This past week has somehow flown by even though it was pretty hectic and chaotic at work. But, I made it without any breakdowns and to reward myself, I will….exercise and write in my blog.

Wow. Livin’ large.

Since I’m mentally drained though, let’s just look at pictures from my phone from the last week+ plus whatever I deem newsworthy. (I know, I know, isn’t everything in my life newsworthy?!)

Oh and if you came here expecting an update on my NEIGHBORHOOD VIGILANTE PROJECT, forget it—those Pittsburgh cops are dicks and still haven’t replied to my email.

1. Neighborhood Shakeup

A few months ago, new people moved in next to HNC&Co. You might remember that I hated the previous occupants because they never said hello to me and the husband took up the whole back driveway with all of his broken cars that he fixed in a perpetual loop. An older broad replaced that family and while she hasn’t really stirred the pot much, her son IS A FUCKING DICKHOLE. First of all, he used to park a DUMPTRUCK at the top of the driveway, which is shared by four families (two duplexes, it runs down the middle and all four garages face it). Now, this doesn’t affect Henry and me because we park in a lot across the street, but HNC and his wife have several cars down there, which were constantly getting blocked in. And Haley likes to briefly park at the top of the driveway when she comes home from the store because she has two kids ages 2 and below that she needs to get in the house, so she was going to leave a note on his dumptruck but Blake talked her out of it.

In addition to the dumptruck, this kid also has a horrible temper, a megaphone mouth, and a large fleshy backside that he LOVES TO SHOW. Honestly, I’ve seen his ass crack enough times that it helped me lose weight maybe even more than Jillian Michaels.

Eventually, the dumptruck disappeared, but he’s still over there screaming his face off in the front yard when he gets locked out of the house. Now he has some kind of Blazer, which he also keeps parked in top of the driveway. One day last week, I was upstairs after work and he was outside hollering like a derelict and I HAD HAD A BAD DAY AND JUST WANTED TO COME HOME, DRINK A CUP OF COFFEE IN QUIET, EAT MY FUCKING DINNER, AND EXERCISE. But now I had to listen to this caveboy yelling in his front yard so I came stomping downstairs, whipped open the front door and started yelling over my shoulder at Henry about how this kid was such a psycho asshole because I cook all my Beefs on a passive-aggressive setting. Psycho Asshole was lurching back to his Blazer-thing with long Yedi-like strides, barking indecipherable threats at me, so I slammed the door and Henry was like, “Great, now he’s going to kill us all.”

A few days later, HNC texted Henry a picture of Psycho Asshole’s Blazer. HNC DUCT-TAPED A WARNING ON IT that said “STOP BLOCKING THE DRIVEWAY” and advised Henry to let him know if he continued to park there when HNC wasn’t there. Great, now that kid might think it was me since we just made hateful eye contact a few days prior.

Anyway, HNC calls him “Baby Huey” which kills me and said that Baby Huey’s mom said he has “anger issues.” YEAH NO SHIT. But, apparently they’re moving at the end of the month so I’m really happy about this and now Janna wants to try to move in there but I told her to wait because Blake and Haley are apparently moving soon too and I just want to die because they have been the best neighbors I’ve ever had, wahhhhh.

So, that’s my neighborhood update that you never asked for.

2. SURPRISE MAIL!

One day last week, Henry received a package and the above text exchange ensued.

Dude is constantly getting packages in the mail and it’s always dumb shit like ink for the printer or envelopes for our card shop.

But then a few days later, I was working from home when a package arrived that was actually for me!

Maya got me a burrito blanket! I really wanted one of these too! I actually sent Henry the link a few months ago and said, “Buy this for me” but of course he didn’t – I should have said, “Buy this for Blake” and then he probably would have.

I was born to be a cat chaise. 

3. One of My Purest Pleasures In Life…

…is getting into bed at night with a sheet mask on my face and then when it’s time to take it off, slapping it across Sleeping Henry’s bare back, or sometimes his face depending on how I feel. He only wakes up sometimes.

Chooch recently got into sheet masking so maybe I should clue him into the secret final step of sheet masks.

4. SONG OF THE DAY

Monsta X released a new song today, a collab with French Montana, and at first I was leery because all of these collabs with western artists never seem to add anything magical to the songs, but I am so happy to report that this one WORKS. But my favorite part is that it gives off STRONG Charlie Puth vibes. You know how much I love Charlie Puth – sometimes when I’m working from home, I play “Attention” on repeat real loud, reminding the neighborhood that I sometimes listen to things other than Kpop.

(Chooch just called out from the other room, “Is this the new Monsta X song? It doesn’t even sound like Kpop. It sounds like…The Weeknd.”)

