(My last two blog post titles ended in “Things” so I felt compelled to keep with the theme.)

Anyway!!! I woke up so excited yesterday because it was the official “Chooch Comes Home” day! We can’t trust him with basic things so Henry urged him to leave for the airport around noon even though his flight wasn’t until 6ish lol. He texted me around 1:30 to sarcastically thank me because he had made it through TSA super quick and was now faced with about 5 hours to kill hahaha. But I was relieved that he was at least where he needed to be and I could stop worrying about him arriving late and missing his flight.

And yes, I had begun nagging him a full week ago about not forgetting to bring his passport.

Just doing my job!

He randomly sent me this and it cracked me up because ew football. I asked him who took the picture and he said some random guy. Did Chooch actually….ASK for someone to take his picture? Please someone tell me who is this kid, FOR I DO NOT KNOW.

I was practically bouncing myself out of my desk chair all day, in anticipation. I wanted to leave for the airport as soon as I logged off from work at 5:30 but Henry was like HE HAS NOT EVEN BOARDED YET and Chooch was like THE PLANE ISN’T EVEN HERE YET. Boarding was delayed by nearly an hour, which was making me lose my mind.

As soon as Henry saw that the plane was over Harrisburg, he was like, “OK fine, we can leave for the airport now.” YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!

Even though there was an hour delay, he still somehow landed only 10 minutes later than scheduled. I hated almost every single person who walked past us while we were waiting, btw. Just lots of people I could tell that I would hate if I had to:

• live near them
• work with them
• stand in line somewhere with them

Henry was lecturing me about judging books by their cover (OK Mr. Rogers). But then he said, “Look, there’s Mark Madden” and I actually truly do hate that guy, so….see?!?!

(I used to listen to A LOT of sports radio when I was an uber hockey stan.)

As soon as Chooch texted me that he was on the shuttle, I got my phone ready like Dispatch in South Korea waiting for G-Dragon’s airport arrival. Chooch was T H R I L L E D.

View this post on Instagram

There was no hugging or anything like that – Chooch would never. LOL. And as soon as we got in the car, he read us a literal list of demands. Mostly necessities so I was OK with it, but then of course he tacked on, “and an iPhone 16” at the end, lol. Go away.

“I have to write a profile on someone for English while I’m home—” he started to say, to which I interrupted by shooting my hand into the air and grunting, “Oooh! Ooooh!” and he quickly cut me off with a curt, “Not you.”

WOW.

I guess he is going to ask the lady in charge of the Brookline teen center. Even though I am entirely more interesting, but OK.

I made him pose for a picture by the renovated Chooch Wall and when I said, “Ugh, smile properly!” this is what I got. He thought he did it fast enough that I wouldn’t get it BUT I DID and immediately posted it on Instagram much to his chagrin. :D

He had plans to hang out with his friend Isai but I made him watch the G-Dragon/BIGBANG performance from MAMA first and he actually sat through it and made comments like, “Is Seungri going to come out too?” KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THAT WOULD TRIGGER ME. But then when it was the BANG BANG BANG performance and G-Dragon come out with a new outfit on, Chooch goes, “UGH that is totally how he dressed me that one time!” and I knew exactly what he was referring to because I too made the comparison!

Also, Penelope seems mad that he is home. She was legit glaring at him on the steps last night and I said, “That’s because you’re her abuser!” He’s always telling her she looks like a rat and that she stinks!

I can’t wait to barely see him while he’s home!

We redid the Chooch wall (just painted it blue and actually hung the portraits in a less schizophrenic pattern plus swapped some older ones out) but what I’m most excited about is that Henry finally put red lights around the Cure wall. I’ve been nagging him for years and I finally wore him down I guess.

So that’s a thing that happened over the weekend.

Another highlight was that I got a delicious cauliflower sandwich thing from Allegro.

It was nice.

And then I also got a gift set of Chouffe that came with a glass!

I collect Belgian beer glasses now in case you care because apparently in order to be legit you have to drink Belgian beer from certain designated glasses. So much to Henry’s chagrin, I have a new thing to collect. Woo.

In other weekend news, we honestly spent so much time watching G-Dragon MAMA footage, reactions, etc. I can’t believe how much us VIPs have been fed by GD over the last month. No one does it like he does, no one. That man could have napped on the stage in a rocking chair and the crowd would have screamed their faces off. The power of GD. LIVING LEGEND. When I say he is right up there in my book alongside Robert Smith and Phil Collins…sheesh.

Also this happened and I lost my shit crying:

13 people. ♥️

I was so happy about all of these things that I did not let Monday get me down not even one tiny bit.

And the best part is that Henry keeps saying, “Let’s watch BIGBANG again” and then WE WATCH IT AGAIN. I love this for us so much. Henry never requested that I play Dance Gavin Dance stuff over again lol.

Oh! And I was inspired to make new kpop Christmas cards and I designed a label for the kimchi that Henry is making as party favors for Chingumas.

I still feel half-depressed but hopefully this is a sign that things are getting better I don’t know, baby steps. Bye.

I spent a large portion of Friday sobbing. Life in general. The Bambi-sized hole in my heart. Stupid things setting me off. Extremely thin skin – I was told that something I asked to be done at work was silly and I know I shouldn’t have let that bother me because the person likely didn’t mean it that way but it legit ruined my entire day because this is where I am in life – feeling like idiot garbage on the daily. All of these things are making it so hard for me just breathe. But then I woke up and immediately checked my phone because I knew that G-Dragon (and Taeyang and Daesung!) were supposed to perform at the second night of MAMA 2024. The livestream had started last night around 11pm and we watched the red carpet stuff but then I threw in the towel because it was almost 12:30am and I was drunk off one and a half Belgian beers, I am so pathetic.

I LITERALLY CANT HANDLE THIS DID THEY COME BACK RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED THEM THE MOST??? YES YES THEY DID. MY FUCKING HEART. IM STILL CRYING BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW. (Also Hoshi looking awestruck and happy in the audience!!!)

BIGBANG was such a huge part of the healing process for me when my aunt Sharon died, we lost my grandparents’ house, and Trump was elected for the first time – all of these things happened in the same year and then BIGBANG seriously saved me from one of the deepest, darkest pits of depression I’ve even been in. Music has always been my savior but this time it really hit differently because it inspired me to change my entire way of life and I have yet to look back. All of the adversities that BIGBANG have faced in the meantime has been so hard to watch as a VIP so to see the three remaining members get on that huge stage again and to see all of the idols in the audience being in awe and dancing, ugh, I loved to see it. (And again – especially Hoshi!!!)

