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• 09:38 Turns out the task force was doing a sweep for narcotics and prostitution yesterday. TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT. #
• 10:23 Well good morning to you, syringe, laying on the side of my house. What a pleasant sight. #13:57 I’m going to put an ad on Craigslist: Pawn for hire. Then I’m going to put on my new sugar skull apron and bake poppyseed cake. #
• 17:46 This apron would look so much better if I had a torpedo bra. #
• 18:02 twitpic.com/98p3 – Evil in heels. #
• 18:32 The monster I birthed is sitting next to me and roaring DIE!! DIIIIIEEEE!! over and over. I’m effectively chilled. #
• 18:34 Tried to assure henry that I didn’t teach Chooch that; he made the Yeah Right face. #
• 10:35 Keep having dreams that I’m Lil Wayne’s shawty. #
• 11:58 Henry scoffed at me bc I’m wearing my apron. He asked when I’m going to start baking. I’m baking Valentine cards, is that not enuf? #

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SUNDAY

• 12:53 Henry is engrossed in “Tremors.” It’s like the “Citizen Kane” for people of Henry’s cinematic IQ. #
• 14:45 Water polo looks exhausting. I want to try it, could go for a good water-logging. #
• 14:52 You know what’s full of jock-sniffers and pants-shitters? Hungary. That’s what. #
• 15:19 Apparently my water polo man-cheering has given Henry a headache. He just thanked me. #
• 15:54 twitpic.com/8wuf – Would cook him pancakes. Water polo <3. #
• 19:17 twitpic.com/8xr7 – Loud mouth in the grocery store #
• 21:37 Electricity’s out. Lost will to survive. Laying on floor staring at ceiling. just had a tricycle crash into my head. #
• 22:16 There’s little that sounds more angelic than a two year old saying “hey douche” #
• 22:27 Chooch’s first prayer: Yo Jesus, turn our lights back on. You douche. #

MONDAY

• 14:35 I don’t know how much longer I can do this unemployment bizznass. Too much face time w/ Henry makes me see homicide on the horizon. #
• 16:27 Anthropologie srsly makes me consider selling blow jobs for dresses. #
• 18:02 Supposedly I’m imbibing an amaretto sours right now at the Apple Inn. It is surely unlike any amaretto sour I’ve ever had. #
• 18:45 Was telling my friend stacey that I went to philly to see the cure and just then THE CURE came on the jukebox. #
• 19:57 Completely talked  Stacey into participating in a photoshoot. But first she asked “how weird are you making it?” #

TUESDAY

• 10:01 Chooch is playing on his toy piano and said, “Mommy look – Chiodos!” and I WILL NOT LIE I AM SWOONING. #
• 11:16 It just doesn’t feel like a good, normal Tuesday until a Pgh detective pounds on ur door and questions u about ur neighbors. #
• 12:32 I promise to not blog anymore today. #
• 18:19 I’m leaving Henry for the guy at Burger King with the Whitesnake ring tone. #
• 19:08 Currently at lamest church carnival. I want to yell SATAN in the faces of the elderly. #
• 19:14 Just bitched about how everyone here is a dumb cunt who hug and kiss each other and henry yelled “its called FRIENDLY” #
• 19:29 Said “this place fucking blows” just as the priest walked past. #
• 19:38 This priest is walking around looking so damn smug. Your carnival is not THAT jumpin’, Pops. #
• 19:42 I don’t think I could play a game that’s named after diarrhea. #
• 23:46 Diddy and I could never work together. Not without some contusions and hatchet-swinging. #

