Lately, Henry and I have been “on our own” because our son “does not want to hang out with us” because he is “too busy/cool/asleep.” I mean, I guess it’s good that he’s easing us into this new SEASON of our relationship since he’s going to be IN COLLEGE sooner rather than later and 100% not going to be like, “YES MUM LET’S GO TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE TOGETHER AND SURE I WILL REVIEW IT ON YOUR BLOG SOUNDS FUCKING FANTASTIC WILL YOU ALSO TIE MY SHOES FOR ME WHILE WE’RE STANDING IN LINE.”

So, we’re trying to get used to….being together…as a duo….like a….couple.  Two people. No kid. Here we are, world!

In this latest episode of Erin & Henry Are a Couple, we went for a hike at Settler’s Cabin in 90 degree heat yesterday because that’s smart. Henry at least had the forethought to bring water with him, I’m lucky I left the house with the right shoes on to be honest, this weekend was rough on my BRAIN POWER. I literally almost passed out several times on Saturday.

Less than a minute into the hike, as in: we were still on the main path and not on HIKEY TERRAIN, Henry the Boy Scout Leader was already teaching me about MILKWEEDS.

Just plucked one right off the stalk and started making it ooze like some alien pimple; I was SCRAMING. STRAIGHT SCRAMING.

Then literal minutes later after pulling one apart, he said “that tells you there’s water there too. Just so you know.”

BUT

DID

I

ASK

?

Then….he came across a vine and fucking swung on it 갑자기 and I was SCRAMING all over again. 

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He did it a second time at my insistence just so I could get a boomerang for the ‘gram. And let me just say there was no arm twisting involved. Who is this guy?? Midlife crisis Henry rules. I’m saying!! I dared him to ride some flat rides with us next weekend when we go on our Labor Day amusement park spree, and he said “WE’LL SEE.”

Then he started reminiscing about the good old days in the 70s when he would climb to the tops of sumac trees and make them bend all the way to the ground.

“If I did that now, it’d snap,” he mused and I’m over there googling NEAREST SUMAC TREE.

Anyway, this is our 20th….something. Un-iversary? We never got married and we don’t even really have a “date” that we became a “couple.” But last June marked 20 years since our…”one night stand” lol. So, that’s a thing. It was sometime in the fall of 2001 that we sort of just SHACKED UP as the Elders would say. I’ve been thinking about that a lot too lately. Because somehow, this is the most “together” I’ve ever felt with him and we actually do have so much fun together, as a family and just the two of us, and we always have stuff to talk about even though his stuff is usually boring. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love that Big Dumb. Probably more now than then!

This one’s for Henry, lol:

Oh boy hi hello on a stupidly humid Sunday in Pittsburgh. I don’t have much to say other than I bought a new NOOWORKS shirt and it arrived yesterday and I was so excited because after I bought it I realized it matches this one corner in my house and all I could think about all week while waiting for it to arrive was how badly I wanted to do a dumb photoshoot since god only knows when I will get to wear this shirt out of the house (someone invite me to dinner, thanks, lol, no I’m serious, let’s go).

In case you were wondering, NOOWORKS has become my favorite online clothing company to shop at during this asshole pandemic. It all started when I was like, “I will buy myself something nice to wear to work once we get to go back to the office.” Oh, how cute of me to think such thoughts in May of 2020.  This is only my third purchase from NOOWORKS, and all three shirts have been different styles that are SO FLATTERING. I am a frumpy person with terrible slouchy posture so I need extra help in looking cute, you know?

NOOWORKS is also cool because it’s woman-owned & women-run and they work with cool artists to make each limited edition piece you find on their site. This particular print is by an artist named Amy Hastings and when I legit set an alert on my phone for the day this puffy shirt went live, and THANK GOD because it sold out in every size within the hour.

I love knowing that the odds of me walking around Pittsburgh and bumping into someone wearing this same shirt is PRETTY SLIM. Also, those sunglasses are from GENTLE MONSTER! I bought them in Busan and have been so afraid to wear them because I am notoriously rough with sunglasses and fear that I will break them. But I love knowing that I own them!

Oh. And this is the tennis racket I mentioned in my last post! It’s from the early 80s. I love it. It’s going to be hung up above the kitchen door and then we’re getting neon tennis balls to stick to the wall around it SO STAY TUNED for more 1980s kitchen idiocy!

LOL this was my “serious pose” whatever that means.

My jeans are Lauren Conrad, pretty much the only brand of jeans I will wear because every pair is so flattering on my big ass. I like this particular wash so much because they really fit my 1980s brain.

I  MADE THAT BANGLE. It was back when I thought I was a painter and a jewelry designer. Remember those days? Oh man.

Slouching as usual. I worked at this one place as a telemarketer for a few months when I was 19 – it was for a credit card terminal company and I had to call businesses all fucking day and ask them if they accepted credit cards. I started doing REALLY WELL sales-wise once I went rogue and tossed the call sheets in lieu of looking up tattoo parlors in the Yellow Pages. But then my supervisor found out and was like YOU CAN’T DO THAT, YOU HAVE TO USE THE CALL SHEETS WE SUPPLY and I was like, “Oh so you want to make less sales? Got it.” Anyway, that same supervisor taped a sign on the wall next to my desk that said POSTURE and I actually took a picture of him pointing at it, lemme see if I can find that RULL QUICK…

BAM, Mary, I knew I had that shit on hand.

(EDITED TO ADD: when Henry looked at these pictures and saw the slouching one, he laughed and said, “you can tell this was the last picture you took because you look so over it.”

“….that was the first one,” I said with a fake vocal fry, as he slowly backed away.)

I kind of want to play tennis now.

Shoes are Vans. They are VELCRO and everything I could ask for in a SHOE.

Well, pals, I think that’s all. Maybe I will do another fake photoshoot later in the week when my face isn’t melting off, because my other NOOWORKS shirts are cool as fuck too! I wish I was a brand ambassador for them so that I can be all YO USE CODE OHHONESTLYERIN FOR A 25% DISCOUNT or whatever all those lame-o’s say in their dumb influencer Instagram posts. I would be such a bad influencer though, lol!!

OMG it’s 11am and I haven’t done a single thing except for this shit so CIAO BELLA ETC ETC.

Yeah, I’ve got very little in me right now so let’s see if I can actually dredge up five whole things from the swamp that is my mind.

1. Hubcap Heaven

I saw this picture of Clarissa Explains It All on Instagram the other day and cracked up because for some reason back when this show was on TV, my mom had really latched on to the fact that she (Clarissa, not Melissa Joan Hart, certainly not the Nickelodeon set designers) had hubcaps on her wall.

So then my mom was like HUBCAPS AS DECOR? LET’S DO IT TO YOUR ROOM. And for some reason, I was like, “Sure let’s” even though I can’t imagine why middle school me would have been into hubcaps.

Even though we were $$$$, my mom decided that in lieu of purchasing shiny new hubcaps, we would just collect them from the streets. “You know, they’re always falling off of cars. If we see one, we’ll just grab it,” she said, like we were some fly-by-night design team.

Do you know how many we collected?

ZERO.

But to this day, every time I see a fucking hubcap on the street (LIKE YESTERDAY ON MY WALK HOME FROM THE DENTIST), I think of this and how excited my mom was to turn my room into an auto body shop.

My room was actually way more awesome than Clarissa’s, now that I’m really looking at it. Ew.

2. Speaking of the dentist….

I went to the dentist yesterday and for the first time since the whole DENTAL DEBAUCLE started back in…2016? 2017? when my childhood dentist retired and I went on a tail spin, I had a GREAT exam! The hygienist first of all loved my dragon fruit purse and we had a great chat about accessories and she told me that my gums looked great and then the dentist came in and was like WOW WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT LOOKING GOOD and I had to look around for the hidden camera because usually he is very doom & gloom and telling the hygienist things like, “WE HAVE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THIS” and “I DON’T LIKE HOW THIS LOOKS” and then he will make grumble sounds under his breath and I panic.

“I HAVE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD,” I blurted, and he said that HE CAN TELL.

Friends, let this be a warning: do not lapse on your dental exams because you will end up having to get TWO deep cleanings (one by the regular dentist and another ULTRA INTENSE PROFESSIONAL DEEP SCALING by a real life PERIODONTIST). This is what happened to me. I switched dental insurance and my childhood dentist didn’t accept the new insurance and instead of looking for a new dentist, I fell into a FIVE YEAR dental hiatus and that was enough to cause damage even though I was vigilant with brushing and flossing on my own.

3. Henry’s Blue Bunny Honey

Ok let me try to rewrite in a more thrilling manner the story that Henry told me last week about his new WORK BEAU.

Henry has been back on the road, making FAYGO deliveries while they’re short a driver at Faygo Factory. He happened to be making a delivery at this one store last week at the same time as a Blue Bunny ice cream delivery guy. While Henry was in the store, the Blue Bunny guy was going through the store’s order and came upon a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE popsicle that had the stick protruding from the wrapper. Unable to include damaged product in the order, the guy told the store owner that he would write it off. Then he turned to Henry and said, “Here,” AND GAVE HENRY THE DAMAGED BUT STILL EDIBLE FROZEN DELIGHT.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that Henry didn’t call me to tell me this straight away, as receiving a free popsicle seems like something that would be worth a telephone call by Henry’s excitement standards.

But no, I didn’t hear about this at all until later that same week, when Henry and the Blue Bunny guy crossed paths AGAIN at another store. This time, Henry overheard the Blue Bunny bro telling the customer that he would credit them for a smashed ICE CREAM SANDWICH. Hearing this likely gave Henry a hard-on, to be honest. Sadly, he did not present Henry with the day’s damaged goods. OR SO HENRY THOUGHT.

Because after it was Henry’s turn to talk to the customer, he went back outside to leave and saw that BLUE BUNNY BUD HAD LEFT THE ICE CREAM SANDWICH ON HENRY’S TRUCK!!!!!

Oh shit son, I was sweating with the giggles at this point. Henry has an admirer!!

(he just walked past me and said that he hasn’t seen him since then. FUCK. What if that guy moves on to a Pepsi guy in Henry’s Faygo-scented absence?)

4. Siblings at Cedar Point

My mom texted me this picture from I believe 1993 and wants us to recreate this and I’m like, “Wow, go back to Cedar Point? Twist my arm.” I can confirm that these…what do you call these things? I can’t remember!! are still there so it’s a viable plan. Both of my brothers say they’re game so let’s see what’s up, fam.

Also, I think it’s funny that the height order is now reversed, almost 30 years later. My brother Ryan said, “I’d still be in the middle though” and this is true. Somehow the youngest sibling has become the tallest – Corey towers over both of us!

