It wouldn’t be summer around here if I didn’t expound on Warped Tour in at LEAST three separate blog posts. It is quite literally my Christmas in July and I savor this day every single year. EVERY SINGLE YEAR!

We woke up early Friday morning and it was pouring. Not just pouring, but STORMING. And the forecast for the rest of the day looked dismal as well. All clouds and lightning. I sadly (but also excitedly since I still haven’t been able to wear this) tucked my rain poncho into my Bled Fest bag and we went on our way.

At breakfast, dumb Glenn trolled  me a with a text that said “great day for an outdoor concert” and I could imagine sitting at his dumb desk at desk work, looking at three different weather sites at once and laughing sinisterly. I IGNORED THE BAIT.

But then by the time we got to Warped Tour at 11, the skies had turned a bright, beautiful blue and the sun was a’blazing.

“We were promised overcast,” the metalhead guy in front of me sighed, clad in black all the way down to his platform skull-encrusted shit-kickers. So I figured it was safe to finally reply to Glenn’s text with a cheerful, “It really is! Blue skies and sunny!”

Amber told me later that Glenn was so giddy over the original forecast that he wanted our whole group to send me taunting texts!

SUCK IT GLENN!

OK, so this post will be primarily a collection of photos from our day. Chooch is supposedly going to help me with captions SO WE’LL SEE.

Chooch: “It me!”

American Satan is a movie that Andy Biersack from Black Veil Brides is in so Henry and I did a big matchy-matchy eye roll every time we walked past one of the posters. Not huge fans of BVB at all, but I will say that we caught a few minutes of Andy’s solo stage (he goes by Andy Black) and it wasn’t too bad.

Where’s Chooch-o?

Chooch: What are you doing to meeeeee?

I smooshed Chooch’s hair down so it looked more Caesar-esque because it made him look like the singer from Boston Manor but Chooch hates what I like so as soon as I took this picture, he gave his hair a hearty swipe with his sweaty meat paw and totally ruined the look. Chooch is like the Warped Tour Prince, Mr. Been There Done That, Master of Meet-n-Greets, Virtuoso of Racing to the Vans Tent to Get the Free Prize.

Someone from Jule Vera assumed this was his first Warped Tour, which made Chooch scoffingly say, “Um this is my fifth rodeo, partner.”

Or…you know, something like that.

Chooch: What’s Daddy grabbing? Someone’s boob!

Wow, that would be the boob of either a giantress or a circus girl on stilts, son. Or maybe Jeffree Star?!

(OMG I just realized that I don’t think Jeffree Star was at Warped Tour this year!)

While Chooch and I were spectating Lakeshore on the Hard Rock Stage, Henry slipped away into the wilds of Warped Tour. We just shrugged and kept on watching the band because we don’t need Henry.

(OK I TAKE IT BACK WE NEED YOU HENRY PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US.)

A few minutes later, Henry came causally ambling back to us, happily scooping a Slushie into his moustachioed maw.

Chooch and I sang various tunes of “HOW WHAT WHERE WHY? WE WANT! WE WANT!” while Henry just stood there smirking. Finally, he pointed to where the free Slushie truck was set up and Chooch and I were like VROOM VROOM MOTHERFUCKERS, running through the crowd with a mission.

Yeah boiiii!!Free Slurpees all day long! I only had one though. Henry had approximately 15. Henry is really good at making the best of a bad situation. Does he WANT to go to Warped Tour? Hard no. But you better believe he’s going to milk it for all its worth.

Same with Chooch. That little shit was coming back from the Maltesers tent every time I turned around. And hey, speaking of those chocolate balls, they were delicious! I thought they were going to taste like Whoppers, which I strongly dislike, and they SORT OF did but they were coated with the thickest, creamiest chocolate ever and so fucking delicious. ARE THESE IN STORES YET?!

Chooch and Henry played some game in that tent while I was busy, you know, enjoying bands which is the whole point of Warped Tour the last time I checked. Something about moving Maltesers with a straw or something and I guess they lost which is amazing because they both suck so hard!

Chooch: These are better than Malts or whatever they’re called.

WHOPPERS, SON. WHOPPERS.

For the first time ever, there wasn’t a single band on the big stages that we wanted to see (well, there were a few but the schedules overlapped too much with the bands I REALLY wanted to see, so I had to skip Blessthefall, for example). Maybe this is why Warped Tour didn’t really feel as Warped this year. Don’t get it twisted – we still had a great time. But I feel like we spent most of the day under the ampitheater because most of the bands we wanted to see were playing on the two Journeys stages there and that’s my least favorite spot. It’s hard to get close to the stage and the atmosphere is just off. I want all my favorite bands to be playing on the two main stages in the parking lot! UGH.

#WarpedTourProblems

Chooch: You should go to Warped Tour because there’s a lot of stuff you can do! A lot of amazing merch, and amazing bands, there you go. It’s a summary.

Wow, Chooch should do commercials. And also read more books to broaden his weak vocab!

But seriously, the merch just gets better and better. Chooch and I both wanted a Pentagram shirt that said “Hail Seitan, Go Vegan” on it but then I would have felt like a poser because I’m not a full-time vegan, just a regular old vegetarian.

I wish I could encapsulate the sounds and smells of Warped Tour (maybe not the stinky armpits stench though) into a live action snowglobe so that I can enjoy it all year round. It’s my favorite environment. All the stages of stanky bass and gutteral bellows, all the (poor) fashion choices, all the vulgarity from the carny-esque merch slingers—it’s a fucking scene kid dreamscape.

Speaking of scene kids though — I REALLY miss the scene kids from the 2007-2010 era. Gone are the raccoon-haired scene queens and the fluorescent YOLO booty shorts and the crabcore stages and the swoop-y hair on the boys. I miss this! Now it’s mostly just a bunch of regular looking kids with tattoos and piercings but nothing extraordinarily flamboyant.

We noticed that there were a lot more families there this year, which is interesting. There were a lot of older bands on the tour this year, specifically to get the older fans to start coming out again, and I guess it worked. Usually Chooch is one of the few kids out and about but there seemed to be a TON this time. Don’t worry — none of them were as cool as Chooch though.

And here is a random accidental upside photo of body-painted legs.

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Chooch played a Name That Tune-type of game at the Truth tent and was getting super frustrated because he never knew BOTH the name of the song and the band, only just one or the other. I eventually left because Movements was starting on the nearby Full Sail stage, and that’s when Chooch finally got one right: some song by Migos?! I have no idea who this even is, but he won a super sweet t-shirt that has A DONUT ON THE POCKET. I love the Truth tent.

OK, my next Warped Tour post will be about the bands, and then we can close this chapter until next year!

Last Friday before Warped Tour*, Chooch referenced the guacamole song and was shocked when I said I didn’t know it. 

“Oh my god, srsly? It was a HUGE MEME!” he exclaimed, not even trying to hide his disgust and disappointment in me. WOW SORRY IM OUT OF THE MEME LOOP. I’m busy on other parts of the Internet! (The eastern parts.)

SIDE NOTE: That Milky Way bitch‘s reaction was similar  when Henry only wanted three items in his calzone. 

He made me play it on the way to Warped Tour and within 5 seconds Henry and I were letting the janitors in for a good old brain-washing. (That sentence originally said “on the way to THE Warped Tour” like I’m some regular old mom in khaki Croft & Barrow knee-length shorts and a yellow polo shirt.)

The comments are the best. A bunch of them were like, “Please tell me how to peel a tomato” and I laughed, because INORITE but then Henry the Kitchen Nerd hiked up his pants, pushed his glasses up his nose, and said, “Actually, you soak it—-”

OH SHUT UP, HENRY. 

And then all day at Warped Tour, this damn song was in my head, and whenever I would finally start to tune it out, Chooch would lean over and say, “Guac-amole. Guac guac-amole.” AHHHHH. There’s not enough Kpop in the world to erase this from my mind. 

So now let it eat away at your brain too while you’re out in the yard “forming” your vegetables. 

*(Speaking of Warped Tour, I haven’t closed the 2017 chapter yet! I have two more posts that need finished but I have been distracted by the oppressing summer heat and my compulsion to exercise every night after work to the point of passing out. I don’t have a problem or anything.)

…until I finally see Kwon Ji-yong with my very own (very bad) eyes. Today, Lori was sizing up the countdown calendar and said, “God, you’re going to be a mess next week!” And I hadn’t even thought of that until now, but holy shit I’m going to be a MESS NEXT WEEK. 

I’ve been trying very hard to not watch too many YouTube videos of his shows on this current tour. It’s been really hard to stay away though! I did see this tonight though and it blew me away because this guy typically hates everything I love (his Dance Gavin Dance album reviews make my inner Internet troll come alive) but his reaction to G-Dragon’s latest album is actually really glowing and he even says HE IS SURPRISED HE’S NOT MORE POPULAR HERE. Tell me about it, Anthony—I can’t get anyone to take him seriously!

Not gonna lie, the weekend peaked super early on when Chooch and I saved that giant moth Saturday morning. I mean, how do you top actual, legitimate heroics? 

You just don’t. 

But the rest of Saturday was pretty good. Here are pictures. 

I wore the new DGD shirt that Henry oppa bought me at Warped Tour and I love it so much. Ringer tees for life, amirite. Makes me want to go and remake Battle of the Network Stars. “What’s all the hullabaloo?!”

When Chooch and I were walking home from the aforementioned moth rescue, we passed Bob and his Corgi Spencer. Chooch low key stalks them but that’s whatever. 

“I don’t want to get involved in other people’s lives or anything,” Chooch started off very seriously. “But I really wish Bob didn’t smoke.” He was so concerned! I love that Chooch cares about people. Anyway, Chooch went on to say that one time he was walking by Bob’s house and heard a piano being played. 

“Bob said it was wife playing,” Chooch said and I don’t know why but I was caught off guard. 

“Oh wow I guess I just always figured Bob’s wife was dead,” I said. And then, “What if she is and that was her ghost playing the piano?!” 

Chooch started humming the song he heard being played by Bob’s alleged “wife,” and I couldn’t think of the name of it. I guess Bob had told Chooch, but he forgot and was upset because he wants to learn it. 

WOW WHAT AN INTERESTING STORY. 

(Side note: all jokes aside, Bob is such a sweet guy. Even though small talk normally makes my soul shrivel, I will always stop for Bob & Spencer.)

We were in dire need of a new slipcover for the couch (maybe one day when I have cats that don’t scratch everything, I will feel like I can safely throw down on a new couch but until then – thriftier couches and sip covers it is!) and now our couch matches the wheelchair because I guess you could say THAT’S JUST HOW WE ROLL AROUND HERE. 

Later in the afternoon, Chooch and I sat in the car like dogs while henry went into Home Depot and Boring Auto Parts and we were so annoyed because ugh boring Henry Running boring errands. 

But then we went to the pet cem to visit the Original 4 and do some gravesite tidying. Afterward, we went to Yough Twist where I made a foul by chocolate-dipping my tangerine soft serve. I thought it would taste like one of the wonderful Orange chocolates but NO IT DID NOT. I was sad, and it was also extremely messy to the point where I actually made a bigger mess than Chooch for once (though, he had a sundae so can you even really compare the mess factors of the two?).

The rest of Saturday was full of walks around Brookline because I’m determined to be labeled as Verified Brookline Crazy, Kpopx with Henry (yeah boiiiiiii, he’s halfway-brainwashed), and just general family time I guess. 

