I woke up all stressed about getting the house cleaned and everything prepared for tonight’s dinner thing, but then I exercised and listened to unlimited Taemin and had a nice big ugly cry and I think I’m ready.

Plus I weighed in at my lowest weight in like 15 years today! If I lose 2 ounces before January 1, I can officially say that I started the year in the 170s and ended in the 140s and I can honestly say that I had so much fun accomplishing that.

OK, Henry’s side-eyeing me so I guess I should go back to helping him. I’ll post pictures of the food and stuff soon!

Ugh, it was so cold on Christmas and while I would have preferred to stay inside, keeping warm with non-stop kpop workouts, I dragged Henry and Chooch to the cemetery because even though we cut out the hassle of the Christmas picnic this year (which sucks because how magical would cemetery kimbap be!?), I still wanted to get some photos of Chooch — you know, TRADITION, etc etc.

But it was extremely ill-planned and painfully cold, like “Call CPS, these idiots are forcing their kid into a frostbitten state” cold.

So we wrapped it up after about 15 minutes and decided to just wait for a day when it’s warmer than in the teens. Plus, Chooch’s pants had cat hair all over them, so….

Hope it’s warmer where you are, friends.

Here are some things I don’t want to forget in the midst of holiday madness.

• There was a stand-off several houses up from ours a few weeks ago. I thought it was just some lame excuse that Henry made up so that he wouldn’t have to pick me up from work, saying that our car was blocked by several police cars and that the road was closed. “There are police walking around on our street with guns drawn,” he texted and I was like, “How many?” “A lot,” followed by pictures of the SWAT team suiting up in the parking lot across from our house so I was a believer at that point. Eventually, Henry said they were putting some old, frail man in handcuffs into the back of a police car, while a lady and kid were talking to other officers in the parking lot. When Henry described which house it was, I realized that it was the same one that just a week before had a bunch of fire trucks and ambulances in front of it when Chooch and I went on our nightly walk. On the way back, we saw the ambulance leaving with someone in the back. I wonder if this was related!? Henry said he heard the cops say “negotiate” into the bullhorn. At first my mind immediately went to “domestic issue” but now I’m wondering if it was a suicide attempt?! Of course it wasn’t on the news so it probably didn’t involve drugs, I guess.
• • My gut-reaction was to rant about how we have to move ASAP, but then it made me think about how it doesn’t matter how nice or how shitty your neighborhood is, this stuff happens everywhere. There was just a really bad stand-off a few years ago a street away from where Janna lives, in the same SUPER NICE, WHITE PICKET FENCE area I grew up in as well, plus we went to high school with way too many people who have since OD’d or been straight-up murdered over drugs.
• The other day when I was at work, Chooch started rapid-fire messaging me about Got7, because he apparently imprinted on them somehow even after seeing their videos/hearing their songs a millions times from me — I guess this was something that just needed to happen on his own terms, organically, but he is suddenly shook by Got7 and I’m ok with this because we need other fandoms in this house. (I’m a VIP and Henry is totally a Blackjack.)

• On one of our walks the other day, Chooch said “sick” for the fortieth time and I snapped out and yelled, “Ugh stop saying that it’s so annoying!” I don’t know why it was bothering me, I guess I’m just getting old? Anyway, it reminded me of a time from when I was friends with Christina (RIP best friendship of my whole life that was also the biggest disaster, aren’t they all) and she would say “my bad” constantly (probably because she was always fucking up around me!!). I just lost it this one time and yelled, “I HATE WHEN YOU SAY THAT! IT’S SO DUMB!” when it never bothered me anytime someone would say it. I made her start saying “personal error” instead and then eventually let her shorten it to “per err.” I guess Chooch was actually paying attention when I told him this story on our walk (usually he just kicks rocks and waits impatiently for me to wrap it up so he can start talking about math equations or corgis) because now he says “personal error” hahaha.
• There is a stink bug flying around my house as I type this and I’m the only person in the world who is not bothered by these creatures. In fact, I try to save them.
• Now I’m at work.
• My friend Courtney  made me these cutie Golden Girl magnets! One can never have enough Golden Girls memorabilia around the house, I always say.
• Chooch and I started watching “I’m Not a Robot” to combat our sadness. It’s a good show but I’m mostly excited that it was Chooch’s idea to start watching a new Korean drama, when he has, up until now, been pretty uninterested in that part of the whole Hallyu wave. (Trying to get that kid to watch Running Man with us is like trying to get him to take medicine.)

• Speaking of “me n’ Chooch,” here we are unintentionally matching a few weeks ago. This picture sucks because Henry took it.
• • Also, shout out to the random wig on the floor underneath the stool.
• Me: “I should wish my Mexican taco cart boyfriend a….merry Mexican Christmas” Henry: “Feliz Navidad.” Me: “That’s what I said.” (Honestly though, things are really heating up with my Mexican taco cart boyfriend. I tried to wave to him the one night we were walking past but  my hand got stuck in my coat pocket and I tugged it out with so much force that I almost punched myself in the face. I WONDER IF HE WOULD HAVE CONSOLED ME IF THAT HAPPENED?)
• I was at the post office in the next town over last week, which is my favorite post office because it has that old small-town charm about it and everyone knows the sleepy postal workers. On this particular day, the older man in front of me got a phone call and his fucking ringtone was HELLO MOTO. Holy shit did that take me back. I mean, not all the way to back to Mayberry times, but definitely to the early 00s which seem like another lifetime ago. Then I started thinking about how I avoided getting a cell phone until the winter of 2006 because I hated the idea of people being able to reach me anywhere, but then I was about to have a baby and decided that maybe it would be nice to have a cell phone in case I went into labor in the bathroom of the Cathedral of Learning or whatever. #PregnantInCollege
• I was about to write some things about the Jonghyun aqua moon phenomenon but when I went to get the link, I re-read the thing and then started to cry at my desk, so you can just read the thing for yourself I guess. I’m having a hard time with this one.
• When he doesn’t even trust you to microwave noodles:

