Going to the Einstürzende Neubauten show.

How Hulk loafs around in the privacy of his home is none of your concern.

Cat torture attire.

Lower half is ready for a night of gothic boot-stomping at the Bat Cave, top half is ready to drink craft beer while building a terrarium at PLANT NITE.

If John Waters had directed Mary Poppins.

Oh boy, guess what time it is?! Annual Christmas portraits of Chooch in the cemetery! And as usual, it was the only time we fought all day because I get so irritated with using my actual camera anymore.

I use this excuse every single time, but my camera is like a dying dog that needs puts out of its misery. But buying a new one is just not something I care about right now (priorities: concerts and traveling for concerts) so I keep dragging the old, broken bitch out of the house when the time comes, which really is only about twice a year these days because I’m lazy and apathetic as fuck. But at least this time I remembered to charge the battery the night before!

As usual, there was tons of fighting in the beginning. The camera was all out of whack and I started launching death threats at Henry because everything is his fault. But then he fiddled with the setting and everything was OK but I still hated him so he hung back and let us do our thing.

We eventually walked across the street to the other side of the cemetery and Henry completely left us alone, and suddenly Chooch and I were best friends and I hadn’t yelled, “JUST FORGET IT!

” and marched off in a huff in at least 10 minutes! A record!

Anyway, here are pictures of my kid, age 10, on Christmas 2016 after eating a lazy picnic of egg salad sandwiches and Chips Ahoy that Henry half-assedly tossed into a tiny cooler. These picnics are dying the same slow death as my camera!

It looks like Chooch is so congenial here! But what was actually happening was he was saying, “FUCK MY LIFE” with a mirthless laugh.

And here he is laughing at my camera-caused anguish.

This was probably when I was yelling, “EVERYTHING I DO FOR YOU AND YOU CAN’T SMILE FOR ONE FUCKING PICTURE!?”

Things got OK from this point on. I wasn’t feeding off of Henry’s presence anymore and my blood pressure was starting to level out.

I don’t know why, but somehow the theme became “Sad Mouseketeer” – I just rolled with it because Chooch was actually being pleasant to work with and sometimes you just have to let the model take the lead.

The “please adopt me” face.

This is the look he’s usually giving me at any given moment of the day.

When we got in the car to leave, Chooch said to Henry, “Daddy, everything was fine once you left.” SEE?! Henry is the catalyst.

And then the rest of the day was fine because I didn’t have a camera in my hand. Henry said it probably just needs serviced and I was like YOU NEED SERVICED UGH.

I’m really excited guys, because my kid has agreed to be the next People Feature subject! If you’ve met him in person, chances are you like him more than you like me. It’s just the way things go and I have learned to accept it. I mean, I’d like him better than me, too!

He’s really into cats, Pokemon, watching stupid things on YouTube (it’s the thing of his generation, you guys), being right, knowing everything, busting shoes within two months, and MATH for some dumb reason.

Contrary to popular belief, Chooch is not my kid’s actual, birth certificate-printed name. We had already settled on the name Riley before he was born, but it was one of those strange things where you get a pet, and you name that pet, and then you call that pet a million other names. It was like that. I looked down at him when we were still in the hospital and blurted out, “Aw, my little Choochie Cabrera!” And he’s been Chooch ever since, even though he’s at that age where he is trying furiously to just be Riley.

(Chooch rhymes with butch. People who have heard me say it out loud still insist on calling him CHOOOOOOCH and that’s just wrong. If you only knew how long I deliberated over the spelling.)

OK, now that you know his name origins, let’s ask him some questions! 10-year-olds are weird!

You love watching Friends reruns, so it’s a good thing they’re always on, constantly. What character on Friends do you relate to the most?

Ross, because he’s weird. I guess. I don’t know.

What would be your dream vacation and why. And would you take me?

Maybe Tokyo because it’s beautiful and big and it has the Nintendo headquarters and Pokémon stuff. And no, I would not take you.

Who are some of your neighborhood enemies?

Larry! Because he accuses me of stealing stuff. He once accused me of stealing his stupid paintball gun, yet when we were doing a photoshoot in the backyard, it was laying right on his bench!

Jackie the Witch.

Ruth.

What has been the BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE so far??

Getting [my cat] Drew. Not going to Disney World because I had to leave Drew.

Remember when you thought we were taking you to your new foster home when really we were going to pick out a kitten?

Yeah.

You’ve been a vegetarian since July. What made you want to go meatless?

Because veggie burgers have NO MURDER in it and why would I want to eat animal slaughter? Also, because a lot of my favorite singers are vegetarians/vegans such as: Christofer Drew (Never Shout Never) and Oli Sykes (Bring Me the Horizon).

What’s your favorite vegetarian meal?

Boca chicken patty because if it tastes like real chicken, why go back to eating actual chicken?

If you could be a member of any TV family, which one would it be and why?

The Simpsons because their life is crazy and you never know what might happen. Actually can I change my answer? Why would I want to change my family? My family’s fine!

OH LAYING IT ON THICK! Bravo. Pretend like one of the lunch ladies is tired of listening to the radio and is ready to branch out. Give her 5 of your favorite bands to listen to:

1. Pierce the Veil
2. The Summer Set
3. Emarosa
4. Dance Gavin Dance
5. Jule Vera. Had to throw that in. 

Speaking of lunch ladies, one of them hates you. Let’s talk about that!

She doesn’t really hate me….anymore. She doesn’t like me. She always says Are you sure you’re a vegetarian and I’m like “have I ate meat?!” Last year when my friend pushed me in the road & a teacher almost hit me, because she said she wasn’t go “fast at all” which she was, the lunch lady said YOU GOT [NAME WITHHELD] IN TROUBLE! since my friend is her FAVORITE and that’s it.

She probably says “yinz” and supports Trump. 

She does say yinz. That’s true.

Describe your perfect day:

Drew invites me to her birthday party in Hawaii and she made a cake made out of Penelope fur.

Since I recently learned that you’re a haiku aficionado, write a haiku about Henry:

He didn’t let me

Get chips that were on sale for

2 for 5 at Kuhn’s.

If you were old enough to get a tattoo right now, what would it be?

Obviously like the one you have of Marcy, but with Drew. With a banner that says Peace and Love. Never Lose.

You’ve been going to shows since you were 6! What’s the best one you’ve been to so far? 

That Pierce the Veil Misadventures concert because their set was pretty cool and they played all of my favorite songs, and most of the other shows I’ve been to have been at crappy venues.

Draw a picture of HENRY being scared at a haunted house. 

I love that Henry is almost always in some varying state of nudity in your depictions of him. Final question, and this is A BIG ONE: who do you love more, me or Henry?

You.

(YESSSSSS I WIN!!!!!!)

(There wasn’t much conviction in his answer but still….YESSSSS I WIN!!!!!!)

I wish I could properly explain the wrath I dealt with back in May when Chooch realized he was going to miss a headlining Summer Set show in Pittsburgh because we were in Michigan for Bledfest (something that only I wanted to do and Henry and Chooch got stuck going along for the ride and hated every second of it). “But it’s cool because you’ll get to see them at Warped Tour!” I reasoned, and Chooch seemed pacified by this.

And then there was more, even greater wrath in July when we realized that The Summer Set was only going to be on the second leg of Warped Tour, so Chooch would have to miss them again. 

And then there was no Pittsburgh date for their fall tour, but there was a Columbus show that fell on a Saturday so Henry and I felt it was worth it. Look, The Summer Set is not necessarily a band I would go out of my way for, but Chooch is really taken by them, for whatever reason. And who am I to deny my kid the pleasure of seeing one of his favorite bands? I mean, look at how bent out of shape I get when I have to miss seeing one of my favorite bands!

If you read my lame-o live blog post, some of this you already know. Like, the fact that Henry booted us out onto the curb and then went carousin’ around Columbus for….litter boxes and ginger tea. Henry knows how to live it up.

The venue was the A&R Music Bar. I’ve never been there before and I get really nervous about taking my kid to venues I know nothing about. But…the show was all ages, so I figured we’d be fine. Here in Pittsburgh, most of the venues won’t let you bring drinks out of the bar area, so I assumed it would be like that here too.

But no! It was a fucking free-for-all. The bar wasn’t separate all, and while I imagined the crowd would mostly consist of underaged girls, there actually seemed to be more adults there.

Drunk adults.

All over.

Being rude.

Standing in front of Chooch.

Talking over all of the bands.

I was just really rubbed the wrong way almost immediately and had this dire urge to have Henry come and get us and then we could just go do something touristy or…I don’t know…go home. I hate when I get those bad feelings! And I just couldn’t shake this one at all.

