In an effort to cleanse the eyeballs of rollercoaster-related word overload, here is a round-up of bullets featuring the latest bullshit in my life. Wow, such self-importance.

• Over the weekend, I had this dream where Henry turned out to be some sort of immortal entity, it had something to do with apples like he was an Orchard Overlord or some such bullshit, and therefore told me that we could not be together since I was merely a flesh-sack with an expiration date. I got SUPER hysterical in my dream, could actually feel my heart splintering, and I was following him all around this…ORCHARD?? I JUST REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY AN ORCHARD…begging him to “turn me,” god only know what THAT would entail. Anyway, I woke up Sunday morning and was proceeded to oscillate between extreme clinginess and Tourettes-like barrages of insults which obviously is me flirting. HE PLANNED THIS.
  • It was *almost* as bad as SPOILER ALERT when Mike Delfino was killed on Desperate Housewives and I somehow projected this onto my relationship with Henry and at one point I clung to his legs and pleaded him not to leave the house because I didn’t want him to die. 
• The first weekend we were home After Vacation, I was sitting on the couch reading when suddenly I heard HNC’s wife-thing shouting from her porch, “HNC! COME GET YOUR FRIEND!” and then she was Yinzer-shrieking, “Shoo! Shoo!” Sure enough, I looked outside and saw that BUDDY (my favorite Buddy at that: GIRL Buddy) was sitting in her yard, noshing on a peanut. Literally, HNC’s wife had to call HNC up from the backyard just to have him walk toward Buddy so that she would come back to our yard. Then he proceeded to stand there, shaking his head and staring at her as she helped herself to more peanuts on our porch WHICH SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DO SO. I am so sick of these people taking offense to every little goddamn thing that happens on this block. KINDLY SIT ON A DICK, THANK YOU.
  • who the fuck SHOOS a squirrel, amirite?! Jesus Christ, what a miserable human.
• Hello, some vegan treats we’ve had since we’ve been home are as follows: the pandan horchata of my dreams and tamales from Onion Maiden, and donuts from Valkyrie Donuts. Something about the square shape of them makes them even more fun to me. And they were so fucking delicious! I mean, Henry and Chooch didn’t even wait for me to come into the kitchen before they were already hacking away at them.

• Chooch was cutting the grass the other day (what a shocker, that kid does the bare minimum around here). I was in the house and noticed that there was a loud noise and then silence. Then I hear Wife of HNC say, “DIDYA HIT SOMETHING?” and then a male voice joined in so I looked out the window just in time  to see one of the guys who lives several houses up walking toward our yard with something metal in his hand OH OK IT JUST PART OF THE FUCKING BLADE THAT’S ALL. Whatever Chooch mowed over SNAPPED PART OF THE BLADE OFF and sent it cruising up the block where it struck a telephone pole right next to the neighbor guy, who happened to be working on his car on the street. The sidewalk on our block almost always has pedestrians on it so the fact that no one was there when this happened was so lucky, otherwise it could have been a FINAL DESTINATION scene. Henry Dearest went running outside to pretend like he was there the whole time and hadn’t left his incompetent son unsupervised, and Chooch was like, “Cool I guess that means my lawnmowing privileges’ are revoked, bye.” Meanwhile the neighbor guy was fixated on the fact the blade could have hit a nearby parked BMW, never mind the fact that his fucking head was inches away from becoming a Dario Argento wet dream.
• Olympics thoughts: while I am depressed that they’re over, I think it’s fair to say that they just weren’t the same. I mean, obviously. I miss Michael Phelps SO MUCH and I hated all the negativity toward Simone Biles (but was also pleasantly surprised to see that she was getting just as much support too!). The whole thing was so underwhelming, just like Jade Carey and her mom:

• • • I got super into rhythmic gymnastics this time though  but felt that the Italian team’s routine would have been so much better if they used Goblin’s theme for Suspiria, whoa two Argento references in one post DO I SMELL A MOVIE NIGHT COMING UP?
• I finally chased down that elusive 365 streak on Duolingo after years of being thwarted by time changes or thinking I had a streak saver thing WHEN I DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAVE ONE.  Literally, one time I lost a huge streak because I was ON THE PLANE HOME FROM THE COUNTRY WHOSE LANGUAGE I AM TRYING TO LEARN.

• At least once a week I rant to Henry about how much I hate the song American Pie, like I truly fucking want to punt it straight back up into where it came from: Don McLean’s puckered asshole. The radio station Henry has on in our bedroom plays it so fucking much that I truly hear it about once a day. THAT IS A LOT OF AMERICAN PIE. Was it even played that much back in the day when the choices were slim-pickins?? Anyway, this latest time that I heard it, I felt inspired to smash a dish against my face, but instead I texted, “AND I HATE THAT HE RHYMES DOORSTEP WITH STEP, WHAT LAZY FUCKING SONG-WRITING.” Oh, just fuck off!!!
• MY MISTER SOFTEE SHIRT IS HERE!

• And let’s end on a bright, positive CAT NOTE:

And as always: COOK ON, MOTHERCHEFFERS!

I’ve been so excited to finally get to the Wildwood portion of this trip (in real life, and also in blog life too) because it was hands down the most magical time. I am sure anyone reading this is sick of reading about HOW SENTIMENTAL this place is to me but this place is SO SENTIMENTAL TO ME. Some of my earliest memories are from Wildwood because my family (including my grandparents) used to vacation here every summer. I’m not sure why we stopped, but the last time I was here was in 1991, and it makes me sad because my youngest brother Corey would have only been a bit over a year old and has said that he doesn’t really have any memories of this place.

Henry and I had tossed around the idea of vacationing here in the past but then it never panned out for one reason or another, and honestly, as much as I love this place, I was worried that a full week would be overkill. WE.ARE.NOT.BEACH.PEOPLE. I guess I was as a kid, but the thought of spending all day laying on a beach, for multiple days, just sounds horrific to me. I need action and scenery changes. So we decided for my birthday trip that we would spend two nights there and plan everything else around it.

We left our dumb hotel in Baltimore early Wednesday morning (after I pissed around trying to feed a local Mr. Gray Guy* a peanut and didn’t realize that there was a man sitting next to me in his car the whole time spectating me waving a peanut at a tree) and grabbed breakfast at a nearby Sheetz then proceeded to Wildwood!

*(We keep peanuts in the car now for when we run into squirrels away from home, oh my god, we all need help don’t we?)

Ugh but first we had to stop and get Chooch new shoes because he’s an idiot.

But then suddenly we started seeing signs for Wildwood and I was bugging out bad.

Literally started crying when I saw this.

