I’m bursting with things I want to discuss Re: NCT DREAM IN CHICAGO but I’m in the car on the way home and cannot do so at this time.

So instead I will share Mark’s new solo song, Golden Hour, which came out yesterday and the rest of the Dreamies were cutely helping him promote it on stage.

FUN BACKGROUND INFO about this song first! A few years ago, Mark posted a picture of his failed attempt to make eggs, and an NCT posted this on Twitter:

It’s turned into this big NCT inside joke, and people will hold up signs at NCT concerts that reference it, like, “Mark, I’ll cook eggs for you” etc. (Um can you imagine if Mark and I were roommates?? I started a fire two weeks ago cooking scrambled eggs, and I burnt my oatmeal last week.)

Anyway, all these years later, and Mark basically wrote a song about it and it is MY NEW FAVORITE SONG.

Honestly, Mark Lee should be a worldwide household name at this point. Per Henry, “he definitely has a presence.

” Henry also confirmed that Mark his 7DREAM bias! (He also likes Jisung, that’s his OG bias.)

Hello it’s 8:12am and we’re leaving our dumb hotel in Toledo-ish to start the second leg of our Chicago journey. I’m glad I didn’t live blog last night because it was extremely uneventful unless you consider me having my dinner hopes and dreams dashed twice in a row before finally settling on Sheetz which is what I should have just done when we were still near home but I said NO, MAYBE WE CAN STOP SOMEWHERE BETTER ON THE WAY but then Oath pizza had a confusing menu and a worker who was too busy fucking around with ingredients to pay attention to us and then another rest stop has a Freshens which excited me because I wanted something healthy and was eyeing up the rice bowls but, as if reading my mind, a surly worker emerged from the back and mumbled, “Just so you know, we’re out of rice bowls” extremely eventful.

FUCK YOU.

(Not you!! The food places.)

We’re at Flying Joe. I got a BLUE BIRD latte (white choc/lav) even though I came in here just wanting a regular coffee. Sigh. Henry got a lemoncello cold brew which sounds disgusting.

We’ll see. I liked the woman who waited on us.

I also got a kombucha because my stomach is begging for it.

ok Henry’s has a lemon cold foam on it which is delicious. I didn’t taste it with the coffee itself though. I dunno, it was a fine experience except that one of my fave NCT Dream songs came on RIGHT when we got there and I was sad to get out of the car.

9:56am: just stopped at PETRO in Somewhere, Indiana because I had to pee so bad but first I had to walk past a rack of NOT GUILTY Trump shirts (mmm) and a hunting knife kiosk. Ugh. I hated it there except that Demi Lovato’s “Heart Attack” was playing (love that song) and the bathroom soap smelled nice.

Hi.

Then Henry drove right down the road to Pilot to get gas and I screamed WHY DIDNT WE JUST COME HERE TO BEGIN WITH and he said “I dunno” with a mouthful of pretzels. Ugh.

Lolololol.

12:59am: Dude.

12:34: oh fuck I am fully stuffed you guys. What a great experience!!

Fish sandwich!! I have been craving a good vegan fish sandwich ever since the not-great one we recently got in Pgh. I really do not understand the Pgh vegan scene at all. Every other city we go to has it locked down, but Pghs over there having vegan restaurants that only open when they want and, as Henry pointed out, caters to only one demographic: white hipster assholes. With the exception of Sugar Spell (and Zenith, which is not fully vegan) I have always felt like an interloper at these establishments.

Henry got a po boy but my photo sucks:

Also, their chocolate chip cookies were bus.

12:38pm: Henry just performed a series of weird nose noises and I asked him to please calm down. “CALM DOWN WHAT??? WHAT AM I DOING??” Clueless.

1:24pm: we’re back in the car after doing a WALK ABOUT at some small park near where we ate lunch. I can’t eat and then sit in the car – I need to digest, Fran.

Henry loves when he’s about to take my picture and I say “wait! Should I pose?” and then activate my signature floppy limb stance. (Also, 6.5 hours until NCT Dream!)

There were a lot of different birds at this park because it was surrounding a lake, and it made me miss Chooch because he loves ducks, geese, and seagulls, and this spot had them in abundance.

Chooch, in case you’re wondering, is home with the cats, not even remotely caring that we’re gone.

3:56pm: in case you’re wondering, we checked into our room at the Wyndham for about 90 minutes now. We drove past the Allstate Arena on the way here and NCT Dream was already there and I was SWEATING.

Our hotel is decent. Henry napped off and on the whole time and I did a Grow With Jo workout and watched Friends. Then I got dressed for tonight (a preliminary run) and made Henry take pictures of me which is his favorite thing to do. But now we’re on our way to this vegan Korean restaurant for a light dinner before the show!!

5:01pm: We swung by Amitabul for some vegan Korean fare and lemme tell you something: if I lived in this area, I would be a regular. So peaceful and the food felt fully nourishing!

Spicy kimchi maki roll!

(Wait hold on we’re in the car going back to the hotel now and Henry said I BET THESE TINY HOUSES COST $300,000 AND THEY DONT EVEN HAVE DRIVEWAYS and I said “they’re cute but this area seems congested” and then immediately second-guessed myself because sometimes when I try to say adult things, I’m exposed, but Henry said “that it does” – I constructed an adult statement and it was correct, you guys!)

Back to dinner:

I got the Buddha Bop and it was delectable. I ordered the spiciest version and it was a gochujang explosion of ecstasy in my mouth-space. Ugh I love the taste of gochujang and sesame oil.

Meanwhile:

Chooch would have been THRU THE ROOF if he was here to hear Henry’s wet mastication of his meal with the soundtrack of a monk chanting “Om” on repeat playing from a speaker. It was actually making me twitch a bit.

We both only ate half because we were still full from lunch but now we’ll have food for after the concert at least!

6:01pm: we just came back to the hotel after getting some of the best lattes I’ve had at:

It’s inside a train station. I got an ube latte (hot) and Henry got an iced pistachio donut latte. We are both in agreement (I tried so hard to make agreeance a word) that they are quality.

“It’s because they’re handcuffed,” I said, AN INSIDE JOKE because I saw a sign that said their coffee drinks are hand-crafted and my shit eyes read it as “handcuffed.” Because that makes sense.

Some girl was in the station with her NCT lightstick!!!!

ITS ALMOST TIME so I have to change back into my concert clothes and say BYE.

(Bye!)

Taemin is officially out of the military and I am still processing my emotions lol what is my problem. He did an Instagram live the other day and it was so soothing, like being reunited with a security blanket.

I can’t wait for him to have an official comeback! Did you know that he was named the best dancer in Korea? It’s true. And Ten was #2! I would honestly expand this to the best in the world and this is not even because he’s my ult bias (title shared with G-Dragon, yes it’s officially a tie now) but objectively speaking.

******

I spent all evening watching NCT content on YouTube – NCT127’s drinking vlogs from Columbia (lol) and fan vlogs from NCT Dream’s recent concert in London. I’m not ready for this concert on Friday. I am going to be a big mess! Henry still doesn’t know if he will be buying a ticket for a cheap seat but I really hope that he does so that we can discuss in excruciating depth everything that happens that night!! I was crying on the couch watching some girl’s fan cam so pray for me because I don’t know if I’m strong enough. NCT Dream is my favorite of all the NCT units and I can’t believe they are in America right now as I type this!! Their concert on Newark is probably just wrapping up!

******

On Saturday, Henry asked DID U SEE THIS and practically smashed his phone in my face to show me that the main guy from the coaster group we’re members of posted that they have decided the 2023 season will be the end, etc etc and my stomach sank because HOW WILL THIS AFFECT US, WE HAVE MADE PAYMENTS ON THIS FUCKING SCANDINAVIAN TRIP THAT THEY ARE HOSTING, IS THAT STILL HAPPENING?? We have been (im)patiently waiting for the grand total and finalized itinerary and then this?!

Then it hit me and I roared, “FUCKING APRIL FOOLS.” I hate April 1st so much!! Nothing is funny!

That seriously nearly ruined my whole weekend / life.

#dramzzzz

******

Last night, Henry came home from one of the dumb tool stores and he was QUITE arrogantly holding a bottle of cream soda in his hand. Sensing my judgment, he cockily said, “I was in the mood for a cream soda, so I bought a cream soda.”

And then, “I do what I want,” as he strode past me to continue doing his chores, cream soda in his paw.

Wow. What a cool guy.

******

Chooch started physical therapy today! I have no idea how it went because he doesn’t tell me anything.

