Oh hello, here I am to talk about my Mother’s Day, 2021. It started out BLAH – we were tentatively going to take a mini-road trip to some state park in WV to get away from the 100% rain forecast here in Pittsburgh, but I woke up FEELING LIKE A HORNET. I think I just have this bad habit of expecting the worst on any holiday because I just assume that Henry and Chooch will fail me (to be fair, they usually do lol).

I came downstairs like a little bitch, haughtily declined Henry’s offer to make me breakfast, and instead showered all of MY GOOD ATTITUDE upon the cats and squirrels, a/k/a MY REAL FAMILY.

When I opened the door to refill Buddy’s Bistro (that’s what I call the crate that doubles as a squirrel shelter so they can nosh on their peanuts and sunflower feeds with a roof over their little furry heads when it’s raining), I noticed a plain white envelope on the doorstep:

LOL Henry is such a dork. And I know it was Henry who made it because of the half-assed punctuation. I was still in A MOOD so I didn’t give him a reaction right away. LOL forever a b-r-a-t.

When I was younger, I could steady be in a bad mood for like, days. Nay, weeks. But the older I get, the more tiresome it is! I only have so much energy and I need that for exercising and going on copious walks, not scowling and hissing at everyone who dares to look at me.

Sigh. My edge is really getting dull as I age.

Then Henry said he was going to Lowe’s and I was like THAT IS DUMB until I realized he was going to FINALLY check out different options for what he needs to finally finish my subway sign – he was originally holding out for plexiglass but the price HAS NOT gone down at all thanks to the pandemic making it a hot commodity. I opted to go with him because it was raining so hard and I was too depressed to stay home and also I wanted to get a new houseplant because it’s Mother’s Day and that seems like something a Mother would treat herself with, right? I got this big’gun pot of California Elephant Ears and named him SETH.

Because of The O.C.?

California?

No?

I was annoyed the whole time we were at Lowe’s and the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better at that precise moment was boba so we went to Squirrel Hill because I wanted Kung Fu Tea but they were CLOSED for MOTHER’S DAY but it was OK because Pink Box is across the street and even if that was closed too, there are like 4 other places on that street alone that could have curbed my boba cravings and we also ordered vegan sandwiches at Allegro and went for a short stroll in the rain while waiting for it so that was nice I guess.

Came home and Chooch was like “OMG LOOK! IT’S A MOTHER! ON HER DAY!” and then thrust a homemade card at me which made me laugh because he signed it Sincerely.

I like being his MUM even though he eats in his room which breaks HOUSE RULES but whatever I guess let’s all just whatever we want, ugh.

Meanwhile, I told Chooch (and Henry because Chooch never does shit on his own) that all I wanted for Mother’s Day was the ability to be able to work out to my beloved Jacki Sorensen aerobics tape that I have been unable to use in what feels like 20 years almost because it’s a VHS and Henry was like I CAN DO THIS and was trying to find a VCR to borrow so that he could convert the tape to a computer file and put it on a USB so that I could use the Roku to play it so he asked Hot Naybor Chris who probably thought Henry found his old VINTAGE PORN stash and needed a VCR to have a viewing party and he said he would see if he could find one at his camp whatever that means but then Henry was in the attic looking for something completely unrelated and found my old VCR that we didn’t know still existed!!

So I was able to work out with Jacki last night while wearing my beloved Jacki shirt that my mom got when she attended the actual Jacki Sorensen Danceathon in 1984 at the old Civic Arena!!

I have been a BIG FAN of Jacki Sorensen ever since the 90s when I found my mom’s old VHS of one of her aerobics workouts and even tried to make some of my friends workout with me in my basement when they were sleeping over and I was DRUNK (maybe it was THIS NIGHT???).

The tape came with me (as did the shirt) when I moved out in 1998 and over the years, I used it as sparingly as possible because I was so afraid it would just snap one day. Now that everything in the world seems to be on YouTube, I would check every now and then to see if anyone ever uploaded it but NOPE, NEVER NOT EVEN A LITTLE CLIP.

Then I was doing a walking workout on this one guy’s channel that I really like and one of the songs he used was this one:

I SCREAMED. This song is used in one of my favorite segments from that damn Jacki Sorensen tape and it was at this point where I found the VHS, slapped it on Chooch’s desk, and said, “ALL I WANT FOR MOTHER’S DAY IS FOR YOU TO FIND A WAY FOR YOUR MOMMY TO ENJOY THIS AGAIN.”

“What even is this?” he murmured and then promptly forgot about it because he has teenage dementia.

So I had to coax it out of the recesses of his memory and finally, to Henry he said, “Oh yeah. She wants some weird tape converted to a DVD or something” and no, THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID, but OK close enough.