OK I’m not going to get into this because it’s just me being a negative asshole but I got really angry about the place Henry booked and let’s face it, it’s 100% only because it wasn’t one of the places we used to stay when I was a kid and I was FIXATED on that, as I live boldly with one foot constantly in the past. Can’t change, won’t change! So this resulted in me bluffing about how I just wanted to go home and Henry (allegedly *not* bluffing) saying “FINE” and us getting in the car and starting to drive home. We had An Argument about how he is Not My Papppap and cannot afford to give me the Wildwood Trip of My Childhood but that he is Doing the Best That He Can and then after I spat out some torrent of obscenities, the car spoke back to me, “I’m sorry, I cannot find Fuck you Henry you ruin everything you dumb cunt” and then I started laughing so hard that I was crying and Henry turned the car around and we went back to Wildwood and proceeded to have the BEST TIME EVER.

LITERALLY.

THE BEST.

WE ALL GOT ALONG. NO ARGUING. HENRY BOUGHT ME EVERYTHING I WANTED. CHOOCH GOT TO BLOW MONEY IN THE ARCADES.

The Gold Crest 100% wasn’t even bad at all, and Henry if you’re reading this, I’m sorry that I let my emotions control me as usual. It was a struggle for me at first being back there because my Pappap was the greatest person in my whole entire life and I am so totally not over his death and still cry about him often (like right now as I type this) and I low key will admit that this is part of the reason I haven’t been back to Wildwood in over 30 years. I was so worried it wouldn’t hold up, that it was only as Babylonian as it was because my Pappap was there with me, that I had it built up too much in my head and would be disappointed returning there as an adult.

The Gold Crest ended up being perfect for us. It was actually across the street from my beloved Olympic, which, to be honest, might have actually been a let down had we stayed there because shortly after our last time there, they rebranded from the Olympic Motor Inn to the Olympic Island Beach Resort or something and that might have fucked with my brain. I think it’s better that we stayed somewhere different and now we can have a “new” traditional place to stay if we ever go back (LOL we are going back ASAP, bitch try and stop me).

I mean, part of the novelty of Wildwood is staying in a room with Golden Girls vibes and this place provided.

Chooch was happy because he got his own room and TV.

Dude. That 80s hotel art. Perfection.

After we got settled in (we were able to check-in early, thank god), we set off for THE BOARDWALK which was a walkable distance from the Gold Crest and the amount of times we’d walk and forth between the boardwalk and our hotel was staggering and is what helped push me past 40,000 steps on our second day in Wildwood!

Here are some pictures of Chooch grudgingly posing in front of the Boardwalk sign with me. He, at this point, still had no idea the fantastical things, sounds, and smells that were about to greet him once we walked up those steps!

In an effort to keep this post from being a novel, I’m just going to post pictures of the boardwalk and do a separate post about the rides at Morey’s Pier. OK, also it’s because I want to drag this out for as long as possible because this is the most happy and excited I’ve been since Korea. So sue me.

That moment when the RIDES BECAME VISIBLE.

Oh shit, you guys, my family was obsessed with “Hot Spot B” when we used to visit, and I have vague memories of sitting on a stool and eating a hotdog while being super anxious to get back to the rides. Hot Spot B isn’t there anymore but the original Hot Spot is, as well as two others. I was so excited to eat here!!

Chooch wasn’t impressed, he never is.

I mean you can’t really go wrong with boardwalk pizza!

I was just sad because they didn’t have any SHIRTS for sale.

Then Chooch got sucked into an arcade like a…Chooch to a Claw Machine.

This carpet gave me slight Gillcrest Gameroom vibes. </3

Chooch reminded me of Corey Haim’s character Sam from The Lost Boys, except that instead of a comic book store on the boardwalk, it was multiple arcades. He’d just text us when he needed more money. LOOK AT HIM IN THERE. Where did my little BABY GO.

Kohr Bros! I 100% do not remember this from my childhood but it must have been there because it says SINCE 1919??

I couldn’t spend a week on the beach, but I could probably spend a week cruising this boardwalk. Everything about it made me so happy.

A rare sighting of Chooch outside of his arcade habitat.

We left the boardwalk around 7:00pm, went back to the room and rested for a bit, and then came back around 9:00pm for some night ride action, which we will get to in the next post!

Literally, every time we walked past the Olympic, I made sure to make some asshole-y comment about how we COULD HAVE been staying there but Henry just blocked me out. There was a hotel nearby that was gutted and I said to Chooch, “I’m surprised he didn’t just have us squatting there for two nights” and then the next day, Henry tried to make a similar joke when we walked past it but Chooch and I both cut him off and said, “YEAH WE ALREADY SAID THAT TRY TO KEEP UP.” It’s amazing that Henry didn’t attempt to dump our bodies in the Atlantic.

I did really like the red door / turquoise curtains aesthetic that the Gold Crest had going for it though.

Morey’s Pier and boardwalk-after-dark recap coming next. Ciao for now!

But first! Here’s a mirror selfie from the lobby of whatever hotel we stayed at in Williamsburg the night before. I remember it being moderately decent so thank you Henry for considering my standards when booking this place. Also, I look like a crazy person here, probably because of THE LOCH NESS MONSTER run-around from earlier that night, omg just read the previous post if you have no idea what I’m talking about, god!

On Tuesday morning, we had plenty of time for once so we eschewed the complimentary hotel breakfast and had The Mama Steve’s Experience which was quite honestly a BIG HIGHLIGHT of the trip for me. You just never know what obscure feature of an itinerary is going to thoroughly tickle my obsession bone.

After my hyper-exciting Mama Steve’s visit, we began the hour-ish drive to Doswell, Virginia for some King’s Dominion action. We were recently here in 2019 so there are no new creds for Chooch to snag, but this park is too amazing to pass by, especially when we have Cedar Fair passes that give us free parking and entry. I mean, why the hell would you willingly skip a park that has one of the best B&M gigas, and a world-class RMC hybrid coaster?! Literally two of our favorite types of coasters!

We arrived a bit before gates opened, around 11:00am, and it was already a scorcher out there. That’s what I remember the most about waiting in that line:  feeling the rivulets of sweat sluicing down my back, ugh the horror.

Hilariously, once the gates opened and the line started to move, some bitches had the audacity to try to cut in front of us when we were next to go through security. Their excuse was that they had been standing near the front of the line but got out to go to the bathroom and when they came back, the line was moving. I said, “Oh well” and angled my body so they couldn’t squeeze in. I’m just so fucking sick of it. Go stand in line like everyone else! I swear to god we did not experience this bullshit at any amusement park we went to in South Korea or Japan. Maybe if we only went to one or  two parks a year, it wouldn’t make me so angry when you go to as many as we do and you see it happen at each damn place, the entitlement and 눈치 없다 (LACK OF CONSIDERATION) really starts to wear on a person.