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• 20:30 Sometimes Henry starts to look quasi-young to me, but then I piss him off and he looks grizzled again. #
• 23:54 Xmas card business? I just quit you. #
• 10:07 Sitting here with Cars fruit snacks adorning my arm, courtesy of Chooch. I guess I’m the Saturday art project. #
• 11:56 Today I’m wearing my newly made Bela Karolyi shirt and prepared for no one I encounter to get it. #
• 12:29 HENRYS TAKING ME TO A SHOOTING RANGE!!! Someday, he said. Not today. Of course. #
• 13:29 I have to pee. #
• 13:42 Blake and I tried to get Henry to take us to Adult World but Henry said he doesn’t want to look like a pervy parent. #
• 13:43 He doesn’t need a porn shop for that though. #
• 13:56 Walked into a diner and EVERYONE turned to gawk at my shirt. OK fine that’s a lie. But my boobs do look big in it. #
• 14:09 twitpic.com/8r8c – Asshole Alert #
• 14:13 Henry keeps piercing my soul with admonishing glances and clenching his fists. #
• 14:19 Blake just asked henry if he ever bought a hooker & henry totally lied & said no. I yelled TELL THE TRUTH & got eviscerated by a Look. #
• 16:09 twitpic.com/8rw1 – Henry So So Pretty #
• 19:37 Chooch just pissed on my cat. #
• 22:16 Omg I really think printing out the mugs of serial killers is going to be the demise of our relationship. #
• 22:31 I love you, australia. #
• 11:45 Chooch’s last poop was fucking neon green. All lit up like a Heineken sign, Jesus Christ. #

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• 19:19 We’re missing a can of garbanzo beans and Henry is about ready to put their picture on a milk carton. Let it go, Henry.
• 20:45 When I asked henry if I look like a mom, he said “no. And sometimes you don’t even act like one”
• 21:17 Fuck the church across from my house. Jesus promised me carnivals, Bingo and baked sales, none of which that asshole St Pius provides.
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• 09:35 Omg I’m going to miss the Olympics. So much that I didn’t even get mad when there was a country song playing during the highlights.
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• 12:24 http://twitpic.com/8ljb – From Tuesday, post-hair appt. Oh, memories.
• 13:42 Someone please tell me the trick to swallowing a vitamin without a puke epilogue. Taking it with food doesn’t help. SOS, ya’ll.

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• 14:30 Sometimes I want to slather myself in peanut butter & honey then roll around in sunflower seeds. Just like that piece of bread just did. #
• 16:32 Today’s happenings: Got my hair re-scened-out and Blake changed his mind about moving in. One has no bearing on other. #
• 17:21 twitpic.com/8anr – Britney and Preston holla. #
• 18:00 Have to take detours so Chooch doesn’t see signs for Target and freak out like a girl at a NKOTB concert circa 1990. #
• 18:56 I wonder if Hot Naybor Chris knows how excited we get when we spot him outside of the neighborhood. #
• 18:57 Henry wants me to clarify that by “we” I mean “I”. #
• 21:19 I guess I just don’t understand how dives are scored. #

• 15:40 On our way to fair. Blakes jeans are so tight -not to mention for girls- that he could barely get in the car. #
• 15:41 I love it when blake backtalks janna. Sass it up, blake #
• 15:42 Henry just yelled YOU WAIT TIL WE GET OUT OF THIS CAR!!!! To me. #
• 16:19 Texting the lyrics to wind beneath my wings to henry from backseat. I hope he’s touched. #
• 16:26 twitpic.com/8e5q – Motley carful to county fair: Henry Blake Chooch and Janna. #
• 18:26 At fair. Lost my brother. Then just found him and he won’t give me a fried Oreo. FUCKER. #
• 18:28 Corey found a hair with split ends in one of the Oreos. Just asked me if I still want one. #
• 19:04 Just peed a little in a ride. #
• 19:44 Janna is a failure. Fucking pussy!!! #
• 21:17 twitpic.com/8fae – Hay, best ride ever #
• 21:38 Corey just rummaged thru jannas purse, past all her contraceptive, panty liners, and pleasure vegetables. #
• 21:48 LEAVING FAIR SO SAD. Not sad about the welts on my arms and legs that are about to turn into bruises. #
• 22:50 Unstitch your eyes and you could read this forever. #
• 10:41 Feels like I was in a car wreck. #

