I was having a bad morning yesterday but had some time to kill before walking to the dreaded trolley so I was pissing around on YouTube. I somehow stumbled across a video called TAEMIN’S PRECIOUS LAUGH so of course I watched it and within 5 seconds my mood had improved.
I texted it to Henry because I share all of the things with him, jury’s out on how he feels about this. Then I called him on my way to the trolley and this is how that convo went:

Me: DID YOU GET THE VIDEO I SENT YOU.

Henry: Um, that’s 7 minutes of Taemin laughing. I’m sure you watched every last second.

Me: I did! Did you?

Henry: No! I don’t have time for that!!

I told him it was OK, we’d just watch it together later that night. And we did! At first Henry just sat there frowning, but by the end, his mouth was slightly curved into a smile. Just like the time I made him watch a 15 minute compilation of G-Dragon eating.

Honestly though I think I might need to watch this video every morning, because I was in a grand mood all day yesterday! It’s hard to believe that someone can be so adorably giddy and then walk on a stage and look like this:

(Side note: If he doesn’t win for best male solo dance at the MAMA show tomorrow I’m going to break something of Henry’s! They’ve already screwed over BTS and G-Dragon.)

Last night, Chooch and I were working on our puzzle and he was mindlessly singing “그대로 그대로 repeat” – I love how brainwashed my household is!! We are down so deep in the rabbit hole.

ETA: Chris suggested that I have a painting commissioned of Taemin and G-Dragon squaring off to be my ultimate bias. I told her this was a great idea and immediately had visions of a Renaissance-style masterpiece with angels hovering in the background.

Chris said that Chooch and Henry could be the angels and I love this image! When I told Henry, he mumbled, “Stop talking to Chris.”

I’m usually at odds with Sundays but this one has been pretty daebak. Maybe it’s because I have tomorrow off so this doesn’t really feel like a Sunday, I don’t know. This whole weekend has been very kpop-centric, so I can’t complain. (I know, when isn’t kpop fueling my life these days.)

Henry is totally into kpop, too, way more than he ever was into any of the post-hardcore/screamo/pop-punk stuff I liked. In fact, yesterday morning, he casually said to me, “I was reading this article about SM Entertainment….” and then he actually agreed to doing an entire hour of kpop workouts with me last night!

When people say kpop is a trap, they’re not kidding. It has spread through our house like the sweetest disease. For example, if you were wondering what Henry listens to when he’s alone making greeting cards…

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Henry was using Chooch’s desk to make cards because his usual work station (aka the dining room table) has been taken over by the 2000 piece puzzle that Chooch and I impulse-bought Friday night at Target. Henry has been threatening to destroy the puzzle all weekend, but the cats might beat him to it. So far, neither of them have been as malicious toward puzzles as Marcy was though. She hated the joy that putting together puzzles brought me. :( I miss her.

HEY SPEAKING OF CARDS AND KPOP: I made this beautiful Lee Taemin Valentine yesterday. I woke Chooch up to show him and the cringe-fest of it all made him mumble, “I hate you.”

If you’re into Kpop, or know anyone who is, this card is guarenteed to get a great reaction because hello, what set of working eyeballs in this world don’t enjoy feasting upon the flesh-masterpiece that is LEE TAEMIN?

There’s plenty of space inside to scribble some fingerhearts or write secret love messages in Hangeul. Plus, it comes with an envelope because we don’t skimp here at noncomposcards.

Here, go buy one.

Later on, we went to Armstrong’s for dinner and Chooch was fucking PAINED because his buddy down the street just got into Minecraft and Chooch desperately wanted to play it with him but we had the audacity to drag him with us and feed him, but god forbid if we DON’T feed the little fucker, we never hear the end of it! For instance, on Friday when we were at Target buying the aforementioned puzzle, Chooch realized that he hadn’t eaten dinner and when he mentioned it, Henry paused and said, “…..you had lunch.” Like that was the best excuse he could come up with for neglecting his child!?

“You had lunch” is the new excuse that Chooch and I have been throwing around all weekend.

Somehow in the midst of all the incessant whining, Chooch was able to eavesdrop on the young couple in the booth diagonal from us. “I think that guy just said something about Rap Monster!” Chooch exclaimed, to which Henry and I laughed, “Yeah right.”

But then I heard it too! The guy was saying something about not understanding one of Rap Monster’s parts and then something that made us think that they were talking about the AMA performance, and then also he name-dropped Suga!

“OMG THOSE PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT BTS!” I squealed. “I want to say something. Please let me say something!”

“Don’t!” Henry hissed, and blocked me from getting around him in the booth. He hates it when I butt into other peoples’ conversations, but I was so excited because this was honestly right after I was crying in my dumb American salad and saying that I feel like I don’t belong in this country anymore.

IT WAS LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WERE PUT THERE TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS ALONE!

Chooch, meanwhile, forgot about Minecraft and was now obsessed with drawing attention to himself, so he kept loudly singing “Go Go” and spitting out “BTS” in a Tourettes-like fashion.

Then when he realized he was wearing a KCON shirt, he made this huge production of shrugging out of his jacket, STRETCHING, and the standing up next to our table and loudly saying, “I WONDER WHERE THE BATHROOM IS” while dramatically tugging on his shirt and jutting out his chest.

It was hilarious and also very embarrassing.

They never did acknowledge us, but when they walked past us on their way out, Henry thought he recognized the girl as one of the managers at the CVS down the street from us so now I’m going to go there every day this week while wearing my light-up G-Dragon headband.

Now we’re just hanging out watching videos on YouTube and Henry said, “Let’s watch this again,” and with an actual flourish, he put on the new video for BTS’s “Mic Drop” remix. LOOKS LIKE HENRY FINALLY FOUND A KPOP GROUP TO STAN. (I just asked him if Jimin is still his bias and he said, “HE NEVER WAS” – wow, so defensive.)

Non-kpop related, but when we came home from dinner, Chooch was craning his neck down the street to see if his dumb friend was home and I was like, “OMG YOU ARE SUCH A WORLD-CLASS STALKER!” and then Henry was all, “OH HO HO! LOOK WHO’S TALKING. HE GOT HIS STALKING SKILLS FROM THE #1 WORLD CLASS STALKER. JIMMY!!!!”

Oh yeah.

For my obligatory Thanksgiving bullshit post this year, I am obviously going to say that I’m thankful for Kpop, le duh. This morning, I was talking to Henry about it, how much better the concert experiences have been than the ones I’m used to, how all of the fans are so nice, how it feels like I finally belong somewhere, and I started crying so hard, haha. Henry patted my leg and said, “OK, take it easy.” I mean, all of this is in addition to the fact that I have literally lost 25 pounds just by dancing to Kpop and eating kimchi every day. Whoever would have thought. My life has always been driven by music, since I was a little kid, but I think it’s safe to say that this is the most fun, healthy, and healing it’s ever been for me.

More specifically, on this Thanksgiving Day 2017, I am giving thanks for the beautiful Lee Taemin, aka BIAS WRECKER. He released his second solo album last month and it has been giving me life these last few weeks, especially while I have been sick (physically and mentally — it’s been rough in my head since Halloween). There have been times when I’m getting ready for work in the morning and take a break to sit in the bed and cry to one of his songs – I don’t typically like the slower/ballad-y kpop songs but his are pure art and make me feel like I’m being wrapped up like kimbap, which I’ve needed these last few weeks because sometimes, even when I’m in a roomful of people, I still feel alone. It’s been nice to have something to latch on to.

And no, I don’t need him to sing this in English; it brings tears to my eyes just the way it is. Not as much as this one does though:

This is not hyperbolic: I started thinking, just thinking about this song at work the other day and had to lowkey slip into the bathroom because I couldn’t stop crying. I’m wrecked.

Things I love about Taemin: the way he pronounces “j”/”ch” sounds (Henry thinks this is absurd and says he can’t hear it, no matter how many times I play “Press Your Number”), his intricate & subtle 1980s jazz dance moves (he’s one of the best dancers in Kpop PLEASE WATCH THAT VIDEO UP THERE; I watch it 87 times a day), his mature silken voice, obviously his perfect fucking face good lord help.

Chris and Monica stopped by last Monday and they can attest that the only thing that played on the TV during the hour they were here was Taemin. At one point, Monica commented on his shoes and I was like, “Oh, I never noticed. I literally only ever look at his face….”

Henry doesn’t like Taemin because he feels threatened by his beauty but don’t worry – Chooch said he will go see him with me if he ever does a North American tour so I guess I better start saving up!

(I just told Chooch that today I’m thankful for Taemin and he rolled his eyes so hard and walked away. So maybe I’ll be going to see him alone after all. VIP FOR ME THEN.)

Um, I guess I’m also thankful for Henry and Chooch, too (for not implementing any sort of kpop ban in the house and for Henry having the best Erin Needs Tampons intuition.)

For the first time in years, I watched a music awards show. I had to sit through nearly three hours of blandness waiting for the one freaking thing that I wanted to see (isn’t that always the case). But it was worth even enduring that atrocious Christina Aguilera “Bodyguard” soundtrack medley (sorry, never been a fan).

Before I get to the good part, here are some more thoughts:

• I did really enjoy Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez (I just really love her), and the Zedd/Alessia Cara performances, so there’s that.
• I don’t think Tracy Ellis Ross (or whatever the fuck her name is) is funny or a big enough personality to carry a whole awards show. And I don’t care if she’s Diana Ross’s daughter. JUST MY OPINION.
• EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED BTS IN THE CROWD, CHOOCH AND I SCREAMED.
• Fuck Florida Georgia Line and I don’t even know who the broad was who was singing with them.
• I don’t dislike Pink but maybe if her music was more interesting she wouldn’t have to hang off the side of a hotel.
• I liked Gaga better during her bloody Paparazzi phase, but I do like that single she performed even though it honestly sounds like it could be have been sung by any other current girl pop singer out there right now. (Her performance that year at the VMAs is still my all time favorite awards show performance of any band/singer.)
• Kelly Clarkson seriously seems like the nicest person in the whole industry and she makes me smile even if her music isn’t really my thing.
• I cried when Linkin Park won even though I haven’t been a fan since like 1999.
• If someone would have told me 12 years ago that one day Portugal the Man would be performing at the AMAs I would have laughed. (Also sorry to sound like a fucking hipster but their old shit was better.)
• WHY NO CHARLIE PUTH THO
• Shawn Mendes is talented. I support him.
• I was excited to see Diana Ross! I opened up to Henry and Chooch about how when I was young in the 80s, I thought “Missing You” was the saddest song ever written because that one part where she sings, “I’m missing you / Tell me why the road turns” always made me think that literally the road turned while her boyfriend or whoever the song is about was driving, and he kept going straight and crashed and died. Henry and Chooch unanimously agreed that I’m dumb, so they can both fuck right off. IT WAS HARD TO SHARE THIS STORY

OK on to the most important part…

Unless you have been living under a rock, you probably heard that, omg, a KOREAN BOY BAND performed at the American Music Awards last weekend. I was so stoked for this. BTS isn’t my bias group but I do like them a whole lot, especially since this last record of theirs came out. Even then I said that it blew American pop music out of the water and now look—America is catching on. I’m going to try hard to not come off as a pretentious music snob cuntface over here, but I’m like thoroughly smug and validated right now. I WILL TRY TO TONE IT DOWN because I know how annoying I can be. #selfawareness

I was a nervous wreck all day on Sunday, like I was waiting to watch my actual seven sons perform at the school talent show or something. I was driving Henry nuts (duh) but even he was anticipating this event. We went to Blake’s that evening for birthday cake (he’s 25 now!) and the whole time I was like OK BUT WE NEED TO BE HOME BY 8. WE’RE GOING TO BE HOME BY 8 RIGHT and I don’t  know what the big deal is because we honest-to-god live 4 minutes BY FOOT from Blake and Haley’s apartment so I wasn’t ever going to be stranded there, AMAs-less or anything.

Sometime around 10:30, the Chainsmokers walked on stage and I knew it was finally happening. It made sense that the Chainsmokers would announce them because they collab’d on a song on BTS’s recent record.

I’m honestly crying all over again as I type this but those boys fucking slayed that stage. And the fan chants made us so happy – the Armys were representing so hard out there that night! I read that the AMAs had to actually mute the crowd because it was so hard to hear the music hahahaha. Chooch was like, “Everyone there experiencing this for the first time now knows what my ears felt like at KCON!” Honestly – I have been to a lot of concerts in my lifetime, but I have never heard screaming as loud as I have at kpop concerts. It’s a whole new level of fan-girl.

I stood right next to the TV with my hands over my heart through their whole performance. I have seen them perform DNA on sooooo many Korean music shows but man…seeing them at the AMAs, giving all the Western music world a run for its money? Fuck yeah boys, get it.

Several of my friends even admitted to me that they watched it and now they see why I like Kpop so much. I mean, I honestly just really like how the language sounds, to the point where I wonder if I wouldn’t like it if any of the groups recorded English versions of their songs. For example, I tend to not like the Japanese versions they record at all. And don’t even get me started on how much I love their dancing. I also think it’s not understood how hard these people work! And BTS especially — they’re not as prefabricated as you think. They write most of their own songs and J-Hope does a lot of the choreography for them. They are artists in every sense of the word and it does irritate me when people here scoff at Kpop like it’s inferior to…what? All the Meghan Trainors and Taylor Swifts whining on our radios? Just because Kpop is in a different language doesn’t mean it’s “weird” or “a joke” or “creepy.” And hey American interviewers – STOP ASKING THEM IF THEY’RE GOING TO RECORD AN ALBUM IN ENGLISH. Isn’t it enough that there’s an English remix of “Mic Drop”? :(

From the reaction that BTS’s performance got Sunday night, it seems like maybe our country is becoming more open to the idea of Korean pop music. Believe me, there are millions of us here who already know how wonderful it is! I know this because the last time BTS toured the US, tickets sold out in minutes, so um…hopefully they’ll add more cities next time?

My favorite part was the next morning, my boss called over to me, “So have you stopped smiling yet?” I didn’t know what she meant by that, and she followed up with, “They really brought down the house last night!”

“Oh my god, you watched??” I asked, and she said, “Yes! You’re the reason I knew who they were!”

Glenn was all, “What. What’s going on?” And I smugly said, “OH NOTHING JUST ONE OF THE KPOP GROUPS I LIKE MADE HISTORY LAST NIGHT AT THE AMAS NO BIG DEAL” and he was so annoyed because he wants Kpop to be a joke forever and ever amen.

