I think I have officially worn myself out. My body parts be like “Bitch, we fucking fatigued. Lay us the fuck down.” So I’m trying to “rest” but that’s not working out very well. Anyway, here’s some bullets. 

• I really want this shirt ^^^ that I saw in one of the early episodes of Goblin.
• Did you know that if your head gets cut off, you’re still conscious for 15 seconds? Chooch just told me that. Everyone say thanks, Chooch.
  • Speaking of decapitation, does it cost extra to have your head sewn back on for the funeral services?
    • I interviewed for a job once at a funeral home when I was in college and one of the job duties was styling the hair of the dead people. I was really stoked about that! I was offered the job but couldn’t take it because of my dumb night classes at Pitt. I wonder where I’d be right now in life had that worked out differently.

• I was almost back in the painting groove again….but then June happened. June was a terrible month. It was the lowest I’ve been in a very long time and I’m not sure if I’d be here writing this right now if it wasn’t for Henry and Chooch. They’re like my pool floats. My water-wings. MY HONEY BUNNIES.  MY LAMBY WAMBIES. Sorry. You never know when I’m going full-blown Back to the Beach quote-mode. Anyway, I managed to eke out two paintings before going back into retirement. I’m the fakest artist ever, you people.

• I took this picture last week so my face is even closer now, but it still feels sooooo far away! Some of my co-workers get excited if I forget to move my face because then they get to do it. If it’s my enemy Lou, he puts it on upside down. :( The other day, I was telling some of my work friends how stressed I am about what I’m going to wear to the G-Dragon show, and Lori suggested that I dress like G-Dragon, like put together something inspired by one of his famous looks. But then Lauren said that HENRY should dress like G-Dragon (I think this how the conversation went – I eat a lot of Asian candy from the Pumpkin of Horrors every day and I think my brain is rotting) and this is basically the best idea ever. Henry is not down with it and said that he hates Lauren and Lori now. WOW.
  • I have to find him a flesh-colored turtleneck.
  • In Pumpkin of Horrors news, this  latest batch I procured from Hmart is full of more hits than misses! I mean, there is one kind that Glenn calls the roast beef candy because it starts out oddly savory but then turns delightful. One of the mail ladies (Betty, the one who told me a few mths ago that she tried one on her own and thought she went down to the sewer — that’s what happens when I’m not there to supervise!) started asking me questions about where I shop for my candy and Todd said he felt like I was being interviewed and was so nervous that I was going to mess up. Lauren, however, said it sounded like I had waited my whole life for someone to stop and talk to me about my candy, and something about MY CANNED RESPONSES?!
• Today was Chooch’s first day at Camp Chronica! Chris has graciously offered to let Chooch hang out at their house one or two times a week while we’re in childcare limbo, and we couldn’t be more grateful – plus, Chooch is in his glory. Chris is one of his favorite people in the whole world. I had to give him a stern talk this morning though about not impeding on her work and not pissing on her toilet ugh. Anyway, he got to hang out with her sister Amy and make a whale plushie! Chris sent me a video of Chooch using a sewing machine and now I have all these plans to buy him his own one so that he can make shit for me. OMG LIKE MY OWN SWEAT SHOP!
  • I showed Amber and Todd the whale plushie and now they want to go to Camp Chronica, too.
  • Monica is making him a list of chores.

• I went to lunch on Sunday with BARB and of course she had a present for Chooch ugh (she had one for me too but I just like to focus on the negative). When he saw it, he tore his other shirt off and said, “I’LL NEVER WEAR ANOTHER SHIRT AGAIN!” Spoiler: he wore a different shirt the next day because I made him change.
• I hate how terrible and vicious money (or lack-thereof) makes people. Constantly disappointed and disgusted in humanity.

• On Monday, Wendy decided at the last minute that she wanted to have lunch with me and Lori. I think it was just because she left her work ID at home and didn’t want to use mine because it’s inside a purple fluffy Pusheen thingie with a G-Dragon keychain attached to it so she decided to just take me with her when she went outside. And Lori got to come too because she was wearing a cute rompery jumpsuit thing that day and you know what they say: wear a cute rompery jumpsuit, get asked to lunch. Anyway, we went to Condado and had bomb tacos. It was like Happy Dog in Cleveland where you get to build your own combinations on an order sheet thingie and I had such stress over it because I’m notorious for creating disgusting flavor profiles, mismatching ethnic cuisines, and just overall making very poor ordering choices. We had a really cool waiter but I thought he was going to yell at me, crumble up my order and tell me to start over, but instead, he glanced at it and said I did a good job! I think he was probably just checking to make sure all my circles were properly penciled. One of my tacos had lime tofu and something creamy on it, this was definitely the best one and I think they should put it on the menu and name it the Erin Got Lucky. The other one had BBQ jackfruit and it was ok but I think things went awry when I was choosing a sauce because something was misaligned. But still – it was a taco and it was a million times better than the Cream of Wheat I was originally planning on making with the hot water dispenser on the coffee maker at work. (As opposed to the tedious oatmeal that needs baked in the microwave, ugh, kill me.)

• We went to the park yesterday for some 4th of July outdoorsiness because who wants to sit inside doing nothing but talking shit on people all day. We’re kind of out of the nature-loop, but apparently there is some rock hide-n-seek game going on, so that was fun, finding these rocks and then moving them like a foot away because we suck at hiding things.
  • Meanwhile, Chooch had his bike with him and let me tell you something about Chooch: athletic he is not. He makes Henry and me cringe when he rides his bike, but everyone is all, “HE IS A BOY. IT WILL BE FINE” so I’m like “OK if you say so” as I’m watching him from behind finger-slats as he rides over a gorge. At one point, we were on a curvy path and I could see him through a patch of trees as he turned around to come back to where we were walking. “Let’s hide!” I said, pulling Henry behind a tree with me. So we were giddily standing behind this tree trunk, all stock-like, nervously breathing when we realized after awhile that it was taking him longer than it should have to make it back to where we were. “He saw us, so now he’s hiding too,” Henry hypothesized. We eventually conceded and stepped out from behind the tree. “Where the hell is he?” I cried, looking around the empty path. And then I saw him dragging his bike, and himself, up a hill. “I’m OK! I just accidentally rode down this hill, but I’m OK!” OMG he’s the worst. Every time he turns his head, his bike turns with him, so that’s probably what happened. He saw a squirrel or something and then the next thing he knew, he was off the trail and crash-landing at the bottom of a hill. THAT’S MA BOY.

• We walked to Dormont Park last night to watch the fireworks. I usually skip this tradition because I’m of the “if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all” mentality, but Chooch wanted to meet his buddy Dimajio down there so we decided to all go as like, a family thing. It was kind of dumb, action-wise, but nice to just chill with Henry and people-watch. We were sitting to a bunch of middle school Meghan Trainors who thought they were HOT SHIT, and some cover band was playing Journey, BUT AT LEAST WE WERE TOGETHER. Chooch came back over to us when the fireworks started and I was like, “OMG HE CHOSE US OVER DIMAJIO!” but it was just because Dimajio was playing basketball or something and we were Chooch’s back-up plan. “After awhile, it’s just like…loud lights,” Chooch mused, and we were like, “Um, yes, you’re correct.” I get bored after the first two minutes, because I just want the whole thing to be the grand finale. However, I always say, “Ooooh” whenever it’s the gold sizzling ones, because those are my forever faves.
  • Henry and I were originally sitting on a part of the grass that was eventually roped off with ACTUAL CRIME SCENE TAPE by some dopey-looking cop, who is definitely the little go-fer boy of the precinct. Apparently, we had chosen the zone where the ash and firework carcasses drop from the sky, so we had to move. That was pretty much the most action that happened all night.

