so cold and drizzly, I think we would have camped out a lot longer.  I didn’t even get any tteokbokki! (Henry makes it a lot at home though so at least I have that as an option. BUT STILL.)

I refused to leave without at least getting some patbingsu, and I liked it better than the one I had at Sumi’s Cakery, so that was a nice finish to a day of gorging on the food of (wish they were) my people.

We had a great time today, and Judy didn’t even offend anyone! (At least not while I was around. We did leave her unattended for about 30 minutes. Shit…)

Mock my k-diet if you want, but I feel better than I ever have my whole life. Kimchi 4lyfe!

Turmeric, Work Convos, Salty Candles: What are Things That You Find In a Bulletpoint Blog Post?

 Bullet Point Thoughts, Obsessions, Reporting from Work
May 042017
 

Plus random pictures. Bulletpoint posts: the true compost piles of blogging. We’ll start with a random picture of a thing in my house and go from there.

  • The other day, Chooch asked, “Remember your apple tattoo? Do you still have it?” Um you mean the one that takes up most of my upper right arm? Yes, it’s still there, son.
  • In order to get Chooch out of the house so that we could surprise him last Saturday, we arranged for Blake and Haley to take him to the gaming place on the Boulevard. I think this place is so dumb – just a room filled with TVs and computers where parents can abandon their children for hours on end, but Chooch and all his weird little friends love this place. Needless to say, Chooch has become chummy (lol, who even uses that word other than me, right now) with the guys who run the place, so Henry stopped up ahead of time and let them know the sitch. Basically, he started a tab which I didn’t even know you could do. He went back the next day to pay it, and Ed told him the total was like $43 or something. Henry was all, “OMG for what?!” So Ed showed him the long list of all of the snacks that Chooch had “purchased” in addition to the hourly rate ($5 a person – Ed is like the cheapest babysitter in town). So Henry came home and was like, “Chooch, the FUCK!?” at which point Chooch blamed Haley, and then Blake blamed Chooch, and this is just the funniest thing ever to me because Henry was so pained over it, haha.
    • When we went to visit Robbie & Nikki at the hospital after the twins were born, Chooch was all, “Robbie, do you want to go to the gaming place with me today?” Like yeah, little bro, I literally just became a dad but let me ditch the fam and sit in front of a computer for 5 hours with you.
  • Chooch is friends with these two younger kids that live on the street, and for the sake of not getting in trouble with parents, we’ll just call them J and M. Really though I’m not going to be dragging them through the mud or anything…this time. Anyway, J & M are friends with some kid from their grade named Wesley. I don’t know if he’s new or what but I haven’t heard shit about any Wesley until recently and now HE IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT. Let’s back up. Wesley lives a few streets away and I guess M & J aren’t allowed to go there alone, so they asked Super Brave and Responsible Fifth Grade Chooch to go with them one day. This was about a month ago, I guess. Chooch was reluctant, because he was already hanging out with TWO younger kids, why did he need to add a third to the crew, you know? But he went anyway, and by the time he came home he had been sufficiently infected with the Wesley Bug. “Wesley has TWO TRAMPOLINES,” he said, ruddy cheeks and out of breath from running all the way home in excitement. “AND A POODLE NAMED BELLA, A REALLY COOL OLDER BROTHER NAMED WADE, AND A MOM WHO COOKS!” So it’s been all Wesley, all the time ever since and I am like, “STFU ABOUT WESLEY AND HIS DUMB COOKING MOTHER ALREADY, GOD.” And then he started going to Wesley’s without J & M. “Wesley likes me better than them, anyway,” Chooch said all cockily the other day. “And he doesn’t act like he’s 8. He’s more mature than them.” Oh for God’s sake. So this has been going on for weeks now, this Wesley Mania. Monday night, he had JUST walked into the house after returning from Wesley’s when his phone rang. He answered it and put it on speaker which I absolutely hate, and without any salutation whatsoever, J’s whiny voice blasted through the speaker: “So you went to Wesley’s.” WOW. OK, POSSESSIVE. So Chooch hung up on him immediately and said, “Ugh, I thought I blocked him.” So then they had a text-fight, which had Chooch defending himself like a wife who can’t be trusted: “Oh, so now I need your permission to go to Wesley’s?” he texted, and the feud culminated with J texting: “Do you want to come over?” Ugh kids.
    • But really though: Wesley and Wade?

