Mr. Gray Guy watching me read a book like a creep.

Ok wow hi hello I am half-buzzed after a gals dinner at Scoglio’s but I wanted to hop on here quickly to give my new webmaster Riley a shout out because he has taken Oh Honestly Erin maintenance from Henry! If you’re viewing this on mobile you might not see a difference but if you’re on a computer and viewing OHE from a browser, you might notice that it finally doesn’t look like trash anymore!!

Henry spent mths trying to rebuild a new theme or something who knows but then finally threw his hands up in the air and yelled YOU DO IT THEN to Chooch who obviously knows CSS and within an hour Chooch had most of the worst parts fixed and now he’s working on my smaller requests which made henry say “Yeah the easy part is over, now comes the hard part – working with HER.”

Anyway, I love the random daisies he put in the background! Now I need to make a new header. He said I should make it a vector whatever that means like ok maybe you do that yourself then??!!

Oh wait one more thing I’m so glad everyone is canceling Blake Lively!! I have been saying all these things about her for years ok fine my only beef was that she was the worst part of Gossip Girl but then she married Ryan Reynolds (what a barf bag) and I knew she was truly bad news then.

Um ok that’s all I’m going to bed early I think. Maybe tomorrow I will regale the internet void with more wisdom.

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I have been so pessimistic about life lately, you don’t have to tell me! I have full awareness! But today was like….sort of a good day?? So, I thought maybe it would be wise to document this.

First? I woke up and saw that I lost a pound. OK I’ll take that as a win! Moving on….

Second? So, Chooch was all set to take his driving test but then HENRY THE DOOF couldn’t get the car inspected in time and had to reschedule his appointment for 2 weeks from now (wow, why not just wait until he moves to Philly at that rate?). But then!! Corey said that he would take Chooch so that Chooch could use his car, so Chooch was able to reschedule AGAIN but this time ended up getting an appointment a day sooner than his original one!

At first, Chooch was like, “Well wait, this won’t work though because I need to be with a legal guardian” and Henry and I just stared at him like come on, we know you’re smart….

“Oh! I’m 18, never mind.”

There it is.

Anyway, his appointment was this morning in Belle Vernon. I was on my way home from my pre-work walk when they drove past me, Chooch laying on the horn and Corey hanging his whole torso out the passenger window and waving both arms at me like a fucking mattress factory balloon guy. I was just like, “OMG are they going to make it there??” and also, “UGH I wish I was in the car, too!” It looked like the best kind of chaos.

Then Chooch texted me that he forgot to put his turn signal on when he pulling out AFTER parallel parking and thought for sure he failed but he passed! On his first try! I failed mine the first time because I didn’t stop for a full 3 seconds at a fucking stop sign. Ugh.

I was telling Margie at work that I didn’t get mine until I was almost 19 and she was like, “why” and I said, “Uh, I just wasn’t interested but then I moved out when I was 18 and realized I needed a car to get to work…” and she was like, “Makes sense.”

“OK fine, I was a ‘bad kid’ in high school and my mom wouldn’t let me get my license because ‘I couldn’t be trusted’,” I said, scoffing out loud while I was typing that, as if I wasn’t talking about the same Vintage Erin who wanted to join a girl gang.

I LOVE that Proud Uncle Corey was zealously shooting shots for the DMV section of the Chooch 2024 Yearbook.

Um, apparently they used the height that was listed on Chooch’s permit from a year + ago (he had to get it renewed because it lapsed once) which was 5’6″. He asked to get it changed and the clerk said it was OK if it was only within a 3inch difference and he said, “OK but it’s 4inches” and HOW did he grow 4 inches in that time?! Ugh. Anyway, she told him he would have to get PennDot to change it so now he’s annoyed.

LOLOLOL. Henry was on our LIST today. OK, every day.

The third good thing? My team and I got our presentation over with today. We had two 20 minutes presentations to give to the department for a Core Knowledge series and I am horrific at public speaking even though 90% of these people are my bros, it still is a very shaky thing for me and we knew about this since the day after Memorial Day (oh, best believe it’s seared into my memory) so please know that in addition to Drew dying, this has obliterated my entire summer. I’m not even exaggerating, the amount of stress it has caused me, and the breakdowns I have had, and the “MAYBE I SHOULD QUIT” freakouts that Henry has had to pull me out of….it’s been a doozy of a summer. But guess what, they happened  today. I survived. It wasn’t even as bad as I anticipated. And I never want to do it again, lol.

But yeah, what a weight off my shoulders. One less thing  that was making me feel like a shadow of myself so I’m eager to go back to therapy next week and tell my therapist that I did it just like she said I could! I am a CHILD!

And bonus good thing: I took the day off tomorrow (I scheduled it IMMEDIATELY after we settled on a date for the presentation because I knew I would a mental health day, big fucking cry baby that I am) and I am so happy about it. I think Chooch and I are going to Laurel Caverns! I want to try and do as many fun/dumb things as possible before he leaves next month, especially since this summer in general has been a hot mess express.

 

 

 

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Last May? June? I bought cheap(ish) tickets to the last night of the ATEEZ North American tour. I can tell you that my life wasn’t that unhinged then so I had the requisite amount of excitement involved in seeing a kpop group that is mid-tier for me. They are one of those groups where I like all of the songs by them that I have heard but I don’t make a point of watching all of their music show stages or other content, but I do follow a majority of the members on IG and I have a bias.

So, I really should have been more excited about this but as it was, I was just going through the motions and as previously mentioned in the grilled cheese post, I even said I wanted to go home before the show and we really did start to drive out of Chicago but then ended up going back. I hate this for me, you guys. I don’t like feeling this way and I am truly wading through mental quicksand trying to get to the other side of this extended grieving period. (If you had been in our house about an hour ago you’d have seen how I completely lost it over the opening notes of a retrowave song that I haven’t been able to listen to since Drew died and was like, “Let’s experiment and see if I can do it” and then I felt like my body was caving in on itself with how intensely I was shuddering in grief and  then I had to run away from Henry because I was a total snot faucet. Man, it hurts so much still.)

Luckily, I don’t relate ATEEZ to her at all so I didn’t cry AT ALL during their concert which is also concerning though because I usually emote in some way at all concerts no matter what but I just stood there like a zombified husk.

Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely enjoyed it and I’m glad we went because I know in my heart that I would have regERTed it bigly had we actually gone home without seeing them. But it felt weird. I felt uncomfortable, slightly anxious, I was super hot in the entire time, and everything just felt disorienting to me. I can’t explain it. But ATEEZ themselves were incredible performers, the whole show was very theatrical and high-energy, and good lord Jongho has some fucking pipes on him, no wonder why he was my natural bias selection.

Henry texted me from the beer line: “Why is everyone dressed like goth cowboys?” LOL. He knows enough ATEEZ songs to be able to hold his own but knew nothing about their fandom (“What are the fans called??” he asked the next day when I finally started speaking to him at that Ohio diner and he began peppering me with questions about the show that he had stuffed in his back pocket until I was ready to be a functioning human again.) and I’m not sure if he would consider himself an Atiny now but he did say he enjoyed it.

Also, while he was off getting his beer (AND PIZZA, wow, treat yo’self, Kpop Dad), the girl in the….slacks (lol) and silver shirt arrived with her friend and was commenting about how she loves how diverse the ATEEZ fandom is and in my head, I was like, “LOL wait’ll you see who’s sitting to you, hon. The oldest dad’liest fan in the building!”

Goth cowboys.

I don’t really have much else to say about it. Everyone around us was fine. Since I don’t hard-stan ATEEZ, their ‘ments were kind of boring to me but overall, I enjoyed it. Hongjoong has such G-Dragon vibes but in a natural way and not in the sense that I feel like he is consciously trying to be the next gen GD or anything. I would go see them, I think, hopefully when I’m in a better mindset!

