I’m sure you guys are shocked that my 16-year-old son is barely throwing me the tiniest of crumbs when I ask him mommy-centric questions like, oh I don’t know, HOW IS IT GOING IN MEXICO?

ARE YOU HAVING A NICE TIME?

WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

IS YOUR HOST FAMILY NICE?

DO YOU MISS ME?

WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?

I get one-word answers mostly. Well, it was REALLY dicey the first two days because his phone wasn’t working even though Mexico is included in his plan (I guess it took a few days to figure out what was up??) so he had to use Whatsapp to talk to us and I guess he didn’t like that so we barely heard from him and I thought for sure that he was having a shitty time and kept crying to Henry, “DID WE MAKE A MISTAKE???? THIS WAS ALL YOUR IDEA!!!”

I had to rely on the CIEE Yucatan Insta for pictures and updates.

THIS ONE REALLY WORRIED ME because he looks really tense?! This is unlike him!!!! Corey texted me and was like, “Um….

???” and I was like, “Right?!”

But then he sent us pictures of the dogs at his host family’s house!

And this pretty church thing!

And a series of barrio pets!

He sent all those to Henry and when I asked for a picture, he was like:

Once he got his texting ability back, he was like rapid-fire texting me with info and I was like, “OMFG THIS IS GREAT.” Yes, is enjoying his time there! Yes, he likes his host family! He is staying there with another kid, Julian, who is from Seattle and Chooch said he’s nice and they get along well. He just told me right now that they were playing soccer in the park last night at 8pm with a bunch of 9-year-olds lol.

I think he really likes that they get to hang out in the city center at night – I think their curfew is like 10:00 or something so they’re not out gallivanting until dawn or anything. And we all know that Chooch LOVES public transportation (no sarcasm) so he’s living his best life I’m quite sure.

I don’t know what any of this stuff is, he just sends it to me and then dips.

This was Wednesday I think and you can see that he’s smiling! I was 100% relieved by this point and am no longer worried. Yes, I miss him tons but my secondhand excitement is greater!

I think they kid next to him is his roommate.

This is his group’s sign thing, I dunno. He doesn’t tell me!

Other intel I’ve gotten from him is that there are 7 vegetarians including him but the rest are all girls and he doesn’t talk to them. OK cool. But it sounds like he doesn’t have an issue with getting veg meals, except for Saturday when he was at a restaurant and asked for a burrito with no meat and was given a burrito with cactus and pineapple and nothing else and said it was rancid and that he tricked into ordering it (??). And his host family went to the beach on Sunday but all I know is that his back got sunburnt really bad because, even though I sent him there with sunblock, he is a moron when it comes to applying it so I’m sure his back has lots of fun handprints all over it because that’s his signature sunburn style.

I’m telling you, if he was a girl, I’d have a deluge of photos and you’d probably have read about 4 guest blogs by now. Chooch is the worst! He is so much like Henry in that regard. I’m over here like YOU HAVE TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. TAKE A MILLION PICTURES!!! SEND POSTCARDS!!! and he’s like, “here’s a picture of my Starbucks that looks like it could have been taken down the street from our house.”

(This is the Insta he created specifically for this trip because god forbid he should post stuff to his actual account that he hasn’t used since like 2020, IDFK.)

We’ll see how much intel I’m able to collect over the next week!

We already chatted about Saturday in Michigan, and then strolled down Monday’s memory lane together, so now let’s grab some beverages of choice and you can attend my riveting recap of our Sunday! But instead of starting with Sunday morning, let’s just skip ahead to the evening, after we left Michigan’s Adventure.

Because I literally cannot do a damn thing in sequential order!

The park was about 3.5 hours away from where we were staying – it was all the way up in Muskegon and Henry’s weird logic was to get one hotel near Bill and Jessi and stay there for both Saturday and Sunday night.

Someone had REGERTZ.

I mean, the park closed at 8 so even if we had stayed until closing, we would have gotten back probably by midnight. Not ideal but not awesome either. So we unanimously opted to leave the park around 5 which seems like it would have been a great idea except that I found a town called HOLLAND on Roadside America and now I desperately needed to go here to see the windmill. I figured we could eat there and found a place with veg/vegan options that seemed good and Henry agreed to this plan for some reason, even though it was kind of NOT ON THE ROUTE BACK.

First, we had to stop at a car wash because Henry parked the car under a tree at the hotel so the next morning one whole side of the car was straight Pollocked with bird shit and various tree droppings. GOOD ONE, HENRY. Of course, it was on Chooch’s and my side so we had to see it every time we got into the car, ugh. It was so gross that there was no way we could wait until we got home to deal with it.

Car washes will never not be fun for me.

Then we got to Holland and you will note that there are no photos here of Holland and that is because it was a SUPER POPULAR TOURIST TOWN and not the little rural knock-off Netherlands that I had imagined in my dumb head. It’s also apparently a college town and the people we encountered as we walked to the restaurant were YUPPIES and other types that were not our kind of people at all. These were the rich leisurelies.

And FORGET EATING IN HOLLAND if you don’t have a reservation anywhere. There was a line out the door for the place I originally picked and then we tried some hoity toity pizza place down the street and the hostess was like, “It will be an hour wait” and we were like, “K bye.”

I was so mad! And also the windmill I wanted to see was located on whatever “Windmill Island” is but Henry said it was closed and honestly, he was probably lying but I didn’t even care enough to fact-check his ass at that point.

Henry said we were going to be driving past Grand Rapids though and suggested that I look for somewhere there. I found a place called Stella’s that seemed cool.

Unlike DUMB HOLLAND, downtown Grand Rapids was not poppin’. At least, not the area surrounding Stella’s.

It was sometime after 7 by now, and Stella’s only had a 20 minute wait. I gladly put my name in and we walked around the block a little bit while Henry kept saying, “How far are we going?” the whole time and I was like “OMFG GO BACK IF YOU WANT” Jesus!!

Never pass up an opportunity to turn Chooch into a wallflower! LOOK AT THE PRESH FACE.

The back of Stella’s was way more eye-poppin’ than the front!

Anyway, I got the text saying our table was ready before 20 minutes even passed.

Yo, I loved this place so much IMMEDIATELY. It was my kind of vibe: a little bit of punk, a whisper of goth, a smudge of rockabilly. Plus, Thundercats was playing on the TV at the bar!!

I don’t think Chooch talked to us at all. He was being a big crybaby because he wasn’t hungry and we were like, “WELL WE ARE, SO.” He did end up ordering something thank god – I hate it when he pouts and doesn’t get anything because it makes me feel weird as a parent and as I’m typing this I am overcome with the photo album in my mind flipping through mental snapshots of all the times I pulled that shit on Henry, lolololololololol. My favorite was when we were at a diner in San Bernadino when we were out that way for Coachella in 2004 and I was feeling A BIG WAY like literally having a major body image breakdown,, that I refused to order anything and then LEFT HIM THERE after he ordered so he had no choice but to stay there and eat alone while I cried in the car in 110 degree desert heat so who was the real loser in this scenario, lol.

I got a salad with fake chicken. It was fine and didn’t make me sick, and in this season of my life (I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT LOL), that’s all I can ask for.

Chooch got vegan wings and they were really good – they were super substantial, and he couldn’t finish them all so I was allowed to have one. Oh, and Anthony Green’s “Dear Child” came on at one point! Love when I can enjoy a decent meat-free meal in a cool bar with music of my youth(ish) playing. I have literally never heard an Anthony Green/Circa Survive song in public (non-concert venue) before. When I cried, “OMG DO YOU HEAR WHO THIS IS??” Henry paused for a second and then said, with REALLY SEXY CONFIDENCE, “Anthony Green.”

I mean, I can’t be surprised. I had been obsessed with Circa Survive since almost the beginning of our relationship right up until Kpop pushed everything non-Korean out of my heart.

I guess Stella’s is big on ice cream sandwiches because the dessert selection was 5 different varieties.

Henry and I got the chocolate peanut butter one to share and it was DELECTABLE. Chooch said he didn’t want one.

Bathroom selfie! See also: Not Dressed for Holland.

(Can I just note that these shorts are from some junior brand at JC Penney’s and literally the most comfortable shorts of my whole adult life? I had to finally accept the fact that me and jean shorts just ain’t happenin’ anymore and ever since then, I was able to open my world – and wardrobe – up to linen and other non-denim fabric shorts and I am finally able to be comfortable in the summer heat now! I have a bunch of different ones from the Kohl’s juniors department too because the options in the adult womens section AIN’T IT, SIS. Thank you. This has been Erin’s Fashion Corner.)

It wasn’t too notable in there, but the stall doors were mildly entertaining.

I came back to the table to see that Chooch now had an ice cream sandwich, all ready to go in a plastic container. He said he was going to take it with him and “eat it later” in the car but then had it 90% devoured on the one block walk back to our car, so.

What a great experience! I would hang out there all the time if I lived in Grand Rapids and had friends.

“You have us,” Henry said.

“Yeah as I was saying, if I had friends,” I re-emphasized.

Hilariously, we still didn’t get back to the dumb hotel until around midnight and the best part was that the ROOM KEY DIDN’T WORK ANYMORE so we had to wait for Henry to go back to the lobby and get it fixed, which was awesome because you know how when you’re past the point of regular exhaustion, your body starts to feel twitchy and like bugs are crawling inside your skin? Yeah, that was us Sunday night, waiting for the GODDAMN ROOM KEY.

It’s just been “July 4th” for me for several years now – just some rando’ day we get off work, yay. Nothing to celebrate unless you’re proud to be part of a nation of mass shootings, a nation that puts guns and fetuses over people, a nation that hates women, a nation with enough types of racism, prejudice, and homophobia that Crayola could create a new box of crayons with an ugly-ass shade for each.

I want to say something like “I wish I could back to a time when I was ignorant to how shitty America is and was able to celebrate the 4th of July the way commercials and extremely biased text books told me to” but really, I wish I knew back then what I know now.

ANYWAYZZZZZZZZZZ.

(Speaking of Wayzzzz, I got to be in control of Henry’s Waze while he was driving over the weekend and why oh why (oh did I ever leave Ohio – sorry, there’s my Back to the Beach quoting tic acting up again) is it so relentlessly funny to me to comment “Stan <insert any Kpop group here>” on traffic alerts?! Forever Fifteen over here.)

This was our last day in Michigan, and I was stoked because Jessi & Bill were available to meet us for breakfast before we headed out!

Chooch already didn’t want to pose for this but as I was taking it, I shouted, “MOMMY’S BIG BOY NEXT TO BIG BOY!” and he pretty much wanted to smash himself inside that hamburger and let Big Boy masticate him.

You guys, I took a picture this time!

Breakfast was fun! We don’t have any Big Boys left in Pittsburgh (that I know of, anyway) so it was fun being back in one. I got to tell the table about how Big Boy was the catalyst to my becoming a serial pen paller in the late 80’s/90’s (Henry has probably heard this story a dozen times at this boiling point in our relationship but he sat there quietly and indulged me). Back in the 80s, the Big Boy’s kids menu was its own separate entity. None of that getting a tiny after thought in the regular menu, kids got what was essentially an activity book with food offerings sprinkled in there somewhere between animal facts and a word search.

