I’m getting so stoked for the Stray Kids concert in a few weeks, my heart needs this, I’m crying they’re so adorable, please watch this and love them with me thanks.

Dude the *only* thing I cared about at this park was the RM, Wicked Cyclone. I was keeping my expectations at like, waist level I would say. This isn’t an RMC that the enthusiasts rank very high in their RMC Glory List but listen Linda: even the worst RMC is better than most other coasters. You have to believe me on this. So maybe this isn’t the Iron Gwazi of New England, but I was still gonna stuff my ass in a seat and appreciate the motherfucking ride.

The line was not long at all, and at a park with good ops, I would guestimate that it was about a 20 minute wait. They had two trains running and the ride duration was not very long. So the line should have moved quickly. But oh FOR THE LOVE, the ops here were excruciatingly slow, like literally crawling. The ride crew was straight up meandering about the station, and it was just such a slap to the face of RMC. This park clearly doesn’t appreciate the glorious mass of I-box tracks that is Wicked Cyclone. Give it to Kennywood. (Well….maybe.)

If you’ve ever ridden Steel Vengeance or even Twisted Timbers, you know that the ride operations on RMCs are TIGHT and STRICT. They don’t let you bring anything on the ride, there are no loose article bins on the platform. You go through a metal detector. They tell you repeatedly not to pull your own restraint down –  they will do it themselves. There’s even a screen  that counts how long each dispatch takes. The whole process is INTENSE AND EFFICIENT.

It was the total opposite of that on this one, lol.

But, we finally got our back row ride! Which promptly ended at the bottom of the lift hill, lol. Luckily, an evac wasn’t necessary but if we had to, it wouldn’t have been too scary since we hadn’t really gone anywhere yet. I didn’t really pay attention to how long we were stopped but it was probably somewhere between 5-10 minutes. They got us up and running pretty quickly and I was lowkey excited to have been stuck on RMC. Weird flex?

OK, honest opinion? DANG ya’ll. This little RMC was FUN. It exceeded my expectations too – not nearly as forceful as SteVe but maybe more along the lines of Storm Chaser at Kentucky Kingdom? It still had the crazy elements but the way it took them was almost GRACEFUL. Yeah, I’m a fan.

We only rode it twice since ops were so fucking abysmal, plus it seemed to break down frequently (like when we were in line for what could have been our second ride). The line never really got any longer than it was the first time we rode it but damn, Six Flags, get your shit together. You need to train your Wicked Cyclone crew accordingly if they’re going to be working on an elite coaster.

I would have loved to have gotten a night ride but the park closed at 8 and we clear on the other side of it when it was nearing time to leave. :(

Aside from that, I would say the lowest point of the day aka the most ridiculously long wait was for the fucking rapids ride which we only rode because it was after Wicked Cyclone broke down and it was right there. I’m fucking sorry, but when you even have shitty ops for the rapids ride, then you really should reevaluate what business you have being a part of the amusement industry because this was absolutely absurd and NO ONE was actively being amused.

We had to have been in that line for an hour and bitch I would never wait an hour for a water ride but that line did deceive me.

AND IT WASN’T EVEN THAT GOOD.

NO ONE GOT WET??

Plus, we were partnered with another group of 3 who came in from the Fast Lane line and the first fucking thing the dad said was, “Thank god for Fast Lane.” Yeah, how about fuck you.

OMG Chooch and I were so fucking miz.

Here we are mumbling, “Is he taking a picture, or…?”

Then we got right into another stupid-long line for Pandemonium, a family spinning coaster. Literally the dumbest rides had the longest lines. The line actually wasn’t TOO bad but not worth anything over 10 minutes, to be honest. Here we are waiting (Henry surprised us by saying he would ride it too!):

At one point in line, I caught Henry chuckling to himself. I put on my INQUISITION CAP and started firing away. He admitted that he was watching the Looney Tunes episode playing on the queue TVs and that he remembered watching it when he was a kid. Of course, Chooch and I took that as our invitation to mock him mercilessly. I literally can’t picture Henry being a kid and doing kid things. So, now we know that he:

• was a paper boy
• smoked trees
• watched Looney Tunes.

Crazy stuff.

Some guy in line said to Henry in passing, “Hey man, nice hat – that’s a sick ride!” about his Velocicoaster hat, so Henry said, “Yes, it is” and I was SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE. HENRY MADE CONTACT WITH ANOTHER MAN IN LINE FOR PANDEMONIUM.

Anyway, we finally got on the idiot ride and at the last possible second, some teenage girl  slid into the seat next to Chooch, making it incredibly awkward and also balancing the weight a bit so that our car didn’t spin at all, not even a single time.

What a waste.

Anyway, credit #231 for Chooch, big whoop. At least now it was time for ice cream!

There were numerous ice cream places around but I was insistent on getting a cone from BROWN DERBY because I liked the looks of it.

Nothing spectacular (they had a real fancy bubble waffle ice cream joint that I would have preferred but it was CLOSED) but it was like 85 degrees out so ice cream was essential.

Henry promised Chooch earlier in the day that he would ride the gigantically tall wave swinger thingie with him because that, along with drop towers and Pirate Ships, are the only things on my DO NOT RIDE list. I’ll ride the regular-height wave swingers but those skyscraper ones can go fuck themselves, to be quite frank.

I sat down on the plush Six Flags asphalt and played on my phone while waiting for them. Apparently there was some huge ordeal when a large group of teen boys blatantly cut the line so Henry was frantically on the app trying to report them while another guy was on hold with Six Flags also in an attempt to report them. I didn’t  know any of this until they got off the ride and filled me in, which made me laugh because only the exact number of riders per cycle was let onto the final part of the line at a time, and when one of the groups was being let onto that final stretch, it LEGIT sounded like a house party on foot. Like all this uproarious…hootin’ and hollarin’ lol. I turned and looked just as this gigantic group of teens spilled out onto the last part of the line and thought to myself, “wow these kids look like trouble with a capital T” because I’m a suburban housewife in a terrycloth robe, spying out the window with cold cream on my face.

This is who I am now.

