Yeah guys, hi. Hey. ‘Sup.

Remember a few days ago when I told you that Amber replaced our way outdated Golden Thumb Award with a Bob Ross Chia Pet? And that I greedily claimed it at our Monday meeting? Well, we got him all set up today and it was majorly team-building in that a third of the group GAVE ME BAD WATER MEASUREMENT ADVICE.

But let’s back up.

The Golden Thumb was something that our old supervisor handed out at our weekly meetings to the team member who excelled the week before. It was kind of a joke tbh, and Amber has wisely eschewed it for this new fun gimmick.

It’s a new era!

Since Bob was in my possession, I got the party today by soaking him in water. Glenn was worried that we wouldn’t find something to soak him in and I was like “Hello, I have three empty plastic trick-or-treat pumpkins in my desk. I think we’ll be fine.”

So off I went down the hall and to the kitchen, gripping a plastic pumpkin in one hand and clutching Bob by the neck with the other. This likely did not look unusual to anyone who saw because, well, IT ME.

In the kitchen, I put Bob in the pumpkin, set the pumpkin in the sink, and then began to fill ‘er up. Debby came in. “Do I even want to ask?” she sighed, so I quickly gave her the run-down of how Bob Ross is the new member of the processor team, etc etc and she was like, “Wow.”

The second part of the process was the Soaking of the Seeds. The instructions said to add two teaspoons of seeds to 1/4 cup of water. PANIC. STRESS. A TEASPOON?! A QUARTER CUP?! How to measure?!?!?

“Just use a spoon,” Glenn said, and Todd supported this. Todd also happened to be going into the kitchen at the same time as me, so when I frantically held up a paper cup and cried, “HOW DO I KNOW HOW MUCH?!” he suggested “half.”

So I did “half.”

But then I went to Lauren on my way back to my desk for a second opinion.

“Um….I would dump out like an inch of that,” she said, squinting at the water line.

I feel like she probably cooks sometimes so she would know.

I dumped out an inch of water into the nearby water fountain.

After that, my assignment to stir occasionally for 30 minutes. It was daunting though because it looked like something gross and healthy that I would eat for lunch (like some kind of slimy earth porridge) so I had to be mindful not to put the spoon in my mouth.

Thirty minutes went by and while the seed mixture was definitely jellied and thicker than it was in the beginning, it didn’t spread very well on Bob’s head. Amber was getting angry because the seed-splooge kept sliding off and then LAUREN HAD THE NERVE TO SAY THAT SOMEONE MUST HAVE USED TOO MUCH WATER and I was like, “I ONLY DID WHAT YOU PEOPLE TOLD ME TO DO!” and then it turned into a thing and I can’t wait for when Bob’s fro doesn’t grow and everyone BLAMES ME. UGH.

(However, now I’m wondering if I don’t really know how much “an inch” is.)

Pictured above is Bob posin’ in front of one of two Glenn Galleries. Amber applied the chia-jizz as best as she could, so we’ll see what happens.

Hopefully we can replace Glenn in no time!

At one point during this Bob Ross gardening activity, I had slight deja vu.

“Do I have a Bob Ross Glenn?” I asked no one in particular but then the real Glenn answered, “It’s hard to say. You made so many.”

Later, I checked out the display of Glenns (it’s like MoMA up in our department) and sure enough, there was Bob Ross Glenn.

“Yeah guys, he’s right under Jeffrey Dahmer Glenn!” I cried out but no one cared.

And then I just got depressed because the origin of those Glenns was basically the best thing I ever did here in the office. I totally fucking peaked in 2012. There’s no topping that. Ughhh.

Here’s a quickie.

• Chooch the Entrepreneur has been theatrically shoveling sidewalks in order to lure the residents out with cash in their hands. Hot Naybor Chris gave him tips on how to really get down to the sidewalk and the Italian guy a few houses down GAVE HIM $20. TWENTY FUCKING BUCKS to shovel a sidewalk that’s only like 20 feet. A DOLLAR A FOOT?! Jesus Christ this kid is a swindler. He was out there again tonight and made another $8. He doesn’t even ask for it. They just come out of their houses with it. Ugh. I want to make money too!! I’m going to buy a snowblower.

• I finally finished the Goblin series (it’s a Korean drama from 2016-2017) and I am emotionally desiccated. I purposely dragged it out because I didn’t want it to end / dreaded how much I was going to cry when it did end. I tried to tell Henry how it ended but I got too choked up.
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  To sum it up real quick without spoilers: there’s a Goblin, a reaper (he’s my favorite), a girl who can see ghosts, a chicken shop owner who is IMO the prettiest girl in South Korea, and the soundtrack is SO BEAUTIFUL. I will never be able to listen to any of these songs without sobbing uncontrollably though.