Oh wait, I remember. Chooch has been binge-watching How I Met Your Mother so we were watching some episodes with him and he was getting mad because henry and I kept whispering to each other about the episode because we watched the whole series in real time, lol. And we ate chips and salsa. 

The next morning, I woke up and took this picture of Penelope before remembering that I was mad at Henry for bringing chips into the house because I’m TRYNA STAY AWAY FROM SALT, DUMBASS. 

So I stormed out of the house and went for a mad walk around town, where I found a WALLET LAYING ON THE STREET. the drivers license told me the owner lives right across the street from where I found it, so I returned it like the goody two shoes I am. No one answered when I knocked (it was 8:30 on a Sunday morning—I wouldn’t answer the door either oh wait I never answer the door no matter what day or time it is, never mind) so I just left the wallet between the doors. 

Saving moths and returning lost wallets – this is the life of the Brookline Vigilante. 

I think I need a cape. 

I rode the wave of Good Samaritanism all the way home (as opposed to the usual Crude Satanism) and peacefully watched an episode of Goblin. Everyone was happy that I was happy. 

Believe me. 

Later in the afternoon, we visited Patty at the nursing facility. It’s always nice to see Patty! We sat out on the patio and had a nice conversation with fellow resident Kevin. We told them about our heroic moth-saving episode and Kevin said it made him have the Mothra song stuck in his head. 

YES. 

And then Kevin said something about someone being a great entertainer and Chooch cried, “That’s it! ‘The Entertainer’!” And then he sighed a deep breath of relief because trying to remember the name of the song Bob’s dead wife has been damned to play for eternity was clearly driving him mad.

See? All my super lame stories tie together eventually. Except when they don’t. 

ISNT THIS A CUTE PATIO?

We eventually had to say goodbye to Patty because it was well past our scheduled afternoon feeding and I could feel myself getting woozy. (#HungerDramatics) We decided to eat right down the street from Patty at a semi-vegetarian joint called Milky Way. It was nothing fancy, just a pizza/sandwich shop where you order at the counter. I dislike places like that because I prefer full service, but we were super hungry and I was trying to be “easy-going” and “agreeable.”

Yeah I know right. 

Chooch managed to order his food without incident mostly because all he had to say was #3 and no when asked if he wanted cheese on it. 

When it was my turn, I received a blank look from the little ginger troll across the counter, and I had to physically point at the menu to prove to her that “whole wheat” was an option for the faux-chicken pesto wrap I ordered. 

I was slightly annoyed by this but was willing to move on because I just wanted to put a pesto-thing in my mouth. 

But then it was Henry’s turn to order and this is where things went south. He ordered a calzone, which seems simple enough. Like even a bimbo on the first day of the job could figure out how to scribble this one down on the pad. 

Henry said he wanted cheese, mushrooms, and hot peppers. 

She asked “red or green?”

Henry answered neither red nor green and instead said, “I want hot peppers.” He even took a page out of my book and pointed to the menu where it said HOT PEPPERS and she was like *blank*.

So Henry asked, “Don’t you have hot peppers?” Thankfully the cook overheard and came over to defuse the situation. It ended with Henry happily getting jalapeños and then walking away to grab a water out of the cooler. 

“What else do you want?” The Crimson Cooze asked as he walked away. 

“That’s it for the calzone,” he called over his shoulder, “and then just this water.”

I forgot to mention that Henry spoke this part of his order IN TONGUES because this bitch scrunched up her acne-laden face and said, “WHAT?! Whaaaaat?” 

FIVE TIMES SHE SAID THIS. How can I explain the tone….like a teenage twat not liking something her parents are telling her. This one monosyllabic word dragged out slowly and with exaggerated confusion, with derision and little bitch girl snottiness.  It was like Henry had a learning disability and she was utterly disgusted by him. It was the same way I would say “what??” if Henry was trying to talk about bands he knows nothing about, like boy you stay in your corner and let the big kids talk about music, lolkay?

It was like that. 

The look on her face, OMG. I was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER while she was spitting out these sickening “What???”s and the thought of lurching over the counter and scratching the freckles off her nasty little face was sounding like the best idea I ever had. 

“Wow, RUDE,” I said but she was too focused on Henry’s CONFUSING calzone order to notice. Henry had to RE-ORDER his calzone because she couldn’t grasp the idea of someone only getting THREE ingredients when the menu says you can order UP TO FOUR. So he was basically bullied into choosing a fourth ingredient while I was saying, “Fuck this shit hole, let’s just leave. We should just leave. I want to leave” But NOPE – Henry had to go and pay the dumb bitch so now we were stuck eating their cunty food. 

BUT DONT YOU FRET – I stared at that ginger bitch the whole time we were there and then wrote bad review on Yelp calling her out and I hope she gets fired. 

“The difference between you and me is that I can forgive,” Henry said around a mouthful of 4-ingredient calzone. 

“Oh I’ll never forgive her. I hope she rots. Dumb bitch. I hope she falls naked on a rake.” 
I can still see her puckered-up, indignant, sanctimonious, fug-face. GOD HELP ME. 

I was telling Glenn and Todd about it this morning and Glenn was all, “Hell yeah! Degrading Henry is your job!”

Like I know right. 

The rest of my day was half-ruined on account of having to stifle my rage. I hate when Henry chooses my battles for me.

What else…we went to Target and I didn’t get anything so then I was a baby about that until Henry put a frozen coffee in my hand to medicate I mean caffeinate me. I was mostly ok about that. 

I give the weekend a B-  

**************

In unrelated sort of weekend news that can be filed under “wow,” the music video for Psy’s “Love” came out today and while I’m pretty whatever about Psy, Taeyang is in this song and his beautiful voice is so perfect in it. He announced his first solo US tour and I want to go see him so badly in Chicago but the cap of the venue he’s playing is like 5,000 people and I’m scared I won’t be able to get a ticket. I decided a few weeks ago to forgo Riot Fest this year (lineup doesn’t excite me and that trip always ends up bleeding our bank account dry—we are not rich people) so I HOPE IT WAS FATE because there is no way in the world I would be able to do both. And I’m sorry, but Taeyang over Riot Fest any day. 

Henry had to work for a few hours this morning, so Chooch and I were over here unsupervised. I decided that I didn’t want to make coffee so I woke him up and suggested that we walk down to Brookline Boulevard so I could get an iced latte from Cafe Noir. I used to hate Cafe Noir because it moved in when Cannon Coffee closed, and the first latte I had tasted strange, not bad per se, but just kind of off. However, I’ve been there numerous times since then and the lattes have been phenomenal so now I think it was a problem with the soy milk that day? MAYBE IT WAS ROTTEN?! I don’t know.

Anyway, Chooch and I made it all the way there without disaster or talking to strangers or getting bit by dogs. I guess it was too early for domestic disputes, and the bars weren’t open yet, so the Boulevard was pretty quiet.

Las Palmas didn’t even have their insanely popular taco cart set up yet — it was that early.

Even too early for any strippers to be leaning all slinkily inside doorframes. (Chooch and I actually passed a trio of suspect hookers/strippers the other evening. When I mentioned it after we walked away, Chooch said, “Oh I didn’t notice. Why do you think they’re strippers? Because the one had on that that black shirt that was open all the way down to her bellybutton with a small bra underneath—”

And I interrupted to say, “Yeah and she had on that leather—”

“Choker,” Chooch finished knowingly. OK but yeah, he didn’t noticed.)

But yeah, back to this morning.

We made it to Cafe Noir, where I finally got my morning fix and Chooch ordered his Arnold Palmer with a strangulated stutter and then dwelled on it for the next minute, and probably even longer had we not noticed a small lump on the sidewalk two storefronts up from Cafe Noir.

At first I thought it was a furry leaf, but upon further inspection, Chooch and I found out that it was a MOTH! The largest moth I ever saw in real life! It was laying on its side with its wings together, so it just looked like a basic moth. I didn’t like that it was sitting out in the path of walkers, joggers, bikers, skaters, dogs, future serial killers who love to pull wings off beautiful things….so I said urgently to Chooch, “We have to move him. He’s not safe here!”

Chooch dove headfirst into the deep end of the animal rescue pool. If he was wearing long sleeves, this would be where he rolled them up in a serious LET’S DO THIS motion. JUST LIKE ON TV.

Ever since I was a child, I was always told DO NOT TOUCH A MOTH BECAUSE YOU WILL RUB OFF THE POWDER FROM ITS WINGS AND IT WILL DIEEEEE. So I have never touched a moth or a butterfly because I’m not a murderer.

Of animals or insects, that is.

So I grabbed the nearest leaf and gently tapped it against the moth’s legs or whatever they’re called.

And it was at that moment that it twitched and sat up straight, and in the most dramatic fashion it spread it’s huge wings open wide to reveal the grandest markings I have ever seen on this side of a slideshow in a darkened science classroom.

Chooch and I cried a seriously impressed “WHOA!” in unison, and leaned in closer to admire this total babe all spread out in front of us. People were walking by giving us double takes, because what are those dummies looking at, last night’s puke? A discarded syringe?

NO, JUST A GIFT FROM NATURE, RIGHT HERE IN FROM THE RECORD STORE. YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND.

I swear to god, this majestic moth was the size of half my hand. We expected it to fly away now that it’s wings were open, but it still just sat there.

“Maybe it’s injured,” I said sadly. We tried a few more times to move it, to at least scoot it over closer to the window of the record store where it was out of the direct path of foot traffic but it was becoming increasingly clear that it wasn’t going to budge.

“We can’t do this without something sturdier to slide under it. I hate to leave it but I don’t think there’s anything we can do for it without touching it with our hands and I don’t want to hurt it!” I cried.

“Too bad we don’t have like, a plastic lid or something,” Chooch shrugged hopelessly as we started to walk away. And then 10 feet later, no lie, there was an old red tupperwear lid laying on the sidewalk.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? IT WAS A FUCKING OMEN! Just like the time Chooch was singing some semi-obscure song from the 80s that I can’t remember at the time of this writing, and then it came on the radio at Eat n Park. He has a bit of magic in him I think. OR HE’S REALLY GOOD AT HIDING HIS SORCERY SCHOOL SYLLABUS. Why did I capslock that, who knows with me, I have blogging dementia. 

Chooch grabbed the magically materialized lid and we excitedly ran back to our post-caterpillar charity case and if this were a silent film from the 20s, the caption at the bottom would say HELP IS ON THE WAY! as Chooch and I crashed into each other and fell into a heap of incompetence and idiocy.

With steady concentration and determination, we were able to scoop the moth up on the lid. There was a small grassy area — you know, like a tree bed or whatever you call those parts of sidewalks that are grassy with flowers and bushes and usually some small trees too — a few feet away from our starting point, and I made it almost all the way there before the moth flopped back onto the sidewalk.

“Nooo!” Chooch and I yelled with unbridled anguish. We sat back down on the sidewalk, trying to essentially tickle the moth back onto the lid with a leaf.

An old man stopped.

“Wow, that’s a big Monarch butterfly!” he exclaimed and we were like yeah whatever guy it’s not a butterfly, probably, but we don’t know, so maybe. (Actually, we used our Phone a Friend lifeline later and asked Chris via text, who confirmed that it was a moth so…..sucks to be wrong, old man.)

I explained that it appeared to be injured so we wanted to move it out of harm’s way so that he wouldn’t think we were mothnapping it for our bug prostitution ring or something.

“Oh it’s injured?” he repeated.