Anyway, I was cracking up when Chooch and Henry were telling me this because while those kids were in that last part of the line, one of their buddies ran up the exit path and tried to cut with them, but they WOULDN’T LET HIM! They were like “no sir, you gotta get in that line way back there.” What hypocrites!!! Oh, this was so funny to me.

Here’s Henry and Chooch, finally in the next group to go on! People were annoying me so much while I was sitting down there, and by people I mean a young brother and sister recklessly playing with a ball that “some stranger” gave them while their mom only casually supervised from way far away under a tree. They were such brats! Actually, the girl reminded me of myself because she had very strict rules laid out for whatever game they were playing (literally,  they were just kicking the ball back and forth it seemed) and she was growing more and more furious every time things didn’t go her way.

Finally the mom came over and started yelling at them and then she confiscated the ball and started dribbling it so the boy sneered, “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY” and she glowered with indignance, “Excuse me! I played basketball for two years in high school!”

Wow. Lol.

Anyway, she had HAD it with these brat-kids and told them that as SOON AS DADDY AND OTHER KID get off the swings WE’RE GOING HOME.

OK bitch, but you better follow through.

Little cutie I saw while waiting! ^^^^

CAN YOU SEE THEM lol.

Then we rode this Super Girl thing that was fun but the people in line in front of us were so obnoxious. Like, super loud adults being extremely touchy (a guy and girl kept playfully slapping each other super hard and it was driving me nuts) and one of the guys talked in a Donald Duck voice for a solid 5 minutes while his crew cracked up and I was like, “No, guy, that ain’t it” and actually told Chooch at one point that I was going to exit the line.

Like I could picture myself doing it in dramatic fashion, swan-diving into a somersault, rolling out onto the midway and coming to a stop at Henry’s feet.

But no, I stayed and endured. I knew that the line wouldn’t be that long because the ride cycles were short and we were due to be on the next one anyway.

My favorite part was the ride operator repeated numerous times over the speaker, “PLEASE DO NOT PULL DOWN ON THE RESTRAINTS; THEY WILL COME DOWN ON THEIR OWN” but the two dumb bitches in front of me who were a part of the ANNOYING HORDE, stuffed their asses in their seats and IMMEDIATELY wrenched down on the restraints.

DUMB-ASS-ES.

Then the ride operator came around to check everyone’s restraints and when he got to me, he LOOKED ME DEAD IN THE EYES, SMILED AND SAID, “Enjoy your ride” and I swear I did not hear him saying this to anyone else!!! Of course, he killed the mood when he tacked on “ma’am” at the end, but I will take it.

The park was now in the final hour by this point. Since we were already over by this side, I suggested that we ride that damn Joker freespin coaster again and Chooch was SHOCKED but the line was almost non-existent so I thought WHY THE HELL NOT. Turns out, we had a REALLY good ride and even though it was fucking horrifying, I got off the thing and admitted that maybe I was coming around to the concept of the 4D freespins.

People change. It’s called GROWTH, ya’ll.

Also got one last walk-on on Batman, and then made it to the carousel IN THE NICK OF TIME. Chooch was super thrilled.

Then we were tasked with the long walk back to the parking lot, where some young guy (19? 20?) was raging against his two friends over some incident that apparently occurred and he kept trying to push his one friend into a fence and the friend was trying furiously to restrain him in return. It was actually really scary to witness especially when the friend had to flat out bodyslam the guy in the middle of the parking lot to get him to stop trying to fight and the other friend (a girl) was screaming THAT’S ENOUGH and then walked away. The Mad Guy kept screaming about something that happened and how “no one there gave a shit” so was it work-related? School-related? I don’t know but I hope that nothing escalated later or the next day.

It was actually scary.

On the way out, Chooch was like I AM DOING A MOBILE TACO BELL ORDER and Henry was like “ok great” and then they fought over which Taco Bell location he should use, which is always fun. Then we got to the Taco Bell and there were like 8 cars in front of us, and I swear to god it was a longer wait than any coaster we rode that day at Six Flags. Like an hour. An actual hour sitting in a drive-thru, and then the order was all jacked up because it was two fucking stoners working in there alone and they gave Chooch all meat-items in his whatever-box and by this point, I was starving too but it was almost 10PM so I did my pouty baby sulking thing where I was like “JUST FORGET IT, IT’S TOO LATE TO EAT, I’LL JUST GO TO BED.”

Ugh, it was so annoying. Fucking Taco Bell.

The end.

Six Flags usually leaves a bad taste in my mouth – it’s kind of like the Walmart of amusement parks, if you know what I mean. Super commercial, totally tired DC theming, coaster clones, overpriced food…with the exception of Six Flags Great Escape in the Adirondacks, I’ve never left a Six Flags singing about how beautiful it was, etc. All of this is to say that Six Flags New England would normally not be a must-do, go-outta-my-way park for me….

EXCEPT…

It has an RMC.

We have a Six Flags membership (I know, totally negates everything I said there, Mary, Mary…) and this place is situated just over the border from Connecticut so it only ends up being about a 6ish hour drive. (I think that’s what it was and I don’t feel like looking it up again.) It seemed like a good option for Memorial Day Weekend because we wanted to go somewhere new but not too far.

I was NERVOUS because 1) holiday weekend; 2) Six Flags.

But yo! It wasn’t that crowded! We got there when it opened and Chooch and I proceeded to walk on THREE COASTERS: Joker (a 4D free-spin which usually has super long lines because it’s a GP fave), Batman (B&M floorless), and HENRY’S FIRST VEKOMA SLC – Riddler’s Revenge.

My initial impression was that it felt like a Six Flags (ugly concrete jungle with little cosmetic landscaping, etc) and the ops were slow AF, but the ride operators themselves were pretty personable and fun. But, slow AF in most cases.

Also, Henry fucking hated the SLC as expected. These coasters are bastards and full of design flaws and I typically hate them too but this one had me cracking up so hard that I thought I was going to pee myself. Maybe it was just because I was sitting behind Henry and had a great side-view of each grimace and flinch.

