There was a Pride event happening in Millvale on Saturday and when I saw that Bitchy Vegan Homo from Cleveland was doing a pop-up there, I sent Henry out on a quest for vegan baked goodness. Selfishly, I stayed home because PEOPLE. Honestly, if it was just a Pride event with no vegan stuff happening, I would have gone, but you add vegan stuff to things like this and it draws out all the vegan assholes, ISTFG. Henry was so pissed too because he even left the house well before the thing started at noon, got a good parking spot, and he said just as he was walking over to the BVH booth, some vegan biotch came power-walking out of nowhere, beat him to the booth, and loudly declared that she HAD A LOT OF STUFF TO BUY.

Oh man, I’m glad I stayed home. It sucks because I have lived a meat-free lifestyle since the 90s but have never ever ever felt like I belonged in that community, ESPECIALLY the vegan branch.

Nevertheless, Henry powered through and brought home a bounty of delicious animal-free treats.

Maybe it’s because I grew up with Rainbow Brite in my life but you cannot convince me that a cake will not taste extra-delicious if it’s rainbow-colored. I’m sorry. This cake made me feel like Starlite was taking me on a stroll through a motherfucking meadow in spring, OK

There’s just something about a pretty cake. I’m not saying it’s because I ate some of this cake that I ended up having a fabulous Saturday, but I’m also not saying I don’t believe in CAKE MAGIC either. (Those brownies were the unsung heroes though, holy shit, make me a retainer out of these brownies and watch me not care about flashing poop-smiles.

It’s 87 degrees in my house  you guys sorry if I’m slurring.

Later, I saw someone tag this neon rainbow sign on Instagram and got excited because it’s from Target and I declared that I needed it right then and there because I really appreciated the uneven arches and I knew exactly where I wanted to put it and Henry was like, “I GUESS WE ARE GOING TO TARGET” and so we did and I bought it and then I also went to the Vans store and bought new Vans in the shade PINK LEMONADE and I felt like I had literally showered in the sun’s summer rays that morning because everything was JUST SO PLEASANT AND GOOD. BREATHE ERIN BREATHE.

Also the girl who helped me with my shoes at the Vans store had tattooed knees and the most perfect chill disposition (a prerequisite for working at the Vans store, which means I could never work there because I CAN BE TOO UPTIGHT AND PEOPLE-HATING) and can you really ask for anything more in a retail experience?

This is what the downstairs looks like at night, I love it so much, being awash in color and mood-lighting.

Basically, it is always Pride up in here and I hope that this is a place where anyone would feel welcome and comfortable! Just….probably not on 90 degree summer days.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to sticking my head in the freezer.

I thought of this tonight and felt a strong compulsion to repost the story about the time my friend Kristy convinced me to go to a Pittsburgh Passion game even though I hate football and it ended up being a fucking hilarious night and I even thought that maybe I would like girl football at least after that but nope, that didn’t stick. Also I can tell by that first picture that this was definitely before KpopX kicked my ass into shape lol ugh.

Anyway, here is that story. Ciao for now, my plump little bao. (I just said that to myself.)

***

When I told people I went to a professional woman’s football game last Saturday night, the popular response was, “What the hell. You hate football!”

Truth! I really do hate football, and the only thing I hate worse than football is PITTSBURGH football. Boys or girls, I hate them all the same. No discrimination here. But when my friend Kristy asked me if I wanted to go and explained that she was only going because her friend Katie plays for the opposing team, the New York Sharks, and also that we were going to drink at the Smiling Moose beforehand, I was like, “Fuck yeah, I’ll go.” I get a lot of joy rooting for opposing teams! I’m like a sports hipster, I guess.

Besides, if I was going to go to a Pittsburgh Passion game with anyone, it would be Kristy. I don’t know why, but I stand behind this statement.

Kristy even made this awesome sign to show support for her friend Katie! It was kind of adorable. I want to join some kind of team now or run for Congress so that Kristy will make a poster for me.

When we got inside Cupples Stadium, Kristy decided she didn’t want to sit in the middle of Passion fans, because Pittsburgh sports fans are a special brand of crazy. Like, bath salts crazy. Before we even made it to the stands, we stumbled upon a small group of Sharks fans with some assertive Passion broad who was trying to accommodate their seating needs. And by seating needs, I mean that they were asking to sit as far away from psycho Yinzer sports fans as possible. So we tagged along and entered the field with them, and that’s when I realized that one of the Sharks ladies was actually a part of the organization, so I started to feel really special, because that’s the type of person I am: the type that gloats when mascots or someone on a professional women’s football team payroll spends one extra nanosecond on me than the rest of the kids. It’s because I’m attention starved, OK? I will take flirtatious sentiments from anyone: in a fur-suit, NY Sharks shirt or prison jumpsuit, I don’t give a fuck.

Anyway, the Passion broad explained to us that she was unable to unlock the gate so that we could sit on the bleachers across the field from the Pittsburgh side, some lame excuse about how the Passion organization only paid for half of the stadium to be cleaned so they couldn’t have us getting our filth all over the other side of stands, too. However, what she was able to do instead was bring over extra benches ON THE SIDELINE so that we could still sit far away. There was some grumbling from the other Sharks fans about how they weren’t going to be able to see real well, but I was like, “Fuck yes.” Because if I’m going to have to watch some dumb football game, you better believe I want it to be on the field, like Jay-z.

(I don’t even like Jay-Z, but I wouldn’t mind living like him.)

While we were getting situated on our special benches, one of the Sharks ladies felt compelled to beg us to behave. Don’t distract the players, don’t get up and walk off the field during play, and basically just don’t breathe. Then she came back with her camera and yelled, “OK SHARKS FANS!” and everyone put their hands up on top of their heads like shark fins, and I had to whip my head around to look at everyone else’s so that I didn’t fuck it up because I’m a hand-gesture dunce.

“I wonder what the Passion sign is?” Kristy wondered out loud, making a diamond over her crotch with her hands. “Do they just like, masturbate?” And I died for the first of 87 times that night.

Seriously, this was our view: a recreational lesbian’s field day. I cultivated no less than 8 crushes in the first five minutes of sitting down. It’s actually kind of surprising that Christina doesn’t play professional women’s football.

“Fair warning, my twin daughters play for the Sharks, so I might get kind of loud,” an older man who bore a mild resemblance to Laura Palmer’s Dad (but enough so that I would run with it for the rest of the night) said cordially as he sat down next to me. “Wow, Pittsburgh’s sure got a big fan base. Look at that!” he enthused, pointing across the field to the home bleachers. I thought he was being sarcastic, because there didn’t seem to be that many people there, but then I remembered that this was WOMEN’S football and we all know that no one cares about women’s sports.

Passion’s Impressive Fan Base.

Did you know that the players have to pay for this shit themselves? It’s true! Kristy told me. And they all have to have regular day jobs too, unlike those fat NFL rapist douchebags. So I was able to overlook my hatred of football by convincing myself that I was actually there to support girls doing shit. Because I’m a girl.

I took this picture when we returned after halftime to illustrate how sparse the Sharks section was.

Laura Palmer’s Dad was a pretty laid back guy and I didn’t mind that he was trying to lure conversation from my clamped mouth because was mildly charming. But then 10 seconds into the game, he fucking EXPLODED with rage and bulging forehead veins.

“PAIGE!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!?!?!? CONTAIN!!!!! WHERE’S THE D?!?!?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME, REF?! WHAT WAS THAT!?!??! HEY REF, YOU NEED TO BORROW SOMEONE’S GLASSES BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEE!”