Furthermore, yes they were letting us inside the park but only the front section is open and the rest of the pathways are cordoned off until noon, so what the fuck is the damn rush anyway, get to the back of the line. And it clearly didn’t take them that much longer to get inside, because once we walked to the path we needed for Twisted Timbers, they showed up less than 5 minutes after us. P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E.

Anyway!! We did not have to suffer through the National Anthem at 11:58am. Instead,  the security guard manning the gate at the path we were on yelled out a bunch of rules or whatever, and then (slowly!!) opened the gate for us. A handful of people ran but I had already proclaimed that I was not running since it wasn’t even that crowded to begin with, and it turned out we didn’t even need to because only one old Super Coaster Fan and a group of 5 teenaged boys beat us to the entrance of Twisted Timbers, which of course WASN’T EVEN DONE TESTING YET so we had to wait AGAIN.

I was super annoyed because the guy stationed at the entrance of the line sat there like an oaf the entire time, knowing full well that the kids in front of us wouldn’t be able to go through the line because they were wearing fanny packs and some coasters have a new-ish rule where all items larger than phones, wallets and keys have to be stored in a paid locker, and then once you get near the ride station and go through a metal detector, you’re directed off to an area of free complimentary lockers to stow away your small items. I love this new system and hope more parks start using it because it makes the actual ride ops go much smoother since people aren’t having to climb over the seats to put their shit in a bin on the other side of the platform, or worse – they’re trying to smuggle their phones on the ride and then slowing down the process because now they’re being stubborn and arguing with the ride operators. UGH. Just follow the goddamn rules – no one wants to get their teeth knocked out when you lose your grip on your phone because you’re trying to record a TikTok on a rollercoaster.

Honestly!!

Anyway, what I’m getting at is that this employee stared at these kids for the full 20 minutes they were standing there waiting for the line to open up, only to wait until he unchained the entrance to say, “You have to get a locker for those.” If he had said something to them earlier, I would have gladly let them back in line, especially because only one of them would have had to get out of line to do that, and the lockers were right across from us. Also, because they weren’t annoying me and it was kind of endearing because two of them had never ridden Twisted Timbers or anything remotely like it (one even said “what’s that?” when one of the friends mentioned airtime), and I really wanted them to get on this ride and love it!

So now, the older Coaster Enthusiast (who was in the Fast Pass line) was pretty much already at the station, while we were being held up behind a group of boys frantically trying to figure out what to do. Some dad got out of line to come over and tell them to just stash their stuff behind a bush, but surly unsmiling Twisted Timbers line guardian monotoned, “You can’t do that.”

FINALLY one of the guys took one for the team and said, “Here just give me your stuff and ride without me. I’ll get a locker.”

The Ultimate Sacrifice. The Henry of the Group.

What a hero!

By now though, no one else had joined Older Coaster Enthusiast (Henry said, “That guy probably comes here alone every day, rides his faves then leaves.” WHAT A LIFE!) so he got to ride the first train, alone and in the front seat! I WAS SO JEALOUS!!

But we got on the second one. Also taking one for the team was Our Henry who took all of our phones with him through the line and got the free locker, which caused him to fall behind us but he still managed to get on the train right after us and then called us assholes because we never wait for him and your whole group is actually supposed to leave the line together in order to get a locker but we were like BYEEE SUCKER.

Oh shit you guys, I can’t believe that the first time I ever rode this bad boy, I was underwhelmed. It was running SO GOOD on this day, and Chooch and I immediately got right back in line (without Henry lol). If you’ve never ridden an RMC, ya gotta get yourself on one. It will change your whole idea of what a roller coaster can be, IFSTG. Steel Vengeance at Cedar Point is still my favorite, but Twisted Timbers is probably my second. I’m dying to go to Poland and experience Zadra which looks like it COULD be the one to dethrone SteVe, ugh Covid please kindly fuck off.

The rest of the day was spent re-experiencing other faves, like Back Lot Stunt Coaster which might be run down and old at this point, and the effects don’t work anymore, but it’s still a fun time. AND we rode it with this super entertaining group. One of the guys behind us screamed really loud and high-pitched at the end when the train comes tearing out of the building and underneath the ride queue, and it was hilarious. Then he said something about how he hoped he wasn’t going to lose his voice since he had to be on TV the next day, causing Chooch and me to exchange silent “Ooooh?”s with our eyeballs. I bet he’s a news person, he had a news person voice.

As with almost every other park this year, staffing is an issue so tons of food places were closed for the season. The only ice cream place that was opened was a hard-packed ice cream joint and I just wanted soft serve. So that left Rita’s. Which, you know, was fine. Custard is good and their sprinkle mix has purple ones in it! That doesn’t happen often!

Sometimes I think I get soft serve just for the sprinkles. But don’t get it twisted (timbers) – I don’t like just ANY sprinkle. I’ve had some really gross ones before that have ruined the whole experience for me. These ones were pleasant though.

Made them ride the Racer. It was…not as fun as I remember, BUT it was memorable because the one ride attendant was a girl named Ty and she was SO JOYFUL. Henry and I were in the last row and she hung back there and engaged in conversations with every single person, including this one equally-chatty preteen who was telling her some long-winded story and Ty was being so polite that she almost got in trouble because she was supposed to be checking restraints – don’t worry, she checked them! She was just waiting for the girl to finish her story. Lol.

The chatty preteen told me she liked my Marcy tattoo and thank god Chooch was out of earshot because as you know he hates when I receive compliments. SORRY I AM NOT A PLAIN MOM.

I laughed when I saw this because my squirrels make that same pose as Henry sometimes! They sit up and look at me, one paw on their chest, as if they’re saying, “Who, me?” God I missed those kids while we were away! And the cats too obviously but I knew my mom was feeding them and playing with them while we were gone but I worried she wasn’t paying enough attention the squirrels. :/

I still don’t get why people love this ride so much, I truly thought I was going to die on it.

King’s Dominion is so beautiful. I think King’s Island has a SLIGHTLY better coaster collection, but King’s Dominion is the prettier of the two. And everyone there is so nice.

Halfway through the day, we had just gotten off a family ride on Apple Zapple when Chooch started to get real snotty. I can’t even remember what we started arguing about but it had something to do with where we were going to eat there and he just always has to have the last word which doesn’t work in this household because I’m the OG House Member and I am the one who has to have the last word. So then Henry Buttinsky had to get involved and I didn’t like the fact that he was on his OWN side and not defending me so I just fucking lost my shit and screamed, “THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY. WE’RE LEAVING.” And then I proceeded to storm off without them, all the way back to the car. When they finally caught up with me and Henry unlocked the door, I got in and slammed the door while Chooch was trying to apologize but you know what? BY THIS POINT IT WAS HENRY WHO I HATED so when he opened the driver’s side door I started screaming in his face about how he undermined my parental authority when he’s the one who always says, “If you have a problem with Chooch you need to handle it” like oh OK thanks dad, can you leave the parenting manual behind while you kindly go FUCK YOURSELF STRAIGHT TO HELL.

