Remember how last year when I picked the paint palette for the dining room, it accidentally ended up being the same colors as a classic box of Popsicles? Well, I thought it would be cute to have one section of one wall decorated with popsicle art.

I bought a popsicle neon sign. I stole from Chooch’s room a popsicle illustration I bought him when he was a baby. I put on display the stick from the “Designer” popsicle Chooch ate at the Gentle Monster / Fendi pop-up we went to in Gangnam. And then I couldn’t find anything else that appealed to me!

So I thought, “HMM I WONDER IF THERE ARE PICTURES OF G-DRAGON EATING A POPSICLE.” I know  that there are pictures of him enjoying a Baskin Robbins ice cream cone because that one has previously come in handy.

LO AND BEHOLD. I found one! So then naturally I knew that I needed to stock up on Korean popsicles in order to use the wrappers as a textured, collaged background. This project kept getting moved to the back burner but last night, with Henry’s help, it was completed!

You can’t really tell from the pictures, but we printed G-Dragon out on cardstock, sprayed and coated him a ton of times to make him all glossy and sparkly because it’s what he deserves. Then Henry glued him to chipboard and cut him out so he has a very 3-dimensional feel.

Yeah boi, I’m really happy with this!

Chooch is doing some mentorship thing at the Carnegie Science Center where he’s learning how to use various computer programs and 3D printers and I desperately want him to make a popsicle-shaped light switch cover for this wall too because that green one ain’t it, Timothy.

I bought my very first ever monstera plant last January, with very little confidence or faith that I wouldn’t let it wither away into a brown crisp. I’m so hit or miss with houseplants and have killed an embarrassing about of cacti even. (Succulents and cacti are actually NOT THAT EASY TO MAINTAIN for most of us people, honestly!)

Also, quick back story: Henry kept calling it a Monsta X plant because there is an awesome Kpop group by that name. So then I officially dubbed him Wonho after our joint-bias in that group (even though he is no longer in Monsta X and is currently living his best damn life as a solo artist!

Observe: Wonho last January on the day we saved him from dumb Lowe’s.

And here he is last week, November 2021.

What a beast!!

You can see that he is soaring over the buffet now.

He is so lush and has strong big boi energy.

I do talk to him every day (along with the cats, squirrels, my other personalities, the computer screen and basically any inanimate object I encounter throughout my sad and lonely work-from-home days) and I guess what they say is true re:talking to plants etc.

Wonho actually lives in a corner with several other large houseplants and that space looks like a mini rain forest, and that makes me feel calm.

I never would have thought I’d be a plant bitch yet here we are: first came succulents and now this.

Hey, let’s check in juman Wonho!

How it started (as a rookie in 2015).

And um…how it’s going. *fans self*

Whenever I exclaim, “holy SHIT Wonho is getting so BIG,” Henry always asks, “Which one?” Because truly it could be either.

Ok um on that note 잘 자요!

We’re having a pretty A-OK Saturday. I lost my temper momentarily because NONE OF THE MALES in my house had taken out the garbage and that is the only reason why I KEEP MALES IN THE HOUSE in the first place. But other than that, today has been merry. A real pocketful of posies. Etc.

• Picked up three books at the library!
• Started to read In My Dreams I Hold a Knife and was worried because my track record with dark academia is bleak but this seems good so far!
• WENT TO GET CUPCAKES FROM MY FAVORITE CUPCAKE JOINT, VANILLA PASTRY STUDIO!

You may remember that many years ago, I wrote some dumb blog review about that place and one of the bakers saw it and printed it out for the owner, THE SUGAR FAIRY, to read and I found out because SAID BAKER left a comment telling me that owner loved it and I was like OMG IM DEAD but then the next time Henry went there to get cupcakes, that baker came out from the back and said OMG ARE YOU HENRY because she recognized him from my blog so then it became this funny Ha Ha thing where Henry was the face of Oh Honestly Erin etc etc. but honestly, these cupcakes are just…they’re the limit.

Here’s my old post about them from 2009. I haven’t even glanced at it since then so god only knows how atrocious and vulgar it is:

When Cupcakes Surpass Expectations: A Positive Review

OK well we reference a circle jerk in the second line, so that really sets the stage.

Anyway, VPS moved to a new location several years ago and then eventually closed when the Sugar Fairy took a job as a pastry chef at a restaurant downtown. Yeah I know I could have just gone there but it’s not the same. It’s just not. Talk to the hand, etc.

Then last week one of my pals posted in their Instagram stories that VPS was reopening in their OG location?? I went and looked and sure enough, it was a real thing and not something I misread with hopeful cupcake eyes. The soft opening was today at noon. Did henry and I get there 30 minutes early in anticipation of a line? You bet your sweet buttercreamed ass we did.

No one was there yet! So we territorially sprayed our spot at the door while we had a chance. Then some guy came out and said that he was actually first. “I even brought a chair,” he said, pointing through the window at his portable concert chair thingie. Turns out he’s like BFFs with the Sugar Fairy!

Anyway, he was a real treat to talk to, and then another guy strode up and got in line with us and he was really cool too! It was the best line I’ve stood in in quite some time. Cupcakes will do that.

They let us come in about 15 minutes early! There was a decent line that had started to snake out from the door (I WAS SECOND BEHIND BFF) so I was glad that we did get there early.

We got one of each and then told the guy to just continue plopping the ‘cakes in until the dozen box was filled. I was about to spend too much time thinking about what I wanted because it’s been over 5 years since one of the delicate frosted orbs from above melted on my tongue and I wanted them all.

Oh would you look at this smoll boi with the big sugared hair? Look how the cupcake portion is GLISTENING. Look at the specks of legit vanilla bean in that frosting beehive. I am heavy-breathing so hard right now. Thank god no one is currently home. (Chooch is at work as usual ugh and Henry is at one of his favorite stores: JOANN.)

Wow what a happy moment, tonguing a Vanilla Pastry Studio buttercream mound again. Shit son. These cake-muffins are just the best around. Go there. You won’t regret it. (Well. Maybe until you step on the scale. What? I’m a big numbers person, I can’t help it! MY WORLD REVOLVES AROUND MY MORNING WEIGH-IN I CANT BEEAK THE CHAINS, I AM BOUND TO THE SCALE, ITS MH ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.)

We didn’t eat them all! Henry and I split the four in the above picture, so we each had two cupcakes and then felt the SUGAR DOWNS quickly after. But never fear! We took a drive out to Keystone State Park to walk it off. Whew.

“Take a picture of me with the lake behind me.”

“Give me your hat. Now take a picture of me with those things.  No, those things. No, THOSE THINGS. Whatever those things are.”

(Cattails? No. I don’t know what to call these things.)

Also!!! See that box thingie in the tree? That was the thing that started my infamous giggle fit the last time we were here! When I was trying to remember the name of the place I wanted to go today, I kept saying, “You know, that one place where I laughed a lot. No, the one where I laughed like A LOT and you and Chooch were annoyed and didn’t think it was funny. Where I almost peed my pants. I don’t know, it was because of vampires or something and I was laughing.”

And then Henry was like, “Oh. I know where you mean.” Lol.

Keystone Kackling.

“Take a picture of me looking like a stüp*.”

*(What I called stupid people.)

“Take a picture of me holding my jacket open like this.”

I do love this jacket. I got it at Target! It’s Wild Fable or whatever their strange 90s fashion reboot line is called. I’m going to be very sad when it gets too cold to wear this but hopefully I’ll be able to get away with wearing it in Georgia next weekend.

“No wait, I wasn’t doing my PEEING DOG pose yet.”

“Ok, now I’m in prime canine PISSition. I’m ready. Take the picture. Henry are you taking the picture?”

“Wait let me do my SIGNATURE windmill pose now. Do I look cool? As cool as the Dutch ones?”

Henry just diligently snaps away while mumbling, “Sure but you will find something wrong with all of these as usual.”

Fake engagement photo. Ugh.

MY NEW MOUSTACHE.

“Take a picture of me looking scared behind a tree.”

“Take a picture of me pretending like it’s my school picture. EW WHY DO I LOOK SLEAZY??”

“Because you WERE sleazy in high school,” Henry said.

Touché.

Here are canoes.

Henry and I both had to pee after that and I offered suggestions on how we could both pee in the same toilet in the park restroom at the same time and he wouldn’t entertain my ideas because: “I feel like that would burn.”

OK well now I am going to finish my cup of coffee and read some more of my book before it’s time for FAMILY KPOP KARDIO NIGHT. (Chooch doesn’t know this is happening and will likely start a fight in order to get out of it so we’ll see. Check back later for the shocking conclusion, I guess.)

Hi bros and scarecrows, today’s story is about how I thought that SCHOOL PICTURE DAY was ruined.

Let’s back-up to October.

I was relaxin’ and maxxin’ all cool, as one do, when it occurred to me that it was pretty late into the month and shouldn’t school picture day be happening here soon?

In Modern Times, students aren’t sent home with important information anymore. Everything is emailed. And I don’t know about other schools, but Chooch’s school uses an independent local photography and not some SCHOOL PHOTO conglomerate, so we don’t get order forms. You basically just pay for the photo release and then you can do whatever the hell you want with the picture. Which is fine by me because we usually only ever want copy to frame but we’re always forced into purchasing a package.