• hey speaking of “finally doing something,” we finally put our Halloween cornstalks out with the trash tonight. Yeah they’ve been tied to the pillars of our front porch since late September, WHAT OF IT??
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  !! #thathouse

• I really want to start roller skating regularly again but there’s only one local rink left and I dislike the people who run it. WHAT TO DO. And then I had a flash-forward to me rollerskating, falling, breaking my leg, and not being able to KpopX for MONTHS.
• For the first time in 9 years, Henry mixed up a card order. I found out today when someone contacted me on Etsy to say that they ordered a BTS birthday card for their daughter but received one that said “I don’t know if I want to date you or put your head on a stick.” YEP Henry sent a fucking serial killer card to a lady who ordered an innocent KPOP card. Awesome. I refunded her money but wanted to just give her ALL MY MONEY IM SO SORRY LADY. :(
  • I made a separate shop for my KPOP cards (Hello Hanguk!) but I haven’t had a chance to sit down and make a banner and all that jazzy stuff just yet so they have to rub elbows with the serial killers over at noncompos for just a bit longer. Sigh.

• Drew’s new thing is jumping and perching on Chooch. They have a strange relationship.
• I didn’t watch the Golden Globes.
• I bought this chrysanthemum tea stuff at the Asian market even though Henry barked, “YOURE NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT!” and then when he saw the price, it was all, “YOU BETTER DRINK EVERY LAST PACKET!!!” (It was only $8 but he has a blue collar wallet). Anyway, it wasn’t tea per se, but “honey-coated chrysanthemum crystals” — literally packets full of small gold balls that dissolve in water and is already WAY SWEETENED. So yeah, it was great! Granted, I didn’t mix it well enough so by the time I got to the end of it, it tasted like I was drinking out of a flower pot. I made Glenn try one and he monotoned, “It’s not bad. All I taste is the honey. Would be good iced, too, maybe.” WHAT A GREAT REVIEW! He should do this professionally on YouTube. I gave one to Lauren too. She didn’t try it yet but said she’ll be sure to have her epi pen ready.
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• Hey speaking of work, our little group used to pass out this giant thumb award to the person who did something good that week, but now that Amber’s our supervisor, she decided that the thumb is ready to be retired and replaced it with A BOB ROSS CHIA PET! I was privy to this ahead of time because I’m awesome and people come to me for team-builiding advice (LOL) but I liked Amber’s chia pet suggestion so much that I didn’t even bother contributing my own ideas. CHIA PET. Anyway, she debuted it in today’s meeting and I quickly said, “Well, I think I should get it first because, um, I talked about this stuff or whatever” and half-heartedly pointed at the email I talked about for like 3 minutes while roughly snatching the chia pet from the middle of the table. FIRST!
• I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow for round 2 of my deep cleaning, god help me. (Actually, it’s totally worth it because I am fucking obsessed with my gums and thought that I had gum disease and was going to lose all of my teeth. The hygienist assured me that my gums will be fine after a deep cleaning and my teeth aren’t falling out.)
• The other night, I was angry so I rage-cut my hair. My hair was getting pretty long so you can’t really tell, but I just grabbed chunks of it and started cutting. The sound of scissor blades crunching on dry hair is sooooo pleasing to me. I might need to start cutting other people’s hair though because at the rate my temper has been flaring lately, I might be looking like GI Jane. I have issues, but at least I’m upfront about them…?!!?

That’s all I got for now. I was originally going to have a non compos cards Valentine commercial but Henry’s card blunder RUINED THAT for now and I can’t look at my cards so maybe tomorrow we’ll see.

Remember the other day when I posted a sob story? I know, all my stories are of the sob genre, but specifically the post about how fucking cold it’s been here in Pittsburgh. Well, Saturday was still fucking cold.

I started the day with several walking workouts on YouTube since it’s just been too much to walk around the neighborhood in this weather (my Mexican taco cart boyfriend has probably forgotten me by now, ugh). And then I watched Goblin – it has taken me nearly a year to get through this drama because IT IS SO FUCKING SAD. It makes me ugly-cry so hard, it’s repulsive. Even more than This Is Us. But it is so, so, so good.

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And then Henry made me this bubbling ramyun for lunch because HAVE I MENTIONED IT’S GODDAMN COLD OUT? Every year I swear that I won’t be that person who complains about the weather or points out the obvious but man, I will just never be OK with winter. Sorry all you winter stans.

After lunch, Henry had to go to the eye doctor and originally I was just going to stay home. But then I remembered that the eye place is very close to Century III Mall, and since Chooch and I haven’t been able to get in our nightly walks, I thought it would be fun to pose as elderly mall walkers. Because, if you’re from this area you already know — there ain’t much else to do at the near-defunct Century III Mall.

Henry dropped us off and I was shocked to see that since I was last there (less than a year ago), nearly every store had closed. I’m not being hyperbolic here, either. We walked through almost an entire wing before we finally came across something that was open — freaking Things Remembered, ugh that store is so lame.