And Henry made my wish come true yesterday and I was SO HAPPY and also I still cannot do the “Tom Jones” move which is in like every segment almost. But who doesn’t love a workout that warms up with Barbara Streisand and cools down with Barry Manilow?!

This is what the VHS sleeve looks like but god only knows what happened to mine over the years, it probably disintegrated at some point in the attic:

And that was my Mother’s Day.

P.S. It just now occurred to me that Kung Fu tea had some sort of Mother’s Day promotion happening via their app that I was prepared to take advantage of but then they were closed because it was Mother’s Day. What kind of shady fucking mother-crushing shit is that.

Last fall, I bought this charming circus-core shirt from Unlogical Poem, thinking that I could wear it on my first day back to the office if that happened over the cooler months. Um, obviously that did not occur. So, aside from one work video call during which absolutely no one commented upon the adorableness of said WHIMSICAL BLOUSE, I have never had a chance to wear it. And this bitch cost some coinage! So since my hair looked halfway ok today and the temps were unusually chilly for May, I used the upcoming FORGOTTEN HOLIDAY in this house, otherwise known as MOTHERS DAY, to coerce my LOVING son to be my photographer. It took a whopping 60 minutes out of his day and he was such a bitch about it.

I grabbed some “props” on the way out of the house because yes these things are always in reach. Chooch was excited because the elastic of the party broke as soon as I put it on so he thought this meant we could leave but I was I WILL FIX THIS and as I struggled to tie knots in the elastic, I sang my dad’s favorite tune, “They Don’t Make Things Like They Used To,” accidentally leveling up in the BECOMING AN ELDER game of life.

Fuck.

I told Chooch to “try and get some interesting angles” because he was so busy texting that every time I was like HELLO I AM READY, he would barely even look at what he was doing when he lifted up my phone in his other hand to snap the picture. It was pretty annoying and I think 15 year old Chooch is my least favorite edition so far.

Fun fact: these pictures were taken in the Union Dale Cemetery, which is where we used to have all of our traditional Xmas Day picnics before relocating to the Homewood Cemetery which is closer to Pink Box, where we like to snatch up from DELECTABLE ASIAN BUNS.

Another fun fact: Shortly after this picture was taken (another of Chooch’s super flattering “interesting angles,” Chooch pointed out that I had a huge dandelion stain on my chin, like A BIG PEE STREAK that would not come off no matter how hard I rubbed it with my sleeve so of course he was like OH WELL LET’S GO SO SAD. To be fair though at least he pointed it out because Henry would have just let me continue standing there having my picture taken. I mean, he’s taken pictures of me before where I had food in my teeth or my mascara is smeared and he has said literally nothing do you know why it’s because he barely looks at me long enough to notice.

SAY I’M WRONG, HENRY.

I took this one myself because Chooch was making me nervous. Also, I bought that ring a long time ago, like over 10 years ago, at the Mattress Factory and then lost it for many years and recently found it in the bathroom closet and I was so happy but I still don’t wear it very often because the ring part is wood and it looks like it could break at any moment.

Those fucking dandelions. My nose was burning and running all afternoon because of them!!

Wow, more jumping.

Me: What should I do? This?

Chooch, not even looking: Yeah. Sure.

SO FORLORN. I probably thinking about all the roller coasters I didn’t get to ride in 2020.

My friends Kevin and Lizzy sent me this old ass book several years ago!

This is my favorite one because I look content and I wonder if that’s what I really look like when I’m reading a book but Henry and Chooch will probably tell you that no, Book Erin is angry and scowling because she hates being interrupted.

I just really love this shirt so much!!!

I think this one is also a very accurate REAL LIFE depiction of me because I am in a constant state of UGH WHY ME I’M SO BORED UGH and can often be found half-collapsed in ennui, like I just fainted onto a couch.

I don’t know why I kept trying to make this hand-monocle pose a thing but it really wasn’t working and Chooch kept glaring at me.

Jillian Michaels trained me to jump so now I try to jump whenever possible to make her proud. For you, J-Girl.

Some car was slowly cruising by at this moment and I felt like a real dumb stoop.

Another selfie was Chooch was too busy texting his friends that he gets to see in person now at school yet doesn’t talk to apparently.

Oh, these tree pictures were real fun and Chooch and I didn’t fight at all.

I took this of him so he could see what I wanted and do you think he got the idea? NOPE. He just started screaming about how this was all a ruse for me to take his picture after he EXPLICITLY stated that he didn’t want his picture taken. BOO HOO.

Literally was in the middle of talking here but I liked how the rest of the picture looked so oh well, when does my face NOT fuck up a picture. Keeping it.

Oh well. As Phil Collins would say: THAT’S ALL.