Anyway, that being said, I am kind of sucky at reading those emails. But since it was at the forefront of my mind, I went into my email and searched “school picture day” and thank you, technology, the school email popped right up….and told me that I missed school picture day.

I WAS IRATE. Yes, this my fault, mostly, but the fact that HE DID NOT EVEN MENTION IT TO ME really had my blood sizzling.

So then this angry text was sent:

^*^)*&)*&)*$$@#$#^$()!!!!! The audacity!

But yeah, Responsible Parent Henry chimed in and was like THERE IS A MAKE-UP DAY. HE CAN GET IT REDONE. DON’T KILL EACH OTHER.

Oh that’s cool, he even went through with getting his picture taken on the actual photo day and then didn’t even feel the need to tell me about it all, wow. Like, “How was school?” “Oh, it was chill. I wore a tattered hoodie in my school picture. Oh yeah, it was school picture day.”

I was a nervous wreck the day of MAKEUP PICTURES because what if it was only for kids who didn’t already get their picture taken on the regular day? I was prepared to drive to the school if I had to. Or take my own photo and force them to use it in the yearbook.  I still sent him to school in a nice shirt, over which he pulled down a hoodie immediately.

Anyway, long story barely shortened, he told me that he had fully intended to NOT get a retake but then he happened to be walking down the hall as retakes were happening, walked right on past the photo area, stopped and sighed, and then turned around and asked if he could get one.

I WIN! ANOTHER ROUND FOR QUEEN MOTHER!

I was able to avoid the dreaded Hoodie School Pic, but we still gotta do something about his swoopy hair, OMG.

But yeah, this is the story of the 10th grade photo that was almost ruined but then wasn’t because I’m a spoiled parent who always gets her way.

It’s weird not having a legit anniversary date but also cool because yay anniversary SEASON. 20 years is a weird number. How has it been that long while feeling like forever and also yesterday? I was skulking around through my flickr archives (I mean, that’s the natural progression after stalking your own LiveJournal for a solid 3 days) and found some interesting old photos of Henry and me. Sadly, there aren’t a lot because I was waaaay worse then about having my picture taken and even though I have flinched forcefully at the jarring nature of Younger Erin’s….bloated visage (I drank a lot of Smirnoff Ice back then, ok? I was a different person, leave me ALONE), I still wish I had been able to get over myself and just let the photographic memories happen.

This was from 2004, I think. I also think that someone on LiveJournal was like, “It is my dying wish to see you and Henry in such-and-such pose” and I did it because back then I would do anything for the COMMENTS OH THE COMMENTS they literally ruled my life. This was also the start of my downward spiral because I was about 6 months into unemployment after walking out of WEISS MEATS and later filing a complaint with the EEOC and having to go through a mediation process and that was so awful, the whole experience, that it gave me PTSD to some degree without me even realizing it but I literally acquired a nervous stutter (which I couldn’t shake for years) and am still what I consider to be a shell, personality-wise, of who I used to be before that. But Henry stuck with me, even though he was still working at the same place and enduring A LOT OF ABUSIVE PROJECTION from the owners.

Also, I still have that hoodie – it’s from Coachella 2004 but Chooch has claimed it and wears it to school even though he wasn’t even born yet.

Um, this was our first Christmas picnic at the cemetery. I was like 6 months pregnant and looked like I was carrying twins to term. This was in 2005 and we STILL DO THIS! IT IS STILL OUR TRADITION ALL THESE YEARS LATER!

This was our first Christmas as CHOOCH’S PARENTS, 2006.

Henry miserable at a Chiodos show in 2008 lol.

Me, forever scowling at Henry, circa Easter 2007 where I was a year post-child birth and still lookin’ el preg.

Easter 2003 (see also: Corey’s Polaroid phase), an early SCOWL SHOT.

We decided to try and recreate this picture tonight and it was….a real time. A real time.

My scowl was actually real because Chooch wouldn’t help us and Henry was being dumb. Also, it’s annoying that he still has that XFest shirt, lol. That was from our first full summer together I think!? When I made Henry drive me to WISCONSIN for a hard rock festival so I could see my favorite band COLD and then we fought the whole way home because he wouldn’t take me to WISCONSIN DELLS and you better believe he will be taking me there maybe next summer because there are ROLLER COASTERS there that I am desperate to stuff my ass into.

Well, on that note, I have a bunch of nervous adrenaline coursing through my body so I think I need to take myself for a walk. Ciao for now, brown cow.

Maybe he can treat himself to a haircut lol. Sike, I’d GLADLY PAY FOR THAT SWOOP TO GET SHEARED. 

I was split 50/50 when Chooch ended up getting a job last month. Part of me thought he’s last a few days and then realize that labor is not for him. The other part of me thought the money-motivated side of his personality would kick in and he’d be researching McD franchise opportunities.

Well, I think it’s safe to say at this point that he is obsessed with making money and takes his job seriously. Especially after he got his first paycheck (pictured)! But that ignited a lengthy Extreme Paint Drying-style conversation between him and Henry, because bro had QUESTIONS.

Don’t we all!

His main concern was the fact that he worked three weeks at that point but only received a check for two weeks. We tried a hundred different ways to explain this to him. Henry was about ready to bust out the whiteboard while I was hovering above my body, willing myself to float away into the ether.

I thought henry had him all squared away but the next day, he took the T to McDonald’s after school, on his day off, to “confront” the managers about ripping him off.

Oh my god.

Anyway, I think he understands it now.

I hope.

It’s hilarious because before he got a job, his well-laid plans consisted of taking $20 from each paycheck and putting the rest into savings. Thennnnnn he got his first paycheck, lol. To be fair though, we got him some parental-controlled credit card so we can limit how much he’s spending, and also Henry has it set up so that all of his purchases are rounded up and the difference goes into savings. He hasn’t figured out yet that this is happening, lol.

In last week’s episode of “My 15-year-old Has a Job,” (my new favorite show!) a Chipotle burrito is suddenly OMG so expensive now that he’s using his own money. But…then he went to Rite Aid and bought two bags of balloons just because he could. So…

Whenever he’s working the drive-thru, he likes to text me and tell me, “I’m on drive thru. Come. Now.” And like, no. For so many reasons, no! None of us eat anything at McDonald’s for once, so anytime we go visit him, Henry usually gets stuck ordering an iced coffee (I can’t even do that because THEY HAVE NO DAIRY ALTERNATIVES, get with the times MCD’S!!!). And also, he wants us to jump and run over there the moment he texts! But then when we do, he’s acts all annoyed that we’re there! I mean, it couldn’t have anything to do with the act that the last time, I leaned across Henry and screamed, “IS THE MCRIB BACK!?!?!?!?!?!” into the speaker because they have like a million signs up for it. Chooch sighed with the pent up exasperation of 100 Bob Belchers.

After he came home that night, I excitedly asked him, “WASN’T THAT FUNNY WHEN I ASKED YOU ABOUT THE MCRIB??” He didn’t answer me, so I yelled, “WAIT DID YOU EVEN HEAR ME ASK THAT??” and he muttered, “Yes. EVERYONE heard you ask that because WE ALL WEARING HEADSETS.”

Yesss! And apparently one of the supervisors asked, “Do you know them or something?” because of the way Chooch turned from Working Chooch to Awkward FML Chooch.

THEN DON’T TELL US TO STOP BY, BRO!

The other day, he came home and said, “I’m thinking about working on Thanksgiving. It’s time and a half!”

And then he asked sincerely, “What is time and a half?”

He reminds me of someone and I can’t place it—-OH THAT’S RIGHT, ME. Lol! I am such a dunce with work stuff. Like, the other day I said to Carrie, “You know, exempt or non-exempt. Whichever one we are. I can never remember” and she very patiently told me. (OMG I forgot it again though. I’ll ask Henry when he comes home from The Store.)

Ever since I deep-dove into the LJ archives last week, I’ve been feeling some type of way. I guess also because we’re in the throes of our 20th year together so the emotions have been REAL.

One of the posts I read was from our first or second year together where we went to this family restaurant out in Perryopolis (whatever that means) called RANDALL’S and I made a point to ask for separate checks but when I went to pay, they didn’t accept credit cards so Henry ended up having to pay for me anyway. I thought it was interesting because he was definitely living with me at that point but apparently we still paid separately when eating out??

It’s hard to even imagine.

So since Henry is done with his BIG CHORE (aka THE SIGN), I suggested that we revisit Randall’s today for lunch while WORKING CHOOCH was WORKING. Kind of like a date??!!

Plus I just really kind of wanted a grilled cheese, you know?

First of all, henry got cole slaw and I was excited because it’s been a hot minute since I got to take a HENRY EATS COLE SLAW action shot. I truly apologize for the delay.

But guys. That cole slaw. It was THICK. Literally had SKIN on it. Clearly it was proportioned and chilling in a fridge all day but still – stir that shit! I mean it was ok, not the worst I’ve had (yes I always stew a forkful or five from Henry’s ‘slaw) but DANG that consistency was jarring.

