Here is a handy compartmentalized list of things and thoughts that have happened lately that perhaps I would like to remember. YOU NEVER KNOW.

PARENTING – I’m doing a mediocre job!

• Henry had to go back down to work to have an affair one night last week, leaving me in charge of feeding Chooch. Thankfully, there was Hungry Man in the freezer and that’s what Chooch decided he wanted to eat, so I was like, “Phew! Thank god! Here, you can just go ahead and make it yourself, then.” But then Chooch was like, “‘Remove plastic from sauce.’ Wait—-is this the sauce?” And I was like, “Of course that’s the sauce, you idiot—wait. IS that the sauce?” And from there, it took the two of us, The Dream Team, to squint at the instructions, stab some of the sealed compartments with a knife, peel back the seal of other compartments, straight up REMOVE portions of the tray…it was all so much. So exhausting. We are FUCKED if Henry ever leaves us for his mistress oris murdered when I find out that he has a mistress.
  • Henry came home later, saw the empty box in the garbage, and sadly said, “Hey. That was my Hungry Man.” WELL MAYBE IF HE WOULD STOP IMPREGNATING PET SHOP BROADS, HE WOULDN’T BE SO HUNGRY.
• Saturday night, Chooch and I decided to go see this Austrian horror movie that was playing at the indie theater down the street (“Goodnight Mommy” — it was wonderful and here, you can read Chooch’s thorough review if you would like). I had a slight concern because itwas rated R; my concern wasn’t that it would be inappropriate for Chooch to watch, but more that he wouldn’t be allowed in. “I mean, I guess technically I am his guardian though, right?” I said to Henry, trying to work this out in my mind. “Um, you’re his mother, so….”
  • The movie is in German so it had subtitles. This didn’t faze Chooch a bit — he’s been watching Asian horror for years so subtitles are like whatever for him. I feel like that’s a parenting win, right? Don’t be that person who bitches about having to read a movie.
• Some shady business opened up in our ‘hood where people can go and play video games. I know what you’re thinking, Oh an arcade? WRONG. It’s just an empty storefront full of TVs and gaming consoles. Anyway, some of Chooch’s friends go there after school so Chooch asked if he could go too. This stumped me. “I don’t know…..can you?” I mused, hoping the Universe would send me a sign. Meanwhile, Henry was all, “No! Do your homework!” So it appears the correct answer to that Parenting, Expert Level question was: No.
• We went to lunch on Saturday at the North Hills Grill. Chooch was real surly because he had fallen (or “falled” as I had originally typed) asleep in the car and then we had the audacity to wake his sorry ass up. He was so fucking miserable and said he didn’t want anything so Henry and I said that was fine because we don’t play his games anymore (I mean, I usually get suckered into them if I’m alone, because I’m weakand also I thrive on fighting with my kid, or anyone for that matter). But then he snapped, “FINE I GUESS I’LL HAVE A BURGER” and I was like “IDGAF because this joint had quinoa salad as a side plus mypanini comes with pesto and literally that’s all that matters to meright now. Eat or don’t eat, whatever forever.”
  • And I mentioned that we were going to get him new clothes afterward and he did this thing that I just love, where he throws his arms up and squeals, “SERIOUSLY?!FML” before falling into a slow simmer. (I should mention that this was after he decided to join us; he was originally sitting alone at his own table. Thank god we were the only people there.) It must seriously suck to have parents who feed and clothe you! I would hate my life, too!
    • Parents of children younger than 9 — I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t get better. There will be days when you think it is, but then you’re jerk-kid will do something catastrophic or utterly douchey to remind you that, nope; parenting still fucking sucks. Bring on ze booze.

This is when he decided that FINE, he would come over to the dark side and sit at the same table as his crappy parents.

WORK

• One day last week, Last Mail was making her rounds and Gayle, at the last minute, shouted, “Lisa, wait! I have something I need mailed.” Big deal, right? Except that I was bored as fuck and decided to chastise Gayle via email for speaking too rudely to Last Mail. “She startles easily!” I typed, and Gayle was all, “I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, MASTER, I SWEAR TO YOU, MASTER.” We had a good laugh (eh, not really) and then went about our day. The next afternoon, Amber¹ walked by and said that Gayle was in the kitchen talking to Lisa and—-“Oh shit,” I interrupted, pretty sure I knew where this was going. Amber went on to say that Gayle was APOLOGIZING TO LISA for being “rude” and I was like, “But she wasn’t even rude!” Amber said, “Yeah, I didn’t think she was either, so I’m not sure why she was apologizing…” So I explained to Amber that I jokingly sent Gayle that email the day before but I was totally just kidding. “Oh, well she apologized and I was the witness!” Amber said, and I started cracking up. “I MADE THAT HAPPEN!” I cried. “I totally orchestrated that!” OMG I’M LIKE A LAW FIRM PUPPET MASTER. Hands down the most exciting thing to happen to me at work last week.
• Until Terry came over to invite Glenn to some secret after-hours cook out! Todd kept sending me antagonizing emails, knowing that I was about to upchuck my giggle-lunch all over my lap.
  • Unrelated to this particular episode, I mentioned to Glenn that I thought Terry might hate me ever since The Lunch Invitation was delivered. “Yeah, and I should, too!” Glenn snapped, and then Todd and I died of laughter but then the aliens from MAC and Me came down from 1988 and brought us back to life.
• Some people are really stoked for the pie party, and others are practically sprinting away from me as a try to invite them. FINE! I’LL STOP TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY AT WORK! #boohiss
• It was pretty quiet during  my Friday night late shift so I made some egocentric signage with salt water taffy on the counter behind Todd. I figured for sure I would come to work on Monday to find that Glenn had defaced it, but lo—it was just as I left it! Later in the afternoon, I went back there and dismantled it myself because that way, I wouldn’t have to expend energy hating someone for doing it first. Glenn and Todd were just like, “Wow, such logic.” It’s true though, you know how badly I pout when the tables are turned.

MUSIC

• GUYS. Remember all of those Riot Fest posts I wrote that you probably didn’t read because I’m so fucking annoying? Well, in one of them, I went on at length about how seeing Alexisonfire for the first time ever was the best moment of all three Riotous days for me and subsequently sparked yet another unhealthy music obsession as I realized that something about their set had resonated with me, and even though I was a casual fan back in the day, now I was IN LOVE WITH THEM and about to call the tattoo shop to make an appointment to have their logo tattooed on my head. I got it bad for them, like, weak-in-the-knees, Glasgow-smiling-at-my-desk-for-no-reason bad. Anyway, a week later, at the Toronto Riot Fest, they announced during their set (they were the headliners—they’re Canadian and way bigger there than America) that ALEXISONFIRE IS BACK AND THEY’RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE US AGAIN. I cried so hard. SO HARD! OH, THE JOY! I tried to excitedly talk about it at work and everyone was like, “Why can’t you just watch soap operas instead like other ladies your age?” And then the other day, I was reading my usual music news sites on the trolley and one of the headlines was ALEXISONFIRE CONFIRMS THAT THEY ARE NOT OFFICIALLY BACK TOGETHER. My heart sank! I came into work near-tears (OK, some of the tears were a lot closer than “near”) and Glenn snapped, “You need to stop being so emotionally invested in bands! They don’t give a shit about you!” Wow, harsh. A few minutes went by and I swiveled around in my chair and said, “But seriously, why would they say they were back together if they didn’t mean that they were back together?” Glenn made a noise that sounded like a laugh, but it may have just been his patience whimpering away.
  •  I helped A-ron with a project and his email response to me was Erinisonfire and it was like, the greatest thanks I’ve ever received in my whole life. (I mean….maybe not.)
• You know that hedge fund doucher who jacked up the price of that AIDS drug and then the Internet found out and everyone hates him now? (I excel at layman’s terms.) It was also discovered that he was an investor (like big-time backer) in Geoff Rickly’s record label Collect Records. Geoff, you might know, was the singer of Thursday and they were a massively influential and revered band. I miss them so much and have tried to support Geoff’s other projects whenever I can over the year because I feel like he brings so much to the scene and is just an overall stand-up guy. (Plus, remember when he spit in my face and it was amazing?!) But then this happened and I was like fuuccckkkkkk Geoff how can I keep supporting you now?! Luckily he did the right thing and announced the next day that Collect Records had severed ties with Martin because OBVIOUSLY. The downside to this is that now Geoff’s label is in danger of capsizing and taking down a bunch of really incredible bands with it. If you are reading this and love small businesses who were born of the desire to help nurture and promote the dreams of artists, might you consider going to the label and purchasing a thing? I personally bought the new release from Geoff’s current band No Devotion which you will LOVE if you’re a fan of the Cure, Thursday (duh!), 80s synth, or just good music in general. It is seriously the shit but….Geoff can do no wrong in my eyes.
  • Also? He notoriously has super bad luck. A few days after this happened, he was POISONED and robbed in Hamburg. I mean he’s still alive. But POISONED.

PLANTLIFE

• Guys don’t worry. I’m still obsessively stroking my succulents like some shaky-cam herbiporn. Below, please meet the babe Bambi Sickafoose. I used to see her name in the credits for Twin Peaks and became instantly obsessed. I would shout BAMBISICKAFOOSE and Henry had no idea why. I recently found her on Facebook and got unrealistically excited.

• I just bought this gal over the weekend! Her name is Alexis and Henry said he hopes she catches on fire. :(

• I actually took this picture for Artifex Pereo because the name of their last album is Time and Place and the cover art is a pattern of leaves, so they were wishing everyone  a happy Time and Place day on the first day of fall and it just so happened that we had autumnal cupcakes at work that day with plastic leaf rings topping them! I did t want to eat a cupcake so I told Glenn to go and get me a ring. According to Todd, Glenn was having a hard time trying to guess which one I’d like because there different colors and designs I guess. He came back and threw one at me and started bitching about there being different designs and I was like, “But I thought there were just leaves?” “yea he, but there were MAPLE and OAK and….” Omg so boring.  Then Carrie and Amber² (in a moment of uncharacteristic kindness) gave me theirstoo yay!
  • So I took this picture with my plant-babes in the background, posted it on Instagram, and Artifex Pereo commented with heart eyes. Love those guys!

MISC.

• Man, how about that Pope, huh? I made Henry watch my favorite religious channel,EWTN, so that we could watch PROPER coverage of the Pope’s arrival. And oh, the entertainment! Those newscasters are um, pretty colorful. I was really stoked because there was ample attention given to CardinalWuerl and I’m obsessed with that guy. IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW, he usedto be the Bishop here in Pittsburgh. Back at that time, my friend Brian/Chooch’s godfather, was in the Seminary so he had gotten to know the Bishop pretty well. For a short time, Brian used to live right next door to me, in the housecurrently inhabited by HotNaybor Chris. There was some special mass thing happening at the church across the street, and so the Bishop and Brian were both there. Afterward, Brian invited the Bishop over for tea or whatever you offer the Bishop, and he told me afterward that he was so afraid I was going to stop over because that’s when I was super slutty and smoked a lot of cigarettes. OH HOW EMBARRASSING.
  • No seriously, it probably would have been pretty embarrassing. I was like oneNickelback CD away from being white trash verified back then.
    • (IT WAS JUST A PHASE. There is a fine line between the hard rock scene and white trash. I learned that the hard way.)
    • Now you know how I bagged Henry. LOL.
• After our recent experience withLyft in Chicago, Henry decided it sounded like it could be a good part-time gig, so he applied and then was immediately hired, because #ProfessionalDriverStatus. Anyway, his mentor is some younger guy who apparently has had four accidents in the last year, so this is already off to a great start. I was watching Henry setting up hisLyft driver profile on the app and was trying desperately to help him, but he was basically just leaving the default responses for everything. There was a music question and I wanted him to put post-hardcore, but he left it on “Whatever suits my mood” or somethingequally as boring. Henry could havehad the opportunity to be the most colorfulLyft driver in the Tri-State area, but he blew it. Have fun being boring like everyone else, idiot.
  • Seriously, can you imagine if you were waiting for your Lyft and Henry rolled up? I hope he smiles a little. Otherwise, he just looks like an angry mountain man. But…at least he knows his way around. But there might be an axe in the trunk.
• The Steelers: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
• Seriously Donut Friend? Joyce Lavender? KILLING ME.

• I posted this on Instagram and BARB yelled at me. GO AWAY BARB! No I’m just kidding! BARB DONT GO!

• • Seriously though, he acts shocked every time.
• HAUNTED HOUSES.

OK. I could go on and on but I’m stopping while I’m ahead.

More like Lazy Day Weekend. I don’t know what is wrong with me, other than the hectic pace of summer has finally caught up with me, but I was very sloth-like all weekend. I left the house several times on Saturday and Sunday, but by Monday, I actually felt woozy & light-headed, so I basically slugged around all day and yelled at Henry and Chooch because when I feel this way I get ANGRY. I hate sitting around the house. 