But on the back, that’s where it really got cookin’. Kids could submit their names and addresses for penpal purposes!! This was huge! I was always so excited to go to Big Boy so I could collect more kids to write to. Granted back then, our exchanges didn’t go much deeper than HI HOW ARE YOU IT IS RAINING HERE TODAY GOTTA GO TIME FOR DINNER! But it was an excuse to go to Kmart and buy Lisa Frank stationary! (I would later upgrade to better stationary stores, don’t you worry.) To this day, I associate Pirates baseball games with summer nights, laying on the floor of the living room and writing QUALITY CONTENT on unicorn’d paper while my dad watched the game on TV and summer bug sounds droned in from the window screens.

I REALLY miss the 80s a lot. Like, everyday a lot.

Eventually, Big Boy published MY name and address in one of the menus! It was like, my crowning glory as a youth. Maybe even greater than winning first place in a coloring contest in Mrs. Zombek’s 1st grade class.

(I hung on to that for YEARS….)

(….and clearly am still clinging.)

Eventually I graduated to the “cool teen years” of penpalling, where one would order address labels that would also include pertinent penpal-attracting stats, like your age and a hobby or two. I had one set that I remember vividly probably because I’m pretty sure I still have some and must have recently uncovered them, but they had Marvin the Martian on them (inexplicably – I was never actually into that??), said that I played tennis, and NO PREPS OR POSERS PLZ.

I mean, duh.

These came in handy for sticking inside SLAM BOOKS, which were tiny booklets started by one person who would put their info in it, send it on to one of their penpals who would also add something, and etc etc etc until the last page would get filled and that person was responsible for sending it back to the creator. I *lived* for these.

All of this was just the gateway to the real BIG BOY (not sorry) of penpalling, which was PRISONER PENPALS. Man, those were the days (as I shuffle through today’s mail and see that my death row pen pal has written to me).

Where am I going with this. Help me, I’m trapped in my head again.

OK I face-slapped myself back to present day. After our waitress asked us for the 57th time if we needed anything else, we felt that perhaps it was time to get rolling before she came back with the lunch specials.

I was overly excited that Big Boy had Korean won on their wall! Chooch actually pointed it out first, ugh, gotta give credit where credit’s due, I suppose.

I wanted to try and snag a stranger to take a full group photo for us but literally no one was coming or going. So Henry was all, “OH DARN, I GUESS I WILL JUST DO IT.”

Jessi & Bill are literally on the super short list of my favorite people of all time, no exaggeration, and I am so happy that we got to spend some time with them. I was sad to leave BUT they said that they might be able to come to the pie party (oh shit did I tell you, dear blog, that we’re having a pie party again after five years?? More later) in September so I’m not allowing myself to get too emo over here.

My favorite thing about them is that they’re not just friends of mine and Henry’s – they’re Chooch’s friends too! They have been in his life since he was like, 2, and he freaking adores them so much. Plus, they brought out his pleasant side all weekend and he was willingly telling stories and just being overall decent. I wanted to scream out, “There’s the Chooch I know and love!”

Don’t worry, as soon as we pulled out of the Big Boy parking lot, he was suffocated by all of our annoying traits and general parent-ness, so all was righted in our world again.

Sigh.

Jessi sent me their versions of some of the photos taken on Saturday and I’m cracking up because I hadn’t originally noticed the sign that says NOBODY PUTS BABY ON A UNICORN!!

OMG I loved this store and this day so much.

LITERALLY THE BEST PEOPLE YOU WILL EVER MEET.

Then we drove home with very little drama – no big fights, etc. Even though the three of us in a hotel room is usually cramped hell and I am dying for personal space fifteen minutes in, I really love our road trips so much. I’m glad that Henry was so agreeable when I was like, “Hey we should visit Jessi and Bill, and oh yeah, while we’re at it, we could also just pop right on up to Michigan’s Adventure…” and by “pop right on up” I mean drive an additional 3.5 hours, but sure why not!

Look forward to the Michigan’s Adventure recap here soon, or don’t! Dread it, even! I don’t care!

(Just kidding, I do care. I want everyone to look forward to my dumb blog posts. Wah.)

Hello from Romulus, Michigan! That’s where are hotel is but we spent most of Saturday with our good pals that we haven’t seen since…2018???…Bill & Jessi at their house in Westland.

Just for perspective, Jessi gave me a photo of Bill & Chooch from the first time we met them IRL:

I think this was 2008?? Pretty sure Chooch was 2!

PARDON THE TYPOS: I’m writing this in the car, FYI

The drive up was rather uneventful – it only takes about 4 hours and it went by pretty fast surprisingly!

We got to Bill & Jessi’s around 1pm, hung out with their canine crew – Mabel, Zeke, and Priscilla! – and then went to lunch at Red Apple, my only request! They took us here twice in the past and I just really imprinted on the unchanged 1970s dark wood paneled interior.

I realized as we were paying that I didn’t take any pictures while we were there! No photographical evidence of my grilled cheese or the super ingenious table divider that can be lowered if you want to join the booth next to you (I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!) because I was too busy explaining NCT to Jessi and internally exploding with excitement over hanging out with them again after all this time!

Never passes up the toy machines.

True words!

Then we went to Ypsilanti, which I’ve never been to before and didn’t even know how to pronounce until yesterday. We went to a street that had some cool shops and sort of had a Pittsburgh’s Southside vibe. There was so much I wanted to buy at the Unicorn store but settled on a furry shark journal – really stoked about it because I have been wanting to start journaling again and now I have a good reason.

I regret not asking someone else to take this so that Jessi could have gotten in this one with us – I failed to take a single of them and Bill yesterday! I am off my social snaps game, thanks COVID.

Oh god, when Jessi said I would love the Rocket, they were not kidding. I wanted everything!! I settled on a bunch of candy (they had salty Dutch licorice!) and a telephone-shaped purse that has a WORKING HANDSET! It connects via Bluetooth to your cell phone. Henry was so terrified when I found the locked case of novelty purses but I eventually wore him down (my wallet was in the car!) and he “let” me buy it.

Even Bill was like “WHAT THAT IS AMAZING” upon learning that it could be used as a real phone. Henry needs to lighten up and find his joy I think.

I was annoyed though because they had BTS Funko pop figures or whatever and I was like DO U SEE WHAT I MEAN, EVEN HERE! because we had been bitching to Bill earlier about how BTS has ruined a lot of the fun for us. Bill understood and validated my borderline hipster breakdown because it’s happened to him too obviously with other music though! And same with me too, for example Henry and I saw Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance when they played reallllly small venues and now you hear their music at like, sporting events basically.

ACTUALLY one time a few summers ago I was walking past our baseball stadium and heard BTS playing there!! Ugh I had forgotten about that and now I’m annoyed all over again lol.

Accidentally stumbled upon a rock store which had me tempted to start collecting again like I used to in elementary school when the mall had a dork store and my grandma let me buy this starter collectors box of rocks and I was all in for a few weeks like YEAH BOY I COLLECT ROCKS NOW but then never added to it.

Anyway, there was so much I wanted to buy here! And they have staff on hand to turn anything you buy into custom jewelry and that was ultra appealing to me but of course I didn’t see then sign on the door until we leaving. Meanwhile, Henry sat in a chair by the door and gave no fucks whatsoever about Chooch’s and my cries of “buy this for me!” echoing across the store. He is literally the worst.

Whatever the rest of us had a grand time touching every single rock for sale.

Next door was a new age-y shop where Jessi bought tarot cards and Chooch was looking for a Sobek statue and being generally weird and getting uncomfy over the Mother Earth statue.

I told him I wasn’t buying him anything because his room is a pig sty and whatever we bought him would just be usurped by clutter anyway.

Then we went down the road to Depot Town for some oddity store action (I wanted a Slimer painting but it was $1100 and I’m not that much of an art connoisseur; I settled for $10 sunglasses instead) and dinner at Maiz!

The chips & salsa were muy bueno! I dunno if that’s right but I can say it in Korean with more confidence upon request.

Probably bitching about his bike. Chooch is always having bike issues his whole life no matter what bike it is and always blames the bike or Henry even though it’s clear to the viewers at home that this is a CHOOCH PROBLEM.

Vegetarian trio of tacos! Everyone was stuffed afterward but I whispered psychically to myself, “I could go for some ice cream, shrug.”

After dinner, we parted ways so that we could check into our dumb hotel in Romulus and get screwed over at Dunkin’ (they had no cold brew or iced coffee – I hate mobile ordering because it never tells you that!) and then went back to Bill & Jessi’s for some puppy playtime and Jackbox action.

Henry is the worst at games. His name was just “Henry” because he is uninspired. My name was Taemin’s Unni ;)

We played for hours and it was a hilarious time but also alarming when I realized how inappropriately genius some of Chooch’s contributions were. I mean, the first time he ever played Cards Against Humanity was also at Bill & Jessi’s and I think he was like 7 or 8 so he learned early at how to be the absolute worst human when playing these types of games lol.

We called it a night at midnight because we have three hours of driving this morning to get us to Michigan’s Adventure, otherwise I’d have guzzled another cup of coffee and settled in for more opportunities to be repulsively irreverent, my forte.

We are going to meet up with them again tomorrow morning for breakfast before we leave and I am going to have to make sure some group picture action happens at that time because I clearly shit the bed on that yesterday!

I’m one of those people who suffer through buyer’s remorse with the littlest of purchases. The number of times I’m returning items of clothing that I could technically consider a necessity but also regret spending the money on is actually quite ridiculous – ask Henry, he’s the one who always gets stuck making the return lol.

But with concerts, I’m always willing to make the splurge. I do have to be pickier with Kpop though because seeing kpop shows ALWAYS involves a road trip. Pittsburgh sucks. Unless it’s a Korean classic rock band, then maybe Pittsburgh would book them. Because I live in a shit city, there have been tons of kpop concerts I’ve sadly had to pass on (like Twice – I would have loved to have seen them again since I only saw them briefly at KCON 2018!). And I have been admittedly also holding out bigtime for NCT127 to announce a US tour (I mean, congrats on the DOME TOUR guys that’s fucking amazing but can you come back to the US next please??) because I am prepared for them to TAKE IT ALL.

However, I haven’t seen a Kpop concert since November 2019 (Super M!!!) and have only been to one other non-kpop concert since COVID Days.  So I got tired of waiting and made the unilateral decision to buy tickets for me and Henry to see Stray Kids in Newark.

The tour had originally sold out pretty quickly but another Newark date was added so we got tickets for that one – and even then, it was slim pickings and exorbitantly priced even for our so-so seats. But I have genuinely liked Stray Kids since their debut (saw them at KCON 2018 too) and honestly had zero REGERTZ after completing the transaction. In fact, it was the opposite – I felt light and GIDDY.

And as it got closer to the date, I felt even more giddy! I forgot how fantastic kpop concert anticipation is! Chooch had the opinion of taking the second ticket but when he learned that the show was in Newark, he said, “Nope. I’m good.”