Chooch and I were so hateful of the crowd that we opted to go out on the patio and hang out with the all of the smokers, even though it was about 40 degrees out. We could actually see the stage better from out there and the sound wasn’t muted much at all.

That dude up there in the white shirt was the opener. I think his name was Chase? No. It’s Hudson Thames. I pretended for a second to be committed to the art of blogging and actually researched that shit.

Um…Hudson had a great voice! But I wasn’t entranced.  And then after his set, he took off his shirt and threw it into the crowd, like OK Tacky.

William Beckett was next. I had no idea he was on this tour, and when he walked past us when we were standing in line, I was like, “That guy looks familiar” but then figured it was just because he reminded me of someone who would have been in a Sid & Marty Kroft television show, and didn’t think about it again until we were inside and I was buying Chooch his 374872389465th Summer Set shirt, when I looked over and saw the guy again, and then my eyes drifted to the side of his head and I noticed all of the William Beckett merch on the wall and realized that oh shit, that’s William Beckett from The Academy Is… what the fuck is he doing opening for the Summer Set?!

We only stuck around for two of his songs because, ask Chooch, we were surrounded by drunk broads with really annoying voices. I will never understand why people pay money to go to a show and then stand with their back to the stage scream-talking to their friends. Like, just go to a regular bar for that, or have a fucking house party. I guess I just don’t get it. MAYBE BECAUSE I’M TOO SQUARE. I’M SO SQUARE THAT I USED THE TERM “SQUARE.”

After William Beckett, Chooch and I went back inside, on a quest to find somewhere decent to stand where he could see and we wouldn’t be inadvertently wrapped up in a Snuggie of drunk douchebags. We ventured further and further up toward the front of the venue until we were next to the side of the stage. There were several other people standing there, and Chooch was happy enough with the unobstructed view that he didn’t care if he was just going to see the Summer Set’s profiles.

Eventually though, one of the staff ladies came over and said that we were going to have to move back more into the main area when the band came out, and we were like, “Ugh fine.” However, two girls came into the venue with one of the Summer Set guys (Josh, according to Chooch) and stood next to Chooch and the staff lady was just like, “Fine I give up. Stand there. Create a fire hazard. Oh well.”

I mean, probably that’s what she was thinking, and not, “Gotta catch ’em all.”

HERE IS A REALLY DETAILED, ARCHITECTURALLY ACCURATE BLUEPRINT OF THE LAYOUT:

You can see how we were keeping an open area so that traffic could freely flow to and from the exit.

I was so pleased with how this night had panned out! Chooch was in a comfortable spot, I had a thing to lean my old ass body against, the band was playing pleasant pop music that I generally wouldn’t care about but have learned to semi-like thanks to Chooch (I REALLY LIKE THEIR NEW SONG “JEAN JACKET” AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT)….Some old broad had migrated to our area with her niece who was around the same age as Chooch, and she and I were exchanging pleasantries, and that’s when I made the mistake.

I said words.

I jinxed myself.

“This is the perfect spot,” I yelled into my new friend’s hair.

“Yeah it really is!” she said, and we leaned back against the bar, smiling as our young companions danced and clapped to The Summer Set.

Then that lady left. I don’t know where she went, to the back of the room with her niece, I guess. And then suddenly, a group of 6 totally trashed bitches came barreling up from the back of the room and stuffed themselves into the area area between those of us leaning against the bar and the few people in front of us at the barricade.

They were flailing around, screaming like infants, holding their cans of Coors Light like torches over their perfect heads of hair, sloshing beer around like a stinky sprinkler system, and being generally REALLY FUCKING INTRUSIVE.

Luckily, the staff lady swooped in from her station at the door and yelled, “You guys have to move! We have to keep this area open!”

Of course, they wouldn’t move. Why would they move? They were fucking entitled little bitches who owned the place.

All I knew was that they were potentially going to ruin things for Chooch. I had a feeling that if they didn’t move, that broad was going to come back and make us ALL move. So I kind of nudged one of them so she’d move, instead of pancaking me against the edge of bar like she was currently doing. I mean, they brought major pandemonium to our nice little area of the venue, and everything was happening so fast…

But I didn’t think this prissy little girl was actually going to flip out from being subtly nudged.

“That bitch PUSHED ME!” she shrieked to the staff lady, who was just like, “Oh OK” and then walked away. When she didn’t get the attention she craved, she continued to scream her face off about me pushing her, and I was so confused…was she actually talking about me? Because I used like three finger tips to give her a tiny prod in the direction that the lady wanted her to move, and also it was to get her fucking gross Aztec sweater out of my face.

So then she ran over to the lone guy in their crew and hysterically cried, “THAT BITCH PUSHED ME!” but as I would find out later, she wasn’t the one in the group he was fucking, so he just looked at me and then looked at her and shrugged.

Two of her other friends were oblivious to her plight, and instead continued performing their bizarre, primitive vagina dance which involved them leaning back in their best Limbo pose while facing each other, and making sensual “offering” motions with their hands above their crotches. So I’m like completely mesmerized by this weird menstrual witch jig when I suddenly feel a sharp blow to my ribcage because Aztec Sweater finally found a friend who cared, and that friend—a frumpy bitch in a plum sweater—wedged herself in between me and the nice, normal girl who was originally standing to my left, and proceeded to passive aggressively assault me with her basic bitch elbow while the THAT BITCH PUSHED ME dialogue continued.

Like, really. You’re going to stand there and play these middle school games, like you’re trying to bully me in the back of the classroom while the teacher has her back turned? Because that’s what that shit felt like.

So I dug my feet into the floor and started to push back into her because bitch, you picked the wrong girl. I wasn’t going to move.

But I also wasn’t going to ruin Chooch’s night. Because by this point, my whole body felt like a whistling tea kettle. I could hear the blood rushing into my head, like sheet metal crashing in my ears. I was starting to shake, because what I really wanted to do WAS GRAB THIS BITCH BY THE HAIR. Not even the girl I supposedly pushed! But this fucking plum tunic hag. I wanted to actually fight her and it has been a long time since I felt this out of control in public, and I had literally zero sips of alcohol in me. No, this bitch alone was bringing out pure, unadulterated, primal rage.

Then I looked up and saw Chooch, applauding in between songs, and got myself in check real quick.

CONSEQUENCES, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

This isn’t to say I was going to stand there and be steam-rolled by this fucker. So I turned and tapped her on the arm.

“Excuse me, but I didn’t PUSH your friend,” I yelled into her ear.

“WELL THAT LADY YELLED AT US AND TOLD US TO MOVE AND THERE’S NOWHERE FOR US TO GO SO YOU HAVE TO MOVE TOO!” she yelled back, sounding like an actual brat. I mean, that staff lady didn’t YELL at them, she was just trying to do her job.

“I’ve been standing here since before The Summer Set went on, and my kid is right up there, so no, I’m not moving,” I said, and I was so surprised at how RATIONAL AND NON-HYSTERICAL I SOUNDED. I realllly didn’t want Chooch to turn around and see his mom acting like white trash. 

“OK, well then we’re good here!” she yelled, like suddenly everything had changed now that she knew I’M A MOM and not just another basic OSU bitch? I mean, she said it in a totally asshole-y way without a DROP of sincerity, but she moved out of my personal bubble and her fucking elbow never touched me again, and then in a strange twist of events, the weird vagina dancers actually became pretty amusing to me and we had several moments throughout the night where we laughed at things together and I know that infuriated the other two girls WHO I WILL NEVER BE COOL WITH IN REAL LIFE, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS, I don’t care how much Aztec Sweater looked like Missy Franklin and I LOVE MISSY FRANKLIN.

I can’t even put into words how much it ruined my night, my weekend, my joy of being at a concert, my faith in humanity (not that I had much to begin with but still). Shows are safe zones for me. It’s where I feel at home and comfortable in my skin, where I can leave my stress and tension at the door, and I want Chooch to feel that way too. But all this shit was playing out right behind him and even though he never turned around and saw it all, he was still annoyed by these people for his own reasons. It made me feel like I put him in a potentially unsafe situation and that’s a really terrible feeling for a parent.

But he still said he had a great time, and the guitar tech gave him a pick (you can see that in the end of the below video!).

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I pretty much raged about this to Henry during the entire three hour drive back home to Pittsburgh and he was like, “OK what do you want me to do” because he’s so SUPPORTIVE, so then I texted Chris and Monica who TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD AND WERE ON MY SIDE SO THERE HENRY. And I’m not going to lie, I kind of half-expected them to follow us outside after the show and start shit with me again, so I spent the rest of the show trying to put together some kind of game plan in my head, which was basically just COMING IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL.