I guarantee that Chooch is in the process of Googling “ugliest/most annoying Crocs that cost too much $$$.” Because we had to hear about those fucking stupid carrot Crocs all weekend and he literally RAN TO THE MALL when we came home from the weekend and bought them. Jesus Christ, calm down, carrot feet.

Anyway, this was in line for the piece of shit Arkham wild mouse ride which ended up being the worst one I’ve ever ridden. I know I JUST said that I hate DC theming but I guess it’s Contrary Day because I loved that each car was themed to a different DC idiot and the ride operator would base his “goodbye” on which one was next. Like for the Penguin, he’d be all, “Enjoy your ride. Waddle waddle waddle.”

One of the cars was named after some Croc DC person that I have never even heard of and now I just felt like the dumb shoes were bullying me.

Henry made a huge deal of hoping that we got the Two Face car because of me and I was like, “Calm down, bro, dang.”

Anyway, we had to split up between two cars because even though they’re 4-seaters, only 2 adults are allowed to ride in each one? And Chooch’s size puts him in the ADULT CATEGORY. He and I had already boarded our car and Henry got practically clotheslined by the ride attendant who told him he had to wait for the next one….

…which was TWO-FACE lololol. And he had to ride ALONE!

But yeah – this ride is a killer. I thought my wrist was going to break from trying in vain to brace myself from being flung around like a ragdoll. Had to buy this ride photo, obvs.

Superman: THE RIDE. There are like 3 of these in the country I think? It’s an Intamin hyper. We’ve been on the one at Six Flags America in Maryland, which I know for sure is a clone of the one at Six Flags Darien Lake (aka the Worst Flags) and I think this one in New England is also a clone. Anyway, we had to wait for a whole whopping 15 minutes and Chooch was like losing his shit over that. Calm down, Carrot.

This ride was soooo rough so I was NOT upset when the line for it grew consistently longer as the day went on because I was for sure not looking forward to any re-rides. Even Chooch was like, “I’m good.”

My review was, “Wow, Intamin has come a long way.”

We then rode Wicked Cyclone, which you can see back there in the distance, but I will talk about that later!!

We ate at Hotheads, which is like Subway but for Mexican food. I was so happy about this because I was able to make a meatless rice bowl and it was GOOD. Usually my options at these places are pizza or REALLY BAD veggie burgers (and that’s if I’m lucky). So I was stoked on Hot Heads. Would recommend. (Not part of the meal plan though, apparently, if that matters to you.)

Chooch may be too old for a lot of things these days, but posing with characters is not one of them.

Thunderbolt is an ACE landmark.

The ops were sooooo slow on this! First of all, the restraint locks are all manual so the ride attendants had to walk to each set of cars and step down on the release so the exiting of the train was painstakingly slow. And they were only running one train. So even though the line didn’t seem that long, it crawled and we stood in it for a good 45 minutes. This was frustrating because the park itself didn’t seem to be too crowded!

Also, you can’t choose your own row and they reserve the last couple of rows for Fast Lane, so we took our seat in the middle and dealt with it. I truly didn’t even care and just wanted to get the whole thing over with at that point. Yes, this ride was a “classic” but it was also super forgettable.

Random non-DC theming.

I do like that one of their kiddie areas is themed to Looney Tunes.

Here are some pictures of Chooch getting that kiddie cred!

OK Sam, stay tuned for Part 2 which will probably be as yawn-inducing as Part 1 – I mean, we had fun but nothing too notable happened, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing!

Today’s tale is a repost from the time Chooch and I heroically saved a moth on the Boulevard during the summer of 2017. Please do enjoy. Let me fluff your pillow for you first. I’m that Nice Bitch.

***

Henry had to work for a few hours this morning, so Chooch and I were over here unsupervised. I decided that I didn’t want to make coffee so I woke him up and suggested that we walk down to Brookline Boulevard so I could get an iced latte from Cafe Noir. I used to hate Cafe Noir because it moved in when Cannon Coffee closed, and the first latte I had tasted strange, not bad per se, but just kind of off. However, I’ve been there numtoerous times since then and the lattes have been phenomenal so now I think it was a problem with the soy milk that day? MAYBE IT WAS ROTTEN?! I don’t know.

Anyway, Chooch and I made it all the way there without disaster or talking to strangers or getting bit by dogs. I guess it was too early for domestic disputes, and the bars weren’t open yet, so the Boulevard was pretty quiet.

Las Palmas didn’t even have their insanely popular taco cart set up yet — it was that early.

Even too early for any strippers to be leaning all slinkily inside doorframes. (Chooch and I actually passed a trio of suspect hookers/strippers the other evening. When I mentioned it after we walked away, Chooch said, “Oh I didn’t notice. Why do you think they’re strippers? Because the one had on that that black shirt that was open all the way down to her bellybutton with a small bra underneath—”

And I interrupted to say, “Yeah and she had on that leather—”

“Choker,” Chooch finished knowingly. OK but yeah, he didn’t noticed.)

But yeah, back to this morning.

We made it to Cafe Noir, where I finally got my morning fix and Chooch ordered his Arnold Palmer with a strangulated stutter and then dwelled on it for the next minute, and probably even longer had we not noticed a small lump on the sidewalk two storefronts up from Cafe Noir.

At first I thought it was a furry leaf, but upon further inspection, Chooch and I found out that it was a MOTH! The largest moth I ever saw in real life! It was laying on its side with its wings together, so it just looked like a basic moth. I didn’t like that it was sitting out in the path of walkers, joggers, bikers, skaters, dogs, future serial killers who love to pull wings off beautiful things….so I said urgently to Chooch, “We have to move him. He’s not safe here!”

Chooch dove headfirst into the deep end of the animal rescue pool. If he was wearing long sleeves, this would be where he rolled them up in a serious LET’S DO THIS motion. JUST LIKE ON TV.

Ever since I was a child, I was always told DO NOT TOUCH A MOTH BECAUSE YOU WILL RUB OFF THE POWDER FROM ITS WINGS AND IT WILL DIEEEEE. So I have never touched a moth or a butterfly because I’m not a murderer.

Of animals or insects, that is.

So I grabbed the nearest leaf and gently tapped it against the moth’s legs or whatever they’re called.