• I took a half day yesterday and was really looking forward to that all morning, almost like it was an early dismissal from school. I don’t know why I was so excited, because it’s not like I had anything planned. HOWEVER, I had to take the T home and for some reason, it took over 30 minutes for the one I needed to come and I thought maybe I was just overreacting in my mind, but the lady next to me was like, “WTF WHERE ARE ALL OF THE RED LINES THREE OF THEM SHOULD HAVE COME AND GONE BY NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THEM WHEN THEY GET TO THE NORTH SHORE?!” and I was like, “Wow, my level of anger is finally appropriate for the situation!” so then I raged along with the lady and then we had a cathartic chuckle when a red line trolley finally rolled up, only for there to be some kind of “situation” on the track later on, which caused us to have to sit in a stationary trolley for 40 MINUTES IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET HOME WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE ONLY TAKEN A HALF HOUR TOPS I WAS SO MAD AND I TOOK IT OUT ON HENRY WHEN HE CAME HOME LATER UGH.
• When we took Chooch to apply for his passport, he was fixated on the fact that they “only come in blue” and that he couldn’t choose a different color. So I got him this corgi passport cover for Christmas, which is also Union Jack themed – he’s a total anglophile and if he had his way, his first stamp would be from England. TOO BAD SONNY BOY, IT’S GONNA BE FROM S. KOREA, DEAL WITH IT.
• For our Korean dinner party on Saturday, Henry and I have been making kpop teacups and banchan bowls out of glassware we bought at Goodwill. It’s been a lot of fun (except for when Henry fucks one up and I’m forced to whip him) and I’m pretty obsessed with it now, especially after the BIGBANG dessert tray we made today came out looking like a fucking heirloom. I’ll post all the pictures once we have them all done!
• I had a flashback on Christmas to this time when I was in second grade and my aunt Sharon took me to the computer store in Pleasant Hills because she said her goddaughter Nicky, this ginger girl who was the same age as me and I lowkey hated her because I thought Sharon liked her more than me (I know, that doesn’t sound like me at all!), was getting a computer for Christmas and Sharon wanted me to pick out some games for her. Since I didn’t like Nicky, I went straight for MATHBLASTERS because I personally thought it sounded like a terrible game because I hated math. Well guys guess what? Turns out I was the one getting a computer (an Apple II GS!) and Sharon was using the Nicky slant as a guise to help her gauge which games she should get me. UGH, FOILED. I hated that ficking game so much. I was awful at it! But I loved that computer, though. And the printer that came with the green and white lined paper that had to be perfectly lined up with the holes in the printer or else it wouldn’t feed through properly and the whole thing would just shit the bed.
• • I still hate printers so fucking much.
  • And math.

Um, I think that’s all I have to say for now.

I only had one goal for Christmas 2017 and that was to not ruin the day for anyone. I THINK I did OK. Chooch seemed very thankful and content with what was under the Trudytree, the cats immediately fought over their toys, and Henry diligently made sure we were all safe and nourished.

I have nothing to complain about and even though I still wasn’t my “normal” “vibrant” self (lol all the way down the chimney), I ran down my Happy List over and over all day long and made sure there was no room for negative thoughts.

Sometimes it’s really all about mind control and conscious effort. It sucks when you just want to lay in bed and let the misery consume you, because that’s easier and let’s face it, if I was alone that is probably exactly what I would have done, because the Christmas cycle is strong. I can’t tell you how many times as a teenager my depression would win over and I would flip out at my grandparent’s house on Christmas, run home in tears, and eat a TV dinner while watching Star Wars. (OK, like twice, but it was enough that it’s ingrained in my crispy heart!)

Instead, I got up, exercised, worked on some crafty things for our K-dinner party that we’re having this weekend, and treated the day like any other day. It was fine.

It also helps that Chooch is just so fucking joyful, like where does he even get that from, certainly not me!

He was just so excited about everything, even though the poor guy woke up under the weather.

We actually decided to not have our traditional cemetery picnic, for the first time in 12 years! It was just way too cold and I didn’t want to force something just in the name of “tradition” because then it’s not fun and just an annoying obligation. We still went to the cemetery though just to get some quick pictures of Chooch, but for Christ’s sake it was so goddamn cold.

Later that evening, we went to Wendy’s house and it was so nice and just completely chill hanging out with her and her family. Her 2-year-old daughter Summer is hilariously obsessed with Alex Trebek so we made her this card to go along with her Christmas presents:

And Shawn gave Chooch an old welding mask, which Chooch was ridiculously excited about:

Here he is wearing his unicorn onesie which he spilled hot chocolate on approximately 1 minute after putting it on.

And here he is today wearing the Spirit Hood that my mom got him:

I have no beef with this year’s Christmas but the best thing about it being over is that it means 2017 is almost over too which means 2018 is almost here which means South Korea is even closer than ever!!

Have a zutter* holiday!

*That means “dope” – now you know a Korean word. Merry Xmas! 

We almost didn’t get any Christmas cards out this year because our card business was booming this season! I can’t complain about that at all (Henry is though,  because Chooch’s puzzle is still hogging the dining room table and making his card assemblage process really hard). #HUMBLEBRAG #LOL

But honestly, all of us here wish everyone a wonderful day with loved ones and good food. I hope no one is alone today. I love you all! <3

HAY GUYS I’m going to make good on my promise to focus on happy things and despite my perma-pessimism and mainstay-malaise, there is so much good in my life. And I really am grateful. Just gotta stay focused and keep the eyes on the prize. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT.

Here are some piktchurs.

MONTHS AGO, we bought 4 plain-ass ugly dining room chairs at Goodwill for like $10, I don’t know. Somehow, all of our chairs have broken and it’s not like we ever actually sit at the dining room table anyway, but I thought it would be nice to make-believe that we’re grown-ups and get actual chairs that match. Of course, I had grand visions of giving them a makeover though.

Then they just sat around for months because that’s how shit goes around here. However, we’re having a small dinner party next week so I started cracking the whip and Henry finally painted them this beautiful (G)dragon green. Once that was done, we went to Joann to get fabric. Of course I picked the most impractical, messy, expensive fabric to which Henry sighed, “Whatever you want” while images of him shitting money into a toilet churned through his mind. The fabric cutter consistently referred to the fabric as “he” and “him” which I thought was weird until she brandished her scissors & was all TIME TO CUT HIM UP and then I was like FUCK YEAH GIRL POWER.