And then running.

There were like six of them!

Well, four. Those vagina dancers were way too drunk to fight.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Because I don’t know about you, but I try to live my life without getting stabbed or thrown in the slammer. 

*****

I was down about it all day yesterday at work. I only told Glenn, Todd, and Wendy because even just talking about it made me feel so shitty all over again. I’m so glad that these things happen so rarely, because I would probably never go to a show again.

When I saw Chooch after work, I asked him if he told his friends about going to see The Summer Set.

“No, not really,” he said, because his school friends just don’t relate to these things. “Well, I did tell them about how that one girl spilled her beer on my leg.”

UGH GREAT. MOTHER OF THE FUCKING YEAR.

Now that Chooch is back at it with piano lessons, Henry and I have been trying to make the most of the hour of freedom we get on Sunday mornings. Chooch’s instructor Cheryl lives in Lawrenceville now, so we just leave the car parked near her house and meander about like we’re a real life couple or something. Today, we went to Butterwood Bake Consortium for, you know, cake and consorting.

Obviously, I was all about this joint because its aesthetic is like, goth-lite. Neo-Victorian. Shabby nouveau. I don’t know. I’m making these things up. But it really appealed to me and I made myself at home on a church pew. Henry’s big lumberjack body nearly knocked over the table when he crammed his blue collar ass into the dainty chair. He was so angry about being in this place, which made it even better. However, he sure had no qualms with forking his vanilla pecan & lemon curd cake into his moustachioed maw.

That cake was a thousand thumbs-up emojis. We also got a piece of Olive Oil and Lavender cake for later and now that it’s post-later, I can tell you that it was a thousand and five thumbs-up emojis. (I LOVE LAVENDER SO MUCH! Lavender and maple. Those are my jams. Separately though. I’m not palate professor but I don’t think those two flavors would pair well together.)

The pour-over serves two but Henry is some weird anti-coffee hobo and kept his cup turned over the whole time, like how rude.

Afterward, we came home and Henry went grocery shopping so that my co-workers won’t threaten to call CYS on him anymore. Chooch and I decided to go for a leisurely stroll around the ‘hood since we spent so much of yesterday being stuck in the car. Plus, today was way more beautiful and warm than yesterday and we gotta make the most of this tolerable weather before the dreary Pittsburgh winter keeps us cloistered in our miserable fortress for the next several seemingly unending months. OMG I’M ALREADY BEGINNING TO PANIC. STOP WITH THE CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS ALREADY! LET’S ENJOY FALL!

Anyway, we call this lumbercasual. Here, you will see Chooch reppin’ the Stheart beanie, Emarosa shirt, Mossimo flannel (probably? Henry bought it last night when Chooch and I were at the Summer Set show and he cruised around Columbus running errands like a good housewife) and Vans. I don’t know what his jeans are and I don’t care. Do you care? EXACTLY.

We chose one of the alleys of Brookline for this fauxtoshoot. Chooch was actually very agreeable and we didn’t fight at all! BECAUSE HENRY WASN’T THERE.

MOODY AF.

I wanted him to sit on the steps but he was like, “Uh, there’s broken glass on every step, so no.” Teamwork.

[Chooch just paused whatever game he’s playing on his DS to squint at CNN and ask, “Is that Katie McGinty?” Whyyyy does he know so much about politics?! Friday morning, I overheard him ask his friend, “Did you watch that Trump/Hillary roast last night?!” and of course his friend was like, “Um, the fuck is that? No.” So then Chooch told him his favorite parts to a resounding response of *CRICKETS*.]

And now we’re gearing up for The Walking Dead. I’m already emotional. Why do we do this to ourselves?!

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

Hey guys it’s Riley back again with a review, a haunted house review. So its 2016 finally back in October, back in haunted house season!
So we went to three already and I’m going to tell you about all three.

Hundred Acres Manor

Hundred Acres Manor wasn’t that good this year but it was still pretty cool. Daddy took us to Hundred Acres Manor. So yeah, you probably guessed I asked daddy to let me use his phone, and he was pissed but I didn’t care. Anyway when we got there daddy started to watch T.V. Shows on his phone like NCIS and Person of Interest. We got in line and i saw a kid that was in 6th Grade at my school, lets call him Paul. But that’s not important, whats important is there was a costume, a person, a person in a costume, A CHAP STICK COSTUME!!!! It was a weird costume but awesome. I was hoping for a fist bump for when i got up front and she did it! I was so happy.

Okay so to the important stuff. When we went in (Finally) it was the exact same as every other year (I WASN’T SCARED) so of course it started with the elevator then, I don’t remember what was next but i do remember this part where there was a guy getting shocked/executed and Paul was scared to go past because the (fake) guy getting executing was blocking the way. So Paul finally jumped out of the way and we got to move on. Then the group in front of us since the group in front of the group we were in (Paul’s Group is the group in front of our group I forgot to mention we weren’t originally in their group) were going so slow we caught up to them. So there was this part where a zombie was above you trying to get down but there is a rail in the way, so he pushes it down and he starts going like *Ahhhh* and this guy (lets call him Joey) was going clueless as hell and didn’t know where to go so Joey was just like *DOOOY* and there was clearly black plastic strips you had to walk through and we were just standing there in perpetuity.

So instead of writing every freaking detail I’ll just tell you the new parts. So instead of having the maze there was an Alien Part where we were going through a UFO of some sort and this General guy told ME (SPECIFICALLY) not to touch ANYTHING in the UFO thingy so I listened and didn’t touch anything. Oh and also it’s good to be petite because I don’t have to duck in the like cave parts where it swoops down and adults have to duck to get under. All I have to do is nothing. I just keep walking. I don’t have to duck or anything.

Then we went into some house that had music playing *Mr.Sandman Specifically* and Children’s Drawings all over the walls  *UGH SO CREEPY* and the lady who lived there lived right next to the Space Craft thingy. So I told her “Are you aware you live next to a giant Space Craft?” and she said “Of course! It’s the best part of living here” (She doesn’t actually live there for the people who thought ‘Wow, she lives in the property of Hundred Acres Manor!’ No she role-play’s like she lives there obviously.)

That was the last part I think. So when we left the building there was a table with two guys giving out some like TEAM NUTZ slip thing and mommy thought it was for bands playing somewhere but then she realized “Oh” its… these. So yeah that is this part of this (Essay?) If you enjoyed this part, comment “Vote H4M”

 Allen’s Haunted Hayride & Tavern of Terror

Okay so to start off Me, Mommy, Blake, and his girlfriend Haley went to Allen’s Haunted Hayride first, then we went to the Tavern of Terror.

Okay so we got in line and it was horrible because it was muddy and stuff, so my shoes got dirty. Well they didn’t really get dirty but they were pretty dirty. We finally made it to the Hayride and the first significant parts was that there were TMNT people and they through candy into the hayride and mommy got a piece and i wrestled her and got it and she whined and said “Ha! I found another one!” and I wanted to take it. So she whined the whole time. The second significant part was there was a part with clowns, and Haley hates clowns, so I said “Take her she hates clowns!” so they got in her face and she was freaking out.

The next significant parts was there was  “The REAL Michael”  came, and you’ll see why I call him that in a second. So there was a fake Michael Myers and then mommy was like “That’s creepy” then the “actual” Michael ran at us and Mommy slid away so when I tried to lean back on mommy I hit the girl sitting next to her. Mommy said “OH THAT’S THE REAL MICHAEL!” and moved away and then Michael crouched/tea-bagged me. Okay then there were these girls at the other side of the tractor and they were talking to this guy (said to be named Avery by the girls) and he was supposed to be their friend, but I don’t think he was.

Then one of the Allen’s who sat with the driver got kicked off of the tractor because he was smoking. So we were like “Yeah, You can’t smoke on the tractor.”

So that was the Hayride! If you enjoyed this part go comment “Vote H4YR1D3”

This is the of Terror and there was no one in line for it so we were the first to go in. But we kinda had to wait because the nurse wasn’t in her spot. In the enterance there was a pirate and he told me to go first so I did and there was the bar first. And  there was a bartender and a pirate, like I told you about. There was also another part where you walk through a tunnel and there are these gloved hand that grab you and it’s weird.

There was also a carnival with the Joker and the main attraction Shark-Ini, but he’s gone and you have to escape before he finds you. You had to walk through this mirror tunnel, which was trippy as hell. There was a monster guy who looked a little like Sloth from The Goonies.

If you enjoyed this part go comment “Vote B33R”

Mommy told Jason that daddy was scared of him so Jason stared at daddy.

