#4: Don’t Call My Friends “Purse Boy”

 blogathon 2010
Jul 312010
 

When I was a senior in high school, there was a boy named Dan a few grades below me who got harassed and harangued on the daily for carrying a purse to school. It was sort of an odd contrast, considering he was always wearing Anal Cunt and Cannibal Corpse shirts, but I always felt so bad for him. There was one boy in particular who seemed to have been the ringleader in the witch hunt for Dan. He got most of the school to call Dan “Purse Boy” and basically made his days hellacious.

I’ve always been a sucker for the outcasts, so I took it upon myself to give Hell right back to this kid, whose name I won’t mention but I will say he looked like Edward Scissorhands, was short and drove a big truck. Actually, a lot of it was that I liked confrontations and it gave me a reason to get all aggressive with this guy whose mere presence in my school rubbed me the wrong way.

One night, this kid happened to be at Denny’s at the same time I was there with my boyfriend at the time, Psycho Mike, and our friend Jon. The kid was sitting at one of the round booths, acting like the King he thought himself to be, and I marched right over and said, “Get outside, we need to talk.

” He laughed at first, but then I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and he followed willingly, because how dare I attempt to stretch out his precious shirt.

We had words. Jon stepped in at one point and made some threats too, which was funny because Jon was this big 6’4″ guy sneering down upon this little Goth kid.

Anyway, it must have worked because Dan was never called “Purse Boy” again; at least not to his face.

I ran into him at the Rib Fest the summer of 1998 and he thanked me for that. (I was at the Rib Fest to see BAD COMPANY, hahaha.

)

And then ironically, Jon and I wound up becoming good friends with the little Edward Scissorhands. I actually miss that guy.

After all of that, I still named this photo “purseboy” when I scanned it.

#3 Night Train, and Why You Can Call Me That

 blogathon 2010
Jul 312010
 

When I started my current job at The Law Firm back in April, there was a little discussion about what to call me. There’s already an Erin there, plus an Aaron, whom they call “A-ron” to avoid confusion with the girl one. But now that there was going to be another girl Erin, it was clear that I was going to need a nickname.

Night Erin was quickly decided upon since I work evenings (in a LAW FIRM, Chooch; not the strip club) and I was like, “Well, that’s better than when I worked at Weiss Meats and was known as The Girl for four years.”

There’s one analyst there who, unfailingly, pauses next to my desk and says, “Hello….Night Erin” in this very overly dramatic, husky tone. And then she laughs maniacally like it’s the first time. Her name is Trish.

I had already been there about a week or two before finally meeting Wendy. She had other ideas for my name. Literally right after we were introduced to each other, she goes, “I think we should call you NightTrain,” and then launched into this tale of her hometown and how everyone called the town drunk “Night Train.”

“So you’re naming me after the town drunk,” I repeated, making sure I got this right.

Wendy laughed and nodded.

“I like it,” I said, after considering it. Unfortunately, Night Erin had already started stick, so only those privy to Wendy’s story continued to call me Night Train.

One day a few weeks ago, my boss had caught wind of Wendy’s term of endearment for me and was standing near my desk, talking about it loudly and laughing. “Only Wendy could get away with calling someone that and having them NOT be offended.” It’s true – Wendy might be the happiest person I’ve ever met. Somehow she was able to slap me with an unsavory nickname shared with a fucking sauced hobo and I found myself flattered.

One evening, my boss was yelling, “Night Train’s here!” and Trish, who was walking back to her office, stopped dead in her tracks. “Did you just call her Night Train?” When my boss confirmed, Trish went on to say, “Why in the world would you call her that?” She seemed genuinely concerned about it. “You do know that Night Train is the cheapest liquor money can buy?”

Just another reason to love my new name.

#2: Henry gets a stripper

 blogathon 2010, Henrying
Jul 312010
 

We’re in a typical disorganized frenzy to enroll Chooch into pre-school. Naturally, like any good parents, we can’t find his birth certificate so Henry was sitting in a pile of personal affects yesterday, hoping to find it. And to not get bit by something living amidst the relics.

Chooch was “helping,” as he does so well. Suddenly, he comes running into the living room where I’m sitting on the couch and shouts, “HAHAHA, LOOK WHAT I FOUND!” And then, “LOOK HOW BIG MOMMY’S BOOBS ARE!” and somehow I knew what it was going to be. I just knew.