I read 15 books in April. Some were super shiny gems! Some were just OK pebbles good for tossing into a pond.

1. Oona Out of Order – Margarita Montimore

I really wanted to love this book about Oona, a girl who wakes up in a random year of her life every New Year’s Eve. It starts in the early 80s, at a New Year’s Eve party in her friend’s basement, when she’s….18? I think? About to turn 19? I can’t remember, but because we start the book with her as a sprightly young thing, we get to suffer through her freaking out each time she wakes up as a much older version of herself when she’s internally still a young adult.

I should have known that I wouldn’t like this because “time travel” tropes NEVER WORK FOR ME. Probably because I’m a dumbo who just can’t understand and/or follow along but the whole time I just wanted to know: why. Only her mom and one other character in the book know that this happens to her and they try to protect her from doing stupid shit but I just could never really get a good feel for anyone in the book and thought that Oona was actually quite unlikeable but I don’t think that was the intention. I’m not just saying this because I stan Korea but the best fucking character in the book was the Korean American guitar teacher she has in one of the timelines and that plotline is just completely tossed aside. Good job, Margarita Montimore. Dumbo.

Oh also she’s super rich because of time travel / stock market, etc.

Cool cover, tho bro.

2. On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous – Ocean Vuong

My heart is aching at the very memory of reading this tragic, heartwrenching, poetic, violent, painful, sweet book written as a letter from a Vietnamese American son to his mother, who cannot read. I’ve seen a lot of people complain that it lacks a plot, but it’s literally about…life. It’s a book of personal reflection. This is a tough one to explain because it’s SO EMOTIONAL and left my face slick with tears multiple times. If you want action or a neatly packaged plot-climax-closure, then skip this.

But if you’re looking to feast upon some exquisitely crafted turns of phrase while having your heart fisted because you’re a glutton for punishment, then don’t just pick this book up, but grab the audio to really elevate the experience, as it’s narrated by Vuong himself.

One review on Goodreads summarizes my thoughts perfectly: “The author didn’t write this book; he opened his heart and just let it bleed all over the pages. Reading it cracked mine open and turned me inside out.”

OMG my sinuses are burning just thinking about the emotional journey this one took me on, lol ugh help.

3. The Dutch House – Ann Patchett

Maybe the best book I read in April? I kept putting this one off because I think I assumed it was going to be some dry, historical fiction but then I FINALLY read the synopsis (only after hearing someone rave about how the audiobook is narrated by Tom Hanks) and I thought, “OK. Maybe.”

HOLY SHIT, WHATTA RIDE. I cared so deeply for the brother and sister that this book revolves around. It’s from the POV of the younger brother, Danny, and spans the course of five decades, with THE DUTCH HOUSE firmly at the center. The Dutch House was the name of the grand estate Danny and Maeve’s father purchased for the family in the suburbs of Philly, but the mom hated the house and one day, seemingly out of the blue, leaves the family. The dad eventually remarries a woman who seems to be more into the house than him, and then eventually kicks out Danny and Maeve. They, Maeve especially, spend most of their lives obsessing over the house, and it becomes a habit for them to park their car outside of it and just…watch.

So many things about this book immediately called to mind my grandparent’s house, which Corey and I affectionately called “Gillcrest” or “116” to the point where I have often thought about getting the numbers 116 in a heart tattooed on me somewhere. And the relationship of Danny and Maeve was so real and pure, it made me so happy that Corey and I are talking again because this book probably would have destroyed me otherwise.

(I’m crying right now, lol.)

This was a solid 5 stars for me. Reading it along with Tom Hanks (when I do opt for audiobooks, I usually have the book too so I can read along) enhanced the experience because I could picture everything in my mind, like watching a movie so thank you Tom, for elevating Ann Patchett’s beautiful story to the next level. I love this book so much and I don’t often re-read things but I think this one deserves to be read more than once for sure. MAYBE AS A BUDDY-READ WITH HENRY!?!?!?

4. The Upstairs House – Julia Fine

Oh this was a weird one!! A story-within-a-story and also one of the most creative and interesting takes on the haunted house trope that I’ve experienced (haunted house tropes are my faves but I have read some really shitty ones!). This is a giant metaphor for post-partum depression and I thought it was executed skillfully and thoughtfully. It’s told from the perspective of Megan, who has just given birth to her daughter, and almost immediately she becomes haunted by the ghost of Margaret Wise Brown, a children’s book author. I loved this! Some of the chapters in the book were about Margaret’s relationship with poet/actress/socialite Michael Strange. I didn’t realize it at first because I’m an uncultured dumbass, but both of these women were real, not fictional, and the author’s note at the end even encourages readers to explore more of their works.