Demon House

So for Demon House I went with Blake and Haley again, but my friend, Dimajio went, too so it was an 1 hour away so it was a boring ride because Maj (What I call Dimajio) was listening to music. But we did play a game on the way there. Okay so skip ahead about 45 minutes, we were in the parking lot of the Demon House van that took you to Demon House. So me and Maj had Gatorade’s and mine was empty so we played catch and football with it. So we did that for another 45 minutes. Then finally, Blake and Haley got there. So we finally got to go in the van to get to Demon House. So I forgot to mention it was Maj’s first haunted house. He said he wasn’t scared. Maj also told me if I or an actor jumped at him he would punch me or them.

So we got our numbers and stamps that told us we were number 9, to go in. We waited for them to call our number’s and when they did we got to sit down and wait even more. So Maj got jump scared by a ghost groundskeeper and he almost punched him across the face, but he stopped himself in time. So the whole time we were walking through Maj was holding me or Blake in front of him “Because he wasn’t scared.” We were being chased by a chainsaw guy and Maj freaked out and I thought he was going to run home. Mommy ran for her life and I only ran because the chainsaw touched me. Maj ran for the hills, if I didn’t say before.

Then we were playing hide & seek with some girl’s brother and if he found us we were dead. The whole time we were being pushed by Maj through a dark tunnel. Luckily we weren’t found. There was a carnival part and it was creepy as hell. Well Maj was really scared. There was a clown at the end of this weird fence zig-zag we were going through and he screamed in my ear and my eardrum popped.

Well that was the end of the haunted house, but we still did more stuff.

Me and Maj got Hot Apple Cider and BBQ Lays. But daddy gave me 4$ for balloon pop 3 pins for 1 dollar. So I had 2 dollars and Maj had 2 dollars, so we both got 6 pins. He popped 1 balloon his first try and I popped none. Then with out three last pins I popped 2 balloons and he popped 1. Maj got to get 2 glow sticks and I got bubbles. There was a movie playing called “Dead Alive” and me and Maj hated it, it was so fake. Mommy said “Well, Of Course. It’s supposed to be.”

On the way back home we got a Basket of Fries from McDonald’s and they were good. Well that brings an end to my review. If you enjoyed this part comment “Vote D3M0N”

Hopefully you vote, oh and you can’t vote twice. Good Bye!

I remember when I was little, whenever I would accomplish something amazing (which was often, lol’ing all the livelong day), my Pappap would ask me where I wanted to have my celebration dinner and of course I’d pick somewhere nice where I could order myself a fucking lobster, you know? Because what grade school kid doesn’t do that?

Right?

But when my dumbo son gets straight As on his first report card of the year and we ask him where he wants to eat, he says Eat n Park.

Goddamn Eat n Park, you guys. That’s the place we go when Henry doesn’t feel like cooking because we can walk there and it requires little deliberation, and then one of us usually has a bad experience and complains about it for the rest of the night.

I mean, it’s OK. The salad bar is OK. The grilled cheese is fine. It’s all fine. Sigh.

I tried to talk him out of it because I wanted some type of curry in a bad way, so we started fighting about it in the car and Chooch yelled, “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT STRAIGHT As! LET’S GO WHEREVER MOMMY WANTS TO GO, EVERYONE!” and I fucking hate that he’s so good at this.

“I’M HALF THE REASON YOU GOT STRAIGHT As!” I screamed back, while Henry openly wept behind the steering wheel. “I MADE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN!!!!”

UGH!!!

But we went to stupid EAT N PARK god forbid, because Chooch controls everything, it’s the motherfucking CHOOCH SHOW.

Maybe I’ll eat curry in my dreams tonight.

Here are some random photos of my kid around town from last weekend.

This is his kind of cat.

Brookline’s lit every Sunday at 6.

This is a mural behind Las Palmas, a Mexican grocery store that lures hipsters to Brookline in droves thanks to its famous taco cart. It used to just be some kind of garage door thing but then what I can assume was an ardent, brain cell-minimalist Trump supporter spray-painted some gross racial sentiment on it, something like “go back to Mexico” but maybe worse. Fucking assholes. Anyway, this beautiful mural was painted with love over top of it.

GTFO with your hate. Maybe go build a wall around your house and never leave it.

And that’s all. Our weekend was pretty chill and uneventful, which is what I promised Henry after the previous weekend was busting at the seams with all of the things he hates.

How is next weekend the pie party already?!?!

After proving that Chooch & I can be trusted to make it through a day alone at Kennywood, we decided to try it again this summer too. SPOILER: we made it again!

So this was last Tuesday when this shining example of bravery of Big Kid Pants went down. I took the day off work so that Chooch and I could get one last totally excellent day out of the quickly waning summer, and it was beautiful. The weather, the company, the crowd-level—the whole day was just so fucking GOOD.

(Except for Henry not being able to make oh there, but whatevelyn–we persevered without his calloused hand to hold.)

(Sorry, Henry, but somehow Chooch and I seem to get along better when you’re not around — probably because we’re not fighting for your attention. Sigh.)

We elbowed and shoved past a gaggle of shambling elder-zombies who were bottle-necking the damn entrance. Like, run guys! IT’S KENNYWOOD! Ugh, I hate people who aren’t in a hurry.

The first ride we went on was the Phantom’s Revenge, where I was reminded by the amused yet moderately concerned looks given to me by the guys in front of us that I am a fucking fool on this coaster. I don’t know why I even bother riding it because it feels like a death wish every time! But then it pulls back to the station and I’m like, “FUCK YEAH, I’M SO GLAD I SUGGESTED THAT WE RIDE THIS!” And Chooch is like, “Cool let’s go on again!” and I’m like, “Maybe next year.”

We did end up going on it again later and I think I sincerely alarmed the mom and young girl in front of us. My mouth man, I can’t stop what comes out of it on some of these rides.

This kid was in front of for the Exterminator and I couldn’t imagine why his parents were yelling at him for swinging on the railings and being generally spastic until Chooch finally said, “I think he’s alone” and then we panicked that he would try to ride with us, like that time we got saddled with some weird little kid on Delgrosso’s version of the Exterminator who wasn’t tall enough to ride without an adult, but thank god the ride attendants sent him off alone in his own car, BON VOYAGE MOTHERFUCKER.

I love that Chooch is at an age where he too dislikes children.

Noah’s Ark brought the whale back and changed a bunch of the interior which is a huge improvement but I can barely remember what it used to be like, so yay!

Stoked to be in a whale’s mouth or to be behind that striped ass? Only Chooch knows.

One thing didn’t change though: Chooch and I were giddy as fuck up in that ark. How can you not be? God, dark rides are just the best. I wish I was in charge of Kennywood. I would put in at least two more. Maybe have someone recreate the old Castle Dracula from Wildwood and 100% rebuild La Cachot so we could have new generations of devious children calling it the Lick-a-Shit like they invented it.

OK new life goal: OWN A DAMN AMUSEMENT PARK.

Don’t fuckin’ judge me, Noah!

Then it was Turtle Time!

Some mom-type turned to me in line for the Turtles and asked, “Are you guys having fun?”

Wow, how nice, I thought. That this stranger-mom cared about our fun quotient.

But it turned out she mistook us to belong with the school group that was there on a field trip.

“WE’RE THE CHARTER BUS 16 GROUP FROM MRS. BLAHBLAH’S CLASS!” the chattiest of the children said to me, like it was some sort of BRAG or something. Like, cool story, IDGAF?

Meanwhile, the chaperone had completely turned her back on us once it was revealed that Chooch and I were just commoners and not part of some stupid field trip.

That kid kept talking to me and finally Chooch was like, “MOMMY STOP TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH KIDS OMG.”

Well sorry that no one my own age wanted to talk to me!

Seriously though, we get such a fucking kick out of the Turtle and if you ever wanted to see Chooch and me in our true forms, this would be a good time. We practically choke and gag on our laughter but then Chooch unfailingly gets too close to the opening of the turtle and I start screaming, “MOVE OVER! YOU’RE GOING TO FALL OUT!” and he’s like, “OH, OK ‘MOM'” and then we start cracking up again and that’s when we start to notice that no one else around us seems to be consumed by our level of hysteria, so what are they doing wrong!?

Oh Christ, I started to lose my voice before we even made it through the first hour. I’m a fucking hyena at these places.

Guys, oh guys, let me tell you a story about this little old ride called Enterprise. It looks like a Ferris wheel laying on its side but then it starts spinning and before you know it, you are upside down and nothing has you strapped down! I have always loved this ride and I think it’s because it’s one of the first grown-up rides I rode on my own as a child and I felt like such a fucking bad ass.

