Back at the start of the pandemic, I had somehow come across retrowave playlists on YouTube. Actually, I’m pretty sure the algorithm did its thang and my obsessive listening to the Black Queen organically planted me in the lap of this beautiful synth movement. I tend to not listen to Kpop while I’m working because it distracts me (I will start to try and translate what I’m hearing and then I need to stop what I’m doing to check if I’m correct, or I want to get up and jump around, or I will start daydreaming about Korea, etc etc etc) but there is something magical about retrowave because it’s soothing, nostalgic and it puts me in the right zone for working.

HOWEVER.

I accidentally began to associate this with Drew. I guess it’s natural since she was always with me while I was working, and I’d say things to her like, “OMG IT’S OUR JAM!” and try to make her dance lol.

Some of this stuff hits on a very emotional level to begin with – it itches the nostalgic side of my brain, you know? But, after she died, all of it became like that to me and I have not been able to listen to any of it since then. Which is sad because this was my happy place during the work week. Now, I’ve been struggling to find something else. Norwegian pop. Russian pop. Afrobeats. Romanian Club Hits.

But nothing hits like retrowave.

Then a few months ago, I saw that Ollie Wride was coming to PITTSBURGH on his US tour. Ollie Wride is one of the PRESTIGE singers in this genre. His voice sounds like he’s soundtracked the 80s high school coming-of-age movie from your dreams. He did a song with FM 84 several years ago and that song is basically at the top of the retrowave leaderboard of my heart. Probably the one I have listened to the most, and the first time that I really stopped and started looking more into these singers and bands. I found a version that was recording for a livestream during COVID and at that moment, I swore that I had to see Ollie Wride live if ever presented with the opportunity:

Please watch this and tell me it doesn’t plant you firmly into a pair of Jellies during the spring of 1987.

When I hear this song now though, I imagine Drew here with me, sitting on my work laptop because she liked the warmth. I am so broken over this, just the most pathetic sad sack.

Anyway, my likeminded retrowave friends Shawn and Jess were down to join us at this show so I felt good about it, like this could be a healthy step in the healing process. It’s either face it head-on or keep sitting here crying alone like a fucking maniac.

Shawn and I were dying because the show was held at the Crafthouse, which is a small venue across the street from a bar we used to be regulars at back in the early 00s, plus we were best concert buds back then too so this was such a fun “reliving our youth” moment.

And so, on Sunday evening, Henry and I arrived at the Crafthouse a bit before doors opened because we wanted to secure a good table. However, due to technical issues, the doors were delayed by about 45 minutes. We stood outside with a handful of other early birds and chatted about retrowave, darkwave and then bands I didn’t care about and then A LOT of stuff about the college where three of the people work and that stuff bored me so I lulled off into a happy place in my head – j/k the place in my head was where I retreat so that I can scream into a psychic pillow and start thinking about all the ways my life is being inconvenienced by things not starting on time. This is…who I am, you guys. I am working on it, and will probably talk about it tomorrow in therapy lol.

I do want to put out these things for remembering though:

• one of the guys mentioned Kraftwerk so I RAISED MY HAND and said, “My doorbell plays a Kraftwerk song.” Henry said later, “Yeah, I knew that was coming.”
• someone mentioned king gizzard and the lizard wizard and Henry and I chuckled to ourselves because Chooch likes that band too.
• I got to give The Black Queen a much-deserved promotion and was actually surprised that these guys hadn’t heard of them and simultaneously shocked that I wasn’t mansplained or talked over. The one guy even showed me his phone later and said, “Is this them? Cool, I’m adding them now – thanks!”

Anyway, we finally got to go inside around 6:20. We were in the third group that went in but there were VIPs who were already inside so all the good tables were taken. Then I was like, “NOPE” when we chose a table and a group with A BABY sat down at the next one. I just didn’t want to sit next to a baby, maybe I’M A MONSTER. So, we switched tables and it was much better.

I was excited to drink IPAs, who am I.

We were the coolest table in the house, except for maybe the one table that had a guy wearing a fitted leather jacket with SYNTH RIDER spelled out in studs on the back. I told Henry to get out the Bedazzler and do that to my pleather jacket.

I dunno what to say about my dumb pose other than I had two beers at this point and that is so many beers for me.

Henry went to the bathroom at one point and when he came back, I said I had to go too and asked him where it was. He told me and then said, “And say hello to your friend Bethany on the way there. She’s leaning against the wall.”

“Bethany??” I asked.

“Yeah, she said to me ‘your Erin’s husband Henry, aren’t you?’ and said she recognized me from Instagram.” That’s Henry’s most favorite thing to hear, btw. “Erin’s Instagram.” “Erin’s blog.” LOL.

Anyway, it was my friend Bethany from Balloon Ride Fantasy! I haven’t seen her since pre-pandemic when we met up for Korean food at Nakwon Garden (she used to live in Korea years ago as an English teacher!). She was there for the second opener, Vacances and came over to sit with us for a bit before Ollie Wride and it was so nice to catch up with her!

Speaking of openers, I’m not used to this because kpop concerts don’t have openers and it’s actually…nice lol. But that night, there were two and the other was Caleb Kopta. It was OK. I made eye contact with him a few times and tried to brag that we imprinted.  Henry was like, “That’s nice.” I did really like Vacances though and would be up to see them again since they’re local!

And then it was time for OLLIE WRIDE. “Sorry, Henry,” I said as I bolted for the floor by the stage. Jess quickly joined me and it was so nice to have a friend at a show with me! (Sorry again, Henry lol.)

I just want to say that Ollie Wride’s live vocals are immaculate. The high notes were done HIT, y’all. Sheesh. And the energy he brought onto that stage with him.

This jacket didn’t stay on long!

These pictures are so awkward because I was snapping them while recording but what can you do?! It was also amazing to be AT THE FRONT OF THE STAGE like in my other lifetime of going to shows. I’m always like, “no it’s fine, I don’t mind being back far” but then the show starts and I’m like SEE YA and I run to the front. It’s the FOMO in me, I’m a true Leo. And also not cool enough to just casually slink against a wall in the back and watch while texting. I can’t pull off that amount of effortlessly cool.