One of my friends posted a few months ago that Italian Village Pizza, the last remaining joint in the food court, had closed. Chooch and I walked over to that side of the mall and it was actually really cold, obvious that it wasn’t even being heated anymore. And my favorite wing of the mall is now entirely off-limits: the steps and escalators are all blocked off.

I know I’m a super sentimental person, but I was shocked at how much this hurt. There was a pet store down there that my friend Rachael worked at and I would visit her there in high school. And then off to the right down there was Champ’s, where I would buy all of my Champion and Starter hoodies and coats (I was a yo-girl and dressed almost exclusively in JNCO & Karl Kani jeans and college sports sweatshirts, lol — I really liked Michigan for some reason?!). When I was in 9th grade, I befriended the cutest salesguy in that joint — Will. Ugh, he was so dreamy, and like probably in college. I remember my friends Jameelah & Erika also really liked him and would get so mad because he paid the most attention to me, and after I started dating my “first love” Justin, Will would always tell me that he wasn’t good enough for me. We used to talk on the phone sometimes too (my mom WAS NOT A FAN OF THIS) but I realized later that he probably just liked me as a little sister and truly did look out for me, which was pretty awesome now that I’m old enough to see it for what it was.

I tried to regale Chooch with some of my memories, like how the dark, cobblestoned portion of the bottom floor had a shop called the Pittsburgh Store and it’s where I would get all of my stickers. “I collected stickers and had like 87 sticker books,” I told Chooch.

“Of course you did,” he sighed.

And how there was a Dairy Queen back there too, where Keri and I would always stop for refreshments on one of our ritual Friday night mall lurks. (I would always get the tropical flavored one.) And how one time we were accused of shoplifting at the Claire’s in the now-closed wing of the mall, and of course we proved that we didn’t do it but I couldn’t get the bitch manager to apologize so Keri’s mom called the mall and flipped her shit on them.

There was actually only one time in my whole life that I shoplifted, and it was when I was like 4 or 5 years ago. My mom and I were in some kitchen store on the second floor of that mall and I walked out with two magnets made out of peanut shells, and then felt so terrible when I realized what I did that I cried all night and never did that again.

But honestly, I practically lived at that mall from 7th to 10th grade. In 8th grade, I’d get dropped off every Friday night with the hopes of seeing SCOTT DAMBAUGH, who I was desperately crushing on. Even Henry knows the Dambaugh lore.

To be honest, that mall started going downhill back in the 90s when it was first sold and renovated. It was “modernized,” which basically just means they took out all of the cool parts, like the stage area that was outside of Kaufmann’s (Richard Simmons performed there once!). And the smaller third floor area was pretty much just left to die, and that has always pained me because that’s where my favorite music shop was (Waves — I bought what feels like a million dollars-worth of cassingles from that place), where my friend Liz and I “accidentally” lost the French foreign exchange student who was staying with my family during the summer of ’92, and where the best arcade was (the mall had two back then). It was also where one of my first memories originates, it’s super unclear, but I remember my Pappap and me walking around the mall a lot when I was really young, like pre-school age. And there was a…OK bear with me because I just tried to tell Henry this story and he looked at me with question marks undulating around his furry brows. How to even start this. There was a department store on that side of the mall – I thought it was Gimbles but Henry was all THAT WAS ON THE SIDE WHERE THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT IS NOW. Maybe it was Hornes then? It doesn’t matter. All that matters was that on the wall outside of it, next to the entrance, there were buttons. I never knew what they were for, but it was like a ritual for me to push them every time. And the one was brown so I would pretend that every time I pushed it, coffee was being made.

I started to remember this when I was an older kid, and when I brought it up to my Pappap he was like, “Bitch you cray” and when I started hanging out at the mall later in life with friends, I actively tried to find those buttons and no one ever knew what the hell I was talking about.

Also, the third floor used to have this super cute It’a A Small World-esque Christmas display AND NO ONE REMEMBERS THAT EITHER. Please, dear god, if you’re from Pittsburgh and have any clue what I’m going on about, PLEASE COMMENT AND VALIDATE ME.

Oh man, I just now had a recollection of buying Billy Ocean’s greatest hits for myself at Waves, and as the cashier rang me up, I turned to my friend Christy and shouted, “SUSIE IS REALLY GOING TO LIKE THIS CD” because I didn’t want the guy to know it was for me, and it’s hilarious to me that I even once cared about what someone would think about my musical persuasions!

Or going to National Record Mart when I was in third grade because I wanted to buy the T’Pau record but all I knew was that I liked the song “Heart & Soul.” When the clerk asked me who the artist was, all I could say was, “I don’t know. She looks like Tracey Ullman.” OMG AND GOING TO KAUFMANN’S TO BUY CONCERT TICKETS!

UGH AND POGS!!!!!!