And it was at that moment that it twitched and sat up straight, and in the most dramatic fashion it spread it’s huge wings open wide to reveal the grandest markings I have ever seen on this side of a slideshow in a darkened science classroom.

Chooch and I cried a seriously impressed “WHOA!” in unison, and leaned in closer to admire this total babe all spread out in front of us. People were walking by giving us double takes, because what are those dummies looking at, last night’s puke? A discarded syringe?

NO, JUST A GIFT FROM NATURE, RIGHT HERE IN FROM THE RECORD STORE. YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND.

I swear to god, this majestic moth was the size of half my hand. We expected it to fly away now that it’s wings were open, but it still just sat there.

“Maybe it’s injured,” I said sadly. We tried a few more times to move it, to at least scoot it over closer to the window of the record store where it was out of the direct path of foot traffic but it was becoming increasingly clear that it wasn’t going to budge.

“We can’t do this without something sturdier to slide under it. I hate to leave it but I don’t think there’s anything we can do for it without touching it with our hands and I don’t want to hurt it!” I cried.

“Too bad we don’t have like, a plastic lid or something,” Chooch shrugged hopelessly as we started to walk away. And then 10 feet later, no lie, there was an old red tupperwear lid laying on the sidewalk.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? IT WAS A FUCKING OMEN! Just like the time Chooch was singing some semi-obscure song from the 80s that I can’t remember at the time of this writing, and then it came on the radio at Eat n Park. He has a bit of magic in him I think. OR HE’S REALLY GOOD AT HIDING HIS SORCERY SCHOOL SYLLABUS. Why did I capslock that, who knows with me, I have blogging dementia.

Chooch grabbed the magically materialized lid and we excitedly ran back to our post-caterpillar charity case and if this were a silent film from the 20s, the caption at the bottom would say HELP IS ON THE WAY! as Chooch and I crashed into each other and fell into a heap of incompetence and idiocy.

With steady concentration and determination, we were able to scoop the moth up on the lid. There was a small grassy area — you know, like a tree bed or whatever you call those parts of sidewalks that are grassy with flowers and bushes and usually some small trees too — a few feet away from our starting point, and I made it almost all the way there before the moth flopped back onto the sidewalk.

“Nooo!” Chooch and I yelled with unbridled anguish. We sat back down on the sidewalk, trying to essentially tickle the moth back onto the lid with a leaf.

An old man stopped.

“Wow, that’s a big Monarch butterfly!” he exclaimed and we were like yeah whatever guy it’s not a butterfly, probably, but we don’t know, so maybe. (Actually, we used our Phone a Friend lifeline later and asked Chris via text, who confirmed that it was a moth so…..sucks to be wrong, old man.)

I explained that it appeared to be injured so we wanted to move it out of harm’s way so that he wouldn’t think we were mothnapping it for our bug prostitution ring or something.

“Oh it’s injured?” he repeated.

Well I mean it’s NOT FLYING AWAY SO EITHER HELP US OR LEAVE, OLD MAN, UGH.

He lost interest and left.

But then a couple who had passed us earlier paused on their way back. The man part of the couple got real close to us and asked tentatively, “So, what’s going on here?” while the girl part of the couple stood far back, shaking her head in an UH UH, NOPE, NO BUGS FOR ME fashion.

We sighed and explained once again our mission, but this man, this kind brave avuncular soul said to us, “Oh, I have something that I can help.”

He set down the shopping bag he was carrying and I waited for him to pull out the butterfly net or the Magic Moth Dust jar, but instead it was two Avon flyers. He placed one on the ground, on either side of the moth, slowly pushed them together until the moth was in the middle of the makeshift gurney, and asked us, “Where we taking it?”

Chooch pointed to the grass next to us, and our wonderful Samaritan gently laid the flyers down and let the moth free in its new safe haven.

“Oh my god, thank you so much!” I cried.

“Oh, you’re welcome! I like helping animals too. Oh, and while I’m at it….” he said, pausing to reach into his shopping bag for the chloroform-soaked handkerchiefs to help him turn Chooch and me into the latest items of his People of Brookline trafficking catalogue. “—I’m helping my daughters sell Avon, so you keep that flyer and here’s an Avon book, too,” he said, handed me all kinds of Avon literature, which I happily accepted because I’d rather wear gross Avon perfume than a chloroform handkerchief any day.

The guy’s name was Marcus, and I will never forget him.

As we parted ways, saying one last goodbye to Moth, we turned just in time to see a man walking his pug straight into the path of where we had originally found Moth.

“DID YOU SEE THAT?!” Chooch yelled with his hand over his chest like a Golden Girl. “THAT is why we had to move that moth!”

I wholeheartedly agreed.

We walked the rest of the way home, sucking on our Cafe Noir drinks with the force of two firefighters, exhausted and dehydrated from putting out some 5 Alarm blaze, recounting our Super Big Exciting OMG Can You Believe It Morning, adrenaline pumping and egos flaring. Then Chooch and some old man crashed into each other on Pioneer Ave, and then awkwardly stood in a weird embrace as the old man struggled to regain his bearings, and Chooch wiped his Arnold Palmer spills from his shirt. It was great to watch as a third-party bystander.

As soon as we got home, I sent Henry this text:

He literally had no fucks and negative cares to give about this. Chooch and I were extremely offended.

“What exactly did you save it from?” Henry went on to text from work.

“Imminent death?!” I replied, like duh, what a dumb question, and Henry replied that he thought I was being a bit extreme.

*************************************************

“Why didn’t you just pick it up?” Henry asked me just a little while ago, so I told him about what I had learned as a kid.

“Didn’t you ever hear that?” I asked.

“No!” he laughed, and his outright skepticism made me google it just now and turns out IT’S NOT TRUE! So I basically missed out on 30+ years of moth touching? I did read a lot of things just now that say while it won’t kill moths and butterflies, it could still shorten their lifespan and handling them incorrectly could fatally injure them. So probably it’s for the best that we didn’t pick up Moth with our fumbling, uncoordinated meat-mitts. I also read that they like to play dead, so hopefully that means Moth wasn’t actually injured, but just in some type of self-preservation mode.