My grilled cheese was you know, basic. This ain’t Melt, yanno.

Meanwhile henry was making dumb observations like “are these booths new?” Bro I don’t fucking know! I literally can’t even remember the last time we ate at Randall’s! It was basically like being there for the first time, at that point.

The first time I was ever there was in high school (senior year or possibly the summer after?) with Janna. Why the fuck we were in perryopolis is beyond me but I remember this was back when I was obsessed with .38 Special and Janna either had a car phone (?????) or a cell phone (????) because I remember calling the classic rock radio station afterward to request “Caught Up In You” and the DJ answered and asked me where I was calling from and I said “a parking lot” because duh, that’s where we were?? And he was like BUT WHERE IS THE PARKING LOT and I yelled I DUNNO PERRYOPOLIS??! and then he played my song after making some exasperated comment about me on air and it was also raining REALLY HARD I think? Janna if you’re reading this, feel free to weigh in but if you say “This never happened, you’re dreaming” a la my mom, I will fucking cry probably.

Yeah so that was a story. You’re welcome.

Our lunch was nothing to write home about, she said in the full-ass blog post she’s writing about it. Even still, when our waitress (who was great btw, service was fine!) asked if we saved room for dessert i barely gave her a chance to hang the question mark at the end of the sentence before blurting out YES WHAT KIND OF PIE DO YOU HAVE.

A LOT, evidently. She made a point of specifying that the two different kinds of apple pie had REAL APPLES (in Korean the word for apple also means apology) NOT THE CANNED STUFF and my gut was singing a “get the Dutch apple” jingle but NO I ordered a slice of coconut cream and told Henry we would share.

Coconut cream is one of my faves BUT I am very picky with it. I hate hate hate meringue (most of the time) and definitely prefer when it’s capped with a whipped cream topping instead. Don’t boo me, meringue lovers! Sometimes meringue can actually be good and refreshing and I will gladly slurp it down. But I find that is not often the case in restaurant meringues.

Bro. I knew as soon as I spotted the waitress with the coconut creame’d plate from across the room that it was going to be bad.

And it was. Not just the meringue. But the actual coconut custard was made with the same carelessness as the coleslaw! It was soooooo gelatinous and even Henry hated it. He pointed out that it tasted like chemicals. I had two small bites and pushed it over to his side and even he couldn’t finish it.

Dang, Randall’s. Put some effort into that shit! I cannot remember the last time we left a restaurant with an unpolished dessert plate.

Since we were in the vicinity I suggested popping over to the nearby Quaker cemetery because it’s been a while since we were last there. Henry was secretly scared because it’s haunted and tried to say that it was gated now because of vandalism but when we got there, the gate was open. Too bad so sad, Henry.

Quakering in my not-boots!

I swear it was way windier in the cemetery than it was anywhere else but henry will probably just rationalize it by saying WE WERE ON A HILL or whatever.

Sadly, no spirits that I can see but something inside the Church kept banging and Henry was like THAT IS FROM THE WIND but no, it was FROM DEMONS I am sure of it.

Then Professional Driver got lost somehow and blamed my phone because he hates Apple. Mm, cook on. That was fine though because it gave us more time to listen to NCT127 (this latest comeback has me dead) and then fall down a rabbit hole of NINETIES R&B THAT MADE TEENAGE ERIN WANT TO HANG HERSELF. It was a good afternoon. Really. It was.

If you’re thinking “boy I thoroughly enjoyed reading this drivel and could really go for round two,” here’s a post about a time we were at this cemetery when Chooch was but a wee one.

Oh what fun, more books that I read last month.

 7. That Weekend – Kara Thomas

I think if I read this book as a teenager, it would have been Mind Blown City over here. Or, over there in my mom’s house, I guess. But even as an adult, I liked it good enough. It was goodly. Basically some teenage bitch wakes up on a mountain after being found by a hiker or whatever, and she realizes in the hospital that she can’t remember the events of the past day and also, where the fuck are her two friends she was with OMG the drama.

There’s some narrative switching throughout which kept it fresh and I honestly wasn’t expecting some of the twists. I’m also the type of person who goes into thrillers not really wanting to know too much or trying to guess the twists. I want to be shocked and awed, you know?

This is really super far-fetched, but don’t we love that in a thriller? It was a pretty easy and entertaining read, but one complaint I have is that the characters just weren’t very compelling. I couldn’t:

• visualize any of them
• bring myself to care very much about any of them

I dunno, I didn’t hate it!

8. Clown in a Cornfield

I thought this would be perfect to read during the month of haunted hayrides and corn mazes, lol. It was OK! I thought that this was an adult horror, and perhaps it’s meant to be, but it did read as more of YA, in my opinion.

I didn’t love this as much as I wanted to but it definitely is pretty gory at times. In fact, I was listening to the audio while going on a million walks on my HalloCation and there were parts that gave me legit jello-legs because it was so graphic. A quick summary: teenagers in a small town are terrorized by a killer clown while partying in a cornfield. One thought I had was that this would translate well to a Netflix movie, a la the recent Fear Street trilogy.

But in book-form, it felt kind of cartoonish if that makes sense? Like, I was literally picturing all the kids as illustrations, it was weird.

9. The Missing years – Lexie Elliott

DUDE this book was pretty great! I actually had no idea what it was when I checked it out of the library although I must have heard about it from some Booktuber at some point. But it’s a very atmospheric haunted house story set in Scotland.

Our main character inherits her childhood home after her mom dies and she temporarily moves back to it with her half-sister while getting it in order and trying to decide what to do with it. While there, a revolving door of locals enter the picture, some creepy, some creepier, and we start to wonder if the house is haunted or if something more is happening. I REALLY liked it. The dialogue was natural and interesting, the characters were well-written, the house was fucking weird. And the whole time we’re wondering WTF HAPPENED TO MAIN GIRL’S DAD??

I think I would consider this more of a mystery than horror or thriller. It really, I dunno, hit the spot? It made me crave a cup of tea that’s for sure.

10. The Girls are Never Gone – Sarah Glenn Marsh

I saw this being billed as “The Conjuring” meets the book “Sadie,” and I…disagree. The main girl up in this bitch has a podcast about haunted shit, but while the podcast is mentioned occasionally, it’s  not actually part of the book like the podcast was in “Sadie.” That was an epic podcast-within-a-book experience, especially from the audiobook perspective! So this girl is spending a few weeks helping some historical society restore an allegedly haunted house and she volunteers only so she can use the experience for her podcast on the low-low.

There are some creepy moments because this isn’t The Conjuring level of scares, Mary. It was an OK read. The main character was likeable, I learned a lot about Type 1 Diabetes, and there is a fucking adorable dog side-character who, IMO, totally carries this book.

11. The Last House on Needless Street – Catriona Ward

UM THIS BOOK? Uh huh. This was IT. It’s being billed as “horror” – ignore that noise. Swat it away. This is not horror, although it’s definitely dark. But also…funny? I wasn’t expecting that. There are three POVs in this book:

• Ted, a disturbed man who lives with his cat and a lot of secrets.
• Ted’s cat!! She has her own chapters! She is religious and says “gd” instead of “goddamn”! I loved her so much!
• Dee, a young woman who is determined to find her sister who went missing on her watch several years before.

This was NOT what I was expecting and it will make you learn some shit about yourself, such as: how easily we are swayed to believe certain things. I can’t really say too much about this one without giving a lot away but it was fantastic and made me feel a lot of emotions from disgust to dread, panic to hope. Out of all the books I read in October, this would be the one I would recommend. It is a true literary treat, but please try to avoid spoilers!

You guys. It’s on the wall. The Seoul subway sign. It’s actually on the fucking wall!! Aaaaand Henry has decided he doesn’t like it and is going to tweak some things but whatever – it’s like 90% done I guess?? I’m happy with it!

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The lights can also be solid but I really liked how festive it looks with the multi-colored blinking lol. Our house is an actual LED nightmare. Anyway, someone commented on that and asked if it was from a kit – yeah Henry wishes! This beast took nearly 2 years to make and Henry and I argued over it a million times to the point where it’s actually a miracle that it didn’t completely ruin – or kill – us. I gave him lots of grief for it but let’s be real here – dude literally had to design this and build it from fucking ground zero with NO REFERENCES because who the fuck has ever built one of these bitches before!? No YouTube videos, no…what the fuck is that thing that sponsors all of the influencers…SKILLSHARE. Yeah, there was none of that shit. It was trial and error. And a million times already he’s said things like, “if I had to build another one, I would do it totally differently.” Lol. I mean, it was a learning experience?!

Not too much of a backstory here – just that I REALLY FUCKING FELL IN LOVE with the Seoul subway system. Like, major love. Is it weird that Chooch and I have dreams of going back and choosing random lines we haven’t been on before and just….riding it out? Like, that would be a fun itinerary for us! Just exploring all the different stations?! Yes. I want to do this.

You would never how much I love Korea if you came to my house.

OMG my favorite subway station is Jongno Sam-ga. I know you were dying to ask me this question. I mean it’s practically right up there next to “what’s your sign?”

