Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 15:24 My hair doesn’t stand a chance in this kind of moist air. #
• 16:56 Eleanore + humidity x Tina’s laugh – patience = Erin’s exploding head. #
• 22:40 You know what I haven’t done in way too long? Beat the shit out of a pinata. I’m buying one this weekend and stuffing it with benzos. #
• 23:29 I just don’t get enough Gino Vannelli in my life, is what it is. #

• 11:34 Today Chooch locked himself in our bedroom and stood by the door saying "Help me I stuck." That didn’t make me panic or anything.#
• 18:55 Taking Henry out to eat for his birthday. Probably won’t happen again for another 7 yrs. #
• 19:33 We’re at Sharp Edge and Henry is busily texting his work boyfriend Dave, so I’m texting my mistress Twitter. #
• 19:35 Correction: my new mistress is the plate of fried pickle chips seducing me. #
• 20:20 I just told Henry what to order for his birthday dessert. The boss is on duty no matter whose birthday it is. #
• 20:36 Henry just said DONT START because I had Waitress Crush eyes. #
• 21:46 I thought one of the waitresses said Redrum, but Henry informed me she said "no problem". Could have been so cool. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:49 Bob keeps saying it would be so gr8 if Chooch grew up to be a cowboy-the antithesis of all I like. I’m afraid he’s sealing his fate. #
• 16:53 Big Bob knows A LOT about bulls. #
• 20:33 Oh hark! Ex-con Cleaning Guy just mumbled a succession of pleasant-sounding words at my face. I knew I’d win him over. With low-cut shirts. #
• 23:20 Dear words: plz help me convey how I feel about Who Let the Dogs Out playing over at Tina’s desk. — Erin. #
• 23:24 Dear Erin: You are looking for me. Love, Pained. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 12:51 I wish Blues Clues was around when I was a baby. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so dumbz0rz. #
• 17:27 Hardest part of parenting? Taking toys out of the packaging, obviously. #
• 20:29 Watching a hockey game with a 2 year old is about as frustrating as it sounds. #
• 05:17 Henry used to watch hockey back before they wore them thangs called helmets. #
• 08:53 I have a sick desire to see if Kinoki foot pads can cleanse and energize my body. Maybe Ill get Henry some for his bday and then steal them. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:19 A Staples box has never before held such amazing treasures. #
• 16:21 Wearing new Chiodos shirt that arrived today, then I was behind someone w/ 5 CHIODO on their license plate on the way to work. MEANING?? #
• 17:46 Operation:Get Tina to Quit? Now in full effect. #
• 19:35 Tina is listening to Eye of the Tiger and gnashing popcorn with her teeth, classy broad that she is. #
• 22:49 my boss just gave me permission to call off tomorrow night so i can watch the game. best job ever. minus the scissors and tina. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:02 I’m a meat cleaver believer #
• 17:36 forgot to shake Henry for change before coming to work. i’m slipping. #
• 17:56 Could be in best mood, then Chris Garneau covering Elliott Smith comes on random = heartbreak cocktail with a twisted suicide garnish. #
• 18:13 If someone should get Henry a gravy separater for his bday, would he feel inspired to make more gravy? CHOCOLATE VODKA GRAVY? I wonder. #
• 20:42 Collin said that Henry looks good for his age, but would probably look even better if he didn’t live with me. Oh, laffs. #
• 21:39 SUCK A DICK, DETROIT. #
• 23:38 For someone who doesn’t even like hockey, Tina sure has a lot to say about it.#
• 00:26 How am I supposed to sleep after this? I guess it’ll be a good time to finally open that meth lab I’ve been dreaming of. #
• 00:47 FUCKING AMEN!!!!!!!!! #

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(*and by busy, I completely mean lazy.)

