Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 15:42 ITS JUST RAIN! DRIVE, YOU FUCKSTICKS. Where’s the shotgun when I need it. #
• 16:51 when it’s raining, the only styling I should do to my hair is covering it with a bag. #
• 17:09 Kim just bought me a vegetable roll bc I have no cash. My translation: she’s going to miss being my boss. #
• 19:03 Wish I had thought to steal Ian Curtis’s gravestone. #
• 22:30 My boss burnt her popcorn and now i’m reaping the rewards. #
• 12:43 Henry said I’ve become a little more tolerable. Whatever that means. #

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Henry says that Chooch looks like the spitting image of me in this picture, which I can’t really deny as I can generally be found mid-whine as well.

Lately, Chooch has been into treating us with quite the histrionic performances. He’ll launch himself into full-body agita, make a sad little ‘o’ with his angry lips, and channel all the drama greats to achieve the most believable cry of desperation. After a minute or two or being ignored, he’ll rub his eyes, and in a cheerful baby-voice, he’ll declare, "I cryin’!"

And then he’ll laugh.

That’s the best case scenario. Worst case is that he turns into a tornado and starts kicking furniture and swiping things off the coffee table like a human wrecking ball. Then Henry will ask, in mock wonderment, "Wow, I wonder where he learned that?" and then shoot a paralyzing glare at my head.

The other day, Chooch and I were in my bedroom. He was at the foot of my bed when he started exclaiming "Kids!"  He was pointing into his bedroom. "Kids, kids, kids!"

I didn’t know what he could have been looking at that had kids on it, so I said, "No, Chooch. No kids."

Frustrated, he got up and ran into his room, where he pointed at the center of the floor and declared, "KIDS. Hahaha, kids!" At this point, I’m standing in the doorway of his room, heartrate accelerated, praying that some ghost child isn’t going to bite my ankle and shove a crucifix in my crotch.

Chooch was still standing there, pointing, looking all excited to have found invisible children in his room. I was afraid that if I entered the room, the door would slam and lock behind me and blood would start pouring from the walls like a waterfall from Hell, so I tugged him on the arm and said, "Hey, let’s go downstairs now, hooray."

I had just watched The Orphanage two days prior to this. Bad timing, Chooch.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:43 Today Henry said I looked like a hooker. Guess I’m further along in reaching my goals than I thought #
• 21:32 Enjoying the dulcet tones of Tina masticating popcorn. #
• 21:34 Fuck that kernel UP, Tina! Fuck it up! #

• 13:17 About to have a therapy appointment. I mean, get my hair done. #
• 23:17 Cinematic Sunrise. Vodka. Noose. = Potentially perfect trifecta. #
• 08:48 Had a nightmare about my supposed best friend so now I hate her. #
• 08:49 It involved two chainsaws, two welding masks, and 15,000 pounds of unbridled fear. #
• 09:14 @buenomexicana YES IDIOT #
• 11:07 Henry cutting the grass is a true spectator sport. Chooch even has popcorn. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 18:13 My shirt may or may not be work appropriate. But at least it won’t go transparent in the rain. #
• 09:52 I’m taking jumprope to prom. #
• 10:36 Your bitch was hit by a truck. What the fuck. #
• 10:48 B.U.M. Equipment and Coed naked t-shirts: those were so NOT the days. #
• 10:58 Just taught Chooch about the boy who cried wolf, added tons of gore and ridiculousness. he still says "help me I stuck" for no reason. #
• 11:14 Started bumbling my way thru hansel & gretel (my fairytale skills r rusty) but Chooch was all "yeah right, Oswald’s on. Turn it up." #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 17:16 Trying unsucessfully for 7 years to style Henry. Just turned his nose up at a display of polos. Fuck. #  
• 17:29 Watched an accidentally awesome porn last night. Juicy carrots and stuffed animals lost their innocence. #
• 18:20 Henry just showed me this fat envelope full of every letter and note I ever wrote him. I won’t lie: ice melted. #
• 18:43 There’s something about Sundays that make me want to eat grease, fat, and sugar and then wash it down with frozen daiquiris and pills. #
• 09:57 Drive Like Jehu dance parties kill the shitty Monday despair. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 15:58 today i learned that being nice pays off, even if it pains me to do so. a little something henry taught me. #
• 19:08 Caught Collin checking out Tina’s ass. #
• 19:34 I’m super grateful that I haven’t outgrown new-album-anticipation. #
• 19:38 @buenomexicana great, now you’ll remember how ug I am. #
• 12:11 I think I’m just going to start doling out Aqua Globes for birthday presents. Wedding gifts too. #
  