Then she was like, “If you have the Joann app, you can probably save money on this” so I downloaded it even though I’m no coupon-cutter, but then old miserable broad at the register combatted my every coupon-presenting effort.

“REGULARLY-PRICED ITEMS ONLY. THIS ITEM IS ON SALE” for the 20% off all fabric coupon.

“YES BUT BEFORE TAX, YOUR TOTAL IS $29.59” for the $5 off a purchase of $30 or more.

FUCK YOU! I HATE SHOPPING! Henry gave me the “take it easy” arm squeeze but my day was ruined. Just ruined.

Anyway, Henry finished upholstering and assembling all four chairs today and I’m in heart-eye heaven. I’ve been stroking them lovingly, like they’re fucking unicorns, and I”ll tell you — that particular sensory therapy has been working for me today. I haven’t cried in like an hour.

I wrapped the presents in front of the cats, but it was OK because they think it’s for the cat down the street. (You know, Mr. Gray? The one that Chooch gets paid seventy five cents to take for walks?) Also, my wrapping skills have somehow managed to get even worse this year. I’m just a mess.

“Are you using my packing tape?!” Henry cried from the dining room and I just shrugged defiantly and said, “I don’t know, this is what Chooch was using too, so…”

Making sure Drew doen’t maul Trudy is also a good distraction.

This one is so ready for Christmas.

We all had eye appointments yesterday (UGHHH) and I opted for some special non-covered retina picture thing because I am obsessed with losing my eye sight (thinking about my eyes and teeth often keeps me up night) but the doctor said my eyes are perfectly healthy and I felt like she could have given me a sticker that said so, but her word is good enough I guess. Also it was a really big deal because after seven years, I think I may have finally found a pair of glasses that are big* and don’t cause me to have a psychological breakdown but I didn’t get them at that time because I panicked and just ordered contacts instead and now I’m convinced that when I go back, they’re going to be all, “OH HAHAHA THOSE FRAMES WERE A LIMITED EDITION, JUST THE DAY YOU WERE HERE, AVAILABILITY” and they’ll try to get me to buy a pair that aren’t big enough.

*(I mean, they’re not big enough for me to step through like a pair of pants, which is the size I really need, but I think this might be the biggest size I’m going to be able to find for now on Planet Earth. Ugh.)

Then I went to Target and bought myself a new purse from the little girl section because I needed something cute and sparkly to make me smile, and even though my phone doesn’t even fit in it, I’m going to fucking carry it with me everyday. I’ll just fill it with chapstick and gum wrappers, I guess. Maybe a bobby pin.

Chooch always knows how to cheer this bitch up.

You guys! Remember when Jeannie said she was going to get me a Skip-It?! I came to work on Thursday and there was a gift bag on my desk WITH A SKIP-IT (well, “Skip Ball” as the kids these days call it). I was so excited! Jeannie, Glenn and Todd gathered around and watched me demonstrate, but only because they were hoping I would fall. I did not fall. Sorry guys! But this one is kind of hard to get the hang of.

Don’t worry – I’m already a master! And of course Chooch and I have been fighting over it ever since I brought it home.

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Henry and the cats say thanks, Jeannie!

Three more months ’til South Korea. Just gotta hang on for three more months.

“The holidays” are very scary and vulnerable times for me & I often think back to when I lived alone and realize that it’s a miracle I made it through. Not being dramatic here, but painfully real and honest because the last few months have stirred something in me and I’m just done with being a pretender. I used to be so open on here and with everyone who knew me, and all that caused was me losing friend after friend because no one can handle it. (Can someone give Janna an award for sticking around since we were in 6th grade? This girl has seen me at my fucking worst, has been in the hospital with me, and has watched sadly as I made jokes about the bite marks I gave myself in a fit of hysteria.) Honestly, I am so fucking fake and I am just exhausted with living every single day like I’m in some never-ending poorly-scripted high school play. My social anxiety is sky-high and this is always the time of year when people want to put me in rooms with strangers. And not even strangers — at work last week, we had a little holiday cocktail thing, just for our department. A small department full of people who I get along well with, some of them I’ve known for 7 years at this point, but the thought of being in an open corridor with all of them at once made my heart race. I ran in and grabbed a drink before it got crowded and then motherfucking ghosted. I probably look like a huge stuck-up bitch, but I just can’t handle it like a normal person. I literally do not know how to mingle anymore so please don’t put me in a crowded room, I beg you.

The holidays still are hard for me to get through but now I have A Henry^TM to babysit me. I had another very ugly cry and rant session with him last night and the one thing that I took away from it, that I said over and over to Henry, is “I don’t WANT to feel like this.” So today I am going to try to fixate on the good things, because I can’t change who I am, at least not at the moment, and I can’t go back in time and stop tragedies from happening. And I’m going to tell myself what I know Henry has been biting his tongue to prevent from saying, but I have GOT to move past this. And no one is going to make that happen but me, which is 100% something I’ve learned after living with this for 30+ years.

“This.”

I’m not blind to why Jonghyun’s death has triggered me so much. It’s because this could have been me hundreds of different times over my life. It has stopped me cold in my tracks, made me reevaluate my life, what I want from my future, what I have learned from my past. Yes, it’s fucking fall-to-your-knees sad and tragic and I have cried an embarrassing amount of times over it, because it has affected me in some way that only I can understand. So please fuck right off with that “you didn’t even know him” bullshit line. How many times did he tell himself, “Just hang on for one more day, stay here for your family, think of your friends” before that pep talk just didn’t cut it anymore? How much worse than this does it need to get before you’re not scared to let go anymore? I think about this and feel so frantic.

The irony of this all is not lost on me, how something that was able to lift me up after a traumatic 2016 has managed to do a complete 180 and make me feel so sad and despondent a year later. Life is SO FUCKING FUNNY like that.