I don’t have the set list but I can tell you that he performed Back To Life and that was the first time during the night when I thought to myself, “Am I going to be OK? I’m OK…right?” I mean, I was screaming along and doing when Henry called my “happy sort of dance thing” because apparently, he was spying on me from the table like a creeper. And I can tell you for certain that I was very happy that night. Henry wasn’t being dumb, we had good beer, I was with two of my amazing friends, saw another friend….talked to strangers, even! If I can only make this a habit, maybe I’d feel less lonely on every other day.

Earlier in the night, I had made an offhanded remark about how I’m not outgoing and Jess stopped me.

“Yes, you are,” she said firmly.

“No, I’m not really,” I said, face scrunched.

“You are definitely outgoing, come on!” she argued. And you know what? I am fucking outgoing. I just let situations and people stifle me and I think it’s because I’m just too tired to fight it. But Jess is right, at my core, I am an extrovert and I am going to work on making that dominant trait again. (I’m also very obnoxious too which goes hand-in-hand with me being an extrovert so toning that down is a bridge I’ll cross when I get to it I guess.)

OK, the last song was, of course, Running In the Night which is when I did fully break. This fucking song.

I would have paid so much more just to hear this one song. But the entire night was so sublime. He performed Victoria too! And his band was incredible to watch, too. This night. Man.

We rejoined Henry at our table afterward. Most of the crowd had cleared out but we stayed and chatted some more, no one in any hurry to leave.

“Hey, there’s Ollie!” Shawn pointed over my shoulder, where Ollie was one table away with a tiny group of people. “He’s signing stuff! Go ask him to sign your record!” he urged. I didn’t even hesitate. I grabbed my record, purchased as soon as we arrived because I do not wait for merch, and waited my turn.

“What’s your name?” Ollie asked me when it was my turn.

“Erin,” I said, and then, “Can I tell you something weird?”

“Sure!” he said as he was signing my record.

“I associate your music with my cat,” I started, to which he said, “Oh, I have animals, too.”

“She died.”

He stopped signing.

“And tonight was really healing for me. Thank you,” I said as I was on the verge of tears all over again.

And he fucking hugged me.

“You got an Ollie Wride hug!” Shawn squealed (lol) when I came back to the table! And apparently, I hadn’t stopped recording after the last song, so there is a 20 minute long video of the ceiling of the Crafthouse with us chatting post-show. Sadly, I was a bit out of range for my phone to pick up my convo with Ollie but you can hear a hushed, “Aw!” from my table when he hugged me.

Unfortunately, you can also hear how fucking annoying I am talking about kpop scandals for 10 minutes straight but whatever – I’ll be keeping that ceiling rafter video for posterity!

I know everyone is so sick of hearing my cry and lament about my dead cat but I am really trying here. Tonight was a big step for me. I feel so emotional but in a good way because not only did I get to spend time with good friends, but I got to catch up with Bethany and also experience the fantastic Ollie Wride as the cherry on top. I’m really glad I didn’t pass this up. When I saw ten tour announcement last summer, I was scared because of what retro wave has become to me, but – safety in numbers. And I needed to rip the Band-Aid off so I can eventually go back to enjoying this amazing genre of music that used to be such a comfort to me.

And then maybe this can happen:

OK BYE I’M CRYING LOL.

I stayed up until midnight for G-Dragon’s new album drop – there are two MVs and I am fucking dead. “Drama” – are you fucking kidding, Jiyong? Chills, goosebumps, feels, etc etc. I am feeling this in MY BLOODSTREAM. “Untitled 2025” for real.

AND THEN THIS BANGER?! Anderson . Paak AND Karina?? Karina who once got to dance with Taemin and now GD? But also Karina who is a brilliant idol in her own right?! I can’t believe this. We have waited so long for Korea’s King to return and it was worth it, he delivered, he has STILL GOT IT. No one does it like G-Dragon.

HOW AM I GOING TO SLEEP NOW!!!????

Hey it’s Sunday. I feel OK. Henry just brought back a chocolate chip cookie and a chocolate cupcake to share from Potomac Station and that has perked me up. Sometimes, the body just really wants sugar, you know?

In other weekend news, I was supposed to have brunch at Lola’s with Mar, Debby, Megan, and Jill yesterday but when I got there the hostess said, to my utter non-shock, that it would be an hour wait. I get why some places don’t take reservations (I guess?) but it’s still annoying. When I walked back out, Marlene had just arrived so she honked and I jumped in her car to tell her the bad news. Then Debby arrived and got in the backseat while we decided on a backup plan – I suggested just going down the street to the Abbey but then we had to get a hold of Jill and Megan and I don’t know why but this was so stupidly hilarious to me. Jill ended up texting me at that exact moment to say she was running late and I was like Oh thank god because I only had her work email!?

Anyway, Mar left her car behind and rode with me down to the Abbey while Debby waited behind for Megan who was en route in an Uber. It’s a good thing that Mar rode with me though because once we walked inside the Abbey she was like, “Hmmm, maybe I haven’t been here before?!” and then the more she kept talking about the place she thought we were going, I said, “Mar, are you thinking of Church Brew Works?” and yes, yes she was. That’s exactly where she would have been headed if she hadn’t come with me, lol.

I was happy to sit inside. The last several times I have been to the Abbey, I’ve been with people who wanted to sit outside and look, the Abbey is an old funeral home – you want to be sitting INSIDE. All the vibes are INDOORS. But, I digress.

It was a nice time. I still feel like a shell of myself when I’m with a group of people and didn’t talk much, and then I felt like when I was talking, I was just being annoying, but that’s a me problem and we’re working on it. I just really didn’t want to talk about work and it always ends up going there.