I don’t know if anyone was around in the parking lot for this but if they had been, they surely got a free show because my temper was making ALL OF MY VEINS pulsate and then I started full-on sobbing which is my body’s Code Red response to anger (we’ve yet to reach the Code Black response yet, which is surely murder). So now Henry had adopted his soothing therapist voice and Chooch was in the backseat profusely apologizing and I was hiccuping, “I hate both of you, you ruined my life!” But then I started laughing, dried off my face, and we all went back into the park where we managed to have a wonderful second half of the day.

Chooch had to pose for every picture I wanted After the Fight.

We rode Intimidator three times. I love this beast so much but holy shit, it is so forceful and rough – I grayed out so bad on one of the rides that I was actually concerned I wasn’t going to come back lol. The last time we rode it, there was a man in front of Henry who was SO EXCITED and he kept screaming about how many times he’d ridden Intimidator that day and how he was going to get right back on it. He was so pure. Be that guy.

I just asked Chooch if he has anything to add before I publish this and he said, “Hot. It was hot.” You can always count on Henry Jr. for scintillating reviews.

But yeah, it was hot. My face was MOIST with sweat puddles all day. It was so hot that we willingly went on Boo Blasters and Flight of Fear just for the A/C.

Love ya, King’s Dominion!

We decided to leave around 7 and get dinner outside of the park and miraculously we found a place about 30 minutes away that had veggie burgers!

Yo, Tito’s.

Yelp said that they were open until 9 and it was 7:45 when we got there BUT GUESS WHAT they actually closed at 8. We asked the waitress and she was like, “Yeah it’s OK though, you’re fine!” but I still felt bad. Luckily there were still people eating by the time we left so we didn’t actually close the place out.

You know we had the Heat Exhaustion when neither Chooch nor I could finish our meals. We ended up taking them to go and Chooch almost immediately started eating it in the car, oh to be a teenaged boy.

No, never mind. I do NOT want to be a teenaged boy.

It’s definitely still bizarre eating in restaurants again but I can tell you that after this trip, we are back to strictly take-out for the time being thanks to all the ANTI-VAXXERS making this pandemic worse for all of us again. It was wild while it lasted, but see ya on the other side, restaurants.

Anyway, after Tito’s we made our way to Baltimore, which is where we were crashing for the night before heading to WILDWOOD on Wednesday morning! Henry got us a room at a shitty LaQuinta because he loves to terrorize me with his cheapness but it turned out to be mostly OK I guess. All I want is to be able to sleep in a room without hearing screaming and (probably paid) fucking.

We knew that at some point on Monday, the sky was going to piss on us. What we didn’t know was just HOW LONG this storm was going to last! About an hour prior to the very first drop of rain, the park started playing an announcement over and over about how some park operations were going to temporarily stop until the inclement weather passed. Then it changed to ALL PARK OPERATIONS. And SEEK SHELTER.

I’m not going to lie, it was pretty exciting. We snagged a bench under some large alcove in the Irish area and it was surprising how few people took refuge here.

We chilled there (lol it was 95 degrees but cool on, Erin) for a good hour and all three of us even fell asleep for parts of that duration too. I mean, not surprising that Henry did. But wow that storm made me drowsy.

We were sitting right next to a door that opened to some SECRET EMPLOYEE room where Camp Busch Gardens kids were hanging out. Every time they opened the door, a glorious sheath of AC wafted over us like a scentless fart from an ice fairy. I dunno what they do at Camp Busch Gardens but everyone seemed to be having fun each time the door opened and I felt left out.

I’d like to also take this moment to PRAISE BE that no one fucking annoying or scream-y was in our shelter spot. It was actually a pleasant, but boring, experience.

After about an hour, the rain mostly stopped so we emerged from hiding and strolled around the nearly empty park. Everything was still shut down but all the shops and opened.

Even soggy and wet, this park is amazing.

I dunno why I took a picture of this. It holds no significance for me.

Listen Linda, I hate drop towers but even I can admit that this Mach Tower is GORGE.

Post-storm Verbolten is sizzlin’ – no really, look at that steam! It was SO HOT that day.

I was obsessed with this snappy German pop song but Chooch ruined the video by acknowledging the video.

OK. This is where things got depressing. We walked down by Loch Ness Monster and you guys, I can’t even remember if this coaster was that great or not, but I do have a vague recollection of liking it and I was sincerely looking forward to riding it on our highly anticipated return to the park. Earlier in the day, I attempted this TWICE but for some reason, the line was long both times and Chooch was being a big entitled bitch about it. OK cool, almost everything else was a walk-on, but I still wanted to ride this thing!!

#CoasterHistory

It’s actually super creepy down in this area. It’s right by the water and I don’t think many people use this as a thoroughfare because it requires you to walk up steps to get back to the main park area. God forbid. We were the only people there, so couple that with the post-storm dreariness and it felt extra desolate. I fucking loved it.

OK I will try not to be super-wordy about this next part but it was A BIG DEAL to me for some reason. It was around 6pm at this point and none of the rides had reopened yet. However, we noticed that there were small lines formed at some rides, so Chooch and I decided to see if anyone was waiting for Loch Ness.

Two guys ended up walking in with us and I said, “I’m not sure if it’s open,” and  the one guy said that some of the smaller rides were testing, so we decided to press our luck. There were a handful of people in the station! Chooch and I claimed the empty last row and we proceeded to eavesdrop on the conversation that some of the people in line were having with one of the (kinda nerdy but adorable) ride attendants. I wish I had gotten his name! Someone in line asked him how long far away the storm has to be before they’re allowed to restart the rides, and he said he wasn’t sure but that was what Dispatch was there for, to watch the storm. He basically kept giving vague answers, insinuating that the rides were not going to run again that night but that the park wasn’t going to officially call it because then they’d have to issue rain checks.

His partner was sitting over at the controls, looking thoroughly bored. Eventually, she said she was going to “take her 45.” I was confused because I thought that the park closed at 7 so why was she taking a 45 minute break after 6:30??

While she was gone, one of the ride operators from  the nearby Finnegan’s Flight came in and took Nerdy Guy’s place, who was now sitting at the control booth thing. New Guy was so awesome!! I think his name was Jhordan?? I can’t remember but it had a cool spelling and he was TOTALLY CUTE and chatty.

But then, THE PHONE RANG. Nerdy Guy answered and we all got so quiet.

He hung up and Jhordan was like, “WELL??” and Nerdy Guy was like, “They said to cycle it.”

It was about 7 at this point so I thought, “Oh, I guess the park is staying open longer to try and get the rides started” but apparently it was always open until 9 and I was just confused as usual!

