Thank you, Green Sweater. I never knew how bad my desire was to see Taemin cocooned so elegantly by you. But now that I’ve seen it, I never want to not see it. I want to hug you while you’re resting gently on Taemin’s perfect frame. I want to softly twist your pretty tendrils, the ones that are lying atop Taemin’s shoulders, nearest his pretty chin. I want to admire your verdant hue as seen in the reflection of Taemin’s sultry eyes. I want to test your softness by pressing my face into Taemin’s chest. I want to toss what will likely be the equivalent to half my next paycheck into the air with wanton abandon so that I can put you on my Taemin cardboard cutout and bask in your heavenly perfection every day. Oh yes, I do believe the moment you descended upon Taemin was the angels’ cue to begin singing from up on high.

Oh Green Sweater, Taemints worldwide salute you for your service.

No comments

Ok, listen listen listen, things finally started to get fun at the midway point of my week off. Henry GRACIOUSLY let me have the car on Wednesday (even though it’s MY car, but we are a one-car family and god forbid he should take the bus to work) so Chooch and I went hogwild. 

Literally.

We went to Round Hill Game Preserve!

Actually, and this is so very sad, we planned our entire day around Taco Bell.

We’re an American anomaly in that we rarely eat fast food, but Taco Bell has always been my fave ever since high school when I realized, “Yo, I can actually order things that don’t automatically come stuffed with meat!” (You might know that I have been a vegetarian since I was 16.) Anyway, my go-to item at Taco Bell for like the past 20 years has been the 7-later burrito and when I found out last month that they were REMOVING IT FROM THE MENU in order to make room for “new items,” I literally thought I was going to set fire to the nearest church.

(There are three right across the street from me so I wouldn’t even have had to go very far, I’m so…blessed.) Right around that time, the director of my department emailed me my choices for my annual birthday gift card and when I saw that Taco Bell was an option, I pounced on it, because now more than ever did I have incentive to pump my body full of faux-Mexican cuisine. Seven layers worth, as it were. 

But then I kept putting it off and putting it off and saying things like, “I already made too many poor food choices this weekend, we’ll do it next weekend” until finally, it was too late. I missed the bus to the 7 layer send off party, you guys. I AM SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE. I feel like I have been pretty adult-ish lately, what with all the dumpster fires smoldering across the world, but this was the catalyst that made me go off and post a whiny tweet because I LEARNED IT FROM THE “PRESIDENT” ok??

This brought back massive memories of 1999 when those corporate Taco Bell assholes took the veggie fajita wrap away from me and social media wasn’t around then but I HAD A WEBSITE (Ruby Red’s Sporkworld!) and I wrote this whole SAVE THE FAJITA WRAP mission statement, urging people  to call and write to Taco Bell. Lotta good that did. Anyway, I looked it up (my old website) and was pleased to see that it’s still partially intact, including the fajita wrap stuff! I showed Chooch and he was like, “wow. I am. so proud. of you.”

Well, enough about that for now. First, we went to Round Hill! I mean, after dropping dumb Henry off at his dumb job, ugh.

 

We got there early enough that it wasn’t too crowded, but I definitely did not feel comfortable not wearing a mask. Especially when we had to walk past some man sitting on bench, no mask, coughing and sneezing aggressively while chowing down on Cheetos. AMERICA, YOU GUYS. GOD BLESS IT.

 

It’s been a minute since I ventured out to Round Hill and I was pleasantly surprised to see that they added some new exhibits since I have last been there. For instance, I do not remember there being goats or llamas, but suddenly here they are. 

Another thing I for sure don’t remember is the sunflower field?! It was practically a corn maze! We had the most fun! I pretended like it was senior portrait time, and I mean, I’m pretty much halfway in between high school senior and senior citizen, so…

(Also, I hated my senior portraits. The photographer was such a fucking creep.)

Chooch always takes the best pictures of me because he makes me laugh so I actually look natural and not like I’m smiling through a kidney stone like when anyone else takes my picture. Don’t get me wrong though, I still had plenty of “EW DELETE IT” moments which make Chooch groan. Sorry I’m not as fucking photogenic as his perfect self, ugh.

There were a lot of people there who totally made us roll our eyes, but this section of the park was completely empty and we loved it. 

Before we left, we sat at the duck pond and instead of it being a place of serenity and cute duck sounds like we had hoped, the area was polluted by this shitty family who stayed way longer than necessary. It was a pregnant mom, four kids under the age of 7, and Grandma. They let all 4 kids throw pebbles at the ducks (the oldest boy kept wandering off to throw bigger rocks in the pond and luckily it was always in an area of the water not populated by ducks but Chooch recorded him anyway “for my lawyer,” he said, in case we witnessed any animal abuse. I fucking HATE when grown ass adults stand there and let children do stupid shit like this. OK, the tiny gravel/pebble pieces they were throwing in probably weren’t hurting anything but at the bare minimum, it was teasing the ducks into thinking that food was being thrown to them. But then, the youngest kid, who was definitely a toddler, had drifted off several feet from his family and fell headfirst down the hill, in slo-mo, nearly ending up in the very pond of ducks he had just been drizzling with pebbles. IT WAS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS. I mean, the incline of the hill was such that when he fell, he actually landed on his head and we were laughing so hard we had to turn around on the bench so that they the dumb adults didn’t see us, like when you get the giggles in the church and have to bury your face in the missalette, not that I know anything about that at all. 

We tried telling Henry about it later and he just looked at us with that disappointed smirk he gets, so we were like “guess you had to be there” and now I will say it to you, too:

Guess you had to be there.

We left shortly after that, driving through rural PA to the nearest Taco Bell. Chooch was pointing out houses that he liked, until he realized that nearly every house we drove past had TRUMP signs in their yards, one was like a fucking Trump carnival with a giant banner slung across their house and at least 30 signs of varying shapes and sizes (way more inclusive than any Trump supporter is toward actual human beings) posted throughout their yard. This house made Chooch violently dry-heave, which turned into almost-vomit. 

Honestly, it makes us so sick to see people blatantly supporting that racist piece of bigot-shit. 

Anyway! We made it to Taco Bell in White Oak and then laughed our asses off when we realized that there was a post office in the shopping center right next to us because Henry wanted me to go and mail something for him that morning since I had the car and I was like, “No. I will not be anywhere near a post office. Figure it out yourself” and then Chooch and I peeled out of the FAYGO parking lot, leaving Henry standing there to eat our dust, item-to-be-mailed clutched uselessly in one hand. 

We’re the biggest dicks ever to that man, haha.

So we got our Taco Bell and then Chooch looked on A MAP and found a RIVER PARK in McKeesport where we could park and eat our lunch. If you’re not from around here, you might not know that McKeesport isn’t the greatest, most scenic area, but there is a river that people like, take their boats on. When I was little, my pappap used to take us to this place called Paulie’s Lookout for my birthday dinners because I liked that it was on a hill and it overlooked the river so I thought it was fancy, and also I would get lobster because I was That Little Rich Bitch. 

That place sadly closed down a long time ago and has since been completely torn down. :(

 

Our lunchtime view. Chooch was dying because I made such a mess eating my (vegetarian) chalupa which is so delicious but so unsatisfying and he didn’t drop even a single bean while eating his but in my defense, he had a goddamn crunchwrap and those things are so secure!

 

I made him pose with this random lighthouse in the parking lot.

Afterward, I was like, “I’M ON VACATION AND I WANT ICE CREAM” and Chooch was like, “OK you don’t have to scream it” so we went to The Scoop in, I dunno, West Mifflin or Munhall or something and we were the only people there and had the entire patio are to ourselves and it almost felt like it wasn’t a pandemic anymore until we got back to the car and bathed in hand sanitizer. 

Chooch was really dying at this place though because my cone cracked in my hand and I had ice cream all over my arm and wrist and face. He shook his head and said, “Wow, you’re so messy. The tables have really turned” as he Vanna’d his hands over himself to illustrate how clear of ice cream he was.

Fuck you, Chooch.

Man, we usually would have had like 8459 soft serves by this point of the summer but alas, it was not to be. So eating this bad boy gave us some semblance of normalcy. And the actual cone was matcha flavored! It was so good. Sometimes you just gotta get down with some sprinkle-capped soft serve, son. 

Then later I had to go and pick up Henry’s sorry ass from work, so that was annoying. And then we had to go to the post office, lol. Basically, once Henry was done with work, the rest of the day was lame and boring. Sorry Henry, you know it’s true. BIG SHRUGS. 

No comments

Chooch starts school (HIGH SCHOOL) on Monday, so we decided to do a tiny road trip to Erie (I mean, it’s only 2 hours away, so yeah – pretty tiny!) today as a last hurrah and to maybe try and make this summer feel like summer, even if only for a few hours. I’ll be back in a few days with a full recap of all the arguments and Henry bullying but for now, here are some photos of my almost-adult, who still would rather build things out of sticks than cooperate with his mother during a fauxtoshoot.

This shirt is from Blvck Cat. They’re an indie horror pin company and you should support them.

Probably thinking about his cat.

He won’t actually pose for me anymore so usually all the shots I get of him are when he’s in mid-something, looking like a mannequin.

Probably contemplating where to shove this.

 I kept saying, “Do something Taemin-esque. Pose like Taemin would” and he was just like, “I will not.”

Well, that’s that. I’m going to go and pass out now because even though it was just a quick day trip, I am clearly off my traveling game because I am absolutely fucking exhausted (and I also still have sand in my shoes, so I should probably attend to that).

No comments

Not gonna lie, Tuesday was boring to the max. I finished reading The Vanishing Half and it was superb. I think perhaps that was the highlight.

I’ve recently been obsessed with walking to nearby Little Free Libraries and found one that was a walkable distance away in Dormont, so we did that at some point.

I mean, talk about reaching for the stars, you know?

It took less than 30 minutes to get there and I didn’t see anything I wanted, but definitely LOL’d at the Leslie Sansone book!

There was one positive aspect of this walking adventure, though: inside the Little Library was a book by the person who wrote the Percy Jackson series which made Chooch remember that he never finished it because he couldn’t get book 3 from Libby (this was right when quarantine started and the libraries had shut down). I looked it up on the library’s website and it said it was available at our local branch PLUS I had two books waiting to be picked up, so later that afternoon, we walked to the real library, which as you know is like my favorite thing to do these days!