A few hours ago, Chooch and I walked back to where we left Moth, and he was gone! We took that as a good sign, that Moth presumably flew home to his family in….a bush or wherever they live, with Saturday morning donut crumbs from Party Cake bakery. What I refuse to believe is that some dumb dog devoured him or that it hopped out into the road and…..don’t make me spell it out for you. :(

God, it feels great to be a hero though. If I was a Girl Scout, I bet I would have earned a badge.

My brain must use up every last ounce of positive energy I have as it tries to keep me alive/afloat during the long winter months, that come June, I have nothing left to give. This happens every year, like clockwork, where I just feel so down and drained, I fixate on every last tiny flaw and inadequacy about me, and my patience is at a deficit.

Is it seasonal depression, because that seems pretty fucked to get depressed every June, of all months. Oh well. Just putting that out there so it doesn’t appear that all I do is ride roller coasters and have fun. Because the in-between exists, too. You know. I’m hoping that going to see Stray Kids at the end of the month will give me a much-needed wellness adjustment. This body needs a kpop concert.

Here’s a picture of one of my emotional support cats, Drew.

That being said, today was decent. We went to ShadoBeni (they have a brick & mortar location now!) for lunch takeout. If you live in Pittsburgh, even if you aren’t vegan or vegetarian, you gotta try it. It’s Trinidad food and the guy who runs the joint is just really cool and the food is yummo. LOL just kidding, I would never say that. I would say that the food is delicious, like a normal person would say.

Chooch actually came with us! Last night was his last night at McDonalds so we have him back on weekends again! Before we left though, he was cutting the grass so moronically while Henry was out there yelling at him that people walking by our house actually slowed down to laugh. I mean, I was laughing too, as I watched from the window. First of all, he insisted to cut on the diagonal in an effort to put lines in the yard but we have shitty city grass which is approx. 60% weeds so this was an impossible feat to accomplish.

Anyway, we got our lunch and took it down the street to the nearby Uniondale Cemetery which I have not been to since I WRECKED THE CAR THERE last October. Henry smirked at me when I quietly pointed out the SCENE OF THE CRIME, because Chooch, not paying attention in the backseat, still doesn’t know The Truth and thinks that Henry wrecked the car by being foolish and irresponsible.

LOL.

Dude. I got the SEA MOSS PUNCH not knowing wtf a sea moss is and it was unexpectedly delightful! First, it reminded me of a chunky horchata. Then, I was like NO THIS IS LIKE SIKHYE which is a traditional Korean sweet rice punch in the same vein as horchata. But the more I drank, the more it was tasting like if polenta was a bev.

That is to say, this might be my new favorite refreshment. Except that when I finished it, it looked like remnants of infant vomit was coating the sides of the cup, but I can overlook that if you can.

DOUBLES! If you haven’t had doubles, you need to fix that STAT. We actually had this for Thanksgiving last year, courtesy of ShadoBeni’s Thanksgiving home assembly kit thingie.

Also got some coconut bake with sorrel jelly. I could have eaten a whole loaf (?) of this but instead I shared my order with CHOOCH who realized after the fact that he would have liked to have ordered it too, ugh. I seriously wouldn’t share my food with anyone else, he is so lucky that I have some maternal instinct left in me.

Can we just talk about these dumb shoes for a second? You know I’m not one to ever shy away from outrageous/flamboyant fashion choices, and I think it’s solely just because these are CROCS and I associate them with one of the worst people I have ever worked with: TINA who had a mullet, referred to cars exclusively as “vehicles,” and wore country concert t-shirts to work WITH CROCS.

So in my head, TINAs wear CROCS.

But apparently Crocs are having their moment. I have no idea why, but I see seemingly cool/trendy people in their $$$ streetwear at amusement parks, but then they have ugly ass Crocs on their feet. And I guess those dumb Croc pins or whatever the fuck they are called are like a whole thing. My friend Nate said that his niece has Crocs and those dumb jibbets or whatever cost more than the actual Crocs.

All I can figure is that a rapper or some idiot influencer must have worn a pair ironically at some point, thus causing a craze because they are literally infiltrating walkways all over the country and I actually hate it.

So when Chooch was like “I’m getting these carrot Crocs” and I saw that they cost SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS, ya’ll, I was like, “YOU, MY GUY, ARE A FUCKING IDIOT.” But hey, it’s his McMoney. So he bought them and got his buddy to also buy a pair and now they’re an idiot duo.

I told my work friends about this yesterday in our group chat and there was a divide: half of them were like EFF NO TO CROCS and the other side were like DON’T KNOCK THE CROC(s). I admitted that it wasn’t the carrot thing that was the deal-breaker for me, it was the Crocs themselves, and that if there were carrot Vans, I would 100% wear them fearlessly.

“Vans are my God-tier brand of shoes,” I said in the chat, to which one of the pro-Crocs people said she couldn’t wrap her head around Vans and the other Croc-head said that “Vans are the new style, Crocs are the hippy-style.”

Nate immediately side-chatted me and was like, “VANS ARE LIKE, FROM THE 60s THO??” and I was all fired up about this but then didn’t have any energy left to care. This week was short yet long.

But I would like to say here for sanity’s sake that CROCS ARE FROM THE EARLY 2000s.

VANS ARE FROM 1966.

Anyway, if anyone can rock carrot Crocs with aplomb and confidence, it’s Chooch. So, good for you, Chooch.

Anyway, after we ate I needed to do a lap around the cem for digestive purposes, but also because I had a morbid desire to see the thing I ran into last October. Henry was like, “Wow, you can see the paint from the car on it, good job,” and luckily Chooch was waiting for us by the car so it’s still A Secret.

And that’s the main stuff that happened today, on this very low-key Saturday, aside from: more yard work, driving around looking for a notary that’s opened on Saturdays now that Chooch’s renewed passport is finally here and we have some final paperwork to submit for his study abroad thing, and buying plants at Lowe’s.

I didn’t liveblog on the drive home from Massachusetts (well, technically Connecticut I guess – the Six Flags park we went to was like RIGHT across the border from Connecticut, and our hotel was in Connecticut) because who cares. You mostly just missed copious stops at gas stations.

