Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 10:51 Being an asshole at flea market. Almost conned henry into buying me a sword.
• 11:14 Was just urged by henry to stop taking pictures of ppl at the flea market.
• 11:28 Everyone at the flea market hates me. Mission accomplished.
• 14:28 She fucked SATAN, for Christ’s sake!
• 16:14 I  once saw a monk completely flip his shit and hurl a thick chain at a stone wall. I think of him everytime I chuck shit out of anger
• 17:48 In preparing Henry for Warped, I played him some Bring Me the Horizon, to which he faux-begged "more, plz, more" in a monotone.
• 20:00 I just cut myself on a rusty garbage can omfg. Henry grabbed my arm, looked at it then announced "no you didn’t!"
• 20:12 Henry just told me for the fifth time today to stop taking pics of ppl. "And then why do u have to run?!"
• 20:19 Fuck writing, art, photography. I’m delving into porn. I think that’s where my imagination can REALLY shine. Henry flinched when I told him.
• 20:23 First up: Pornographical interpretations of all my stories. Instead of a thumb in the porridge, it’ll be Marvin’s dickie.
  

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• 08:22 I made out w/ Ne-Yo in my dream last nite. We worked together&his girlfriend was overbearing &Ebay-obsessed. He wore a great hat, natch.
• 08:30 Chooch is chanting "blood" in a maniacal tone. I hesitantly asked "blood?" he screamed "ok!", expecting me to get him blood. Was chilling.
• 14:25 If Chooch isn’t in a band by the time he’s 13, he’s getting dumped on a river bank.
• 22:05 IT FEELS LIKE XMAS EVE.

Henry is old and naps. A lot.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 12:37 You know there’s something wrong with me when those douchey Teletubbies are on my TV and I don’t even bother to turn it.
• 13:37 Henry just taught me that the phrase No pain, no gain does not literally mean "push urself until u rupture muscles and choke on puke"
• 13:53 Toni Basil gets on my nerves, but she made me fist-pump when she said this: Great art makes you feel something; its not just kids stuff.
• 17:06 Words will be the death of me
• 18:47 There’s ice cream cake at work. I asked Tina to cut me a piece since I’m helpless. She sighed in annoyance but I caught her smiling coyly.
• 18:53 As she’s catering to me in mock exasperation, Tina just said I remind her of a little girl she used to babysit. Flirt alert.

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• 12:19 Two $24 concert tickets cost me $73.70. Does my blood taste good, TicketMaster?
• 15:48 Outerspace is disgusting
• 16:26 Maybe you’re the one that’s overrated.
• 01:00 My heart belongs to Nightdreams
• 01:05 I want to direct a porn where Jesus and Satan bang each other.
   

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 14:09 Apparently there’s a Heavy Equipment School and it just so happens I want to learn to operate heavy equipment for my army.  #
• 15:17 My heart won’t stop dropping. #
• 16:02 When Henry commented on my weight loss, I said, "It’s from all the cocaine." He laughed, but there was a tinge of uncertainty there. #
• 17:58 Tina is going to a Jamboree this weekend. Oh how I wish she’d invite me. I’d wear my best overalls and tuck a dandelion in my straw hat. #
• 19:35 apparently for someone to touch my life, i must personally know them. be all bff’s and shit. #
• 20:13 Figures, one week left of nightshift and I find a new desk from which to steal candy. CHOCOLATE EGGS. How’s a bitch gon’ steal on dayshift??  #
• 22:54 I swear to shit someone keeps pulling my hair.#
   

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 12:12 Watching horror movies alone sucks. #
• 14:36 Henry just burned me with a bag of steamed peas. That fuck. #
• 16:51 True story: Was reading some shit about Estelle Getty & the next record that came up on my screen was Getty Mart. (Data processor, holla) #
• 16:36 The fact that people are always asking me if Craig Owens is my boyfriend makes me think that I have too many pictures of Chiodos on my desk. #
• 21:23 I don’t remember writing 60% of the stories I have out there. I don’t know what that means.I’m an unbeknownst plagiarizer? I guess perhaps. #
• 23:13 I’d burn a building if I knew you’d die. #
  

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• 10:22 I would not be opposed to planting my face in some fucking buttercream frosting right about now, fuck. #
• 15:05 A Ne-Yo joint comes on and ain’t nuthin’ holding down my inner yo-girl. I come close to breaking out the Butterfly every time. #
• 16:52 Tonight I will speak only in gutteral growls. #
• 18:27 Tina likes mango daiquiris which completely shatters my fantasy of her knocking back Old Crow with the sailors. #
• 20:08 Omfg Craigery. Why?? #
• 23:06 Tonight definitely calls for wine. Lots and lots of wine. #
• 23:12 Do u ever get urges to rip ur veins out so you can see them better? #
• 10:31 Last nite, got drunk on wine while working from home, laugh/cried about work situation/life, read a book. Feel much better/worse. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 09:41 I really hope I don’t die from a stabbing. I keep daydreaming about it though.
• 09:54 In the car, chooch & I flipped out at the same time over a passing playground; a good indication of my mental age.
• 20:19 It doesn’t feel like summer to me unless there’s swimming in the afternoon and horror movies at night.
  