We had to go inside though because even though we requested the Percy Jackson book earlier that day, they didn’t include it with my books that were already on hold so Chooch had to ASK THE LIBRARIAN who actually was very nice considering that all the librarians are actual witches to Chooch, according to him. We had to wait for a whole ass minute while she went downstairs to get it from the shelf, and this was apparently unacceptable to the old man behind us so he left and we were like, “Wow, bro. Learn some patience.”

After we left the library, we went next door to the bakery and bought some cookies. While we were in there choosing what we wanted, the old man from the library came in and had to stand in line behind us again, HAHAHAHA. This time he actually waited though.

Hey. I warned you that Tuesday was boring.

Oh shit, as I’m writing this, I realized that I said that the JZZ BAR cat toy came (yeah it did) on Monday, but I think it was actually Tuesday. Look, my days are so fucking jam-packed with action and fun that I can’t keep track.

Um, what else. We came home from the bakery and I convinced Chooch to start watching The Haunting of Hill House because he didn’t watch it with me last year when it came out and I really think he would like it but he’s at that age where he doesn’t take recommendations from PARENTS so I had to resort to reverse psychology (“yeah never mind. it’s probably too scary for you. it’s inappropriate. you wouldn’t understand it”). It started storming while we were watching it so it made it even better! Well, for me anyway. He tried to front like it was “just ok” and he didn’t get scared at all and he doesn’t know if he will continue watching the series, etc etc. Whatever.

Then Henry came home and I was like WORK ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

HELLO, THE COFFEE TABLE. So that happened. He painted more parts of it. I dunno. Everything gets done at the slowest pace imaginable around here and everything about Tuesday was so fucking boring that I’m actually falling asleep while writing this.

Don’t worry, Wednesday and today (well, just this evening) were much more exciting so STAY TUNED.

Or don’t. Hopefully you have better things to read on the Internet! I’m about to unsub from my own damn blog after this one.

But if you still read this…thanxx!

No comments

We keep getting all these reminder emails to use our PTO, under the guise of being kind to our mental well-being but really it’s because the firm doesn’t want everyone playing chicken with Covid and waiting until it’s safe to travel which likely won’t be anytime soon and then everyone will try to take off the entire month of December.

I’ve been taking days here and there but then I pulled the trigger and scheduled off for a full week this month and one week in October too, and here I am, smack in the middle of my “staycation” and don’t even bother asking me how that’s going because you guys all know how much I hate “staying.”

So far, most of the days have been the same as all the other days during Covid, except that I haven’t had to log onto work. I’ve just been spending lots of time with the cats and reading books. And cramping Chooch’s style.

(A few weeks ago, I had the department shared calendar up on my screen while I was working and Chooch was like, “Why does your name take up that whole entire line?” and I said, “Because I’m off that whole week.” He tone went flat as he said, “Yay. I’m so excited for me.”)

Anyway, here is a recap of the highlights from Monday and Tuesday because there were kind of some, I guess.

On Monday, I had the grand idea to walk to the neighboring town of Beechview after lunch. Usually, I would see the main street of it every day since it’s on my trolley route to work, but as it is, I haven’t been in Beechview since March! It’s not too far of a walk, and I pointed out that there is a big Las Palmas grocery store there (as opposed to the small, bodego-style version we have in Brookline) and this appealed to Chooch because there are some new flavors of Takis that he’s been wanting to try.

Bribing kids with spicy Mexican snacks is OK, parents.

On the way there, we walked down one of the nicer streets in Dormont and they had exercise suggestions taped to some of the trees, so we were jumping and spinning and then eventually realized at the end of the street that there was a scavenger hunt set up on that block, so I promised that we would walk home that same way so we could play. (Honestly, it was only like 25% for Chooch’s sake and the rest for myself – I like funtime too!!)

Then I took this picture of Chooch and hours later, when I posted it on Instagram, I yelled out, “OMG that’s so cool how you accidentally matched up with the background” and Chooch scowled and said, “I did that on purpose. I told you I was doing that as you took the picture!” SORRY, MY 41-YEAR-OLD EARS DID NOT HEAR THAT.

At Las Palmas, we went hogwild on Takis (I mean, we bought three small bags, but sure OK. Hogwild) and then I said, “We should be nice to your dad since he’s been working so hard on getting shit done around the house. I’m going to text him and see if he wants anything.” So I did, but then I forgot that I texted him and we were tired of being there after walking down, like, 3 aisles, so we checked out and left. Two blocks away, Henry texted me and said, “surprise me.”

I showed it to Chooch and we did the clenched teeth inhale. “Um, maybe we could get him something from Potomac Bakery,” I suggested but then remembered that I didn’t have any cash, lol, oh well.

Meanwhile, we treated ourselves to frozen treats at Alquisiras Paleteria, haha.

We walked past some older white guy who was like “ICE CREAM, HUH? LOOKS GOOD” and we jumped and said “yessir” like we were suddenly Mayberry children who just got caught jaywalking in front of the postmaster and he just kept pressing us for information about where we got them and I kept trying to answer but he kept cutting me off and saying, “THAT BBQ PLACE DOWN THERE, HUH” and like, no, that’s not where, but if you’re so fucking sure why do you keep asking. I started to wonder if he was undercover ICE and I got really uncomfortable.

Also, my thumbnails are the only nails on my hands that have polish on them and I still can’t be bothered to do anything about it.

We had way too much fun playing planetary peeping toms, you guys. Way too much fun. All streets should do this! Again, just like how the Little Library wouldn’t fare well in my front yard, I can’t imagine the people on my block getting their shit together and participating in something like this. I mean, I guess one of them could be “passed out drunk guy” because Chooch’s nemesis Larry can often be found in an inebriated supine state in his front yard.

Yeah, we had way too much fun doing this, lol. I was fine until we came across the one that had us touching our toes because my back, oh boy, my back.

(GO TO THE DOCTOR is what Henry and Chooch keep suggesting but I’m like, No I will keep watching LOWER BACK PAIN REMEDY videos on YouTube, thanks guys.)

The other notable thing that happened on Monday was that the cats’ new tunnel came! To be fair, only Drew cares about the tunnels and her other two are pretty beat up so she needed a replacement.

I didn’t realize that we actually purchased a JZZ BAR, though.

Oh! One other exciting thing happened! I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a picture of Taemin from when SuperM appeared on some Japanese show recently and I was like IS HE WEARING A CURE T-SHIRT because I could see what appeared to be the top of Robert Smith’s hair peeking out from underneath the blazer Taemin was also wearing, so I spent all this time scrolling through Instagram and YouTube looking for more photos and videos of their appearance and can confirm that YES, YES HE WAS WEARING A CURE T-SHIRT AND MY WORLDS COLLIDED IN THE PRETTIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL EXPLOSION INSIDE MY HEART.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

And that was my super exciting Staycation Day 1. Stay tuned for more thrilling recaps. Sigh.

No comments

Insert obligatory CAN YOU BELIEVE [X MONTH] IS ALMOST OVER exclamation here. But for real, only one more weekend before it’s Back to School Time here in Pittsburgh. Even though Chooch isn’t physically returning to school just yet, I still have that lowkey summer sadness. 

Anyway! Happy thoughts. 

The weekend got underway Friday night with some porch hangs. This has been one of the few highlights of the summer – chilling with the cats on the porch. Drew and Penelope are both extremely skittish cats so it was pretty shocking when they both expressed (tentative) interest in coming outside back in June.

Penelope will only venture all the way out onto the porch once the sun goes down. But even then, every little noise makes her do the Scooby-jump and dart back into the house. 

Drew is much braver at night to the point where Chooch has to put a harness on her now, just to be safe. Haha.

Meanwhile, inside the house, Henry actually hung the neon sign! I was floored that he got it up on the wall on the same day it came in the mail and didn’t leave it laying on the floor for 6 months like he did with the Mouse Attack sign. The reason I’m so astonished is because there’s no electrical outlet on that side of the wall and he had to actually install one — I didn’t ask any questions, but there was a lot of drilling involved. 

Henry was an electrician’s apprentice way back in the say, or so he says, and he apparently apprenticed his ass off because he’s definitely done a lot of electrical wizardry here in our house. 

But you guys, I am so thrilled with how the neon sign turned out. It really brings the whole room together and fulfills the vision I had from the very beginning! Without it, I think some people might have been like “how is this an 80s kitchen though” but now the vibes are real. The other day, Chooch and I blasted In the Air Tonight while standing in the kitchen and it for real for real felt like Sonny and Tubbs were going to come through.

In weekend book news, I tried to pare down my TBR but only managed to knock out Such a Fun Age. 

Then I dumped all of the photos I brought home 4 years ago from my grandparents’ house into photo boxes, so now I don’t have a giant, beat-up box, a giant wicker basket, and multiple plastic bags full of photos loafing on my bedroom floor anymore. I didn’t even bother to sort the photos – I just fucking dumped them into the boxes and called it a day. There are like 5 decades of pictures in there!

Fuck that. 

Sunday morning, Henry came outside and sat down and I was like WHY AREN’T YOU WORKING ON ANYTHING and he said because he was eating breakfast and I was like BUT YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING YET TODAY TO EARN A MEAL. 

Don’t worry, after he ate, we went to Construction Junction because really funny story (actually it’s boring): we somehow lost a drawer. No, not during this recent kitchen redo, but like, years ago. We’ve just always had a gaping hole in lieu of a drawer for literally as long as I can remember but I feel like it must have happened 10 years ago when I originally wanted to fix the kitchen and Henry never got any further than painting (very half-assedly) the drawers and cabinets a teal color. He kept saying that that one drawer must have “dropped down” during that time, whatever that means, but I think what really happened was that he took all the cabinets off and drawers out, and in the process he broke one and just didn’t care. 

We had a party a few years ago and someone jokingly pointed out the gaping drawer cavity and I was like, “Oh yeah, I always forget about that damn drawer.” Like, I just got SO USED to a drawer not being there that I stopped questioning it.

But this time around, I was like, “hey Henry….what are we going to do about that missing drawer?” I mean, we spent so much time fixing this stupid room, and then what…just leave that ugly gap there? Like the sink area lost a tooth?

