Aug 192010

Two years ago, I wrote this:

My daughter lives above a BAIT SHOP??

One of my favorite movie quotes is from a 1980′s b-movie called Back to the Beach. I’m not sure if that was the start of it, but I’ve long been infatuated with bait shops. I’ve never been in one, I’ve never even gone fishing. But I’m obsessed with the gritty imagery that my mind conjures when I think of a bait shop.

Sometimes, I accompany Henry to his place of employment. On the way there, we pass this dingy shanty-like bait shop marked by a hand-written sign that boasts “Live bait. Worms. Fishing Suply.” I’ve been staring dreamily at this bait shop for four years now, and not once in those four years has anyone corrected the spelling of “suply.” It’s endearing.

My new job is a block away from Henry’s, and the fact that I drive past it every day on my way there might just be a coincidence to some; but to me, it’s kind of like a stripper swirling down a pole, her pasties flashing IT’S A SIGN in bright pink LED.

Bait shop, you’re calling my name. I do not know why. Maybe I was a fisherman in a past life, or bait, or maybe I was killed and buried behind a bait shop. But what I do know is that I want to go there, talk to its proprietors. (I believe it’s a husband-wife force; I saw the husband weed wacking yesterday and I’m unsure of which hurt the weeds more: the brutal annihilation served up by the weed wacker, or the vicious verbal rampage the husband appeared to be hatefully funneling at them.)

I had this great idea that I should go there and ask to shadow them for an hour or two, get up to my elbows in bait shop grease. Find out what makes a person go into the baiting biz – carrying the family torch? Addicted to the slithery squishiness of worms? Easy to snag a job after bait school?

I’d probably lie and say it’s for school (my classic excuse) so that I can take pictures of them, too. And maybe I’ll get lucky and snag a sound byte from this seven foot homeless man who loiters in the vicinity. You all know how much I love the homeless, maggots in their beards and all.

But Henry thinks this is a horrible idea. Like, they’ll be so aghast and threatened by my request that they’ll fillet me on the spot and sell my toes as bait. Of course, that’s the kind of diarrhea-inducing anxiety that makes me want to do it all the more.  I have this sick desire to do things that make me uncomfortable, and then complain and whine about it to Henry.

Plus, the bait shop sits haphazardly right above a river bank, so it’d give me an opportunity to be within feet of the sickening river, maybe conquer a fear or two.  Or see a dead body washed ashore, who knows.

Oh, and there’s a pier in their backyard, and I’m kind of obsessed with that shit, too. I don’t know, all these things add up to a big cream-filled YES to me.

EDIT: I just found out why Henry doesn’t want me going there. It seems that the husband-owner stepped in front of Henry’s car one day and yelled at him for going too fast (I asked Henry how he would be able to stand in front of our car if Henry was driving that fast, and Henry said “Exactly.”) so now Henry’s dickie shrivels in fear at the thought of the bait shop.

The point of reposting this is to inform the Internet that a MOVIE has recently been filmed in that exact location! It’s apparently some John Singleton flick with JACOB FROM TWILIGHT OMG YOU GUYS. No seriously, it’s called “Abduction” or something and it’s supposed to be a thriller, and last time I checked no vampires or werewolves had parts in it.

Henry said that they fashioned a new sign over top of the old sign. It says Pachenko’s Bait Shop or something now, but he thought it might just be there for filming.

So, when this movie comes out and you see this extremely lush and bountiful setting, that’s not bleak or run-down at all, think of me, my friends. Think of me.

If anyone wants to take me to a bait shop, let me know.

(P.S. I did go back there to do my fake interview, with Bill and Jessi two winters ago. We were practically chased off the property with shotgun blasts sounding in the sky behind us. Not really, but the dude very disgustedly assured us that “this ain’t no business.” It was scary. I can only imagine how agitated an entire film crew must have made him.)

Aug 012010

I watch So You Think You Can Dance and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Actually, I sort of am. I’ve always been so anti-American Idol that it’s almost like, “Well, what’s the difference?” I mean, aside from the obvious. You know. The one’s got singing. And the other’s got…dancing.