And on and on and on. Kristy slowly looked over at me and we totally lost it. At this point, he was standing on top of the back of the bench, leaning against the fence behind him for balance, and every time he yelled, it sounded like angry jets were being launched from his throat and into my ears. And then another dad on the bench next to us joined in, the two of them volleying disparaging reviews of the ref’s competence back and forth between them in their thick New York accents. Laura Palmer’s Dad kept marching over to the Sharks bench and reaming out his daughters, Paige and Jenna, but it seemed like poor, fuck-up Paige was taking the brunt of it. She just stood there with her head down, shoulders rolled forward, probably wondering when she was going to have time to finish digging her dad’s grave in the woods.

Please, please, please watch this dumb video.

Laura Palmer’s Dad was screaming so hoarsely, that I feared he was going to have a stroke. I was honestly afraid to turn around to see what he looked like while verbally battering the entire Sharks team and officials. I half-expected to catch him deep-throating an entire horse out of unchained anger.

I kept getting misted with Haterade every time he screamed too, so now I can say Laura Palmer’s Dad showered me.

Meanwhile, my brother Corey was texting me because he saw my video on Instagram, so then it became even funnier to me, knowing that it was this funny to Corey, also. You know who definitely didn’t think it was “that funny”? HENRY. I kept texting him with a play-by-play to NO RESPONSE. He was just jealous because he wasn’t there and he probably knew it was only a matter of time before I fell in love with Laura Palmer’s Dad. I mean, he was totally my type. I bet he has sexually harassed an impressive amount of secretaries in his day.

Or Henry was just sleeping.

Laura Palmer’s Dad in a rare moment where his lips were demonstrating what some people might recognize as “a closed mouth.”

What? You guys don’t take shoulder selfies?

The other angry dad is standing next to the guy stroking his chin, who was actually with Laura Palmer’s Dad but not nearly as loud. Occasionally he would bellow “SHARKS!” but I felt like it was more because he didn’t want Laura Palmer’s Dad to be disappointed in him, too.

Here’s one of the twins getting berated.

And the other.

He reallllly wanted them to “contain it,” whatever the fuck that means. And see, that was a big problem, not understanding the game and terminology. I would have to wait for my Sharks peeps to cheer or clap to know how to proceed, but sometimes I was confused because the Passion fans would also be clapping and I thought we hated each other? Anyway, when one of the Sharks got the ball-thing and started booking it down the field with no one close enough to stop her, I knew to stand up and do jump-y things and yell. And I also knew that when things weren’t going our way, to blame the refs. That’s universal. And if I hadn’t known that, Laura Palmer’s Dad would have taught me real fast.

The Passion scored enough times for the speakers to bleed out “Girls, Girls, Girls,” “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” and “Single Ladies.” You know, just in case we forgot we were at a girls football game.

Too bad we were losing pretty good (I guess?) by halftime. I was pissed when we came back from not getting stabbed during our halftime drinks at Jack’s because KRISTY lied to me and we were LATE getting back to a sporting event I don’t even care about, except for when I do, so we had to stand off the field and wait for the quarter thing to end before going back to our dumb bench. THANKS, KRISTY. I was so concerned that we were going to be ostracized from our elite Sharks section. But as soon as the clock turned to 0:00, I speed-walked across the field back to our bench.

“Hurry! I don’t want to get in trouble!” I kept hissing at Kristy. And approximately 3 minutes after I said that, Laura Palmer’s Dad and Other Official-Hating Dad came together to throw a joint temper tantrum so histrionic that the ref literally turned toward us and screamed, “NO! YOU SUCK!” blew his whistle, made a violent motion with his arms, and stomped off the field.

The fucking ref stopped the game and stormed off, you guys. IT WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC!

But….then the Sharks lady (I learned after the game that she is the CEO or CFO or COO or some acronym equally as important) marched over and said sternly, “I told you that you had to knock it off. Ref wants you gone. ALL OF YOU.”

Laura Palmer’s Dad said, “No! You guys stay. I’ll take the hit on this one.” MY MOTHERFUCKING HERO. Oh god, please let me be Laura Palmer’s Dad wife. Oh, who am I kidding. Laura Palmer’s Dad’s penis coozy is good enough for me. He can scream at me to contain the D all night. Yell at me like I’m one of your disappointing twins!

“Ref wants you ALL gone!” Important Sharks Lady repeated. So we all got up and dejectedly walked off the field, Kristy with her rolled-up Sharks poster, basically the entire Cupples Stadium watching.

This is what Womens’ Football Game Ejection looks like.

And just in case one of us was planning on resisting the ref’s request, two cops were sent out to make sure we left peacefully. It was the most ridiculous thing ever and I was so afraid I was going to pee from laughing so hard.

“Womp womp,” Kristy said with mock sadness into her rolled-up poster, and that just made me laugh even harder.

Once we were off the field, we all kind of stood in a cluster, laughing nervously by the concession stand. I was glad to see that Laura Palmer’s Dad was also laughing about it and not snapping metal rods over his legs in fury like I had anticipated.

“Sorry guys,” he said, with a shrug and then he flashed that good old Laura Palmer’s Dad smile at us and I melted. UGH HOW CAN I BE MAD AT THAT.

By then, one of the Passion broads had learned about what happened, so she decided to intervene. I guess because it was the ref who kicked us out and not the actual Passion team, she let us back on the field. They tried once again to get the gate unlocked for us, but then realized no one had the key. So the compromise was to move one of the benches further away from the field and have one of the cops babysit us.

“I feel like a red-headed stepchild,” Laura Palmer’s Dad laughed as he helped drag the bench away from the rest of the benches. Kristy and I opted to sit on his bench rather than return to our original spots, because I wanted him to see that we were IN THIS BITCH TOGETHER.

I just like being a part of things, OK?

Anyway, the game resumed after the ref rubbed the hurt out of his butt, and it didn’t take long for the two dads to get all fired up once again.

“OH NOW HE THROWS A FLAG!” the other dad bellowed, his voice cracking under the weight of the sarcasm.

This was right after the ref called an illegal formation, whatever the fuck that is, and that set off Laura Palmer’s Dad and his Partner-in-Scream-Hemorrhaging all over again, to the point where I thought for sure they were going to cause us to make the 11 o’clock news. FUCK YOU AND YOUR ILLEGAL FORMATION, REF!

Our babysitter.

This lady refused to leave when we got kicked out. I guess that’s her daughter. She popped her shoulder out.

And then, after it was all said and done, Laura Palmer’s Dad STOOD ON THE FIELD, yelling for his daughters’ attention. He was relentless.

I LOVE THAT IN A MAN.

During the final minutes of the game, “Girl On Fire” warbled out of the cheap sound speakers, and we just lost it. I wish they had put as much effort into their concession stand offerings as they did with the girl-centric stadium anthems.

Anyway, the dumb Passion beat the Sharks and I’m 99.999999999999999% sure it was fixed. We hung around after everyone left, watching the Passion do some sloppy Electric Slide thing to a really terrible pop song while the Sharks sat in a slumped huddle and cried. For a girl who hates football, I felt surprisingly really sad. Once the Sharks started to mill around on the field, Kristy and I went over to say goodbye to Katie, who hugged me twice which I thought was really nice of her but I think she was really just using my torso as a Shamwow for her sweat.

“What was going on over there?” she asked us, and we got to giddily tell the story of Laura Palmer’s Dad, a story that I look forward to retelling over and over and over again for the rest of my life.

SHARKS 4 EVA.

Hello. It’s 7:42am and we are about to depart from our luxurious gravel driveway in Brookline to begin our little weekend road trip to Washington DC and Maryland, aren’t you so excited. Originally we were just going to go to Maryland on Sunday to see if we have better luck at that Six Flags but then we decided to make a weekend of it and visit DC since NONE OF US EVER HAVE if you can believe that. We were supposed to go in 2019 the day after the Super M concert but Chooch was all, “wah I have a test and I can’t miss school!” Ugh. Scholastic Chooch is annoying.