I’m going to try to be more open, even if it means possibly losing friends, because that is what always happens. It’s just hard when I’m crying at work and someone is like, “What’s wrong?” and it’s just literally me feeling sad for no reason that makes sense to anyone so then I’m just like, “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong. Everything in my life is wonderful but I’m just sad.” And truly, everything in my life is wonderful. I have a great, supportive family; I have a good job working with people I genuinely like; I’m physically well; I have amazing friends who check in with me and are so much to be around; and I do a lot of really fun things. But then these feelings come back and overshadow all the good and all I can see is the bad, the negative, the morbid. I used to be so honest about these issues on here, and I would get messages from strangers telling me that it helped them to know they weren’t alone, that they could relate. I want to do that again, instead of hiding who I am out of embarrassment or fear because this blog is less anonymous now than it was then. If me laying out my demented mind and putting my fragile guts on display can stop just one person from succumbing to utter despair and hopelessness, then the pain it took for me to write this is worth it.

To try to give myself closure in order to work toward getting myself better, I went full-blown Girl Scout craft-mode last night, because sometimes I just need to be a kid gluing stuff to a thing in order to nudge the grieving process along. So I made this flower frame, which is now hanging in my room, as a reminder to keep getting out of bed and to keep living with the belief that the next day will be better.

It gets better. And if it doesn’t, I guess I will have to try harder to make it.

Today, a/k/a The Slowest Work Day of the Year, a/k/a Day 4 of Wearing Mourning Black, I was at Crazy Mocha during my lunch break.

While I was waiting for my chai latte, that Darlene Love Christmas song came on–you know, the one that was in Gremlins and that’s two blog posts in a row that I referenced Gremlins–and I had this weird out of body experience, like I was living inside a dark holiday comedy and everything was moving really fast around me while I just stood there frozen with a forlorn glaze on my saddest landscape of a face, the dull pain of “cried too much this week” thumping methodically behind my left eye.

And in that moment, I wished that I could feel happier about the holidays or you know, life in general; and who knows, maybe tomorrow I will.

But right now, I’m just watching the new Twice Christmas MV over and over, hoping that the carefree vibes become contagious.

And I watch this one a lot too because Sana’s cuteness (and how everyone cracks up at her speaking part) makes me temporarily immune to depression. I’m going to try and take better care of myself.

In typical Chooch fashion, he waited until yesterday after school to casually mention that today was Ugly Xmas Sweater day. I know it’s hard to believe, but we don’t have anything here that qualifies, unless you count the crappy Xmas sweater that Trudy is wearing, but I’m not undecorating* the “tree” just so Chooch can participate in some dumb school spirit shit.

*(This is ironic because I had a meltdown Tuesday night and tried to cancel Xmas by talking ornaments off Trudy as Chooch followed me around and calmly re-hung each one.)

So we had to run out to Goodwill last night after dinner. Of course the selection was slim, being so close to the big dumb day, so I grabbed a $4 white and black sweater and figured we’d just add accoutrements at home. I suggested pinning a bunch of Trump faces to it but Henry was like, “NOT FOR SCHOOL.” But that would take home the ugly sweater crown for sure!

I found some leftover bulbs and had the bright idea to sew them on the sweater. I made it through one whole bulb-sewing before crying theatrically, “I DONT WANT TO DO THIS IM BORED” so guess who finished?!?! Hahahahenry.

Then Henry remembered we had some extra LED lights so he hooked Chooch up real good and maybe the sweater’s not exactly ugly, but it’s festive as fuck.

(Also, that sweater is Forever 21 and if ripping the bulbs off doesn’t completely fuck it up, I’ll take it.)

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Um, that’s all for now. Still not in the Xmas spirit but working on that sweater helped a bit and it was probably the project that inspired the least amount of arguing, so either we’re growing as a family or I’m too dead inside to get up in arms over DIY-stress, lol all the way down the chimney unless you get stuck first and break your neck like Phoebe Cate’s dad in Gremlins.

I had the day off today. This was actually kind of bad because it gave me too much free time; my mind kept reeling and I’d think about parts of Kim Jonghyun’s suicide note and how relatable it was, or I would remember the last time I saw my friend Tim who passed away last Thursday, or the way Chooch experienced an emotional break when I told him that Tim had died, and I would start choking on my dumb tears all over again while worrying about my friends who are hurting for different reasons and then I would just feel rage at how unfair life is — rinse, repeat. Add in my traditional seasonal depression and soul-sucking bipolar mood swings, and it’s been a real fucking party over here on Pioneer Ave for the last month or so. My contacts are SHOT from all the crying I’ve done recently, good thing I have an eye appointment on Saturday. (Ugh.)

Last night was really bad. As Henry was going up to bed, or as I call it – DITCHING ME WHEN I NEED HIM – I wailed, “I GUESS I WILL JUST EXERCISE AGAIN” and then proceeded to do some YouTube cardio workout while straight sobbing, I mean absolutely ugly-crying, while never breaking stride. Because all I have these days is exercise. My only release. 

There is a point to this. I’m getting to it, I swear.

I was looking forward to Chooch coming home from school though, and thought maybe we could walk down the street and get some hot beverages at the new café in Dormont. Of course he was down with this idea because that place can make a million different varieties of hot chocolate.

We were the only patrons, and the barista happily took our orders. This was our third time there since after Thanksgiving, so I think maybe she recognized us. While she made our drinks, Chooch yapped on and on about school drama, as usual. I felt like we were being pretty normal, and I at least wasn’t crying for once. Look at me, out in public and saying words, kind of!

When the barista went to ring us up, she hesitated and kind of stared at the register for a few seconds, I thought maybe she was trying to remember what we ordered or something.

“$4.55,” she said eventually.

“….for both?” I asked with moderate incredulity. I mean, that’s less than I pay for one latte at any of the places downtown on my lunch break.

“Yep!” she insisted, so I shrugged and handed her my credit card. As I was signing the receipt, I noticed her reaching her hand toward my hand. I thought she was just going to point out my finger tattoos, because that’s a thing that happens a lot and it’s OK, it doesn’t bug me.

