I woke up so happy as soon as I remembered it was Friday. It’s been another long week. We cherish the Fridays.  Let’s Friday Five it out!!

I.

Our friend Marlene is having hip replacement surgery next week, so Megan, Debby and I went to her house last night to hang out with her. I love Marlene so much. She is in a lot of pain and really anxious to get this surgery done and over with, yet she was still in good spirits and her humor was just as biting and sharp as ever! Marlene is honestly goals.

I even went to TRADER JOE’S the night before to get some snacks to bring but ended up so overwhelmed and angry (I hate grocery stores in general but this one really angers me plus one of the worker girls was in my fucking way every time I turned around and I ranted about it for a solid 10 minutes after we left, culminating in me shouting, “JUST GO IN THE BACK AND STOCK SOMETHING IN THE FUCKING DUMPSTER” which I didn’t think was that funny but Henry did and actually laughed out loud and then that annoyed me too.

Anyway,  I ended up bringing two loaves of the delicious bread that is freshly baked several times a day at JMart down the street from us. We love this bread – I think it might be Uzbek? Those in the know (WE ARE IN THE KNOW, IS WHAT I AM HUMBLY ALLUDING TO HERE) will arrive at JMart around the time the bread is baked because it usually sells out before they even have a chance to put it on the shelves. We just happened to be there once when there WAS a loaf of it out on display, devoured it like barbarians within minutes of bringing it home, and then obsessively tried to buy it again after that. Henry finally asked one time when were there buying walnuts for my squirrels (lol) when the bread would be available again and the owner’s son gave us a hush-hush pro tip. Anway, Henry stopped there yesterday on his way home from work, had to wait in line for 30 minutes, but ultimately procured three loaves – two for me to take to Marlene’s and one for him to eat at his leisure lol – and it ended up being a hit even though Marlene was scared when I started my explanation of the bread with, “OK, just hear me out—”

But yeah, it was such a nice, cozy evening. I always enjoy hearing stories of Marlene’s youth, and Debby was telling us about how she and some others used to watch The Young and the Restless on a tiny B&W TV in the law firm’s breakroom in the 80s (yes, Debby had been working here for that long!).

And we learned that even though Marlene HATES cheese (weirdo!) she does enjoy cheese popcorn.

“Because it’s not real cheese,” she shrugged.

Here’s hoping her surgery goes well and that she’ll be back on her feet in no time!

II.

I snagged two tickets for the Toronto date of the upcoming Stray Kids tour (and a complimentary stress headache from Ticketmaster) and I am so stoked!!

We saw them in 2022 and it was such an amazing show that even Henry, who didn’t know TOO much about them at the time, walked away a Stay. (Well, maybe – I think he will only commit to being a Carat. He doesn’t have the energy to multi-stan.)

III.

I lost my mind this afternoon over Drew and started crying so uncontrollably that I gave myself a grief headache on top of the stress headache from Ticketmaster. I am so depressed. Adding to this depression and free-fall into midlife crisis’ing, I was unable to thread a needle this morning and burst into tears because it was so frustrating and OMG my eyes.

IV.

Did I really frame a Polaroid of me when I was 4, my best year, wearing my favorite dress and looking my best before I mutated in a fat and frumpy doof and my chin finished developing into its final Jay Leno form? Yes I certainly did.

But the other side is my grandparents at least. I love this picture of them because my Pappap is playfully (trust me it’s playful) pretending to slap her and some unknown hand is holding him back. At least – this is what I have always assumed was happening here. And I have always loved this picture so much. I miss my Pappap.

I know Temu is a no-no-mu, but I sure love these acrylic frames they sell.

V.

Can we end with two new songs from G-DRAGON (FEAT. TAEYANG AND DAESUNG) AND WONHO???? Yes, yes, we can. Happy pre-weekending! I’ll be catching up on the MAMA Award performances, my traditional pre-Thanksgiving tradition!

*******

Well, I’d like to note that I might have woken up happy but it’s now 7:24pm and I’m the exact opposite of happy. I’m sick of the way my job makes me feel.

Everything makes me cry anymore. Is it just that this year has been like a piñata stuffed with bad news and dread and devastating loss or am I perimenopausal. I don’t know but I am tired of feeling so many emotions constantly! I just want another day like Saturday where I feel calm and at peace without a fucking projector reel of trauma spinning out behind my eyes.

Even things that make me happy are also making me sad. Seventeen? I love them but I’m also sitting here and crying because they’re in their military era, because S.Coups couldn’t join them on Na Na Tour last year because of his injury rehab, because seeing them in Chicago was one of the best moments of my life but it was so fleeting.

I’m happy that Chooch is loving college life but I’m sad because I’m still here being depressed about Drew Beringer dying and I miss Chooch so much on top of that and nothing feels right in this house.

Please don’t tell Henry I am saying this but he is the only stable and familiar thing in my life right now. Everything else feels so weird and not right. This house. My job. My body. My brain.

I know it’s weird to put these things in a calendar constraint – like the year has anything to do with it, like January 1 will actually reset anything and make things ok again. But I really am looking forward to putting 2024 in the past. If I can get through even one day next year without crying, then it will already be better than this year.

There was no real point to this. Just feeling weird.

This new NCT Dream song has taken over my life. I am haunted. Renjun’s part in the beginning, the way he says “you” specifically, the fact that Haechan wrote these lyrics. All of these things paired with the DARK SYNTH OF MY YOUTH and I am down for the count.

Can someone please melt down Renjun’s voice and inject it into my heart, thank you. I think it’s the only thing that can heal me. I need to keep it in a flask.

Anyway, it was killing me over the weekend but I finally realized that this reminds me of a synthpop song that I was OBSESSED WITH when Henry and I first started dating and I was super into dark synth. That chime at the 1:15 mark goes right through me in the best “Bourbon in a cavity” type of way. Like when you are already so fucking depressed about something and you keep purposely listening to sad music to make it worse?? I know that’s not just me.

I found this on Spotify when we were driving to Cleveland on Saturday and it was suddenly winter 2002 again, whatever synthpop compilation this song was on playing on repeat in my CD player, and me laying on the floor crying.

You know, the uje.

Saturday was one of the most calm and emotionally mellow days I’ve had this year. I don’t know if that’s progress or if I’m just shutting down – lol – but it was a day of little to no complaints which is all I can ask for anymore.

Henry and I left the house around 8AM and drove to Cleveland in search of Korean beer for Chingumas. Pennsylvania is so fucking annoying and the Asian markets – at least here in Pgh – don’t sell alcohol. We got a few 6-packs from H-Mart in Chicago last month but still need more. It’s just so fucking hard to find not to mention expensive! Everything else Korean is so popular and common now in the US but alcohol, ugh. But I remembered that last year we went to a small and I do mean tiny Korean corner store and snatched up some last minute makgeolli and soju for the inaugural Chingumas, and they had K-beer there as well. So, it was a daytrip date for The Empty Nesters. Sigh.