As usual, refresh for new updates throughout the day OR DON’T this is a free country.

Henry is already so annoying. He was wearing a white shirt with stains on it and I called him out on it before we left so then we had to wait for to rifle through his pile of Faygo shirts before he decided on an ugly gray button-down that I hate and I was wailing, “why can’t you just have a cool T-shirt collection like normal people this is so dumb!” I literally can’t stand it.

7:53am: only made it two miles before HNC texted henry and said, “you’re probably driving but call me when you can” and now I’m panicking because what if it’s about the squirrels and henry is like I AM NOT CALLING HIM BACK WITH YOU TWO IN THE CAR. I WILL CALL HIM WHEN WE STOP AT SHEETZ. So now I guess I will stew in my anxiety until Sheetz.

8:28am: Obligatory Sheetz stop. I got the Protein Showdown like I always do but Henry called it the Protein Showtime and it’s not even that big of a deal, I admit, but Chooch and I are heckling him hard.

8:33am: BIG UPDATE. Henry called back HNC at my incessant urging and apparently a piece of slate fell off his roof and hit his car and he wanted to know if anyone heard it. Henry said no but Chris should have just called me because I HEARD SOMETHING. We could have masterminded a great conspiracy theory together. Hopefully he’s not going to blame the squirrels because I actually think Mr Gray Guy may have been the culprit.

9:25am: we just crossed over the Youghiogheny reservoir thingie and Chooch said, “that looks like Bambi water” whatever the fuck that means and then Baekhyun’s “Bambi” came on Spotify.

That’s all.

10:07am: Hello from the Love’s restroom. Nothing to report. It was crowded so I couldn’t take my traditional road trip bathroom selfie. Then I came out and appear to have lost my family.

Found them, call off the APB.

You can always count on Love’s for clean bathrooms and gross accessories.

11:19am: there was all this traffic because of a truck that was trying to move over and no one was letting him and there was all this maniacal swerving happening. Henry was like turning inside out on his mad effort to defend the truck driver so I said, “why don’t you just pull over and give him a hug. Maybe you could…BUMP DOLLIES.” And then I was choking on my mirth as usual, and henry was pursing his lips trying not to give me the satisfaction of emitting even a sliver of a laugh.

“Those kinds of truck drivers don’t even use dollies,” was his eventual comeback. He sure showed me. Truly.

12:02pm: ugh I had to pee in a legit gas station bathroom:

Henry was like IT WAS NOT THAT BAD and ok at least the toilet was clean but I was afraid Jason Voorhees was going to burst out of that closet like the Kool-Aid Man but bloodier and less fruity.

Also I wish I was this skinny:

12:15pm: Air Supply’s Even the Nights Are Better just came on the Yacht Rock station and I screamed REMEMBER WHEN WE SANG THIS AT NORAEBANG IN KOREA to Henry and both he and Chooch mumbled no which is surprising since I sang my part with such epic gusto.

On the metro thingie getting ready to go to DC and Henry has already caused a commotion trying to get the metro cards thank god the fare booth recognized us a TOURISTS (Henry’s wearing his man purse, so) and came over to help us before henry made a fatal mistake.

It us.

I made Chooch sit in front of us in case I want to chat with him and that already had him set off so then when I told him to take our picture, HOO BOY.

2:04pm:

3:08pm: have had many arguments with SON OF THE YEAR so far but the best one was when he insisted that presidents don’t live in the White House ok cook on.

Also, I hate scooters.

3:36pm: I like to read up on cities before I go there but nothing I read or watched could have prepared me for the actual assault of ice cream trucks and their demonic competing music box sirens.

4:04pm: BIBIBOP STOP

SOOOO satisfying like bibimbap but make it a salad.

4:35pm: We’re enjoying all the little pride parades cruising around town and Henry said WOW THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and I thought he meant like OMG THE GAYS but he was talking literally about the VEHICLES in the parade.

Also how perfect is this tree it’s like God drew it in his mind and projected it here.

5:54pm: on the metro back to Maryland. It was a full day of walking and I am ready to not do that anymore and go enjoy a nice iced coffee somewhere and relax, my peepee heads.

Here are some pictures of chooch and me being blinded by the fiery sun in front of the Capitol. Also, we almost got ice cream from one of the pushy ice cream trucks near there but henry only had a $1 cash on him!!!! What a cheapfuck!

6:19pm: Just got back to the car! When we got back to the New Carrollton station, chooch and I noticed a girl who was also on the same metro as us going into DC! I was like “what are the odds?!” And Chooch said, “I dunno like 5 or 10” whatever that means.

Oh and just for the record I wasn’t ready to leave but Henry and Chooch were like “no, it’s time.” I can’t wait until I’m older so I can travel with my friends! Literally the same thing I wrote in every vacation journal growing up!

6:32pm: We’re at our hotel and it’s across from Mary Main cannabis dispensary and Henry said, “in case you Wanna get hiiiiiiigh” and the way he said it made both Chooch and me very uncomfy.

7:02pm: omg Henry thought the AC was broke and went to the front desk so they sent him back with A Guy who was like “you have to turn it on” and chooch and I were holding in our giddy squeals then the front desk called and Chooch picked up AND DIDNT SAY ANYTHING bc he doesn’t know how to use a real phone??!! So he threw the receiver at henry. It was a whole thing.

7:17pm: Henry did NOT go here because he wasn’t good enough.

Anyway, we’re en route to Old Alexandria for ice cream.

8:58pm: so funny story. We did not get ice cream in Virginia because there was nowhere to park in old Alexandria and the other nearby places had massive crowds and I was like, eventually, screaming that I was not waiting in a line of that length for two flavors of custard. So we started to head back in Maryland which had nothing near our hotel and that’s why we ended up in Virginia in the first place, and I found a place on Yelp called Ice Cream Sweet Shoppe which was closing in 30 minutes. We managed to make it there and THE JOKE IS ON ME, U GUYS, because it was a fairly dingy joint in a rundown shopping center in a sketchy area, slinging those ubiquitous Hershey flavors. Don’t get me wrong, Hershey ice cream is legit tasty and the flavor options are staggering, but I could walk down the street from my house and get this same ice cream from our neighborhood ice cream shop, Scoops. When we’re in other cities, we want real local shit, you know??

But the young guy scooping for us was super nice and pleasant so it wasn’t a total bust.

I got Llamalicious and then traded Henry for his Rocky Road because mine was good but just too CLOYING. (Cake batter with ribbons of frosting.) Henry almost didn’t have anything to trade me because he initially LEFT HIS ICE CREAM IN THE SHOP.

What a fucking experience. Now Henry hates Virginia and also this part of Maryland where he keeps missing exits and really no one is to blame for that but him.

[ETA, the next day: so I never officially signed off on this fucking live account because after we got back to the hotel I just snapped, had a psychological meltdown, because the hotel was so awful and loud and the night just totally unraveled and I was like I MIGHT KILL MYSELF not even making light of suicide but being extremely transparent and honest here. Anyway, it was pretty bad there, and overflowed into the morning but now I am better thanks for asking.]

We rearranged the back porch a bit and now it’s even cozier – I never imagined that my old, trusty chaise lounge would have a second life back there but it’s the perfect spot for it!

The wheelchair Henry got me for Xmas is soooo awesome but it was way too obtrusive to stay in bye living room. I kept clipping my shins off of it every time I exercised. But once we moved some stuff around on the porch, it was like it was made to fit back there.

I just love this view!!!

I decided that this is going to be the official FAMILY MEETING ROOM so I called Chooch down for a FAMILY MEETING then realized I had nothing to say.