And then I saw the flimsy purple plastic photo album in his hand and my fears were confirmed. Before I could steal it from him, he had flipped to the page he wanted me to see and held up, covering his mouth with his other hand and laughing.

Pictures from Henry’s 30th birthday party in 1945.

Pictures from Henry’s 30th birthday party in 1945 WHEN HE HAD A STRIPPER GRINDING ON HIS LAP.

Snatching it from his hand, I shouted, “This is not me!

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This is a STRIPPER!”

“No it’s not,” he chided. “It’s YOU!”

Maybe I might have been flattered if it was some hot piece of 20-year-old ass, but this broad looked past her prime, not to mention I’m pretty positive she was a Steve at some point in her life.

Besides, had this been me, I would have been SIXTEEN. I mean, I had a rough childhood, but it wasn’t bad enough to send me gyrating against poles and the laps of moustacioed creepers.

I was going to wait until later to post these  great retrosexual photos of Henry but I want to humiliate him while he’s still in the house. He’ll probably go AWOL here soon, because it’s Blogathon and he fears Blogathon Erin.

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She actually looks somewhat hot here. Like Kristen Bell a little! Must have been a good angle.

This is my favorite! What a fucking loser. “Oh mama, there is a female ASS in my face right now!

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HOOOOO BOY!” I bet he called all his old SERVICE friends to tell them about it. “And this time, I didn’t have to pay for it! Someone ELSE did!”

Seriously, I’m not convinced that’s not a man.

Also, I’m glad I didn’t get “Clean Shaven, Sleazy Henry.” I prefer “Bearded Woodman, Sleazy Henry.”

I bet Henry’s wife had sex with her later.


#1 Blogathon begins & my eyes are bright, etc etc

 blogathon 2010
Jul 312010
 

Good morning! Here is my first entry! Can it be done now?

Boy, have I got a whole lot in store for everyone for the next twenty four hours. A whole lot of nothing. Hopefully I will find a way to scrounge something up, even if it means clipping off Henry’s ballsack and writing about the sound it made.

As you know, or maybe you don’t know, I’m doing this 24-hour blogging thing to raise money for the Greater New Orleans Foundation’s Oil Spill Relief Fund.

This money is not for me! It never touches my hands. You won’t see me pulling up to the soup kitchen in a Escalade next week, I promise. To ensure everyone’s trust, I’ve created a page over at razoo.com so I can keep track of the money raised, but the donations go straight to the charity. So far I’ve raised 6 thanks to the kindness of others!

Some of my sponsors have given me laundry lists of chores to complete throughout blogathon. I must include these words somewhere in a post:

  • pterodactyl
  • rannygazoo
  • janiform
  • absquatulate
  • retrosexual
  • craptastic
  • barbiturate
  • schadenfreude

There are some stunts Henry must perform, such as having a baby shoe fall on him, hugging Marcy, cradling a picture of Tom Selleck like a baby, and learning how to do the Percolater, which I just can’t wait to see. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU.

If you’ve sponsored me, don’t forget to send over your requests! You can just leave it here as a comment.

I’ll be taking donations the whole time this is going on, so if you feel particularly inspired, I would love your help! Every little bit counts. The donation page is here:

DONATE NOW!!

(I mean, if you want.)

Hopefully I won’t throw any fits this time around. Keep stopping back and dropping comments! I’ll be here. All day. And all night. Until 9:00am Sunday morning. Fuck.

And oh my god, hopefully Henry and Chooch leave. Like, NOW.

More blogathon pan-handling

 blogathon 2010
Jul 222010
 

Blogathon is only a little more than a week away. I don’t like hounding people (Henry is probably choking on an incredulous laugh right now), which is why I’d make a terrible religious zealot (well, that and the non-believer aspect of my personality too, I guess); but this IS for a good cause. It’s exciting! It’s fun! No, really, it’s excruciating but at least in the end I feel like I’ve polished my humanity a little tiny bit and maybe made a small impact on something bigger than all of us.

So here is the original post again; maybe you want to sponsor me. Maybe you want to stake out a spot in the cheering section. Maybe you even want to participate in Blogathon yourself, which would be fantastic! Maybe you don’t care at all, and that is fine too. (Actually, that sucks, but forcing you to care would be like forcing me to go see Miley Cyrus “live” on stage. I feel ya.)