Well I mean it’s NOT FLYING AWAY SO EITHER HELP US OR LEAVE, OLD MAN, UGH.

He lost interest and left.

But then a couple who had passed us earlier paused on their way back. The man part of the couple got real close to us and asked tentatively, “So, what’s going on here?” while the girl part of the couple stood far back, shaking her head in an UH UH, NOPE, NO BUGS FOR ME fashion.

We sighed and explained once again our mission, but this man, this kind brave avuncular soul said to us, “Oh, I have something that I can help.”

He set down the shopping bag he was carrying and I waited for him to pull out the butterfly net or the Magic Moth Dust jar, but instead it was two Avon flyers. He placed one on the ground, on either side of the moth, slowly pushed them together until the moth was in the middle of the makeshift gurney, and asked us, “Where we taking it?”

Chooch pointed to the grass next to us, and our wonderful Samaritan gently laid the flyers down and let the moth free in its new safe haven.

“Oh my god, thank you so much!” I cried.

“Oh, you’re welcome! I like helping animals too. Oh, and while I’m at it….” he said, pausing to reach into his shopping bag for the chloroform-soaked handkerchiefs to help him turn Chooch and me into the latest items of his People of Brookline trafficking catalogue. “—I’m helping my daughters sell Avon, so you keep that flyer and here’s an Avon book, too,” he said, handed me all kinds of Avon literature, which I happily accepted because I’d rather wear gross Avon perfume than a chloroform handkerchief any day.

The guy’s name was Marcus, and I will never forget him.

As we parted ways, saying one last goodbye to Moth, we turned just in time to see a man walking his pug straight into the path of where we had originally found Moth.

“DID YOU SEE THAT?!” Chooch yelled with his hand over his chest like a Golden Girl. “THAT is why we had to move that moth!”

I wholeheartedly agreed.

We walked the rest of the way home, sucking on our Cafe Noir drinks with the force of two firefighters, exhausted and dehydrated from putting out some 5 Alarm blaze, recounting our Super Big Exciting OMG Can You Believe It Morning, adrenaline pumping and egos flaring. Then Chooch and some old man crashed into each other on Pioneer Ave, and then awkwardly stood in a weird embrace as the old man struggled to regain his bearings, and Chooch wiped his Arnold Palmer spills from his shirt. It was great to watch as a third-party bystander.

As soon as we got home, I sent Henry this text:

He literally had no fucks and negative cares to give about this. Chooch and I were extremely offended.

“What exactly did you save it from?” Henry went on to text from work.

“Imminent death?!” I replied, like duh, what a dumb question, and Henry replied that he thought I was being a bit extreme.

*************************************************

“Why didn’t you just pick it up?” Henry asked me just a little while ago, so I told him about what I had learned as a kid.

“Didn’t you ever hear that?” I asked.

“No!” he laughed, and his outright skepticism made me google it just now and turns out IT’S NOT TRUE! So I basically missed out on 30+ years of moth touching? I did read a lot of things just now that say while it won’t kill moths and butterflies, it could still shorten their lifespan and handling them incorrectly could fatally injure them. So probably it’s for the best that we didn’t pick up Moth with our fumbling, uncoordinated meat-mitts. I also read that they like to play dead, so hopefully that means Moth wasn’t actually injured, but just in some type of self-preservation mode.

A few hours ago, Chooch and I walked back to where we left Moth, and he was gone! We took that as a good sign, that Moth presumably flew home to his family in….a bush or wherever they live, with Saturday morning donut crumbs from Party Cake bakery. What I refuse ti believe is that some dumb dog devoured him or that it hopped out into the road and…..don’t make me spell it out for you. :(

God, it feels great to be a hero though. If I was a Girl Scout, I bet I would have earned a badge.

This was Chooch’s first Warped Tour in 2013. Today will be his 5th Warped Tour and my 12th! I’m so excited!

I decided to live blog it because it’s the best day of the year (except not this year because G DRAGON will take that prize) and I like to remember every single detail!! (I tried this last year and it was ruined because of dumb life drama that interfered with my Best Day Ever, so let’s give it another shot, woo.)

• 9:59am: We just stopped home after eating breakfast at Pamela’s because Warped Tour starts an hour and a half later this year so we had time for real breakfast! Now we’re watching a Boz Scaggs video (Look What You’ve Done To Me) lol and then we’re heading out! 

• 10:46am: Almost to whatever they’re calling the amphitheater these days and the sun is out! It was raining all morning and looking pretty grim. I still brought my rain poncho just in case, which I bought when I was originally going to the Penguins victory parade and it was supposed to rain but then I didn’t go and it didn’t rain anyway, and then I brought it to KCON but it only rained for 5 minutes and not very hard so I didn’t open it, and then the furry parade too but I didn’t need it there either. So it’s still in the package. WILL I NEED IT TODAY OR NO?!
• 11:08am WE’RE HERE! No one knows about our preferred line this year so it’s just and three Motionless in White fans. Chooch is getting lotioned-up and it’s hilarious to watch. 

• 11:32am: CRISIS! Chooch got sunblock in his eyes and now everyone in line has to suffer with him. It’s glorious drama. 

• 12:40pm: We’ve been inside for about 30 minutes and everything is wonderful! Chooch’s eye doesn’t hurt anymore because he saw Ainsley from Jule Vera and “kind of” talked to her sort of but mostly it was me talking to one of the guys because I’m Chooch’s handler. And then some guy knocked Henry’s hat off accidentally and said “sorry sir” lol it’s funny because Henry is old. We also saw some guy who swabbed us to become bone marrow donors at Riot Fest so we talked to him for a bit because Warped Tour turns henry and me into functioning adults with a good grasp on small talk and social cues. 

• 1:11pm: Moderately interested in American Authors on one of the Journeys stages under the amphitheater, taking selfies. Chooch was dry-heaving because he thought he touched dried up Copenhagen (“You know, that stuff you dip” he said, STICKING THE SAME FINGER THAT TOUCHED IT TO HIS MOUTH TO DEMONSTRATE. Now who’s dry-heaving.)

American Authors being American and author-y. 

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• 2:19: I fell in love with Boston Manor, had a sample of Malteasers, ate delicious vegan cheese in the PETA2 tent, and got a FREE SLUSHIE!

Meanwhile, lakeshore is playing on the Hard Rock stage and I said to Chooch, “This sounds familiar, like something I would have listened to in 2008” and 12 seconds later Henry came back from the garbage can and said, “They sound familiar like someone we would have went to see in 2008.” wtf. I hate when we have the same thoughts. 

• 2:38pm Literally having our eardrums pummeled all day long by the best assortment of bands and Chooch STILL wants to constantly talk and then gets MAD when we can’t hear him?!?! Like boy is this your first Warped Tour or what? Also Chooch just realized that there are spots throughout the Warped Tour program to have bands sign so now he wants to get every single band to sign it, GOOD LUCK. This isn’t Disney World, bro!

Chooch hounding the singer of Lakeshore for his autograph. 

• 2:58pm: What’s worse–listening to Neck Deep or Chooch singing the Guacamole Song OR BOTH HAPPENING AT ONCE. 
• 4:22pm: BREAKING NEWS Chooch’s eye hurts again. Now it’s because he has a slight sunburn from washing away all the sunblock during his earlier crisis. We’re sitting on the hill enjoying Microwave, which is ironic because our microwave died a few weeks ago and we haven’t cared enough to buy a new one yet. Also by “we’re enjoying” I should hope that you know I just mean me. Right before this I saw Movements and they were beyond excelsior. I saw them a year ago as well and couldn’t wait to see them again. 

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Oh and oppa got Dance Gavin Dance shirts for Chooch & me. #SoSpoiled #MuchTerrible

• 6:37pm: Taking a grass break after a bit of Silent Planet, chooch getting his picture taken with two guys from Gwar, being all close to Jule Vera, and then Henry and Chooch ditching me so I had to watch Hands Like Houses alone. 

This Slurpee picture is from hours ago but they just finally texted it to me. What we do for Slurpee coupons I guess.  

The guy taking the pictures for the Gwar signing was kind enough to take this slick selfie. I KNEW HE WAS DOING THAT TOO. He was wearing little leather speedos with a tail, aka Henry’s next Halloween costume. 

Chooch apparently talked to Ainsley from Jule Vera at their booth while I was at Hands Like Houses but I wasn’t there so I don’t believe it. 

• 6:50pm: I’m sitting on a hillside, listening to Farewell Winters, and dreaming about the feast I’m going to have when I leave here. Also, remember when the waitress at Pamela’s told me she liked my nail polish colors and then Chooch said it reminds him of Chris’s house because she had M&Ms the same color and he said “had” because they’re gone now. Because he ate them. But no you wouldn’t remember that because I wasn’t live blogging yet!
• 7:10pm: OMG my Dance Gavin Dance friend who is a manager at Journeys is here!!
• 8:26pm: we’re in the amphitheater getting ready for DGD which means we have to endure Attila who are playing on the other stage. I can’t believe people like this shit. It’s so corny—like Limp Bizkit 2.0. I just realized they’ve only been playing for 6 minutes but it feels like an hour and my brain is crying. 
• 9:17pm: Just got to the car. Chooch asked earnestly, “Did you have fun?” AW. AND ALSO: YES. 
• 9:24pm: I’m bitching about how those young girls still look so fucking fresh and beautiful after a day of sweating at Warped Tour while my face looks like a Christmas ham. “You don’t look bad,” Henry said. I don’t look good either!

UPDATE FROM SATURDAY: wow so after my last update, we went to Sheetz where I projected over an overstuffed sandwich that I couldn’t eat,  but really I was just sick and delirious because I had a sun virus (henry said I was just dehydrated ok Doc Robbins PhD) and by the time we got home, I was ready to crash so that’s what I did after half-assedly washing my face (sorry Korean skincare regimin!)

I’ll be back with a post-Warped recap as usual but I just wanted to say that this was perhaps one of my favorite Warped Tours because Chooch’s attention span is definitely improving (lol), we all seemed to mostly like each other all day (guys, excessive heat and sun exposure can bring out some major wickedness in people don’t don’t like you”d be an angel out there), and there were some really wonderful small bands/hidden gems on the lineup this year. In fact, we didn’t go to the main stages at all this year. 

Ending with Dance Gavin Dance was just so supreme though. Can’t explain how that band makes me feel but it is some hybrid between exuberant and that lady who invented Prancercize. 

Warning: This blog post is a shit show of typos (probably), gross overuse of exclamatory statements, and a landmine of videos that no one will watch. Please just pretend that you’re reading the blog of a fifteen-year-old and then it will make more sense.

Ahhhh, this was the night I was waiting for! Twice and CNBlue were both performing and I was pinching myself repeatedly because HOW WAS THIS NOT A K-DREAM?

Henry dropped us off at the Prudential Center around the time line-up was beginning. This was one of my few complaints about KCON and maybe it’s more of the Prudential Center, but holy shit was this a clutserfucked disarray of clueless people, Chooch and myself included. The side of the arena we had lined up the night before was completely different so I asked one of the KCON volunteers and he said we needed to be on the opposite side. So we left a perfectly good line and trudged back to the side where Henry had dropped us off, only to find five messy lines full of people who had no clue where they were supposed to be. I know this because I kept asking people if we were in the right line and it was a bunch of undulating question marks, people.

So many confused souls.