SETLIST:

ACT 1:

VCR

• Crazy Form (legit started with my fave!)
• Say My Name
• WIN

Hongjoong + Yunho + San acts

ACT II

• This World
• Wake Up
• Guerilla (Jongho’s parts in this song give me BIG Artifex Pereo vibes, funnily enough) – this started with Hongjoong’s guitar solo which I was not expecting!

MENT 1

• Cyberpunk
• Halazia (this was nuts)

Seonghwa + Yunho + Hongjoong act

ACT III

• It’s You (Yeosang, San, Wooyoung) – I really was all about this

VCR

• Youth (Yunho, Mingi)

VCR

• Everything (Jongho – “Kpop idols can’t sing”)

Wooyoung dance solo

ACT IV

• Silver Light

Crescent Part 2

VCR

• Wave

MENT 3

• Dancing Like Butterfly Wings

VCR

ACT V

• MATZ (Seonghwa, Hongjoong)
• Work (!!!)

MENT 3

• Arriba
• Django
• Bouncy (!!!)
• Wonderland

ENCORE

• Eternal Sunshine / Fireworks / The Real

MENT 4

• Turbulence
• Dreamy Day
• UTOPIA

Now that I have typed out the setlist, I can see how few songs were played without being broken up by VCRs, acts, ments, etc. That’s fine I guess but again, I don’t hardstan them so it didn’t always hold my interest.

But here are some videos from other people of my fave parts of the night!

OK, I’m done. I just bought tickets to Seventeen (that was hunger games, frfr) and I have to go back to my immersion therapy because I am still so sad since I turned Drew into a Carat and this was our group to hard stan together and now she is gone so I can’t go see them and come home to tell her all about it unless I say it to her urn. FML.

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The hotel we had booked for the last night of our New England Disaster / aka A Prelude to Divorce was in Intervale, NH. This was about a 90 minute drive from Portland, Maine, and it was dusk by the time we set off (after stopping at some chain coffee place outside of Portland because I was firmly settled into my CAFFEINE WITHDRAWL OR DEMON POSSESSION insufferable mood.

I can’t remember the name of this cafe but BLESS UP to them for being open past 7pm.

(Found it! Aroma Joe’s. I can’t even remember what I got now, but it must have been fine because I don’t have any knee-jerk reaction to this name, etc.)

Anyway, the whole entire reason I’m even devoting a blog post to this otherwise boring drive is because once we got to New Hampshire, GPS told Henry to turn left onto what appeared to be a trail – it was fully night by this point, and we weren’t on a highway but just a regular 2-lane road with no street lights and house here and there. Henry flipped out because there was a sign that said the road was closed so he reversed back onto the other road and kept going straight. Now, I did not see where this other road was allegedly roped off or whatever, but as we all know, Henry knows everything and is the best driver in the world so no one questioned this. However, we were now in an area where the reception was sparse so the map froze.

Henry was like, winging it and just putzing along in a direction that could have been leading us off a cliff, who knows. Suddenly, we saw what appeared to be flashing police lights up ahead, and it turned out to be some man standing on the side of the road next to his truck, shining a flashlight at us. I was like, “Wow you didn’t even slow down, he may have been in distress” but Henry was convinced that it was A TRAP.

THEN!! After about another minute, we came upon ANOTHER SIGN that said the road was closed or gave some type of warning. I asked Henry if he remembered what it said and he goes, “No, just that it gave the impression that it was a road we didn’t want to be on.”

So now we had a frozen GPS and two routes that were supposedly blocked off. It gave me a flashback to that horror movie Dead End with Ray Wise?! Were we going to get stuck in a loop on some dark rural road only to find out we’re already dead?!

Anyway, Henry was like, “Fuck this” and turned around and then some truck went flying past us. “I think that was that guy!!!” Henry cried, and we were certain at that point that it really was a trap. Maybe we were supposed to pull over next to that sign to figure out what to do next and then the deranged man would catch up to us in his truck and shoot darts at our tires, impairing our ability to turn around and then we’d all get separated in our frantic dash through the woods to escape him and I’d probably die first and Chooch would survive only to be the next DERANGED TRUCK GUY in the sequel.

DASHCAM FOOTAGE:

OK so now we were headed back the opposite direction and Chooch goes, “Why don’t you try to turn where the GPS wanted you to turn, let’s test it” and Henry was big-mouthing off about this suggestion but then ended up doing it and OH MY FUCKING GOD, it was the entrance to THE MOUNTAINS, essentially and the main road was fine but it was a small side trail that branched off to the left that was gated off. Henry is such a moron!

This drive ended up being such a fun part of the trip though based entirely on the scary factor – it gave big “when the drive to the haunted hayride is scarier than the haunted hayride” vibes and it was exciting. The whole time, Chooch and I were like, “WHAT IF THE GUY IN THE TRUCK IS WAITING FOR US AT THE END??” I mean, nary a car passed us the entire time we were on this road and it wasn’t until near the end when we started seeing signs/entrances for lodges and resorts. So, if anyone wanted to hide in the woods and shoot at Pennsylvanians doing their best to make it to their hotel, this would have been the perfect spot for it.

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Don’t worry, this is the last Maine post. After eating dinner at that one brewery in that one town, we finally made our way to Portland. In one of my initial iterations of the itinerary, I had so much more time allotted for Portland. I wanted to actually, you know, do stuff there. Eat a meal. Drink a beer. Do a thing on the water, maybe. Almost buy things then put them back. Go to an aesthetic cafe for the ‘gram.

But then Henry shook down my carefully considered checklist so that all that was left was the Portland Head Light at sunset. Also, this was now happening on a completely different day too.

Why.

Do.

I.

Bother.

More of these things that I liked. Teeny tomatoes, I don’t even know.

We got there with about an hour to spare and there was only a very light crowd there so we love that

This is like the quintessential lighthouse, right? Like, when you think of lighthouses, this is the one that pops into your mind like it was preloaded into your brain’s ViewFinder from birth.

Some facts:

• it’s the oldest lighthouse in Maine;
• it was first lit in 1791!!!
  • it is home to 5676845674 ghosts (probably)
• it is built of rubblestone, whatever that is;
• it is a NATIONAL HISTORIC CIVIL ENGINEERING LANDMARKS, in case any of engineering g33k5 are reading this

As previously stated when I posed the photos from “the good camera” a few weeks ago, I almost died climbing down the cliff thing to  take these pictures. There were all kinds of old people down there though so I figured, if they found a way, so could I.

(We joked that if this was in South Korea, they’d have a funnicular with a cute character face on it to safely cart people up and down.)

(And then I joked that this could be his post-senior picture session and he was like PLEASE CAN WE MOVE ON FROM SENIOR PICTURES ALREADY.)

Those fucking Crocs.

He spotted Henry (he stayed above) and probably was laughing at something disparaging that we said about him in tandem. We are always on a shared wavelength when it comes to Henry Bullying.

I have a series of shots of him doing weird things with his hand and I thought that he was suddenly inspired to wave to the camera but it turns out he was pretending to “balance the lighthouse on his hand.”

Have you ever seen a series of photos where he smiled so much??

Remembering that he “hates” being photographed.

You can see here that there actually were other people down there with us, which sort of made it feel less treacherous…? A couple was also getting what appeared to be engagement photos taken.

I loved spending time here! It was also notably about an hour out of the day where we didn’t argue. But don’t worry, that would come as soon as we left this park and I started crying about not getting to see Portland and Henry was like THEN TELL ME WHERE TO GO. Um, to hell, obviously?!

I got so fed up and yelled IF YOU WOULD JUST FUCKING PAY ATTENTION WHEN I PUT ON TRAVEL VIDEOS, THEN YOU WOULD GODDAMN KNOW WHERE TO GO WHY DO YOU PUT THIS ON ME and then we ended up just heading out to our hotel in the mountains of New Hampshire which ended up being one of the highlights of the whole trip because it felt like we were in a found footage horror movie where a bickering family TAKES THE WRONG TURN IN THE MOUNTAINS and meets a GORY FATE.