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• 07:14 I’m subtitling 2008 as The Year I Gave My Dentist Too Much Money. #
• 07:21 Chooch has determined his breakfast to be a red freezepop. #
• 10:56 On the way home from work last nite I had a clear vision of a jagged piece of glass slicing through half my face and one eyeball. Awesome. #
• 04:32 At one point last night, Christina noted that an entire hour passed without me mentioning murder. Gold star alert. #
• 05:07 The dinner Henry made me looks uncannily like dog food, which is apropos I guess. Tastes good though. #
• 05:56 Was standing still in front of my desk, lost balance and half-fell. Sent a fork catapulting through air. 1 witness. #
• 06:00 Me: Eleanore, remember when I totally fell? Eleanore: Uh, yeah babe. It was five minutes ago. #
• 08:36 Shit I hate Tina so bad that it makes me laugh murderously. HAHAHAHAMURDER.#
• 09:41 were my arms too short to ransom you from leper’s skin and snacks of glue? #
  

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• 10:52 Henry: what kind of woman are you? You don’t carry Kleenex or have tampons. #
• 12:47 Henry just explained to me the concept of fire and how it doesn’t get along with clothing. #
• 14:46 She makes me feel pretty. #
• 17:43 Saw a dead fish in a pond and henry gently reminded me that animals really do die. Except it wasn’t so gentle. #
• 20:15 Chooch is now the owner of a neon pink fish named Switchblade. Wagering with Henry on who kills it first: Chooch, the cats, me. #
• 21:20 Chooch’s head is big enough to use as an ottoman. #
• 23:36 I think part of my eye just peeled off. #
  

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• 10:00 I know this comes as a shock, but: 2-year-old + pet fish = what was I thinking? #

Other than that, I spent my weekend chasing my kid through a cemetery, getting all up in Henry’s hair, eating pizza, watching through my fingers as the Penguins lost, being treated to a good grilled cheese lunch by my friend Jess, wishing I was in Ohio, and getting lost in my own ‘hood.

Clearly it means that no one can ever propose to me, because ain’t no diamond ever replacing the bling-blangin’ butterfly hugging my ring finger.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:54 Wanting to bring Jillian Michaels as my date to Kara’s wedding, on the real. #
• 17:30 After getting raped at the gas station, got suckered into buying a $10 DARE shirt from Community Alliance canvassers. Disgusted with self. #
• 17:33 & I’m not even really AGAINST drugs. Guy tried to get me to buy 2 shirts for $20, I was like "Bro I just put 2 tshirts in my gas tank sry." #
• 18:55 Eleanore hits ‘send’ with so much angry force that i sometimes think she’s launching missiles to the other side of the globe. #
• 18:55 @buenomexicana she and i. SHE and I. #
• 20:34 What? I start punching ppl too when I’m losing at anything. Go Pens. #
• 22:36 horded chocolate in my pocket. felt it and it melted. #

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• 13:21 Oh, to be in the Russian mob. #
• 13:23 The sound of frozen fingers being snipped off sure does get me every time. #
• 15:43 My ears are magnets for annoying voices, obviously. Freeze and snip THEM off, I wish the Russian mob would. #
• 16:50 eleanore just violently ripped up what seemed like an entire ream of paper. i’m frightened. #
• 21:45 there are days when i just want to sit in a forest, weaving baskets and judging competitive orgies. #
• 21:49 lol right after that last one i was added by twitter user "TopPorn". #
• 09:20 Chooch just tripped over my leg; now he’s eyeing it up like he wants to take a hacksaw to it. Someones got mommys temper.#
• 10:16 Serviceman came to fix gas meter while Chooch & I were flailing to #12 Looks Like You. He looked alarmed. #
• 10:56 Eleanore gave me a tarot kit. Soon Ill delude myself into thinking I’m good, then scam ppl so i can pay for ugly tattoos and yarn. #
• 11:58 Chooch is doing sign language on a picture of Kristen Bell’s face instead of his own. Then he said PUNCH and punched her in the mouth. #
• 12:00 I yelled NOT VERONICA MARS and flipped to a photo of Angelina Jolie for him to batter. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 14:51 Great. Now Chooch expects candy to be showered upon him every time he goes outside. Thanks parade, you asshole. #
• 15:57 My neighbor Robin is hooked up to an oxygen tank and I really need to know why. Asking her would be too easy. #
• 17:29 Chooch is eating a bowlful of cold cavatelli noodles, cheese, pretzels and Capn Crunch. He’s getting an early start on college cuisine. #
• 19:17 My son is simultaneously fixated and horrified of eye balls. #
• 19:19 I took pics of my eye, his eye, and henrys eye with my phone and Chooch is actually shuddering. Henry is yelling at me to stop.
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  #