Some of the guys from the AT&T tent came over near our line with huge boxes of extra finger heart hats and they started giving them away, so at least we got a small prize for getting in line a million hours early when we had seats. We got one for Henry too who refuses to wear his in public because he knows he can’t pull off that k-look.

Meanwhile, a girl in the next line over noticed my Pierce the Veil shirt and started singing “Yeah Boy & Doll Face” and we lowkey became best friends.  OG PTV fans unite!

We finally got to go inside after having security scream in our faces about what we couldn’t bring in and Chooch was about to lose his shit because like me, he hates being screamed at by authority figures—it doesn’t scare him, it just makes him want to fight. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD TRAIT HE PICKED UP FROM MOMMY.

Once we were safely in our nosebleed seats, we took a selca (selfie for you Americans) to send to Henry who didn’t answer right away because he was probably at a strip club –  LOL JK he was most definitely laying in bed at the hotel, watching lame TV shows on his phone.

One of the first things I noticed when dipping my toe into the Kpop pond was that the audience was always waving some type of glowing wand in every live video I watched, no matter what group it was. That’s when I learned about LIGHT STICKS and how each group has their own design.

I wanted to buy one immediately but then I never did because I honestly never thought I’d be attending any Kpop concerts in the near future—I love when I’m wrong about these kinds of things!

We couldn’t find any light sticks on the first day because we didn’t look hard enough, but by the second day, we got our coveted Awesome Wands! They didn’t have merch for each individual group (aside from some unofficial stuff like pins, etc) so we had to stick with the KCON light stick which was better than nothing! I just wish I had bought a Twice Candybong online beforehand like I was considering.

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On this second night of KCON, we were treated to a tear-jerking violin performance by Jun Curry Ahn (“This is from ‘Goblin’!” I yelled in Chooch’s ear during the rendition of Crush’s “Beautiful” and Chooch just rolled his eyes because he won’t let himself trust-fall into the strong yet cushion-y arms of Korean dramas) who also did a bit of dancing too when he performed his cover of BTS’s “Spring Day.” I loved it! But when I sent Henry the short clip I recorded, he was just like, “OK.” Nothing impresses Henry, except for airplanes, and possibly when he knows the meaning of a moderately large word used on NCIS.

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The dance group 1Million also performed and Chooch and I were blown away. I want him to learn to dance but he doesn’t seem to understand just yet that being a good dancer gets the girls.

As soon as 1Million was done, the KCON intro started up, getting us all hyper and screaming. I expected Up10tion to come out first, but KCON had a surprise for us! They put together a JYP tribute stage (JYP is one of the labels/agencies in S. Korea) and who rose up from below the stage?

Momo, Nayeon, Mina, and Sana from Twice! They performed part of “Bad Girl Good Girl” by Miss A, and I’m pretty sure the girl behind me had a bloody throat from shrieking. Then they left the stage as Jihyo, Tzuyu, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Jeongyeon (Chooch’s and my bias!) came out to sing Wonder Girls’ “Nobody” (I just made Henry do the KpopX workout routine to this song last weekend!) and then my throat joined the throat of the girl behind me in a collective pool of blood:

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The JYP special stage ended with all nine of them performing JY Park’s “Honey.”

[Fun crossover-culture fact for my non-kpop people: JY Park (the head of JYP, obv.) has a music video featuring Conan O’Brien and Steven Jeun from “The Walking Dead.” Watch it or not. I’ll never know.]

Now that Twice got us all riled up, the main event was ready to begin with Up10tion completely wowing us with their dance moves and super adorable fan engaging. Chooch was getting all kinds of fashion tips from them (who am I to deny my son of the hot pink blazer he now desperately covets?) while I was feeling the beginning of a new obsession starting.

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THEY WERE REALLY FUN, OK.

And they performed the new song they were talking about at the fan engagement that morning, and I loved it! When the video was finally released a week later, I was so excited and now I will post it here and make you all watch it (no seriously, you have to watch this one):

NCT-127 was next and while I was interested, I wasn’t expecting to get all caught up in the hype. They’re clearly one of the latest “it boy groups” that all the girls are fighting over and even though I watched some of their videos, and even one of their appearances on Weekly Idol (which is how I learned one of them is from Chicago and his name, obviously, is Johnny), I just wasn’t getting caught up in it. One of the kpop dance workouts I do uses their song “Firetruck” and I actually don’t care much for the song but I like the dance routine so it’s one of the ones I do regularly. Well, I’m here to tell you that I now officially love the song and the group because their moxie-level is higher than that dude who sold me iced coffee in an alley head shop. Chooch and I agreed that the boy groups on night two were the best and mostly because of their dancing.

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I get it now, girls. And if I hadn’t gotten it right away, I sure as fuck would have been chugging the kool-aid after they finished their awkward Fortune Wheel and came back to perform CHERRY BOMB. (Again, this was another song that I wasn’t feeling when it was first released, but after those basslines nearly brought the house down, I was fucking sold and have this song playing in my head at least 127 different times a day.)

Because the word “honestly” is in my blog, I feel like I need to be a little negative for just one quick second and admit that I hated their outfits OK MOVING ALONG…

(I mean, their dancing pretty much makes up for their weird Uncle-Rodney-Came-to-Xmas-Dinner-in-1968-Drunk-Again pantsuits.)

OK, what happened next was that Chooch and I were skyrocketed straight up into Kpop heaven. Straight the fuck up, no rest stops, no traffic, no time to fight over the music selection.

BECAUSE IT WAS TIME FOR TWICE!

Sure, we already had a sneak peek earlier in the night with the JYP special stage, but nothing could have prepared us for the aegyo explosion as they performed Signal, Cheer Up, Knock Knock, and motherfucking TT!!!!!

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Oh, stop! Have you ever seen more perfect angels on a stage?!

Chooch and I were sufficiently shocked and awed. After each song, Chooch sat up straight and clapped with the purest sincerity, like he was at the opera, and it was so adorable. He said they were his favorite of the whole weekend and I have to agree — the whole place just exploded with enthusiasm the entire time they were on stage.

For their turn at the Fortune Wheel, they got “photo time” and they made the best of it. HOW ARE THEY SO ADORABLE?! I sent this to Henry and he was like, “Is that all they did the whole time was make cute poses?” and Chooch and I were like IT WAS DURING THE FORTUNE WHEEL, DUMMY.

This guy next to me was there with his wife, I guess, and his expression never changed all night. He never smiled, applauded, laughed—-nothing. He eventually got up and left during Twice and never came back. Some people just weren’t meant to feel joy I guess.

I wish Blake had been there with us — he really likes Twice too! And Henry admitted that he was sort of sad Chooch took his ticket because he was secretly to see Twice. Guys, I make him watch a lot of Twice TV, where they’re out and about being super adorable and funny. We’re all Onces in our house (THAT’S WHAT TWICE FANS CALL THEMSELVES, GET WITH IT).

There’s a video of Tzuyu and Jeongyeon in Times Square during KCON weekend, standing in a crowd and watching a bunch of people do a dance cover of TT – and they went completely unnoticed. I would have died if I turned around and saw them standing behind me!

I have tons of videos from their stages (in kpop world, they will say, “We hope you like our next stage” before starting the next song; these are the things I’m learning on your behalf, you’re welcome), but I will spare you.

I can’t remember now if Up10tion did their special Broadway stage before or after Twice, but in any case, they came out and performed some Abba song from Mama Mia, whatever the song is where they said “honey,” I don’t know musicals. This was adorable though because Up10tion fans are called Honeys! Oh, kpop.

The finale of the whole KCON experience was CNBlue. They’re the most veteran out of the whole lineup, and the only group that’s also an actual band. The lead singer, Yong Hwa, is my favorite Running Man guest! He’s made more guest appearances on the show than anyone else, and he is just a great competitor AND SO NICE TO LOOK AT.

They started off their stage with “Between Us” and I was having heart palpitations.

Yong Hwa gave such good fan service, too! He was all over the stage, taking selfies with audience members’ phones, dancing so prettily – it was a phenomenal performance, and Yong Hwa’s English is so good!

Really, there isn’t anything more I can say other than [INSERT 823981 SUPERLATIVES HERE]. KCON was so dreamy, so jam-packed with fun and amazement and opportunities, and honestly it was just what me and my little family needed. A break from the bullshit, into this surreal world of pop perfection.

During the Goodbye Stage, I started crying (of course) and Chooch started talking about “when we come back next year” and I was like, “OMG ARE WE?!”

“I don’t know, I’m not in charge of that!” Chooch said. Ugh that’s right: Henry is.

Unless you’re a complete furophobic square, the first weekend of July is the best if you live in Pittsburgh. It’s when you can get all your anthropomorphic tendencies and childhood mascot dreams out of hit system by getting whacked with tails and high-fived by anything from a furry dog paw to a fuzzy shark fin.

YES FRIENDS, IT’S FURRY TIME. (More officially known as Anthrocon.)

I don’t know if it’s just the mental malaise I’m doggy-paddling through or the novelty has worn off or what, but I just wasn’t as into it this year. Typically, I begin furry-stalking on the Wednesday before the convention, because one is sure to bump into a stray wolf or cat early into the festivities. I did see some this year while I was out on my lunchbreak walks, and Lori and I even hung out next to the hotel they stay in, ACTING CASUALLY like we weren’t actually there to gawk and wave.

(I think if we’re being honest, it’s because my favorite furry wasn’t there this year so I didn’t have his dapper tophat and flippers to look forward to.)

But then I figured the third annual furry parade would get me into the spirit. So I dragged Henry and Chooch downtown on Saturday, July 1st to claim the same spot we’ve had for the last three years to ogle the veritable congo-line of fursuits.

This was our giddy “Henry is behind us on the trolley, hngggggh” face.

On our walk to the convention center, I pointed out all of the decrepitude that I see on the reg when I’m out and about on my lunch breaks.

“And there’s my favorite homeless person that I was mad at for a minute because I saw him using on a cell phone, and oh shit oh shit oh shit—-” I sputtered just as BRING SOME HOME TO DADDY walked past us.

All in the same second! It was like if I wrote a mediocre novel about my lunch time walks and then after I died, some really lame tour company put together an “Erin’s Lunch Break” walking tour for tourists who thought they paid to see the basement of the Alamo, but nope – just Pittsburgh alleys and the spot where some asshole attacked a man with a machete.

OK back to the furries. Chooch is suddenly super starstruck around them to the point where he was too bashful to even ask for a picture. I kept reminding him that they were just real people underneath it all, but he was like, “UGH I HATE MYSELF I CAN’T DO IT!” so he let numerous photo ops slip between his sweaty, grit-encrusted fingers.

And then he finally got the nerve to ask a tiger for a picture, but the tiger brusquely said, “I’m late for a photoshoot” and TOTALLY BRUSHED HIM OFF.

Oh shit son, you got snubbed!

Once he got his voice back and was able to ask furries for permission, he kept trying to me take the pictures using his tablet like I’m some dime-a-dozen soccer mom!

But then Chris and Monica arrived and shit got crunk (shoutout to 2006 or whatever year dumb white people appropriated that dumb word). Things are always 374897203497b254 times more fun with those two!

Anyway, the parade was fairly anti-climatic. There were no arrests that I was aware of, no obscene political demonstrations, no furry fisticuffs. Just good old-fashioned undulating mascot fun!

Guys, this was the best furry in town and I don’t even think he was actually a part of Anthrocon. I tweeted this picture and the guy inside the pigsuit RT’d and was all “It me!” Turns out he’s a local comedian. BRAVO, SIR. BRAVO.