I turned to the guys who followed us into line and gushed, “I feel like we were really a part of something there!” I LOVE FEELING LIKE THAT! I think because I don’t often feel like I’m part of a group or anything, so whenever I get to experience something that brings strangers close together, it’s exciting to me. (I mean, as long as it’s not a tragedy.)

Anyway, it turned out that Nerdy Guy didn’t actually know how to get the ride started so Jhordan had to call out directions to him from the other side of the platform, so now I was A BIT SCARED.

But they went through the process of pushing down all of the restraints and then Nerdy Guy shakily did his thing at the control desk and they both put their thumbs up. As the train left the station, the whole building erupted in cheers and applause. It felt SO SPECIAL.

While waiting for the train to do its cycle, Jhordan came over and stood by me.

“Did you see that?” he asked me. “I swear I saw a flash of light out of the corner of my eye.” We both turned and looked out of the station and over to where the Griffon and Alpengeist tracks were.

I did. I saw it. It was definitely lightning, I thought.

While this was happening, Griffon and Alpengeist were cycling test trains too and someone said that the flash of light must have been from the on-ride camera flash. Jhordan did NOT seem to accept this theory though, but still, when the train came back, the restraints came up and the gates opened. Once again, we all cheered as we boarded the train. They had JUST LOCKED OUR RESTRAINTS when the fucking phone rang again.

It was Dispatch reneging on their previous “all clear.”  MOTHERFUCKER. But Jhordan was so relieved. “I knew in my heart that was lightning!” he said. “It did not feel right sending this thing.”

So the restraints came up and we all had to get back on the platform – some people completely exited but at this point, I was invested. All in. Every last egg in this fucking Loch Ness basket. And hilariously, we had now been in line for an hour, so probably longer than we would have waited earlier in the day but noooo, Mr. Impatience wouldn’t do it.

Jhordan taught me about the various color codes that the park implements for storms.  Currently, they were back up to a CODE RED which means no rides can operate. One of the colors means that rides under a certain height can still operate (I think yellow?) and CODE BLACK is basically SHUT ‘ER DOWN AND TAKE COVER, NO ONE CAN LEAVE. He said that actually happened one time accidentally, when it was just drizzling, and it sent everyone into a panic.

Now I really felt like I was part of something special! And it was exciting to see them doing the X with their arms and saying “Cross” every time they had to climb across the track to get to the other side of the platform – even when the rides are down, they follow amusement park law!

Then the phone rang and we all held our breath. When Nerdy Guy hung up, we were like “WELL???” and he said, “Wha—oh, it was nothing important.” My favorite part was when someone squawked over a walkie talkie something that sounded like “code green” and we all froze. Jhordan mouthed, “the fuck???” so Nerdy Guy had to get back on the phone with Dispatch who confirmed that no, it was still very much Code Red. I mean, it wasn’t raining anymore but there was still thunder.

Girl Operator came back from her 45 and we were laughing at how much she missed while she was gone. With her being back, Nerdy Guy got to leave since his work day was technically done.

But all he did was leave and come back in a white t-shirt with headphones around his neck, role-playing as a member of the general public and asking if the rides were going to start back up at all. Jhordan was like, “Naw dude, I highly doubt it, you better just leave” and I felt like all three ride operators at this point where sending us signals so we’d stop wasting our time, because as Jhordan told me earlier, they’re not allowed to flat out tell us to leave the line. But I really felt that this was them taking pity on us.

Our friends in the queue next to us had already left and now hardly anyone was still waiting. Plus, Jhordan was now over at the control desk and Girl Operator was standing next to us but she wasn’t conversational like the other two so it just didn’t feel the same anymore.

At this point, we had been standing for AN HOUR AND A HALF I think. I looked at Chooch and said, “OK, I’m calling it.” So we dejectedly left the Loch Ness Monster station to the tune of sad trombones and thunder.

Meanwhile, Henry was hanging out under a small pavilion with some other people and was like, “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY ALMOST LET YOU ON THAT WITH ALL THIS LIGHTNING” and then he showed me the following video he took which is actually less bad than the bout of lightning that happened prior to him filming:

This video is super small because Henry’s phone is dumb.

So, that was my Loch Ness odyssey. We walked around the park for a little bit and bought some souvenirs. I bought several postcards but decided to keep this one for myself as reminder of my supreme stubbornness and also the bonding time spent with strangers staring at a parked roller coaster train.

It was 8pm at this point and it seemed like none of the coasters were going to be cleared to run again so I sadly and with major POUTING LIPS said, “Fine let’s just leave.” And of course, as soon as we walked through the parking lot to our car, I turned around just in time to see fucking Griffon running.

Fuccccccckkkkk.

I comforted myself with  the reminder that this place isn’t THAT far away and we will be back again for Pantheon anyway, so I can ride Loch Ness Monster until I require a neck brace.

OMG wait I can’t believe I failed to mention this in my last post! But after the second time we attempted to ride Loch Ness, Chooch wandered over to the nearby lockers after we got out of line. I didn’t really pay much mind to this at first because I was busy bitching to Henry about how he wouldn’t wait in line. But then I was like, “The fuck is he doing?”

Here, one of his friends from a Discord chat group he’s in was at Busch Gardens a few days before us and left him a note hidden behind a wall in those lockers. So he was looking like a common criminal, retrieving drugs probably and not a note from an Internet friend inside a Ziploc bag. Don’t ask him who it’s from exactly, or what it says, hoooo boy, you’ll be sorry. #ChoochsSecretLife

Anyway, I’m coming back for you, Nessie.  You just wait.

Busch Gardens was the second-most anticipated part of the trip! I’ve only been there once before, in 2015–remember the TIMESHARE that we suffered through a presentation for just to get free tickets to Busch Gardens and then we ended up falling prey to the spiel anyway and wound up with a timeshare that we used once and then…

Anyway!! There weren’t very many new coaster credits for Chooch to get here because he was tall enough to ride everything the last time, but they do have a new wooden coaster and apparently a new kiddie coaster (lol).

Let’s just focus on how beautiful this damn park is though, ok? Because I really believe that it’s the prettiest, best-themed park in the US aside from like, I dunno, Universal Studios. So in today’s vacation recap post, we will be enjoying the Euro-themed goodness of Busch Gardens.

I have 100% never skied before in my life (I mean, I just spent 3 minutes fighting with spellcheck because I wanted to spell it “skii” in the worst way) but I love love love the area around Alpengeist, the park’s VISCIOUS B&M invert. Jesus Christ, I forgot how intense this coaster is! You’re meant to be an out-of-control ski lift and yep, B&M nailed it.

This was me, about to ride it for the second time, directly after eating pizza.