I still have to wrap-up my KCON recaps and regale the Internet with pictures of furries from the Anthrocon parade, and I’ll get there. But tonight, my brain was not about that organized thought life.

This was taken before the show started, which is why there are so many empty seats. 

When Twice and CNBlue were announced as two of the groups performing at this year’s KCON, Henry knew there was no way  out of it. My love for Twice knows no bounds and Yong Hwa, the lead singer of CNBlue, is one of my favorite Running Man guest stars. Those two groups alone were worth it to me.

When we bought our tickets, it was just me and Henry going but then at the last minute, Chooch decided he wanted to go as well. Tickets for the concert were pretty steep, and not only that but if we bought a third ticket, someone would have to sit alone. Henry the Martyr gave up his ticket so that Chooch could experience the awe and majesty that is Kpop live.

Henry did admit though that he was a bit sad about it because he had some curiosity of what it was going to be like. It’s not everyday you get to see Kpop groups perform live in the States. It’s not like skipping a Dave Matthews Band concert because you know you can just see them again next year. With Kpop, YOU NEVER KNOW!

Concert entry line-up started around 6 so Henry reminded us not to talk to strangers and then peaced out back to the hotel.  It took over an hour for us to get inside the Prudential Center, even with all the specific lines that were designated for each ticket tier. I wasn’t too concerned though because we had seats so it’s not like we needed to be OMG First. (I still had a little bit of that urgency bubbling up inside me though, ugh.)

Security was especially dickish at this place, screaming at everyone in line and mocking the people who were told to throw out all the food samples they were given at the convention. We’re talking full-sized packages of Korean snacks, you guys. Bowls of instant ramen, pitched. People were arguing that it was stuff given to them from convention booths but security gave no fucks and pointed out the garbage cans. I was thankful that Henry took all of our stuff back to the hotel with him, because we had A LOT of food in our bags.

Chooch was really angry about this and I told him blogging about it might be a good exercise of stress relief but then he was like “Wow, suddenly I’m not mad anymore, bye.”

As soon as we made it through security, Chooch wanted a $7 soft pretzel.

“This is why they don’t want you bringing food in here,” I said sadly, withdrawing from Chooch’s college fund.

The tickets I bought were the second cheapest being offered. They went on sale after I sold my soul for G-Dragon tickets, so I’m lucky I was able to buy tickets AT ALL. We were in the nosebleed section for sure, but there was still somehow one level higher than us. It was so steep and scary.

“Well, I guess we won’t be standing during this one,” I laughed, gripping onto the backs of the seats as we slowly shuffled down the row to our designated spots, but Chooch was like THANK GOD because he hates standing at shows.

There was a preshow, hosted by Kevin Woo. We got to watch people win flights to Korea, ugh. The one girl was all, “I want to go to M Countdown and hopefully see BTS….again!” and Chooch and I were puking in our hands. The Olympic committee guys were there again and everyone applauded them loudly — I loved all the Olympic spirit that was happening at KCON! I usually don’t like the winter Olympics (Summer all the way) but obviously I’m super stoked for these ones.

The concert started promptly at 7:30, with KNK! I TOUCHED THEM! I kept reminding Chooch, who was like, “I KNOW, I GET IT!”

The screaming could have been unbearable, but I was SO INTO the whole atmosphere of this thing, that it was only making me incredibly giddy! I couldn’t believe that I was getting to see all of these amazingly beautiful kpop groups perform live, outside of YouTube!

KNK was so great, as expected. They only performed three songs, because the whole purpose of this concert was that it was supposed to be like the Korean weekly music show, M Countdown, where current popular artists come on and perform their chart-toppers. So it’s more like a sampling rather than a full set, and we were totally OK with that. The set-up was perfect for someone like Chooch, with a short and stubby attention span.

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Chooch has no opinion of KNK and said that he can’t keep KNK, Up10tion, and SF9 apart.

Next, Yuju from Gfriend and Dongwoon from Highlight came out and performed Beauty & the Beast, in a special nod to Broadway. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry during this, and we all know by now that I might be a terrible person, but a liar I’m not. (I mean, look how often my honesty gets me in trouble.)

What I really loved about this part of the concert is that it highlighted (lol) the sickeningly beautiful voices of kpop idols that often get overshadowed by the choreography-heavy stage performances. When it’s all stripped down like this, their voices are able to shine and it’s a great reminder that not only are kpop stars beautiful and sick dancers, but they can fucking sang, y’all.

Chooch: “One of the only Beauty & the Beast songs I know, and it was so sweet.”

The next group to perform was SF9 and I barely knew anything about them, but based on the reaction of the crowd, these boys are way more popular than I realized. The girl in front of me threw her head back in such robust ecstasy that I thought she was going to break my shin bone thing.

They were so freaking good!!

https://instagram.com/p/BV-9osnBNqu/

So the Fortune Wheel was bizarre. SF9 performed like two songs and then stopped to give their obligatory fan service, which just so happened to be “spinning” the Fortune Wheel.  Chooch and I were like “dafuq is happening right now” because these are not things that happen at the shows we’re accustomed to! But it turned out to be pretty entertaining and we got to see the personalities of the group members really shine outside of their tightly choreographed performances. It was slightly awkward because they were speaking 99% in Korean and we had to try and read the subtitles on the screens, which were in LIGHT BLUE FONT.

Anyway, they chose some basic brunette named Paige in the front of the P1 stage area and then two of them proposed to her and it was so dumb but also slightly adorable and she was like kind of crying and swooning through the whole thing, but then couldn’t pick which proposal was better so she picked all of them, what a cop-out. This song-and-dance went on FOREVER when all we really wanted was ACTUAL SONG-AND-DANCE. GIVE US THE SONG-AND-DANCE. Fuck Paige in P1!

Chooch: “God, they took so long with that, it was basically all that and no concert!”

Here is the best SF9 song, in my opinion. Also, SF stands for Sensational Feeling, lol.

Next up, finally, was Gfriend! I only know of them through Sarahkpop, one of my go-to kpop dance workout channels on YouTube. One of the first kpop routine of hers that I did was to a GFriend song, almost two years ago. Admittedly though, the only song I was really anticipating was “Fingertip,” which is their current hit.

I felt that out of all the groups, they were the most awkward when doing the standard introductions. Yerin was unable to be there due to “scheduling conflicts” which is confusing to me because if your actual job is being in a kpop idol group, shouldn’t your schedule be the same as the schedules of the other members? But what do I know!

Of course, when they performed “Fingertip,” everyone went nuts. Chooch said they were his favorite of the whole night and gee, I can’t imagine why.

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I thought they were fun, but they were missing the charisma that seems more prevalent in girl groups like Twice, Red Velvet, SNSD, etc. Maybe I need to watch more of their variety show appearances, though, before I start judging.

Chooch: “They were very shy and like, nervous I guess?”