5. Let’s End On a Hot Note

I was super into Andre Agassi when I was a YOUNGIN’ so I decided that I need to incorporate this picture of him into my 1980s kitchen somehow and then I fell down the rabbit hole and ended up buying a tennis racket from the early 80s from eBay and Henry was like, “the fuck we doin’ with this now” and I guess I want him to hang it up in the kitchen too!? My cats have never seen a tennis racket before and were NOT INTO IT when I was using their cat toys as tennis balls and serving that shit all around the house.

Man, I miss playing tennis. I was so good at it as a teenager but am willing to bet that I’m a pathetic frump at it now. Also, tennis is the reason my back is EFFED for life. Still love the game though!

***

Well, on that note, I’m going to sign off because the humidity is making me ooze down my chair on a sheath of sweat. Maybe something exciting will happen this weekend but I doubt it. CIAO FOR NOW.

Hi guys today DREW and I spent some quality time together since Chooch abandons us every day for Chooch Things. I got moderately-dressed today because I had a video meeting with my group at work and honestly, I’m pretty bummed because I have been curating a nice new wardrobe this past year in anticipation of someday returning to the office, which has not yet happened and where am I going to where this shit? I only go to Target, the cemetery, and amusement parks.

So.

(Fun fact: that thing on the floor next to the cat tower – no, not the cat, that’s Drew – is a fake finger thing that Chooch got at Stricker’s Grove after trading in his game tickets. He actually got two of them. Whatta prize.)

(Another fin fact: the title of that blog post I linked to up there boasts Chooch’s 150th roller coaster credit but we found out later that it wasn’t actually his 150th because his spreadsheet was all fucked up, lol.)

While I was taking pictures of Drew and me (JUST TWO GIRLS WAITING FOR THE SQUIRRELS), I thought that maybe I should start at least dressing up occasionally at home and do dumb fauxtoshoots while wearing some new clothes?? Am I suddenly a fashion blogger or just pressed for content?

I think we all know, lol.

Wow, this is great quality.

Anyway, this shirt was like MAJOR CHEAPO from Shein which, you know, fast fashion is bad.

And to be honest, with every order I get from Shein, I usually return 1/3 of it because their shit can be so weird and cut oddly. This shirt is so cute and comfortable though and it meets two of my current criteria:

1. IS IT SOMETHING THAT HEIDI WOULD WEAR ON A TRIP TO TOWN WITH GRANDFATHER?
2. IS IT MUSTARD-COLORED?

And I love Peter Pan collars!!

Oh well. I’ll try to do better next time but it’s hard when my cats can’t take the pictures for me.

Oh hey Mary, who’s that on the phone? Oh, it’s just the rest of the books I read in July? Tell them I’ll call them back. No, seriously, tell them I’m incapacitated and take a message. No, not decapitated—wait, yeah, tell them that. Oh for god’s sake, fine, tell them I’ll stop watching kpop videos and recap their damn asses on my dumb blog. UGH.

6. Good Neighbors – Sarah Langan

Never before has the word “bitumen” seen so much action. Also, thank god I read this as an audio book else I’d never know to pronounce it BITCHOOOMIN and apparently Henry, Man of the Earth, does not pronounce it as such because he had NO IDEA what I was talking about until I spelled it for him. Also, after hearing this word for approx. the 12th time, I figured it was time to stop being lazy and actually look it up. It is just this road-shit:

Oh but how was the book, you ask? Pretty fucking dumb. I hated every character. Literally, there was no one worth rooting for except for the one neighbor’s German shepherd. I kept picturing them all as Sims. Or like, one-dimensional people quickly drawn by Matt Groenig while he was on the commode. Anyway, there was a sinkhole and then this whole street basically goes nuts and then there’s lots of bullying between the kids and adults and it was just not that great. Sorry if it’s your fave.

7. The Last Tang Standing – Lauren Ho

This was a cute book billed as “Crazy Rich Asians meets Bridget Jones’ Diary” and I can definitely get on board with this comparison. There’s not much else to say really aside from that I enjoyed it but it was kind of too long I thought? Also it made me glad that I only just WORK FOR attorneys and am NOT AN ATTORNEY because this broad was like all-consumed with making partner and nope, no thanks, that’s not the life for me. I like to be done working at the same time everyday so that I can eat my dinner, exercise, and then spend my evenings watching roller coaster or Korea or book videos on YouTube. Thanks.

8. How Lucky – Will Leitch 

Ooh, this book was good and suspenseful but also had a good amount of humor because we are very much inside the main character’s head, and he’s pretty sure he just witnessed, from the privacy of his front porch, a college student get abducted. I loved this guy, I loved the people around him, and I loved the writing.

Stephen King says, “A fantastic novel…you are going to like this a lot” and you know what? He ain’t wrong.

9. The Final Revival of Opal & Nev – Dawnie Walton

This is basically if Daisy Jones and the Six had actual DEPTH to it and focused on REAL WORLD SHIT like racism. This is done interview-style much like Daisy Jones, where the interviewer is a Black journalist for some bigtime magazine, and she’s writing a history of this duo from 1970s, Opal and Nev, who experienced a flash-in-the-pan taste of fame together, before splitting up. Nev goes on to have a successful solo career and now, in the year (I think) 2016, they’re about to reunite for the first time, at some big music festival a la Woodstock.

The first part of the book was admittedly a bit slow and boring to me, focusing on Opal and Nev’s very very very different upbringings. But we know early on that the interviewer’s father was killed in the 70s and it was somehow because of Opal. So there is a lot of suspense and mystery that was built-up rather masterfully and I was fucking SICK when it finally got to the part in the book where the incident was talked about.

This book has way less fluff and goes so much deeper than Daisy Jones, which I did enjoy, don’t get me wrong but Daisy was just so unlikeable to me while Opal is a STRONG MOTHERFUCKING DIVA and goddamn I wish she was real. This book is great and I highly recommend the audiobook, it’s sensational.

10. What Comes After – JoAnne Tompkins

Oh this fucker damn near ruined my vacation because it BROKE MY FUCKING HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES. First of all, it was NOTHING like what I thought it was going to be. I was thinking it was a thriller because it’s about two teenager boys who are killed and in the book, we’re slowly told exactly what happened. But it is so much more than that. The chapters rotate from the POV of three characters: the Quaker father of one of the slain teens, a mysterious homeless teenaged girl, and the thoughts of the second slain teenager on his last day of life.

The found family aspect of this story is so goddamn strong and beautiful and awkward and just violently sad that I found myself reaching for spare napkins in the glove compartment more than once while we were driving from one amusement park to the next. Also, the father is a Quaker and there was some really interesting Quaker shit in this that really taught me some things about that way of life. I would never willingly pick up a book about “being Quaker” so this was a good way to trick me into learning a little.

It took me three days after finishing reading this to finally be able to tell Henry about it and even then, I kept getting the SAD LUMP in my throat that caused me to choke on my synopsis like, 87 times. This book is beautiful. Just…so fucking beautiful. BUT SO FUCKING GUT-WRENCHING AND DEPRESSING. Also how stunning is that cover?! If this was made into a movie, I’m actually not sure if I would ever be able to watch it.

But MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for pet stuff. I am crying right now thinking about it.

11. People We Meet On Vacation – Emily Henry

This was a RULL GOOD chaser to the previous book, that’s for damn sure. It was light and fluffy for the most part but also tense and sad and written in a way where you’re like BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THEIR FRIENDSHIP?? because all you know is that the main broad is a travel blogger who gets her Total Opposite Best Friend Who Is Also a Man to go on trips with her and I’ll tell you what, if I had read this last year during the height of covid, fuck that shit. My FOMO would have swallowed me whole. But as it were, I was actually on vacation while reading this so that took the edge off, lol.

I dunno, I think Emily Henry is an OK writer but I also think she is kind of overhyped? I will say that she writes relatively believable characters I guess, and she’s good for a good, quick read that’s not going to break your brain or your heart.

****

OK that’s all I read in July. A “light” reading month, lol. I was going to say that August is going well but then I flashed to one of the most recent books I just finished and how much I hated it and now my vision is slowly being coated in blood-red.

We didn’t do much this past weekend but it was a great one just the same. It’s nuts – during all of 2020 and most of 2021, I was pinging off the walls with my urgent need to go somewhere, anywhere. But now that we have been going away on weekends and stuff, I have been antsy to get back home. WHO AM I. Some weird pioneer woman version of myself. Next you’ll be catching me doing actual housework in lieu of having fun.

I did, however, have lunch with my bro Corey at our beloved Blue Flame! I hadn’t seen Corey in A BIT and also hadn’t been to Blue Flame since well before the start of the pandemic, so I was pretty fucking stoked for this. I noticed recently, the few times that Henry and I had driven past Blue Flame, that they had erected numerous signs boasting their new dalliance in serving Hershey ice cream. I wasn’t sure what all the hullabaloo was about since they have always offered ice cream as a dessert option, but figured they were just trying to drum up more business by reminding people that the option to come in just for a quick dessert was also on the table.

But then I was scoping out the menu online, as us members of the Meat-Free Club are wont to do in order to ensure we’re not going to be stuck with just a plate of lettuce and a baked potato. And with restaurants scaling back their menus during covid, I wanted to make sure my grilled cheese safety net was still in place. But then my eyes drifted to MULTI-GRAIN PANCAKES and I became fixated on that because I haven’t had pancakes in a long time and now suddenly, five days before this lunch was even happening, it was now all I could think about.

Before closing down the website, I noticed that once again, Blue Flame was pushing their Hershey scoops on their website too! WTF was so earth-shattering about this ice cream!?

Anyway, then Corey and I met up in the parking lot of BF on Saturday and I immediately pointed out how the windows had HUGE declarations of IT’S ALWAYS ICE CREAM WEATHER with cutesy ice cream cones drawn on the glass with window markers. “See??” I screamed. “They’re like, obsessed with ice cream suddenly!” I was so bewildered by this turn of events because in all the years I had been patronizing this place (literally my whole life, no exaggeration) dessert was never the main attraction. Sure, I have had numerous post-dinner chocolate scoops in the quintessential silver ice cream cup of yesteryear, but it wasn’t like, WHY you went to the Blue Flame.

We walked into the entrance and stopped at the “please wait to be seated” sign and Corey was all, “Um, holy shit, look” and over by where their breakfast buffet set-up used to live was an entirely renovated section dedicated JUST TO ICE CREAM. Yes, they actually added an entire ice cream shop inside their restaurant!