 

So we went to Construction Junction, which is like a home reuse place that is exciting to me for about 2 minutes and then I’m like, “Can we go now can we go now can we go now.” Anyway, Henry managed to find a drawer thingie that was the same size as the bigger drawers we have so he was like I CAN GET IT DOWN TO SIZE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH and I was like “That’s fine, whatever, can we go now can we go now can we go now” so went to the check out and guess how much it cost? FIFTY CENTS, BOY.

Compared to like, $60 that Lowe’s and Home Depot wanted for basically the same small slab of crappy wood.

Thanks, Construction Junction.

See the gaping hole over there? Like, who loses an entire drawer though. I think Henry is hiding something from me. Anyway, he already cut the drawer to size and it just needs painted, then we will have normal-people kitchen cabinets and drawers! I can’t even handle it. This is also the first time I’ve been able to take a picture of this side of the kitchen without feeling rage!

This is the current situation ^^^.

VERY CLOSE to being done! The handles for the drawers came in the mail today and I put them on all by myself! We also are getting personal photos of ourselves from the 80s turned into small magnets for the fridge; we need a cover for the ceiling light (Henry has vetoed EVERY SINGLE ONE I HAVE SENT HIM); we have a small curtain to make for the door window using fabric that features illustrations of Robert Smith, David Bowie, Siouxsie Sioux, Adam Ant, and Cyndi Lauper which I’m very excited about!; and Henry still needs to figure out what he’s doing with that sweet-ass Conair telephone I bought from eBay. I think that’s mostly it. Oh! I want to make a shelf out of several books published in the 80s, which is why the neon sign isn’t centered (I’m sure that was making some people on Instagram twitch!) and I also left some space above the spice rack in case I stumble upon anything in the future that needs to live on the kitchen wall. You never know. 

Here’s what it looks like from the back porch:

When covid peaces out, I’m having a big house party because we put so much work in this damn space and I need my friends to come over and enjoy it with me!

The best part is that now that all the big stuff is finally done in the kitchen, Henry has been able to move onto other back-burnered projects, like the coffee table, which is finally painted and put back together, just without legs and without the finished top. Then maybe he can finally work on the Seoul subway sign?!?! (Except that we promised Chooch we would redo his room before school starts since he’s doing online school and needs a good space in which to do so since I will working from home until at least the end of October at this point.)

I hate that this summer has been filled with so many adult things, like gardening and going to Lowe’s. :(

Also on Sunday, we went to 350 Bakery on the Southside to grab some, well, baked goods. We totally double-dipped this weekend because I sent Henry there right when they opened on Saturday to get us some hand pies. I really wanted to try their homemade poptarts though so we swung by on the way home from boring Construction Junction. I stayed in the car, and when Henry came back empty-handed, I started to clench, which is my defense mechanism when confronting UTTER LETDOWN head on. Yeah, they were sold out of poptarts, so he just left the line? Like he didn’t even bother to ply me with consolation carbs? So we left and for a solid 5 minutes in the car I ranted about how he should know that when I AM MENSTRUATING, I fucking NEED SUGAR so he should have JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING ELSE and he was like “do you want me to go back” and I was like NO BECAUSE YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE and so then he was like “OK we will continue to drive home” so I was like OH WOW IF YOU EVEN REALLY CARED ABOUT ME….so then he was like, “OK I am going back to this bakery no matter what you say, what do you want, something chocolate, or….” and I was like I DUNNO WHAT I WANT WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME DECIDE I AM SO SICK OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE JUST FUCKING CHOOSE SOMETHING FOR ME BUT CHOOSE WISELY BECAUSE IF YOU GET THE WRONG THING I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD I WILL END YOU.

Anyway, great news! When it was his turn to enter the bakery (one customer at a time, plz), the girl behind the counter whispered to him that she found one extra poptart if he wanted it and he was like THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY FAKE MARRIAGE, BAKERY CLERK. And then she gave him a chocolate chip cookie for free so now he thinks he’s like big shit in the bakery circle.

I’m not even being melodramatic when I say that the poptart was fucking everything I needed and I’m actually kind of annoyed that I was generous enough to split it three-ways. 

That thing on the left is a chocolate babka which I’ve surprisingly never had before even though I am part-Polish and was born and raised in Pittsburgh but I am here to say that it was worth the 41 year wait. 

350 Bakery has a generic name, but their goods are anything but!

I’ve spent a lot of time outside this summer, reading books in the morning but I admittedly get distracted a lot because I like looking at all of our flowers and noting which ones have gone through massive growth spurts. Flowers are weird and fun. 

I’m excited to start planting shit earlier next year! We got a late start this season.

Well, that was my weekend. Boring house project things and baked goods. 

No comments

Yikes, I guess I better finish this wrap-up before it’s September!

9. The Grip of It – Jac Jemc

This is a horror novel about a married couple who buy a house for dirt cheap in some small town and shit starts happening to both of them, an old neighbor stares at them from his window, etc etc. The chapters alternate between the perspective of the husband and wife, and I really liked that, but…I also didn’t really care too much about them and therefore I didn’t really care about what happened? I think I gave this a 3 on Goodreads, and I remember (because a month was so fucking long ago) that I was really feeling the ambiance of this one in the beginning but then it just kind of lost steam for me. I wanted too much, I guess.

10. Big Summer – Jennifer Weiner 

My second Jennifer Weiner book, and wow was this one a lot different than “Mrs. Everything”! This was pretty unexpected because I went into it purposely not knowing too much and I honestly thought it was just going to be a fluffy beach read about a girl who reunites with an emotionally abusive ex-BFF just in time to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. It is SO MUCH MORE. I really adored the main character, her parents, the REAL best friend. This was just…another winner from Weiner, I guess you could say? Great summer read!

11. The Memory Police – Yoko Ogawa

This one gutted me. There is nothing feel-good or happy about this book at all, it’s pretty bleak. The memories of certain things are gradually taken away from the inhabitants of this small town, for example: One day, they wake up and it’s like “the fuck is that?” and it’s a bird, but then all of the birds have to leave the town and the Memory Police go house to house to make sure everyone has removed all traces of birds, be it a painting or a book about birds.

But there are some people who keep remembering, and the Memory Police are always on the hunt for those special individuals, so some people will hide them in their houses.

That’s the gist of this book. It’s incredibly well-written, I fell in love with every character, I cried. This book is incredible but I don’t recommend it if you’re looking for something to lift you out of a depression.

Also, can we talk about how stunning that cover design is???

12. Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead – Olga Tokarczuk

OK, OK, OK, listen. I was very on the fence with this book the whole time I was reading it. I kept losing interest and I think it’s because the main character was SUPER INTO astrology and I AM SUPER NOT so it would get way too detailed for me and I would be yawning into my palms. But then the book ended and I legitimately couldn’t stop thinking about it, for a good solid week I would say.

First of all, there is a great cast of characters here, and the main character herself, with all of her asides, observations, and palpable disdain for the local police (I feel ya, girl!), was SO LOVABLE and incredibly memorable.

Second of all, this is a quirky murder mystery that touched upon animal rights and vegetarianism, and ya’ll know I’m over here like “YES, TEAM ANIMAL!!”

I could see this being turned into a movie, with the Coen Brothers at the helm.

13. If I Had Your Face – Frances Cha

I was on the waitlist for this Korean book for weeks upon weeks and I was getting so impatient, especially when a co-worker emailed me and said she was reading it and she thought I would like it and guess what? I FUCKING LOVED IT.

I mean, once I finally got it.

This book is about how much of an emphasis is placed on beauty in Korea. You know how much I love South Korea, but it’s 100% true and I can’t even white knight their society on that. I mean, as soon as you get off the subway in Gangnam, there are giant ads for plastic surgeons all over the place and people legit take “medical vacations” to Korea just to get some kind of cosmetic surgery done. Girls start getting eyelid surgery when they’re still in high school!

Anyway, this book follows a group of 4 girls in Seoul and shows how each of them struggle in different ways because of the ridiculous beauty standard. Each chapter switches over to a different girl and I really liked that, but only because each character was so interesting. Sometimes when a book does this, there always seems to be that one weak character whose chapters are a fucking drag to read.

I highly recommend this. I don’t think you need to be super into Korean culture or anything as prerequisite and just a heads up: anytime the book mentions a kpop star or actor, they’re fictional.

14. The Family Upstairs – Lisa Jewell 

OK, Lisa Jewell. I see you. I love a good thriller and this one had me hooked pretty early on. At first I wasn’t sure I was going to like her writing style (it’s very much like “Karen sits down. Karen picks up the glass. Karen takes a drink.”) but it ended up not being as distracting as I thought it was going to be. This is another one where the chapters switch off and it also does a timeline jump too – I admittedly was way more invested in the “past” stuff that was happening.

Plus, there’s some cult shit going on in this story and I am all about cults, so my interest was piqued.

I’m definitely interested in checking out more of Jewell’s books, because I am so picky with thrillers and this gave me hope that maybe I actually haven’t grown out of the genre.

15. The Wicker King – K. Ancrum

MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT. I picked this up because a booktuber raved about it and the pages themselves are so pretty with a little bit of multi-media action thrown in. It’s a (sort of love) story between two high school boys who have been friends since they were kids when one of them saved the other and they stayed friends even though they’re in two totally different social circles, but one of them has some sort of hallucinations about a wicker king and sees an entirely separate and fantastic universe layered on top of the reality and drags the other one down with him into a dangerous spiral.

I liked the concept of this book and it was certainly a quick read since so many pages were taken up with sketches and maps. But the whole thing left me feeling very empty. I didn’t really care about either of the boys. I dunno. Don’t recommend.

16. Like a Love Story – Abdi Nazemian 

Can I recap this book without crying? I don’t think I can. I really thought this was going to be some lighthearted YA romp but nope nope nope. This book follows three teens, one of whom is an Iranian immigrant and very much in the closet; one is extremely out and a huge AIDS activist; and one is the straight girl friend with a gay uncle who has AIDS and honestly he was my favorite part of this whole book.

It’s set in NYC in the late 80s, at the height of the AIDS epidemic, and honestly it shocked me how little I actually know about this. I think I have already touched on this in another post, but I was in elementary school when all this was going on and for sure didn’t know that protests were happening because of the pharmaceutical companies inflating the cost of the medicine that HIV and AIDS patients needed.

So the book focuses a lot on this, and how the Iranian character (Reza) is terrified of even riding the subway with a hangnail because what if he gets AIDS. I mean, it was heartbreaking.