OK, the next act was someone I was really anticipating: Zion.T! He’s collaborated with G-Dragon in the past, and I just really love his R&B style. There aren’t many solo Korean artists that stand out to me, but he is for sure someone who doesn’t need the support of a idol group. He can command a stage all on his own, without choreography even! Oh man, I thought he was so smooth and totally enjoyable. Henry doesn’t like him because he’s been on Infinite Challenge in the past and Henry thinks he looks like a jerk. #jealous

Anyway, he came out behind a piano and did a few lines from “Complex” and I thought I was going to faint. If G-Dragon had walked out for his part, I probably would be writing this from some Newark mental hospital right now.

Chooch: “He was good, I don’t know.”

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The headliners of night one was Highlight, and I was very curious about this one. So a quick background: they were originally known as BEAST, and they were very popular. One of the guys in Beast, Hyunseung, was actually in the running to be a member of BIGBANG back before they debuted in 2006, but he was eliminated in the end in favor of Seungri (I literally can’t imagine BIGBANG without Seungri and it gives me a stomachache every time I think about how close he was to not being in the group). Hyunseung went on to join another agency, and then became one of the original members of Beast. Anyway, he eventually left to pursue a solo career a few years back, and the rest of Beast recently re-debuted as Highlight. There was a lot of criticism when this happen – it seemed like fans really hated the name and wanted them to just remain as Beast. I don’t know, none of this affected me at all.

Chooch: “Highlight was good, my ear drums exploded, but that’s OK.”

They had such great stage presence and energy! The girls around us were fucking screaming their throats raw. I thought the girls behind me were 13, but I turned around at one point and saw that they were definitely in their mid-to-late 20s and it just made it even better. Kpop inspires mass hysteria, you guys! Chooch’s eyes kept bugging out because of the surround sound shrieks he had to endure all night.

Highlight also did the Fortune Wheel, but theirs was short n’ sweet – they just had to take a selfie. 

https://instagram.com/p/BWIYm4kB9MS/

At the end of the night, all of the artists were introduced again for the goodbye stage and I legit shed some tears.  The whole night, I just kept thinking, “I can’t believe I’m here! I can’t believe I’m seeing this!” Kpop has really turned my life around, as ridiculous as that sounds, and I was just so full of life in tha moment….

….but also really fucking tired.  Chooch and I screamed and applauded until the very last group left the stage, but we were beat, man. Having been outside in the sun-sizzle from 8:30am-7:00pm really took a toll on us and Chooch was close to full-fledged slumber during Zion.T, I think. 

Our Lyft driver Papa H was waiting for us outside and after failing to find an easily accessible place to eat, we ended up eating at the questionable restaurant in our hotel, where I had a veggie wrap stuffed with an entire bag of veggies from the freezer section (crinkle cut carrits, squash, and zucchini — not wrap-appropriate vegetables!). Chooch and I had to fight to keep from nodding off while Henry was wide awake having slept all night while we were in the concert, ugh. 

Day 1 was just too exciting! I couldn’t wait to wake up and do it all over again. MORE LATER!

Much to Henry’s chagrin, Chooch and I enjoy traipsing through the alleys of Brookline. There’s just something so DANGEROUS about it that gives us a thrill, you know? Plus, there’s a discarded flat screen TV laying back there and Chooch likes to kick it. 

I dunno where he gets that destructive urge. 

One time we walked past a bunch of kids smoking pot and Chooch was amazed that his old, square mom knew what pot smells like. 

Ugh. 

We were actually just walking through one of the alleys last night (Henry was horrified when he later found out) and we decided that we would just act like blind kids if we accidentally saw a drug deal or murder.

We think things through sometimes. 

Also last night, the old Polish guy up the street with the stinky produce vans made us stop on the sidewalk and admire the new solar-powered lights he put on his house. It was a nice neighborly moment. 

Also last night, we left the house without telling Henry. 

“What do you think Daddy will do when he finds out we’re missing?” Chooch asked, as though we had run away. 

“He’ll probably say, ‘I’m going to call 911….but first I’ll have an ice cream!'” I said in the Bullwinkle-like voice I adopt whenever I’m being terrible and mocking Henry. 

“We have ice cream?!” Chooch cried, scanning his mental inventory of the freezer. 

“No, but I always imagine that daddy has a secret freezer in the basement, filled with Klondikes,” I shrugged, and then we started talking about Henry stuffing our bodies in the freezer because we’re dark-minded. 

“Someday when you’re older and I’m dead, you’re going to think back to our walks through the scuzzy bowels of Brookline and miss it,” I said on our walk today. 

“Um…sure. I guess,” said Chooch with NO CONVICTION. 

This has been a KCON interlude. Recapping that convention is exhausting and also making me sad because I miss it and want to be talking about 24:7 but to WHOM?!

When my life is 80% daydreaming about Korean stuff, 20% sludging through another basic American day, a convention like KCON gives me life. For two days, I was able to be around other people who also appreciate the culture and the joys this beautiful country brings into our lives, rather than be giving strange looks because I prefer Running Man over the Bachelor or gochujang over BBQ sauce. And so what if I eat kimchi for a snack at work? 

The Hallyu wave has engulfed your girl and there’s no fighting the undertow.

This is my third attempt at writing this thing: the first two times WordPress was s douchebag and didn’t save my edits. So at this point, we’re going the pictures/captions route because I have nothing left to give. Wah.

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Also, real quick because I know there is a popular misconception that I use some kind of crazy vaginal sorcery to brainwash Henry isn’t doing my bidding: he is actually pretty down with the Korean craze as well. I mean, not as much as I am obviously because it takes a certain kind of bipolar nutjob to basically let one obsession with a music genre totally rebrand your entire lifestyle, but he does actually like most of the idol groups (not BTS though, inexplicably) and he genuinely enjoys cooking Korean cuisine and sends me articles about Running Man that he reads on k-gossip sites. We finally have something that we’re enjoying together!

Now if only I can get him to do KpopX fitness videos with me…

All that being said, I’m going to try and cast one of my witchy spells to get him to help me write this post.

​
Chooch French-fried me at the McDonald’s booth, where we got these cute reusable bags that proved to be invaluable as we collected free shit every time we turned around. I was really annoyed that the guy who took the picture didn’t take a second one!

Tous les Jours is a French bakery chain in Korea. I know – I was unsure at first too.  But the stuff I tried was so good and had a great Korean twist to French classics. I’d give anything for another piece of milkbread right about now.

Anyway, the only thing Chooch cared about from this place was the fact that a $10 purchase got you a battery-powered mini-fan. The first one he got didn’t work (user error probably) but later in the day, Henry threw down another $10 on beverages and Chooch finally got to have man-made air blown into his overheated face.

“When you can’t afford real friends” – Chooch

There was an entire section of the convention dedicated to the Winter Olympics! Here is Chooch standing with a cutout of the group Highlight.

“Keep walking maybe she won’t follow” – Henry

Chooch got so much free shit, it was incredible. This wasn’t even all of it. The I Love K-Food booths were giving away so many foodstuffs, just by playing games like Plinko and spinning a wheel.

The best part about the vendors and booths is that they were all blaring their own playlists, so it was literally Kpop cacophony.: A/K/A FUCKING DELIGHTFUL. 

“When your mom makes you take pictures with someone you barely even know about” – Chooch.

” Don’t be fooled, he knows who they are.” – Henry

Ha Ha and Gwangsoo from Running Man are K-Food spokespeople! It was so exciting for me to see their likeness outside in the real world, among so many other people who also knew who they were! (They’re my two favorite people from Running Man! If/when Henry and I split, I’m going to add to my “H” knuckle tattoo so it spells Ha Ha.)