THE SEOUL SUBWAY SIGN. Duh.

I bought myself this keychain thinking that it would inspire me to actually take my house key with me when I leave the house. Um, so far I have been taking it with me but my paranoia of the key not working in the door even though I have tested it a thousand times keeps me from locking it lol ugh.

The first time we visited South Korea, we stayed in Jongno and that particular subway station was super close to our hotel. Shit Tom, we had some grand times in that area.  Please to enjoy a post from the last time we visited:

Giddy in Jongno

The cats are honestly just like “kill us” at this point.

I’m just glad to not have a gigantic blank space on the wall anymore. You know me, gotta fill all the walls and make the house as claustrophobic as possible!

I’m also very happy that you can see this from the sidewalk as you’re walking past our house so we have definitely had several lookie-lou’ers since Monday night.  Also, Henry is the best, in case I haven’t said that yet. <3

As someone who really enjoyed the process of getting ready for work every morning, I have really been at odds with this never-ending WFH sitch. I know I have whined about this a million times since 2020 at this point but to summarize: I am ultra-grateful that I work at a place where our safety and health comes first and we have the capability of efficiently and seamlessly doing our jobs from home. I really do like that, I swear.

But I miss all of my clothes! I mean I suppose I could still wear them “to work” even though I’m not leaving the house but it’s not the same and also not conducive to my hourly five-minute jogging in place.

I keep telling Henry that he needs to start taking me on dates so I can wear my nice clothes (while he alternates between two flannels lol but who cares what he’s wearing when all of my clothes are so cute) or else I’m going to find other people to go on dates with. That definitely has not lit any fires under his ass lol.

Anyway, I was off on Monday and felt momentarily motivated to organize my closet but then within the first 2 minutes I spotted one of my favorite blouses that I definitely have not worn since probably 2019 at this point and then I also found a pair of jeans that I took to Korea in 2018 and thought I lost but no, they were balled up and punched into the back of a shelf on top of closet. So instead of organizing, I declared to the cats that it was PHOTOSHOOT TIME, starring Horsey shirt from F21 and guest-starring a striped thermal from H&M that I bought last year and have worn zero times.

Enjoy. Or don’t enjoy. It’s a free country. Um, I will also pepper this bitchin’ stew with some fun-ish facts about me, things that have been on my mind, dot dot dot?

• Instead of butter, I spray popcorn with Pam. I picked that habit up as a child from my aunt Sharon and grandma, because they were always trying to cut calories (I still have a fondness for Melba toast crackers because of my grandma and also have a pretty chunky fear of food, lol). I’m sure I probably have tumors from this but I’m too afraid to google “does Pam cause cancer” so…Mmm, buttered aerosol!

• I am off work today (it always gets to this part of the year and I’m racing to use my PTO) so I walked to Mediterra in Mt, Lebanon to get one of their exquisite pumpkin spice lattes. I had to wait at the bar area because it was shockingly bumpin’ for 10:15am on a Tuesday. I was only half-paying attention to the barista guy. He asked me if I was the to-go PSL, and that he had tow more drinks to make but then mine was up. I thought that was considerate of him to tell me, and then I went back to scrolling through Instagram. When he was done with my latte, he set it down without the lid on and said, “Because I wanted you to see that I gave you a heart because I care” and I AM SURE HE SAYS THIS TO EVERYONE but it was literally all it took to get me to have an instant crush because my self-worth is…where is it? Down there somewhere. You might be stepping on it. Anyway, so now I will be going to this place a lot. I called Henry immediately to tell him. “And he was totally my type!” I said breathily. “Korean?” Henry asked sarcastically and I said, “No. Actually, I don’t really know if he was cute because he was wearing a mask. But he was like, mid-20s. And looked like he might like Balance and Composure. So…”

• When I was little, my dad was friends with this dude who had a daughter around my age named MANDY and MANDY was like TRES PERFECTIQUE. (Fun fact within a fun fact: I do not know French.) Anyway, I just remember that she was like blond and skinny and pretty and popular and I was fat and fat and fat and fat and sometimes we would get invited over to go swimming which was, woo hoo, so great for me, especially since she had an older brother who got to see me jiggling in my swimsuit. The one thing about MANDY in a list of SO MANY GREAT THINGS ABOUT MANDY (I accidentally typed “mandu” just then which is a Korean dumpling and far superior to MANDY) was that she was a Tamburitzen. I had no idea WTF a Tamburitzen was but her mother used to brag about her performances all the fucking time like OK we get it, MANDY is the Gen X MARSHA BRADY. Jesus Fucking Christ. ANYWAY, I just recently saw something about how the Mattress Factory – my favorite local art museum – hosted some kind of event in which the TAMBURITZENS performed and apparently even after all  these years, I am still triggered. BRB going to google MANDY.

• Did you know that before Henry and I were officially dating, I was still with my current boyfriend Jeff and all this shit went down where I was reunited with my bio dad’s mother and aunt for the first time since he died when I was 3 and they told me all this shit I didn’t know about him and I was having a fucking identity crisis having grown up not knowing my birth dad’s family at all, and I called Jeff all upset whose response was something super sweet like, “Well, if you’re going  to be all upset about this stuff tonight, let’s just go out another time” OR SOMETHING SMILARLY CALLOUS so I went to the cemetery and sat next to my dad’s grave and didn’t know who else to call so I called Henry (OMG on my NOKIA cell phone #2001) and he came to the cemetery with a bottle of water knowing that I was probably crying and dehydrated and then I took a sip of water and it went down the wrong pipe and I started choking and he essentially saved me, almost killed me, and then saved me again all in the span of like 5 minutes and I guess that’s when I knew he was the one lol. OH MEMORIES.

• Hey speaking of identity crises, can I take a second to bitch about HOW FRUSTRATING it is when people outside of my department at work call me “Kelly” in emails? I mean, I know it’s an easy mistake for people like me with two first names but it’s still annoying. However, there is this one lady who is a part of our sister department in Melbourne AND SHE HAS CONSISTENTLY referred to me as “Kelly” for as long as she has been here, which has been at least five years at this point. It is so fucking insulting!!! And just when I thought she couldn’t offend me any deeper, she copied me on email recently where she referred to me as KELLY ERIN. KELLY ERIN!!!!! I just really fucking can’t. It kills me. How hard is it to know the names of your COWORKERS?!?! We were even in the same GROUP in the department until recently.

• My all time favorite grilled cheese is on pumpernickel bread with artichoke hearts and dill Havarti. I call it the “Adult Grilled Cheese.” My second favorite is gouda or cheddar and raspberry jam on any type of bread.  I haven’t had either of these in YEARS though!

• I’m not afraid of clowns because I spent a shit ton of my childhood at my grandparents’ house where my grandma had an entire room full of clowns and she would sometimes pay me to dust in there. I suppose this could have gone either way, though! The two clown paintings in the background are actually from the Gillcrest Clown Room!

• This one time in 2002 when I worked at the REALLY SUPER TERRIBLE MEAT PLACE that left me a stutter and social anxiety, one of the drivers had apparently stolen money or something, I can’t remember the full details now, but DETECTIVES got involved and I had to sit in a conference room with them for THREE HOURS getting grilled (and the one detective was a super huge prick, I’m sure you’re shocked) because I was responsible for checking in drivers and also one of the salesmen was also getting interrogated with me and after all of that, one of the owners came in and asked the salesman if he wanted lunch from Lotus Garden but DID NOT ASK ME and that is so on brand for the way I was treated there for 4 years. FUCK YOU, WEISS MEATS. Also, I was one of only 2 women who worked there and was referred to universally as The Girl, so I guess being called “Kelly” at my present job isn’t the worst thing in the world BUT STILL.

• OMG I am perusing LiveJournal entries from 2002 and apparently there was some salesman from the Pennysaver who used to come into Weiss Meats to do ad stuff with them and it turned out that we liked some of the same bands (I was really into hard rock and OMG nu metal back then) and he would sometimes borrow CDs from me but APPARENTLY on this one day as he was leaving, he said, “THANKS, KEL” and I was so angry. He really liked this band called Primer 55 and they were so shitty.

• OK speaking of shitty bands, this is about to be the BIGGEST SECRET I WILL EVER TELL ON THIS BLOG, OK. I *liked* Nickelback for a hot minute AND EVEN BOUGHT A SHIRT AND HAD THEM SIGN IT when I saw them open for THREE DOORS DOWN in 2001. I ACTUALLY TALKED TO THAT CHAD DUDE AND HE WAS SUCH A CUNT. I KNOW THIS IS A SHOCKING REVELATION. But he was so impatient to sign my shit and move me along so he could get to the bitchin’ metal babe in a tube top behind me. OMG I don’t know what is happening in my head right now but everything is tying together because I just remembered that I WAS WEARING THAT NICKELBACK SHIRT the day referenced in an earlier FUN FAT where I went to meet my birth dad’s mom and then almost drowned on bottle water at Jefferson Memorial. Um, don’t worry. I donated that shirt to Goodwill a really long time ago, lol.