I’m so proud of these boys. I felt like I was watching  my seven kids matriculate! Way to represent South Korea, BTS.

Well guys, it’s that time of year again! As usual, I was waffling: did I or I didn’t want to decorate for Halloween at work? It takes a lot of mental energy out of me, but I had a few ideas that I came up with several months ago, so I did a quick inventory of the things I’d have to actually spend money on because that’s a huge factor: the more I already have on hand, the more inclined I am to put the effort in.

I did a quick Goodwill and craft store run Tuesday night and $5 later, I had everything I needed to get the four offices decorated.  Some of the offices required $0!

OK, first up is Terry’s office. This was the first one that I came up with a few months ago and if only you could have been there when I excitedly spun around in my chair to tell Glenn…

“Pet SemaTERRY, get it Glenn? SemaTERRY? Because his name is TERRY?!” I squealed.

“Yeah, I get it,” he mumbled. Just jealous that he didn’t think of it first, that’s all.

Anyway, this one required $0. I inherited those tombstones from Barb years ago and they’re actually mainstays on my desk. The stuffed cat is Chooch’s (“Please don’t rip it up or put blood on it!” he begged) and that sign was made be me demonstrating my awesome cardboard box-ripping skills.

I can’t tell if Terry likes it or not. He hasn’t said anything. Glenn disappeared from his desk at one point the day I decorated this and when he came back I yelled, “WHAT, WERE YOU TALKING TO TERRY!? DOES HE LIKE HIS OFFICE” and he was like, “NO I WASN’T TALKING TO TERRY.”

Honestly though, I was so giddy about this one all day. It was so stupid in its simplicity, yet so PERFECTLY PUNNY.

OMG this next one was one that I wanted to do last year but I ran out of time:

My hands felt arthritic by the time I was done cutting those branches out. When I was taping them up the next morning, my coworker Amanda was like, “Let me guess—Children of the Corn!” and I was like “NO AMANDA I DID THAT ONE LAST YEAR, DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO WOULD REUSE AN IDEA?!” Ugh, god.

The worst part about this is that I came in 30 minutes early on Wednesday to decorate and I was SO PROUD OF MYSELF and couldn’t wait for Aaron’s reaction, but when I went back to my desk, Glenn said, “LOL, Aaron is working from home today.”

Ugh.

Henry helped me make the chainsaw.

“I thought you said you weren’t decorating this year so why am I sitting here cutting out a chainsaw?” he sighed when I stopped him en route to Slumber Town and handed him a pair of scissors.

The only thing purchased for this one was poster board for the trees.

In case you have no idea what this is from:

I didn’t even have to bring a book from home because Gayle turned one of the cabinets into a library, so I grabbed the first chunky hardback in there (thanks, Nora Roberts). I was going to make my own Necronomicon cover out of a latex mask but I wanted to get this set up the next day so…..a quick print-out it is!

Also, the chainsaw is green because my piece of red foam-stuff wasn’t large enough.

Cathy is visiting us from the Harrisburg office! Today was her first day in the office so Amber suggested yesterday that I decorate her desk too. Luckily, I had some extra stuff on hand, like this bloody sheet that I used for last year’s “Carrie” desk, a creepy clown doll, spiderwebs, severed fingers, a vintage picture of an actual dead guy in a coffin that I used for my funeral parlor theme desk a few years back, and probably what scared Cathy the most: an Asian snack on her keyboard. I think she felt welcome!

OK, this next one is my favorite! No, they’re all my favorites. I love all my babies equally. But seriously, when I made the connection that Patrick shares a surname with the Stranger Things family…it just all fell into place.

So I turned his office into a shrine for older brother Jonathan Byers.

The pictures he took of Barb on the diving board and Nancy in the window. There’s an actual scene in Stranger Things were the photos are hanging on a string like this. I didn’t have any string, rope, or twine, but I DID have some old party hats in my desk! So I ripped off the elastic.

In the show, Jonathan actually uses a Pentax and I’m so mad because I do have an old Pentax from the 80s somewhere in my house, but I couldn’t find it. So this Konica will have to do. Also, if you watched the show, you know that he liked The Clash’s “Should I Stay Or I Should I Go.”

The nail-studded baseball bat Demogorgon weapon that he carried. Thank god for cardboard boxes.

I had to carry this on the trolley with me this morning. No one even noticed.

I had a strand of white lights on hand, so I quickly painted them yesterday after work.

Total amount spent on this: $0.

I don’t know if this is good or just admitting that I’m basically a hoarder.

OK, the last one I decorated today is, in Glenn’s words, a bit of a stretch, but I had to do it.

Chris’s office is right next to me and I was disappointed last year that I couldn’t think of anything for his name, and then it hit me.

“Think about it, Glenn. ‘Chris Kenrick,” I said the other day after I came up with it.

Glenn just shrugged.

“Chris Kenrick. Chris KenRICK. Chris KenRICK GRIMES,” I blurted out giddily.

“Wow,” Glenn said, totally not impressed but probably a little.

In case you don’t watch The Walking Dead, Rick Grimes is the main character.

Today, Catherine said, “You are totally wasting your talent here!” and then started preaching about how I need to find a job that utilizes my skills, but I literally never see any job openings for “half-assed horror movie-themed office decorator” so it looks like the law firm is stuck with me for a little bit longer.

I have two other offices on my radar, but I’m off all next week so I don’t know if I will do it when I get back — is it worth it? UGH MAYBE PROBABLY WE’LL SEE. I can never tell if I’m going to get in trouble for this, but I guess that’s half the fun of being the office black sheep?

If you’re interested in last year’s decorations, please turn your attention here and here.

I have waited a good long while for this to happen: Emarosa finally headlined a show in Pittsburgh so we didn’t have to travel to see them! We could casually leave our house at a normal hour for once and then get home before 2am or, you know, sometime the next day!

And the cherry on top an already decked out sundae was that the opening bands were two bands that Chooch and I both love: Jule Vera (Chooch) and A Lot Like Birds (me)! I absolutely could not wait. Even Henry was stoked on this one, probably mostly because he didn’t have to drive a lot and it was an early show, his favorites.

(Who am I kidding: early shows are my favorites these days now too.)

There ended up being a local opener and I was mildly annoyed about this at first because of course the venue was filled with all of their friends and family and I was worried that it would be like all of the Smiling Moose shows, where the opening band would play and the crowd would only be there just for them and then the venue would be empty for the headliner and the rest of the bands on the actual tour.

I had low expectations for Define Irony, which is awful because I was definitely judging them by the crowd they drew and I was expecting some lame 105 The X homogenous rock sound, but they proved me wrong and I am delighted to admit that! I love when a local band is GOOD!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZthiNvhc7D/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Of course, this video doesn’t do it justice, but when the girl started singing, I was like, “OK I’M LISTENING. I HEAR YOU.” Their style, the back and forth co-ed vocals, brought back some memories of the scene from the mid-00s, and I was feeling it deeply.

Henry, who had ditched Chooch and I immediately and went to the bar, said that he couldn’t tell at all from where he was sitting if the band was good or not because the sound was so bad back there, which is very disappointing because I feel like Cattivo is usually pretty good in that area. Then again, Henry isn’t easily impressed so who knows.

Also, I haven’t been a good blog-researcher so I don’t know if this is mentioned on any of their social media sites, but if they got their name from Steve Buscemi’s line about Lynyrd Skynyrd in “Con Air” then I love them even more.

God, I love that movie.

Of course as soon as Define Irony was over, their whole entire posse left (although some of them hung around for the rest of the night) and I started to panic that the crowd was going to be sparse for Emarosa. People will argue with me based on the types of music they like, but Pittsburgh can be pretty shitty when it comes to the music scene and it’s bizarre because we have SO MANY COLLEGES in the area. Why aren’t these kids coming to shows? Are they just that poorly promoted? It could be that. Usually the only way I hear about shows is by following bands I like on Instagram or remembering to check the websites of various venues around here. Because unless it’s a larger band or something playing at Stage AE, I just don’t usually see anything about it.

I even tried to round up some friends to come out to this show because I really think some of them would enjoy Emarosa but that plan bombed. Amber2 was really bummed out because she does genuinely like them and it would figure that when they finally headlined here, she was out of town!

I WILL NOT GIVE UP THOUGH. Even if I have to buy everyone’s ticket myself and trick them into going.

The next band was Jule Vera, featuring Chooch’s babe Ansley. He LOVES HER. I mean, just look at her though, who wouldn’t? And then she starts singing and if you hadn’t already loved her, you will definitely fall in deep then. And the rest of the band is such a joy to watch, too!

I was sad though because the first time Chooch and I saw them with Never Shout Never in 2016, they did this really cool drum solo thing where Ansley poured water on the drum while the drummer was playing and it sounds like such a simple thing but it really was a cool thing to watch. It was very dramatic and that was definitely what made me pay attention to them.

Henry and I saw them a few months later at Riot Fest and they did it there too, and the crowd was just going nuts over it. We’ve seen them twice since then and they haven’t done it again :( This time around, they mostly played songs from their new album, which admittedly didn’t appeal much to me when we saw them over the summer at Warped Tour, but the vibe in Cattivo was different this night, more intense and passionate, and I afterward I looked at Chooch and said, “OK, I’m sold. I like the new songs now.” I think that the stage they played on at Warped was just not suitable for them.

In the beginning of their set, the crowd seemed kind of dead and I was SO EMBARRASSED. Ansley tried to get everyone to clap during the first song and no one moved. I really hoped that this wasn’t going to be a theme for the night, but by the second song, people seemed to really be opening up to Jule Vera and the energy rose A LOT. I mean, Chooch was over there right in front of the stage, cheering and waving his arms, so they at least would have had him if all else failed.

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One thing to note about Chooch is that he is super independent when we’re out at events like this, and well, just really in life in general. When I was his age and had to use the bathroom, I would panic because OMG WHERE IS IT WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE LIKE SOMEONE GO WITH ME.

LOL who am I kidding, I’m still like that at 38.

But not Chooch. He’ll be like, “I have to piss, brb” and then he sets off to find the loo all on his own. So that’s what he did after Jule Vera, and I saved our spots. When he came back, he saw some girl wave to him and say, “Hi Riley!” and I was like, “How the fuck does an 11-year-old know people at shows and I don’t?!” Turns out she was one of his mentors when he was in 1st grade, so I guess she must be a senior now? Junior? I don’t know.

Math.

Shit fuck motherfucker OMG. A Lot Like Birds was next. Henry was still sitting in the bar area and I was like, “COME OUT HERE AND WATCH THEM” but he was like, “NO” because he’s seen them a bunch of times with me and absolutely nothing will ever make him like them because he has no taste.

I was excited for Chooch to finally see them live but he said he didn’t really like them that much and my heart shattered a little because I adore A Lot Like Birds, even without Kurt Travis.

I just saw them in June when they played Divisi in its entirety so I won’t go into too much detail here other than they were a joy to watch as usual and just made me feel invigorated.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZtm_EkhiKr/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Henry came over and joined us while Emarosa was setting up. Wow, so blessed. Please stand with us, Henry. Protect us from the bad guys at the big scary concert.

When Emarosa came on stage, the room felt like it was on fire. The crowd was pretty decent for Pittsburgh and everyone was visibly pumped to see Emarosa. I always say the same things about them: they’re so energetic, so pure and passionate, so clearly in love with sharing the art that they make — it’s hard to escape that contagion and I think that’s why this is one of the few bands that Henry and I BOTH like. But, only since the departure of Jonny Craig.

Oh, WHILE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THAT GINGER PIECE OF SHIT…..a few days before this show, a video was going around on Twitter from a Slaves show in Detroit where Jonny was so fucked up that he fell off stage, tried to play it off like he just wanted to be singing in the crowd, and then CHOKES some guy for mocking him. This guy…

Also, he sounded like absolute shit in the video too. Sorry for all my friends who are now suddenly (and inexplicably) into him, literal “Jonny-Come-Lately”s, but that motherfucker peaked in 2009. You missed out, guys.

I wish there was a special font to denote eye-rolling.

Anyway, this was all over twitter and various music websites, and then Jonny was actually calling people and threatening them to take down the video and I have no idea what he’s so afraid of because he has cultivated such a pathetic following of blind sheep that he will probably never be in danger of not having a career because who cares if he’s a drug addict that emotionally abuses people, fans included, right guys?

I’m telling you all of this because after Emarosa played the first song of the night, Bradley took some time to ask everyone how they were doing that night (after saying, “Howdy, partners—I’m trying a new thing here”).

“No one’s getting choked, so that’s good at least,” he said, and I was like, “OOOOOOOH SHIT!” That was definitely a jab at Jonny and I loved it.

I don’t have a set list, but I will tell you that they played a good bit from both Bradley-fronted albums, including some of my favorites from Versus that I haven’t heard in a while and was afraid that they were retiring them.

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But they also did a REAL throwback and played “The Game Played Right,” which was from the Jonny-era self-titled album and also my favorite old Emarosa song that I have never heard live before because Jonny wasn’t around very long after this album came out. I thought I was going to die. I rarely record entire songs at concerts because, for what, you know? But this was a rare exception because Bradley sang it so perfectly, and when it was over, some guy in the crowd yelled, “You sang that better than Jonny!”

“I know,” Bradley said in that Chris Pratt-esque way that I adore. “I killed it. But, it’s not a hard song to sing.” If that had been a tweet, he for sure would have used the hair-swish emoji, I just know it.

Or the nail-painting one.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZtgmHoh3_0/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

And they played a cover of Paramore’s “Decode” and I wanted to cry. It was such a fire rendition.

Oh, and guess who crowd-surfed again? HAHAHA! Chooch saw Bradley walking over to our side of the side and got the “Oh lawd” look on his face, and then before he could hide in Henry’s beard, Bradley was pulling him up on stage and sending him off to the sea of fans. It was great!

Immediately after the show, Chooch’s friend Lacey came over and high-fived him, and then the girl who was standing next to Chooch at the front of the stage came over and asked if we were at the Emarosa at Mahall’s last spring. After I confirmed, she said, “I knew I had seen you guys there!” I’m sure a crowd-surfing 11-year-old is pretty hard to forget though!

And then another guy came over to us and said, “Hey, I met you at the A Lot Like Birds show a few months ago—” but of course I remembered him because so few people actually talk to me at shows! Anyway, he said as soon as he saw Chooch go up in the air, he was like, “That has to be that girl’s son” because we were talking about Emarosa at that last ALLB show and I showed him the video of Chooch crowd-surfing. So he came over and looked for us after the show and I was so happy! I hardly ever make connections at shows because when I’m alone, I’m so stand-offish and awkward. And if I do talk to anyone, I always feel like they won’t remember me anyway because I’m so forgettable, wah.