Some of the awesome k-beauty products I bought from the Nature Twenty booth. I wanted everything!

“You’re already beautiful enough, you don’t need any of that stuff” – Henry

Song Joong-ki!!!! <333333

“Me and the gang” – Chooch.

“Little did I know, they were going to pick from the opposite side of the tree I hung mine” – Chooch.

If you hung your wish on the Wishing Tree, you were eligible for a drawing later that day. The prizes were an iPad, concert tickets, and fan engagements. Dumb Chooch didn’t win for once. They had some actual men from the PyeongChang Olympics committee there picking the winning wishes! That was pretty cool. Pairing the Olympics with KCON was extremely smart marketing.

GAHHHHH KOREAN FOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

“Choices were pretty slim, though the ones there were good.”- Henry

We all ate lunch from the Korilla booth. I had the tofu taco, Henry had some type of meat taco, and Chooch had veggie mandu. Plus Henry and I split an order of Kim-cheese fries, which was my kimchi fix. I think I’m addicted to that shit, you guys.

My favorite food stall was the traditional Korean beverage guys, though. They served me up some ice cold sikhye (a wonderfully sweet rice drink) and it was divine.

(Chooch apparently hates the word divine, at least my usage of it, so now I want to use it a lot, maybe change his name to it and stick some PINK FLAMINGOS in the yard.)

G-friend was at the AT&T tent at one point so Chooch climbed on a cement thing and got a picture of two of them. 

“When I realized I’m not athletic”- Chooch

“Piano lessons to continue” – Henry

“Slide to the left. J/k” – Chooch

I asked Henry why he and I don’t wear matching couple outfits like those two in the pink hats and he was quick to point out that those two weren’t a couple, but a girl and her gay friend, which I thought was presumptuous because why does a guy in tight shortalls have to be gay?

Anyway, this was during a G-friend “Fingertip” choreography lesson, which was pretty boring to watch. Maybe when I’m a certified KpopX instructor, I can have my own demonstrations at KCON!!!!!!!!!!1111111

That girl back there in the yellow shirt is a super annoying YouTuber.

“We at least agreed on that” – Henry

“When your fam just leaves you” – Chooch.

“When your fam ‘thinks’ they left you.” – Henry

This was right before Henry made friends with a NEWARK COP while Chooch and I were waiting for the PyeongChang wishing tree drawing. He was so proud of it too! Later, Chooch and I saw an old ass cop scoot by on a Segway and I was certain it was Henry’s new boytoy in blue, but then when we were leaving the convention that day, some younger cop jovially smiled and waved to Henry like they knew each other.

“That’s my new cop friend!” Henry said, full of pride.

Wow.

Anyway, I made this picture b&w because Henry is always head-to-toe grayscale so what does it even matter.

That fucking Tous les Jour fan.

“It’s not a ‘fucking’ Tous les Jour fan. It’s a FREAKING Tous les Jour fan” – Chooch.

Random acoustic set from a guy and girl but it wasn’t in Korean so I lost interest. 

“That face you make when you’re not ready” – Chooch. (“If it was Daddy, I would say, ‘That face you make when you see a girl'” – Chooch.)

My people. I loved how diverse the demographic was!

“When you’re 11 and driving. I don’t know.” – Chooch.

Chooch got to play some crazy-ass crane machine controlled by a Toyota CH-R (they called it the CH-rane game) and won a Line Friends notebook. He was salty because it took him so long in the day to finally play and by that time, they were all out of the Line Friends plushies. This was somehow Henry’s fault. 

“When you eat kimchi unknowingly and like it” – Chooch

Seriously, I was like, “Hey Chooch peep this Korean pancake, you’ll love it” BUT IT WAS KIMCHI JEON. Henry makes a delicious jeon, you guys. So maybe when we’re in Korea, he’ll be able to supplement his Subway meals with the occasional jeon.

That moment you catch Henry getting brochures from someone at the Korea Tourism Organization booth and fall in love with the bearded dope all over again.

Chooch was on the prowl for more shit to win.

“When you try to find new parents” – Chooch.

“When you’re tired AF and still forced to get a picture taken” – Chooch.

Chooch looks like he got beat up in his attempt to get a Highlight sign to take into the concert, but really this is just what his legs always look like because HELLO 11 YEAR OLD BOY. He falls off his bike everyday, I think.

And that was Day one of the convention! Concert recap coming soon. 

Hi guys it’s us, Dumb & Dumber. We decided to sneak up on Henry at the laundromat and at the end of the 35 minute walk there, we didn’t see his car (after Chooch was trying to make me paranoid that Henry was actually downtown at Blush).

I texted him and said “What are you doing?” He said “Folding.”

FOLDING WHAT, BENJAMINS INTO G-STRINGS?

So I called him and acted all weird and he was like WHAT IS GOING ON so Chooch grabbed the phone and spilled the beans and Henry was all “You dumbasses.”

OH TURNS OUT HENRY HAS BEEN GOING TO A NEW LAUNDROMAT.

So now we’re in Dollar General killing time because we want Henry to pick us up because the walk home is like all up hill and we didn’t plan this far ahead, and of course I don’t have my wallet so I can’t even buy us snacks and we’re just walking around looking at generic snacks, acting like we’re starving orphans, waiting for Henry to come and adopt us while singing along to Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber.

Omg we look so suspicious and creepy.

Bye!

ETA: Henry came and got us at the original laundromat because Chooch went over there to pee and use the vending machine. We got in the car and Henry said, “Idiots.”

He just said he wishes he had gone to that laundromat because he’d have had us help fold. Ugh.

Now that I have had a few days to rest and reflect upon my time at KCON….I still don’t feel like I can accurately recount it here. It was all such a fantastic, surreal blur.

It was almost perfect. As with most festivals and conventions, there were definitely some kinks and quirks that could be tweaked, but overall my experience was pretty freaking phenomenal.

I guess now would be the time in the blog post where I consider that perhaps not everyone reading this knows what KCON is. WELL LET ME TELL YOU! It’s a huge 2-day convention in Newark, NJ for not just Kpop, but all things Hallyu: food, culture, beauty, travel — if your heart aches for Korea, then this is the convention for you. There’s also a KCON in LA, Paris, Japan, and Mexico. It’s a lifestyle, you guys. I feel like with Kpop, you either: don’t know about it, don’t like it, or FUCKING THRIVE ON IT LIKE IF OXYGEN HAD A BEAT TO IT. I somehow was able to last for more than a year being just a casual listener before it finally sunk its candy vampire teeth into my jugular and turned me into a Koreaboo of the Night.

In addition to the convention, there is also a huge concert inside the Prudential Center both nights, with nine groups performing in total. I’m not going to lie: tickets were expensive. I already gave G-Dragon half of my vital organs & monthly salary for VIP tickets to his upcoming concert, so nosebleed seats at KCON it is!

Before we left the hotel Friday morning, I made sure we each had on a BIGBANG pin: G-Dragon for me (natch), T.O.P. for Chooch, and Taeyang for Henry “I Don’t Wear Jewelry” Robbins. Taeyang was removed immediately after the above photo was captured.

:(

Whatever – Chooch and I were stoked.

Actually, Chooch had no clue what he was getting himself into, but he pretty much will go along with anything.