Also! Seventeen walked away with 5 awards, including best artist and album and I was crying so hard over that, that my stomach hurt. And their performance was immaculate too. This was the first time since, well, BIGBANG last performed there that I actually 1. looked forward to MAMA, and 2. enjoyed it!

G-Dragon also won the Visionary Artist award, even after performing A MAMA DISS TRACK ON MAMA. He is the fucking GOAT.

I’m really emotional. I don’t know how to not care about this stuff. But I really fucking love it.

P.S. Henry is in the middle of re-hanging all of Chooch’s pictures on the Chooch Shrine Wall (we repainted it and I took that time to reorg the pictures since they were previously just tossed up there willy-nilly) and I got a brief video of him dancing to Seventeen’s Ash performance at MAMA.

P.P.S. Henry just screamed, “OW I have another pain in my back! I get one every time I think about those Stray Kids tickets.”

P.P.S. That’s because I thought I was using Paypal Credit but instead it was charged straight to our bank account, LOLOLOL oops. We’ll be eating canned beans and, I dunno, offbrand something or other for the next several weeks. It’s cool though! Because Stray Kids, lol.

I woke up so happy as soon as I remembered it was Friday. It’s been another long week. We cherish the Fridays.  Let’s Friday Five it out!!

I.

Our friend Marlene is having hip replacement surgery next week, so Megan, Debby and I went to her house last night to hang out with her. I love Marlene so much. She is in a lot of pain and really anxious to get this surgery done and over with, yet she was still in good spirits and her humor was just as biting and sharp as ever! Marlene is honestly goals.

I even went to TRADER JOE’S the night before to get some snacks to bring but ended up so overwhelmed and angry (I hate grocery stores in general but this one really angers me plus one of the worker girls was in my fucking way every time I turned around and I ranted about it for a solid 10 minutes after we left, culminating in me shouting, “JUST GO IN THE BACK AND STOCK SOMETHING IN THE FUCKING DUMPSTER” which I didn’t think was that funny but Henry did and actually laughed out loud and then that annoyed me too.

Anyway,  I ended up bringing two loaves of the delicious bread that is freshly baked several times a day at JMart down the street from us. We love this bread – I think it might be Uzbek? Those in the know (WE ARE IN THE KNOW, IS WHAT I AM HUMBLY ALLUDING TO HERE) will arrive at JMart around the time the bread is baked because it usually sells out before they even have a chance to put it on the shelves. We just happened to be there once when there WAS a loaf of it out on display, devoured it like barbarians within minutes of bringing it home, and then obsessively tried to buy it again after that. Henry finally asked one time when were there buying walnuts for my squirrels (lol) when the bread would be available again and the owner’s son gave us a hush-hush pro tip. Anway, Henry stopped there yesterday on his way home from work, had to wait in line for 30 minutes, but ultimately procured three loaves – two for me to take to Marlene’s and one for him to eat at his leisure lol – and it ended up being a hit even though Marlene was scared when I started my explanation of the bread with, “OK, just hear me out—”

But yeah, it was such a nice, cozy evening. I always enjoy hearing stories of Marlene’s youth, and Debby was telling us about how she and some others used to watch The Young and the Restless on a tiny B&W TV in the law firm’s breakroom in the 80s (yes, Debby had been working here for that long!).

And we learned that even though Marlene HATES cheese (weirdo!) she does enjoy cheese popcorn.

“Because it’s not real cheese,” she shrugged.

Here’s hoping her surgery goes well and that she’ll be back on her feet in no time!

II.

I snagged two tickets for the Toronto date of the upcoming Stray Kids tour (and a complimentary stress headache from Ticketmaster) and I am so stoked!!

We saw them in 2022 and it was such an amazing show that even Henry, who didn’t know TOO much about them at the time, walked away a Stay. (Well, maybe – I think he will only commit to being a Carat. He doesn’t have the energy to multi-stan.)

III.

I lost my mind this afternoon over Drew and started crying so uncontrollably that I gave myself a grief headache on top of the stress headache from Ticketmaster. I am so depressed. Adding to this depression and free-fall into midlife crisis’ing, I was unable to thread a needle this morning and burst into tears because it was so frustrating and OMG my eyes.

IV.

Did I really frame a Polaroid of me when I was 4, my best year, wearing my favorite dress and looking my best before I mutated in a fat and frumpy doof and my chin finished developing into its final Jay Leno form? Yes I certainly did.

But the other side is my grandparents at least. I love this picture of them because my Pappap is playfully (trust me it’s playful) pretending to slap her and some unknown hand is holding him back. At least – this is what I have always assumed was happening here. And I have always loved this picture so much. I miss my Pappap.

I know Temu is a no-no-mu, but I sure love these acrylic frames they sell.

V.

Can we end with two new songs from G-DRAGON (FEAT. TAEYANG AND DAESUNG) AND WONHO???? Yes, yes, we can. Happy pre-weekending! I’ll be catching up on the MAMA Award performances, my traditional pre-Thanksgiving tradition!

*******

Well, I’d like to note that I might have woken up happy but it’s now 7:24pm and I’m the exact opposite of happy. I’m sick of the way my job makes me feel.

Everything makes me cry anymore. Is it just that this year has been like a piñata stuffed with bad news and dread and devastating loss or am I perimenopausal. I don’t know but I am tired of feeling so many emotions constantly! I just want another day like Saturday where I feel calm and at peace without a fucking projector reel of trauma spinning out behind my eyes.

Even things that make me happy are also making me sad. Seventeen? I love them but I’m also sitting here and crying because they’re in their military era, because S.Coups couldn’t join them on Na Na Tour last year because of his injury rehab, because seeing them in Chicago was one of the best moments of my life but it was so fleeting.

I’m happy that Chooch is loving college life but I’m sad because I’m still here being depressed about Drew Beringer dying and I miss Chooch so much on top of that and nothing feels right in this house.

Please don’t tell Henry I am saying this but he is the only stable and familiar thing in my life right now. Everything else feels so weird and not right. This house. My job. My body. My brain.