So all of these things were so great (and also all thanks to Chooch, ugh) and then we had a great conversation with one of the guitarists from Jule Vera, the same one we talked to at Warped Tour (Claud?). He’s such a nice guy, and a real talker. That’s those Alabama boys for you! He said, “Ya’ll were at Warped Tour, too, weren’t you?” and I was so happy that he remembered talking to us! Those bands talk to so many fans at Warped Tour, but I guess Henry kind of stands out.

Just a little.

Henry and I told him that we also saw them at Riot Fest last year and how upset Chooch was that he wasn’t there, haha.

Meanwhile, Chooch just stood there, nervously wringing his hands, desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with Ansley. He has it bad for her, man.

We couldn’t leave without talking to Bradley (no really we couldn’t — he was standing right by the door!).

He seemed genuinely happy to see us, and told us that there were snags on stage, being the first show and all, and I was like, “Pfft, we couldn’t tell!” They sounded so tight as always! Then he tried to teach Chooch a handshake-thing and it was pretty painful, and also hilarious, to watch.

I opened my big mouth about Chooch’s crush on Ansley and Bradley was all, “OH SHIT!” and started teasing him in full big-brother mode. Even the guys in line behind us were cracking up.

I wish I could describe Bradley better, because he is so down-to-earth and an absolute delight to talk to. I know that sounds so lame and like, such a mom-thing to say, but it’s clear how much he values and appreciates his fans. I love watching him engage with people in line before us, and seeing him make someone’s day. He’s good at it, and while he has his exaggerated (and also very facetious) bravado on stage, he is so far from a rock star in person. I love this guy, and this band, and I hope the butterflies they give me never go away!

What an excelsior night, legitimately.

For those not in the kpop loop, Taeyang is one of the members of Bigbang, inarguably one of the biggest kpop groups of all time (this is pure numerical fact, you guys). And like a lot of kpop idols, Taeyang occasionally strays from his group and does the solo thing. With an impending military enlistment in his very near future and Bigbang currently on a hiatus, Taeyang churned out a beautiful solo album called White Night late August and set off on his first ever solo tour of North America.

G-Dragon is my ultimate bias but I do love Taeyang a lot as well. If I had to compare him to an American artist, I’d have to go with Ne-Yo — he’s got the smooth R&B sensibilities — mixed with the sick dancing of Chris Brown. I might actually enjoy Taeyang’s dancing even more than his vocals, and watching live Bigbang performances imakes it hard to ignore how joyful he looks.

The Chicago date for the White Night Tour was conveniently set for Labor Day weekend, almost like Taeyang was handing me an invitation in one perfectly white-gloved hand. Henry of course was like FML because I had recently decided that I didn’t want to go to Riot Fest this year because the line-up wasn’t tickling me, so he basically got rid of one Chicago road trip and then almost immediately replaced it with another. And full disclosure, one basic (i.e. no soundcheck, send-off, etc) ticket was pretty close to the same amount as my three-day Riot Fest pass. Totally fucking worth it. (Thankfully, I was able to sell my Riot Fest pass though!)

Henry and Chooch came to Chicago with me but since we don’t own our house and couldn’t take out a second mortgage, three Taeyang tickets were slightly out of reach, so I went to the show alone. They were total baes though and at least rode the L with me to the Aragon Ballroom so I wouldn’t have a panic attack. Hey, isn’t it enough that I at least go to concerts alone?

Since I was just a basic old P2 ticket holder, I didn’t bother getting there super early since I knew I was already going to be at least two sections away from the stage, so instead I rolled up right when doors opened at 6. I don’t know what I expected, that I could just waltz right into the venue straight from the L station? Because nope. So many nopes. A Wacky Worm full of nopes. There was a huge line that wrapped around the theater and into the empty lot alongside of it. These were all P2 people. I couldn’t believe it.

There were two long lines parallel with the building, and then numerous smaller lines facing the theater, which you can kind of see in that picture up there. A security guard put me at the end of the last line, and then a girl eventually made her way down my line, checking our tickets and wristbanding us.

Taeyang White Night, P2 baby!

Two guys capped off the end of my line, and I listened with slight amusement as they people-watched and checked out the girls in line. Within the first fifteen minutes, though, they noticed me in spite of my natural invisibility, and the one with curly hair asked, “Excuse me, are you here by yourself?”

Forty alarms went off in my head, but this was a Taeyang show—-what was the worst that could happen?

After I admitted that I was, he said, “OK, well, you’re now a part of our conversation” and just like that, I became concert line pals with John and Paco. Paco was also attending the show alone, having driven there from St. Louis, but John was waiting out the line-standing with him out of solidarity. THAT IS A GOOD FRIEND, unlike Henry and Chooch who watched from a distance as I got in line and then mouthed “KBYE” as they ran back to the L.

Paco kept making up The Weeknd-esque songs about standing in line, and I couldn’t stop laughing. This was so much better than standing alone!

“Haha, this was when I was trying to get a picture of the Aragon marquee and Paco threw his hand in front of my phone,” I giddily told Henry later, whose response was, “You’re so dumb.”

After about an hour of people-watching, the line started to move and we eventually got to move over to the line that got to enter the venue next. The staff had this line-formation down to a science, and it moved flawlessly. Props to those people for keeping shit organized and efficient unlike those LiveNation motherfuckers in Toronto. I’m not sure if these people were Aragon staff, KPOP ME staff, or what, but they are fucking good at their job and I wanted to tell them that when I saw them after the show, but I was caught up in a current of happy Taeyang fans high on Hanguel.

I lost Paco inside the doors when girls had to get in different lines for the dreaded pat down / bag check, so that was Sad Times. However, this just meant that I got to get lost in my own little world during the show, which is the best thing about going to shows alone, in my opinion. I don’t have to be Erin for a few hours and it’s a goddamn relief.

You know how it is.

I wish I hadn’t been in such a hurry to get to the stage area, because the lobby of the Aragon was stunning and I would have liked to take more pictures. At the end of the hallway, there were steps that went up and then split to the left and to the right, which then spilled out into the ballroom. It was so big! It had a vintage carnival feel to it, and the ceiling was painted like a galaxy.

This is 100% NOT MY PICTURE. I can’t find anyone to credit though, but I wanted to post it here to show how fantastic this venue is. I hope I can make it back there for more shows!

The way the venue was set up, the platinum VIPs were in the very first sliver of the floor, the behind that barricade were the P1 richies, and then behind the next and final barricade were us poor P2 peasants. However, by some stroke of fate, I was able to get second row behind the P2 barricade, off to the right (off to the right is my bread n’ butter concert spot, you guys; it’s the sweet spot for me). As it was with the G-Dragon show, the concert attendees were primarily Asian, and now that I have two kpop concerts under my belt, I feel that I can honestly say that these crowds were so much better than the crowds at most other concerts I go to. No pushing or shoving, just kindness all around.

I took this picture just to give Henry some perspective on where I was in the crowd.

Literally, I loved everyone around me! Especially the adorable girl to my left who took a phonecall before the show started and said something about being there alone, super shy and awkward, but then when the lights went down she was ALL LUNGS, my friends. That girl never stopped screaming and shouting the lyrics through the whole night and it was inspirational. I screamed right along with her because MOTHERFUCKING YOUNG BAE!!!!

Taeyang came out to the “White Night” intro and the frantic screaming around me nearly knocked me off balance. It was legit hysteria in the Aragon. I mean, have you seen Taeyang? He’s the total package. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I lost track of the set list and couldn’t find one specifically from the Chicago show, but it seemed like it was pretty much the same for all US concerts, so here’s the one from San Jose:

1. “White Night”
2. “Ringa Linga”
3. “Body”
4. “Super Star”
5. “Wake Me Up”
6. “Only Look at Me”
7. “Wedding Dress”
8. “Amazin'”
9. “1AM”
10. “Naked”
11. “So Good”
12. “I Need A Girl”
13. “Empty Road”
14. “Ride”
15. “Tonight”
16. “Love You to Death”
17. “Last Dance”
18. “Darling”

Encore

1. “Break Down”
2. “Good Boy”
3. “Stay With Me”
4. “Bang Bang Bang”
5. “Fantastic Baby”
6. “Eyes, Nose, Lips”

He fell toward the end of “Ringa Linga” but bounced back right away because he’s a true entertainer. If that had been me, I would have lost my shit, tried to fire someone, and then stormed off stage.

Basically the same thing I do to Henry on a daily basis but instead of storming off a stage, I’m storming up the steps and slamming my bedroom door.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZPuxbEBnc0/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

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^^My favorite song from White Night <3.

What I like about Taeyang is that it’s so obvious just by watching a few interviews or variety shows that he’s a nice guy. A genuinely nice guy. There is a reality show about the making of BIGBANG from 2005 (I think?), where YG Entertainment was auditioning boys to be in the band. Taeyang and G-Dragon were pretty much guaranteed to make it because they had been YG trainees for like, ever, and BIGBANG was essentially being built around them. Anyway, the one thing about Taeyang that has always stuck out to me is that whenever G-Dragon would get really tough on the other guys (because he’s such a perfectionist and came off as super bossy in that series), he would sometimes make them cry, and then it would be Taeyang who would come over to comfort them after GD had left the room.

I don’t think his caring nature is an act. He just comes across as very down to earth and I really wish I could have attended the send-off after the show because he apparently has been taking time to greet and talk to every single fan there, I can’t even believe it, how is he so wonderful!?

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^^^OMFG TAEYANG, JUST STOP. NO I’M KIDDING, DON’T EVER STOP!!

If only G-Dragon had surprise-sauntered on stage for this though.

At one point, Taeyang sat down behind a piano. I started to clench, because I was pretty sure I knew what was coming, and it was freaking “Last Dance.” This is the ONLY BIGBANG song that I skip over when it comes on, beautiful as it is, because it makes me so sad and I honestly can’t handle it. However, there was no “skip” button at this show so I had to stand there and endure it, but luckily everyone else was crying too.

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OMG OK so I know it’s not the same with the rest of BIGBANG there, but when Taeyang busted out “Bang Bang Bang” and “Fantastic Baby” during the encore, I thought we were all going to collectively begin squirting blood out of our mouths on account of the major throat-shredding this inspired! There is a really good chance I will never get to see BIGBANG live, so to be able to see Taeyang sing his parts and do the choreo that I have memorized from the millions of MV views, it was just so incredible and I WAS SO FUCKING PUMPED!!!!

I really thought the roof was going to crashing down around us, everyone was just going fucking nuts. How can anyone be immune to that?! I thought I was going to blow out blood vessels in my head!

The whole night had a very distinct, surreal veil draped over it. I was there, in the same room as Taeyang, an idol from across the world that I have watched in so many videos, wishing for the chance to be in the audience of one of this shows.  It was hard to believe that in the span of a little more than a month, I got to see two members of BIGBANG on their solo tours. To say I felt blessed is a huge understatement. I felt incredibly grateful, so much that it’s hard to even express without getting all cheesy and borderline Jesusy. Life is still so very far from perfect (sooooooo very), but this whole scene has really changed my attitude in some ways (not all, though — sorry Henry) and definitely added a ton of fun to my days. And it has taken me to Newark, Toronto, and Chicago just this summer alone! It has been so worth it and beyond memorable.

I will never forget this night.

My mom dropped off a belated birthday gift for me last night, but she was so sure I wouldn’t like it that she had Chooch come out to get it so that she wouldn’t have to see my disappointment when I opened it.

First of all, I wasn’t expecting anything so the very idea that she thought to get me a present meant enough in itself!

Second of all, SHE IS FREAKING NUTS because when I saw what it was, I literally screamed like a little girl and waved it around for Henry and Chooch to see:

A little G-Dragon doll! I love him so much!

Of course I brought him to work today to show people. Lauren got all teary-eyed because she thought it was a such a sweet gesture from my mom, and Amber thought it was super adorable too. Then when I sat down at my desk, Glenn mumbled, “What? I don’t get to see your doll, too? Because you think I’ll make fun of it?”

“UM YEAH, THAT’S EXACTLY WHY, GLENN!” I spat. But then I whirled around in my seat and said, “OK FINE YOU SEE IT!”

And even Glenn, naysayer of all things Hallyu, said, “That’s actually pretty cool.”

SEE?!

The best part about this is that he’s modeled after my FAVORITE G-DRAGON LOOK! He wore this outfit in the Fxxk It video, and also in one of my favorite live performances, which I will now post as proof and also because I want to watch it again.

It just shows that my mom cares enough to know what I’m currently into and it means the world to me. It’s the little things in life. And sometimes these small joys really add up, you know? I love thoughtful gifts like this!

Nearly a month has passed since I saw my oppa, my king, my ultimate bias G-Dragon. It took everything I had in me to write part 1 of this Act III: Motte series of blog posts because as trivial as it may seem (“It’s just a concert, tho” — amirite?), the feelings I experienced that night were outrageous. Over and over, all night long, all I kept thinking was how incredibly grateful I was to be there, and never did I imagine I would be so close!

The whole point of this world tour is for G-Dragon to try to separate his stage alias and his actual identity—Kwon Jiyong. The concert was divided into three acts: the first, being his early solo work; the next act focused on his second solo album; and the third act brought us to the present, current version of himself: his real self. Kwon Jiyong.

M.O.T.T.E. stands for “moment of truth, the end.” Does he mean this is the end of G-Dragon? I’m not exactly sure, but the night was emotionally-charged and full of candid moments.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BXRmfDrBaOc/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

After a long, dramatic introduction, G-Dragon appeared on an elevated stage and dove right into “Heartbreaker,” which was just loud enough to be heard over the fanatical screaming in the arena. Yes, we had just seen him during his soundcheck, but brother, nothing could have prepared me for this. His presence is fucking gigantic. How does he project so much, so far? BECAUSE HE IS A MAGICAL BEING SENT FROM ABOVE.

He did the running-dance thing that he does in the video and I legit swooned up all of my pent-up pre-teen notions of love and romance. Right there in the Air Canada Centre, years of diary pages and Scrunchies were practically wafting out of my mouth.

G-Dragon makes me feel like A GIRL AGAIN.

I don’t think my heart stopped fluttering once all night, even when I was also crying.

Because you know I also cried.

A lot.