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• 11:50 Today, chooch is really into storing things down my shirt. A bit uncomfortable.
• 11:53 Eric Nies and his fucking jumprope DVD can go anally probe themselves. My calves have welts from aerobic flaggellation.
• 11:55 Just bought 2 Lost Boys figurines for myself. I mean, for Chooch. He unforch doesn’t yet understand e-shopping & wants them NOW.
• 12:07  I don’t approve of any of the ppl looking at the vacant side of my duplex. Time to pull out the Viking metal & Satanist propaganda.
• 16:41 One of my co-workers is encouraging me to contact Corey Haim so he can see he’s in love w/ me. God I work with a bunch of enablers.
• 18:02 I asked Henry if he still thought I was pretty. His answer was "when your face is on my penis." Now that’s love.
• 20:48 Henry won’t get involved in bento box lunches because "those are so gay looking". Yeah but – so is he.
• 22:10 Kim had me blowing up balloons for some broad’s bday tomorrow, because she knows I blow hard. Now my fingers stink of balloon rubber.

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* Quite possibly one of the worst Internet services EVER. Mostly I end up doing these  manually because I’m too fucking OCD to say fuck it and drink a fucking Jack and Coke instead and OMG I’m clenching.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 09:56 and hey, the walls are going back up. #
• 18:52 I like how GayT&T waits until AFTER I pay my balance to suspend my service. And by AFTER I mean THREE HOURS AFTER. #
• 19:37 A good way to kill yourself might be choking on a handful of wasabi peas. Oh, nevermind; I thought you were asking. #
• 20:25 I hate when I mistake my bangs for a nimble assassin, creepin’ on ah come up. #
• 21:37 SaucAY. #
• 21:29 A thought: Perhaps if I stop sitting at my desk like a five-year-old, I might stop falling out of my seat so much. #
• 22:24 I’m pratfalling all OVER this bitch tonight. I feel like I should travel with a laugh track.#

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• 08:42 Deer urine is available for purchase???? I learn A LOT from Henry. #
• 09:11 Chooch is afraid of ice cream scoopers for some reason. Probably not bc I said I was going to scoop his eyes out with it though.#
• 09:43 Lewis acquired a new friend today. His name is Jonny. I predict some fabulous double dutch in the fyootcha. #
• 12:43 I never knew TicTacs could sound so nerve-raping until one wound up in Chooch’s mouth. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:36 If cheese curds ever had to go on trial, I’d make the best defense attorney. If you ignore the fact that I have no degree. #
• 18:35 I guess I’m never comfortable. #
• 19:00 Somehow, someway, Tina and I are arguing about the actor Robert Conrad being hot or not. #
• 19:02 Apparently, I never should have mentioned Battle of the Network Stars. #
• 20:48 Plants make me sick. Get your own fucking water.#

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• 09:00 Chooch hurt his head on building block. We spent the next 15 min doing what any reasonable ppl would: sodomizng it, calling it bastard. #
• 15:50 Ten years since the best summer of my life. Still basically the same girl, except now I wear a bra. Every day. #
• 16:10 If I had a city, it would definately be built on cash & swagger. #
• 18:17 Its been a long time since I’ve yodeled. #
• 18:19 I just noticed that somewhere along the way, I lost several yards of the flesh drapes that hung from my chin. #
• 18:39 Tonight I learned that Tina is a pediatric authority. Need baby advice? GO ASK TINA. #
• 21:05 I’m not doing anything right now, but i can tell you with utmost honesty that on August 23 i will BE DYING. IN THE BEST WAY.#

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:23 About to book a flight to LA to make Corey Haim my man. Henry doesn’t seem concerned enough to stop me. IM COMING, COREY!!! #
• 15:01 I love my jump rope so much, I named him. Say hello to everyone, Lewis. SAY HELLO. #
• 17:17 Omg it must be arthritis. So much for my handjob career, motherfuck. #
• 17:32 Tina got another one of those hot Rambo haircuts. #
• 17:33 Or maybe she was just wearing a helmet all day? #
• 22:13 Henry’s always right. Gonna post a MySpace bulletin about him being an Oracle, see if it catches on. "Yeah, just talk to the ween, yo." #
• 12:18 Trying to talk Henry into getting cooler shoes so he’ll look like less of a geezer at Warped. I’ll make him over yet. #
• 12:31 Chooch on the current: perusing the Victorias Secret catalogue while punching his head & laffing hysterically. Puke is on horizon. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 17:54 At my brothers grad party and wished aloud to still be 18. Henry said "You pretty much are." #
• 09:40 I took an immediate liking to one of Coreys friends yesterday. Of course it would be the guy who’s in and out of rehab. #
  