• Saturday, we drove out to South Park to claim a pavilion for the pie party. The one I likebestwas booked already (probably for something dumb too, like some idiot’s 75th birthday party or a PAINT N’ SIP) so we got our trusty stand-by and I’m ok with it because it has a fire pit so maybe we could add mountain pies to the menu?
  • Meanwhile, some creep came in with a giant bag of prescription pills—some bottled, some free-floating around the bag—that he was trying todonate. Chooch and I were like, “The fuck…?” The county clerklady was coming close to arguing with the man, who kept insisting that he heard on the radio that they were accepting donations that day, and she was like, “Well I don’t know what radio station you’re listening to, but…” and then he slipped in a pertinent piece of info about the police department and she was like, “Well, then you need to take these to the police station next door. This is not the police station…?” It was a shit show. When we got back in the car, Chooch and I had a zillion questions about this and Henry had to explain to us that you apparently aren’t supposed to throw out prescription pills?! DID YOU KNOW THAT?! He was droning on and about various scenarios that could arise if you put out your no longer neededVicodin with the weekly trash but I was back to playing my Solitaire game on my phone and Chooch was like, “Mommy, turn up the radio. I can’t hear it over whatever dumb stuff daddy is talking about.””That man’s wife probably died and those were all her pills,” Henry continued even though we were pretty clear that NO1CURR.

• Made Henry buy me a protein bar at some rural-ghetto gas station because I felt like I was going to pass out for no reason.
• Stopped to visit our friend Ricky at Castle Blood. “Mommy wants her present,” Chooch said to Ricky immediately after the hellos were out of the way. I was so mad! I told him not to say that. But it was true, all week I was like, “I WONDER WHAT MY PRESENT IS. IT’S PROBABLY NOT A WHEELCHAIR BECAUSE HE DIDN’T MENTION COMING OUT WITH A TRUCK.” Ricky bought an abandoned funeral parlor in Monessen to turn into the new, forever home for Castle Blood. So he was exploring the attic a few weeks ago and unearthed this beautiful piece of funerary decor, which he and Chris lovingly named Cadillac Jesus, and both agreed that it had my name written all over it:
  
  • Boy, were they ever right! The red lights still work! Ricky said that he thinksitwas used as a decorationforwhenever wakes were held in a person’s house. The carrying case it came in is old as fuck. When Ricky opened ittoreveal Cadillac Jesus, I cried, “Oh my god,it’s beautiful! I hope it’s haunted!”  He also gave me this large crucifix that was also in the attic, because theycan’tutilize religious items in the haunt lest someone gets offended. The crucifix also comes in a carrying case, and it’s lined with a newspaper from…1937 I believe? I’ll havetodouble check when I’m at home. That was just as cool as the crucifix and Cadillac Jesus!
    • I bet Henry was thrilled to have more things to bring into our house that he has little to no interest in! Thanks, Ricky!
• Henry dropped me off to visit Wendy on the waytoChooch’s piano lesson. It was so great to see her and the baby! Motherhood looks good on her :) Also, I managed to mostly not get in the way, and even brought a box of pastries that I made Henry buy earlier that morning.
  • Meanwhile, back at piano lessons, Chooch got a 100% on all 6 songs he’s been working on. I love it when his teacher Cheryl writes “DEFEATED!” next to them, because that’s what Chooch says when he “beats” a song. I guess she realized that speaking to him in video game terms would hold his attention!

• After our first Spirit Halloween stop of the season (we’re late, I know!), we went to Al’s Cone Zone in my old turf (where I was living when I bought The Jacket!) only because I saw on Yelp that in addition to the standard sprinkles and rainbow crunch, they had Mexican fried ice cream topping! Usually I have to stare at and analyze ice cream shop menus in excruciating indecision, but this time I marched my ass right up to the window and ordered a vanilla cone with that Mexican dust on it. It was amaze. I can’t believe all ice cream shops don’t offer this!

• Double-fisting.

• Bought more succulents before going home and then spent the rest of Sunday re-potting some of my plants and being super affectionate with them which always wigs Henry out. The obsession has not waned, you guys. I was going to buy some moreonEtsy, but Henry was like, “Good lord, can you please wait until next week so that we have enough money to eat at Riot Fest this weekend?” Good call, Henry.
  • Below, please meet Johnny Maplebitch, and also gaze admiringly at Suzy Banyon’s new abode. LOVE HER.

• Monday morning, I almost passed out while exercising, so I did fuck all the rest of the day, aside from writing on my blog, petting my plants, yelling at Henry, and watching three movies, ugh. What a wasted day. Did not step outside once. It’s hard being naturally antsy but then having zero energy to get into anything!

A List of All the Idiot Movies I Watched From Friday-Monday Because of Being Ill:

1. Vampire Academy — Henry was so into this one that he irritably shushed Chooch for having the nerve to come into the living room and try to speak.
2. Summer of Blood — part of it, anyway. This movie was too terrible to finish and I hated the main character.
3. Zero Dark Thirty — kept putting this one off but finally sucked it up and watched. So fucking scary and sad.
4. Happy House — I loved this but Henry was like “Ok…”
5. Hausu — Asian horror + a 1970s porn-esque soundtrack = happy Erin.
6. Here Comes the Devil – creepy as fuck Spanish horror. I started watching this alone in broad daylight and was still scared. (No, I wasn’t lounging on my Devil rug, but now I wish I had been.)
7. Dark Skies — kept putting this one off too because I’m not a fan of alien movies, but for Keri Russell, I’ll watch almost anything. It was better than I anticipated, but my expectations were pretty low to begin with.
8. Night Breed — because why not end a listless weekend with a ridiculous Clive Barker movie. Boone is #lifegoals for Henry. Chooch kept looking over his shoulder from the computer and asking, “WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING!?”

Yeah, I’m either anemic or really fucking depressed. I am never able to sit still long enough to watch more than one movie a week! Really though, I think it was good that I slowed down and gave myself a dumb break. Even maniacs need to lay down from time to time, I guess.

Something has been feeling weird to me, different and off, and finally last night I realized that it’s been months (well, maybe just one month) since I’ve regaled this bleak corner of the internet with bullet points. All those thoughts swirling around in my head (even though Glenn likes to remind me daily that it’s empty) need some place to go. So…to the shooting range it is!

• It’s been a few weeks since I bought any new succulents. The pickings have been slim as the summer winds down and some of the last ones I bought have DIED because like I said: LOWE’S ABUSES THEIR SUCCULENTS. I’m going to start buying them online, because this is just bullshit. However, a bunch of my cuttings have sprouted roots and several have the most adorable baby buds, which I am ecstatic about because who knew that I was capable of not only keeping plants alive but also PROPAGATING NEW ONES? I have my babes spread out all over the house, but here’s my main set-up:

• And while we’re on the topic of succulents, you’ll be pleased to know that Ted NUDEgent continues to thrive. It’s hard to believe he was once on his death bed! God, I just love my succulents so much. Ask Henry. He was horrified the other night when I jumped up from the couch, sucked in my breath audibly, and then whipped back the curtain.
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  “WTF?” Henry said, waiting  to see if he should panic too. I grabbed a plant off the windowsill and clutched it to my chest. “Panne! I can’t believe I forgot about him!” I cried, shoving Panne into Henry’s face so he could see that Panne was OK. Henry just scowled. Seriously though, Panne is one of my favorites and I can’t believe I had set him down somewhere I couldn’t easily see him! Anyway, believe is a picture of Ted NUDEgent, looking all green and sexy.

• Wendy (who is currently IN LABOR!) and I were having a serious discussion in her office last week, which resulted in me saying, in all seriousness, “I mean, I’ll do whatever I can to spare someone’s feelings—-” to which Wendy cut me off by laughing laugh, and without mirth. “Seriously? Are you kidding? YOU DO NOT!” And then we both started laughing, because who the hell am I kidding.
• Speaking of Wendy, I can’t believe I forgot to mention this. About a month ago, when I was at dinner with her and Barb, she was giving Barb directions to her upcoming baby shower. “Oh, it’s by that hotel?” Barb asked, and Wendy was like, “Maybe? Sure. Whatever.” Barb went on to say, “You know, the pay-by-the-hour one” and then something about how she spent some time there back in the day, much to Wendy’s horror. “Oh, I used to go to those a lot too,” I said in Barb’s defense. “Like the Moonlite on 51.” Barb said, “That’s the one that sit back off the road a little, right? I’ve been to that one, too.” And while we practically high-fiving each other about this, Wendy blurted, “You two are both whores!” It was awesome. But seriously though, you couldn’t beat the Moonlite. They sold cans of Cherikee Red in the office!

• I refilled my candy urn with some Asian candy treats a few weeks ago and it was surprisingly a big hit. Especially those Choc-Nuts, which start out tasting like a mistake but then suddenly turn delicious. I looked online for Romanian candy to order but I couldn’t really find anything but probably I just got distracted.
• I think Wendy is still in labor.

• Henry and I have watched some good horror movies recently, but the best one in my opinion was the Iranian vampire film A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night. I’m no movie reviewer, but this one made me so excited that I almost dedicated a whole post to it, until I realized that beyond saying, “OMG I LOVED IT!” I wouldn’t really know what else to say. Which is funny considering I can spill out 2,000 words about a new fruit I’ve tried. Anyway, vampire movies are my favorite horror sub-genre (people always think I’m a zombie fan, but only marginally!), but it takes a lot for me to get REALLY excited about one, like “Let The Right One In” (the original). This one had a similar feel — small town, lots of quiet suspense.
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  The music was great, the cinematography, the cast. It was a phenomenal movie.

  • Also, Housebound is hilarious and original. We finally watched It Follows, too, after missing it when it was playing at the Hollywood last spring, and while I liked it, it didn’t really excite me as much as I anticipated. I’m excited for the cooler months because I want to start having people over for horror movie marathons like the old days. WHEN THINGS WERE SO SIMPLE AND WE HAD TO WALK INTO A VIDEO RENTAL STORE TO FIND MOVIES TO WATCH. I really miss those days so much. There was a video shop within walking distance of my house called Incredibly Strange Videos and it was the absolute shit. Bruce, the proprietor, carried everything and he is the one who really got me into foreign horror. I used to walk in and say, “Tell me what to rent” and he would never fail me. Also, he had an interesting collection of student-filmed horror movies, some of which turned out to be incredible and scarier than any of the bullshit Hollywood keeps subjecting us to. STOP REMAKING THINGS. Please.
• Jeannie just came over and said that Wendy is literally the worst for not having the baby yet.

• Remember when we started to clean Chooch’s room, a/k/a Hoarder’s Hostel, last winter? Well, we (Henry) kind of dropped the ball halfway through, but I made him pick it back up a few weeks ago and it looks so much better now.
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  Plus, I found this awesome Polaroid of baby Chooch with one of his many novelty pacifiers, and we managed to hang up most of the art that he’s been collecting, like this cat picture that I bought him two Christmases ago and #COOKIEPIZZA! We still randomly shout about #cookiepizza. Chooch has quite a collection of art for a nine-year-old.

• WENDY HAD THE BABY!!!! What a great day!
• I told Jeannie that the baby is here and she said, “Eh” and shrugged. I’d be worried if her reaction was any more chipper than that! ;)
• And then Todd said that he didn’t realize she was that pregnant. MEN. LOL.
• Hey, speaking of vampires, I went to get ice cream with Chris and Monica last week andwas disappointed that I didn’t wear my best cape to orderBruster’s flavor of the day, and even more disappointed when I realized that Blood Drive Friday was not, in fact, a flavor. I wish I hadmy own ice cream shop. Only a very specific type of person will patronize it, and that’s ok.
  • Meanwhile, Chris and Monica had a huge bag full of extra vegetables from their CSA, which they gifted to me and Henry turned them into a magical soup. Plus! There was a container of HUCKLEBERRIES, which apparently taste like shit on their own. So Henry baked them into a huckleberrybrickle, whatever the fuck abrickle is, and it made me feel all folky, eating a huckleberry thing. Thank you, Chris and Monica!
    • I don’t know what a brickle is because it’s apparently a buckle. Henry made a huckleberry buckle.
      • I don’t know what a buckle is, either. I mean, buckles in the baked goods world.
• I got a Gold Star for Excellence in the field of Excellence a few weeks ago! Sandy and Nate are the best co-workers. I taped it up next to my Citation for Jaywalking. My desk is a rollercoaster of emotions.
• Kara just texted me because Facebook told her that five years ago today, we were all at the spray park when Chooch face-planted into the cement ground and gushed blood EVERYWHERE. I have never seen a place clear out so fast before in my life. I haven’t been back there since.
• This morning on my way to the idiot trolley, I was struck by an overwhelming sense of FALL even though it’s 90 today in Pittsburgh. But more specifically, I felt excited to revive the PIE PARTY! It was on hiatus last year because I was burnt out and didn’t feel like being social. But now I want to get back at it, much to Henry’s chagrin. I’m hoping I can sway him. Pie Party is legend!

Well, I guess Glenn is right after all: my damn head is pretty fucking empty.

With his peeps.

Modeling a t-shirt from Kendahl. It really makes his eyes pop. :)

Reppin’ PVRIS.