HOWEVER. I would like to talk about LUNCH. My body was like, “KNOCK KNOCK, give us veg-stuffs.” So I found a place near Scranton called NearMe Cafe (dumb name), in a town called MOOSIC (best name) which is also a yoga studio and that kind of turned me off for a second, but the reviews were raving and they had not just smoothie bowls, but various Buddha bowls and I was really in the mood to give my body what it wanted.

You know, because it’s my temple, etc. etc.

We walked into straight chaos. I actually thought we used the wrong door, because it was almost like walking straight into the kitchen, but no, that’s just how this joint is set up. Ya gotta walk past all the workers firing up the blenders before you can take a seat.

It may have been a bit of pandemonium, but the people there were awesome. I loved our server so much—when Chooch, who was pouting for some inexplicable reason, declared in a huff that he wasn’t hungry and didn’t want anything, she was so cool about it and didn’t pressure him. “OK, you can always add something on to the order later if you change your mind!” and I was so happy that this didn’t faze her because he has pulled this shit before in his younger years where he won’t order anything in some strange effort to punish us or something.

M-O-O-D-Y.

Oh, speak of the moody devil.

Anyway!!! I didn’t take a picture of my food because some fucking INFLUENCER-type girl came barreling in with her boyfriend and sat facing me and I swear I could feel her judgey eyes on me the whole time. I didn’t want her making a TikTok of That Old Lady Fakeluencer taking pictures of her lunch for her 500 Instagram followers to not care about. But I got the BEET BUDDHA BOWL which was quinoa, beets, strawberries, goat cheese, coconut, and honey. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK my taste buds because they will never be the same now. It was divine. The perfect marriage of sweet and savory. My stomach was so pleased with my decision.

Henry got a buffalo chicken wrap. Who cares. Not me. Definitely not the INFLUENCER.

The bathroom was nice!

Meanwhile, Henry and I had finished eating and Chooch heard someone behind me order the almond joy smoothie bowl so now SUDDENLY he wanted food. “I’ll just get it to go,” he said, somehow making such a simple statement sizzle with surliness.

So while his bowl was being prepped (the server was super pleased that he decided to get something, btw) we went and checked out the store section of the building which was Henry’s idea and he quickly reGERRTed it because there were tons of things I wanted. He’s lucky that I was feeling modest with my money in that moment and only bought a HAMBURGER PURSE and a ring, plus a Samanco-shaped cat toy for Drew and Penelope.

I DID NOT PLAN THIS.

Later, we stopped at this gas station by some town called FISHERMAN’S PARADISE (?!). Henry said he believes we have been at one of these before (maybe even the same one?!).

My first impression was WOW did BTS rip off their font/logo for Butter?! And then also got the inspiration to name their album 7?!

“It’s all coming together,” Henry said in faux-solidarity while I was screaming SHOULD WE REPORT THEM TO RUTTER’S FOR INFRINGEMENT?

I mean, they’ve plagiarized in the past, so.

Anyway, my second impression was that HEY RUTTER’S, NICE BATHROOM! Very nice, clean and modern. Loved that for…me.

I rejoined Henry in the store as he was filling up at the iced tea station.

“Clean bathrooms and Pet Shop Boys is playing? Love this place.” But before I could make the final call, I said, “Let’s see how their coffee is.”

But when I went to the screen to order, they didn’t have non-dairy options! So I said NON-THANKS, screamed, and left.

Ok I didn’t scream but I really was appalled. It’s 2022!! (Ugh I almost typed 2020, who even knows the year anymore.)

Henry doesn’t care about that so he thinks this place is just fine. Also, he sneezed REALLY annoyingly as we walked back to the bathrooms and I just lost it. His sneezes are either super bombastic like they’re trying to get the attention of the military to be used as sonic weapons, or they’re real high-pitched and whiny-sounding because he’s trying to muffle the ear-splitting sound I guess, I dunno.

I yelled, “if I knew your sneezes sounded like this when we first met, it would have been a DEAL BREAKER” as I shoved open the door to the womens room UGH!!!

The last notable thing that occurred was that we stopped at some custard place about 90 minutes or so from Pgh called The Meadows I think and I was so fucking pissed because the menu was posted inside a TINTED GLASS WINDOW so we could barely see it but even worse was that it was hanging right above a bench that two older people were sitting on, tonguing away at their custards in silence, staring at us while we tried in vain to read the menu and not have our knees touch their knees because THAT IS HOW CLOSE WE NEEDED TO GET IN ORDER TO SEE THE MENU. These assholes would not take the social cue and scoot over so we could visually access the damn custard chart, FUCK.

I was so mad about this that when Henry asked the girl at the window for the daily flavors (“WE CAN’T SEE THE MENU,” I said in a loud and passive aggressive manner), I told him to order first and then when the girl asked, “Is that all?” Henry looked at me and I said – now switching to my SULKING MANNER – that I didn’t want anything.

I could tell Henry was pissed because he hates when I “pull that shit,” but I’m sorry, those people RUINED MY LIFE. I stalked back to the car while Henry waited for his dumb cup of custard, and then when he got in the car, Chooch immediately started mimicking the loud way he was slurping the custard off the spoon, so Henry got PISSED OFF: SUPER-CHARGED EDITION, started the car and thrust the cup at me to hold so he could drive. I took a small spoonful (he got black cherry vanilla) and said, “This is good. I’ll just have all of it, thanks.”

And I did too. I ate it all.

Then we got home around 6pm. The end.

Yo, just when you thought I forgot to recap the second day of our recent-ish Cedar Point weekend, here I come peeing on your parade! We’ll do it bullet point-style though and maybe that will make it better.

• First, I was so nervous because as pass holders, we get early entry, BUT since we had a guest with us who was NOT a pass holder, we weren’t sure if it was going to fly. Henry asked some of the employees at the gate when we were leaving the night before and the one person said that it really depended on which ticket-scanner we got the next morning. She said if it were her, she would allow it, but it was basically the luck of the draw. Henry purposely chose an old lady, thinking that she would be easy to convince, but I swear to god there was a moment when we were certain she was going to say no. Her face got real stern-looking as Henry asked her if Zakk could come in early too, then she stared off into the distance for a split second, and nodded with a sigh. We were so happy! Thank you to THAT lady! Every kid should get to experience early entry at least once, it’s so fucking wonderful.