Other memories I have of the mall are, pre-vegetarianism, skulking around Hickory Farms for the free kielbasi samples; eating at Alby’s Big Boy as a kid and falling into the dark hole of penpalling thanks to the penpal section of the kids menu (I WAS EVEN FEATURED ONCE!!!!!); getting all of my film developed, with doubles!, at Ritz Camera; meeting some of the Penguins at an event there after they won their first Stanley Cup (Phil Bourque and Peter Taglianetti were definitely two of them, but I’d have to find my old pictures to remember who else was there); playing the Simpsons arcade game with my brother Ryan; GETTING THE WORST HAIR CUT OF MY LIFE AT SOME SALON THAT’S NOT THERE ANYMORE THANKS MOM; Taco Tina’s.

I’ve still been going to that mall a handful of times a year, because it still has Hot Topic and Journeys. But now Journeys is gone too! I hope that my Dance Gavin Dance friend Sam got to relocate to a different Journeys. :(

On this particular afternoon, it was pretty much just me, Chooch, some elderly people, and a kid pretending to be a zombie. Chooch wanted new shoes and that was a struggle considering 90% of the stores are closed and JC Penney is the only department store left. But we eventually found a cool pair of red ADIDAS at Champs (in a new location). And they were majorly on sale too because the mall was sold to UPMC and all the remaining stores are just waiting for their leases to run out, I guess. I mean, even Spencer’s is gone. Does a mall even exist without a Spencer’s?

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Inexplicably, what the mall DOES have is a beautiful double-decker carousel that’s managed to last for several years now. Chooch and I naturally wanted to ride it but my credit card wasn’t swiping properly so the ride operator graciously let us ride for free!

“ARE WE GOING UPSTAIRS?!” I cried, and of course Chooch answered yes so we clobbered up the steps and picked our animals.

The ride operator waved to us every time we rotated past her, and I waved back the first few times but then just pretended like I didn’t notice after that because it was getting to be too much.

After this, we went to Penney’s, because we still hadn’t reached 10,000 steps (we got Chooch a Fitbit for Christmas and he and I are “healthy” competitors). I was about to try on some slutty jeans when Henry texted and said, “Don’t buy anything.”

Um, OK, control freak.

“Especially not stupid, overpriced red shoes.”

I showed Chooch and we both looked at each other like, “WHAT HOW WHY.” I figured he probably got a text notification that I purchased something from Champs because ever since we had our account hacked several years ago, Henry gets notified for every last purchase just in case.

“Or merry-go-round rides.”

OK, for sure I figured he probably just saw our picture on Instagram, but I wasn’t sure how he knew that we bought red shoes. Then he asked where we were and after I said “Penneys” he appeared behind us LIKE A FUCKING CREEPER. Turns out, he had been in the mall for a minute because he had to go to the Verizon store, and on his way there, he walked past us just as we were getting on the carousel. He even mimicked me saying, “ARE WE GOING UPSTAIRS?!” Lol! I was like, “OMG were you so proud to know us?!” and he said no, that he hung his head in shame and hurried past us before we saw him.

WOW, RUDE.

Henry said the first thing he noticed was that Chooch was wearing brand new bright red shoes hahaha.

So that took up pretty much the whole afternoon.

I spent some time in the evening making some new Kpop cards, and then later we had family KpopX night! THIS IS MY FAVORITE NIGHT! HENRY DOESN’T EVEN TRY!

We finished the night by watching an old Running Man episode featuring IU, so I had my tea in an IU cup. It was a good day. I mean, it was cold as fuck. But it was good.

Today is the coldest day of winter so far here in Pittsburgh and I am pretty angry about it. I hated winter as a kid, and I still hate it as a “grown-up.” You can keep your snow! I don’t even need it on Xmas!

Speaking of Christmas. Back in November, Chris and Monica came back from Iceland and Amsterdam with some gifts for us for taking care of their cat Graham (the best orange cat I’ve ever known!). Chooch got some really cool toy-type souvenirs and amazing slipper socks from Iceland, while Henry and I got an assortment of chocolate bars. Chooch, forgetting that he had his own bounty right there in front of him, could only focus on the fact that we got chocolate and he did not.

KIDS, AMIRITE?

Sike, I’m the same.

Anyway, for Christmas, Chris & Monica got him this obscene 4lb chocolate bar from Trader Joe’s and he was gobsmacked (I don’t know why I had such an urge to use that word because it is totally not a word I would ever say out loud, ever…?). I have to admit that we have collectively mowed that sucker halfway down throughout the week. It’s good chocolate!

And this is one of the gifts they got me ^^^. Honestly, it’s like someone plunged a turkey baster into my brain and then splooged the contents onto a wooded plaque, because if this doesn’t scream ERIN RACHELLE KELLY then I guess you just haven’t been reading this blog as diligently as you should, NOW HAVE YOU.

I made Henry hang it up as soon as we got home later that night:

Now I get to see it every day when I leave for work and it makes me feel less hateful!