Since we registered early, there wasn’t much of a rush for us to get there before 10am, but then I got an alert saying that SF9 was appearing on the small convention stage outside in 20 minutes so I rushed them out of the hotel and into the Lyft that conveniently arrived 2 minutes after Henry ordered it. Our Lyft driver got us to the Prudential Center in no time, after trying in vain to make conversation with Tight-Lipped Hank (“What’s going on at the Prudential Center?” “A convention.”). My favorite part was when she rapidly flipped radio stations when the morning radio DJs started talking about large penises. We all started cracking up and Chooch decided she was the best Lyft driver ever and was mad that Henry didn’t try to request her the next day.

The convention technically wasn’t even open yet, but the stage was in a “free zone” where literally any hobo could slither on up and spectate without a wristband. There was some promotional video being filmed with SF9, hence the KCON text alert, so we stood there and watched the awkwardness. The text said they would be dancing, but they only did a quick 10 second thing for the video and Henry was all REALLY WE RUSHED HERE FOR THAT?!

Then we walked around Newark and ate breakfast at some weird Greek place where I had a $4 fruit salad that was actually not too bad except it had a ton of grapes and I’m weird with grapes. Sometimes they make my tongue feel strange, OK?! But the pineapple and watermelon made up for it. I was trying to keep my breakfast light because I wanted to eat so much Korean food all day long. (Spoiler alert: I did not eat Korean food all day long because it was hot as fuck out there and the sun boiled my appetite right off my body.)

We got back to the Prudential Center around 10 and there was a HUGE line to get into the PyeongChang Winter Olympic section of the convention, which was in a separate lot and required wristbands to be scanned in and bags searched. It’s also where all the panels were taking place and there weren’t any I was super interested in, so we checked out the portion of the convention that didn’t require any checking in – the main drag that was loaded with all the good booths, like the Toyota tent where all the dance-offs were happening throughout the day, the InnisFree tent (BEAUTY PRODUCTS FROM JEJU ISLAND, YES PLEASE) and DramaFever which is where Henry and I watch all of our K-Drama (premium subscription up in here).

I decided that this inaugural post will focus on the first cool thing that happened to me at KCON. But let me back this bitch up first. I’m still a big Kpop n00b so I’ve been learning a lot about all the quirks and nuances that go along with being a part of fan groups, etc. Most of this knowledge comes from watching vlogs on YouTube.  Yeah, I know, am I really even 37 years old. Anyway, I watch a ton of these things because Kpop is fascinating, the fans are nuts (mostly in good ways) and the lifestyle is just….well, it’s a lifestyle. So what I learned a while back through my research is that there are these things at kpop concerts and conventions called “hi-touches” where fans literally line up to gently touch hands with a kpop group. And at KCON, there are different levels of tickets you can purchase, the two highest ones come with hi-touch “guarantees.” But for the rest of us plebs, we got actually scratch-offs when we registered to determine if we would get the opportunity to participate in any of these fan engagements. For Chooch and me, we only got the chance to win the chance to be in the audience to watch OTHER people engage in the hi-touch. That’s how I won the opportunity to be in the audience during Up10tion’s fan engagement, but that wouldn’t be until day 2 of the convention.

I was happy for any opportunity, to be honest, because I was a KCON virgin and wanted to do as much as I could!

HOWEVER.

Chooch and I visited the DramaFever booth because we saw they were giving away prizes and taking pictures, and my face hadn’t yet turned into a two day old Thanksgiving glazed ham left out in the beating sun, so I was trying to get these photo ops in the bag as soon as possible.

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I didn’t even hesitate to throw on the red scarf because Goblin is my favorite K-drama!

After having our picture taken, I had to post it on Instagram with whatever the hashtag was and then DramaFever would let you participate in their game, which was like a slot machine game and if you got three matches (of the picture you tagged on IG), then you won whatever prize was listed on the screen. I wasn’t expecting to win because I don’t usually win these types of things, but we did and it was a Fan Engagement! I figured it was probably going to be another audience thing for Up10tion since they were pretty much the  newest, littlest-known group there that weekend, but no!

I GOT A FREAKING HI-TOUCH!

FOR KNK!

OK, so KNK isn’t really huge or anything yet either but I at least knew several of their songs so I was really excited for this experience!

Of course, Chooch was all butt-hurt because he felt like he won just as much as I did but I was the one who got the prize. So the DramaFever people took pity on him and let him choose a consultation prize.

He chose a Goblin fan. <3

I was so excited that I got this Hi-Touch that I even texted Todd a picture of it, because we were talking about it one day at work and he just thought it was the dumbest/crazies concept – like, you don’t even get to say anything to these people, that’s how quickly you’re herded past them like starstruck cattle. Even Todd thought this was exciting though!

About 15 minutes after winning it, I had the thought to maybe check and see when this thing was even happening, because the card had no info on it. I found a schedule for the fan engagements on KCON’s instagram and realized that it was going to happen in 30 minutes. Yikes. I found a long line that wrapped around one side of the Prudential Center, and determined it was the right line after asking several girls if it was the KNK Hi-Touch line. Henry and Chooch were like, “OK great have fun bye” and wandered off to check out more booths, leaving me with all these giddy girls in their late teens/early 20s; most of them had hand-made signs too, some were even written in Hangul. You don’t see this shit at Warped Tour, you guys.

While I was in line, I started to fixate on my hands.

My gross, grimy American grabbers. My moist, sweat-slick paws. My clammy, pig-swelled human hocks that were about to touch super-fine Korean hands that were probably lotioned and powdered with the magical secretions of Seoul and then preserved in silk gloves before it was time to meet the fans. Why didn’t I try to find a trough to wash my meatfists in, or just lop them off altogether….UGH WHAT TO DO!

Then the line started to move and I had no choice but to walk it out.

There were numerous checkpoints where we had to show our Hi-Touch proof to staff members. The worst part was once we got through the doors of the Prudential Center where the real security checkpoint was happening. It was such a K-cluster. First, we had to place our bags down on a table and then move ahead to get security-wanded, which was fine except that people behind me started purposely putting their bags in front of mine and the two girls who were in front of me, so that after they got wanded down, their bags were already checked and good to go!

The other girls just stood there meekly, not speaking up, but I was all, “OH FUCK NO” and pointed this out to the security lady who was half-assedly rummaging through the bags with her plastic stick.

“Aw hell nah,” she sighed, and then yelled over her shoulder to the lady at the other table, “SEE? I done TOLD you this wasn’t going to fucking WORK!” and then she started yelling at the other bitches in line to slow their roll while she finally searched my shiny pink laser gun purse and the purses of the other girls next to me who were practically in tears by this point.

Ugh it was so annoying! Kpop fans are mostly cool but not when it comes time to Hi-Touch a motherfucker. Christ.

Anyway, once this was over with, I walked into a dark gymnasium-type room. There were bleachers on one side, so I guess it was some kind of auxiliary arena within the Prudential Center? Looked like a basketball thing. But what do I know. There was a small stage set up at the end and another checkpoint next to a small barricade, which was meant to separate the audience from the people who won the hi-touch.

Immediately, I did not fit in. At all. Everyone was so young and scream-y and holding up their handmade foam signs and I was just like, “WHO EVEN AM I ANYMORE?” but you guys, it was pretty fucking incredible. Even though I was just “eh” about KNK, it was impossible to not get swept up in the mania of it all. So when a cameraman was panning his camera across the crowd, I screamed my fucking face off along with everyone else.