But this one time, pre-third grade, I was at Kennywood with my friend Kristen and her family. I do not remember a single other thing about this day except riding the Enterprise with Kristen, and as I exited the car, it swung back and caught me on the back of my heel.

And it fucking killed, man.

I vaguely remember not being very comfortable with Kristen’s family so I didn’t want to cry in front of them, so I tried to downplay it but I was bleeding through the back of my (ruffled) sock. They must not have deemed it necessary for a trip to the first aid shack, because I have a VIVID memory of going back to  my house in South Park and having to soak my socked foot in the bathtub because my sock had adhered to the exposed wound thanks to the CONGEALED BLOOD.

It took so long for that cut to heal too, because of its location.

Now this ride is called the Volcano and it’s almost always closed — apparently they were having a hard time finding a part that they needed to repair it? Maybe I dreamt that? I’m not the Kennywood Insider, for fuck’s sake.

When we saw that it was actually opened, Chooch cried, “OMG I finally get to ride it?!”

People around us in line are always so jealous of our glamour lives.

When we boarded our desired car, Chooch tensed up.

“This is it? We just….sit here? There isn’t a seatbelt or a harness or CHAINS TO HOLD US DOWN WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.”

I tried to explain that it was science-y physics centifiblahblah something or other, oh just shut up and enjoy the ride, my child!

Oh man, even the WHIRRING SOUND of this damn thing takes me back to better days, when people were losing pocket change on the Flying Carpet and the Pirate Ship didn’t literally make me seasick.

Our day was off to a great start, and I know this because we made it AT LEAST three hours before calling Henry!

****

This is taking me so long to write, because if we’re being frank here, I AM STALLING. I know that technically the calendar says we have a few more weeks of summer, but let’s be real: summer is done. School’s back in session. This day was our last hurrah and as soon as I put it in words, that’s it–the last thread of summer is going to be yanked from my soul.

Ugh. I’ll be back with tales of Lemon Equality and JOHNNY’S SISTER OOH LA LA.

First day of fifth grade, how did it come to this? I literally have to do nothing now in terms of getting him ready for school. Like, I wake him up. That’s it. No more micromanaging.

His friend Dimajio arrived early so they could play Xbox, just like last year, so at least some things are the same.

Omg I’m going to start crying on the trolley.

“Let’s try to go the whole year without the school calling,” I said to Chooch, hugging him goodbye on the sidewalk.

Dimajio laughed. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen!”

Ugh, me either.

This concludes the obligatory “how did my kid get so old/where did the time go/lets go back five years” post. :(

FINAL WARPED TOUR 2016 POST, I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD. YOU HAVE MY WORD! But I would be remiss to close the chapter without allowing Chooch to provide his side of the story. Really, he’s only doing this because he gets to use my laptop to answer the questions and for some reason, this is like a huge deal to him, I have no idea why. I guess it’s like when my mom used to let me use her typewriter?

Dear Chooch, this was your fourth Warped Tour. MUCH AWE! Do you feel like a pro at this point?

Yes, I feel like a pro because now that I’ve been there 4 times I know where everything is. So jokes on you, lazy people on your couch reading this piece of crap blog. I know what to do when you first get in, you run straight to the VANS tent and say a secret word to get free stuff! Stuff a beginner wouldn’t know.

Please tell us who Courtney is and why you’re so AFRAID OF HER:

Courtney is a girl who was in 7th grade when I was in 1st and she liked me, but I didn’t like her that much. So mommy bullies me and says I like her and I blush when I see her. BUT I DON’T (flips table). I’m also not scared of her so shut up with these mean questions.

THEN HOW COME EVERY YEAR WHEN WE SEE HER AT WARPED TOUR, YOU GET ALL STUPID AND GIGGLY WHEN SHE SWEETLY SAYS, “HEY RILEY! WHAT BANDS ARE YOU GOING TO SEE?” Lol-forever.

I’m not answering that.

Say your old as fuck 4th grade teacher has never heard of Warped Tour before. How would you explain it to her? (We are currently arguing because I’m “allowed” to swear on my blog and he’s not, lol.)

Well I would say to her that she doesn’t need to know because she can barely walk 1 mile, so to walk about 7 miles would be an instant heart attack for her. So maybe when you’re younger, OH WAIT!

How the hell did you manage to score a free shirt at the Truth tent? 

Well it started when the TRUTH guys were calling for people to come over and play a game. So he said “Who wants some free shit!” so I said “WOOO” and he told me to come over and play the game. So we waited and waited for other people, there was already a couple people. So finally we started, and we played the floor is lava. So we had to jump on small bricks and the last person had to pick them up on the way across the lava pool. Our team won first so we got to go up to the free shirts at the tent then everyone else got to go up.

You had some dude make you a tshirt that said “Dick Pic” and featured a picture of Donald Trump. Obviously you CANNOT EVER WEAR THAT TO SCHOOL, but here is your platform to tell the Internet how you feel about the current presidential race:

Well I think Ronald Dump is a mother(bleeping) scumbag and he can go (bleep) himself. Why can’t Obama secretly run for president again and win so we can have him for 8 more years so we can live in peace and not have a stupid wall. Screw you Dump.

OK so Emarosa basically made all of our dreams come true. Pretend you’re Henry telling his WORK-HUSBAND DAVE about what happened:

Well first I would say: “Oh sup Dave my bruh. So me and my “girlfriend” be driving to da Warped Tour and be watching dis band who be singing the songs we be liking. Den we be walking up hill to der tent to meet Bradley. And me was out of breath because u know me old as hell.”

When did Daddy turn into a pirate? Anyway, next question. Remember when you ruined my life during Hail the Sun’s set? TELL ALL YOUR FANS ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.

Oh yeah. When I really wanted to play Pokémon Go but you wouldn’t let me because oh god forbid you couldn’t hear me even though I could hear myself. So yeah.

The PETA2 people successfully turned you into a vegetarian — for now, anyway. Tell everyone about the exhibit we saw there and how it made you feel, using the biggest words you know:

Well it was flabbergasting, the tent, it had clothes and shoes that was made out of anthropomorphic skin and flesh. But of course it wasn’t legitimate skin it was fraudulent skin. They had sorority girl uggs made out of humanistic skin and they even had leather jackets made out of bipedal skin. So yeah. It was weird. They had it because they wanted payback for using animal hide and skin for clothes and shoes.

What were some of your favorite merch booths there this year?

Some of my favorite merch booths would have to be….

5- The Twix Booth. The Twix Booth was a booth where you got to try Left Twix and Right Twix. Right Twix was the best because it was bigger and more rich with chocolate. Then you get to get a picture taken of you with your choice of Twix, so yeah.

4- The Peta2 Tent. This tent was cool because (see above)…

3- Choonimals Booth- The Choonimals booth was just a clothing booth, but had really cool looking tanks and shirts to wear at Warped Tour. The shirts have zombie animals and stuff that look cool.

2- TRUTH VAN- This was a cool van wear you play games or dance for free stuff. So it’s a win/win.

1- Vans Tent. So this tent was a tent you go to at the beginning of the day to get free stuff like a water bottle, glasses, and wallets. But you need a secret code Warped Tour posts on their Instagram.

How many Twix do you think you ate that day from the Twix booth?

Well I think I ate about 3 Twix, 2 when I first saw the tent then 1 when the were giving them at out for whoever passed.

Remember when we ditched Henry twice? Hahaha that was so great.

Yeah, it was funny. He just walks around like “Doyyyy, No ones watching me so I can scratch my butt and pick my nose and daydream about Dave.”

You met up with Bradley a second time that day, when I was off watching some other band. What did you talk about that time? AND STOP MEETING THE WHOLE ENTIRE BAND WITHOUT ME, YOU JERK-DICK.

Well, they were doing signings, so I went over and said hi. Then Bradley asked for our address so he can send us stuff, but we forgot to so now he can’t send us stuff. ): Also shut up! I do what I want.

I found out at Warped Tour that you’re apparently obsessed with Chunk! No, Captain Chunk. When did this happen and tell the kind people of the Internet what they’re like.

Well it started when I first saw it on my IPhone 3, mommy downloaded one of their songs on it so I wondered who are they. So when they were at the Ampitheater I was like “I want to see them!” So we did. They are a French Pop Punk band. So I like them because when Bertrand Poncet (The Singer/Vocalist) said Pittsburgh, he said “Peetsborgh” So yeah. I just really like them.

OK so you like Warped Tour, but you hated Bled Fest? EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Bled Fest was bae.

Well Bled Fest had no bands that I liked it was all like bands that you like, so I hate them. (except Emarosa, PTV, Chunk, No Captain Chunk! ETC.)

If you were making a Warped Tour 101 video, what would you tell people to expect about spending a whole day running back and forth between 6 stages?