• School starts on the 31st. I’m simultaneously thrilled and depressed.
• Henry and I let him start a private FB account so that he can play games (ugh) and also have a way to contact us during the day. I let him add some of his family and some our close friends, and made sure that his settings prevented random strangers from contacting him. Everything was fine but then he figured out that he could add people to a group chat that Henry started for the three of us, so he started adding some of my friends, who in turn were like, “WHY IS MY PHONE BLOWING UP WITH FACEBOOK STICKERS? WHY DON’T YOU TRY PARENTING YOUR KID FOR A CHANGE!?” and I was frantically trying to remove people as he was adding them, WHILE I WAS AT WORK. By the time I got home, I marched over to him and yelled, “I’M DELETING YOUR ACCOUNT, YOU SUCK!” And Henry was all, “Now, now, kids. Let’s try to talk about this” but it was too late because Chooch and I had each other by the neck at this point. So I stormed off because fuck you for meddling, Henry. A little while later, Chooch came into my bedroom and sneered, “You don’t have to worry about me anymore BECAUSE I UNFRIENDED YOU.” Mother. Fucker.
  • His profile picture is Marcy. :(
• Chooch had an altercation with one of our neighbors. I’ve been trying to get him to write about it because it’s awesome. We’ll see.
• All of his neighborhood friends are annoying. I hope that they all stop playing together once school starts. OK MAYBE IT’S JUST THAT I HATE KIDS.

And that’s all I got right now. I need another vacation. Sucks to be me. Too bad, so sad.

It’s Friday and the last week has been an incredible whirlwind. I’m about to chill out with some bullet-points and I sure hope you’ll join me, read-along style. Go ‘head, you go first.

• I don’t know I’m just exceptionally slap-happy these days, but work has been a fucking Laugh In for me lately.
  • First, Gayle emailed me a group picture she found of some of the people in our department before I was working here. Surprisingly, I knew all but two people, so I was pointing at  my computer screen and naming faces while Gayle and Todd stood by and watched. Then Amber^{2ButBackToEatingFor1} walked by and was like, “Oh for Christ’s sake” because she thought I was naming members of the bands I was going to see at Warped Tour. This was hilarious to me. Naming almost everyone, I said, “I just don’t know who that old woman is back there,” and Gayle was like, “Well, that’s Seth, so….” and it made me think of the Jake from State Farm commercial and I’m still laughing about it. LAUGH ALONG WITH ME, WON’T YOU.
  • Second, I noticed that Terry had walked by Glenn’s desk three times the other day and no salutations were exchanged. “Are you and Terry fighting!?” I asked, whirling around in my chair to face Glenn. “What? No. Why?” he asked dryly, yet with a slight tinge of trepidation. I told him that Terry walked by three times and didn’t say hello to him, and Glenn claims that he didn’t notice. I decided to make this a thing, to perpetuate a real life feud between the two of them. Every time Terry would walk by after that, I would get the giggles SO BAD and I even heard Glenn kind of laugh one time. Wednesday was REALLY BAD for my giggle threshold. I was walking down the hall to the kitchen when I came across Terry and his group, preparing to go outside for something or other. On my way back to my desk, I thought to myself, “What if Terry is going to file a PFA against Glenn and wanted his group to go with him for support?” Then I snorted. Then that thing happened where I’m trying so hard not to laugh, that my face is getting warm and my cheeks, taut. I came back to my desk and blurted out to Glenn, “I JUST SAW TERRY HE AND HIS GROUP ARE GOING SOMEWHERE!” And then I started crying because holding back the laughter was that painful. “Where?” Glenn asked, and when I didn’t answer him, he asked again, “Where?” By this time, I was in so much agony from trying to stop laughing, that I had to put my blanket over my head. I was actually squealing. “He went to file a PFA against you,” I whispered after essentially having the wind knocked out of me because WHY AM I SO FUNNY TO MYSELF. “You need serious help,” Glenn mumbled but I don’t know you guys, it seemed like he was SCARED OF THE PFA. Later that day, I ran into one of the ladies from Terry’s group, and she’s kind of like the Erin Kelly on that side, so I quickly filled her in and she was like, “OOOH I LIKE IT. Do you want me to tell the rest of the group?” Of course I was like YES PLZ but so far nothing has happened. Monday is the start of a new week, so I’ll bring in some new pots to stir, don’t worry.
    • Speaking of my blanket, yesterday Ethan was walking past me as I was pulling my blanket up under my chin because it’s so cold in here, always. He stopped to ask if I was cold or just emotionally wrecked, and I proceeded to tell him about how, actually, the day before I was laughing so hard that I had to put the blanket over my head, so I guess a little of both. “Yeah, I heard that and wondered what was going on out there. I couldn’t tell if I was hearing laughing, or Glenn crying.” And Glenn monotoned, “Well, I do weep openly at  my desk everyday.” YEAH BECAUSE HE’S SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE!
• “So whose version do you want first, mine or your son’s?” — how Henry’s mom greeted us after work one day. Trouble in paradise with the neighborhood kids, as usual.
• Grammerly says it’s good to write in bullet points because it makes people feel like they’re reading less, but I feel like that doesn’t apply to my bullet points.
• I finally got a frame the Faces painting I made last year so I happily posted a photo of it on Instagram because I have no life, AND BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT LIKED IT! This matters because he is ONE OF THE FACES! I was all excited about it until people started saying, “I thought he was dead?”

• It’s not that I’m shy so much as just uncomfortable and unwilling to participate in nearly every situation I’m put in. #AKAbitch
• The best part about Chooch fitting into an adult Small now is that we get to share band merch.
• Henry’s mom slept over last night since she was watching Chooch and we didn’t get home from Cleveland until around 1:30am, and then I was on late shift today which meant that I got to spend the morning making her watch Emarosa videos, wooooo Judy loves Emarosa now and hates Jonny Craig!
• Chooch was watching one of those BryanStars videos, you know, the ones he never watches, and Bryan was asking how would you break up with a girl. Chooch shrugged casually and said, “I’d say ‘I’ve had enough of your bullshit.'” and then looked at me with this face that said, “I mean, that’s obvi, right?” I’m raising a real gentleman, ladies!

• I try to check AbsolutePunk at least once a day, and yesterday I was rewarded with THIS, which is crazy because my old friend Alisha and I reconnected two weeks ago and she said that she had been listen to AFS and it made her think of me, so she messaged me on Facebook and BOOM, the power of music.
  • Gah, I missed her so much! She lives in Arkansas now. Boo.
• Anyone feel like going to Cleveland with me on August 12th to see Artifex Pereo? ANYONE? I think I have definitely pushed Henry to his concert-going limit these last few weeks, haha.
• Chooch went on his first date last Sunday. WITH TWINS! Sound scandalous, right?! These girls go to all of his birthday parties and the one like LOVES him and the other wants to KILL him, but their mom saved my number after this last party in May and she randomly texted me to tell me that Olivia said she misses Chooch, so we hooked that shit up. They picked him and he acted like he was in so much pain and being tortured, but the smile on his face didn’t lie.
  • He came home wearing a crown on his head, which he sometimes wears around the house because, ooooh, Olivia gave it to him!

• OK! I’m going to have to ask you not to get too excited about that, but I have been propagating some of my succulents (that means watching instructional YouTube videos and then scattering their leaves around and then staring at them every day until they start to GROW A NEW PLANT) and I didn’t think that I was capable of experiencing success in this industry of plant spawning, but hot damn, a bunch of my damn leaves have sprouting!! The one in the picture is Bae’s offspring and Corey has already claimed it, so…
• I just looked at my Instagram feed and it’s all succulents and bands. So I googled “succulent band” and there actually is a band called The Succulents. They’re from Texas and not my thing at all, but good to know.
• Corey and I are going to Zenith tomorrow and I’m hoping to find a wheelchair that looks like it was stolen from the House of Savoy but costs less than $40. YOU NEVER KNOW.
• We celebrated July birthdays at work the other day, which was how Bridget found out that dumb Glenn and I both have a July birthday. She commented on that as she walked past our desks, something about us being born in the month, and Glenn almost swallowed his tongue in his mad race to blurt out, “She wasn’t born. She was hatched.” NICE ONE, GLENN. “You’re not a LEO, ARE YOU?” I asked him in an accusatory tone, and at first he said he didn’t know because he doesn’t bother with that, which is what he likes to do when he wants the rest of us to feel like basic bitches, but then he finally admitted that no, he’s a Cancer, and I just laughed because of course he’s not awesome enough to share my sign, why did I even feel the need to ask.
• Slaves was apparently kicked off Warped Tour already (after like 2? 3 days?) and I don’t know what happened exactly, but I am definitely gloating.
• Allison’s last day at the law firm is July 31 and I won’t be there that whole week because of vacation and I’m so sad. :( I get way too attached to people, and she is a good people!
• I still have no good guesses on who A is. WHO IS A!? (That’s a Pretty Little Liars reference for all you people too old to watch television programming meant for preteens that endorses statutory relationships.
• Shout out to all of my work friends who have tolerated my hysteria for the last two weeks, beginning with Warped Tour, ending with Emarosa, with a Kurt Travis filling. I can hear myself talking to them, and I know I sound ridiculous and super annoying, BUT I CAN’T STOP BECAUSE LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. (Barb, I bet you don’t miss me shouting in your face about bands and you asking, “Is that the guy from Chiodos?” after every name I mention, and then I’d say, “NO BARB, THAT’S CRAIG OWENS. GOD!” But I sure miss those days. SIGH.)

I’m all out of bullets. EMPTY BARREL. I’ll end with my favorite clip of Battle of the Network Stars. Forever obsessed with Robert Conrad.

I’m not a very patriotic person, so July 4th is just another day to me. Instead of fighting the crowds to ogle fireworks, I’m going to sit on my front porch and watch Brookline pop off. But first! Here’s a collection of bulleted nonsense that my brain has been collecting over the last week.

• Every 4th of July, when I’m flipping thru the channels and inevitably run across “Independence Day”, my crush on Bill Pullman is temporarily revived. I went to see “Casper” twice in the theater because of him for Christ’s sake. While my friend Keri and every other young girl back then was going heart-eyed over Devon Sawa, I was like TAKE ME, BILL PULLMAN. Good lord.
  • I just asked Henry if he thinks anything like that could ever happen one day and he lazily shrugged and murmured, “Who knows. Anything is possible.” YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST, FOLKS. WHO KNOWS ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
  • But for real guys: Bill Pullman, John Cusack, Paul Coffey. Those were my older man crushes of the nineties. (Oh, and also this guy from vacation.)
• I keep trying to watch the first episode of this season’s Hannibal and I CANNOT GET INTO IT. Is this why it was canceled? Does it keep getting worse? I used to love this show!
• You know what show I am  totally into, though? CNN’s “The Seventies.” Absolutely riveting! I have always felt like I was born too late in life. I would have rocked the seventies! The first episode was all about television from the decade, and there was a brief mention of Battle of the Network Stars which made Henry mumble, “Oh no….” because I went through a HEAVY OBSESSION with those specials about 12 years ago when some channel was running a marathon. I even pulled out a blank VHS tape and RECORDED some! I became infatuated with Robert Conrad and saying “What’s all the hullabaloo?” and “It’s the limit!” and had all of these t-shirts that I wanted to make but Henry was like, “This is dumb and I don’t want to help you.”
  • But then a few years later, he helped me make my Asshole Parade shirt, which had his face on it*, so that makes a lot of sense.
    • *Fun fact: my mom actually commented on that blog post and said, “Your [sic] sick.” LOL.
    • I gotta dig that shirt out of the closet….
      • OH SNAP:

• I was lamenting to Henry about how I still only have two wheelchairs in my collection, like that was going to make him run out and rob a haunted asylum. Oh well. Here’s my wheelchair nook (my other wheelchair is in the garage for the time being):

• Last week, we were watching a Glastonbury 2014 broadcast on Palladium; Johnny Marr was one of the performers, which made me ask Henry, “What was that one band I liked pre-Chooch and Johnny Matt produced their one album?” What a shocker, Henry didn’t know. But don’t worry because I worked it out on my own and then I kept playing songs for him on Spotify until he eventually said “YEAH OK I REMEMBER” but I think he just wanted to make me stop thrusting my phone into his ear.
  • The band was Haven, in case you were wondering, and they were pretty good! I think I liked them for at least 6 straight months.

• Today, Chooch conned us into seeing Jurassic World and I realized that we haven’t all seen a movie in the theater together since Thor. THOR! Chooch and I have gone together a few times, I’ve gone with friends or by myself, Chooch has gone with Janna, but today as only the second time in Chooch’s nine years of life that we’ve gone as a family. We are SO UNAMERICAN.
  • I cried through 4 of the 6 previews and then basically the entire movie because my emotions slip right through my grasp like dicks through Astroglided fists.
    • Jurassic World was really good, though! Even though it made me ruin yet another pair of contacts. (Tears + contacts = thumbs down.) I only wanted to see it because of Chris Pratt, though. Obviously.
      • Chris Pratt fan since the “Everwood” days, thanks very much.

• ^^^^In case you were wondering, Henry still sucks at texting.
  • I’m going to name one of my new plants Ljubljan.
    • (Yes, I have new plants!!!!! NINE OF THEM!!!!)
• On our way home from the movie, we were a few blocks away from our house when we drove past what appeared to be the aftermath of some teenager hitting an old lady with his bicycle. My plan was to run back up there after dumb Henry parked the car in our driveway, but then I got distracted by the asshole who was driving ridiculously slow in front of us and when I’m consumed by fury, everything else pretty much goes out the window.
• The other day at work, Gayle was bitching about her hatred for video games. “Do you know the only game that was available when I was a teen?” she asked. “TIDDLYWINKS!” I screamed, but she was already answering her own question. (It was Pong, but I was still too busy cracking up at my answer to hear where she was going with this.)
• YOU GUYS AMBER THE SECOND IS BACK! She returned from maternity leave on Wednesday and I almost cried when I saw her face! Then I made her leave her desk because I had a container of lemon ricotta welcome back cookies for her (I made Henry bake them the night before even though he wanted to go to bed early), and I wanted them to be a surprise.
  • She seemed to go through a gamut of emotions when she returned to her desk. Excitement at seeing cookies, hesitation when she realized they were from me, relief when I told her Henry made them.
  • Then she made Glenn blow up the yoga ball she brought in to use in lieu of a chair and it was the highlight of my whole week! 