I know it’s weird to put these things in a calendar constraint – like the year has anything to do with it, like January 1 will actually reset anything and make things ok again. But I really am looking forward to putting 2024 in the past. If I can get through even one day next year without crying, then it will already be better than this year.

There was no real point to this. Just feeling weird.

This new NCT Dream song has taken over my life. I am haunted. Renjun’s part in the beginning, the way he says “you” specifically, the fact that Haechan wrote these lyrics. All of these things paired with the DARK SYNTH OF MY YOUTH and I am down for the count.

Can someone please melt down Renjun’s voice and inject it into my heart, thank you. I think it’s the only thing that can heal me. I need to keep it in a flask.

Anyway, it was killing me over the weekend but I finally realized that this reminds me of a synthpop song that I was OBSESSED WITH when Henry and I first started dating and I was super into dark synth. That chime at the 1:15 mark goes right through me in the best “Bourbon in a cavity” type of way. Like when you are already so fucking depressed about something and you keep purposely listening to sad music to make it worse?? I know that’s not just me.

I found this on Spotify when we were driving to Cleveland on Saturday and it was suddenly winter 2002 again, whatever synthpop compilation this song was on playing on repeat in my CD player, and me laying on the floor crying.

You know, the uje.

Saturday was one of the most calm and emotionally mellow days I’ve had this year. I don’t know if that’s progress or if I’m just shutting down – lol – but it was a day of little to no complaints which is all I can ask for anymore.

Henry and I left the house around 8AM and drove to Cleveland in search of Korean beer for Chingumas. Pennsylvania is so fucking annoying and the Asian markets – at least here in Pgh – don’t sell alcohol. We got a few 6-packs from H-Mart in Chicago last month but still need more. It’s just so fucking hard to find not to mention expensive! Everything else Korean is so popular and common now in the US but alcohol, ugh. But I remembered that last year we went to a small and I do mean tiny Korean corner store and snatched up some last minute makgeolli and soju for the inaugural Chingumas, and they had K-beer there as well. So, it was a daytrip date for The Empty Nesters. Sigh.

The only thing you missed from the car ride was:

• me obsessing over the new NCT Dream album, most notably the song “Best of Me” and then using up every ounce of brain juice I had in reserves to recall the synthpop song it reminds me of (“Can’t Tell” by MindSideOut, fyi).
• me obsessing over my bulging veins in my hands because I desperately needed to drink water and then I started screaming, “My veins are varicosing!!!” and Henry was oddly mad about this and called me a liar. Trump gets re-elected and Henry’s already asserting his white maleness. Yay.
• my phone getting an event alert that WOLFENOOT is upcoming. Since my phone was connected to the car, this also popped up on the screen for Henry to see and he goes, “WOLFENWHAT??” and I had to explain to him that something like 10 years ago, someone posted on Twitter that their kid invented a holiday called WOLFENOOT, observed annually on 11-23, and I set a reminder in my phone so that I too could celebrate this lovely imaginary holiday except that I have failed to celebrate it even once in all these, so Henry goes, “Why don’t you just….delete the reminder?” AS IF.
  • I wonder if that kid even still celebrates it. What if I am the only one in the world who still even has it on the calendar??
    • OK I just googled it because I couldn’t even remember the purpose of this holiday and now that I’m reminded of its cause, I think I should try to observe it for real this year but I AM NOT EATING ROASTED MEAT.

It felt like it took so much longer to get to Cleveland than usual. Did it always take 2 hours?! I feel like it used to be a 90 minute drive!? Anyway, our first stop was Vegan Doughnuts (I wish they had had a contest to help them come up with a better name than that because I would have entered with a quickness). We arrived at the Lakewood location around 10:45 and I was so happy to see that it now has its own storefront and isn’t squatting inside that Brewnuts place which is where we had to go 2 years ago to get their donuts and it was full of pretentious craft beer day drinkers and I loved the aesthetic but HATED the vibes.

Now, I feel that on any other given day, our Erin would have reacted to this is a very different way, but when we walked to the donut place and saw that there was a sign that said “restocking, be back at 11:15” I simply shrieked “OH COME ON!!!!” and then agreed to just walk around the area instead of starting a fire to the entire block while screaming LET’S JUST GO HOME and then spending the next 2 hours back in the car, pouting and scowling out the window.

I’m getting there, you guys! I’m getting there.

So, we went for a walk and saw this amazingly frightening storefront. The place was called Hixson’s – I have no idea what kind of store it was. Henry’s guess was “Stained glass” – I’m too ambivalent to google.

When we got back to the donut place, it was 11:13 and a LINE HAD ACCUMULATED. Again, I started to get bent out of shape, but Henry was like, “It’s not that bad” to which I said, “YEAH BUT THERE ARE SMALL KIDS IN THE LINE ALSO” but I sighed heavily and got in line anyway. And he was right – it was not that bad. We only had to stand outside for about 5 minutes before the door was opened to us and since it’s just donuts or GTFO, the line moved swiftly. Within another 5 minutes, it was our turn and even after I was cursing people under my breath for taking ones I wanted, everything I wanted was still available and even better – when I inquired about the empty raspberry strudel section, the super friendly donut girl said there were more in the back and that if we were ok with waiting a few minutes, she’d bring one out to us! It was a donut miracle!

And on this day, I learned that being patient and leaving my hateful comments at the curb, I too could enjoy the donut I most wanted.

Resting donut face.

Seriously, who looks that pissed at a donut shop!?!? He wasn’t even mad about anything that day except that I think he was annoyed with everyone else in line with us and that was valid, believe me. I am just trying to be a better person or else I would have typed a few paragraphs about the donut waiting room.

Old-fashioned, Boston Creme (ugh, Henry’s choice), apple cider, lemon lavender. Not pictured – the raspberry strudel which came out to us in a separate bag.

Yo, I say this every time I have a donut, that I am really not a donut person but these donuts are just SO GOOD. The lemon lavender was my fave – I loved how bright the lemon flavor was and how soft and chewy the dough is. Honestly worth the drive especially if you’re looking for vegan donuts specifically, but these are even more delicious than a lot of non-vegan donuts I’ve had, really.

Plus!! It’s owned by a Black woman and I love to support that.