I was simultaneously horrified and aroused by these bare-skinned lion-gladiator things.

This is the furry that snubbed Chooch. Wow. There wasn’t anything that great about him anyway. Hope he had fun at his dumb photoshoot.

If Ronald McDonald became a furry?

Chooch and I fought over who got the most high-fives, as usual, but I think I was the real winner because one of the furries pointed to my shirt, pointed to themself, and then gave the thumbs up. I was wearing my KPOP vs EVERYBODY shirt so obviously they liked kpop too and I felt an instant bond!

“I mean, there has to be some crossover here,” Monica said, and now I wonder if any of them had been to KCON the week prior! Ugh, I should have worn that shirt instead. I might have walked away with a whole flock of Kpop-loving furry friends. I WONDER WHICH GROUP THAT FURRY STANS?!

OMG this thing was so cool and creepy! I like how confident he/she was. Like, “Furries don’t have to be furry if they’ve got the fur inside.” I don’t know. It’s not like I have an Etsy shop full of inspirational furry posters or anything.

(WHY, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD?)

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 After the parade, we briefly caught up with fellow furry lover Sandy and her fam, and then decided to stick around downtown. It was a beautifully sunny day and none of us had anywhere else we needed to be right away, so ice cream from Sinful Sweets and a river walk to the Point happened, and it was honestly the most chill, perfectly-summer afternoon I had all season. Good company is all you need! 

Plus, we got to peep a wedding party in blinding gold lamé that looked like they mermaided here straight from Tony and Anna wedding on Days of Our Lives circa 1980-something. At first we were like “Ha! OK gaudy!” But then we decided we liked it and now i think Henry might actually propose sometime this century because he wants  Monica and Chris to wear similar dresses in our wedding party, no sandals allowed. (His rules, guys!)

And then Chooch and Chris walked ahead of us, speaking in their secret language while Monica, Henry and I hung back and yawned a lot because that fucking sun was great for a minute but it really zapped the energy from us. 

We to Dunkin’ Donuts to refuel on caffeine and somehow, Henry, Monica and I got trapped inside the vestibule while an Asian family featuring four elderly people utilizing different wheeled walking aids (2 wheelchairs, two rolling walkers, plus one bonus cane) came limping through the doors, smashing us against the glass wall. But we were polite about it because aw, old ppl. But then on their heels came another family, who thought we were just your standard Dunkin Donuts welcome wagon I guess, and they proceeded to also barrel their way in and I thought Monica was going to rip her face off to reveal that gif of the man’s exploding head from “Scanners” and even Henry, Patron Saint of Patience, was like, “ARE WE ON CANDID CAMERA” while I stood there wondering how many other 1980s pop culture references I could waste on this landfill of nonsense. 

I’m surprised none of them tried to hang their fanny packs and canes on us like the ornamental coat racks we apparently are. 

Meanwhile, Chris and Chooch were gabbing away, still inside Dunkin Donuts, and we were like  HOW DID THEY NOT NOTICE THIS.

And this has been “Erin Goes to the Furry Parade, & other loosely-related tales.”

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Major breaking news: I somehow coerced Henry into doing not one, not two, but FIVE Kpop dance workouts with me last night and tonight! Even Chooch joined in for some of it (he loves K-Kardio’s routine for “Fire” by BTS). We had so much fun (laughing at Henry)!!

I try not to be one of those annoying “I AM ON A DIET/GOING TO THE GYM” people who do nothing but talk about their progress, because last time I checked, this wasn’t a fitness blog and literally no one cares, but it has really changed my life so much. Exercising isn’t a drag, I’m not starving, I freaking love the Korean food Henry makes me everyday, and I just feel so much better in so many ways. 

Today, for example, I tried on a Warped Tour shirt that we bought Chooch in 2013….it’s an adult XS. And it freaking fit me. And not even like a sausage-casing either! Just like…a normal tank. Granted, Chooch got so many permanent stains on it that I can’t wear it without looking like a slob. This is also the first summer I’ve worn shorts in public without being worried about how I look. (I might have body dysmorphia and super low self esteeem. I mean, duh.)

Just today, I was reminiscing about how I was addicted to diet pills from GNC, back when none of the bad shit was banned yet, and there was one time my then-boyfriend found me passed out on the bathroom floor and promptly flushed my pills down the toilet because he was so afraid I was going to die. And also the time I bent over to tie my shoes and passed out because: diet pills. 

Pill Diet. 

My friend Brian and I even considered moving to Japan long enough to lose weight because whatever that banned ingredient was, it was A-OK in Japan!

I mean I laugh about it now, but I don’t miss those dangerous, unhealthy days AT ALL. Thank you, Kpop. 

If anyone is interested, the links to the Kpop dance fitness YouTube channels I frequent the most are below. THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN!

• Sarahkaypop
• KpopX
• K-Kardio
• YooJoo Lee 

This was my favorite one to make Henry perform:

FIGHTING!

I woke up bright and early on day two of KCON and demanded that Henry go down to the lobby and score us breakfast muffins since Chooch and I are pathetic children with little-to-no life skills and depend on our burly manservant to keep us alive.

In other words, I didn’t have my makeup on yet.

When we went downstairs to wait for our Lyft, the lobby was bustling with tour groups preparing for a day in NYC, and I felt a twinge of jealousy.

Originally, we were going to skip the convention on the second day and go to NYC instead since we were so close that we could actually see it from Newark and it was TANTALIZING. But then I ended up scoring that fan engagement for Up10tion on the day we registered, and that was scheduled for 11am on Saturday. We considered going after that, but I started to panic about all the unknowns: the traffic; getting engulfed by the dark underbelly of the city, never to resurface; being seduced by the bright lights and losing all track of time; getting stabbed in Central Park — YOU KNOW, ALL THE NORMAL NYC THINGS.

Plus, none of us have ever been to NYC (I’ve only been to JFK and LaGuardia airports, which don’t count) and would a few hours on a Saturday afternoon truly be enough to satiate the naive tourists in us? So we decided that we would come back another time, when we have nothing else to do, and can devote a whole weekend to shuffling around in fanny packs and sun visors.

Alas, our Lyft driver rolled up around 9:45 and Henry started tersely whispering, “Sit in the front. Erin, sit in the front. Please sit in the front.” And then as I slid into the backseat next to Chooch, “Fuck you.”

I guess he felt uncomfortable sitting in the passenger seat next to the young girl driver? Lol.

Chooch and I both preferred Friday’s Lyft driver over this one. Friday’s was super talkative, but Saturday’s was very stiff and quiet. She had vinyl stickers all over her car, begging for a five-star rating. Girl, Jessica Simpson was playing on your radio when we got in the car. No 5 stars for you.

This reminds me: the Lyft driver from KCON day one had on some Top 40 radio station from NYC and the DJs were talking about Charlie Puth, how in his latest song “Attention,” there is a part where his voice cracks a little, and how most pop singers would have been like, “I need to re-record this part” but Charlie was like, “No, keep it. This is real and my emotions caused this” or whatever. I’ve heard that song several times prior to this but never noticed the part they were talking about until they played it and isolated the exact word where his voice kind of turns into a whisper and it gave me actual chills. Now I have much more appreciation for Charlie Puth and have listened to that song a million times since that day because it moves me to tears.

I will always think of riding in the backseat of Lyft Driver Carolina’s car, past the Newark airport and into the industrial section of Newark, every time I hear this song.

The second day of the convention was mostly the same, but with different panels and fan engagements. We hit up all the booths again, filling up on more free samples, and this time we managed to get Henry in on the Drama Fever action. We chose the Goblin background this time but it was dumb with three of us because the whole point is that you’re supposed to wear a red scarf and then stand facing to the right with your arm outstretched so it looks like you’re pointing at the Goblin’s sword BUT WHATEVER IT’S FINE.

Every single person in line in front of us won at the wheel spinning thing so we had a feeling that we were about to kill the streak. Plus, the people remembered my Instagram name and I think they were like, “OH SHIT, CAN’T HAVE A DOUBLE WINNER!” so we lost, UGH. I was hoping to win a Twice fan engagement but WHATEVER IT’S FINE I’LL LIVE.

:(

We should have posted the picture on Chooch’s Instagram instead. I’m so stupid.

Aeound 10:30, I made my way to the area where the fan engagement lines were. Since I was just in the basic no hi-touch audience for this one, I felt much less stress. That is, until the boy in front of me dipped under the yellow queue tape because there was literally no one line so I followed suit AND WHO IS THE ONE WHO GOT YELLED AT? ME! THE SHEEP!

Ugh, that’s the second time I got scolded at one of these damn things! I will try harder to stand up straight and be a perfect Pollyanna rule abider next time! God I felt like such a dick! But then I also had rage because hello THAT GUY DID IT FIRST, yell at him, too. :(

But the next security person I encountered totally made up for it — she was such a character and really made the most of her job of checking our fan engagement tickets and clicking her little people-counter thing by interacting with us, dancing, and just being a damn fool. The girl several people in front of me apparently had a hi-touch card and the security lady was all, “OOOH SHIT GIRL, you in the WRONG LINE! You better get your butt over there so you can touch your cute little Korean boys!” and then she made sure the other security people let the girl into the correct line. It was so nice of her!

I loved that lady. Why couldn’t they all be as nice as her? :(

This time, I was smart and left my purse with Henry so that I didn’t get all held up in that fucking bag-check fuckarow again, although it seemed like they had sorted out the system by Saturday and the lines were moving pretty smoothly.

Similarly to KNK, I didn’t know much about Up10tion but these fan engagements really make it impossible to not fall in love with the groups, regardless of how well you know them. Kevin Woo was the MC for this one and they jokingly asked him to be their 10th member, since one of the guys left, taking them down to a nine-member group and making their name awkward. (Kevin Woo used to be in the kpop group U-Kiss, in case you didn’t know, but now he’s the host of an English kpop show in Seoul called After School Club. Now you know.)

Up10tion said that they were going to debut their new song “Runner” at the show that night, and then one of them sang a quick verse and I knew I was going to like it. Then some older woman in front of me farted, which was already horrible, but another woman was fanning herself with one of the cardboard fans that 7397498274 booths were handing out, and in the process she was essentially volleying the other lady’s fart right into my face at break-neck speeds. It was like fart-concentrate, not having the chance to disperse on its way to my nostrils. I was straight up gagging, you guys. Straight up gagging.

Even with the farts and scoldings for fake line-jumping, the Up10tion fan engagement was worth it. It was similar to KNK’s, in that there was a brief and language-barrier’d Q&A session, and then they also played charades (the audience’s category choice was overwhelmingly “animals” which was not my pick — I was in the minority who wanted them to act out kpop songs, but whatever). Super fucking fun though, especially watching their awkward display of aegyo.

(I’m obsessed with aegyo. I wish Henry more of it.)

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Meanwhile, Henry and Chooch were across the street in the other part of the convention that had all of the food and kpop vendors, but more importantly: the large, air-conditioned Amazon Mobile Masters tent. Chooch pretty much camped out in there and it was soooo boring to me. However, while I was in my fan engagement, Chooch got involved in some contest inside. There was an area with a bunch of Amazon Fires set up, and every so many hours there was a new game challenge going on. From 10-12, it was Crossy Roads. Chooch loves that game, and the top 3 high scores won prizes. First places got an Amazon Fire, and Chooch was determined to win. By the time I made my way over there, he had the current high score with 30 minutes left.