Well I would say “Wear Tennis shoes not dress shoes or fancy shoes, you’re going to an outside concert with many people (most likely to rain) you’re not going to a ballet recital.”

What age do you think you’ll be when you start going without me and Henry? (I mean, obviously I’ll still be there because I’M NOT MISSING WARPED TOUR just to save you from being embarrassed in front of your dumb friends.)

Well I would be about 18-20 (If it lasts that long) but you’re not going with me and also I have no friends, so deal with it.

Oh shut up, you do have friends. They’re just cool enough yet to like good music, lol. Name 5 bands you hope will be at Warped Tour next year.

Ok easy! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

5- Pierce The Veil.

4- Emarosa.

3- Chunk! No, Captain Chunkhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grOz8I2PKrE!

2- JuleVera

1- The Summer Set.

Well thanks for even reading this piece of crap blog. I’m surprised my mom has friends! Please if you read this don’t comment, just dislike this. It’s my moms blog for gods sake!

Sometimes I feel like I’m toeing the MOMMYBLOG line, and other times I feel like “wait have I mentioned my child enough on the Internet this month for him to be real?”

So here are some updates about that kid who gave me a SCAR THAT STILL TINGLES.

1. camp

Chooch is in camp.

I’m not quite sure what he does in camp because every time he starts talking about it, I drift off. Not relevant to my interests, you know?

So he’s been in camp for most of July now and seems to really love it. They do academic shit in the morning and then Venture Outdoors comes in and take them outside to do things. Apparently he went fishing (and had lots of things to say about NICO*, like how NICO is the most popular kid at camp so of course NICO was the only kid that caught a fish, THAT DICK) and geocaching oh thank god. You know how he loves his fucking geocaching.

*(UPDATE: Chooch and Nico are bros now.)

But all of this almost didn’t happen when the bus never showed up for him on the first day of camp. I was already en route to work on the trolley so I basically just short-circuited because I’m unable to think logically when things don’t go as planned. Luckily, Henry was able to get a hold of HOT NAYBOR CHRIS who drove him to camp (it’s just at a school on the other side of our town, like a 2 mile walk and maybe if it was 1987 I would tell him to just hoof it but hello, it’s 2016 and the world is full of danger. So hooray for HNC being a hero!

(I spelled “hooray” like this at first: hurray. I need help.)

So then Henry was all, “You’re going to have to tell work that you’re going to be late tomorrow because someone needs to wait for the bus with him to make sure it comes this time” and of course I wanted to die because ew parenting. So I told Glenn what was going on and he was all, “OK? Why are you telling me?” and I was like, “Hello because that’s our new protocol? To tell Stupid Team Lead Glenn when we’re going to be late?!” Literally we were just told to do this like a week prior and he already forgot.

The next morning, I dragged Chooch down to the street corner where this mystical bus was supposed to vaporize. Henry told me what time it was supposed to be there, which I immediately forgot, and then something about waiting because it could be late? I gave up pretty immediately, because waiting for school buses just isn’t for me. I was totally stressed out and when the lady whose house we were standing in front of came out with her dog, I felt the need to psychotically explain to her what we were doing.

Now, this lady only lives 5 houses down from me and I have seen her a thousand times, but we never talk.

I always thought she seemed bitchy, but when I told her about the bus incident from the day before, she became concerned.

“Where is the camp? Do you want me to drive him?”

Like, totally neighbor-like, you know?

I felt inclined to maybe wait a few more minutes for the bus, since I had really only given it five minutes before wanting to give up.

My texts to Henry were pretty ridiculous and panic-stricken. Chooch was calm, though.

Neighbor went back inside with her dog and I was like, “Oh thank god, now I can call Henry and scream at him.” So that’s what I was doing when Neighbor came back outside with her coffee cup.

“It still didn’t come?” she asked incredulously. “Come on, let’s go. I’ll drive him. I have 6 grandkids, this is just what I do.”

This was one of those THINK, ERIN! moments. On one hand, I was tired of standing there waiting for a make believe bus.

But then….stranger danger.

But then we introduced ourselves, so that’s OK right? Her name is Catherine. I could just tell Henry, “Well, I don’t know why he didn’t come home from camp, Henry. I mean, I saw him get in Catherine’s car and then they drove off together, presumably in the right direction.”

LUCKILY the bus pulled up the curb right then so I shoved him on and then literally ran all the way to the trolley and GUESS WHO WAS A PARENT AND STILL MADE IT TO WORK ON TIME?

(And um, don’t worry people, I probably wouldn’t have let Catherine take him. Probably.)

(Speaking of Catherine, I said hello to her this morning and she acted like she didn’t even know who I was, WOW JUST WOW. I thought we shared something that morning.)

2. that fucking Doll.

I went to get into bed the other night when I felt HAIR on my pillow. Like real life hair. So I screamed, “OMG WHAT IS THAT?!” which woke up Henry, and then I proceeded to go back for seconds and thirds while screaming, “OMG SRSLY WHAT IS IT?!” and Henry was all, “YEAH SO KEEP TOUCHING IT” while I nearly knocked over the lamp in my effort to turn it on. Turns out it was that motherfucking doll. Man. Just when I thought Doll was dormant.

Well played, Chooch.

3. Summer Accusations

On two separate occasions, I heard Chooch being screamed at by HNC’s fake wife. The first time, I was like, “DO NOT WANT TO DEAL” so I went back to painting and pretended like some psycho Yinzer wasn’t interrogating my kid, because I have to tell you, it’s not always worth defending him because he’s not always innocent, OK? It sounded like she was yelling about her porch lights, but whatever.

The second time, Chooch was outside with one of his friends when she started laying into him again about the same thing. But then Henry came home from the store so she retreated because she won’t yell at Chooch in front of us. As soon as Henry came in the house, I was like, “Wait for it…” and sure enough, she came back out and started Yinzer-yapping about it again. This time, I went outside and asked, “What’s going the problem out here?” because I WAS FEELING LIKE A FIGHT. She immediately lowered her voice and quickly said “Oh, I’m not blaming him, I just want him to know that if he knows who broke my lights, he can tell me.”

OH YEAH SURE PSYCHO. Believe me, no one is going to tell her if they accidentally break her shit because she flies off the handle so freely.

So she continued to talk about how it just sucks to leave the house at 5am for work and see that her lights are broken, and that they “mean a lot to her.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Are they HEIRLOOMS? Did Thomas Edison pass these down to her?!”

FRIENDS. These are literally those cheap ass sidewalk lights that you can get at the dollar store.

They cost like $3 at Dollar General.

SHE IS LITERALLY JUST BITCHING TO BITCH and also they’re not even broken, they were just knocked out of the ground.

Also I know Chooch didn’t do it because he knows to stay the fuck out of her yard because YOU NEVER KNOW IF SHE’S GOING TO STUFF YOU INTO HER OVEN.

The next day, Chooch ended up sleeping over his friend’s house and I decided that since he had an alibi now, this would be the perfect time for me to go out there and assault her stupid yard-bulbs with a baseball bat.

Henry frowned at this idea, so I removed the violence and destruction from the plan (sigh) and changed it to just “gently knocking them over” so then I could be all “OH BUT CHOOCH WASN’T EVEN HERE LAST NIGHT,  BETTER GET A NEW SUSPECT” but Henry said, “OR YOU COULD JUST LET IT GO.”

:(

(It’s probably a good idea that I listened to Henry because she just had a huge fight with HNC and another neighbor last weekend and I honestly thought I was going to have to call the cops. Don’t worry, I have audio of it.)

It’s going to be a long summer.

4. CHOOCH AND PURPLE PANTS!!!!!!

We were waiting to cross the street and Purple Pants walked by so I took this picture of her with Chooch!! That’s all.

5. Chooch vs. Meat

Every year after Warped Tour, Chooch decides he’s going to be a vegetarian (there is a lot of Peta2 propaganda there, which obviously doesn’t bother me because hello I’m a vegetarian) but then it fizzles out. However, this year he seems to really be trying and is pissed because there are no meatless options at camp. This goes hand-in-hand with the whole “parenting” thing I guess, but I didn’t know that he skipped lunch yesterday because of this! He said he told the lunch lady that he doesn’t eat meat, and she screamed, “TAKE THE TRAY!” Henry thinks he’s exaggerating but I have this scene painted so vividly in my mind that I refuse to consider that it could be hyperbolic. Anyway, Chooch ended up just eating a piece of bread for lunch?! I feel like there should be dietary options but I don’t feel like calling because I’m not Henry, so instead I put on my mom jeans tonight and made Chooch a PB&J to take with him tomorrow He supervised, don’t worry. I guess I did it right.