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It’s been an exhausting week. Here is a diner where Henry and I ate a late lunch outside of Toledo Ohio on our way home from a very dysfunctional, straight outta the Sybil playbook overnight trip to Chicago to see ATEEZ where I had a complete nervous breakdown (??? It was some kind of breakdown that’s for sure) in a parking garage in Evanston, IL because we went to a Swedish cafe called Newport House or something and they didn’t have any cinnamon rolls left and I wanted to run out of there in a huff but I am really trying to not revert to those public tantrums so I ordered an iced date & cardamom latte and the barista was so sweet and said she loved my nail polish and that was great but it stop the world from crashing down on me as soon as we left and I started panicking and crying and I threw my latte into a garbage can and kept saying “I just want to go home I just want go home” and Henry was like “I physically cannot drive another 7 hours back home right now please” and then I started screaming in the car that he is the reason Drew is dead and then I wanted to text Wendy and quit my job and I was just spiraling out so fast that I couldn’t get a hold on myself and it just got worse from there once we got to the hotel and then we really were going to leave for real and when Henry stopped at gas station to get me a protein bar, I started sobbing so hard, doubled over onto my backpack, that I thought I was going to need to go to the hospital.

Anyway this is all to say that the next day was also trash and we drove in silence for the first 4 hours until Henry finally convinced me eat and I was just starting to come back around, the grilled cheese literally breathing life into me, when Nate texted me that one of my favorite people ever – Aaron – is leaving our Firm and that just made me depressed all over again.

Nothing feels familiar anymore.

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Dude OK just stop, slow down – I took these top two snaps from the car window as Chooch was taxiing us to our second lighthouse of the day. Just so serene! Was I in a surly, snurfly, sniffly mood still? Hundred percent! But even that screen of psychological disdain I was lurking behind like the silhouette of an 80s star slasher wasn’t so opaque that I couldn’t appreciate nature’s beauty!

Sometimes I think that I could be a boat person, just sitting on a pouf on whatever the deck is called, a starboard or whatever, sipping a bellini and reading some trash novel. But then I remember who I am and how I am unable to unwind and relax like a normal person and I would likely go stir crazy and freak out in the middle of a body of water which will culminate in me belly-flopping off the side of the boat and then having a nervous breakdown because I am terrified of THE THINGS in the SEA. And lakes. And rivers. And ponds. I’m not even too thrilled about public swimming pools, if we’re going all in here.

But I dunno, maybe an hour or two would be nice.

(And then I watch YouTube videos of whales flipping over boats and revert to my original anti-boat stance.)

Yes, I’ve seen beaches and oceans before but Maine just hits different, OK? (I think this was technically Penobscot Bay?)

(Penobscot is amazing to say. Love the mouthfeel.)

We had to park in a little lot and walk through a trail in order to access the lighthouse and it was a very enjoyable walk. Look at these views!

Why can’t I look as loose and cool as Chooch?

I’M ALWAYS TIGHT AND COILED INSTEAD.

Also this Hipstamatic filter makes me look like I have a skin condition.

I want to go back to Maine and just do slow tourism, which is really against everything I believe in, but being here honestly made me wish we had more time so we could just slow down and be outside at our leisure. I just don’t know how to plan trips around … “nothing.” The main purpose is always amusement parks or concerts, sometimes both.

He was super annoyed with me because there were all these little, treacherous paths that went down to the water and he wanted to go down them but I was having jelly-legs and wouldn’t let him. Jelly-legs is how I know I’m truly a mom. (YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME WATCHING THE OLYMPICS, THEY WERE ALL MY CHILDREN.)

I don’t know man. I just kept envisioning him tumbling down there in Instagram reel-format with Culture Club playing on 2x speed.

I realize now that we probably should have been finding people to take a picture of us with Henry too  (LOLOLOL) but I really have been so desperate to get as many photos with Chooch as possible at the risk of making him totally averse to any type of photographical situation for the rest of his life, eschewing family photos with his future family much like my own mother has for her entire adult life.

Taken from lighthousefriends.com: Owls Head Lighthouse is number one on Coastal Living magazine’s most haunted lighthouse list, and there are said to be at least two ghosts at the lighthouse. One is known as the “Little Lady” and is most frequently found in the kitchen or looking out a window. Doors slam, silverware rattles, but people say her presence brings a feeling of peace. The other is thought to be a keeper from beyond the grave.

Of course, we were there on a sunny, blue-sky day in July and nary a spirit was felt. I think in general, lighthouses at night are such a haunting, forlorn presence – ghosts or not!

I saw some old guy standing up here with his good-good camera so then, monkey see monkey do, obviously.

This flag made me mad.

Bitching about me being annoying, I’m sure.

UGH I love nature! I know everyone is like knocking each other out of the way to go to New England in the fall, but the summer!! THE GREENERY!! I loved it. Even though I was/am in such a bad place, I think it was at least a little bit healing for me. The fresh ocean air and sunshine was a lot better than being at home in shitty Brookline, I guess (Although, I missed Penelope terribly and was so concerned about her even though my mom was there because it was the first time leaving her since Drew died.)

Then we went into the gift shop and this is when Chooch gasped at the realization that a LIGHTHOUSE PASSPORT exists and that would have been good to know and a fun family activity (mmm, maybe strike “family”) if we had more time but also I think there are like 50+ lighthouses in Maine so I feel like that would have to be the actual theme of a vacation. Lighthouse Lunacy, or whatever.

I did buy some magnets and a really pretty sea glass pendant that has the Owls Head lighthouse hand painted on it by a local artist (allegedly).

Before heading to Portland, we stopped at a general store so I was able to take a picture of the adjacent, adorable Owls Head post office. Shit, this town was so presh!

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One of the coolest things about taking a trip with 70+ coaster enthusiasts is that there were bound to be a handful of YouTubers in the group. At first, I was not stoked about this because I am, in fact, a SHRINKING VIOLET which is something I was called once about 15 years ago and you know how sometimes when you’re called something that you know you’re not, it sticks with you? This was one of those things, in addition to Christina once saying that I was stand-offish. These are some factors into why I think that in addition to all of my other issues, I think that I am also having an identity crisis and we have added it to the list of goals in therapy: TO BE ME AGAIN.

Whoever that is.

J/K I know she is. She is THAT BITCH and I want her back.

ANYWAY. Where was I?

Oh yeah, bumping (bruised from coasters) elbows with these YouTubers ended up being a blessing because we now have several different POVs of our trip and even a year later, the vlogs are still coming out! GP Coasters just posted their Tusenfryd and Gronalund vlogs and I am here for it.

I was so happy to see our ascent up the iconic Tusenfryd escalator! Especially because I didn’t make it in Tim’s final shot that he posted on the Coaster Crew Instagram so I snagged a screenshot from GP Coasters’ vlog. What makes me even happier is that Kevin and Pam are in the shot! (Also in the shot is that guy in front of me who acted like he hated me for some reason oh yeah because I’m a woman who likes coasters. So threatening.)

Chooch walking without us, as usual.

Henry and me riding Storm for the first time! Looks like Jean and Larry are behind us and Arnold is in front of us with some blurry man I cannot identify. Possibly Eamon?

I can’t believe this was a year ago. Little did I know then that we’d come home, have one decent month, and then the first domino would fall. Goddammit, will I ever have fun again?

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My blog has been intermittently down since Sunday, sparing you the bipolar liveblogs that for sure would have read like the end result of Norman Bates shower-stabbing a keyboard instead of Jamie Lee Curtis’s mom. It was….not a great trip.

But now it’s Tuesday. Back to work, and the day wasn’t too bad. Had my second therapy session (we made a goal to help me feel less dead inside and more importantly WE TALKED ABOUT CHIODOS AT THE END*). Only cried once so far today. Having major Olympics withdrawals as expected.