“Ooooh, now it’s all coming together!” I said slowly, and Corey did his patented SUPER LOUD LAUGH-OUTBURST, causing various Elders to toss glances over their shoulders at us. Then I pointed out that the Blue Flame sweatshirt hanging on the wall to advertise their MERCH LINE was folded in a way that it looked like a crop top, which made Corey once again BARK WITH LAUGHTER. Now, more people were squirming in their seats.

Anyway, all of this is to say that when a hostess came to seat us, she led us all the way to the back corner by the bathroom, like, “OK, you guys already gave us a taste of the kind of nuisances you’re gonna be so we’re just gonna tuck you away back here.”

SO TYPICAL!!

Man, what a great lunch. We got there at noon and closed the place out (they close at 2pm now because as with every other place in this new world, they’re understaffed). I think the waitstaff was REALLY HAPPY to see us finally get up from our booth, lol.

We joked later that after all that commotion about the ice cream, we didn’t even get any! So now we’re going to go back with our mom and have an ice cream party.

Terrible picture of me, but I’m keeping it because SIBLINGS.

I don’t even know what I did for the rest of Saturday. Oh! I was racing against the clock to finish a book that was due back to the library that day and hating every second of it because it was SUCH A SHITTY BOOK (“The Book of Accidents” by Chuck Wendig, in case you care). I was able to finish it but definitely didn’t feel like it was an accomplishment of any sort.

I spent most of the weekend re-obsessing over NCT, specifically NCT Dream and I think I finally decided that they are my favorite NCT subgroup?! You already know I’m gaga for Haechan but now suddenly I’m being whipped by Renjun’s voice and I’m not complaining. Anyway, this song from their latest release is really carrying me these days, I love it so much (it’s the first song specifically but FEEL FREE to listen to both because the second one is beautiful too):

I have felt so frantic, wanting to share this with someone, so…here you go Someone!

Sunday was whatever. Henry worked on THE SUBWAY SIGN which he is actually making progress on even though he said he’s been considering starting over from scratch and doing it a different way. You have no idea what a huge pain point this is in our relationship!! After he reached the point where he couldn’t go any farther without the aid of Supply X Y or Z which conveniently is always something that needs to be ordered online, we went for a walk in Homewood Cemetery and then got some Kung Fu Tea, even one for Chooch who has all but abandoned us since Blake and his family went on vacation and left Chooch the key to their house in order to watch their cat. We barely see him anymore unless we’re all away for the weekend, at which point he has no choice but to be with us lol poor him too bad so sad.

What other super scintillating acts took place this past weekend. Henry and I went to Target after dinner on Sunday. Do you still wear masks indoors even if vaccinated? We do. It’s a really weird feeling being in the mask-wearing minority but so far no one has tried to challenge us so maybe we are just shopping in decent, non-rednecky areas, I dunno. Chooch hasn’t started school yet but I’m curious to see how the mask mandate will play out there, but I’m hoping for  the best since it’s a city school and it seems like it’s mostly the crazy ass suburban Karens are pitching fits about their precious Chads and Brylynniahs having to mask-up. I’m just really so fucking sick of this country. Trump opened the floodgates and it feels like it will take a literal act of God to close it back up at this point.

But anyway, back to Target. I found the perfect denim jacket over in the Wild Fable section. You have no idea how picky I am with jean jackets but I have desired one for so long now, if only to have a canvas for my enamel pin collection. And then I thought to myself, “BOY ERIN WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF YOU TURNED YOUR MISTER SOFTEE TSHIRT INTO A PATCH FOR THE BACK OF YOUR NEW BITCHIN’ JACKET” because I actually hate the quality of that shirt, sadly. It’s so starchy and gross-feeling! So I’ve been sending Henry DIY tutorials so that he can add “patch-maker” to his list of trades.

Also while in Target, we overheard the funniest exchange between two young boys who were probably between 2nd-3rd grade ages, whatever that would be. One approached the other and very confidently greeted him by saying, “Hey it’s me, Scott. Remember? From BLAHBLAHPLACE?” and the other kid goes, “I have NO IDEA who you are.” And Scott kept trying to jog his memory but the kid was all, “Yeah I don’t remember you AT ALL” and the parents were like cringing but I had to run into another aisle because I was on the verge of cracking the fuck up. Kids are wild!!!! They’re just like “nope, you a stranger, sorry” while adults would be killing themselves trying to play along like, “OH YEAH, HEY YOU! WOW! SMALL WORLD!” having no actual fucking clue what’s going on. I mean, I once made it through an entire dinner with someone whose name I couldn’t remember, so.

Well, that was my weekend. Hope yours was tight. Or loose, if that’s how you prefer it.

Whoa, hold the phone, I only read eleven books in July!

Lol. Vacation really slowed my roll and I’m cool with that. I needed a light reading month! Anyway, here are the first five books of July because it’s like 90 degrees in my house and I can’t promise that I have the strength to sit here and recap all eleven while my thighs are literally sticking to the computer chair, ugh.

1. That Summer – Jennifer Weiner

I genuinely like Jennifer Weiner. This was my 3rd book of hers and I really think she is a good writer who creates characters with depth. This book is super inspired by the #MeToo movement so get ready to be pissed. Also, the synopsis essentially says it’s about a woman who keeps emails meant for another woman and I was so excited because THIS COULD BE MY BOOK except that in this case, it’s much more insidious and not just me getting Home Depot receipts from some rando Erin Kelly in Florida.

Anyway, I truly enjoyed this book and there is a very healthy and #goals relationship that happens with a maintenance man and I kept picturing Henry and there is also a teenage daughter who is fierce and independent and…Jennifer Weiner is just very much my cup of tea and I will ALWAYS associate her with the fact that one of her books was one of the first ones I took out of the library in January of 2020 when I decided I wanted to make a conscious effort to start reading regularly like I used to, so I really give her a lot of credit because when I read Mrs. Everything that month, it reopened my heart to reading again.

2. Inconvenient Daughter – Lauren J. Sharkey

I admittedly barely remember this book but it’s loosely based off the author’s experience of being adopted from South Korea by white people. There was some stuff in there about a really abusive relationship that the main character, Rowan, finds herself in after high school and it did kind of trigger me a little, I won’t lie. It wasn’t easy to read at times but I just really wanted her to be OK and to let her parents love her. Lauren J. Sharkey is a really great writer and there was some really well-placed humor in here too, so I will definitely pick up any book she may write in the future (this was her debut novel).

Interracial adoption is a very interesting topic to me and I have been trying to read more about it. As a white person born into a white family, attending predominantly white schools, I never had to think about how these types of adoptions literally strip a person of their identity, not just racially, but culturally as well.

3. Twelve Nights at Rotter House – J.W. Ocker

OK Mr. Ocker, I see you. Finally FINALLY FINALLY a haunted house book that I actually REALLY liked. The writing was fantastic – conversational, humorous – and the mood was set right from the get-go. I was tense. I legit jumped at times. I felt very uneasy when I was reading it alone downstairs on the couch at night. There are some classic tropes here that might be overdone but they worked in this case. I have had a really tough time lately finding good horror books  that don’t make me roll my eyes (Kill Creek, I’m looking at you, you piece of shit novel) but this one had me rooting for the main character, and the dialogue? Chef’s kiss. I could hear it in my head. I could see this playing out in my imagination.

This is how I like my horror. Would watch this if it was adapted to film.

4. Anxious People – Fredrik Backman

You already know that I love Fredrik Backman because of his incredible Beartown series, so it should come as no surprise that I wanted to walk around and give out free hugs after reading this. I mean, if it wasn’t still pandemic times and I didn’t flinch at the thought of physical contact with strangers. It’s the thought that counts, ok?

All I knew going into this was that it involved a bank robbery and hostage situation, but in true Backman form, it’s about SO MUCH MORE. Humanity! Love! Second chances! Found family! I’m starting to cry as I think back to all of the characters in this book, a real motely crew, and the bonds formed by complete strangers during one afternoon.

Highly recommend. I cried SO MUCH but also laughed because Backman’s dialogue isn’t just good, it’s Gilmore Girls-good.

Five stars. MUAH.

5. The Decagon House Murders – Yukito Ayatsuji

Oh boy, if you’re into classic mysteries in the vein of Agatha Christie, then this book is totally for you. I believe it was written in the early 80s in Japan and, as the book cover up there has already told you, it’s reached cult classic status over the years. I thought it was a pretty good whodunit! I don’t know what else you want me to say!

Ok, Mary here’s the story: we went to thirteen (13!!!!) other amusement parks this year before finally going to our home park Kennywood.

Which is like, 25 minutes from our house.

(OK, it’s longer when I drive because I take the NOSTALGIC route of my childhood, through West Mifflin which means fuck all to anyone reading this who doesn’t live in Pittsburgh but basically I go the way we used to go when I was a kid living in a completely different part of Western PA, lol.)

But hey Ted, let me tell you why I was dragging my feet: Kennywood has been changing, and not for the better. Can it go back to being family-run, please? I have no idea what the plan is but the dumbos that are in charge now removed FOUR FLAT RIDES this season: the Paratroopers, the Bayern Curve, Volcano (which will always be the Enterprise to me), and the MOTHERFUCKING KANGAROO. Literally, the ride of Kennywood’s mascot, Kenny Kangaroo. Those are four rides that I would ALWAYS take for a spin on my visits too (sometimes not the Bayern Curve though because there’s a horn that would occasionally blow and it always bothered me) and I am pretty gutted over this. And so was the park, as evidenced by the literal gaping spots of nothingness left in the wake of their removal.

I just hate it.

Didn’t they hurt us enough when they removed the Log Jammer?! Sure, we got that record-breaking….thing called Steel Curtain, but if we’re being honest, that coaster is just OK. Come on. It’s OK to admit it.

AND THEN?? They replaced the waffle place with a fucking MILLIE’S. Literally, the UPMC of ice cream shops. Every time I turn around, MILLIE’s. I used to be a huge Millie’s fan girl but the last several times I visited, I was met with subpar service and not-great scoops, so after years of screaming the virtue’s of Pittsburgh’s premier creamery, I unfollowed them from all social media and put all of my stock in Sugar Spell Scoops (the couple who own that biz are WAY more deserving of my attention anyway, AND their vegan ice cream is incredible).

And also! Kennywood’s admission is astronomical for what they offer these days. I felt so angry when I ordered our tickets online.

It was just Chooch and me who went last Tuesday – Henry was like NO THANK YOU when we asked him to take the day off and go with us. I know I complained a lot up there, but it was actually not all bad. I will recount the day’s events in bullet-form because that’s what cool people do.

