I will from this day on revisit this short NewJeans clip anytime I need a serotonin boost.

For a Monday, today was not as bad as expected. I had two meetings today, they were fine! My small team was understaffed – still fine! I went on two nice walks – more fineness!

Oh! Another good thing about this Monday is that Chooch’s friend’s mom drove them to school this morning! My last couple of morning trips to Oakland have been rife with near-misses, construction, traffic. It was nice to not have to deal with that this morning, so thank you Zakk’s mom!

I also had some cute interactions with my squirrel fan AND at one point when I was in the backyard with my pumpkin pail of peanuts, a rabbit came SPRINTING over to me and asked with adorable eyes if he too could have some. I’m assuming it’s the same rabbit that has been hanging around occasionally for the last few weeks and I’ve been chucking peanuts to – now he knows I’m a friend!! One of my little Buddys watching this from a branch above and was NOT having it so he came down and was trying to steal peanuts from the rabbit!! My job as nature ref is neverending, truly.

Two weeks ago, I had two separate confrontations outside of my house, which I am still dwelling on, sorting through the ugly feelings, understanding why it happened and remembering that I need to keep my explosive anger IN CHECK because people get their heads shot off for much less than mouthing off over trivial bullshit. More on this later. I need energy to recap it. But all of this is to say that I’m coming off the tail end of some pretty stressful & negative weeks that truthfully didn’t really need to be that way, which makes me realize I’m starting to lose control and I don’t like that.

Basically what I want to say is that the firm’s wellness thingie is happening again and I need to do all I can to make sure my blood pressure is chillin’ before I make my appt so I am trying to do like…MINDFULNESS bullshit which really isn’t my thing so instead of using an app or listening to self help podcasts or whatever people do, I am just trying to be aware of my stressors and triggers and do that whole BREATHING shit. I’m trying to fold more fun into the life batter too. The last few weekends were fun and this weekend will be too I hope.

“The Freshmen” which is currently playing on my bedroom radio.

AND NOW WE’RE GUILT STRICKEN SOBBING WITH OUR HEADS ON THE FLOOR…

I’m going to bed. 잘 자용!

My friend Rachel’s daughter is currently playing Mimi in a local production of Rent. She texted me the info to me the other day in case I was looking for something to do this weekend, and you know what? I was actually. And also, it was timely because there was a Rent question in Trivial Pursuit when we were playing on the night of Chooch’s belated birthday cake celebration and he was so pissed that I got it right without having ever seen it. I don’t really like musicals, ok??

But what I do like is supporting local theater and my friends’ kids, plus I recently found out that Janna is some kind of Queen Rent Head so I figured it would be something for us to do together that was a change for her coming to my house and being hostilely quizzed on the 23* members of NCT.

*(Actually, it’s 22 now. Lucas officially announced his departure from WayV & NCT. DO NOT GET ME STARTED.)

The ComTra Theater is in Cranberry, which is like 35 minutes away, but all I know is that the whole time I kept thinking, “When did Cranberry get so far away? Has it always been this far away??” It really felt like it took for-fucking-ever to get there. And then as soon as we walked in, I was like, “OH SHIT” because it was much smaller than I thought, and very hot. I almost immediately started to sweat through my shirt so I can only imagine what it must have been like for the performers.

PRE-SHOW BATHROOM SELFIE. JANNA WAS STILL IN A STALL.

PRE-SHOW SELFIE. I liked Janna’s shirt a lot!

Anyway, she immediately asked me to switch seats with her so she could be on the end and I was like “UGH FINE” but then she ended up having the stage partially obscured by a pillar so who’s laughing now?! A dad and his young daughter filled the last two seats in our row, and the people in front of us were normal. No one sat behind us. I was content with our section.

The show started around 2pm and I thought it was really cute! (Is that weird? I mean, the subject matter isn’t “cute” and I’m sure the teens performing in it would not appreciate being called “cute”- BUT THEY FUCKING WERE!)  I mean, I had almost NO idea what was going on for most of it because I couldn’t hear a lot of the lyrics (the house band was WAY TOO LOUD) and also I was getting v. antsy. Intermission didn’t happen until 3:30 (!!!) and I said, “Isn’t this supposed to be over at 4? Will they be able to get the rest done in 30 minutes?” and Janna goes, “Oh, there’s still an entire other half. There is no way this is over at 4pm.”

Do you know me? I hate sitting. Even when I am being entertained! So, while I was enjoying the show very much because those kids were insanely talented, I also was ready for it be over. It’s who I am, OK? I am also like this during pretty much every movie I go to see in a theater, slyly checking the time on my FitBit.

One of the guys looked so much like Judd Nelson specifically in his Breakfast Club role that it was all I could see throughout the whole entire show. It was crazy. I saw him up close afterward and while the resemblance was less uncanny, it was still there. I hope to god that is his next role.

My other thought was that the one main kid looked like the spitting image of Janna’s high school boyfriend Matt which amplified his annoyance to me. I’m not sure if his character was meant to be annoying but I definitely kind of zoned out whenever it was one of his songs, sorry kid.

BUT THEN DURING INTERMISSION, JANNA GOES, “That kid that plays <striped sweater guy / I could not keep track of the characters’ names> is sooooo cute!” and I died. Honestly.

I didn’t tell her until afterward when we were walking to my car that he reminded me of MATT so it was not shocking to me that she basically imprinted on him as soon as the lights went down. She was like, “O M F G” and then tried to say she only thought he was cute because he had floppy hair.

YEAH LIKE MATT CIRCA 199-WHENEVER!

Overall, it was an enjoyable afternoon! I was happy to support Rachel and her daughter, who is a freaking powerhouse. Girl can perform her ass off! The only downside was that the theater’s website lists all of kinds of ADULT BEVS but all they had was WATER and SOFT DRINKS so I guess the HARD WETS are for evening shows only?! I was going to treat myself to a White Claw (the website had approx. 12 varieties of tastes listed) but it was probably for the best considering I was driving and the journey home was fraught with missed exits and merging mayhem. Anytime I have to drive on BIG ROADS, I’m screaming like Pee Wee driving over a hillside, thanks to Henry conditioning me to being a perma-passenger and hardly-ever-driver.

When I wasn’t emitting battle cries every time I had to merge, I asked Janna lots of questions about Rent and she seemed happy to answer them because this was like her time to shine, you know? For example, I texted her just a bit ago and asked what the fuck was the significance to the drywall bucket that kept popping up in some scenes and she explained that one of the characters was using it as a drum in the beginning and then they were using it to panhandle later. Those were the examples she gave me, but I SAW IT POP UP MORE THAN TWO OCCASIONS so I was wondering if there was an INSIDE JOKE or something that someone who pays her rent wouldn’t understand. It just felt like someone was always carrying it like maybe it was the stage pet or the communal security blanket, I dunno.

Also, I still don’t understand why that Joanne person was on the phone so much. Who was she talking to? Out of all the actors, she was the one I could hear the least and I feel like I missed a lot. Maybe I should watch the movie. (I will probably never watch the movie.)

And that concludes my once-every-four-years attempt to be cultural! It was an enjoyable afternoon which left me swearing that I will do these things more often but…we know how that goes!

Sometime in the beginning of April, Chooch casually said that he needed a ride to the Northside.

“For sailing?” he said, like we are so fucking dumb for not knowing this.

Anyone who has ever dealt with a teenager in any capacity knows how hard it is to pull one concise strand of information from them. They like to give it in pieces. Over time. Cryptically. Usually omitting pertinent chunks because you’re expected to ‘use context clues’ to ‘fill in the blanks.’ Why should they have to do all of the work!? Relying information is HARD. Especially when it is PROBABLY IN PAPER-FORM HANDED TO THEM AT SCHOOL BY A TEACHER WITH THE ASSUMPTION THAT IT WILL MAKE ITS WAY TO THE PARENT/GUARDIAN.

OK, so anyway. All we knew was that some of Chooch’s friends had signed up for some sailing class thing and I guess Chooch decided to also go.

We asked questions like, “Where on the Northside is this?” “What time is it over?” “Does it cost anything?”