The only thing you missed from the car ride was:

• me obsessing over the new NCT Dream album, most notably the song “Best of Me” and then using up every ounce of brain juice I had in reserves to recall the synthpop song it reminds me of (“Can’t Tell” by MindSideOut, fyi).
• me obsessing over my bulging veins in my hands because I desperately needed to drink water and then I started screaming, “My veins are varicosing!!!” and Henry was oddly mad about this and called me a liar. Trump gets re-elected and Henry’s already asserting his white maleness. Yay.
• my phone getting an event alert that WOLFENOOT is upcoming. Since my phone was connected to the car, this also popped up on the screen for Henry to see and he goes, “WOLFENWHAT??” and I had to explain to him that something like 10 years ago, someone posted on Twitter that their kid invented a holiday called WOLFENOOT, observed annually on 11-23, and I set a reminder in my phone so that I too could celebrate this lovely imaginary holiday except that I have failed to celebrate it even once in all these, so Henry goes, “Why don’t you just….delete the reminder?” AS IF.
  • I wonder if that kid even still celebrates it. What if I am the only one in the world who still even has it on the calendar??
    • OK I just googled it because I couldn’t even remember the purpose of this holiday and now that I’m reminded of its cause, I think I should try to observe it for real this year but I AM NOT EATING ROASTED MEAT.

It felt like it took so much longer to get to Cleveland than usual. Did it always take 2 hours?! I feel like it used to be a 90 minute drive!? Anyway, our first stop was Vegan Doughnuts (I wish they had had a contest to help them come up with a better name than that because I would have entered with a quickness). We arrived at the Lakewood location around 10:45 and I was so happy to see that it now has its own storefront and isn’t squatting inside that Brewnuts place which is where we had to go 2 years ago to get their donuts and it was full of pretentious craft beer day drinkers and I loved the aesthetic but HATED the vibes.

Now, I feel that on any other given day, our Erin would have reacted to this is a very different way, but when we walked to the donut place and saw that there was a sign that said “restocking, be back at 11:15” I simply shrieked “OH COME ON!!!!” and then agreed to just walk around the area instead of starting a fire to the entire block while screaming LET’S JUST GO HOME and then spending the next 2 hours back in the car, pouting and scowling out the window.

I’m getting there, you guys! I’m getting there.

So, we went for a walk and saw this amazingly frightening storefront. The place was called Hixson’s – I have no idea what kind of store it was. Henry’s guess was “Stained glass” – I’m too ambivalent to google.

When we got back to the donut place, it was 11:13 and a LINE HAD ACCUMULATED. Again, I started to get bent out of shape, but Henry was like, “It’s not that bad” to which I said, “YEAH BUT THERE ARE SMALL KIDS IN THE LINE ALSO” but I sighed heavily and got in line anyway. And he was right – it was not that bad. We only had to stand outside for about 5 minutes before the door was opened to us and since it’s just donuts or GTFO, the line moved swiftly. Within another 5 minutes, it was our turn and even after I was cursing people under my breath for taking ones I wanted, everything I wanted was still available and even better – when I inquired about the empty raspberry strudel section, the super friendly donut girl said there were more in the back and that if we were ok with waiting a few minutes, she’d bring one out to us! It was a donut miracle!

And on this day, I learned that being patient and leaving my hateful comments at the curb, I too could enjoy the donut I most wanted.

Resting donut face.

Seriously, who looks that pissed at a donut shop!?!? He wasn’t even mad about anything that day except that I think he was annoyed with everyone else in line with us and that was valid, believe me. I am just trying to be a better person or else I would have typed a few paragraphs about the donut waiting room.

Old-fashioned, Boston Creme (ugh, Henry’s choice), apple cider, lemon lavender. Not pictured – the raspberry strudel which came out to us in a separate bag.

Yo, I say this every time I have a donut, that I am really not a donut person but these donuts are just SO GOOD. The lemon lavender was my fave – I loved how bright the lemon flavor was and how soft and chewy the dough is. Honestly worth the drive especially if you’re looking for vegan donuts specifically, but these are even more delicious than a lot of non-vegan donuts I’ve had, really.

Plus!! It’s owned by a Black woman and I love to support that.

Then we went to Kim’s and got four 6 packs of beer. It was slim-pickins. But the older couple who run that shop are so nice and it was a pleasant experience so not a total bust. We also went to another larger Asian market (the one where I first found the BIGBANG iced tea bottles all those years ago!) but they do not have ANY alcohol. We did get some snacks for the drive home though.

The rest of the evening was spent watching Seventeen’s Nana Tour on Viki (it is wild having Henry hard stan a Kpop group and not just casually being a fan from a distance) and sharing Belgian beers which was easier to procure than Korean beers, sigh.

1. The Past Should Stay Dead: An Example

Chiodos is doing a 20-anniversay tour for their album All’s Well That Ends Well and anyone who knew early 2000s Erin knows that this album was SO IMPORTANT to me. I have lyrics from it tattooed on my dumbo arm for Christ’s sake. I really considered getting tickets for the Pgh show in April but you guys, the only OG member left is the singer Craig Owens, who actually had left the band because he is so freaking horrific to work with and the remaining members continued on with a new singer – OK you don’t care, it doesn’t matter, the point is that the band in its original context dissolved and when I heard that they had “reunited,” I was like, “Oh, it’s just Craig now and all new people. No thanks.” Because Chiodos was one of those bands where it wasn’t just the singer that you’d latch on to – all of the members were larger than life, disgustingly talented, personable, etc. So for me, it’s the OG crew or GTFO. That show ended up selling out super fast anyway, but then last night I got an email that a second Pgh show was added so I went to Ticketmaster and really was considering it to the point where I had two tickets in my cart. Then for some stupid reason I couldn’t log into Paypal which is odd because I used Paypal like every day with no issue, so after three tries, I threw my phone down on the couch and said, “You know what? No. I’m not doing this. It’s a sign.” Henry, from his dining room greeting card work station, said, “Well, there’s a 90% chance you would have hated everyone there anyway.” I scoffed. “Yeah – the main person there.” I think this is growth, you guys. I really am almost fully divorced from sad, emo scene kid Erin. Oh and don’t even get me started on the WARPED TOUR reboot cash grab. It feels so disingenuous and phony.

2. Me & My C-List References

Remember last month when I did my volunteering bullshit and I loved the landscaping lady? Well, one of the things I failed to note was that she talked in this particular way that I really love, it’s a certain way she would say her ‘r’s and the whole time I was like, “UGH IT’S THE SAME WAY THAT LADY FROM THAT SHOW DUET TALKS” but I couldn’t think of her name and also whoever references the show Duets?? Why was I watching that show in like, 2nd grade?? Anyway, last night I was sitting here and I kapchugi shouted, “MARY PAGE KELLER!!” and Henry was like, “Ok?” and then I had to explain all of this to him and, just as it was a waste of time to type all of this out, it was also a waste of time explaining it to him out loud because he obviously didn’t care. Why would anyone care. I must have REALLY liked that show as a young Erin though because to this day anytime I meet someone who talks like that, I feel instantly comforted??

LOL what even was this show about??