He was stalking that area like a cat looking for a mouse. All the Amazon volunteers thought it was hilarious and kept teasing him. “That guy’s coming close to beating your score, you want me to kick him?” one of them jokingly said to Chooch who looked like he was about to chew through his lip.

He was making me nervous with his pacing, so Henry and I went outside to look at all of the things he wouldn’t let me buy because I’m not a 16-year-old with a locker to decorate, UGH. However, I did buy a Twice pin at one of the booths, because they were raffling off a Twice Candybong (that’s what Twice’s light sticks are called,  I TEACH YOU SO MUCH!) and in order to enter, all you had to do was purchase one Twice-related item from their booth. I had my eye on the Twice zombie pin anyway, so I gladly bought it. The girl at the booth told me that I just had to put down my contact info on a clipboard after some other girl was finished with it, so I was standing there patiently when some fucking pushy dickhead guy came barreling through the crowd and said, “I WANT TO ENTER TOO” and started PULLING THE CLIPBOARD from the girl while she was still writing, I couldn’t even believe his audacity, maybe because I wasn’t raised to have total disregard for those around me, and it always blows my mind when I witness this kind of ME ME ME I WANT IT NOW behavior. It was the only disheartening moment of all of KCON, fan-wise, which I guess is a good thing. Most people were super chill and not pushy assholes at all.

“You have to buy something from this booth in order to enter,” I said, but he completely ignored me and went right on scribbling his shitty info down.

“He’s going to be the one who wins, too,” I cried to Henry afterward, who asked if I said something to the girl at the booth, but NO I DIDN’T because I’m tired of always being the fucking tattle-tale in life. I didn’t want some pointless confrontation to sully my experience at KCON so I chose to move on with my Twice pin shining brightly on my shorts next to G-Dragon. <3

(Spoiler: I didn’t win the Candybong.)

Back inside the Amazon tent, things were heating up. Chooch made frenemies with some guy who didn’t care about the challenge until he found out what the prizes were, and then he came close to beating Chooch’s score while Chooch was nervously hulking around, wringing his hands and dabbing his brow.

One of the Amazon guys came over and asked, “He yours?” and then started cracking up when I said sighed. Chooch won over all the Amazon people in there and I feel like they were would have been just as sad as Chooch if he lost.

Butttttt, he doesn’t lose. Because he’s freaking Good Luck Chooch. So then we had to stick around while the brat was presented with his Fire and got his picture taken in the Winner’s Chair.

Maybe I should have entered that Candybong raffle in Chooch’s name. :(

“I’m glad I came in first and not second because that prize was an Echo, and I already won one of those yesterday,” Chooch said with a wave of his hand, like the Echo was quite literally yesterday’s news. I can’t believe this kid and his luck.

I drowned my bitterness in a piping hot cup of ttkeokbokki after that and all was right in the world again.

Then after lunch, we were walking past the convention stage and the I Love K-Food people were there, tossing some of their products out into the crowd. OF COURSE Chooch’s grubby hand shot up and snatched the very last thing of ramen that was chucked.

Ugh.

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This video is actually from the first day, I think, but I can’t stress enough how much fun I had watching people dance. The dancing is really what drew me into kpop in the first place, because the exercise routines I do adapt a lot of moves from the music videos and incorporate it into the aerobics. I have very little rhythm and fail miserably anytime I try to learn legit choreography, but this method works for me. I wish I could do the official dances though! I’ll keep trying and hoping that it clicks.

After milling about for another hour or so, we decided to leave so that Chooch and I wouldn’t be totally drained at the concert later, like we had been the night before. That’s a lot of time under the sun. We wanted to get ice cream, anyway, and I can’t believe that there were no stands at KCON serving patbingsoo, or any type of bingsoo for that matter! What a disservice to the KCON patrons!

This was the line for one of the fan engagements as we were leaving.

We took a Lyft back to the hotel and grabbed our car. I found a place on my least favorite app, Yelp, called Nasto’s. It was supposed to be a classic establishment in Newark but I was more interested in going because of the name.

It turned out to be a good choice because they had a thing I’ve never heard of called tartufo – I had the peanut butter version and it was AMAZING. Like a large ice cream version of a buckeye.

Are buckeyes regional? I don’t know, but my Grandma Kelly used to make them all the time when I was a kid and they were the best buckeyes I’ve ever had. Literally just a small nug of PB coated with glorious chocolate. The best. So this was like an inflated one of those, with a delicious mound of vanilla ice cream underneath that cap of chocolate, with ribbons of sweet-ass peanut butter swirling through it like candied veins. Ugh, it was so good that Chooch immediately ordered one too after just seeing mine.

Henry got a scoop of cannoli and something else that he can’t remember because he’s lame. I feel like we were not getting along around this time for some reason and it probably had nothing to do with the fact that I needed a nap.

Copying me.

I consulted Roadside America for some adventure ideas but almost everything was in NYC. I did find some type of cemetery that had like, tunnels in it or something, that wasn’t too far away. Henry was so angry because we ended up having to go over some toll bridge, and then I started flipping out because I looked to the right and the Statue of Liberty was RIGHT THERE, like very close, and I am seriously terrified of the Statue of Liberty, to the point where I’m pretty certain I will never be able to tour it like a true American and that’s something that I will have to carry with me on my own, OK, so don’t try to reason with me!

But then NYC was right there too, a stone’s throw away, and Chooch was freaking out because he wanted to go so badly and I did too (mostly because there are 58 different ice cream places over there on my list) but there was just no way we could swing it. And then the cemetery we were looking for turned out to be super small with no parking and some type of festival/farmers market was happening so we were like FUCK THIS and went back to the hotel to get some rest before the concert, and by “get some rest,” I mean that Chooch and I went to the fitness room and proceeded to sweat our asses off like maniacs training for the Giddy Olympics while Henry went to Subway to get us dinner.

Only one more part left to go of the KCON saga. OMG, can you manage to trudge through to the end?!

Well guys, I can’t think of anything better to cap off an excruciatingly long week than a picture of a cat so please consider this photo of my cat Drew an offering to the gods for next week to be more exciting/faster/interesting. 

Bonus words: We went to Gianna Via’s for dinner tonight, after walking into Frank & Shirleys and being greeted by a surly waitress who looked at us then promptly glanced at the clock on the wall—we took that as her unspoken bitch way to communicate that they were closing in 15 minutes. WELL MAYBE POST YOUR EVER-CHANGING HOURS SOMEWHERE, ASSHOLES. I might just remove them from infamous Pittsburgh Travel thing that I post once a year. 

Anyway, we had a better meal at Gianna Via’s anyway but our waitress was way too involved and even held the menu for Henry when he asked to see the beer list. 

“Why couldn’t I hold the menu?” he whispered when she walked away. This was after she discouraged him from ordering the banana peppers on his Stromboli and talked him into the Italian peppers because they were sweeter and he would like them better. 

HOW DOES SHE KNOW. 

OMG HENRY IS CHEATING ON ME. 

There was a really tense moment of silence while Henry couldn’t decide what to do. I wanted him to still get the banana peppers, really stick it to her (NO, NOT IN HER UGH), but ultimately he fell victim to her mind control and said, “Uh yeah, you know what? I’m not really in the mood for something really hot tonight. I’ll have the Italian peppers.”

What would your SERVICE friends think about you, Henry??

Anyway, Chooch the Baby asked for a kid’s menu because CRAYONS. The menu had one of those “how many words can you make” games on it and this was the very first word he found:

Yeah, this is how you know you watch too much Korean TV and that your kid is subconsciously absorbing it all in the background. 

(“Maknae” means the youngest, as in: “Seungri is the maknae of BigBang.”)

Gianna Via’s was jam-packed with lots of fat old men in golf shirts. Just in case you were wondering. 

I need to take a pill to inspire me to catch up on here. What pill would that be? Adderal, probs.

My life lately is this teddy bear. Also, try your hardest to move past that “loose” up in there – I know it’s *cringe* but the song and video are good. I like Heize. Her name reminds me of Heinz and I’m from Pittsburgh so that shit is mixed with my blood, you know?

I think I have officially worn myself out. My body parts be like “Bitch, we fucking fatigued. Lay us the fuck down.” So I’m trying to “rest” but that’s not working out very well. Anyway, here’s some bullets. 

• I really want this shirt ^^^ that I saw in one of the early episodes of Goblin.
• Did you know that if your head gets cut off, you’re still conscious for 15 seconds? Chooch just told me that. Everyone say thanks, Chooch.
  • Speaking of decapitation, does it cost extra to have your head sewn back on for the funeral services?
    • I interviewed for a job once at a funeral home when I was in college and one of the job duties was styling the hair of the dead people. I was really stoked about that! I was offered the job but couldn’t take it because of my dumb night classes at Pitt. I wonder where I’d be right now in life had that worked out differently.

• I was almost back in the painting groove again….but then June happened. June was a terrible month. It was the lowest I’ve been in a very long time and I’m not sure if I’d be here writing this right now if it wasn’t for Henry and Chooch. They’re like my pool floats. My water-wings. MY HONEY BUNNIES.  MY LAMBY WAMBIES. Sorry. You never know when I’m going full-blown Back to the Beach quote-mode. Anyway, I managed to eke out two paintings before going back into retirement. I’m the fakest artist ever, you people.

• I took this picture last week so my face is even closer now, but it still feels sooooo far away! Some of my co-workers get excited if I forget to move my face because then they get to do it. If it’s my enemy Lou, he puts it on upside down. :( The other day, I was telling some of my work friends how stressed I am about what I’m going to wear to the G-Dragon show, and Lori suggested that I dress like G-Dragon, like put together something inspired by one of his famous looks. But then Lauren said that HENRY should dress like G-Dragon (I think this how the conversation went – I eat a lot of Asian candy from the Pumpkin of Horrors every day and I think my brain is rotting) and this is basically the best idea ever. Henry is not down with it and said that he hates Lauren and Lori now. WOW.
  • I have to find him a flesh-colored turtleneck.
  • In Pumpkin of Horrors news, this  latest batch I procured from Hmart is full of more hits than misses! I mean, there is one kind that Glenn calls the roast beef candy because it starts out oddly savory but then turns delightful. One of the mail ladies (Betty, the one who told me a few mths ago that she tried one on her own and thought she went down to the sewer — that’s what happens when I’m not there to supervise!) started asking me questions about where I shop for my candy and Todd said he felt like I was being interviewed and was so nervous that I was going to mess up. Lauren, however, said it sounded like I had waited my whole life for someone to stop and talk to me about my candy, and something about MY CANNED RESPONSES?!
• Today was Chooch’s first day at Camp Chronica! Chris has graciously offered to let Chooch hang out at their house one or two times a week while we’re in childcare limbo, and we couldn’t be more grateful – plus, Chooch is in his glory. Chris is one of his favorite people in the whole world. I had to give him a stern talk this morning though about not impeding on her work and not pissing on her toilet ugh. Anyway, he got to hang out with her sister Amy and make a whale plushie! Chris sent me a video of Chooch using a sewing machine and now I have all these plans to buy him his own one so that he can make shit for me. OMG LIKE MY OWN SWEAT SHOP!
  • I showed Amber and Todd the whale plushie and now they want to go to Camp Chronica, too.
  • Monica is making him a list of chores.