******

Ok I’m going to bed now. One more work day to get through, then we’re leaving for Chicago as soon as I log off! TO LIVE BLOG OR NOT TO LIVE BLOG?! Probably “to not” because we’re only driving as far as Toledo tomorrow and my live blogs have been so mid lately. We’ll see what kind of mood HENRY is in I guess.

And I’ll leave you with another magnificent Taemin performance. How is he so perfect??!!

I recently had this urge to dye Easter eggs after realizing that possibly the last time I dyed eggs was when Kara came over with her kids probably back in…2017?? Hold on, let me check the blog archives.

OMG yes, it was 2017, pre-Calvin, I hadn’t even been to Korea yet, and Chooch got impaled by a toothpick! Um, I can’t believe how little Chooch, Harland, and Theo were back then, even neighbor Markey was here?! I must have imbibed lots of soju that night because I have no recollection of him being here.

So, I texted Kara to see if she had any interest. I hadn’t seen her since the PIE PARTY which I’m LOLing at right now because that is also a line from the linked 2017 Easter Egg blog post. Anyway, Kara was on board and I was so happy because I barely got to talk to her at the aforementioned pie party and it was definitely pre-covid before that! I need to do better. I am trying! FRIENDS ARE LIKE SEA MONKEYS AND WILL DIE WITHOUT ATTENTION BUT WILL ALSO DIE IF YOU PUT TOO MUCH POWDERED FOOD IN THEIR WEIRD SPACE-Y AQUARIUM. Remember that, Erin.

Remember that.

I was so excited to have company so I made Henry prepare for us a snack spread of Asian market produce and Korean banchan (he made the lotus root and it was so delicious, I love braised lotus root so much! My friend Jiyong even commented on this photo on Instagram and said it looked great!).

Kara brought wine and Pittsburgh Popcorn Co. peanut butter popcorn! I haven’t had their popcorn since back when I was still working in the office. Actually, I feel like the downtown location may have even closed prior to the pandemic?! To this day, they still have the best cheddar popcorn I’ve ever had in my life – I actually never really liked cheesy popcorn until I had theirs!

Anyway, it was so great to sit back and catch up with Kara while effing around with egg dye! Henry didn’t dye any, but he obediently prepared everything for us and then loomed over us like some fucking Paas warden.

OMG and Mr. Bum Knee sat with us the whole time and EVEN REGALED US WITH SCHOOL STORIES, a lot of them I had never heard before like the time he got in school suspension when he was in 3rd or 4th grade for being overheard calling a kindergarten teacher a predator because she had her students put pins on a street map to show where they live and this was apparently displayed in the hallway?! No one ever told me about this but um, I don’t blame Chooch for thinking that was kind of weird?!

He also started blabbing about colleges he’s interested in which hello, I can barely get any serious info out of him so clearly Kara needs to come over more often so I can know more about my son’s life!

While all of this was going on, I was being SUPER SECRETIVE about my eggs and kept screaming at everyone not to look. Chooch was getting super irritated about this and then when I finally realized my masterpiece ovo-trio, he rolled his eyes and sneered, “First of all, everyone knew what you were doing and second of all, it’s not that great.”

WOWWWWW.

I ran upstairs to get my lightstick to use as a prop and this really sent Chooch.

“SHOULD I ALSO GET SOME OF MY NCT ALBUMS TOO? OK, I WILL HOLD ON!” I yelled without waiting for an answer.

I think Kara was in the middle of offering her condolences to Henry, lol.

I only dyed one other egg after this, lol. Egg dyeing is only fun for me for a few minutes.

That olive-ish one with the blue and pink squiggles is one of Kara’s and I was obsessed with it.

And then this was my happy accident! I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing because I was too busy talking my voice away – literally, by the end of the evening, my voice was half-zapped. I clearly had a lot to say!

One of the highlights I think was when Chooch called me out as a gaslighter and when I said that’s not true, he told Kara, “She even tried to gaslight me about the definition of gaslighting!” He had me in literal tears at one point from laughing so hard – he was on fire! It was definitely Throw Mama Under the Bus night at the Pioneer Avenue Whacky Shack. He’s going to have a lot of childhood stories to tell people when he grows up, I think. Either that or he’s going to be like, “Eh, my childhood wasn’t very memorable,” because I can see him doing that, too, lol.

What a great night, though! I missed Kara tons and drinking wine and dyeing eggs was pretty much the best way to catch up!

A bunch of theme parks had their opening day this weekend, not to mention the unveiling of the new RMC, ArieForce One, at Fun Spot Atlanta, PLUS Chooch’s bum knee keeping us from planning any coaster road trips in the near future – all of which has me floundering in FOMO.

I should stop watching the enthusiasts’ YouTube videos, truly, but I’m a glutton for punishment. So, I spent most of the weekend watching on-ride POVs of ArieForce One, walk-thrus of Hershey Park and Six Flags Great Adventure, and a tour of Australian theme parks on the coaster channel* I hate watch

*(Coaster Studios – I used to really enjoy this channel but then the guy started dating some broad and now she’s riding his coattails over all over the world, and I know that I should celebrate this because the coaster community is such a nerdy sausage party, but she is so fucking annoying / obnoxious / thinks she’s funny but she’s not. So, basically if I started dating one of the most popular coaster snobs on YouTube.)

ANYWAY. I felt inspired to wear one of my coaster shirts on Saturday because this is the closest I’m gonna get to a coaster for the foreseeable future.

Also, I had to laugh because Henry knew that the sweater I was wearing on top is called a shrug – that seems like a piece of info that should have cruised in one ear and out the other, as they say, but I guess some level of his conscious dog-eared this as valuable.

I like this look though because roller coaster t-shirts are generally SO MASCULINE because you know, girls aren’t meant to enjoy air time, etc. I love Lightning Rod SO MUCH (baby’s first RMC) but every shirt I have ever seen for it is so ugly. This was the least testosterone-themed one I could find at Dollywood, but I still don’t like it very much. So at least my afghan-inspired shrug adds some cuteness to it!?

In other weekend news,  it was a good one! Too short, as usual, but I got to hang out with Kara (more on that separately!), start some decent (so far) books, drive Henry and Chooch nuts while feeding the squirrels actual nuts, and we shopped for what is probably the penultimate Easter basket for Chooch. :(

Aw, who am I kidding?! I’ll be That Mom who continues to prepare an Easter basket for my kid when he has his own kids!

Tomorrow starts spring break so of course I’m pouting because last year’s spring break was the most fun, but even if Chooch hadn’t busted his knee, we still weren’t going to be doing anything major this week so I can’t be too whiny. Besides, FRIDAY IS NCT DREAM IN CHICAGO ANYWAY!!! I have spontaneously eye-squirted over this numerous times over the weekend, I’m just so excited!!

ALSO – TAEMIN IS BACK TOMORROW!!!!!!!

I hope anyone reading this had a really great weekend, or at least a neutral one, because sometimes neutral is all we can really ask for.

I feel like there is no chance that Kennywood will ever get an I-box RMC, but….maybe Waldameer?! DEL GROSSO’S?? Lol.

Last Friday, I was in a group chat at work when the oblig “what’s everyone doing this weekend” question came up. I excitedly divulged that I was finally, after like 20 years, meeting a friend that I had made on LiveJournal back in the golden days. I can’t remember exactly how or when Lindsey and I friended each other over there but it was definitely well before Chooch came into existence and also back when I was still in the mix CD game because I’m 99% sure I made her one. #dorkalert!

Neither of us still use LJ, but we have continued our online friendship through Instagram and Twitter, which, you know, say what you want about social media, but it does have some perks!

“Do you know where she lives? Where she works? You should tell your husband where you’re going to be, so he knows,” a concerned new-er coworker said who truly does not know that my lifestyle is based solely on tempting fate and dancing on the edge of sanity. Also, lol my “husband” was the one driving me to get axe-murdered!

Anyway, how this happened was that we have both suggested meeting up here and there over the years but we have never actually solidified it, you know how life goes.

And Lindsey has really been so complimentary about the changes in decor we’ve done around the house, so I always want to be like YOU SHOULD COME OVER but is that weird?! I dunno, I feel like when I was younger I would have asked and not thought twice about it but I’m a little more socially conscious (lol am I though) the older I get so I thought maybe we should have lunch so it doesn’t appear that I am luring her into my psychedelic lair. I DMd her on Instagram and said, “OK we gotta get something scheduled” because it just felt like the time was right! We picked a date (which I then had to switch up on her because the WILL SIGNING thing ended up being redcheduled for the original date we chose, of fucking course it would be!) and then Lindsey provided some restaurant suggestions which I appreciated because I am way out of the loop with the Pgh restaurant scene.