• Speaking of NICkelback and EMBARRASSING LIKES, Con Air starring NIColas Cage was on TV the other night and I furiously shushed Henry who had the audacity to try and converse with me while I was watching that while painting my nails. “I’ll never understand how this is one of your favorite movies,” he mumbled to which I mumbled that I was going through a heavy John Cusack phase in the 90s, bro and also do I even need a reason and alsox2, I have never NOT CRIED AT THE END and trust me, I cried at the end last week too. You can ask Chooch who was standing there looking uber concerned because we were about to leave for a walk but I held up a hand and cried, “WAIT. I HAVE TO WATCH THE END FIRST” and he was like, “Wait…you actually like this movie?” OMFG houseful of Con Air haters.

• I also really liked A Perfect Circle and Cold back then too but I have no shame or regrets with those musical choices at all, in fact, this just inspired me to bark, “HEY ALEXA, PLAY A PERFECT CIRCLE. YOU DUMB CUNT.”

• Hey speaking of Echo/Alexa, Henry tried to program it so that Alexa (or whoever the dude is that talks on our kitchen Echo Show now) will call me a cunt in response, but THEY GOTTA STAY G-RATED APPARENTLY, SORRY HENRY.

• Sometime in middle school, I found a copy of “Ghost Story” by Peter Straub in my grandparent’s basement and read it over the summer. I remember sitting in the rarely-used living room of my parent’s house and having legit goosebumps in broad daylight because that book scared me so much. I always say it’s one of the scariest books I’ve ever read but I have always been too afraid to re-read it in case it doesn’t hold up.

(Isn’t this fun?? It makes me feel like I’m having lunch with a real life friend and just chatting about life, or you know, sitting on a therapist’s couch.)

• Since I’m on a 2002 LiveJournal entry kick, here is a riveting tale of PIZZA DAY at Weiss Meats:

Every Friday, my other boss, Elliott, runs up to me all excitedly and says ‘Pizza today!’ which means that I have to don a stupid baseball cap and trudge on down to the cutting room to see what the meat cutters want on their pizzas. Today was no different. Except I forgot to wear the hat, and the Federal Inspector, Dave, was down there. So i asked him if he could go in for me and get their orders. He said ‘C’mon, Erin, it’s me. You think I really care if you go in their with your hair exposed?’ Ha. Federal Inspectors have the easiest job. So I get the orders and John, the foreman, gives me $50. I was like ‘What’s this for? You know Elliott always pays.’ He insisted that I take it because HE wanted to pay. Why is beyond me. But then Pete, another meat cutter, pulled out $60 and said ‘No, I’LL pay.’ The two of them argued it out, and Pete won. Apparently no one wants Elliott doing them any favors. What do I care though? I still didn’t have to pay.

I go back upstairs to the offices and show Elliott the list, so he can calculate how many pizzas to get. This is really fun to watch. Not really. We then must decide where to get the pizza. Italian Village is the fastest, but they ‘really like Firinzi’s.’ Elliott tells me to get it from the latter and that he’ll have someone go and pick it up, so it’lll be faster. Aaron, Elliott’s son, says that HE will call. Which is fine by me, because I hate talking to that Italian woman.

Just when I think everything is over with, Eric comes upstairs with a menu for One Eyed Willie’s and starts getting orders. Joe and Elliott run into the kitchen, panicked, saying ‘The girl already got orders for pizza! What’s going on?’ They were quite literally ricocheting off walls. Eric explained that some people wanted to order from One Eyed Willie’s and that it had nothing to do with the pizza. Mass confusion subsides.

Until an hour later, when Elliott becomes antsy for his pizza, that is. I asked him who was going to pick it up, in which he replies ‘Yanno, I have no idea.’ So then erupts the search for Aaron. When Aaron is found, they find out that the pizza, is, in fact, being delivered.

Fifteen minuted later, pizza arrives. Everyone’s happy. My head hurts.

• I only bought this splendid popcorn carrier from Everland in Korea because I immediately envisioned it having a second life as a purse.

• Apparently on November 6, 2002, “I was so pissed off last night because I thought I taped Felicity, but my stupid Tony Little Gazelle tape was in there instead.” Wow,  talk about telling me it’s 2002 without telling me, U NO. (Oh great, here I go on my Scott Speedman kick again.)

Well, this post is spiraling. I’m going to go and try to enjoy the rest of my day off, I guess, now that I have thoroughly depressed myself with skimming LiveJournal posts from 2002. I can honestly say that my life is a million times better at 42 than 23. Y-y-y-y-yikes. Also, how the fuck did Henry and I make it this long?? After reading some of that shit, I truthfully have no idea but thank god, man.

My beloved haunted house tattoo was TINGLING this year. I will be honest here and admit that the last couple of years leading up to 2020, I felt myself falling a bit out of love with haunted houses. It’s a combination of my friends outgrowing it, and then the ones who really do love it moved away (Laura, I miss you so much, but especially in October), so it would usually end up just being me and Chooch, sometimes Henry if the haunt wasn’t too $$$ (Henry is a tight wad, you guys). And then it was just kind of like the same old, same old. You know?

But then 2020 happened and even though some haunts still opened during the pandemic with precautions in place, none of us felt like risking it since vaccinations weren’t happening yet.

So I don’t know if taking that season off was what needed to happen for my heart to grow fond again (lol) or what, but this year reignited that flame and my heart was once again a motherfucking farm bonfire next to a queue for a haunted hayride.

That being said: shit son, this past weekend was rough because I knew deep in my heart that it was time to accept the fact that Halloween/haunted house season is officially over. I mean, it’s always Halloween in my heart and of course it doesn’t have to be with the TikTok kids and influencers call “spooky season” to be able to enjoy horror movies but we all know that majority of haunted houses call it quits on the last weekend of October.

However! There are a handful that extend the creepy fun to the first weekend of November so we took advantage of that!

One of those was Scarehouse. I have a HUGE CHIP ON MY SHOULDER with this one and have actually removed it from my “must visit” list about 10 years ago or so. Long enough ago that Chooch has never been there, let’s put it that way. I started going to this haunt in its inaugural season and followed them through two? three? location changes. And in the beginning years, it was decent! But like Hundred Acres Manor, it grew too big and then they started paying for the “best in Pittsburgh” title and it turned into a shit show. For a while there, they were even  the most expensive haunt in the land and it pissed me off because we would wait in line for upwards of 2 hours just to be herded through like cattle in way too large groups so it just wasn’t scary or fun.

But they moved to ANOTHER new location this season and I figured, “OK FINE I WILL GIVE IT A CHANCE BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING SUCKER.” Plus, you can buy tickets in blocks of time so you’re guaranteed to go in within that 30 minute block – allegedly, anyway. I was correct in assuming that it wouldn’t be crowded on a Friday night post-season so there were only about 5 groups ahead of us and it moved speedily.

I *almost* ate crow that night because they sent everyone in with just their own group, no cattle-herding, and the first part of the haunt was actually pretty cool. I was like, “OK SCAREHOUSE, I SEE YOU.” But then after the first 5 or 10 minutes, about 10 groups had caught up with each other and it was a major traffic jam. Everyone was just slowly shuffling through and next to nothing was happening. Also, I get that their new location is inside a half-desolate mall and I think that part of the theming was like 1990s post-apocalyptic shopping mall rave? I literally have no idea and that actually sounds really cool written down but in reality it was a fucking snooze.

If they could expand upon the beginning section, fucking figure out the pacing issue AFTER 20 YEARS OF THIS BULLSHIT, and I dunno, make it actually scary, then I will go back. But this ain’t it, Scarehouse.

“And that’s exactly why I waited out here,” Henry said when we rejoined him in the empty food court, bloated with complaints that needed to be filed. Oh and also I fell inside one of those stupid inflatable things and have a huge bruise on my knee, so double-fuck you, Scarehouse. The best part of that night was going to a nearby Target afterward and buying a Christmas train cat scratch pad thingie for Drew and Penelope, to add their gigantic collection of cardboard Target cat houses.

However!! The next night while Chooch was at work, Henry and I went to Wells Township Haunted House in Brilliant, Ohio. I always see this one in the listings but I guess the fact that it says “Ohio” always deterred me because in my mind everything in Ohio is at least 2 hours away. This is less than an hour from Pittsburgh though!! It’s actually kind of near Dark View, which we LOVE but sadly didn’t make it to this year.

So, we almost didn’t come to this one because it was a lights out tour and, having never been there before, I worried that it would be a bad “first time” experience. However, our other WE’RE STILL OPEN THIS WEEKEND! option was Haunted Hills Estate in Uniontown and they too were doing a lights out tour. And the big draw for that one is their challenge trail so I thought it would be kind of dumb to go there and miss out on that portion because it seemed like that wasn’t happening. Finally, I was like, “OK, I’m calling it. We’re going to the one in Ohio. At least it’s something to do.”

Because honestly, I have been having so much this season with Henry! It gives me hope that even once Chooch is out of the house, we still have a chance of having fun together! Maybe! Lol!