6. Probably Not a Serial Killer

Usually by the third day of a three day weekend, Henry, Chooch, and I are at each others throats. But I mean, that’s normal family talk, right? YOU LOVE ‘EM BUT YOU DON’T LIKE ‘EM.

Except that by some crazy act of god, we had an exceptionally peaceful day and actually, dare I say, ENJOYED each others company??

And this was all without the aid of roadside tent-purchased firecrackers!

How motherfucking un-American, I know.

We went to one of our favorite nature spots—Homewood Cemetery—and ran amok like morons (two of us, anyway), namedropped birds (one of us), and spent a good ten minutes enjoying the show a groundhog put on by peeking his adorable head out of a nearby hole (ALL OF US). So much nature and dead things!

Here are some photos.

Chooch serenaded his broken stick with a creepy rendition of Sarah McLachlan’s ASPCA-anthem “Angel.”

Surprisingly not pissing in the pond. “Looking for frogs” is their claim.

This shirt was one of my Gillcrest finds and I love it so much. Battle of the Network Stars ringer tee vibes all up on yo’ girl.

Reppin’ that Hotel Books sad boy scene. You know what they say about families that listen to emo together….

….they cry together?

He looks so put out as usual, but I’ll have you know Chooch and I entertained him right down to the individually-wrapped prunes on his cargo pockets. He only yelled at us and called us idiots about 29 times! A low number for one of our family outings.

Shit really got crunk (lol yeah I went back to 2003 and I’ll do it because I’m a blogging renegade) when Chooch found a rogue TENNIS BALL and we played CATCH in the CEMETERY and successfully intimidated some poor kid who was learning how to drive in mom’s SUV.

I think “playing catch” is something that people did before smartphones happened.

Our version of playing catch is more like imagining that Chooch is perched above a dunk tank.

Henry apparently “hurt his arm” from whaling the ball so hard at HIS LAST BORN SON.

I hurt my arm too, but my hurt happened the day before when we were doing YARDWORK at my pappap’s house and I used….wait for it…

….hedgeclippers for the very first time and wound up with a callous and arthritis.

I did it for like 45 minutes!

Which, if you ask Henry, is more like 20 minutes in Erin Time.

Even my mom was kind of like, “I can’t watch this” and went in the house.

After the cemetery (and after I nearly peed my pants because LOL PLAYING CATCH), we went to Millie’s for an ice cream cone lunch because that’s how we chose to celebrate the day, OK? Also, no cookouts to go to. We’re loners, Dottie.

I had pistachio rose and yogurt date — what a divine combo. It felt like a real mythical pairing, you know? Like I should have been straddling a Sphinx.

Chooch got CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA. God, his palate is so fucking pedestrian. I’m so embarrassed. What a piss-poor job I’ve done at parenting. Here’s my basic kid, World. All your intricate and sophisticated flavor profiles make him puke in his mouth.

We have to seat him by the nearest napkin dispenser everywhere we go. (SPEAKING OF NAPKIN DISPENSERS!!!)

Later that night, our GROWN ASS CHILD went to Dormont Park with Dimajio and his older sister to watch the fireworks. I was equally “WOOOO FREEDOM!’ and “OMG DO YOU THINK HE’S OK WITHOUT US?!”

I didn’t grow up as a city kid–I was allllll suburbs and sheltered, baby.  So it’s pretty interesting watching Chooch living that city kid life.

Anyway. That was how we chose to celebrate our 7/4 and it was hilariously perfect. Look at that, I guess sometimes I like these assholes, too.

Gotta tell you, pretty happy to slam the door on 4th grade. I don’t know what it was about this year, but it was tumultuous and drama-laden. I actually quit answering the phone every time the school called me because I just couldn’t deal—I’d listen to the voicemail and then have Henry call back. MOM OF THE YEAR, ALWAYS.

Grade-wise, everything was great! But Chooch hated one of his teachers (she’s old and out of touch, you guys) and the new gym teacher is apparently a real bitch. We thought Chooch was exaggerating but then Henry met her and confirmed.

So yeah! Last day of this shitty school year was Monday, and Chooch had a pretty severe hockey and Pierce the Veil hangover. We didn’t get back to Pittsburgh until after 1:00am, and well….Chooch didn’t have the “late shift” option like I did.

Somehow, he was in good spirits anyway.

Henry’s mom Judy has officially started her summer babysitting job and so far, they’re getting along; well, except for today when Chooch CALLED ME AT WORK because he got his stupid Loom* kit in the mail and Judy wouldn’t let him open it and he wanted my permission, so I said yeah sure, what’s the big deal, but then after work I found out she actually said she didn’t want him to take it outside because he’d lose the pieces. And I agree!

AND SO THE SUMMER OF CHOOCH & JUDY BEGINS.

*(Basically a craft thing where you make bracelets and crap out of what looks like the rubber spacers I had all up in my grill when I had braces, ugh.)

It’s been a week now since Bled Fest and I still haven’t been able to magically extract the words that have been coagulating inside my sludgy brain. When I’m super emotional about something, the ensuing posts tend resemble road kill in written word form. At least I recognize it!

A quick summary for anyone who hadn’t had the misfortune of hearing me ramble about Bled Fest and my building excitement over that last few months: it’s a smaller-scale music festival held inside a preforming arts high school in Howell, Michigan. I usually eyeball the lineup every year and quietly lament the distance between me and Michigan, and for some reason it never actually occurred to me to just say, “Hey yo, Henry — we’re going to this thing.”

What helped though was discovering how geographically close Howell is to where our pals Bill and Jessi live, and since Bled Fest takes place every Memorial Day weekend, visiting them afterward was just the perk necessary to get Henry on board.

The bands that play Bled Fest are typically punk, screamo, emo, and hardcore with some alt-rock and metal thrown in; usually a ton of my favorites are in the lineup. I knew even before this year’s lineup was announced that I was going to want to go, especially after torturing myself by watching YouTube videos of recent Bled Fests.

We arrived early enough to secure a parking spot because that’s a legitimate concern of Henry’s, whereas my only concern was OMG I HOPE NONE OF THE BANDS I LIKE ARE PLAYING AT THE SAME TIME!!!

We sat in the car for a little bit and witnessed the most heart-warming group hug ever. Girl in the floral tank rolled up and it quickly became clear that her homies hadn’t seen her in a long ass time, because she was nearly tackled. It was the most joyous way to start out this festival! But then I became sad because I was there with Henry and not a solid crew.

Sigh.

This is what happens when you’re an old broad who’s still immersed in the scene. And that being said, I admit that I had a certain blend of reservations — would I be stared at? Would it be uncomfortable? Would it be too rough on my brittle bones?

SO MANY UNKNOWNS!

But then we walked up to the school entrance and immediately because usurped by all the good vibes. The staff was so friendly and helpful, directing us to the wristband table before we even had a chance to look lost and confused! And then the wristband staffers were also completely wonderful! And then we got in line and no one made us feel like we didn’t belong or made rude gesticulations in our general direction!

And then the doors opened and the day just steadily climbed uphill from there! EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT! EVERYTHING WAS AMAZING!

Except for the 87 times Henry and Chooch attempted to ruin my day. But the solution was easy: they spent most of the day outside away from the music and I was free to enjoy every last band that I had traveled 6 hours to see.

• All Is Well
• Forever Losing Sleep
• Watermedown (almost had a vague Xiu Xiu-meets-pop punk vibe and I can’t decide if I liked that)
• Artifex Pereo
• The Cardboard Swords
• Sorority Noise
• Somos
• Adventurer
• The Saddest Landscape
• Amateur Eyes
• Citizen (I feel confident to say that they have very quickly climbed to the top rungs of my Favorite Bands ladder)
• Old Gray (fucking real screamo, please and thank you – I try not to be a genre Nazi but man I hate when people think that bands like Falling In Reverse are screamo)
• Tiny Moving Parts
• The World Is a Beautiful Place…
• The Beautiful Gorgeous
• Superheaven

By the time the very first started, I was absolutely overcome with sheer happiness and thought to myself giddily, “THIS IS FOR ME. THIS IS DEFINITELY THE PLACE FOR ME.” All the uncertainties and fears evaporated because I was where I belonged and I just knew the day was going to be magic.

You guys, I was at Bled Fest. Finally.

All Chooch cared about was: being VIP, when the VIP lounge opened, what was going to be available to eat in the VIP lounge, talking about the VIP lounge when he wasn’t already inside of the VIP lounge.

Guys, it was nothing glamourous. We paid extra just for one VIP ticket because it came with a Bled Fest t-shirt, screen print and tote bag (all things I was interested in) and all-day snacks and drinks (all things Chooch was interested in). Win/win.