Also — there were commercials playing on a small screen on the stage and Kwang-soo and Ha Ha from Running Man were in one so my heart got all warm and fluttery like butterflies were fornicating in one of the chambers. It was just really exciting to be around all these things that I love, outside of my house!

And then Daniel Lim came out to get us all stoked, and this was how I learned that KNK’s fans are called Tinkerbells, so that was something.

What I remember most from this fan engagement was SCREAMING.

Just tons and tons of screaming.

No—shrieking. And wailing. And flailing.

Bitches were in stitches over the KNK sighting.

There was a short (and awkward thanks to the language barrier) Q&A session, mostly things like, “How do you like New York?” and “What is your favorite American food?” Dude on the end said Big Macs because that’s the only American food he’s had, and the second guy said “hot dog” and then mimed the eating of a hot dog. It was pretty fucking adorable, I’m not going to lie, and I felt myself falling in love with them with the quickness.

Then they played a quick round of charades which was super cute. The audience chose “Kpop groups” as the category so the guys doing the Charading just basically busted out signature moves from each group’s music videos and we all ate it up, especially when it was a girl group.

After about 30 minutes of talking and charading, it was time for the Hi Touch action and I was actually getting nervous! I have only ever seen these beautiful groups in YouTube videos, and now I was minutes away from seeing five of them in real life and I couldn’t even believe my luck! The line started on the side of the room I was standing on, so I was only about 30 people back from the front of the line. We had to relinquish our hi-touch cards to the security guard letting us through to the side of the stage, so there was no chance of keeping it as a souvenir or hopping back in line for a hi-touch second serving.

From what I’ve seen and read, hi-touches are very strict in that you can’t take selfies or video or really even say more than a succinct “annyeonghaseyo.” But I heard some girl in line with me ask if we were allowed to take video and I swear I heard the staff member say yes. Or at least that’s what it sounded like.

So…I went for it.

And by the time I made it to the second guy at the table, someone swooped in from my left and swatted my phone down.

I was like, “OMG I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW” because congratulations, Erin, you just made yourself look like a fucking rude, entitled Caucasian Trump-voting asshole.  I am such a staunch rule-follower too when it comes to these types of things so this pained me real bad and it was all I could do not to dwell on it for the rest of forever.

But regardless of my gaffe, the boys in KNK were so sweet and their smiles were like slivers of moonbeams and their hands were so soft and perfectly room-temperature and they didn’t even seem like the act of rubbing flesh with all these crazy fans was making them swallow their own bile at all. Such patient angels! 

Here I am in line to walk onto the stage. That might be the guy on the left who would later swat my phone away like it was a machete or a Meghan Trainor CD.

https://instagram.com/p/BV8Wb7eBxt2/

What a surreal, bizarre experience. I loved every fucking second of it (except for when I broke the Kpop law) even though it was basically the definition of objectification in motion, a long line of salivating girls (and boys) waiting for their 5 seconds of skinship. 

And while all of this was happening, Chooch was outside at the Asiana Airlines tent, spinning a wheel and winning an Amazon Echo. KCON is a fucking DREAM.

I wanted iced coffee today while I was walking on my lunch break. Crazy Mocha is usually my go-to, and I havent been there since last week when I walked out after I reached my gagging point at the strung-out couple heavily making out in line in front of me. Not to sound like a PRUDE but it was just TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. 

I figured enough time had past for their salacious residue to have evaporated, so I was going to go there when I remembered that Henry told me about some new place he heard about over by the Art Institute called Grateful something or other. I very recently had walked down that street (it’s pretty shady back there but I like to press my luck) but didn’t recall seeing anything other then a Thai restaurant, a head shop-looking store front, and a carjacker. 

I consulted my enemy Yelp to no avail. Maybe the place was so new that it wasn’t even on Yelp yet, meaning my Yelp nemesis probably hadn’t patronized it yet and if that was the case — did this place really even exist?!

Right before I was pulled into a parking garage sex ring, I saw a sign that said Grateful [Something] and realized it was the headshop that I had seen the last time I was on that street. But lo and behold, there was a placard out front that said COFFEE on it. 
The stench of patchouli almost warded me off, but I took one brave step across the threshold and stopped. It was a small store full of tie-dye shirts and things of that nature so suddenly the “Grateful” part of the shop name made sense. I was about to turn around when a man called from the back, “Are you looking for coffee?”

I must have had The Look. 

He motioned for me to come further into the back of the store, past some broad who was hanging hemp bracelets on a rack, I don’t even know, IT WAS ALL A BLUR. 

“So here’s the coffee,” the proprietor said in a sleepy-happy-high slur, pointing me toward a counter. “It’s self-serve. You have your iced coffee here,” he said, pointing to a cooler, “and here’s your hot coffee.” There were five or six bottles of Torani syrups as well, but this was not what I wanted! I wanted someone to make it for me! If I wanted to make my own iced coffee, I’d just go home and add an ice cube to whatever’s left in my French press. Ugh. 

I really wanted to leave but now I felt like I was in too deep because he was asking me where I work and if I’m a lawyer (lol) so I went through the motions of preparing myself a plastic cup of ok-quality room temp coffee and I couldn’t find the ice but didn’t feel like asking because I just wanted it be over. I felt so scrutinized! Like hey guy,  can you turn your back and give me some privacy here? There’s a certain intimacy to sprinkling saccharine into that cup o’ caffeine, you know? lol sike jk. I just didn’t want that dude looking at me. 

I squirted some sugar free vanilla syrup up in that shit while Spicoli kept getting in my face about how great his coffee is and showing me the gigantic printer he has to print out receipts. 

WHERE WAS THE SOY MILK?? I don’t know because I didn’t want to ask. Black it is!

After telling him three times that I didn’t need a receipt from his medieval printer, our transaction was finally complete. 

“Um can I have my credit card back?” I asked as he walked away with it still in his hand. 

“Oh yeah, good call!” he laughed, all Dazed & Confused. 

Ugh. Stress. 

The coffee was fine even though it tasted like I made it. Because I half did. 

On a scale of “Drinking the coffee you lft in th microwave for a day” to “Kind of like going to Telaropa and getting coffee from a vending machine,” I’d rate it a “I let a child fix my coffee at the gas station.”

Will I go back? Fuck yeah. It’s going on the Erin’s Shitty Pittsburgh Tour itinerary. 

This has been Lunch Break Tales. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=Xmg9cpwqIDw

Oh, to be that 가방.

9:24am: Gonna attempt to liveblog the drive home from Newark because the ride here was boring so maybe this will inspire me to spice it up for the sake of the Internet. I’ve been ready to go for an hour but Henry is meticulously packing everything like he’s leaving for the Army. Then he yelled GODDAMMIT and I thought he left his wallet at the Prudential Center or something but turns out he put his phone in his back pocket and accidentally tucked part of his shirt in with it — and that required such a zealous outburst I guess.

I miss KCON.

A LOT.

9:33am: Goodbye, shitty airport Wyndham hotel. It’s amazing the difference in quality between this Wyndham and the one we stayed at Thursday night – that hotel was dreamy. Also, I’m wearing my KCON shirt while taking Chris’s survey about towels.