• Chooch and I arrived at the park right as the gates were opening. Our traditional routine is to go straight to the Exterminator because that line pops off even on a light crowd day. It’s an indoor crazy mouse right, so most of the line queue is in a cement-block of a room that feels like a large jail cell and and honestly, even during NON-pandemic times, it’s horrible to stand in there. There is NO air flow and you’re at the mercy of the people freely farting and BO’ing all around you. Ugh. Kennywood recently reinstated their mask mandate for indoors, including Exterminator, but who knows how many people would actually abide by that? Judging by what we saw throughout the day any time we were in a gift shop, bathroom, or food-place, not many! So when we arrived at the Exterminator and found that no one was in line yet, I felt blessed. I don’t think we have ever been the first ones on the Exterminator before! And when the ride officially opened at 11, we ran past the ride attendant holding a box of disposable masks since we are mask mandate-abiding citizens and brought our own, and ran all the way through the queue while everyone behind us walked like Normals. I’m pretty sure we got on the ride and went through the entire cycle before anyone else caught up and got on  the ride, lol. We are fucking maniacs.
• Phantom was A FUCKING WALK-ON for the back row. Goddamn, this is literally the only reason I keep coming back to Kennywood after they consistently disappoint me and break my heart with the cruel decisions they make in their sterile boardroom.
• In line for the Racer, there were three older teens behind me talking about how they were going to take the back row and in my head I was like, “LOL, try it.” The group in front of us ran for the front and Chooch and I breezed right into the back row. Two of the guys got to snag the back row in the other train but their friend was left to dejectedly sit alone in some dumb row, lol. Anyway, I still think the Racer is fucking boring but I have to admit it’s smoother than most of the other racer-types we have recently ridden, fo’ sho’.

• The same guys ended up being in front of us for Steel Curtain and the ride attendant cut the line off at them since there were three of them and only two more riders were needed for the train that was queueing up so the ride attendant told Chooch and me to go ahead of them AND WE GOT THE BACK ROW AGAIN LOL. I felt kind of bad. Especially when….
• ….WE BROKE DOWN ON THE BRAKE RUN! So then they had to call up the out-of-shape maintenance guys who noodled on up in their golf cart and then like, 6 other Kennywood manager-looking people in polo shirts walked over from their secret underground headquarters. They got us back into the station in under five minutes (it was much less worse than the time we broke down on the Gatekeeper brake run) but then of course they had to shut down the ride for a bit to test it so those poor guys had to wait even longer. They probably really hated us then.
• Speaking of the Steel Curtain, it’s been running one-train ops FOREVER now. Like, what the fuck is the issue? Actually, I think I used to know and then forgot. But anyway, for one-train ops,  I do have to give lots of credit to the Steel Curtain crew because they fucking HUSTLE and even try to  to call out single riders in order to fill all the rows, which is something that I don’t see happening very often.

• This little kid photobombed us in line for Jack Rabbit and then excitedly blurted out, “I photobombed you!” and I thought that was really cute and Chooch was annoyed because we’re supposed to hate all kids together and he doesn’t like it when I find exceptions. Also, I love the fucking Jack Rabbit. I REALLY stopped and appreciated it this time around, having been on so many different wooden coasters lately. This bitch is 101 years old (the coaster, not me, though I am aging rapidly these days) and still so fucking smooth. I’m mad at CORPORATE KENNYWOOD but I have to say – they take excellent care of their coasters. They know they got a good thing going!

• Right about the time we were ready to eat, it started to rain. We were SO SMUG about this because for the last several years, whenever we go to Kennywood sans Henry it has been our tradition to eat at Johnny Rockets because they have a veggie burger. Plus, it’s indoors, whereas when we’re with Henry, we get pizza and have to eat it at a table outside. This is FINE but not when it’s raining. Well, since we got to Johnny Rockets right as the rain started, it hadn’t yet been deluged by people seeking shelter so the line to order wasn’t very long at all. In fact, there were only several groups ahead of us. But while we were standing there, I happened to glance at the menu. Then I did a second, longer glance. Then I walked closer to it and squinted. CONFIRMED: THE VEGGIE BURGER NO LONGER EXISTS IN THE JOHNNY ROCKETS WORLD. I’m not sure if this is just a temporary covid thing, an economy thing, a FUCK VEGETARIANS thing, or what, but it threw us for an actual loop because it was now STORMING and the only other indoor eating place had a line coming almost out the door.
  • Which brings us to that portion of the bullets: THE PARK CAFE ALSO HATES VEGETARIANS portion. First of all, congratulations for being literally the longest line we stood in all day, Park Cafe place. Also, congratulations to the whole lotta Yinzers declining to wear their masks indoors while in line and not eating. Cool. Cool cool cool. Anyway, I was panicking because my eyes are bad and I couldn’t see the menu and didn’t know if there were any options for me (Chooch said he was getting the mac & cheese dinner and I 100% did not want that). Chooch walked closer to the menu and reported back that they had a veggie wrap. Now I was happy! A veggie wrap sounded like JUST WHAT I WANTED.
  • Then I had a solid 30 minutes to stand in line, panicking about WHERE TO SIT once we got our food because 75% of the motheryinzers up in that piece were rain-averse sissies looking for shelter and not actually eating at the Park Cafe. For instance, we were standing near this one FEMALE who was taking up three (three!!!!) tables with her little brood of brats and they were eating snacks she had brought with her in ziplock bags. She was sitting there staring at everyone, while eating crackers. LITERALLY BEING A BITCH EATING CRACKERS. I watched her drop a crumb on her lap and then lazily pick it up and eat it. I HATED HER BIGLY.
  • When we got to the ordering portion of the line, I confidently screamed through my mask that I would be having a veggie wrap, please and thanks, only for the sandwich counter broad to come back and say, “I’m sorry we’re out of veggie wraps.” SO I SAID “OK NEVER MIND THEN I’M GOOD I GUESS” and ended up just getting an order of fries from the HOT FOODS counter and I was sad about it because first of all, I didn’t want fries, and second of all, if I did I would have gone to the POTATO PATCH BECAUSE HELLO WHO GOES TO KENNYWOOD AND THEN EATS NON-POTATO PATCH FRIES?? I guess a lot of people because I was seeing fries on many trays.
  • THEN I ALMOST SHANKED AN OLD BITCH WITH MY EYES ALONE WHEN SHE CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE DRINK LINE. I only given the guy my drink order and Chooch was right next to me waiting to get his drink too but after the man handed me my water (#CheapBitchAlert), this old bitch went right on ahead with her bad self and ordered pink lemonade. I looked at her and ACTUALLY made an “UGH” gasp sound and she shrugged and said, “I’m sorry, but he looked at me so I ordered!” Later on, Chooch white knighted her and I disowned him.
• Oh! We saw Aaron in Johnny Rockets! Apparently his brother who now works with Henry was also on his way. Henry excitedly texted me about this because that’s his Work Son and he knows everything about him. He definitely talks to Henry more than Henry’s actual sons do LOLOLOL.

• Is there even a more Pittsburghy picture? I mean, sure there is. But man. This is iconic. Steel shit in the background and good ass coasters in the forefront. Love that for us.
• Ugh, I stupidly put a temporary moratorium on my Millie’s ban because their KENNYWOOD EXCLUSIIVE flavor is a lemon thing with Eat n Park smiley cookies so I got that and it pretty OK for the first couple of bites but then I just felt sick and also remembered that I don’t even really like smiley cookies that much anymore but now I had wasted my KENNYWOOD SWEET TREAT on stupid ass Millie’s when I should have stuck with Golden Nugget. I was SO SAD. (Yes, I considered doubling up on ice cream but my stomach rejected that idea before I even had a chance to think the full thought.)

• It was still raining a little bit and because of nearby lightning, the coasters were still down. So we got in line for the Whip because it was running. While in line, there was a group of four kids in front of us, and the one girl who was maybe 13 was being SUCH.A.CUNT. She was evidently very offended and personally affected by the fact that one of the people with her had the AUDACITY to wear a mask. He looked like he was maybe 15, I dunno, I can’t tell ages. She kept screaming at him to take it off, the ‘rona’s not real (HATE when people call it that, btw) and when he failed to do her bidding, she ripped the mask off his face and threw it over the railing of the queue!!! Then she got in his face and coughed dramatically and with much vigor. OH BOY if that was my fucking kid she would HAVE GOT IT. I half-expected this guy to scream back at her but instead, he calmly pulled another mask out of his pocket and put it on. I mean, good for him for being the bigger person, but if I were under the age of 18, that bitch would have had her hair yanked out of her white trash head. You know she learned that shit from her parents, too! Ma and Pa are probably still proudly flying that TRUMP 2020 flag from their trailer. Of course, I took a picture of the bitch but I will be MATURE and not post it here also because I don’t want to get in trouble lol.

• she might be in the background though.

• When we got off the Whip (which was extra whippy and fun in the rain!), I saw that the Swings were testing so Chooch and I got in line with all the GP, like wow how hard-pressed we were for action in the rain. Also, I was NOT leaving the park just because it was raining. Rainy days are the best times to go to Kennywood. So, we stood in line waiting for the Swings to reopen and when the unsmiling worker took away the CLOSED FOR WEATHER sign, we cheered with all of the little kids and their mommys. Then a bunch of people walking by were swayed by our cheers to also ride the Swings. The power of choral cheers,  you know?
  • We also stood in line for quite a while waiting for Musik Express (which was previously supposed to be closed for the whole day) to be cleaned and tested.

WE HAD NOAH’S ARK TO OURSELVES.

• We did eventually get back on Phantom’s Revenge. Man, this baby was running SO GOOD, and then right after it rained? Wow. Anyway, we were in line for the back as per usual when I noticed that the Bitch Eating Crackers was also in line with her Kids Eating Crackers. “Look,” I whispered* to Chooch. “There’s that bitch from the Parkside Cafe who—” when she looked at me and said, “Do yinz want to get in front of us?” and I finished my sentence by saying, “Oh wow, yes, thank you so much!” We took the spot in front of them and Chooch looked at me and said, “Wow, right after you called her a bitch.”
  • *I always wonder if my whispering is loud, tho.

UM IS THAT A SEATBELT FLYING IN THE AIR OMG LOL

• I will literally never stop going to Kennywood as long Phantom is there.
  • Here’s an entire post about just one of the rides we had on Phantom that day.

• They redid Garfield’s Nightmare so it’s more like how it used to be….kind of? Chooch was mad and wants them to bring back Garfield but that’s just because he’s from a generation that only knows this ride as Garfield’s Nightmare. I thought they were restoring it to the original Haunted Hideaway but they just gave it like, a modern update. I dunno, but they gave it a confusing storyline and I wasn’t sure what was going on.