Because Newark sucks. Hard. Almost every Kpop concert I’ve gone to has been there, ugh.

We ate dinner nearby at Urban Vegan and then walked over to the Prudential Center where an unorganized frenzy of lines had already formed. Henry was like WHAT IS THIS and I was like “welcome to Kpop concerts, Gramps!” It wasn’t nearly as bad as KCON at least, where Chooch and I were seriously afraid we’d miss the start of the show because it took so fucking long to get inside. This wasn’t MUCH better though because people were just crawling through security, literally acting like it was a lazy walk along the bayou and not an obstacle to overcome before getting inside the arena. OMG, the shit that people try to bring in, like sis – you’re going to a concert not a goth sleepaway camp! Leave the spikes and backpacks full of WHO KNOWS WHAT in the car??

I mean, staff was walking up and down the sidewalk when we were still outside, yelling out everything that wouldn’t be permitted inside, and yet —

Anyway! We eventually got through because I didn’t have a purse and Henry left his spiked collar in the hotel.

Then we stood in line for merch and made friends with the people around us. Everyone kept trying to look behind the curtain into the seating area because there was all kinds of screaming happening and us seasoned fans were like “they are definitely not on stage yet” because it wasn’t 7:30 yet (name a big concert that actually starts on time) and the fact that the screaming was happening in waves told me that they were probably just flashing photos of Stray Kids on the screens to get the crowd stoked. I was not falling for this fire drill because I wanted to buy a T-shirt before they sold out just like the lightsticks!

Made it to our seats about 15 minutes before the show started. Everyone around us was grand. No beef with any of my section mates!

Our view wasn’t too bad considering we were trying to be somewhat frugal! Oddly, no one in the rows below us stood up not even once, so Henry The Old was super into that.

I posted this picture on Instagram and someone was like “sorry Henry didn’t have fun” and first of all, he did though? Well, as much fun as his Old Man Heart allows him to have. But second of all, there is literally no band in the entire world that will elicit any type of happy, energetic, exuberant reaction from Henry. He is HENRY ROBBINS, King of Showing Nothing. President of the Frowning Nations. Leader of the Ambivalent Army.

(Not BTS Army lol fuck outta here.)

As expected, they opened with Maniac and I was SUPER STOKED! The relentless screams around me were giving me so much life and energy and being under the same roof as these 8 stupidly talented guys had me losing my mind!

Whatever these blow-up leg thingies were, they were extremely startling! I didn’t even notice them being blown up!

I was internally exploding when they performed God’s Menu!!!! I really think this is my fave SKZ jam.

Literally the only “uhhhh” part of the whole evening was when they left the stage and it was “GAME TIME” – a video played on the screens and anytime the camera landed on someone in the crowd, they had to replicate whatever pose one of the Stray Kids was making in a picture. That part alone had me wishing I had a big hat to hide under, but the second game was even worse because it was a CHOREO game and I was like HOLY SHIT IF THIS FUCKING CAMERA LANDS ON MY UNCOORDINATED ASS, ISTG….while at the same time I was praying for it to choose Henry, lol. We both made it out unscathed, thank god. Henry was like I DO NOT LIKE THIS ONE BIT and I was like WELCOME TO KPOP WHERE YOU’RE EXPECTED TO ENGAGE AND PARTICIPATE. There was a very small window in my life where I would have been ok with this, and that was probably ages 14-19.

So…standard kpop stan age, haha.

Henry’s review of the Stray Kids concert: He was surprised that he knew most of the songs but only knew the names of the songs if they put it on the screen, he thought that they talked too much (lol that’s every Kpop concert, Gramps!), and he thought someone else was Felix (the only member he knows) until halfway thru the show 😂

He looks blank in all these pictures but he swears he “watched it all” and that it was “good.” His favorite song is Thunderous and he insists on singing the wrong lyrics in spite of my corrections, like a total dad. 😆

Anyway, this was a big deal because as I previously mentioned, usually when I go to Kpop concerts, Chooch goes with me and Henry just drops us off and sleeps in the car or explores the local grocery stores of whatever city we’re in, haha. Henry does like Stray Kids but is not really into the concert aspect of this lifestyle so it was kind of a big deal to get him to go.

There was another dad in the row in front of us. I asked Henry afterward if it looked like he was having fun and Henry cried, “He left for like a full hour!”

I’ve never been great at remembering the set list but I looked it up and this seems accurate for any Stays out there who desperately need to know:

1. MANIAC
2. VENOM
3. Red Lights (THIS KILLED ME DEAD, HOLY SHIT, THE ROPES!)
4. Easy
5. ALL IN
6. District 9
7. Charmer
8. Back Door
9. Lonely St.
10. B Me
11. Side Effects
12. Thunderous
13. DOMINO
14. God’s Menu (THIS MIGHT BE MY #1 BUT IT’S SO HARD TO CHOOSE)
15. CHEESE (SOOOO INTO THIS PERFORMANCE LOL)
16. YAYAYA
17. ROCK
18. Waiting For Us
19. Muddy Water
20. Silent Cry
21. Hellevator
22. TOP
23. Scars
24. Double Knot
25. TA
26. Victory Song
27. MIROH (THIS SONG IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE “GIVE ME FIVE THAILAND” KPOP WORKOUT ROUTINES!)
28. Star Lost
29. Haven

I know I’m missing crucial information but I will come back and edit this as needed. I just really wanted to get it off my plate while it was still fresh from the oven that is MUH MIND and also because we’ll be gone all weekend. I’m really trying to be better at writing in this thing in a timely manner instead of waiting like 3 weeks to recap a trip to an amusement park or whatever.

The only bad part of this whole day was afterward when we had to STAND IN DOWNTOWN NEWARK for nearly an hour trying to get a Lyft or Uber back to the hotel. But other than that, what a beautiful night. I didn’t even hate our hotel room. And now I stan SKZ even harder and would certainly consider myself a legit Stay at this point!

Dude the *only* thing I cared about at this park was the RM, Wicked Cyclone. I was keeping my expectations at like, waist level I would say. This isn’t an RMC that the enthusiasts rank very high in their RMC Glory List but listen Linda: even the worst RMC is better than most other coasters. You have to believe me on this. So maybe this isn’t the Iron Gwazi of New England, but I was still gonna stuff my ass in a seat and appreciate the motherfucking ride.

The line was not long at all, and at a park with good ops, I would guestimate that it was about a 20 minute wait. They had two trains running and the ride duration was not very long. So the line should have moved quickly. But oh FOR THE LOVE, the ops here were excruciatingly slow, like literally crawling. The ride crew was straight up meandering about the station, and it was just such a slap to the face of RMC. This park clearly doesn’t appreciate the glorious mass of I-box tracks that is Wicked Cyclone. Give it to Kennywood. (Well….maybe.)

If you’ve ever ridden Steel Vengeance or even Twisted Timbers, you know that the ride operations on RMCs are TIGHT and STRICT. They don’t let you bring anything on the ride, there are no loose article bins on the platform. You go through a metal detector. They tell you repeatedly not to pull your own restraint down –  they will do it themselves. There’s even a screen  that counts how long each dispatch takes. The whole process is INTENSE AND EFFICIENT.

It was the total opposite of that on this one, lol.

But, we finally got our back row ride! Which promptly ended at the bottom of the lift hill, lol. Luckily, an evac wasn’t necessary but if we had to, it wouldn’t have been too scary since we hadn’t really gone anywhere yet. I didn’t really pay attention to how long we were stopped but it was probably somewhere between 5-10 minutes. They got us up and running pretty quickly and I was lowkey excited to have been stuck on RMC. Weird flex?

OK, honest opinion? DANG ya’ll. This little RMC was FUN. It exceeded my expectations too – not nearly as forceful as SteVe but maybe more along the lines of Storm Chaser at Kentucky Kingdom? It still had the crazy elements but the way it took them was almost GRACEFUL. Yeah, I’m a fan.

We only rode it twice since ops were so fucking abysmal, plus it seemed to break down frequently (like when we were in line for what could have been our second ride). The line never really got any longer than it was the first time we rode it but damn, Six Flags, get your shit together. You need to train your Wicked Cyclone crew accordingly if they’re going to be working on an elite coaster.

I would have loved to have gotten a night ride but the park closed at 8 and we clear on the other side of it when it was nearing time to leave. :(

Aside from that, I would say the lowest point of the day aka the most ridiculously long wait was for the fucking rapids ride which we only rode because it was after Wicked Cyclone broke down and it was right there. I’m fucking sorry, but when you even have shitty ops for the rapids ride, then you really should reevaluate what business you have being a part of the amusement industry because this was absolutely absurd and NO ONE was actively being amused.

We had to have been in that line for an hour and bitch I would never wait an hour for a water ride but that line did deceive me.

AND IT WASN’T EVEN THAT GOOD.

NO ONE GOT WET??

Plus, we were partnered with another group of 3 who came in from the Fast Lane line and the first fucking thing the dad said was, “Thank god for Fast Lane.” Yeah, how about fuck you.

OMG Chooch and I were so fucking miz.

Here we are mumbling, “Is he taking a picture, or…?”

Then we got right into another stupid-long line for Pandemonium, a family spinning coaster. Literally the dumbest rides had the longest lines. The line actually wasn’t TOO bad but not worth anything over 10 minutes, to be honest. Here we are waiting (Henry surprised us by saying he would ride it too!):

At one point in line, I caught Henry chuckling to himself. I put on my INQUISITION CAP and started firing away. He admitted that he was watching the Looney Tunes episode playing on the queue TVs and that he remembered watching it when he was a kid. Of course, Chooch and I took that as our invitation to mock him mercilessly. I literally can’t picture Henry being a kid and doing kid things. So, now we know that he:

• was a paper boy
• smoked trees
• watched Looney Tunes.

Crazy stuff.

Some guy in line said to Henry in passing, “Hey man, nice hat – that’s a sick ride!” about his Velocicoaster hat, so Henry said, “Yes, it is” and I was SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE. HENRY MADE CONTACT WITH ANOTHER MAN IN LINE FOR PANDEMONIUM.

Anyway, we finally got on the idiot ride and at the last possible second, some teenage girl  slid into the seat next to Chooch, making it incredibly awkward and also balancing the weight a bit so that our car didn’t spin at all, not even a single time.

What a waste.

Anyway, credit #231 for Chooch, big whoop. At least now it was time for ice cream!

There were numerous ice cream places around but I was insistent on getting a cone from BROWN DERBY because I liked the looks of it.

Nothing spectacular (they had a real fancy bubble waffle ice cream joint that I would have preferred but it was CLOSED) but it was like 85 degrees out so ice cream was essential.

Henry promised Chooch earlier in the day that he would ride the gigantically tall wave swinger thingie with him because that, along with drop towers and Pirate Ships, are the only things on my DO NOT RIDE list. I’ll ride the regular-height wave swingers but those skyscraper ones can go fuck themselves, to be quite frank.