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• 15:22 What’s so great about Tampa Bay. #
• 17:00 Henry J. Robbins, poster man for the directionless. #
• 18:16 Love it when Chooch’s Comedy Hour coincides with dinner at a restaurant. #
• 18:58 Seen a lot of places today which beg to be murder scenes. #
• 19:27 Finally reached our destination. Unforch, so did storm clouds. #
• 20:04 according to Christina, i made 18 consecutive tweets with no mention of murder, up until 2 tweets ago #
• 22:27 Stopped at Valley Dairy for dinner. Henry asked if I was ordering an Attitude sandwich. This was after he told me I ruined his life. #
• 22:48 @buenomexicana "soda" is for fags. "Beverage" all the way. #
• 10:09 If I wasn’t so afraid of garroting, I’d totally try out hookering. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 17:25 I’m so good at parenting, I should think about doing it professionally. Become one of those housewife things. #
• 12:50 Thanks, but I only date nineteenth century Presidents. #
• 15:59 i wish ears were removable. i’d never bring them to work. #
• 18:01 Doing jumping jacks while parallel to the floor is no joke. I’m having bad flashbacks. #
• 21:43 engaging in a horrible pun-session. #
• 23:23 Hopefully if my # should ever grace a truck stop restroom wall, it’d be followed by accolades, not ambivalence. #
• 23:55 Wet tshirt contest, heeee-eeey. #
• 14:35 The way Guiding Light is filmed reminds me of the non-sex scenes in porns with plots. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:20 Flipped out over Best Buy’s lack of alphabetizing skills. #
• 23:26 Otis is officially my favorite movie seen this year. #
• 11:00 I guess vampires don’t give a shit about AIDS since they’re already dead. God, what a life. I want. # 

• 17:25 wtf is up with the influx of gross nose-laughers? it’s a fucking pandemic. god wants me in a padded cell. #

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 15:31 Christina said she’s thankful I bounce my ideas off her & henry before doing anything stupid. Kind of offended, still laffing. #
• 18:57 @buenomexicana because u stink so bad? #
• 19:00 Earlier, Tina did her signature sleazed out snort-laugh. Bob laughed knowingly and I fought the urge to punch myself in the gut. #
• 22:57 @buenomexicana hopefully a bomb in his rectum. #
• 22:57 MURDA MURDA MO MURDA. #
  

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• 14:27 Our local porn shop is closing. What the fuck is becoming of this world?? #
• 19:48 Set off alarm at arts festival. Ran very fast. #
• 09:04 Chooch walks around reciting his own version of the alphabet and I think its rubbing off on me. Luaj. Oajs kasu. Yajsu. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 12:20 Henry just looked at our Netflix queue and realized I deleted all of his picks and I can’t stop laughing. he’s so angry. #
• 19:07 You just can’t go wrong with barley. OK, I probably could, but Henry is good with it and that’s all that matters. #
• 22:18 Reading the word "heh" is the visual equivalent to the sound of cement being raked. #

• 14:35 I feel like Henry & I are the Sami & Lucas of real life, just w/o the attempted murder, great hair, treason, dual-fathered twins,etc. #
• 17:10 If I had to correctly identify a groundhog in a line up of otters and beavers, I’d be fucked. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 17:26 Chooch waged war on baby powder before I left for work and I think I have some up my nose. #
• 20:37 I sign up for book clubs then consistently neglect to decline monthly selections. I just got three books sent today.
  buy xenical online xenical online no prescription

  A sickness. #

• 20:38 I’m going to start renting them out to Janna for like, $50 a book. She’d pay it too. #
• 09:37 For breakfast, Chooch is scooping up strawberry oatmeal w/ tortilla chips. Its delicious. There’s some flax seed up in that bitch too. #
• 10:09 If you ask Chooch what his name is, he says Riley and I’m not sure how he knows that but thank god. #