Then we went to Kim’s and got four 6 packs of beer. It was slim-pickins. But the older couple who run that shop are so nice and it was a pleasant experience so not a total bust. We also went to another larger Asian market (the one where I first found the BIGBANG iced tea bottles all those years ago!) but they do not have ANY alcohol. We did get some snacks for the drive home though.

The rest of the evening was spent watching Seventeen’s Nana Tour on Viki (it is wild having Henry hard stan a Kpop group and not just casually being a fan from a distance) and sharing Belgian beers which was easier to procure than Korean beers, sigh.

1. The Past Should Stay Dead: An Example

Chiodos is doing a 20-anniversay tour for their album All’s Well That Ends Well and anyone who knew early 2000s Erin knows that this album was SO IMPORTANT to me. I have lyrics from it tattooed on my dumbo arm for Christ’s sake. I really considered getting tickets for the Pgh show in April but you guys, the only OG member left is the singer Craig Owens, who actually had left the band because he is so freaking horrific to work with and the remaining members continued on with a new singer – OK you don’t care, it doesn’t matter, the point is that the band in its original context dissolved and when I heard that they had “reunited,” I was like, “Oh, it’s just Craig now and all new people. No thanks.” Because Chiodos was one of those bands where it wasn’t just the singer that you’d latch on to – all of the members were larger than life, disgustingly talented, personable, etc. So for me, it’s the OG crew or GTFO. That show ended up selling out super fast anyway, but then last night I got an email that a second Pgh show was added so I went to Ticketmaster and really was considering it to the point where I had two tickets in my cart. Then for some stupid reason I couldn’t log into Paypal which is odd because I used Paypal like every day with no issue, so after three tries, I threw my phone down on the couch and said, “You know what? No. I’m not doing this. It’s a sign.” Henry, from his dining room greeting card work station, said, “Well, there’s a 90% chance you would have hated everyone there anyway.” I scoffed. “Yeah – the main person there.” I think this is growth, you guys. I really am almost fully divorced from sad, emo scene kid Erin. Oh and don’t even get me started on the WARPED TOUR reboot cash grab. It feels so disingenuous and phony.

2. Me & My C-List References

Remember last month when I did my volunteering bullshit and I loved the landscaping lady? Well, one of the things I failed to note was that she talked in this particular way that I really love, it’s a certain way she would say her ‘r’s and the whole time I was like, “UGH IT’S THE SAME WAY THAT LADY FROM THAT SHOW DUET TALKS” but I couldn’t think of her name and also whoever references the show Duets?? Why was I watching that show in like, 2nd grade?? Anyway, last night I was sitting here and I kapchugi shouted, “MARY PAGE KELLER!!” and Henry was like, “Ok?” and then I had to explain all of this to him and, just as it was a waste of time to type all of this out, it was also a waste of time explaining it to him out loud because he obviously didn’t care. Why would anyone care. I must have REALLY liked that show as a young Erin though because to this day anytime I meet someone who talks like that, I feel instantly comforted??

LOL what even was this show about??

(Related – I was so stoked at the Zsa Zsa Gabor reference in the Netflix Menendez Bros series, and then the other night I was watching an episode of Only Murders in the Building from season 4 and there was another Zsa Zsa reference! And the reference was literally, “Zsa Zsa Gabor reference” and I was fucking dead. The way I love Zsa Zsa….)

3. We’re living in Weiss Meats’ world now

In my last therapy session, we talked about my abusive time at Weiss Meats, the sexual harassment I endured, the mediation. I was getting so upset that my heart was racing and I had to actually stop at one point, put my hand on my chest and tell her that I couldn’t get my heart to slow down. The re-election of Trump has triggered me in so many ways because it’s just another indication that instead of moving forward, we are being shoved backward. Like, violently. So many of us – women, immigrants, minorities, LGBTQ. How is our country lauded as this great nation when we are so fucking backward and refuse to allow a confident, capable, intelligent woman to become President (80 other countries have elected women to run their joints but ok cook on Dumberica).

(THAT’S WHAT I CALL AMERICA NOW IN CASE YOU WERE CONFUSED.)

Anyway, one of the things that came out of that session, that I had pushed into the dark and bleak recesses of my mind, is that back in 2004 when I first went to a lawyer about the things I had endured at Weiss Meats, and they read over my account, I was referred to a rep from the EEOC who then said, “No, this isn’t sexual harassment. Let’s go with…sex discrimination.”

Yo. I was QUITE LITERALLY GRABBED BY THE PUSSY by my boss’s son. I am not exaggerating. I was at the filing cabinet in my office and he ran over to me, grabbed and squeezed my crotch, and then ran away. I was stunned. I am still stunned every time I think about this and believe me you, I think about it a lot.

But…that’s not sexual harassment. (YOU’RE RIGHT – IT’S FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULT, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT THEN, I WAS 20 FUCKING YEARS OLD AND WORKING IN MY FIRST OFFICE AND MY MOM WAS TELLING ME SHE HAD THIS HAPPEN TO HER TOO ALL CASUAL-LIKE, LIKE OK  THIS IS A NORMAL DAY FOR A WOMAN IN THE WORKPLACE, GOT IT.)

I had a laundry list of the things that happened to me, and to have to sit in that mediation room, me against all these men, and the only person on my side was….another man? I still cannot believe that this was something I was able to get through. It feels like it must have been a bad dream.

But when Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” bullshit was going on, and it was dismissed as “locker room talk” and I saw other women on Facebook (thank god I left) agreeing that it was “just words” and that anyone crying about it was just a snowflake, it brought all that back. Was I overreacting? Was I not really abused? Was what happened to me normal? It wasn’t rape, so should I have just walked away and not fought back with my former employer?

The #metoo movement was so validating, and for a minute I thought that maybe the country was moving forward, maybe people like me who had gone through varying degrees of assault, harassment, discrimination, maybe this was our time to be recognized and to start really healing. But no, I was wrong, because the re-electing of this piece of shit just reenforced the notion that women don’t matter. This is truly Weiss Meats’ world, you guys. 20 fucking years later and our country is about to be lead – again – by someone who would pat the Weiss Bros on the back for the way they treated women.

Sorry, this is probably a mess of words, but I too am nothing more than a mess right now. Burn it all fucking down.

4. Chooch Can’t Escape Kpop

Got these texts from Chooch the other day LOL.