Of course, these queries were met with a snarly scoffed, “I don’t know.” 

I thought it was like, a one-time thing? But he’s been going every Saturday and apparently, it’s some type of a certification program!?!? He came home from school one day and said that he had to take a swimming test for this…this…whatever this is. To which I said we’d have to talk to his doctor about first even though swimming would probably be ok with a knee injury (I don’t know!).

He goes, “Ok well, I already took it and passed, here sign this.”

Why do I even bother attempting to parent this person who evidently is an actual adult who doesn’t need any help and goes through his own alternative channels (forging our sigs when needed, obtaining them after-the-fact if possible).

Well, apparently the swimming test was so that he could participate in the CAPSIZING TEST which happened last Saturday. In the RIVER. IN THE RAIN. Ugh.

THEN! One day last week, he didn’t come home from school until around 6. No texts, nothing. Henry and I were like “????” when he strode through the door in a manner so relaxed he should have been also casually chewing on a piece of hay. He looked at us like we were the ones in the wrong, and goes, “I was at sailing?” like we were supposed to know this.

I asked how he got there, and he said, “Dr. K.”

WHO TF IS THAT?? Apparently, a teacher at his school. So now the pieces are starting to fall into place. Somehow his school is involved in this…

And I’m sure SOMEWHERE there are papers that he was probably supposed to give us to read. (Probably already “signed” by us though.)

At work, my friend Nate said, “It’s like National Treasure! You and Henry are racing to figure out the mystery of Chooch’s nautical activities.”

Yes, exactly! Racing to figure out the mystery of his life in general! He has always been like this, dropping crumbs for us and then leaving us to figure it out on our own, for as long as he’s been old enough to leave the house. So, basically since he started school.

I still don’t really know much about this, except that sometimes the location of the “classes” is the Carnegie Science Center, and that now he has a yellow rope which he sometimes absent-mindedly carries around with him, swinging it lazily.

SIDE NOTE: I don’t think I ever knew what Christopher Cross looked like!??

I have had every intention of sitting down and blasting out an update re: Chooch’s random new extracurriculars but as per UJE the work-week has sucked me dry, boy-o. I can’t put my finger on what is different this year but it is…something. And I feel like I am splashing uncontrollably in the deep end and just can’t keep my head up man.

So instead I exercised a bunch tonight which is v. smart since my back has been hurting more lately and also basically all of my body too, and watched coaster vlogs because both things are security blankets for me. WHAT ARE YOURS?

I think I feel disoriented a little? I don’t think it’s depression. Just stress. Work stress. Travel stress. Social stress. Who’s gonna move next door to me stress.

Oh!! One piece of good news is that Chooch had his final knee check-up the other day and doctor cleared him for all activities! So today he rode his bike to school which I do not support because I’m a spastic worrier and riding his bike entails him taking his bike on the T to downtown, and then riding his bike from downtown to Oakland. He is sooooo city and I cannot relate because I was sooooo suburban as a teen.

This was a pointless post really but I have this weird thing where I don’t like going more than a day without writing here?! Why am I like this. Barely tweet. Pretty inconsistent on Insta these days. But the place where I have the sparest audience?? Gotta give it my all!

Oh yeah and please enjoy that old picture up there that I found while scrolling thru old FLICKR albums. It’s from 2014! What was I even doing in 2014?! Not reading whatever book that is.

We had Janna over on Saturday night for some cake and games in celebration of her birthday the day before. I wonder if she felt trepidation as she walked onto my front porch, wondering what surprise horrors were waiting for her? I know, I know, why would anyone be suspicious of my intentions! Right?? LOL.

Janna’s Poopy B-Day Cake circa 2003, happy 20th anniversary!

Anyway, I swear to god we just had a casual evening planned! Henry bought a variety of cake logs from Prantl’s (Pittsburgh famous!) after dropping Chooch off at sailing (separate post on that forthcoming, get your boat shoes ready). However, I told him to get 4 and he only got 3, completely leaving off the one  that I had said numerous times sounded really good (chocolate sour cream!) so his punishment was NO CAKE except that I couldn’t eat all of mine, so he ended up getting my leftovers, sigh.

Chooch, basically an adult now, insisted on cutting the cakes for us. I honestly felt like I had gone into sugar shock after this cake buffet  but it was worth it. I hadn’t had anything from Prantl’s in a long-ass time and really forgot how magical their burnt almond torte is. The red velvet and whatever the white chocolate cherry thing was also were super decadent. I HOPE JANNA LIKED IT.

JANNA, I DID THIS FOR YOUUUUUUUU. NEVER FORGET.

Post-cake, we moved the party up to the game room, wherein Chooch had a fit because PEOPLE WERE EATING SNACKS IN A CONFINED SPACE AROUND HIM.

WAITING FOR JANNA.

JANNA ARRIVES, TRIPPING ON FUN-TIME TINSEL CURTAIN AND SPILLING WINE ON STEPS. ME, IN LIEU OF ASKING IF SHE IS OK: DID YOU RIP THE CURTAIN??

SHE DID NOT.

(But Chooch did later, as evidenced by tinsel shreds on the floor.)

There is this 80s and 90s song humming game that I love but HENRY was teammate and it was a SHIT SHOW. He is so bad! Chooch was also super angry at his partner arrangement and said that if he and I were a team, we’d have won by a landslide and wow, did Chooch just actually say something complimentary?! Anyway, one of the songs Henry was humming sounded STRAIGHT UP like a funeral dirge and I was getting chills (not the good kind). It ended up being “Keep On Loving You” – REO Speedwagon!? Maybe if someone slowed the record player down, jesus christ. I can’t remember if this was a rule or if Chocoh made it up, but you could also steal if the other team didn’t guess and Chooch kept stealing every time Henry couldn’t guess my hums because he is a STOOP. It was dreadful, we lost so badly, which is really saying something considering Chooch’s teammate was Janna who would spend most of the  time thinking about how the song goes and then would hum ONE NOTE. Like, how is my team going to steal?

Ugh, it was so frustrating lol.

First though, we attempted to this Vampire game that is similar to the MAFIA GAME that kpop groups are always playing and I simply do not understand how to play. Chooch attempted to teach us this game and then quickly deemed us as too old and dumb so we moved on to the HUMMING game, which I stupidly thought the other Olds in the room could handle.

DISCO BALL-SELFIE INTERLUDE.

We were being so fucking with the windows open that a group a young girls walking by started cheering up at us, which of course inspired me to run to the window, hang halfway out, and cheer back, to which Henry muttered, “Please don’t” and then when I suggested inviting them in, he REALLY said, “PLEASE DON’T.”

I hated this game, especially because Janna beat me by one point and also because I was better at the Millennial questions than the Gen X ones – do NOT revoke my Gen X club membership, please. Yes, I know 1979 is RIGHT ON THE CUSP, but please, let me continue to believe in my pea brain that Gen X is the Kids Who Grew Up in the 1980s Squad.

LIKE, HOW AM I THE SAME GENERATION AS PAPA H?? HOW IS HE NOT A BOOMER.

Then Janna and I stayed up until 2am talking and watching NCT videos while I quizzed her on members – she is really bad at remembering them!!!!

And that concludes Janna’s Non-Poopy B-Day Celebration at my stupid house playing games with us annoying bitchasses.

This was one of the nicest Mother’s Days I’ve had in some time (minus the SHAVED ICE incident) and I’m so glad that Chooch and Henry were both on board with my idiotic wish if driving 3 hours for vegan junk food.

I really really really enjoyed our post-lunch digestive walk about the nearby rose garden. We were laughing (OK I was laughing) at one point when I realized that all the other mothers there that afternoon were dressed in spring dresses or some type of feminine equivalent and here I come in my pink vans and NCT127 shirt, bitches.

You know, becoming a mom is one of the best decisions I ever made in my whole entire life, but going hand-in-hand with that was my decision to not lose myself when becoming a mom. Sometimes I wonder if Chooch would have preferred a real MOM-mom in lieu of the landychild mom he was born to. Hold on, I’m going to ask him. I’ll report back.

WELP, HIS ANSWER WAS AN EXTREMELY PUT-OFF “I DON’T KNOW.”