But instead, her hand kept coming until it landed softly on top of my left hand. I looked up, trying not to show how startled I was, and she looked hard into my eyes and said, “Take care of yourself,” as she slid her hand all the way down to my fingertips. And it wasn’t just a casual thing, in lieu of a goodbye. Like, “Y’all take care now, ya hear?” No, it was more like, “It feels like you’re going through some shit, and I want you to take care of yourself.”

You guys.

I can’t explain it.

The feels.

I tried to act calm & cool while I reciprocated her sentiments, and then we all said Merry Christmas to each other as I pushed Chooch toward the door.

As soon as we got out to the sidewalk, my eyes filled with tears and I had this powerful uprising of emotion.

“HOW DID SHE KNOW I’M SO FUCKING BROKEN?!” I cried to Chooch, who shrugged and said, “I don’t know, I just thought she liked you or something.” I mean, maybe on a different day I would have gotten that vibe too, but this felt different. This felt like she fucking sensed that I have been going through the motions, stumbling through my days, putting on a fake smile while feeling so fucking isolated and alone even when I’m surrounded by people I see everyday.

I called Henry immediately and he was like, “Are you sure she wasn’t just flirting with you?” I MEAN I GET IT, I DON’T HAVE A WEDDING RING, HENRY. But let’s not cheapen this moment because it felt like goddamn magic. It was just the kind of human connection that I have been craving without even knowing it.  It was exactly what I needed, at just the precise moment, and now I need to work harder to get better.

The latte I got was a Snow Angel Cupcake. I don’t even know what that means, but I feel like it was served to me by an angel for real.

Yesterday was our little group’s Christmas lunch at work. It’s hard to believe that last December there were eight of us, and now there are just five. So much has changed in one year!

I was looking forward to getting out of the office. I’m going to be honest here – learning of the death of SHINee’s Jonghyun earlier that morning really fucked me up and I was low-key crying at my desk off and on all day at work. I wish I wasn’t this emotional, but…I’m a bi-polar Leo, you guys.

But, I had this lunch to distract me and I really like my work group so it didn’t feel like a drag like it has in the past when I worked for a different group within the department. PLUS, Amber promised that we could get our picture taken with Santa afterward, because our lunch was at The Yard in Market Square, right across from SANTA’S WORKSHOP! I have wanted this to happen so direly for many years, a group picture with Santa, and I have only ever been able to get two people to go with me on two separate occasions (once with Chris when she still worked with us, and once with Amber).

Lunch was good, but I was SO BORED for like the first 25 minutes because everyone was talking about the Steelers game from the night before and some catch that wasn’t a catch and I was like, “Cool but can we talk about me, now?” God!

I was too sad on the down low to finish my salad, and when the waiter brought me a box, I just kind of stared at it and mumbled something about wishing Henry was there.

“Do you want me to help you?” Amber asked, and when I said yes, she sweetened the pot by asking, “Do you want me to just do it for you?”

“YES!” I cried in relief, and Todd was like, “Oh for God’s sake” and Glenn was like, “STOP ENABLING HER, AMBER” and Lauren was just like, “Erin, you are the sweetest person I have ever known.” Or something like that.

This literally happened about 10 minutes after I had finished telling everyone that I was panicking over the weekend about the thought of Henry dying and how will Chooch and I survive, so I asked Henry if he can teach us to be self-sufficient, to which he responded with, “I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO!” Anyway, first we were going to start with me relearning laundry because he’s been doing it since we got together and I honestly would be fucked if someone dropped me off at a laundromat right now…..

….but then we were sitting on the couch, me crying for the 87th time over the weekend (it’s been rough for me lately), when I noticed the front door in my periphery and wailed, “No, first you need to teach me how to open the fronnnnnnnnnnnnt dooooooooooor…..” followed by major ugly tears.

So yeah, that was our Christmas lunch.

On the way out, we started to walk toward the whole Christmas Market thing but then turned and started to go back in the direction of work. I hung my head in a silent pout, not wanting to say anything because I was in such a bitch-baby mood that I chose instead to fester in disappointment so that later I would have something more to complain about because this is who I am sometimes, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

We were about halfway back to work (which is really only about a five minute walk) when Lauren said, “Oh no, we didn’t get our picture with Santa!” and I sadly shrugged and said, “I know. It’s OK.” And then sighed heavily for emphasis.

Glenn and Todd were like, “TOO BAD SO SAD” and kept walking, but Amber said to me, “Oh, why didn’t you say something when we left?” So then we tried to figure out another day to go back and get it done, because we had already been out of the office for longer than intended, but there wasn’t another day left this week where all of us are in the office.

So then Amber sighed and said, “OK, let’s do this now, but when we get back there you better get to work, Erin!” and I was like, “YES BOSS!!” as I happily jaywalked across the street and you all know how anti-jaywalking I am.

When we arrived at Santa’s Workshop, there was just one family in front of us, and two that were inside the workshop. The lady made us stay outside to prevent the workshop from crowding, and that’s when we all noticed that some dude from KDKA had rolled up with a cameraman.

Everyone but me freaked out. Lauren was trying to bury her face in her leftovers while shouting, “ARE YOU KIDDING, I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON THE NEWS,” Amber was like, “Goddammit, Erin,” Todd looked like he would FOR SURE rather be reliving the not-catch moment of the Sunday night Steelers game, Glenn was reading the Farmer’s Almanac he carries in his pocket (I don’t know, but that seems like something he would do while waiting in line) and I was on the verge of peeing my pants from laughing.

My first real laugh of the day and it was so needed!

Sorry it was at everyone’s expense. LOL j/k I’m noy sorry!

I don’t know if we ended up being on the news or not but the fact that my work friends were acting like they were on the lam was good enough for me!

Anyway, the whole rigamarole only took about 10 or 15 minutes, which I thought was pretty good. Santa really wanted me to sit on his lap and kept pressuring me but I was like, “CAN I JUST SIT ON THE ARM OF THE CHAIR INSTEAD, YOU CREEP?!” Just kidding, he was a cool Santa. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I really wanted to say G-Dragon but didn’t feel like getting into some awkward explanation so instead I just mumbled, “Music” at which point Glenn smugly said, “SHE LIKES KPOP” and I was like, “YEAH, AND WHAT OF IT, GLENN?!!?!?” UGH!