I sat down on the plush Six Flags asphalt and played on my phone while waiting for them. Apparently there was some huge ordeal when a large group of teen boys blatantly cut the line so Henry was frantically on the app trying to report them while another guy was on hold with Six Flags also in an attempt to report them. I didn’t  know any of this until they got off the ride and filled me in, which made me laugh because only the exact number of riders per cycle was let onto the final part of the line at a time, and when one of the groups was being let onto that final stretch, it LEGIT sounded like a house party on foot. Like all this uproarious…hootin’ and hollarin’ lol. I turned and looked just as this gigantic group of teens spilled out onto the last part of the line and thought to myself, “wow these kids look like trouble with a capital T” because I’m a suburban housewife in a terrycloth robe, spying out the window with cold cream on my face.

This is who I am now.

Anyway, I was cracking up when Chooch and Henry were telling me this because while those kids were in that last part of the line, one of their buddies ran up the exit path and tried to cut with them, but they WOULDN’T LET HIM! They were like “no sir, you gotta get in that line way back there.” What hypocrites!!! Oh, this was so funny to me.

Here’s Henry and Chooch, finally in the next group to go on! People were annoying me so much while I was sitting down there, and by people I mean a young brother and sister recklessly playing with a ball that “some stranger” gave them while their mom only casually supervised from way far away under a tree. They were such brats! Actually, the girl reminded me of myself because she had very strict rules laid out for whatever game they were playing (literally,  they were just kicking the ball back and forth it seemed) and she was growing more and more furious every time things didn’t go her way.

Finally the mom came over and started yelling at them and then she confiscated the ball and started dribbling it so the boy sneered, “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY” and she glowered with indignance, “Excuse me! I played basketball for two years in high school!”

Wow. Lol.

Anyway, she had HAD it with these brat-kids and told them that as SOON AS DADDY AND OTHER KID get off the swings WE’RE GOING HOME.

OK bitch, but you better follow through.

Little cutie I saw while waiting! ^^^^

CAN YOU SEE THEM lol.

Then we rode this Super Girl thing that was fun but the people in line in front of us were so obnoxious. Like, super loud adults being extremely touchy (a guy and girl kept playfully slapping each other super hard and it was driving me nuts) and one of the guys talked in a Donald Duck voice for a solid 5 minutes while his crew cracked up and I was like, “No, guy, that ain’t it” and actually told Chooch at one point that I was going to exit the line.

Like I could picture myself doing it in dramatic fashion, swan-diving into a somersault, rolling out onto the midway and coming to a stop at Henry’s feet.

But no, I stayed and endured. I knew that the line wouldn’t be that long because the ride cycles were short and we were due to be on the next one anyway.

My favorite part was the ride operator repeated numerous times over the speaker, “PLEASE DO NOT PULL DOWN ON THE RESTRAINTS; THEY WILL COME DOWN ON THEIR OWN” but the two dumb bitches in front of me who were a part of the ANNOYING HORDE, stuffed their asses in their seats and IMMEDIATELY wrenched down on the restraints.

DUMB-ASS-ES.

Then the ride operator came around to check everyone’s restraints and when he got to me, he LOOKED ME DEAD IN THE EYES, SMILED AND SAID, “Enjoy your ride” and I swear I did not hear him saying this to anyone else!!! Of course, he killed the mood when he tacked on “ma’am” at the end, but I will take it.

The park was now in the final hour by this point. Since we were already over by this side, I suggested that we ride that damn Joker freespin coaster again and Chooch was SHOCKED but the line was almost non-existent so I thought WHY THE HELL NOT. Turns out, we had a REALLY good ride and even though it was fucking horrifying, I got off the thing and admitted that maybe I was coming around to the concept of the 4D freespins.

People change. It’s called GROWTH, ya’ll.

Also got one last walk-on on Batman, and then made it to the carousel IN THE NICK OF TIME. Chooch was super thrilled.

Then we were tasked with the long walk back to the parking lot, where some young guy (19? 20?) was raging against his two friends over some incident that apparently occurred and he kept trying to push his one friend into a fence and the friend was trying furiously to restrain him in return. It was actually really scary to witness especially when the friend had to flat out bodyslam the guy in the middle of the parking lot to get him to stop trying to fight and the other friend (a girl) was screaming THAT’S ENOUGH and then walked away. The Mad Guy kept screaming about something that happened and how “no one there gave a shit” so was it work-related? School-related? I don’t know but I hope that nothing escalated later or the next day.

It was actually scary.

On the way out, Chooch was like I AM DOING A MOBILE TACO BELL ORDER and Henry was like “ok great” and then they fought over which Taco Bell location he should use, which is always fun. Then we got to the Taco Bell and there were like 8 cars in front of us, and I swear to god it was a longer wait than any coaster we rode that day at Six Flags. Like an hour. An actual hour sitting in a drive-thru, and then the order was all jacked up because it was two fucking stoners working in there alone and they gave Chooch all meat-items in his whatever-box and by this point, I was starving too but it was almost 10PM so I did my pouty baby sulking thing where I was like “JUST FORGET IT, IT’S TOO LATE TO EAT, I’LL JUST GO TO BED.”

Ugh, it was so annoying. Fucking Taco Bell.

The end.

Six Flags usually leaves a bad taste in my mouth – it’s kind of like the Walmart of amusement parks, if you know what I mean. Super commercial, totally tired DC theming, coaster clones, overpriced food…with the exception of Six Flags Great Escape in the Adirondacks, I’ve never left a Six Flags singing about how beautiful it was, etc. All of this is to say that Six Flags New England would normally not be a must-do, go-outta-my-way park for me….

EXCEPT…

It has an RMC.

We have a Six Flags membership (I know, totally negates everything I said there, Mary, Mary…) and this place is situated just over the border from Connecticut so it only ends up being about a 6ish hour drive. (I think that’s what it was and I don’t feel like looking it up again.) It seemed like a good option for Memorial Day Weekend because we wanted to go somewhere new but not too far.

I was NERVOUS because 1) holiday weekend; 2) Six Flags.

But yo! It wasn’t that crowded! We got there when it opened and Chooch and I proceeded to walk on THREE COASTERS: Joker (a 4D free-spin which usually has super long lines because it’s a GP fave), Batman (B&M floorless), and HENRY’S FIRST VEKOMA SLC – Riddler’s Revenge.

My initial impression was that it felt like a Six Flags (ugly concrete jungle with little cosmetic landscaping, etc) and the ops were slow AF, but the ride operators themselves were pretty personable and fun. But, slow AF in most cases.

Also, Henry fucking hated the SLC as expected. These coasters are bastards and full of design flaws and I typically hate them too but this one had me cracking up so hard that I thought I was going to pee myself. Maybe it was just because I was sitting behind Henry and had a great side-view of each grimace and flinch.

I guarantee that Chooch is in the process of Googling “ugliest/most annoying Crocs that cost too much $$$.” Because we had to hear about those fucking stupid carrot Crocs all weekend and he literally RAN TO THE MALL when we came home from the weekend and bought them. Jesus Christ, calm down, carrot feet.

Anyway, this was in line for the piece of shit Arkham wild mouse ride which ended up being the worst one I’ve ever ridden. I know I JUST said that I hate DC theming but I guess it’s Contrary Day because I loved that each car was themed to a different DC idiot and the ride operator would base his “goodbye” on which one was next. Like for the Penguin, he’d be all, “Enjoy your ride. Waddle waddle waddle.”

One of the cars was named after some Croc DC person that I have never even heard of and now I just felt like the dumb shoes were bullying me.

Henry made a huge deal of hoping that we got the Two Face car because of me and I was like, “Calm down, bro, dang.”

Anyway, we had to split up between two cars because even though they’re 4-seaters, only 2 adults are allowed to ride in each one? And Chooch’s size puts him in the ADULT CATEGORY. He and I had already boarded our car and Henry got practically clotheslined by the ride attendant who told him he had to wait for the next one….

…which was TWO-FACE lololol. And he had to ride ALONE!

But yeah – this ride is a killer. I thought my wrist was going to break from trying in vain to brace myself from being flung around like a ragdoll. Had to buy this ride photo, obvs.

Superman: THE RIDE. There are like 3 of these in the country I think? It’s an Intamin hyper. We’ve been on the one at Six Flags America in Maryland, which I know for sure is a clone of the one at Six Flags Darien Lake (aka the Worst Flags) and I think this one in New England is also a clone. Anyway, we had to wait for a whole whopping 15 minutes and Chooch was like losing his shit over that. Calm down, Carrot.

This ride was soooo rough so I was NOT upset when the line for it grew consistently longer as the day went on because I was for sure not looking forward to any re-rides. Even Chooch was like, “I’m good.”

My review was, “Wow, Intamin has come a long way.”

We then rode Wicked Cyclone, which you can see back there in the distance, but I will talk about that later!!

We ate at Hotheads, which is like Subway but for Mexican food. I was so happy about this because I was able to make a meatless rice bowl and it was GOOD. Usually my options at these places are pizza or REALLY BAD veggie burgers (and that’s if I’m lucky). So I was stoked on Hot Heads. Would recommend. (Not part of the meal plan though, apparently, if that matters to you.)

Chooch may be too old for a lot of things these days, but posing with characters is not one of them.

Thunderbolt is an ACE landmark.

The ops were sooooo slow on this! First of all, the restraint locks are all manual so the ride attendants had to walk to each set of cars and step down on the release so the exiting of the train was painstakingly slow. And they were only running one train. So even though the line didn’t seem that long, it crawled and we stood in it for a good 45 minutes. This was frustrating because the park itself didn’t seem to be too crowded!

Also, you can’t choose your own row and they reserve the last couple of rows for Fast Lane, so we took our seat in the middle and dealt with it. I truly didn’t even care and just wanted to get the whole thing over with at that point. Yes, this ride was a “classic” but it was also super forgettable.

Random non-DC theming.

I do like that one of their kiddie areas is themed to Looney Tunes.

Here are some pictures of Chooch getting that kiddie cred!

OK Sam, stay tuned for Part 2 which will probably be as yawn-inducing as Part 1 – I mean, we had fun but nothing too notable happened, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing!

I didn’t liveblog on the drive home from Massachusetts (well, technically Connecticut I guess – the Six Flags park we went to was like RIGHT across the border from Connecticut, and our hotel was in Connecticut) because who cares. You mostly just missed copious stops at gas stations.

HOWEVER. I would like to talk about LUNCH. My body was like, “KNOCK KNOCK, give us veg-stuffs.” So I found a place near Scranton called NearMe Cafe (dumb name), in a town called MOOSIC (best name) which is also a yoga studio and that kind of turned me off for a second, but the reviews were raving and they had not just smoothie bowls, but various Buddha bowls and I was really in the mood to give my body what it wanted.

You know, because it’s my temple, etc. etc.

We walked into straight chaos. I actually thought we used the wrong door, because it was almost like walking straight into the kitchen, but no, that’s just how this joint is set up. Ya gotta walk past all the workers firing up the blenders before you can take a seat.

It may have been a bit of pandemonium, but the people there were awesome. I loved our server so much—when Chooch, who was pouting for some inexplicable reason, declared in a huff that he wasn’t hungry and didn’t want anything, she was so cool about it and didn’t pressure him. “OK, you can always add something on to the order later if you change your mind!” and I was so happy that this didn’t faze her because he has pulled this shit before in his younger years where he won’t order anything in some strange effort to punish us or something.