*(Sorry, I just need to interrupt this post to add how hilarious it is to me that I cried and whined all through my 20s and 30s about not having any friends who were into Warped Tour things and then flashforward to my 40s and my therapist is showing me a picture of her with Craig Owens at Warped Tour.)

All of that doom and gloom aside, Saturday was actually a really nice day so I thought maybe it would be a nice mental massage to recap that day instead of anything right now.

First, Kara dropped by after running the Brookline Breeze to give me a squirrel sticker she saw at a candy store and it was such a nice gesture and always good to see her!

Then it was just a bunch of Olympics-watching until Chooch whined about wanting to drive somewhere so I suggested going to Monongahela, randomly, and getting coffee. My criteria was:

• small town
• river
• cafe

Henry and Chooch were like, “Whatever you say, Boss” and so that is just what we did.

I pointed out this apartment building to them after we parked, and I am 150% positive that I tell them this every time we drive through this area (probably about once a year, actually!), but when I was living in my first apartment in Jefferson Hills called PAYNE HILL, I used to take my ’95 Eagle Talon on joy rides out in this area because the main road (affectionately referred to as River Road) was one of my faves to drive on because you could fucking FLY with nary a chance of running into a cop. And every time I would drive through this town, I would wish I lived in these … octagon digs?

But then I recently learned that it’s essentially a retirement home, so we were joking about that.

“Look, that could be living in an apartment with an American eagle flag grossly flashing its red neck patriotism on my balcony!” I cried. “Look, that could be me who those old people in the gazebo are calling out to happily!”

“You want to be an old man in a motorized scooter?” Chooch asked in a “really?” tone.

Anyway! This Little City Cafe was nice. I was initially going to get a golden latte but at the last minute, I saw that one of the seasonal flava-flavs was orange cream and I love orange-flavored things.

The baristas were both very nice and chill, except the girl one at a certain point started DRAMATICALLY singing along to that god-awful Benson Boone song that I always say that I hate and then it comes on the radio and Henry rudely leaves it on because he doesn’t care that I hate it, and the was she was theatrically riffing along behind the counter was making me uber uncomfy. We were also jokingly reading questions from a Bible Trivia game simultaneously, so it was just a weird combo, thinking about Biblical lepers while this chick was back there in an apron doing a soulful vibrato and steaming oat milk.

We also played one round of Scattergories which I generally love but my brain just doesn’t allow for more than 15 minutes spent on any one activity these days.

Then we walked around the block for a bit because it was a nice day and I wanted to set my sights on Mon’ landmarks and such.

We sat on bleachers at this riverside park thing for a little bit and watched a BEATLES COVER BAND set up. I pointed out how pretty it was, the green trees and the blue sky and the not-so-grossly colored river, how we drive so far sometimes to see beautiful nature when Western PA has it too and Chooch killed the vibe with a succinct “Not really.”

There was no real reason for this, just thought it was aesthetic. I think this was on the side of a MASONS BUILDING, DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Then later that night, it was church festival time. The last day for Henry and Chooch to buy 50/50 tickets and not win. I was excited because THE WURMS were going to be performing and it’s not like I want their autograph or anything but they played there on the last night two years ago (maybe last year too but we were riding Scandinavian coasters then, not realizing how much life was going to suck a year later) and I enjoyed them because they actually sounded decent and they played some fun covers LIKE SECRET AGENT MAN. 

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

Here’s my Instagram update from the night ^^

I sent Chooch back over to request SECRET AGENT MAN and he had to stand there forever until they announced they were taking a break, then he went in for the kill (this was after he gave up and then I accused him of not loving me so he skulked back over to their stage). First, he blanked on the song name and then when he remembered it, whoever he asked said, “Oh man, I don’t know if Johnny knows that one” and Chooch was like, “Well you played it two years ago and my mom loved it” BUT I GUESS THAT DIDN’T DO IT FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING PLAYED IT AND I SAT THERE ALL NIGHT LISTENING TO THEIR ENTIRE SET AND GETTING BIT BY MOSQUITOES FOR NOTHING.

Penelope joined us for off and on though. It was weird to not also have Drew poking around with her. This sucks.

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Kristen’s brother Randall gave us some lighthouse recommendations to hit up after leaving his farm on Sunday, and while I would not consider myself a lighthouse thoosie by any means (although my aunt Susie was heavy into the lighthouse-as-interior-design lifestyle in the 90s so maybe I had a dormant maritime beacon gene in me?) but I really felt like we’d be remiss to blow through Maine on our manic road trip without fixing our eyeballs on at least one sea cliff landmark.

It was Chooch’s turn to drive and he did a good job getting us to the Rockland Breakwater Lighthouse, although I will say that we should have stopped to eat lunch first because we needed it. Picking at our leftover Holy Donut breakfast was just not cutting it and my late afternoon hanger + constant grief + inability to enjoy the little things in life x Henry in general = big explosion on the 7/8 mile ankle-snapping breakwater.

But, enough of Eeyore Erin. Eeyorerin. Let’s just look at some pictures because it was a beautiful day and if I was myself, it was a walk that I would have really enjoyed although I’m not saying that the skipped lunch wouldn’t have presented itself as a mood swing back in “normal times”. I think I still would have snapped out to some lesser extent.

By the time we made it to the actual lighthouse, I was just kind of going through the motions. There was a couple sitting on the rocks with their dog and that made me sad. I mean, obviously we weren’t ever going to be taking Drew to a lighthouse for a family picnic or whatever, but I can’t help but feel resentment every time I see people out in public with their beloved furry family members. So,

I didn’t even get a picture of the actual lighthouse portion of this bitch. Here’s what that part looks like:

Walked the whole way back in silence because Henry and Chooch pissed me off when I tried to act like we were a happy family and attempted to take a group selfie but they were both little bitches about it so I screamed LET’S JUST GO HOME THEN and stormed off ahead of them, weeping quietly behind my sunglasses.

Chooch eventually caught up with me and then we walked together in silence. I wish Henry had fallen into the water.

It really was a dangerous walk though. You had to be very cognizant and aware of each step you took because those rocks were treacherous and there were so many large gaps. Chooch tripped at one point and it gave me hardcore Jello legs.

Me and my wrinkled shirt took our own selfie once we made it back to solid ground, thank you.

We kept seeing these plants everywhere and I was really into them.

The next lighthouse was about 20 minutes away and Chooch continued driving so I was glad to have Henry stuffed in the backseat where he belongs for a bit longer.

My blog is still periodically dying so I’m going to post the next two lighthouses separately because god only knows how long this will still alive.

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After the morning turmoil simmered down and I got my sads out, we finally got to see our friend Kristen for the first time since 2013! She and her husband Christopher are currently staying with her brother on his alpaca farm on the coast of Maine and since we were going to be somewhat in the area, I asked her if she’d be free for a visit and she was!

I will tell you, being around Kristen and in such a tranquil setting was very therapeutic and cathartic. This place was a legit sanctuary and Kristen has such a down-to-earth presence that I finally felt like I was able to get out of my head and out of my own way for the few hours we were there.

First, we got to feed the alpacas and llamas while Kristen explained to us the ins and out of farm life. It was fascinating and definitely something that we were all interested in learning about, as animal lovers.

Chooch got to drive Kristen’s beloved Truckie!

This is the view from the house. Gorgeous! Maine is enchanting. I can’t believe it took me 45 years to get there.

I was cracking up a little a few days before our visit, thinking back to the first time Kristen and I met. I had been friends with her then-boyfriend Matt first (whom I have since fallen out of touch with since I am no longer on Facebook). He and I had become LiveJournal friends back when I was a member of the most pretentious, hifalutin, you-can’t-sit-with-us “Lj Review” group. Basically, you would submit your LJ for review and the community members, an ELITE SOCIETY of linguistic snobs, would rip you to shreds….