•  After overhearing Back-To-Work Amber talk about having a quarter life crisis, I said to Glenn, “Pfft, quarter life. I’m having a WHOLE life crisis.” Glenn made a cabbage-face and mumbled, “Yeah, and it’s spilling over into other people’s lives, too.”
• Speaking of Dumb Glenn, I was eating a Chobani watermelon yogurt on Thursday. Amber¹ stopped by and we were discussing it, because these are the sorts of stimulating conversations we have at The Law Firm, who’s eating what yogurt today, and I told her that it was actually Henry’s yogurt and I took it anyway, and that it was only OK, but the fact that I swiped it from Henry made it taste a little better, I guess. And then Glenn piped up from his desk that he also had eaten that same flavor of yogurt that day and I cried, “SHUT UP, GLENN, NO YOU DIDN’T” but then he pulled the empty container out of his garbage can and UGH you guys, it was true. Glenn and I ate the same yogurt on Thursday and this made me very mad.
  • The only good thing about Thursday was that Glenn made a mistake numbering something and I got to smugly correct it and then belittle him for being stupid.
• My blogging goal for July is to write about/mention cabbage in every post. Because that won’t get old fast.
  • Cabbage is my spirit animal.

• I might not be a beer aficionado, but I am kind of a cider snob. This stuff was OK and I would drink it again, but it didn’t make me want to break out the Thesaurus and write a 10,000 review like MY YELP ENEMY WOULD.

• #spoonselfie
• Man, I gotta make those Robert Conrad shirts for real now.

OK, it’s almost time to spectate the drunks who shamble past my house every weekend. Way better than fireworks!

UPDATE: power’s out in Brookline! Henry thinks someone blew up a transformer whatever that means. So now all the neighbors are outside bitching in the pitch black while fireworks explode all around us and it sounds like a goddamn warzone. Chooch just said, “thank God I finished in the bathroom before the power went out!” Yes, thank god. 

Another EDIT: going on an hour of no power, still sitting outside. Henry just said to Chooch, “fuck, you’re annoying in the light, and even worse in the dark.”

Then I pointed to the sky and yelled, “Ooh is that one of those lanterns?!” Henry, in that cocky tone he adopts when he’s about to school me, started to say, “No!” But then slowly realized it actually was a lantern and muttered, “Yes.”

Hi I’m back! EDIT: Power’s still out, Chooch just told me the names of fingers (“And this is the pointer…”), and Henry smells like toilet water. THIS IS BROOKLINE LIVING, PEOPLE. 

As I’m writing this week’s bullet (AHHHHHHHHH) rodeo, I realized that almost everything is work-related and then that made me sad because when did I stop having a life outside of work, wahhhh. (Considering that last night alone I was invited to two happy hours, both of which I politely declined, I guess you could say that this is no one’s fault but my own, or whatever it is you would say in these situations. What would your grandma say?)

• Gayle was heating up bacon in the office kitchen the other day and I nearly drowned on my own saliva. I’m sure I’ve said this 87 times on here, but bacon is my fucking weakness. It’s like putting a bowl of blood in front of a dieting vampire. BE STRONG, ERIN RACHELLE. Think of PETA!
• I found a picture I took of my grilled cheese, probably at either Frank & Shirley’s or Georgie’s Diner, back in ’96/’97. I guess I have always enjoyed photographing food, you guys, so let’s stop blaming Instagram. And considering that there is a .38 Special cassette on the table, I was probably with Lisa:

• When I got to work today, it sounded like someone behind me was trying to discreetly eat glass. I later learned that it was Todd eating non-shelled peanuts. That made me feel better and less worried about stumbling upon someone’s bleeding mouth.
• Me, just now: “I miss Barb.” Glenn: “You talk to her everyday.” Me: “Yeah, but I miss her BEING HERE.” It’s not really getting any better here, you guys. The newlady doesn’t even mess up the daily Roll Call emails. I MISS THE MESSED-UP ROLL CALL EMAILS!
  • I cut my hair and no one even noticed because Barb isn’t here to tell everyone. I AM PRACTICALLY INVISIBLE NOW!
• When I was on my lunch break the other day, I was sitting on a bench thing in some courtyard place when some man in a dirty white t-shirt and CAMOUFLAGE PLANTS approached me WITH HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET and he asked me WHERE THE POST OFFICE IS. I went into survival mode and by that I mean I clenched my thighs together to keep the fear-induced pee drops from leaking out. I did not know the answer to his question and feared that this would anger him, but luckily the woman sitting next to me pointed him in the right direction, which happened to be in the building directly across from us, so as he walked away, I took that as my cue to leave because I was so sure he was about to go postal, literally. As I walked away, I noticed him, standing just inside the revolving doors, shooting up the place swiveling his head around in search of where to go next to shoot up the place.
  • I was practically pushing people out of my way on my run back to work. I didn’t hear anything about a post office tragedy later, so maybe he forgot to bring his bullets. (AHHHHHH.)
  • CAMOUFLAGE PANTS THO!
• Hey speaking of shooting up the place, last Friday, since I was working late shift and had some time to kill in the morning, I decided to walk to the CVS up the street from my house so that I could finally get new candy for my empty candy urn and get A-ron off my back about it. Chooch wanted to go too and Henry’s mom Judy imparted some ominous warning upon us about the road being blocked. We were like, “OK Judy whatever you say Judy sure Judy” and started walking. Right away, I noticed that a tree-cutting truck was blocking part of the sidewalk a block away. “Oh no, how will we ever get to CVS” I said sarcastically to Chooch, as we crossed the street for an unobstructed path. A police car sped past and I did the fist-shake at him because THERE ARE KIDS AROUND, ASSHOLE! But then as we approached the slight crest in the road, I noticed that beyond the tree cutting truck were more police cars, some of them parked horizontally, blocking traffic. “YOU CAN’T COME OVER HERE!” an angry city cop barked from the other side of the street. He was standing there, talking to some broad, as others milled about and stared at one of the houses. I immediately became huffy because I hate being told what to do — ESPECIALLY BY AUTHORITY. So, in my best Spoiled White Girl tone, I yelled back, “JESUS CHRIST. WELL, CAN WE CROSS OVER AND GO THAT WAY THEN!?” and I pointed across the street to where he was standing. He nodded and made a rushed “come on” motion with his hand. So Chooch and I crossed the street and as soon as we turned left on the sidewalk, Angry Cop bellowed, “MA’AM I SAID YOU CAN’T COME THIS WAY!” I lost my fucking shit and screamed, “NO, ACTUALLY YOU DIDN’T!” and I then spun around dramatically and started marching away. “OMG mommy,” Chooch mumbled, scared that I was going to be the next senseless victim of an overzealous cop. Another (calmer) cop strode past us, having just arrived at the scene. “We just don’t want you to get hurt,” Good Cop said in an attempt to massage my Rage Muscles. “I’M JUST TRYING TO GO TO CVS TO BUY MOTHERFUCKING CANDY!” I cried in the hysterical tone I tend to adopt when my plans deviate even a little. I was actually shaking at this point, but Chooch and I continued on our way to CVS, having to take a huge detours through side streets.
  • When we came home, I angrily shouted a play-by-play of the events to Judy. When I finished, she waited a beat and then asked, “Why can’t your co-workers buy their own candy?”
    • I have to do SOMETHINGto be less invisible, OK Judy!? Even if it means using candy to make people visit my desk.
      • Did A-ron honestly just stroll over here and start talking shit on my caramel apple Werthers? YES, YES HE DID.
  • Turns out it was the SWAT team, responding to a call about a suicide attempt. “Way to walk into a SWAT situation,” Amber Returning-To-Work-Next-Wednesday texted me later that day.
    • It’s just like me to make someone else’s suicide attempt ALL ABOUT MYSELF.
    • I guess Bad Cop really was just trying to make sure we didn’t get hurt—by an errant bullet. (AHHHHHH!!)
  • In hindsight, I’m kind of embarrassed. Marginally.
• Ted NUDE-gent is dying and I don’t know what to do! (Except for whining to Henry about it every day and making him add more pebbles to the bottom of Ted’snudey mugand also drilling more drainage holes into it because if I re-pot him all together thenhewon’t be TED NUDE-GENT ANYMORE WILL HE!?
  • On Monday, Gayle asked me if I bought any more plants over the weekend and I cried, “NO BECAUSE TED NUDE-GENT IS DYING” and she was like, “Oh, alright.”
  • I just learned that the human Ted Nugent has his own line of bullets. (AHHHHHHH!)
• One of our co-workers is visiting from Australia and brought a bunch of Cadbury Vegemite bars. I had Vegemite once when I was in Canberra 15 years ago, and I can still vividly recall the sewage flavor; my tongue recoils just at the memory alone. Sandy, knowing it was going to taste like shit, was the first to try a piece. “It tastes like chocolate-covered garbage,” was her official review. Just walking by where the opened package was sitting, Vegemite and caramel oozing together in a pool of sticky smut, the odor alone fisted my gag reflex. Nopenope nope. As an experiment, I took two small pieces home for Henry and Chooch, not telling them anything other than, “Here. Chocolate.”
  • Henry: “What? This tastes like regular chocolate. WHY? WHAT DID YOU DO TO IT!?” #garbagepalate
  • Chooch: *Spit it out into the sink after .005 seconds* That’s my boy!
• WARPED TOUR!! ELEVEN DAYS!! “I just thought about Warped Tour and I got roller coaster stomach,” I said all dreamily to Glenn the other day and he responded with his knee-jerk mumble of “ohmygod.” Chooch is really stoked for it this year too, more so than he has been in the past, and he even made a list of bands he wants to see which made my heart melt:

• On Wednesday, I was chomping at the bit for Amber¹ to get here, but she was working late shift that day. “I want to talk to her about Pretty Little Liars! I don’t have anyone to talk to about it!” I cried to Glenn. “There’s a reason for that,” he muttered.
• Glenn and I started to have a normal conversation the other day about old TV shows. Turns out, we both used to enjoy the Robert Urich-fronted television masterpiece known as Vega$. But then I told him about the time in high school when FX was having a marathon and I decided to have an open-to-the-public viewing party (unbeknownst to my parents, neither of whom were home that day), for which I hung balloons and signs advertising said party at the end of my street. “No one came, though!” I told Glenn sadly. “Wow. So basically, you’ve always been strange,” he muttered. Way to ruin a nice conversation!
• Pretty sure I know which merch booth Chooch is going to rush to at Warped Tour:

• Speaking of Amber¹, I was in the kitchen yesterday just in time to overhear a conversation she was having with my nemesis in the travel department about the cars that they drive. “Do you have a ‘Twins’ decal on the back of your car?” Travel Lady asked Amber, who said yes, and it turns out that Amber apparently flipped her off on the road the other day and Travel Lady was calling her out on it, IN FRONT OF THE DIRECTOR OF OUR DEPARTMENT who just happened to also be in the kitchen. OMG it was hilarious (for everyone but Amber)! Amber’s face was so red and she kept apologizing, but Travel Lady was just laughing about it. I don’t thin she really cared about it at all, but Amber was humiliated and felt terrible. After Travel Lady walked away, Amber said to me, “Well, she pulled out in front of me and then drove really slow! And she was on her phone!” Hey, that seems like a valid reason to me to give the middle finger some exercise. Amber continued to stress over this for the rest of the afternoon and then Todd and I tried to get her to send Travel Lady an Edible Arrangement. The general consensus was that she should have just said it must have been her twin.
• So, Alex Lyman from Slaves (a/k/a Jonny Craig’s Band of Douchebags) was allegedly stabbed for “wearing skinny jeans”. Am I just as much of a douchebag as the rest of them for reading this “news” and immediately wondering what exactly he did to provoke this, if he even was stabbed at all? That guy is just such scum. And I’m tired of Alternative Press being the equivalent of TMZ anymore. Like OMG did Ronnie Radke rape someone? How about stop even giving that piece of shit publicity. God, there is so much good music out there but you’d never know it if you relied solely on Alt Press, and it breaks my heart to even write those words because that magazine used to be a monthly Bible for me. Not no mo’.
• Here is one of my favorite places downtown to walk:

• Please stop calling blueberries “bluebs.” They’re offended. And you sound like an asshole.
  • Just kidding. I don’t give a fuuuuuuck what you call those blueturds.
• One of my favorite things that happened at work this week was that we had a project to work on and I was the only one who did it all perfectly! Everyone hated me that day. Some even more than usual.
  • I was rewarded by having to fix all the wrongly-done ones.
  • But I got to spend all day reminding Glenn that I’m perfect, so….it all balances out.
• Last Saturday, I discovered that I have a pretty powerful right hook, which I discovered when I jokingly went to punch Henry, but over-swung and jabbed myself in the jaw with my phone. It still hurts. :(
• Chooch heard Mazzy Star for the first time last weekend and became inexplicably repulsed.
• Allison just came over to see if any of us had been outside recently because she wants to know what the weather is like, so I made Glenn look on his weather thing, and this lead to him advising us that one of the escaped convicts in New York was apprehended and shot dead — WITH BULLETS. (AHHHHHH!)
  • I did not know that there were any escaped convicts until just now because I deleted my CNN app after determining that it was making my life more depressing. So now I pretty much don’t know anything that’s going on unless I accidentally see it smashed in between cat memes and Magic Bullet (AHHHHHHHH) recipes on Facebook.