Also, Chris is a whiz with fancy yarn and made me this infinity scarf. I AM SPOILED. She made slouchy hats for Henry and Chooch, too. WE ARE ALL SPOILED. We were so lacking in the Xmas gift exchange department this year, but I swear I will make up for that with gifts from Korea. They are just way too good to us!

Anyway, perfect timing for this scarf because it’s been in the teens all week, weather-wise, here in Pittsburgh. Of course, I still went outside every day for my lunch break walk because I’m a fucking low-IQ masochist, but I just need that daily walk or else I will have sat at my desk all day and that’s bad. The one day, Wednesday maybe, it was a sweltering 20 degrees out and we were all raving about how it felt like a veritable heatwave at that point. It was the best walk of my week because not only was I out of the frostbite zone, but the sun was shining full force and it felt amazing on my face, like a fucking vitamin D bukkake. Hit me baby one more time.

I felt like dancing through the Strip District.

Or stripping. You don’t know what I’m capable of.

Here is a New Year’s Eve picture of Peenlop.

Blanket buddies.

Wendy got Chooch this blanket for Christmas after I told her that he always hogs my couch blanket, you know, Mr. I NEVER GET COLD yet somehow is always wrapped in my blanket. Now he has his own and I want it! It’s so cool!

Well, let’s keep this short & sweet. I need to go and do jumping jacks to warm myself up. Never underestimate the power of simple jumping jacks, my 친구.

Feels like I’m obliged to, anyway.

For me personally, this last year was actually really great aside from uncontrollable emotional breakdowns. I hate to use this word, but the #metoo movement has me so triggered. I’m not saying I’m mad that this is a dialogue we’re finally having, and that abusers are being called out, but it has really stirred some things in me that I keep thinking are in the past but apparently are a part of me forever. I’m working through that while being continuously fired-up and wanting to scratch the faces off of every vile predator out there, our “president” being at the top of the list.

Add that to the pot with everything else that was/is going on: the internal conflicts within our country, the shootings, the deaths, the racism and Neo-Nazi resurgence, the uncertainty of nuclear war—these things have me, like so many of my fellow sane Americans, so stressed out that it’s sometimes hard to remember that I had a lot of fun adventures with Henry and Chooch, explored new cities, spent time with a lot of friends, and worked hard at making some huge personal and physical changes. For instance, I went to buy new pants for work yesterday and tried on several size 6s, just on a whim, and was shocked to find that they slid right up, no sucking-it-in needed! I try to keep my weight loss journey on the down low because it is something that I’m kind of modest about, if that makes sense (and I’m certainly not posting a thousand full-body mirror selfies of myself on the Internet because no one needs to see that before & after other than me) but for god’s sake I worked so hard for this so I’m just gonna drop myself some praise on here, OK?! This didn’t happen for no reason and I’m more than happy to talk about it with anyone who is looking for something new to try.

I still dream of being a KpopX instructor! Too bad I hate being around people so much. Especially IN FRONT of them!

I think it’s kind of funny how we put so much stock in calendar years, like just because one year full of terrible things is coming to an end, the new year coming up will allow us a fresh start as if we’re not going into 2018 with the same president, etc., but I am definitely on the GTFO 2017 bandwagon and am anxious to try my best to do my part in making 2018 better than the last. That was a really long sentence.

Sorry if this is harsh or whatever but my only resolution for this new year is to stay alive.

Here are a few highlights of the last year, off the top o’ my head:

• My mom! While the catalyst that brought us back together was devastating and traumatic, it has been nice having her in my life again and my favorite part is that she’s made such a huge effort to have a relationship with Chooch and he LOVES hanging out with her. They’ve done two escape rooms together in less than a month, ha!
• Henry became a grandfather to three cute baby boys! ‘Nuff said!
• MEETING MAYA!! A definite highlight, after e-knowing each other for so many years thanks to Etsy’s Dark Side!
• Leaving Facebook: Henry & I both deactivated our accounts last June. I was motivated to do so because I was so sick & tired of people starting arguments with “Well so-and-so said that you posted this on Facebook…” Like, how has our real life come to this? People used to make fun of me over a decade ago when I would say, “Ugh didn’t you read my blog?!” But these are the same people who are saying, “Didn’t you see my FB post?!” NO! BECAUSE I DONT SPEND ALL FUCKING DAY SCROLLING THROUGH MEMES, BUZZFEED QUIZZES, AND VAGUEPOSTS. Not knocking anyone who uses FB but I miss it waaaaay less than I thought I would and guess what, I still talk to the same people I have always talked to, maybe even more because now we have things to say to each other that we haven’t already seen in a status update! Yes, I’m still on Twitter. Yes, I’m still on Instagram. But I spend way less time on both of those platforms combined than I did on FB alone. I never thought I would be such an old person about this but man I miss the olden days when I sent emails to my friends because it cost to text and Henry was always on data patrol. I could go on and on about this, you guys.
• The neighbor from hell was arrested! BYEBYE, BOOTS.
• OMG Chooch & that damn church carnival! Seems like not something that should make a 2017 highlight reel but fuck, this whole situation cracked me up so bad. Chooch is such a freaking character.
• Traveling: While we didn’t take a full-fledged vacation in 2017, we did manage to sneak in quite a few road trips: twice to Cleveland (always a great time seeing our pal Jason!), Newark, Toronto, Chicago, and Detroit-ish. Each one of these trips, even the ones that were only day-trips, were big, shining gems on the 2017 calendar.
• Getting to see my old BFF Alisha after 7 years! She was visiting from Arkansas so we soaked up some quality hangs while eating vegan fare.
• My New K-Life: I write about this constantly, I know. I supposedly have over 700* subscribers but I can only imagine how many of them have my blog notifications going straight to spam at this point! But honestly, I can’t stress how much of an impact South Korea has had on my life. For the first time ever, I have actually wanted to learn a new language (and not forced myself to do it because Latin would look great on college applications, pahahaha). I have found myself almost effortlessly living a healthy lifestyle because it doesn’t feel like I’m on a diet or dragging myself out of bed to exercise – I want to be eating this food and I want to be doing Kpop dance workouts because it brings me so much fucking joy. No calorie counting, no gyms, no diet pills. And while all of that was happening, I have learned more about the Korean culture than I know about my own damn country, and have fallen hardcore in love with it. Sorry, Henry. You always said that I’m not capable of loving more than one thing at a time.
  • G-Dragon: He was my first major love in the Kpop world. I watched so many videos of him and would cry, “What I wouldn’t give to be under the same roof as him!” Well, I got my wish ON MY BIRTHDAY! Seeing G-Dragon perform at the Air Canada Centre was everything, and 100% the main, golden highlight of my whole motherfucking year. I randomly look over at Henry, put my hand firmly on his arm, and ask, “CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW CLOSE WE WERE TO G-DRAGON?!” and he just calmly says, “No.”
  • KCON: I still can’t believe I got Henry on board with this–an entire weekend at a kpop convention in Newark. NEWARK. But good lord, did Chooch and I have so much fun.
  • Taeyang: In September, I got to see another member of BIGBANG perform solo – Taeyang! Henry was so happy because I decided to not go to Riot Fest in Chicago, which was going to save us so much money, but then Taeyang announced a tour and woo hoo, guess we’re going to Chicago after all! I went to the concert by myself though because kpop is expensive, you guys. I wish I was still a kid with rich parents because footing these bills on my own really sucks. BUT IT’S WORTH IT!
    • *700 subscribers?! Who are you!? Say hello sometime!

My year in music, not shocking to anyone:

And I will leave you with an end of the year performance of my most-listened-to song of 2017, Vixx’s “Shangri-La.” (Honestly I’m very surprised it wasn’t BIGBANG’s “Cafe” or Taemin’s “Press Your Number.”)

[ETA: So weird story. While I was watching this video before work, I said to Chooch that I was surprised they were even asked to perform at any of these big year-end music festivals because their comeback last…May?…really seemed to sputter and go nowhere, which I thought was a shame because I LOVED THIS SONG (Spotify’s like, “We know.”) Anyway, later on in the day I was reading my Kpop sites, lol, and I saw that apparently the video of Vixx’s performance was on Naver’s mainpage and ended up going viral, and now they’re going to get a second chance at a comeback stage on Music Core!! This is really cool. Good for Vixx!]

Henry and I worked hard to make sure that we were offering a good array of Korean fare. We have both learned so much about it over the last year and honestly have adapted our daily diet around it, no joke. Most of my meals are seasoned heartily with gochugaru and swimming in gochujang that my tongue rarely feels the heat of spicy food anymore. I’m over here like, “Here try this, it’s not spicy at all” while people are gasping and reaching desperately for a glass of cold milk.

So we tried to keep it authentic* while not incinerating our guests’ cheek linings.

* (As authentic as possible considering neither of us are Korean; but as someone who really likes cooking, I will say that Henry treats this cuisine with utmost respect and doesn’t try to Americanize it at all. He even added eomuk – fish cakes – to the tteokbokki.)

The final menu was:

• japchae
• tteokbokki (this is seriously one of my favorites and I can’t wait to eat the fuck out of it in Korea)
• bossam (pork belly lettuce wraps)
  • plus a vegetarian pork version for Chooch and me
• Korean fried chicken
• Korean fried tofu
• a handsome (lol) array of banchan

I wanted him to also make kimchi jeon (pancake) but he answered me with a glare; also, we ended up being properly stuffed with what he provided, so perhaps we’ll save the jeon for the next K-dinner party.