….or collectively appreciate you and invite you to join them.

For some reason, these total assholes (and, if we’re being real, cyber bullies) actually liked me and I became one of the few broads invited into the frat house. Matt was one of those frat boys.

Hilariously, there was only one guy who didn’t like me and he said, and I STILL QUOTE THIS TO THIS DAY, “I don’t know why all of you are q-tipping your dickholes over her.”

Yeah, really. Y tho?

Anyway! Flash forward to a few years later, I had just had Chooch (I remember Matt was H O R R I F I E D when I made my pregnancy announcement on LJ, and for good reason if you had known me back then!) and Matt said that he and his girlfriend Kristen were going to be passing through Pittsburgh and asked if Henry and I wanted to meet up! They even brought Chooch some Boston sports baby clothes! So, Henry and I, and this other local LJ guy – Lin – who we were all friends with but honestly his LJ was SO BORING and NARCISSISTIC, went to dinner at The Sharp Edge which was a really cool place to get fancy beers before breweries took over the world. Now, I only drank those fruity Belgium lambic things back then and ALWAYS ordered that when I went to Sharp Edge, so that night was no exception. Matt happily announced that he was going to pay for everyone, and I was like, “Good thing I’m a one-and-done drinker” but then the check came and I happened to glance at it and I saw that my drink was like $30 or something ridic?! Apparently, I had accidentally ordered some special Lambic that was made with limited edition ingredients from some protected fantasy land and sealed with a kiss from God’s lips. I don’t even know what happened there, but Henry muttered, “good job, Erin” which was the alternate title for this blog, by the way.

But yeah, I just remember even then thinking, “Wow, Kristen is amazing and so cool and smart and pretty yet REALLY NICE and easy to talk to!?” That never had been my experience with other people’s girlfriends in the past. Then Kristen and I became friends too so she wasn’t just “Matt’s gf” and even though we only got to hang out once more after that, she and I remained in touch through the years and friendships like that are so cool, aren’t they? Kristen has been such a big support for me over these last few mths, especially through the college process. Having a friend that cares about my kid’s future and education is so amazing!

THEY HAVE YAKS!!

AND DOGS! And a “barn” full of cats! I say “barn” because those it’s luxury digs for those kitties. They are probably living more comfortably than us!

We also got to meet Kristen’s brother who is beyond chill and welcoming, just a cool guy with an incredible eye for design; her niece and nephew; and her husband Christopher who was in a Gatorade commercial with Sidney Crosby and yes that was my big take-away from the day!

I look like a total shrub as usual, but I’m so glad to get this photo together! I can’t believe we got to see Kristen after all this time! Thank god for LiveJournal, honestly. Anytime I tell Chooch about some friend I have in another city, he says, “Let me guess, LiveJournal.” I mean, sometimes it’s Twitter or Instagram or even in some cases, Etsy! But yeah, 90% of the time, it’s gonna be LJ.

I hope that next time, we have more time to hang out. There was so much activity and action going on around us and it was so exciting! But we still had more poorly-planned things to cover on this road trip, so we parted ways in early afternoon and headed off to the first lighthouse of the day. COME BACK LATER FOR THAT.

Also, Kristen, if you ever come back to Pgh for a visit, I’ll let you feed my squirrels!

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Typically, I love summer just as much as I love fall (actually, more so because with fall comes the panic of the looming winter) but you know, this summer has been such trash for me. I have been trying really hard to find and latch on to little moments of happiness, and there have been some, but it has been so hard. Every time I’m alone, I’m crying (like right now) and I know that one day I’ll be OK again and I am actively trying to make strides toward that goal, but Jesus Christ. It feels like I’m doggy paddling in quicksand with ankle weights on.

• The Olympics are bringing me small batches of joy (also anxiety!) but I know that when they end here in a few days, I will have post-Olympics withdrawal as I always do and it’s going to hit worse and harder this time with everything else going on. (Pommel Horse Guy has been my favorite part of the 2024 Olympics! I wish that Judy had been here at least once so that I could have live-blogged on this brokedown piece of shit hacker-addled site like old times.
• I started therapy on Tuesday! I know I said I was starting a few weeks ago but what happened was – the therapist I initially contacted (my 1st choice) had responded right away but then her intake coordinator hadn’t reached out or returned my call. So Henry was like, “Enough of this, here, I found someone else for you” and it was some lady here in Brookline which would have been preferable actually for the sheer convenience of being able to walk there, but after texting with her a few times and filling out her intake forms in the portal, I just….I wasn’t feeling it. She also specializes in LGBTQ+ and then that made me feel guilty, because what if I was taking a spot away from someone who needed it? Also, I specifically said I wasn’t interested in telehealth and she scheduled me for telehealth.  But then, the first therapist pulled through! Her intake person called me two weeks ago and we had a really great chat while getting me set up for an appointment, like it felt as though I was just bullshitting with a friend. So lowkey, so casual. And she asked if I had talked to the therapist yet and I said no, not outside of email, and she goes, “Oh, you are going to love her. She is the best, so chill!” We settled on Tuesdays, and the very next Tuesday happened to be my birthday so I interrupted to say, “Do I have to start next Tuesday though? Because that’s my birthday…” and she goes, “No! Absolutely not. No, don’t do that to yourself!” and we scheduled for the following Tuesday, which was this week. When I say I felt no anxiety walking in there, but just relief, you have to understand that even going to the eye doctor has me feeling faint and vomitous. So the fact that I was this calm, it just tells me that I know on so many levels how much I needed this, how ready I was, and that what I was feeling was RELIEF. Anyway, it went so well. We just chatted about points in my intake form (she was like, “Thank you for writing so much!” and I was like, “That’s kind of my jam….” I mean, I’m a Leo with some level of narcissism come on, we all know it, so of course I’m going to happily write about myself!) and she made me feel so heard and un-crazy.
  • My favorite part though was when the subject of Warped Tour came up and she goes, “OK I have to tell you, I used to go to Warped Tour too! What are some bands you liked?” and we started NAME-DROPPING BANDS TO EACH OTHER AND SHE KNEW EVERY BAND I WAS LISTING AND I KNEW ALL OF HERS TOO and she goes, “This is so cool, I never have anyone to talk to about this stuff!” and I cried, “ME EITHER!” I think this is going to go very well. I feel comfortable talking to her, it wasn’t stiff and stuffy, I didn’t feel judged, she made me feel validated for being this shattered over Drew (“Oh, that is still so fresh! You didn’t wait very long before contacting us – that’s good,” she said, and I go, “I knew I needed help because I haven’t felt this low in a very long time and it’s scaring me” and the weight that was lifted from me just by saying those words out loud to her….)
  • We are going to start EMDR therapy soon and I am sort of anxious about it but also, that’s the reason I sought her out in the first place so I’m also excited to see if it helps.
• We’ve been doing dorm room shopping and I hate it so much. :( I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but Chooch and his roommate have friended each other on Instagram and have been messaging – he plays tennis too! They are not the same major though, which I guess has its pros and cons. What do I know.
• I was so pissed on Sunday because I wanted to “do nature,” “specifically: waterfall” and Henry took us to some place in Raccoon State Park or something and it was just…a dribble? A waterdribble? Here are some pictures from that, but first – as soon as we got there, there was a young guy at the end of the trail next to the lot and he goes, “If you see a lady in a pink neon hat, can you tell her to take the Heritage Trail?” CHOOCH AND I WERE SO EXCITED TO HAVE A MISSION! Henry of course was like, “What? What is happening?” Sadly, we ended up seeing the lady almost immediately (it was a green neon hat, not pink!). I think it might have been the guy’s mom – she looked to be in great shape but she was sweating profusely and looked like she was already several hours into this hike. Chooch gave her the message and she was just like, “*wheezing*” I could totally see this being me and Chooch one day – me being like “Hello I’m in my 50s can you slow down” and him being an able-bodied 20-something parkouring across a mountain face.