I don’t think I have anything else to say. Maybe, instead of politely declining, I’ll finally attend one of the tea parties my imaginary friends are always inviting me to and then I can pretend this is Yelp and write a review of whatever steampunk tea factory we wind up at. If you promise to come back, I’ll save you an absinthe scone. You might have to pick out the watch gears and antique bullets (AHHHHHH) though.

It’s Thursday motherhummers! I don’t know what that means other than I’m stuffing my e-BB gun with random words and firing it off into the world wide web. Or, you know, here are some bullet points:

•  I mentioned the other day that I had a story about the whitetrashtastic lady in line at the Sleeping With Sirens show on Saturday, but I didn’t want to sully that particular post with the sordid details. Here’s why: Somehow, the topic of Walmart arose, I think the teenagers in front of her were talking about People of Walmart or something, and she took that as her cue to be a buttinsky*. “You know what my son does?” her gravelly words busted the kids’ faces with the essence of nicotine and IC Light. “He takes a bunch of dollar bills, right? And goes into the bathroom at Walmart, takes a shit and then wipes his ass with the bills. Then he goes back out into the store and throws all of the dollar bills up in the air and watches as people scramble for them. Then they has’ta peel the bills apart on account of ’em being stuck together with shit!” And then, while her small audience stood there with varying expressions of shock and disgust, her hysterical cackle faded into a coughing fit. “What did she say?” Chooch hissed to me. I just kept shaking my head and saying, “Nothing. Nope. Not a thing.” Like, if I found out my kid was doing literal shit like that, I would NOT be broadcasting it with a bunch of strangers, like he’s some fucking war hero.
  • *Motherhummers and buttinsky in the same post, I think I woke up in a G-rated movie.
  • I never want to touch another dollar bill ever again. DEBIT CARD FOREVER.
• In case you were wondering, the answer is YES I’m still obsessed with succulents. In fact, I have a bunch more that I need to introduce to everyone but every time I sit down to do it, I feel inspired to scour the internet for more succulents! Yesterday, when it was time for my lunch break, I stood up and announced to Glenn and Todd, “I’m going to make some coffee and then when I come back, I’m going to write in my blog about my plants.” There were responses were a mod podge of “how exciting”s and “wow, I can’t wait”s.
  • Janna came over Monday night because we were going to see a movie but first I had to take her on a tour of all of my downstairs windowsills in order to introduce her to all of my babes. She did a good job pretending to be interested! Probably swigged some ‘tussin before she came over.
• Speaking of movies and Janna, I went to see the Kurt Cobain docu-drama Soaked In Bleach at the Hollywood Theater, which is an independent movie theater a few blocks away from my house IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T GOOGLE STREET VIEWED MY ADDRESS in a while. Originally, there was only going to be one viewing of this film and it was last Thursday but I was working late shift. I was sad. But then Courtney Love’s attorney started sending cease and desist to the handful of theaters around the country who had the balls to show it and I guess some of the theaters actually backed down. But not my Hollywood Theater! They answered by offering three more viewings!
  • Janna was excited because the concession stand had cans of Surge. She ordered one and then had the nerve to ask for a cup of ice to go with it. It’s no Robitussin, but it’ll do, she said.
• 
• Oh right, so the movie! It was interesting. A lot of the information I already knew from the Kurt & Courtney documentary that came out in the late 90s, but this was one was still interesting because the whole film was from the POV of the private investigator that Courtney hired to “find Kurt” several days before his death. He had grown immediately suspicious of Courtney and began recording all of his conversations with her, and many of those were played throughout the film. I will say this: If you walked into that theater adamantly believing that Kurt Cobain shot himself, you would probably find yourself leaving with A LOT to think about. I was already part of the Murder Camp before seeing this and it just solidified a lot of my doubts about the case, and also made me really sad. I was 14 when all of this happened, and it was definitely one of those “Where Were You When…” situations for me. I’ll never forget hearing the news on MTV. I wasn’t a rabid Nirvana fan, but I liked them and Kurt was already such an icon back then, that it was surreal, so hard to believe that he was gone, just like that. And it makes you wonder what could have been….where would Nirvana be now if 4/8/1994 hadn’t happened? Would they still be active, making relevant music, or would they be washed-up? It drives me mad when I get sucked into these what-if whirlpools.
  • Chooch and I have been doing this thing where I pick an old(er) band and teach him about them, because I think it’s important to have a good musical foundation. He doesn’t have to like it, but he should still know about bands like FOR INSTANCE OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD: the Beatles and Joy Division, et al. A few weeks ago, I was teaching him about Tool and A Perfect Circle, and he said, “Ooooh, I know this song! It was on when Daddy was taking me to get a Skylander last week” and Henry just groaned, “He is so much like you.” Because I associate music with every little seemingly insignificant event in my life! So my point to this ramble is that seeing Soaked in Bleach inspired me to talk to Chooch about the whole Thing. I told him that the first CD I ever bought was Nevermind, after I got a stereo with a real life CD player on it in middle school. Chooch was like, “Seriously, you remember what your first CD was?” and kind of rolled his eyes like he doubted me, to which I cried, “Of course I do! Why wouldn’t I?! Music is LIFE!” He already knows of Nirvana, but not the Kurt and Courtney stuff, so we stayed up late last night and watched Nirvana videos on YouTube while I explained the whole story and then he was like, “Put on one of her videos” so we watched the video for “Doll Parts” together and Chooch decided two things:
    • “She sounds like Nickelback.”
    • “It sounds to me like she was mad. She wasn’t getting enough attention and was mad because Kurt was better than her.”  A+++
• My Marcy tattoo has healed so beautifully and I could just cry!
•  
• I had a work dream the other night (who am I kidding: most of my dreams are about work; that might be a problem) where A-ron decided that he was going to start wearing suits to work. But he wanted crazy suits, so who did he come to? Me. “I want to be like the Don Cherry of [name of our dept],” he explained, and I was like, “K…but I’ve never made a suit before.” He was all, “It’ll be fine, be creative!” and when he walked away, Amber (Please Hurry Back From Maternity Leave)² turned around and said, “Don’t do it. This will ruin your work friendship!” But I liked the challenge of making him crazy suits so I ignored Amber’s advice and got down to drawing and gluing things on two blank suits. One was a Pizza in Space theme and the other was this completely in-your-face shimmery, Liberace-Goes-to-a-Cookout suit in patriotic hues with hot dogs floating all over. I guess I was in a food-mood before I went to bed, who knows. Anyway, I was pretty proud of them but A-ron was irritated that I wasn’t working faster and that I had only completed two suits by this point, when I knew that he had a music video to film (????). I yelled, “I’VE NEVER MADE AN EFFING SUIT BEFORE, A-RON! MAYBE ASK GAYLE* NEXT TIME!” because she knows sew-y things, and he was just a jerk to me about it! And then he filmed his stupid music video, which was literally just him walking around in a circle while a generic beat played and a bunch of people from our department stood around cheering him on and I was like “FOR WHAT?!” Meanwhile, Todd was pissed because all he wanted to do was get into the refrigerator but all of A-ron’s suit-groupies were blocking the way. And I was supposed to get credit for making those dumb suits, A-ron promised me a shout out in the credits of his music video, but THERE WAS NOTHING. So the first time I saw him at work the next day, I had a terrible flashback and blurted out, “OMG I’m so mad at you!”
  • A-ron told me today that he heard Pizza Hut is coming out with hotdog-stuffed crust pizza. GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, PIZZA HUT.
  • I’m sorry, but those suits were fucking spectacular.
  • *Gayle knows how to do sew-y activities.
  • Speaking of Amber (Please Hurry Back From Maternity Leave)² she came in to visit last week with her baby and I didn’t even hide from her like I normally do when people bring babies into work! It was nice seeing her and her little baby boy AND I WANTED HER TO STAY FOR THE REST OF THE DAY AND WORK.
• I’M GOING TO A LAVENDER FESTIVAL ON SATURDAY! (You know, if it’s not storming all day.) Thanks to my friend Kara for the heads up — she’s always looking out for my interests! I can’t wait to choke on lavender-flavored foods.
• But seriously, since we were chatting briefly up there about A Perfect Circle, how great was this song? I used to obsess over the extra “ooh” at 2:54 and Henry would cry exasperatedly, “Yes, I heard it! God!” I love when songs have that split second moment that throttle my heart.

• We were at Lowe’s on Saturday buying succulents (duh) when I grabbed a bottle of flavored sparkling water by the register. “You don’t like that,” Henry said. This made me angry. Don’t tell me what I don’t like! I insisted that I did in fact like sparkling water, and then Chooch wanted a bottle too and Henry was like, “OK but you assholes aren’t going to like it.” Chooch took one swig in the parking lot and acted like he had imbibed straight battery acid. “THIS IS AWFUL!” he cried,  thrusting the bottle at me. I took a sip from my own bottle and Henry was waiting for me to gag and pantomime my own death, but I gave him no reaction. Then I proceeded to spend the next two days slowly finishing my bottle AND Chooch’s bottle because I am just that stubborn.
  • I eventually admitted that I didn’t like it though and Henry was like, “No shit.”
• Me: “do you think your job will ever give you a heart attack?” Henry: “No, that’d be you.” Walked right into that one.
• I changed my relationship status to “In an Open Relationship” on Facebook and HENRY’S ROOMMATE FROM THE SERVICE commented on it and said “Henry just buy the girl a ring already. You can have a long engagement.” Henry was like OMG PLZ DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HIM DON’T TALK TO MY FRIENDS!!!! The fear in his eyes was real. That was the closest any of his Friends From Another Life have come to interacting with me!

Ugh, I know I had so much more to tell you, Blog. Oh well. Bad day.

Friends, what we have here is a collection of photos & words from the last week(s) that have been accumulating on my phone and in my head. Let’s address them, shall we?

•  Stella & Dot Thing

I had a super spur of the moment Stella and Dot party for Wendy. My house isn’t air-conditioned and it’s practically summer, so I kept the guest list to a minimum and all snacks provided were store bought. TOTALLY UNLIKE ME. But Henry was like, “I am not slaving away in the hot kitchen, also you spent all of our money last night on your tattoo.” So we had birthday cake frosting Chips Ahoy, cherries, some type of Target scones that were better than the Chips Ahoys, chips, and Bagel Bites which JANNA kept calling PIZZA ROLLS even though there is a HUGE DIFFERENCE, so then Barb was calling them pizza rolls too because she is easily influenced and I was getting so mad, which made MONICA purposely call them pizza rolls because she loves to antagonize me! And Barb spilled her drink within 60 seconds of being in my house! What a Janna-move! And Chooch stole Chris almost immediately because he freaking claims her every time she and Monica come over and I have to fight the urge to cry, “She was my friend first!” But then I usually do end up crying about it. And then I tried to record Janna telling Wendy the story about how she became addicted to ‘Tussin, but she totally flipped out probably because it was time for another slurp and she was getting agitated.

•  Glenn’s New Nickname
  

Flockin Nockin for short, yo.

He called me simple AND slow this week. 

• See Also: Erin&Corey-ish

Finally, a way for the rest of the world to describe my brother and me!

• AMISH PEOPLE MOVIES

For some reason, our TV was like, stuck on the Up channel for days, and I had never heard of this channel before, but it all started with ironically watching 7th Heaven reruns while Henry was making dinner, and letting out dramatic OH NO!s and other such concerned interjections, and then I found myself watching that other 19 kids show, the ones that seem slightly less creepy than the Duggars, and all the while I kept seeing previews for some made-for-TV-movie called Love Finds You In Charm, which was clearly a spin-off of Love Finds You In Sugarcreek. Throw in some Jesus-y commercials, and I eventually realized I was watching some type of Christian person television channel. However, that didn’t stop me from, again, “ironically” watching Love Finds You In Charm, which quickly turned into me getting sucked in and crying, and Henry saying goodnight.  Basically, an Amish bitch chooses the right one, and not the creepy Englisher (THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL US!) who initially wooed her with his pompous talk of The Big City.

Amish people are amazing. I wish I had had an Amish baby. Thanks a lot, Chooch. Way to be born a fucking Englisher.

• ME N BAE

I like calling Henry “bae” because it is annoying as fuck and while I do most things in life with unabashed mediocrity, I am world-class at annoying the fuck out of one Henry Robbins. (And probably a small village full of other people too.) Except now I have a succulent named Bae too. OH WELL, THE MORE BAES THE BAE-IER.