• I went to lunch on Sunday with BARB and of course she had a present for Chooch ugh (she had one for me too but I just like to focus on the negative). When he saw it, he tore his other shirt off and said, “I’LL NEVER WEAR ANOTHER SHIRT AGAIN!” Spoiler: he wore a different shirt the next day because I made him change.
• I hate how terrible and vicious money (or lack-thereof) makes people. Constantly disappointed and disgusted in humanity.

• On Monday, Wendy decided at the last minute that she wanted to have lunch with me and Lori. I think it was just because she left her work ID at home and didn’t want to use mine because it’s inside a purple fluffy Pusheen thingie with a G-Dragon keychain attached to it so she decided to just take me with her when she went outside. And Lori got to come too because she was wearing a cute rompery jumpsuit thing that day and you know what they say: wear a cute rompery jumpsuit, get asked to lunch. Anyway, we went to Condado and had bomb tacos. It was like Happy Dog in Cleveland where you get to build your own combinations on an order sheet thingie and I had such stress over it because I’m notorious for creating disgusting flavor profiles, mismatching ethnic cuisines, and just overall making very poor ordering choices. We had a really cool waiter but I thought he was going to yell at me, crumble up my order and tell me to start over, but instead, he glanced at it and said I did a good job! I think he was probably just checking to make sure all my circles were properly penciled. One of my tacos had lime tofu and something creamy on it, this was definitely the best one and I think they should put it on the menu and name it the Erin Got Lucky. The other one had BBQ jackfruit and it was ok but I think things went awry when I was choosing a sauce because something was misaligned. But still – it was a taco and it was a million times better than the Cream of Wheat I was originally planning on making with the hot water dispenser on the coffee maker at work. (As opposed to the tedious oatmeal that needs baked in the microwave, ugh, kill me.)

• We went to the park yesterday for some 4th of July outdoorsiness because who wants to sit inside doing nothing but talking shit on people all day. We’re kind of out of the nature-loop, but apparently there is some rock hide-n-seek game going on, so that was fun, finding these rocks and then moving them like a foot away because we suck at hiding things.
  • Meanwhile, Chooch had his bike with him and let me tell you something about Chooch: athletic he is not. He makes Henry and me cringe when he rides his bike, but everyone is all, “HE IS A BOY. IT WILL BE FINE” so I’m like “OK if you say so” as I’m watching him from behind finger-slats as he rides over a gorge. At one point, we were on a curvy path and I could see him through a patch of trees as he turned around to come back to where we were walking. “Let’s hide!” I said, pulling Henry behind a tree with me. So we were giddily standing behind this tree trunk, all stock-like, nervously breathing when we realized after awhile that it was taking him longer than it should have to make it back to where we were. “He saw us, so now he’s hiding too,” Henry hypothesized. We eventually conceded and stepped out from behind the tree. “Where the hell is he?” I cried, looking around the empty path. And then I saw him dragging his bike, and himself, up a hill. “I’m OK! I just accidentally rode down this hill, but I’m OK!” OMG he’s the worst. Every time he turns his head, his bike turns with him, so that’s probably what happened. He saw a squirrel or something and then the next thing he knew, he was off the trail and crash-landing at the bottom of a hill. THAT’S MA BOY.

• We walked to Dormont Park last night to watch the fireworks. I usually skip this tradition because I’m of the “if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all” mentality, but Chooch wanted to meet his buddy Dimajio down there so we decided to all go as like, a family thing. It was kind of dumb, action-wise, but nice to just chill with Henry and people-watch. We were sitting to a bunch of middle school Meghan Trainors who thought they were HOT SHIT, and some cover band was playing Journey, BUT AT LEAST WE WERE TOGETHER. Chooch came back over to us when the fireworks started and I was like, “OMG HE CHOSE US OVER DIMAJIO!” but it was just because Dimajio was playing basketball or something and we were Chooch’s back-up plan. “After awhile, it’s just like…loud lights,” Chooch mused, and we were like, “Um, yes, you’re correct.” I get bored after the first two minutes, because I just want the whole thing to be the grand finale. However, I always say, “Ooooh” whenever it’s the gold sizzling ones, because those are my forever faves.
  • Henry and I were originally sitting on a part of the grass that was eventually roped off with ACTUAL CRIME SCENE TAPE by some dopey-looking cop, who is definitely the little go-fer boy of the precinct. Apparently, we had chosen the zone where the ash and firework carcasses drop from the sky, so we had to move. That was pretty much the most action that happened all night.

I still have to wrap-up my KCON recaps and regale the Internet with pictures of furries from the Anthrocon parade, and I’ll get there. But tonight, my brain was not about that organized thought life.

This was taken before the show started, which is why there are so many empty seats. 

When Twice and CNBlue were announced as two of the groups performing at this year’s KCON, Henry knew there was no way  out of it. My love for Twice knows no bounds and Yong Hwa, the lead singer of CNBlue, is one of my favorite Running Man guest stars. Those two groups alone were worth it to me.

When we bought our tickets, it was just me and Henry going but then at the last minute, Chooch decided he wanted to go as well. Tickets for the concert were pretty steep, and not only that but if we bought a third ticket, someone would have to sit alone. Henry the Martyr gave up his ticket so that Chooch could experience the awe and majesty that is Kpop live.

Henry did admit though that he was a bit sad about it because he had some curiosity of what it was going to be like. It’s not everyday you get to see Kpop groups perform live in the States. It’s not like skipping a Dave Matthews Band concert because you know you can just see them again next year. With Kpop, YOU NEVER KNOW!

Concert entry line-up started around 6 so Henry reminded us not to talk to strangers and then peaced out back to the hotel.  It took over an hour for us to get inside the Prudential Center, even with all the specific lines that were designated for each ticket tier. I wasn’t too concerned though because we had seats so it’s not like we needed to be OMG First. (I still had a little bit of that urgency bubbling up inside me though, ugh.)

Security was especially dickish at this place, screaming at everyone in line and mocking the people who were told to throw out all the food samples they were given at the convention. We’re talking full-sized packages of Korean snacks, you guys. Bowls of instant ramen, pitched. People were arguing that it was stuff given to them from convention booths but security gave no fucks and pointed out the garbage cans. I was thankful that Henry took all of our stuff back to the hotel with him, because we had A LOT of food in our bags.

Chooch was really angry about this and I told him blogging about it might be a good exercise of stress relief but then he was like “Wow, suddenly I’m not mad anymore, bye.”

As soon as we made it through security, Chooch wanted a $7 soft pretzel.

“This is why they don’t want you bringing food in here,” I said sadly, withdrawing from Chooch’s college fund.

The tickets I bought were the second cheapest being offered. They went on sale after I sold my soul for G-Dragon tickets, so I’m lucky I was able to buy tickets AT ALL. We were in the nosebleed section for sure, but there was still somehow one level higher than us. It was so steep and scary.

“Well, I guess we won’t be standing during this one,” I laughed, gripping onto the backs of the seats as we slowly shuffled down the row to our designated spots, but Chooch was like THANK GOD because he hates standing at shows.

There was a preshow, hosted by Kevin Woo. We got to watch people win flights to Korea, ugh. The one girl was all, “I want to go to M Countdown and hopefully see BTS….again!” and Chooch and I were puking in our hands. The Olympic committee guys were there again and everyone applauded them loudly — I loved all the Olympic spirit that was happening at KCON! I usually don’t like the winter Olympics (Summer all the way) but obviously I’m super stoked for these ones.

The concert started promptly at 7:30, with KNK! I TOUCHED THEM! I kept reminding Chooch, who was like, “I KNOW, I GET IT!”

The screaming could have been unbearable, but I was SO INTO the whole atmosphere of this thing, that it was only making me incredibly giddy! I couldn’t believe that I was getting to see all of these amazingly beautiful kpop groups perform live, outside of YouTube!

KNK was so great, as expected. They only performed three songs, because the whole purpose of this concert was that it was supposed to be like the Korean weekly music show, M Countdown, where current popular artists come on and perform their chart-toppers. So it’s more like a sampling rather than a full set, and we were totally OK with that. The set-up was perfect for someone like Chooch, with a short and stubby attention span.

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Chooch has no opinion of KNK and said that he can’t keep KNK, Up10tion, and SF9 apart.

Next, Yuju from Gfriend and Dongwoon from Highlight came out and performed Beauty & the Beast, in a special nod to Broadway. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry during this, and we all know by now that I might be a terrible person, but a liar I’m not. (I mean, look how often my honesty gets me in trouble.)

What I really loved about this part of the concert is that it highlighted (lol) the sickeningly beautiful voices of kpop idols that often get overshadowed by the choreography-heavy stage performances. When it’s all stripped down like this, their voices are able to shine and it’s a great reminder that not only are kpop stars beautiful and sick dancers, but they can fucking sang, y’all.

Chooch: “One of the only Beauty & the Beast songs I know, and it was so sweet.”

The next group to perform was SF9 and I barely knew anything about them, but based on the reaction of the crowd, these boys are way more popular than I realized. The girl in front of me threw her head back in such robust ecstasy that I thought she was going to break my shin bone thing.

They were so freaking good!!

https://instagram.com/p/BV-9osnBNqu/

So the Fortune Wheel was bizarre. SF9 performed like two songs and then stopped to give their obligatory fan service, which just so happened to be “spinning” the Fortune Wheel.  Chooch and I were like “dafuq is happening right now” because these are not things that happen at the shows we’re accustomed to! But it turned out to be pretty entertaining and we got to see the personalities of the group members really shine outside of their tightly choreographed performances. It was slightly awkward because they were speaking 99% in Korean and we had to try and read the subtitles on the screens, which were in LIGHT BLUE FONT.

Anyway, they chose some basic brunette named Paige in the front of the P1 stage area and then two of them proposed to her and it was so dumb but also slightly adorable and she was like kind of crying and swooning through the whole thing, but then couldn’t pick which proposal was better so she picked all of them, what a cop-out. This song-and-dance went on FOREVER when all we really wanted was ACTUAL SONG-AND-DANCE. GIVE US THE SONG-AND-DANCE. Fuck Paige in P1!

Chooch: “God, they took so long with that, it was basically all that and no concert!”

Here is the best SF9 song, in my opinion. Also, SF stands for Sensational Feeling, lol.

Next up, finally, was Gfriend! I only know of them through Sarahkpop, one of my go-to kpop dance workout channels on YouTube. One of the first kpop routine of hers that I did was to a GFriend song, almost two years ago. Admittedly though, the only song I was really anticipating was “Fingertip,” which is their current hit.

I felt that out of all the groups, they were the most awkward when doing the standard introductions. Yerin was unable to be there due to “scheduling conflicts” which is confusing to me because if your actual job is being in a kpop idol group, shouldn’t your schedule be the same as the schedules of the other members? But what do I know!

Of course, when they performed “Fingertip,” everyone went nuts. Chooch said they were his favorite of the whole night and gee, I can’t imagine why.

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I thought they were fun, but they were missing the charisma that seems more prevalent in girl groups like Twice, Red Velvet, SNSD, etc. Maybe I need to watch more of their variety show appearances, though, before I start judging.

Chooch: “They were very shy and like, nervous I guess?”

OK, the next act was someone I was really anticipating: Zion.T! He’s collaborated with G-Dragon in the past, and I just really love his R&B style. There aren’t many solo Korean artists that stand out to me, but he is for sure someone who doesn’t need the support of a idol group. He can command a stage all on his own, without choreography even! Oh man, I thought he was so smooth and totally enjoyable. Henry doesn’t like him because he’s been on Infinite Challenge in the past and Henry thinks he looks like a jerk. #jealous

Anyway, he came out behind a piano and did a few lines from “Complex” and I thought I was going to faint. If G-Dragon had walked out for his part, I probably would be writing this from some Newark mental hospital right now.