The first place I looked up was 40 North and immediately saw spaetzel on the menu. That was all I needed to see. We agreed on it, made a reservation, and then my “husband” dropped me off with nary a “good luck / be careful / don’t embarrass yourself.” I don’t even think he fully brought the car to a stop, now that I think about it.

OK can I just say that meeting people is so hard for me but I felt so relaxed from beginning to end because Lindsey had such a chill and calming vibe about her! I know we’ve e-known each other for quite some time, but that doesn’t always translate well in real life. But this felt like we had already gotten the first meet-up out of the way and now we were just catching up. So weird how things work out that way sometimes!(Obviously I’m speaking for myself, so I hope Lindsey wasn’t actually physically clawing at her skin, dying for me to STFU and finish my lunch so she could leave!)

Sometimes I forget how nice it is to have a conversation face-to-face with someone!

The food was excellent, my drink was so smoky, gingery, and delicious (the smokiness caught me off guard but hello, it was called Tindersticks so…), and there were no uncomfortable lulls like I experienced the day before at Station 4. I didn’t even realize that we had been there for 2 hours! The only weird thing about the entire lunch was our waiter’s penchant for whispering; I kept trying to read his lips for clues but he had a bushy beard so then I was just guessing what my answers to his whispers should be.

Seriously, I will never stop talking about the LiveJournal days because of moments like this. I hope we do this again before another 20ish years pass by! (Even though she doesn’t like Phil Collins!)

Woo the end of another week! Now for a whiplash weekend and then right back on the hamster wheel.

Well, here are five things.

1. This time next week, I will be crying into my hands and also probably drowning on my tears because I will also be screaming at the same time WHY BECAUSE I WILL BE AT THE NCT DREAM CONCERT, THAT’S WHY. Ugh, I’m so excited for this! This is the Dreamies’ first North American tour and I honestly was starting to think that SM was never going to send them here! The closest they have ever been was in 2019 when they performed at some boy scout event in WEST VIRGINIA?! And guess where I was? IN KOREA.

I got this patch and I have to put it on my jean jacket before I leave for Chicago!!!!! I even set an alert on my phone for Thursday to make sure I don’t forget my Haechan pendant because I forgot it when I went to see NCT127 (Haechan is in both groups in case you’re not fully immersed in this scene and did not know!) last fall!

Kpop brings so much joy to my life. I spend all week being a grown up with a serious job (except for when it’s not serious like when we’re talking about lamb cakes, cults, and DOUG in group chat) so please just step off and let me be a teenager when I’m off the clock. It’s literally my survival mode, lol.

2. Dude, Robert Smith was going OFF on Ticketmaster the week that the Cure tickets went on sale. He was like, “TM, I’M WATCHING YOU” and called them out on every shady fucking thing they did after he explicitly told them how it was going to be. I love him so much for trying. It still wasn’t a perfect system and it was still extremely stressful, but he really really really tried to prevent price gouging  and even forced Ticketmaster to issue partial refunds for some shifty fee that they tried to slide in without him noticing. Or something – I didn’t really understand it and was honestly so tired of Ticketmaster and everything related to it at this point because I had to fight for NCT Dream tickets and Cure tickets within like, 5 days of each other and I was already stressed out about actual Life Things so this just really skyrocketed my blood pressure.

3. Speaking of tickets and stress, Henry officially booked our flights tonight for our upcoming trip in August and I’m excited but also feel sick because we are not rich people and it felt like straight up hemorrhaging money. It’s also making me nervous because the last time we attempted an international trip, the whole world went on lockdown literally two weeks before our departure date. So, while I want to run laps around the house and scream about how I can’t wait, I’m just sitting here with a blanket wrapped around me, thinking about the myriad ways this trip could get canceled. That’s yo’ girl, miss brightside!

4a. A few weeks ago, I saw a “TIP” on YouTube about how TOASTING oatmeal before adding milk/water makes it taste better. I CAN DO THAT, I thought. So I tried it one day, with some cinnamon sprinkled in there too, and I smugly showed Heney when he tentatively entered the kitchen to see what I was doing. “Just be careful, because that can burn really fast, especially with how you like to cook with the highest heat,” Henry warned me and I got SO PISSED, like go sit down, homedad, and let me do my kitchen thang. I watched the YouTube video, I know what I’m doing! Anyway, I had a good streak of success – like 3 or 4 whole times of cooking toasted oatmeal (I’m not really sure I could taste the difference to be honest), but then today, it happened. It finally happened. Henry’s premonition came true and I fucking BURNT my oatmeal. I mean, it was pretty noticeable too, like half of it looked charred. I still added the almond milk and other hot cereal accoutrements, because I didn’t feel like starting over. And let me tell you – toasted? I can’t tell. Burnt? Um, yeah, I could taste the difference, lol. It was so fucking sad. Also, I feel like burnt oatmeal is some sort of very obvious metaphor for my life.

4b. Related: Henry said I should cook only with a wok since I love the highest heat setting.

5. Today, a new RMC (MY FAVE COASTER MANUFACTURER) coaster opened at Fun Spot Atlanta and I am SO PISSED that Chooch had to go and fuck up his knee because next week is spring break and we could have potentially gone there to ride it!!!! Henry pointed out that, no we couldn’t, because we have to go see NCT Dream but HELLO we could have just gone to see them IN ATLANTA. Two birds, etc etc. GOOD JOB, CHOOCH. Anyway, I spent all day watching on ride videos from all the coaster enthusiasts on YouTube and my FOMO is next level.

OK, that’s all I have. I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you (lol, you) about how I finally met one of my most OG LiveJournal friends last Sunday! Also tomorrow, Kara is coming over to dye Easter eggs because we’re children and I haven’t hung out with her fully since waaaay before 2020 – the Pie Party 2022 doesn’t count because I barely got to talk to her so I’m excited for Henry to dump snacks on a plate and be our bitch for the evening like old times!

Every once in a while, I like to step into the skin of someone who enjoys doing good things and sign up for volunteer work using their nicotine-stained fingers. Especially if the work is easy and doesn’t require me to lift giant bags of mulch or stand near a log-splitter while donning zero safety gear.  So last fall when an email was sent out to our office asking for volunteers to help out with a pro bono will drafting event, I was like, “hmm, tell me more.” They needed people to fill three separate roles, one of which only required the volunteer to be able to sign their own name over and over again.

Hello, I LOVE signing my name! If you take me to a restaurant with a paper placemat and crayons, I will write the SHIT out of my name on that thing. If you call me on the phone, you can BE 100% FOR CERTAIN that I am on the other end of the line, scribbling my name over and over again on a scratch pad, receipt, or important Henry documents.

Sadly, it was then rescheduled for a day that I couldn’t do it! (The day after MY CHAINSAW INCIDENT, to be exact. Wow, a blog post that references log splitters and chainsaws, it’s like I’m a wilderness blogger now.) My friends Lauren and Nate had signed up with me but they were still available for the rescheduled date so not only was I working through some chainsaw-induced PTSD at my hair appointment, I was having major signature-scrawling FOMO and was dying to know how it was going for them. But then I found out the following Monday that the rescheduled date was also canceled so I ended up not missing anything after all!

None of that is even important. Sometimes I just get lost in my head and can’t stop typing unnecessary things. This always happened in school too, when I would turn in papers. They’d come back with entire paragraphs marked up in red, like IS THIS REALLY RELEVANT? And you know what TEACHER PERSON, maybe to me it is!!

Words words words words.

Finally, the event was rescheduled again and this time it stuck. One of the people from my firm who helped organize it was even on the news to spread awareness so that made me not only super proud and more stoked to be participating, but it also made me fully understand the event more because we all know that I’m a classic case of email-skimmer.

This organization was started by an attorney post-911 who wanted to be able to help out his local fire department, and it was determined that there was an overwhelming need for estate planning services. So, Wills for Heroes was born and honestly, I’m getting a little emotional just thinking about what a good cause this is, and how much of a burden it must lift for first responders and their families.

I mean, would I have been even happier if this was, I dunno, a Wills for Pets event? Well, sure. Pets over People all day long.