Also, someone on Chooch’s dorm floor wrote “Stream SVT Love Fame Money” on the RA’s whiteboard and he sent it to me like, “Did you break in here??” LOL. He was disgusted. When I say BTS and their fans ruined Kpop for him…

In other family kpop news, last night I overheard Henry saying “Seventeen right here” and singing Blackpink’s Pink Venom while rummaging through the fridge.

In other family kpop news, part 2: I just made Henry watch the latest NCT Dream music show stage and he said, “It was OK but I’m a Seventeen stan now.” WOW. He’s in deep. There’s no room for multi-stanning with this guy.

5. LET’S END WITH A RAINY-THEMED VIDEO BECAUSE IT’S RAINING TODAY

Hope everyone but Trump, the remaining Weisses, and anyone who condones/excuses/does sexual assault has a great weekend :) Goodbye from Trauma Town.

I’m not one to dream-journal, but the one I had last night was so real and amazing and I never ever ever want to forget it, even though I feel so sad and heavy-hearted now.

OK so first of all, I was in college!? I was the age I am now, and it was so uncomfortable, plus I kept falling asleep in English class and couldn’t get words to come out right, like I was trying to talk with wet gravel in my mouth. But somehow, against all odds, I made friends with this young girl from NY named Dream (lol) and I was telling her about Chooch going to Drexel and that I felt weird for being 45 and in college and she was like, “No you’re fine!” but everyone else was straight scowling at me with disgust, like I smelt of elder-diapers and prunes, so I did not feel fine. Then I got some papers back and of course the comments were talking about what a fucking writing phenom I was. *blows on fingertips*

Then, even though I thought I was living in the dorms, I was back in the super small apartment that I was sharing with this Korean influencer who I have followed for years (IRL) – Joan Kim. She had just come back from one of her many business trips and we were hugging but I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, even though I lived there. While she was in the bathroom, I was sitting on a couch and suddenly, Jonghyun from SHINee (he passed away in 2017 so this was extra jarring) was sitting next to me and in my dream, he was my best friend that only I could see.

But he was also still Jonghyun who was a real person, so this was not an imaginary friend sitch. I was SO FUCKING HAPPY TO SEE HIM that I was crying. Then Joan came out of the bathroom and I had to act like I wasn’t sitting on the couch, hugging Jonghyun.

She left, and then Jonghyun and I went out. We were walking around this cute little street lined with small cafes and gift shops and somehow we were both like, “WE ARE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS” and he kissed me and I was like, “!!!!!!!!!!”  Then! A little girl said something to him and I said, “You can see him??” and she looked at me like I was crazy and then I realized that everyone could see him; somehow, we figured out that he was only “alive” in this particular town, which turned out to be a small town in France?! I guess that is where I was living with Joan Kim, while apparently going to college in the US, I have no idea. So, then I was trying to get him to stay, because then we could be together, but he was like, “I have to go to….” some other weird ass cities I can’t remember now, but I can still feel my desperation at trying to keep him here.

This is one of the only celebrity deaths that hit me hard and stuck with me. I keep a framed picture of him on our bedroom wall. I am so sad today, all over again.

This was the Jonghyun in my dream :(

Between the weird and shitty personal things that have me feeling super down this year, Bambi dying, the election and the horrible things looming on the horizon, last night’s dream, and the fact that our Law Firm days are over for good as far as our beloved 10th floor goes (our office is consolidating floors and ours got the ax), I am just so numb and have no faith or hope. Just a weird limbo between “too tired to cry” and “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

OK never mind about being too tired to cry because after avoiding this song for years, I am listening to it now and crying hot ugly fat tears. Lock me in a dark room somewhere and throw away the key.

How are you? And you? And you, Prudence? Eh, I’m … you know. Not stoked that Trump created a new department named after a meme for that fucking psycho megalomaniac Elon Musk to use to the country further into the ground. Every day we’re gifted more things to be horrified by – jump scares every time a news alert comes in. America as a haunted house.

I guess I will try to focus on positive things that are currently swimming against the PANIC CURRENT of my brain. For one thing, we have an NCT DREAM comeback! This song is my current fave jam. Please listen.

Thank god for Kpop.

I had a really cathartic therapy session today. I really appreciate my therapist and am hoping that she fixes me soon so that we can be friends is that weird I guess not. See also me googling “is it inappropriate to invite your therapist to your Xmas party.”

Wow am I actually at the bottom of the barrel of “positive things” for the week? That’s…alarming.

We’re redoing the Chooch Tribute wall in our living room – does that count? By redoing, it’s not a major overhaul. Just repainting and rearranging the pictures. Some need swapped out and I really want to add either his graduation portrait or one of his senior portraits as the center, and I want to have this finished before he comes home for Thanksgiving.

Oh! We’re going to dinner with Pam and Greg on Friday and I am excited to hang out and have a healthy, hearty bitch fest with fellow NeverTrumpers.

Still in my Belgian beer era, in case you were wondering. Henry brought me a…starter kit? Variety pack? Of beers from this one Belgian brewery and I know I said I was a Delirium girlie but I think now my bestie is Gulden Draak.

I had one that I hated though!! It wasn’t in that pack – we got it at that FALSELY NAMED HOUSE OF 1000 BEERS. It was a Chocolate Cherry Duchesse and I thought it would be good because I loved the other fruity version of Duchesse I had but THIS SHIT WAS SO DISGUSTING. It even smelled so bad, like walking into a house where the windows hadn’t been opened since the 1970s I don’t know how else to describe it but it was old and musty and then it hits your tongue like a taser. So sour and disgusting. Literally one of the worst beers I have had ever had. I immediately made Henry drink my half and he also wasn’t a fan so he was not thrilled.

Oh another positive thing is that we are having the annual Trimming of Trudy the night after Thanksgiving with Corey and Janna like old times! Henry better provide snacks. And they better bring me BELGIAN BEER.

Well, that’s all for now. I’m going to sit here with a blanket over my head while watching Seventeen content probably. Stan Seventeen, you guys.

I’m grateful that my mom always let me do what I wanted to my bedroom aesthetic – teenage Erin would be proud (maybe a little confused) to see that her adult self held on to the same style guide lol.

This is all I’ve got right now – small little pockets of joy. I love this spot for the saranghae sign because it illuminates the acrylic shelf above it.