Cool. Cool cool cool.

Also, check out that mini-bitch ruining our photo!!

I was going to try and remove those people from my picture but then I felt too tired/couldn’t care anymore.

Two crazy parts about yesterday:

1. we didn’t fight at all (EXCEPT FOR WHEN THE SHAVED ICE THING HAPPENED)
2. we didn’t encounter any annoying people anywhere we went

Let’s be real though for a second – I have to plan my own Fun Times or else we’ll just stay home and I’ll sit here all day waiting for something that’s never going to happen. I think that’s why I actually like stupid Miley Cyrus’s “Flowers” – because that’s basically me even though I’m not single (or am I??).

Sometimes you just gotta make your own happiness, you guys!

(I should put this disclaimer in all of my blog posts but please be advised that I write most of my posts from my phone and sometimes words get autocorrected answers* I don’t notice, or I just create typos all of my own volition but I’m a stoop in that way. Apologies in advance. Bueno bueno.)

*(SEE???? Just swerving by a month later and noticed this. I guess that was supposed to be “and”??)

Hello good morning sweateeees I wasn’t going to LiveBlog but now I feel like it. It is currently 9:27am and we just had a fun stop at Sheetz in Wheeling. Some broad came rushing over to me and legit cried, “I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE LOVE LOVE UR SWEATER. ITS FANTASTIC!” And it was a really nice Sheetz moment, you know? Chooch came slithering around the corner and hissed, “WHAT did she say?” Because as you know, Chooch hates it when I am the recipient of compliments.

Then as we were walking away from the check out, someone came up behind us and fucking ROARED their cigarette order in a marbled slur, making us all whip our heads around to see TO WHOM THE VOICE BELONGED. As expected, it was a very large (in height and girth) truck driver.

11:02am: at a rest stop somewhere in Ohio and I just screamed out the name of a coaster enthusiast that I have been trying to think of since last night and no one cares lol. (It is SLOAN by the way – I kept saying “it’s an ambiguous name and also the name of a character from a popular 80s movie” like I knew the name the whole time but was just trying to get other ppl to guess??)

All you have missed so far is me bitching about social media attention-grabbers.

11:29am: Chooch just asked if we were going outside anywhere, like…we didn’t just drive all the way to Columbus to sit in the car, so…?

I asked why and he said, “because somehow* I got Dunkin all over my shirt.”

*SOMEHOW. Because he is still a child!! Henry just said, “I guess we need to start bringing the diaper bag with us in the car again.” Honestly!! 17 years old but some things never change.

He just asked for an I Love Ohio shirt to change into lol.

Waiting for our fooooood!

Lunchin’ with Mikey!

Ok, this has got to be top 3 best vegan places I’ve eaten at, now that we’ve had two experiences I feel like I can safely and confidently say that. I got the fish sandwich and nearly wept into it.

General Tso’s wings – amazing. Chunky bois. Lotsa umami. Chooch got the sandwich version, and Henry got the Buffy Mac which is a chicken sandwich with Mac and cheese on it.

We were all satisfied. And also happy that we got there within five minutes of the lunch time rush, phew.

Meanwhile, since seventeen year old still travels like a toddler and ended up arriving in Columbus with stains and spills all over his shirt, we had to buy him a shirt from the place we’re eating lunch at and now it’s like he’s That Guy who wears the band’s shirt to their concert OMG no lol.

1:12pm: we just left some rose garden thing and it was a nice way to digest after that filling lunch.

We managed to not fight once! Chooch was mostly distracted by the online auctions he’s bidding on.

1:51pm: SOUND THE BUZZER! Henry finally managed to ruin my day!!!!!! We went to Belle’s Bakery because they presumably have shaved ice which I stupidly thought was the Americanized way of saying they have kakigori. Since the bingsu place is closed on Sundays, I figured the Japanese version would suffice.

It was REALLY crowded so Henry said he would wait in line and then me and Chooch walked over to a Japanese gift store, at which point I lost him, but then found him again when he texted me and said he never left the store??

Anyway, when I saw Henry walk out of the bakery with literally just a cup of shaved iced a la Rita’s, I was sooooo mad. He at that point went back in and got the matcha soft serve that I had specifically asked for, in a separate cup, but it just wasn’t it, dawg.

I really thought it was going to be the GOOD “shaved ice” and not “actual shaved ice” so I poured bigly but now we are going to a vegan bakery to salvage the day.

Meanwhile, Chooch has been bidding on a “smart oven” all day, whatever that means, and keeps giving us updates.

2:12pm: just stopped here for spoiled son to get a game:

It was actually less creepy inside.

Healthcare send Heidi phone why need like cell? I have Spotify I don’t know why you talking about quiet woman here this time I think you would like that I thought of you like to wait for you little while 70s hits really put its way.

^^^^^ UM my phone auto-typed that based on the convo Henry and I were just having. Definitely leaving it in haha. 

2:37pm: Happy Little Treats!

Lady working here was very nice and the bakery itself is a delight! Interior design inspo….???

I got the cherry almond Poptart and it righted the wrongs created by Henry and Belle’s Bakery. It was JUST RIGHT.

3:59pm: We’re finally making our way home after taking a detour to NEWARK, OHIO which I am here to confirm is basically as a smaller but still shitty version of Newark, NJ. We went there because they had a gaming place but their board game selection was really slim so we walked in and basically walked right back out and Chooch was embarrassed about this for some reason.

I made Henry drive us through “downtown” and it was pretty shitty but the courthouse was pretty.

Then we passed the Longaberger Basket building!!

True story: I dated a guy briefly in high school whose mom was a Longaberger salesperson and every time I would call their house, the machine would say YOU HAVE REACHED BARB* FROM LONGABERGER BASKET” and it always sounded wrong to me, like she had meant to say “longberger” without the “a.”

*I actually can’t remember her name now just that she really didn’t like me which is on brand because none of my boyfriends moms ever liked me. Most of my friends moms don’t like me either so I guess it’s a “me” problem.

5:07pm: at a rest stop in Ohio somewhere between Zanesville and Wheeling. When Henry and I were getting out, Henry was being deaf as usual so Chooch said, “OMG I said it twice…three four times” harkening back to our second time in Korea when Henry flipped out on us at a cafe in a Jeonju (while sharing bingsu, coincidentally!!) because we were moving him and he said something about how “OK! You don’t have to repeat it twice three four times!” Of course, Chooch and I latched on to this and STILL reference it. So today in retaliation, Henry said, “fuck off two three four times.” OOH OK TOUGH GUY.

After peeing, Henry proceeded to do some weird ceremonial circling around the car and he was making us so nervous. Chooch kept yelling WHAT ARE YOU DOING I WANT TO GET HOME (apparently “getting the circulation flowing”) and at this same time I noticed that Chooch had a bag of HOT MUSTARD Doritos in the backseat with him so I exclaimed “Ooh I want to try it!” Chooch got real triggered by this and snapped I DONT WANT TO OPEN THE BAG so I said, “Wow, OK. It’s Mother’s Day but whatever” and he shouted OH MY GOD and threw the bag at me.

Hot mustard Doritos are good, you guys!!

7:50pm: Hello, checking in from home. Henry pretty much IMMEDIATELY went upstairs and collapsed into bed which is making me really scared to get old(er) because this was just a day trip? We didn’t do that much? He went to be bed at 11pm last night and we didn’t wake up to start getting ready to leave until around 7am. I was up until after 2am chatting with Janna and trying to teach her the names of THREE NCT members. Just three! I’m the one who should be passed in bed but mmm. Cook on, Henry.

To summarize, today was really good aside from the SHAVED ICE incident!

Here we will look at pictures of the going away party I threw for one of my longest and favorite work pals. I was shocked to hear that Lauren was leaving the firm, but!! I know that she is on to bigger and better things. As I’m sitting here thinking of all the memories I made with Lauren over the years, I realize that I was remiss in not including a pot of mulch as a centerpiece. :/

Earlier that day, Drew started to become V.AWARE that people were going to come over. Here, you can see her eye-balling the banner I had strung up. Anytime I string shit up from the ceiling – she KNOWS.