I didn’t consider the fact, when signing up, that an 8am start time meant that I would have to get up at least at 6:30 on a stupid weekend morning, which is, let me reiterate, stupid. Then I was miserable because of that and I got snippy with Henry and peeled out of the driveway at 7:25am like a big bitch baby, and then had to drive IN THE RAIN ON THAT ONE BIG ROAD THROUGH THE DUMB SQUIRREL HILL TUNNELS to the scene of the signings (some fire hall in Penn Hills).

My favorite part was when no one wanted to be the first to get out of their cars, but then Lauren arrived and walked over to my car, so I got out and then one by one, other people followed us to the front door – LOCKED. So, then we all walked in a line to a side door and for some reason, no one tried to open it? We all just stood there assuming it was locked? So then when some guy ON THE INSIDE saw us and opened the door, he asked, “Oh, was it locked?” and everyone said yes but me because DID WE KNOW FOR SURE THAT IT WAS LOCKED? So then it turned into a Thing where we all went up to the banquet room and the organizers were like, “Was the door locked?” and everyone said YES (??) so then it became an issue, and they sent someone down to stand there I guess because it became a concern that the door was locking automatically and again DID ANYONE EVEN CHECK TO SEE IF IT WAS ACTUALLY LOCKED? I think the best thing they could have done was taped a sign on both doors (front and side) with instructions on where to go.

But that’s just me thinking logistically.

Anyway, we were quickly filled in on what to do and then we got to grab treats from the spread of breakfast foods. I chose a blueberry muffin but it for sure had something else in it, pineapples?!, I can’t be sure what it was but it was a really fucking delicious muffin which made it even worse when I later found out that the treats were from Oakmont Bakery, which I BOYCOTT because they are a bunch of gross Trump supporters. I hate when I’m not true to my morals.

Nate and I lost Lauren to another table because each station only needed one notary and two witnesses. Lauren was like, “I do not need ether one of you as a crutch, bye” and this is so true because Lauren can literally talk to anyone in any situation. Meanwhile, Nate and I got a notary from the smaller firm that was co-hosting this event, and while she was very nice, it was also pretty clear that she was not interested in chatting with us all day, but that didn’t stop us from trying! Let’s just say she knows all about my Seoul subway sign that Henry is redoing and then when Nate baited me into telling her about how my house is….different, she laughed and said, “No wonder you have weirdos attracted to your house!” because I had also told her previously that I think my block is built atop of a Native American burial ground since so many fucked up, crazy things happen here, lol.

Wow, I am really telling this story out of order.

Let me back up and tell you that our notary, Sheri, asked very early on if we had a notary at our table and we said no. “You do now!” she said, setting her stuff down and then leaving to mingle with people she knew. While Nate and I were getting a coffee refill, some other lady came and sat down on the other side of the table! The table that was meant for the clients to sit!

“Who is this interloper??” I hissed to Nate, and he was like, “Station 4 IS FULL, GO AWAY.” I mean, he said that to me under his breath, not to her face. So, we went back to our table and she just like, sat there forever and I was starting to panic because we didn’t need her. She even asked if we were both notaries and I said, “No we’re witnesses. This table’s notary is over there,” and pointed over my shoulder but then she kept sitting there.

“I wonder what will happen when a married couple comes over,” the lady said, because there were only 2 chairs on her side of the table AND SHE WAS SITTING IN ONE.

“Yeah, I think the notary is supposed to sit on our side of the table,” I said, and she completely ignored me and said, “I guess I can find an extra chair to drag over.”

Nate and I were side-eyeing each other so hard, like, “How is this going to play out??” I mean, honestly, of course the balance of OUR table would get thrown off. I can never go anywhere and just have things work the way they are supposed to. If I’m involved, it’s like the Universe says, “OK, I see your Awkwardness, and I’ll raise you another Awkwardness plus 2 Self Unawarenesses.”

Is that right? I don’t play Poker.

Long story short, she ended up not taking the hint and stayed there even after our actual notary came back and sat down, but it ended up being amazing because we somehow got on the subject of California – Nate was talking about how he grew up in the city where Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure was based (he couldn’t remember Alex Winter’s name and said, “Help me out here, Erin” so I did) and then our auxiliary notary said she lived in Hollywood for some time in the 80s and 90s and then regaled us with really interesting stories about celebrity run-ins (“And then that one guy from SNL, ugh what is his name, he played that flamboyant character” and no one could  think of it but then five minutes later I blurted out CHRIS KATTAN and the relief I felt was indescribable. “Wow, you must be really good at trivia,” Hollywood said and I twirled my hair, shrugged, and said, “I mean…”) and then after an hour, she said, “You know, I’m going to ask if I can just leave since there’s already enough notaries.”

We did not want her to leave. We needed her. But she left us. And then there were long and great lulls in the conversation from that point on.

We weren’t constantly with clients – there were maybe 3 or 4 appointments happening at once over at the attorney tables, and they took at least 45 minutes, so there was a lot of just sitting around and waiting for the next opportunity to sign our names over and over. (I was so fucking good at it, too. Wait, let me think back — yeah, I was so fucking good.)

Lauren’s table sounded like they were having lively conversations all day long. Sigh.

When I was about to take this picture of Nate, Lauren ran over to get into it too and I yelled (literally, I yelled this and our notary was like, “oh” and nervously laughed), “You’re not Station 4, Lauren!” so Lauren ran back and snatched her table’s sign and I was like, “OK FINE YOU WIN.”

I was lowkey panicked the entire day though because I don’t have a Will. But I’m also not a hero (I know what you’re thinking: But Erin, you escorted that drunk lady to her friends house and you saved that moth on Brookline Blvd that one time!) so I did not qualify for a FREE WILL.

STATION 4!

“And then she said…” OH HO HO HO HO HO.

I blocked out the faces of the clients here because I’m a mature & decent blogger (I know, wtf right??). The rest of us all signed media release forms and technically I could be considered media (in some circles maybe?!) so…

But I really wanted to share this one because it was taken while my table, good ol’ Station 4, was limping through the process for the first time that day. It was…a rough start but WOULD YOU LOOK AT HOW PROFESH I LOOK SHUFFLING THAT PAPER STACK? My second job, after the most important job of autographing/witnessing was stapling all of the important documents and stuffing them into a very SMART blue folder for the clients.

The lawyer who was supervising the process (Molly–I loved her!) said, “you’re doing a great job, my dear” to me MULTIPLE TIMES. I didn’t hear her saying that to Nate, not that this is a competition or anything.

(It is though.)

When our first client sat down at our table, Nate and I exclaimed that he was our first one and he was like “Oh boy” and chuckled, but then a MISTAKE WAS MADE (not our fault) and one of the papers needed to be reprinted so he was like, “Boy. When yinz said this was your first time, I thought you were being sarcastic!” NOPE.

Don’t worry – it all went uphill from there!

Except when the lunch was served, and I realized that there were 4 different varieties of sandwiches, but THEY WERE ALL MEAT. I was pretty sad about this because my 6:30am wake-up call + too much coffee + nerves from talking to people + only having a muffin as prior sustenance was really making me feel jittery and I definitely needed food. I ended up snagging a banana from the table (and honestly, it was one of the most perfect bananas I’ve ever eaten non-sexually) but Nate kept trying to get me to let him eat the meat off a sandwich so I could have the bread but I did not want to CAUSE A SCENE. Sheri said that someone else there was also a vegetarian so that seems like enough people to start a pity party.

Then we spent some downtime trying to help Sheri pick a restaurant for her birthday dinner that night. I wonder where she ended up going….

Finally, around 1:00pm, Molly brought over the last client and both my station and Lauren’s station was open so Molly said, “OK who wants her?” Lauren’s table was like “Us!” but I was like, “No way I can single-handedly do so much better than that” so I waved around like an inflatable tube man in front of a mattress store and fucking HOLLERED, “Ooooh! Us! Pick us! Station 4!!!” and the client (this super cute older woman in a deep purple velour leisure suit) pointed at me and calmly said, “I’ll go there.”

WOOOOO!

Every.

Thing.

Is.

A.

Compe.

Tition.

Well, it turned out there was actually one more client and they ended up going to Lauren’s table because our velour’d cutie was still with us. After our client was all squared away, Molly said we were free to leave, except that we wanted to wait for Lauren so we could all walk together like the clique that we are.

But even after their client was done and gone, Lauren had to go around and say goodbye to the people she knew there from our firm (fun fact: our department is like the black sheep of the firm and even when we were fully in office, we never really had a need to venture off of our floor so face-to-face interactions with other people never occurred often, but Lauren started out in a different department before moving to ours, so she actually had to move around between floors and talk to people Therefore, she knows way more people than Nate and me.