  • We took Henry’s mom to Bob Evans (I originally typed Bob’s Evan. Someone send my brain to the beach please) for her birthday the other night. On the way out, she picked up a jar out of a barrel and asked, “How much sodium do you think is in this?” Henry squinted at it and said, “Mom, that’s a candle.” We all had a good laugh, but then a few moments later, in the parking lot, she asked earnestly, “No but really, what’s worse – a lot of sodium, or a lot of salt?”
  • I’ve been taking turmeric supplement things for the last month or so, after several people recommended it. At first, Henry was like, “I AM NOT BUYING THIS, THAT’S DUMB” but then his mom randomly mentioned one day that she’s been taking turmeric because some talk show or Steve Harvey told her too, so now suddenly it’s not some witch doctor bullshit drug that can’t be trusted, so he bought me a bottle.  Today, after choking back my daily dose, I held the bottle up and said to Glenn, “I don’t feel any different at all.” He asked how long I had been taking them and I told him a month or so but admitted that there were days that I forgot, of course. “Well, what’s it supposed to do?” he asked, so I read the thing about helping with inflammation that’s all big and bold on the bottle. “But, I’m not particularly inflamed, though,” I said with a shrug, realizing that perhaps I didn’t need turmeric’s help after all. “No, you’re just inflaming,” Glenn muttered.
  • I CANT BELIEVE I AM GOING TO BE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS G-DRAGON.
  • Todd lost his ID badge (literally days after saving it from falling into a sewer grate which I just think is the funniest thing ever) so he asked me to go with him to Reception so he could get a temporary one. Look – I get it. I hate going to other floors alone too. Our department doesn’t really mingle much with other floors. Anyway, the receptionist asked me, “Do you need one too, or are you guys just traveling together?” For some reason, this made me laugh, because I started picturing us backpacking throughout the law firm.
    • “I don’t see you lasting very long as a backpacker,” Glenn said when I told him about this the next day. (LOOK, IT FELT LIKE A GREAT STORY AT THE TIME OK.) “Yeah I know. My backpack would just be filled with junk,” I said in total agreement.
      • Interestingly, this was the second time that day I found myself in a conversation about backpacks. The first was earlier that morning when I told Lauren that my high school backpack was full of toys. She wasn’t surprised.

  • One of my co-workers is grooming me to take over editing our department’s Wiki page after she retires. I don’t want to make it sound like it’s a big deal but it’s a big deal ok. Anyway, she was off several days last week so I thought it would be fun to replace the WELCOME SPRING picture with a picture of my horrible candy bowl, with the caption “Come get some.” It lasted two days before Cheryl came back and replaced it. My group had our weekly meeting on Monday and My Favorite Work Friend Amber (and this has nothing to do with the fact that she has the ability to deny my PTO requests now) thanked me for revamping our group’s reference page, which launched me on a crybaby tangent about how apparently I can be given rights to edit all this shit but god forbid I should ever change the picture. “Cheryl took down my pumpkin and replaced it with some dumb, generic tree,” I whined. The next day, I found out from Glenn that the “dumb, generic” tree picture was Gayle’s and I know this because he forwarded me an email from her that said “That dumb generic tree picture is mine.”  OOPS SORRY GAYLE but this is very funny to me now! I told Henry and when I couldn’t stop laughing, he was like, “how do you have any friends at work?” Apparently Lauren knew this also and said she didn’t have a chance to kick me before I went any deeper into my freshly dug grave.
  • Sometime after buying MY G-DRAGON TICKETS on Tuesday, I was walking back from the kitchen when Amber, who was ahead of me, stopped and asked if Henry and I booked a hotel yet for the show. “No, but I’d sleep on someone’s floor if I had to, I don’t even care!” I said, still riding that high of snagging VIP tickets. “What if you slept on G-DRAGON’s floor?” Amber goaded, and then I got all dreamy-eyed and weird and yelled, “Ugh, why did you have to say that now I can’t stop thinking about G-Dragon’s floor!” and this was right as we rounded the corner to where our desks are, so Glenn heard the tail-end. “How long do we have to hear about this?” he asked in annoyance. “She started it!” I cried, pointing at Amber. “I was just walking along quietly and she brought it up!” UGH.
  • The other day, I popped into CVS on my break and the old lady at he register flipped out over my phone case and started calling her co-workers over to see it. The manager, a youngish guy somewhere in his 20s I guess, asked my permission  to Snapchat it and I was like, “Go for it?” I’ve had it for over a year so it’s a bit worn, but here it is:

  • Speaking of my phone, I actually left it on my desk when I left yesterday and had to come back up to get it. Lori was like HOW. I’m mean really, this case makes my phone 3x bigger it feels like yet I still somehow left without it
  • Remember when I wasted 7 years of my life obsessing over Jonny Craig, completely unaware that G-Dragon was only 6,781 miles away? LE SIGH.
  • The other day, Chooch came home (from Wesley’s, ugh) and his hand was bleeding but he didn’t know why. While Henry was calmly asking him questions (such as “did you fall”), I was busy screaming, “STIGMATA!”
  • Todd just sadly admitted that some of this Kpop stuff is sticking with him and that if he mentioned it to any of his friends they’d be like, “…………..”
  • I’m really excited for Henry to stand in the pit at this G-Dragon show and wave a light stick.  “He should just use a lighter. Maybe there’s an open flame rule and he can get kicked out. Tell him to start planning ahead,” Glenn suggested after I showed him pictures of what light sticks are in the Kpop world.