Another development is that we moved my old Pier 1 wavy shelf back there. It used to be an awful catch-all on the upstairs landing but we took it down and replaced it with the neon-lipped CURE SPOT. I knew I wanted to keep it so I decided to (have Henry) paint it and afterward I realized that I subconsciously chose colors that matched the furniture in my teenage bedroom lol I’ll never grow up.

Penelope is NOT SO SURE about this.

Anyway, I styled it with some of my favorite things and hopefully it stays steady stylin’ and doesn’t turn into an open-air hoarder’s closet like before, yikes.

This Warped Tour book I made has been hidden on another shelf for so long that I forgot it existed! So now it gets to SHINE, bitches, SHINE.

Chooch used to gnaw on this Keith Haring top when he was a baby :/

See also: Chooch’s baby teeth in a lightbulb.

I still have way too much “stuff” in this house but…at least it’s somewhat organized now I guess. I mean, if Henry would ever get his shit out of the third floor, my collections of vacation journals and clowns and cameras and framed concert posters would have an entire extra room in which to spread!

Well, on that note, I’m going to bed – BYEEEEE

Today is the day all of us Taemints have been dreading. Military enlistment day. But I know that he will do well because he does well at everything!!

Anyway, let the countdown to discharge commence!

Henry, about our cat Drew: she’s so whiny today. She was upstairs crying, then she was on the porch crying, then she was at the window crying.

Me: Because Taemin enlisted.

Henry: I…don’t think that’s it.

What a miserable Memorial Day weekend! It’s currently rainy and like, 50 degrees here in Pgh so I’ve spent most of the day huddled on the couch with a book (already a contender for Top 10 of 2021), roller coaster videos playing in the background.

What a dumb intro for a post of cat pictures!

Hopefully the rest of the weekend is more exciting. K bye.

(I originally typed Heresy Park in the title and now I want there to be a Heresy Park that sounds really fucking raise-the-pitchfork amazing.)

This post is mostly going to be about ROLLER COASTERS because that’s all we rode that day, but first I want to say that when Chooch was updating his dorktastic Coaster Credit spreadsheet to add all of the Hershey coasters, he realized that he left out every single coaster from Dollywood somehow, which means that the coaster in Lake Compounce that we thought was his 100th was actually his 107th or something like that so now we have to sit down and try to organize everything by date to see what his actual 100th coaster actually was, maybe something from King’s Dominion? WHY ARE WE SUCH LOSERS.

Shall we begin? After the loooooong pandemic hiatus, our first coaster was none other than Hershey Park’s brand new hyper coaster, Candymonium. It actually opened last year, along with several other highly-anticipated coasters, and as tempting as it was to still go to parks last summer, we decided to wait and it was EXCRUCIATING!! I couldn’t watch coaster videos for most of 2020 because I was so fucking depressed and choking on FOMO.

Candymonium is right by the entrance and any coaster expert will tell you to immediately go to the back of the park and work your way through it that way to avoid long lines, but for this one, the wait was about 30 minutes when we got there and I was like “No, we are mounting this motherfucking NOW.” Henry was being a bitch-boy about getting a locker for his man-purse and finally just yelled, “JUST GO WITHOUT ME” – why does he do this shit to himself??

Thoughts on waiting in line for the first time since 2019:

• still hate it
• still makes me yawn uncontrollably
• Chooch doesn’t talk to me
• dorky white families still play Heads Up like no one is around them
• BUT OMFG I’M IN LINE FOR A ROLLER COASTER!!!!

The line moved pretty steadily because they were running three trains and the ops were pretty efficient, so I couldn’t complain too much. However, I noticed that even though each row seats 4 people, they were sending trains with just two people in some of the rows so I wasn’t sure if it was because they weren’t mixing groups due to Covid restrictions, but then I realized that no, people are just assholes and groups of two were purposely sitting in ways that prevented other people from getting on with them, because later in the day, we rode Skyrush twice with other people in our row.

DON’T BE THAT ASSHOLE!!! Get in and move all the way down so other people can get in after you! Jesus fucking Christ!

Also, I think the same song was playing over and over the whole time we were in line. Also #2, there was a young sister and brother duo in front of us who were fake-fighting the entire time and it was SO FUCKING ANNOYING and a very quick reminder that I hate being around people and I wish that social distancing was still being enforced while standing in line, because that little fucking boy almost fell into my 87 times and it wasn’t until we were almost at the station when the older sister finally said to him, “BE CAREFUL THERE ARE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU!”

Wow thanks. At the very end.

Thoughts on Candymonium?

• super smooth
• a nice first coaster of the pandemic
• kind of underwhelming though

We rode in the back on our first ride, and the front on the second ride. We are usually Backseat Riders, but I will say that the front row was better on this one.

Anyway, while we were on the break-run, waiting to come back to the station, we saw Henry walking like a Man on a Mission.

“HE HAS SOMETHING!” Chooch cried, and we were straining to see what it was.

Turns out he splurged and for the first time of our lives, Bench-Warming Dad bought us Fast Lane wristbands!!! Of course he went for the cheapest tier which meant we could skip the line once on all coasters and a selection of flatrides, and it is a REALLY good thing he did that because those lines were wicked. In fact, after we got off Candymonium, the wait time had shot up to 170 minutes.

No. Thank. You.

The next one we rode was Great Bear. We opted not to use our wristbands for this one because the line was pretty short (15-20 minutes) and we wanted Henry to ride it too since he didn’t get the Fast Lane for himself. Those things are exorbitant, it’s actually criminal. Why can’t all parks be like Disney?? Disney has the greatest fast pass system in the whole fucking world. You’re already paying $$ for the ticket, plus $$ for parking, and you’re inevitably going to spend $$ on food, so why the fuck should these asshole themeparks make you pay $$$ extra to ensure that you’ll get to ride things that you ALREADY PAID FOR. And all it does it make the general queues move even slower. Set up complimentary fast pass reservations for the best, most popular rides, and let people get to select a time for 3 or 4 of them. One time use. Bam. Not everyone can afford to pay $99 extra per person to do this!! Luckily, Henry had his “FOR FUN TIMES” cash on him and was like “Well, hard-saved cash, it’s now or never.”

And thank god he did this because the day would have been even worse (I mean, it wasn’t a TERRIBLE day but it could have been!).

Anyway, I was happy to have Henry in line with us because now I had someone to talk to since Chooch is 15 and everything I say is so dumb or if he doesn’t hear me, he spits, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU” in the most disgusted grunt ever. I AM SO TERRIBLE TO BE AROUND, YOU GUYS.

Great Bear is an unsung hero!!! Holy shit, I fucking LOVED this coaster! B&M inverted coasters are so much fun to ride in the back because you literally have no idea what is coming next and everything was a pleasantly surprise. I laughed through the whole ride!

By now, the park was P-A-C-K-E-D and lines were spilling out onto the walkways. Chooch and I used our Fast Lane to ride Skyrush, except that when Chooch scanned his wristband, it lit up red. The young and very ambivalent girl working the Fast Lane gate said he would have to go to customer service, but he quickly said, “I think it’s because I scanned it twice.” She didn’t even question him and let him slide right on in.

So we ended up only having to wait about 5-10 minutes from there, and was it worth it? Um, no? This fucker is painful. And I knew that too from all the dumb videos I watch but I was like, “Well, these videos are all made by sissy-lala men who think everything hurts because they are so precious, so I’m sure I’ll be fine.

BITCH. This motherfucker KILLED MY THIGHS. It felt like I was simultaneously stung by Murder Hornets and being whipped by the rosaries of 5 nuns. It was RELENTLESS. I couldn’t even tell you if I enjoyed this fucking ride, to be honest, because I was in tears of pain by the end and could barely breathe.

Skyrush more like THIGHCRUSH. Fuck you.