M-O-O-D-Y.

Oh, speak of the moody devil.

Anyway!!! I didn’t take a picture of my food because some fucking INFLUENCER-type girl came barreling in with her boyfriend and sat facing me and I swear I could feel her judgey eyes on me the whole time. I didn’t want her making a TikTok of That Old Lady Fakeluencer taking pictures of her lunch for her 500 Instagram followers to not care about. But I got the BEET BUDDHA BOWL which was quinoa, beets, strawberries, goat cheese, coconut, and honey. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK my taste buds because they will never be the same now. It was divine. The perfect marriage of sweet and savory. My stomach was so pleased with my decision.

Henry got a buffalo chicken wrap. Who cares. Not me. Definitely not the INFLUENCER.

The bathroom was nice!

Meanwhile, Henry and I had finished eating and Chooch heard someone behind me order the almond joy smoothie bowl so now SUDDENLY he wanted food. “I’ll just get it to go,” he said, somehow making such a simple statement sizzle with surliness.

So while his bowl was being prepped (the server was super pleased that he decided to get something, btw) we went and checked out the store section of the building which was Henry’s idea and he quickly reGERRTed it because there were tons of things I wanted. He’s lucky that I was feeling modest with my money in that moment and only bought a HAMBURGER PURSE and a ring, plus a Samanco-shaped cat toy for Drew and Penelope.

I DID NOT PLAN THIS.

Later, we stopped at this gas station by some town called FISHERMAN’S PARADISE (?!). Henry said he believes we have been at one of these before (maybe even the same one?!).

My first impression was WOW did BTS rip off their font/logo for Butter?! And then also got the inspiration to name their album 7?!

“It’s all coming together,” Henry said in faux-solidarity while I was screaming SHOULD WE REPORT THEM TO RUTTER’S FOR INFRINGEMENT?

I mean, they’ve plagiarized in the past, so.

Anyway, my second impression was that HEY RUTTER’S, NICE BATHROOM! Very nice, clean and modern. Loved that for…me.

I rejoined Henry in the store as he was filling up at the iced tea station.

“Clean bathrooms and Pet Shop Boys is playing? Love this place.” But before I could make the final call, I said, “Let’s see how their coffee is.”

But when I went to the screen to order, they didn’t have non-dairy options! So I said NON-THANKS, screamed, and left.

Ok I didn’t scream but I really was appalled. It’s 2022!! (Ugh I almost typed 2020, who even knows the year anymore.)

Henry doesn’t care about that so he thinks this place is just fine. Also, he sneezed REALLY annoyingly as we walked back to the bathrooms and I just lost it. His sneezes are either super bombastic like they’re trying to get the attention of the military to be used as sonic weapons, or they’re real high-pitched and whiny-sounding because he’s trying to muffle the ear-splitting sound I guess, I dunno.

I yelled, “if I knew your sneezes sounded like this when we first met, it would have been a DEAL BREAKER” as I shoved open the door to the womens room UGH!!!

The last notable thing that occurred was that we stopped at some custard place about 90 minutes or so from Pgh called The Meadows I think and I was so fucking pissed because the menu was posted inside a TINTED GLASS WINDOW so we could barely see it but even worse was that it was hanging right above a bench that two older people were sitting on, tonguing away at their custards in silence, staring at us while we tried in vain to read the menu and not have our knees touch their knees because THAT IS HOW CLOSE WE NEEDED TO GET IN ORDER TO SEE THE MENU. These assholes would not take the social cue and scoot over so we could visually access the damn custard chart, FUCK.

I was so mad about this that when Henry asked the girl at the window for the daily flavors (“WE CAN’T SEE THE MENU,” I said in a loud and passive aggressive manner), I told him to order first and then when the girl asked, “Is that all?” Henry looked at me and I said – now switching to my SULKING MANNER – that I didn’t want anything.

I could tell Henry was pissed because he hates when I “pull that shit,” but I’m sorry, those people RUINED MY LIFE. I stalked back to the car while Henry waited for his dumb cup of custard, and then when he got in the car, Chooch immediately started mimicking the loud way he was slurping the custard off the spoon, so Henry got PISSED OFF: SUPER-CHARGED EDITION, started the car and thrust the cup at me to hold so he could drive. I took a small spoonful (he got black cherry vanilla) and said, “This is good. I’ll just have all of it, thanks.”

And I did too. I ate it all.

Then we got home around 6pm. The end.

I was looking for something that we could do Sunday morning to kill time since Six Flags doesn’t open until 11 and OH BOY-O did I find just the thing!

Apparently, there is a place called Stanley Park a few miles away from Six Flags and the reason why this is relevant to my interests is because it’s known for having a large population of BLACK SQUIRRELS. Seems that some dude in the 40s was gifted with several black squirrels from Africa or something?!

This place is referred to as Black Squirrel Town on Roadside America and there even used to be a local store where you could by souvenirs but now it’s online only, I guess.

Obviously we needed to go here, and Chooch suggested that we grab breakfast sandwiches to eat there. (Actually, that’s already what I had wanted to do but you can’t even tell Chooch that you had the idea first, god forbid.)

So we went to some place called Baker and the Bean or something and it was a nice place! Someone working there mistook Chooch for someone in one of their classes so that was weird.

They had huge snickerdoodle cupcakes so we scooped one of those up to split between us.

It was ok! The icing was very thick and heavy cream cheese which was unexpected but not the worst.

Sat on a bench at Stanley Park and wolfed down our sandwiches (I only ate half because I was in such a hurry to see the squirrels!!) and then ran down a path into a wooded area where it was a SQUIRRELPALOOZA.

There were definitely black squirrels but way more Mr. Gray Guys. They were all running around and chirping at each other and for a second I was actually concerned that we might get attacked. It was like a wooded wonderland in this park though!!

Chooch has always been obsessed with geese and ducks so he was more into that portion of the wildlife free-for-all. These guys were so friendly! The geese in Pittsburgh are borderline aggressive. And that’s not even when there are babies around!

We spent about two hours here and it was worth every second – I could have easily spent more time in this wildlife paradise. The squirrels! The geese! The ducks! THE CHIPMUNKS!! I swear, we hadn’t seen chipmunks in Pgh for years and years it seemed but then started noticing them again within the last two years at the cemeteries – not in our neighborhood though. They are super scared of people though and zip past us with nary a shred of curiosity.

At this park though, we were basically stalked by the chipmunks! They kept running up to us waiting to be fed I guess. Henry went to the car to get change for the goose feed machines and found a lone peanut and some pieces of dehydrated strawberries and bananas.

(I kept telling Henry on the way there that we needed to stop and get peanuts or something but he was being a real STICK IN THE MUD* about it and kept mumbling excuses like, “We don’t even know if there are really going to be that many squirrels there.” OH OK so we only feed squirrels if there are…what, more than 5 of them? OK Cuz.)

I could never get my neighborhood Mr. Gray Guys to come this close to me! I wasn’t able to hand feed this babe, but he did get super close and kept hopping all around me until I finally just tossed a piece of banana to him.

But you guys, the chipmunks!! Chooch and I were both able to hand feed some and Chooch even got gently nibbled by one!

This picture sucks because Henry took it with his broken-ass phone, but here I am feeding a peanut to a chipmunk!! This might be “whatever” to a lot of people but I am animal-obsessed and have always been jealous of Snow White (lol), like I wish bluebirds flew around my head like a crown of flowers, etc.

Here please enjoy a boring video compilation I made:

On the way out, Chooch said, “Look there’s a lady reading a book in the rose garden. That could be you.”

TOTALLY! I would go there every god damn day if I lived in that area. It was IDYLLIC.

Oh! I forgot that one of the best parts was when Henry almost fell down the steps and then Chooch and I took copious liberties of reenacting it/mocking him.

It’s how we show our love.

Today, I went to the Black Squirrel website and bought a magnet!! I LOVE STANLEY PARK.

Hello from the car. We’re somewhere in PA still, around 10:15am, left the house at 8:00am. You missed nothing so far except for TWO SHEETZ STOPS obviously, one for breakfast items, one for peeing and snacks.

Here I am in the first Sheetz because I love their mirrors and wish I looked this stretched out IRL:

Spoiler: I do not look like this IRL. :( Also I look v. tired.

Music-wise, we’ve been on a Kang Daniel deep dive because he just dropped new music and I am OB-SESSED with the single Upside Down which I previously posted here the other day. I made the comparison to Phantogram’s “Fall In Love” and Henry was like “I DONT HEAR IT BUT OK” and then I was inspired to revisit my previous comparison of Kang Daniel’s “2U” to “X-French Tee Shirt” by Shudder To Think and this one really drove Henry off the deep end, and he said I’m crazy.

Just call me EK Crazy Ears I guess.

In the second Sheetz bathroom I accidentally used something called GOJO SOAP and it was terrible!!! It was some industrial paste shit to remove grease and paint from hands and it felt like I put gritty peanut butter on my skin, and it STANK.

I was traumatized by this and came out of the restroom with a dazed look on my face. When I told Henry about my latest trials and tribs, he started cracking up because apparently weird-ass Chooch loves that soap and was complaining that this Sheetz didn’t have any in the mens room.

Ugh.

In between all of this, Henry and I ranted to each other about America’s gun obsession, and I feel so frustrated, exhausted, enraged, and helpless. Henry suggested that these GOP/NRA motherfuckers won’t care until it happens to one of their kids….but even then, would they care? I have a hard time imagining these fucks as humans so to me, it doesn’t seem like it would matter even then. This country is so fucked. Every day it’s like, please let my kid just make it through high school without an active shooter situation, so that I can then worry about him making it through college without getting shot, or going to the movies, or the grocery store, or a concert, or a club.

But…at least all those fetuses will be protected. So that they can be born and promptly NOT protected. What a logical country we live in.

11:36am: BIG NEWS. We just stopped at a rest stop in Clinton County whatever that means and for some reason I felt inspired to get a coffee out of the machine because back in the summer of ’98 my friend Heather The Ken and I used to go in drives in the middle of the night to rest stops where it would be just us and truckers (soooooo fucking safe) and we’d go on vending machine sprees. I used to drink vended coffee all the time back then and felt like going to my 19-year-old roots.

It was a big deal.

I got a PREMIUM COFFEE with sugar & “lightener.”

I made Chooch take my picture and then he lectured me for being awkward.

When I declared that it was ok (after repeating “there are no lids” a hundred thousand times only for Henry to ask later “why didn’t you get a lid?”) Chooch decided that he would also take the plunge into the hot vending beverage pool and ordered a hot chocolate.

By this point, a LINE HAD FORMED for hot bevs!!

Ok by line I mean in this case just one old dude pictured above. No, not Henry – you went too far up. The guy in the picture right above this.

Mmmm. Monte Carlo, hold the lid.

Meanwhile, the regular beverage vending machine ate Henry’s money and he is in the process of lodging a complaint.

12:09pm: Normalize thinking Michael Bolton is an ok singer. (Spotify just recommended Said I Loved You But I Lied for my 여보 playlist which is an accurate rec actually.)