It was a really strange day at Busch Gardens because when we first arrived, the parking lot didn’t look too stuffed. But then we got into the park and it seemed pretty crowded. The first ride we went to (Loch Ness Monster) had a really long line and I was like OH GREAT, GOOD JOB HENRY, THANKS because everything that went south on this trip was his fault.

Literally! Our original itinerary didn’t have us going south at all but then he axed Six Flags Great Adventure due to El Toro and Jersey Devil being down, and also deep-sixed Luna Park on Coney Island because you can only buy four-hour blocks of time there right now and he made the unilateral decision to go there another time. So that’s how the southern leg of the trip came into fruition. You know, in case you were wondering.

“You.”

Anyway, we walked to another area of the park and realized that everyone was just congregating over by Loch Ness because it was near the entrance I guess, and everything else was pretty much a station wait or a walk-on! We decided to live it up and waited a bit extra for the front row of Griffon, the park’s dive coaster, and it was only about 15 minutes! If we had opted for any other row, it would have been almost a walk-on.

Plus? Ops at Busch Gardens are AMAZING. These people know how to hustle and safely send trains out of the station.

That bad bitch, Griffon aka Better Than Valravn. Sorry, Cedar Point, but you can’t always be the best at everything! Henry didn’t ride this the last time we visited, probably because he forgot to eat his POWER PRUNES that time and was too scared. So this was actually his first dive coaster, what a lamer.

Verbolten was Chooch’s and my favorite coaster the last time we visited and we talked about it all the time for the rest of the summer  like it was a pet we had to get put to sleep. That is how much we missed it! So we were stoked to stuff our butts on this bitch again! Look at the theming in the queue! It’s so wonderful!

We had to wait about 20 minutes for this one but that’s OK, it’s worth it. And again, ops are great at Busch Gardens and also no one there was annoying us that day either.

We were triggered at the sight of the gnomes because the day before at Carowinds, one of the things we had to do during that Plants v. Zombies ride was find golden gnomes for extra points and again, our team sucked so bad and we were CRUSHED by the Plants team.

YES, TO BE IN THIS STATION AGAIN!! Henry had to ride by himself and at the last minute, a single rider squeezed through just as the gates were closing and plopped down next to him. CHOOCH AND I LOVE WHEN THIS HAPPENS!! WILL THEY ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER? WILL THEY GIGGLE AND SCREAM TOGETHER??

In this case, no. But Henry was annoyed because his seat partner was really quiet until the train left the station and then he started screaming.

Wow. Imagine people….SCREAMING….on a roller coaster. What a barbarian.

#CAROUSELFIE

Fun fact: we did not take a carouselfie at Carowinds because that park made me angry and I don’t want an ANGRY CAROUSELFIE on my wall of happiness.

Oh shit, this ride was pretty good! Busch Garden’s first wooden coaster and it was wild. Henry rode by himself on the train before ours, lol, he doesn’t even bother trying to get on the same ride as us anymore.

Also – new credit for Chooch, since this was built two years after we last visited!

OMG there was DRAMA when we were line for Escape from Pompeii! FIRST, there was several girls in line who were wearing crop tops and the ride operator got on her microphone to announce that shirts must be worn on this ride, and bikini tops or sports bras or shirts that could pass as sports bras ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE. The girls in line were like DA FUQ and even I, the Ageing Prude, thought that the girls were appropriately covered. I mean, it’s summer – crop tops and belly shirts are everywhere. They definitely did not look scantily clad to me, nor did their shirts even remotely resemble bikini tops!?

I stopped paying attention so I don’t know what happened after that but I think they must have pled their case because I did not see them leave.

Then the ride operators eased up on the fashion policing because the security footage showed them that someone on one of the in-flight boats HAD STOOD UP INSIDE THE BUILDING AND WAS SWINGING OFF THE BOAT whatever that means?!!?

There is all kinds or pyrotechnics poppin’ off inside the ride building so I can only imagine the dangers that could have befallen them, not to mention they endangered the other people in the boat!

The BOAT IN QUESTION happened to return right when we were boarding ours, so I got to hear one of the ride operators stroll over there in FULL ON BAD COP persona and demand, “So which one of you was it” and they all played dumb. I’m so pissed that we were already boarded and not still standing in the line because I wanted to see how this was going to play out!!

Chooch’s memory of this ride was much richer than what it actually is. I mean, yeah the building part is cool but it’s no Splash Mountain. (Gotta throw Disney a bone every now and then, I’m not a total monster!)

Anyway, that’s us in the backseat. I was super smug because I managed to keep my pink lemonade Vans 100% dry, Mary!

We walked past this ride about 10 minutes later and IT WAS SHUT DOWN. Was it because of the BOAT SWINGER!?!

But then we found this kiddie coaster that wasn’t there the last time because the entire kiddie area is new. Henry said it’s not new but Chooch and I are always right and I definitely do not remember an entire Sesame Street area? Go on and Google it if you want and let me know if I’m a liar, Linda, because I don’t care enough to do it myself.

Anyway, we got yelled at kind of because it was a station wait, but then it looked like there was an open seat on the train  that was being loaded so we shrugged and decided to just take it because who cares about waiting for the front row on a fucking Grovermobile, but as we went to step inside, not one, not two, BUT THREE ride attendants yelled, “NO NO NO” and batted us away. Apparently, the seat was already taken by a parent and little kid who had to step across to the other side of the station in order for the kid to be measured AND GUESS WHAT THEY DIDN’T END  UP RIDING IT ANYWAY, THANKS FOR SCOLDING US FOR NOTHING, ASSHOLES.

Chooch was so angry with me because he had wanted to wait for the front seat anyway and I was the one who was like WE AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THAT SHIT LET’S JUST STEAL THIS SEAT HERE BRO.

Anyway, one of the ride attendants was actually getting trained and we learned here that when an attendant needs to cross the track to the other side of the platform, the have to make an X with their arms and yell CROSS.

I was really excited about this.

Also, the guy who was doing the training looked mean. Well, he DID yell at us, so that may have swayed my opinion.

Um, this ride was supposed to open last year, then this summer, but it’s not even being tested daily so who knows!? But it looks so good and I already can’t wait to go back once it’s open.

The one and only negative thing (aside from the understaffing resulting in a bunch of food places being closed) was the lack of hand sanitizer around the park. I mean, we are still very much in a pandemic and even though many of us are vaccinated, we are not invincible! Hand washing and sanitizer will forever be something I do obsessively now and I was so angry every time I pushed down on ANOTHER empty sanitizer pump. Ughhhhh.

And yeah, the understaffing thing is such a problem at every park, and it is really sad. I am trying to give parks a pass when it’s clear that Covid is directly correlated with me having a bad time at a park, so I cannot dock points from Busch Gardens because I was unable to deep throat an ice cream cone because their ice cream shop was closed for the entire day/probably whole season.