Act 1 had these old school songs:

• Heartbreaker
• Breathe
• A Boy
• But I Love U
• Obsession

https://www.instagram.com/p/BXRm3VrBYvF/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

When I hear these old songs and watch the old videos, I feel so sad that I didn’t get to be around for that era of G-Dragon, the Heartbreaker-years, the bleached blond-phase. But watching him perform all of those old songs so close in front of me that night….wow. Words can’t describe.

I had all of these images going through my head during the months and weeks leading up to this concert, how I was going to react, how much I would scream, if Henry would have to pick me up from the ground…but the reality of it, what REALLY happened, was that I was stunned, straight-up speechless, immobile. I stood with my hands clutched beneath my chin and vacillated between crying and smiling. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him! HE IS THE CROWN JEWEL OF KOREA.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BYE_4Dvh8zP/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

The second act revolved around his next solo incarnation, which I would describe as being a little harsher, tougher, with more swagger.

• MichiGO
• One of a Kind
• R.O.D.
• That XX
• Black (English version, featuring Skye Ferriera. I really wish he would have stuck with the Korean version with Jenny from Blackpink, though)
• Missing You
• Who You?
• I Love It

The stage during Black was so cool and featuring some of his girl dancers suspended on swings behind clear plastic curtains. I really liked Act 2 a lot, and GD seemed to be more comfortable performing these songs, too.

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Before the show started, there was some mildly annoying white girl in front of us, making sure everyone knew she was the biggest BIGBANG fan there, etc. You know the type. But the one thing she said that I adamantly agreed with was, “If I show someone the Crayon video and they don’t like it, I wonder what exactly is wrong with them.”

YES THIS. That video is SO CLEVER, the song IS SO CLEVER, G-Dragon is SO CLEVER. Honestly, this guy is a creative powerhouse. Maybe that’s what most Westerners don’t realize: G-Dragon writes and produces his own stuff. He’s not just handed a song with a bow on it.

During Act 2, a video was played featuring GD’s friends and family responding to the question: Who Is G-Dragon/Kwon Jiyong to you? Admittedly, I had already seen this on one of the fan accounts I follow on Instagram, but I still cried like it was the first time hearing it. And I still think it’s curious that one of the BIGBANG members, Seungri, was not in the video.

Taeyang was though, of course, and his part made me cry almost as much as the cameos from GD’s parents. They must be so proud of him, I can’t even stand it.

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Did I mention that G-Dragon brings a live band on tour with him? Well, he does and they’re the perfect accompaniment for him. They add layers to his songs that elevate it to the next level. These guys aren’t just some amateurs off the street, you guys. I looked up the guitarist Justin Lyons because he looked familiar to me: he’s American and has been playing guitar for BIGBANG since 2012! So that’s why he looks familiar, because I’ve seen him on several live videos. G-Dragon had very genuine camaraderie with them too and that was one of my favorite things to watch, I addition to G-Dragon’s dancing and G-Dragon’s snarly expressions and G-Dragon’s sparkly clothes and G-Dragon G-Dragon G-Dragon…..

Huge shoutout to that backing band though.

Every time he came back on stage in new clothes, I thought, “HOW CAN HE KEEP LOOKING BETTER AND BETTER?” Only G-Dragon could pull off those looks. And that’s why he’s also a fashion icon in addition to being the biggest Kpop idol in the world.

I’m fascinated with him—and his parents. You don’t just learn how to captivate millions of people, you’re born with that magical ability. And I wonder, when did his parents first start noticing that he was more than just a basic human being. The whole Kpop industry in and of itself is interesting to explore and research, a total rabbit hole that you won’t want to climb out of, but G-Dragon is the most alluring out of it all. I could talk about him for hours, which is usually what happens at work until I check myself and put a cork in it before I get moved to a different floor…

…in a janitor’s closet.

But sometimes Lauren or Todd will casually ask me something kpop-related and the words are rushing and elbowing each other to escape my mouth like the doors to a Black Friday sale just opened at the Storytime Store.

Even for someone like Henry, whose heart isn’t nearly as invested in all of this, it was a spectacular event full of fire, confetti, amazing dancing, and G-Dragon being flawless and charismatic. One of my favorite parts was when he was alone on stage, just him and a microphone, talking to us in perfect English. It felt so personal! How does he do it!? Everyone started chanting “Kwon Jiyong” again and my heart blew up like a bloody balloon. Being surrounded by thousands of people who feel the same about him as I do was therapeutic, relieving, cathartic. It’s hard being alone in this back home! I took this all in, absorbed it, and felt validated in my balls-to-the-wall obsession. I can’t imagine having the restraint to just “casually” like him and judging by the people around me, being unrestrained is a real epidemic. :)

Every time he came to our side of the side, I cried. His eyes are so sparkly—how does he get them to sparkle in real life?!

The third act started with a video of G-Dragon’s monologue about what it’s like to be him, how he has been G-Dragon for so many years now that he’s beginning to forget who he really is. It was raw, unfiltered, and heartbreaking. I know for sure I wasn’t the only one crying when he was broadcasting his existential crisis for everyone to see. There was even a part when he says something about how everything expects that he must be living this grand life, he must be so happy with his success….but then he said, “Not so much lately.” I think that’s one of the things that has drawn me to him: he has many facets, and many different personalities. When I see him in candid videos with the rest of BIGBANG, he can be downright giddy. He looks happy and comfortable with his friends. When I see him on stage, he looks fierce, and my first impression of him was actually that he seemed mean, maybe egomaniacal. When I see him in pictures taken by paparazzi, he looks alone and sad.

He is an enigma.

Watching this confessional tore me up. I could relate to some of what he said—clearly not the fame part, but the feeling alone when from the outside, it doesn’t seem like I should feel that way. I could also relate a little bit to not always knowing who I am. I show different sides to different people and does anyone really even know the real me?

He said he wants to be Kwon Jiyong again, and asked us if we would be OK with that. Everyone started chanting “Kwon Jiyong” at that moment and it was beautiful and powerful and here come the tears again. I just want to hug him so hard and tell him he is loved. Try to imagine how isolated his life must be though, any celebrity really.

G-Dragon managed to create utter intimacy in an arena filled with like 20,000 people.

The third act started right as the video monologue ended with the words, “Do you even know who you are?” GD performed four songs from his 5-song mini-album, aptly titled “Kwon Jiyong.”

• Superstar
• Middle Fingers Up
• Bullshit
• Divina Commedia

Everyone went nuts for this act.

Let me tell you some things about “Kwon Jiyong” — it consists of five ultra-personal songs written by GD. It feels different than his past work — it’s more raw, intimate, honest. And it RULES. I preordered it a few months ago (duh) — it broke records all over Asia, made it to #1 on charts all over the world, and is essentially art. Ever the innovator, he eschewed the physical CD, bypassed the more common digital release, opting instead to package this new masterpiece on a USB.

It still comes in the jewel case like a CD, so you don’t have to worry about losing it. The USB stick in engraved with his name, birthday, and blood type (more important to Koreans than astrological signs) in his mother’s handwriting, and painted with a red ink to symbolize blood/birth. It’s ingenious, really. And once you have the USB, you have access to a website which is frequently updated with content so it’s like the gift that keeps on giving.

For instance, the new video for “Bullshit” was released last week on GD’s birthday, but only on the USB. It feels like being part of a secret club!

(Until someone inevitably puts it on YouTube, but hey—at least real fans got a few hours of feeling exclusive.)

The worst part about the third act is that it meant the show was coming to an end. No one wanted to say goodbye! When he left the stage before performing his huge single “Untitled (2014),” I knew he had to come back out for an encore. And when that encore only contained “Crooked” (and also “This Love” was playing while he introduced his band and singers, because he’s a true artist), I started to worry.

Of course, no one would leave after that. We knew there had to be more.

And just like that, his voice came booming out of the darkness, singing the opening line of “Untitled.” And when the screens turned on, we could see that he wasn’t on that stage—he was walking along through the photo pit, right next to the barricade! I had seen some videos of him doing this at some of the US shows and hoped he would do the same here, and there he was! He started on the left side and it quickly occurred to me that he was going to be right in front of me eventually—I felt like a woman on the edge, you guys. Totally unhinged, teetering on panic’s threshold, with full-blown shakes.

I’m not exaggerating—my legs were jiggling like Jello, every nerve in my body was electric, my face felt blanched. I thrust my phone at Henry and said, “HERE YOU DO THIS” because I was losing control of my motor skills and didn’t want to deal with capturing this Korean god on video. I just wanted to stand there and take it in with my own eyes. So I stood there, shaking violently, hands clasped under my chin, sobbing.

When he made it to our side, I couldn’t believe my luck. He was mere feet away from me. Right there, in person, this inspiring artist who helped me turn my life around without even knowing it—he was right there, with his perfect face and friendly smile, eyes sparkling, singing flawlessly into our crying faces.

If the girl behind me hadn’t been standing so close, I think I would have collapsed. No jokes here. My legs were weak and wobbly, friends. This was almost too much for me to handle and part of me wanted to bury my face in Henry’s side and shut out the whole world before I had a nervous breakdown.

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This video was viewed nearly 50,000 times in Instagram! I have never had a video viewed even a fraction of that before. That’s the power of Kwon Jiyong. <3

OMFG. I can’t handle it.

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I have a video of the whole song on YouTube but these are the best clips. Props to Henry for enduring all the girls pushing and shoving him. (To be honest though, this crowd was amazing and polite, I couldn’t believe it.)

And then he walked through a door on the side of the stage, the lights came on, and the staff started shouting for everyone to leave. Amazing, magical night. There are no other words in my vocabulary oeuvre right now, just amazing and magical. I will always associate those words with this night, forever. This was the best birthday of my whole life and I will never, ever forget it. I was absolutely on fire when we walked to the subway, talking a mile a minute while absorbing all of the beautiful Korean conversations taking place around me.

I know I must really love him because I’m not sore at ALL from all the standing we did. Usually my back hurts and I start to get antsy halfway through long concerts like that, but I didn’t feel any pain at all! I must have physically removed myself from my body that night in all the GD excitement. I told Henry all of this and asked him if he felt the same way.

“Nope. I’m in fucking pain,” he casually answered.

But he did admit that he enjoyed the show and felt it was 100% worth it. He might not worship the cherry blossoms GD walks beneath like I do, but he thinks GD is a great performer and will openly admit that to anyone who sneeringly asks him how awful the night was for him.

YOU GUYS THIS WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER. How will this ever be topped? Maybe if I get to see BIGBANG someday—IN SEOUL. ON MY BIRTHDAY.

A girl can dream.

***

When we came home from Toronto, Chris & Monica suggested that we go out for ice cream do they could hear about the show, and for the next full week at work, people were coming over to my desk and asking, “Well?? How was it?” That meant so much and made me feel so good to know that a lot of people seriously understood how giant this event was for me! I wish I could turn it into a pillow and relive the whole night every time I lay my head down.

Le sigh.

The release of the Warped Tour lineup is one of the most anticipated days of the year for me (see also: Someone Needs Friends, a Life, and Hobbies). But I have to be honest, this year’s lineup left much to be desired for me. I was really stoked for Dance Gavin Dance of course, but there was nothing else that really grabbed me, and Warped Tour is not really something you go to just to see thy one band you love play a 30 minute set.

But then last month, I gave the lineup another once-over. I’m. It sure if more bands were added by then or what, but I suddenly saw a bunch of small bands that I somehow missed the first time I looked at it, and the excitement snapped back and hit me like a buckle-laden Ehrbarkeit*.

*(I was reading about German bricklayers, as one does. Sue me.)

It’s been almost two weeks now since our glorious full-day romp under the blazing sun to the surround-sound tune of competing screams and machine-gun drumming, but I would be remiss not to recap the bands we saw because one day when I’m Henry’s age, I’m going to have a muddled mind and need help remembering if we saw Boston Manor or Boston Manners.  Who knows?!

And maybe someone will walk away with a new jam or two after reading this, which is is always my greatest hope. I wish sharing music was my job!

Here’s a rundown of bands we saw (some just partial sets):

• Eternal Boy
• American Authors
• Lakeshore
• Boston Manor
• Microwave
• Silent Planet
• New Year’s Day
• Our Last Night
• Jule Vera
• Hands Like Houses
• Movements
• Courage My Love
• Andy Black
• Attila (NOT BY CHOICE)
• Dance Gavin Dance

Eternal Boy:

Pittsburgh pop-punk veterans. They used to be known as SpacePimps but recently gave themselves a brand makeover. One of the guys, Rishi, is the man responsible for the Pittsburgh-based pop punk Four Chord Festival. I went to the last one and saw Eternal Boy for the first time and was surprised how much I liked them. So I made it a point to check them out again at Warped. They were the first band to play on the Full Sail stage so we got our pop-punk on right away.

They kept talking about their new album Awkward Face, and I was like, “WOW THAT’S SO ME AND YOU, CHOOCH. WE ALWAYS MAKE AWKWARD FACES. HERE, MAKE AN AWKWARD FACE AND I’LL TAKE A PICTURE” and Chooch finally snapped and said, “Oh my GOD, they’re saying Awkward PHASE, not FACE!” and his tone was a glimpse into the future, where I suddenly am phased out and not cool anymore. Ugh.

Anyway, they weren’t as exciting as I remembered them to be, so we moseyed on over to the Journeys Right Foot stage to check out….

American Authors

I mean, I’m not a giant fan, but I know that one song, you know, That Song that is played on the radio and was in a bunch of movies two years ago (probably?). I couldn’t remember the song though and kept telling Henry and Chooch, “No seriously, they have one really popular song and you’ll know it when you hear it, I swear” and they probably thought I meant popular in the Alternative Press sense and not Top 40 radio.

But then finally, for their last song, they invited some peeps on stage from Save Ferris and when the opening notes wafted off into the amphitheater, Chooch was all, “OMG THIS SONG? THIS IS THEIR SONG!?” and even Henry was like, “Oh wow, this song, OK.”

Anyway, it’s this song:

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Which segues perfectly into…

BOSTON MANOR

YEAH BOI. This is the shit I was looking for on this day. Boston Manor is a pop-punk (sort of? but not?) band from Blackpool, England and they’ve been on my “must-see” list for quite some time now. They did NOT disappoint. Energy? Check. Passionate screams? Check. Poignant lyrics? Triple check all the way to Vans tent for a bandanna to sop up your tears. I was so pumped! Even Chooch was like, “I like them! But I’m going to walk around now. Come on, Daddy” because Chooch is what you’d call…a kid? Possibly with ADHD? Who’s not easily impressed? Whatever, let them leave.