1:15pm: here are some boring-ass highway pictures. We’re near the Poconos with nary a HINT of romance.

2:06pm: finally in NY. Meanwhile chooch is doing some annoying CashApp thing and creating turmoil in the backseat. He made me download the app and I screamed THIS IS BITCOIN SHIT I DONT WANT IT and then Henry wanted to drop me off at a Texting / Rest area pull off. “It’s the Erin Drop Off Area,” he said like he’s so fucking cool.

2:24pm: Rest stop in NY.

Does Henry count as household garbage?

2:53pm: Henry just announced that we passed the Fishkill Correctional Center and I blurted out, “your butt’s a fish kill” and he mumbled, “you’re hilarious.”

IKNOWRIGHT.

3:57pm: What you missed: Henry whipping us around some town in Connecticut looking for a bathroom. It was action-packed. He screamed FUCK CONNECTICUT the whole time. It was great.

6:09pm: oh brother let me tell you. We just ate at ION vegan restaurant in Middlebury CT – like we specifically went there after I saw a review of it on YouTube – and it was DELECTABLE but I am so full and think that maybe I might be averse to chick peas now??

First, I want to tell you that this place had a STRONG 1990s vibe. I’m not sure how to explain it but it felt like a place that would have been popular in NYC in the 90s with like slam poetry night, but our waitress had a WHOLE 90s aesthetic. Tank top, daisy(ish?) ankle skirt, Doc Martens.

We got an order of corn bread for an appetizer. Holy shit. This was Biblical. What does that mean. I don’t know. But I feel like prophets would have sang about this sweet ass loaf.

Honestly, I could have just eaten this and been sent on my merry way, totally satisfied.

Our waitress was also super helpful and very personable- she walked through Chooch his decision of drink (chai latte) and entree (chickpea parm – which was also what I got!).

I don’t drink much anymore but I splurged and ordered the blueberry sage sangria that was on special:

And chooch’s chai ^^^

Breaking news: it’s 7:32 and we’re at some canal trail thing.

I threw a fit because Henry checked into the shit hole hotel and then expected to stay in for the night but I needed walked!!!

We saw an eagle fly out of its nest!!

Now we’re at the cem across from our shitty hotel:

Ok back to dinner recap!

Oh man, this was soooo good. I split it with Henry, who got the “cheeseburger” which was made from beets and mushrooms. I love it when places make their own veggie burgers rather than relying on Impossible, etc.

The only problem was that the chickpeas in my sandwich made my stomach blow up like a balloon and I walked out practically doubled over. I’m ok now (mostly) but it took a good digestion walk to help get me straight man, ugh.

We also walked around the block after we left the restaurant- it was in a pretty nice area with lots of other cool restaurants like one with fancy al fresco seating and a high percentage of old woman diners based on the cloud of Elder Perfume we walked through on the way past, that Chooch said he wants to take our cat Drew there and she would probably wear a beautiful blouse but our other cat Penelope would wear a burlap sack. Ugh. He’s so mean to her.

A cross walk on that street!

Interior design inspo. I think this was a massage therapy place?

Then we drove a few minutes to check out the CIRCUS HORROR MEMORIAL.

I guess it was still tarped over from the winter? That was disappointing. I found this on Roadside America but no one had been there yet to provide any tips or photos. Guess I will!

Now I’m back in the hotel while Henry and Chooch are out getting coffee. It’s almost 9pm and it’s too early for bed but I am SO TIRED.

Oh well. BUHBYE.

Guys, we went to Cedar Point last weekend as a belated birthday “party” for Chooch which I think I probably mentioned in some scattered blog post or another at some point. He brought his friend Zakk. It was one of the best times I’ve had at Cedar Point to date, which is a huge feat considering how finicky this place can be.

Back when our friend Jason still lived in Cleveland, we used to meet up with him at Melt for some pre-show grilled cheese action. This was when Melt was still new and novel and didn’t have a ton of locations spread across Ohio. So when Cedar Point got their own special Melt location, it wasn’t that exciting to us.

However! Jason no longer lives in Cleveland and we no longer road-trip there constantly for concerts, so it’s been A MINUTE since I burnt my mouth by scarfing a Melt original too zealously. Normally we don’t do sit-down meals at parks but I thought it would be nice to pencil it in this time since it was kind of a special occasion and Chooch had a friend with him.

I checked in with Chooch around 2 and he said that they were both ready to eat too, but they were in line for Magnum. Henry and I had just gotten off Steel Vengeance (<3) so I told him we’d just walk to Magnum and wait for them there. He texted me again right as we got to Magnum and said they were in the station about to get on.

Oh, good! We were just in time to see their train leave the station and then promptly get stuck on the lift hill, lol.

At first, we thought that someone got busted with their phone out because one of the Magnum crew people left the station and walked up the track to them. She was going back and forth, stopping at certain rows, so we weren’t sure what was going on at that point. Then she left and a few minutes later, another crew person went down under the lift hill and pushed a button as a recording came on that said ATTN THIS RIDE WILL NOW RESTART so that was fun to watch.

Magnum’s manual literally says, “Turn it off and then turn it back on.”

This ride is soooo janky but iconic and incredibly photogenic.

LOL Chooch.

Finally, we were reunited as a QUAD and walked together (sort of) to Melt. I was happy that it wasn’t crowded AT ALL and a little surprised when the hostess said it would be a 20 minute wait. I looked around at all the empty tables and said, “OK. We’ll wait.” The place was literally at like, less than 25% capacity, but OK.

We had JUST sat down in the waiting area, and the hostess was calling my name, cradling a stack of menus in her arms. Literally less than a minute after she told us it would be 20 minutes?? Did she mean 20 seconds??

I loved that Melt’s decor was a marriage of the traditional Melt aesthetic (vintage plastic holiday yard statues, old school arcade vibes, etc) with historical Cedar Point memorabilia.

Anyway, it quickly became clear that when the hostess said “20 minutes,” she meant 20 minutes for the waiter to take our order which was whatever, but it became progressively longer between returns to our table. He was really personable at first but then gave us less attention every time he got a new table and I was super butt hurt over this.

Meanwhile, Chooch ordered some type of “wet” chicken sandwich but refused to say the “wet” part and just sort of pointed at it instead. He got the vegetarian version of his and I got the vegan version of the BIG PARMA (a whole one so Henry and I could share). Henry got an order of tofu wings, and Zakk just got chicken strips – lame!

It took so long for our food to come out. It’s frustrating when you see tables that were seated way after you get their food first. People were coming and going and we were all just sitting there, idly sipping our drinks and looking at our phones….

…well, the guys at my table were looking at their phones. I was looking at everyone else’s food around me and eye-stalking the young food runner who kept coming out of the kitchen with NOT OUR food.

And then when our food did come, they only brought me a half of my sandwich like they were TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING (“It’s called smaller portions, HONEY”). This was an issue because I knew we were going to get charged for a whole, and also because half of this was supposed to be Henry’s. But the way I said, “I ordered a whole,” came off sooo bitch-babyish. It was like I had floated over myself and just in time to witness the stampy-foot whine come out of my mouth, like I was complaining that Santa brought me a brown pony when I ASKED FOR A BLACK ONE WITH A WHITE DIAMOND ON HER NOSE.

Whatever. Some people find this side of me endearing, like Veruca Salt Lite.

Meanwhile, Henry was mumbling, “Don’t worry about it” but I was like BABE I GOT THIS. (LOL I would never call him that, FYI.) Anyway, I got the other half of my sandwich in less than 5 but then it seemed like our waiter liked us less after this so I was sad because I really liked him but it was clear that he was only interested in playing with all his SHINY NEW TABLES.

We cut Chooch and Zakk loose after they were finished eating because it became clear that we weren’t going to get our check anytime soon. So now with those two gone, we had an open window to the table in front of us: a mom and dad with a daughter who was about 4, a boy who was like 3, and then a super little baby. The girl spilled her chocolate milk ALL OVER HERSELF and started crying, which brought me so much joy. So the mom dumped the baby on the dad was took the crying girl into the bathroom to mop her off.

“Wow, she actually got all the stains out,” Henry marveled when they returned. Laundry-related things excite Henry greatly.

Still waiting for our check, and now these two older women were standing right next to our table, like so close that I actually thought maybe we had been there that long that Chooch and Zakk had grown up into middle-aged women? Turns out they were looking for the chocolate milk bitch. They finally spotted her (I mean, she was literally at the next table, put your fucking glasses on maybe) and handed her a bag from the gift shop with a NEW FUCKING T-SHIRT IN IT (well, obviously new – I assume it wasn’t off the back of some other child-bitch). I can’t remember what the damn thing said now but it was purple and had like a cupcake on it that said best day ever, or something, like why wouldn’t you get a Cedar Point-specific t-shirt, but OK.

So now the dumb girl was happy again and I really needed to pay the damn check and get away from this Church of the Latter Day Saints commercial.

First of all, how do those women even know that this kid deserves a non-milky, dry t-shirt? She could be a terrible kid!! She could have a record at pre-school!! What if she’s a kindercare bully?? There could be a row of mutilated, naked babydolls in her closet!

I felt very conflicted over this good Samaritan spectacle.

“I would never do something like that for a kid,” I murmured around my straw (paper even, go Melt!) as I took a sip of water, and Henry said, “Yeah I know.”

But then! Her little brother fell out of his chair – not even all the way. It was a super slow descent where he lazily ping-ponged between his chair and his dad’s chair, and didn’t even hit the ground, but still somehow hurt himself enough that he started wailing, so now the mom had to take the baby from the dad so that the dad could hold the screaming toddler in his lap.

IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH.

I wasn’t ruling out the possibility that he did this on purpose so that someone would buy him a shirt too. We made eye contact while he was crying and I hope that I was able to convey in my returned glare that it wasn’t going to be me, buddy.

Finally, we got to pay the damn bill and get the FUCK out of there. Great food but easily one of the most frustrating Melt experiences of my life, lol ugh.

Cleveland is hosting an Asian Festival this weekend and the reason I know this is because a few weeks ago, I received a message on Etsy from a customer asking if it would be ok if she included the Minho card she bought from my shop in a raffle that she would be doing at the upcoming festival. She is part of a local Cleveland Kpop radio show called A Sprinkle of Seoul and they were going to have a booth at the festival.

This was exciting! Of course I said yes and then I sent her some additional SHINee cards too because her booth was hosting a cup sleeve event to celebrate SHINee’s 14th debut anniversary!! I got the info from her and then planned on coming out for it.

Their booth was so cute!! Lauren was so friendly and fun to talk to. She gave me a Kpop crossword to complete for a chance to win an album and it was CHALLENGING! You had to guess each Kpop group based on two songs and some of them weren’t super popular. I almost didn’t even get the BIGBANG one!! And then I couldn’t remember Astro even though I JUST watched their comeback stage this morning. I did eventually get it but Henry of all people had to give me hints. I only completed about 75% of it but she said I could still qualify lol.