Madonna also plays a big part in the book. Another thing I never knew back then is what a powerful beacon of hope she was for the gay community and how she had all gay dancers on her Vogue tour. I haven’t given a shit about anything Madonna has done since like the mid-90s but this book had me powering through all her old videos from the 80s and missing my childhood hardcore. It also made me feel like I would have been a big-mouth AIDS activist if I had been older in the 80s.

The day after my birthday, I went for a walk around my neighborhood and listened to the tail-end of this on Scribd. Yo–I was crying so hard that I had to duck into an alley to hide my open weeps. Goddammit for a YA book, this one got me hard. I wish that it had been out when I was a teenager. I think all teens should read this.

I’ll end this book recap of a picture of me from….1st grade? when I was Madonna for Halloween. Man, I didn’t appreciate that blazer nearly as much as I should have, that’s for sure. And you can’t really tell from the picture, but that’s def a giant crucifix on my chain. Also, fun fact: I HATED Jellies. All of my friends had Jellies in like every color but I hated how they felt on my feet, ugh.

I was obsessed with Desperately Seeking Susan. OK, I’m signing off now before I really row my canoe over Memory Falls.

No comments

Chooch and I went on our routine late-night walk last night, after a big storm passed by. It made Brookline look even creepier so we decided to make it a photo-walk. Here are some filterless pictures.

My favorite part of the walk was when Chooch shone his flashlight into the window of a house and then ran, leaving me frozen on the sidewalk so if anyone looked out, HERE I AM! I DID IT!

I mean, Brookline alleys are probably safe at 11pm on a Saturday?

I didn’t realize that the firemen were “loafing” outside of the fire station, totally watching Chooch and I being iPhone creeps. They’re used to us though.

Oh shit! I forgot to tell you. A few weeks ago, Henry and I were strolling along the boulevard and as we walked past this Sacred place which I still don’t exactly understand but I love their window, I happened to glance in the front door and saw some woman laying on the ground, looking dead. I freaked out and called Henry over. “SHOULD WE CALL 911???!!!” I screamed. But Henry looked in and said, “The whole room [which is small!!] is full of women laying down. I think  they’re  meditating or something.” He seemed unconcerned about this but I was like WHAT IF IT’S A SUICIDE CIRCLE!?

“I don’t think that’s what it is. I think they’re OK.”

But I really wanted to knock on the door, even if it meant disrupting their chi, or whatever. In any case, we continued on with our walk and on the way back, everyone inside was now standing, so I guess I was just being paranoid as usual—UNLESS THEIR BODIES WERE BEING CONTROLLED BY THE ANCIENT MAYAN WARLOCKS THEY CONJURED.

Back when I dated Psycho Mike, his mom was SUPER into angels. I don’t just mean she had like, porcelain angel shit around the house. I mean, she did, but also she believed that angels actually existed and she would attend these angel events where other angel stans would congregate in a circle and like, try to make the earth move or some bullshit? I dunno, she was super into it and also super not into me so maybe I really do have a devil on my shoulder.

This is where Parker’s used to be. :( I’m still pretty broken up at their decision to close, but now that we know that Oak Hill Post is going in this spot, we’ve been stalking them by peering in the window to see what additional items have been added to the menu (they have a pretty gourmet-sounding veggie burger that the mere thought of is making Chooch and I pool our collective saliva into an imaginary spittoon) and of course some Korean-fusion chicken thing because Americans gotta ride that wave into Overkillville.

Pictured, you can see Chooch shining his fucking flashlight into the window like we are the world’s most transparent burglars.

Today is a new day, bright and sunny. Please excuse me while I resume bossing Henry around.

No comments

It’d be a true feat if I can even come up with five things today because this past week has been a snooze and a half so let’s not even front and just make this a free-form, who-gives-a-fuck type o’ update (as if there’s any other type ’round here!).

First of all, I finished (mostly) my front door revamp. And my “mostly,” I mean that I have a trio of plastic tigers en route which I want to place on each tiny window ledge, and I also want to get two or three strands of fake jungle-like foliage to hang down.

I can’t remember if this was in my last update, but I added sheets of colored plastic to each window too and it looks really cool from the outside at night so I’m pleased.

I’m feeling super smug about this door only because unlike Henry*, when I start a project, I finish it. Chooch and I were coming home from a walk the other night and he said, “What if we walked in the house, and dad had everything finished?”

“Yeah, maybe if he was on a cocaine bender,” I scoffed.

“Ohhh…we should get him to start doing cocaine!” Chooch said giddily, rubbing his hands together.

*(See: Seoul Subway sign, coffee table redo, OH YEAH THE KITCHEN.)

Yeah, I know, the trim needs repainted big-time, but I leave the boring parts for Henry.

I’m telling you, I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m bored but I have so much energy but then my back is busted so I can’t exercise so instead it’s like “give me something to paint/desecrate/destroy.” By the time this pandemic is over, my house is gonna look like a fur coat after a PETA protest.

In kitchen news, my custom neon sign arrived! I have always wanted my own neon sign, something that I designed myself, and this was the perfect opportunity because it’s not an 80s kitchen without a neon sign!

It means “I’ll eat well” – something that you would say right before a meal, kind of like, “thanks for the food.”

Drew approves!

Henry actually has the cabinet/sink area almost done. He repainted everything and is in the process of putting the cabinets back up. The drawers are ready, at least! But man, this is taking forever. That side of the kitchen is still trash right now. I mean, we still have a drop cloth on the floor on that side. Sigh.

Here’s my precious Penelope! She’s still really enjoying being an Instacat. Blake’s cat hasn’t posted in a week so some of the edge has been taken off of the competition. Haha.

Oh! The other night, I was the 666th follower of one of our fave vegan joint’s extra-curricular pop-up, Chick Habit, and it was kind of cool because the main restaurant is called Onion Maiden and their whole theme is like, black metal and Satan (ooh, Satanic panic was big in the 80s, I should put some devil worshiping shit in my kitchen too) so it was apropos that I would be the 666th follower, but then CHOOCH wanted to be the 666th follower so he made me unfollow them so that he could screen record himself being the 666th follower and I actually gave in and complied. This is a seldom talked about sacrifice of parenting.

It was nice being the 666th follower for that brief amount of time, though.

I watched bits and pieces of the DNC this past week and man, it blows my mind that there are still AmeriKKKans who are going to vote against humanity.

I’m currently reading three books at once and it’s pretty stressful, but I wanted to read all of them so much and couldn’t choose just one!

Speaking of books, my local branch of the library opened for in-person book pick-up and limited computer use, but when Chooch and I went there on Thursday, it was like, “HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT. WHY ARE YOU HERE.” And we were so confused. I said that I thought the library was open again and the guard was like, “OK, I’m going to have you go up there and talk to the librarian” so I approached the librarian sitting at a desk behind a sneeze-shield and she was like “HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT. WHY ARE YOU HERE.” I said I needed to pick up some books I had on hold, and she was like, “FOLLOW THE SOCIAL DISTANCING CIRCLES TO THE CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK” so I did that and the librarian behind the desk was like, “HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT. WHY ARE YOU HERE.” So I told her I had books on hold and she was like panicked about this but managed to scan my library card on my phone without hyperventilating too much and then she gave me my books and was like, “YOU CAN FOLLOW THE ARROWS OUT” but on the way out, someone was coming in and we were at a socially-distanced standstill, like WHO GETS TO GO FIRST but the security guard waved us through so we burst through the doors and ran away. It was so tense. I have never felt more unwelcome somewhere (untrue, I feel unwelcome in varying degrees basically on a weekly basis) in my life. I mean, it’s not like they were still closed to the public and we forced our way in, Funny Games-style. We were wearing masks! And the proper way too, not the Karen way.

Anyway, next time I have books available for pick-up, I will just go back to the curbside option because that was entirely too stressful. Here’s my current (physical) TBR:

Two of those books are from local Little Libraries. I still want to make my own Little Library, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I don’t think the location of my house is very conducive to a successful Little Library.

Oh you want a Chooch update? Here’s one. He was sitting at the computer with an iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts in front of him, watching stupid videos on YouTube and one of them had a jump scare in it, which made him throw his head forward for some reason and he crashed into the straw of his drink with his nose hard enough that he needed to put a bandaid on it and now he has this stupid mark on the tip of his nose that looks like dirt, or rust, and I can’t even look at him. Oh, and school starts on the 31st! The first 9 weeks (at least) will be done entirely online so we have to go to the school next week and get the school-supplied laptop, so at least he will briefly get to go inside his new high school.

Man, this situation is depressing. I feel fortunate that my kid is at least at an age where I won’t have to micro-manage him or play teacher’s assistant everyday. But I know he’s pretty bummed and stressed about not being able to meet his new teachers and classmates in person, and he’s afraid that it will be hard to make new friends but I was like, “Dude, you make friends online constantly. Just pretend it’s Discord.” For once, he gave me credit for having a good idea.

This past week was pretty &^(*^*^$^&%&*(*&) at work – nothing like majorly bad or anything, but just stressful things here and there, today especially, so when 5:30 rolled up and I logged off UNTIL AUGUST 31ST, I was like “BYE BITCHES.” Doesn’t it always seem like work is the worst right before you’re “on vacation”? I mean granted, I’m not going anywhere, but it will be nice to have a full week to just, I dunno, exist somewhere away from a computer screen. Henry is going to try to take a day off next week so we can maybe go somewhere local-ish and wilderness-y, a road trip lite. I suggested Erie since it’s still in Pennsylvania and his work only requires him to quarantine for 2 weeks if we go out of state, but he gave me a WHY WOULD WE GO TO ERIE look and I was like I DUNNO BC WE CAN’T GO TO KOREA?! OR EVEN CLEVELAND, FOR THAT MATTER!? God, everything sucks. Just take me somewhere. I will wear my mask and stay the fuck away from people, but please, let’s just go somewhere.

Hey, maybe this actually was 5 things?! I can’t count today. Please don’t make me count.

No comments

I was texting with my pal Laura about how bored and sad we are in our covid bubbles, and it made me start thinking of all the fun we had when she was still living in Pittsburgh. Yes, she’s one of the many who escaped! Good for her! This place is….just ok.