The waterfall, I guess.

Stacking rocks.

• Well, I was going to try to keep this sunny and optimistic, but this is something weird that has been making me sad: I have wanted to see the kpop group Seventeen for so long and I knew then they just announced a US tour and instead of being excited, I burst into tears because it’s the group that I used to pretend Drew was a fan of (Carat – that’s their fandom name) so now I’m just sad.
• Megan stopped by Sunday to drop off birthday treats for me and got to meet one of my Buddys as he ran in circles around her, pissed that she was walnut-blocking him.
• After we did the waterdrip thing on Sunday, Henry PURPOSELY passed up the ice cream place I wanted to go to and instead took us to some no name town by a creek where we got ice cream essentially out of the basement of someone’s house, I think?? Look, I feel bad saying this because GRANNY is blind and she seemed like a really sweet lady so I am not going to put them on blast on Yelp or anything but it was possibly the worst softserve I have ever had. It was … not soft? And tasted … off??

Granny and Pee Paw’s, though!

I couldn’t even finish it :( I threw it in the garbage. Of course, right after that, Granny came to the window and asked Henry if he thought the vanilla tasted off and he said NO??

Maybe they were just having an off day. Maybe Pee Paw was out scavenging for fresh ingredients to make a new batch in their ice cream maker:

Well, that’s all for now. The church carnival is happening and usually this paired with the Olympics would be making my head explode with content but…yeah. You know. (I will say there was a very shitty band there last night and one of the songs they performed was Wonderful Night – some broad came out of nowhere and tried to harmonize but the main vocalist was so flat that it ended up sounding even worse and I had to put on my headphones and leave the house. Henry said while I was gone, they did VOLARE and honestly thank god I missed that because it probably would have ruined the song for me. At least right now they’re just playing actual oldies via a DJ.)

 

 

 

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We survived our night in the creepy, country Maine air bnb! I think I mentioned it in the liveblog, but it was the attic floor of a multi-tenant house and it was actually pretty cute, not gonna lie, but also awkward. The bathroom and kitchen were in the same room, which would have been a problem if we were staying here for more than just one night’s sleep. But it also really creeped me out. After we settled in Saturday night, Henry and Chooch left to find a nearby Taco Bell and I was in there alone. The TV wasn’t working (maybe it worked and I just didn’t care to figure it out) and whoever was living downstairs was very quiet, so I walked around silently, getting ready for bed. It was a bit much because, at home, it is never quiet. There is always the TV on downstairs, the radio on upstairs, plus we live on a busy street. So, I asked, “What kind of New England Ghost Story am I about to star in here?” Especially after Henry and Chooch came back – Henry was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, so, two rooms away, and I had just closed my eyes and rolled on my side when I swear to you, I swear on the box of Drew’s ashes that are right next to me here, I heard someone hoarsely whisper from what sounded like the doorway, “Erin!” I quickly rolled around and said, “What? Henry!?” but no one answered. I really thought it was Henry trying to get my attention without yelling through the house since it was “quiet hours” but he said it wasn’t him.

And then as I drifted off to sleep, my last thought was, “I wonder if any of us will survive the night.”

I thought that, if not some supernatural entity, an ax murderer would find his way up our fucking creeptastic attic staircase and slaughter us all.

A corner of our bedroom.

Our haunted bedroom that I tried to post a picture of in the liveblog but my blog was being a picture-rejecting dick that night.

Anyway, we left around 8am that morning and all I wanted to do was stop somewhere to get a small breakfast. “A cafe,” I said. “Surely they have cafes in this town.” And they did, because Henry had gone to one much earlier that morning to get me coffee while I was showering because Henry is my fucking PA in case you didn’t know, also he knows that the sooner I oral-surf the hot waves of caffeine, the less of a sunrise cunt I will be.

Oh, you guys. Oh ho ho ho ho ho why did I think this would be an easy feat? We drove around for what seemed like an hour but wasn’t, it was just that excruciating that time was appearing to stretch like Laffy Taffy but less Laffy and more Stabby. We went to one cafe and the line was long and the cafe was small so it was packed. We went to a bakery that was seemingly being praised by fucking Macron himself for their croissants that rivaled Paris’s own offerings.

BUT IT WAS CLOSED FOR “SUMMER BREAK.”

We followed two elf cosplayers into another spot down the block, but it was mostly bevs with a barely-there pastry counter.

Lots of fighting. Lots of huffing and puffing. And then finally I said, “Let’s just go back to Holy Donut” even though I didn’t want donuts and we had planned on going to one of these places in Portland later that day but honestly, with all the time we wasted looking for a “quick AM snack” so as not to “waste time,” we could have just fucking sat down at a restaurant somewhere. If someone made a Venn of the things we—collectively! not just me and Henry!—fight about, best believe “Food Fights” but more specifically “Breakfast Bickering” is going to take up the most real estate on that bitter pie.

Holy Donut, in case you didn’t know, is a famous Maine donut establishment. There are multiple locations and they are known for making their donuts with potatoes. I’m not the biggest donut connoisseur but these did seem appealing to me. I also appreciate classic flavors and not like, “How many different desserts can we stuff into one donut?” types of offerings, and Holy Donut seemed to lean toward less is more.

We ended up getting a box of 6 because they were buy 5 get 1, and the cashier almost robbed us of this but then someone came out from the back and was like THEY GET A FREE ONE and don’t worry, because I saw the sign and was getting ready to open my big fat Karen mouth anyway. (J/K I’m usually not a Karen unless I’m butting heads with authority and no offense, donut counter guy but I DIDN’T SEE A BADGE.)

The ones I was most interested in was “blueberry glazed” which was a blueberry donut with blueberry glaze, a vegan lemon, and a blueberry donut with LEMON glaze. Can you tell what my favorite flavors are.

Sadly though, and this is kind of hard to explain, but I am currently averse to blueberries? I am suddenly associating them with Drew and I literally feel a punch to the gut when I think of blueberries. I don’t know if it’s because, right up to the morning of her death, I was regularly making blueberry smoothies for breakfast and she would always stand in the kitchen and cry-meow because she wanted her treats, or trits, or T-R-I-T-Ses which she knew was just me spelling “trits” so even then she would start meowing because she wanted them. And then I was always snacking on either fresh or frozen blueberries throughout the day and in fact, there are still two cartons of frozen blueberries in the freezer which have gone untouched since July 1 because I just feel like my stomach is coming up my throat every time I see them.

Anyway.

This is all to say that the blueberry ones were just not bringing me happiness.

But the lemon vegan one? OUT OF THIS GODDAMN WORLD. If they had served it after the Astrosphere ride at Funtown,  that would have been all the incentive I needed to sign my name in blood on whatever Scientology sign-up sheet they pushed under my nose. My soul for a lemon vegan donut? You got it. You can have my 401K too, Alien Drummer.

Anyway, this opinion wouldn’t be formed until much later in the day because I was still IN A MOOD and only took a small bite out of the blueberry² donut before tossing it back in the box and declaring that I didn’t even want a donut and then proceeding to silently cry the whole way to our friend Kristen’s brother’s alpaca farm on the coast of Maine, which is what we’ll talk about next time.

 

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This part of Saturday night was frustrating. I had a plan and as per usual Henry decided to wipe his ass with it and go rogue. We were supposed to go to Portland after Funtown, have dinner, look at the lighthouse, do fun and cool city stuff. But Henry was like WE WILL INSTEAD GO TO THAT BEACH PLACE YOU MENTIONED and like, yeah, I mentioned it but that was for Sunday night?! When it would probably be less crowded?