I’m always so happy and excited to be meeting up with friends but then I focus on the tiniest things and flip them into something negative. And then I have myself convinced that some people don’t like me and I will spend days and nights dwelling on that. It is one of my toxic traits, of which I have many.

Like for instance, when we were ready to order, I asked the server if we could have separate checks and I felt immediately tacky for making the request especially based on the server’s and some others’ reactions and I tried to explain that we were recently out with Pam and her friend Greg and didn’t ask for separate checks until the end and the server literally yelled at us and I have been scarred ever since but no one was listening to me at that point because I never have anything valuable to say so I just shut up, lol. Story of my life.

But this is a thing that no one else probably thought about again after leaving yet here I am, a day later, crying about it on my bitch baby blog. I think one of the reasons that I have been feeling like I can’t be myself is that whenever I *am* myself, I am hyper-aware of how immature/weird/obnoxious I am coming across so I am trying to subconsciously not be like that by walling myself up? How am I middle-aged and still having these idiotic struggles? I really can’t stand myself. When is therapy going to fix me lol.

Then I came home and Henry, the One Man Kpop Street Team Operation, was hard at work on the NCT pins we’re making for the upcoming concert and that made me happy.

<3

Then we went for a walk at Jefferson Memorial where I once again started nagging him about getting our burial plots bought.

Then I had this B I G S A L A D for dinner and it was so good!

We spent the rest of the evening watching Seventeen vlogs and drinking BEER even though I am getting so fat due to my new beer hobby. (I usually only drink the equivalent of 1.5 beers on the weekend nights but I am such a lightweight that it feels like so much more!)

And then I saved one of my old Gmail addresses from being deleted, whew. I might need to use this one day!!

Well, that’s all for me. Nothing exciting has happened today aside from squirrel visits. But we are meeting up with Shawn and Jess tonight at the Crafthouse for a show so I’m really stoked for that because I haven’t seen them since last June!!

I am still collecting my thoughts on the Taemin concert so I can spew them all over this page like pea soup from Regan’s mouth but I wanted to post this picture that Henry took of me pre-concert in our hotel room with the Chicago Theater behind me because I never want to forget how I felt in that moment: the pre-concert jitters but also pure happiness and that has been such a rare feeling for me lately. I mean, look at all the whining I do here weekly – you know!

But sheesh – not only did it feel so good to be out and about after being sick, but I just FELT good too. I wasn’t worried about how I looked. I wasn’t depriving myself of food that day. I had some beer! I was..living. To put it bluntly. Living.

It was so cold that night in Chicago but I felt sincerely warm.

I still can’t believe we saw THEE 이 태민. Grateful for the opportunity and privilege to make the trek to Chicago for this beautiful, special, majestic night under the same roof as the most ethereal dancer and angelic singer I have ever known in my lifetime

My Pappap’s death defined me for YEARS. It happened so abruptly, a few short hours after I had just left his house where he had been sitting on his worn spot of the couch, watching TV and making work calls. Business as usual.

Then BAM – he was gone. Aneurysm. Didn’t even make it to the hospital.

I don’t want to say I’m over it but you know, almost 30 years later and I think it’s safe to say that I can look at photos of him and feel joy rather than grief. Because he was the greatest man I have known and loved. The father I didn’t have. My safe space.

These things are being rehashed in therapy. I didn’t realize how much unprocessed trauma I have in relation to his death. The residual grief that rears its head in odd places and times. Drew’s death over the summer was so similar to his and it opened something inside of me and now I have been grieving them both this whole time, trying to make sense of it. My Pappap’s untimely death was the #1 worst thing that ever happened to me, hands down, no contest. And Drew’s death is a close second. Maybe that will help illustrate why I have been such a shell of myself this last months. The triggers have been so real.

He was the only one in my family who ever showed me true unconditional love. He’s the reason why when I think of my childhood, I feel like I’m bursting with happiness and not dwelling on the bad things that were happening at my own house where I felt like an intruder, like I didn’t belong. I never felt like that at my Pappap’s. Which is why his house is my “happy place” that I think of to calm down when we’re doing EMDR in therapy. Except that after he died, my grandma and Sharon slowly ruined that for me.

If there is one thing I wish, it’s that he and Chooch would have had a chance to know each other. “If you think I was spoiled, I guarantee it would have been next level with Chooch and my Pappap,” I said to Henry, who mono-grunted in response.

He did everything for me, and gave everything to me.

When he died, NO ONE WOULD TALK ABOUT IT. I was dying on the inside. I needed my family more than anything then and everyone just shut down. Nothing was ever the same again and I am not being dramatic. You want to talk about an empire falling. This was exactly that. My family never bounced back. I have like, no relationship with any of them except for my brother Corey. It is so fucking sad.

While today is the anniversary of his death, I’m not sad per se. I mean, I shed a few quiet tears, but I think I am just more….introspective today. Just thinking about everything he taught me, how he was actually my saving grace, my role model, and the type of selfless and giving person that I still aspire to me. I hope that one day, I can be that for someone. (CHOOCH PLEASE GIVE ME GRANDKIDS SOME DAY, I WANT TO HAVE THAT CHANCE.)

This guy was literally the glue that held us together. He gave me such a strong love for travel, too and the desire to do everything possible to give Chooch experiences as he was growing up.

He wasn’t even ashamed of me when I got fat, braces, and fugly-ass bangs!

You know, another thing is that my Pappap was a very wealthy business owner so I had a very comfortable childhood and we all enjoyed a rich lifestyle up until he died, when money was mishandled, the business ran into the ground. But because of how he raised me, I was able to go my own way and live my own life without handouts. Henry and I struggled financially for YEARS but we worked hard, paid off debts, tried (still trying) to be smart(er) with our finances and while we aren’t rich and will likely never be higher than middle class, I appreciate everything that we have earned over the years and I get those values from my Pappap. I bounced back when the only other option was to do nothing and sink. I have been really sitting with these thoughts a lot lately, I guess it’s that season of life, and more than ever do I appreciate everything I learned from my Pappap. I don’t take things for granted, I didn’t stay spoiled (well….lol), and I don’t expect ANYONE to do anything for me. I have strong work ethics and I take pride in my work.