I look like a fat-faced mess, but this picture is everything to me right now! I felt like it was a great team-building exercise. Also, Lauren needs to teach me how to pose so effortlessly casual! She and Amber both look great in every picture while I’m trying frantically to smile in such a way that it won’t look like my chin is having babies.

Anyway…sorry if this is all over the place but welcome to my brain—we have postcards and magnets for sale at the front desk. And merry Christmas from us guys at the Law Firm! That little excursion really helped lift my mood for a bit. Sometimes going to work is, strangely, just what I need.

I woke up around 6:30, before my alarm went off, and instinctively reached for my phone. The first notification I saw was from Soompi saying that Shinee’s Jonghyun had passed away.

And then my Twitter feed blew up.

SHINee wasn’t my bias group but I do really like them a lot and even if I didn’t, this news still would have shattered me. And there was a SHINee song in my dream last night too! Which isn’t that unusual considering I have Kpop playing all night along – it helps me to wake up in a not-so-miserable mood, you guys.

Suicide is so jarring. I feel like I just want to hug everyone today and I hate hugs typically. Instead, I will just count down the hours until I can come home from work, bury my face in a pillow, and sob uncontrollably. And probably also drink some soju, you don’t know me.

Until then, I will spend all day dwelling on the whys of suicide, crying for his family, worrying about the remaining SHINee members.

Such a beautiful man. I hate knowing he was hurting so much. :(

ETA: Saw this on Twitter and ugly-cried my sad face right off.

https://twitter.com/frealuvsuga/status/942853540619411456

Everything was fine last night util around 11:30 when I began noticing it while laying in bed: the low-grade rumble of a radio that was not mine. One thing, a HUGE thing, to note about me is that I cannot stand hearing radio (more specifically – BASS) coming through my wall. I’m fine with it at a concert or in my own car, but there is something about it filtering through my wall that clashes with my sanity, creeps under my skin, flips my bitch switch. So what started out as a nice night quickly morphed into WHERE IS THAT COMING FROM AND WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL TONIGHT?!

Henry, of course, didn’t hear anything because he doesn’t have psychotic aural powers like I do.

Henry quickly assured me that no one was home next door, because we have decent neighbors post-Boots’ arrest & eviction, and Henry will do anything to preserve our docile relationship with them. He looked out of our bedroom window and noticed that there was someone (“a fat white guy,” Henry eloquently noted) sitting in a running car in front of our house. “It’s just this car out there. He’s probably waiting to pick someone up. It’ll stop soon.”

But what I heard was, “Some cocksucker is outside my house with complete disregard for the residents on this street and now he must die.”

Several minutes passed and he was still out there. It didn’t matter that I had Kpop playing on our own bedroom radio, now that I knew there was foreign noise flitting about outside my bedroom wall. In fact, it seemed louder now.

“It’s not even music he’s listening to, it’s talk radio,” Henry pointed out and I was like “I KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN’S TEACHER IS OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE SQUAWKING IN A BULLHORN.”

Another fifteen minutes passed and now it sounded like Rush Limbaugh was LIVE FROM ERIN KELLY’S BEDSIDE. Literally, my skull was vibrating in time with the monotone murmurs from outside.

“Let’s just throw a brick at his car.”

“NO. WE CANNOT THROW A BRICK AT HIS CAR.” Henry is so fucking quick to snuff out all of my brilliant solutions.

By now it was after midnight. My next plan was to go downstairs, whip open the front door, and stare at him menacingly from my front door. Except that I didn’t have my contacts in and all I could see was a maroon blob that was presumably the source of the commotion. I flicked the porch light on and off several times, hoping he would catch on to my impromptu signal for STFU AND GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE YOU CUNT.

This didn’t work so I threw on a coat and was ready to go out and confront this motherfucker face-to-face. Henry was quickly trying to get dressed in case he needed to follow me out and actually, god forbid, protect me. 

I had two strategies in mind:

1. Go out with proverbial guns blazing and scream my face at him
2. Fill him with guilt by sweetly telling him that my sick baby was trying to sleep and THIS GUY’S RADIO kept waking him up. I mean, Chooch was a baby once. And he’s kind of sick right now?

But then we discussed this and Henry convinced me that a personal visit was probably not safe because what if it escalated and knowing me, it would probably escalate. When I reach this level of irrational anger, I am a completely different person and feel invincible and want to fight the fucking world. And this guy’s talk radio was pushing me to let Erratic Erin out to play.

I HATE THAT I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD WITHOUT THE RISK OF GETTING SHOT NOW.

“Ew, are you wearing Chooch’s shoes?” Henry asked as he noticed my Midnight Confrontation Costume: winter jacket, bare legs, Chooch’s tennis shoes.

And then I realized that EW GROSS yes I was wearing Chooch’s shoes WITH NO SOCKS time to burn my feet off.

But before the feet-incineration, I started pressuring Henry to just call the police.

“ISN’T THAT WHAT THOSE BASTARDS ARE THERE FOR? SO PEOPLE LIKE US, HARMLESS CITIZENS, DON’T HAVE TO RISK GETTING A FIST IN THE FACE BY CONFRONTING PEOPLE ON THEIR OWN?”

Plus, it was now 1:00am. That guy could have cruised up to our house straight from the bar, who the hell knows.

So Henry, knowing that his night was over no matter what option was chosen, reluctantly called the police and made the most petty complaint of all time, right next to when our other neighbor called the police because someone’s car was blocking the driveway by a centimeter and a beaten-down cop had to go door-to-door to find the owner of the car.

After Henry made the call, we went back up to bedroom to see if anyone would actually come. Henry’s your basic middle-aged white man-bitch who has the police scanner app on his phone, so that was turned on with a quickness. There was lots of reporting of a girl in red pants and a green shirt running through traffic on the Liberty Bridge, clearly one of Santa’s elves, so that was exciting. Then we heard the dispatcher bleep in about an ordinance call from our address and we perked up.

“I’m in Brookline,” some copper chimed in and we were all OH SHIT ITS ON. Well, I was all OH SHIT ITS ON. Henry was too busy stepping inside his ever-growing frown with a bindle stuffed with his balls and a few issues of Good Housekeeping, and hitching a ride to What Have I Done? Town.