  • OMG you guys! Last night, Chooch and I went for a walk to the boulevard when guess who we ran into?! DAVID FUCKERBITCH. Chooch was like, “Oh god no, please don’t, oh god” but it was too late – I had whipped out my best glare and wouldn’t let him out of my sight. He was on his bike with some other hooligan, and he kept trying to get Chooch’s attention but Chooch was all, “NOT TODAY. NOT WITH MY MOM. SHE’S A LOOSE CANNON” so he pulled me into CVS and away from conflict, but not before I loudly said, “THEY LOOK LIKE HOOLIGANS” which is clearly my favorite word to use in this situation. Chooch just rolled his eyes and we moved on with our lives, until after CVS when we continued down the boulevard to go to Scoops, and DAVID LOSERVILLE was back, tooling around on his bike in front of the Las Palmas taco cart. We were waiting to cross the street when he wheeled on over to us, licking his FunDip or whatever dumb candy he had that was turning his vulgar tongue blue. He just sat there, leaning on the handlebars of his bike, staring and smiling at Chooch, trying to get a  reaction from her. “Is there a problem?” I asked, causing Chooch to groan. “No, I’m just going to stare at him until he looks at me,” David Toothrot replied in an obnoxiously sing-song voice. “AWKWARD,” I said, as the light turned and we were finally able to cross the street. “YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE,” Chooch spat. “As if it’s not already bad enough that I’m walking down the boulevard WITH MY MOM.” OMG ew, shut your face, Chooch! I’m way cooler than a mom. And besides, we were going to get ice cream while David BrokedownBike was out there, I don’t know, panhandling or whatever it was he was doing. It was 8:30 at night – GO HOME KID.
    • By the time we got home, I was so amped up over this run-in. I excitedly filled in Henry, who just frowned and said, “Wow Erin, that’s great. Are you happy now?” WHY YES, I AM.
    • I came to work and told Glenn and Todd, and they were just like, “Wow. Way to bully a fifth grader.” Then Todd said I should create a fake Instagram, like I’m a kid, so I can bully him and I was like, “THAT’S A GREAT IDEA I COULD CATFISH HIM TOO” and Todd quickly said, “I WAS KIDDING DON’T DO THAT!” while Glenn was like, I don’t know, beating his head off the desk.
  • I decided a few hours ago that I was going to be nice to Wendy today but then just now I told her she’s dumb, so maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. It should be easy since she won’t be here.

And we’ll end on a beautiful G-Dragon note because I’M GOING TO SEE HIM ON BIRTHDAY.

eff yeah, GD!!

 Uncategorized
May 022017
 

I’m going to see G-Dragon! ON MY BIRTHDAY! Everyone at work was on PINS & NEEDLES (lol) when tickets went on sale today, and now they’re split between being excited for me and thinking I’ve lost my mind for splurging on one of the VIP packages but YOLO and TAX REFUND, etc. 

Henry is going to look so adorable in the special VIP box with me and all the screaming girls! 

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!11111111

Lauren said she wished she had a picture of my face because it looked so adorable and I’m pretty sure Glenn quietly dry-heaved behind my back. 

Today rules!

did you ever wonder about the dread on my tongue. 

 Uncategorized
May 012017
 

PVRIS is back!

Ahhhhhh I have so many thoughts right now but none of them are very intelligible. In fact, while I was watching it, I couldn’t stop saying “oh my god” in a creepy deep-throat. 

Then I woke up Henry by (LIGHTLY) slapping his face & hoarsely breathing, “PVRIS has a new song.  HENRY – PVRIS HAS A NEW SONG…..and it’s magnificent.”

And the video is pure Hitchcockian art. I hope it’s part of a bigger narrative, and knowing PVRIS – it probably is 

I’m so excited right now HOW WILL I EVER SLEEP. 

Completely unrelated: Here are two pictures of Drew. 


11th Birthday Recap

 Uncategorized
May 012017
 

IMG_0625 IMG_0614

My birthdays were always 100% solid when I was a kid. My Pappap made sure of that! My expectations are always stupid high now though and guess what THERE IS NO PAPPAP MAKING SHIT HAPPEN FOR ME ANYMORE.

LOL.

Just kidding, I’m crying.