9:52am: Less than 20 minutes in the car and we’re fighting over where to stop for breakfast. So, everything’s normal over here. Maybe henry should stop asking me to find restaurants because he has a reason to shoot down all of my suggestions, always. I’m retiring as Yelp-Looker-Upper after breakfast. THIS WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. DON’T LET ME DOWN, MR. APPLE PIE DINER.

10:04: We’re here! Everyone hates me but this place has AMBIANCE AND CHARACTER. It kind of smells like pee in here though.

So much brown and orange!

I just sent Chooch to check out the bathroom sitch. He said it’s just normal and not creepy. “White walls, a toilet, garbage can, a sign that says Don’t put paper towels in the toilet, and someone wrote ‘dummy’ at the bottom of it.”

This has been Chooch’s Bathroom Review.

I ordered a veggie omelet. I have never had an omelet with green beans, carrots, corn and peas in it. Literally a whole bag of frozen vegetables. It was….different. Shoulda got the pancakes.

But…those 1970s greasy spoon vibes, y’all.

10:56am: Henry almost wrecked the car because he was so excited to see a Roy Rogers in Whatevertown, NJ.

12:03pm: Just went to Hmart for the first time ever and Henry was a complete jerk and ruined my experience so it will be a loooooong drive home in silence.

The best aisle.

But I bought this G-Dragon thing so stuff it, Henry. (#terriblegirlfriendisterrible)

We also got some doraji and it’s taking everything in me not to tear into it right now. We should have just skipped breakfast and ate at Hmart ugh.

12:40: Henry is upset because of the full service gas station laws in NJ and dejectedly let some kid pump gas on his behalf. Then inside the gas station, henry and I made eye contact and started laughing so I guess we’re all made up now or whatever. Ugh.

1:28pm: Henry’s GPS just said welcome to PA so I guess we’re in PA too bad we live clear on the other side of it and henry is taking the long way to avoid the turnpike.

Some small town in PA, evidently.

Meanwhile Chooch has been hounding henry for his wifi hotspot and we’re like, “Can’t you look out the window and find animals and weeners in the clouds like normal kids from the 80s?!?!” Oh I can’t STAND this generation.

2:02: Ugh we just passed a sign for Scotrun and Henry and I both thought it said Scrotum. I hate when we think alike!!!!!!!!

Smoky BBQ taste, I read that myself nbd.

3:54pm: We are still so far from home and if I hear Chooch whine “daddy” one more time, I might actually put myself up for adoption. WE ARE ALL SO CRANKY. Except henry – he is perfectly prince-y.

4:54pm:

Me: Do you think I’m ugly?

Henry: No.

me: YOU DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT ME!

Henry: I KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

And now you know what this car ride is like.

5:46pm: waved the white flag in our mission to find eating establishments open on Sunday in this area and had our concession meal at Sheetz. LIVIN’ LARGE. Chooch got spaghetti and complained about it like he forgot he ordered it at a gas station.  I had a veggie wrap which is what I always get from Sheetz but it wasn’t wrapped appropriately therefor changing the whole flavor and experience. Henry thought this was funny because I’ve had really bad luck with food on this trip. We ended up eating at the hotel restaurant Friday night after the show and the veggie wrap I got there was similar to my omelet from this morning: STUFFED WITH A BAG OF FROZEN VEGGIES. Only this mix had zucchini, squash, crinkle-cut carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in it. The kind of freezer section vegetables that make you think you hate vegetables when you’re a kid. NOT APPROPRIATE WRAP VEGGIES. And they were all watery too. I want, like, spinach, tomatoes, onions, olives, green peppers on my wrap. Those are wrap-worthy veggies!!

6:25pm: What You Missed: my daily run-down of all the things I believe to be wrong with me. Once a hypochondriac….

(I used to keep the Merck Medical Journal on my bedside table when I was a teenager. I once thought I had pleurisy, water-on-the-knee, and a quincy at the same time.)

7:23pm: That feeling when Henry has to stop to pee twenty minutes from home. (What is: FURY.)

7:36: YEAH BOY.

Day one of KCON was a smashing success! Of course Henry irritated Chooch and me several times because that’s his role as a Square and it would be weird otherwise, but it was still a great day and we left with a huge haul–most of which was free and/or won, like that Amazon Echo over there that Chooch won by spinning a wheel at the AsianaAir booth (the box is empty because Chooch took it out in the hotel so he could sleep with it, I don’t know).

So so so much to recap but it’s almost midnight and I can’t keep my eyes open. KCON, you exhausting, girl. 

As usual, we got on the road a good hour after we originally planned. And then we realized we forgot things when we got to the end of the street and had to do the obligatory road trip back-track. 

The drive to Newark from Pittsburgh was plain, uneventful. Chooch slept for a lot of it and I dozed off and on a lot too because I think my mania is finally catching up with me and I am so goddamn tired. 

I had one weird Sheetz restroom encounter with an older woman, an ahjumma if you will, who was standing in line in front of me and she said, “You know, I travel A LOT for work and rarely see lines in the Sheetz restrooms” which is weird because I was thinking the same thing! Only, I didn’t feel it was necessary to initiate small talk over it. 

Then she let a woman with her small (BAREFOOT) son go ahead of her and turned to me and said, “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that–as I get older, the more I leak!” And then she started throwing her body around, like her laughter was a poltergeist pummeling her in the gut, and hit her head off the hand dryer. 

IT WAS SO WEIRD. 

And then I realized I didn’t even really have to pee but I had already stood in line for 5 minutes and was locked in. 

We ate lunch in Danville, PA at a Friendly’s we ate at once with the Handa’s after an event at Knoebel’s Amusement Park. I didn’t want to eat lunch at all because it was encroaching on our ETA – I needed to get to the Prudential Center before 5pm so we could pre-register for KCON. I watched a lot of YouTubers bitch about past KCONs and the discord that went along with the registering process and if there is one thing I don’t need right now it’s MORE STRESS. 

But we needed to eat, so we stopped at Friendly’s and I got all Token Nutritionist at our table because the menu had the calorie count of every single item and I was like WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT?!?! Turns out the grilled cheese and tomato sauce was actually the best option which worked out perfectly considering I’m a vegetarian and calorie-count aside, my options were slim, people. 

I also spent a lot of time bitching about how I didn’t like the looks of those Friendly’s guys on the wall (see above photo) and went as far as labeling them as SHARKS which is weird because there was some seasonal drink on the menu that had gummy sharks in it. Fuck you and your unnecessary calories, Friendly’s. 

Meanwhile, Chooch and I played some trivia on the game thingie that every table comes with. Henry was all, “THAT COSTS MONEY” and we were all, “NO IT DOESNT, TIGHTWAD.” 

And then when we got our bill, Henry was like, “LOOK AT THIS LAST ITEM” and it was a whole whopping $1.99 for those priceless 5 minutes that chooch and I were harmoniously working together to win at trivia. 

Get over it, Henry! 

We made it to Newark around 4:15 and got our wristbands and scratch offs to see if we were able to get any fan engagements. (The higher-tiered tickets came with a guarantee for one high-touch experience with one of the idol groups, and one guarentee to be in the audience for a fan engagement with one of the groups. The rest of us peions just got a “chance” for a fan engagement.)

Henry was like, “WHY DONT I GET TO SCRATCH ONE?!” as Chooch and I furiously scratched away at the four tickets we scored. They all said “sorry” — except for one of mine!! 