• Oh! We rode Steel Curtain again later in the day because the line was very short, like maybe 20 minutes, and of course the eccentric old man in front of me turned and started jawing off to me about how it’s his favorite ride in the park and he’s ridden it over 300 times and he’s aiming for 500 and blah blah blah. I was trying very hard to be conversational with him but it was hard because, and I swear I’m not exaggerating for the sake of being a mean girl, but he only had one bottom tooth and it was so hard to understand him. Then he turned back around and Chooch said, “That’s totally not blood on his shirt though, right.” OMG I THINK MAYBE IT WAS??? Anyway, the ride operators totally knew him and called out to him by his name and I felt kind of cool since I was standing next to him. LOOK I AM HARD-UP FOR ATTENTION and even second hand attention by a 20-year-old ride operator at Kennywood is something for me to write about it in my diary.
• Over a week later and I still regret my decision to choose Millie’s over Golden Nugget. I will never let that happen again, if you take me back, Golden Nugget. Please say you will take me back.
• My Sharona was playing at one point as we were walking around and Chooch asked, “Oh, is this the actual song? I thought it was the Weird Al version at first and thought it was weird that they would play that here” and I admitted that I not only forgot that Weird Al did a parody of that song, but that I forgot he existed in general. Then later that night, I had regular TV on for some reason in the background and THIS HAPPENED:

Well, that’ll do it. Kennywood was annoying but also fun. I still hate Thomas Town even though I went through a HEAVY Thomas the Tank Engine phase in high school and signed yearbooks with a Thomas stamp (don’t ask) and I hate Steelers Country and all the missing FLAT RIDES and fuck Johnny Rockets and Millie’s, but one ride on Phantom’s Revenge can make me forget it all.

Remember Wordless Wednesday?? Probably not. It was a “thing” in the blogosphere (yep, I really just used that word) way back when people still actually read blogs. Anyway, let’s pretend that this still exists because I have really no words, what with the depressing/horrifying/are you kidding me state of the world. So today I will share some songs that have been carrying through. Sorry, I’m still predominantly into Korean music so x-out now if you’re not interested!

1. Maniac – NCT U (Doyoung & Haechan)

Big props to my pal Veronica for the heads up about this one, it somehow completely fell under my radar, which is surprising because Haechan is my NCT bias! Veronica pointed out that it has Debarge and Doobie Brothers (“What a Fool Believes”) vibes and I totally get that too – it’s the horns! I’d even go as far as to say that it has some 1980s Genesis flavor too. I’ve listened to it on repeat for like a full hour today. OK I’m listening to this again right now and I started crying because it makes me feel so happy.

luv u haechan!

2. Low Low – Ten & YangYang

Boiiii you know I love me some Ten, and I am so happy that SM is giving him so much to do lately!

3. Nakka – AKMU (ft. IU)

Can AKMU do anything wrong? They’re genius siblings, IFSTG. Plus, the addition of IU just raises this song even higher. I love it so much. (JANNA DOES TOO, in case you were wondering, “yeah, but does JANNA like it?”)

4. Lilac – IU

I mean, speaking of IU…

 5. Hula Hoops – DPR Live (ft. Beenzino & Hwasa)

This song has been in my head for a solid week! My fave kpop aerobics guy has a routine for this song and it’s so much fun, I love him and this song. Also, I wish I looked as fierce as Hwasa does by literally doing nothing. She’s a goddess. Also this reminds me that I wanted to buy weighted hula hoops for EXERCISE so catch me later online investigating that fitness rabbit hole.

6. You Can’t Sit With Us – Sunmi

THE QUEEN IS BACK. Sunmi is incapable of recording bad songs. This is my current anthem. I would like to sing it to lots of people. You can’t sit with us, fuck off, I hate you.

7. I Know I Love You – TXT (ft. Seori) 

TXT reminds me of when BTS was still good. I love this song namu namu namu much.

8. Hold On Me – Nam Woo Hyun (ft. Junoflo)

This song makes me want to run through my neighborhood in the rain. Actually, it’s raining now, so….

BONUS SONG: In honor of MY KING G-Dragon’s birthday today, we gotta end it with a GD jam!

OK, there were some words, sorry.

Ugh, I have been trying to drag this out for as long as possible, but sadly (though happily for anyone still coming back to this thing), we’ve arrived at the last day of the vacation thing.

Henry and I woke up early again and went for one last walk. I wanted especially to get a picture by the WILDWOODS sign when it wasn’t overly crowded and it turns out that 7am is a good time to accomplish this though even then we had to hang back a bit and wait for other people to have their chance. Um, I know that this concrete beach ball is barely even that high off the ground but my heart was PALPITATING. I had to call upon my inner Suni Lee for some balance inspo.

#TOKYOOLYMPICS2020 #NEVERFORGET #WATCHEDITINEVERYHOTELWESTAYEDAT

But on the real though, I will always associate the Olympics with this vacation now!

I think I already mentioned this in my BIRTHDAY POST but some grandma was pushing a grandbaby in a stroller when we were doing our dumb photoshoot and she was adamant about taking a picture of the both of us but it was really awful and she cut a ton of the sign out, lol.  I preferred to be as far back as possible so as not to ruin the picture with my cringe.

I was starving when we got back to the room so we woke up SURLY CHOOCH and made him get ready for breakfast. He actually remembered to say Happy Birthday so that was cool. You would think I would have wanted to go somewhere to have a big fancy birthday morning meal but no – I was dying to eat at the restaurant below the OLYMPIC BEACH RESORT or whatever the Olympic is called now. So, just basic diner-ish food but I was cool with that, just for the chance to be THAT MUCH CLOSER to the inside of the OLYMPIC.

Henry was really over this whole OLYMPIC thing by now. And I don’t think Chooch even realized what was happening.

YESSSS.

I had French toast because it was my birthday. It was OK! I was just happy to be eating said French toast IN THE OLYMPIC. And the hostess thanked us profusely for coming in so I thought we were real VIPs for a second until she said the same shit to people who came in after us. :(

Afterward, I started to harass Chooch for coming to the beach and then…not going to the beach.

“I didn’t come to the beach,” he mumbled. “I was brought to the beach.”

WOW OH WOW JUST WOW, we are such sinister parents. Can you believe the GULL we must have, dragging this poor, precious boy to the JERSEY SHORE against his will? I know I’d rather be sitting in my dark bedroom playing MINECRAFT or whatever with internet friends.

“OK Bobby,” I said cheerfully, “take off your shoes, we’re going to the beach while your FATHER packs.”

Speaking of Back to the Beach (literally  try to reference this as much as possible IN THE REAL LIFE), when we were on the boardwalk, there was a picture of a young Frankie Avalon getting ice cream at Kohr Bros and Chooch grumpily muttered, “I don’t even know who that is.”

“IT’S FRANKIE AVALON,” I cried. “FROM BACK TO THE BEACH!” I bet he really wants that movie to be what he’s remembered for, lol. But I was a kid when that came out and literally had no idea who he was, just that PEE WEE HERMAN was in this movie and I had to see it, oh my god, so my Aunt Sharon took me to the theater, neither of us having any idea what the actual movie was about, and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since. I recorded the song that the cast sings at the end with the microphone of my old ass Fisher Price tape recorder, memorializing it on my first ever mixed tape (it was translucent yellow with a rainbow on the corner!) when I was in grade school. That tape will always live on in my heart.

(I also taped “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell from the TV at my Pappap’s house using the same method and I thought I was a fucking genius, probably.

Anyway. The beach. We went to there. I think Chooch had regERTZ for not actually wanting to spend more time there sooner but oh well, maybe listen to MOMMY next time, she knows best.

Chooch: who cares about the beach

Also Chooch: *compulsively makes a mess in the sand like a toddler*

Ugh, then we checked out around 10:30 (I will actually admit that the GOLD CREST was OK even though it wasn’t THE OLYMPIC and that maybe I would stay there again only because I don’t want Henry crapping on my good childhood memories and traditions with his dumb snoring and blank T-shirts or whatever.) From there, we drove to Six Flags Great Adventure, which was only about an hour away and look, I know I said that we had nixed this from the original itinerary because El Toro is closed for the season and then the brand new RMC single-rail – Jersey Devil – went down for maintenance, but listen Linda: the Jersey Devil ended up opening up again and I wanted to ride a fine-ass RMC on my motherfucking birthday, OK?

I figured it would be crowned, but it would be worth it to me to just go there, ride the damn thing, and then leave.

Also, I kept waking up throughout the night because the TV was playing commercials for Jersey Devil literally all night long. Like it was an omen.

LOL, but then we got there and it was CLOSED. And so was Nitro, the third most anticipated coaster I wanted to ride. So basically, the park’s top three (not even exaggerating, these are legitimately the park’s premier attractions) coasters were DOWN that day, which meant that even though it actually wasn’t that crowded, everyone was funneling into the other lines so some of the coasters had two-hour waits.

So that was a big let down, but I will say one thing: the atmosphere here was the best of the three Six Flags I’ve been to (well, four if you count that now-defunct Geauga Lake one in Ohio that Henry and I tried to have “a date” at in the salad days of our relationship lol. Ugh.

I mean, it’s not the Wildwood boardwalk, that’s for sure!

Anyway, I was super sulky and pouty about my shitty birthday luck (but at least we didn’t pay to get in!), so I just wanted to leave right away after finding out the bad news. But Chooch was all, “Can we just, I dunno, mosey on over to Kingda Ka, just to see?”

That was definitely my LEAST ANTICIPATED coaster of the whole park because I hate hate hate Top Thrill Dragster and this one is even higher (it’s actually the launch that I hate because it’s honestly so unnecessary, no one should ever want to feel like that). But fuck fuck fuck, the wait time was only about 30 minutes so I let him drag me on it and we got the back row and I honestly had a hard time walking after that; my legs were made of Jell-o.

You can see that piece of shit in the background  – that big tall dumb looking thing. It’s a strata coaster, so it’s over 400 feet high. I just hate it. I hate sitting there waiting for it to launch, it’s like waiting for a death sentence.

But in the forefront is EL TORO. It had a pretty terrible maintenance issue / accident in June when the back car of one of the trains partially derailed (no one was hurt). It happened early on in the ride so a shit ton of the track got busted from the derailed wheels scraping along the course. Needless to say, this bad boy is going to be down for a while and I’m gutted because this is such a bucket list coaster for me, and I’ll tell you why: it’s the closest thing to my beloved T-Express in South Korea’s Everland that I will ever get to until I go back to Korea one day. T-Express completely shattered my idea of what a roller-coaster – especially a wooden one – could accomplish. I just never really cared that much about coasters when we went to parks – I would ride them, but I was always on the prowl for crazy flat rides and unique dark rides. I mean, I was a card-carrying member of the Dark Ride & Funhouse Enthusiasts club, lest you forget.