We got there a bit before 7 and it was really nice because you get assigned a group # once you pay, so just like Rich’s Fright Farm and Demon House, you can mingle about and not have to stand in line for an hour+. They had some hobo fires going and I was practically climbing inside one, I was so cold. (If this was an “out loud” story in real time, Henry would interrupt this part to mumble, “It wasn’t that cold.”) They had super loud hard rock playing on giant speakers with the corresponding music videos projected onto the side of the building, which kept us entertained. Plus there were some monsters milling around too, and at one point the chainsaw brigade was unleashed so waiting for our #16 to display on the LED sign was not a boring activity.

Um, you guys? I get it now. I know why they’re #1. This was the best one I went to all fucking season, and even  the last several seasons if we’re being honest. Possibly the best one since my BELOVED VICTORY HAUNTED SCHOOL SHUTTERED ITS DOORS. I’m not sure if this was just because of the “lights out” liabilities or if it’s always like this, but we had to sign a waiver before entering, and then Henry was given a glow stick to help illuminate the way.

And from the moment that door shut behind us, it was a TOUCHING FREE-FOR-ALL. I don’t think I have ever been touched so intimately in public by so many strangers before, honestly, and I know it should seem like this would be something that me, of all people, would be highly opposed to, but there is something about being groped in the dark in a haunted house by “monsters” that is EROTICALLY  THRILLING TO ME AND CLEARLY I HAVE SOME NICHE FETISHES, most of which revolve around Halloween / haunted houses, I guess.

Henry said they barely touched him at all, but sometimes his beard would get stroked, and I was like, “Oh shit, Mary, they were all over me!” He just laughed and said he noticed. I fucking loved it though. Like, I am giving you my money to scare me (safely though, I won’t do any of that hardcore shit where they give you a safe word and make you do disgusting things – I know my limits) so fucking scare me, bitches. And they did, from start to finish! I screamed my face off and laughed hysterically through the entire building and I couldn’t stop talking about it the next day.

The pacing was *CHEF’S KISS* too. Those actors knew how to run that shit and made sure we either chased through or stalled at various points so we never caught up to any groups until the very end, which (no spoilers in case you feel like going next year!!) was understandable because of the way it ended.

According to their website, being touched there is not just a “lights out” thing but something that they do on regular nights, but the guy who gave us the run-down of the ruled that night did say that with the lights-out tour, the groups are smaller to make it more intimate and it sounds like the regular haunted house tours are guided? So I will definitely be returning next year on a regular night (Henry said we can probably do that one and Dark View on the same night – double-haunt nights are a 1990s throwback dream!) to see if I still think it’s the best one but in any case, I think I will be adding their lights out event to my regular rotation!

OMG I was so pumped after we left this one. What a fucking way to end the 2021 season! And hilariously, I almost made an Instagram post last week giving a shout out to my top haunts of the season, thinking that the ones I went to this past weekend likely wouldn’t change my rankings. Wow. WOWOWOWOWOWOW. I was wrong on both ends, because I added a new top #1 AND and a new “worst” to the list, even though let’s be real, I expected that shit from Scarehouse, lol.

What a season of exceptional scares, high-throttle giggle fits, and acting like a brand new high school couple with Henry!

Being a Kpop fan has been hard for me lately because while I do love the genre as a whole, of course I have my faves. But my top faves have all left a huge hole in my heart:

• SHINee is on military hiatus again, this time with Taemin enlisted.
• Same with Winner.
• Got7 is presumably disbanded.
• The drama with B.I. has IKON feeling a different type of way.
• VIXX, Infinite, Block B are all done-zo I guess??
• And PUH-LEASE don’t get me started on BIGBANG.
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  Being a VIP is so heart-breaking these days. Can we at least get a G-Dragon solo comeback?? Can someone get Seungri out of jail or wherever the fuck he is?? Can TOP stop hanging out with artists long enough to collab with GD maybe?

However, every time I start to lose interest or get stuck in a “2nd generation kpop” loop on Spotify, NCT have a comeback and totally breathe life back into me. They are literally the only current, active Kpop group that get me legit hyped with new music. Specifically the sub group NCT127, and their latest comeback for “Favorite” has me in a constant state of SWOON.

Please allow me to share with you one of their live performances of this sweet sweet Jimmy-jam. The choreo makes me squeal and the chorus reminds me of old SHINee. I am so into this song that I’m practically wearing it like a parka.

I think they have come so far since the first time I saw them live in 2017. They are stacked with talent and for all the people who insist that Kpop idols can’t sing? Here’s a video of them singing an encore after winning on one of the music shows.

Look how much fun they have!!!

They also have huuuuuge personalities and their behind the scenes fan content (especially Johnny’s Communication Center videos) never fails to crack me up. Even Henry smiles and almost knows all of their names lol. (His bias is Jungwoo.)

(Mine is Haechan but Jaehyun is my bias wrecker.)

Well, that’s all I wanted to say on this crisp November Saturday. Annyeong!

I mean, it’s November 5th at this point so like, let’s wrap up the October nonsense, Erin. Look Linda, I am CLINGING, OK? Because I swear to god as soon as Halloween happens, it’s like “fuck fall, bring on the shitty Xmas songs, snowstorms, and crippling seasonal depression” you know? NO. WE HAVE TO FIGHT BACK. SAVE AUTUMN! Ugh, I just hate this so much. I want to be able to enjoy and cherish November but winter-harbingers make it so fucking hard. I know if I turn on the TV right now, I’m going to be blasted by some obnoxious Old Navy Christmas sweater commercial and I just don’t have the strength right now, Mary. I really don’t. This morning on my walk, I had to wear a full-fledged winter coat and I am in tears just thinking about that.

We had like, two solid weeks of decent hoodie weather, though if you’re my kid, you will argue that a hoodie is still all you need even though it was 27 degrees (FAHRENHEIT BECAUSE AMERICA) when he left the house for school this morning so I’m really excited that my favorite season of “ARGUING OVER WEARING A COAT” has come early this year.

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Anyway, I still have some pictures from actual Halloween to share and some crybaby thoughts to spill so, bundle up, baby. Literally. It’s fucking cold!

My pal Patty sent me this cute witch hat earlier this year and honestly, what better day to wear it. I wanted Drew to pose for adorable pics with me but she is rude.

Literally will never look at the damn camera!!!

When it was almost time for trick or treating (it starts at 5pm in my neighborhood which is way too early if you ask me), we got Trudy primped and moved her over to the window. I made sure her robe was covering her boobs so she wasn’t being too obscene for the children.

No one seemed to notice her anyway :(

I spent two hours being my typical uptight NO ONE IS COMING TO OUR HOUSE Halloween self. I hate this street!!!!

We had ONE KID who came to our house of his own volition. AND NO, IT WASN’T ONE OF HENRY’S GRANDKIDS! Henry had to actually text Blake and tell him to send the kids over before they left to go elsewhere for trick or treating and at first I was so excited because I thought, stupidly, that this was the first time ever that they had the good sense to send the kids to us but NO it was only because Henry told them to.

UGH!

Then there were two youngish kids walking in an entire parental parade, seriously there were a ton of grown-ups all for two kids, and when they started to pass our house, I whipped open the door and stood there sadly with my bowl of candy, making eye contact with one of the moms, who told her kids to go to my house. UGH FINALLY.

Somewhere in the first hour, a group of 4 teens started to walk past, likely going a few streets over to the next neighborhood, but I once again flung the door open and yelled, “COME HERE AND GET CANDY.”

Henry was on the couch behind me, mumbling, “Oh my god, you’re so embarrassing.”

The worst part was that ONLY TWO OF THEM came the door. The other two stayed on the sidewalk, in a silent protest of Naw, I’m Good, while the other two were now on my porch, looking all nervous like  they were about to meet a Hansel & Gretel fate.

I mean, I was wearing that stupid hat after all.

“No one ever comes to my house!” I cried, while telling them to take more candy.

“Oh, well, Happy Halloween,” the kid in some non-descript box costume said in a tone so sad & soothing, like someone wishing an orphan a Merry Xmas. It was absolutely pathetic. I hate myself.

I hope that one day when they’re older, one of them will be all, “Hey Chad, remember when we were on our way to get high in the alley behind the laundormat on Halloween and some crazy broad chased us down with a bowl of candy?”

Then there was the kid going solo, dressed as clown, too busy making a Tik Tok on my sidewalk to notice me frantically shaking the candy bowl in his direction. And for the finale, there two way older – probably too old – kids who I verbally accosted and were kind enough to come to my door. The girl was dressed as some orange furry thing and was like, “LET’S TALK ALL NIGHT!” and she was with Michael Myers, who REJECTED ME.

“No thanks, I don’t really like chocolate,” he said.

Rejected by Michael Myers. A new low.

Then I spotted more people down the street. I started to run down the sidewalk with my candy bowl but Henry stopped me. “Those are adults!” he said. “And also, our neighbors.” He said this in a tone that didn’t sit well with me, like he was implying I was an idiot or something. NO, JUST HAVE BED EYES, BUT THANKS.

Wow. What a fucking Halloween night. So great. Woo hoo.