Waaaaay back in 2011, I had this brilliant idea that we should go to two amusement parks in one day. Granted, the parks I had in mind are super piddly and can barely even be considered full-fledged amusement parks, but it still seemed like a super fun to say CIAO FOR NOW to summer of 2011.

I remember having a huge row with Henry over this (lol, not really: it was basically like this: he said no, I screamed, he said fine) because we had just come back from a week in Gatlinburg, Tennessee and this was back when I was still working part time and money was tight yo, and not as in “cool” but as in “barely there.”

But in the end, I won and Janna and Laura came along for the ride. It ended up being a really fucking fun day even though the parks are lame (I typed lamesauce and then yelled, “EW WHO AM I” and deleted).

Anyway, please enjoy these old photos of Chooch sans-front teeth while I go back to painting 740187408734087315 tigers on my front door. #CovidArtProject

****

First Stop: DelGrosso’s

All you really need to know about DelGrosso’s is that I got really fucking sick. I had just rode back-to-back spinny rides with Chooch, Laura and Janna (one of which was the Tilt-a-Whirl, and Chooch and I kept laughing because Janna rode alone; I am raising my child right, in case you haven’t noticed) before agreeing immediately to ride this thing called the Casino with Chooch.

Laura and Janna opted out.

First, Chooch and I had to stand next to an unoccupied seat, waiting for the girl running the ride to help us unlatch it while everyone who was already situated stared at us like they couldn’t believe it was our first time at an amusement park. The girl kept getting distracted, or she was just pointedly ignoring us, who knows; but I should have taken it as a sign and walked away.

Instead, we stood there like idiots until the door was unlatched for us (there were like, three whole steps to unlock it; no way would I have ever cracked that code) and then within one and half revolutions, I felt my equilibrium throat-fucking me.

Really, it wasn’t so bad: just some slight undulating motions as the roulette wheel spun us around, but then, joy of joys, it went BACKWARDS.

And that is where my first trimester of pregnancy came back to haunt me. I instinctively reached into my pocket for a peppermint disc, but I didn’t have any on account that I am not actually pregnant anymore.

Oh, look at Little Miss Thrill Ride Queen, nearly barfing all over the occupants of the Casino.

One more revolution, and it would have been that puking scene in Problem Child all up in DelGrosso’s.

After the ride ended and we waited to be released from our maximum security cell, Chooch skipped off into the horizon while I staggered slowly after him, finally nailing the zombie gait that I so pathetically pantomimed during my zombie self-defense class last spring.

Without a word to Janna, Laura and Henry, I slowly took a supine position on a bench.

“Maybe the train will be a nice break for you,” Laura suggested, so we all got in line for the most lamest amusement park train ride of all time. We didn’t make it on right away and had to stay in line for one more go-around. I considered sliding down the wall into a heap of sweat, stomach acid and minced stomach lining instead of standing with everyone else.

I was that nauseated that even standing was giving me the spins.

However, I was not too nauseated to laugh evilly when an older woman got out of her seat before the train started to take a picture of her family, only to lose her balance and fall back into the seat, sprawling across her embarrassed husband’s lap and absolutely cracking the fuck out of her shin.

It was a pure delight to witness. I guess it wasn’t all that exciting though because Laura and Janna admitted afterward that they must have missed it. It gave me tears, that’s how much I enjoyed myself.

The train ride did not help my churning stomach. I clutched the front of the seat with whitened knuckles, wishing the sunshine would un-blanch my complexion instead of coaxing the bile up my throat.

Afterward, I waved the white flag and collapsed on a bench. I urged Henry to take Chooch to kiddieland and encouraged Janna and Laura to ride the Crazy Mouse again without me.

“Don’t worry about me,” I moaned in the stoic tone of a fallen soldier. “I’ll be fine.” And then I wept behind the privacy of my sunglasses.

Everyone rejoined me after about 15 minutes and I decided that I needed to try and eat, so we all trooped back over to the food area, where Chooch and I sat alone on a bench, me with my head between my knees.

“Let’s go on the Wacky Worm again,” Chooch cheered.

I started to say, but then on second thought, I said, “Yeah, OK. Let’s do it.” And damn if that fucking ride didn’t make me feel better.

“Where were you?” Henry said when we found him holding a plate of pizza.

“On the Wacky Worm!” I shouted happily.

“But you’re sick…” he started.

“NOT ANYMORE, MOTHERFUCKER!”

Laura and Henry both wore black shirts because they’re in a pigment race gang.

We rode the Wacky Worm one more time before we left, while Henry stood sullenly off to the side and stared with disapproval.

“So, what did you think of the Wacky Worm?” I interrogated Laura on the way back to the car.

“It’s a…ride,” she answered uncertainly.

I’ll say! THE BEST RIDE EVER!

NOW LET’S GO TO LAKEMONT OMG 

The thing about Lakemont is that as far as amusement parks go, it’s puny. Nothing about it is really “new,” except this time when we were there, we noticed that one of the rides had been removed so maybe next year there will be an upgrade in its place. And how shocking that would be. Especially if it was anything manufactured post-1980.

But for some reason, I love the hell out of this park! People-watching is prime, the rides they do have are an amalgamation of bizarre and retro, and best of all—it’s cheap. Extremely cheap. We always go on the same weekend in September when Lakemont hosts some sort of Altoona craft bazaar, because it’s only $5 that weekend and there is almost no lines to stand in at all.

NOT EVEN FOR THE WINE SLUSHIES.

One of the bigger draws at Lakemont is a small wooden coaster called Leap the Dips, which also happens to be the oldest running coaster in the WORLD.

THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.

It costs an extra $2.50 to ride it. They didn’t charge extra the last time, but I guess this is their effort to do everything possible to maintain and preserve it for future use. The old man who sold us the tickets was hilarious and teased us mercilessly. He wouldn’t hand over the tickets until I was able to tell him how much it would cost for three. This of course caused sweat-on-the-brain but I was able to answer before Janna and that’s all that matters.

It’s so old that the young farm-handish employee had to actually run and push our car to give it momentum. But not before making fun of my iCarly messenger bag. (He accused it of being Hannah Montana and I felt the vinyl flap featuring Carly and Sam’s mug heat up as it rejected his insinuation. )

Janna and Laura quickly learned the meaning behind “Leap the Dips” as they were nearly catapulted out of their seats when we went over the first dip and our car became airborne.

It’s one fucking rough ride. Henry won’t ride it due to the fact that it agitates his hemorrhoids.

Proof. 

Lakemont’s Wacky Worm is definitely the Toboggan (I finally learned how to spell it! Gold stars all around!). This was Chooch’s first time riding it and he took to it immediately. We must have been ejected from that vertical tube 20 times that evening. Such a stupid yet fun ride.

If we’re being honest, it was the guys running the thing that kept me coming back for me. They were hilarious and cute and coveted  my iCarly messenger bag. The thing with the Toboggan is that there is a lot of sitting around in the cars, waiting for your turn to be carried up through the tube and then waiting for all of the other cars to come back before being unlatched and set free. But these two guys would walk back and forth, antagoning us, showing us stupid magic tricks and just being all-around completely entertaining.

It made me remember why I enjoy Lakemont so much — the kids working there actually give a shit about their jobs and have fun doing it! What a novel concept!

OK good, I did spell it right.

Isn’t it majestic?

Someone watches too much 16 & Pregnant. (EDIT FROM ERIN IN 2020: wow, I think I might have been a lot meaner in 2011 :/ )

Moments later, I almost lost an arm and leg when Chooch stamped down on the gas pedal before I was all the way inside the car. It was a pretty great scene for all the people standing in line.

This was the first time I was actually proud of my kid. Not for nearly spontaneously amputating me (though I would finally have weighed less!), but as far as riding things at amusement parks go. Of course I’m already proud of his sarcastic, biting words; knowledge of horror movies; and independence in the kitchen. He rode the shit out of everything he was tall enough to ride and I felt like we were really in sync with each other that day as we frolicked from ride to ride; even Henry rode his fair share AND EVEN SMILED AT TIMES.

Considering we had spent the morning screaming at each other over money, the day ended up being pretty spectacular and Henry even held my hand at one point (!!!) and said he was glad he came along after all. See that? My brilliant day trip ideas SAVE RELATIONSHIPS.

Can’t wait to do this again next September! WHO’S IN?

***

On the drive home, Janna admitted to not being able to see, provoking Laura and me to nervously suggest in tandem for her to pull the fuck over. Since I was now driving, I told Janna it was her turn to entertain us, and after whining for awhile about not having any stories, she launched into this shoddily-detailed narrative about going to a party when she lived in DC but then ended up getting a chili dog instead and then parking in a loading dock by her apartment and eating it in the car. I kept waiting for the climax, at the very least a car-jacking, but nothing ever happened other than her eating a chili dog while illegally parked.

Kids, don’t blow off parties for chili dogs or you too will grow up to not have any stories to tell.

[Read Henry’s harrowing account of the day here.]

No comments

Today is my FAVORITE KPOP IDOL’S birthday! Happy birthday G-Dragon! I will just be over here crying into these celebratory cupcakes from the Priory, hoping for a BIGBANG comeback sometime in the next decade.

Sigh.

Also never forget when Henry happily posed for this picture in the cafe of G-Dragon’s pension last summer!

No comments

J/k. It was pretty basic.

Henry made me put our card shops on vacation mode so that he could actually focus on getting shit done over the weekend without having to stop and make serial killer notecards or whatever the fuck, so that was helpful but the kitchen still isn’t done, so not all THAT HELPFUL, I guess.