If you go into this expecting a legit horror story, you’ll likely be disappointed. But I thought it was poignant, candid, and laugh out loud funny at times. Julia Fine is a wonderful writer and this really worked for me. Maybe because I can remember how fucking nuts I felt after having a baby.

5. The Honey-Don’t List – Christina Lauren

Sometimes I need to break up all the hard, emotional reads with a nice, light, quirky romance, and Christina Lauren books always seems to do the trick. Nothing revolutionary here, just a good, entertaining novel about the unraveling of a famous DIY couple’s marriage and their assistants (Carey is the wife’s assistant and James is the husband’s) trying desperately to keep everything from publicly imploding. Of course, Carey and James are like oil and water, AND OMG NOW THEY HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER, GROSS.

It was cute and light and perfect for what I needed at the time.

6. The House In the Cerulean Sea – T.J.  Klune

Why did I put off reading this book for so long?!?! Oh, I know why – because I mistakenly thought it was middle grade. IT IS NOT. This is the purest, most magical, precious adult book about FITTING IN and FOUND FAMILY that has ever been written, I am not kidding. It was charming, sweet, funny, sad, JUST PERFECT.

It’s about an orphanage of misunderstood magical children and the caseworker who is assigned to spend a month there and basically write the report that will determine the future of the orphanage and the children.

My friend Sadishika called it “Umbrella Academy but make it wholesome” and I can see that! I mean, I gave it five million stars, so…

(Also, Henry read it  before me and kept saying, “WHERE ARE YOU IN THE BOOK? WHERE ARE YOU NOW? HOW ABOUT NOW? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE CHARACTER WAS? WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE?” Henry really liked it, lol.)

7. Foolish Hearts – Emma Mills

This is totally YA but I enjoyed it so much! Apparently it’s a retelling of Midsummer Night’s Dream but I am not well-versed in Shakespeare so probably even the most blatant nods were lost on me. However, I really liked the protagonist, Claudia, and really rooted for her. It just gave me all-around good, swirly feelings and actually kind of made me miss high school a little bit too.

Someone on Goodreads recommended it for “ppl who would kill Voldemort in a fuck, marry, kill game” so do with that what you will.

*(Is this even right, I don’t FRENCH. I KOREAN. Barely.) This week has really been an emotional whirlwind and I am glad to have reached the end. Here is an assortment of FIVE THINGS that happened or are just ON MY MIND (what little I have left of it!).

1. Unmasked Entitlement

Chooch and I went to Target on Saturday and, more than an entire year into the global pandemic/Great Face Mask Debate, I saw my first display of anti-mask’ing entitlement in real time.

SCENE: Front of Target, at the bargain bins (SOMETIMES THEY HAVE CUTE CONTAINERS THAT I CAN USE AS PLANT POTS). 

Some Broad, sans mask, breezes out of the bathroom. She could be anywhere from her late 20s to late 30s – it’s hard to tell with all the FAKE TANNING and BRONZER seared to her puckered face. She is wearing MARBLED LEGGINGS and a t-shirt, PROBABLY EITHER COMING OR GOING TO A SPIN CLASS. Her hair is a choppy bob, BLEACHED AND CRISPY. She has the gravely voice of someone who has been smoking since puberty and screams at her husband a lot. Not white trash, but more…fake rich trash.

Target Lady, middle aged and looks pretty NO-NONSENSE, like she has put in her time of raising numerous children over the years and is not trying to TAKE SHIT from anyone, especially ENTITLED TARGET SHOPPERS WHO PROBABLY ROOTED FOR THE INSURRECTIONISTS. “Excuse me, you need to put a mask on,” she says to Some Broad.

“I’m just going to be in here for a minute,” Some Broad fires back as she strides past Target Lady and me, heading straight for the Starbucks kiosk. The way she said it was coated in sardonic friendliness and I was like OH SHIT because I know that passive aggressive masked-belligerence tone, usually paired with a stiff smile and GLARING, SQUINTY EYES.

Don’t mind me, just standing here smelling the $3 candle jars….

“Well, you still need one,” Target Lady called after her, standing akimbo behind her sanitation station.

“Then bring me one,” Some Broad shouted snottily over her shoulder as she entered the Starbucks kiosk.

I’m standing there, barely putting any effort into my candle-sniffing ruse at this point and openly spectating, wondering how this will play out.

At first, Target Lady looked like she was going to concede defeat, but then mostly to herself she said, “You know what, I WILL,” and she snatched one of the blue disposal masks from her cart and marched over to the entrance of the Starbucks area. “Here you go,” she said, holding out the mask. But SOME BROAD would not budge from the Starbucks counter. She simply held out a limp hand, standing 15 feet away from Target Lady, forcing Target Lady to enter the Starbucks area and bring the mask ALL THE WAY TO HER.