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• 13:11 Gang life sure sounds dreamy. #
• 13:29 Sylvia Nunn is my fucking bitch. Ruthless. #
• 13:54 Henry said I’d never make it in jail. Now I’m on a mission to prove him wrong. #
• 16:43 Hopefully before I die, I’ll order an ice cream that I actually like. #
• 16:45 And this time I don’t even like the kind I robbed Henry of. Fuck you, shitty ice cream. Fuck you, Subday. #
• 16:45 Fuck you too, Sunday. #
• 17:46 As we drove past a cemetery, Chooch pointed to it and desperately begged “Please?!” YES. #
• 20:05 twitpic.com/844x – Coming to get you. #
• 22:22 Bela Karolyi: “it was a rip off. A total rip off.”. Yeah, he said it. # 
  

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• 12:28 Once a year, I lament the extinction of Josta. #
• 16:21 I wish I knew how to make a couch because I desperately need a new one. My current bane. #
• 23:25 Would be nice if the American gymnasts would quit getting robbed of medals. #
• 09:13 Chooch just pointed at our cat Marcy and yelled BOOGEYMAN. A truer accusation has never been voiced. #

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• 23:26 Just laffed heartily at the Chinese vaulter who ass-slammed the mat & Henry freaked on me. “SHE MIGHT GET KILLED FOR THAT!!!!!” #
• 08:18 Who knew eggs could taste like cardboard. #
• 17:47 A new pair of shoes, and suddenly I’m smiling. #
• 18:14 Chooch makes me look awesome by helping me send out illiterate texts. #
• 19:42 Chooch is running in hysteric circles, car keys in hand, because he thinks he’s going to Budapest. #
• 22:16 Phelps made me chug my wine. #
• 22:22 Hereby petitioning to get jump roping in the Olympics. Then I’ll start training. With all the kids at the inner city playground. #
• 11:32 Chooch makes me feel like I just lost a bar fight. #
• 14:23 Everyone on the Croatian water polo team look like Freddy Mercury. #

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• 09:43 I wish the fair in the Hidden Valley Ranch commercial was real. I’d have my next birthday party there. #
• 11:14 Tried with no success to remove a stuck nickel from Chooch’s wagon. Two seconds later he says MOMMY LOOK as he rescues it with ease. Bested by a 2yo. Great.  #
• 11:14 I was even using a KNIFE for shits sake. #
• 11:22 Chooch & I walked to the bank. Didn’t realize how filthy he was until we were standing in front of the teller. me & my boxcar kid. #
• 15:20 Its peanut butter murder time. #
• 16:00 Three banks, one bill collector brouhaha, and a post office later, and now you can hardboil eggs in my blood. #
• 16:26 U know ur in erin’s crib when u hear things like: Give me a Gacy. We’re out of Dahmers. You got glue on Bathory! Got an order for 2 Geins. #
• 17:10 Setting up a liposuction soda shop on my back porch. Free refills with purchase of large frothy fat float. #
• 17:56 twitpic.com/7l77 – Dear Twitter, don’t know what this is, but its good. #
• 10:29 If I was president, an infinite surplus of bubbles would fill the air. And there would be nude traveling circuses. #
• 10:38 This morning, I inadvertently listened to worship music & liked it. Satan will surely rape me w/ corn cobs tonight for my penance. #

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• 17:54 Today I feel like god wants me to know what AIDS feels like. # ****
• 19:58 Oh god, please don’t blow up, spleen. #
• 20:54 Cutting out serial killer heads to soft rock balladry. A lowkey Monday night. #

• 11:34 I will not blog about ppl in the hood. I will not blog about ppl in the hood. I will not blog about ppl in the hood. I will not blog about– #
• 20:17 Slave labor has been implemented. #
• 23:46 I just started up my Christmas card factory two weeks ago, and my lone employee is already staging a revolt. #

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***I really thought God was punishing me for making fun of Greg Louganis on Sunday night. Then yesterday, I woke up to an HIV commercial. But Christina, who is a servent of God, assured me that she didn’t think Greg had that much pull with the Big G-O-D. I don’t have AIDS, but probably I have mono for the fortieth time.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 22:20 What I Miss Most About LiveJournal: having comment parties with all my fake journals. #
• 23:52 Am not a fan of 8-9-08. #
• 23:57 The Olympics never fail to make me hate humanity. On the bright side, it forces me to continually best my repertoire of heckles. #
• 11:11 Today, I will catch flies in my mouth. #
• 12:40 I want to get a WorxGT and manicure all the yards in my ‘hood. The head tilts a full NINETY DEGREES. This is my new dream. #
• 12:41 Then I’ll come home and use it to give Henry’s flesh some precision edging. #