Sooper Dooper Loop was next and it was basically just Baby’s First Upside Coaster. We stood in the regular line for this because it was so short, figuring that if we liked it, we’d be able to come back later and use the Fast Lane, but nah. The best part was watching the geese hang out along the water while waiting in line.

I probably would have thought I was hot shit for riding this as a kid in the single digits, though.

Comet was next – just your classic smaller scale woodie, and the line was outrageous. We used our Fast Lane (the girl didn’t even make us scan it, just asked, “did you buy them today?” and then let us through) and lemme tell you, once was enough. Also, GIGANTIC BEES were buzzing around when we sat idly on the brake run for a solid three minutes it felt like.

*Break from riding to argue over food*

It was around this point that I realized we could track our lines on the Hershey app so we could see which rides we had left for the Fast Lane. It had all three of our names on the account when I accessed it, but the word “Activated” was only next to my name. So this explained why when Chooch scanned his on Skyrush, it came up as red. And thank god that girl on Comet didn’t make us scan them or it wouldn’t have worked there, either! So now Henry was all LET ME SEE THAT because of course I must have been doing something wrong since I’m a natural dumbo, but after examining the app, he was like, “WE WILL JUST GO TO THIS FAST LANE KIOSK AND ACTIVATE IT” but it wouldn’t scan Chooch’s barcode.

We had to walk all the way back to the entrance plaza so that Henry could go and talk to a real person inside the Fast Lane building. They were in there for quite a while, but Henry said it was OK when they came back. We started to walk away and after several minutes, something made me check the app again. Now, it said “activated” next to Chooch’s name, and NOT MY NAME. Henry was like, ‘IT IS PROBABLY FINE’ and I said, “Look, bitch, they took my Fast Lane account and applied it to Chooch and now I don’t fucking have one.” Because Chooch’s Fast Lane had Skyrush taken off of it, when he didn’t actually “have” a Fast Lane at that point.

So back we went, through the mass of traffic-jammed baby strollers (seriously, baby strollers ruin everything, leave your fucking babies at home lol no I’m serious), back to the Fast Lane building which now had a line because some douchebag guy WITH A BABY STROLLER was there to collect all of his pass holder perks so he was tying up one clerk, while a family of n00bs was making another old man clerk explain in GREAT DETAIL the differences between the two Fast Lane options (NOT ROCKET SCIENCE: one can only be used once at a selection of rides; one is UNLIMITED – OMG do you have a CHART to explain that? A whiteboard?!). Meanwhile, NOAH THE 19-YEAR-OLD MANAGER was sitting behind his computer screen with an ultra-relaxed and bored posture, languidly counting money while the line continued to grow. I could feel the bubbles popping as my blood was brought closer to a boil.

We had a very kind but flustered woman helping us and I felt extremely bad for her because, LONG STORY SHORT, Noah had to come over and offer his completely blase managerial assistance (literally the way he ever-so-slowly rose from his chair and sighed on his way over made me want to punch him in the nose). Essentially what happened was that HE FUCKED IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE so the woman had to sort through all of the receipts from that day looking for both mine and Chooch’s so that NOAH could re-activate them PROPERLY this time, and the whole fucking time she looked so defeated as she continuously apologized to us while NOAH let her take the fall.

FUCK ALL OF THE NOAHS IN THE WORLD, SINCERELY.

Also, let it be known that shit was straightened out the second time because I was in charge of clearly explaining the sitch because GOD ONLY KNOWS what bullshit nonsense Henry mumbled on the first try.

Apparently, they were having trouble with this all day though because we heard some dad tell the Fast Lane guy on another ride that everything was screwed up, they paid for the Fast Lane, go ask Customer Service and that was enough for the Fast Lane gate keeper to lift his arm out of his puddle of ennui long enough to unfastened the chain and grant them entrance.

So maybe there was some type of computer glitch. I will give them a pass on that, especially considering all of the Fast Lane attendants were so quick to let people through regardless. BUT I WILL NOT EXCUSE THE BULLSHIT BEHAVIOR OF NOAH AND HOW HE TREATED THAT POOR LADY WHO WAS TRYING SO HARD (way harder than his fuckboy ass) TO FIX SHIT FOR US.

And! They gave us a “bonus” ride for any ride of our choice, which is how we were able to ride Skyrush a second time later in the day and I tried to cheat the system by raising my feet onto the toes to bring my thighs up higher when the attendant came around to push down the lap bars, to prevent them from stapling me. JOKE’S ON ME THOUGH because even though I earned myself some wiggle room, as soon we descended that first hill, the lap bar came down one more click on its own, successfully stapling me in and ensuring that I would have another joy ride in the Iron Maiden.

Fuck that ride so hard! I’m glad I got the credit because I don’t think I will ever ride it again unless I strap a ring of maxi pads under my jeans.

Here’s part of Storm Runner which was closed and I was REALLY SAD but also prepared for this because I follow Hershey on Instagram and they have been trying to get a part for this coaster since last year. I heard it might open on Memorial Day weekend so MAYBE at some point in the fall, I will MAYBE consider going back but right now the thought of returning is not very appealing.

If you’ve ridden one boomerang, you’ve ridden them all, but if you keep a spreadsheet of every coaster you’ve ridden, then you still have to ride it. Ugh. This one was at least less terrible than the one in Lake Compounce, but man, there is something extremely terrifying about that first lift hill. I can’t even remember what this was called, but it was like “Name of Coaster: Sponsored by Name of Corporation” which I thought was tacky.

Hold on. I’ll look it up.

Sidewinder: Presented by Penn State Health.

Cool story.

Oh! When we were in line for this, one of the ride operators kept running back and forth past us, and then Hershey EMTs arrived with their big ass cooler of supplies and we were like WHAT IS HAPPENING because they were still sending trains. Turns out some older lady was like, overheated or having some kind of spell because they had her sitting on a stool while they applied ice packs to her and took her blood pressure. It was exciting to watch. I mean, because she clearly wasn’t dying! She was sipping her water and seemed like she was OK, leave me alone!

I mean, Wild Mouse is Wild Mouse. Nothing to really say about it except that while we were in line, some DAD completely waded through the landscaping and then scaled a wall just so he could join his family in line in front of us and I would have REALLY CAUSED A STINK over this except that they were already going to need to be in two cars anyway so it didn’t affect us.

Across from the Wild Mouse was the Wildcat, a woodie that turned out to be unexpectedly fantastic. There was about a 20 minute wait and we couldn’t use our Fast Lane on this because the regular line started PAST the Fast Lane entrance so it was pointless. So basically, even if the queue was full, using a Fast Lane will still have you waiting 20 minutes, which doesn’t seem very Fast Lane-esque to me.

I was trying very hard all day to not let people piss me off that day and I was doing a pretty fine job, I think, until this ride. I kept hearing wet slurping behind me. I knew there was a couple in their late 20s / early 30s behind us and I was like, “OMG ARE THEY MAKING OUT” and then became convinced that this is what was happening. Eventually, I stole a glance over my shoulder, and nope, it wasn’t that at all. The Discount Duff Goldman part of the couple was eating Dippin’ Dots. WHO EATS DIPPIN’ DOT THAT LOUDLY AND WETLY? Oh, I was in so much aural pain.

Chooch and I bonded over this later. The anguish over other people’s mouth sounds is truly something that never fails to unite us.

The only other coaster Henry rode all day was Lightning Racer because the line was not long at all. Chooch decided he was going to ride by himself so he crossed over to wait for the opposing train. We tried to align ourselves so that we would be able to race each other but he couldn’t get anyone to go ahead of him, so he ended up riding on the cycle before ours which was a bummer because WE WOULD HAVE BEATEN HIM!