• We lined up for Millennium Force immediately, as this is the best bet when it comes to early entry (Steel Vengeance and Maverick weren’t even on the list for it, probably because they never get started on time, who knows). Chooch and Zakk were lagging behind us and then Chooch had the audacity to try and cut in front of two people who got in line behind me and Henry and I was like, “No, you will not be one of those people!” So Chooch, totally appalled, went with Zakk to the back of the line (about 10 more people had gotten in line behind us while this was happening, sorry Chooch, maybe try to keep up with your “old ‘rents.'”) Hilariously, once we got into the station they still ended up behind us in line for the back row, lol. We ended up being the 4th train of the day, I think. Millie in the Morning, always a great way to start the day!

• It was Zakk’s first time to ride it and he loved it! I could slap Chooch though because prior to this trip, he was telling me that Zakk was too scared to ride Millie the last time he was at Cedar Point and I was like, “Wow, homeboy needs Chooch to help him conquer his fears.” Yeah but what Chooch failed to tell me was that Zakk was EIGHT the last time he was there!!

• We rode Iron Dragon after this for early entry, then Henry had the grand idea to get in the “pre-line” for Maverick since it was 9:40 and the ride should open with the park at 10. Except that it didn’t open with the park at 10 because it was DOWN. Intamin, you’re so frustrating!! But we love you anyway. Here are things that happened in line:
  • Some teenager/early 20s guy casually cut in front of the people behind us and they called him out on it! I mean, they let him stand there for a bit until it looked like the line was going to move and then the lady was like, “Excuse me, I don’t think you belong in this spot. I think you need to go to the back of the line.” This started a super awkward exchange where the kid was like OH I WAS JUST SITTING HERE and she was like “Yeah but this is a line and I think you’re trying to cut” so then he got all flustered and said he was just going to stand near the front of the line and we were like “OK COOL STORY” so he left but joke’s on us because we ended up standing in this fucking line for 90 MINUTES HENRY THANKS SO MUCH. Anyway, it was a good ice breaker though because we ended up talking to that couple for a bit about how line-jumping is such an issue and the biggest problem is that it keeps happening because no one wants to be the person to call them out because you just don’t know who you’re dealing with anymore and the park staff usually doesn’t want to handle it either because it’s a hassle to GOD FORBID adhered to your policies and remove the INTERLOPER from the park. I don’t think INTERLOPER works here but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Anyway, those people were cool. She looked like she could have been a biker bitch in the best sense, and he was super interested in the birds and tried to give one the gum out of his mouth??
  • Somewhere behind us, there was an elementary school-aged boy in a giant t-shirt and huge jeans who kept screaming OPEN THE RIDE!!!!!! Like, furiously shouting this until his voice went hoarse. “I bet he’s fun at sporting events” I said to Henry, who laughed but I know he didn’t hear me. Eventually the kid had enough and stormed off to the front of the line, I guess to confront the Cedar Point employee who was stationed at the ride entrance. Would have loved to have heard that convo!!
  • I was obsessed with the group of….high school seniors, maybe?…that were in front of us. The girls were EXHAUSTED and laying on the ground, complaining about how long we have been in line, and then they were all playing cool games like DUCK DUCK GOOSE (ok only the one girl was actively playing and the rest were just kind of sitting in a circle and refusing to get up) and Ninja which I will never understand. They were super entertaining and seemed like the types of people I would have been friends with in high school so they can stay.
  • SteVe actually opened at 10 so to rub salt in the Maverick wound, we had to stand there watching trains cycle through with happy riders screaming.
  • Everyone in our section of the line were certified ride maintenance workers by the time the ride opened, since we had to stand there watching it being tested. “It’s the second launch, I’m telling you!” I cried to Henry 1000 times until he finally believed me which I know because he tried to co-opt my hypothesis as his own 20 minutes later. “Count how many seconds the trains stay down there [where the second launch happens; it’s like a shed/tunnel]. It’s REALLY LONG, like 12 seconds!” I cried. I back  up my theories with evidence, yo. I didn’t get a fake SCIENTIST degree by doing NOTHING.
  • It was a real party atmosphere when the damn thing finally opened. We were close enough to the front of the line that we made it all the way to the steps of the station before coming to a stop. It sucks because if the fucking thing had opened on time, our overall wait time (including when we got in line prior to the ALLEGED 10am opening) would have been about 25 minutes which is SUPER SHORT for dumb Maverick. Look, this ride is great but also kind of overhyped? It is not worth waiting 90 minutes but that was the hole that Henry dug for us on that Sunday morning, so whatever.
  • True to form, as soon as we were loaded onto our train, one of the other ones cycling through the track broke down again so we had to sit in the station while one of the crew played rock paper scissors (it will always be the Korean version for me, thanks) with some of the people waiting to ride. One thing Cedar Point really has going for them is OUTSTANDING ride operators/attendants. This person (wish I had been able to see her name on her tag) was so fun and upbeat, so much so that I wasn’t even aware that she was stalling us at first! Her ability to distract was impeccable.
• Of course the wait time for SteVe was 15 minutes the whole time we were in line for Maverick, but then shot up to 75 by the time we got off Maverick. Thanks, Henry.