We took a break Saturday afternoon to go to Bae Bae’s Cafe downtown and pick up the bingsu we ordered. This was notable for TWO REASONS and here they are:

• bingsu is one of my favorite Korean treats and we have not had this since we were in Korea over a year ago. In America, you might see this being touted as “shaved ice” but it is ANYTHING BUT THAT. If it’s made right, the “ice” is actually made from milk and shaved so finely that it’s soft like snow. And then it’s crowned with tteok (Korean rice cake), ice cream, condensed milk, fruit, chocolate, Oreos, etc etc etc – so many different kinds of bingsu! My favorite is the traditional patbingsu (pat = sweet red beans) and injeolmi, which is like a sweet soy powder, I think? I could google and give you TRUFAX like a real life blogger but we all know I’m a fucking hack. Anyway, I’ve never had the real thing in Pittsburgh (Toronto has lots of options but they also have a legit Korea Town, so) and I was geeked, if you want to get all 1990s lame lingo with it.
• This was the first time I’ve been downtown since The Pandemic, and it was bizarre to say the least. It was just weird to see how the restaurants have been taking over the roads in order to move tables outside in compliance with social distancing. I don’t know, outside seating or not, I’m still not trying to dine at a restaurant. I mean, we’re not big eater-outers anyway, but we have been trying to do takeout more often just to help out some of our faves. Anyway, so while that was strange, it was also kind of scary to see JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE OUT AND ABOUT. Chooch and I sat in the car while Henry ran in to Bae Bae’s to get our bingsu, and we saw so many people sidewalk-strolling like it was just another Saturday. It made me so uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable as when a group of churchies came around the corner praying, and then proceeded to stop RIGHT NEXT TO OUR CAR with their asses in our faces while they projected their religious spells onto Planned Parenthood. There was a priest who stepped off the sidewalk and got so close to our car that his gown-covered ass was pressed up against my car door! Chooch and I had to put our windows up; me, because I didn’t want to catch Covid since only half of them were wearing masks, and Chooch because he was afraid one of them was going to pluck him out of the car and brainwash him (wouldn’t take much) into joining their cult. Henry was so happy that this happened to us.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

Anyway! The bingsu! We took it to one of the nearby cemeteries so we could eat in peace (look, I don’t care if you think covid “isn’t that bad” – I’m super terrified of it and just want the world to get back to “normal” so I try to stay at home as much as possible and when I go out, I always wear a mask and even recently had a dream/nightmare where people were throwing me a birthday party (lol, who would though?!) and I was panicked because of social distancing and they were like “don’t fret my pet, we got a table outside” and it was true, we had this big ass table outside what I guess was a restaurant but seemed more like a video arcade but then suddenly we were inside my Pappap’s house (lol of course) and I was like THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE and someone named Tall Mary was there and I had only met her once, apparently, but she was friends with someone I sort of knew and acted like it was fine to come to the birthday party of a near stranger during a pandemic and she was wearing this weird Laura Ashley-esque dress and she was so serious-looking, I hated it and all I wanted to do was make a dramatic exit of my own party, which would have been very reality-based, and if you know me perhaps you got to witness one of those dramatic exits at some point).

What was I talking about? Oh shit. Bingsu. Yeah, I’ll give it to Bae Bae’s – this tasted almost as I remember it to taste in Korea. I think if I hadn’t had real bingsu before, I would have been doing front flips over tombstones but because I’m a bingsu snob, I will give it a 7 out of 10. I wish that mine had actual tteok in it and not mochi. But I’m glad that they had a matcha option and not just a basic fruit one because gotta coddle those white people palates! Their menu has a red bean option but it says it’s been sold out since they started offering bingsu so I’m not sure what’s up with that because I can’t imagine that red bean would be a highly sought after flavor from a Pittsburgh crowd!

Chooch got strawberry. His was fantastic as well. Henry opted instead to get an assortment of cookies, assuming that we were going to share our bingsu with him, but you know what they say about someone who assumes: YOU’RE AN ASS WHO GETS NO BINGSU, ORDER YOUR OWN NEXT TIME.

In Korea, you can get super cute bingsu like this one from the Thanks Nature sheep cafe:

Writing from a Bus: A Sunday in Korea

Meanwhile, I was reading Sodom Road Exit all week and it was a true fucking delight but I had to take a picture of this one page and send it to Chooch because I had just referenced David Copperfield on Thursday and who even thinks about David Copperfield anymore? Anyway, this was the same book that also referenced Three Men and a Baby so basically I think that this book fell into my lap at just the right time and by fell into my lap I mean that it was handed to me in a paper bag over top of a social distancing table by the security guard at the library.

I think I’m really into Canadian authors! I’ve had great success with them this year.

On Sunday, I did a thing: I WENT TO LOWE’S BY MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME. Wait, let me back up. Henry and I were supposed to go to the flea market but I was tired and cranky and basically just in the mood to start a fight. So I did. Then I was like I WILL GO TO THE FLEA MARKET BY MYSELF GIVE ME MONEY and Henry did that thing that he does where he acts like I’m so predictable and he knows I’m not really going to go but GUESS WHAT I DID only I had already made up my mind that the flea market likely wasn’t going to happen and I was correct – it was jam-fucking-packed and it looked like a covid convention, so I said fuck that and went to Lowe’s instead because I wanted to get paint for the front door and SO THAT IT IS WHAT I DID and I even had to stand outside in a small line because it wasn’t open yet, and normally what would happen is that I would throw my hands up in the air and yell ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME because my life is so important and who does Lowe’s think he is by making me wait and I probably stormed off back to my car in a huff and peeled out of the parking lot with my radio blaring.

But no, not on this day, because I really wanted to paint my front door.

Anyway, I was so excited and also very scared, standing inside Lowe’s all by myself, but at least I’ve been there enough times with other people to know how to ask for paint and I was overly nice to the paint mixer who very clearly was not a morning person and just kept saying, “mmm” every time I would try to say something like cute.

And then Better Than Ezra came on the soundsystem and I gotta tell you, it felt like a coming of age moment for me, you know? Like I’m a real ass adult now.

Then I came home and MADE MY OWN BREAKFAST because Henry didn’t make it right on Saturday (oh don’t worry, there was much pouting about that but I didn’t feel like including it in this wrap-up) and later I decided he was allowed to be seen with me so we went to Michael’s to get craft support bullshit and I wrote “Michael’s sucks. Pat Catan’s 4lyfe” because in case you don’t know, Pat Catan’s was our crafting bitch and then stupid corporate Michael’s swooped in and usurped them and now it sucks. Henry was 너무 너무 너무disappointed in me. But when isnt he.

Later that afternoon, I started an audio book while painting the door!

This book is not great!

But the door is!

I had to take the picture from the side because the light coming in from the windows effs with the exposure and I’m not a real enough photographer to care about fixing that, haha.

I painted the inside rim (?) of the windows gold and then really laid the gold glitter on thick, lol. It’s not finished yet – I have some hand painting to do and toys to buy!

Look man, there’s nothing else to do right now. Let me have my fucking pink circus door.

Meanwhile, Henry was still chained up in the kitchen. I will say, he’s made progress. You have no idea how badly the cabinet-area needed cleaned out and painted! But…the cabinets and drawers still aren’t back in place so we’ve just got a bunch of gaping holes.

He apparently took it upon himself to reorganize the silverware drawer and we nearly broke up because he had the audacity to ask me a really fucking stupid question.

“What’s the order you like? It’s forks, knives, spoons right?”

NO! KNIVES FORKS SPOONS! WE KEEP THE KNIVES AWAY FROM THE SPOONS. THE KNIVES ARE LIKE LARRY FUCKING WELCH COMING IN & STEALING HOPE FROM BO, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL U. FORKS&SPOONS 4EVA.

SRSLY HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW.

I heard Chooch later on saying, “What, why is this the order?” And Henry was like GO ASK YR MOTHER. So Chooch came over and was like why and I was like <see explanation above> and he was like “are you fucking serious that’s your reasoning?” Like what did he expect me to say I read it in Good Housekeeping or some shit LOLOL.

Oh I forgot to mention that Henry and Chooch were supposed to be some dumb color food challenge where they could only food of one color for the entire day. Henry picked red and Chooch picked purple. Neither of them did very well. After dinner chooch walked past me eating a banana.

Before I could say “that’s not purple,” he cried, “I don’t care anymore! I’m hungry, ok?!” So then Henry was like OH THANK GOD and ate a handful of Capn Crunch. It’s um, always a party over here.

I don’t think anything else very noteworthy happened so I will leave you with this picture I took when Chooch and I went out for our nightly walk – you can see TRUDY looming through the window and I love it. TRUDY never gets old!

1 comment

Or…Saturday Songs, I guess would sound less like a moron wrote today’s title.

Anyway, I have been trying to hold back from slamming out CAPSLOCK screams up on this piece about SuperM’s recent comeback, but I am totally in the throes of kpop passion once again. Admittedly, I have been feeling pretty ambivalent lately with everything but SuperM is helping to put me back in touch with my inner teenager.

I stayed up until midnight the other night for the new video to drop on YouTube (does MTV even still do MV premieres anymore?) which, you know, isn’t all that late but for some reason, I was really struggling and listening to Chooch scream while playing Fortnite was making my heart race.

Of course, it was worth it! I never knew I needed to see Taemin wearing…what even is that—a rich Dallas person’s cowboy hat?—until now.

This song makes me feel like I could run fo r100 miles, ISTFG. I preordered the new album and it has DANGEROUS WOMAN ON IT!!!!!!

Full disclosure, I just rewatched that Dangerous Woman video and I am sitting here quietly weeping all up in my feels. I have so many emotions right now: I am so thankful I got to see SuperM in real life before coronavirus happened, I miss being all excited at work when new things are announced in the Kpop world, I wish I was in Seoul right now. I’m a little depressed, weepy bomb ready to explode, you guys, take cover.

I also just saw somewhere that SuperM might get a Grammy nomination for Best New Artist and I need for this to happen and for them to win.

Another Kpop song that has me feeling like my old self again is “Boy” by the new YG boy group, Treasure:

Please tell me you listened to this and felt ready to take on the day, OMG. This song makes me want to repeatedly punch Henry (um, lovingly, though). That dance break! That room with the black furry couch and the smiley face balls! I never knew I needed a room like that in my house! (Sorry Henry!)

Oh! Taemin did an Instalive the other morning and in it, he said that SM has been preparing for a SHINee comeback!!!!! Plus, Taemin’s album hasn’t even been released yet.

Still so much to look forward to in this shitty fucking year!

No comments

Hi peeps. Doesn’t it seem like, in spite of having nothing to do, these weeks are still somehow zipping by? Is it just me? March and April seemed to move in slo-mo, but everything after that has been a whirlwind. Which is strange considering every day is pretty much the same.

Anyway! Here we are, in the midst of another Friday already and lucky you, my keyboard is ready to let loose with a huge bowel movement of crap-words up in here, with the assistance of my fingertips.

That…

…was gross. Sorry.