• 20:15 I just got really pissed off about the Star Spangled Banner. Fuck that song and all the ppl who sing it. #
• 09:46 My morning so far: full of eyeballs and reciting the cast of Cars. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 08:15 I’m sorry but burning oatmeal and then adding more milk is the key to a really delicious breakfast.#
• 08:41 Recently realized I had typo on MySpace profile which had been there for a year and I didn’t flip. Growth. #
• 10:14 Chooch likes bread. Chooch likes cheese. Chooch does not like cheese sandwiches.#
• 16:29 pinched thumb in belt while in restroom, held back scream lest someone think i was passing kidney stone or birthing. but fuck that hurt. #
• 19:31 Oh, Jonny Craig. Your voice rapes me. #
• 21:29 The Felix Culpa turned up high drowns out stupidity, even when its 300 miles away. #
• 22:15 how fun would it be to play hopscotch with human heads, i wonder? #
• 22:53 Reciting nursery rhymes at work never fails to titillate. #
• 23:14 Would eat bug as long as it was petrified in butterscotch. Maybe not a cockroach. Unless there was chocolate on that fuck. #
• 23:27 My eyes bleeding would be the least of my concerns at this point. #
• 08:13 When Capn Crunch calls, you answer. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 17:30 Oh Twitter, its going to be a long, tense night. At least Tina brought Sour Patch Kids. #
• 17:40 Tina was talking about having pink eye on top of all her flesh diseases. #
• 17:42 Forgot to put rings on my right hand & I just KNOW tonite will be the nite I need to punch a bitch. #
• 18:44 I think tina is listening to the Spice Girls. #
• 22:32 POPPYCOCK. Poppycock on the block. I’m telling your God. #
• 22:54 Could really go for some Chuckles right now, hold the green. #
• 08:49 Never fucked up oatmeal so badly before. It should flee to the battered oatmeal shelter. #
• 08:52 Chooch is never going to learn what oatmeal is considering it tastes different every time I make it. #
• 09:22 Somehow the violation made this the best bowl of oatmeal ever. But I feel like a rapist now. #

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• 15:57 Eleanore keeps giving me lifejacket safety stickers. Definitely a sign that I’m drowning.
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  #

• 16:02 Right now, the sound of office laughter makes me want to string up dead bodies on a clothesline and stuff them like pinatas. #
• 16:10 …pinatas stuffed with grenades. #
• 19:28 Need to stop listening to Dance Gavin Dance or else it will be my funeral. #
• 23:47 Just confronted Eleanore about the scissors. That went well. (That did not go well.) #
• 10:38 Chooch and me – popcorn for breakfast. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 15:58 Co-worker Big Bob is learning us about the different kinds of rape. Hello libido. #
• 17:21 I always feel complete when I wear my Chiodos shirt. #
• 18:12 I could probably eat a tongue as long as it was wrapped snugly in a tortilla and smothered in cheese. #

• 15:53 Physically ill after watching Atonement. #
• 20:14 At Kings. My son is fake sneezing for attention from other diners. Great. #
• 10:11 My bitch is making me pancakes and they better be good. #
• 10:45 Jonny Craig’s voice sounds like a heart breaking. And those pancakes made me sick. #

• 14:37 Just described my symptoms to Henry and he said it sounds like I’m in love but won’t admit it hahaha. #
• 14:55 Jumping jacks are my favorite things in the world, next to Mexicans. Maybe I should combine them by wearing a sombrero. #
• 17:31 Trying to persuade henry to learn how to french braid so he can make my hair look frenchy. #
• 20:54 Chooch was drawing a pic of me. When henry saw it was sloppy scribbles he said "yeah that’s mommy — a big mess." #
• 21:08 At eat n park, a table of ghost whisperers are sitting behind us. I want to slap them. #

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