Yeah boy.

I’m just trying to not think about this shit right now so here is some stuff that I have done during the last week. I mean, aside from screaming into a pillow.

We went to two more haunted houses last week to close out the season, so that was nice.

Fright Farm was open every night during Halloween week so we went on Tuesday. It was OK as far as crowds went but it’s annoying because they make you wait FOREVER before they start calling groups #s for the hayride. The one nice thing though is that there are games and food, fires to sit by, and – well, this is actually a bad thing – a stage where bands play on weekends but on offnights, they just play REALLY BAD POP MUSIC. At some point, an actual DJ took over and it turned into a montage of really tacky wedding reception songs like Cupid Shuffle (FUCKING HATE THAT SONG) and whatever that idiotic “Slide to the left, now slide to the right” song is that I also hate (several hick women got to aggressively perform these moves and I had secondhand embarrassment so bad). In case you were unaware, Chappell Roan’s “Hot To Go” is now in the “cringey old person firehall line dance” category. There were middle-aged women doing TIKTOKS of themselves dancing to this at Fright Farm and I truly wanted to die.

I liked Chappell Roan for a minute but she in on my last nerve since summer, but honestly, what and who isn’t.

Meanwhile, Henry went and bought me a slice of pizza since I had missed a feeding to be there. This slice was bigger than two of my faces and if you have seen my bloated face in person lately, then you know that’s a huge hunka pizza. Anyway, I probably could have finished the whole thing but I KNOW if I did, I would have been sick. So I was trying really hard to stop while I was ahead. Around the time I started to push the plate away, one of the chainsaw guys came over and stopped next to where we were sitting and, in this creepy, screechy voice, started asking us what were eating (Henry had pepperoni rolls in case you care). Chainsaw Guy was concerned because I had so much pizza left and wanted to know why.

When I told him it was too big and I couldn’t finish it, he was like, “I’ll take it off your hands if you don’t want it” and I was like, ‘Uh, lol, I mean….” and HE TOOK IT AND WALKED AWAY WITH IT, AND THEN HE AND ANOTHER MONSTER GUY ATE IT! I was fucking dying. It was the most wholesome chainsaw interaction I’ve ever had?!!?

Post-pizza ^^

The germ-phobe in me was wildin’ out though because I had eaten that pizza in the most random way since it was so big – I was eating it from the sides and then started pulling pieces off the crust, and at one point I 100% gleeked on it, ugh.

But I guess dude was just really hungry because he came back later and PULLED A CHAIR OVER TO THE TABLE BEHIND US where two guys were sitting eating fries. He was like, “Hi guys, what’s up” and than started casually eating their fries while trying to get passers-by to join them. Then he got one of the guys to go to a food stand and buy him a bottle of water! So much moxie. I want to be this chainsaw guy when I grow up.

Anyway, Fright Farm was fun but the lady who is in charge of sending groups into the walking park, post-hayride, is soooo shitty. I mean, shitty attitude, yes, but also she sucks at gauging the crowd and sends new groups in way too fast. It was such a slow night but she practically sent in our whole wagon at once when it should really only be groups of 6. Her timing SUCKS. She was there last year too and I fucking hated her then too.

What else….I already wrote about Halloween….

I was off last Friday and then I texted Janna and said, “I’m off tomorrow, you should call off too haha” and she didn’t call off BUT SHE DID TAKE A HALF DAY! So, we met at Chimera Brewing for lunch. It used to be some other brewery and then it closed and everyone cried about it. I did not care either way. But this new place seemed to have lots of good veg/vegan options and that’s what my sold me.

Breweries are so weird to me. Like, I get why people like them I guess but they all seem the same to me!! Same ambiance, same menus (I do prefer the ones that have an actual kitchen too and don’t just rely on a rotating food truck schedule), same-tasting beers. I guess what I’m saying is that I still prefer to go to bottle shops and just split two beers with Henry in the comfort of my own home while watching chaotic Kpop content on YouTube.

HOWEVER. I hadn’t seen Janna in person in a while (since the grad party, actually!) since I have had little will to live this past year. But I’m glad that I forced myself to get out of the house and that Janna was able to meet me there. Sorry for publicly tearing up while talking about Bambi, Janna!

(I will have you know that I was able to drink all the beers in my flight but none of them have me running back for more. I AM STILL PICKY.)

As usual Wells Township’s Haunted House had the honor of being our last haunt of the season Saturday night. We like to go on their Lights Out Night because it’s so000 hysterical and they totally fuck with you.

This year wasn’t as great as past years, but whoever was following me up a set of stairs while tickling my sides HARD, you were the MVP of the night. I was laughing so hard that I am proud of myself for not peeing. There was also a room where Air Supply’s Making Love Out of Nothing at All was playing while a werewolf lounged in bed. Nothing about this place makes sense and I love them for it.

The only bummer was that it was shorter this year (no maze at the end) and the two chainsaw guys on duty didn’t even try to chase me. That part I didn’t mind so much since it was a Wells Township chainsaw guy that nearly lopped my foot off two years IF YOU RECALL.

Actually, one of the scariest things was wondering how many Trump supporters we were surrounded by, being in small town Ohio.

Other than that, it’s been a lot of ignoring everything on social media but Seventeen content and planning Chingumas because when this happened in 2016, having a Xmas party was like a big fucking group therapy session.

Wow what a fucked up week. I have so much anger inside of me that I feel like I could power…a small appliance at the very least. Maybe a toaster or a power drill.

Anyway, I am TRYNA relax tonight but Henry already pissed me off because I went to put away a mixing bowl from the strainer and he has the whole set COMPLETELY FUCKED UP and not in PROPER FORM like how I keep them (they are like the Russian nesting dolls of mixing bowls, you know?) which is LARGEST AND THEN ANOTHER ALMOST AS LARGE AND THEN A LARGE AND THEN SMALL ETC. And then the rubber lids go beneath the stack ALSO BIGGEST TO SMALLEST.

WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD. I DON’T EVEN USE THE FUCKING THINGS BUT EVEN I KNOW HOW TO PUT THEM AWAY.

Then I sat down with a small glass of LANCASTER BREWING CO Milk Stout and it is OK but it’s also a STOUT and I am still not quite to having a stout palate yet –  I think I need to grow hairs on my tongue first.

Or does that come AFTER growing a test for that shit?