Taemin was ready!

Speaking of Kpop idols, Lauren was one of the only people in the department who supported my k-lifestyle from its inception. She never made fun of me; she always welcomed the gossip; and she not only watched the music videos I would send the group, but she always had comments afterward. That is a true friend!

Marlene had said she was coming that night so I pulled out her FAVORITE artifact from my collection, the Fiji mermaid. SHE LOVES HER SO MUCH. (She really doesn’t.)

(Also, LOL ever heard of WINDEX, Erin? For God’s sake, clean that damn fishbowl.)

Fruit spread!

When I first became social media friends with Megan after she joined our department, one of the first things I learned about her was that, wow, homie loves to make themed cheese balls. And now this is the second Megan-created cheese ball that I got to serve at my house! I told her this that night and she was like, “Aw” but also I think she was waiting for me to tack on some awkward statement to kill the heartwarming friendship moment.

Anyway, isn’t this cute?!!? (The M&Ms were just for decoration but now I kind of wish I had tried a bite of both…)

You guys, I can’t believe I got Marlene to come to my house, it was amazing!

Lauren, Nate, Marlene!

YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE I GOT GLENN TO COME TO MY HOUSE. Let me back up here: I had originally sent an email to my old group/Lauren’s current group at the time of her departure, and invited them over. Only two people couldn’t come, but Glenn had not answered. I messaged him in CAPSLOCK on Jabber and he said “shouldn’t be a problem, let me check with the boss.” Well, that was basically where the conversation rolled over and died. Luckily, I am also friends with Glenn’s wife (a nightmare situation for him, truly) so I texted her and said, “Did Glenn tell you about the going away party I invited you guys to?” and her answer, as expected, was, “LOL no!”

So then I had to give her the deets, go on Jabber and yell at Glenn in CAPSLOCK again, at which point he forwarded my party email to her.

Ugh, men!!

Sandy!!! You guys, our department still is smartin’ (I have literally never used that word before and the other day, I called someone a chump because I couldn’t think of anything else to say and Henry was like, ‘DID YOU GO BACK TO THE 50??” OMG what if?!) from her departure nearly a year ago now. Sandy, Nate and I were all hired in 2010, along with another guy, Mitch. Now, Nate and I are the only people left from the ’10 line. :(

(In Kpop, idols are sometimes referred to by the year they were born, so you could say like, “Oh, Haechan, Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun are ’00 liners.)

Anyway, look how precious Lauren looks in that picture!!

The PARTNERS. These guys stuck together a lot because they didn’t want to hear our boring work stories.

At one point, someone asked, “Don’t you have cats?” which made me laugh because even though I thought I picked up all the cat toys, you can see a bunch under the wheelchair that I forgot, plus some cat houses are just always out in the open. But no one ever gets to see my cats because they are soooooo anti-people. Drew fled before anyone even arrived, and it turned out that Penelope was actually in one of her  cat beds under the church pew almost the entire night, and slowly crept out around 11, stretched, looked around, and then went back under the church pew.

NON-FIRM guys sticking together, now in a different room. I’m glad Henry found chat-mates in Tony and Eric, I was worried he was going to feel like the hired help all night, lol.

Amber said the greatest thing about my house that night, that even though there is so much going on and so much to see, there is a flow to it, it makes sense, and it’s curated. THANK YOU! I know this joint isn’t for everyone, but I feel so comfortable here ever since we finally started redecorating everything all those years ago. She had never actually been here before, but had seen it in pictures and in video meetings. She said that it wasn’t the same as actually being in here though and I appreciated that!

Behind Marlene, you can see the clown doll that she immediately turned around so it wouldn’t be looking at her, lol. Amanda was also not thrilled being the clown house but they both persevered!

Marlene’s drinking the MEXICAN SANGRIA I made, which I actually had to refill TWICE. Yo, usually when I make punch for my parties, there is much left over and it’s such a waste. But these fiesta folk came to DRINK. I can’t believe I didn’t take a picture of the beverage buffet!

There’s a study* that says that pinatas are the best ways to dull the pain of saying goodbye to one of the best people you’ve ever worked with!

*(That study may have been conducted by me for the OHE University that night.)

Did I already mention that Lauren taught me so much at work? Because she really did. I’ll always be grateful for the years we were on the same team, and will NEVER FORGET when Amber was on maternity leave and Lauren and I had to train the girl who was hired at that same time and it was so fucking stressful and burdensome and for the first time in my life, I had to ask to leave work because I had period cramps so hard that I couldn’t sit up and Lauren was like, “IT’S BECAUSE OF THE STRESS” and she was 100% right. Anyway, we really leaned on each other a lot during that time and I have felt bonded to her ever since.

Paparazzi.

A bunch of group photos were inevitable.

You guys, I was pretty drunk. Ever since I had THREE GOOD BEERS at Shorty’s, I have been on this kick where I think that I am suddenly a beer drinker. Henry kept trying to buy cider and shandy for the festivities, but I kept shouting, “NO, BEER.” So he got some cider and a variety pack of some kind of beer, but then he and Megan kept trying to get me to drink cider all night and I was getting so indignant. Megan put her hands up at one point and said, “Oh sorry, I forgot – you’re only drinking BEER.”

There was this one kind that everyone kept saying I wouldn’t like so I was like “I’LL SHOW THEM.” I nursed it for a good long while but I did finish it!

“Did you like it?” Megan asked.

“No,” I said, free of hesitation.

<3

SERIOUS.

Amanda and Glenn! Did you guys know that Glenn SORT OF helped to facilitate my Trudy acquisition?

I can’t believe this was Nate’s first time meeting Trudy! Sandy was like, “Pfft, we’ve met before.”

I love that people can just hang out in the kitchen like way back when I first moved in and it served as a natural spill-over for party people. I never want to go back to the years of being ashamed of my home, you guys. Never.

NATE CLEANING UP THE CAKE HE DROPPED. By the way, Henry served literal ice cube-sized pieces of cake to everyone and I kept saying, “Why are you cutting it like this, you fucking cake miser?!” It was the only lowpoint of the night for me, Henry embarrassing me with his stingy cake-serving.

“EVERYONE GOT A PIECE, DIDN’T THEY? AND MOST PEOPLE EVEN TOOK SOME HOME, DIDN’T THEY? IT’S FINE!” Henry shouted on our walk home from Pita Land today, when I brough up Cake Gate once again.

I GOT TO HAVE A BE REAL DO OVER and Amber was like, “Oh…that’s all this is?” lol.

Yeah, you can tell I’m trashed.

Eric, Megan, Lauren, Tony, and Nate ended up staying until pretty late – I feel like it was after midnight which is actually way later than I anticipated this lasted but trust me – I was happy about that. I AM PEOPLE-STARVED. I was getting pretty obnoxious and giddy by then so it was probably a good thing that it ended before I suggested ding-dong-ditching HNC or something.

To summarize: I hate that Lauren left, but Nate and I really wanted to do some type of gesture to show her that she matters, we care, and she will be fucking missed forever.

I have been putting this off all week because the sadness of Lauren’s law firm departure has really hit me, but we had a really nice, heartwarming, hilarious, bittersweet, super fun send-off for her at my house on Saturday. I know I am going to start ugly crying if I look at the pictures of all of us KLG idiots so I think instead I’ll do a GLENN prelude.

You fucking know I can’t pass up any opportunity to drag Glenn’s face through the mud, or in this case, the icing.  Let’s back up – the original intent of my house party was to celebrate Lauren’s time at the law firm with some delicioso Bethel Bakery cake. (The post-Cinco de Mayo fiesta aspect was quickly appended by Nate.)

I take my cake ordering VERY SRSLY. I KNEW it had to have a Glenn on it. I fucking knew it did. So when I started to design a picture of him crying with also a sobbing Law Firm looming over his shoulder, I started to wonder how to fill up the empty space on the other side of him. And it came to me: A JABBER GROUP CHAT! I started to sketch out a crude rendition in Photoshop but then thought – wait, what if I got the group chat to coordinate a string of GOODBYES/WELL WISHES/ETC for Lauren, and I could screenshot it for the cake?