Just when we were about to call it, there was a knock on the door and I was like HOLY SHIT, THE FIRST KNOCK ON THE DOOR ALL NIGHT??? But then it ended up just being Henry’s grandkids, back from the “good trick or treating,” looking for seconds. Ugh, just take it all.

Fuck Halloween. I’m handing out candy somewhere else next year.

You know, even though I smashed up the car earlier in the day on Friday, the weekend was still OK. I mean, as long as I could get myself to stop dwelling on it! We kicked off Halloweekend by picking up Surly Son from work on Friday evening and then driving out to a new-to-us haunt in Ellwood City called Fearscapes. Apparently this is its third year but I had never heard of it. Chooch didn’t notice the door when he got in the car, out of the car at the haunted house, or into the car after the haunted house. Captain Obliv.

There were only around 3 groups of people in front of us but they were waiting a good 10 minutes before sending the next people through. Luckily, it was a dry, mild night and we were entertained by a pig-man who liked my jean jacket.

No, not Henry! Like, a guy wearing an actual pig mask.

Chooch was “so tired” because he went to school “all day” and then worked for 2 and a half hours. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, SONNY BOY.

Anyway, it was a good haunted house! Well, I wouldn’t call it a haunted “house” as much as a haunted “attraction,” and I think that’s what it was billed as anyway. I don’t want to give anything away but I’ll just say that it was definitely one of the more unique haunts I’ve walked through and there was a special appearance by The Stolen Stitches that was super entertaining! I think if they could just expand a bit and add some more rooms, make it a bit longer, it would be even better. But, at only $15 a ticket (hey, that’s cheap in hauntland), it was pretty exceptional.

I just have been having so much fun going to haunted houses with these guys this season, to the point where it really feels like I’m a teenager again. I don’t know if it’s simply because we took a season off due to covid or what, but I was admittedly losing some of that Hallow-lust over the last several years.

Afterward, we went to Sheetz so Mr. Workaholic could get food, wah wah wah, and this was when he finally noticed that something was amiss with the back door. Henry was getting gas so as Chooch and I were walking into Sheetz together, he was grilling me about the car and I snapped, “Your dad did it OK, it’s actually none of your business, why do you care so much???” and he cried, “Oh OK, as if you probably weren’t pissed off too when you saw that he smashed the car!”

(FYI the car IS NOT SMASHED….just…dented a bit.)

So then later I heard him interrogating Henry about it and Henry shouted, “I HIT A PILLAR OK DROP IT!!”

SEE THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DIDN’T WANT CHOOCH TO KNOW WHAT I DID. He turns into AggroDad!

My favorite part of all of this is how quickly one little “fib” has spiraled out into A WEB OF LIES. This is jumping out of order, but the next day, Henry parked the car in the driveway instead of the lot across the street like usual, and I freaked out because now the neighbors were going to see The Door. He was like NO THEY WON’T but then his kid Blake came home with his fam and IMMEDIATELY asked Henry “What happened to your car??” Because Blake and Chooch talk every day, Henry had to tell The Lie to Blake now, as well. I heard him say it too, totally effortlessly. “I hit a pillar.” And then he changed the subject, lol.

BUT!! Blake’s BFF works with Henry as a driver. So when he saw the car this week, Henry had to tell him the same thing. And now that this kid knew The Lie, Henry had to continue weaving the messy web all over the Faygo Factory. And of course, since he works with all Big Manly Men, they are all grilling him with additional questions, such as, “Did you tell the cemetery after it happened? Why not?” and Henry just mumbles,  “Because I’m a dumb ass.”

THIS IS SO STUPID YET HILARIOUS TO ME! I mean, it’s not funny that we now have to wait a full month before the shop (or “fixer people” as I like to call them) can take our car in, and that’s only if they’re able to get the new door by then since the car is a 2021 and apparently parts for brand new cars are hard to get, I am learning so much from Henry’s Big Accident.

Meanwhile at Sheetz on Friday, some man kept bending over to look at snacks and was like thrusting his ass out so far that I had to keep going down other aisles because there was no room to pass him. Apparently, he was stealing beef jerky (according to Henry).

I took this picture of Henry doctoring his Sheetz cold brew because I needed a picture to go along with a caption talking about how, in a moment of frustration from Chooch and I following him around the store, he sighed in exasperation and said, “I love you two to the death, but it’s like you’re attached to me by a rubber band.” LOL it’s so true though. We’re like that old ass Nintendo game, Lemmings. If Henry walked off a cliff, we’d be right behind him.

Well…lol.

On Saturday, my Halloween sampler from WeVegan Eats arrived and everything was DELECTABLE. My favorite was the big ass taro cookie sandwich.

One of these days I will go full vegan. Right now I’m about 70% vegan, 100% vegetarian. But I take the full-blown vegan option anytime I’m out and I haven’t eaten real cheese at home in over a year now at this point. (CHAO is my fave vegan cheese brand, in case you were wondering. It is fucking delicious.)

Saturday night, Henry the Car Wrecker and I went to Crawford School of Terror in Connellsville. I HAVE BEEN HAVING THE BEST TIME HAVING HAUNTED DATE NIGHTS WITH THIS OAF, even when he basically wears the same flannel every single time because it’s essentially his “jacket.” We listened to the Black Queen the whole way there and I felt super content. Like, how have we been  together for 20 years and still actually like each other? BRB I’m crying a little.

Um, I’m going to be RULL BRAZEN here but I think this is the BEST HAUNT I went to this season. I was laughing and screaming my fucking ugly face off all the way through it and even Henry was smiling and admitted that some of the jump scares were effective.

But my favorite part was “Georgie,” the weird swamp-mummy thing that was running around outside the school with some short kid in a large suit and old man mask on. His handler I guess? Henry said that Georgie was actually the name of the weird sock-doll thing that he was carrying around, but a bunch of kids were calling him Georgie and kids know it all, so.

At one point, I turned to Henry with my hands clasped over my chest and he knew exactly what I was going to say: “I think I found my new Vlad.”

For those of you who are lucky enough to not be forced to hang out with me IRL, especially in The Younger Years, here is an excerpt from one of my old-ass haunted house journals where I met Vlad for the first time. OMG in 2003!! I have obsessed over him (and this haunted trail which has long since been defunct) ever since. The things I latch on to, tho.

[Original content edited heavily to achieve brevity]
Friday, October 31, 2003
Igor’s Fright Shack
Accompanied by: Hoover, Corey, Keri and Dean

My company and I walked down a torch-lit trail and were met up with our guide. He was wearing a tattered suit and surgical mask, and was hunched over. He jumped around like a monkey and had a raspy voice. We deduced that this was going to be one of those haunted walks that comes complete with a story. We were supposed to be paying attention but Dean was crying like a kindergartner on his first day of school. That made it a little distracting. On top of that, Keri was singing love songs to her breasts.

Our guide led us into “the hollow” which was some sort of tunnel covered with plastic. Once we got to the end, the lights went off and monsters arose from the sides. It was cool. Dean peed himself. Silly Dean.

After we emerged from “the hollow,” my life changed. Here, we met Vladimir, Igor’s project. Vladimir came running down a hill at us, grunting and moaning. Poor Vlad. He was all kinds of fucked up. But as we all know, based on my current and past boyfriends, looks don’t mean a THANG to me, g.

I fell in <3 with Vladimir at that moment. It was instantaneous. My Vlad made me forget all my troubles and for that brief moment, it was only me and Vladimir, running through a pasture of emeralds and homefries. It made my heart swell.

Everyone else continued walking down the path but they were invisible to me. Vlad was all I could see now. His beautifully marred face, one eyeball hanging out of the socket, twisted mouth. What’s not to love? He continued walking with our group, right next to me. Staring at me with those magical eyes. He stretched out his arm, and I stretched out mine, but he was too far away–I got lost in the shuffle of our group and Vlad retreated.

Hold on a second, my eyes are filling with tears of lost love.

[Blah blah blah – technical haunted house stuff because I’m a loser]

We walked onto a covered bridge which smelled weird. Like coal. There were two coffins and someone climbed out of one, which of course, was expected. But given the atmosphere of Igor’s Fright Shack, it still made me jump.

Once we made it across the bridge, monsters started coming out from everywhere and our guide urged us to hurry into the safe confines of a small building up ahead. Corey was pushing and yelling and telling everyone to hurry up because the monsters were closing in on us. But one of those “monsters” was Vladimir! I tried so hard to stay out there with him, but Corey shoved me through the door and our guide locked it. I could see a glimpse of Vlad’s sweet face through the dirty windows and I almost cried. He’s so misunderstood.

Once our guide had all of us safely inside the room, he ripped off his surgical mask and revealed to us his true identity — he’s Igor! I was aghast! I had no idea; oh betrayal, piercing my heart like a broomstick, broken in half so the sharp shards of wood break off inside of me. Or something.

[And then there was a maze and Keri, being her ego-maniacal self, pushed her way to the front of the pack so she could control things.]

Hurray for Keri getting us out in one piece. We should have a parade in her honor.

When we emerged from the shack we realized we were the last group to go through and all the monsters, along with our guide, were beginning to congregate out front by the bonfire.