Lightning Racer was so good! It has cemented itself up there as one of my favorite racers – it’s definitely better than Kennywood’s Racer (although that one is iconic because it’s a Mobius loop and also vintage at this point) and that shitty one at King’s Island, but I also REALLY like Gemini at Cedar Point and Racer 76 (I think??) at King’s Dominion. There is a racer coaster out in California that got the RMC treatment so I’m sure if I ever got to try that one on for size, it would be an easy #1!

However, Lightning Racer had a TUNNEL and I love when coasters have TUNNELS and I scream-laughed, “UNEXPECTED TUNNEL!!!!!” in my Bobcat Goldthwait bray as we cruised through it.

I actually wish we had ridden that again before we left.

The other coasters we rode that I have nothing really to say about was Trailblazer, which was just a mediocre family ride, and LaffTrakk which is an indoor Crazy Mouse-type of coaster similar but inferior to Kennywood’s Exterminator and also, even with Fast Lane, we waited for a solid 45 minutes and this was 100% not worth it. The queue was all indoors and it was so fucking hot in there that I getting pretty swirly.

I guess the only other notable thing, coaster-wise, was that when we were waiting in the loading area for our second ride on Skyrush, there was a group of Chooch-aged boys in front of us who thought it would be cute to chuck candy over the railing at their mom, who was waiting below with other family members. They thought they missed so they ducked back in line, leaving Chooch standing there alone, looking like he had been caught red-handed. The loading station for Skyrush is elevated so we were several feet above ground level making it easy for them to not be seen from the ground when they moved back from the railing. Their mom made an “I’m watching you” gesture to Chooch and he nearly melted into the ground lol.

Anyway, that concludes my titillating review of Hershey. I feel like it can’t always be as shitty as it was on this particular day because I have legit never heard anyone complain about it, so sorry Covid–but I’m blaming you!!

Stay tuned for my Knoebels recap because we also went there that weekend and, spoiler alert, IT WAS THE PERFECT DAY.

I have sad news. Well, sad news for me. You probably won’t care (who are you anyway, hello out there?). My dear friend Jiyong, whom I met via the Hello Talk language exchange app in 2019 – actually it was about three years ago to the date! – is moving back to Korea next week. We lost all of 2020 due to Covid obvi and my 한글 process suffered greatly but I mostly just missed seeing my friend every week, inevitably spilling my coffee, and just having really amazing conversations about cultural differences and getting to know each other.

I do not make true friends very easily (acquaintances, yes!) and she quickly became one of the VERY FEW people I had consistent contact with. So when she told me a few mths ago that she and her husband are leaving Pittsburgh, the tears squirted out. Still though, I am SO HAPPY for both of them!

Very grateful that we both had the incredible opportunity to receive the vaccination because that made it possible for us to safely have one last hang out (hopefully just here in PGH and not forever!). Jiyong asked me to take her someone cool and I couldn’t think of a better place than the Mattress Factory, which, in a way, reminds me of Korea because of the super outrageous and trendy sunglass company, Gentle Monster. Their flagship stores are basically Mattress Factory, but add sunglasses for sale.

Oh man, I had such a fun time sharing my favorite Pittsburgh place with her!

And if she hadn’t been there with me, I’d have never known that these are actually very old Korean coins!

It was also blessedly not crowded.

Afterward, we got some burritos at El Burro and ate them on a bench at a park across the street. It was a really great but extremely bittersweet day!

Oh! And I asked her if we ever make it back to Korea (henry says we will!), if we can go to the Han River and have a picnic because it’s something we always wanted to do but the process of ordering food (you can literally order ANYTHING and have it delivered right to you ANYWHERE, because Korea is the delivery capital of the world!) and she said YES OF COURSE and I am so excited to have a real life friend that I can visit if I ever make it back there.

Then her husband came to pick her up and he had a huge box of Korean snacks for me!!!! Omg what a beautiful day. I am going to miss Jiyong sooooo much, though. Who else will insist that I repeat the dreaded “려” sound over and over until I sound at least fairly coherent?! (That was not one of my favorite days with her, lol!)

Ugh goodbyes are literally the worst. I even let her hug me twice that’s how you know the sadness was real.

Drew and Penelope were bitching about how I don’t post about them enough so here is a CAT PHOTO DUMP god they’re so pushy.

I have an entire weekend of amusement parks to recap but catch me posting pictures of cat instead. IT’S MY BLOG AND I’LL CAT-POST WHEN I WANT TO.

They both still prefer to drink their water out of people cups.

I’ve created monsters.

Someone’s happy to have her chair back! (It used to be in the living room but we moved it to the back porch after getting a church pew, and then Henry took the whole thing apart because he wanted to restuff it and whenever he says he’s going to do something, it usually takes a few months.)

I should be relaxing back here with Penelope and one of my many Asian Read-a-thon books but THERE ARE CHILDREN PLAYING/SCREAMING/YELLING/CRYING on the other side of that wall SO NO THANKYOU.

I yawned when I looked at this picture.

Probably I should go to bed soon. Chooch does REAL, IN PERSON SCHOOL on Thursdays and Fridays and my dumb ass thought it would be a nice motherly thing to drive him so he won’t have to take public transportation (do not even get me started on how LUDICROUS his school’s bus situation is; they’re lucky they’re such a good fucking school or I would have been like JUST CHOOSE A DIFFERENT SCHOOL FOR HIGH SCHOOL THIS IS DUMB). Anyway, it’s such a drag, not because there’s traffic (there isn’t) or because it takes a long time to get there (it doesn’t), but because he is SUCH A JERKY, SULLEN TEEN IN THE MORNINGS and I feed off his negativity and then come home and want to set things on fire. Last week, I came home and danced* to the new NCT Dream song “Hot Sauce” for approx. 17 minutes until I realized I was smiling and not looking to commit arson anymore.

*(By dancing I mean jumping up and down and shadow boxing while screaming YEAH THAT’S OUR JAM to the cats, PICTURED ABOVE.

)

Ever the hardest working artist in Korea, Taemin wasn’t about to sit around in the weeks leading up to his military enlistment and has instead gifted us with a mini-album and new MV.

NO ONE does it better than Taemin. The fact that he never looks the same in any comeback, continues to glide along that gender fluidity tip, could dance better than your fave even with his limbs bound, AND pours those dreamy vocals into our ears at the same time?

! LEGEND.

Also, that opening piano solo was in my head all day it was bothering me because it sounded very reminiscent of something that I love and it finally occurred to me on the 87th listen that it has Chiodos vibes to it GOD ONLY TAEMIN COULD WED MY LOVE OF POST-HARDCORE WITH KPOP.

Actually, now that I’m thinking about this, there is another older song of his where he sounds like the singer from another post-hardcore band I love, Artifex Pereo.

I think my past life in the Warped Tour scene was all part of the plan to lead me to Taemin.

Greetings from the car ride home from Elysburg, PA! This weekend was one of many Firsts Since Pre-Pandemic Days, such as: FIRST AMUSEMENT PARK(S)!! But we’ll get that in a later blog post.

The other firsts: EATING INSIDE A RESTAURANT. I realize that both of these things were technically possible before but none of us felt comfortable pushing our luck with no vaccine and soaring numbers.

Things are finally starting to seem like they’re getting better (hopefully??) so we’re making our entrance back into society I guess.

This whole weekend was set in motion several mths ago when one of my oldest Internet friends (as in – we met in the late 90s on Darkchat!) Eresbet sent me an IG message and asked me if I wanted some of these awesome antique carnival toys that her mom collected. Of course I said yes because that’s my aesthetic but mostly because it was an opportunity to finally meet her! It’s crazy because I remember we had even talked on the phone occasionally back in the day, as in: the days when I wasn’t scared of talking on the phone!