Side story: During Boston Manor’s set, there were two older women in front of me. One of them spotted one of the guys from Bad Omens off to the side of the stage. They were performing next, so the whole band was milling about, and these old broads were flipping their shit. They had legit point-and-shoot cameras which they pulled out of their fannypacks, and they were practically stepping on each other trying to take pictures of these guys. I thought this was a bit odd, not that these old ladies couldn’t be down with Separations, but this band is not big at all so it’s not like they were trying to sneak a pic of, I don’t know, Barry Manilow or something.

But then a younger girl wearing steampunk goggles strutted over, and it turns out she was with the old bitches. They were frantically trying to pantomime to her over top of Boston Manor that the guys from Bad Omens were behind the barrier, and she did that snotty girl thing where was like, “WHAT????” with a disgusted look on her face, like the “why are you talking to me in public?” kind of look.

(See also: the Bitch from Milky Way look.)

But then she understood what was going on and became downright FRANTIC. She started looking all around and then marched over to the side of the stage, where she was able to get the attention of one of the Bad Omens guys (I know nothing about this band, although I’m listening to them right now for research, and they kind of sound like Bring Me the Horizon — newer, not old). He came over and let her under the yellow caution tape, where she gave him a bundle of bananas from her backpack and he gave her an appreciate embrace.

So, that happened.

But Boston Manor!! So fucking good.

Lakeshore

We came across Lakeshore randomly as we passed by the Hard Rock stage, and they were pleasant enough to get me to stop. This was also around the time Henry discovered free Slurpees, so we were a bit distracted. But we did chill out for most of their set and at one point, I said something about how they sounded familiar, like something I would have listened to in 2008 or 2010, and Henry said he was thinking the same thing, actually wondering if we had seen them before around that time, and then we were all HAHAHAHA at our symbiotic relationship. How can I put this delicately without sounding like I’m hating on them, because I’m totally not….they had a bland yet pleasing sound that makes it perfect to have on in the background, and it’s interesting enough that you will eventually ask yourself, “I like this—who is it?” and then you realize, “Oh it’s Lakeshore, why can’t I ever remember that??”

Does that make sense?

I thought they were a good fit for Warped Tour, a good palate cleanser — not too pop punk, not too screamo.

Anyway, Chooch was determined to get the singer’s autograph afterward, even though he totally didn’t care about the music at all, because this was around the time he realized that there were areas in the official Warped Tour to get bands’ signatures. So like collecting the signatures of all the characters at Disney World, except in a more violent and dirty environment.

By the time the singer got to the merch booth, Chooch realized that Lakeshore didn’t have a page in the program (only some of the bands did), so he got the dude to just sign the front. He also got their set list. I was like, “Why didn’t the guy just sign the set list?” and Chooch had no answer for me. Henry and I were too busy chilling in the lawn when this was going down. Chooch does shit on his own now, you guys.

Microwave

I was devastated when we missed Microwave at Riot Fest last year (someone was playing at the same time, but I can’t remember who). I got to see the singer do an acoustic set, and that was cool, but I really had started to grow fond of Microwave around that time and was hyped to see them. Finally got my chance at Warped and I was…pretty disappointed. Maybe it was just a bad atmosphere and somewhere like the Smiling Moose would be better?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BW2x_Ojh3EE/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Henry was not impressed at all, and I was like, “But no really—-they’re a great band! I swear!” Ugh. They didn’t sound bad, per se, but they just didn’t have that spark that captivated me. I won’t give up on you, Microwave! Next time you’re in Pittsburgh, it’s on.

Silent Planet

They were playing on one of the big Monster stages in the parking lot and Chooch actually expressed interest in checking them out. However, when we got over to their stage, that’s when we saw that Gwar was doing a meet-n-greet, so we got in line for that and Silent Planet became background noise. Sorry, Silent Planet! You seemed good when I was paying attention! Good and screamy!

Jule Vera

Chooch has been clamoring to see this band again ever since he saw them open for Never Shout Never in 2016. Plus, they just put out a new album so we were both stoked to hear some of the new songs live. They unfortunately were playing on the Journeys stage,  but it was luckily still early enough in the day that it wasn’t too crowded in front of the stage — the pit is so small under that amphitheater and it makes it really hard to get up close for some of the bigger bands, which kills me.

I made Henry buy Chooch earplugs since we were so close to the speakers, which are all a billion times more loud on those stages. And also because I wanted to know what it feels like to be a parent who’s on top of things.

(It didn’t feel like anything special really.)

Jule Vera was fun to watch, as usual. Maybe Warped Tour isn’t the best venue for this but I was sad when they didn’t do their crazy collective drum solo, which is incredible to watch. It’s what sold me the night we saw them at Mr. Small’s, and when Henry and I saw them last year at Riot Fest, even he was impressed. And he is not usually moved in the slightest when it comes to bands of any sort. Still, they had a great set and Ainsley’s vocals were on point as usual.

I turned around before they were over, and spotted sleeping in one of the seats behind us, head back and mouth open. HOW?! It was so fucking loud down there!

After they were done, Chooch and Henry ran (OK, Chooch ran and Henry meandered) up the hill to Jule Vera’s merch booth so that he could get them to sign his Warped program. He had already talked to them at the beginning of the day when they were setting up their booth but he didn’t have his program yet, god forbid. While that was happening, I walked over to the other side of the amphitheater for….

Hands Like Houses

These guys are on my forever Can’t Miss list. They are just so beautifully Australian and I especially love the guy up there on the left, whom I have been adoringly referring to as The Tim Curry Guy for the last five or six years because he looks like if Tim Curry was in a band in the 70s ok?! So if you’ve been around for previous Warped Tour posts, chances are you’re already acquainted with these bros from Canberra (which is where I met The Cure in 2000, so these Aussies are dear to my heart).

This was probably my least favorite time seeing them though because I HATE THAT AMPHITHEATER. I know, you get it by now. And there was douchey fuck boy who came barreling through the crowd halfway through their set, pushing me and several other girls out of the way, and bro’d out with his sweaty pits exposed for all to smell. Eventually he bull-dozed his way further into the crowd and I was free to breathe again.

After HLH, this happened:

And Chooch even asked them for a picture all on his own! I guess when he was in line before, it was a signing only, so he snagged them later on when no one else was around.

Movements

Ughhhh! I have been dying to see these guys again ever since Chooch and I saw them a year in Cleveland with Pierce the Veil. I hate comparing them to La Dispute simply because they have that spoken word element, but there are so few bands like this in our scene right now so the comparison is inevitable. Post-hardcore, emo-revival — I don’t care what you call them, just go listen. They are like a breath of fresh air and make me feel like I’m young again, and that everything is worth fighting for, DON’T GIVE UP.

Ugh!!!!!!!!

Henry said they “weren’t bad” which is a solid B in Professor Henry’s Warped Tour Band Grade Book.

I think this is a good song of theirs to share, in light of Chester Bennington’s recent suicide and the topic of depression being on the table again, and it should never be taken off the table because while these things don’t go away, they can be managed and overcome—I struggle with it quietly but never silently, and sometimes the struggle gets loud. And it’s OK to get loud. (Sorry, Henry.)

Please support Movements. This band is going to be huge. They’re going to touch a lot of lives. I love them.

Courage My Love

I can’t tell you how long I have been trying to see this band, but we always pass each other like ships in the night. The singer, Mercedes, used to date Craig Owens (BadxChannels, ex-Chiodos), which is how I first heard of them. I miss them every time they’re at Warped Tour or in town though! This time I made sure they were on my list, and we even got to the Full Sail stage before they started.

Henry thought they were ‘just alright” but I really enjoyed it. Warped Tour is such a fucking sausage party, and it’s definitely been slammed for that in the past, so it’s always nice to see some solid females on these stages. Some of them are just not our speed at all (Chooch and I absolutely couldn’t stand this one British band on the Skullcandy stage with a girl singer, I can’t remember their name but they were ska and just super screechy and annoying). OK I just looked it up for the sake of my fake journalistic tendencies, and they’re called Sonic Boom Six.

MORE LIKE SONIC BOOM SUX, AMIRITE?! OH SNAP.

But no, Courage My Love was beautiful and had a pleasing aesthetic, and a girl drummer who also sings! Tyler from Sworn In came over and sang on one of their songs, and I was observing him afterward, standing in the back corner of the stage, watching Mercedes adoringly to the point where I wondered if they were dating, but after creeping on her Instagram, it appears she’s dating some Canadian guy?

:(

I wanted it to be a Warped Tour romance.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BW2xqEwhOb3/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Afterward, Chooch ran to their merch booth because he had to get her to sign his damn program (I don’t think they were in it though so she signed the front). While he was waiting for Mercedes to come over, I noticed that the singer – Henry – from Boston Manor was just chilling in the middle of the lot, so I coaxed Chooch into getting him to sign his program, because Boston Manor had a page in it. Not-Our-Henry seemed totally stoked to sign this for Chooch. “Your set was awesome,” Chooch said, and Cooler-Than-Our-Henry said, “Aw, thanks buddy!” and he sounded SO HAPPY. Little does he know that I was the one who stood there during their whole set, giving them my undivided attention, while Chooch decided he needed to patrol the grounds for free shit.

But whatever.

What a nice guy! I wanted to buy something from their booth but I was trying to conserve money for our upcoming G-Dragon trip. Ugh, I just want to buy all the records though!!

Meanwhile, Chooch got to meet Mercedes and was all red-faced and nervous about it:

I told him we should start a scrapbook for all his concert memories and he glared at me. Then I glared at myself because what a mom thing to suggest.

Dance Gavin Dance

Finally, the band of the hour! Except that first we had to endure an entire Attila set. They were playing on the other stage and we got to the dumb amphitheater early because we wanted to get a good (enough) spot for DGD since Chooch has never seen them. Suffice to say, this was the furthest back I’ve ever been at a DGD show and I was so sad about it.

But first: an Attila rant. This band is just so shitty, like a next generation Limp Bizkit. All their songs are filled with “suck my fuck”s and the amount of little white girls throwing their fists in their air during these vapid, meaningless hardcore party songs made me feel sick to my stomach, because Fronzilla is the biggest sexist piece of shit motherfucker to walk the grounds of Warped Tour and he deserves zero fame and credibility. This music is what little suburban rich kids listen to in Daddy’s Hummer to feel like a bad ass. Even Chooch was like, “This shit is awful.” I wish Kevin Lyman would stop inviting this worthless band back to Warped Tour, but I guess at the end of the day, it’s all about that cash money.

Also, never forget the time Fronz was on MTV’s Made. 

The meanest thing about Warped Tour is that you only get to see your favorite bands perform for 30 minutes. IT’S CRUEL  And Chooch and I were sharing the role of Goldilocks, trying in vain to find the spot in the amphitheater that was “just right.” This resulted in us getting separated from Henry who was sitting in a seat way up front but in an area where Chooch couldn’t see at all. It was excruciating. I wanted this to be on one of the Monster stages so fucking badly, where we could snuggle into a spot on the side of the stage and feed off the energy of the crowd. Their was no energy to be fed in this scenario! The crowd was weak. People were milling about in front of us the whole time. I wanted to be standing.

But, at the end of the day, Chooch was able to see everything and since it was his first DGD experience, this was all that mattered. When you’re a kid, it’s important to be able to see! And good thing too, because he was dying over Tilian’s slick dance moves.

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So far away! Boo, hiss!

Here is the video for their newest song, please enjoy it thoroughly. It’s got that 1980s yacht rock slow jam sax:

*********

And this concludes my 2017 Warped Tour experience! I’m sad that I missed Beartooth, Separations, Counterparts, Blessthefall, and Being As An Ocean. That’s the downside of Warped Tour: too many great bands playing simultaneously!

The only thing Warped Tour was missing was Emarosa. Sigh – it just didn’t feel like Warped Tour without them, after being spoiled with two consecutive years of them!

Hope someone out there found a band or two to explore. There were a lot of great ones this year!

It wouldn’t be summer around here if I didn’t expound on Warped Tour in at LEAST three separate blog posts. It is quite literally my Christmas in July and I savor this day every single year. EVERY SINGLE YEAR!

We woke up early Friday morning and it was pouring. Not just pouring, but STORMING. And the forecast for the rest of the day looked dismal as well. All clouds and lightning. I sadly (but also excitedly since I still haven’t been able to wear this) tucked my rain poncho into my Bled Fest bag and we went on our way.

At breakfast, dumb Glenn trolled  me a with a text that said “great day for an outdoor concert” and I could imagine sitting at his dumb desk at desk work, looking at three different weather sites at once and laughing sinisterly. I IGNORED THE BAIT.

But then by the time we got to Warped Tour at 11, the skies had turned a bright, beautiful blue and the sun was a’blazing.

“We were promised overcast,” the metalhead guy in front of me sighed, clad in black all the way down to his platform skull-encrusted shit-kickers. So I figured it was safe to finally reply to Glenn’s text with a cheerful, “It really is! Blue skies and sunny!”

Amber told me later that Glenn was so giddy over the original forecast that he wanted our whole group to send me taunting texts!

SUCK IT GLENN!

OK, so this post will be primarily a collection of photos from our day. Chooch is supposedly going to help me with captions SO WE’LL SEE.

Chooch: “It me!”

American Satan is a movie that Andy Biersack from Black Veil Brides is in so Henry and I did a big matchy-matchy eye roll every time we walked past one of the posters. Not huge fans of BVB at all, but I will say that we caught a few minutes of Andy’s solo stage (he goes by Andy Black) and it wasn’t too bad.

Where’s Chooch-o?

Chooch: What are you doing to meeeeee?

I smooshed Chooch’s hair down so it looked more Caesar-esque because it made him look like the singer from Boston Manor but Chooch hates what I like so as soon as I took this picture, he gave his hair a hearty swipe with his sweaty meat paw and totally ruined the look. Chooch is like the Warped Tour Prince, Mr. Been There Done That, Master of Meet-n-Greets, Virtuoso of Racing to the Vans Tent to Get the Free Prize.

Someone from Jule Vera assumed this was his first Warped Tour, which made Chooch scoffingly say, “Um this is my fifth rodeo, partner.”

Or…you know, something like that.

Chooch: What’s Daddy grabbing? Someone’s boob!

Wow, that would be the boob of either a giantress or a circus girl on stilts, son. Or maybe Jeffree Star?!

(OMG I just realized that I don’t think Jeffree Star was at Warped Tour this year!)

While Chooch and I were spectating Lakeshore on the Hard Rock Stage, Henry slipped away into the wilds of Warped Tour. We just shrugged and kept on watching the band because we don’t need Henry.