Within minutes, a cop car rolled by slowly, inspecting the scene.

Before that cop had a chance to turn around, another cop pulled up and stopped across the street, shining a light at the PERP.

Then another cop rolled up with lights blazing, and by then the first cop had turned around and come back so now there were three police cars outside our house, shining lights at the perp’s car.

Seconds later, the guy’s radio went quiet and the cops were gone.

“Good job, Erin,” Henry mumbled. “Now we’re marked as the house who makes petty police calls.”

“You should have given them Hot Naybor Chris’s name and address! They’re used to getting those calls from over there,” I laughed, and then spent the next 10 minutes cracking the fuck up while Henry tried in vain to fall asleep.

“Wait—I think I hear it again!” I yelled.

Henry looks out the window and said, “Well he’s not even there anymore, so….”

I guess at that point, the noise was just embedded in my ear drums.

But just to summarize:

Amount of cops sent when a lunatic was trying to bash in my old neighbor Boots’ door last year, threatening to kill him: 0

Amount of cops sent last night when we called about a car parked in front of our house for over an hour with the radio blasting at 1am: 3

Today is Saturday and here are some snaps of Drew. Yes, Penelope is still here but she has been avoiding the paparazzi. So, just Drew. (Also, please enjoy my sick bed-making skills up there. I AM A DOMESTIC GODDESS.)

(This is rare because our bed usually is never made. We live like college students over here on Pioneer Ave, you guys. Come sit on the floor with us and eat ramen some night.)

She is still very much Chooch’s cat (that is, no one else can hold her but him) but she and I have developed our own little thing together in which I stand behind a wall and pop my head around the corner, make eye contact with her, then slowly retreat. She gets REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS and will slowly creep toward me while making squirrel noises.

It even works if I just sit on the couch with a pillow over my face, like some strange game of peek-a-boo. Chooch is so pissed because finally something that doesn’t include him!!

I had the day off yesterday (it’s my yearly rush to use up my extra PTO before I lose it) so Drew and I had a lot of time together. It was an exhausting day of ruining Chooch’s puzzle, knocking a brand new candle off the table & shattering it thirty seconds after I put it there, climbing on Trudy & almost toppling her, and relearning the sights and sounds of the kitchen like she hasn’t lived here for two years. Honestly, she and Penelope both acted like they had never seen the kitchen before when I was in there making coffee Friday morning, and were too afraid to even cross the threshold!? Finally they came in, all jumpy and skittish, and then slowly remembered, “Oh, this is the room before the back porch that we have walked around in a million times in the last two years.” And then Celine Dion started singing.

Gotta go, Henry just came home from spray-painting new-to-us dining room chairs which need to be done BY DECEMBER 30TH, IT’S CRUNCH TIME MOTHERFUCKER, and I think he wants to dance to Kpop with me because I just overheard him singing along to “If You Do” by Got7.

I’m off work today and yet here I am, writing about work. Here are a few Reporting From Work moments that I want to remember, because these things always help remind me that at the end of the day, office life is alright. Except for…

The Great, Horrible G-Dragon Kidnapping

Late Wednesday afternoon, Wendy and Sue were talking to me at my desk, probably about how fantastic I am, or maybe that’s what I was talking about, when Sue noticed my BIGBANG coffee cup. Wendy said, “Yeah, show Sue that other G-Dragon thing you have on your desk,” referring to the vinyl thingie that I bought at H-Mart and once adorned the G-Dragon Countdown calendar that Lori made:

I used to have him taped to the side of my computer monitor, but then he kept falling so now I just leave him to the left of my keyboard. I instinctively reached for him to show Sue, but my hand GRASPED NOTHING BUT EMPTY DESK-TOP. That was weird, I thought. I never move him from that spot. So I started shuffling things around, yanking drawers open, moving bottles of fake blood out of the way, tossing fake fingers over my shoulder…I even checked in my Fiji Mermaid’s fishbowl.

I immediately accused Wendy of this because she thinks G-Dragon is dumb and was it just a coincidence that she brought up that G-Dragon keepsake? I THINK NOT.

Sue backed away slowly, clearly not wanting to implicate herself in whatever Great American Crime Story I was writing up in my head. Wendy profusely swore that it wasn’t her, and by now word was spreading that G-Dragon was missing mostly because my voice was getting louder and more hysterical by the minute. Todd walked past to go to the refrigerator and I cried, “TODD DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY G-DRAGON IS!?” and he was all, “What G-Dragon?” because now people were conveniently playing dumb and acting like they had NO IDEA what G-Dragon relic I was talking about.

“IT’S THAT VINYL THINGIE OF HIM! FROM WHEN HE WAS AT THE CHANEL FASHION SHOW LAST YEAR!” I kept using this as the clue that was really going to drive it home, jog that person’s memory. Like someone was going to exclaim, “Oh yes! The one of him in that confusing not-quite-beret!” But every single person I said that to just looked at me like I was a crazy person.

Naturally, my next guess was Glenn. I didn’t see it on his desk and I didn’t want to go through his stuff EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE APPARENTLY HAVE NO PROBLEM GOING THROUGH MINE so I started searching in shared areas, like the supply closet, expecting to see GD’s beautiful, shining face peering down at me but NOTHING.

This continued on when I got back to work yesterday. I immediately confronted Glenn and he was actually scared a little, I think. I think he knows better than to ever, EVER, move any G-Dragon artifact from my desk. He swore profusely that it wasn’t him and the fear in his eyes made me believe him. Lauren suggested that maybe it was Aaron, and I started to consider this and then without any evidence at all, I had him pegged as the perp. When I came back from getting water in the kitchen, I noticed that the supply cabinet door was left ajar – a notorious indicator that Aaron had been creeping around. He never shuts that door all the way! So I flung it open and started digging through things again, thinking that maybe I had actually overlooked GD when I was searching that cabinet the day before, and Aaron had come over to see if his work was still in play.