Then we had the strained “THANKS” and “MMMMMM” exchange, at which point Target Lady turned and stormed away. We made eye contact as she walked past me and I said, “I am so sorry that you had to deal with that” and she was just like “YOU KNOW” with an eye roll. Meanwhile, SOME BROAD (who, now that I play this back in my mind, I’m not even sure she even put the mask on?!!?) proceeded to ask the Starbucks barista, “what kind of iced coffee do you have.”

Are you fucking kidding me. But, I guess getting people to read menus for her helps her achieve the next level of Ultimate Entitlement.

I just really hate people like that. Even if she is fully vaccinated (to give her the benefit of the doubt), we are still required to wear masks inside and this is not an attack on any fucking freedom, I’m so goddamn sick of it. Like my friend Todd said after I told him this story, we were told forever ago that we have to wear shirts when we go in stores, and that has been  going just fine. What’s one additional TINY PIECE OF FABRIC even matter in the grand scheme of things? Is that what you really want to expend energy fighting for? I’m just so sick of selfish Americans.

Imagine the life Some Broad probably leads. I bet she got into her FORD EXPLORER and went home to her suburban McMansion, put on some Kate & 8 reruns, heated up a Lean Cuisine. and trolled her ex’s Facebook. Dumb bitch.

2. Genesis Sibling Night

My bro Corey texted me last week to tell me that GENESIS is coming to Pittsburgh and thank god he told me because I am so disconnected from the Western entertainment world that I honestly had no idea. We both signed up for the verified fan presale and were both selected, so we got the opportunity to purchase tickets three days before the general sale and BOY WAS I NERVOUS. Big concerts are so fucking stressful to buy tickets for, I hate it so much. And I haven’t had to do this since the SuperM concert in 2019!!

But I like that Ticket Master is all “let’s fuck those bots up their stainless steel assholes” by having legit fans verify themselves and use special links and codes in order to get tickets. IT WAS STILL STRESSFUL THOUGH!!

I took one of the team and offered to do the purchasing since Corey wasn’t going to be home when sales went live, and I was sweating gumballs, to quote my grandma. First, it was saying my code was invalid then it was mad because I was leaving single seats stranded or something and that was a new thing to me, and then when I finally secured two seats and went to pay, it stayed on that “HOLD TIGHT WHILE WE VERIFY YOUR SEATS” screen for like 10 minutes before TIMING OUT and dumping me back into the seating chart page.

I was screaming!!

BUT. I was able to get two slightly better seats because of that.

Floor seats were outrageous, but this was the next best thing, as far as I could tell from the tiny dots I was looking at!

So, five years after THE HOUSE ON GILLCREST drama, my brother Corey and I will be seeing for the first time the band that I think we both grew to love from all the time we spent at our grandparents’ house growing up. The “Invisible Touch” album is definitely the soundtrack to my kitchen! When I listen to that while muddling through my breakfast preparation in the mornings, I feel like I could conquer the world.

All I know is that if/when Tonight Tonight Tonight is performed, I am going to lose my fucking mind.

3. Buddy & the Babies

Remember when I mentioned the other day that we discovered Girl Buddy wasn’t actually pregnant but that she HAD ALREADY HAD THE BABIES? Well, she’s been bringing them around every day now and they are so fucking cute. They look more like pre-teens because they apparently don’t  leave the nest for several months, so she likely had them sometime last fall maybe? Beginning of winter? I don’t fucking  know, I didn’t go to college for Squirrelogy! (Though it feels like I’m currently enrolled.)

Ignore the mess – I have to sweep the porch like 87 times a day because of these brats. They are so messy!!

4. More Vintage Vacation Journal Fun

Literally no one requested this but here is ANOTHER PEEK INTO 10-YEAR-OLD ERIN’S VACATION JOURNAL.

The brother in question was not Corey, but my other brother Ryan. I no longer hate him, don’t worry!!

5. SAY IT AIN’T SO, KWANGSOO

Henry and I don’t watch Running Man regularly anymore (my ADD is off the charts these days)  but when I saw recently that Lee Kwangsoo is stepping down due to health reasons, I actually cried real tears. He is one of my favorites! Henry and I were just recently watching some clips on YouTube and laughing our faces off – that show is so fucking funny, even if you’re not Korean, the humor still comes through and Henry and I have both laughed until our stomachs hurt while watching some of these episodes, and it was largely because Kwangsoo IS SUCH A FUCKING CHARACTER.