Yeah, what if?!?! I’ll never know because these instructions were apparently Calc-level confusing. One of the people immediately needed to be contrary and difficult by saying, “we could do an e-card? so everyone can sign?”

WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS AIMING FOR HERE?? LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT WAS THAT THIS WAS BASICALLY LIKE SIGNING A CARD BUT BETTER. :(

It got worse from there and some of my friends were privately messaging me, telling me to breathe and that I was doing a good job. It just really bummed me out that something that made so much sense in my dumb rock-filled head wasn’t coming to fruition. In the end, I started to single certain people out and having them just Jabber their Lauren-ment directly in our own private chat windows, at which point, I snagged each individual message and layered it around the Glenn image.

I can’t make people want to be a part of things. I have to realize this. But every time, it’s like being in high school and yelling at people who were assigned to work with me on group projects because WHY CAN’T YOU SEE MY VISIONNNNNN?!?!?

Breathe. You’re doing a good job, Erin.

(Honestly, Nate and Wendi were my heroes that day.)

Honestly? It actually fucking worked out! You can’t tell from this picture (and I’m not going to post the actual jpg because it literally has everyone’s first and last names on it and I’m really sure that they would love the chance to be doxxed courtesy of Oh Honestly, Erin) but all the messages were legible, thank god. When I went to pick the cake up before the party, the high school boy who retrieved it from me came back and said, “This is a REALLY cool cake. What did you use to make this?” and then I explained the background, about how we’re all a bunch of a-holes basically and the cake was one big, sweet, inside joke.

I WAS SO EXCITED THAT I IMPRESSED A HIGH SCHOOL KID! And that they lettered the message exactly how I typed it out. I was worried they would want to fix the case, etc. and that would have ROONED it.

But wait! There’s more!

Before Nate and I even asked* Lauren if she was cool with the party idea, I had glommed on to the idea of having a pinata. Actually, now that I think about it, this must have been where the fiesta theme came from?? Why am I so slow? The party was almost a full week ago and I am just now realizing this.

*(I originally wanted to surprise her but we couldn’t figure out the logistics of that aside from pretending like Henry was suddenly the same database as us at his job and wanted to ask her questions about it, and then Nate called it the FaygoBase and it was a whole dumn thing that I tried to tell Henry about when he came home and all he said, “You guys are dumb” and “How do you get any work done?” (You would be surprised at how much shit I get done in spite of my shenanigans.)

And obviously, the first thing I knew would be stuffed inside the pinata? GLENNS. (And also a bunch of Mexican candies, including the roasted chicken–just in shape, not flavor–suckers that Lauren and Nate were obsessed with when I filled the International Candy Pumpkin with a bag of ’em back in the In Office Days.)

Debby’s Space Heater Fire Glenn. (I thought I had posted about this but I guess not. It happened on a day when I was off, and literally three people texted me immediately to goad me about THIS AMAZING THING that I missed. Turns out, Debby’s space heater HAD CAUGHT FIRE and Aaron jumped into volunteer 10th Floor Firefighter mode, heroically DUMPED THE CANDY OUT OF MY PUMPKIN, filled it with water from the nearby water fountain that no one liked to drink from because sometimes the water came out yellow, and doused the flames.)

International Candy Pumpkin Glenn. [You might recall that back when we worked in the office, I had a plastic trick-or-treating pumpkin pail behind Lauren’s desk that I kept perpetually filled with delights (and sometimes disgusting things that ended up being spat right into the nearest trash can).]

DOUG GLENN, which apparently had Nate stumped?!!? He had FORGOTTEN ABOUT DOUG?? Lauren set him straight, though.

OK, maybe by the weekend I will be ready to post party pics and share some of my best Lauren mems. Sigh.

You guys, I’m reposting this because it’s still so precious (precious??) to me. Wacky Worm 4 Lyfe! Should I take my homemade I’d Rather Be Riding the Wacky Worm t-shirt on our Coaster Crew vacation this summer?!? Speaking of, 12 years later and I am cracking up so bad at the thought of CHOOCH originally being “too scared” to ride the Wacky Worm! He’s come a long way, lololol.
***

I have an obsessive personality, so it really shouldn’t surprise anyone that after riding the Wacky Worm (or, for those in the know, The Caterpillar) for the first time at last year’s Big Butler Fair, the hope that it would return in 2011 was one of the few things that kept me from hanging myself with a hobo’s necktie over the winter.

Who the fuck is this kid in the red shirt and why isn’t he cheering? You’re on the Wacky Worm; get stoked, motherfucker!

As soon as Janna, Chooch and I had our ride-all-day wristbands slapped on (so proud of Janna for sucking it up and going all-out! Henry, however, remains a pussy) I suggested we take a preemptive stroll around the fairgrounds. I was trying to stay cool about it, but the truth was that my pulse was quickening due to the fact that the Caterpillar was not in the same spot it was in last year and I couldn’t even begin to imagine a day at the fair without it. Especially since I spent an hour the night before coaxing and bribing Chooch to want to ride it. (He punked out last year and in that moment, I was no longer looking at my son, but at a 40″ failure. And you better believe I let him know it! And you better believe Henry lectured me for letting him know it.) So while I pretended to be interested in the money-guzzling midway games boasting oversized Rastafarian bananas as prizes and the joyful beam on my kid’s sweaty face as he rode on some kiddie truck ride (which was actually pretty awesome and I should have went on it too, why didn’t I go on it too?), I was actually craning my neck to see overtop tents and pendulating cages of death, in search of just one glimpse of my beloved Caterpillar.

THANK GOD IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE, YOU GUYS.

“Why do you keep laughing like Pee Wee Herman?” Janna asked me, herself laughing quite nervously as we embarked on the first of many frivolous journeys.

“I don’t know, I’m just having so much fun!” I answered a little defensively, like I now needed to prove I wasn’t going to whip out my penis and coat the Caterpillar with my gooey joy.

Corey met us there an hour later and immediately joined the fan club. I think we rode it like, 18 times, with no promise of ever slowing down. I’d still be riding it right now, if I could. I think The Law Firm should have one in the building. As a stress reliever. You know. Fuck yoga.

Unfortunately for Corey, who is six-foot-alot, he was unable to join us in raising the roof each time the Caterpillar cruised down the hill.

“I’ll for sure break my wrists,” he announced when he realized how low the track was above us.

I let him believe that that’s what would happen, when I really know that his arms would most likely get gruesomely divorced from the rest of his torso. And it would still remain the best ride ever.

At one point, I noticed that older kids started lining up for it.

“That’s because they hear you screaming and now they think this ride is fun,” Henry mumbled.

“Um, it is fun,” I corrected him.

“No, you’re just an idiot,” he sighed. How would he know when he wouldn’t even ride it? What the fuck, Henry. It’s because he was too scared. TOO SCARED OF EXPERIENCING 60 SECONDS OF SHEER DELIGHT.

It might actually force him to crack a smile, possibly even tack on a few more minutes to his miserable life, god forbid.

So instead of joining us, he stood off to the side like some purse-toting pedophile, while all the other moms stood nearby and encouraged their respective children to cheer each time the caterpillar carried us past. Of course, this made me carry on even louder, like I was single-handedly trying to bring back the Arsenio;  sometimes I would even shout Henry’s name and then point at him so everyone would know we belonged together.

He was really enthused about that.

This guy and another younger Mexican were the official Wacky Worm operators of the day, and let me tell you—they tired of me real fast. I mean, REAL FAST. I was about as amusing to them as border-crossing and I’m certain they mistook me as mentally challenged. Or on drugs. Why? Because no one has that much fun on the Wacky Worm? Damn right no one has that much fun on the Wacky Worm!  I am the champion of the Wacky Worm!

Anyway, I’m glad he decided to fuck with the ride’s foundation while Corey and Chooch were on it, and not me.

Furthermore, why wasn’t I on it that time?! I have no idea. I’m sure I must have had some sort of reason to willingly pass up a joyride on the back of my beloved Caterpillar, but the only thing I can think of is that’s when I was giving a blow job to the Dunk-a-Clown under the bleachers during the tractor pull.