(Related – I was so stoked at the Zsa Zsa Gabor reference in the Netflix Menendez Bros series, and then the other night I was watching an episode of Only Murders in the Building from season 4 and there was another Zsa Zsa reference! And the reference was literally, “Zsa Zsa Gabor reference” and I was fucking dead. The way I love Zsa Zsa….)

3. We’re living in Weiss Meats’ world now

In my last therapy session, we talked about my abusive time at Weiss Meats, the sexual harassment I endured, the mediation. I was getting so upset that my heart was racing and I had to actually stop at one point, put my hand on my chest and tell her that I couldn’t get my heart to slow down. The re-election of Trump has triggered me in so many ways because it’s just another indication that instead of moving forward, we are being shoved backward. Like, violently. So many of us – women, immigrants, minorities, LGBTQ. How is our country lauded as this great nation when we are so fucking backward and refuse to allow a confident, capable, intelligent woman to become President (80 other countries have elected women to run their joints but ok cook on Dumberica).

(THAT’S WHAT I CALL AMERICA NOW IN CASE YOU WERE CONFUSED.)

Anyway, one of the things that came out of that session, that I had pushed into the dark and bleak recesses of my mind, is that back in 2004 when I first went to a lawyer about the things I had endured at Weiss Meats, and they read over my account, I was referred to a rep from the EEOC who then said, “No, this isn’t sexual harassment. Let’s go with…sex discrimination.”

Yo. I was QUITE LITERALLY GRABBED BY THE PUSSY by my boss’s son. I am not exaggerating. I was at the filing cabinet in my office and he ran over to me, grabbed and squeezed my crotch, and then ran away. I was stunned. I am still stunned every time I think about this and believe me you, I think about it a lot.

But…that’s not sexual harassment. (YOU’RE RIGHT – IT’S FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULT, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT THEN, I WAS 20 FUCKING YEARS OLD AND WORKING IN MY FIRST OFFICE AND MY MOM WAS TELLING ME SHE HAD THIS HAPPEN TO HER TOO ALL CASUAL-LIKE, LIKE OK  THIS IS A NORMAL DAY FOR A WOMAN IN THE WORKPLACE, GOT IT.)

I had a laundry list of the things that happened to me, and to have to sit in that mediation room, me against all these men, and the only person on my side was….another man? I still cannot believe that this was something I was able to get through. It feels like it must have been a bad dream.

But when Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” bullshit was going on, and it was dismissed as “locker room talk” and I saw other women on Facebook (thank god I left) agreeing that it was “just words” and that anyone crying about it was just a snowflake, it brought all that back. Was I overreacting? Was I not really abused? Was what happened to me normal? It wasn’t rape, so should I have just walked away and not fought back with my former employer?

The #metoo movement was so validating, and for a minute I thought that maybe the country was moving forward, maybe people like me who had gone through varying degrees of assault, harassment, discrimination, maybe this was our time to be recognized and to start really healing. But no, I was wrong, because the re-electing of this piece of shit just reenforced the notion that women don’t matter. This is truly Weiss Meats’ world, you guys. 20 fucking years later and our country is about to be lead – again – by someone who would pat the Weiss Bros on the back for the way they treated women.

Sorry, this is probably a mess of words, but I too am nothing more than a mess right now. Burn it all fucking down.

4. Chooch Can’t Escape Kpop

Got these texts from Chooch the other day LOL.

Also, someone on Chooch’s dorm floor wrote “Stream SVT Love Fame Money” on the RA’s whiteboard and he sent it to me like, “Did you break in here??” LOL. He was disgusted. When I say BTS and their fans ruined Kpop for him…

In other family kpop news, last night I overheard Henry saying “Seventeen right here” and singing Blackpink’s Pink Venom while rummaging through the fridge.

In other family kpop news, part 2: I just made Henry watch the latest NCT Dream music show stage and he said, “It was OK but I’m a Seventeen stan now.” WOW. He’s in deep. There’s no room for multi-stanning with this guy.

5. LET’S END WITH A RAINY-THEMED VIDEO BECAUSE IT’S RAINING TODAY

Hope everyone but Trump, the remaining Weisses, and anyone who condones/excuses/does sexual assault has a great weekend :) Goodbye from Trauma Town.

I’m not one to dream-journal, but the one I had last night was so real and amazing and I never ever ever want to forget it, even though I feel so sad and heavy-hearted now.

OK so first of all, I was in college!? I was the age I am now, and it was so uncomfortable, plus I kept falling asleep in English class and couldn’t get words to come out right, like I was trying to talk with wet gravel in my mouth. But somehow, against all odds, I made friends with this young girl from NY named Dream (lol) and I was telling her about Chooch going to Drexel and that I felt weird for being 45 and in college and she was like, “No you’re fine!” but everyone else was straight scowling at me with disgust, like I smelt of elder-diapers and prunes, so I did not feel fine. Then I got some papers back and of course the comments were talking about what a fucking writing phenom I was. *blows on fingertips*

Then, even though I thought I was living in the dorms, I was back in the super small apartment that I was sharing with this Korean influencer who I have followed for years (IRL) – Joan Kim. She had just come back from one of her many business trips and we were hugging but I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, even though I lived there. While she was in the bathroom, I was sitting on a couch and suddenly, Jonghyun from SHINee (he passed away in 2017 so this was extra jarring) was sitting next to me and in my dream, he was my best friend that only I could see.

But he was also still Jonghyun who was a real person, so this was not an imaginary friend sitch. I was SO FUCKING HAPPY TO SEE HIM that I was crying. Then Joan came out of the bathroom and I had to act like I wasn’t sitting on the couch, hugging Jonghyun.

She left, and then Jonghyun and I went out. We were walking around this cute little street lined with small cafes and gift shops and somehow we were both like, “WE ARE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS” and he kissed me and I was like, “!!!!!!!!!!”  Then! A little girl said something to him and I said, “You can see him??” and she looked at me like I was crazy and then I realized that everyone could see him; somehow, we figured out that he was only “alive” in this particular town, which turned out to be a small town in France?! I guess that is where I was living with Joan Kim, while apparently going to college in the US, I have no idea. So, then I was trying to get him to stay, because then we could be together, but he was like, “I have to go to….” some other weird ass cities I can’t remember now, but I can still feel my desperation at trying to keep him here.

This is one of the only celebrity deaths that hit me hard and stuck with me. I keep a framed picture of him on our bedroom wall. I am so sad today, all over again.

This was the Jonghyun in my dream :(

Between the weird and shitty personal things that have me feeling super down this year, Bambi dying, the election and the horrible things looming on the horizon, last night’s dream, and the fact that our Law Firm days are over for good as far as our beloved 10th floor goes (our office is consolidating floors and ours got the ax), I am just so numb and have no faith or hope. Just a weird limbo between “too tired to cry” and “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

OK never mind about being too tired to cry because after avoiding this song for years, I am listening to it now and crying hot ugly fat tears. Lock me in a dark room somewhere and throw away the key.

How are you? And you? And you, Prudence? Eh, I’m … you know. Not stoked that Trump created a new department named after a meme for that fucking psycho megalomaniac Elon Musk to use to the country further into the ground. Every day we’re gifted more things to be horrified by – jump scares every time a news alert comes in. America as a haunted house.