I’ve mentioned it on here so many times, but Running Man was one of the first shows I started watching when I got into Korean culture and it will always be so special to me. During both of our trips to Korea, there were numerous times when Henry and I would be like DIDN’T RUNNING MAN FILM HERE?!? and get so giddy over it. (Well, I would get giddy Henry would just say “heh” and move on with his life.) And when I taught myself the hangeul alphabet, watching Running Man was like unlocking so many doors in my mind because suddenly I could read the names on the name tags, and even some of the words on  the screen!

For those who don’t know, Running Man is a variety show with a fixed cast (Kwangsoo was one of the OG members) and usually they will have celebrity guests on, too. The ones with BIGBANG are the BEST, obviously! It’s called Running Man because in the beginning seasons, the shows would culminate in a huge game of tag, essentially, where everyone would have to try and rip each others’ name tags off.

Anyway, Kwangsoo was the “maknae” (youngest) of the cast and the abuse he endured was hilarious and also painful to watch at times! This show really takes a physical toll on all of the members and I hope that Kwangsoo spends his Running Man-less time taking care of himself and getting some much-needed rest. But oof, he will be missed. :(

And for your Friday Night Viewing Enjoyment, here’s a compilation of some of the best tag elimination / chases over the years! Seriously, this show makes me laugh so hard. America could never have a show like this.

When Pittsburgh Public Schools originally announced that kids who were not put in any of the mandatory ‘back-to-school’ groups (i.e. kids with special needs, kids with poor virtual attendance, I actually don’t know because Henry is the one who read those emails not me hahaha), the rest of the kids had the option to return to school in May for a hybrid thingie (two days in school, three days virtual). Chooch was like NAH I’M COOL THANKS. So we opted out. But then I started to panic. Did we make the wrong choice? Would it be better for him to return, even if it is super late into the year, just so he can get the feel for a school that he has only been inside of once (for orientation that happened literally two weeks before everything shut the fuck down in March 2020)? So Henry contacted the person in charge to tell them that we changed our mind and that Chooch would be returning to in-person.

Today was the first day for that to happen, so Henry took today and tomorrow off work to ensure that we get him to school smoothly because I cannot be trusted with such a daunting task and we have no idea what bus he’s supposed to take because the STUPID PORT AUTHORITY WEBSITE WAS DOWN. Yes, he has to take regular public transportation to this school which is so fucking stupid but that’s what happens when there is a shortage of school bus drivers because people apparently don’t want to work I guess???

I decided I would go along for the ride because I’m late shift today and wouldn’t it be SO NICE if Henry and I had A BREAKFAST DATE AFTERWARD?

But first, we had to get Mr. Miz(rable) to school. I thought it would be fun for Henry and I to both walk him to the front door of the school, Chooch ensconced in a parental posse, but he wasn’t too KEEN on that suggestion. Instead, we had to park halfway down the block and release him into the wild.

Chooch’s school is pretty much on the University of Pittsburgh campus, so it was actually very reminiscent of the times Henry would drive me to class when I was at Pitt and I would basically roll out of the car and hide behind a bush until it was safe to come out. God forbid anyone think my DADDY was dropping me off at school!

After we dropped him off, we went to Polish Hill and walked around for about 30 minutes, waiting for Kaibur Cafe to open at 8:00am. It was pretty cold this morning and Bitch Baby Henry was only wearing a t-shirt (and pants, don’t worry) so he was like OMG I AM SO COLD and I was like “Bitch, maybe check the weather once in a while, that’s why I’m wearing a sweater.”

See also: in our weekly team meeting at work, the common topic is ALWAYS WEATHER so that is usually how I know what to expect, like the time I said a few weeks ago that it was going to snow and Henry was like BULLSHIT and I was like OK WAIT AND SEE and then it snowed and I was like THANK YOU, WEEKLY TEAM MEETING.

Henry was such a little cunt about sitting on this horsie. “UGH IT’S COLD AND WET OMG I’M SUCH A PUSSY BITCH NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT I CRIED FOR MY MOMMY EVERY DAY WHEN I WAS IN THE SERVICE.”

Here in my hand please find a copy of “The Dead Hour” by Denise Mina which I plucked from a Little Free Library moments before this photo was taken. IT BETTER BE GOOD because I had to carry it around with me for the rest of the walk.

I’m sure Chooch is fine but I kept saying “DO YOU THINK CHOOCH IS OK” every three minutes. I mean, he’s a pretty social kid and pretty much immediately made a group of friends last fall and I think at least one of them is also starting back IRL today so I was like, “DID YOU TEXT DANIIL AND TELL HIM YOU’LL MEET HIM AT LUNCH OR WHATEVER” and Chooch just glared at me so I’m not sure what that means, but we at least took him to get his hair cut last night (super last minute, true to form) so he won’t be walking down the halls looking like the Partridge Family today.

He refused to take his Frozen hand sanitizer though so Henry to give him a normal one.