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• 15:56 One of those wisdom nuggets from Henry: Trust comes with trust. WOW. #
• 17:08 I wonder at what moment Henry decided he wanted to look like a child molestor. #
• 18:27 For the first time in twelve years, I am inside a Pizza Hut. #
• 18:42 Just got yelled at for putting egg morsels in henrys iced tea. Then he tossed some on my crotch. #
• 18:54 Trying to convince henry and blake that manorexic and boylimic are real terms. A non-success. #
• 22:23 Trying to arrange a picnic in the park for Henry and Greg Louganis. #
• 23:07 One should not jump rope while juiced on Zinfindel and flipflop-clad. #
• 10:02 About to trade in Chooch’s toys for passels of pennies, since that seems to be all he wants to play with anyway. #

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• 16:22 Henry to Chooch: You pee in the potty and we’ll buy you anything u want. As long as its under 6 dollars. #
• 20:12 Henry pissed off Chooch at the laundromat, so Chooch bellowed ASSHOLE. It had a nice ring as it reverberated off the linoleum and metal. #
• 22:08 Even the way Bush SITS makes me want to curbstomp him. #
• 22:11 twitpic.com/714z –  “No Chooch, you’ll get AIDS!” #
• 22:12 twitpic.com/713w – Well-trained. #
• 22:27 I’m cheering for my Romanian peeps for every Olympic event. Romania-what-what. #
• 22:44 twitpic.com/7201 – Chooch wuz heer #
• 11:30 Tried convincing Henry that it makes me hot when he cleans. He saw thru to my ploy. Rats. Lol, “rats”. #

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• 08:12 Perhaps Chooch has instilled me with maternal maneuverings after all. #
• 09:46 Dana smokes her crack pipes in the ghetto. #
• 11:39 Henry and I just had a fight about MTVs John Norris, which ended with Henry saying “I beat up depressed ppl daily” #
• 14:08 I wonder if I could get a homeless person to drink my blood. #
• 17:59 I thought Henry called me mommy but really he said “blow me”. Whew. #
• 10:07 @fondabruises I heard Ellen’s going to be at my kickball tourny so you should come too! #
• 10:57 It’s about to be all scene parties, horror movie marathons, and greasy pizza up in this hizzy. #
• 11:43 I don’t hate the Jonas Bros. #

• 16:11 Turns out I don’t miss my job nearly as much as I thought I would. Or at all. #
• 16:25 Every time we go to a gas station, henry acts like he’s never put gas in a car. Ever. In his life. Then he calls everyone else morons. #
• 17:16 Some bitch cut in front of us. I offered to kill her but Henry said he’ll let Karma take care of it. Fuck Karma, that unreliable twat. #
• 09:36 Having urge to weedwhack today. And not just nutsacks, but actual vegetation. #
• 10:41 I have a feeling life is about to get more crunk up in here. #
• 10:59 I hate that bitch who sings Clumsy in the KidzBop 14 commercial. She makes me feel enraged. In other commercial news, I want Bendaroos. #

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Henry found this small vinyl album chockful of delightful photos from his thirtieth birthday party that happened eighteen million years ago. I wonder if he still has that Coors t-shirt, and if the threads of which are still cocooned with the stench of Avon perfume and dirty stripper ass. His ex-wife probably squeezed it out into a bottle for her own enjoyment.

What really makes me smile is that directly following this debacherous photo set filled with silicone and porn star ‘staches, there are photos of his children taking a bath.

Oh Henry, you sly dog.