I guess I will try to focus on positive things that are currently swimming against the PANIC CURRENT of my brain. For one thing, we have an NCT DREAM comeback! This song is my current fave jam. Please listen.

Thank god for Kpop.

I had a really cathartic therapy session today. I really appreciate my therapist and am hoping that she fixes me soon so that we can be friends is that weird I guess not. See also me googling “is it inappropriate to invite your therapist to your Xmas party.”

Wow am I actually at the bottom of the barrel of “positive things” for the week? That’s…alarming.

We’re redoing the Chooch Tribute wall in our living room – does that count? By redoing, it’s not a major overhaul. Just repainting and rearranging the pictures. Some need swapped out and I really want to add either his graduation portrait or one of his senior portraits as the center, and I want to have this finished before he comes home for Thanksgiving.

Oh! We’re going to dinner with Pam and Greg on Friday and I am excited to hang out and have a healthy, hearty bitch fest with fellow NeverTrumpers.

Still in my Belgian beer era, in case you were wondering. Henry brought me a…starter kit? Variety pack? Of beers from this one Belgian brewery and I know I said I was a Delirium girlie but I think now my bestie is Gulden Draak.

I had one that I hated though!! It wasn’t in that pack – we got it at that FALSELY NAMED HOUSE OF 1000 BEERS. It was a Chocolate Cherry Duchesse and I thought it would be good because I loved the other fruity version of Duchesse I had but THIS SHIT WAS SO DISGUSTING. It even smelled so bad, like walking into a house where the windows hadn’t been opened since the 1970s I don’t know how else to describe it but it was old and musty and then it hits your tongue like a taser. So sour and disgusting. Literally one of the worst beers I have had ever had. I immediately made Henry drink my half and he also wasn’t a fan so he was not thrilled.

Oh another positive thing is that we are having the annual Trimming of Trudy the night after Thanksgiving with Corey and Janna like old times! Henry better provide snacks. And they better bring me BELGIAN BEER.

Well, that’s all for now. I’m going to sit here with a blanket over my head while watching Seventeen content probably. Stan Seventeen, you guys.

I’m grateful that my mom always let me do what I wanted to my bedroom aesthetic – teenage Erin would be proud (maybe a little confused) to see that her adult self held on to the same style guide lol.

This is all I’ve got right now – small little pockets of joy. I love this spot for the saranghae sign because it illuminates the acrylic shelf above it.

Yeah boy.

I’m just trying to not think about this shit right now so here is some stuff that I have done during the last week. I mean, aside from screaming into a pillow.

We went to two more haunted houses last week to close out the season, so that was nice.

Fright Farm was open every night during Halloween week so we went on Tuesday. It was OK as far as crowds went but it’s annoying because they make you wait FOREVER before they start calling groups #s for the hayride. The one nice thing though is that there are games and food, fires to sit by, and – well, this is actually a bad thing – a stage where bands play on weekends but on offnights, they just play REALLY BAD POP MUSIC. At some point, an actual DJ took over and it turned into a montage of really tacky wedding reception songs like Cupid Shuffle (FUCKING HATE THAT SONG) and whatever that idiotic “Slide to the left, now slide to the right” song is that I also hate (several hick women got to aggressively perform these moves and I had secondhand embarrassment so bad). In case you were unaware, Chappell Roan’s “Hot To Go” is now in the “cringey old person firehall line dance” category. There were middle-aged women doing TIKTOKS of themselves dancing to this at Fright Farm and I truly wanted to die.

I liked Chappell Roan for a minute but she in on my last nerve since summer, but honestly, what and who isn’t.

Meanwhile, Henry went and bought me a slice of pizza since I had missed a feeding to be there. This slice was bigger than two of my faces and if you have seen my bloated face in person lately, then you know that’s a huge hunka pizza. Anyway, I probably could have finished the whole thing but I KNOW if I did, I would have been sick. So I was trying really hard to stop while I was ahead. Around the time I started to push the plate away, one of the chainsaw guys came over and stopped next to where we were sitting and, in this creepy, screechy voice, started asking us what were eating (Henry had pepperoni rolls in case you care). Chainsaw Guy was concerned because I had so much pizza left and wanted to know why.

When I told him it was too big and I couldn’t finish it, he was like, “I’ll take it off your hands if you don’t want it” and I was like, ‘Uh, lol, I mean….” and HE TOOK IT AND WALKED AWAY WITH IT, AND THEN HE AND ANOTHER MONSTER GUY ATE IT! I was fucking dying. It was the most wholesome chainsaw interaction I’ve ever had?!!?

Post-pizza ^^

The germ-phobe in me was wildin’ out though because I had eaten that pizza in the most random way since it was so big – I was eating it from the sides and then started pulling pieces off the crust, and at one point I 100% gleeked on it, ugh.

But I guess dude was just really hungry because he came back later and PULLED A CHAIR OVER TO THE TABLE BEHIND US where two guys were sitting eating fries. He was like, “Hi guys, what’s up” and than started casually eating their fries while trying to get passers-by to join them. Then he got one of the guys to go to a food stand and buy him a bottle of water! So much moxie. I want to be this chainsaw guy when I grow up.

Anyway, Fright Farm was fun but the lady who is in charge of sending groups into the walking park, post-hayride, is soooo shitty. I mean, shitty attitude, yes, but also she sucks at gauging the crowd and sends new groups in way too fast. It was such a slow night but she practically sent in our whole wagon at once when it should really only be groups of 6. Her timing SUCKS. She was there last year too and I fucking hated her then too.

What else….I already wrote about Halloween….

I was off last Friday and then I texted Janna and said, “I’m off tomorrow, you should call off too haha” and she didn’t call off BUT SHE DID TAKE A HALF DAY! So, we met at Chimera Brewing for lunch. It used to be some other brewery and then it closed and everyone cried about it. I did not care either way. But this new place seemed to have lots of good veg/vegan options and that’s what my sold me.

Breweries are so weird to me. Like, I get why people like them I guess but they all seem the same to me!! Same ambiance, same menus (I do prefer the ones that have an actual kitchen too and don’t just rely on a rotating food truck schedule), same-tasting beers. I guess what I’m saying is that I still prefer to go to bottle shops and just split two beers with Henry in the comfort of my own home while watching chaotic Kpop content on YouTube.

HOWEVER. I hadn’t seen Janna in person in a while (since the grad party, actually!) since I have had little will to live this past year. But I’m glad that I forced myself to get out of the house and that Janna was able to meet me there. Sorry for publicly tearing up while talking about Bambi, Janna!

(I will have you know that I was able to drink all the beers in my flight but none of them have me running back for more. I AM STILL PICKY.)

As usual Wells Township’s Haunted House had the honor of being our last haunt of the season Saturday night. We like to go on their Lights Out Night because it’s so000 hysterical and they totally fuck with you.

This year wasn’t as great as past years, but whoever was following me up a set of stairs while tickling my sides HARD, you were the MVP of the night. I was laughing so hard that I am proud of myself for not peeing. There was also a room where Air Supply’s Making Love Out of Nothing at All was playing while a werewolf lounged in bed. Nothing about this place makes sense and I love them for it.