Let me try to walk you through the glory that is the Caterpillar (or Wacky Worm, whatever you feel most comfortable, as an adult, calling it). It’s like riding in Jesus’s lap (that can go either way you want, holla to the religious porn addicts) as a caterpillar ascends you up to the Heavens, far away from all the grouchy grown-ups, while tiny angel-dusted kitten paws knead biscuits of lost childhood memories on your belly, and all of a sudden you remember what it felt like to score that coveted Scratch n Sniff sticker you needed to fill the page and to not have bills to pay and a house to make sure isn’t exploded by your kid and a boyfriend who might have even been the same age as you, and it feels great. Great like freedom. You absolutely want to ride it 87 more times. Caterpillar, take me away.

I got to do something that I missed out on last summer: riding the Caterpillar at sunset. Nothing is better in life than riding the Caterpillar at sunset.

We never got to ride in the front seat, though we came close on our second-to-last go-around but the dumb bitch in front of us in line caught wind of our plans and pushed her way to the coveted front spot. Or it could have been that her beer-bellied dad was hollering, “GET THE FRONT, GIRL. GET IT!” when the carny opened the gate.

I tried to get Henry to act as a placeholder while we were on the ride. You know, have him stand alone in line, saving us a spot in the front; but he refused, mumbled something about not wanting to be the only adult male in line for a kiddie ride, at which point I had to argue that Powers Great American Midways mistakenly lists the Wacky Worm under the “kiddie ride” section of their website when they obviously meant for it to be under “spectacular rides.”

The next morning, Chooch came over to me and said, “Thank you, Mommy.” The fact that he said this earnestly and with no hint of sarcasm gave me pause.

“For what?” I asked hesitantly.

“For making me ride the Caterpillar yesterday. It was so awesome.”

That was my proudest moment as a parent.

***

Since I’m friends with Powers Great American Midways on Facebook (laugh all you want, it’s informative!), I know that they’re affiliated with the upcoming Fayette County Fair which is happening on my birthday. You better believe I’m going! I went to the PGAM website and filled out the contact form with a very pressing question:

This inspired Henry to sigh heavily and say various interpretations of disapproval, such as: Don’t send that; Get a life; You need help; Get the fuck over it.

They haven’t responded to my pressing inquiry yet. Until then, I will just watch my video continuously until Henry takes the Internet away from me.

(Henry thought I pushed that girl out of my way at the end. I promise you I employed great restraint not to. Also, I apparently wasn’t holding Janna’s phone properly BUT WHO CARES IT’S THE FUCKING CATERPILLAR YA’LL. Henry really wants me to stop calling it that. It’s apparently a completely different ride.)

Me, telling Henry & Chooch what I want to do on Mother’s Day: “I want to go to Columbus, as we discussed. And then on Mother’s Day Eve—“

Chooch, while Henry mumbled similar sentiments: “NO. That is NOT a thing!”

It is when you’re living under *my* roof, bitches.

****

• In other news, my blog was hacked again or something, I don’t know. It was down almost all day until Henry came home from work and dealt with it because I cared but also didn’t care?

• I’m still recovering from the weekend which is incredibly sad. I just really cannot handle alcohol in this moderately old bitch season of my life. I think I’m more socially hung over than anything else though (in a good way!).
• I asked Henry to put a temporary moratorium on the DAILY coffee runs to Dunkin Donuts (did I already mention this or was it in a dream) because each trip is nearly $20 and since we flunked out of HOW TO SAVE MONEY school, I thought that this would be a small, bare minimum corner we can cut in order to collect some extra monies for our summer trip which I will be borrowing against my 401K to pay for because again, what is saving money. Anyway, this is all to say that Henry had the audacity to suggest that we also STOP FEEDING THE SQUIRRELS. LOL he can fuck himself right over a cliff, byeee.

• We bought FROOTS at Las Palmas for the fiesta on Saturday. We actually only went there to get Mexican candy for the piñata but then I was like “and this” “and that” and as we walked out with our Mexican merch, Henry sighed, “When you plan things, you do it big,” and i was like “what are you talking about, this is just a super caj farewell thing that only requires exotic fruit, homemade Mexican sangria, beer, cider, a piñata, tons of candy, fiesta decor, and a cake from Bethel Bakery that features a picture that nearly caused me to flip my desk when trying to get coworkers to contribute to it?”

• I assigned Jaemin as Janna’s NCT Dream bias. I sent her several comp videos of him being a chaotic weirdo and she has accepted him with open arms.

https://youtu.be/1MyaBJhskMM

• I was so tired of Taylor Swift concert footage coming up in my reels on Instagram so I started blocking Swiftie fam accounts but then realized I could mark the videos as I AM NOT INTERESTED IN THIS and the reason I selected was “it makes me uncomfortable” because it does!! I don’t know what it is about her but I have never been able to stand her. Her music is fine – it’s so bland and vanilla that I can easily block it out but there is something about her stage presence (or IMO lack there of) that just makes me feel nauseated. Then I added all iterations of “Taylor Swift” etc to my blocked content keywords list on IG and I gotta tell you, it’s been fantastic.

WITH THAT, I am going to bed, man. Check back again for more unpopular opinions because my brain is a tree that grows ’em for free.

(DID I MAKE THAT OR HAS IT BEEN SAID BEFORE?? Wow I really need sleep.)

Books. Let’s get it:

1. What Have We Done – Alex Finlay

Honestly? I didn’t like the other Alex Finlay book I read and this one was pretty much on the same level. In fact, I can’t even remember reading this now.

Oh wait, I do remember. There were some sincerely annoying characters in this bitch.

2. Funny You Should Ask – Elissa Sussman

Duuuuude. I had taken this out of the library several months ago, DNF’d it without even starting it, but then trying it out later when I saw the audiobook chillin’ on Libby. (Scribd, maybe? Can’t remember.) The premise is that a young writer interviews a famous young actor in a way that leaves the reader wondering DID THEY OR DIDN’T THEY DO IT.

Fast forward a decade or so and she’s asked to write a follow-up. I won’t get into too much but holy shit, I loved this book. It was funny, bittersweet, refreshing, and hopeful. Um, why are my eyes wet right now?!

(Also, can we talk about this cover? I am so hot for the red/pink color palette. If we ever buy a house, I 100% want a Valentine-themed room.)

3. Fantasticland – Mike Bockoven

OK. I liked this premise and REALLY liked how it was told via interviews for a documentary. I listened to this on audio and that made it even better. Basically, there is a huge ass hurricane that hits Florida and a bunch of employees at a popular theme park agree to stay behind for extra pay because the park was built to withstand catastrophes of a certain degree and because of that, rescue teams / the government make this is a low priority area to service. Shit goes awry and since the majority of the people stuck here are teenagers/young adults, it gets very extreme and violent super quick.

There were definitely a lot of body horror parts that made me blanche a bit, but I thought that the story itself was pretty decent. It did get pretty redundant at times though because various people were essentially telling the same story from different angles/perspectives.

I actually finished it in the car on the first leg of our drive to Chicago for NCT Dream so I will probably always remember it for that.

4. The Paris Apartment – Lucy Foley 

I think this is the third Lucy Foley book I’ve read and each one has been mid. What am I missing here? Lucy Foley is so popular on Bookstagram but I just haven’t been that impressed yet.

This was your typical “everyone in the apartment building is connected/fishy/sinister” whodunnit. Not the worst I’ve ever read but I also sincerely did not really care about anyone in this book or what the big reveal was going to be. The cover is nice though.

5. What Lies in the Woods – Kate Alice Marshall

I knew this author’s name sounded familiar and it’s because I read a YA novel of hers several years ago, which I thought was just OK. This adult thriller/mystery was much better. I cared about the main character and honestly, the plot can fall apart in a book but if I love the characters, I will still probably end up loving the book. That being said, this was KIND OF far-fetched but the writing was strong and the people felt real to me. Sometimes that’s enough.

6. Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone – Benjamin Stevenson 

OK, this was pretty effing great. Sometimes I need a light-hearted, slap-sticky take on a mystery novel and this one did it for me. Charming cast of characters, loved the writing style, quirky and smart. Apparently, this is the start of a series and I think I will have to see it through!