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• 14:33 My nerve is tired of being pinched. #
• 14:52 Doctor Henry has been having me apply heat to back since last week. Today I learned from medical sources: heat is beat, ice is nice. #
• 15:42 Oh god, doctor Henry is trying to drug me now. #
• 16:23 Henry gave me a pill, said it was acetamiblahblah, waited until I swallowed and said "or it could have been stool softener." FUCKER. #
• 17:25 Brutal desire to stick a fucking needle into where it hurts on my back. #
• 21:37 Positive my kid just called me Erin. Thank god he doesn’t know that most people just call me ho. #
• 23:41 Let the Rocky DeSade nightmares commence. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 17:26 Would rather be home, playing with my new lens. #
• 18:38 when henry makes baked tofu for dinner, i get this uncontrollable urge to marry him. then he leaves his socks on the floor & i’m over it. #
• 08:35 My bagel bitch is here. #
• 09:30 My own brother, a goddamn shit-sucking vampire. #
• 09:47 My neighbors moved out while Gremlins was on so I associated it with the Gizmo theme. It confused me into feeling sad. #
• 12:30 Henry’s trying to sell me at the neighbor’s yard sale. He’s making a sign that says "cheap ho." #

• 15:46 I wonder if Robocop knows that Christina has his lighter. #
• 17:09 Henry was on a city-wide search for jicama today, but refused to go to the Mexican market by our house because he’s scared of the Spanish mob #
• 17:10 Usually I’m so diligent about counting characters. #
• 18:30 Risked getting jumped for the sake of pitchure-takin’, ya’ll. #
• 19:17 Can muscle be donated? I have too much of that shit and I’d like to help some assholes get calf implants. #
• 20:49 We just got invited to a scene kid party. I wanted to go but Christina had just puked so she said no. #
• 23:52 Fucking nurses & dr’s keep coming in to talk to Christina while I’m TRYING TO WATCH THE REAL WORLD, FUCKERS. #
• 23:55 Christina utilized her time in the bathroom to not just give a urine specimen, but fix her hair as well. #
• 00:46 Christina’s hooked up to plugs and clamps but I had no shame in asking her for money for snacks. I have this friendship thing down. #

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POST TWEET EDIT: Christina is fine. She apparently had bronchitis and didn’t know it or some such shit.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 17:53 I can’t wait until I’m 50 so I can call every one babe without them thinking I want to suck them off under the pier. #
• 20:03 I wonder if the dead people know that I do sit-ups on their roofs. #
• 22:52 Tina wants to get me a cock cake for my bday. I heard it as COP cake & shouted EW, making me look like a prude. Or a 9year old. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 09:35 My family pulled through and paid off a loan I took out for them. Shock and gratitude make me feel giddy.#
• 10:02 Great. Chooch just learned about blood and stabbing. Surprisingly, not from anything I did! #
• 16:07 what would possess someone to trim their nails at work. you can’t wait till you’re home to do your grooming? disgusting.#
• 17:45 I’m not taking my time anymore #
• 19:32 I’m going to answer every question with "wasabi." At least for the next three minutes. #
• 19:37 @buenomexicana horse semen. #
• 20:51 I want to be sexually harassed in a foreign language. #

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• 07:54 Wish I had a Neil Diamond in my pocket. #
• 09:34 Krush Groove only got one star? But Sheila E was so GOOD in it? #
• 14:27 Maybe if we turned every meal into Freezepops, Chooch would actually eat. Beef stew freezepop, coming right up. #
• 16:12 I sold my favorite painting today. So sad. Wouldn’t be so bad if I could visit it. Maybe get monthly updates, Christmas cards. #
• 18:54 Sometimes coating a Slip n Slide with mashed potatoes and going hogwild sounds like a fine idea. Next game night’s featured attraction. #
• 19:45 I work with school children. #
• 12:06 A beautiful day for shutting down. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 08:07 Currently on our seventh viewing of Gremlins. Could be worse, could be Hannah Montana.
• 10:05 Supposedly Chiodos and Emarosa are playing a show together. I hope its not some sick practical joke because I might die.
• 10:28 Chooch will only watch Joe-era Blues Clues. If its an episode with steve, his nose crinkles. Purists everywhere are now fainting.
• 12:53 There’s nothing like the soddy stench of a cemetery fresh after a rain. Musky decay. Should market that.
• 13:33  I’m likely to get licked to death by deer.
• 16:56 wondering if Tina’s husband ever goes down on her, and if so, if he runs his tongue along a cheese grater afterward.
• 18:59 Jonny Craig 4 lyfe
• 21:09  tina said i dont have enuf info on her to write a book, and i srsly almost pissed out my nose
• 23:15 I hate when I feel this tart-y.