Because of my Pappap. The greatest man I have ever known.

Hey. I started off the new year pretty strong. Let’s recap SHALL WE.

1. Parasol Against the Axe by Helen Oyeyemi

This wasn’t my FAVE Oyeyemi book but it was still brilliant enough to keep her firmly planted at the top of my favorite author list. I don’t know how she writes these things, they are so quirky, smart, brain-bending, full of WTF. This is a weird one because I love her bizarre and insane writing style so much but there was a book-within-the-book going on here and I didn’t like those parts at all. But the present-day narrative was chef’s kiss – unhinged, smart, and thoroughly confusing as always.

There was a line that went like “my skull was full of souffle” and that is exactly how this book (any of her books!) made me feel, like CrossFit for the brain.  You gotta be prepared to put in the work, this book isn’t going to read itself to you.

2. High Fidelity by Nick Hornby

I mean, you know this book, or the movie, or the TV show. It was a solid read.

3. How to Kill Men and Get Away With It by Katy Brent

This was fun, especially if you hate men and believe me, I do. But it also wasn’t very unique or revolutionary. I have read better “female serial killer” books but this one was still a fun and quick read.

4. Howl’s Moving Castle (Howl’s Moving Castle, #1) by Diana Wynne Jones

I mean I must be broken because I only thought this was just OK and there is an entire sector of society out there who probably want to string me up for not having a glowing review.

I tried reading this years ago and was bored. Then this time around, I listened to the audio and was still not entertained. I will say though that I have NOT watched the animated film adaptation but it’s Japanese so already I feel like it’s gotta be better than the book.

5. The Reappearance of Rachel Price by Holly Jackson

Actually kind of wild for a YA mystery. I didn’t LOVE it, but it was like, the fuck is going on this is so far-fetched, what??

6. Love Interest by Clare Gilmore

OK so hear me out. The man character was Korean American so there would be like, Korean words and references thrown about here and there which makes me hope that the author either has a vested interest in Korea or has some relation to Korea so I will give her that but the narrator was BOTCHING it up big time. I was cringing every time she fuck up a Korean word like it was his first run-through, no going back.

Also, she pronounced subsidiary as “SUB-si-dairy” instead of “sub-SID-iary” which got under my skin because in my job, we were talking about subs A LOT and everyone uses the latter pronunciation.

Also x2 this book was just boring and I was not having any feels whatsoever.

7. Shiver: Selected Stories by Junji Ito

HELL YEAH. This has been on my TBR for years and I finally picked it up from the library. I loved almost every story, they were so creepy and affective, but “greased” seriously almost made me throw up it was so disgusting. I loved it.

8. Graveyard Shift by M.L. Rio

No. This was just bad. Worse than mid.

9. The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley

OK I enjoyed this way more than I thought I would being sci-fi adjacent I guess and while it remains true that as with most books in that genre, I oftentimes had NO IDEA what was going on, I genuinely loved the characters, their development, their relationships. It was a wild and inventive premise too, Bill & Ted’ish in that random people from the past are brought to the present day. Hilarity ensues.

10. Bottled Goods by Sophie van Llewyn

We are planning a Romania trip later this summer (this is pathetic but we can’t officially book our flight until I know when G-Dragon is touring the US lol) so I have been trying to add some Romanian novels to my TBR to help aid me in getting stoked. I LOVED THIS ONE. It had a bit of magical realism in it but mostly portrayed life in Communist Romania which I admittedly do not know much about so it provided a great historical bent as well.

I really enjoyed this one!

11. Sky Full of Elephants by Cebo Campbell

OK wow another sci fi, who is she. Anyway, this was fascinating – one day, almost all of the white people walk to the nearest body of water and drown themselves and now POC are running a post-racial America. There aren’t any zombies in this but it did give me some The Walking Dead vibes where you have a group of people trying to get to “the Kingdom.”

I really enjoyed this but I couldn’t stand the main character’s 19yo daughter. She was such a fucking brat and her chapters were a drag.

12.Things Don’t Break on Their Own by Sarah Easter Collins

My friend Lindsey recommended this one to me and it was a solid 5 stars, brother. The mystery / thriller element was such a page-turner but the characters. Robyn’s parents. The old lady in the house. The shit Willa endured. The HOLY SHIT moment at the dinner party. This book was so rich with trauma and palpable pain, but also so much love between friends. I loved it so much, every page of it.

13. The Pairing by Casey McQuiston

But then I read this next and it was sooooo bad. I have loved her books in the past but this was just actual trash and I did not care about either person. The European food tour aspect of it wasn’t even enough to redeem it – usually books like that will poke at my wanderlust and it will make the rest of the shit tolerable but this was, as I said, trash. I didn’t care why these people broke up and I didn’t care if they were going to get back together. In fact, I was kind of hoping they would both die. At least Theo. I hated them so much. Wah wah wah.

14. The Third Gilmore Girl by Kelly Bishop

I mean…come on. It’s Kelly freaking Bishop. I admittedly did not know much about her outside of the Gilmore Girls realm but wow has she lived a life. I love memoirs.

*****************

OK bye for now!

You guys, we were staying right down the street from the Bean and even though we have seen it several times before I thought that maybe, on a frigid Monday morning, there might not be crowds so we walked on over.

Had we been ONE MINUTE FASTER we’d have beaten this one couple who arrived seconds before us and proceeded to do an entire amateur photoshoot and I was trying to be polite and not get in their way but also, COME ON.

We stayed to the side for awhile and then finally when they were, readjusting or something, regrouping, discussing the next series of poses, who the fuck knows, I ran over and was able to have Henry take one picture of me quickly.

We were going to leave after that but I was like NO I WANT ONE TOGETHER THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

So I interrupted them and asked if they would take one of us together. The lady of the couple agreed and proceeded to take some very bizarre and unpopular angles, not once getting the whole Bean, and then I had to crop her fingers out of every shot.