• PGH SERIAL KILLER

One day last week I was carousing around town on my break and I could sense this man keeping pace behind me and naturally I was convinced he was a serial killer and I made Henry stay on the phone with me because I was in a sparsely populated area and totally freaking out and Henry was like “He is not going to kill you. Probably.” And then he wound up STANDING NEXT TO ME while we waited for the crosswalk light thingie to come on and I was trying to take his picture while keeping Henry on the phone and I could hear Henry saying, “Hello? Hello? What are you doing?” So then I let him pass me because I couldn’t take the anxiety of having him behind me anymore and then I was just like FUCK IT and went back to work because I was so stressed out and Glenn and Todd were like, “Why are you back so soon?” except that they really didn’t say that because they never notice when I’m there or not but don’t worry I told them anyway and then I showed them the picture and Todd was like, “That just looks like a man going to get some coffee.”  SO DID TED BUNDY.

• GAVE ALL THE VAMPIRES BACK TO GOD

Cold was my fucking jam for many years in my early 20s and I have been revisiting them a lot lately. So let’s end this shit show with one of my favorite Cold tracks, Sick of Man. Don’t keep your feelings hidden like a psycho, guys.

What’s a week without a blog post full of bulleted bullshit? Bulletproof, I guess. OH!

Behold, a list of things that don’t matter, but will they still be there if you don’t read them? DEEP THOUGHTS.

• This is a story about cherry cider, which will be relevant to those people who like cider and/or have eyeballs that like to look at letters no matter what words they fashion. On Memorial Day,Janna, Henry, Chooch and I went to Living Treasures in Donegal (THAT WILL BE ITS OWN POST, FEAR NOT FANS OF AMATEUR ANIMAL PICS). Once we hit a certain point, we began seeing handmade signs along the road boasting your typical indie fruit stand wares, like LOPES! and PEACHES! but then we saw one that said HOMEMADE CHERRY CIDER!Janna and I, in tandem, enthusiastically read the sign out loud in case Henry missed it, so that now he would know without us actually coming out and saying these exact words that we wanted to stop and get us some jugs of this sweet elixir. “On the way back,” he mumbled. And he actually remembered!
  • The fruit stand broad was not very personable. Perhaps because it was a beautiful day and she was stuck sitting alone on the side of some shitty road, staring at baskets of peaches that her dad probably made her pick the day before instead of going to the alley behind the soda shop to have sex with Billy. Henry and Janna quickly handed over their respective $7 and we rejoined Chooch, whom we left in the running car because he’s 9 now so who cares. “You took a picture of her, didn’t you?” Henry asked me when we pulled out onto the road. “What? No. Why?” I stuttered. “Because you should have seen the nasty look she gave you.” Technically, I took a picture of her…peaches. That made me hope that the cider was awful so that I could go on the dumb roadside fruit stand Facebook page and leave a scathing review.
  • But it was delightful.Goddammit!
    • Although Chooch’s review was a  shrug coupled with, “Eh. It’s kind of strong.”

• My group at work had a “global” meeting the other night with our Australian counterparts (we have a sister department in the Melbourne officein case you care), so our manager thought it would be fun for everyone to go around and say a fun fact about themselves, since we don’t really know much about the Australian team. When it was my turn, I totally panicked and blurted out, “I like clowns.” Which, OK, that’s a fact. But not a really fun one. And then immediately afterward I had major fun fact regret and why didn’t I tell them about the time I went to their dumb country to see The Cure? Why am I so stupid?! I had a fun fact that was actually relevant to them and I BLEW IT.
  • I thought for sure Glenn’s fun fact was going to be about bee keeping, but no. It was just that he has two old kids and one baby and then everyone APPLAUDED. WHY?! He doesn’t deserve applause. He deserves to be gonged. (You know, LIKE THE GONG SHOW.)
• Henry took me to work today. When we were walking to the front door, I noticed a pencil on the floor so I kicked it under the coffee table. “Why wouldn’t you just pick it up?” he asked. “Why should I?” the 13-year-old in me spit out. “Why should I,” he repeated, and shook his head.
  • The pencil is still under the table. AND THAT’S WHERE IT WILL STAY.
    • Until Chooch picks it up. It’s HIS pencil.

• ^^^^Kurt Travis, you guys. Heart eyes for days.
• Chooch had his spring concert last night at school (he’s in the chorus) and it was OK. I mean, of course it was great seeing my kid on stage, go kid,rah rah, but other than that, it was pretty boring. Henry’s mom came with us and she seemed to really enjoy it because she didn’t get the memo about it being uncool to enjoy these things. This is all neither here nor there. I’m only mentioning it because afterward, we were strolling around the school looking at student art and eating cookies (that’s all I cared about), when some tinybroad shouldered past us and gave Chooch A Look that I know quite well because it’s the same look I give people to this day when I want them to think that I hate them but I secretlylovethemsomuch/amstalkingthem. Anyway, it turns out it was some girl inChooch’s class that he used to love but now he’s paying attention to a different girl and can’t understand why first girl “hates” him. Oh Chooch. SO MUCH TO LEARN.
  • Henry still has to deal with this, but he’s on the scorned woman side of things.
  • Hot Naybor Chris was there! I took a picture of the back of his head and posted it on Facebook (Henry won’t let me post it anywhere else because Henry is the one with A Brain), and my friends Matt and Alyson were very excited about this, because they were the only two people who used to read my fake Henry diary on LiveJournal (mehoover) back in the day. Alyson hashtagged it #ABMHNC as a sarcastic nod to how A Beautiful Mess tacks ABM onto the front of like 78 different hashtags, like #ABMlifeisbeautiful #ABMcolorfulanalbeads and on and on. #HNC will be one of the few things I’ll miss if we ever move. He is awesome.
  • Speaking of #HNC, I told you guys a few mths ago that he has been gifting Henry with loaves of bread. Today, Henry’s mom was here and he gave her bread too! According to Henry, it was OLIVE LOAF. I started DRYHEAVING and Henry said in its defense, “hey, it’s hipster artisan bread! It’s baked with Wigle Whiskey.” <–suuuuuper trendy local whiskey company. 
• I use the various desks/cubes I’ve had in the last 5 years at The Law Firm to help me remember certain timelines. For instance: my Ernie’s Esquire obsession happened back when I sat where Icurrently sit for the first time, because I can picture myself talking to Barb about it and seeing her head from that vantage point, which is how I know it was 2012.
  • The whole point of this is to tell you that I am re-obsessed with Ernie’s Esquire for no reason and I googled it last night when I couldn’t sleep and saw that Ernie himselfwas interviewed in 2013 but I didn’t know that since I hadn’t researched since 2012. Anyway, you guys will never believe this: there was an auction there LAST WEEKEND. All of these old chairs and artwork from the 70s that I could have bid on and then lost, and I would have known if I had only re-obsessed over this a week earlier, UGH.
    • Ernie’s Esquire was A SUPPER CLUB that I had never heard of until, obviously, 2012, but all of the locations are closed now and Henry said that it was one of those “special occasion” places, but that it was pretty sordid behind-the-scenes and the picture I have painted in my head makes it look like the Playboy Mansion circa 1968. There are barely any pictures of this place online so I started asking old people questions about it and all people will say is, “Yeah…I ate there once or twice” but then NOTHING MORE. No details! It’s like Ernie’s is a set from a bad sci-fi flick where everyone has their memories (and palates) zapped clean upon leaving.  I find this very disturbing and I want more information so if you have any, spill.
• I started compiling a list of all the trouble my blog has gotten me into over the years and then I had to stop because…wow. It’s usually because I post a picture of an innocent stranger and then make wild accusations that they go to the alley behind the soda shop to have sex with Billy.
• When I was walking around on my break yesterday, I stumbled upon a flock of Hope Mennonites standing on a corner and singing church songs. YOU GUYS. I sincerely love these sorts of things (I mean, you obviously know all about my Amish obsession). There is just something exciting about side-stepping homeless people and junkies and then walking straight into Heaven’s gate, you know? I love the juxtaposition of “pure” religious sects (no, fingers—not “sext”; nice try) with the filthy urban Pittsburgh landscape. I didn’t want to blatantly Instavid them, so I went the creepy covert route and pretended to casually stroll by but I probably looked like T-Rex what with the way I was holding my phone into my body and stomping past suspiciously. In addition to the gaggle of singing Mennonites, pairs of them were strewn about the city, handing out Jesus literature and FREE CDs. All of these people were like NO! as they walked past, but when it was my turn I was like YES I WANT THAT STUFF. As soon as Henry picked me up from work, I slid the CD in and it played for about 5 minutes until I realized the entire thing was just some male voice narrating a fake Bible story about DIRK whoever the fuck DIRK is. Just kidding – #Dirk4L (Barb, that means DIRK 4 LYFE, or DIRK FOR LIFE.)

• I was recounting my Mennonite run-in to Henry and told him that one of the women was holding a BAG FROM CVS! “Well, they’re allowed to BUY things, Erin!” he cried all defensively so now I’m wondering if he dated a Mennonite run-away when he was living in BUNKER HILL during his SERVICE YEARS.

• You know at least 8 of those chaste, bonneted girls I saw yesterday have a future going to the alley behind the soda shop to have sex with Billy.
•  Glenn was talking about how hermit crabs are worthless so I told him that I once had two hermit crabs, Dijon and Tabasco. “I was going through an intense condiment phase,” I explained, and Glenn was like, “Wow. I can honestly say that’s something I’ve never heard before….and probably never will again.”
• Yesterday’s top search on my blog: “vanilla ice creammidgets on trampolines with aklondike bar shove it up your dickhole.” I think Henry has something like that on VHS from his SERVICE days…
  • That search was probably performed by one of those little Hope Mennonite boys, sneaking off to a filthy INTERNET CAFE.

Ummmm….I think that’s all for now. I feel so relieved to have gotten all of this off my stupid chest.

Some things were did recently. Did you did things too? Maybe someday we can did things together.

• It pains me to do this but I havetostart off by saying something….ni—-*gag*—-ce…about Henry. One day last week, I posted a blue corn waffle recipe to his Facebook timeline and in that sweet,adorableCAPSLOCK way of mine told him that this is what I would be having for breakfast on Sunday. The finishing touch of the waffle was a dollop of lavender cream and fresh blueberries. I am a raging slut for lavender-infused foodstuffs so this waffle was The One. Anyway, Henry didn’t even have any jerky comebacks about my request (like addressing the fact that I never actually said he had to make it, just that “I will be having this”)! So yes, Henry diligently went through the motions of looking at and comprehending a recipe and then stirring things, etc. Just typing that out made me feel so bored. Thank god eating the fuck out of that waffle was NOT boring. There were TWO differences in Henry’s version: he allegedly “couldn’t find” blue corn meal so he used regular-colored corn meal, and he did not garnish my plate with a beautiful flower like the picture called for in the cooking website I sent him. Boo hiss, Henry.
  • Oh! And what tied this whole splendid breakfast adventure together was a drizzle of pure maple syrup that my old boss gave Amber and me after she heard we won the waffle makers! Her friends live on a maple farm or something and make real maple syrup. When she brought it over to us, Glenn kept asking her all of these questions like, “But WHAT KIND of maple tree?” and Todd and I were like, “STFU Glenn, SRSLY.” Turns out, Glenn is really into “trees.” He didn’t even try to deny it. “Remember when Cheryl gave me those clown paintings and you got really excited about the FRAMES?!” I scream-laughed at him. He got this creepy far away look in his eyes, remembering those frames, and said, “Yeah…”

• Chooch got a rash over the weekend, which he originally thought was poison ivy. It was on the back of his shoulder so he asked me to take a picture so he could see it. He started flipping out because it was all red and kind of glistening, since Henry had just rubbed SALVE on it. I was like, “Look at it, all shiny and glistening like a Christmas ham” and he was like “THAT’S DISGUSTING STOP” so then when he asked me what was going to happen to him, I naturally told him that he was going to have to go to the hospital so that they could remove it from his body with a surgical tool similar to a cheese slicer, and by this point he was CRYING which was when I tried to take the above picture but he swiped at itandall of these words was just to tell you, “This is why this picture is blurry.”
  • It was not poison ivy. Neighbor Kid Marky threw a handful of grass at Chooch and Chooch is remarkably allergic to cut grass.
  • This is seriously up there in my Top 5 Favorite Perks of Parenting: fucking with my kid.
• It is a rare treat to find Henry’s phone attended, like a mermaid idling upon the couch cushion. This happened not once but TWICE in less than a week. The first time, ChoochwentontoHenry’sInstagram and made him follow theentireKardashian clanandthen I was like, “Oooh!Oooh! And Miley Cyrus!” andthen we were going to post a picture ofabutt on his behalf, but we couldn’t figure out to save photos on Henry’s lame non-iPhone and by that time, he figured out was going on and snatched it right off us. “DON’T BE ASSHOLES!” he growled and we just laughed. But then Monday night, it happened again! This time, I figured out how to save the butt picture and we hurriedly openedupInstagram and posted it with the caption “I love butts” but then dumbass Chooch couldn’t control himself andstartedlaugh-puking, which tipped off Henry and he stormed out of the kitchen and tried to grab it just I hit “post,” so then he grabbed MY phone and we hadaflat out wrestling match over each others’ phones while Chooch was gagging on his vomit by then. “YOU WAIT!” Henry tried to say in a threatening mob boss tone, which only made us laugh harder. Then he got his phone back and deleted the butt sprinkles. :(
  • BUT NOT BEFORE I SCREENSHOT IT! Bam, motherfucker. Nothing dies on the Internet!