So, we get there and it’s crowded (surprise) and Henry was being so annoying about parking. I lost it and cried, “JUST FORGET IT, LET’S JUST GO TO THE AIRBNB” and he was like “AT 7:OOPM?? AND THEN JUST STAY THERE?!” because it was in the middle of nowhere with stuff to do. So then after he started to head toward that way, I was like FINE JUST GO BACK and so we did but it was annoying and crowded and honestly, I just didn’t like the vibes.

The actual area is called Old Orchard Beach, btw, and it is NO WILDWOOD, NJ, that I will tell you. I was hoping for Big Beach Energy but it wasn’t that. It felt like a county fair, but put it next to the beach.

We didn’t spend much time here. We had three coaster creds to scoop up – Henry opted out because we had to pay per ride and he is El Cheapo.

Thrilled.

This Orient Express was actually kind of forceful!?

I don’t know why Henry took so many pictures.

And a video:

Then we rode an SBF Visa Spinner. It was fine. Didn’t spin much and you can tell we are just so excited to be there riding a coaster model we’ve ridden 87 times.

This place was very crowded. It was like the Jersey Shore but with Maine accents and lots of French-Canadian tourists.

The main attraction was SEA VIPER:

I really enjoyed this! It was wild and not nearly as uncomfortable or janky as I had it pegged to be by scoping it out from line. And for one-train ops, the wait actually wasn’t that bad – maybe 25 minutes?

I loved this flat ride the most though!! YOU CAN TELL, BECAUSE I AM ACTUALLY SMILING!

Then we also did a realllllly lame funhouse (sorry, but Europe spoiled us with funhouses!!) and then walked down some pier thing with restaurants that had no food for vegetarians, and then we got coffee from some old woman at a snack counter. She was nice. The coffee was OK.

God, I was in such a foul mood though. I was hungry but not, I was sad but angry, I was tired but bored. Nothing was making me happy. I actually flipped out right after Henry took this picture because people were walking by and I was like HURRY UP AND TAKE THE PICTURE and then I decided NEVER MIND JUST FORGET IT and I walked away while Chooch was still sitting there, like, “I thought you wanted a picture here…?” and YOU KNOW WHAT, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WANTED.

So then we left and started to make our way to the airbnb in Westbrook, Maine which was about 20 minutes away and I cried in the passenger seat while occasionally snarling shitty remarks at Henry in the stylings of Teenage Girl Possessed by the Devil, because that is just what I do now. Where is my Olympic gold for being the GOAT at crying on the spot while verbally eviscerating Henry. This bitch can multi-task.

OH I WAS ALSO PISSED BECAUSE MY BLOG WAS BROKEN AND I WAS TRYING TO LIVE BLOG AND WHY IS EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BREAKING/DYING/LEAVING/ETC.

Look at these beautiful memories I’ve been making this summer.

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Our first stop in Maine was a town called Saco where a small amusement park called FUNTOWN SPLASHTOWN lives. You gotta know we planned this trip around roller coasters! Originally, we were also going to go to La Ronde in Montreal, but that is infamously known as the WORST Six Flags park in their entire roster and we figured if we’re going to go to Montreal for the first time, we want more time to actually see the city AND we’d prefer going to the park on a weekday NOT a Saturday. Well, Henry decided this unilaterally, I should say. And then continued to change the itinerary every step of the way, BUT THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE, RIGHT???

Don’t mind me, sitting over here at my desk blowing piping hot steam out of my nose like your average pissed off cartoon bull.

I also want to interrupt myself here to say that I thought it was fun that the state line was in the middle of a bridge! Look at me, being positive and highlighting the little things. Whoop-de-doo.

Well, I guess I will try to leave my negativity re: trip planning at the door for this one because we actually did have a really nice time once Henry stopped screaming at Chooch for “following the GPS directions” which were taking to us to the destination that would come after this one, but every time Chooch asked him, “Then which way should I go?” Henry wouldn’t answer?!! Lots of screaming ensuing.

Then Henry was all controlling about where we parked and Chooch was like, “I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING” and Henry was like, “TURN DOWN THIS AISLE!” and like, bro, the parking lot was not even that big. It truly did not matter where we parked. I was about to open the door and barrel-roll onto the gravel just to get away from the backseat drill sargeant.

S H E E S H.

Can we talk for a second about the awesome lettering/font they used here? I love it so much. It has 90’s Nick-vibes, like Doug Funny might be here with Patty Mayonnaise and the gang on a school field trip.

Since we had arrived around 4PM, we were able to get the discounted evening tickets which was a pretty decent savings! This was especially good for us because we knew this wasn’t a full-day park and that we were not going to be staying that long. (Originally, we were going to go to Portland from here and spend the evening there, but don’t worry – Henry fucked that all up UNILATERALLY as he was wont to do on this entire road trip that was meant to celebrate my birthday and help cheer me up but then ended up doing none of those things, so, good job Henry. Hope you haven’t started that travel agency yet unless it’s specifically for people who want to punish themselves under the guise of “vacationing.”)

My very first impression was neutral, I guess. There isn’t a real defined “entrance” or anything – you walk through the gate and everything is just kind of there, no rhyme or reason. No defined sections. Go left for waterpark stuff. Shitter straight ahead. Everything else, to the right and good luck. Of course, Henry had to pee straight away so we walked in and came to an abrupt halt like lost tourists while he did his thing.

Almost immediately, we came upon the new for 2023 darkride, Whispering Pines. SO HERE’S THE THING: It appears that every fucking coaster YouTuber had the same idea as us and did some rando’ New England coaster tour in the weeks leading up to our own trip, so I was watching a bunch of content prior to this and people were straight up q-tipping their pee holes over this ride. “OMG it’s Disney-caliber!” “I can’t believe this ride is here in this tiny nugu* area of Maine!” “I rode it 4x because it’s so fucking good!” “USA Today ranked it #6 of the best new attractions for 2023!”

*(nugu in Korean means “who?” and it’s what people call rookie/unknown kpop groups when they’re trying to be derogatory. Like, “Wow, that nugu group really just became Gucci embassadors? Who is their company paying off?”)

OK so I went into this with my hopes way too high, like maybe my hopes could have tried a few drops of CBD oil first before going so hard, but OK. There were three pre-teen kids in front of us and they were REAL hype boys for this ride, telling me, “IT’S SCARY!” etc etc and I was like, “Mmm, I’ll be the judge of that.”

I mean, I appreciated the Shining-esque carpeting in the queue line! That whole vibe was great.

And OK honestly? It was cool for a new dark ride in some nugu park. For sure. But was I crapping my pants and buying postcards to send home about this? “I CRAPPED MY PANTS ON A DARK RIDE IN MAINE! WISH YOU WERE HERE.”

Like…no. No, I wasn’t. IT WAS A SHOOTER RIDE AND THE GUNS WEREN’T EVEN WORKING.

Also, I hate shooter dark rides. I just want to sit back and relax on a dark ride. And I’m not even that picky, either! Stick me in a Pretzel car and send me through a veritable walk-in closet full of 1960s K-Mart Halloween props, turn on some strobe lights, and splash some day-glo paint on a wall in harlequin shapes and I am golden. And make it stink of musty sweaters and fog machines.

Apparently, this bothered me on a subconscious level because I actually had a dream the other night that I was so let down by this dark ride that I MADE MY OWN that was so scary I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I woke up.

I’ve really been wanting to quit my job lately and maybe this is my calling!? DESIGNING DARKRIDES?! SALLY,, YOU HIRING? I have absolutely no industry experience but I have been going to haunted house since 1994 and watching horror movies since before I could even walk so I’m sure I have something to offer. Also, let’s not forget that I was a member of DAFE (Darkride and Funhouse Enthusiasts!) for like, two whole seasons.

OK, we have to move on from that topic. Next, we went on Wild Mouse. It was a standard Wild Mouse. Ops actually weren’t terrible. There was a straight-up carny running this piece and he was giving Kirk vibes. It was OK. I appreciated the color scheme.