I don’t know.

This one tastes like coffee and then I remember that the last stout I tried also tasted like coffee and I think that is probably why I keep coming back even though I don’t LOVE these – it’s like sipping cold, syrupy coffee somehow. I asked Henry if all stouts taste like coffee and he said, “I don’t know.”

(Ew, I just took another sip and now it has a vegetable taste, I don’t know.)

Anyway, then I was perusing Untapped and I kept seeing “IMPERIAL” so I asked Henry if that was a type of a beer and he said, “I don’t know.”

TWO “I DON’T KNOWS” IN A ROW. I snapped.

“WHY DON’T YOU KNOW?? ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU FUCKING WHITE MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT??? BEER, AND HOW TO BE BIGOTS AND MISOGYNISTS???” and then I lunged at him with my teeth snapping and he had to hold me back with his hand pushed against my forehead.

I can’t help it, I have always been a biter ever since I got in trouble for biting some bitch on the face when I like 3 or 4 but she fucking deserved it because she left me stranded in her tree house!? BUT ALL TEH ADULTS TOOK HER SIDE AND I WAS THE BAD SEED?!?

I have other things to recap on here but SHOOOOOO, I just can’t stop to collect my thoughts at all yet. I am so disgusted and side-eyeing EVERYONE now.

LOL Henry just came back in the room after I kicked him out and quietly said, “The difference between stouts and porters is that stouts are stronger” – LOL I forgot that I asked him that and he told me, “You have your phone in your hand, Google it” and I SCREAMED, “MY PHONE IS IN MY HAND BECAUSE I AM BLOGGING YOU DIP SHIT – GO SOMEWHERE!!!”

I’m going to make Henry drink the rest of this and unwind with YouTube videos of Seventeen’s encores because they are literal joy and we need all of that we can get right now. I hope everyone is being kind to themselves. Do something nice for yourself this weekend!!

My intro is just “fuck it all to hell.” On to the books.

1. Malice House (Malice Compendium, #1) by Megan Shepherd

A “meh”-ish 3 stars. It was fine.

2. Don’t Eat the Pie by Monique Asher

This cover is chef’s kiss. This and the plot itself gave me some ideas for future Pie Parties lol (Dear Henry, make the top crust of the pie say “All Hail Queen Erin”). But truly, this book was kind of a snooze. I didn’t latch on to a single character. I also didn’t even care about the whys and hows. That’s….not great. Kind of Rosemary’s Baby-esque but not very well executed.

3. Sleep Tight by J.H. Markert

*HIT THE BUZZER!* Next.

4. Incidents Around the House by Josh Malerman

YO 5 STARS. This was included in Spotify Premium and as soon as I started listening, my immediate reaction was, “Ugh, this is narrated from a child’s POV” and thought FOR SURE that the voice would drive me insane. Yet somehow, I withstood it and thank god because this one was actually chilling. The horror book I have been searching for! Perfect for October, creepy AF, also kind of funny at times. My ONLY gripe is that the way  the parents (especially the mom) talked to the kid. I think she was supposed to be 8 and they were slinging some Big Thinks around. I mean, I always patted myself on the back for talking to Chooch like I would talk to anyone else, totally eschewing baby talk, but this was reminiscent of watching Dawson’s Creek back in the day and screaming, “WE DO NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE THAT!” I thought that was kind of bizarre.

Actually, I just saw this in someone’s Goodreads review and it is very spot-on: “the author wrote the 8 year old like she was 4. meanwhile adults are having full on conversations with her like she is their co worker.”

However, the plot was just THAT GOOD that I didn’t let this drag the score down.

5. Gray After Dark by Noelle W. Ihli

I truly do not know how this absolute garbage disguised as a book has such a high average on Goodreads because it felt like it was written by a middle schooler. Repetitive. Boring. One dimensional characters. I appreciate that it was based on a true story but I think I would rather read a non-fiction account of it. Cringey. Poorly-written. The captors name one of the girls RUTHIE SUE? Get this cornball trash out of my face. Ugh I actually got so angry thinking about this drivel.

6. All This & More by Peng Shepherd

Really cool concept, reimagined Choose Your Own Adventure, but it got kind of boring and also confusing. I didn’t want to choose either option most of the time lol.

7. Horror Movie by Paul Tremblay

This started off strong, but then I got bored. 3 stars but honestly his books are usually pretty mid to me.

8. Docile: Memoirs of a Not-So-Perfect Asian Girl by Hyeseung Song

Loved it! Apparently, a memoir was just what I needed.

9. So Thirsty by Rachel Harrison

OK I am a big fan of Harrison’s writing and have given all of her books 4-5 stars. I love her modern takes on classic horror tropes. AND I LOVE VAMPIRES so this should have been an easy 5 for me. Henry and I listened to the audiobook on the way to Chicago for the Seventeen concert, and finished it on the way home so in that regard this book will always feel cozy and warm to me when I think about it. And Harrison’s writing was, as per usual, snappy and quick-witted. I love how she writes her dialogue and I love how her main characters always have a sort of “ugh what now” attitude about them. This one was no exception. I loved Sloane, but her BFF Naomi was so fucking grating. I get it – she was supposed to be loud and obnoxious, a total party monster but I hated hated hated the voice that the narrator gave her. It went right through me every time, especially since we had to listen to it with the volume up fairly loud to combat highway noise.

I would give the first half of the book 4 stars, maybe even 4.5. It was fun and kept us interested, and the when the vamps finally enter the picture, shit got fucking hysterical. But the second half was a slog. The pacing was weird, it felt like it stalled out. There were times when I couldn’t even remember what the plot was anymore  – was there a thing that they working up to, etc.? So I gave that half a 2.75.

3 stars overall and I will definitely still be reading her books, but you know, you can’t please everyone every time.

10. Diavola by Jennifer Marie Thorne

LOL dude. 4 stars, one of the quirkiest and most fun haunted house books I’ve ever read! I love love love that it was set in a small Italian village, I loved the dysfunctional family dynamics, I loved hating the brother’s brother, I loved rooting for the main character every time her family treated her like a black sheep tag-along.

And then once the hauntings started happening, it was equal parts chilling and STILL FUNNY.

Eventually, the setting changes to NYC and the book lost a little bit of its charm for me then, but overall, 4 stars.