I always wanted to go to a cup sleeve event!! They do these often in South Korea – fan sites will usually order cup sleeves to commemorate their bias’s birthday or an anniversary of a group’s debut, and then collaborate with a cafe to host the event. We saw a couple when we were there but it was never for a group I cared much about.

I brought out some of my fave SHINee pins to display on my dumb person for today too <3

I also excitedly outed Henry as a HUGE WONHO STAN to the A Sprinkle of Seoul peeps and they were very understanding because how can you not appreciate Wonho.

Anyway, here’s the cupsleeve!

We went inside a small Asian mall type of building where this eclectic vending machine resided. There was a bubble waffle joint and I felt inspired for one because it’s been a minute, so while we were waiting for our order, I used the restroom only to discover that MY PERIOD WAS HERE – luckily it had just started so there wasn’t an accident but of course I didn’t bring a purse that had my tampons in it. There was an Asian market connected to the tiny mall we were in so Henry was like WAIT FOR THE WAFFLE and ran over to get me tampons but couldn’t find any so got me PADS INSTEAD. UGH.

(I don’t know if this is universally an Asian thing but I know for sure tampons are rare in South Korea. I definitely had to buy emergency pads there on my first visit!)

Meanwhile the guy called my number at the waffle place and I was standing literally right there so I held out my hand to take it but he shoved the waffle in a bag and threw it on the counter at the front behind the lady taking orders and I was like HELLO WTF and because PERIOD I internally threw a fit and GAVE UP. Now Henry was back with the PADS and I was like THEY CALLED OUR NUMBER AND DIDNT GIVE IT TO ME, YOU DEAL WITH IT.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I feel like I had a point.

Anyway, after all of this menstrual/bubble waffle drama, we left because it had gotten super crowded AND HUMID at this point, and I had already accomplished what I wanted – meeting Lauren from A Sprinkle of Seoul and supporting the Asian community!

Plus, I wanted tampons, please and thanks. While Henry was in the nearest CVS fulfilling my tampon dreams, I started cracking up as I realized that I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought my own tampons?? Henry is a real one.

Then we went to Brewnuts for some donuts. My bro Corey went here on a recent visit to CLE and highly recommended it to me. The last time we were in town, it was closed because it keeps hipster hours. You know, Wednesday-Saturday or something ridic.

My first impression was: this place looks annoying. Every table was full of not-my-types looking they just rolled up post-run for some dones (THAT’S WHAT THIS PLACE CALLS DONUTS WHICH I’M NOT GOING TO LIE WAS VERY OFF-PUTTING PROBABLY JUST HOW MY PENCHANT FOR CAPSLOCK IS TO YOU) and brews.

But the decor was so my style!

But then the young broad who waited on us (not this lady pictured, she was fine) was borderline rude and stared at us blankly while we looked at the menu after – god forbid – not knowing what we wanted after she IMMEDIATELY tried to pressure us into ordering before we even fully approached the counter.

I’m not saying people need to slap me in the face with the rainbows shooting out of their asses, but a small smile or even a moderately upbeat tone to the voice has never hurt anyone before.

BUT I GUESS THIS IS JUST ME SNIVELLING.

Anyway, we were here for donuts. I got the hot honey cornbread – you know how in sitcoms, whenever a man sees a really hot woman, they bite their fist? I AM BITING MY FIST AT THE MERE MEMORY OF THIS BITCHIN’ BABE OF A NEVER-DONES.

Holy mother, hold my rosary. I’m gonna need two hands for this.

It was SO FUCKING GOOD. Yoooooo. The perfect amount of heat from the hot honey, the cornbread crumbles were NOT messing around, and the donut itself was a bangin’. Unfortunately, I had to split this with Henry (I didn’t know that was the plan and had already started beasting the cornbread side so then he got hardly any of it lolol) but I could have easily inhaled this whole thing on my own.

Meanwhile, Henry ordered the wrong thing for himself. What he wanted was the cherry almond fry cake, but what he asked Miss Personality for was the cherry blossom, which essentially was just a regular iced donut with a cherry blossom design piped on it. Hahaha.

I got iced chai. It was so-so.

Henry got some frou-frou stroopwaffel latte and when the donut dick asked if he wanted whipped cream on it, he enthusiastically said YES and is now, hours later, complaining that he had too much sugar today.

Meanwhile, I had to use bathroom so I could swap out the pad for a tampon. I know, you thought this chapter was closed, yet here we are for the shocking conclusion.

I thought the bathroom was so cute! After we left, I showed Henry this picture and he said, “Oh, yeah, you mean the men’s room.”

“What do you mean, the men’s room?” I asked.

“Oh, I thought you knew you went in the men’s room. That guy was cleaning the women’s room and I figured he told you to just use the men’s room,” Henry said in a shruggy tone.

“Um, no I didn’t even know there were two restrooms?! I thought it was unisex??”

“It’s not a big deal, no one cared that you went in there, I’m sure. Plus, the guy had JUST cleaned it so you’re good.” HOW DOES HENRY KNOW SO MUCH DETAIL ABOUT THE BREWNUTS FACILITIES?? Where was I when he was supervising all of this janitorial action??

“Henry, I threw my pad in  the garbage can in there!” I cried. “In the men’s room!”

Oh yeah, THAT was the point of my Hello, Period story.

Anyway, now I want to go back and see the ladies room sometime.

We brought some donuts home with us so Chooch could try: a lemon-filled one, stroopwaffel (popular flavor there I guess) and Henry got his dumb fry cake thing or whatever the fuck it is. I could not eat here very often if I lived in Cleveland. They are good, but gigantic and HEAVY. Plus, the donut box was literally soaked with grease by the time we got home, which does make me have some slight regrets knowing I put that shit in my body.

But, you know, when on your period, etc etc etc.

“I am not sitting in this car for two hours after that, we need to for a walk,” I demanded, arms crossed and sitting on my princess tuffet, a/k/a the passenger seat. So bitch ass Henry found the nearest cemetery (Riverview I think?) and we want on a very uncomfortable digestion stroll through sopping waves of humidity with roiling stomachs.

Somehow this was the first time we’ve ever gone to a cemetery in Cleveland even though we have been there so many times. It was a decent cemetery. I made Henry take pictures of me because I’m obsessed with my shirt.

DON’T BE SUSPICIOUS….DON’T BE SUSPICIOUS.

Then we finally started our drive back home. We stopped at some idiotic family restaurant called THANO’S in Boardman Ohio about two hours post-donut inhalation because I needed real food to sop up the sugar. My body does not like it when I eat like this. :(

Originally, Henry told me to look for places to eat in Youngstown but then CHANGED THE ROUTE and rendered my hard Yelp work USELESS.

Ok this place had pretty good fries and our waiter was ok except that he said “ladies first” to me which set me off because what if I don’t identify as a lady, but I HATED THE AMBIANCE. There was no music playing and felt more quiet than the cemetery we came from (which I guess wasn’t that much of a feat considering the cem was right next to a major highway). The only noise came from the booth behind us, occupied by a totally uncouth couple, the broad of which answered her cell phone at the table and then proceeded to have a loud convo in public, and the guy of which ate his French fries with a mouth opened so wide that I could every cockle of each fry cracking under the weight of his gnashing teeth. Ugh plus it was also so wet-sounding.

Meanwhile my $6.99 grilled cheese (a rip off) didn’t have the tomato I asked for so Henry gave me the tomato off his plate but it was too thick and cold and ruined my grilled cheese even more.

“Just a reminder that the grilled cheese at the places I found on Yelp were only $3.99,” I said, my face resting more bitchily than the donut dick’s.

And then we came home.

Oh shit, the last spring break vacation post! Is that true? Yes! Okey-dokey yo.

We spent the second half of Thursday at the Kissimmee Fun Spot location. It was threatening to rain as the day got later, but we managed to complete a streak of perfect weather theme park visits! Our luck is usually not that great. And there were no crowds here at all so we were straight walking on everything.

The first thing we did was go on Mine Blower because it was our most anticipated ride there.

….and also right at the entrance, lol.

Good lord, this coaster is INTENSE. It’s a Gravity Group hybrid and should honestly be illegal, I think?? It was rough and felt like it was running so out of control that I was actually terrified and that  doesn’t happen to me very often! (Twice at this park though, apparently lol.) It also has a zero gravity roll, which really makes you feel like this coaster should be called Your Last Ride. However! I did like it, it just wasn’t re-rideable for me. I rode it once when we got there, and then Chooch and I rode it again once it got dark, but…that was enough for us. Even Chooch said he couldn’t marathon this fucker.

Right away, I loved the vibe and ambiance of this Fun Spot way more than the Orlando location. It felt more colorful and lively (even though the crowd count was probably about the same) plus it had that little lake area which looked SO GOOD once all the lights came on at night.

This chubs was just casually napping in the grass next to a flat ride like he was an operator on break. Loved him!!

Chooch got a King Cake sundae and was all, “This isn’t all that” so I was like “LET ME TRY IT” and I thought it actually was pretty close to being “all that” so I made Henry go and get me my own. I ate it all with no regertz in that moment.

Fun Spot shares the space with another area called Old Town which is more of the shopping/entertainment section. It does have some rides though but I guess the big draw is the CAR SHOWS that happen on the weekends. Thank god it wasn’t a weekend. Although my dad would have loved this place because he is (or was, at least) super into car shows.

I bet this section in POPPIN’ on the weekends. There was some pretty entertaining/hideous karaoke going down on a stage outside of one of the bars though, so that was fun-ish. I suggested that Henry and I could sing Air Supply again like we did at a noraebang in Seoul but he was like, “no I’m good.” I think Chooch might have attempted to emancipate himself if that happened, anyway.

There were LOTS of Trump-Lovers shirts and shit in all of the Old Town shops which was not great but also expected because Florida.

Henry’s favorite part was when he was handed a fresh, piping hot soft pretzel in the arcade. OK and usually I hate arcades but this one had some stupid Wheel of Fortune game that I became obsessed with after watching Chooch play it once, then I kept asking him for tokens or whatever and he was super pissed.

Henry bought this pretzel while we were waiting an actual eternity for Chooch to cash in his tickets at the prize center. He takes this shit so seriously and tries to use up every last ticket. One of the guys behind the counter said, “Here, let’s end this” and actually gave him something that was just a bit over whatever his remaining ticket count was. So then he had a small armful of stupid little toys and candy. All of those toys are probably under my seat in  the car right now, I guarantee it.

OK honestly would you look at how beautiful this is?

I love that this place was like the perfect marriage of amusement park and carnival. (Except that the ride operators came off as way more trustworthy than carnies. Well, the Mine Blower crew was questionable though, lol.)

One very notable fact about this Fun Spot is that there is a year-round haunted walk-thru in Old Town which was designed by the same special FX company that does Hundred Acres Manor in Pittsburgh. Now, I’m not the greatest fan of that haunt, in fact I think it gets worse every year, but I wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to go through a haunted house.

In April.

In Florida.

It’s an upcharge attraction so we ended up forking over $30 for both Chooch and me to go through. We were the first customers of the evening and the dead guy running the joint had a very enjoyable time talking to Chooch about Iron Gwazi and trying to intimidate me. I will admit that I was a bit nervous only because it was just Chooch and me and sometimes I get super paranoid.