The entire reason we came to this park was for their woodie, Excalibur. I really loved this area!! Not gonna lie, most of the park was just like if Henry’s mom was playing Roller Coaster Tycoon for the first time and just dropped everything down into an asphalt lot, willy nilly, eschewed all landscaping and was content with the park itself looking just like an extension of the parking lot. Not memorable. Kind of ugly.

But then oh what’s this, motherfucking Camelot? OK, I see you, Funtown. I see your fucking sword in the stone….or whatever.

THE STATION IS A CASTLE. Also, there is no other ride over here so it’s a real chill area. It’s where the cool coaster kids go to hang, you know? Like the mall on a Friday night in 1995.

The queues were set up interestingly – four rows: one for the first row, two for the rows in the middle, and one for the back row. There weren’t a lot of people there but it was one train ops and woo boy, those ops were like, “Hey-o, we’re in the land of the maple syrup so let’s move like it.” Chooch and I got in the queue for the back row and it took quite some time. Not to mention the people with passes who were allowed to just stay on as long as they changed seats so it was almost every single cycle, seats were being taken away from the people who were in line. I don’t even think it was a “fast pass” – it sounded like the ride ops were telling someone that they’re “members” and on top of that, they had the THOOSIE look to them: dorky and entitled. (Sorry my coaster brethren, but you know it’s true!)

Guys, I low-key hated this coaster. It’s been said that it’s like the New England version of Raven, which I love, but JeezUS. I could actually feel my brain bouncing back and forth inside my skull. When we came back to the station, Henry was in the front row to ride next so Chooch was like, “Suddenly I care about my dad now, see ya” and dumped me like a sack of potatoes (which is what I’m mistaken for quite often actually) to go slide into the empty seat next to him. I was like EXCUSE ME, THIS ISN’T CHILD SWAP?? but also I didn’t really want to ride it again so jealousy did not have a place here for once.

I thought I could run back around (PUT ME IN THE DUNGEON, I DON’T CARE) to the “observation deck” or whatever so that I could take a picture of them while they were still in the station, but this fucking Sir Putzalot idiot got in my way and I kept doing the IN A HURRY shuffle behind him before finally gasping EXCUSE ME and shouldering past him. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. I was unrealistically pissed off about this which I was going to blame on my current fucked up psycho mindset but honestly I would have reacted like this no matter what. That was just me being me.

WAIT, WTF IS THIS PHOTO SPOT OVER THERE?? Ugh, I didn’t know that existed – I wouldn’t have had to run all the way back to the damn entrance!!

Whatever.

This happened much later, but I want to say that I’m glad I decided to give this a second chance because I ended up loving it. I rode it with Henry third row from the back and it was so much better, except that we had to suffer through an entire family of line-jumpers – can’t stand you, mothercheffers!! But yeah, second time around was so much better and I actually wanted to ride it again but then line got really long after that for some dumb reason and no one wanted to wait with me so I pouted.

I loved this picture behind me – haunting.

Basically Potato Patch fries. Chooch and I both got mucho sick after eating this. BUT WE STILL NEEDED TO RIDE THE CAROUSEL.

Longest, most boring carousel. There were kids that were actually begging to stay on. Gross.

Also around this time, we went to the gift shop which was STRANGE AND BIZARRE. There was what I can only describe as a CRYSTAL COUNTER with its very own CRYSTAL DEALER. She was…not a Funtown employee, I refuse to believe it. She used to have a crystals and windchimes shop in the mountains but was run out of the area by rogue maple syrup pirates and was forced to move her wares into a shared space with Funtown beach towels and magnets.

There was also a super screamy kid in the gift shop and its grandma pulled it outside but then stood with it at the door so we could all still hear it shrieking. It was so rude! Like, hello, crystal lady is trying to ring up my fucking magnet and Chooch’s Funtown collector’s pen while attempting to hide her disappointment that none of us opted to throw in a chakra marble, could you NOT let your grandthing wail like that?

OK OK OK LISTEN UP. CHOOCH AND I ALMOST DIDN’T RIDE ASTROSPHERE BECAUSE THE LINE SEEMED LONG AND ALSO WE WERE STILL GESTATING FRENCH FRY FETUSES. But then I was like, “Look son, if we don’t ride this basic indoor Scrambler that we’ve done at numerous other parks (OK like three other parks) we might live to regret it.”

It was in this line that I really started to notice the clientele here at Funtown.  I don’t know if I was expecting fishermen and like, the Kennedys-on-holidays or what, but that’s certainly not what we were seeing here. Henry texted me while we were in line and was like, “I feel like we’re like in rural Indiana.”  The people in this line in particular were really creeping me out. Lots of early 2000s nu metal aesthetic.

Then there was this uncomfortable interaction between two young boys behind us and another young boy that was far enough ahead of us that he was technically next to us on the other side of the railing. Anyway, I couldn’t really figure out what was going on but I think they must have met each other earlier in the day in another line and the kid in front of us was like, “Hello <name> do you remember my name?” and the kid behind us DID NOT so the other kid had to reintroduce himself and then the mom was like pretending to care about the things the kid behind us was saying and it was so fake, and then then kid behind us was like, “Hey <name> do you want to ride this with us” and that kid (I feel like his name was Joel) literally SNAPPED, “No, I promised my mom I would ride with her, so.” It was such an uncomfortable rejection and I couldn’t understand why that kid had changed his attitude so quickly when he was the one who initiated the conversation in the first place?? And then he saw some other kid he knew too and was acting like the mayor of Funtown and…no, kid, just no. You are not cool.

Anyway, he and his mom got to ride one cycle before us and when they got off the ride, they walked right past the kid behind me with NO ACKNOWEDGEMENT. I was Team Kid Behind Us. Joel was not that great and his mom seemed like a PTA mom who acts like she has lots of power but really she’s just the one that makes sure the bake sales are NUT & GLUTEN FREE.

Holding our stuff and judging people, and also probably wondering if lobster trappers make more money than Faygo pushers.

OK finally it was our turn!! The ride operator made a big production of counting a certain number of us and having us enter the building and stand against the wall. He then gave us the spiel about strobe lights, etc. and told us to put our arms up in an X if we wanted the ride to stop at any point. I was like, “Jesus Christ, where’s the waiver” because there were so many warnings.

YO. This ride, though. Every other ride like this has been pretty much the same – just a scrambler in the dark with flashing lights and LOUD ASS POP MUSIC PLAYING. I have unfortunate memories of Party in the USA playing on the one we rode at Knoebel’s once and just totally killing the vibe.

But this one. Holy shit. First of all – the music. It was some kind of 1970s prog rock psychedelic opera which I didn’t know at the time was ELO but Henry was like “THIS IS A REAL SONG” and is now sad that he didn’t ride this with us because maybe it would have given him a chance to relive his golden stoner years. But this song was perfect for this ride and made me feel like I was in a reefer van getting geared up for a climax at Spahn Ranch. But then!! The projections started! Totally warped outer space bullshit. Skulls! Aliens! Probably what the first known sketch of the Demogorgon looked like. Weird astral bullshit. Did a science teacher design this ride after seeing one Pink Floyd lightshow?? It was like “Spencer’s, but make it a lightshow and leave out the dicks.”  Chooch and I were laughing so hard – this was the hardest I had laughed in MONTHS, the first time since the end of June that I wasn’t thinking about Drew, crying about Drew, feeling panicked, depressed, angry, lost. OMG WAS I JUST CONVERTED TO SOME FRINGE MAINE LIGHTHOUSE RELIGION???

We were fucking CACKLING the whole time and wheezing, “WTF IS THAT??” Clipart-palooza. Glad I bought a ticket, wish I had a commemorative shirt. 100% in the Top 3 best moments of the weekend. Amazing.

Well, let’s look at some scenery, and then say goodbye to Funtown.

What a weird little park.

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