The only bummer was that it was shorter this year (no maze at the end) and the two chainsaw guys on duty didn’t even try to chase me. That part I didn’t mind so much since it was a Wells Township chainsaw guy that nearly lopped my foot off two years IF YOU RECALL.

Actually, one of the scariest things was wondering how many Trump supporters we were surrounded by, being in small town Ohio.

Other than that, it’s been a lot of ignoring everything on social media but Seventeen content and planning Chingumas because when this happened in 2016, having a Xmas party was like a big fucking group therapy session.

Wow what a fucked up week. I have so much anger inside of me that I feel like I could power…a small appliance at the very least. Maybe a toaster or a power drill.

Anyway, I am TRYNA relax tonight but Henry already pissed me off because I went to put away a mixing bowl from the strainer and he has the whole set COMPLETELY FUCKED UP and not in PROPER FORM like how I keep them (they are like the Russian nesting dolls of mixing bowls, you know?) which is LARGEST AND THEN ANOTHER ALMOST AS LARGE AND THEN A LARGE AND THEN SMALL ETC. And then the rubber lids go beneath the stack ALSO BIGGEST TO SMALLEST.

WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD. I DON’T EVEN USE THE FUCKING THINGS BUT EVEN I KNOW HOW TO PUT THEM AWAY.

Then I sat down with a small glass of LANCASTER BREWING CO Milk Stout and it is OK but it’s also a STOUT and I am still not quite to having a stout palate yet –  I think I need to grow hairs on my tongue first.

Or does that come AFTER growing a test for that shit?

I don’t know.

This one tastes like coffee and then I remember that the last stout I tried also tasted like coffee and I think that is probably why I keep coming back even though I don’t LOVE these – it’s like sipping cold, syrupy coffee somehow. I asked Henry if all stouts taste like coffee and he said, “I don’t know.”

(Ew, I just took another sip and now it has a vegetable taste, I don’t know.)

Anyway, then I was perusing Untapped and I kept seeing “IMPERIAL” so I asked Henry if that was a type of a beer and he said, “I don’t know.”

TWO “I DON’T KNOWS” IN A ROW. I snapped.

“WHY DON’T YOU KNOW?? ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU FUCKING WHITE MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT??? BEER, AND HOW TO BE BIGOTS AND MISOGYNISTS???” and then I lunged at him with my teeth snapping and he had to hold me back with his hand pushed against my forehead.

I can’t help it, I have always been a biter ever since I got in trouble for biting some bitch on the face when I like 3 or 4 but she fucking deserved it because she left me stranded in her tree house!? BUT ALL TEH ADULTS TOOK HER SIDE AND I WAS THE BAD SEED?!?

I have other things to recap on here but SHOOOOOO, I just can’t stop to collect my thoughts at all yet. I am so disgusted and side-eyeing EVERYONE now.

LOL Henry just came back in the room after I kicked him out and quietly said, “The difference between stouts and porters is that stouts are stronger” – LOL I forgot that I asked him that and he told me, “You have your phone in your hand, Google it” and I SCREAMED, “MY PHONE IS IN MY HAND BECAUSE I AM BLOGGING YOU DIP SHIT – GO SOMEWHERE!!!”

I’m going to make Henry drink the rest of this and unwind with YouTube videos of Seventeen’s encores because they are literal joy and we need all of that we can get right now. I hope everyone is being kind to themselves. Do something nice for yourself this weekend!!

My intro is just “fuck it all to hell.” On to the books.

1. Malice House (Malice Compendium, #1) by Megan Shepherd

A “meh”-ish 3 stars. It was fine.

2. Don’t Eat the Pie by Monique Asher

This cover is chef’s kiss. This and the plot itself gave me some ideas for future Pie Parties lol (Dear Henry, make the top crust of the pie say “All Hail Queen Erin”). But truly, this book was kind of a snooze. I didn’t latch on to a single character. I also didn’t even care about the whys and hows. That’s….not great. Kind of Rosemary’s Baby-esque but not very well executed.

3. Sleep Tight by J.H. Markert

*HIT THE BUZZER!* Next.

4. Incidents Around the House by Josh Malerman

YO 5 STARS. This was included in Spotify Premium and as soon as I started listening, my immediate reaction was, “Ugh, this is narrated from a child’s POV” and thought FOR SURE that the voice would drive me insane. Yet somehow, I withstood it and thank god because this one was actually chilling. The horror book I have been searching for! Perfect for October, creepy AF, also kind of funny at times. My ONLY gripe is that the way  the parents (especially the mom) talked to the kid. I think she was supposed to be 8 and they were slinging some Big Thinks around. I mean, I always patted myself on the back for talking to Chooch like I would talk to anyone else, totally eschewing baby talk, but this was reminiscent of watching Dawson’s Creek back in the day and screaming, “WE DO NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE THAT!” I thought that was kind of bizarre.

Actually, I just saw this in someone’s Goodreads review and it is very spot-on: “the author wrote the 8 year old like she was 4. meanwhile adults are having full on conversations with her like she is their co worker.”

However, the plot was just THAT GOOD that I didn’t let this drag the score down.

5. Gray After Dark by Noelle W. Ihli

I truly do not know how this absolute garbage disguised as a book has such a high average on Goodreads because it felt like it was written by a middle schooler. Repetitive. Boring. One dimensional characters. I appreciate that it was based on a true story but I think I would rather read a non-fiction account of it. Cringey. Poorly-written. The captors name one of the girls RUTHIE SUE? Get this cornball trash out of my face. Ugh I actually got so angry thinking about this drivel.

6. All This & More by Peng Shepherd

Really cool concept, reimagined Choose Your Own Adventure, but it got kind of boring and also confusing. I didn’t want to choose either option most of the time lol.

7. Horror Movie by Paul Tremblay

This started off strong, but then I got bored. 3 stars but honestly his books are usually pretty mid to me.

8. Docile: Memoirs of a Not-So-Perfect Asian Girl by Hyeseung Song

Loved it! Apparently, a memoir was just what I needed.

9. So Thirsty by Rachel Harrison

OK I am a big fan of Harrison’s writing and have given all of her books 4-5 stars. I love her modern takes on classic horror tropes. AND I LOVE VAMPIRES so this should have been an easy 5 for me. Henry and I listened to the audiobook on the way to Chicago for the Seventeen concert, and finished it on the way home so in that regard this book will always feel cozy and warm to me when I think about it. And Harrison’s writing was, as per usual, snappy and quick-witted. I love how she writes her dialogue and I love how her main characters always have a sort of “ugh what now” attitude about them. This one was no exception. I loved Sloane, but her BFF Naomi was so fucking grating. I get it – she was supposed to be loud and obnoxious, a total party monster but I hated hated hated the voice that the narrator gave her. It went right through me every time, especially since we had to listen to it with the volume up fairly loud to combat highway noise.