The banchan included:

• lotus root
• perilla leaves
• bellflower root (one of my faves!)
• kimchi
• pickled daikon
• fernbrake

All of these were procured from New Sam Bok, a Korean market in the Strip. Henry made the lotus root himself though. I mean, he didn’t GROW it, but he boiled and marinated it and our house smelled so fucking good while that was happening.

I was worried that our guests were going to recoil at the banchan, because let’s face it, this isn’t like your standard side of fucking cole slaw, you know? But these are staples in Korean households, and I have to say that for the last year I have been eating kimchi on a regular basis and it’s to the point where I will sometimes sit at work thinking about it and longing to be home with a side of it in front of me.

Henry also prepared bean sprout (basically just fresh bean sprouts marinated in sesame oil – it’s so good), but we forgot to put it out on the table. C’EST LA VIE, BEAN SPROUTS.

Everyone was waiting for JANNA to get there. She had some excuse about TRAFFIC.

But then she finally arrived and the pouring of the soju commenced. We had two bottles on hand, and Chronica brought two more, so we were set. I wanted to also have magkeolli but we live in shitty Pennsylvania with their prohibitionist liquor restrictions so none of the Asian markets around here sell it. Henry was going to order it from the state store but they were like, “Nice try, you have to buy a whole case.” We obviously didn’t want a full case so no magkeolli for this go around. Maybe next time we’ll plan ahead and take a drive to the nearest H-Mart or something, or Henry can buy a fucking kit and make some.

Holy chopstick holder.

You guys! The banchan was a success! Blake said his favorite was the bellflower (doraji) and everyone resoundingly enjoyed the fernbrake which I thought was going to bomb, even though apparently in Korea it’s the favored banchan. I liked it, but the texture was a bit off-putting. I read that it’s really good in bibimbap though so I think I’m going to have Henry make some of that this week. (He recently bought a dolsat pot!)

Sorry this picture isn’t very appetizing but I was off my food-photog game that night because I was too busy Edward Chopstickhanding all the food into my face. But here’s the tteokbokki and japchae!

And Korean Fried Chicken & Tofu! No pictures of the bossam, though — SORRY.

Every kept saying how much they liked the food, and I was glad for Henry. He deserves all the props and hat tips!

Also, Chooch finally tried kimchi and admitted that he sort of liked it, kind of. I’m actually not sure if he ate anything all night because I was too busy with my face in my plate. I guess I should ask Janna.

Chooch got What Do You Meme for Christmas and was itching for dinner to be over so he could finally play it with Blake and Chris. (“And maybe her,” he said, putting at me as an afterthought. Monica was delighted to not be included because she didn’t want to play. I DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO PLAY EITHER!) At one point, he could contain his excitement no longer and started rummaging through the game; he was so pleased when he pulled out the Kim Jong Un card. Sigh.

Also, Chooch had a seating chart all planned out in his head and his brain all but exploded when people arrived and started sitting wherever they wanted. But he still got to sit next to Blake, which was his ultimate goal, so he left everyone else stay in their seats. It was kind of up in the air there for a minute, though.

Henry spent most of the dinner in the kitchen and then holding his grandson Calvin, but he had no complaints.

And my favorite kpop videos played in the background all during dinner. I even got to answer questions about kpop, the food we were eating, and Korean holidays! It was all I could ask for and I was so happy that everyone there was showing interest and not making me feel dumb for bear-hugging an entire culture that’s not my own. Monica at one point said that everyone has a thing, and some people’s thing i making the rest of us feel bad about having a thing.

This is really true.

After dinner, Chooch finally got to play his damn game, which is basically just as vulgar as Cards Against Humanity and Janna kept putting cards back in the deck because she didn’t want to read them in front of Chooch. I think Janna’s modesty was my favorite part! Monica and Henry wee so happy that they didn’t have to play.

My favorite part of the night was when we played MY favorite game, which Chris says isn’t actually a game, but it’s called, “Use Google Translate to give Chris Spanish sentences to translate” and of course she always gets it because she’s a freaking bilingual genius, but the funnest part is listening to Chooch read the Spanish out loud, even though all of his sentences are disparaging about my cat Penelope and way too complimentary about his dumb cat Drew. Mine was, “Jimin is Henry’s bias because he likes his chipmunk cheeks and luscious lips.” It was so dumb, and maybe it was the wine, soju, and Chris’s homemade eggnog talking, but I was in tears laughing.

I wish I had more pictures, but goddamn I was so into the food and company! It felt nice to be moderately social without the accompanying anxiety for once. It’s been a while. The night was so awesome, but more importantly, my friends are awesome! I’m thankful that they came over and partook in my favorite things for an evening. <3

I woke up to a bunch of texts from friends re: BTS’s Dick Clark NYE performance and that made me really happy!

But you guys, I can’t stress how much better their Korean TV performances are.