We had Father’s Day dinner at an Indian restaurant because Chooch is obsessed with Indian food now and if his obsessions are anything like my obsessions, we’ll probably be going to India one day soon. Also, he criticized Henry throughout the entire meal. On Father’s Day. 

5. Summer Breakfast Club: Guest Clubber Edition!

Kara and her crew, Harland & Theo, joined Chooch and me for breakfast yesterday at Pamela’s and it was awesome! It’s been a hot minute since we all got to hang out together and we had a great time.

I really love Summer Breakfast Club because Chooch is always running around during the summer and I barely see him so it’s nice to have something that both of us enjoy doing (eating breakfast, I guess). We always walk to breakfast so it gives us time to have good talks (usually making fun of Henry and/or Korea memories) while getting in some morning exercise and just good, old fashioned quality time. Plus, it’s something that Henry’s not a part of so I feel smug about that because my end game is obviously to always be the favored parent, come on now.

It’s nice to have a morning once a week where we can sit down and bullshit over food (on this day it was an omelet that had an egg shell in it, so that was cool) before I have to log on and start working from home.

I proposed to Chooch on our nightly walk down the Blvd tonight that we eat at THE NO NAME CAFE next week for SBC, because that’s where Psycho Asshole’s MOM WORKS – we actually saw her in there when we walked past and Chooch went, “Why is she sitting on the other side of the counter?” and I was like, “Uh because she works there?” and he acted all surprised which goes to show you how well he listens to me because I have fucking told him this before and also I wrote about it once on here, so way to read Mom’s blog, asshole! Anyway, Chooch thought that this was a terrible idea but I think I talked him into it, so next week’s breakfast should be a real adventure. I’M GOING TO TALK TO THAT LADY.

Ok, well, that’s five things. Well, four things and a video.

Wowie wow wow it’s Friday and here are five things + random pictures from my phone because it’s Friday Fiveday or whatever.

I can only wear this pin on Chooch’s denim vest because it’s so heavy that it pulls down whatever shirt I pin it to!

Scottish Chai

The other day, I went to Crazy Mocha and a new guy was working which was a blessing because the one broad who works there (but doesn’t seem to ever be making any of the drinks?) is really nice but she is a HANDFUL. Just a non-stop chatter. My friend Alyson often refers to this mindless need to small talk as “air displacement” and this is the perfect example of it. She has held me hostage on so many occasions, and like I said – NICE GIRL, RULL NICE GIRL – but can you just let the quiet barista man make my chai latte in peace? Yikes. Anyway, she wasn’t there on Wednesday but this new guy was and I was kind of nervous at first because he seemed like he could go either way – nice, or super callous hipster. And when he hit me with a Scottish accent, I was really caught off guard to the point where I couldn’t tell if he was fucking around, like he drew the “Talk in a fake accent” card and thought I looked stupid enough to fall for it. Well, nice try buddy, because I am like one rung below schizophrenic-level paranoia and I question everything. Honestly, Henry and I were leaving CVS one night and a car full of rowdy teenagers were screaming out the window at a red light and I cried, “ARE THEY MAKING FUN OF ME? ARE THEY SAYING I’M FAT?” and Henry was like, “…they’re singing.” ANYWAY!

This guy may have actually been Scottish, who knows. He did say that he liked my necklace, which was the glass globe full of sea glass from Busan! So that scored him points. Also, it seemed like he was making my chai latte with utmost care and precision – real slow, with the cup tilted as he swirled in the soy milk. It was a delight to watch his methods, and maybe one of the best chai lattes I’ve ever been served, though I do have to say that the chai lattes at Crazy Mocha in general are some of the best I’ve ever had and have honestly spoiled me to the rest. I 100% threw one away from another cafe because it only took one sip to realize that use that chai mix that comes out of a carton and I hate that. Talk about first world problems, amirite. Crazy Mocha uses a chai powder and it makes all the difference in the world.

And when the guy told me to enjoy my day in his joyful Scottish lilt, I was like, “THANK YOU, I THINK I JUST MIGHT.”

This child, forever blocking the subtitles. 

Erin’s Bus Stop Plan

There is this one stretch of sidewalk downtown that absolutely drives me nuts (actually, Crazy Mocha is on part of it) because it’s a super poppin’ bus stop but the people who stand there are like the dregs of the earth, I’m really sorry to say that but it is trash of all sizes and colors. Today, I saw an overweight white trash lady in a REALLY SHORT DRESS leaning over a stroller and screaming in her baby’s face in a way that she I’m sure felt was lovingly but to the rest of us it was white trash acrylics scratching the side of a rusted trailer. While she was doing this, her dress was unable to cover her ass and she was fully exposed to all of Liberty Avenue, and her legs…those bare legs…I will never be able to get them out of mind. I was on the phone with Henry when this scene unfolded and it made me lose my train of thought and I just kept stuttering and Henry was like, “Did you get hugged by a stranger again?” – just kidding, he didn’t say that because he never remembers any of the horrible things that happen to me when he lets me walk around downtown alone.