But come on, do better with the sanitization amenities, Busch Gardens, jeez. What do you think this is, 2019??

Then we ate pizza at Festhaus which was a MISTAKE because we all got sick from it. It was so good but way too much. Also, Chooch snuck that $5 pickle log on his tray and then only took two bites.

LOL.

Then a storm rolled through and we had to take cover but I will be back for my post-storm thoughts later because Henry just had the audacity to sneeze without warning me and now my evening is ruined. That motherfucker.

One of my favorite things about Wildwood as a kid was all the cool ass neon signs along that main drag of motels. I didn’t know that “doo wop” is not just a music genre but also a type of architecture until I watched a Wildwood documentary last year (BRUCE WILLIS IS IN IT). I’m really glad that this stuff is preserved as best as it can be because it’s glorious.

On Thursday night, I was really close to hitting 40,000 for the second time since I started Fitbitting at least 6 years ago, so I made Henry walk around the block and check out the neon signs with me. It really is like a mini-Vegas strip out there.

Here are some of my faves!

You guys I was OBSESSED with the Waikiki when I was little. We always stayed across from it at the Olympic but one year I got my grandparents to be like OMFG OK and we stayed at the Waikiki!! Here’s a picture of MY MOM AND ME having breakfast in the rooftop restaurant!!

Oh man it gave me chills to see this bitch ip close again!!

Then next door is my beloved, my BAE, the Olympic. This place definitely rebranded since I was last there. It used to be the Olympic Motor Inn and definitely did not have that intense neon bling clinging to the side. Damn.

That’s originally where I wanted to stay when we were planning this trip a few mths ago but holy shit, rates were poppin’ off. Was it that expensive when my family used to go?? Jesus.

So dumb Henry ended up getting a room across the street at the GOLD CREST which was fine I guess (I mean, don’t worry, I still threw a massive it when we got there on Wednesday but that’s a story for another day, Mary) but THE SIGN WAS NOT COOL!!

And the rooms didn’t have cool colored lights outside of them, like our neighbor the Cara Mara. I was really angry about this and finally Henry said, “SORRY. NEXT TIME I’LL ASK ‘excuse me, but can you tell me what you’re night time light package is like?’ BEFORE I COMMIT TO A HOTEL.”

Lol. He gets so mad!

Meanwhile:

The last time I crossed the 40,000 step threshold was EXACTLY four years ago when we were in Toronto for the GDragon concert!

I really hate to start off my roller coaster birthday road trip posts on a bad note, but our first park was not great, Bob.

(Fun fact: I have never watched a single episode of Mad Men* but my friend Sandy would always quote from it when I sat near her in the office.)

(*I have always been interested in watching it though!)

Anyway. As I mentioned in the live blog from Day 1 of this trip, we did pop into Carowinds on Saturday evening after we arrived in the Charlotte-esque area and checked into our hotel.

The first thing you see from the parking lot and as you’re walking through the entrance is Carowinds massive, hulking giga coaster, Fury 325. This is 100% the sole reason we came to this park.

Now, I knew it would be crowded since it was a Saturday night so that is not a thing I will be complaining about here. My issue was that the ride operators and attendants on *most* of the coasters were slow and acted bored, the lines were a fucking mess because people were cutting left and right, the app was worthless as far as wait times go, and the park aesthetically was nothing special to look at.

The line for this piece of shit ride was actually relatively short but no one was checking Fast Lane, the two ride attendants were stuck in “meander mode” took anywhere from 3-6 minutes to get a train ready to send, and the queues in the station were a straight-up cluster fuck. We waited nearly an hour FOR AN ARROW CORKSCREW COASTER.

We came back the next day right before gates opened in an attempt to join the running of the bulls to Fury.

There were many annoying families with humungous strollers, and since we were in THE SOUTH, people were really giving a shit about singing the National Anthem before the security guard opened the gate for us. I think it’s REALLY WEIRD that some amusement parks go through this whole patriotic rigamarole, but I also pretty much hate America, so there’s that. Henry didn’t take his hat off like most of the other ‘MURRICA men did, so that made him kind of attractive to me in that moment, though I’m sure he just forgot to remove it and he wasn’t actually MAKING A STATEMENT.

I will say this: the crew working on Fury 325  that morning WAS EXCELLENT. They were fast and efficient and you could tell they took their jobs seriously. It was the first time since exploring Carowinds that it finally felt like we were at a Cedar Fair park, so that was super nice. If you have ever been to Cedar Point, you know that even when it is insanely crowded and rides are breaking down, the staff there is SO PROFESSIONAL and on top of things.

You can’t have an elite giga coaster at your park and assigning ops to ambivalent teenagers.

ANYWAY. We got a back row ride, after only waiting about 10 minutes (if even!) and I was SO HAPPY. It was just as fierce as I imagined it would be, and I wasn’t underwhelmed at all. I even made the bold statement that it was my new favorite giga – it’s our 4th one! Henry and Chooch wouldn’t commit to this lofty declaration, though they both agreed it was a phenomenal time.

Next, we had to book it on over to the other park’s premier attraction, their newest coaster Copperhead Strike. It has a multi-launch so I was really excited for it because I love launched coasters (well, mostly—am not a fan of strata coasters like Top Thrill Dragster because that launch is just a bit too much for my weakened old lady heart). The line was still pretty short but Henry to pee first; Chooch and I will 100% not wait for him anymore when he pulls this “I have to pee” bullshit so we were like, “Have fun with that” and got in line without him. He did eventually get in line and actually wasn’t too far back. But, we’re not ASSHOLES like it seems most park-goers are so we didn’t frantically and blatantly wave him over to us. I swear to god, people put placeholders in the form of other family members in almost every line we were in, and then like 7 people would do the EXCUSE ME PARDON ME routine until they were practically at the fucking station.

Anyway, Chooch and I got a back row ride. He really liked it. I thought it was just ok. Henry managed to cut off a Fast Lane group at the station just in time to snag on the front row when it was his turn to ride and he ended up really liking it too. Maybe I need to get in more rides, I dunno, but I was just expecting a little more I guess. And the launches were so weak, like why even bother.

It *does* have a Jo Jo Roll right out of the station though and I looooove screaming JO JO ROLL so that was a nice perk.

Cedar Fair parks are doing some weird Grand Carnivale festival thing which we 100% did not care about and made a point of missing the parade, lol. But you can purchase a tasting card and go around to various tents to try food from around the world. South Korea wasn’t one of the places so what did I care.

We got lucky and just happened to be walking past Night Hawk – the park’s flying coaster – right as the line opened so we jumped on that. And good thing too because that line got LONG REAL FAST. I mean, even getting in line that early, we were still behind the people that had already lined up in anticipation of it opening, so we had to wait about 20-30 minutes anyway (plus, ops were slow AF). Chooch and I entertained ourselves by waving to the people on the nearby mine train ride.