I still didn’t see anything, but I did find some soft Cars-themed balls on the bottom shelf, and Lauren excitedly asked me to throw her one. I thought we were going to have an impromptu game of Monkey in the Middle since this happened near Glenn’s desk, but then she never threw it back to me. I think she wanted it for her dog.

ANYWAY. I went back to my desk and moments later, I could feel Aaron’s presence nearby, so I spun around and hysterically asked, “AARON DID YOU TAKE SOMETHING OF MINE.” He seemed shocked at first but then coyly said, “Maybe…” but he was just playing along and actually had no idea what I was talking about so then I had to describe the missing GD and once again the Chanel fashion show did nothing to help.

“What did it look like again?” Lauren asked me a few minutes later, and I cried, “WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SEND OUT AN EMAIL!?” and she was like, “Um, no, I was just going to ask anyone who walks by….”

Anyway, I never did find him and I’m honestly beginning to think that I probably accidentally moved him somewhere, threw him out (Lord help me) or maybe he was stuck to my purse or something one day when I was leaving and I dropped him outside I AM THE WORST KEEPER OF G-DRAGON. But! At least I can just easily get another one (all the Kpop shops sell those things) and I’m thankful that it wasn’t the GD doll my mom got me, or the GD keychain Maya made me! Those ones are not replaceable.

“Erin’s Not Going to Know.”

Wednesday, while I was running around with my hands in my hair, interrogating people about the whereabouts of G-Dragon, I overheard Wendy say to Jeannie, “Maybe Erin Kelly knows” and Jeannie responded with, “Erin is NOT going to know!” This stopped me in my tracks. Challenge accepted! I called out, “Wait — I might know!” and immediately prayed it wasn’t something work-related that was going to illuminate my dumbness.

So Wendy started with, “Do you know that toy with the ring that goes around your ankle—-”

“SKIP IT!” I cried.

“Yeah! That’s what it is!” Wendy laughed, and I guess Jeannie was looking for one for her niece for Xmas but couldn’t remember what it was called, so then Jeannie and I looked at all of the options on Amazon and I was feeling so sad because I loved my Skip-It unconditionally, and even had one in my early-20s, but it wasn’t as good as the original one from the 80s.

“If it’s something an 11-year-old girl would like, of course Erin would know what it is,” Wendy said and then everyone within earshot got a great laugh out of that WOW SO SOON AFTER G-DRAGON WENT MISSING, EVEN.

Anyway, I kept going on and on about how much I loved Skip-It and how great I was at it, and finally Jeannie was like, “Oh my god, do you want me to buy you one, too?!” and I immediately said yes so I hope she wasn’t joking because I’m going to be waiting for this to appear on my desk every day from now until Christmas.

Secret Santa Reveal

We did our Secret Santa Reveal event yesterday and I am now safe to scream from the hilltops that I was Amber’s Secret Santa! And Wendy was mine! What a perfect scenario!

Of course as luck would have it, neither Amber nor Wendy were in the office yesterday, so Carrie gave me my gift from Wendy and then someone Facetimed Amber and made me open her gift while she watched through the phone and it was pretty awkward like being on a stage except we were standing in an empty hallway.

Amber had coffee/tea, Qdoba, and plants written on her idea list, and I decided to go the tea route because my childhood friend Chris (not of Chronica fame) is a beekeeper and I have been meaning to buy some of his sweet honey (literally!) for some time now. So one of the gifts I put together was tea-themed, with some type of loose-leaf tea blend from India because she likes Indian things, a tall tea cup thing and these little cuties:

Honestly, we got to do a honey sampling and I was like, “Can I move in here? I’ll help you bottle this stuff all day long.”

And then for the last gift, I wanted to combine all three things on her list into one, at which point Chooch suggested getting a tortilla and filling it with dead plant parts and tea bags. I went with my own idea though, sorry Chooch. Maybe if I was BARB’S Secret Santa, I would have used his idea, though.

I topped it off with some of the TOPSHELF, $8.99 a pound mystery candy from the weird international market by my house.

Eastern European Candy PSA

Speaking of weird mystery candy, I also filled up a bag from the $4.99 shelf for the rest of my co-workers to “enjoy” out of the Plastic Pumpkin of International Horrors. I got several that were large and had some generic Disney prince and princess on the wrapper. For some reason, I want to believe that the bigger the better, not sure where I could possibly be getting that from, so I had high expectations for these ones. I treated myself to one yesterday afternoon and immediately turned to Glenn, making the HAVE I BEEN POISONED??? face.

“This might be the WORST candy out of the whole bunch!” I cried. And Lauren just brought back durian toffee from Thailand, so this is a huge statement on my part. Let me try to describe it:

The base looks like a peppermint patty. Just a chocolate circle thing. The top has four small mounds of what I later learned was “cookie biscuit” when Lori read the wrapper out loud. An interesting structure that I was excited to bite into! But inside the chocolate, which by the way was one of the worst attempts at chocolate I’ve ever had, was that awful firm jelly shit that masochistic confectioners like to slip inside candy sometimes. I don’t even know what flavor the jelly was supposed to be. Raspberry perfume? But when shit really got deep was when the notes of the “cookie biscuit” swam to the forefront of my palate. I couldn’t imagine what I was tasting, but it was familiar. And not a flavor you want in your mouth when you’re eating something sweet. I was standing up at this point, unsure if I should spit it out, google the Poison Control number, write a letter to the President of the Ukraine and demand that the inventor of this candy be incarcerated.

And that’s when I realized that the taste in my mouth WAS BLEU CHEESE.

Chocolate candy with a bleu cheese aftertaste!!! NO, UKRAINE. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

***

Well, that was going to be the end of my work update, but then I was getting ready to leave the house to walk to the post office, I put my hand in my coat pocket and wondered what the strangely-shaped object was that my hand had grazed, and this is what I pulled out:

BUT HOW!? Either I did this by accident (but I honestly don’t remember and there was nothing else in that pocket that could have potentially been next to it on my desk that I would have intentionally grabbed while accidentally grabbing G-Dragon at the same time) or SOMEONE IS SABOTAGING MY SANITY. I’m off work today but you can believe that this investigation is far from over.

(Also thank god he turned up because I couldn’t remember what these figures are called when I was trying to find one online to buy.)