Thank you so much to the awesome people who have already sponsored me! Don’t forget to claim your incentives! Just drop me a comment or an email: butgavincantdance @ gmail.com

BLOGATHON

It’s that time of year, you guys! Blogathon time!

This year, the masterminds behind the official Blogathon have pulled the plug on it, quite unexpectedly and without explanation. Luckily, there are people out there unlike me who are good at rising to the occasion and taking charge. So there will be an alternate Blogathon after all! It will still take place on Saturday, July 31st, starting at 9:00am EST and ending twenty-four hours from then. The goal is to post every half hour for the entire twenty four hours, no cheating!

I have done this three times in the past and while it is a BEAST to get through, it’s more fun than anything else, and the end result is so rewarding, even for assholes like me. I always want to be able to donate to charities, to do SOMETHING to make a difference, and annoying the Internet for an entire day is a pretty Erin-perfect way to do so.

This year, I have chosen the Greater New Orleans Foundation Oil Spill Relief Fund. Since there is no official Blogathon site to keep track of sponsors, and to give you guys peace of mind, I have created a fundraising page over at Razoo. This way, you can rest easy knowing that if you sponsor me, the money isn’t going to be put in a Wacky Worm collection pot.

As always, there will be incentives!

  • $10 – you give me a word, any word, and I have to use it in an entry
  • $15 – the aforementioned word to be used in an entry, plus the fan favorite: Have Henry Do Ridiculous Things In Front of the Camera
  • $20 – all of the above, plus I’ll prank call someone for you
  • $30 – all of the above, plus one of my Somnambulant pendants (if you’re a dude, I will just paint something for you if you prefer)
  • anything greater than this, you get it ALL plus I will interview you on my blog. That’s >30 seconds of fame right there!

And remember – if you can’t donate at this time but would still like to help me, please remember to check back here on Saturday July 31st and leave me cheerleading-worthy comments! And tell your friends and family! Or, if you don’t have friends and family, tell your cell mate, parole officer, interpreter.

If you would like to sponsor me, please visit my Razoo fundraising page!

To get a taste of what Blogathon is like ’round these parts, feel free to check out the archive from last year. It’s um, a real treat. For everyone involved. Right, Henry? (For the record, Henry said he’s moving out for Blogathon.)

Blogathon 2010!

 blogathon 2010
Jul 142010
 

BLOGATHON

It’s that time of year, you guys! Blogathon time!

This year, the masterminds behind the official Blogathon have pulled the plug on it, quite unexpectedly and without explanation. Luckily, there are people out there unlike me who are good at rising to the occasion and taking charge. So there will be an alternate Blogathon after all! It will still take place on Saturday, July 31st, starting at 9:00am EST and ending twenty-four hours from then. The goal is to every half hour for the entire twenty four hours, no cheating!

I have done this three times in the past and while it is a BEAST to get through, it’s more fun than anything else, and the end result is so rewarding, even for assholes like me. I always want to be able to donate to charities, to do SOMETHING to make a difference, and annoying the Internet for an entire day is a pretty Erin-perfect way to do so.

This year, I have chosen the Greater New Orleans Foundation Oil Spill Relief Fund. Since there is no official Blogathon site to keep track of sponsors, and to give you guys peace of mind, I have created a fundraising page over at Razoo. This way, you can rest easy knowing that if you sponsor me, the money isn’t going to be put in a Wacky Worm collection pot.

As always, there will be incentives!

  • $10 – you give me a word, any word, and I have to use it in an entry
  • $15 – the aforementioned word to be used in an entry, plus the fan favorite: Have Henry Do Ridiculous Things In Front of the Camera
  • $20 – all of the above, plus I’ll prank call someone for you
  • $30 – all of the above, plus one of my Somnambulant pendants (if you’re a dude, I will just paint something for you if you prefer)
  • anything greater than this, you get it ALL plus I will interview you on my blog. That’s >30 seconds of fame right there!

And remember – if you can’t donate at this time but would still like to help me, please remember to check back here on Saturday July 31st and leave me cheerleading-worthy comments! And tell your friends and family! Or, if you don’t have friends and family, tell your cell mate, parole officer, interpreter.

If you would like to sponsor me, please visit my Razoo fundraising page!

To get a taste of what Blogathon is like ’round these parts, feel free to check out the archive from last year. It’s um, a real treat. For everyone involved. Right, Henry? (For the record, Henry said he’s moving out for Blogathon.)

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