So, Nate and I just stood in the background with our arms crossed, sighing heavily, waiting for Lauren to stop chatting so we could leave.

“I feel like I’m at the store with my mom, and every time I think we’re finally going to leave, she runs into someone else she knows, you know?” Nate said to me, and I agreed but in reality, my mom would be quickly leaving the aisle, covering her face with a copy of the Enquirer, sticking her head in the TV dinner freezer, or ducking behind a bushel of apples anytime she saw someone she knew, so….no, Nate, no I don’t know.

Anyway, I have now been writing this for 4 days, in fits and starts, no proofreading, so I can only imagine how chaotic and janky this reads. But the main takeaway is that I did something good. What a fucking sweetheart.

Just a quick update to say that Chooch had a follow-up appointment this morning with the orthopedic surgeon to go over the results of the MRI in person and also to have his knee forced into a bend which caused his face to turn red and tears spring to his eyes and I am truly sorry that I wasn’t there for this because I would shouted “DONT HURT MY BABY! Let me do it” lol. Just kidding. I would never.

Anyway, the verdict is basically what we already knew–MRI showed a very slight fracture and I guess it was the PCL not the ACL which means nothing to me, and of course the bone bruise that the doctor already told us after the MRI results were sent to him.

Chooch now gets to walk with his brace unlocked, no crutches, and will need to start physical therapy. Overall, the doctor was happy with how the knee has been healing on its own.

When they came back home afterward, the first thing I did was scream SO DO YOU THINK YOU WILL BE OK TO GO TO AMUSEMENT PARKS BY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND and he was like OMG leave me alone.

We let him stay home from school after that because Wednesday are early dismissal days and Henry was like “I do not want to turn around and have to pick you up again” because you know how Henry makes it all about himself. So typical. Trust me, Chooch is fucking weird and NEVER wants to stay home from school. He is like, obsessed with school. Gross.

But meanwhile, my friend Kara, whose son also goes to the same school, texted me and said the news was reporting a large police presence at a nearby catholic school – like REALLY nearby – and then Chooch’s school went on lockdown.

Turns out some piece of shit asshole was making robocalls to schools across the state reporting an active shooter and…why?! Just why. Fuck that asshole.

I’m so glad that it was a hoax but so pissed that our country is this fucked up, like a gigantic video game under a dome. How do you fix something so broken? I’m glad that Chooch was home today but feel so many emotions for all the kids, teachers, and parents who had to suffer for even a SECOND of wondering if they were going to die.

I don’t want to end this on a negative note. Um…everything this week has been either neutral or negative, so here’s Drew! Because pets are always positive.

No wait- pawsitive. I hate myself.

I will be back tomorrow with some weekend recaps though because my weekend was actually really good!

Chooch mentioned last week that he had to write an argument about Commodus or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention, but then he mumbled something about how he had previously only known that Commodus was in “Gladiator” and I snapped to attention. “GLADIATOR? WHY, DO YOU WANT TO WATCH IT?”

“No….I was just saying that I only know Commodus from that—”

“OK but have you ever seen it?!” I cried.

“….no,” he said, backing away from me because I guess MANIACAL MOMMY is not one of my best looks.

I kept pressuring him all week to agree to watch it over the weekend. He was getting REALL PISSED. Like, he was so over it, wished that Commodus had never been born, etc etc.

Finally, I got him to agree to watch it with me Saturday night!

Right off the bat though, when Marcus Aurelius came on screen, I longingly said, “Whenever I think of Marcus Aurelius, I think of my pet orange, also named Marcus Aurelius,” I mused.

“Wow you’re so cool,” Chooch snapped, his standard response. And then, “…pet orange?”

YES, I HAD A PET ORANGE IN HIGH SCHOOL ASK ANYONE. GOD.

Also, I remember thinking “holy shit Russell Crowe kind of looks like my dad???” when this came out. I mentioned that to Chooch thinking he would immediately disagree but instead he said “yeah, I can see it.” WOW. We agreed on a thing.

I literally have not seen it probably since then.

I know I definitely saw it in the theater, because I used to actually be really into C I N E M A. LOL, why did I just get so dramatic. Honestly though, I fucking loved this movie so much when I saw it. (Who would I have seen it with though??

Ex-bf Jeff?? I literally have no idea.)

Did Chooch fucking love it? Eh….I mean….he may have marginally liked it? I didn’t do the cause any favors when I lied right off the bat and told him it was “I dunno, less than 2 hours long” but then at the 2 hour mark, he grabbed the remote to bring up the movie info and hissed, “THIS HAS BEEN ON FOR 2 FUCKING HOURS AND THERE IS STILL NEARLY AN HOUR MORE TO GO, YOU LIED TO ME, WHY IS THIS SO LONG??”

Meanwhile!! Proxomo looked so familiar to me but I couldn’t place it so I had to IMDB it.

“NO FUCKING WAY THAT IS OLIVER REED?!” I screamed. And then, “HE DIED BEFORE THIS MOVIE EVEN CAME OUT?!!?”

Look, I had the Big Hots for Oliver Reed, “Burnt Offerings”-era specifically.

“You thought that guy was hot?!” Chooch scoffed, sounding like he was holding back bits of barf.

“Well, he’s not hot in this movie!” I said defensively, and the pulled up a picture of him from Burnt Offerings and said, “Look how attractive he was here.” Chooch just scowled at me in disbelief. This prompted me to start Googling more pictures of him and I’m sorry, but Oliver Reed was fucking hot.

I guess because we weren’t getting news alerts every time even the most F-list celebrity bites it, I had no idea that he had even died AT ALL. I think I kind of expected to see that he was dead though when I Googled him, but when I saw 1999 and his age was 61?! That was shocking. You guys, he had a heart attack in a pub! That is either the best or worst way to go. Maybe he died drunk and happy!?

Anyway, of course I fucking sobbed at the end of Gladiator and Chooch only half-made fun of me because by that point, he was too busy googling the kid (well, now ‘man’) who played Lucius. “HE IS STILL ACTING,” Chooch announced before realizing the movie was over and he was still in the same room as his parents, so he quickly said, “ew bye” and that was the end of family movie night.

Just a friendly reminder that my prince gets discharged from the military in one week.

God help those around me, for I will be shrieking and sobbing my dumb face off.

I have tried to avoid any Taemin content while he’s been away but I did a mini-binge this morning and I’m finally starting to let myself get stoked! Even Henry will usually put his phone down and watch if Taemin is on TV.

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday!

A few weeks ago, my bro Ryan suggested taking her out to dinner, “or we could just have it in your new game room” he quickly added on, lol. I thought that would be better because it’s more casual and we’d be able to lounge around and chat for as long as we wanted without getting stink eye from the servers, like YOU PAID YOUR BILL, NOW GTFO”.

I immediately also offered to order the cake because I this is the most important task and I take my Bethel Bakery cake-ordering EXTREMELY seriously. Bethel Bakery is the Kelly Family standard, the only bakery that we trust to bake our cakes. Always and forever. So the gospel sayeth.

Since this was Ryan’s idea, I assumed that he had made our mom privy to the details, but I texted him anyway to make sure it wasn’t a surprise because I wanted to ask her what kind of food she wanted, and he was like, “Oh yeah, I mentioned it to her but that was a few week ago” and then  when I texted her a week ago about birthday hang-out food options, she was like, “When is this lol?”

Sigh.

She said pizza was fine so my other brother Corey said he could handle that. I gave Ryan the BEVERAGE task.

Long story short, Corey eventually settled on Jets Pizza (although there was a RANCH SITUATION where they said they were all out of their HOUSEMADE RANCH causing Corey to spiral out so they managed to make some appear for him, I don’t know, I was almost passing out from hunger at that point because I usually eat dinner at 5:30 and it was now 7:30 and excuse me if I wasn’t capable of paying attention to anything other than the sweet stench of Detroit-style cheesy carb slabs) and Ryan picked up two bottles of wine from Sheetz (yessss, Sheetz wine, lol!).

Oh! While we were waiting for Corey to arrive with the pizza, we were all hanging out in the living room and I had one of my beloved RetroWave channels playing on YouTube. Ryan was like, “Dude, I think I listen to this too….” and then I started name-dropping some of the retro wave bands like FM 84 and The Midnight and he was like, “YES, and their songs play with old scenes of 80s movies in the background, right?

” and YES! I was so excited about this, knowing that my brother listens to the same stuff while working. Chooch was groaning bigtime because he hates retro wave.