Also, she somehow TURNED OFF LIVE so our “jumping shot” looks like this:

But whatever, I can’t complain too much because it was a nice to experience the Bean without throngs of people duck-facing it up.

She did take this “behind the scenes” video though so I guess there’s that lol.

Now my toes are frozen and we’re on our way home. I miss Taemin with my whole fucking heart in case you were wondering.

7:03am: Wow hopefully my first non-whiny woe is me blog post in quite some time will be playing out today because we are officially on our way to Chicago to see Taemin!! I am sitting upright, in a car, outside of the house! I’m wearing makeup! My hair is done!

SHE’S ALIVE.

I did bring a mask to wear tonight though because I still have a slight cough and I really don’t want to chance spreading this amongst my fellow Taemates.

Anyway, on Friday at work Sue sent me that picture of Taemin and I thought it was so sweet of her, it made me giggle because 45 year old women can still giggle stop trying to suppress our joy. God.

7:44am: I just ate a tropical fruit cup from Sheetz, and a protein bar. This is the most nurishment I’ve had in a week. I feel so powerful. It was also super weird walking into a store after being a sick person shut-in for a week and a half.

Super M bag full of Taemin freebies! I’m so excited to pass these out! Been going to kpop concerts once 2017 but this is baby’s first freebie participation event.

9:42am: somewhere in Ohio, gross:

Not much is going on. Listening to Taemin and reading “The Trunk” a Korean novel. It was adapted into a kdrama on Netflix and I wanted to read the book first before watching it.

11:20am: we are STILL in Ohio because the snowstorm had us doing a steady 40MPH so we’ve made no progress. But it’s given me lots of time to reminisce about my years as a Taemin fan and one of my favorite/dumbest memories is from when we landed in Korea in 2019 and my literal first order of business was to find the Taemin birthday billboard in the Hongdae subway (hats off to my friend Jiyong for finding out its general vicinity for us beforehand!). We were all jet lagged and exhausted but I was like NO MUST KEEP LOOKING until we finally found it and then I made Chooch stand in front of it which pissed him off because “girls were walking by” lol.

12:34pm: Chooch waited until just now to ask me if I have any recent pictures of him he can use for LinkedIn “wearing business casual or something”. Um excuse me would he like me to photoshop him into a sweater or something because why would I have a picture of him like that when he refuses to wear anything nice?

I asked him if we could just take some shots when he comes home next month for spring break and he goes ITS DUE TODAY LOL.

Jesus Christ. I told him to just borrow a button down from a friend and get a girl to take his picture because I cannot help him when I’m in a car in Indiana. (Are we in Indiana yet???)

1:11pm: I always guess the same person first on Spotle everyday and today it was finally that person so I got it in one guess and Chooch, surly in Philly, said, “wow ur so cool.”

1:46pm: Ugh we just stopped at some disgusting 7-Eleven that had next to no veg options, got disgusting cornbread as a confession and immediately passed it off to Henry because NOT WORTH IT. The biscuit from whatever “Roost” is was disgusting too. The guy working there had to go in the. Ack to get me butter and when he came out the swinging door hit him in the stomach and he was soooo dramatic about it, leaning against the counter, hugging himself, repeating “the door hit my stomach ow” several times and I said, “oh no, aw” to him and then whispered to Henry, “does he want me to rub it for him or what??!”

Anyways fuck American 7/11 honestly. It’s such a great example of how LESSER THAN America is to other countries just based on convenience stores alone. I could have dined heartily if this was a Korean or Japanese 7-Eleven but go off with your nasty ass taquitos, US 7-Eleven. Barfarama.

I even started to loudly complain about how IF U DONT EAT MEAT, YOURE LESSER THAN and Henry was like, “Well yeah, in Indiana at least.”

Ugh don’t defend 7-Eleven, CarnivorHank.

2:49pm: Just left HMart with food and beer praise be. Checking into our hotel in a few minutes and mukbangging our faces off.

3;31pm: WE CAN SEE IT FROM THE HOTEL WINDOW.

Adding candy!

You guys. This place is adorable.

Free cookie during “pineapple hours!”

Also here’s the beer lineup we procured at HMart. I’m obsessed with the Gumiho IPA ever since we got some for Chingumas and was so happy to see them at this HMart!

You guys I am sooo ready. Also excited to go downstairs in a bit and get our free beers because Henry is a VIP somehow.

4:39pm: I had this when we were in Chicago for Riot Fest in 2023 and FUCKING HATED IT. I guess my palate has been conditioned because now I find it to be quite delightful.

Also!

5:08pm: there are people behind us at a table not from America talking about how fucked America is and I want to go sit with them and ask them to take me home with them.

7:08pm: Hey I’m posting this now because we’re inside the theater and it starts in like 29 minutes so ciao ciao for now now.

I was telling my therapist last week that I keep finding myself in this mortality spiral where I sit on the couch and my life flashes before my eyes like one of those stupid flip-page illustration books but it’s mostly my time as a mom, Chooch through the years, Bambi and then no more Bambi, and I start to panic about how time is just fucking Days of Our Lives’ing through my fingers and how much time do I have left with Henry and will Chooch have a happy life on his own without us and before I know it, I can’t breathe and I’m so sad that it’s crippling. Like right now I’m typing this and just flat out ugly-crying and choking on mucus, it’s fucking pathetic. I know that, to an extent, this is normal. It’s like a rite of passage for moms, right? I guess some of the more emotionally attuned dads too.

But I feel so stuck on a loop and like instead of enjoying whatever time I have left, I’m wasting it by wondering HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE LEFT.

The other day, I was looking out of the backporch windows at the crows and the squirrels and even though it’s so gross and cold out, there was some crazy split-second glimmer of a vibe, an essence in the air, that made the thought “spring will be here soon” ticker across my stupid brain, and then I BURST INTO TEARS. Thinking about a spring without Chooch. Opening up the backporch for just one cat, not two. Probably having even more gray hair. Henry limping. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. WE ARE ALL SO OLD.