I would give the first half of the book 4 stars, maybe even 4.5. It was fun and kept us interested, and the when the vamps finally enter the picture, shit got fucking hysterical. But the second half was a slog. The pacing was weird, it felt like it stalled out. There were times when I couldn’t even remember what the plot was anymore  – was there a thing that they working up to, etc.? So I gave that half a 2.75.

3 stars overall and I will definitely still be reading her books, but you know, you can’t please everyone every time.

10. Diavola by Jennifer Marie Thorne

LOL dude. 4 stars, one of the quirkiest and most fun haunted house books I’ve ever read! I love love love that it was set in a small Italian village, I loved the dysfunctional family dynamics, I loved hating the brother’s brother, I loved rooting for the main character every time her family treated her like a black sheep tag-along.

And then once the hauntings started happening, it was equal parts chilling and STILL FUNNY.

Eventually, the setting changes to NYC and the book lost a little bit of its charm for me then, but overall, 4 stars.

11. Every Last Secret by A.R. Torre

I hated this. One of the most boring domestic thrillers with two catty bitches fighting over one man who, aside from being a mega millionaire, was SUCH A BORING ASSHOLE. This was not good but I was in need of an audiobook to accompany me on my walks and this was the best I could do in a pinch.

12. We Should Have Left Well Enough Alone by Ronald Malfi

Short stories. The first one started the book off with a bang, I loved it so much and this is going to sound like I’m giving myself way more credit than I ever deserve, but it reminded me of those idiotic short stories I used to write on here back in the day before my job and life in general sapped every last ounce of creativity from my brain? Those days?

Yeah anyHOO. Some stories were poppin’, some were….droppin’. You know what I mean. There was one about a foster kid that tags along with a trio of kids from the neighborhood for trick-or-treating and that one was definitely the perfect nostalgic Halloween vibes that I needed, you know, on Halloween. But some were really drawn out with little pay off at the end.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO SAY.

That’s all of the books I read in October.

Literally can’t focus on much else today, ELECTION DAY, so I need to bulletpoint for therapy.

• I stayed up last night watching various livestreams of the Harris rallies. Some thoughts on the musical performances: Katy Perry – oh honey thanks for giving fodder to the MAGA set. I never liked her music but what in the actual fuck was that weird ass singing she was doing?? Of course this is the big star Pgh would get, sigh. Over in Philly, Ricky Martin was singing in a Dracula voice like he thought he was in Transylvania not Pennsylvania. Bon Jovi was somewhere and sounded like what happens when AI gets involved. I thought I was having a stroke while watching all of this! And the worst part is that I sat through all of this because I wanted to see Lady Gaga because I have a mild interest in her and all she did was sing some stupid America song from elementary school. But, at least she sounded good.
• I wish AOC would have been canvassing in my neighborhood because I bet she would love my interior design. I just get that feeling, you know? Like we’d girl-out over my sometimes questionable Party City decor.
• JAEHYUN ENLISTED IN THE MILITARY YESTERDAY AND I AM NOT OK. Let’s take a moment and enjoy his recent solo MV:

• Henry and I went to this JOKE OF A PLACE called House of 1000 Beers on Sunday to cruise the selection for more Belgians. OK first of all, honey, 1000 beers though? I don’t think so. There is absolutely NO WAY and I kept commenting on this while we were there and btw I felt immediately uncomfortable there too, it was an awkward set-up with people eating on one side and then a bar on the other side and the cook was LEERING AT ME from his little kitchen podium window thing and I kept muttering, “I hate it here, I want to leave” under my breath and then I was going to wait in the car but I didn’t want to leave the choices up to Henry because he is the worst at picking things that I will like, so I stuck it out but I bitched about it sporadically throughout the day. Like, we were watching TV later that night and I blurted out, totally kapchugi, “There is NO WAY that there were 1000 different beers there?!” and Henry just groaned because I was back on my “calling the BBB” kick again.
• Henry got an itch to clean out the closet-area at the top of the basement steps on Saturday because all he wanted to do was “hang up his one coat” but the hooks are completely usurped by my menagerie of coats and purses (I have a reallll fuckin’ problem). “Some of these coats probably don’t even need to be here, there is no way you wear all of these!” Henry huffed, but then after pawing through them, he mumbled, “OK maybe you do.” LOL.

This is only some of the pile! Here he is holding up the only two belongings of his that he wanted to hang up, lol. 

• Chooch texted me at 12:22PM with photo confirmation that he voted and I AM SO PROUD, I ACTUALLY STARTED CRYING. What a huge election to be a part of as a first-time voter. And he’s in that “young man” demo too, which makes it even better. (Yes, he voted straight Dem, let’s gooooo.)
• Henry came home from work and told me that his co-worker who is like a beer guru told him that he should have gone to a different place instead of HOUSE OF NOWHERE NEAR 1000 BEERS and he is actually the reason we went there in the first place?? But I guess Henry doesn’t talk to him often enough because this dude doesn’t go there anymore. Yeah, probably because of the false advertising! Anyway, Henry told him that I am a Belgian beer girlie now and the dude said, and I am so mad about this, that those are good STARTER BEERS. Did he mean to say, “Holy shit, your wife is HARDCORE, not liking beer and then bypassing all the sissy shit and going straight for the BELGIAN?? She is a KEEPER. She sounds like SHE IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.”

• Hey speaking of, Henry, Scared of Irritating a Woman Voter, brought home a DELIRIUM NOEL GIFT SET for me last night so now I have a Delirium glass! Don’t worry I still complained because it’s not the OG glass with the curvy stem.

• Oh and nbd but this happened in the scene before the beer was poured:

And now, we wait 😬

What I wouldn’t give to be in Korea right now though fr fr. Watching Seventeen vlogs as a distraction but I know eventually the election shit is going to be put on. I can’t resist.

In my latest two therapy seshes we covered the Psycho Mike stuff, did I mention this? And I have to say, I didn’t realize that I needed to talk to a professional about this at this stage in my life but I feel EMPOWERED now. Like I didn’t realize what a big deal it was that I recognized at that young age that I was being treated abusively and took a stand and vowed to never let myself be treated like that again. “Sometimes aggressively so” I admitted when saying that I have worn the pants in every subsequent relationship and when I told Henry afterward he was like, “Wow can I talk to her for a few minutes?” LOL piss off and get back to the kitchen. You little bitch.

I don’t know why my bulletpoints disappeared and now that I have been drinking, IDGAF.

• I went for a walk around town to get the rest of my steps and because I can’t keep pacing around the house moaning. I was on the street behind my house when a man in a pickup truck blew through a stop sign as I was waiting to cross the street. In a calm and monotone voice, I called out, “Wow, don’t stop.” HE GOT THRU THE LITTLE INTERSECTION AND STOPPED HIS TRUCK LOL AND SAID, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” so I repeated it with the same hearty dose of sarcasm and he just drove away. Henry was BIG FROWN ENERGY about this when I came back home and told him lololol.

Relatedly, in therapy today we also talked about how I have a huge problem with men and authority and she was like, “OK that makes sense” while adding to her notes that I would like to read some day.

Hey I’m going to peace out from this blog post for now. If anything exciting happens later during my live election coverage viewing, I shall update this bitch. I guess.