The T-Express is an Intamin pre-fab coaster and it broke records when it was constructed. Then Intamin (with the help of RMC!!! DREAMTEAM) built El Toro several years later and EVERYONE gushes about El Toro. It’s in so many enthusiasts’ Top 10 and I am so sad that I will likely have to wait another year before finally experiencing it. The silver lining to this is that some of the coaster YouTubers I watch say that this coaster was running pretty rough and slowly over the last few years and that getting retracked is probably the best thing that could happen so HERE IS HOPING.

Other things we managed to ride that didn’t have terribly long lines:

• Runaway Mine Train thing (so fucking rough and awful but that part of the park was very pretty)
• The Joker, pictured above: Chooch’s and my first 4D free spin and it was not great and the line moved so slowly. I’ll take the good old, tried and true Zipper over this any day.
• Harley Quinn’s Crazy Train or something, which was a surprisingly fun family coaster.
• Skull Mountain – a really fucking shitty indoor wild mouse type coaster that had next to no theming and was basically just a half-dark warehouse with like, junk laying around.
• Hall of Justice League – super long wait for a shooting ride, but the video they had playing during it was actually pretty entertaining even though I do not care about DC comic superhero stuff at all, and the ride itself was SHOCKINGLY fun for a shooting ride, which I usually hate.

Standing in line for Skull Mountain and having no idea how let down we were about to be, lol. Also, if you were following along on my birthday week adventures, you may recall that Chooch started repeating his t-shirts and that’s because we stupidly let him pack for himself and he thought we were only going to be gone “until Monday.” Luckily, he had some extra shirts but Henry to go to a Dollar General on our first day in Wildwood to buy him socks and underwear lol.

We left Six Flags around 3 or 4 (and I got yelled at by a custodian cleaning up puke by the exit for trying to go around him, which seemed on par for this lame birthday) because we were driving home that same day (WHO PLANNED A TRAVEL DAY ON MY BIRTHDAY, HENRY) and didn’t want to get home at like 3am. The drive was super boring and full of me being a big crybaby because nothing is ever good enough for Princess Erin. There is some additional stuff in this post that I wrote in the car when I was pointedly ignoring Henry. We got home around 1am and the cats didn’t even care because they hung out with my mom all week so they didn’t miss at all.

And I have been floating in post-vacation depression ever since.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, BYE.

Last week, Cedar Point announced that Wicked Twister (otherwise affectionately known as Spaghetti Noodle if you live in my Oh Honestly house) would be retired this season, with the last cycles happening on Labor Day. At first I took solace in the fact that Chooch and I got to ride it twice in June because we do truly enjoy this strange coaster. But then I looked at Henry and said, “I mean, we could go this Sunday and just ride Spaghetti Noodle and leave DOT DOT DOT.”

Henry sighed and of course eventually agreed. Thank god for those Cedar Fair passes though because otherwise that would have been an expensive farewell to Spaghetti Noodle.

Anyway, that’s what we did today. We left the house around 6am in order to get to the park before 9am for early entry so we could at least get a ride on SteVe while we were there.

Of course half of early entry was spent watching SteVe being tested but I’d rather wait in line for 45 minutes than 150 minutes during regular park hours that’s for sure.

Henry opted to use his early entry time on Maverick instead and for some reason this was a Big Deal to Chooch and me because it’s funny to think of Henry going off and doing his own shit at a theme park. You know?

Just really funny.

Henry’s Big Early Entry.

Then Chooch and I got in a mild argument because he said he doesn’t really think SteVe is that worth it, and ow my heart. We are truly a house divided: he’s cuckoo for B&M gigas while my heart lies with RMC hyper hybrids.

I am seriously beholden to those Rocky Mountain Construction beasts. If Kennywood got an RMC, watch me get a season pass.

Anyway.

We managed to get on before the FAST LANE people made their mad stampede into the queue and that in and of itself felt like a huge win.

Then we reconvened with Henry and made our way to Millennium Force just in time for the park to open up to the GP and honestly after that, almost everything had between a 90-120 minute wait but we expected that since it’s a Sunday in August.

I had to bat my eyelashes at the ride attendant because he was assigning seats on Millie and I really wanted the back. He hesitated and I whined, “Puh-lease?” and he sighed and said, “ok go ahead.” Henry rolled his eyes but I was like THANK GOD I CAN STILL SOMETIMES WIN BOYS OVER.

Millie was nice. She is not my favorite giga but I do really enjoy that view of Lake Erie from the lift hill. It’s weird but I think I actually prefer hypers over gigas.

YOU CARE.

Then it was time for Spaghetti Noodle! Henry promised that he would actually ride it for once (and last).

Here’s me being said it’s my last ride on it and Henry not caring (chooch was too busy texting to get in the picture):

Usually this bitch is a station wait but since CP announced that it’s getting rid of it, people suddenly care about riding it so we had to wait a whole ass 30 minutes. Where were you people before??

I know it’s not a world-class ride that’s going to bring people to CP, but man, I truly do enjoy it!

Afterward, Henry said he could take it or leave it. “Well, I think it’s exhilarating!” I enthused.

“You’re exhilarating,” Henry said and I noted a pinch of sarcasm.

“Yeah I know, you’re not the first person to say that about me.”

“I bet,” he muttered.

For some inexplicable reason, Chooch’s season pass account received a free Fast Lane Plus to use on any one ride, so he chose to use it on Top Thrill Dragster; while that was happening, Henry and I pretended like we were on a date (lol no) and rode Gemini. Henry hates Gemini because the last time we rode it, the lap bar fell down as he was getting in the seat and he tripped and hurt his poor leggie awwwww. But I begged him to ride it with me today and he was all GODDAMNIT YOU OWE ME like he hasn’t been saying that to me for the last 20 years hahaha.

I’m sorry, but I think this is a fine ride. I screamed and laughed through the whole thing and yelled at Henry when he refused to slap hands with the people on the other train as they passed us because he “didn’t want to touch people’s dirty hands” and ok fine I guess I will give him a pass because it’s a pandemic still but show some enthusiasm, boy!

I really wanted to get this for Henry but I didn’t have my credit card because I never bring anything other than my phone to amusement parks, and Henry was in the Sweet Spot buying cookies at the time OH WELL.

(I kind of wish I had gone back and bought it for myself though because that design is rad.)

I know that I shouldn’t still be concerned with Bosco Sticks now that I know it was CHEESE ON A STICK that Carrie said is her favorite Cedar Point treat, but my stubborn side has me determined to eat a fucking Bosco Stick inside Cedar Point now. This time it was actually opened so I thought WOW THIS IS HAPPENING ITS REALLY HAPPENING. REALLY. REALLY REALLY.

Oh except that THEY DIDN’T HAVE ANY. Come on Cedar Point! You can order that shit from Amazon. There is no excuse for this Bosco Stick deficit!

It was around 2pm at this point and that’s when we loosely decided we were staying til, and having accomplished all we came to do in several hours, I think we all felt that we were ready to leave. It was a good day, actually! I got a SteVe coffee cup and then stared dreamily at him for a bit before I determined that I was definitely ready to go. Please enjoy some photos of this bad ass big boy.

Oh PS before we left, Henry had to buy cookies and when we were leaving the Candy place, some elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair was trying to get out so I opened the door for her.

“Wow. Did she have a cat or a squirrel on her lap? She must have for you to actually help a human,” Henry the Comic said. Wow he’s so funny. Catch his next act tonight at the garbage dump after I drop off his body.

Then immediately after this some guy practically thrusted his phone at me and asked me in a very THIS IS NOT UP FOR NEGOTIATION tone to take a picture of him and his family. I mean, I did it but man…that was too much Peopling for me in a very short span of time. I was definitely ready to leave after that!

After we left, we went back to that Big Ed’s Soda Shop in Vermilion where we ate last time. That place is so quaint.

My dad would probably go into conniptions if he ever came here. He LOVES old shit.

Well, now we’re about an hour and a half away from home so I’m going to go and make Henry talk about coasters while Chooch ignores us from the backseat.

(Proof that he was with us today lol.)

Thursday, aka Birthday Eve, was supposed to be our “relaxing day” where we didn’t have to drive for hours just to spend even more additional hours in a blacktop jungle surrounded by coasters with massive lines. We started the day off by rising and shining for an early AM walk on the beach. And by “we” I certainly only mean Henry and me because Surly Teen could not be stirred from his deep seaside slumber.

Wow. What a vision. Grumpy with a side of Get Off My Lawn.

As I said before, we’re not beach people in the sense that we’d ever be content with lugging chairs & towels & umbrellas, and whatever other beachy accouterment comes with the territory but I do enjoy walking along the water. Same with rivers and lakes – you won’t catch me doggy-paddling inside an innertube, but that wet nature just lures me to it.

Even though I may lose interest rather quickly.

After an invigorating morning stroll, Henry walked over to the OLYMPIC WHICH IS WHERE I STAYED WITH MY FAMILY IN CASE YOU MISSED THE PREVIOUS 87 TIMES I MENTIONED THAT and brought back some coffee and breakfast breadstuffs for us. Then we woke up The Surly One and took a drive over to Cape May because I was obsessed with revisiting it as an adult to see if it was still boring and I’m happy to report back that YES, CAPE MAY IS STILL FOR BORING PEOPLE who enjoy walking very slowly and buying ceramic things.

We drove around for a bit and I was honestly not inspired at all to park and do much of anything else.

“Why did we come here again?” Henry wrenched open his perma-frowned lips long enough to ask.

There was always one day on our vacations when my grandma would INSIST that we go to Cape May. Back then, it always seemed like it was so goddamn far away and I would sulk the whole way there in the backseat, knowing that it was going to one fucking boutique and novelty shop after another, waiting for my grandma to boost the local economy while the rest of us stood on sidewalks staring into space.

One time I bought Mexican jumping beans at some toy store there, and a pair of wooden domino earrings which I wore this one time my grandma took me to play BINGO. (The only time she took me to play BINGO lol.) That was the only semi-positive memory I have of this place. I think this is where we took a dolphin-watching boat tour one summer too and even in that picture, I look like I belong on the cover of a straight-to-VHS Firestarter sequel.

Anyway, what a boring drive. Congratulations Henry: you somehow made Cape May even more boring than my grandma did.

Came back to the GOLD CREST – DID I MENTION WE DIDN’T STAY AT THE OLYMPIC. Henry and Chooch “played ping pong” briefly before we walked to lunch. Quite possibly the shortest game of ping pong that ever pinged and ponged.