(OMG if you could see how hard I am crying right now, I actually just took a step outside of my body and am cracking up at how fucking hysterical I am being. Do I need drugs?! WHAT DO I NEED.)

(THIS HAS GOT TO BE A MIDLIFE CRISIS.)

I just finished this one book that I had mixed feelings on for almost the whole thing until the very end when it just BLASTED me with grief and emotions, a mom at her son’s wedding, not knowing her husband would die in a handful of years, adjusting to life alone, etc etc and I was like SCREAMING INTERNALLY while giving my eyeballs full reign to just dump the tears out, who cares anymore. If you ever see me and I’m NOT crying at this point in my life, check my pulse because I might be dead.

I miss having Chooch around so much, yes we text every day and yes he still annoys me with his random displays of incompetency and his frustrating, surly one-word answers. But then he will open up about life in Philly and allow me tiny glimpses and I am like I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and then I feel so happy but also somehow more sad.

Yesterday in group chat, some people were sharing photos of their babies and grandbabies for Valentine’s Day and I was so bereft that I no longer fit into these conversations, being in some cold, parental limbo. I had nothing to contribute and then it made me remember this old Valentine’s picture of Chooch and I was too sad to share it then but I will share it now because I miss having a baby. I just miss HIM as a baby.

:( 2008

In an overwhelming fit of “I NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO SHOW HIM I LOVE HIM” I sent Chooch a Saxby gift card for Valentine’s Day, for which he thanked me (even used an exclamation mark!) and then promptly bought his coffee with Henry’s debit card, lol. Little signs of “some things will never change” and I am grateful for that.

I finished the aforementioned book this afternoon and left the house for the first time in over week, finally feeling better, to walk it back to the library. On my way there, the Las Palmas taco cart was BLASTING Alphaville’s “Forever Young” and I actually laughed out loud, more like a sarcastic bark though, at the universe’s sick, totally on-the-nose joke. Really? THAT song? I had to pause before entering the library because I could feel my eyes started to sear with sorrow AGAIN. I am basically just walking around like an unhinged woman on the edge these days, it’s so pathetic. Can I go one day without crying, please.

My therapist told me to start writing this stuff down and I guess that’s what this blog is now, a page for FEELINGS AND CHAOS. It’s so annoying. I’M so annoying. Hopefully one day I will reenter the land of the living. Because whatever this is, it AIN’T IT.

The other day in group chat, I had a long-dormant memory unlocked when the subject of Girl Scout Cookie sales came up, and then Navanny shared with us that he funded his high school trip to NY by selling $1500 worth of full-sized candy bars.

It was at this moment that pea-brain sprung to life and began churning. Now, I don’t remember exact details and I think I actually gave false info to group chat when I was first regaling them with my triggered memory, but when I was in 1oth grade, I had lofty entrepreneurial aspirations and when a building down the street went up for sale, my immediate thought as a 15-year-old high school student was to buy it and turn it into a cafe.

I told group chat that it was a pizza place that had closed and went up for sale, but now that I’m thinking of this, it can’t be true because I’m pretty sure that pizza place didn’t close until much later, so it must have been something attached to it, or next to it. I think it’s a salon now, actually.

ANYWAY-V, all I remember next is finding a local candy shop that had agreed to give (???) me a bunch of chocolate roses for me to sell as a fundraiser. GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT I TOLD THESE PEOPLE I WAS RAISING MONEY FOR.

So many questions.

Like, did I just cold call these people? Or were they advertising that their edible wares were available for fundraisers? How did I get them? Did Lisa drive me to pick it up?? I vaguely remember this being on the South Side and, being “edgy kids,” Lisa and I did hang out there quite often so maybe I saw a sign in their window?!

But still, did they just GIVE THIS TO ME?

Hilarious also that I thought, thanks to my slippery grasp* on the American dollar, that I would be able to sell like 100 pieces of chocolate and then suddenly have enough money to buy/rent a commercial building.

*(Henry wants to point out that my grasp is still just as lubricated in the present day.)

Some other spotty pieces to this story include me getting “in trouble” for soliciting my non-school sanctioned fundraising wares on school grounds. I feel like my friend Shawn Steele bought one for sure because he always did what I told him, and maybe my other friend V who did not grow up to become a member of BTS, sorry. But other than that, who knows who was buying these from me. Apparently, not enough people because the other spotty bits coming back to me involve the candy place being like HELLO KNOCK KNOCK OUR CUT IS WHERE? and my Pappap having to pay them the difference.

You would think that this would be the part of the story where I got grounded or had a “value of the dollar” lesson, but no. I never suffered the consequences back then and just went back to my old tried-and-true: inflating the cost of school lunch and then only buying a Zebra Cake and iced tea, and pocketing the rest of my Pappap’s change.

(When I told Henry this, he was like, “Do you really think your Pappap thought school lunch was that much money and wasn’t, you know, just GIVING YOU the extra money??” But I mean, when he puts it like that, it makes me look less lucrative and savvy.)

Obviously I never opened my own cafe at the tender age of 15 but I will tell you that that area is still, to this day, severely lacking in cafes!!! There is a Starbucks, a Coffee Tree Roasters, and several Dunkins. No Erin-branded cafes. I probably spent all that money on CDs, lol.

What would I even have called my cafe, back then, I wonder? In 10th grade, I was super into gangsta rap and Bone Thugs n Harmony. Mo’ Murda, Mo Mocha? Puttin’ the CAP in Cappucino? Cafe Crossroads?

Ugh, I don’t have the energy for this.

• I’m still alive. I know you were wondering (lol). But sincerely this is the sickest I’ve been in years. My fever finally broke on Monday (or maybe yesterday) and I still felt not right but had enough energy for the first time in days to at least do Pilates that night. And I started up until midnight! I had been asleep by 9 for the last several days.