I’m so ready to vote. I was already fired up but after encountering an aggressive grassroots MAGA brigade when all I wanted to do was go for a nice afternoon walk and enjoy a sunny fall day but a fleet of small-dick energy pickup trucks decorated with massive and putrid TRUMP flags and driven by white power fisting redneck men had other plans for me.

It felt like harassment. I was telling a canvasser about this yesterday and he said very calmly, “That’s because it was. That is their whole agenda, their entire platform.”

Bullying. Hate. Misogyny. Guns guns guns.

I was angry that I started to spiral out and then I thought I was going to have a heart attack (#drama) so Henry and I had to switch to a side street but I could still hear the horns blasting and the ACTUAL hootin’ and hollarin’ so we ended up just going back home.

Stress.

OK I have put this off for nearly two weeks now, but on Tuesday, October 22, 2024, Henry and I drove to Chicago (Rosemont, specifically) to see night 1 of the Seventeen US Tour.

I was popping off internally. Not that the rest of the groups I stan don’t mean as much to me, but SVT….hits different. And of course, there is that connection that I fabricated between them and my cat, Bambi. So when she died, it catapulted them up in the love bracket inside my heart (Henry continuously gets knocked down, haha). I knew that the emotions were going to be strong with this one.

We stayed about 20 minutes away from Allstate Arena this time so we have to drive and park there which was annoying because we always stay in a hotel right across from the arena but this time there was an issue where Henry accidentally booked two nights and when he tried to call  them and get rid of one of the nights, they said NO so he had to cancel the entire reservation. Look, I don’t work in the hotel industry but that seemed really stupid to me. It was about 4:30 by this point, and I was getting so worked up seeing all the Carats roaming around the hotel parking lot and lobby so I said, “LET’S GOOOOOOOOO.” There was early merch going on so I thought it would be a good idea to get that out of the way, because when we went to see ATEEZ, THEY SOLD OLD OF MERCH by the end of the night and I had to buy my shirt from Amazon (it seemed legit though!).

This is how we came to stand in a line outside of the arena for over an hour, Carat-watching, collecting free stuff (I usually don’t go early to these concerts anymore so I miss out on all the freebies!), and just being generally giddy (well, one of us was). Carats are special people, you guys. Legit the only toxic fandom I have encountered to date has been BTS Army. But being around 10,000s of Carats in this weird stage of still-grieving-my-cat/bff was beyond soothing. I can’t explain it. But seeing all the people dressed up in outfits from various music videos, hearing the two Carats behind me go from strangers to friends by the time we made it to the merch truck (Miriam and Catherine – they talked for an entire hour before finally introducing themselves and I was dying), hearing Carats cheering on people doing dance challenges in the parking lot—it healed parts of me in ways that time and therapy can’t.

These girls were walking around with Joshua and (now I can’t remember who else they had) cardboard cutouts for photo ops. I wanted Henry to get his picture taken with them but he STAUNCHLY refused.

I did get him to hold the banner though.

Here’s Henry pairing my lightstick, lol. If you have never been to a kpop concert, every group has their lightstick and you can pair it to bluetooth once you get to the venue so that it will coordinate with the music. You have to put in your actual seat # too. I don’t always have the patience to do this but Henry handled it for me this time :)

(I heard Taylor Swift does something similar now after finding out that Kpop is like this, and that’s gross to me but if she can swing the vote in Kamala’s favor, I will never say another disparaging thing about her Napoleon Dynamite twinning or boring music.)

My favorite part of the day was when we got all the way to the front of the merch line only to find out that 90% of everything was SOLD OUT. Every single t-shirt, hoodie, etc. GONE. They only had little accessories left, things I would never buy. I just wanted a shirt. When I got up there, the lady apologized and said that everything was going to be restocked at the merch booths inside, which, OK cool, but honestly they couldn’t send anyone around to make this announcement to the people standing in line? That line went back even FARTHER at this point from where it ended when we got there but OK just let those people stand there for hours.

So fucked up!

At this point, it was after 6PM so we got in one of the many lines to get inside. The doors were just starting to open but you know how venues, after decades of holding concerts, still can’t figure out an easy and painless entry system. It never fails to be a clusterfuck. But we did get in by 6:45 I would say. It was really windy the whole time we were in that parking lot, and I hadn’t realized just how close it is to the airport until I saw REALLY LOW planes passing over the arena on their way to landing, and I started having all kinds of disaster thoughts.

OK OK OK, let’s speed this up: we got inside the venue, which is way too small for Kpop concerts IMO, it’s a crowd-crush sitch waiting to happen in those walkways.

Found our seats first:

They weren’t great – we were in the 200s section because literally it was all we could get the day the tickets went on sale before the prices doubled. I fucking hate you, Ticketmaster. I just felt grateful that we got seats at all though and didn’t have to try to deal with resellers. I just don’t trust anyone.

After finding our seats, we fought the crowds downstairs and eventually found the end of one of the merch lines. It was outrageous and I was so scared that for the first time ever, I was going to miss the beginning of a concert. But we made it to the table, I got my Rosemont-specific shirt, and we ran back upstairs to our seats. My heart was RACING.

Almost exactly at 7:30, it started and I was SHOOK. The emotions! The excitement! The awe! Seventeen has been a group that I have known since getting into Kpop. They were rookies back then and my fave Kpop dance aerobics channel, SarahKpop, had a few routines to their songs. It’s how I first heard their famously popular (and notorious!) “Aju Nice” and I was so excited to hear it in person!

Bambi’s bias, The 8 / Xu Minghao <3

Obviously, I wish that I could have seen OT13, but Jeonghan has just recently enlisted in mandatory miliary service which I feel like I don’t have to explain anymore now that BTS made the entire world aware of this, and Jun is in China filming a TV show.

I wanted to see them in 2022 when they were in Newark, but we had already registered for Coastin’ by the Ocean in Wildwood and couldn’t swing it. I would take Kpop over coasters any day of the week though, just let that be known.

My bias Seungkwan <3 Jeonghan also shares this status, but after this show, Hoshi is 100% my bias wrecker. Like, 10000%.

Hoshi <3

Minghao <3

The chaos that was their “Oh My!” performance. I love the duality of Kpop groups. I love that they can come out so sultry and edgy, so fierce, then suddenly they’re being their true dorky selves and having a dance off with people dressed as blow-up animals. How can you not love this!? How could anyone not find this entertaining??

(And I’m crying now lol.)

(Janna if you are reading this you better watch this video!!)

The costume people came out again unexpectedly during “God of Music”!

I also have to say that this was BY FAR the loudest Kpop (or any) concert I have ever attended. There were times when it felt like the ecstatic shrieking around me had pierced through my skull and continued to ricochet inside my head like rubber bouncy balls. It was PAINFUL. The most ear-and-head pain I think I have ever experienced and I was legit scared for my life several times, lol. Even Henry was like, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT IS HAPPENING.”