Shit I already forget the name of this place. Sea Side Diner or something? It was on the way to the boardwalk which is where we were heading after lunch. Henry thought our waitress was rude (she was just young) and Chooch was like WHY DON’T YOU TELL HER TO SMILE MORE but then he had to jump to clarify that he was joking because sometimes Henry is dumb.

Anyway, here is a series of pictures of Henry eating, courtesy of Chooch:

We almost matched, I hate when that happens.

Not me looking the most uncomfortable.

After lunch, we went back to the boardwalk because we promised Chooch that we’d play stupid mini golf.

I actually used to love mini golf when I was younger but lately, I do not have the patience or attention span for it. I get so bored when it’s not my turn! However, Henry was doing horribly for some reason so now that he was losing, I was suddenly inspired to give it my all.

He hit the ball way out of bounds at one point which is VERY OUT OF CHARACTER for him, and Chooch and I are usually the ones co-opting the Happy Gilmore title. Chooch and I had to do our patented pee-squat because we were laughing to the point of pee-drops as usual. Henry losing? LOVE TO SEE IT.

Then we went to MISTER SOFTEE which I had become obsessed with the day before when I learned that they had a Fruity Pebbles thing so I had tunnel vision after that and would not consider any other ice cream establishment. But then once we were there, my obsession spread to encompass the entire vibe of the place, which I would later go back to the room at the GOLD CREST, YOU ALREADY KNOW to write about it on the same day because I was that stupid-excited. 

Of course right as we were walking over to it, three old broads swooped in like septuagenarian sea gulls from the left and cut us off, so now we had to wait for the Granny Brigade to fuck around with their reading glasses and CHANGE PURSES.

“God, go back to Cape May,” I mumbled under my breath, and Henry, having just experienced the drowsiness of that place that very morning, actually laughed.

Henry, like, never laughs at anything I say. Well, I mean, NO ONE does but you’d expect your life partner to toss you a rewarding chuck, gig, or chort every now and then.

Then we gave Surly Son a wad of cash for the arcade and went off to buy souvenirs. I mean, maybe I’d have hated Cape May a little less if my grandma had had the same courtesy, YOU KNOW. I’m sure there was a Pac Man machine somewhere in Cape May.

A really strange thing happened though. As Henry and I were walking along the boardwalk, there was a family below us riding bikes on a sidewalk. A little boy was screaming his sister’s name over and over, and the mom was like, “OK WYANT STOP YELLING YOUR SISTER’S NAME.”

So I sneered, “Yeah, Wyant, you dumb bitch.” Because that’s the kind of sweetheart I am when it comes to stranger children. But then in my head I thought, “What an uncommon name for a kid,” you know? You don’t really run into many Wyant’s these days. And then also in my head I started repeating the name of the girl he was screaming. And suddenly, I was like, “OMG IS THIS WESTLEY’S FAMILY.” Because there is a neighborhood kid that Chooch used to hang out with when he was still at his old school and I remember thinking it was funny that the boys in the family all had names that started with a W (there’s an older son too who has a W-name), but then the youngest is a girl who does not have a W-name. I knew for sure that the two younger boys are Wyant and Westley because how do you forget those names, but I texted Chooch and asked him what Westley’s sister’s name is AND HE CONFIRMED THAT IT WAS THE NAME THE LITTLE BOY WAS SHOUTING AND WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT THIS COULD HAVE BEEN ANY OTHER FAMILY WITH KIDS NAMED WESTLEY, WYANT AND GEORGIE.

So I was like, “Congrats, they’re here in Wildwood” and of course Chooch was like, “WTF” because he and Westley ARE NOT BROS ANYMORE. And honestly,  thank god because I was lowkey jealous of the mom who apparently was a REAL MOM who was always baking cookies, dusting, feeding Chooch grilled cheese, etc etc. I got such a complex about her that I flipped out one day and accused him of wishing she was his mom so that year for Mother’s Day, he gave me a card that said “P.S. Fuck westley’s mom.”

AW.

Seriously though, I eventually met her at some school function and she seemed really nice. But apparently, Wesley turned into a jerk so Chooch is no longer friends with him and that’s probably for the best because they had a Trump flag in their yard last year.

So.

(Also I changed their names slightly lest I get in trouble for this blog again.)

I’m a sucker for good signage.

You know, I have never actually been on the tram car! At least, not that I can remember.

Chooch and I only did the rides on Wednesday, but Henry still had his ticket card so our plan was to hang out on the boardwalk until it got dark, put some credits on the card and take the Great White for a spin at night. Until then, we just enjoyed our time shopping for souvenirs and taffy and letting Chooch suck our wallets dry like the money-hungry arcade vampire that he is.

I just couldn’t get enough of this lighting package!

Chooch had pre-decided the day before that he would be dining on Hot Spot mozzarella stick pizza for dinner, so we sat with him while he ate and then went and got our own slices at Mack’s.

I don’t remember if we ever ate here when I was a kid, but I watched enough YouTube videos to understand that Mack’s is a big favorite among the Wildwood purists, so we definitely wanted to form our own opinions through mastication.

Um, yes. Yes, this was some good-ass motherfucking pizza, friends. I got a slice of plain (ONLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T SEE THE OPTION FOR BLACK OLIVES UNTIL AFTER FML) and one slice of white, and I can honestly tell you that Mack’s was the best slice of white pizza (NOT PICTURED) that this dirty mouth of mine ever did meet. Boardwalk pizza is so fucking good and I would actually be surprised if I found a slice anywhere there that I didn’t like, to be quite frank, and my new goal is to go back there next summer and try them all.

I’m a THIN CRUST bitch.

We were walking past this one arcade when I noticed that there was a sign in the back that said FASCINATION and Chooch loves that game. So we went inside and it turns out it was some vintage arcade and so goddamn cool.

Also, I’m not saying this is a sign or anything, but clearly, I am living in the past with my obsession with the Olympic Motor Inn and have name-dropped it 234679827 times during this vacation recap (actually, now that I think about it, I even have some old pictures of it that I posted some time ago on here!), the summer Olympics were on-going while we were here so we ended every night with watching the latest from Tokyo in whatever hotel room we happened to be in that day, and then I just noticed that the Fascination sign has an OLYMPIC FLAME on it.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

I say this all the time but motherfuck, I wish there were word lotteries.

I would really like one or 5 of those chairs, please.

Oh, let’s talk about “It” some more, you say? I wish I could put this in my backyard.

Actually…one would fit quite nicely in my mom’s yard…

I think the worst (and only bad) moment of the day was when Henry and I were walking along and suddenly we heard, “*THUMP THUMP THUMP* what’s up guys?” as Chooch came casually striding up to us with the stupid ass basketball he traded his tickets in for.

“Yay,” Henry deadpanned. “A $60 basketball.”

Ugh, he’s always trying to win basketballs.

The sun had finally set so Chooch and I got our back row night ride on The Great White, and while waiting in the station I heard the previously mentioned Bush and Fuel song’s of my 90s past and wow. I literally could not have asked for a better end to a wonderful (don’t get too excited Cape May, I’m just pretending like you didn’t happen that day) Thursday.

On the walk back to, well, you know where, little pebbles were scattering around Henry’s feet. After finally reaching his limit, Henry spun around and yelled, “STOP KICKING ROCKS AT ME!” to Chooch the Pest, who calmly corrected, “I’m THROWING them at you, actually.”

Chooch and I went to Kennywood on Tuesday, which I will recap with way too many words sometime soon, OH DON’T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT, but until then, here’s the latest dumb on-ride souvenir picture that I deemed a must-purchase because memories, etc etc.

So, it was our third or fourth ride on Phantom’s Revenge that day. We were in the backseat as usual – I can’t remember the last time I sat anywhere other than the back or very first row on this daddy, now that I think about it…this is the EPITOME of back-row coaster for us, but we also like night rides in the front. There, now you know. Everything seemed regular until we began our ascent up the lift hill and the lady in front of me did one quick flick and shake of her hair, and suddenly the majority of her mane had encroached on my personal space. Her Disney Damsel locks were so incredibly long that they were straight up grazing my thighs.

I had no idea what to do. Gather her hair into a bushel and dump it back into her own seat?? I made a THE FUCK?? motion with my hands to Chooch, who started cracking up while watching the ends of her hair lap against my legs. I took off the hair elastic from my wrist and pantomimed wrapping it around her hair, which made Chooch crack up even harder. I kept trying to scooch back in my seat but there was no escaping this modern day Crystal Gale.

But then suddenly we had crested the top of the lift hill without me even realizing it, and as the train dropped, her hair came up like a sheet, crashing against my face. I kept my mouth clamped shut for fear of inhaling any tendrils which were now flying around my face willy-nilly like hair noodles. Out of instinct, I put my arms up in the air, as one does on rollercoasters, but my fingers became ensnared in her follicular garden and the thought of Stranger Strands coiling around my hands made me want to fucking die. Hair is so….INTIMATE. I did not want to have any sort of RELATIONS with this broad, especially behind her back.

Literally!

The frizz flagellation was relentless. The way this ginger sheath was whipping and slapping against my face, I felt like Cinderella being bitch-slapped by a mop, like a car going through a car wash, like a wall being pelted by cooked pasta.

And Chooch never stopped laughing at my…wigging out.

Eventually, I had to cover my face with my hands to protect myself from any additional lock lashings.

And my plight was captured on film for posterity.

Of course, I had to buy it at that point because even though the idea of having that much extended contact with some broad’s hair is utterly disgusting to me and is actually making me dry-heave days later as I relive it through this writing, my pain was so hilarious to Chooch that it became funny to me too.

One confused look from the Kennywood photo cashier and $15 later, here we are.

I sent it to my brother Corey who scream-texted, “WHAT IF SHE HAS LICE” which added new layers to my horror. But then he said that it was almost as good as THE best Kennywood on-ride picture ever of Janna and the deodorant model. I still think my favorite is THE INFAMOUS GIGGLE PICTURE.

But can we talk about how the other girl is sitting like this is her senior picture? HOW DOES SHE LOOK SO CALM AND COLLECTED ON THE PHANTOM’S REVENGE? This is some kind of fucking sorcery.

We capped off our first night in Wildwood by closing down the boardwalk. I definitely don’t think we ever did this when I was a kid! I know whenever I say that I’m just going to do a photo dump, I always end up pairing it with 2000 words but I swear I’m going to try and be chill about this. Like, let’s look at some night time pics from a cool ass boardwalk, no big deal.

We have barely been able to enjoy any amusement parks at night this summer, what with how early most places have been closing lately. I guess because of staffing issues. But it really sucks because we live for night rides on coasters! And really just the overall ambiance and bright lights, so it was AMAZING to be here at night. I just wanted to stuff my entire surroundings in a snow globe to keep FOREVER and I do mean that in the creepiest way possible.