Up10tion is one of the only groups there this weekend that I know pretty much nothing about BUT I WILL TAKE IT. Their fan engagement is Saturday at 11 and I’m excited to witness the awkwardness of it all!

Chooch and I immediately put our wristbands on even though they’re not needed until tomorrow but Henry was too cool for that. Of course Chooch put his on too tight and has been complaining about it ever since. 

Early registrants!

We got to see a bunch of the booths being set up and I got this giant surge of giddiness. I am going to do ALL THE KOREAN THINGS this weekend. 

On the way to the hotel, Chooch’s neighbor friend Markie called him to see if he could come out and play. Chooch kept telling him he was in NJ and it just wasn’t clicking. When Chooch needs to be firm with him, he calls him Mark. 

“Mark, listen to me. We’re not playing today. We’re not playing tomorrow. Or Saturday either. BECAUSE IM IN NJ! I keep telling you that!” He was so mad and frustrated!

The he hung up and said “he’ll be knocking on our door in an hour.”

Chooch also talked to two of his other friends after that – he’s like a teenage girl in the 90s. Just sits in the backseat with his leg crossed, talking on the phone and looking out the window. 

My favorite was when he was explaining to one of them why he was in NJ: “I don’t know, some convention for my mom” he mumbled. 

We checked into our hotel around 5:30 and Chooch and I went swimming while Henry supervised and by that I mean he sat on a lawn chair and looked at his phone/nodded off. 

Henry splurged and got us a hotel that didn’t have cigarette burns in the shower curtains and questionable stains on the sheets. Chooch and I were acting out our own episode of Rags to Riches and Henry was like, “That’s enough.”

Then we went to Killer Vegan for dinner! I had the Gunslinger – a homemade veggie burger with BBQ seitan on top. It was good but not $11.50 worth of good. And my side of Brussels sprouts was just OK. 

Chooch had a pizza burger with vegan mozzarella and Henry had vegan gumbo. 

Now you know what we ate for dinner because that’s the kind of blogger I am. ALL MINUTIA ALL THE TIME. 

MY BURGER ALSO HAD ONIONS!

(On the real tho: Chooch got fries and they were the mystical kinds that I have gone through life talking about but rarely eating. They were The Good Kinds. The kinds that are perfectly crisp without being dry or hard, and they just melt into a beautiful pile of greasy potato ash on your tongue. God help me.)

All in all, it was an adequate dinner and it felt good to eat healthy, but I was hoping for actual entrees and a better ambiance. 

Came home and pissed around in the fitness center for some amount of time and then Chooch and I “explored” the hotel (some Wyndham business hotel) because they was always my favorite thing to do as a kid and it’s even better when you have a partner. We ran up and down so many stairwells and did the whole “look at the ceiling and whistle” every time we passed some asshole in a suit. My favorite part was when we turned a corner on the third floor and saw some tall man slowly vacuuming the floor with his back toward us. 

“What if he’s dead?” Chooch tersely whispered. 

“OMG I hope he is!” I whispered back. 

He wasn’t. :(

Then we walked around outside in the dark and eventually came back to our fourth floor room, banged on the door, and got yelled at by Henry because “people are trying to sleep.”

Lol ok. 

Tomorrow morning, we leave for KCON. I think all three of us need this long weekend to get away from all the bullshit and remember how to be a family. 

Even if it is in Newark. 

It’s not fine. But it will be. 

There was one majorly super awesome thing that happened last Tuesday, you guys. Baby Calvin was born! It seemed like Haley was pregnant forever, but now he’s here and the three of them have become the perfect little family. I’M LITERALLY CRYING AS I TYPE THIS because I have known Blake since he was eight and it’s been a crazy and awesome journey watching from the sidelines as be grew from a little human Bart Simpson to this sweet, excited dad. 

BLAKE IS A DAD!

AND ROBBIE IS A DAD!

So many dads and babies!

It seems like just yesterday when Blake & I were getting sick together on carnival rides,  making STD cookies with Janna, and going to Warped Tour….

Where did the time go?! 

Haley is already assuming the role of super cool mom and her happiness is contagious! It almost makes me wish Chooch was still a baby…

They brought Calvin over yesterday for a visit and seeing Henry holding his grandson made me forget all the bullshit because this is what life and family is about. THIS. 

Three grandsons for Henry! This is totally his year. I’m so happy for everyone! Congratulations, Blake & Haley! Calvin is so lucky to have you as parents!

(Also, Chooch completely missed out on the visit because he was too busy hanging out at his second family’s house, a/k/a Wesley with the two trampolines, a poodle, and a mom who cooks.)

Everything sucks. But this custard / Fruity Pebbles combo was nice. 

In related news, I deactivated my Facebook account because after 16 years, some people still can’t seem to stay the fuck out of my non-marriage. I have to say, being Facebook-free has been pretty wonderful and I don’t regret it, even though it took being told that I’m a terrible mom and even worse girlfriend to get there. 

They’re probably looking at a list of all the ways I’m super shitty. 

There was an episode of some talk show I watched once in the 90s—Maury or Donahue or Sally Jesse, who cares—about people who survived gunshots to the head.

What always stuck with me was that every person on the panel said the same thing: it didn’t hurt.

One person said they only felt “an icy sensation.”

That’s how my head has felt all week but without the bullethole.

Anyway, due to my invisible head trauma, please look at some pictures of Pittsburgh that I’ve been collecting during the last several lunch break walks. I’m on the tourism board, you know.

These were some street art installations that sprung up during the annual Three Rivers arts festival. I actually was walking by the day the artist was making one of them. He had paint on one side of his face that looked like tire tracks. I’m pretty sure it was intentional and I would have much rather hung out with him than go back to work, wah.

Hey guys, this was the general area where that lady got hit by a car and I cried and was so worried about her all day—me, caring about another human!

I remember the day I took this picture in the Strip District because it was a deliciously uneventful walk. Sometimes a stroll without attracting weirdos or witnessing domestic disputes is a welcome reprieve!

That time I was standing in line at Crazy Mocha and Journey’s “Who’s Crying Now?” came on the radio and all five people in line started mindlessly humming along.

Here’s a picture from some church on the Northside, which I walked to accidentally and then almost didn’t make it back to work in time and I panicked even though no one else is a clock-watcher but me.

Random view down some street. It rained later that day, and then Pittsburgh was lit with the pungent bouquet of wet hobo piss on a hot summer’s day. Ugh, that stench.

I walk past this storefont nearly every day and somehow never noticed how pretty it is until today. Also today, I got caught in a storm without a umbrella so I ran inside the Westin and thought I was out-smarting mother nature by going into the gift shop to buy an umbrella, BUT THEY WERE ALL OUT?! I literally just made fun of Todd the other day, too, for his horrid luck at getting stuck in downpours on his lunch break, so I guess I was due for my own afternoon shower.

Luckily it didn’t last long and I was under shelter the whole time, so there.

Hey, speaking of head shots, this song was banned by some of the Korean TV stations for having graphic lyrics about violence. I get to see them next week at KCON and I hope they perform it!

I’m hoping KCON breaks the sad spell that’s been cast on me. The other night, Henry was so desperate to cheer me up, that he willingly suggested that we watch G-Dragon videos and then Chooch offered to watch Running Man with me and he HATES that show because it’s subtitled. I said no to all of those things, but turns out Soju shots was also an option and that felt great until it didn’t.