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• 16:58 Jesus christ my kid has no fear. I anticipate lots of heart-clutching in my future. #
• 21:19 Absolutely dying for a good game of kickball. #
• 00:27 Apparently I should give up on trying to be friends with ppl my age and aim for the teens. #
• 07:12 Blues Clues is too advanced for me at 7am. #
• 07:14 Or ANY time, really. #
• 07:57 TURN AROUND DONT DROWN. #
• 12:06 I’m going to start saying “holy moly” a whole lot more. #
• 13:15 If I was an european authority, I’d look the other way. #
• 15:48 You know I’m lonely as fuck when I’m BEGGING henry to speed up the Blake-moving-in process. Shit I just want some company. #
• 17:21 I put on some hardcore in the car and Chooch cheered. Henry said “he has the same anger as you, what do u expect?” #
• 23:48 I really need to join a club. Preferrably one that offers porn and screamo shows. And spaghetti dinners. #
• 23:59 I feel like an orphan. A goddamn 29-year-old fucking orphan. YOU KNOW THAT? AN ORPHAN. #

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• 13:30 Henry called me a whiner-baby WHATEVER THAT MEANS. #
• 20:46 was going to write about Warped Tour tonight but it appears that I’m job-searching instead. Oh Life, you card. #
• 21:36 I just resigned from my job. Tomorrow is my last day. My boss almost cried and then I almost cried. Ow. #
  

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• 19:31 UM. Tina just said goodbye to me because she’s leaving early and I FEEL SAD. Like, a legitimate twinge of sadness traveled my body. WTF. #
• 21:10 evidently I don’t smoke Swisher Sweets correctly. Feeling ill is the 1st sign. Smiling while smoke seeps through my teeth is the 2nd sign.
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• 15:40 It’s a good thing my pre-ordered Anthony Green CD arrived today, because I’m feeling crushed by post-job-quitting blues. Ouch. #
• 20:33 Just called a cop a fucker. Henry frowned. #
• 12:01 My kid is so abusive. I shouldn’t flinch every time he nears me. #

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• 09:52 Warped Tour, holla. #
• 10:44 Only been in the car for 5 minutes and Henry wants to kill Blake and me. #
• 10:52 Henry said he’d be happier if Kansas or Styx were playing at Warped Tour. I don’t know WHY he doesn’t like Norma Jean. #
• 11:16 I just pointed out a fellow old dude in the Warped traffic. Henry said "he’s probably dropping off his kids. I can’t be that lucky" #
• 13:38 Almost broke my neck trying to see The Bronx and had some guy ask if me, henry and blake have threesomes. #
• 13:53 Henry is frowning. A lot. #
• 14:07 A pungent pot cloud engulfed us and Henry scrambled for his DARE cap. #
• 14:40 Henry bragged the whole way here about how he never sunburns. He’s been whining ever since about his honkin’ red nose. #
• 14:54 Trying to enjoy Human Abstract. Henry and I are having first fight of day. #
• 15:04 About to have my veil pierced. #
• 16:28 Its not fun-havin’ until you catch a bitch with your head. And then another. #
• 17:33 Evergreen Terrace is currently chanting the inscription on Henrys and my future wedding bands: I want you dead. #
• 17:42 Henry hates music. #
• 19:04 I’m not leaving until henry buys booty shorts. #
• 19:45 Say Anything was quite possibly the most boring set of the day. And henry just saw a fellow oldie he recognized from the Chiodos show. #
• 20:43 Every time henry interrupts my convos with blake to ask a question, I tell him "n/m. U wouldn’t understand" and he frowns. #
  

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• 10:22 Henry: you and chooch are gonna have big conflict in the future. Wait until he’s 13. Me: oh by then I’ll be living in France. #
• 10:23 @fondabruises thank you for remembering! :) #
• 10:26 I had 4 cameras with me at Warped Tour. I’m such a loser. #
• 13:20 Continuing tradition by having the worst birthday ever. #
• 18:23 Even Kennywood sucks cock on my birthday #
• 18:28 And I got pizza on my Chiodos shirt! Get fucked by an AIDS syringe, July 30. You cunt. #
• 19:48 Janna bought me an ice cream cone w/ TWO cherries ontop. It made up for my twatty day until My Son the Beggar demanded 1 of the cherries. #
• 20:00 Janna is deaf. DEAF, JANNA IS DEAF. #
• 22:20 Met up w/ my bro & 3 of his friends who said they thought I was only 21. OK FINE MY BDAY WASNT TOO BAD. #

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