I was going to share their KBS Song Festival performances from the other day where they gave an epic fuck-you to all the people who say they can’t sing, BUT THEN I went on my Naver homepage yesterday and saw this performance they just did for Go Go (which I actually like better than Mic Drop but whatever) and decided to share this one instead because we can all use some aegyo in our lives right now. The hearts kill me!

I started writing my 2017 recap the other day but that shit is exhausting so maybe sometime this week I’ll muster up the mental power to plow through it. 2017 was a real mixed bag for me but I’m gonna try to keep it posi.

I was going to have a Christmas party this year because it just seemed like the thing to do, but my heart wasn’t in it and I didn’t want to stress myself out anymore than I already was by trying to force the yuletide spirit up my ass, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Still, I felt that doing something on a smaller scale could boost my mental well-being, so I got Henry to agree to let me have a Korean dinner party, and by “let” I mean that he had to be on board because otherwise we’d just be sitting around eating ramen and kimchi, unless of course I couldn’t find the strength to open the jar.

Of course Henry said yes though because that guy loves to cook and he has really embraced the nuances of Korean cuisine. And thank god because how else could I have spent the last year eating a primarily Korean-based diet? Henry is kind of the best.

I promised him that we would keep it small since he would be doing all the cooking, plus our dining room table is small as fuck. Technically it’s only meant to comfortably seat 6 but I managed to squeeze in two extra seats.

The guest list was:

• Chronica
• Blake & Haley (Blakely? Halke?)
• Janna

This was kind of like their reward for putting up with my complete Korean immersion without judging or mocking me.

A few weeks ago, I had this grand idea that we should put Korean stars on the banchan bowls. (Pro tip for you Westerners who might not know much about Korean food because let’s be real before last year I only knew kimchi and bibimbap: banchan is an array of Korea side dishes that are traditionally served with meals – you don’t order it, they just appear on the table and they are fucking glorious. It’s mostly vegetables, like kimchi, bean sprouts, pickled cucumbers or radish, etc etc. Ah, service.) So that’s what Henry and I had been diligently working on around here lately and I am so happy with the results! For starters, here’s this gorgeous G-Dragon bowl and Chooch’s Got7 tea cup:

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A BIGBANG dessert tray (this is my favorite!).

Weekly Idol & IU tea cups. (I love Weekly Idol so much.)

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I made this one to honor our recently departed Jonghyun. The inside is Korean for “You worked hard.” This dinner party was actually a secret memorial for him in my head. I brought down his picture from my bedroom wall and surrounded it with candles. It made me feel moderately comforted.

For our serving bowls, we made one with Goblin and Boys Over Flowers (two of my favorite k-dramas) and the second one is RUNNING MAN. I used the original 7 members because that is my favorite line-up. Now Gary is gone and they have two new members, but it will always be 7012 in my heart. (THAT’S A RUNNING MAN THING.)

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Ugh, Taemin’s beauty makes my heart hurt.

Here’s all the banchan bowls on the lazy susan! In addition to the G-Dragon and Taemin ones, we also did BTS, SHINee of course, 2NE1, Sistar and a larger rice bowl in the middle was Twice.

Henry wanted Blackpink to be his tea cup but I gave him…

Hyuna instead, because he loves watching her scandalous music videos. Also, he’s actually redoing this one right now as I type this because he fucked up the one mouse ear. This is why I was just in charge of the Photoshop part and he got to do the actual decal placement because I have zero patience for things like that!

Wouldn’t be a K-dinner party without a Girls Generation plate! Don’t worry, this picture was taken the day after the dinner. The cats were not on the table at all prior to that. Also, Chris initially thought that was a kimchi-scented candle and not just me using an empty kimchi jar as a votive holder, which made me laugh!

Another view of the EXO tea cup. This one was hard to make because they currently (allegedly) have 9 members but there is some weird “scheduling conflict” that constantly comes up with their Chinese member, Lay, and he has been AWOL for like every promotion they’ve done in 2017 and some people say that SM Entertainment is trying to quietly force him out of EXO!? I only know like 4 EXO members and am not qualified to make assumptions about this at all, but Kpop’s got some drama.

We used my precious G-Dragon table as the dessert table, natch. We had a type of traditional Korean rice cakes which are often eaten during celebrations such as Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving), honey cookies called yakgwa, and Haley made delicious orange cranberry cupcakes – I was obsessed with the frosting and commented on it like three times like it was the only thing I was capable of talking about.

Also! Korean cinnamon punch, OMG. It tasted just like the kind we bought at the Korean food festival last year! It has a shit-ton of ginger in it and dried persimmons. Chooch was happy because for once we had punch with no alcohol in it.

This was what the table looked like after I finished fussing with it. Everyone got a BIGBANG tea, as well, which I thought would be a nice souvenir but NOT EVERYONE TOOK THEIR EMPTY BOTTLE HOME!

OK, I have shit to do so I’ll be back later to write about the food.