• I got Henry back by forcing him to ride Gemini, which had a 5 minute wait time despite only running two trains on one side (what is up with all these parks having racing coasters that don’t race?!?! Is Kennywood the only park with a consistently-racing Racer??). We made it all the way to the platform in about five minutes, so that wait time was accurate. HOWEVER. The train that loaded right before it was our turn broke down on the lift hill, so our 5 minute wait turned into about a 25 minute wait lol and as you can tell by that picture of Henry up there, he was T-H-to-the-RILLED. That was dumb, I apologize. Here are things that happened while in line:
  • The one young ride attendant, DAVID, was a really great MC. He was telling us coaster-related jokes, such as WHAT IS A ROLLER COASTER’S FAVE VEG? CELE-WHEEEEEE. I laughed obnoxiously hard at this and Henry muttered, “Stop.” Then David had us take a poll re: pancakes vs. waffles. Waffles won but David was not happy about it. When we finally got to ride, David, who was wearing a headset so everything he said was broadcasted through the station, said, “BYE-eeee” to us but when we rolled past him, I said BYE directly to him, and he said BYE BACK TO ME BUT IT WAS AMPLIFIED THROUGH THE STATION AND I WAS SO EXCITED, LIKE WHEN I’M ABLE TO GET OTR TRUCKERS TO BLOW THEIR HORN (in the most chaste, innocent sense imaginable here thank you). Henry was not amused by any of this, but he was amused by….
  • ….the collection of middle-aged, unhappy looking maintenance men who arrived on the scene. Most notably, Keith. Henry was really into giving a play-by-play of their actions. “OK now here comes RON to stand around also doing nothing. This is just fucking great, Erin.”

• If Henry wrote a Yelp review for Gemini, it would probably be: I took my hat off for this?

• Finally got a CHEESE ON A STICK after years of thinking that Carrie’s top rec at Cedar Point was a Bosco Stick, and NEWS ALERT, the stand for which has been removed after said-years of letting people down with their non-stock/non-workers. Anyway, I’m glad that this was actually the thing that Carrie was talking about, because it was divine. I LOVE corn dog batter so I was stoked to be able to get a hotdog-less version. The cheese was so creamy and interesting!! I shared it with Henry but now I wish I had just hogged the whole thing for myself because he was so-so about it in his review. “Well, once you have these in Korea…” he started to mansplain and OK, solid point. But I still thought this was a 10/10 for theme park snacks, go stand somewhere else, Hank.

• Gatekeeper had pretty short lines all day!

• Blue Streak selfie. It was almost a walk-on, we love that.
• Speaking of my PIERCE THE VEIL shirt, the day before when we were in line for Raptor, it was air-dropping central and someone with the phone name CARAPHERNALIA air-dropped me a picture of a kitten and I was screaming because THAT IS THE NAME OF A REALLY GREAT PIERCE THE VEIL SONG so I wanted to air-drop them back a picture of Vic (the singer) but they weren’t accept air drops, TYPICAL. Anyway, I thought it was pretty coincidental since I packed my PTV shirt for the weekend trip. I wish I had been wearing it that day though instead! Also, the park person at the entrance of Rougarou said she liked my shirt <3

• Um, OK Sunflower burger, I see you! I got this from one of the local food trucks that set up shop inside the park (super big props to Cedar Point for allowing this!!) and it was so delicious and healthy that I was inspired to return to the food truck to tell them so. I DID A GOOD, you guys. I DID A GOOD.
• Meanwhile, Henry got mac & cheese and pretzel bites (hoo boy, they were so good and the opposite of healthy) from another food truck and was still eating when I happened to look at the CP app and screamed, “STEVE HAS A 10 MINUTE WAIT.” It must have been down and then recently reopened because those are the only times you will see wait times that low! Poor Henry wasn’t done eating but I was like CHOP CHOP MOTHERCHEFFER so he had to shovel down the rest while hunched over and walking to the garbage can, and then I inevitably got an earful about how “I thought this was supposed to be A SLOW-PACED weekend” lolol when is it ever? Bitch, I don’t know how to be slow!

• It took us probably FIFTEEN MINUTES to get to the SteVe because there is no fast way to get from one side of the park to the other PLUS that fucking train was crossing right in front of the SteVe plaza and I was so pissed. The asshole manning the entrance of SteVe (literally the only sour CP employee we encountered all weekend and he was at this post both days) was like, “DON’T RUN. THE RIDE IS CEMENTED DOWN AND NOT GOING ANYWHERE.” I thought he was scolding me but Henry said it was the kids behind us. Whatever, I still hated this guy for yelling about fanny packs when they clearly can fit in the free lockers so I took everything out of mine (just my phone and lipgloss lol) and then folded the fanny pack so Henry could shove it in his pocket in order for us to get past the FANNY PACK WARDEN. Then, OMG, all of our stuff fit perfectly in a free locker, can you even believe it. Anyway, the above picture is where we ended up in line as soon as we got there, and if you know anything about SteVe’s queue line, you know that this is A GOOD SPOT, like almost to where Fast Pass entrance is and pretty close to where the lockers are.
  • Some broad behind us in line mentioned wearing steeltoed boots to a concert. Henry mumbled “Only time I’d wear those would be if I was carrying steel.” Me: THATS ACTUALLY WHAT THOSE ARE FOR?? Henry: yeah, what did you think they were for?” Me: Kicking ppl?! Henry: NO!
    • See also: the things you learn when in line for SteVe.
  • We asked for the back row this time (lol the crew just loves that) and the guy reluctantly allowed it. This made me really confused all over again over which is better: SteVe or Iron Gwazi??? I think I am still siding with IG because it was just more ridiculous and fun and we were able to ride it multiple times in one visit. Good luck doing that with SteVe unless you have Fast Pass or Fast Lane, whatever they call it.

• We rode the train for the first time ever! I had no idea that it was actually themed. It was fun!

• We also rode the skyride for the first time! It’s pretty lame though because it doesn’t traverse the whole park, but it was still nice to relax for a minute and take in the nice views. Cedar Point is extremely photogenic. I will now proceed to clog your sight-orbs with pictures for no reason:

• In line for Rougarou – last ride of the day before having to leave, wah :( I hate that CP is like, nearly a 3 hour drive. I would have stayed until it closed otherwise, but it was a SCHOOL NIGHT and we had someone else’s kid with us.

• Told Chooch we were leaving at 5 but then he and Zakk got stuck in line for Millie so Henry and sat around eating popcorn when we should have just gone and ridden something near the front of the park and had them meet us there, ugh.

• Leaving amusement parks is definitely one of the “sometimes moody” occasions.

BYE CEDAR POINT! TIL NEXT TIME! (Maybe while Chooch is in Mexico lol.)