7. Wrong Place, Wrong Time – Gillian McAlister

Typically, I don’t fuck with sci-fi / time travel type shit but this one was pretty compelling to me! The book starts in present day and goes back in time from there, with a WHY that needs to be answered. I was invested, buckled in for the ride. Did I understand all of the time shit? FUCK NO. But it didn’t frustrate me, because the characters and story itself were strong enough to carry me through. There was a solid A-HA moment for me too, which was satisfying.

I think one of the reasons I was felt connected to the main character was because her son reminded me of Chooch a little bit and I was desperate for his actions to make sense.

8. The Lost Night – Andrea Bartz

INTO IT. I really really really liked the flashbacks into the lives of a hipster friend group living in NYC in the early 2000s. The core member of the group kills herself and the rest of the book is about how, years later and after they all had drifted apart, the protagonist of the book starts to realized that she can’t actually remember key elements of the night their friend killed herself.

I loved the music references – it made me so nostalgic – but also this was just so wonderfully written, the story was compelling, there was some humor sprinkled in too so you didn’t get weighed down by the heaviness of the themes. I flew through it and then immediately recommended it to Henry who listened to the audio book in like, one day. He loved it too.

Highly recommend but if you hate it DON’T @ ME.

9. Remarkably Bright Creatures – Shelly Van Pelt

I read one chapter and the voice in my head screamed, “DNF THIS BITCH. THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL.” Because one of the characters is an octopus in an aquarium and the first chapter is him telling the readers what the lifespan of his type of octopus is, and how many days he’s been captive in the aquarium. So, you know where this storyline is headed.

But I forged on and I’m…..glad that I did because this was a very sweet story of found family but hoo boy, I finished it right before I logged on to work one day and couldn’t stop doing the “I HAVE BEEN CRYING” full-body shudder / breath hitching.

This was a nominee for the 2022 Goodreads Best Literary Fiction category and I get why.

Ow, my heart hurts just looking at the cover. Fuck.

10. All These Bodies – Kendare Blake 

Highschool boy in the 1950s tries to solve the mystery of a midwest murder spree. It was ok. I didn’t realize it was YA when I picked it up and it definitely read as such.

11. People Like Her – Ellery Lloyd

A thriller, at times tongue-in-cheek, about a UK Instagram influencer mom who finds herself on someone’s shit list, BIGLY. It was a fast read and I thought it was pretty OK and entertaining!

12. My Darkest Prayer – S.A. Cosby

Wow, what a disappointment, considering that Razorblade Tears was one of the best books I read a few years ago, a big 5 stars. This was like someone else had written it – or is this the same way Razorblade Tears was written!? I truly can’t remember but hoo boy, this was overloaded with extremely trite and eye-rolly similes. SO MANY WORDS for no reason. Cringey dialogue. Vulgar. Crude. Made me feel like I was reading a book for bros without permission.

The worst part though is that the plot wasn’t solid enough to make up for any of that shit. I TRUTHFULLY DID NOT CARE. There were chunks and chunks of chapters that I totally skipped over – not even skimmed, SKIPPED – because it was like, ‘Oh, OK. Another annoyingly descriptive fight scene.”

I think, no – I know, that I was just definitely not the target audience for this book. Your dad would probably like it. Me? DIDN’T IMPRESS ME MUCH.

Oh and also, it kind of felt like this was a second book in a series. There was one incident that was referenced numerous times throughout the entire book and it made me feel like there was another book out there that I should have read first, I don’t know. But yeah, just really not my cup of tea and also, AND THIS IS PROBABLY AWFUL TO SAY, I didn’t think that the “shocking discovery” was all that shocking? Am I just a terrible person? Maybe.

I was expecting to really like this because there was a funerary / church angle to it, but nope. Big fat nope. Did not enjoy this.

Good morning on a beautiful Saturday in May! No sarcasm – the sun is out and Henry is doing YARDWORK (one of my favorite versions of Henry is Gardener Henry that comes with the Manual Labor Henry Pack).

Today is busy because we’re cleaning / prepping for a goodbye fiesta that I’m hosting for a fave work friend but I needed to take a break from the semi-dusting I’m sorta-doing to fan girl over a new NCT DoJaeJung performance that I just watched. I hope they remain a fixed unit because these three are so dynamic together I really can’t even stand it.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend! Stan NCT! Don’t skip a meal! Lol.

Sometime back in March, Margie sent out an email about an upcoming social event in May at a RETRO ENTERTAINMENT ESTABLISHMENT called Shorty’s and I was like, “Yes, this is something I will attend.” So right away, I RSVP’d because everything about me is knee jerk. I then set about to strong-arm several of my work-bros to also RSVP. Some were hesitant but I said, “NO, JUST DO IT. IT WILL BE FUN. I WILL BE THERE.”

And then the day came (Tuesday) and it was cold and rainy and I had a headache and I RULLY wanted to bail. I truly did. Erin of Yesteryear most definitely would have. MOSDEF. But I had talked other people into going and what a bitch move that would be, not to mention I know that final headcounts matter when it comes to planning these things and I couldn’t do that to Sue and Margie. It would be different if I had a legit reason, but considering my alternative would be, you know, loafing at home…Look, I’m really trying to retrain myself into being the social butterfly I was in the….early ’00s.

Sigh.

I can’t even blame covid for my awkwardness!

Henry drove me so I could drink irresponsibly. I walked in like a scared baby deer, knock-kneed and hiding behind a curtain of hair. There were other people there and my eyes are bad, so I was heavy-squinting, trying to see if I could recognize anyone considering I never see work people IRL anymore and we have new people hired during and post-covid that I haven’t seen before!  There could have been a whole table of our department already there and I wouldn’t haven’t know. Then a hostess smelled my social anxierty and asked, “Are you here for the party?”

I said yes, and OF FUCKING COURSE I was the first one to arrive. She took me back to the totally empty area reserved for us and on the way, said, “I love your sweater!” As I was saying thanks, she cut me off to add, “AND YOUR PURSE OMG!” It was my “make your own luck” duster from La La and my hamburger purse that I bought at some yoga studio in….Scranton, PA last year.

“I’m secretly still 16,” I stage-whispered because sometimes I’m me again, and she laughed and said she loved it and OH how I wish Chooch had been there to witness it. He hates when I get to flaunt my INDIVIDUALITY.

Then a waitress and some guy came flocking over to me. ‘ARE YOU MARGIE OR SUE?” the waitress asked and when I said no, her faced fell and she said, “Oh.”

WOW. SORRY FOR BEING HONEST.

J/K she was fantastic actually although I think I was starting to get on her nerves as the night progressed because I am a stupid drinker. I forget what her name was now but when she told me, I cheerfully said, “Oh OK, I’m Erin!” and she looked at me like, “Bitch we ain’t friends now.”

:)

Then Margie finally arrived after I festered on a stool by myself for a solid 3 minutes.

Margie gave me my TWO drink tickets and then asked me to hold the stack and I felt equal parts important and anxious. It felt like too much to be accountable for, especially once people started arriving and I had to dole out the rations.

My table originally consisted of Wendi [I need to say that I am so depressed that she started at the firm AFTER we all moved to fulltime WFH because we have so much in common, especially musically (um, she has seen Dance Gavin Dance and knows Emarosa, etc etc)], Megan, Joy, Amber and Lucas – a solid line-up. But as the progressed, people started mingling more but Megan, Wendi and I were like, “No, people can come to us.” AND THEY DID. So, we ended up with Nate, Margie, Jill, Sharon, Regina, Rachel and Aaron at various points and you know what? I am so glad I didn’t punk out. I really miss seeing these guys every day.

Even #UghLou.

I was so excited to play shuffleboard, which I haven’t done since I was underage and sneaking in (LOL there wasn’t much sneaking involved, actually) to Tim’s Corner Bar in West Elizabeth where I quickly became a shuffleboard shark. And there was supposed to be an interactive photo booth, whatever that means, which Nate and I were fixated on when Margie sent out the email a while back.

BUT DID I PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD? NO!