11. Every Last Secret by A.R. Torre

I hated this. One of the most boring domestic thrillers with two catty bitches fighting over one man who, aside from being a mega millionaire, was SUCH A BORING ASSHOLE. This was not good but I was in need of an audiobook to accompany me on my walks and this was the best I could do in a pinch.

12. We Should Have Left Well Enough Alone by Ronald Malfi

Short stories. The first one started the book off with a bang, I loved it so much and this is going to sound like I’m giving myself way more credit than I ever deserve, but it reminded me of those idiotic short stories I used to write on here back in the day before my job and life in general sapped every last ounce of creativity from my brain? Those days?

Yeah anyHOO. Some stories were poppin’, some were….droppin’. You know what I mean. There was one about a foster kid that tags along with a trio of kids from the neighborhood for trick-or-treating and that one was definitely the perfect nostalgic Halloween vibes that I needed, you know, on Halloween. But some were really drawn out with little pay off at the end.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO SAY.

That’s all of the books I read in October.

Literally can’t focus on much else today, ELECTION DAY, so I need to bulletpoint for therapy.

• I stayed up last night watching various livestreams of the Harris rallies. Some thoughts on the musical performances: Katy Perry – oh honey thanks for giving fodder to the MAGA set. I never liked her music but what in the actual fuck was that weird ass singing she was doing?? Of course this is the big star Pgh would get, sigh. Over in Philly, Ricky Martin was singing in a Dracula voice like he thought he was in Transylvania not Pennsylvania. Bon Jovi was somewhere and sounded like what happens when AI gets involved. I thought I was having a stroke while watching all of this! And the worst part is that I sat through all of this because I wanted to see Lady Gaga because I have a mild interest in her and all she did was sing some stupid America song from elementary school. But, at least she sounded good.
• I wish AOC would have been canvassing in my neighborhood because I bet she would love my interior design. I just get that feeling, you know? Like we’d girl-out over my sometimes questionable Party City decor.
• JAEHYUN ENLISTED IN THE MILITARY YESTERDAY AND I AM NOT OK. Let’s take a moment and enjoy his recent solo MV:

• Henry and I went to this JOKE OF A PLACE called House of 1000 Beers on Sunday to cruise the selection for more Belgians. OK first of all, honey, 1000 beers though? I don’t think so. There is absolutely NO WAY and I kept commenting on this while we were there and btw I felt immediately uncomfortable there too, it was an awkward set-up with people eating on one side and then a bar on the other side and the cook was LEERING AT ME from his little kitchen podium window thing and I kept muttering, “I hate it here, I want to leave” under my breath and then I was going to wait in the car but I didn’t want to leave the choices up to Henry because he is the worst at picking things that I will like, so I stuck it out but I bitched about it sporadically throughout the day. Like, we were watching TV later that night and I blurted out, totally kapchugi, “There is NO WAY that there were 1000 different beers there?!” and Henry just groaned because I was back on my “calling the BBB” kick again.
• Henry got an itch to clean out the closet-area at the top of the basement steps on Saturday because all he wanted to do was “hang up his one coat” but the hooks are completely usurped by my menagerie of coats and purses (I have a reallll fuckin’ problem). “Some of these coats probably don’t even need to be here, there is no way you wear all of these!” Henry huffed, but then after pawing through them, he mumbled, “OK maybe you do.” LOL.

This is only some of the pile! Here he is holding up the only two belongings of his that he wanted to hang up, lol. 

• Chooch texted me at 12:22PM with photo confirmation that he voted and I AM SO PROUD, I ACTUALLY STARTED CRYING. What a huge election to be a part of as a first-time voter. And he’s in that “young man” demo too, which makes it even better. (Yes, he voted straight Dem, let’s gooooo.)
• Henry came home from work and told me that his co-worker who is like a beer guru told him that he should have gone to a different place instead of HOUSE OF NOWHERE NEAR 1000 BEERS and he is actually the reason we went there in the first place?? But I guess Henry doesn’t talk to him often enough because this dude doesn’t go there anymore. Yeah, probably because of the false advertising! Anyway, Henry told him that I am a Belgian beer girlie now and the dude said, and I am so mad about this, that those are good STARTER BEERS. Did he mean to say, “Holy shit, your wife is HARDCORE, not liking beer and then bypassing all the sissy shit and going straight for the BELGIAN?? She is a KEEPER. She sounds like SHE IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.”

• Hey speaking of, Henry, Scared of Irritating a Woman Voter, brought home a DELIRIUM NOEL GIFT SET for me last night so now I have a Delirium glass! Don’t worry I still complained because it’s not the OG glass with the curvy stem.

• Oh and nbd but this happened in the scene before the beer was poured:

And now, we wait 😬

What I wouldn’t give to be in Korea right now though fr fr. Watching Seventeen vlogs as a distraction but I know eventually the election shit is going to be put on. I can’t resist.

In my latest two therapy seshes we covered the Psycho Mike stuff, did I mention this? And I have to say, I didn’t realize that I needed to talk to a professional about this at this stage in my life but I feel EMPOWERED now. Like I didn’t realize what a big deal it was that I recognized at that young age that I was being treated abusively and took a stand and vowed to never let myself be treated like that again. “Sometimes aggressively so” I admitted when saying that I have worn the pants in every subsequent relationship and when I told Henry afterward he was like, “Wow can I talk to her for a few minutes?” LOL piss off and get back to the kitchen. You little bitch.

I don’t know why my bulletpoints disappeared and now that I have been drinking, IDGAF.

• I went for a walk around town to get the rest of my steps and because I can’t keep pacing around the house moaning. I was on the street behind my house when a man in a pickup truck blew through a stop sign as I was waiting to cross the street. In a calm and monotone voice, I called out, “Wow, don’t stop.” HE GOT THRU THE LITTLE INTERSECTION AND STOPPED HIS TRUCK LOL AND SAID, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” so I repeated it with the same hearty dose of sarcasm and he just drove away. Henry was BIG FROWN ENERGY about this when I came back home and told him lololol.

Relatedly, in therapy today we also talked about how I have a huge problem with men and authority and she was like, “OK that makes sense” while adding to her notes that I would like to read some day.

Hey I’m going to peace out from this blog post for now. If anything exciting happens later during my live election coverage viewing, I shall update this bitch. I guess.