• There was a knock at the door Sunday afternoon. I figured it was just Marky because he comes over in 10 minute intervals the entire weekend, but when I turned around, I could see the silhouette of a tall person through the frosted glass of the front door. “IT’S AN ADULT!” I screamed, scrambling up the steps. I don’t know you guys, but I blame the Squalor Years, where utility workers were constantly banging on our door to shut off our service. Even though those days are way in the past, I still get all jumpy when I hear knocking! I made it to the bedroom, sliding across the floor on my hip like a Bad News Bear, when Henry called up, “It’s not adult. It’s just Blake.” So then it went from SUNDAY DISRUPTION to SUNDAY SURPRISE. A visit from Blake is always welcome! He was going to the Story So Far show later that night and wanted to borrow a shirt from Henry because his was dirty. (The life of a 22-year-old, sigh.) But then I was like, “Who would ever want to borrow a shirt from HENRY?” I mean, unless you’re going as Plain for Halloween. In the end, he chose a black Faygo shirt even though he was slightly worried about getting bullied. (He was joking but that would have been a legit concern for myself.)

• Then Marky came over for real and everyone donned animal masks because it was Sunday and why not.
• I went to see “Heaven Adores You” at the Hollywood Theater Monday after work. It’s a documentary about Elliott Smith, who has been one of my favorite singers since I was a teenager. When he died in 2003, I cried actual tears; it was like losing a friend. So,Iwaspreparedto be sitting & crying alone in a darkened theater that night, and as expected, I started crying as soon as it started. If you are/were a fan of his, I recommend this film. It was a gift to see these old interviews and clips of performances by him, as well as hearing friends and band mates tell their version of who Elliott Smith was. It brought back memories of being 18 and living in my first apartment, watching the Oscars with Psycho Mike on my tiny TV that sat on a wooden crate, just because I wanted to see Elliott perform “Miss Misery.” My friend/sort of roommate Heather bought me two of his albums that year for my birthday, and it’s one of those seemingly random things I’ll always associate with him even though Heather and I haven’t hung out since…1999 I think? Acknowledging the music I like is a sure way to my heart.
  • I live only a few blocks away from the theater, but it was storming so hard  that Henry dropped me off. It was actually perfect weather for that film.
• • I had to wait until the very last credit rolled up the screen before finally attempting to leave the theater because I couldn’t get my body to stop shuddering from all the crying I did. I am a fucking mess anymore.
  • It had stopped raining by the time I left the theater so I was able to walk home, probably looking like I had just had some awful domestic dispute.
  • I so badly wish he was still alive. </3
    • If you don’t know who he is, spoiler alert: he died on 10/21/03 of two stab wounds to the heart. The coroner never officially ruled it a suicide, and a lot of people think someone did it to him, but I guess no one will ever know. This film wasn’t about his death though, but his life. And I appreciated that his death wasn’t sensationalized.
  • Now I really want to watch Good Will Hunting forthe734097023748b2453th time.
    • This song forever.

• Oh man, Henry had a Professional Truck Driving Boner yesterday when we came across this car-transporting truck that fatally* attempted to make a right turn when TRUCKS WERE NOT ALLOWED TO DO SO, and he ended up fucking up his truck and blocking an intersection. “OH HE CAN’T DO THAT. ANY DECENT TRUCK DRIVER KNOWS YOU CAN’T MAKE A TURN LIKE THAT. OH, HE FUCKED HIS TRUCK UP BAD!!!” And he had this smug look on his face like this is something that they teach on the first day of Truckers Academy, right after How to Wear a Trucker Cap Without Looking Like Kevin Federline 101.

• I write bulletpoint posts because it fills the void that was left when texting replaced actual telephone conversations. Imagine, while you read this, that WE ARE ON THE PHONE TOGETHER, painting our toenails with our hair wrapped in a towel, gotta go the milk man’s here!

• Speaking of painting nails, Chooch has been into painting his nails again, which he usedto be into when he was three. Here is a picture of him holding a grilled cheese at Eat n Park with chipped fingernail-polished hands. Nothing even remotely exciting happened here other than Chooch slamming his head off the door when we walked in and the manager frantically asking us if we were missing an order of pancakes, which we were not. A waitress was cleaning the table behind us and informed us that there were mystery pancakes in the kitchen and no one could figure out where they belonged. Then we got our check and Henry noticed that there was an order of blueberry pancakes on there, so the waitress must have accidentally hit the wrong button and WOW is this *a boring story! DON’T WORRY WE WEREN’T CHARGED FOR IT.
  • See? Chooch at the fair in 2009, with delicate, ebon nails:

• Therapy:

Wow, this might be in the running for most boring bullet point post ever.

Quick! Let’s huff the fuck out of this blog post.

• Wendy and I had lunch at Villa Reale on Friday and she let me have the leftover pizza, and kept saying, “MAKE SURE YOU REMEMBER TO TAKE IT HOME TONIGHT” and I felt so panicked about forgetting and letting her down, so I had to write myself a note on my hand, and then I drew a picture as an extra reminder because I’m 35 and you can’t tell me what to do. (But really, who can forget about pizza?)
  • Speaking of pizza, I know that it’s like super trendy all of a sudden to be a pizza connoisseur, and I love me some pizza too, but I’m still grilled cheese’s #1. Also, I’m super picky about pizza and do not subscribe to the “even bad pizza is good pizza” ideology. (I mean, I’ll still eat it. Usually*.)
    • *I threw an entire pizza across the house one time because I hated it. (It had onions on it. CRUNCHY ONIONS.) Ask Henry. It was during our first year dating and he came back after that, for some reason.

• Can you believe Henry had the audacity to send me this text this morning? I was like, “FUCK OFF YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO” so I left the house without a “light jacket.” I figured I would be OK because I was wearing a sweater. Wrong. It was pretty chilly. So then I called Henry on my walk to the trolley and complained about being chilly because I’m 35 and you can’t tell me what to do!!
• Yesterday, I bailed out Todd at work (as usual! It’s hard work being everyone’s savior), so he was calling me She-Ra, which made me super happy. But then today, he said it again and I realized he was actually saying “She-ro,” like a female hero, and I mean, that was still cool but it’s no She-Ra. So then Todd was like, “WTF is a She-Ra, anyway?” and Amber¹ and I were like, “GTFO how do you not know who She-Ra is, she’s the motherfucking Princess of Power, for fuck’s sake” so then that turned into an early morning discussion and I felt inspired to make a She-Ra Glenn. While I was drawing it, I had some mad deja vu, so I checked the poster board of orginal Glenns and sure enough, I had already made a She-Ra Glenn in 2012. “Way to be redundant,” Glenn mumbled.

• Speaking of awesome 80’s cartoons, we also discussed our annoyance at the new Jem and the Holograms movie coming out this fall. First, Sandy and I yelled to each other about it across the floor and then when Amber¹ got here later, she and I talked about it too, so then I told Allison that if there is one thing she takes away from work today, I hope it’s that broads in their 30s are very upset about the Jem and the Holograms movie. Of course Allison was like, “I don’t even know what Jem is because I’m not an old person.”

• My friend Kelly tweeted this to me the other day and I was like FUCK YES and then rubbed it in Henry’s face. He was like, “OK, I never said I didn’t like them.” Seriously though, I 100% don’t expect people to like the music I post on here, or even bother listening to it in the first place, so when something like this happens, I feel like a tiny victory over Top 40 music has been won. <3
  • P.S. It occurred to me that I didn’t ask Kelly if I could post this, so I used some trusty Catwangs to protect her Twitter identity from you fools.

• Here is a photographical quad of my child whining and sweating. This was pre-Ulta melt-down on Saturday. Sticker book or not, I don’t think Henry really stood a chance that night. When Chooch gets in a mood, NOTHING HELPS.
• Henry was apparently “mad” at me all day yesterday (lol) but he still picked me up from work and proceeded to “ignore me” which just made me crack up, so then he started cracking up too because HE CAN’T STAY MAD AT MY ADORABLE TURTLE FACE.

• #SPOONSELFIE. Chooch was angry about this one when he saw it. #HenryJr. The novelty of The Spoon has not worn off yet.
• So, two years ago, we were “Those People” who got suckered into buying some vacation package at the COUNTY FAIR. The COUNTY FAIR, you guys. Anyway, it was for a few nights at some resort in Williamsburg, VA and it is totally one of those timeshare things where you have to sit through some excruciating presentation. But, it was cheap, the resort is beautiful, and we got the Busch Gardens hook-up, which is clearly the only reason Williamsburg would ever be on my radar. We only have two years to use it and Henry FINALLY made our reservations for my birthday week in July and I am so fucking stoked about this because once we’re done tearing shit up in Virginia, we’re making our way down to Savannah and Tybee Island to meet up with my amazing gypsy friend Octavia and her family! I love planning vacations around out-of-town friends. One day, I WILL MEET YOU ALL.
  • I originally said that Henry has to sit through this timeshare thing on his own, but he was like, “Oh no no no this was your idea and we both have to do it” and at first I was like, “I’m 35 and you can’t tell me what to do” but then I pictured the giggle-vomiting that’s bound to happen once I’m in that room. YOU ASKED FOR IT, HENRY.

• ^Sign of a good weekend! The events that these wristbands belong to will be written about later this week (I promise, Monica!). They were some good times!

• Yesterday was Janna’s birthday! Bottoms up, you Robitussin lush!

• Chooch waited until 9:00PM Sunday night to try to learn how to crochet. I’m sure you can guess how that went. Lots of rage and tears. “TAKE ME TO CHRIS AND MONICA’S SO THEY CAN HELP ME!” he wailed. Henry was like, “Sure. I don’t have a problem with that. They might, though.”

Ciao for now!

Bullet points, my favorite blogging cop-out! This will be especially beneficial to me since HENRY has been going to bed early all week and I haven’t had anyone to talk to at night! Lots to get off my chest. *(I started writing this on Thursday and now it’s Friday…so Thriday.)

• I’m currently extremely stressed out about hockey. If the Penguins lose tonight in New York, they’re done, you guys. Hockey heartbreak, every goddamn spring. (Game started. We’re losing.)
• Maternity Leave Amber had her baby on Monday! Super stoked for her, and even more stoked for her to come back to work. That’s soon, right? Like, yesterday? :(
  • In other work news, Barb’s replacement started on Monday. I’m too sad/numb to write anything more about that. SIGH. BARB. 
    • Except that I mentioned to Nate that at least it’s not Henry’s ex-wife. Nate said, “What if it was her?! Hashtag awkward.” I said, “Then one of us would probably be dead,” and Nate said somberly, “Hashtag dead.” That was a real, verbatim conversation that I might need to remember one day. You’re welcome, Future Erin.
• I don’t think I’ve been on this level of excitement for Warped Tour since maybe 2008 or 2009. I seriously think about it everyday and my special edition Choonimals 3D ticket came last week so now I’m really jumping around the house like a freak. I was making Henry watch Warped Tour survival videos on YouTube Wednesday night and he was like “And you wonder why I want to go to bed at 7:30 every night.”
  • I want Henry to make his own Warped Tour survival video now!! And then he can link to his OOTD (Barb, that means “outfit of the day”) video at the end.

• Rude things Henry has said to me this week:
  • I’m cheap and easy
  • I’m a toaster-operating moron (SORRY IF I DIDN’T KNOW THERE IS A TIME LIMIT FOR POP-TARTS?!)
  • I sound like a clown when I sneeze (actually a compliment, so fuck you, Henry)
  • I’m stuck-up
• Speaking of being stuck-up, yesterday my new workBFF Allison told me that shewas scared of me on her first day and that she thought I was goingto be “the mean one” of the group because she sat across from me in a meeting and I looked mad. “Oh, I always look like that in those meetings!” I laughed. And then I added, “How could you think I was mean when I have so much awesome stuff on my desk? Like zombie stuff and….” “Yeah, that didn’t do much to help,” Allison laughed.
  • This made me think of a few weeks ago when Amber the Original AG¹ told me that when she first started working at The Law Firm in 2011, I was only working late shift then so she never actually saw me, but one time she had to walk past my desk. And based on that, she had this impression that I was a really scary goth person. One time she was working late shift too, and one of the analysts (Tyler; he left in 2012 and we all still miss him so much!) came back to his office near Amber’s desk and mentioned off-handedly that he was over on the other side, talking to me, and Amber was like, “EW WHY!?” But then she finally met me and realized that I am an adorable sweetheart baby doll thing. I love this story!
• I’m still on a heavy Pvris kick. Lynn makes the hairs stand up on my arms like whoa.

• My expression upon finding out that Henry has never heard Cutting Crew’s “Been In Love Before” was the same as when I found out he votedforDubya.
  • Shock and disgust. On my face.
• Me: “Marcy taught me about unconditional love.” Henry: Well, you didn’t learn much.”
• Guys, remember when Henry pitched a fit because I didn’t turn off the lights and TV and lock the door last week? PROOF THAT I LISTENED:

Corey’s comment about my lock-turning seeming rusty is spot-on, you guys. Also, I was bragging about some person commenting that I’m “seriously the best” and “so funny and pretty,” and Henry was like, “Yeah. I saw that. That kid is like 7.” But still. It’s a step-up from my imaginary friend saying it. Kind of.