Wow, so artful. But also, I can see my work building and I’m kind of sad. But also kind of still not ready to go back? LOL, I’m such a hypocrite, forcing my kid to go back to real school (“It’ll be good for you to slowly immerse yourself back into a routine!”) while I’m over here panicking about when we’ll get the official OK to return to the office.

I would like to make a cute mosaic on our front porch I WONDER IF THE SQUIRRELS WOULD LIKE THAT.

Then we ordered our food at 8 and had to sit in the car while waiting for it because it was chilly outside and some dumb guy walked by pushing a stroller, dog on leash, toddler trailing behind. Henry said, “What do you think that kid’s name is?” and with no hesitation at all, I blurted out, “Zephyr.” So then Henry kept laughing which was off-putting because he never laughs at anything I say because only MANS IS FUNNEE, and he kept hoping the guy would call his kid so we could find out but he never did but also he looked the kind of dad that would say, “SONNY BOY” instead of the kid’s name.

Then we brought our breakfast home and I’ll tell you, my vegan tofu scramble sammy was good but not $13’s worth of good.

And now I will walk to the post office and then eventually log onto work while doling out duties for Henry because STAY AT HOME is my FAVORITE HENRY. And hopefully Chooch checks in with us at some point?!!? I forgot to yell “DON’T GET BULLIED!! MOMMY LOVES YOU!!” out the window when he got out of the car UGHHHH.

Pictures of my cats, paired up with some sentences. So blessed.

Trying to figure out why the squirrels like the windowsill.

• My brother and I signed up for the Genesis tour presale which happens tomorrow and hopefully we get tickets! I absolutely hate big arena/stadium concerts because the process of buying tickets is so stressful and icky. I can only hope it’s better than trying to get kpop tickets! I’ve seen Phil Collins once when I was in high school, and I saw Mike + the Mechanics several years ago, BUT NEVER HAVE I EVER SEEN GENESIS.

• I started watching Shadow & Bone on Netflix, with major skepticism. I couldn’t finish the book series because, contrary to popular opinion, I really don’t like Leigh Bardugo’s writing. Everyone’s all OMG HER WORLD BUILDING but I couldn’t picture anything (and HONEY my imagination is GOODLY) and I felt all the characters were flat AF. I think I gave the first book a 3.5 because Booktube gaslit me but that second book was a SNOOZEFEST. I just can’t be bothered to pick up another Bardugo book. But the series so far is pretty decent! First of all, holy shit, they made Mal seem like an actual person but with more than one dimension! And they’re weaving the Six of Crows storyline into it which I didn’t read that duology but those characters are THE SHIT so should I attempt to read it??!!

• There was this vegan joint we wanted to eat at when we were in Columbus last week but then I realized that morning that they’re closed on Sundays so I was super sad, and THEN USA Today featured them in a list of the Top 10 vegan BBQ places in the US so now I’m super mad.

• You guys! It’s Asian Read-a-thon month! I read a ton of Asian authors to begin with but I try to read ALL Asian for the month of May and I’m so excited about my TBR! If you are reading this and would like some good Asian recs PLEASE ASK ME because I love to recommend books!

• Henry just sat down and literally started reading off a recycling chart to me as if I’m not writing in my blog. He gets ruder and ruder as he ages, ISTG.

• Henry cleaned and fluffed my old chaise lounge that I’ve had since I first moved into this bitch ass house in 1999. We moved it onto the back porch last December after we scored the church pew, and I had dreams of transforming the porch into my cozy reading nook for spring time and that was all good and grand until I realized that HENRY’S GRANDKIDS’ PLAY ROOM IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL so unless they’re not home, I guess I won’t be relaxxin’ and maxxin’ on the porch with a book. Ugh kids seriously. Between the ones next door, and what sounds like an entire nursery school in the house behind us, I am already craving those closed window winters again. *CRIES IN ANTI-KID*

• I told Chooch that all I want for Mother’s Day is the ability to use my mom’s old Jackie Sorenson aerobics video that I’ve been obsessed with since I was in middle school and took with me when I moved out of the house at 18 but now I don’t have a VCR anymore and I want to somehow transfer the tape onto something else that will enable me work out to the fucking fantastic soundtrack of FOREIGNER, ENGLAND DAN & JOHN FORD COLEY, AND BARBARA STREISAND. I know he will fail because I asked him the other day to remind me what I wanted for Mother’s Day and he was like, “………………………”

• Friendly reminder that Seungri still hasn’t been charged with anything and BIGBANG is the greatest Kpop group of all time.