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 03:23 Since I’m an American Funds shareholder, I get to vote in the Election of Directors. A dangerous power, or a powerful danger?  #
• 03:43  Henry dreamt the other nite that he shot Craig Owens in the head. He was afraid to tell me the next day. I kind of wanted to slice him. #
• 04:04  Starting to burn out on salads. Need new twists. Maybe acid tabs in lieu of croutons. #
• 05:33 Henry QOTD: "I’m trying to figure out why you hate cops, considering you nearly killed one and almost all the others have let you off." #
• 06:33  The only moves I have are Raise the Roof and Epileptic Seizure. #
• 06:40  We go to restaurants and let Chooch play with knives. Watch for our upcoming column in Parents magazine.#
• 07:00 Just walked past our old grasscutter Joe, sitting on his porch eating crackers and cheese. Don’t choke. No, choke. #
• 10:03 I thought it when I was 10, and now I know its true: Corey Haim is my soul mate. #
• 10:40 Wine from Christmas stemware and OnDemand music videos is how I wish I could wind down EVERY night. #
• 10:49  Nevermind. Clown porn works, too. #
  

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• 12:31 I need a speedrope. And speed and a rope.  #
• 01:25  I just may be the only person under 60 to own the soundtrack to The Mirror Has Two Faces. #
• 04:12 Photographing ghettos is about as safe as it sounds.  #
• 07:29 One of many things that scare the shit out of me: skyscraper mechanical floors. #
• 01:15 Lately I’m wildly into the 70s. Mainly just the porn part of it.#
• 01:20 If I found out horse semen was good for my hair, I’d be down the barn getting carpal tunnel from all the hand jobs. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:37 Henry is not going to give me one last kiss when I’m in my coffin. That’s cold. #
• 20:17 Just dared Henry to make me blue. #
• 20:26 Hopefully I’m not the only scene kid at fireworks. #
• 21:09 These fucking fireworks better be good like sex. I’m sitting on a goddamn trash bag for them. #
• 21:18 Its all fun and games until the firetruck comes for Chooch. #
• 21:34 Hello fuck these are some trailer park fireworks. #
• 21:36 In between bursts it got quiet enuf to hear some guy yell DAMMIT. Lamest fireworks. #
• 21:37 Corey took a picture of one and it looked like a picture of heartworms at the Vet’s office. #
• 21:42 Its like the fireworks have polio. #
• 21:44 Or Erectile Dysfunction. #
• 21:47 I could have sex with Flava Flav and see bigger fireworks than these. #
• 21:52 @buenomexicana holy fuck they blow so hard! #
• 21:57 It was worth it after all: Janna fell in mud. #
• 22:00 Watching Janna swipe her muddied hand in grass was so much awesomer than finale. #

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Post Fireworks Notes:

Watching the handicapped old broad in front of us chug her Slurpee in her wheelchair was far more captivating than struggling to see the gimp bursts of light from behind billowing pilons of smoke.  I was also jealous that she had a nice dry seat while the only thing separating my ass from the soggy grass was a flimsy trash bag and at one point even voiced aloud my desire to be crippled.

I think Janna was actually enjoying herself. I noticed that she had a big smile on her face, like an orphaned leper getting to meet Ronald McDonald for the first time. And then when I yelled, “This sucks!” she agreed but I could tell that it was breaking her heart to hear people sling insults at her beloved fireworks. Shit, we set off better displays in my mom’s backyard, for Christ’s sake.

Chooch lost interest in the fireworks around the same time I did — after about eight seconds. He proceeded to sprinkle clumps of wet grass on Corey’s back while I played with my Blackberry.

One of the highlights was when it appeared a dud was set off, but then the crowd started cheering uproariously. “Did one of the firemen get hurt?” I asked Corey hopefully. There was a second where we actually thought we might get to see some action, until Corey realized that what we thought was grisly firework backfire actually resulted in some hokey American flag ground display.

People actually cheer for that shit?

We got up to leave, assuming that the display above us was the finale because even though it was still gimp like the other ones preceding it, it was marginally louder. Our departure ended up being a few minutes premature, but Janna falling in the mud was so much more entertaining than the finale. And we didn’t even get to see the actual fall, just the sullied aftermath. Corey begged her to re-fall so he could video tape but unlike us, she didn’t think that was the best idea EVAR.

Happy belated Fourth of July.