• But then yesterday afternoon, a new development arose where I felt suddenly like I was at sea. It was so bad that I logged off word an hour early and you know it’s dire when I wave the flag at work. I never actually threw up but I felt green and curled up like a shivering shrimp on the couch. Henry had run out to the store before this and was like “Jesus” when he came home and saw me down for the count.
• I can’t get rid of bullet points.
• All I wanted to eat for dinner was pizza from the freezer section of a grocery store. It was all I could stomach or even think about without hiccuping bile.
• Today all I wanted was a brownie.
• Anyway, here is a picture of my Pappap’s house in springtime which is my happy place and boy do I ever need a happy place right now.

• Finished “We Could Be Rats” on audio in nearly one day
• Pressed my forehead to the ice cold glass of the front door while sighing, “ahhhh.”
• Ate lots of sugar. My sick body wants sugar, my sick body gets sugar.
• Threw some of the cookies Henry brought home for me back at him while shouting DISGUSTING!!!! Because am I direct conduit for the DEVIL when I’m sick.
• Watched a bunch of AP Bio and then erupted into coughing fits while laughing.
• Created an account on a global penpal site so I can find Romanian penpals.
• Questioned why I still have a fever after three days and then told Henry to “STFU dork” when he tried to mansplain health class to me.
• Forced myself to still get 10000 everyday while shuffling in place with a blanket over my head with Henry in the other room yelling at me to SIT DOWN.
• Told Chooch I have a fever. “That sucks,” he replied which is actually a lot more caring than I what I expected from him.
• Got Henry sick.
• Had insane fever dreams featuring Robin Scherbatsky and a bleeding sky and of course both my mom’s house and pappap’s house.
• Not cared about the Super Bowl even once.
• Watched old episodes of Going Seventeen and let it lull me to sleep because I guess these are what I would consider my comfort rewatches.
• Argued with henry over who is sicker and accused him of copying me.

• Remembered that I never jotted down my thoughts of breakfast last weekend with Pam. We went to the old Tom’s Diner, recently reborn as SPARKIES and I have to tell you, it did not inspire the SPARKIES within me. First of all, they did a dastardly thing by shitting their faux-rustic decor all over what was once an authentic 50s diner aesthetic. It felt jarring from the get-go, drab and bleak. I fucking hate that putrid olive color on the walls. Our server was militant and lacked personality – she made me so uncomfy and I kept profusely thanking her because she made me feel like we were impeding upon her time. The menu was stupid and expensive. I had the GREASIEST omelet of my life served with a side of burnt and dry home fries. There was supposed to be feta in my omelet bug it was clumped together in one small section which I never made it to because the grease was making me queasy so Henry ate my leftovers later that day – also got sick – and said “oh wow all of the feta is right here”. The rye toast was very good though. I will likely never go back so don’t ask me to meet you there.
• Had another coughing fit because Henry is making more Taemin pins as I type this and now the house reeks of cooked shrinky dink.
• Watched lots of Romania content on YouTube. My tax refund is burning a hole in my savings account as we try to figure out travel dates. I hope I’m not jinxing anything because I have wanted to go to Romania for like 20 years and it would be so magical to have our “honeymoon” there. (Honeymoon lol.)

• watching Henry working very diligently.

You guys I need to sign off now. I want to stick my head in a vat of Vick’s Vaporub. My lungs are craving that sweet ass eucalyptus burn.

UPDATE: Henry thinks he’s so cool because he has a fever now too (mine broke at one point today but don’t worry – I’m back in feverish action) so are now competing to see who’s is higher and I beat him by .2 degrees!!! 101.8 to 101.6 boiiiiiii.

I managed to avoid contracting any of the flus or other bugs going around for quite some time but my luck has officially run out. I’ve been sick since Thursday and just dealing with it – I work from home so it’s whatever bug Henry took my temp last night and it was 103 lol. Oops.

I was hoping I would be all better today but it’s been bouncing between 102 and 103 all day and I can’t stop hacking.

I’m really nervous about this because the Taemin concert is next Sunday. Hopefully I will be back to 100% by then but sometimes these coughs can linger and I do not want to be dry-coughing while beautiful Taemin is on stage being beautiful.

We made a bunch of pins to pass out as freebies and I fucking swear to god if I’m not feeling up to it I will cry (as will Henry because you know I delegated this project to him. Crafting makes me tired! I’m the idea person. He’s the implementer. That’s why we make such a great team lol!).

Also, I haven’t painted my nails since November. That’s how you know I am deeply depressed.

Ok I’m going to go now and continue coughing my face off while simultaneously grasping my lower back and saying, “ow” in the voice of a dying horse.

never forget that I was already on to him and have felt that he was a shitty person for yearsI wanted to get out of the house on Saturday and into the actual sunshine if you can believe the sun was shining in January.

(Lol came here a day later to say it was actually February now that I think about it! Calendars are cool.)

It was pretty cold – for a while we didn’t see any other walkers and it was kind of creepy. Not to mention icy. Dangerously so. I kept hoping Henry would fall hahaha.

This place is actually quite boring if you ask me BUT it’s dear to my heart because this is where the infamous VAMPIRE THING happened which I kept referencing that day and Henry was getting so annoyed and then after I called him a cunt for the 87th time, threatened to push me into the frozen lake.

We both said simultaneously that that kid in a hoodie and shorts reminded us of Chooch. :(

I was talking about how disgusting it is that people actually go out on frozen lakes to fish. “How do they know the ice won’t crack??” I cried and Henry was like, “Well, considering there’s a big crack right there, I wouldn’t go near it” and for some reason this was so funny to me, Henry being an ice crack inspector suddenly.

GOSH WHAT CAN’T THAT MAN DO.

#eyeroll

Sickening.