I’ve never really given a shit about dance before. Yes, I took Jazz in like third grade and was INCREDIBLE at step-ball-change (ask Henry! Sometimes I do it just to do it and he’s like, “Goddamn I am so lucky to have hooked myself such a skilled footed woman.” Or maybe it was “footed such a skilled fucking hooker.”). But aside from that small dalliance into the world of staged dancing, I never really noticed anything that was going on.

We started watching SYTYCD at the start of the second season auditions. Totally by accident. Chooch was a newborn. I didn’t have much else to do but stew on the couch while he sucked on my nipples. So it became something I looked forward to every week.

At first, my pedestrian eye would mock the dancers during the tryouts. I remember seeing Travis Wall for the first time and literally laughing so hard and yelling, “OMG THEY’RE GONNA MAKE FUN OF HIM SO HARD.” But then it was all, “Come get your ticket to Vegas!” I had never seen any of that lyrical/contemporary shit before. I didn’t know it was the good stuff.

But once the choreographers got their claws into the dancers, I started to understand. Wade Robson? Totally putting dance moves to the shit inside my head. Mia Michaels? I vow to have sex with her one day.

I never thought watching someone dance could make me cry. It was like the way music moved me, only now I was sobbing while watching a couple act out a scene atop a Mirah song.

I cry more during this show than any drama on TV.

My current favorite is this hot ass Mia Michaels piece from last week:

Embedding was disabled, so you have to actually click!

Jul 162010

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:38 Naked without my Olson twin sunglasses. Squinting like a fucking mole. #
  • 14:40 Going back to the Butler County Fair. Double rainbow all the way! #
  • 19:26 Henry loses all value of the dollar at the fair. I wish I could fiscally unclench long enough to do the same. #
  • 19:27 Just want to say a solid thank you to Alisha for pointing out all th deformaties at the fair today. #
  • 19:52 Just had to have a convo with a mom AND NOW SHE IS SITTING WITH US WHAT. #
  • 19:53 And she just very passively bummed a cigarette from Alisha. She’s said “yinz” 12x so far. #
  • 20:00 Lol mom convo #
  • 20:10 Now my brother Corey and his gf are here encouraging the awkwardness. #
  • 21:56 Goodbye Butler County Fair, you sexy double rainbow bitch. #
  • 22:29 A difference btwn Chooch & me: he wants to rip his event wristband off ASAP upon departure; I wear mine til it disinte grates, then I cry. #
  • 23:08 My Warped Tour photos, if anyone gives a shit: #
  • 23:55 It’s against Henry’s religion to laugh at anything I say or write. But he will always laugh every time I fall down the steps. #

  • 11:15 Chooch just made me put earplugs in his ears so he can go upstairs to use the bathroom while Henry is vacuuming. Issues. #
  • 11:23 I found my first ever Internet friend, circa 1998, on Facebook and I think my ecstatic message creeped her out. #
  • 11:49 Being in Hartford with properly fitted pants, a girl can dream. #
  • 13:05 Pissed ppl off at a red light; apparently they don’t appreciate the soul splitting screams of Miss May I. :( #
  • 13:22 A super old lady just plopped down next to me on a bench & I’m fighting the urge to stop breathing. #
  • 13:34 At Panera with a girl I haven’t seen in 14 years. Amazing. #
  • 17:08 In catching up with Jessy, she asked if I’m still “really clumsy.” Yes, and my clumsiness comes in new flavors now too. #
  • 17:14 And then I cried while telling her about Warped Tour. Slap me. #
  • 20:05 Yo, it’s a BLOG BASH, double rainbow all the way!: Hi! Apparently this is a Blog Bash! I’m not very social in the … #
  • 20:26 Fran on Hell’s Kitchen looks like she’s a Seth MacFarlane creation. #
  • 20:29 Wish I was there, so badly:( RT @VansWarpedTour The sky looks rad! #
  • 20:48 I’m so much of a loser, I’m a looser. #
  • 23:55 The Phil Mickelson Rolex commercial is SO INTENSE OMG. (Like a double rainbow, but you knew that.) #

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