I hope I never grow tired of the Musik Express! I love when they also go backward, and this one did! The one at Kennywood doesn’t (at least it didn’t when we were there on Tuesday and now I can’t remember if it ever has!) and that’s lame AF, TBQH.

THE VIBES.

Chooch tries to avoid the camera now and I pretty much fucking hate that. I told him it’s his obligation to pose for pictures since I brought him into this world and I have every parental right to take pictures of him, whether he’s mid-bite of a veggie burger or riding on the fucking Tilt-a-Whirl, say cheese mothercheffer.

Can you tell I was a little obsessed with The Hot Spot??

I wish I knew what happened to Hot Spot B.

Chooch spotting the mozzarella stick pizza which he would (SPOILER ALERT) have for dinner the next day.

‘It’ was the last ride we rode that night, right as everything was shutting down. It was exhilarating! Like my beloved CLAW from the Butler County Fair, but much more scenic and that LIGHTING PACKAGE, oh my lord, I want my house to light up like that (so do my neighbors, I bet).

Chooch should just get a job there.

I’d have grabbed a veggie wiener if they had one.

We got some Curley’s fries before heading out. I’m kicking myself for being so vehement about my dislike of crinkle-cut fries when we were hanging out in Cincinnati with Christina and Katie in July because I have since had NOT ONE BUT TWO great orders of curly fries (one was that very same day, like less than hour after I turned my nose up at the very mention of them lol). Actually, we only stopped here because cry baby Chooch was whining about wanting lemonade and then Henry had the audacity to order fries for himself without consulting with us!

We showed him though because after he came strutting over with “his” fries, I incredulously asked, “Wait, you didn’t get any special sauce?!” So while he was dejectedly ordering a $2.50 tiny container of whatever the special sauce was because god forbid I should just use ketchup after I had already seen SPECIAL SAUCE on the window (I can’t remember what it was called now), Chooch and I scarfed nearly the whole cup of fries. And then when Henry came back and started complaining, we were like, “Well, you should have ordered the bigger size I guess.”

I took this on the way out: LOOK AT THE MOON BEHIND GREAT WHITE.

I almost had over 30,000 steps that day but we didn’t get back to the hotel until after midnight so my stupid Fitbit stopped at 28,000ish for Wednesday and then put the remainder on Thursday, ugh. LOL, what a dumb thing to “ugh” about. But yeah, we went back to the GOLD CREST NOT THE OLYMPIC BECAUSE HENRY IS NOT MY PAPPAP and crashed. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep immediately after getting into bed, worn out probably mostly from all the crying and temper-tantruming I did earlier that day OH THE TRIALS & TRIBS OF ERIN RACHELLE.

I WAS SO STOKED FOR MOREY’S PIERS!! Also, I was super worried that it wouldn’t be a magical as it was when I was a kid and obviously I expected that it wasn’t going to be same because a shit ton of rides are gone (RIP Castle Dracula and Keystone Kops). But it still felt the same in my heart, you guys. It still felt the same. I am crying right now.

This bad boy, The Great White, was built several years after my last visit but honestly it looks like it has been there forever. I was so excited to ride this later!

We started out on Mariner’s Landing, because the other two piers don’t start running their rides until 5pm. Our main focus was to knock out all the coasters while it was still pretty uncrowded to ensure that Chooch would get all  the creds. Luckily, everything was running that day!

LOL our first ride, a stupid SBF Visa spinner. These things are pretty terrible but this one was good because….Wildwood, and also because the ride operator was 1000000% more animated than the one who was running it at Waldameer, PLUS Duran Duran’s “Rio” was playing and the day was beautiful and the ocean was RIGHT THERE and the sea gulls were so cute and everything was fucking perfect.

Actually, let me take a minute here to gush over the impeccable music selection of Morey’s Piers. It was ALL 80s, and not bullshit 80s either, but fucking Depeche Mode, the aforementioned Duran Duran, ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN, Talk Talk (their original version of “It’s My Life” and not the shitty No Doubt cover!!). Two fucking Cure songs!! “Boys Don’t Cry” played when Chooch and I were in the station for the Great Nor’easter, and then later that day, “Friday I’m In Love” was playing as our train was being loaded on The Great White, which was located on a pier that was playing primarily 90s music.

The next night, as Chooch waited in line for a coveted back row night ride on this bad boy, Bush’s “Chemicals Between Us” and Fuel’s “Shimmer” came on and I was nearly openly weeping.

Especially because I had just recently fallen down the Bush nostalgia spiral thanks to the Fear Street movies.

And that Fuel song. Oh god, that Fuel song. That was like my Summer of 1998 but make it a song so that I can lose my mind and cry every time I hear it for the rest of my life while also feeling the uncontrollable need to scream the lyrics until my voice gives out.

And at one point during the day, I am not kidding, Henry and I were walking to the gift shop when suddenly (or, my favorite Korean word: 갑자기) the opening drone of my beloved rollerskating jam, HEART AND SOUL BY T’PAU, sizzled down from the heavens. I grabbed Henry’s arm dramatically and yelled, “STOP. WAIT!” And then pointed up at the sky. When it was clear that Henry had no idea what was going on, I hissed impatiently, “THE SONG?!”

I am 100% sure that he still had no idea what was going on because the song hadn’t even yet fully kicked on and also it was buffeted by screaming sea gulls, the motors of rides in motion, people laughing, modern day boardwalk carnies on loud speakers reeling people in with false promises…my ears are actually super human when it comes to detecting a song beneath layers of miscellaneous cacophony. Henry can never hear the music over the din of talking and silverware scraping plates in restaurants, but I am always ready to scream, “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SONG IS PLAYING.”

Anyway, this Heart and Soul was playing and I had to make Henry sit down a bench with me while I listened to it because I was so obsessed with this jam as a kid that for two years in a row it was my “birthday party song request” at the VIP Roller Rink. It was also one of the first records I bought at National Record Mart and I remember so vividly not knowing who sang it so whoever took me to the mall, probably my mom – I guess I’m not remembering this as vividly as I initially boasted lol – told me to go ask someone to help me so there I was, some idiot elementary school kid probably wearing a corduroy jumper and knee high socks, telling the NRM associate, “I don’t know who sings it but she looks like Tracy Ullmann” BECAUSE I USED TO WATCH THE TRACY ULLMANN SHOW LOL.

It was almost like someone called Morey’s Piers and told them I was coming so that they could play the literal soundtrack to my childhood summers in Wildwood.

Phew. OK now that I got that out of my system, let’s look at some pictures of rides!

Rollie’s Coaster was Chooch’s second credit at Morey’s and it was more fun than we expected! I loved the vintage aesthetics.

The infamous Sea Serpent. I was TERRIFIED of this ride as a kid and never did ride it back then. I was actually kind of dreading this even now because it’s a Vekoma boomerang and I hate boomerangs. They’re usually so painful and kind of worthless!

That guy is totally ranting about how BIGBANG has not yet had a post-military comeback in any capacity.

“I MEAN, CAN G-DRAGON PUT DOWN THE NIKES AND PIC UP A MIC??”

Here’s Chooch and me in the fifth row, I look so thrilled, lol.

OK I’m not just saying this because it’s Wildwood but I really think this was the least worst boomerang I’ve been on. It was surprisingly smooth, but still terrifying.

Also, I didn’t know this until recently, but the Sea Serpent is the very first Vekoma boomerang built in the US! Did I run back in line as soon as I got off? I mean…no. But it was still really satisfying on some nostalgic level to ride this coaster that looms in the background of so many old Wildwood pictures.

Goddamn. Life was really good in that moment, as simple as that sounds.

Chooch and I rode this seagull pedal ride thingie and it was fun but he was pedaling too fast and I was trying to enjoy the scenery.

We had to stop because an actual seagull was on the track!

View of the Great White from my perch on the suspended seagull.

When Chooch wasn’t being summoned by the arcades, he was cruising the piers for carnival games to play. This was definitely his scene.

Henry the Tight Wad got a ticket card and put enough money on it to ride the carousel and Great White, what a Dad.

LOVE THIS NEW ADDITION TO OUR CAROUSELFIE WALL!

Runaway Tram!

WATCH THE TRAM CAR PLEASE. I can’t believe it’s the same recording as it was in the 80s. I can’t even be annoyed about it.

This ride was just the absolute cutest! I think it only opened very recently, like in 2019 or 2020. It’s an adorable addition.

Oh god, an SLC (suspended looping coaster), another of my “favorites.”

Another major plus for Morey’s Piers is: THE RIDE ATTENDANTS AND OPERATORS ARE FUCKING AMAZING. Like, Disney-levels of enthusiasm. They smile and wave as every ride starts and you can’t help but feel inspired/obligated to wave back. Well, unless you’re Henry. And they have a program where students from other countries can work there so you get to interact with people from all over the world and it’s just really cool.

It’s been a long time since I went to Indiana Beach, but from what I remember, they have a similar situation  there too. I remember talking to various ride operators with Eastern European-sounding accents and thinking that was so odd and cool since we were in some remote part of Indiana.

But yeah, everyone we encountered from the rides to the pizza parlors seemed genuinely happy to be there.

Even their Wild Mouse is adorably-themed!

OK so as mentioned earlier, I really miss the old dark rides that used to be so synonymous with Morey’s Piers (was it even called that back when I was a kid?!? I can’t remember! I do know that they had more piers back then, that’s for sure). There are three there currently, but two are closed for the season (because of covid/staffing, I assume). Dante’s Dungeon was open though and it was so good! From the creepy ride operator in a pagan-ish robe who whispered, “Are you ready?” before sending our car into the dungeon to the person who jump-scared us from the shadows on  the other side, this was a dark ride that would make any purist happy. And if you remember, dark rides are really where my heart lies, not coasters. So when we find a place that has a good coaster collection and dark rides? Henry, hold my phone. Mama’s going in.

The last coaster we needed was Great White and I was so stoked for this!

I love a good wooden coaster, and this one is an actual delight. Plus, it goes off the boardwalk and onto the beach. What more can you ask for in a wooden coaster? Of course we didn’t wait for Henry so Chooch and I rode without him, leaving him waiting in the station, lol. We were dying because he ended up having a riding companion – some equally-as-old dude who talked to him the whole way up the lift hill and Henry told him about the trip we were on. Henry said, “he’s an enthusiast, too” as he regaled us with the detail of their convo, and Chooch and I were like, “BUT DID WE ASK.”

After this highly anticipated ride that did not disappoint, we walked back to the GOLD CREST NOT THE OLYMPIC BUT THAT’S OK to rest for a bit and then came back for some night action.

God, I love reliving this but it’s also making me mucho sad-o.