• 13:54 Henry: you really need to take fucking cooking classes. Ill even pay for it. #
• 17:53 I am really fucking bored with my life. Clearly the solution is an extended stay at the nearest strip club, post haste. #
• 21:17 I’m having these weird flashes of listening to Neil Sedaka and wearing a daisy-chain crown. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:38 My hatred makes me physically shake. I need a nice dunk in an isolation tank. #
• 21:49 Tina and Kim had a fight last night, today they are besties. Not the outcome I had hoped for. #
• 11:58 Henry just threatened to send me to live with the Mormons because I’m being tantrum-y. #
  

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• 13:13 Sometimes all it takes to turn my mood around is some mint M&Ms. #
• 13:38 We’re on a train getting ready to depart on a scenic ride through the rain. #
• 14:19 Chooch is being an asshole and we’re stuck on this fucking train in the rain. Best day. #
• 14:25 All the other kids on this train are so tame. #
• 14:57 I do not perform properly around other kids. #
• 15:50 Corn chowder, I will always remember you. #
• 16:17 When chooch acts like an asshole, I tell him Jesus is coming. #
• 17:01 Henry just bragged that he met Kenny Chesney before he was "famous." I feel like there must be a diary entry somewhere. #
• 01:03 Today I taught Chooch how to choke himself & say bitchin’. Now he’s watching Lost Boys for the first time. #
  

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• 15:21 Me: Do u think I’m weird? Henry: I think you need help. #
• 09:56 Chooch is obsessed with Lost Boys now. He says WHOA then laffs during vamp scenes. I started young too. #

(Ed.Note: A lot of these rhyme, wtf?!)

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 09:56 I got yo back, P.Mick. #
• 10:28 About to start writing up tardy slips.#
• 11:25 Janna hates people who eat bean sprouts. Ignorance at large.#
• 11:28 My brother graduated high school on Tuesday. He just said, "remember that one time you didn’t?" Laffs.#
• 11:42 Some elderly douche gave the three asshole kids behind us lollipops and didn’t give Chooch one. Adrenaline is gushing. #
• 18:14 SlangThatGetsUnderMySkin edition: I pray someone says "betch" in my presence so I can cordially invite them to suck on my fist. #
• 18:37 Henry called me a slut, but I suppose that’s better than "BETCH." #
• 10:34 Chooch is terrorizing a bug. En route to Serial Killerville. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 15:26 Chooch talks like a Canadian. #
• 17:53 I wish my ring could squirt poison. #
• 18:50 Tina just asked me why I’m sitting on my knees. I AM SO SCRUTINIZED UP IN THIS JOINT. #
• 20:51 Totally threw off Tina by telling her I have a girlfriend. It was awesome. #
• 21:18 When ppl try to avoid junk food I suggest picturing candy bars stuffed into the bloated carcass of a dead hooker, throw in some shit & worms #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:24 Two nights in a row sans Eleanore. God is smiling down. #
• 18:04 Tina just had me close my eyes and open my mouth. Because I’m a retard, I did it. She hand-fed me a gummy jolly rancher. it was awkward. #
• 18:06 That jolly rancher did NOT complement the vegetarian sausage I had just chewed. #
• 18:24 Sigur Ros is probably not the wisest music choice for my mood right now. Someone once said "Torture" is my middle name. Oh wellsies. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 20:34 It’s painful for me to watch Chooch not color inside the lines. I have rigid coloring book standards. Srsly, I’m all clenched up right now. #
• 22:02 You are reading a Tweet from a real life mouse rescuer. #
  

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• 16:26 Chooch started saying "asshole" today and I know I should discourage it but it sounds so funny. Plus, he directs it at Henry. #
• 19:04 TINA JUST HIT ME! #
• 20:41 Henry shrinks the shirts that I like long, and stretches out the ones I want fitted. I’m honestly floating in a billowing blue shirt-sack. #
• 21:17 I seriously need a good game of wiffle ball, complete with grass stains and scrapes. I’m not joking, been thinking about it all night. #

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