1. Kitchen Update

Nothing major has happened in the kitchen lately so I didn’t really have enough to fill an entire post. But! All of the cabinets have been painted – Henry is just “too tired” during the week to actually hang them, so we still have no cabinets. And he hasn’t started on the drawers yet, so that entire side of the kitchen may not be able to have the “big reveal” it so deserves until autumn at this point. Really excited with how slowly everything is happening!

Anyway, I made the cabinet pulls for the cabinets on that side of the kitchen. I thought it would be fun to do Corey Cabinet theme, and even added in Mr. Corey Hart in a game time decision.

I mean, you can’t get much more 80s than that!

It’s too bad my brother Corey was born in 1990, or I could have included him too. :(

Anyway, we just bought basic wooden knob-things online and matching cabochons, which Henry is kind of an expert on since he’s dabbled in pendant-making so many times over the years, lol sorry Henry. Then I made the Corey heads on 80’s geometric backgrounds, and voila. That’s how you make a Corey cabinet pull when the stores don’t sell them and you have to make them yourself. Ugh.

Then, I was like, “You know what this kitchen is missing?” Henry got real pale and whimpered, “What?”

“A framed picture of Nelson Sullivan and Michael Musto,” I answered, and he was like, “Oh, whew. OK, I’ll do that now.” I dunno why he was so scared there for a second…

And obviously Keith Haring too. <3 I have a framed Keith Haring print that I bought in Switzerland when I was a teenager and it was a really big deal because my aunt Sharon let me go off on my own to buy it and I thought I was so fucking cool, this American teenager walking around and shopping in Lucerne all on her own. I was obsessed with Keith Haring in the 90s and sure I probably could have bought this print somewhere in the States, but now it has so much meaning to it, you know? Anyway, obviously that picture is still with me but it lives in Chooch’s room and unlike the Tom Selleck head, he wouldn’t part with it so I found this Haring print online which I liked very much and it matches the kitchen better anyway, so there, Chooch. You’re not taking that other one to college with you I HOPE YOU KNOW.

2. Speaking of Tom Selleck…

Two weeks ago, I posted a picture of the Tom Selleck head on Instagram and someone commented with three men emojis and one baby emoji and I was like, “OK cool” and then hours later in hit me, Three Men and a Baby, oh for shit’s sake, I am so daft sometimes!

But yeah, that made me laugh because I haven’t thought that movie in quite a while even though Short Circuit keeps popping into my brain lately and both movies have Steve Guttenberg in it and then I start thinking about how much I loved Steve Guttenberg back then, like LOVED-LOVED him and and…OK sorry, where was I.

Three Men and a Baby. Right.

So then the other day, I saw on Twitter or somewhere, who knows, that they’re rebooting Three Men and a Baby with Zac Efron and I was like, “Why can’t they just leave old movies alone!? Does no one have any original ideas anymore?!” I mean, truly, if they’re not remaking movies from the 80s, they’re remaking films from other countries and pretending like it’s something brand new. HOW MANY JUON RIP-OFFS DO WE NEED?!

I thought that was kind of creepy timing, but THEN!!!! In (one of) the book(s) I’m reading, I saw this!!!!

Three times in as many weeks?! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! Is someone going to dump a baby on our porch thinking we’re three men living here?! I don’t understand the universe sometimes. I REALLY DON’T.

3. WHAT I HAVE BEEN WATCHING ON THE TELLY

Speaking of things I really don’t understand sometimes, Chooch and I recently watched the second season of The Umbrella Academy. Goddamn this season was even better than the first even though all the time travel stuff makes my brain bleed.

Chooch is an avid binge-watcher. It’s what he excels at, truthfully. Me, on the other hand? Not so much. Unless I’m sick. Then I will lie there moaning while repeatedly reminding Netflix that YES I AM STILL WATCHING.

Lately, I haven’t been able to focus on TV. I think that’s why YouTube appeals so much to me – watching short videos is about as much as I can handle these days. But when Umbrella Academy’s second season finally dropped, I was ready.

And by “ready” I mean that two days went by before I finally said, “OK I’m ready to watch the first episode.” Chooch was like, “OMFG IT’S ABOUT TIME” but then when the first episode ended, I turned off Netflix and said, “OK, see you tomorrow for episode 2!” and steam was coming out of his ears by then.

I think I did pretty good though because we watched the whole thing in a week and a half! And actually, we watched the last 4 episodes all on one day (just not back to back) because I was like, “OK THEY’RE REALLY GIVING BEN SHIT TO DO THIS SEASON, I’M INVESTED.”

*clears throat*

Anyway, so yeah, I’m in love with this entire cast (well, Luther is kind of too milquetoast for my liking) and every time I’m like, “That’s my favorite character” the scene changes and I’m like, “No, wait, THAT’s my favorite character.” I mean, how can you choose.

Also throwback to when Gerard Way (of My Chemical Romance and also co-creator of the comic books that Umbrella Academy is based on) gave Chooch a shout out on Twitter for his 8th birthday and all these MCR fans were like, “WHO IS THIS PERSON CALLED @DOUCHECUP??” and then “OMG HE’S LIKE AN 8-YEAR-OLD KID?!?!!?” and Chooch got all these followers and was famous for fifteen minutes but then got locked out of his twitter account for years and lost his followers, lol.

The other show I’ve been watching is the second season of POSE, which I didn’t realize was on Netflix! I watched season 1 last year because the episode started playing by mistake and I fell in love with it. I fucking love found family storylines and man, what I wouldn’t give to have a support system like Blanca fosters in her House.

If you’ve never seen it, it’s about New York City’s Black and Latino LGBTQ and gender-nonconforming ballroom culture scene in the 1980s. It’s by the same people who do American Horror Story which I used to love by then started to hate after the first several seasons because it wasn’t scary and it got way too try-hard, but THIS!! THIS is like redemption. First, a show featuring transgender people played  by actual transgender people? Yes, thank you! Second, the MUSIC? This show has a phenomenal soundtrack. (Then again, so did the American Horror Story: Hotel, AND ALSO UMBRELLA ACADEMY!! Public Image Ltd was featured in the last season!!! I never thought I would hear them on a TV show.) Third, it is fucking educational. Look, as a white girl who was a suburban kid in the 80s, I didn’t know much about AIDS. It didn’t reach me my community of family that I know of. In school, I only remember learning about it because of Ryan White. Because, of course.

Anyway, between this show, and a book I recently read that was set in NYC in the late 80s and focused heavily on ACT UP and AIDS, I just feel like my knowledge on the subject has expanded exponentially. It’s heartbreaking to read about and see how the gay community was attacked by the virus, and how no one fucking cared as long as it didn’t touch their white hetero lives. I don’t think I make it through an entire episode without ugly crying or feeling angry for the injustice their community faced (STILL FACES) but there is also SO MUCH JOY in this show.

And Billy Motherfucking Porter is a goddamn TREASURE.

4. CATSTAGRAM

Running a cat’s “Public Figure” Instagram page is hard fucking work. I spend entirely too much time primping and priming Penelope to give good face, but the problem is that she SLEEPS SO MUCH. She has over 1600 followers but it doesn’t even matter because stupid Ham from next door posts a picture of himself being basic and boring and gets 100s of likes (including a like from Henry!!!)  and Chooch and I just about ready to write off Ham and his dumb owner, blood relation or not!!

My pictures of Penelope are so much better and way more varied that dumb stupid Ham!!!

I have to move on from this topic because I get really pissed off about it.

5. In the “Things Chooch Has Made Recently” Category….

He’s apparently into making chocolate now:

In last week’s Friday Five, I mentioned that he was into making messes in wet cement, and I have new information on that! He and I were walking home today from our lunchtime stroll around good ol’ B-Line, when we passed his friend who lives in the house next to the sidewalk Chooch vandalized.

She smiled and said hi like any other normal person would, while Chooch was acting like he was on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, pupils dilated, hands wringing…the whole paranoid package.

“OK good! She doesn’t seem to know!” Chooch hissed out on top of an exhale after we were a safe distance away. “I guess it’s all blown over,” he added. I didn’t say anything, because whatever, old news, etc etc. But then Chooch, without any prodding, blurted out, “OK FINE I’LL TELL YOU.”

Well, it turns out her dad actually busted Chooch when he went back to their sidewalk to get rid of what he etched in the wet cement and Chooch tried to play it off like wasn’t the one who did it, but rather, a concerned citizen who happened to be walking by and noticed fresh vandalism, at which point he took it upon himself to wipe it out. Because that’s normal, a teenager doing reverse-graffiti.

His friend’s dad barked, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? THIS IS EXPENSIVE!” and Chooch said sorry and walked away.

Hilariously, the city has been doing massive work on our street and have marked off where they’re going to be digging and that particular spot of The Sidewalk is one of the areas, lol.

Anyway, Chooch asked me not to tell Henry so hopefully he doesn’t read this HAHAHA.

*********************

Have a great weekend! Hopefully you find something fun to do. I’ll just be at home nagging Henry to get shit done. I put our Etsy shops on vacation mode so now he won’t be able to use the “I have to make serial killer cards” as an excuse to stop doing manual labor.

Also, I’ve noticed that I have been intermixing the words “done” and “down” a lot lately when typing. So that’s another cool brain-flaw.

No comments

HEY Y’ALL just some words talkin’ ’bout the boring ass shit that my kid and I have been up to while stranded at home these days.

We have really been trying to make the best of this limited-option summer. Our summer breakfast club has been barely limping along, because neither of us really want to eat in restaurants so for like an entire week, we were like, “Donuts?” “OK, sure.” And then we’d just walk to Potomac Bakery, grab a donut, get some coffee across the street at Muddy Cup and bring it back to our front porch.

It is what it is, as…you know, the people say. 

It’s hard to find breakfast options that work as takeout, though. I mean, sunny side up eggs? Definitely not. Pancakes? Ugh, probably will get soggy.

THESE ARE THINGS YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER. 

So we’ve been trying to find places that have breakfast sandwiches. I noticed one day on a walk that another local cafe, 802 Cafe (which is such a fucking original name, it’s literally the street number, but OK) had “SPINACH ARTICHOKE HANDPIES” written on its sidewalk sign.

Hold up, wait a minute, savory handpies and they don’t have meat?! Fuck yes.

So Chooch and I went there on Friday and he was so annoyed because when the barista asked if I wanted them heated or to go, I said to go and he shot me that shitty teenager side eye like the barista was going to do anything different than I would do by nuking it for 90 seconds.