We met her at the Soda Jerk diner after leaving Hershey Park yesterday and I was so nervous because hello, I haven’t had to be social in a long time and even before that, my social muscle does not flex very often.

But I feel like it went swimmingly!! She brought her daughter Lana with her and we got to sit in a big round booth which I love and the waitress was so nice (I missed waitresses!!!) and I got to chug diner coffee and eat my veggie panini as soon as it was brought to me instead of driving around and looking for a place to sit outside and eat, and I got a stomachache from a delicious chocolate milkshake and the conversation was easy and comfortable! I am typically the living embodiment of the sweating emoji in these circumstances but this time I felt like the sunglasses face.

Why do the people I get along so well with aways have to not live in Pittsburgh??

Chooch accused me of saying “yeah I’ll meet you but you have to bring me toys.” Also, he claimed the carousel.

Then we drove for a bit to accomplish another First since the pandemic happened: CHECKING INTO A HOTEL!

Henry came out to the car after checking in and gave us the room key and presumably directions to the elevator and we were like Yeah Yeah Ok Mmm and walked away from him. Inside the lobby, we assumed that we had to walk down the hallway because we didn’t see the elevator anywhere.

“Oh this door must be for the stairwell,” I said when we reached the end and still had yet to uncover this mystical elevator. But when I pushed it open, it just went out into the back parking lot.

As we Tweedled our way back toward the lobby, we saw the elevator just as Henry oafed his way through the doors with all the bags.

“What are you two idiots doing?” he asked suspiciously.

“We couldn’t find the elevator,” I said.

“I told you where it was!” Henry cried, and now we had the attention of the ladies at the desk.

“Oh, I stopped listening before that,” I shrugged.

“We didn’t know where they were going or we would have helped!” the one lady said.

“I told them to come inside and turn left,” Henry sighed.

“No left turn was made,” the one solemnly lady said and I am still internally cracking up over this. NO LEFT TURN WAS MADE.

Meanwhile, Days Inn is in the process of remodeling this property and im not sure if anything is going to be added but our room had a gigantic area of open space, it was really crazy. For our first hotel since December 2019, I have no complaints! It was clean & comfortable and the way that lady at the front desk so seamlessly inserted herself into one of our signature family squabbles made it way more memorable.

When Pittsburgh Public Schools originally announced that kids who were not put in any of the mandatory ‘back-to-school’ groups (i.e. kids with special needs, kids with poor virtual attendance, I actually don’t know because Henry is the one who read those emails not me hahaha), the rest of the kids had the option to return to school in May for a hybrid thingie (two days in school, three days virtual). Chooch was like NAH I’M COOL THANKS. So we opted out. But then I started to panic. Did we make the wrong choice? Would it be better for him to return, even if it is super late into the year, just so he can get the feel for a school that he has only been inside of once (for orientation that happened literally two weeks before everything shut the fuck down in March 2020)? So Henry contacted the person in charge to tell them that we changed our mind and that Chooch would be returning to in-person.

Today was the first day for that to happen, so Henry took today and tomorrow off work to ensure that we get him to school smoothly because I cannot be trusted with such a daunting task and we have no idea what bus he’s supposed to take because the STUPID PORT AUTHORITY WEBSITE WAS DOWN. Yes, he has to take regular public transportation to this school which is so fucking stupid but that’s what happens when there is a shortage of school bus drivers because people apparently don’t want to work I guess???

I decided I would go along for the ride because I’m late shift today and wouldn’t it be SO NICE if Henry and I had A BREAKFAST DATE AFTERWARD?

But first, we had to get Mr. Miz(rable) to school. I thought it would be fun for Henry and I to both walk him to the front door of the school, Chooch ensconced in a parental posse, but he wasn’t too KEEN on that suggestion. Instead, we had to park halfway down the block and release him into the wild.

Chooch’s school is pretty much on the University of Pittsburgh campus, so it was actually very reminiscent of the times Henry would drive me to class when I was at Pitt and I would basically roll out of the car and hide behind a bush until it was safe to come out. God forbid anyone think my DADDY was dropping me off at school!

After we dropped him off, we went to Polish Hill and walked around for about 30 minutes, waiting for Kaibur Cafe to open at 8:00am. It was pretty cold this morning and Bitch Baby Henry was only wearing a t-shirt (and pants, don’t worry) so he was like OMG I AM SO COLD and I was like “Bitch, maybe check the weather once in a while, that’s why I’m wearing a sweater.”

See also: in our weekly team meeting at work, the common topic is ALWAYS WEATHER so that is usually how I know what to expect, like the time I said a few weeks ago that it was going to snow and Henry was like BULLSHIT and I was like OK WAIT AND SEE and then it snowed and I was like THANK YOU, WEEKLY TEAM MEETING.

Henry was such a little cunt about sitting on this horsie. “UGH IT’S COLD AND WET OMG I’M SUCH A PUSSY BITCH NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT I CRIED FOR MY MOMMY EVERY DAY WHEN I WAS IN THE SERVICE.”

Here in my hand please find a copy of “The Dead Hour” by Denise Mina which I plucked from a Little Free Library moments before this photo was taken. IT BETTER BE GOOD because I had to carry it around with me for the rest of the walk.

I’m sure Chooch is fine but I kept saying “DO YOU THINK CHOOCH IS OK” every three minutes. I mean, he’s a pretty social kid and pretty much immediately made a group of friends last fall and I think at least one of them is also starting back IRL today so I was like, “DID YOU TEXT DANIIL AND TELL HIM YOU’LL MEET HIM AT LUNCH OR WHATEVER” and Chooch just glared at me so I’m not sure what that means, but we at least took him to get his hair cut last night (super last minute, true to form) so he won’t be walking down the halls looking like the Partridge Family today.

He refused to take his Frozen hand sanitizer though so Henry to give him a normal one.

Wow, so artful. But also, I can see my work building and I’m kind of sad. But also kind of still not ready to go back? LOL, I’m such a hypocrite, forcing my kid to go back to real school (“It’ll be good for you to slowly immerse yourself back into a routine!”) while I’m over here panicking about when we’ll get the official OK to return to the office.

I would like to make a cute mosaic on our front porch I WONDER IF THE SQUIRRELS WOULD LIKE THAT.

Then we ordered our food at 8 and had to sit in the car while waiting for it because it was chilly outside and some dumb guy walked by pushing a stroller, dog on leash, toddler trailing behind. Henry said, “What do you think that kid’s name is?” and with no hesitation at all, I blurted out, “Zephyr.” So then Henry kept laughing which was off-putting because he never laughs at anything I say because only MANS IS FUNNEE, and he kept hoping the guy would call his kid so we could find out but he never did but also he looked the kind of dad that would say, “SONNY BOY” instead of the kid’s name.

Then we brought our breakfast home and I’ll tell you, my vegan tofu scramble sammy was good but not $13’s worth of good.

And now I will walk to the post office and then eventually log onto work while doling out duties for Henry because STAY AT HOME is my FAVORITE HENRY. And hopefully Chooch checks in with us at some point?!!? I forgot to yell “DON’T GET BULLIED!! MOMMY LOVES YOU!!” out the window when he got out of the car UGHHHH.

Pictures of my cats, paired up with some sentences. So blessed.

Trying to figure out why the squirrels like the windowsill.

• My brother and I signed up for the Genesis tour presale which happens tomorrow and hopefully we get tickets! I absolutely hate big arena/stadium concerts because the process of buying tickets is so stressful and icky. I can only hope it’s better than trying to get kpop tickets! I’ve seen Phil Collins once when I was in high school, and I saw Mike + the Mechanics several years ago, BUT NEVER HAVE I EVER SEEN GENESIS.