When it was finally our turn, we rode in a row with this single rider lady who was SO FRIENDLY and excited that it was our first time on it. Also, she said we were lucky to be riding it right then, because the line had grown so significantly since it opened that it was pushing a 2 hour wait time.

Um, after riding Night Hawk, I can confirm that it would not be worth that wait. But also, I do not like flying coasters, and this one was old and janky. I had NO IDEA what was going on for most of it because I was so fixated on the rattling and trying to remember the words to the Hail Mary.

But yeah, that lady we rode with was so sweet and one of the only highlights of the Carowinds experience.

(I will say that most of the people there were pretty inoffensive. It wasn’t like when you go to Holiday World and all the dads look like middle-aged bloated Jonny Craigs just released from prison.)

I begged Henry and Chooch to ride the mine train after this. I don’t know why, but I get the biggest kick out of mine train coasters! Sadly, this was another ride where some skanky pre-teen saved a spot in line for her younger siblings and frumpy mom who said, “Is it OK if we just squeeze on by.” I mumbled, “Not really,” as she SQUEEZED ON BY and hit me with her ugly-ass quilted mom bag that she probably traded in a diaper bag for.

We all look exactly how we feel on the inside here: overheated, tired, cranky.

Again, the line wasn’t very long but it was still an excessive wait, and then once we got to the station we saw why: THAT GIRL WAS THE SAME RIDE ATTENDANT ON CAROLINA CYCLONE THE NIGHT BEFORE. Ugh. Her name is Adora, by the way. Someone give her an intravenous Red Bull treatment, please.

LOL I love it when Henry has to stand in a line by himself, and also when it looks like his mustache got extensions.

Anyway, this was a fun, cute little mine ride! And it had a surprise tunnel! I LOVE WHEN RIDES HAVE TUNNELS THAT I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT! Chooch does not share this love.

At Carowinds, half the park is in North Carolina, and half is in South Carolina. I think North Carolina got the better rides, ngl.

OK the sleeper hit of the park for me was Afterburn. I say sleeper hit, because I only even hear people jerk off over Fury and Intimidator (and now Copperhead Strike) so I honestly hadn’t heard much about anything else in the coaster line-up. Plus, this bitch is kind of hidden in a weird location – we had to walk through Camp Snoopy to get there (and btw, that was the only area that I thought was pleasant – everything else was like a blacktop hellscape).

Henry opted out of this one, but then seamlessly stepped into the CRINGEY DAD ROLE when he cut all the way through the Fast Lane just to give Chooch a cup of Power Ade, causing everyone in line to stare at us. To be honest, I wasn’t even really paying attention when this happened, but Chooch was like digging himself a grave right there on the spot, he was so mortified.

“NOW EVERYONE IS AWARE OF US,” he kept hoarsely whispering to me.

Anyway, ops were soooooo bad on this. First of all, some jackass in the same row as us waited until the last minute to be like, “EXCUSE ME DO YOU HAVE ANY GREY POUPON” and I mean obviously that’s code for, “hey pal I know you guys just locked the restraints but I JUST NOW REALIZED that I am wearing my glasses and could you be a dear and put them over there on the side for me” and of course the ride attendant was like, “hell no, we can’t touch your shit because if it breaks you’ll try to blame us” SO THEY UNLOCKED EVERYONE’S RESTRAINTS JUST SO FOUR EYES OVER HERE COULD PUT HIS OWN GLASSES IN THE BIN.

Then after everyone got settled for the second time, the ride attendant came BACK TO OUR ROW and said, “Can you  guys take these seats up here instead” and so the two guys next to me took their restraints off AGAIN and got out of their seats and I was like WHAT IS HAPPENING ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MOVE TOO but no one was answering me and then two different guys came to our row and a different attendant was like HELLO PLEASE GIVE YOUR SEAT TO HIM to me and I was like WHAT WHY so Chooch and I had to move over to the now-vacated seats left by those other dumb guys.

Well, this was all a really long story just to say that I was apparently sitting in the oversized seat and some oversized dude needed it way more than me. But it was a lot of musical chairs and shuffling around. I was actually really scared for them to even send the train at this point but after sitting in the station for nearly 10 minutes, our train was finally cleared.

And it ended up being my favorite ride of the day after Fury, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT. And it had surprise tunnels!!

I think that I really, really, really love B&M inverts.

I made Henry stand here because MILITARY AIR CRAFT, ETC.

“The caption should be ‘god bless America,'” Chooch said.

We also did Plants v. Zombies mostly because we wanted to sit an air-conditioned building because it was 95 degrees out there that day.

We were on the Zombie side and got creamed by the Plants because we had almost all children on our side and obviously they suck and should not be allowed to compete in such games.

Meanwhile, I was being POUTY ERIN which was actually my default personality on this trip because I wanted to ride Intimidator, Carowind’s hypercoaster, but Chooch kept saying THAT LINE IS SO FUCKING LONG ARE YOU KIDDING and I kept getting vetoed. But right before we left the park, I shouted, “I AM GOING TO CHECK OUT THAT LINE AGAIN” and it looked about the same but this time Henry had the audacity to cross Chooch by saying, “It actually doesn’t seem that long.” So, with Chooch being all huffy, we got in line and GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS IT ACTUALLY WASN’T THAT LONG.

It was maybe only around 30 minutes. And when all three of us are standing in line together, I don’t mind waiting. It’s when it’s just Chooch and me that I feel like I’m dying slowly in quicksand because most of the time he is too caught up in his stupid Dischord chat group to pay any attention to me and if I dare to speak to him while he’s texting, I get the Teenage Hiss of Fury in response.

It was around this moment in line when IN THE AIR TONIGHT started to play!! Phil Collins to the rescue!

You guys, I thought this was…..pretty good! Chooch and I had a Big Fight because he said that this is the one that people call InTRIMinator because of all of the trim brakes on the tracks but I was adamant that it was Intimidator 305 at King’s Dominion.

Um, anyway, I hate being wrong. Moving on…

Some random single rider rode with Henry and Chooch and I LOVE TO SEE IT. We get the biggest thrill out of seeing Henry riding uncomfortably with a stranger, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY START TALKING TO HIM, which this guy did once we reached the break run and ended up having to sit there for a few minutes while the ride attendants HOSED OFF the train that was in the station because I think someone yakked on it maybe.

We decided to leave for real after this, because the lines for everything were only getting longer as the day went on and it was SO FUCKING HOT. We got most of the coasters checked off the list and Chooch didn’t seem too broken up about skipping the remaining 4 coasters (2 of which were kiddie/family coasters).

And that’ll do it for our time at Carowinds, a park that I would not lose any sleep over if told I could never go back.