I mean, mine was fantastic but of course Chooch, already setting the tone for this breakfast session, was like, “it was ok but parts of mine were cold” which was his passive aggressive way of throwing it in my face that I told the barista we’d heat them up at home. God, why are kids such assholes. 

But yeah, the handpies were from a local joint called 350 Bakery (ugh, what is up with numerical names?! I hate them!) and I am basically obsessed. Which I know, how odd, since I rarely become obsessed with things. 

Ever since I broke my back [honestly, it’s been like a month now and I probably should go see a doctor but you know me, stubborn and whatever else they say about me behind my (broken) back], I’ve been using my lunch breaks to go for walks instead of doing whatever home workouts I felt inspired to do that day (usually cardio dancing!). Chooch has been going with me which means he’s bored AF at home to be willingly going on strolls with his mother. Literally, I never have to force him, he’s just like, “Let me get my shoes.”

We saw this cool sign on one of our walks last week:

I of course sent it straight to Henry.

We’ve been walking around one of the local high schools lately and I’m so mad that the track is locked to the public because I used to love walking on that thing, especially during the Law Firm walking challenges! I would walk so many laps, I would forget where the fuck I was. Those were the days. Sigh.

Yesterday, right before we left for our walk, I noticed that we were both wearing Dance Gavin Dance shirts so I made up a jazzy jingle about Mommy & Son Matching Shirts Let’s Go For a Walk Cha Cha Cha. Chooch was like, “OH HELL NO” and was about to change his shirt but then he was like, “fuck it” with a sigh, because ambivalence always wins these days.

Then I was like, “Oh, also, I have to return a book to the library” and he was like “FML” because he hates Book Erin so much and even the simple act of me dropping a book into the curbside book return bin makes him irate. Plus, I made him pose for a picture!

We almost had to go to the post office too but I got angry because there were people in line and I just can’t deal with covid-era post offices these days, you guys. No thank you. 

We went back to 802 Cafe though because I wanted an iced coffee to take to the playground, and Chooch was so embarrassed because I told the barista that we bought handpies from there last week and then he spent a good while mimicking me saying, “HOLY CRAP THEY WERE SO FREAKING GOOD” and called me a suck-up and I was like, “Who was I sucking up to? That cafe didn’t even make the handpies!” 

He just gets so mad when I find my voice (I call it the pre-meat company voice, from back when I still had a personality) and talk to strangers in public (as opposed to talking to stranger in private, which sounds way more scandalous and interesting…)

Anyway, I was trying to make nice with the barista because when we were there on Friday, I ordered a rose latte with almond milk and I caught that red bottle cap out of the corner of my eye and looked over just in time to see her tipping over a jug of Vitamin D above my latte.

“WAIT!” I cried out. “Is that almond milk?” 

She stopped suddenly and if this moment had been animated, we’d have all froze while the stream of milk would be swirling in midair, looking at its watch and sighing. “Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!” she said, hurriedly capping the jug and pulling out the carton of almond milk, just in time. Sorry, Vitamin D swirl.  She kept apologizing and I was like, “I mean, I wouldn’t have died or anything…” Truth be told, I think I might be a bit lactose intolerant these days but the real reason why I hardly ever ingest real-ass milk anymore is the calories, lololol. God, I’m such a superficial vegan. 

(I’m not vegan, but when you consider what I eat on most days of my life, I probably live a 75% vegan lifestyle by sheer accident and laziness.)

Anyway, then we made it to the playground and he was happy for the entire 3 minutes he was able to enjoy life on a swing until I was like, “Oh shit, we have to start walking back or I’m going to be ‘late’ getting back to ‘the office’!” 

Today’s adventure found us walking to the used book store on Potomac. I wanted to find some good horror paperbacks from the 80s because I think they would make cool plant shelves in the kitchen. Just…trust me. I know what I’m doing. Unfortunately, I spent most of the time just looking for the horror shelf (yes! just one small shelf!) so that by the time the lady finally decided to help me, I was too aggravated to even care that much so we left. On our way out, she said, “Didn’t find anything, huh?” in this SUPER CONDESCENDING VOICE while making a “AW SO SAD” face and I was like, “She probably thinks we’re illiterate” and Chooch was like, “Well, you listen to audio books more than actually reading these days, so you probably are.” WOW RUDE ASS! And I will have you know that I’m selective about what books I listen to on audio and which ones I read with my eyeballs! I like listening to memoirs because they’re more personal and intimate that way, and I like listening to thrillers because they help my work day go faster. But most other things, I read! WHY AM I DEFENDING MYSELF HERE?!

Then we crossed the street and went to Muddy Cup for refreshments. I got a cold brew and when the barista (this older Black woman who we’ve only seen twice so far but she is SO FREAKING LOVELY) asked if I wanted room for cream, I said “Sure,” because I always add cream at home since we have a fridge full of fancy flavors. 

I LOVE WHEN MY ALLITERATION FLOWS SO FUCKING FREELY FROM MY FINGERTIPS!!!! 

We both misunderstood each other though and I caught her just as she was about to top it off with some half-n-half.

“No!” I said, probably a bit too passionately. “I have cream at home that I can use.” 
She was like, “Oh. OK.” And then I worried that I offended her; I mean, I know it wasn’t like, half-n-half from her very own teat or anything, but I feel like I came off as being super paranoid and sketchy, the way I said it like that. 

Also, I’m not sure my addition was right when I was leaving her tip on the receipt…

What a strange week of milk-centric cafe outbursts.

Here’s where shit gets good, you guys. On our way home, we were waiting to cross over this busy road called WEST LIBERTY AVENUE. There’s a crosswalk where it intersects with my street. The walk sign had just come on, and it’s a good thing that I’m a professional at crossing the road there (that’s where I would have to cross every morning when walking to the stupid ass trolley!!), because I know that cars in the right turning lane don’t always pay attention to the big fucking NO TURN ON RED sign and just love to squeal their way around that bend regardless of pedestrians.

So while Chooch and I were crossing, I was being uber-vigilant and it’s a good thing too because this big ass motherwhompin’ dumptruck came hurtling through and made that turn RIGHT IN FRONT OF US without stopping. The driver made eye contact with me too and just kept on going, forcing Chooch and me to stand in the middle of the crosswalk and wait. (And then of course that set the tone so the car behind him tried to pull the same stunt but I screamed OH NO YOU DON’T and it was a super old man who looked scared, so he stopped. Because you know, the light was red.)

Anyway, guess what company that dump truck belonged to? FACCHIANO!!! The same company that employs another driver who nearly turned me into a road pancake two weeks ago!!!

Oh I was fuming.

“I AM WRITING A LETTER!” I yelled. “No! I’m going to call them!” Chooch was like, “Oh god” so I opted instead to email them. I donned my Karen wig, went to their shitty ass website (they use WordPress, lol muy professionale) and clicked on the top dog’s email address.

“They’re not going to care,” Henry laughed when I called him screaming my face off. 

Anyway, here is my email. I made sure that I didn’t swear or make threats which is usually my go-to but I have learned that I am sometimes not taken seriously and perhaps considered “hotheaded” and written off, for some reason.

 

In the meantime, I went on Google and had a grand time reading some of the reviews this Shit Inc. has received:

  

 

LOL, OK Jimmy Dean. You stick to the sausages and leave the review-writing to the big kids. 

 

So basically, it sounds like being an inconsiderate fuck stick is what they’re looking for on CVs so keep that in mind if you’re ever finding yourself applying at this garbage dump of a company. 

I was super fired up at this point SO I LEFT A GOOGLE REVIEW, TOO. I AM UNSTOPPABLE. Meanwhile, I was emailing my team at work because I needed to vent and now they call me Karen Kelly.

Anyway, fuck off Henry, because Michael emailed me back within the hour!!!

I mean, OK cool – you stole a book title there, bro, and no I didn’t get the vehicle numbers, I was too busy clutching my pearls and fanning my ghost back into my body!! And also “IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN”?? If it happens again, I will be calling the local news stations and I dunno, the Brookline Patch, lol. Get those mommies up to speed. And you better believe I’ll start a full-fledged smear campaign with stickers and yard signs. Everybody loves them some stickers and yard signs.

In fact, I might add some chalk messages to my social justice sidewalk tomorrow.

Back at work, Nate emailed me and said ERIN THEY UPDATED THEIR WEBSITE:

(Please note that is my employee ID which was taken 10 years ago and although I have recently had an updated photo taken last fall, whoever is in charge still has not updated it even though I have sent three follow-up emails and then gave up because COVID, WHO CARES.)

I was crying from laughing so hard and when I showed Chooch, he said, “Wait – they put your picture on their website? They really did that?” Yes, Chooch the Gifted. It’s all real. Shh, sweet boy, go back to naptime. 

I’m now scared of how he’s going to fare with online schooling this semester. 

Well, that’s all I have right now. My life is so exciting! Maybe if I had something better to do rather than roam around my neighborhood in a state of constant ennui, I wouldn’t be putting myself in the position of vehicular homicide so often!

Oh no wait I lied I have one more thing! On one of our walks last week, actually I think it was Friday, we passed a house that had a Little Library and inside was the third Elizabeth Acevado book I need to read in order to complete the trifecta, but I said, “I WILL GRAB IT ON THE WAY BACK” then I was preoccupied with finding a missing TURTLE because we saw several MISSING signs posted except none of them even mentioned the turtle’s name which made me feel like the turtle’s home was emotionally abusive and he ran away on purpose.

Ugh I get so distracted. Anyway, on the way back I was back in BOOK MODE because what else do I have to live for, but as we approached the block with the Little Library, I spied a young couple rummaging through it and I started blabbering to Chooch about how she was going to take my book and do you think she’s going to take my book and Chooch was like “well she’s holding a blue one and your book was read, oh wait she’s putting that one back…” and then it looked like she was going to go for my book but it was a fake out. Instead, she closed the door and they continued walking on, at which point I speedwalked (my back still hurts too much to run) over and snatched my book so fast.

“We should have a Little Library in our yard,” I said to Chooch. “But it can be like a creepy circus tent—“

“Oh boy, here we go,” he sighed.

Actually, we probably shouldn’t have one. With the riffraff shuffling past our house on the daily, it’ll just become a catch-all for vomit, syringes, empty prescription bottles…no. Just, no.

No comments