You guys, it was really nice hanging out in the attic lounge, eating pizza, drinking sweet, cheap wine out of Solo cups, and telling old ass stories of our childhood.

While we were eating the pizza, I kept saying, “But seriously, didn’t some celebrity came to Pittsburgh and then became obsessed with Jets?” and no one believed me. “No, I swear, and the only reason I remember is because it’s someone I hate” (and what I left off was that I also had a Jets-boycott because of this but didn’t want Corey to know because he would panic about bringing Jets pizza into my house but that was literally like a decade ago and I truly don’t care—that much—anymore) until Henry finally googled it and announced, “It was Jay Leno.”

“YES, THAT’S IT!” I said with a snap if only I could actually snap.

“That’s….a really weird person to hate,” Ryan laughed. “Like, who hates Jay Leno?”

UM, THIS GIRL, SINCE THE 90s. And also Conan 4eva..

AND THEN, CAKE.

My mom HATES pictures but I snuck this one and I think she knew it lol.

“I ordered almond cake with raspberry filling,” I said.

“I hope you like that!”

“That’s what my wedding cake was,” my mom said, with no emotion in her voice so I couldn’t really tell if this was good or bad. It turns out it was good in that she likes the flavor combo and perhaps that is the only thing that she ended up liking about her wedding lol. Hashtag Divorce.

My mom was sad because she brought treats for her grandcats but they of course hid in my room the whole time. Drew came out 5 minutes after everyone left and immediately was like, “Cool, give me some of these and thank her me.”

But yeah, it was just really nice that we got together on a day that wasn’t Christmas or whatever! I definitely want to do this more often. Ryan and I used to be so close as kids — well, let’s not go that far, we did fight a lot and there was A TON OF JEALOUSY on my end, but we were horror movie aficionados together, loved TMNT, and had a shit ton of inside jokes back then. Every time we get together as adults, I’m like, WHY DON’T WE DO THIS MORE OFTEN?

Life is so weird.

My stupid phone memories started alerting me yesterday to the fact that it has been 5 years since we went to South Korea and look, I am hyper-aware of the fact that I talk about this like I am the only human being to ever travel to Korea. I get it. It’s annoying. I’m annoying. But I sincerely cannot help it because it was the greatest time of my life!

However, instead of just reposting something like I’m always so eager to do, I thought it would be fun to transcribe my vacation journal from our travel day: destination Seoul. I was re-reading it for the first time earlier today and simultaneously cracking up and seething with anger and secondhand embarrassment over Henry’s constant fuck-ups, lol. I mean, it’s funny now but I was seriously wanting to lock myself in a janitor’s closet and cry my face off that day, he was SO ANNOYING.

OK here we go:

***

3/22/18

SOUTH KOREA

It’s currently 6:04am and we’re sitting at our American Air gate in the pgh airport after Henry committed many blunders, starting with RIGHT AWAY going to a long-term parking lot that he claimed would be “fine” without a reservation but it was FULL. So, no Charlie Brown lot for us which is ironic because it sure felt like a Charlie Brown moment.

We ended up right down the street at the Parking Spot, where Henry failed to take a ticket despite the old man attendant’s many demands of “Please sir, if you’re parking here, you need to take a ticket and the gate will go up,” like Henry is an alien on Earth for the first time. It was so embarrassing! Henry just kept talking to him and asking him dumb questions like it was tea and crumpet time.

Finally, after deeming he now had enough knowledge of the parking lot, he had to GET OUT OF THE CAR to get a ticket since he had driven past it. Such a fucking Griswald.

Then the guy told us to park in aisle “H, as in Henry” and I was like, “That’s his name!” in my head because I knew no one would care.

You would think these instructions would be clear enough but Henry managed to overthink it. “Should I pull in BEFORE the H, or AFTER?”

OMFG.

“Before” – clearly.

Almost immediately, “Paul” came by with the Spotted Shuttle, and our ride in to the airport was short and uneventful.

But then it was check-in time and Henry insisted on doing self-check-in which required the assistance of an airport person TWICE. It was so cringey. And then he couldn’t even put the tag on his luggage! CHOOCH even accomplished this “difficult” task without help!

Oh, I wanted to die.

We only had to wait in security for about 30 minutes and I was like, “I need my boarding pass,” but Henry knows everything and said I didn’t so of course the TSA guy was like &^%$$. It was so stressful. This is why I hate flying.

So we had our 6th fight of the morning but I have coffee now and we ate at Brueggers so that should keep us happy for a second.

I miss Bambi so much ): —-Chooch

Henry is sitting several seats away from us, staring off into the ether. Also, I realized in Brueggers why I hate him today – HE’S NOT WEARING A HAT.

7:05am: Chooch and I just came back from a spirited walk. We pissed around in the kids zone like the children we are.

We came back and Henry was like, “Thank god” but not because he missed us; it was because he had to pee probably because he immediately got up and left. We didn’t watch his seat for him though and some broad immediately took it haha.

Now two old ladies are behind us sharing recipes loudly. “And I put in some mushroom soup and peas…” Henry’s ears are perking up. He can’t us when we’re RIGHT next to him, but he can fucking hear some old bitches one row over yapping about Good Housekeeping recipe hacks.

7:36am: We just boarded and Chooch is acting like he was raised in a mountain somewhere and this is first glimpse of civilization.

There’s an older couple in the seats behind us and the man reminds me of if Jeffrey Tamblin just came out of the woods and he is so mad because the flight attendant told him that his carryon wasn’t going to fit in the overhead compartment the way he had it positioned and his wife is all, “Dear, just put it under the seat like the nice lady said,” and five minutes later he was still bitching about how “it’s just the stupidest thing!” and his wife is all, “What’s so stupid about it? It wouldn’t fit!”

7:55am: About to take off. Couple behind us still talking about The Bag.

8:13am: We just took off and luckily I have the couple behind us distracting me. “Jeffrey” spotted their car in the extended parking lot and now his wife is loudly broadcasting the speed of the plane and the altitude, which is in meters.

“I hate meters,” Jeffrey said with contempt.

8:50am: Henry thinks he’s so cool because he’s watching some dumb Marvel movie. OK Hank.

I just asked Chooch if he wants to read this and he said no. NO?? When I was his age and journaling on vacation, my family begged to read it! BEGGED!

Wife just announced again how fast the plane is going and the altitude.

“We’re going down,” she said casually let loudly because that’s her only volume.

“You should never say ‘we’re going down,” Jeffrey scolded equally as loudly. “It’s ‘descending.'” Yeah, Wife.

Chooch just said, “You have a bald spot,” and I panicked because why? no! But he was talking to Henry, whew.

Now the couple is singing some fucking campfire song about Indiana.

“Chicago doesn’t look that big from up here,” wife just cried.

“It’s not Chicago,” Chooch and I mouthed in tandem.

She did, however, point out that crazy temple we visited last summer so that was cool.

About to land now. 0.0

I’m so glad this couple narrated the entire flight.

One flight down! Or, survived, I should say. I just wiped my clammy palm on Henry and he yelled, “That’s disgusting!” Wow, thanks for being my pillar of strength….and dishtowel.

Chooch is furiously digging through his backpack in search of his applesauce pouches that Henry ALLEGEDLY packed but he can’t find it. I told him to chill out because it’s not that big of a deal and he said, “Applesauce is AMAZING.” Now he and Henry are sniping at each other about it over top of me. IT IS LITERALLY JUST APPLESAUCE.

“It’s not JUST applesauce. It’s CINNAMON applesauce.” – Chooch.

“Abby said the toilet is overfilling. She said that at 6:50am. She said she will Facetime if she can’t figure out the car light. I don’t know how to do that,” Wife just announced behind us.

Please let us off this plane.

(PRESENT DAY ERIN HERE: luckily I still have the pictures of THE COUPLE on my phone, so here they are.)

9:35am: So we got off the plane and everything seemed to be going smoothly which is hilarious because we’re the Kelly/Robbins family. We made it to the shuttle thing that we needed to get to the international terminal and Chooch got on it just as the doors were closing, like just ran ahead of us and leapt through the closing doors and then cruised away without us! It was the scariest thing, like in a movie, watching your child just drift away. I was basically pooping my pants but Henry was laughing?!?! “I’d be worried if we had a dumb kid, but he’s pretty smart, so.” Wow OK. Anyway, there were 2 older guys on the shuttle who held up their hands and mouthed, “Terminal 5” because that’s where they were going too or so we thought. Turns out one of the guys stayed with Chooch on the platform until we got there and then he got back on the shuttle to continue on. How nice of him to get off at Terminal 5 to wait with Chooch! I asked Chooch if they talked and he said not really, lol.