For reference, I have been to a BTS concert and this by far exceeded those levels of fanaticism. The girl behind me simultaneously sounded like a Beatles-mania-era teenage girl and also an adult man. I don’t know how she was doing it but her shrill shrieks were morphing into guttural roars and it was concerning. I kept tossing glances over my shoulder because I was curious as to what was going on behind me!

The whole show was one giant highlight reel for me but I have to mention that I walked away with “March” as my new favorite song – previously it had been one of those tracks that I never paid much attention to when it would come on but after seeing them perform it (it was a surprise, too!) something clicked in my brain and I have listened to it on repeat on my walks every day since then.

Henry was bitter that the hiphop group performed Water and not Lalali, cry about it, Henry!

I FUCKING DIED that the performance group (minus Jun) did Lilili Yabbay! (And Rain, which is my favorite song off their latest album, in case you cared to know.)

Henry just asked me how it’s going, recapping this night, and I let my wet eyeballs answer that.

The encore though! I have never seen anyone understand the encore assignment as well as Seventeen does. The crowd engagement! The energy! The unhinged hilarity! My whole fucking face hurt from smiling and laughing – it was everything that I needed to help fill that Bambi-shaped hole in my heart (crying again). And when I’m able to share this experience with someone who also enjoys it, understands it, stans the group (yes, I mean Henry if you can believe that) it makes it even better. We dissected the night on the entire drive back to Pittsburgh the next day and we are still rehashing it! He said his favorite part was the encore and I know you’re thinking, “Yeah, because that meant the concert was almost over and he was stoked on that” but it’s because it seriously is complete pandemonium! SO JOYOUS AND PURE!

Part of their encore is never-ending Aju Nice where every time you think it’s over, the chorus kicks back up and Seungkwan LOVES to go into the crowd and let fans sing the high note, so Carats at the barricade will hold signs that say “Can I Aju Nice??” It is epic and well-known in the Kpop world – they even did this at Glastonbury and Lollapalooza Berlin and the non-kpop fans in the crowd evidently ate it up.

They also did a dance-off during the encore and the energy was so strong. I can’t believe we were there. I can’t believe I got see neverending Aju Nice!!!!

I gotta wrap this up before I start posting videos from the whole entire concert.

SET LIST:

Act 1

VCR

1. Fear
2. Fearless
3. Maestro

MENT

4. Ash
5. Crush (I fucking died)

VCR

Act 2

6. Water (Hip-Hop Unit)
7. Monster (Hip-Hop Unit)
8. Rain (Performance Unit)
9. Lilili Yabbay (Performance Unit)
10. Candy (Vocal Unit)
11. Cheers to Youth (Vocal Unit) – linking the actual MV here because it’s so fucking precious and uplifting

VCR

Act 3

12. Oh My!
13. Snap Shoot
14. GOD OF MUSIC!!

Ment

15. Home

VCR

16. Love, Money, Fame (debut of the English version)

MENT

17. March
18. Super (fucking iconic)

ENCORE

19. Adore U
20. ‘Bout You

MENT

21. Campfire (they made everyone sit for this – but let it be known that Henry was already sitting because he never stood once until it was time to leave #old)
22. NEVERENDING VERY NICE!
23. Hit (extended)
24. CALL CALL CALL!
25. Snap Shoot (extended)
26. Holiday (extended)

This entire nearly 30-minute encore will live – AS THE KIDS SAY – rent free in my head for the rest of my life. I hope that when I’m old and a near-vegetable in a nursing home, this is still playing vividly behind my eyes. I am so forever grateful that I found Kpop that one fateful Xmas Eve 2015.

Now I will live vicariously through the rest of the Carats on Instagram who are attending the rest of the dates on this tour!

I was getting ready for bed last night when my friend Patty messaged me on Instagram and said that she had gone to Facebook to wish her friend Jeff a happy birthday and saw that he had died earlier in the year. This is significant because Jeff was my boyfriend from 1998-2001 until I dumped him for Henry at Dave Navarro concert at Metropol.

We definitely didn’t part on the best terms, but we eventually made peace with each other (he even stopped over a few mths later to give me a CD of his DJing, shook Henry’s hand and everything) and stayed e-friends ever since. That didn’t amount to more than an occasional Instagram like, though.

There was one time at least 10 years ago, if not more, where he messaged me and said that he had been going to AA meetings at the church across from my house and that we should get coffee sometime.

We never met up for coffee, but this is how I found out he was an alcoholic and after Googling his obit last night, severe health complications related to his decades-long struggle is what ultimately took his life last January.

Right before Barb died, actually. This year just keeps doling it out, doesn’t it?

I don’t really know what this emotion is that I’m feeling. Shock? Sadness? Guilt? I was SUCH A CUNT to this man. He deserved so much better than me and I can say this now without any reservation – I treated him like an absolute dog. I cheated on him habitually. I lied to him. I fucked with him. But worst of all, I was just straight-up abusive to him.

We met in Darkchat (of course) in the fall of 1998. His name on there was Samhain, so I called him Sammy. He was in the process of moving to Pgh for art school and was looking to make some friends. We met in the parking lot of Pier 1 (RIP) in Pleasant Hills and went to the theater across the street to see John Carpenter’s Vampires. I remember my friend Cinn, also from Darkchat (Jesus Christ I was/am such a fucking dork) was worried about this and was also in the parking lot for observance purposes and deemed him, immediately, a non-threat.

Cinn loved him and called him Sammy even after I ultimately switched to “Jeff.”

The worst part is that now I can see what a truly sweet and kind guy he was, when back then I made fun of those traits and found him “weak.” I was so wrong and bad for him.

I wish that we had just started as friends and stayed that way, instead of designing the entire meet-up as a “date.” I feel like I knew from the beginning that the compatibility wasn’t there, but then he kind of leaned on me as a crutch since he was shy and new to the city and honestly he couldn’t have picked a worse person for this assignment because not only was I an absolute agent of chaos, but my friends were motherfuckers to him too. (With the exception of Janna and Cinn.) He used to go home to Uniontown every weekend and I was SUDDENLY SINGLE on those weekends, having house parties, going out, just being completely disrespectful of his feelings.

Janna and I went to lunch today and she pointed out that I was a kid and I agree with that, I was immature and literally only cared about myself and am truly a completely different person now but it doesn’t make me any less disgusted with myself. I have no idea what Jeff was going through all of these years. I wish I could have apologized to him.

Easter at my Grandma’s house, 2001 prob.

On Instagram, Jeff mostly posted pictures of the food he cooked (he liked to cook, even back then) and his dog, who was referenced numerous times in the obituary and for some reason, maybe because I am a sucker for animals, the fact that he left behind his cherished best friend is what has made me crumble. It also said that his parents are now caring for the dog (Kenny) so thank god.

His last IG post was from Xmas 2023, and Kenny was featured in that image carousel.

And then reading the messages on the memorial page broke me too because the echoing sentiment was that he was so kind, docile, pure-hearted, etc. And he was! He was all of these fucking things and I was the fucking Devil.

Barb’s birthday was 10/29. Carol’s birthday was 10/31. Jeff’s birthday was also 10/31. All three of these people, once prominent fixtures in my life, are dead instead of celebrating birthdays this week. I feel so fucking weird.