But it turns out it was very much like Hundred Acres Manor in that it had a handful of live actors but mostly animatronics. It was OK. If I ever went back, I would 100% skip it though, sorry.

The best year-round haunt we ever did was FOR SURE the one in Gatlinburg. Holy shit, that one was legit bonkers and the whole time I was screaming WTF IS HAPPENING and we were also in there with an entire family who were off-the-wall terrified and the dad was screaming like a bitch and they kept making me and Chooch go first – it was an incredible experience. If you’re even in Gatlinburg, take a break from the moonshine sampling and check out that haunted house.

Seriously, this place was SO PRETTY.

We left around 9 or 10, having claimed all the coaster creds and ridden all the flat rides we were interested in. Right as we were leaving, it started thundering and lightning really bad, and then it was storming by the time we made it back to the hotel. What luck!!

I can’t express how much I loved this trip and how it was the first time where we seemed to really gel as a family. I guess Chooch and I are finally coming of age, you know, and Henry is lightening up some. Sure we still had small spats here and there, mostly driven by hunger or food indecisiveness or exhaustion. But we always got over it. I’m very relieved to finally be done with the recaps but also sad that this means it’s time to put this vacation to rest. It was such a good one. I love having fun with these two dumbos. And also, I can tell Henry had fun because he was suddenly super into buying hats and souvenir shirts. Who even if this guy. Is this his version of a midlife crisis? Coaster snapbacks instead of muscle cars?

Anyway, if you stuck around for this whole extended blog-saga, THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE! (That’s what those dumb broads always say on A Beautiful Mess and I always say out loud, “I didn’t.”)

I will leave you with a video of Mine Blower:

Hey Phil. Here are pictures of Chooch and me riding some rides at the second Fun Spot of the day: Fun Spot Kissimmee! (Which is evidently pronounced Kiss-IM-mee which I learned only about a month before our trip thanks to copious YouTube video-bingeing.

I liked this Fun Spot significantly more than the Orlando one – it was just more scenic, with a livelier atmosphere (although, may the Orlando locations gets more poppin’ at night), and just all around better rides. So of course I took way more pictures at this one and will now ask your forgiveness as I proceed to split this up into parts. Hopefully just two. Here is Part 1.

There were FIVE coaster creds for Chooch to collect at this Fun Spot and one of them was this super exciting kiddie coaster, which is also the coaster featured on his recent birthday cake, lol.

I was originally going to ride it too but we can no longer fit in one seat together on kiddie coasters now that Chooch is basically a grown-up, and as much as I dislike CHILDREN, I would have felt like a Big Asshole for taking some dumb kid’s spot. So I sat this one out.

If this had been a Wacky Worm though, I’d have elbowed a kid out of my way.

Then we headed to the very back of the Old Town section of the park (technically this was a completely separate area but the rides there were included in our wristband, which by the way, was discounted since we had already purchased one at the other Fun Spot. THAT IS CALLED “SCORING A DEAL”). There’s a super janky coaster called Hurricane that dwells back there and I was 100% not looking forward to riding it.

At first I thought it wasn’t running, but then a ride operator at a nearby flat ride called over that she would be right there, so….woo.

Look how much….fun…I’m having! Oh man I really did not trust this contraption.

Then this ride, where first my wrist band suddenly quit scanning but the super nice ride attendant let me on anyway, I guess because I have SUCH AN HONEST FACE and do not look like a SCAMMER, and told me to just go to customer service and have it taken care of afterward. Then once we got situated in a car, the restraints wouldn’t go down and he was like, “Man, first you’re trying to sneak on my ride, now you’re breaking it!” and I FEEL LIKE WE IMPRINTED THEN. My response was a full-blown giggle fit in his face and Chooch mumbled, “You’re so embarrassing” which, now that I think about it, is usually the most amount of words he says to me at a time these days.

Shoooooot, this ride was FUN, fam. You might say it was a real FUN SPOT. I love me a spinning crazy mouse coaster and this one made me laugh hysterically while also white knuckling the safety rail because of those perilous turns.

EVEN CHOOCH IS PRESENTING A FACE FULL OF FUN AND JOY!

…unlike when we rode the screamin’ swing thingie together.  I love these damn things. We rode it again about 20 minutes later and the ride operator was like, “Don’t sit on that side,” and pointed to the one side that was now roped off – WHY. All four sides were opened when we last rode it, what happened?? Hopefully it was just that someone puked and the operator didn’t have time to clean it??

And here were are about to get the last row on Mine Blower for a night ride. Um, that coaster was WILD – possibly too wild.  It was out-of-control, breakneck speed fast, to the point where I was sincerely worried that we could get hurt. And the Mine Blower crew were absolute psychos, in the most complimentary way. I think you have to be to operate this crazy-ass woodie.

We’ll discuss that more later.

This concludes “pictures of us riding on rides.”

On Thursday of that one week in April that now seems so far away because IT IS since I am so fucking slow at blogging, we were able to squeeze in two smaller parks called FUN SPOT. These are Henry’s favorite types of parks because you can pay per ride in lieu of getting an all-day wristband and that is definitely his jam. I know what you’re thinking: why would you choose to go to a dinky park like this when you’re in Orlando, the theme park capital of the whole motherfucking planet? Well, both Fun Spots have a small coaster collection and Chooch has gotta get those creds, yo.

Fun Spot Orlando, which we will recap here first, has a woodie called White Lightning which was manufactured by GCI and is the only wooden coaster in Orlando!

But first, we chose to ride Freedom Flyer which is a Vekoma SLC  (Suspended Looping Coaster) first. Typically, these types of coasters are TRASH (except for the one at Morey’s Piers!). But this one was a family model and surprisingly smooth and unjanky.

Before we even got to ride it though, we had to have an ALTERCATION with two bitches who cut us in line, and by “we” I mean “I, myself, me.” There was a garbage can blocking a gap in the queue so that people could only enter from one side. So Chooch and I entered correctly, while two DUMB MIDDLE SCHOOL BITCHES (actually the one looked like she could have been 13 or 31, one of THOSE) squeezed past the garbage can, eliminating the need to go through the entire queue (which was not that long and OH YEAH, EMPTY)  so they cut us off at the station and got to take the front row.

“I guess a garbage can blocking the entrance actually means just squeeze through,” I said loudly to Chooch as we stood behind them waiting for the train to return. I knew they heard, and they refused to look at me even though I was facing them and GLARING. Henry, who was standing off to the side, said he could tell something was going down. I’ve just like HAD IT WITH LINE JUMPERS. I don’t even care that there literally WAS NO LINE. Follow the fucking rules, you dumb assholes. Because you know that people who act this way in amusement parks are just as bad everywhere else!!

Maybe if we didn’t go to so many parks, this wouldn’t bother me as much but shit gets OLD, people.

“You’re not behind the yellow line,” Chooch said to me after the ride attendant made the “stand behind the yellow line” announcement. Like, a centimeter of the toe of my shoe was stepping on it.

“Either are they but they also cut so I guess they just don’t know how to follow rules,” I said haughtily, still on my high horse and WOO BOO was the view up there dandy.

One of the little bitches, SNORTED and said to her friend under her breath,  “aaaand we’ll do it again!” in a cheerleadery tone and I about exited my body and crushed them between the thighs of my inner demoness. Little bitches!!

Luckily, that was the only negative thing that happened all day. I had to actually laugh because when we first arrived around 2pm that afternoon, one of the park staff members apologized in advance for the “crowds” we may encounter. Apparently, there was a school trip happening that day. So we were prepared for the worst, only to see that there were essentially no crowds whatsoever!

Oh and a bonus is that entry to the small Gatorland exhibit was included with our wristbands! Henry had to stand outside though like a sad man lol.

I was obsessed with Big Nasty. Imagine keeping this toothy chunker in your effin’ backyard!! What an asshole that person is. I hope they  get a lot more than just a slap on the wrist and that Big Nasty has a better life even though he is still in captivity. :(

We had fun watching the gator handlers feeding the smaller kids. But my favorite part was the SUPER ADORABLE GUY who was in charge of the “hold a gator” station.

Chooch and I even went through a second time so he could hold one and I was very agreeable to his request because I WANTED TO SEE THE SUPER ADORABLE GUY again.

We also had a fun time in the gift shop (Henry joined us for this portion since it was open to all). Chooch wanted a stuffed animal because when doesn’t he, so he asked the lady at the register how much it was and she was like, “I don’t know, how much does the price tag say” and I loved her for that, lol. We were all lowkey bullying Chooch and it was quite fun.

Henry manned up and put enough money on a Fun Spot card in order to get a ride on White Lightning, which was the only coaster he was interested in riding here. I guess he’s too good for the kiddie coaster. But Chooch and I are not:

White Lightning was A LOT better than I expected it to be! Really smooth.

Why do I look like I’m a calm and casual paddleboat ride lol.

Chooch and I got right back on, this time in the front seat. Henry even bought us both White Lightning t-shirts which we didn’t ask for but he was being oddly pushy about it, SUSPICIOUSLY PUSHY if we’re being honest.

Chooch was obsessed with buying a refillable slushie thing and finally got his way. It was very hot on this day and I stole several sips which were very refreshing even though I do not consider myself a slushie person by any means.

Henry realized that the White Lightning crew didn’t make him scan his Fun Spot card which meant he still money on it, so he actually became A DAD long enough to go on the go-carts with Chooch. Oh by the way, the go carts (there are THREE tracks) are included in the wristband! That shit is usually an upcharge everywhere else!

I’m not a big go cart person. We used to this place called Trackers (I think??) in Pleasant Hills when I was younger and I had a bad experience one time when I didn’t notice that the dumb ref guy was flagging us to pull into the thingie and I kept going, so then I was the only one out on the track and when I got back, the dude yelled at me and it was v. embarrassing. So now I hate go carts. There. I told my traumatic go cart story.

Sadly, this is where I was sitting when I found out that Tim Feerick from Dance Gavin Dance had died. I ran over to tell Henry while he was still in line and he looked like he really had to dig deep to scoop up a crumble of empathy from the depths of callous manly-man-man heart.

Waiting for the go cart idiots. During my wait, I saw the LINE JUMPERS for only the second time, lucky me. They were in line for another go cart  track but then left, presumably because they were unable to cut and unaccustomed to having to stand in line with the rest of the basic riff raff.

Chooch ended up winning because Henry, who was in the lead for most of the race, ended up breaking down twice, LOLOL.

It’s what he deserves.

Chooch looks exactly the same in both pictures, which is cracking me up. Was he sleeping?! I mean, ops *were* extremely slow on this coaster.

Oh shit, I forgot to mention that we also went through the fun house which was SKETCH but also longer than I expected.

Overall, there wasn’t much to do here once we knocked the coasters out, but the Gatorland section was cool and the park itself was very clean. If you’re a coaster cred collector, I would definitely suggest coming here because White Lightning was cool, dude. Cool.

We wanted to hurry up and get to the nearby Fun Spot Kissimmee before it started storming so we left after about three hours.

Had to get a refill before leaving for the next Fun Spot, COMING SOON.