And then things got all frantic again because Henry checked in online but the lady was like THESE DON’T SCAN so we had to go to the Korean Air desk and the whole experience just made me feel like we did something wrong, like she was going to say, “I’m sorry, but we don’t have seats for you, these tickets are invalid.” But everything ended up find and then we made it thru security OK except Chooch had to dig through his bag and take out all of his applesauce. (Yes, he found it, lol.) And fruit snacks! I was like, “I’m not waiting for this, bye” because all of my shit was together!

Now we’re just sitting here charging our phones and Henry got me an iced latte so I feel kind of better but just get me to Korea, honestly.

Chooch and I just pointed out that Henry has stains on his shirt and he defiantly said he doesn’t care then stormed off, maybe to buy a new shirt or set himself on fire.

“They have, um, Flaming Hot….um……I forget now,” Henry said over a mouthful of Flaming Hot Cheetohs. He adds so much to the conversation.

10:45am: Chooch is shaming Henry for eating more than the recommended serving size of Cheetohs. Guess he just wants those dad jeans to have less sag.

Also, still over an hour before we can board. Just sitting here in this boring ass food court trying to stay awake, help.

12:30pm: Had another passport crisis compliments of Henry the Dunce. But now we’re on board and preparing for take off. Chooch got cool kids headphones and Pororo coloring book. Jealous :(

Also, Henry broke his TV remote thing immediately after we got our seats.

2:44pm: Eleven hours to go! We had lunch already. Chooch got a kids meal and I got the veg. option which was some kind of curry thing and it was fine but I wish I had gotten the regular bibimbap because I could have easily just scooped out the meat, ugh. That’s what Henry ended up getting and it smelled DIVINE. I kept fanning the fumes toward my face and he let me squeeze the gochujang on it. UGH. I’m still jealous.

The flight attendants are so pretty and there’s a small kid screaming but it’s not even bothering me because….Korea.

We just got our arrival card and custom declaration. Chooch and I filled our out but Henry waved it off and said, “I have 11 hours.” OK Hank. Let’s see you fuck this up, too!

I have this crippling bathroom phobia & I’m starting to really have to pee but I’m afraid to because what if I can’t get the door open or some other unknown is waiting for me?! I asked Henry to go scope it out but he’s being ridiculous and said there are too many people over there right now. OK tough guy.

5:25PM: guys, I did it! I went to the bathroom. Henry went first and then showed me how to open the door. Also I couldn’t find where to put my paper towel so now it’s wadded-up on my lap. Alsox2, I thought I slept for a long time but it was only an hour.

7:46pm: I started watching the K-drama “This is My Love” and it has so many people in it that I know! I hope that it’s on Drama Fever (Ed.Note: RIP DramaFever) or Netflix so that I can finish it at home. I watched the first two episodes and now I think I honestly need to sleep. 6 more hours, woo! Chooch looked at the map a few minutes ago and we wee only just over Alaska?! How is Alaska that far away?! Geography stumps me every time.

12:23am: Really it’s like 2:23pm I think but my phone hasn’t switched time zones yet. ANyway, every time I started to fall asleep, HENRY would bump me or essentially just encroach on my personal space and then there were times when his headphones were so loud that I could hear it, I just stopped him from incessantly crinkling a plastic wrapper and he snapped, “God, you’re so touchy!” Well, shit, maybe if that motherfucker had let me sleep more than 15 minutes at a time!

Also, I love Korea but Korean Air’s idea of vegetarian meals is something a nursing home would feed a dying diabetic. Henry got cake with his dinner! Vegetarians can eat cake!

We have 1:36hr left on this flight. I have to pee but there’s a line and I don’t stand in no piss line, bitches. So I’m just sitting here stubbornly and making Henry turn around to tell me a line stander update. He’s not taking his job seriously.

Meanwhile, Chooch spilled about 1/4 of a cup of water on his leg and his acting like it’s acid.

7:57pm and we’re in our upgraded Hotel Atrium room because dumbass Henry only booked a room with two twin beds and then tried to argue with the guy at the desk about it. This was after he tried to get off the airport shuttle at the wrong stop and it was nearly an international disaster – the driver was super hyper about Henry’s error and Henry didn’t have the hotel address in Hangul in spite of how many times I told him that it was 100% necessary. An older man actually said, “Aisssssh!!!” (not good when a Korean says this) and started to get up to intervene but the driver was like, “no no no” and made him sit back down.

Our stop was NOWHERE near the one Henry tried to get off at, but luckily the AISSSSSH ahjussi sat behind Henry and told him he was getting off at the same stop and could help us. This was such a blessing because we’d probably still be wandering around helplessly.

***

And now we were officially in Korea! Many more opps for Henry to eff up! Henry’s Eff Opps!

Anyway, I’m tired of transcribing, but just know that we had more hotel mishaps that night but luckily, everything went up from there. I can’t believe it’s been FIVE YEARS.

I have no original titles under my belt these days. Let’s just reminisce about the books my eyeballs drank in last month. If I remember correctly, it was a so-so reading month and some of these books I probably have nothing to say about.

1. Everything I Know About Love – Dolly Alderton

I really loved this a lot. I pictured a British Jane Pratt throughout, it was like rolling around on a mattress papered with Sassy pages. A VIBE. My friend Sadi’s Goodreads review was “a beautiful love letter to female friendship” and I really can’t summarize it any better than that. It was entertaining and also taught me that there is a Windows hotkey that will change CAPSLOCK to lowercase and I was so excited about this that I wrote it down and then tried it at work the next day AND IT WORKED but now I’ve lost it. I cannot tell you how many times in the past I have been tippy-tap-typing away only to look up and realize I had CAPSLOCK on!!

 2. Just the Nicest Couple – Mary Kubica

Uh….I don’t remember reading this lol. I just read the synopsis a bunch of times and these names aren’t ringing any bells and the blurb is so vague. I gave this 4 stars though—but maybe I should knock it down to three since this clearly wasn’t very memorable.

3. Thank You For Listening –  Julia Whelan

Dude, I loved this and gave it five stars. In fact, as soon as I saw the cover again, I spontaneously smiled, bigly. This book was really cook because the author, Julia Whelan, is also one of my favorite audiobook narrators! And this gives some really cool insight into the audiobook narration and voice acting world. At its core, it’s a romance novel (and actually a really one too – I cringed not), but it also covered some serious issues too. The main character was a rising star, born to act, until a horrific accident (the details of which aren’t described until well into the book and it….it was unexpected) leaves her with a disability and essentially ends her acting career. The writing is snappy. The characters are full of life. This book was just so fun to read and yeah, I cried.

4. A Child Alone With Strangers – Philip Fracassi

I really want to find a horror author that I love. Please Lord, help me. This book was FINE. The writing was kind of cheesy (OK, very), it was about 200 pages longer than it should have been, and the characters felt like cardboard cutouts. The story itself was interesting but I wasn’t scared. It relied a lot on body horror and that’s just really not my thing. There was also a whole chapter involving stray dogs that I had to skip. I didn’t HATE it (I gave it 3 stars) but it’s not something I would recommend.

I will say that I only read this because the book of his that I wanted to read was just released last month and I was on the waitlist for it, so I chose this one to tide me over. DID I STILL END UP READING THE OTHER ONE? You’ll have to check back for the March wrap-up to find out, lol.

5. Tell Me I’m Worthless – Alison Rumfitt

NOW THIS WAS A GOOD HORROR BOOK. Shit, this actually chilled me.  I had this on audio and was listening to it in the attic while painting a mural on the closet door and then I would remember that I was in the attic and have to turn it off. It has pretty much every trigger warning imaginable. It has some GRAPHIC scenes. It made me feel uncomfortable, nauseated, disgusted. It was one of the best literary horror novels I have ever read. The most unique take on the haunted house trope. It delivered.

6. Mean Baby – Selma Blair

I like Selma Blair. I still say YOU ROONED IT!! instead of “ruined” because of her character in Kath & Kim, a short-lived sitcom the name of which I couldn’t even remember, but I will NEVER forget “ROONED.” I was obsessed with the old-ass WB show Zoe Duncan Jack and Jane. And obviously Cruel Intentions. But that’s about as far as I dug into her oeuvre. Yet something made me snag the audiobook of this (she narrates it) and now I can officially say that I LOVE Selma Blair and want only the best for her.