Chooch: “He was good, I don’t know.”

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The headliners of night one was Highlight, and I was very curious about this one. So a quick background: they were originally known as BEAST, and they were very popular. One of the guys in Beast, Hyunseung, was actually in the running to be a member of BIGBANG back before they debuted in 2006, but he was eliminated in the end in favor of Seungri (I literally can’t imagine BIGBANG without Seungri and it gives me a stomachache every time I think about how close he was to not being in the group). Hyunseung went on to join another agency, and then became one of the original members of Beast. Anyway, he eventually left to pursue a solo career a few years back, and the rest of Beast recently re-debuted as Highlight. There was a lot of criticism when this happen – it seemed like fans really hated the name and wanted them to just remain as Beast. I don’t know, none of this affected me at all.

Chooch: “Highlight was good, my ear drums exploded, but that’s OK.”

They had such great stage presence and energy! The girls around us were fucking screaming their throats raw. I thought the girls behind me were 13, but I turned around at one point and saw that they were definitely in their mid-to-late 20s and it just made it even better. Kpop inspires mass hysteria, you guys! Chooch’s eyes kept bugging out because of the surround sound shrieks he had to endure all night.

Highlight also did the Fortune Wheel, but theirs was short n’ sweet – they just had to take a selfie. 

https://instagram.com/p/BWIYm4kB9MS/

At the end of the night, all of the artists were introduced again for the goodbye stage and I legit shed some tears.  The whole night, I just kept thinking, “I can’t believe I’m here! I can’t believe I’m seeing this!” Kpop has really turned my life around, as ridiculous as that sounds, and I was just so full of life in tha moment….

….but also really fucking tired.  Chooch and I screamed and applauded until the very last group left the stage, but we were beat, man. Having been outside in the sun-sizzle from 8:30am-7:00pm really took a toll on us and Chooch was close to full-fledged slumber during Zion.T, I think. 

Our Lyft driver Papa H was waiting for us outside and after failing to find an easily accessible place to eat, we ended up eating at the questionable restaurant in our hotel, where I had a veggie wrap stuffed with an entire bag of veggies from the freezer section (crinkle cut carrits, squash, and zucchini — not wrap-appropriate vegetables!). Chooch and I had to fight to keep from nodding off while Henry was wide awake having slept all night while we were in the concert, ugh. 

Day 1 was just too exciting! I couldn’t wait to wake up and do it all over again. MORE LATER!

Much to Henry’s chagrin, Chooch and I enjoy traipsing through the alleys of Brookline. There’s just something so DANGEROUS about it that gives us a thrill, you know? Plus, there’s a discarded flat screen TV laying back there and Chooch likes to kick it. 

I dunno where he gets that destructive urge. 

One time we walked past a bunch of kids smoking pot and Chooch was amazed that his old, square mom knew what pot smells like. 

Ugh. 

We were actually just walking through one of the alleys last night (Henry was horrified when he later found out) and we decided that we would just act like blind kids if we accidentally saw a drug deal or murder.

We think things through sometimes. 

Also last night, the old Polish guy up the street with the stinky produce vans made us stop on the sidewalk and admire the new solar-powered lights he put on his house. It was a nice neighborly moment. 

Also last night, we left the house without telling Henry. 

“What do you think Daddy will do when he finds out we’re missing?” Chooch asked, as though we had run away. 

“He’ll probably say, ‘I’m going to call 911….but first I’ll have an ice cream!'” I said in the Bullwinkle-like voice I adopt whenever I’m being terrible and mocking Henry. 

“We have ice cream?!” Chooch cried, scanning his mental inventory of the freezer. 

“No, but I always imagine that daddy has a secret freezer in the basement, filled with Klondikes,” I shrugged, and then we started talking about Henry stuffing our bodies in the freezer because we’re dark-minded. 

“Someday when you’re older and I’m dead, you’re going to think back to our walks through the scuzzy bowels of Brookline and miss it,” I said on our walk today. 

“Um…sure. I guess,” said Chooch with NO CONVICTION. 

This has been a KCON interlude. Recapping that convention is exhausting and also making me sad because I miss it and want to be talking about 24:7 but to WHOM?!

When my life is 80% daydreaming about Korean stuff, 20% sludging through another basic American day, a convention like KCON gives me life. For two days, I was able to be around other people who also appreciate the culture and the joys this beautiful country brings into our lives, rather than be giving strange looks because I prefer Running Man over the Bachelor or gochujang over BBQ sauce. And so what if I eat kimchi for a snack at work? 

The Hallyu wave has engulfed your girl and there’s no fighting the undertow.

This is my third attempt at writing this thing: the first two times WordPress was s douchebag and didn’t save my edits. So at this point, we’re going the pictures/captions route because I have nothing left to give. Wah.

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Also, real quick because I know there is a popular misconception that I use some kind of crazy vaginal sorcery to brainwash Henry isn’t doing my bidding: he is actually pretty down with the Korean craze as well. I mean, not as much as I am obviously because it takes a certain kind of bipolar nutjob to basically let one obsession with a music genre totally rebrand your entire lifestyle, but he does actually like most of the idol groups (not BTS though, inexplicably) and he genuinely enjoys cooking Korean cuisine and sends me articles about Running Man that he reads on k-gossip sites. We finally have something that we’re enjoying together!

Now if only I can get him to do KpopX fitness videos with me…

All that being said, I’m going to try and cast one of my witchy spells to get him to help me write this post.

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Chooch French-fried me at the McDonald’s booth, where we got these cute reusable bags that proved to be invaluable as we collected free shit every time we turned around. I was really annoyed that the guy who took the picture didn’t take a second one!

Tous les Jours is a French bakery chain in Korea. I know – I was unsure at first too.  But the stuff I tried was so good and had a great Korean twist to French classics. I’d give anything for another piece of milkbread right about now.

Anyway, the only thing Chooch cared about from this place was the fact that a $10 purchase got you a battery-powered mini-fan. The first one he got didn’t work (user error probably) but later in the day, Henry threw down another $10 on beverages and Chooch finally got to have man-made air blown into his overheated face.

“When you can’t afford real friends” – Chooch

There was an entire section of the convention dedicated to the Winter Olympics! Here is Chooch standing with a cutout of the group Highlight.

“Keep walking maybe she won’t follow” – Henry

Chooch got so much free shit, it was incredible. This wasn’t even all of it. The I Love K-Food booths were giving away so many foodstuffs, just by playing games like Plinko and spinning a wheel.

The best part about the vendors and booths is that they were all blaring their own playlists, so it was literally Kpop cacophony.: A/K/A FUCKING DELIGHTFUL. 

“When your mom makes you take pictures with someone you barely even know about” – Chooch.

” Don’t be fooled, he knows who they are.” – Henry

Ha Ha and Gwangsoo from Running Man are K-Food spokespeople! It was so exciting for me to see their likeness outside in the real world, among so many other people who also knew who they were! (They’re my two favorite people from Running Man! If/when Henry and I split, I’m going to add to my “H” knuckle tattoo so it spells Ha Ha.)

Some of the awesome k-beauty products I bought from the Nature Twenty booth. I wanted everything!

“You’re already beautiful enough, you don’t need any of that stuff” – Henry

Song Joong-ki!!!! <333333

“Me and the gang” – Chooch.

“Little did I know, they were going to pick from the opposite side of the tree I hung mine” – Chooch.

If you hung your wish on the Wishing Tree, you were eligible for a drawing later that day. The prizes were an iPad, concert tickets, and fan engagements. Dumb Chooch didn’t win for once. They had some actual men from the PyeongChang Olympics committee there picking the winning wishes! That was pretty cool. Pairing the Olympics with KCON was extremely smart marketing.

GAHHHHH KOREAN FOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

“Choices were pretty slim, though the ones there were good.”- Henry

We all ate lunch from the Korilla booth. I had the tofu taco, Henry had some type of meat taco, and Chooch had veggie mandu. Plus Henry and I split an order of Kim-cheese fries, which was my kimchi fix. I think I’m addicted to that shit, you guys.

My favorite food stall was the traditional Korean beverage guys, though. They served me up some ice cold sikhye (a wonderfully sweet rice drink) and it was divine.

(Chooch apparently hates the word divine, at least my usage of it, so now I want to use it a lot, maybe change his name to it and stick some PINK FLAMINGOS in the yard.)

G-friend was at the AT&T tent at one point so Chooch climbed on a cement thing and got a picture of two of them. 

“When I realized I’m not athletic”- Chooch

“Piano lessons to continue” – Henry

“Slide to the left. J/k” – Chooch

I asked Henry why he and I don’t wear matching couple outfits like those two in the pink hats and he was quick to point out that those two weren’t a couple, but a girl and her gay friend, which I thought was presumptuous because why does a guy in tight shortalls have to be gay?

Anyway, this was during a G-friend “Fingertip” choreography lesson, which was pretty boring to watch. Maybe when I’m a certified KpopX instructor, I can have my own demonstrations at KCON!!!!!!!!!!1111111

That girl back there in the yellow shirt is a super annoying YouTuber.

“We at least agreed on that” – Henry

“When your fam just leaves you” – Chooch.

“When your fam ‘thinks’ they left you.” – Henry

This was right before Henry made friends with a NEWARK COP while Chooch and I were waiting for the PyeongChang wishing tree drawing. He was so proud of it too! Later, Chooch and I saw an old ass cop scoot by on a Segway and I was certain it was Henry’s new boytoy in blue, but then when we were leaving the convention that day, some younger cop jovially smiled and waved to Henry like they knew each other.

“That’s my new cop friend!” Henry said, full of pride.

Wow.

Anyway, I made this picture b&w because Henry is always head-to-toe grayscale so what does it even matter.

That fucking Tous les Jour fan.

“It’s not a ‘fucking’ Tous les Jour fan. It’s a FREAKING Tous les Jour fan” – Chooch.

Random acoustic set from a guy and girl but it wasn’t in Korean so I lost interest. 

“That face you make when you’re not ready” – Chooch. (“If it was Daddy, I would say, ‘That face you make when you see a girl'” – Chooch.)

My people. I loved how diverse the demographic was!

“When you’re 11 and driving. I don’t know.” – Chooch.

Chooch got to play some crazy-ass crane machine controlled by a Toyota CH-R (they called it the CH-rane game) and won a Line Friends notebook. He was salty because it took him so long in the day to finally play and by that time, they were all out of the Line Friends plushies. This was somehow Henry’s fault. 

“When you eat kimchi unknowingly and like it” – Chooch

Seriously, I was like, “Hey Chooch peep this Korean pancake, you’ll love it” BUT IT WAS KIMCHI JEON. Henry makes a delicious jeon, you guys. So maybe when we’re in Korea, he’ll be able to supplement his Subway meals with the occasional jeon.

That moment you catch Henry getting brochures from someone at the Korea Tourism Organization booth and fall in love with the bearded dope all over again.

Chooch was on the prowl for more shit to win.

“When you try to find new parents” – Chooch.

“When you’re tired AF and still forced to get a picture taken” – Chooch.

Chooch looks like he got beat up in his attempt to get a Highlight sign to take into the concert, but really this is just what his legs always look like because HELLO 11 YEAR OLD BOY. He falls off his bike everyday, I think.

And that was Day one of the convention! Concert recap coming soon.