I searched the grounds for Vlad so I could give him a parting kiss or perhaps take him back to the shack where he could impregnate me with our tawdry love child. But alas, no Vladimir. I’ll forever love him. Now I know what true love feels like.

Igor’s Fright Shack gets five gigantical thumbs up, and Vladimir gets a whole lot of things that will remain undisclosed. Thank you.

I remember that night like it was yesterday, sulking the entire way home and exhaling loudly to make sure Corey and Henry were aware that my heart was breaking. Henry’s remedy? “I’ll take you to Kmart and we’ll find a mask just like Vladimir’s for you to make out with.”

Guys, this is literally what you’re missing out on when I say things like, “SORRY, THIS IS RESERVED FOR MY HANDWRITTEN, PRIVATE HAUNTED HOUSE REVIEW JOURNAL.” Such literary  treasures, I know.

Well, anyway, that was Friday and Saturday of Halloween Weekend. Not too bad, if you ask me.

You know, I can’t really complain about this year’s HalloCation. I mean, staycations are never really my thing because of course I’d rather be going somewhere, but I think in my old(er) age, I’m finally starting to listen to my mind and allowing myself to slow down a little. I mean, OK, just a tiny bit. I did a shit ton of walking and exercising all week but I ALSO WATCHED TV YOU GUYS! And sometimes I was even sitting down while watching it!

I won’t recap every day because that would be a snooze, but I went to the cemetery 4 of the 5 days so let’s enjoy some FOTOS I took as proof that I was at the cemetery in case my parole officer asked me.

I went to Homewood Cem on Monday and the day was SO BEAUTIFUL! The whole week was originally supposed to be a wash out but it sure did start off nice and October-y. I walked around for a good bit, tried to get the squirrels there to love me by way of the peanuts in my pocket but they sadly do not know who I am, all the while listening to “Clown in the Cornfield” on audio. I saw my first ever black squirrel in Pittsburgh there too! It was so exciting that I was suddenly (kapchuggi) Alice following the white rabbit as I trampled off the path and into the sodden death-grass.

Then I came home and recorded this adorbs interaction with Drew and one of the baby Buddys!!

View this post on Instagram

What a nice day.

Tuesday I think it rained all day and I am not actually sure what I did aside from fuck around with cats and squirrels, read, exercise, and oh look I did what I said I wasn’t going to do and I’m recapping each day STOP THAT ERIN. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT.

Wednesday was nice though! I mean, the weather was cold and gray, but I had lunch with my mom and Corey at First Watch. Corey of course was late and I was starving, but my mom wasn’t looking at the menu at all and acted surprised when the waitress came to take our order even though we had been  there for 10 minutes at least but now Corey didn’t know what he wanted either and I was just like gritting my teeth each time (there were THREE OF THESE TIMES) when the waitress was like OK I WILL COME BACK because I had known what I was ordering an entire day in advance because us vegetarians/dietary snowflakes need to scope and scour online menus immediately after a restaurant is chosen.

This is just how it goes.

So yeah, I knew for hours upon hours that I was going to be jaw-hugging a veggie burger at approx. 1PM on Wednesday October 27th.

The fourth time the waitress came back, I looked at her with pleading eyes and whined, “They’re getting on my nerves!” She laughed and said, “Wow, you’re hungry.”

In the end, my mom also ordered a veggie burger and Corey just got a BLT!!!!!!!!!! ALL THAT MENU ANALYZING!!!!!!!! FOR THAT!!!!!!! A BLT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEAVY PANTING. BREATHE, ERIN. BRING IT DOWN, ERIN.

Seriously though, it was a really nice time and something that we need to do more often. Another thing about OLD(ER) AGE ERIN is that I am panicking about not spending enough time with my family.

I took a stroll around Jefferson Memorial after dropping off my mom. WALKING AFTER A MEAL IS A GOOD DIGESTIVE AID. These are things OLD(ER) PEOPLE need to consider.

We watched Scream that night because somehow I failed Chooch and he made it fifteen years without ever watching it?! I think he spent more time IMDBing the cast though.

“OH THAT’S WHY HE LOOKS FAMILIAR HE WAS SHAGGY!”

That was the first time in YEARS that I watched it in its entirety (usually it’s just on in the background) but wow, it really holds up, Rose McGowan is still a queen and I covet her wardrobe, and Skeet Ulrich still makes me scream SKEET ULRICH.

Hey, you know who else makes me still scream their name ever since the late 90s? SCOTT SPEEDMAN OMG I was so stoked that he was in season three of You. Was he in it enough, though? FUCK NO. I needed more Scott Speedman. I kept screaming into Henry’s face “SCOTT SPEEDMAN BETTER NOT FUCKING DIE!”

I finished that season at some point while I was off last week and I liked it well enough, but it was kind of boring compared to the other two seasons. THE ENDING WAS V. SATISFYING TO ME THOUGH AS SOMEONE WHO HATED A CERTAIN CHARACTER. No spoilers.

Here are a bunch of pictures from my return to Homewood Cemetery which is my favorite cem in the city. Most Pghers will tell you that Allegheny Cem is the best and while I do think that one us special as well, nothing beats Homewood Cem in my PERSONAL AND BEST OPINION. And I saw more black squirrels!!!!

The weather really held off for me on Thursday and I was so happy. Last week actually felt like legit autumn and I was trying to suck it all up because it’s only a matter of time before this mild weather turns into CHANCE OF FLURRIES. Noooo.

Giles has a real nice spot.

I miss taking pictures of Chooch in the cemetery. :(

Here’s a picture of Chooch and Drew later that day.

On my final day of HalloCation, it rained off and on and I was going to just stay home but then it cleared up and I felt inspired to go to a different cemetery after lunch. I had started The House on Needless Street on audio that day and I can only listen to audio books if I’m walking so I felt inspired.

I went to Uniondale, which is another of my old tried and trues, cemetery-edition. This is where we used to have our Xmas picnics before we modified the tradition several years ago, dropping the full picnic for a selection of Chinese and Korean sweet buns from Sumi’s and Pink Box, and then eating them at the nearby Homewood Cemetery. It’s a good tradition, you guys. Now we don’t freeze to death by trying to sit on the cold ass graveyard ground.

So everything was normal and nothing to write home about, until I went to leave. Usually, I would turn to the right and loop around toward the exit/entrance (there’s only one way out of this place) but for SOME REASON, I said out loud, “I will go to the left today.” And then when I came to another point where I could either stay straight or loop around a circle, I chose the circle. It was almost like my car was being guided for me.

I had one last turn to make to put me back on the main path that leads to the exit, and as I made that fateful right turn, I couldn’t see that there was a big stone marker (not a tombstone, but like a pillar) that had started to tip over out of the ground and was jutting out right into the lane. So as I made the right turn, I didn’t swing out far enough and ended up hitting the damn thing with the right side of my car. At first, I couldn’t tell what the fuck happened. The impact was just hard enough that it shook the car and I could see a piece of plastic fly in front of the windshield and land to the left of the car. I got out, shaken not from injuries but from the shock of whatever had just happened and slowly walked around to assess the damage.

Part of the plastic runner at the bottom of the doors had broken – that’s what I saw being flung through the air – and the back door is dented. Not the MOST HORRIBLE scenario, but still not great because NO ONE WANTS TO WRECK THEIR FUCKING CAR. I called Henry immediately and he was like, “OK calm down” which usually would make me snap because OK STRAIGHT WHITE MALE, but in this case I was like, “Yes, please soothe me with your Papa H words.

” Also, I was like, “OMG please tell Chooch that you did this” because Chooch can be so mean and I didn’t want him to make fun of me! I feel like a lot of women would be like OMG MY HUSBAND/ETC IS GOING TO KILL ME but I’m like HENRY WON’T YELL AT ME BUT MY MEAN TEENAGED SON CAN NEVER KNOW THE TRUTH!

When Chooch finally noticed it later that night, I flipped out and was like I DON’T KNOW, YOUR DAD DID IT, DROP IT and Chooch was like, “Oh wow OK because I’m so sure YOU weren’t pissed when you found out he wrecked the car!” We were walking into Sheetz when this convo was happening and I was so grateful that I was wearing my mask so he couldn’t see the expression on my face when I snapped, “IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” and then ran to place my coffee order. LOL. Then Henry came in and Chooch was like WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE CAR and Henry calmly said, “I hit a pillar” and then completely changed the subject before Chooch could ask any follow-up questions, lol.

He’s basically just taking the fall for me in general now, and then frowns at me when no one is looking. Don’t worry, the insurance company knows the truth, LOL.

In my mind though, I want to believe that this happened in order for something worse to NOT happen. Like, what if I had turned right like I normally would and then I hit a squirrel??? I’d rather pay my deductable than commit vehicular homicide against an animal. ANY DAMN DAY.

The one highlight from Friday though was when I went in the background and got one of my main Buddys to come all the way out of a tree and skip around my feet while I handed him a walnut.

“I could have been like that bitch with the gorillas,”  I said to Henry, who just smirked at me while filling out the insurance claim.

Well, that’s all. What a rich vaca. But still, better than work!