Because they were always so special to me, I always try hard to make Chooch’s special and memorable too. Maybe he doesn’t give a shit about it right now, but hopefully one day when he’s older and no one babies him anymore on his dumb birthday, he’ll go home and call up on my blog by pointing at the air in front of him and the words will twist themselves into a holographic recreation of whatever birthday he’s reading about so he’ll get to experience it all over again, even the stench of his shitty diaper at his first birthday party and the sound of my friend Lauren’s son breaking his arm at Chooch’s 7th birthday party at the roller rink.

That’s what I imagine the future will be like, OK?

Just in case it’s like that, here is what we did on his actual birthday, which fell on a Tuesday:

First, we had dinner at Bado’s. Our waiter was a young ditzy boy who might have been still in high school, who can tell these days. He didn’t spill anything on us, at least.

It was also BALLOON NIGHT at Bado’s and at first I thought it was going to be annoying as fuck, but when the balloon lady wheeled her cart of latex (that could have been so much cooler) to our table, she was actually pretty awesome and we had a splendid conversation with her, which culminated with she and Chooch sharing pictures of their cats with each other.

Henry couldn’t have been more uncomfortable, like she was going to ask him if he wanted a balloon thong or VHS porno.

(It’s been a long day.)

Behind Henry was a booth with two guys and their super young kids. It was less My Two Dads and more The Wives Made Us Take the Kids Out with Us, What Do We Do? How About Just Ignore Them.

I thought Henry was actually going to turn around and say something at one point but nope. True to form, he just sighed and mindlessly scrolled through his phone.

The food was OK, though!

Afterward, Chooch insisted on going to Chuck E. Cheese.

“At first I was just joking….but now I kind of want to go,” he sheepishly told me that morning. Ugh, FML. He was all impressed that I was playing games, but it was just because I was trying to burn through the tokens faster so we could leave.

ANYTHING TO MAKE THE KID SMILE, I GUESS, UGH.

That balloon lady was so legit, though.

***

Meanwhile, we had been planning a surprise party for him on Saturday. If we’re being honest, I almost let this birthday pass us by without a party but then I decided to go the surprise route because we’ve never done that to him yet and I love fucking with the kid. 

We kept it small and chill. 

Because one day he might want to look up the guest list of some arbitrary childhood birthday party as the determining factor of whether he should a grudge against someone (totally not at all something I would ever be petty enough to do), here is the guest list. If you’re on it, odds are you’re safe. (For now.)

  • Blake & Haley (our helpers in keeping Chooch away from the house, god bless them)
  • Chris & Monica
  • Janna
  • Kara, Harland, Theo
  • My mom 
  • Judy
  • Chris, Kari, Katelyn
  • Wonka, Jess, Cosi, Anais
  • Ricky & Dawn (they had the fun task of hiding their hearse somewhere Chooch wouldn’t see it lol)
  • Henry’s sister, Zac & Brian

My house is super small so that was a lot of people to cram up in there, quietly to boot! I was so nervous because Chooch is a wildcard. You never know how he will react. I was worried he might get upset or punch me so I threw out the script where I cried “Surprise! We’re putting you up for adoption!” and went with the more traditional “Surprise!” /end

I bought a confetti cannon too, and decided that henry was the only one qualified to use it, you know, since he was in the Service and I was just a measly GIRL SCOUT. 

Finally, it was 7:30 and Chooch returned home with Blake & Haley…

His froyo, tho!

He was genuinely surprised! We had a few close calls, like when he was watching videos on Henry’s phone and got a notification that I updated his surprise party even page on Facebook…..

I pretended like his dinner at Tillies last week was supposed to be the surprise but then no one aside my brother and mom and Judy could make it. He never mentioned it again. 

The theme was “butterflies” since he abhors  them. My favorite thing about this cake was not the taste (it was just so-so), but the fact that DeLuca’s Bakery kept the Shutterstock watermark on it. 

I even got him a purple tiara with a butterfly on it and of course snapped Mary a picture of him wearing it. I was off my game that night. 


I promised that there wouldn’t be any Korean stuff and even put on the Penguins game for everyone. We beat the Capitals 6-2!

The back porch really came in handy because there were so many people crammed into my clown car of a house, so Kara & her kids, Chronica, Haley, Blake, & Chooch migrated out there and watched Chooch put together his Nano Block sets. 

I mean, they probably talked, too, I would imagine. 

Chooch was really obnoxious and borderline rude when he was opening his presents, which was very early on in the night. I’m hoping it was just because he was still overwhelmed and not because THIS IS ELEVEN. Several times I flat out told him to stop being rude. But then once attention was off him, he seemed like regular Chooch again. 

Good, because I wasn’t impressed with his newfound cockiness. 

I was going to wrap a box of toothpicks as a gift, but I thought that might push him over the edge. It didn’t stop some of my friends from making perfectly-callous references to it, though. I love my friends. 

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My hope is that Chooch will look back on these parties and know that he’s loved. 

I just told him this was his last birthday party ever and he got really sad, lol. 

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