• You guys! We made reservations for our first amusement park since December 2019! We’re going to Hershey in two weeks and I AM SO FUCKING READY TO RIDE ROLLER COASTERS AND TELL HENRY THAT HE’S BREATHING HEAVY WHILE WE’RE STANDING IN LINE! I know Chooch is ready to dust off his coaster credit Excel spreadsheet, lol.

• Here is an excerpt from my first vacation journal (which is still sitting out on the coffee table so I skim through it every now and then for, what do they call ’em, SHITS & GIGGLES: Orlando July 8, 1989 TODAY WE ARE GOING TO LEAVE. I’M GOING TO MISS IT. I WANT TO FEED THE DUCKS BEFORE WE GO. SO FAR I DIDN’T SEE THEM YET. WELL, THE DUCKS CAME. WE FED THEM A BUN. THEN WE WENT TO PERKINS FOR BREAKFAST. WE BROUGHT THE DUCKS PANCAKES AND FRENCH TOAST. WHEN WE CAME BACK THE DUCKS ATE EVERYTHING! THEN I WROTE A NOTE TO THE NEXT PEOPLE WHO WILL LIVE THERE TO FEED THE DUCKS.

Wow, on that scintillating literary note, I am signing off. BYE BOY.

Good morning, it’s the first Sunday in May (also Henry’s mom’s bday, shout out to Judy!) and I have some thoughts and photos to share.

I got my second Pfizer shot on Thursday! In less then two weeks now, both Henry and I will be fully good to go! Anyway, as I previously mentioned, we went to different vaccination sites and even though I got my first shot nearly a week before his, he got his second shot two days before me because the place I went to was scheduling the second dose for 4 weeks out instead of 3 ughhh. Anyway, this time henry got a FUCKING PIN to boast his newly vaccinated self, a tote bag, AND AN AQUA MAN BANDAID.

I didn’t get anything other than that weird UFO bandage again but this time went so much more smoothly and I almost was able to walk right in without waiting at all, AND the volunteer who checked me out after I received the jab was my old Girl Scout troop leader, Donna!! So that was really nice to see a familiar face!

I requested Thursday and Friday off from work just in case I had a bad case of “second dose” like a lot of people had but aside from soreness from the actual jab and slight chills and fatigue that night and a bit the next day, it wasn’t really anything to complain about and honestly the fear of getting COVID and infecting others GREATLY OUTWEIGHED the fear of having a fever or whatever for 24 hours. Please please please don’t skip the second shot!

Meanwhile, Henry has been on a zoo deep dive ever since we went to the Columbus Zoo last weekend. “Apparently the largest zoo in the world is the London Zoo,” he reported after one of his research sessions.

Coincidentally, a few days earlier I had skimmed my baby’s first vacation journal for shits and giggles, even holding Henry hostage on the couch as I read aloud countless passages penned by a 10-year-old me. But by doing so, I discovered that I have actually been to the London Zoo and have no recollection and the following entry KIND OF jostled free some dormant memories and I immediately felt like shit:

Please allow me to tell you what I was able to READ BETWEEN THE LINES: not so much my mom, but my Grandma was EXTREMELY controlling of my appearance. Look, when I was 10, I had braces, two chins, an unruly rat’s nest of hair.

I was F-to-the-RUMPY, you guys. And my mom used to insist that I pull the sides of my hair away from face with the aid of these shitty barretts (sic) that HURT MY FUCKING HEAD. Apparently, she told my grandma to make sure that I wore them on vacation and my grandma could be so fucking mean, so while it looks like Sharon is being the asshole in this situation, I can 100% promise you that she was trying to protect me from my grandma’s emotionally abusive wrath and as I read this last week, as a 41-year-old grown-ass woman, I felt so fucking small all over again.

I know that I am very privileged in that I got to travel to all these great places as a kid, but the psychological price that I paid has left me with an everlasting emotional debt. No fucking wonder I don’t remember going to this goddamn zoo because I can guarantee you that what I left off the page is all the puke-inducing sobbing I probably did while left alone in the hotel room that morning.

OMG I know that Henry and I bicker here and there when we travel but I fucking PRAY that we have left Chooch with more good memories than not so that when he’s an adult thinking back on these trips, he will just smile instead of feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

But in funnier vacation journal entries, here’s one from the same trip where I recount all of my self-diagnosed maladies:

We had a “match the baby picture with the co-worker” contest at work (apparently this was something I suggested several years ago and the Event Committee used it!?) and I came in second place which is annoying because NATE came in first place AND I GAVE HIM SOME ANSWERS!! Oh well, I was still happy with my Amazon gift card, which I used to buy these cute solar-powered ball thingies for the porch and a 10 pound bag of “backyard critter” feed, lol.

Well that’s all for me right now. I’m having a great weekend watching Henry get stuff done but now it’s time for my second walk of the day. I gotta go go go!