DID WE PLAY IN THE INTERACTIVE PHOTO BOOTH? NO!

In fact, I forgot all about it until the next day, and Margie admitted that she did think of it when we were there but she couldn’t find it! IF I HAD THOUGHT OF IT, I WOULD HAVE ASKED MY WAITRESS FRIEND. She LOVED it when I would beckon her to me, only to say, “Wait….what did I want?” to Wendi, who was basically ordering all of my beers for me.

<3 these guys!

One of my favorite parts was when I was one beer in (and already slurring) and screamed, “OMG I HAVE TO DO MY BE REAL. YOU GUYS CAN BE IN MY BE REAL!” and Amber and Wendi were like “the fuck is be real” and I had to explain it that it’s basically an app FOR THE KIDS but I started using it (much to Chooch’s chagrin) because one of my favorite YouTubers uses it and to be honest, it’s so dumb for someone like me to have because I’m home 90% of the time when I get the notification that it’s Be Real time.

I explained to them that while I take a selfie, it will also take an outward facing picture so  that they can be in too and I made a big production of getting them to pose…

…but my drunk ass wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing and this is how it came out lol. They were like, “Wow. Cool. Thanks for letting us….be in your Be Real. I guess.”

My other favorite part was when Sue was looking at my photo card holder attached to my purse and softly exclaimed, “Oh Erin, when did this happen??” and I was very confused, like was she asking me when did my NCT bias change to Renjun? “He’s gotten so old!” she said, so then I was like, “Oh wow, does Sue follow NCT Dream and she’s now realizing that they’re not the same little kids from the Chewing Gum era anymore?

NO. SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A PICTURE OF CHOOCH! Oh my god, it was so funny! Granted, it *was* pretty dark in there and most people would assume that if most grown ass ladies had a photo hanging off her purse, it must be her child.

BUT I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GROWN ASS LADIES.

:)

My other other other favorite part was when I was psyching myself up to leave the house and I said, “I will stay for 30 minutes, maybe an hour. Make an appearance. Be mysterious, say something awkward, then leave.” The “event area” was only booked from 6-8 so it wasn’t like people would be staying that long anyway.

But then it was 7 and I was like, “Well, I might as well at least stay and finish this second beer that Wendi chose for me,” and then it was 7:30 and Sue was leaving and gave some of us a third drink ticket, which I greedily accepted.

And then it was 8:30 and the waitress was giving us strong side eye.

And then it was nearly 10 and I was leaving with the last of us still standing after all the food was taken away and there were no more free drinks. I think it was me, Nate, Amber, Sharon, and Rachel at that point. Megan had left RIGHT before us because she was being stubborn and called an Uber instead of letting Henri the Chauffeur take her home.

I’m really glad that I went, I’m super appreciative of Margie and Sue for planning this to help boost morale and give us all a reason to crawl out of our holes and interact outside of Jabber. Also, this was the first time I have Joy IRL and not via WebEx video since before the pandemic!

I will admit that we had a events committee who tried very hard to get people to engage socially during the pandemic, but it was all virtual, obviously, and let’s be real: I’m not trying to log back on after work hours to play trivia on WebEx. I don’t care if there are prizes. Once I log off, I’m done until morning! No offense to the people who were on that team, I give them a lot of credit for trying to come up with new and creative ways to get people to talk to each other. But even though it might sometimes be a drag for me to leave the house initially, I definitely prefer IN REAL LIFE social engagements like this one!

Piggy-backing off my last post, here is the goddamn ice cream cake that ruined my Sunday when JOHN from Baskin Robbins left his half-hearted voice mail telling me that there would NO CLOWN CAKE FOR ME THAT DAY. I’m glad we went with it and just waited the extra day though because it really was so fucking cute and also hilarious to watch Chooch roll his eyes when he saw it.

“So, really this was all about you. If you would have just got the cake from Dairy Queen like I asked—” Chooch started, but I cut him off to tell him that sure DQ is great but they don’t have a fucking adorable CLOWN CAKE.

“Yeah, again, this was all about YOU and what YOU wanted,” he said.

“You mean, what I wanted FOR YOU,” I corrected.

“Mm,” he grunted, but c’mon, he loved it. WHO WOULDN’T LOVE A CLOWN CAKE (other than the billions of people who hate clowns)?!

Henry’s clumsy meat-fists smudged the “Riley!” on the first chocolate message board. Good job, asshole! The second one says “Cool. Mm.” as an homage to his irritating signature text response to basically everything I send him and the worst part – THE WORST PART – is that he learned this from me. Sit down, Taylor – I’m the problem.

He claims he wasn’t “admiring” it, but rather inspecting the various scoops which the BR website bills as “the store’s most popular flavors.” I guess that’s how they get away with not leaving it up to the whim of the customer. “No, we can’t use your scoop preference because it goes against what the store has deemed its most popular and why would you want anything less than the MOST popular?”

And here he is disputing the alleged “most popular” flavors because he worked at a Dunkin/BR for THREE MTHS you guys, long enough to run the data. I will say that the first cone I grabbed had some REALLY SWEET raspberry type of flavor that was not great so maybe Chooch is on to something. What if half is the most popular and the other half is comprised of the underdog flavs that they need to get rid of.

THE NOSES WERE FROZEN MARASCINO CHERRIES. Also, this flavor was butter pecan and I have to believe that this is a top flavor. I looooove butter pecan (and pralines and cream!).

Chooch refused to pose for a good picture so this is what he gets. Also, Henry’s fashion is…something else.

This is also how he looks at me every morning when I try to start riveting conversations with him and his pal Zakk on the drive to school.

Janna came over to celebrate the jerk! What she didn’t know was that he had big plans for us to play Trivial Pursuit. Henry was like, “THANKS, I’M GOOD” and retreated to the basement, but Janna was trapped. Chooch and I immediately ganged up on her and board game-bullied her mercilessly until the very end when we turned on each other. First of all, I was cheating bigly every time it was my turn to roll and I kept saying, “Well, you read the rules, Janna, and I’m pretty sure this is correct” but then when she tried doing it, Chooch and I were unanimous in that, “No, we’re not doing that anymore, Janna. You have to go back.”

My favorite moment (OK second favorite) was when I read this question to Janna, something about how do you measure an earthquake, and she kept saying, “Oh man, it’s on the tip of my tongue. I can’t think! It’s….you know, the ‘something’ on a richter scale, ugh what is it??” and she just kept saying this over and over in different variations, looking for something that had to do with the richter scale. “The….hertz? Ugh, I don’t know!”

“It was Richter Scale,” I said, putting the card in the discard pile.

“I said that!” she yelled.

“Mmm, not in the right context, though,” I shrugged. And Chooch agreed.

Have you ever played games with me? Now imagine playing with me AND Chooch. It’s basically like if the Mad Hatter and March Hare had a game night instead of a tea party.

So, what I’m saying is…

POOR

JANNA

Anyway!! Once it became clear that I had a good chance of winning, Chooch suddenly switched allegiances and conferred with Janna to win-block me.

“Ooh, this one! This one!” Chooch hissed, and Janna laughed conspiratorially. They were SO SURE they got me, guys.

The question was, ‘What’s the good kind of cholesterol?”

Oh, did I sock the smugness off their faces the moment I screamed, with NO HESITATION, “HDL!!!!!”

“Goddammit,” Janna sighed, and Chooch cried, “SERIOUSLY??”

Yo. I take the Wellness exam every year at work, since 2012? 2013? I am OBSESSED with my numbers, and I legit have been known to brag about my HDL.

I ran down into the basement to excitedly huff, “Henry guess what I won!” and he muttered, “Yeah, I know. I heard.”

LOL.

Anyway, that’s how Chooch spent his belated birthday celebration that he didn’t want to have but then agreed that we could have cake with Janna and that was it. No hoopla. No ‘happy bday’ singing. NO FUN FOR MOMMY.

Then I spent literally the next two hours making Janna watch NCT stuff. What a great birthday party for me! Janna was able to name two NCT members – Mark and Johnny – and was really proud of herself but she couldn’t even remember the name of the bias she picked last year!!

(IT’S TAEIL BTW.)