Yet somehow my main takeaway from this is that a HAWK ATTACKED HER DOG I HATE HAWKS SO MUCH.

7. Bad Cree – Jessica Johns 

This was terrible 1 star. The writing was so bad. The plot was a mess. The main character was boring AF. I wanted to LOVE this book. I really did. But I wish I could get my time back.

8. Someday, Maybe – Onyi Nwabineli

This, on the other hand, was a joy to read. OK also excruciatingly sad because the WHOLE ENTIRE BOOK is a woman trying to make sense, recover from, process, heal from her husband’s sudden and tragic death. This isn’t a spoiler, it’s literally in the blurb, but he killed himself on NYE and she is the one who found him. I know it sounds like this book probably needs to be soundtracked with a funeral dirge, but there are actually quite a few moments when I laughed out loud. It’s witty, poignant, bitterly sad, and just very memorable. I will definitely be on the lookout for more from this author.

(Also, reading this made me want to hug Henry. ‘Lil bit.)

9. Now Is Not the Time to Panic – Kevin Wilson

I really like Kevin Wilson. I didn’t love this as much as “Nothing to See Here” because the story itself just didn’t captivate me as much, but if you read this, DO NOT SKIP THE AUTHOR’S NOTE. I actually bumped this from a 3.5 to a 4 because of the author’s note.

I’ll just tell you that this about two teenagers in the 90s who become friends one summer and make some random poster, photocopy it a bunch of times, and then tape it around town. I know, what a plot, right? But …yeah, it gets weird, lol.

10. One Italian Summer – Rebecca Serle

I dunno, you guys. I had a hard time with this one. It didn’t really go anywhere? (Well, except to Italy lol.) I couldn’t relate to the main character and the grief she was experiencing because of my own weirdness with my family. The only think it succeeded in doing was putting me on an I WANT TO GO BACK TO ITALY kick. I dunno, it was fine. It would make a good airplane or beach read, I think, but was kind of not great for February at home.

11. No One Gets Out Alive – Adam Neville

Another horror novel over 600 pages! This one was way better than the Philip Fracassi one though. It actually scared me, and the violence was very well-written and so descriptive that I could EASILY picture what was happening even when perhaps I didn’t want to be able to! Again, I don’t think it was necessary for it to be this long! What is up with these giant tomes that horror novelists think that they have to write?

That being said, I need to read more from Adam Neville. I feel like back in 2020, I ordered one of his books from the library and panicked when I saw how large it was and ended up returning it because I didn’t want to have that pressure hanging over me – all of his books are probably chunkers!

***

OK that’s all for February!

Not stoked about starting a brand new workweek, but here we are. Grinnin’ and bearin’ it! SMILE THRU IT. FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT. ETC ETC.

I don’t have anything pressing to discuss on here but sometimes the sound of my fingers tapping the keyboard can be therapeutic to me, like I’m self-soothing. So, let’s pretend like we’re on a hike somewhere beautiful and I’m just yapping away and you’re nodding “mmhhhmmm” to the beat of our boots hitting the ground and probably not really even listening to me but that is OK because I live with Henry, so I am used to not being listened to.

Speaking of hiking, my latest work-related stress dream was that I was on vacation, just coming back from a hike and I guess I had stopped in the restroom of the…resort? I was staying at. I remember being SO SWEATY, my face was all red and disgusting, my eyebrows had dripped off, etc. I did not want to be seen by anyone, probably why I popped into the lobby restroom in the first place. But when I came out of the stall, one of my co-workers who has been…punting a lot of extra work my way lately, was WAITING FOR ME WITH MORE WORK. And she was like pissed off at me for being on vacation!? Also, please note that she was waiting for me INSIDE THE RESTROOM, didn’t even have the decency to wait outside!

I woke up and was SO PISSED OFF. Grrrr. I REALLY GROWLED AS I TYPED THAT!!!!!!

In other news, I am still obsessed with watching all the Ke Huy Quan awards footage. I knew that Everything Everywhere All At Once was getting a lot of attention (and deservedly so, that movie was awesome, the themes were powerful, and I laughed and CRIED so much) but then because all of that Selena/Haley bullshit beef going on a few weeks ago, I started getting all kinds of Selena-related stuff in my YouTube feed, and one of those things was this year’s SAG Awards (she was a presenter, so I guess the algorithm thought I would be interested). I wasn’t paying attention and suddenly, Oh, OK, the SAG Awards is playing in its entirety. And you know, Henry and I sat there and watched the whole fucking thing? And Ke Huy Quan pulled on this bitch’s heartstrings so much that I haven’t been able to stop watching every clip I can find of him during the press circuit for EEAAO and the award season. He is a treasure. I am so happy that he won so many best supporting actor awards for his role in this movie, especially the Oscar!

ONTO THE NEXT TOPIC:

I found a good frame at Goodwill over the weekend for one of my favorite photos that I took last year! This is Chooch on the Magnum XL 200 at Cedar Point from May 2022. I knew I wanted to frame it for the attic and now it’s right where it belongs.

This wrecked copy of Girls Gone Wild has been chilling on a sidewalk in Brookline for at least a week now. Further down is the actual tape, all pulled out from the case.

#SEXYCOEDS #THETHINGSISEEONMYWALKS

Dude you guys. Somehow I got subscribed to the Pgh Reddit feed and I got an alert last Thursday that a vegan food truck was going to be slinging vegan fish sandwiches on Friday. In Lawrenceville. So Henry not only had to go to one of his least favorite areas where a bunch of his least favorite people would be crowding (vegans lol) but he also had to do this IN THE RAIN, LOL.

I was so excited though! My sign-off to group chat at work was, “HENRY WENT TO GET VEGAN FISH SANDWICHES SO NOW I NEED TO STAND AT THE DOOR AND WAIT FOR HIM LIKE HE’S A SAILOR RETURNING FROM THE SEA” and my work friends were like, “omg stop.”

Anyway, I’m sad to report that it was…just OK. Wait, let me explain. It tasted delicious. BUT. It also tasted like something I could have just made at home because it was very clearly just freezer section faux fish filets. Like, we have a bag of them in our freezer right now. And also, I added a slice of vegan cheddar to it so that really upped the taste quotient. The coleslaw was good BUT A VERY PALTRY PORTION.

The upside is that this food truck donates a portion of its proceeds to animal charity AND it’s a pay-what-you-can situation. Henry made the suggested amount because I have taught him over the years to not be a tight wad.

Chooch and his friend signed up for some bake sale a few weeks ago, which meant that Henry got stuck baking cupcakes. It made me laugh because I used to sign up for food fests all the time at work when we worked in the office and Henry would get stuck cooking or baking for that shit too. Anyway, at least Chooch and his friend, an elusive one at that and also the one that I think has been Chooch’s bff since he started high school and they worked together at McDonald’s but Chooch would never let me meet him because he is ashamed of me / scared that his friends will like me more than him because I’m the best and so fucking cool, etc etc.

Yeah, so that kid came over for the first time and was like OOOH LET’S LOOK AT ALL OF THESE PICTURES OF YOU, RILEY! and Chooch was seriously squirming. Then he was annoyed because his friend thought our house was cool and NO TEENAGER IS SUPPOSED TO THINK THIS WAY, OK.

ON THE SCIENCE OF SHOE’ING:

I had to call in Henry the other day for shoe untying assistance.

“I don’t understand how you tie your shoes!” Henry cried, because he’s a little bitch, like just do what you were called in here to do and save the tears for your mommy, you know? Not only that but he was red in the face from the grueling task of navigating the labyrinthine knot I had absentmindedly created with the lace. And I’ll tell you how: I was 100% reading something on phone instead of paying attention to which part of the lace I was tugging, IT HAPPENS OH WELL.

“I guess I just don’t understand how knots work,” I said in my best babydoll voice, shrugging innocently.

Not much else is going on but next weekend is pretty stacked (well, I have one social engagement for all three days, and that is an Erin R. Kelly definition of “stacked” considering I’m essentially a shut-in) so things are starting to pick up now that spring is officially here! My motivation is rising! My desire to leave the house has increased! I have a small block of stress knocked off my shoulders since today was MOVING DAY for the scream queens next door (god help us for what will move in next though)! I want to say things are looking up, but I know better than to tempt fate.

So for now, I will pretend that we have reached the apex of our hike or whatever it was that I told you to imagine we were doing and now we are on our way back down so it’s your turn to tell me things. Go ahead. JK IT’S TIME FOR ME TO LISTEN TO AN AUDIOBOOK LOL LEOS ARE THE WORST.