Anyway, that’s all that really happened. We just ranted about Trump and I probably also threw in some Blake Lively hate because I AM OBSESSED with following all of the It Ends With Us legal drama ever since it started, being a Forever Anti. I stand by the fact that she was THE WORST part of Gossip Girl – insufferable, untalented, had the most boring scenes. And I am LOVING the fact that her precious husband RYAN REYNOLDS is now showing his true colors to the rest of the world and never forget that I was already on to him and have felt that he was a shitty person for years, thank you very much. I hope they both just go away.

Um, what else. Then we went to Sheetz so I could get a hot bev because that area doesn’t believe in cafes I guess, and then we stopped at some place called AUGGIE’S BEER WAREHOUSE where I got a 4-pack of a Voodoo IPA that was on sale for $12.99 but the guy rang it up as $26 or something and Henry just…paid it? Without question?

I was like, in my best non-Karen voice, “Um, excuse me but I think that it was marked down to $12.99” and the guy immediately saw that I was correct (it wasn’t his fault anyway – he scanned the barcode and didn’t see the BLACK ON BLACK MARKER that had the sale price written on it. So, he refunded us and I made some lame joke about I WAS GONNA SAY, WOW THAT’S SOME OUTRAGEOUS TAX HAHAHA ugh to really try to diffuse any lingering scent of KAREN that might have been hanging in the air. When we got to the car though I was like WOW YOU WERE REALLY JUST GOING TO PAY DOUBLE AND TAKE IT!

And Henry was all, “I wasn’t paying attention…”

Oh, even better. Glad I was there to be his shopping advocate?!

But yo, this is one of my new faves and I would gladly go back and pay full price for another 4-pack!

Well, that’s all I have for now. I had to reschedule my therapy to today because I was asked to come into the office yesterday for this crazy long and intense meeting that I was very appreciative of being included in but between that, a work post-holiday get together at a bar on Mt Washington, and then an EMDR session today, I am so wiped out. My therapist knows me so well now and when I was telling her about yesterday, she was like, “Oh wow, that is A LOT for you, that’s really an atypical day” and I was like, “YOU KNOW THAT’S RIGHT.” More on all of that later, it was actually a good day just overwhelming, and I have to cuddle with Peenlop now.

Today I am going to talk about some of my latest obsessions because if there is one thing synonymous with Erin Rachelle Kelly it’s “obsessions.”

1. Marching band jackets

G-Dragon recently performed at Taeyang’s concert in Korea and he was wearing this DARLING and REGAL cropped  marching band-esque jacket which probably cost something akin to a down payment on a house.

So, I started searching eBay for marching band jackets which sent me on a spiral Saturday night.

I found one from some high school in California that is also apparently RON HOWARD’S alma mater, I guess. I said the size out loud which was very foreign to me (36L).

“Is that a big size?” Henry asked.

“I dunno! I wasn’t in band. Well, I was but I quit before I got that far because I chose tennis. Which I also quit. Because all I do is quit. I’m like the opposite of DJ Khalid.”

2. FUNERAL CAKES

I’m back on my Romania kick – we are tentatively planning our belated honeymoon Transylvania tour for hopefully sometime late summer. To prepare, I have been trying to read some books that take place in Romania. In the one I just read set during the 1970s Communist-era, there was a reference to something called COLIVA and the footnote said that it was food prepared for and associated with funerals in Romania.

In a nutshell, it’s described as a “sweet pudding made from boiled wheat” and it’s traditionally feasted upon during ST LUCY’S DAY celebrations. Now, this is appealing to me as well because as saints go, St. Lucy is one of the coolest. I was talking about this in group chat and Glenn was acting like I had made her up? He was like, “if you say so” when I said she’s the saint that holds eye balls on a platter, as if this hasn’t been something depicted in artwork for centuries?

IF YOU SAY SO?

I was really mad for like 1/3 of the day when he said that. YES, I DO SAY SO, GLENN.

Look, it’s a statue of St Lucy that was made BECAUSE I SAID SO:

Anyway, we’re now going to start celebrating St. Lucy’s Day in our household because I want to eat coliva but I want to EAT IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, if you know what I mean. I already added a reminder in my phone.

3. Being a beer snob

I don’t know who this new Erin is but I am very confused by her. I spent my whole teenage and adult life up until recently despising beer so much and now I am obsessed with trying all the different kinds. I look forward to the weekend because sometimes we go to the beer distributor and build our own 6 packs which is exciting and fun for me (see also: life is meaningless with Chooch in college, so on and so forth).

Sometimes I made Henry watch beer videos on YouTube.

“What if all of a sudden I became a brewer? And I was real serious and wore a lab coat? NO –  I WORE A MARCHING BAND JACKET.”

Full circle.

Anyway, I think for our ANNIVERSARY lololololololololol we are going to Cooperstown, NY to visit Ommegang Brewery which specializes in BELGIAN BEER and are also a sub from one of my fave Belgian brewers, Duval. I mean, this is assuming that I’m still into beer by the end of March. You know me and whims and how they blow freely with the breeze.

This was the beer that got me on the ol’ Google Horn. I mean, the can alone is ADORBS and I actually still have it sitting in the kitchen because I can’t bear to pitch it and I want to do art with it.

Which will inevitably require metalcutting tools which means I will be delegating the art to Henry.

4. CLIVE PEARSE

This is a blast-from-the-past obsession from a younger Erin with greener infatuations, but remember a few years ago when I posted about finding this AUTOGRAPHED HEADSHOT OF SOME BRITISH TV/RADIO PERSONALITY when we were cleaning out a closet or something?

Well, that was in 2018 and this bitchin’ piece of history has been floating from one junk drawer to the next before eventually finding a home between the pages of a notebook. BUT DRIFT NO LONGER, SWEET CLIVE PEARSE – you finally have a home:

Why am I seriously such a loser.

There is a dumb story behind nearly everything in my house but no one ever asks when they come here and boy, are they missing out.

On that note, I just yelled, “WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY, YOU CUNT?” to Henry and now I shall close my laptop and try to find something productive to do. Like, search for more marching band jackets. Janna if you’re reading this and you still have your band jacket, give me it.