(OK I TAKE IT BACK WE NEED YOU HENRY PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US.)

A few minutes later, Henry came causally ambling back to us, happily scooping a Slushie into his moustachioed maw.

Chooch and I sang various tunes of “HOW WHAT WHERE WHY? WE WANT! WE WANT!” while Henry just stood there smirking. Finally, he pointed to where the free Slushie truck was set up and Chooch and I were like VROOM VROOM MOTHERFUCKERS, running through the crowd with a mission.

Yeah boiiii!!Free Slurpees all day long! I only had one though. Henry had approximately 15. Henry is really good at making the best of a bad situation. Does he WANT to go to Warped Tour? Hard no. But you better believe he’s going to milk it for all its worth.

Same with Chooch. That little shit was coming back from the Maltesers tent every time I turned around. And hey, speaking of those chocolate balls, they were delicious! I thought they were going to taste like Whoppers, which I strongly dislike, and they SORT OF did but they were coated with the thickest, creamiest chocolate ever and so fucking delicious. ARE THESE IN STORES YET?!

Chooch and Henry played some game in that tent while I was busy, you know, enjoying bands which is the whole point of Warped Tour the last time I checked. Something about moving Maltesers with a straw or something and I guess they lost which is amazing because they both suck so hard!

Chooch: These are better than Malts or whatever they’re called.

WHOPPERS, SON. WHOPPERS.

For the first time ever, there wasn’t a single band on the big stages that we wanted to see (well, there were a few but the schedules overlapped too much with the bands I REALLY wanted to see, so I had to skip Blessthefall, for example). Maybe this is why Warped Tour didn’t really feel as Warped this year. Don’t get it twisted – we still had a great time. But I feel like we spent most of the day under the ampitheater because most of the bands we wanted to see were playing on the two Journeys stages there and that’s my least favorite spot. It’s hard to get close to the stage and the atmosphere is just off. I want all my favorite bands to be playing on the two main stages in the parking lot! UGH.

#WarpedTourProblems

Chooch: You should go to Warped Tour because there’s a lot of stuff you can do! A lot of amazing merch, and amazing bands, there you go. It’s a summary.

Wow, Chooch should do commercials. And also read more books to broaden his weak vocab!

But seriously, the merch just gets better and better. Chooch and I both wanted a Pentagram shirt that said “Hail Seitan, Go Vegan” on it but then I would have felt like a poser because I’m not a full-time vegan, just a regular old vegetarian.

I wish I could encapsulate the sounds and smells of Warped Tour (maybe not the stinky armpits stench though) into a live action snowglobe so that I can enjoy it all year round. It’s my favorite environment. All the stages of stanky bass and gutteral bellows, all the (poor) fashion choices, all the vulgarity from the carny-esque merch slingers—it’s a fucking scene kid dreamscape.

Speaking of scene kids though — I REALLY miss the scene kids from the 2007-2010 era. Gone are the raccoon-haired scene queens and the fluorescent YOLO booty shorts and the crabcore stages and the swoop-y hair on the boys. I miss this! Now it’s mostly just a bunch of regular looking kids with tattoos and piercings but nothing extraordinarily flamboyant.

We noticed that there were a lot more families there this year, which is interesting. There were a lot of older bands on the tour this year, specifically to get the older fans to start coming out again, and I guess it worked. Usually Chooch is one of the few kids out and about but there seemed to be a TON this time. Don’t worry — none of them were as cool as Chooch though.

And here is a random accidental upside photo of body-painted legs.

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Chooch played a Name That Tune-type of game at the Truth tent and was getting super frustrated because he never knew BOTH the name of the song and the band, only just one or the other. I eventually left because Movements was starting on the nearby Full Sail stage, and that’s when Chooch finally got one right: some song by Migos?! I have no idea who this even is, but he won a super sweet t-shirt that has A DONUT ON THE POCKET. I love the Truth tent.

OK, my next Warped Tour post will be about the bands, and then we can close this chapter until next year!

Warning: This blog post is a shit show of typos (probably), gross overuse of exclamatory statements, and a landmine of videos that no one will watch. Please just pretend that you’re reading the blog of a fifteen-year-old and then it will make more sense.

Ahhhh, this was the night I was waiting for! Twice and CNBlue were both performing and I was pinching myself repeatedly because HOW WAS THIS NOT A K-DREAM?

Henry dropped us off at the Prudential Center around the time line-up was beginning. This was one of my few complaints about KCON and maybe it’s more of the Prudential Center, but holy shit was this a clutserfucked disarray of clueless people, Chooch and myself included. The side of the arena we had lined up the night before was completely different so I asked one of the KCON volunteers and he said we needed to be on the opposite side. So we left a perfectly good line and trudged back to the side where Henry had dropped us off, only to find five messy lines full of people who had no clue where they were supposed to be. I know this because I kept asking people if we were in the right line and it was a bunch of undulating question marks, people.

So many confused souls.

Some of the guys from the AT&T tent came over near our line with huge boxes of extra finger heart hats and they started giving them away, so at least we got a small prize for getting in line a million hours early when we had seats. We got one for Henry too who refuses to wear his in public because he knows he can’t pull off that k-look.

Meanwhile, a girl in the next line over noticed my Pierce the Veil shirt and started singing “Yeah Boy & Doll Face” and we lowkey became best friends.  OG PTV fans unite!

We finally got to go inside after having security scream in our faces about what we couldn’t bring in and Chooch was about to lose his shit because like me, he hates being screamed at by authority figures—it doesn’t scare him, it just makes him want to fight. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD TRAIT HE PICKED UP FROM MOMMY.

Once we were safely in our nosebleed seats, we took a selca (selfie for you Americans) to send to Henry who didn’t answer right away because he was probably at a strip club –  LOL JK he was most definitely laying in bed at the hotel, watching lame TV shows on his phone.

One of the first things I noticed when dipping my toe into the Kpop pond was that the audience was always waving some type of glowing wand in every live video I watched, no matter what group it was. That’s when I learned about LIGHT STICKS and how each group has their own design.

I wanted to buy one immediately but then I never did because I honestly never thought I’d be attending any Kpop concerts in the near future—I love when I’m wrong about these kinds of things!

We couldn’t find any light sticks on the first day because we didn’t look hard enough, but by the second day, we got our coveted Awesome Wands! They didn’t have merch for each individual group (aside from some unofficial stuff like pins, etc) so we had to stick with the KCON light stick which was better than nothing! I just wish I had bought a Twice Candybong online beforehand like I was considering.

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On this second night of KCON, we were treated to a tear-jerking violin performance by Jun Curry Ahn (“This is from ‘Goblin’!” I yelled in Chooch’s ear during the rendition of Crush’s “Beautiful” and Chooch just rolled his eyes because he won’t let himself trust-fall into the strong yet cushion-y arms of Korean dramas) who also did a bit of dancing too when he performed his cover of BTS’s “Spring Day.” I loved it! But when I sent Henry the short clip I recorded, he was just like, “OK.” Nothing impresses Henry, except for airplanes, and possibly when he knows the meaning of a moderately large word used on NCIS.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BWeGXtfhLof/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

The dance group 1Million also performed and Chooch and I were blown away. I want him to learn to dance but he doesn’t seem to understand just yet that being a good dancer gets the girls.

As soon as 1Million was done, the KCON intro started up, getting us all hyper and screaming. I expected Up10tion to come out first, but KCON had a surprise for us! They put together a JYP tribute stage (JYP is one of the labels/agencies in S. Korea) and who rose up from below the stage?

Momo, Nayeon, Mina, and Sana from Twice! They performed part of “Bad Girl Good Girl” by Miss A, and I’m pretty sure the girl behind me had a bloody throat from shrieking. Then they left the stage as Jihyo, Tzuyu, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Jeongyeon (Chooch’s and my bias!) came out to sing Wonder Girls’ “Nobody” (I just made Henry do the KpopX workout routine to this song last weekend!) and then my throat joined the throat of the girl behind me in a collective pool of blood:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BVyPh3DBiaP/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

The JYP special stage ended with all nine of them performing JY Park’s “Honey.”

[Fun crossover-culture fact for my non-kpop people: JY Park (the head of JYP, obv.) has a music video featuring Conan O’Brien and Steven Jeun from “The Walking Dead.” Watch it or not. I’ll never know.]

Now that Twice got us all riled up, the main event was ready to begin with Up10tion completely wowing us with their dance moves and super adorable fan engaging. Chooch was getting all kinds of fashion tips from them (who am I to deny my son of the hot pink blazer he now desperately covets?) while I was feeling the beginning of a new obsession starting.

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THEY WERE REALLY FUN, OK.

And they performed the new song they were talking about at the fan engagement that morning, and I loved it! When the video was finally released a week later, I was so excited and now I will post it here and make you all watch it (no seriously, you have to watch this one):

NCT-127 was next and while I was interested, I wasn’t expecting to get all caught up in the hype. They’re clearly one of the latest “it boy groups” that all the girls are fighting over and even though I watched some of their videos, and even one of their appearances on Weekly Idol (which is how I learned one of them is from Chicago and his name, obviously, is Johnny), I just wasn’t getting caught up in it. One of the kpop dance workouts I do uses their song “Firetruck” and I actually don’t care much for the song but I like the dance routine so it’s one of the ones I do regularly. Well, I’m here to tell you that I now officially love the song and the group because their moxie-level is higher than that dude who sold me iced coffee in an alley head shop. Chooch and I agreed that the boy groups on night two were the best and mostly because of their dancing.

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I get it now, girls. And if I hadn’t gotten it right away, I sure as fuck would have been chugging the kool-aid after they finished their awkward Fortune Wheel and came back to perform CHERRY BOMB. (Again, this was another song that I wasn’t feeling when it was first released, but after those basslines nearly brought the house down, I was fucking sold and have this song playing in my head at least 127 different times a day.)

Because the word “honestly” is in my blog, I feel like I need to be a little negative for just one quick second and admit that I hated their outfits OK MOVING ALONG…

(I mean, their dancing pretty much makes up for their weird Uncle-Rodney-Came-to-Xmas-Dinner-in-1968-Drunk-Again pantsuits.)

OK, what happened next was that Chooch and I were skyrocketed straight up into Kpop heaven. Straight the fuck up, no rest stops, no traffic, no time to fight over the music selection.

BECAUSE IT WAS TIME FOR TWICE!

Sure, we already had a sneak peek earlier in the night with the JYP special stage, but nothing could have prepared us for the aegyo explosion as they performed Signal, Cheer Up, Knock Knock, and motherfucking TT!!!!!

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Oh, stop! Have you ever seen more perfect angels on a stage?!

Chooch and I were sufficiently shocked and awed. After each song, Chooch sat up straight and clapped with the purest sincerity, like he was at the opera, and it was so adorable. He said they were his favorite of the whole weekend and I have to agree — the whole place just exploded with enthusiasm the entire time they were on stage.

For their turn at the Fortune Wheel, they got “photo time” and they made the best of it. HOW ARE THEY SO ADORABLE?! I sent this to Henry and he was like, “Is that all they did the whole time was make cute poses?” and Chooch and I were like IT WAS DURING THE FORTUNE WHEEL, DUMMY.

This guy next to me was there with his wife, I guess, and his expression never changed all night. He never smiled, applauded, laughed—-nothing. He eventually got up and left during Twice and never came back. Some people just weren’t meant to feel joy I guess.

I wish Blake had been there with us — he really likes Twice too! And Henry admitted that he was sort of sad Chooch took his ticket because he was secretly to see Twice. Guys, I make him watch a lot of Twice TV, where they’re out and about being super adorable and funny. We’re all Onces in our house (THAT’S WHAT TWICE FANS CALL THEMSELVES, GET WITH IT).

There’s a video of Tzuyu and Jeongyeon in Times Square during KCON weekend, standing in a crowd and watching a bunch of people do a dance cover of TT – and they went completely unnoticed. I would have died if I turned around and saw them standing behind me!

I have tons of videos from their stages (in kpop world, they will say, “We hope you like our next stage” before starting the next song; these are the things I’m learning on your behalf, you’re welcome), but I will spare you.

I can’t remember now if Up10tion did their special Broadway stage before or after Twice, but in any case, they came out and performed some Abba song from Mama Mia, whatever the song is where they said “honey,” I don’t know musicals. This was adorable though because Up10tion fans are called Honeys! Oh, kpop.

The finale of the whole KCON experience was CNBlue. They’re the most veteran out of the whole lineup, and the only group that’s also an actual band. The lead singer, Yong Hwa, is my favorite Running Man guest! He’s made more guest appearances on the show than anyone else, and he is just a great competitor AND SO NICE TO LOOK AT.

They started off their stage with “Between Us” and I was having heart palpitations.

Yong Hwa gave such good fan service, too! He was all over the stage, taking selfies with audience members’ phones, dancing so prettily – it was a phenomenal performance, and Yong Hwa’s English is so good!

Really, there isn’t anything more I can say other than [INSERT 823981 SUPERLATIVES HERE]. KCON was so dreamy, so jam-packed with fun and amazement and opportunities, and honestly it was just what me and my little family needed. A break from the bullshit, into this surreal world of pop perfection.

During the Goodbye Stage, I started crying (of course) and Chooch started talking about “when we come back next year” and I was like, “OMG ARE WE?!”

“I don’t know, I’m not in charge of that!” Chooch said. Ugh that’s right: Henry is.

I woke up bright and early on day two of KCON and demanded that Henry go down to the lobby and score us breakfast muffins since Chooch and I are pathetic children with little-to-no life skills and depend on our burly manservant to keep us alive.

In other words, I didn’t have my makeup on yet.

When we went downstairs to wait for our Lyft, the lobby was bustling with tour groups preparing for a day in NYC, and I felt a twinge of jealousy.

Originally, we were going to skip the convention on the second day and go to NYC instead since we were so close that we could actually see it from Newark and it was TANTALIZING. But then I ended up scoring that fan engagement for Up10tion on the day we registered, and that was scheduled for 11am on Saturday. We considered going after that, but I started to panic about all the unknowns: the traffic; getting engulfed by the dark underbelly of the city, never to resurface; being seduced by the bright lights and losing all track of time; getting stabbed in Central Park — YOU KNOW, ALL THE NORMAL NYC THINGS.

Plus, none of us have ever been to NYC (I’ve only been to JFK and LaGuardia airports, which don’t count) and would a few hours on a Saturday afternoon truly be enough to satiate the naive tourists in us? So we decided that we would come back another time, when we have nothing else to do, and can devote a whole weekend to shuffling around in fanny packs and sun visors.