• Last Friday, Sandy arranged a late shift happy hour. It was the first happy hour I was able to make it to in A LONG TIME and it was really great. Even though Lou and Ethan were with us. But Lucas was there too and that was only the second time I’ve hung out with him outside of work in 5 years. (The first was last September when we were volunteer mulchers. That was pretty terrible.) The reason I’m mentioning this is because I realized that in the last almost-year that I’ve been in my current position, I actually feel like I’m part of the department again, and even though I might still have “bad” days here and there (who doesn’t?), I really am so much happier now. I can’t really write too much on here aboutthedarkside of my job because let’s be a Smart Blogger, right? But I just feel a lot more appreciated now and it’s nice to hear a “thank you for your help today” every now and again, you know?
  • And also because Ethan was whining about wanting a corned beef sandwich (we were at Sammy’s and theirs’ are “famous”) but not unless someone else would get one too because he didn’t want to be the only person eating, but I was like, “Corned beef is a vegetarian’s nightmare” and Lou was like, “Corned beef is disgusting” and Sandy was too fixated on the popcorn situation. So finally, Lucas was like, “Fine. I’ll get one too” and then they got up to go to the corned beef counter together, like two girls who couldn’t go to the bathroom alone.

• Henry finally got his hair cut so no more topknot.Whompwhomp.
  • In other top knot news, Henry flipped out because I wanted coffee but I refused to go into the coffee place we were near because I’m allergic to hipsters. (WHY DO THEY HAVE TO HAVE GOOD TASTE IN COFFEE?! I want them to just be satisfied with Starbucks or McCafe.) When Henry came back to the car, he shoved my iced coffee at me and said, “AND THE GUY HAD A TOP KNOT!” Oh Henry.
  • I accidentally (I’m 35 and still insist spelling this “accidently”) watched a recent Jonny Craig video on YouTube and stated cracking up because I forgot he too is going through a topknot phase.
    • As if Henry is actually “going through a topknot phase.” That knot was on top of his head for approx. 8 seconds last week.

• Tuesday (4/21) was Robert Smith’s birthday! I always feel strange on this day because I’m like YAY ROBERT I LOVE YOU but also I can’t help but remember that it’s my quitiversary from that awful meat place I worked at for 4 years. Coincidentally,thelady I shared an office with (a/k/a my Original Work Mom, Carol) commented on this picture I posted of Robert on Facebook and said, “Still perfectly coiffed as always.” I drove her nuts with my constantCurefan-girling. I miss her. I should make her go to lunch with me soon.
  • I wore my Robert pendant to work and made sure to tell everyone it’s his birthday because this is important. When ItoldA-ron, he said, “Oh, The Smiths, right?” totally on purpose and I shouted down the hall at him, “THAT’S OFFENSIVE!” Then I came back to my desk and told Glenn and Todd, who didn’t get it, so I scoffed, “Robert and Morrissey hate each other. Everyone knows that!”
    • GOD!!!
  • Then I was mad because the AltPress instagram posted a birthday picture of Robert and all these bratty kids hijacked the post, whining that it was some Black Veil Bride asshole’s birthday too, totally taking away from Robert, so then AP gave that d-bag his own birthday shoutout, like who cares about a BVB birthday!? Ugh. THAT’S OFFENSIVE.
• The most exciting thing that happened today was when I was pulling folders out of a filing cabinet and got  A REALLY BAD PAPER CUT. It was basically the HNNGGGGGH  heard around the department. It was kind of embarrassing how many far away people stopped in their tracks and said, “Oh no, paper cut?” (OK, two people.) My first instinct was to cry, “AND I DON’T HAVEANYMORECANDYLANDBANDAIDS!” which made Todd lose it. Glenn was like, “Oh for Christ’s sake” and got me a boring, old person bandage out of his dumb drawer. He even opened it for me! “We’re going to hear about this all day,” he muttered after I snatched it from him.
  • When Gayle got to work, I stopped her and cried, “I GOT A PAPER CUT TODAY,GAAAAAAYLE” and then we were all talking about how shocked we were that Glenn cared enough to give me a bandage but he said, “You didn’t see the Bio-Hazard sticker on it?” Ugh.
    • Then I washed my hands and it started to fall off, so I used some leftover Jesus stickers from last year’s Easter Glenn Hunt to hold it together:

    

    • Fuck this week.

It’s Thursday. Let’s have words.

• It’s Food Drive season as work and the person in charge for our department is kind of mean about it and her emails lack the proper amount of enthusiastic punctuation so I have not felt inclined to donate any dusty cans of stewed tomatoes that might have fallen behind the kitchen shelf. (I save those for Warped Tour so I can skip the line!) But then Sue sent out an email today that said anyone who brings in a jar of peanut butter tomorrow can wear jeans, so I will be doing that. Actually, I asked Glenn as he was leaving if he would bring in one for me but he just tossed me a scowl over his shoulder, so I feel like I shouldn’t put too much stock in him.
  • There is also a bake sale happening in order to raise money for the Food Bank, which would be awesome if I wasn’t forever on a diet.
• Tonight is Game 1 of the Pens/Rangers playoff series and I am not anticipating it one bit. We barely even made it into the playoffs this year so my hopes are not very high. Actually, my hopes don’t even exist.
  • Someone brought in a pan of brownies for the food drive bake sale and my hockey anxiety has me considering bringing the whole fucking pan back to my desk.
• YOU GUYS yesterday after Henry picked me up from work, I swear to God I saw Paul Eugene walking down the sidewalk!! Henry was like, “That is not him” and I said, “SCREAM PAUL EUGENE OUT THE WINDOW!!!” but Henry wouldn’t so I guess now we’ll never know.
• There’s some article going around on Facebook about how Brookline is “suddenly hip” and I’m a bit irritated that no one thought to consult me for this newsworthy write-up.
  • And then that same day, there was a stand-off in Brookline, so….
  • Also, I find it concerning that there was no mention of all the hip drunks around town.
• My Dance Gavin Dance pre-order finally was delivered yesterday! I was frantically tracking it all morning and when I saw that it had been delivered at 10:33am, this went down:

OK so yay! Henry left work to get my package off the front porch, but then he just LEFT IT IN THE HOUSE!? Like, he couldn’t have brought it downtown for me!? So then I texted him later in the afternoon because I wanted to remind him to bring the CD with him when he came to pick me up so that I could listen to it in the car, but he said he wasn’t going home firat first!?

THE WORST!!!!!! Then last night, Henry saw that I posted these screencaps on Instagram and he claims that “No problem” was something he had sent to me earlier in the morning about something else, but “for some reason” it resent it after my crazy text torrent. I’m actually inclined to believe him because when I first got that text, I thought to myself, “Wow. What an even-keeled response to my CAPSLOCK jamboree.”

Me, after coming home from work and tearing open the package. 

• In other DGD news, I’ve been talking about them so much that Todd felt inclined to listen to their new album yesterday on Spotify, He made it about 20 seconds into the first song before stopping to share his commentary: “It was real mellow at first, like some Adam Levine shit, but then all of a sudden it turned metal…?” And then later he asked, “Why are they so angry?!” And that’s funny, because to me this isn’t angry music at all!
• Today, Glenn was like “Well? Where’s all your gear?” And I was like “My what now?” “Your gear. All the gear you got yesterday that we had to hear about all day.” LOL. “Gear.” Like anyone calls it that!!!
• Here at work, when we’re not all gushing over the new DGD album, we’ve been on some hardcore Amber G. Baby Watch. I have been checking in with her every day and reporting back to everyone, but I’m trying not to be some crazy Birth Sentinel because I know that would annoy me if people were constantly texting me about my dilation status. It’s going to be so weird when she comes back to work and isn’t pregnant anymore, because I think we all had grown so accustomed to tip-toeing around her. (She could be pretty snarly in her pregnant state!)

• • Maybe tonight’s hockey game will induce labor.
• A conversation that happened last night while watching Breaking Bad:

Me: “Can I give you a top knot?”
Henry: “What is a top knot….?”
Me: “Just say yes.”
Henry: “No.”
Me: *gives him top knot anyway*
Henry: “WHAT IS IT?! No!”

His new look was wildly celebrated on Facebook, but he shockingly did not wear it to work today.

• Hay guys, the hockey game just started and the Rangers scored 20-some seconds in. MAYBE I’LL HAVE A BROWNIE AFTER ALL.
• Amber, did you have your baby yet?
• This might be the dumbest blog post title I’ve ever made up. I quit. 
• Chooch has been on a Fall Out Boy kick recently (primarily their recent album) and I got to be That Person who bragged about seeing them in 2004, pre-commercial success, when all of my friends were like, “WHO are you going to see?!” (Oh wait, that’s present-day too!)
• Today, I made the mistake of telling Glenn that my knee hurt. I tweaked it a few months ago when I was exercising and every now and then it starts hurting again. So glenn offered me “Advil” and I stupidly took it without checking to make sure it was legit and not something he cut in the woodshed/lab in his backyard. His fake drugs did not cure my knee but I think there was a connection between that and my extreme drowsiness all day. Luckily, my new BFF Allison gave me real, name brand Advil later on and then my knee felt OK. 
• UM, so I have been home from late shift for like 2 hours and just noticed that there was an envelope addressed to me, casually strewn upon the dining room table. The return address was THE ARTERY FOUNDATION so I knew immediately that it was going to bey handwritten DGD lyrics and IT WAS so I flipped out on Henry and screamed HOW LONG WERE YOU GOING TO HIDE THIS FROM ME?! and he claims he “didn’t know” what it was?! I was like THE POSTMARK CLEARLY STATES THAT ITS FROM SACRAMENTO WHAT ELSE WOULD I POSSIBLY BE GETTING FROM SACRAMENTO?! My god Henry fails as a scene kid’s boyfriend. I guess now that he wears a topknot, he’s only interested in watching Coachella videos on YouTube. 

• Amber, did you have the baby yet?

In today’s installment of How Not to Fall Off the Ledge, let’s discuss some things that induce happiness, such as….

• Wendy’s inability to operate an umbrella:
  
• Getting to see my buddy Nina and her adorable boys while they’re visiting from Virginia:

Before we left for lunch with Wendy, Little Q was all over my desk, but what kid wouldn’t be!? He tried to walk off with one of my zombie finger puppets, so I traded him two fingers, which he seemed content with, especially since one was wearing an eyeball ring which he turned into a “trophy.” Then he chased Marlene around with them and she was all, “Oh gee, I wonder where you could have gotten FINGERS from.”

Nina asked if it was OK that Q  kept them, and I was like, “Sure, I have more!” But then I came back later and pouted about it. (Just kidding! But Q better remember me the next time I see him.)

• My friends & family. All of them: real life, online, work (even the frenemies like Glenn, Ethan and Todd) who have been kind to me all week during this hard time. Losing a pet is an ache like no other. I’m lucky to have so many amazing people who have been popping over to say they understand, or texting from other states, or offering to ply me with ice cream. Or just distracting me with their IRRITATING BANTER, UGH GLENN.
• A boyfriend who makes his girlfriend one of her favorite desserts (strawberry shortcake!) in a valiant effort to keep her from defenestration.

• Thinking about last week’s hockey game that Chooch and I went to, which is on tap to be written about, but…you know. Anyway, I still want to mention it because it makes me happy every time I think back to the fun time we had.
• We had a Biggest Loser challenge at work and I came in #2! I lost 14.something pounds. I excitedly told Glenn that I came in second, and he mumbled, “You’ll always be the biggest loser to me.”
• EASTER! I don’t know how it happened, but somewhere along the way, Easter has become a holiday that I actually enjoy, which is strange because it was the first one that occurred after my Pappap died, which got the ball rolling for my family to stop giving a shit about celebrating holidays. So for a while, I did associate it with that. But now I think about springtime and being religiously idiotic and thinking of the non-traditional things that me, Henry and Chooch can do that day. It’s supposedto be beautiful on Sunday, so I predict that we will be spending most of it outdoors, and then Corey is going to join us for dinner at whichever random Chinese restaurant happensto be open.
  • Most importantly, though, I’m excited because we still have to take our Easter bunny portraits! If you’ve been pissing around on this blog for the last few years, you know that we haven’t done the whole formal mall Easter bunny thing in forever, probably not since Chooch was three. It started as an accident, where we literally just forgot to take him to the mall, so we had to do a last minute picture with Henry wearing a plastic rabbit mask. And now it’s like, why pay all that money to get a picture with the same rabbit every year when we can just do it ourselves? So, finalizing the theme has been a beautiful distraction for me this week. Can’t wait to get this done tomorrow!

• The guest post I wrote for the Pittsburgh Guest Blog Exchange! Did you read it? DID YOU?! It’s about Mister Rogers and there is a companion painting, so you should go and look.
• SHATTERED DREAMS:

• Thinking of the future and not dwelling on the past. I’m letting myself mourn and grieve, for sure (come on, this emo girl ain’t changing her ways) and there have been plenty of times when I have just fucking lost it in the shower, but it’s not going to bring her back. So instead of immersing myself up to my head in the sadness pond, I have been thinking of ways to honor Marcy. Obviously, a tattoo. But that can’t happen right away, so in the meantime, I’m having a memorial dinner for her next Saturday, at the one restaurant that has always brought me a sense of comfort, Blue Flame. I’m just excited to be with friends and reminisce about how evil and amazing and beautiful and scary Marcy was. I fucking miss her so much and this sucks. But…happy thoughts.

There is so much to be happy about, and sometimes the doom and gloom just needs to go and fuck itself.