Chooch was so tunnel vision about his VIP status that he actually had an alert set on his phone for when the VIP lounge opened, and at exactly 1pm he said “SEE YA” and off he went to slip behind the mysterious VIP screen into the land of cafeteria tables and a catered taco buffet.

This was a huge deal for him, and thank god for it because aside from Artifex Pereo, he was pretty much uninterested I everything there music-wise. I was disappointed that we weren’t making beautiful family memories together, but I had a lot to distract me.

Caught a few minutes of Copneconic because Chooch out of nowhere ran of into the room housing Stage F.

Sorority Noise was fantastic as usual.

They were playing on one of the main stages and that room (I think it was the cafeteria?

) was super hard to squeeze into because crowds gathered pretty quickly around the door. There was a slight surge though and I put my hands out in prayer-position and rode the wave into the middle of the room. I’m usually scared, as an older lady with brittle bones (honestly, I get hurt so easily!), being in the middle of crowds, but I felt really safe there. I had faith that if I got knocked out, someone would drag me out to the hallway for Henry to claim my clammy, haggard body.

I just saw Sorority Noise with Citizen in February, but both of their sets at Bled Fest were so much better. Because BLED FEST.

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I have been trying to see The Saddest Landscape for years now—my Facebook bio is “My face is the saddest landscape” as an homage to them; if you don’t know, now you know—and it was totally worth the wait. They played on a stage in the front lobby area of the school and introduced themselves as, “We’re the Saddest Landscape and we’re going to punch you in the heart.”

BY GEORGE, they did.

I have this conversation a lot, particularly at work, where I have to try to devise a sensible strategy to assist people in understanding why exactly I like “screaming” music. With the Saddest Landscape in particular, the music is actually quiet beautiful. Yes, there is singing/barking/shouting/screaming in lieu of traditional singing; but it’s the manner in which those words are conveyed that honestly break my heart. There is an aching to Andy Maddox’s vocals that makes it impossible not to feel something.

Unless you’re Henry.

He remained completely unaffected.

And Chooch was outside.

Amateur Eyes! John dyed his hair blue and I became convinced that this wasn’t actually Amateur Eyes after all, even though Chooch kept yelling, “YES IT IS, MOMMY, UGH!” So I didn’t ever say hello to him because I honestly didn’t believe it was him. I really need to get a second opinion on my eyes, I think. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY MY EYES ARE AMATEUR.

There were only two times during the entire day that I had any spare time to actually sit down and let me tell you, it was like my body had forgotten how to fold into a seated position. I sat outside in the grass with Henry and Chooch while my entire head rang and couldn’t wait to get back inside. Henry and I had very different opinions on the day, obviously.

The World Is…was playing on one of the main stages and it was my first time finally seeing them, and it was long overdue. I was actually washing my hands in the bathroom with their keyboardist and didn’t even realize it was her until I saw her on stage. So glad I didn’t say anything stupid which is usually what I tend to do at shows.

I’m at least not to the phase in my life where I tell dad jokes or say mom things like, “Your shoe is untied, dear.”

This song just slays toward the end.

Completely unimpressed.

Henry actually got to talk to Nate, the organizer of this whole thing! And I missed it! Of course I missed it! But I guess Nate came out of the VIP area and told Henry that it was totally cool if he wanted to go in there with Chooch instead of standing on the other side of the divider like a creeper.  He also told Henry to help himself to any of the food but Henry declined because we only paid for one VIP pass and WE ARE HONEST PEOPLE.

Although Chooch did bring me a mini Twix later that day and I totally inhaled it because I thought I was going to pass out.

(I was very irresponsible and only drank one bottle of water all day and then ate one piece of pizza around 5pm. And then I wondered why I almost collapsed during Citizen.)

I was going to see Tiny Moving Parts a few days before Bled Fest but their show fell on garbage night, and if you know anything that’s been currently going on in my life, then you know why garbage night is kind of “can’t miss” for me. So I passed on the Smiling Moose show and now I’m wondering what kind of turn out they had, since almost every show of that genre I’ve attended at the Smiling Moose has had less than 20 people there.

Their turnout at Bled Fest was nutz0rz though! So instead of standing around with a bunch of ambivalent Pittsburghers, I got to be stuffed into  a roomful of people going absolute ham.

And I made a friend! Some guy kept cutting out of the thicker part of the crowd to stand near me, but don’t get it twisted — it had nothing to do with attraction. I was standing near a giant fan and it was literally the best spot in the room. Every time he would come over, it was the same thing: a sheepish grin and some explanation of which I could only make out the word “fan.”

It’s OK, kid. I understood. I’ll share my fan with you.

During one of his visits, he offered Skittles to me and the two guys next to me. We all politely declined, but I sure did appreciate the offer.

Then he came back toward the end of Tiny Moving Parts because one of the straps of his backpack broke and he wanted me to help him fix it. I tied the most mentally-challenged knot in the world and we both shrugged and laughed about it.

BLED FEST IS THE BEST.

Henry’s official Bled Fest visage. He didn’t seem too angry by the time the night was over though, because there were plenty of tranquil places for him and Chooch to sneak away to. It’s a good thing that I’m so accustomed to going to shows alone or else my experience would have been a lot different.

I kept telling him that if he wasn’t going to stand around and watch the bands with me, then he could at least go to the merch village in the gym and buy me shit.

As it turned out though, the alone time was actually preferable. It was comforting knowing that I had people there somewhere, waiting in the wings, but I did enjoy the fact that I was free to be wherever I wanted to be, watching whatever band I wanted to watch, sweating profusely with all of my Bled Fest brethren. The Citizen set especially was euphoric, absolutely full of scene camaraderie and fist-thrusting sing-alongs.

You guys, a tall guy stood in front of me and then when he noticed the shrinking violet behind him, he actually apologized and moved back so that he was next to me instead. This never happens. My heart was bursting. My throat was burning from screaming to “The Night I Drove Alone.” My eyes were stinging with tears. My shirt was suctioned to my moist flesh and as I staggered down the hallway toward Chooch and Henry after the set, it made a sexual slurping noise as I peeled the fabric away from my skin.

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“You guys, it was so fucking sick!” I said breathlessly to the only two people in the hallway who blatantly looked like they gave no shits.

In fact, Chooch bragged that he fell asleep, right there on the floor of the hallway.

Fallujah was playing on the other stage right before Citizen and went over their set time. They kept saying things like, “We have time for more songs!” and everyone on the Citizen side of the stage started booing and chanting “Citizen” and a few people threw empty water bottles, but other than that, I didn’t experience any drama all day. (Except maybe during the Beautiful Gorgoeous’s set, but I’ll save that for another post.)

The very last band that I had had had to see was Superheaven. I saw them last September for the first time at Riot Fest and just couldn’t stop thinking about them, because you know how I get. You could say I have an obsessive personality. Anyway, they recently announced that this will be their last tour for awhile; not sure exactly if that means they’re done forever, or if this is a hiatus, but I wasn’t about to press my luck.

It was so good to see them again. Tay is a fucking pistol. His banter with the crowd in between songs is so entertaining but it makes me intimidated of him, like he might make fun of me if we make eye contact or something. Granted, that’s how I feel about humans in general though.

For as much as Henry acts like he doesn’t pay attention to what I like, he sure was excited to tell me that he and Chooch saw Tay earlier in the parking lot.

“He cut his hair,” said Henry, president of the scene hair census bureau.

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I woke up the next morning feeling like I could explode with happiness. All I wanted to do was talk and talk and talk about the day before and all the fucking amazing bands that we (I) saw and that at one point I was adamant about moving to Michigan, because their scene is just flat out AMAZE.

I’m still reeling at how wonderful and different Bled Fest was in comparison to other festivals I’ve been to. I have never felt so comfortable in a scenario like this before. Being around people like me, and having my day filled with the most cathartic music….It might not seem like much, but brother it meant the world to me.

***

Before you walk away from this thinking I’m such a sweet little princess, I should be completely up front here and tell you that after we left, I completely did a 180 in the car because I was exhausted and fucking STARVING, so I started berating Henry for not buying me anything from the merch village, because I’m a spoiled materialistic bitch. He never said a word either, just kept driving straight to Taco Bell and breathed a sigh of relief when it got quiet in the car on account of Chooch and I having our late night feeding.

Then I woke up the next morning and found a stack of records on the hotel table, which Henry bought for me at Bled Fest and didn’t even say anything to get me to shut my face the night before! I was really nice to him for the rest of the day.

Man, sometimes he’s pretty OK.

For an old guy.