Alas, our Lyft driver rolled up around 9:45 and Henry started tersely whispering, “Sit in the front. Erin, sit in the front. Please sit in the front.” And then as I slid into the backseat next to Chooch, “Fuck you.”

I guess he felt uncomfortable sitting in the passenger seat next to the young girl driver? Lol.

Chooch and I both preferred Friday’s Lyft driver over this one. Friday’s was super talkative, but Saturday’s was very stiff and quiet. She had vinyl stickers all over her car, begging for a five-star rating. Girl, Jessica Simpson was playing on your radio when we got in the car. No 5 stars for you.

This reminds me: the Lyft driver from KCON day one had on some Top 40 radio station from NYC and the DJs were talking about Charlie Puth, how in his latest song “Attention,” there is a part where his voice cracks a little, and how most pop singers would have been like, “I need to re-record this part” but Charlie was like, “No, keep it. This is real and my emotions caused this” or whatever. I’ve heard that song several times prior to this but never noticed the part they were talking about until they played it and isolated the exact word where his voice kind of turns into a whisper and it gave me actual chills. Now I have much more appreciation for Charlie Puth and have listened to that song a million times since that day because it moves me to tears.

I will always think of riding in the backseat of Lyft Driver Carolina’s car, past the Newark airport and into the industrial section of Newark, every time I hear this song.

The second day of the convention was mostly the same, but with different panels and fan engagements. We hit up all the booths again, filling up on more free samples, and this time we managed to get Henry in on the Drama Fever action. We chose the Goblin background this time but it was dumb with three of us because the whole point is that you’re supposed to wear a red scarf and then stand facing to the right with your arm outstretched so it looks like you’re pointing at the Goblin’s sword BUT WHATEVER IT’S FINE.

Every single person in line in front of us won at the wheel spinning thing so we had a feeling that we were about to kill the streak. Plus, the people remembered my Instagram name and I think they were like, “OH SHIT, CAN’T HAVE A DOUBLE WINNER!” so we lost, UGH. I was hoping to win a Twice fan engagement but WHATEVER IT’S FINE I’LL LIVE.

:(

We should have posted the picture on Chooch’s Instagram instead. I’m so stupid.

Aeound 10:30, I made my way to the area where the fan engagement lines were. Since I was just in the basic no hi-touch audience for this one, I felt much less stress. That is, until the boy in front of me dipped under the yellow queue tape because there was literally no one line so I followed suit AND WHO IS THE ONE WHO GOT YELLED AT? ME! THE SHEEP!

Ugh, that’s the second time I got scolded at one of these damn things! I will try harder to stand up straight and be a perfect Pollyanna rule abider next time! God I felt like such a dick! But then I also had rage because hello THAT GUY DID IT FIRST, yell at him, too. :(

But the next security person I encountered totally made up for it — she was such a character and really made the most of her job of checking our fan engagement tickets and clicking her little people-counter thing by interacting with us, dancing, and just being a damn fool. The girl several people in front of me apparently had a hi-touch card and the security lady was all, “OOOH SHIT GIRL, you in the WRONG LINE! You better get your butt over there so you can touch your cute little Korean boys!” and then she made sure the other security people let the girl into the correct line. It was so nice of her!

I loved that lady. Why couldn’t they all be as nice as her? :(

This time, I was smart and left my purse with Henry so that I didn’t get all held up in that fucking bag-check fuckarow again, although it seemed like they had sorted out the system by Saturday and the lines were moving pretty smoothly.

Similarly to KNK, I didn’t know much about Up10tion but these fan engagements really make it impossible to not fall in love with the groups, regardless of how well you know them. Kevin Woo was the MC for this one and they jokingly asked him to be their 10th member, since one of the guys left, taking them down to a nine-member group and making their name awkward. (Kevin Woo used to be in the kpop group U-Kiss, in case you didn’t know, but now he’s the host of an English kpop show in Seoul called After School Club. Now you know.)

Up10tion said that they were going to debut their new song “Runner” at the show that night, and then one of them sang a quick verse and I knew I was going to like it. Then some older woman in front of me farted, which was already horrible, but another woman was fanning herself with one of the cardboard fans that 7397498274 booths were handing out, and in the process she was essentially volleying the other lady’s fart right into my face at break-neck speeds. It was like fart-concentrate, not having the chance to disperse on its way to my nostrils. I was straight up gagging, you guys. Straight up gagging.

Even with the farts and scoldings for fake line-jumping, the Up10tion fan engagement was worth it. It was similar to KNK’s, in that there was a brief and language-barrier’d Q&A session, and then they also played charades (the audience’s category choice was overwhelmingly “animals” which was not my pick — I was in the minority who wanted them to act out kpop songs, but whatever). Super fucking fun though, especially watching their awkward display of aegyo.

(I’m obsessed with aegyo. I wish Henry more of it.)

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Meanwhile, Henry and Chooch were across the street in the other part of the convention that had all of the food and kpop vendors, but more importantly: the large, air-conditioned Amazon Mobile Masters tent. Chooch pretty much camped out in there and it was soooo boring to me. However, while I was in my fan engagement, Chooch got involved in some contest inside. There was an area with a bunch of Amazon Fires set up, and every so many hours there was a new game challenge going on. From 10-12, it was Crossy Roads. Chooch loves that game, and the top 3 high scores won prizes. First places got an Amazon Fire, and Chooch was determined to win. By the time I made my way over there, he had the current high score with 30 minutes left.

He was stalking that area like a cat looking for a mouse. All the Amazon volunteers thought it was hilarious and kept teasing him. “That guy’s coming close to beating your score, you want me to kick him?” one of them jokingly said to Chooch who looked like he was about to chew through his lip.

He was making me nervous with his pacing, so Henry and I went outside to look at all of the things he wouldn’t let me buy because I’m not a 16-year-old with a locker to decorate, UGH. However, I did buy a Twice pin at one of the booths, because they were raffling off a Twice Candybong (that’s what Twice’s light sticks are called,  I TEACH YOU SO MUCH!) and in order to enter, all you had to do was purchase one Twice-related item from their booth. I had my eye on the Twice zombie pin anyway, so I gladly bought it. The girl at the booth told me that I just had to put down my contact info on a clipboard after some other girl was finished with it, so I was standing there patiently when some fucking pushy dickhead guy came barreling through the crowd and said, “I WANT TO ENTER TOO” and started PULLING THE CLIPBOARD from the girl while she was still writing, I couldn’t even believe his audacity, maybe because I wasn’t raised to have total disregard for those around me, and it always blows my mind when I witness this kind of ME ME ME I WANT IT NOW behavior. It was the only disheartening moment of all of KCON, fan-wise, which I guess is a good thing. Most people were super chill and not pushy assholes at all.

“You have to buy something from this booth in order to enter,” I said, but he completely ignored me and went right on scribbling his shitty info down.

“He’s going to be the one who wins, too,” I cried to Henry afterward, who asked if I said something to the girl at the booth, but NO I DIDN’T because I’m tired of always being the fucking tattle-tale in life. I didn’t want some pointless confrontation to sully my experience at KCON so I chose to move on with my Twice pin shining brightly on my shorts next to G-Dragon. <3

(Spoiler: I didn’t win the Candybong.)

Back inside the Amazon tent, things were heating up. Chooch made frenemies with some guy who didn’t care about the challenge until he found out what the prizes were, and then he came close to beating Chooch’s score while Chooch was nervously hulking around, wringing his hands and dabbing his brow.

One of the Amazon guys came over and asked, “He yours?” and then started cracking up when I said sighed. Chooch won over all the Amazon people in there and I feel like they were would have been just as sad as Chooch if he lost.

Butttttt, he doesn’t lose. Because he’s freaking Good Luck Chooch. So then we had to stick around while the brat was presented with his Fire and got his picture taken in the Winner’s Chair.

Maybe I should have entered that Candybong raffle in Chooch’s name. :(

“I’m glad I came in first and not second because that prize was an Echo, and I already won one of those yesterday,” Chooch said with a wave of his hand, like the Echo was quite literally yesterday’s news. I can’t believe this kid and his luck.

I drowned my bitterness in a piping hot cup of ttkeokbokki after that and all was right in the world again.

Then after lunch, we were walking past the convention stage and the I Love K-Food people were there, tossing some of their products out into the crowd. OF COURSE Chooch’s grubby hand shot up and snatched the very last thing of ramen that was chucked.

Ugh.

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This video is actually from the first day, I think, but I can’t stress enough how much fun I had watching people dance. The dancing is really what drew me into kpop in the first place, because the exercise routines I do adapt a lot of moves from the music videos and incorporate it into the aerobics. I have very little rhythm and fail miserably anytime I try to learn legit choreography, but this method works for me. I wish I could do the official dances though! I’ll keep trying and hoping that it clicks.

After milling about for another hour or so, we decided to leave so that Chooch and I wouldn’t be totally drained at the concert later, like we had been the night before. That’s a lot of time under the sun. We wanted to get ice cream, anyway, and I can’t believe that there were no stands at KCON serving patbingsoo, or any type of bingsoo for that matter! What a disservice to the KCON patrons!

This was the line for one of the fan engagements as we were leaving.

We took a Lyft back to the hotel and grabbed our car. I found a place on my least favorite app, Yelp, called Nasto’s. It was supposed to be a classic establishment in Newark but I was more interested in going because of the name.

It turned out to be a good choice because they had a thing I’ve never heard of called tartufo – I had the peanut butter version and it was AMAZING. Like a large ice cream version of a buckeye.

Are buckeyes regional? I don’t know, but my Grandma Kelly used to make them all the time when I was a kid and they were the best buckeyes I’ve ever had. Literally just a small nug of PB coated with glorious chocolate. The best. So this was like an inflated one of those, with a delicious mound of vanilla ice cream underneath that cap of chocolate, with ribbons of sweet-ass peanut butter swirling through it like candied veins. Ugh, it was so good that Chooch immediately ordered one too after just seeing mine.

Henry got a scoop of cannoli and something else that he can’t remember because he’s lame. I feel like we were not getting along around this time for some reason and it probably had nothing to do with the fact that I needed a nap.

Copying me.

I consulted Roadside America for some adventure ideas but almost everything was in NYC. I did find some type of cemetery that had like, tunnels in it or something, that wasn’t too far away. Henry was so angry because we ended up having to go over some toll bridge, and then I started flipping out because I looked to the right and the Statue of Liberty was RIGHT THERE, like very close, and I am seriously terrified of the Statue of Liberty, to the point where I’m pretty certain I will never be able to tour it like a true American and that’s something that I will have to carry with me on my own, OK, so don’t try to reason with me!

But then NYC was right there too, a stone’s throw away, and Chooch was freaking out because he wanted to go so badly and I did too (mostly because there are 58 different ice cream places over there on my list) but there was just no way we could swing it. And then the cemetery we were looking for turned out to be super small with no parking and some type of festival/farmers market was happening so we were like FUCK THIS and went back to the hotel to get some rest before the concert, and by “get some rest,” I mean that Chooch and I went to the fitness room and proceeded to sweat our asses off like maniacs training for the Giddy Olympics while Henry went to Subway to get us dinner.

Only one more part left to go of the KCON saga. OMG, can you manage to trudge through to the end?!

Now that I have had a few days to rest and reflect upon my time at KCON….I still don’t feel like I can accurately recount it here. It was all such a fantastic, surreal blur.

It was almost perfect. As with most festivals and conventions, there were definitely some kinks and quirks that could be tweaked, but overall my experience was pretty freaking phenomenal.

I guess now would be the time in the blog post where I consider that perhaps not everyone reading this knows what KCON is. WELL LET ME TELL YOU! It’s a huge 2-day convention in Newark, NJ for not just Kpop, but all things Hallyu: food, culture, beauty, travel — if your heart aches for Korea, then this is the convention for you. There’s also a KCON in LA, Paris, Japan, and Mexico. It’s a lifestyle, you guys. I feel like with Kpop, you either: don’t know about it, don’t like it, or FUCKING THRIVE ON IT LIKE IF OXYGEN HAD A BEAT TO IT. I somehow was able to last for more than a year being just a casual listener before it finally sunk its candy vampire teeth into my jugular and turned me into a Koreaboo of the Night.

In addition to the convention, there is also a huge concert inside the Prudential Center both nights, with nine groups performing in total. I’m not going to lie: tickets were expensive. I already gave G-Dragon half of my vital organs & monthly salary for VIP tickets to his upcoming concert, so nosebleed seats at KCON it is!

Before we left the hotel Friday morning, I made sure we each had on a BIGBANG pin: G-Dragon for me (natch), T.O.P. for Chooch, and Taeyang for Henry “I Don’t Wear Jewelry” Robbins. Taeyang was removed immediately after the above photo was captured.

:(

Whatever – Chooch and I were stoked.

Actually, Chooch had no clue what he was getting himself into, but he pretty much will go along with anything.

Since we registered early, there wasn’t much of a rush for us to get there before 10am, but then I got an alert saying that SF9 was appearing on the small convention stage outside in 20 minutes so I rushed them out of the hotel and into the Lyft that conveniently arrived 2 minutes after Henry ordered it. Our Lyft driver got us to the Prudential Center in no time, after trying in vain to make conversation with Tight-Lipped Hank (“What’s going on at the Prudential Center?” “A convention.”). My favorite part was when she rapidly flipped radio stations when the morning radio DJs started talking about large penises. We all started cracking up and Chooch decided she was the best Lyft driver ever and was mad that Henry didn’t try to request her the next day.

The convention technically wasn’t even open yet, but the stage was in a “free zone” where literally any hobo could slither on up and spectate without a wristband. There was some promotional video being filmed with SF9, hence the KCON text alert, so we stood there and watched the awkwardness. The text said they would be dancing, but they only did a quick 10 second thing for the video and Henry was all REALLY WE RUSHED HERE FOR THAT?!

Then we walked around Newark and ate breakfast at some weird Greek place where I had a $4 fruit salad that was actually not too bad except it had a ton of grapes and I’m weird with grapes. Sometimes they make my tongue feel strange, OK?! But the pineapple and watermelon made up for it. I was trying to keep my breakfast light because I wanted to eat so much Korean food all day long. (Spoiler alert: I did not eat Korean food all day long because it was hot as fuck out there and the sun boiled my appetite right off my body.)