• I started watching Shadow & Bone on Netflix, with major skepticism. I couldn’t finish the book series because, contrary to popular opinion, I really don’t like Leigh Bardugo’s writing. Everyone’s all OMG HER WORLD BUILDING but I couldn’t picture anything (and HONEY my imagination is GOODLY) and I felt all the characters were flat AF. I think I gave the first book a 3.5 because Booktube gaslit me but that second book was a SNOOZEFEST. I just can’t be bothered to pick up another Bardugo book. But the series so far is pretty decent! First of all, holy shit, they made Mal seem like an actual person but with more than one dimension! And they’re weaving the Six of Crows storyline into it which I didn’t read that duology but those characters are THE SHIT so should I attempt to read it??!!

• There was this vegan joint we wanted to eat at when we were in Columbus last week but then I realized that morning that they’re closed on Sundays so I was super sad, and THEN USA Today featured them in a list of the Top 10 vegan BBQ places in the US so now I’m super mad.

• You guys! It’s Asian Read-a-thon month! I read a ton of Asian authors to begin with but I try to read ALL Asian for the month of May and I’m so excited about my TBR! If you are reading this and would like some good Asian recs PLEASE ASK ME because I love to recommend books!

• Henry just sat down and literally started reading off a recycling chart to me as if I’m not writing in my blog. He gets ruder and ruder as he ages, ISTG.

• Henry cleaned and fluffed my old chaise lounge that I’ve had since I first moved into this bitch ass house in 1999. We moved it onto the back porch last December after we scored the church pew, and I had dreams of transforming the porch into my cozy reading nook for spring time and that was all good and grand until I realized that HENRY’S GRANDKIDS’ PLAY ROOM IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL so unless they’re not home, I guess I won’t be relaxxin’ and maxxin’ on the porch with a book. Ugh kids seriously. Between the ones next door, and what sounds like an entire nursery school in the house behind us, I am already craving those closed window winters again. *CRIES IN ANTI-KID*

• I told Chooch that all I want for Mother’s Day is the ability to use my mom’s old Jackie Sorenson aerobics video that I’ve been obsessed with since I was in middle school and took with me when I moved out of the house at 18 but now I don’t have a VCR anymore and I want to somehow transfer the tape onto something else that will enable me work out to the fucking fantastic soundtrack of FOREIGNER, ENGLAND DAN & JOHN FORD COLEY, AND BARBARA STREISAND. I know he will fail because I asked him the other day to remind me what I wanted for Mother’s Day and he was like, “………………………”

• Friendly reminder that Seungri still hasn’t been charged with anything and BIGBANG is the greatest Kpop group of all time.

• You guys! We made reservations for our first amusement park since December 2019! We’re going to Hershey in two weeks and I AM SO FUCKING READY TO RIDE ROLLER COASTERS AND TELL HENRY THAT HE’S BREATHING HEAVY WHILE WE’RE STANDING IN LINE! I know Chooch is ready to dust off his coaster credit Excel spreadsheet, lol.

• Here is an excerpt from my first vacation journal (which is still sitting out on the coffee table so I skim through it every now and then for, what do they call ’em, SHITS & GIGGLES: Orlando July 8, 1989 TODAY WE ARE GOING TO LEAVE. I’M GOING TO MISS IT. I WANT TO FEED THE DUCKS BEFORE WE GO. SO FAR I DIDN’T SEE THEM YET. WELL, THE DUCKS CAME. WE FED THEM A BUN. THEN WE WENT TO PERKINS FOR BREAKFAST. WE BROUGHT THE DUCKS PANCAKES AND FRENCH TOAST. WHEN WE CAME BACK THE DUCKS ATE EVERYTHING! THEN I WROTE A NOTE TO THE NEXT PEOPLE WHO WILL LIVE THERE TO FEED THE DUCKS.

Wow, on that scintillating literary note, I am signing off. BYE BOY.

Good morning, it’s the first Sunday in May (also Henry’s mom’s bday, shout out to Judy!) and I have some thoughts and photos to share.

I got my second Pfizer shot on Thursday! In less then two weeks now, both Henry and I will be fully good to go! Anyway, as I previously mentioned, we went to different vaccination sites and even though I got my first shot nearly a week before his, he got his second shot two days before me because the place I went to was scheduling the second dose for 4 weeks out instead of 3 ughhh. Anyway, this time henry got a FUCKING PIN to boast his newly vaccinated self, a tote bag, AND AN AQUA MAN BANDAID.

I didn’t get anything other than that weird UFO bandage again but this time went so much more smoothly and I almost was able to walk right in without waiting at all, AND the volunteer who checked me out after I received the jab was my old Girl Scout troop leader, Donna!! So that was really nice to see a familiar face!

I requested Thursday and Friday off from work just in case I had a bad case of “second dose” like a lot of people had but aside from soreness from the actual jab and slight chills and fatigue that night and a bit the next day, it wasn’t really anything to complain about and honestly the fear of getting COVID and infecting others GREATLY OUTWEIGHED the fear of having a fever or whatever for 24 hours. Please please please don’t skip the second shot!

Meanwhile, Henry has been on a zoo deep dive ever since we went to the Columbus Zoo last weekend. “Apparently the largest zoo in the world is the London Zoo,” he reported after one of his research sessions.

Coincidentally, a few days earlier I had skimmed my baby’s first vacation journal for shits and giggles, even holding Henry hostage on the couch as I read aloud countless passages penned by a 10-year-old me. But by doing so, I discovered that I have actually been to the London Zoo and have no recollection and the following entry KIND OF jostled free some dormant memories and I immediately felt like shit:

Please allow me to tell you what I was able to READ BETWEEN THE LINES: not so much my mom, but my Grandma was EXTREMELY controlling of my appearance. Look, when I was 10, I had braces, two chins, an unruly rat’s nest of hair.

I was F-to-the-RUMPY, you guys. And my mom used to insist that I pull the sides of my hair away from face with the aid of these shitty barretts (sic) that HURT MY FUCKING HEAD. Apparently, she told my grandma to make sure that I wore them on vacation and my grandma could be so fucking mean, so while it looks like Sharon is being the asshole in this situation, I can 100% promise you that she was trying to protect me from my grandma’s emotionally abusive wrath and as I read this last week, as a 41-year-old grown-ass woman, I felt so fucking small all over again.

I know that I am very privileged in that I got to travel to all these great places as a kid, but the psychological price that I paid has left me with an everlasting emotional debt. No fucking wonder I don’t remember going to this goddamn zoo because I can guarantee you that what I left off the page is all the puke-inducing sobbing I probably did while left alone in the hotel room that morning.

OMG I know that Henry and I bicker here and there when we travel but I fucking PRAY that we have left Chooch with more good memories than not so that when he’s an adult thinking back on these trips, he will just smile instead of feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

But in funnier vacation journal entries, here’s one from the same trip where I recount all of my self-diagnosed maladies:

We had a “match the baby picture with the co-worker” contest at work (apparently this was something I suggested several years ago and the Event Committee used it!?) and I came in second place which is annoying because NATE came in first place AND I GAVE HIM SOME ANSWERS!! Oh well, I was still happy with my Amazon gift card, which I used to buy these cute solar-powered ball thingies for the porch and a 10 pound bag of “backyard critter” feed, lol.

Well that’s all for me right now. I’m having a great weekend watching Henry get stuff done but now it’s time for my second walk of the day. I gotta go go go!

You guys know I spend most of my life walking around the ‘hood because I’m an obsessive step counter. Well, sometimes I take pictures too and I have no idea why because I never do anything with them BUT I VOWED THAT I WOULD SHARE THEM ON HERE THIS WEEK. I’ll never get married so this might be the only vow I make.

Anyway. Enjoy.

K BYE!!!