We got back to the Prudential Center around 10 and there was a HUGE line to get into the PyeongChang Winter Olympic section of the convention, which was in a separate lot and required wristbands to be scanned in and bags searched. It’s also where all the panels were taking place and there weren’t any I was super interested in, so we checked out the portion of the convention that didn’t require any checking in – the main drag that was loaded with all the good booths, like the Toyota tent where all the dance-offs were happening throughout the day, the InnisFree tent (BEAUTY PRODUCTS FROM JEJU ISLAND, YES PLEASE) and DramaFever which is where Henry and I watch all of our K-Drama (premium subscription up in here).

I decided that this inaugural post will focus on the first cool thing that happened to me at KCON. But let me back this bitch up first. I’m still a big Kpop n00b so I’ve been learning a lot about all the quirks and nuances that go along with being a part of fan groups, etc. Most of this knowledge comes from watching vlogs on YouTube.  Yeah, I know, am I really even 37 years old. Anyway, I watch a ton of these things because Kpop is fascinating, the fans are nuts (mostly in good ways) and the lifestyle is just….well, it’s a lifestyle. So what I learned a while back through my research is that there are these things at kpop concerts and conventions called “hi-touches” where fans literally line up to gently touch hands with a kpop group. And at KCON, there are different levels of tickets you can purchase, the two highest ones come with hi-touch “guarantees.” But for the rest of us plebs, we got actually scratch-offs when we registered to determine if we would get the opportunity to participate in any of these fan engagements. For Chooch and me, we only got the chance to win the chance to be in the audience to watch OTHER people engage in the hi-touch. That’s how I won the opportunity to be in the audience during Up10tion’s fan engagement, but that wouldn’t be until day 2 of the convention.

I was happy for any opportunity, to be honest, because I was a KCON virgin and wanted to do as much as I could!

HOWEVER.

Chooch and I visited the DramaFever booth because we saw they were giving away prizes and taking pictures, and my face hadn’t yet turned into a two day old Thanksgiving glazed ham left out in the beating sun, so I was trying to get these photo ops in the bag as soon as possible.

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I didn’t even hesitate to throw on the red scarf because Goblin is my favorite K-drama!

After having our picture taken, I had to post it on Instagram with whatever the hashtag was and then DramaFever would let you participate in their game, which was like a slot machine game and if you got three matches (of the picture you tagged on IG), then you won whatever prize was listed on the screen. I wasn’t expecting to win because I don’t usually win these types of things, but we did and it was a Fan Engagement! I figured it was probably going to be another audience thing for Up10tion since they were pretty much the  newest, littlest-known group there that weekend, but no!

I GOT A FREAKING HI-TOUCH!

FOR KNK!

OK, so KNK isn’t really huge or anything yet either but I at least knew several of their songs so I was really excited for this experience!

Of course, Chooch was all butt-hurt because he felt like he won just as much as I did but I was the one who got the prize. So the DramaFever people took pity on him and let him choose a consultation prize.

He chose a Goblin fan. <3

I was so excited that I got this Hi-Touch that I even texted Todd a picture of it, because we were talking about it one day at work and he just thought it was the dumbest/crazies concept – like, you don’t even get to say anything to these people, that’s how quickly you’re herded past them like starstruck cattle. Even Todd thought this was exciting though!

About 15 minutes after winning it, I had the thought to maybe check and see when this thing was even happening, because the card had no info on it. I found a schedule for the fan engagements on KCON’s instagram and realized that it was going to happen in 30 minutes. Yikes. I found a long line that wrapped around one side of the Prudential Center, and determined it was the right line after asking several girls if it was the KNK Hi-Touch line. Henry and Chooch were like, “OK great have fun bye” and wandered off to check out more booths, leaving me with all these giddy girls in their late teens/early 20s; most of them had hand-made signs too, some were even written in Hangul. You don’t see this shit at Warped Tour, you guys.

While I was in line, I started to fixate on my hands.

My gross, grimy American grabbers. My moist, sweat-slick paws. My clammy, pig-swelled human hocks that were about to touch super-fine Korean hands that were probably lotioned and powdered with the magical secretions of Seoul and then preserved in silk gloves before it was time to meet the fans. Why didn’t I try to find a trough to wash my meatfists in, or just lop them off altogether….UGH WHAT TO DO!

Then the line started to move and I had no choice but to walk it out.

There were numerous checkpoints where we had to show our Hi-Touch proof to staff members. The worst part was once we got through the doors of the Prudential Center where the real security checkpoint was happening. It was such a K-cluster. First, we had to place our bags down on a table and then move ahead to get security-wanded, which was fine except that people behind me started purposely putting their bags in front of mine and the two girls who were in front of me, so that after they got wanded down, their bags were already checked and good to go!

The other girls just stood there meekly, not speaking up, but I was all, “OH FUCK NO” and pointed this out to the security lady who was half-assedly rummaging through the bags with her plastic stick.

“Aw hell nah,” she sighed, and then yelled over her shoulder to the lady at the other table, “SEE? I done TOLD you this wasn’t going to fucking WORK!” and then she started yelling at the other bitches in line to slow their roll while she finally searched my shiny pink laser gun purse and the purses of the other girls next to me who were practically in tears by this point.

Ugh it was so annoying! Kpop fans are mostly cool but not when it comes time to Hi-Touch a motherfucker. Christ.

Anyway, once this was over with, I walked into a dark gymnasium-type room. There were bleachers on one side, so I guess it was some kind of auxiliary arena within the Prudential Center? Looked like a basketball thing. But what do I know. There was a small stage set up at the end and another checkpoint next to a small barricade, which was meant to separate the audience from the people who won the hi-touch.

Immediately, I did not fit in. At all. Everyone was so young and scream-y and holding up their handmade foam signs and I was just like, “WHO EVEN AM I ANYMORE?” but you guys, it was pretty fucking incredible. Even though I was just “eh” about KNK, it was impossible to not get swept up in the mania of it all. So when a cameraman was panning his camera across the crowd, I screamed my fucking face off along with everyone else.

Also — there were commercials playing on a small screen on the stage and Kwang-soo and Ha Ha from Running Man were in one so my heart got all warm and fluttery like butterflies were fornicating in one of the chambers. It was just really exciting to be around all these things that I love, outside of my house!

And then Daniel Lim came out to get us all stoked, and this was how I learned that KNK’s fans are called Tinkerbells, so that was something.

What I remember most from this fan engagement was SCREAMING.

Just tons and tons of screaming.

No—shrieking. And wailing. And flailing.

Bitches were in stitches over the KNK sighting.

There was a short (and awkward thanks to the language barrier) Q&A session, mostly things like, “How do you like New York?” and “What is your favorite American food?” Dude on the end said Big Macs because that’s the only American food he’s had, and the second guy said “hot dog” and then mimed the eating of a hot dog. It was pretty fucking adorable, I’m not going to lie, and I felt myself falling in love with them with the quickness.

Then they played a quick round of charades which was super cute. The audience chose “Kpop groups” as the category so the guys doing the Charading just basically busted out signature moves from each group’s music videos and we all ate it up, especially when it was a girl group.

After about 30 minutes of talking and charading, it was time for the Hi Touch action and I was actually getting nervous! I have only ever seen these beautiful groups in YouTube videos, and now I was minutes away from seeing five of them in real life and I couldn’t even believe my luck! The line started on the side of the room I was standing on, so I was only about 30 people back from the front of the line. We had to relinquish our hi-touch cards to the security guard letting us through to the side of the stage, so there was no chance of keeping it as a souvenir or hopping back in line for a hi-touch second serving.

From what I’ve seen and read, hi-touches are very strict in that you can’t take selfies or video or really even say more than a succinct “annyeonghaseyo.” But I heard some girl in line with me ask if we were allowed to take video and I swear I heard the staff member say yes. Or at least that’s what it sounded like.

So…I went for it.

And by the time I made it to the second guy at the table, someone swooped in from my left and swatted my phone down.

I was like, “OMG I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW” because congratulations, Erin, you just made yourself look like a fucking rude, entitled Caucasian Trump-voting asshole.  I am such a staunch rule-follower too when it comes to these types of things so this pained me real bad and it was all I could do not to dwell on it for the rest of forever.

But regardless of my gaffe, the boys in KNK were so sweet and their smiles were like slivers of moonbeams and their hands were so soft and perfectly room-temperature and they didn’t even seem like the act of rubbing flesh with all these crazy fans was making them swallow their own bile at all. Such patient angels! 

Here I am in line to walk onto the stage. That might be the guy on the left who would later swat my phone away like it was a machete or a Meghan Trainor CD.

https://instagram.com/p/BV8Wb7eBxt2/

What a surreal, bizarre experience. I loved every fucking second of it (except for when I broke the Kpop law) even though it was basically the definition of objectification in motion, a long line of salivating girls (and boys) waiting for their 5 seconds of skinship. 

And while all of this was happening, Chooch was outside at the Asiana Airlines tent, spinning a wheel and winning an Amazon Echo. KCON is a fucking DREAM.

I started off the day learning the hard way that you musn’t spray canola oil on a hot pan. If I hadn’t already lost most of my eyebrows during the Great Overplucking of the 90s, today would have been their funeral fo sho. 

I was running around screaming about the injustice of it all, like who is supposed to know that would happen?? when Henry calmly said, “Well, everyone. It says it on the directions.”

“The PAN has directions?!” I cried. 

“No! The can of cooking spray!”

“Srsly? Why does a can of cooking spray need directions? Like, who would read that?” I said indignantly. 

“People like YOU are the reason those directions are there,” Henry sighed. 

(I know you guys: how does Henry “tolerate” me? He must be a “Saint.” “Job is going to shake his hand when he gets to Heaven.” Because our relationship is something he “tolerates” or “puts up with.”)

Honestly though, that flame went up SO HIGH. This is what happens when Henry takes too long waking up and I take breakfast matters into my own hands. :/

It’s all his fault. Just like it was his fault for failing to buy me a bag of coffee for work, creating a MAJOR CRISIS last Friday which culminated in Catherine and I colluding in a dangerous k-cup robbery from Lori’s office which I tried to reason was ok because one time she told me I was welcome to the candy she keeps in the one drawer and her k-cups were one drawer beneath that one, so…And then Catherine was so fraught with guilt that she left a dollar on Lori’s desk. The much anticipated conclusion to this is that Lori returned to work on Wednesday amd Catherine FLEW into her office before Lori even set her purse down, blurting out her confession and waiting to receive penance. There was a tense moment when we weren’t sure if Lori was going to throw a stapler and yelled, “Cash me ousside!” but turns out she had used up all her fucks on games 3 and 4 of the Stanley Cup finals and had little left in the tank to use on a stolen k-cup. She even gave Catherine her dollar back (had I known, I would have stolen that too!) Then when Todd got to work later that day, he said, “Oh yeah, I’m telling Lori you stole from her” and I was like OMG SHE ALREADY KNOWS! EVERYONE KNOWS! I’M A DIRTY THIEF!

I mean…

Ahem. 

SUBJECT CHANGE. 

Here are some pictures from this day, Saturday, June 10, 2017. 

We moved Chooch’s keyboard out of his bedroom and onto the backporch. Well, let me rephrase that: Henry and I kept saying that’s what we were going to but Chooch is the one who finally did it on his own accord because he was tired of waiting for his parents to finish watching Running Man and take care of him. 

Last night, I walked past him and saw that he had found the music for BigBang’s “Haru Haru” and decided to try and learn it! The coolest part is that he realized one of the notes was off and FIXED IT. He’s really good at playing by ear, which is something he definitely didn’t get from either one of us. 

He played it for Henry and made him guess what it was. Henry knew it was Bigbang right away but not what song because Henry never knows song names except for Ted Nugent ones. 

Early afternoon, we went to Kohl’s so I could buy new jeans and for the first time in years I didn’t have an emotional breakdown in the fitting room, 고맙습니다, Korea!!!!

Anyway, the whole point of mentioning Kohl’s is that there were these two middle-aged women loudly airing their dirty laundry RIGHT NEXT TO THE LAUREN CONRAD SECTION so I had to stand practically butted up against them, enduring their not-even-interesting drama. They were there every time I came back around and at one point I said loudly to Henry that they should take their lame bitch fest out to the parking lot instead of polluting our ears with it, because that’s how I handle conflict with strangers: passive aggressively, with loud immaturity. 

It was honestly the only time I was mad all day though so that’s pretty huge. I’m usually mad MANY times. 

I imprinted on this red leaf banana thing at some nursery we went to today. 

“Who imprints on a banana leaf plant?!” Henry cried. 

Um, me — I literally just said that?!

Henry wouldn’t buy it because it was $80 and that’s like a lot for a plant I guess? I literally do not know the value of a dollar. 

Chooch chose a plant for himself and mused, “I’ll name him A-ha, because I want to take him on.” OK, 80s kid?

Pet cemetery visit:( Chooch and I got really emotional and Henry didn’t know what to do so he just walked away because he doesn’t love animals. 

Obligatory ice cream from Yough Twist down the street from the pet cem. “Ugh I forgot this place has the inferior sprinkles!” I cried with my head back, dramatic damsel I am. 

“What’s wrong with them?” Henry and Chooch asked in tandem. 

“Well in addition to not being properly rainbow, they have a chalky taste,” I snapped because duh, just look at them. 

Beneath the inadequate sprinkled shell sat a perfect black raspberry & vanilla twist though, so once I hate-ate the sprinkles, I was good to go. 

Henry and Chooch also had ice cream, blah blah blah. 

Drew is like, “No really, you can trust me. I’m just gonna sit on them and help them grow.” 🙄

But seriously, these little propagations are coming along swimmingly in spite of PENELOPE digging them up once a week. 

Henry made me a snack plate with pineapple, kimchi, and pickled daikon – it was so refreshing. So refreshing that I went back for more pineapple which I then left out on the kitchen counter.  

“You left the pineapple out,” Henry said when he was visiting the kitchen later on. He sighed and put it away. 

Which is the exact outcome I expected, so why bother putting it away myself?

*******

In other news, G-Dragon’s new music is the most wonderful thing I’ve heard in so long and it made it to #1 on iTunes in 39 countries including the US which is crazy to me because most Americans I know are incredibly narrow-minded & ignorant when it comes to anything that’s not in English. Omg so weird and inferior. 

I still can’t believe I’m going to see him next month! I was thinking about it on the trolley yesterday, trying to imagine how I will react when I first see him, and I started to cry openly in front of people which sadly isn’t the first time that’s happened on the trolley. Dat bi-polar life, y’all.

******

It’s 8’oclock now and Chooch has stains all over my treasured Howard Jones shirt. Should I cry, laugh, or burn down the kitchen for real this time? I JUST DONT KNOW. GOODBYE.