And now that the sidewalks of downtown have officially thawed out, “urban campsite” is back up and running. It is the most absurd thing – just a bunch of weird and I do mean weird people who set up lawn chairs and loiter amidst two liter bottles of Mountain Dew and bags of cheese curls under a blanket of pot smoke AND NO ONE THINKS THIS IS A NUISANCE.

I just can’t stand it but it’s usually the most convenient route back to my office depending on where my lunch breaks adventures have taken me so it gets really frustrating when I have to bob and weave around these derelicts and their pee stenches.

So I came up with a plan.

First, I was going to write to the mayor.

Then, I thought: Fuck it, I’ll just BE THE MAYOR. So after that happens, I’m going to put my Liberty Ave Clean Up plan in effect which will start with digging a pit beneath the sidewalk to put the bus stop so that these rude fucks can stay underground.

Honestly, the amount of times I’ve nearly been spit on walking down that block is insane.

“How will they get on the bus then?” Henry aka Devils Advocate asked.

“Oh, I’ll have a pipe that just sucks them up right into the bus,” I said in my “le duh” tone and Henry gave me the “Yeah great plan” eye roll.

Margie was on board though. “Oh, the Termite Plan!” she said excitedly after I told her at work. Looks like I already have one vote for when I run!

Chooch found a bunch of shit from when he went to preschool and kindergarten at the shitty catholic school across the street and we had some big laughs at the (bad) memories.

Work Pride

I don’t usually write about where I work aside from funny conversations or whatever that I have with coworkers, but I have to break that rule today because I’m really happy to work there. The Human Rights Campaign compiled a list of corporations that have a top score of 100 percent and the distinction of “Best Places to Work for LGBTQ Equality” and my firm was on the list. Yesssssss.

My work place really goes hard for Pride and it makes me, well, proud to work there. It’s really a great thing to know that in a world full of so much hate, I get to go to work everyday at a place where everyone is accepted and safe to be themselves, and they also do a lot of LGBTQ pro bono work which is amazing.

Today, rainbow sugar cookies and pins were provided on every floor, and the firm is going to have a contingent walking in the parade this weekend. Today was one of those “feel good” days that I think a lot of us needed. <3

Plus, YALL KNOW I’m a pin freak.

 The one where Ted goes to Jail

Guyzzzz remember how my old neighbor “Ted” lied to Chooch and me about his identity and then got his house (aka the other side of our duplex) raided by the popo? Well, there was an update on his case a few weeks ago and looks like he’s going to be sentenced even though his bitch ass girlfriend FRAMED HIM I JUST KNOW IT.

Henry made the mistake of telling me that Blake and Haley might be moving and I had a straight up panic attack thinking about what assholes our landlord could potentially fill that house with again. After what feels like a million years of living next to one criminal neighbor after another, having Blake and Haley next door has been a fucking godsend and if they move, I’m moving too.

NCT – Highway to Heaven

Gotta end this edition of Friday Five with a feel-good fam-jam. You guys know I love NCT127 but they’ve been gradually climbing to the upper echelon of faves. I have so many regertz for missing out on their North American tour – we were going to try and get tickets for the Toronto show but they changed the date and with our vacation coming up in July, we’re really trying not to have to take any more time off work. Well, Henry is. I always reach a point in late fall where I have to start taking random days off so I don’t lose them (we can only roll over so many or cash them in).

Anyway, NCT is one of those groups where I can put on one MV and just let a five hour long loop of NCT goodness play in the background – especially if it’s their variety show appearances because their personalities are larger than life and they entertain me to no end—even Henry will get sucked in and I’ll catch him chuckling him to himself, haha. He still won’t pick a bias though so I think I’m going to choose Jungwoo for him. Haechan is mine <3.

They just released a new album last week and this one song, “Highway to Heaven,” is SO DAMN GOOD. It’s been on a loop in my head since I first heard it and I think it’s definitely going to be a summer jam. It just has such a feel good vibe to it, and I love that the MV showcases each of them individually. The 2:23 mark where Haechan comes in makes SO STOKED FOR LIFE. This is going to be my go-to song for a while for whenever I’m feeling like I just can’t get out of bed.

This child, forever blocking the subtitles.

It’s Friday, you guys, which means I’m that closer to the next amusement park trip! However you have to get through the work week, amirite?

Anyway, here’s some stuff – well, five to be exact since it’s FRIDAY – that went down this week. Can’t promise it’s going to be exciting or informative, but I’ll throw in some photos that may or may not enhance the narrative.

1. RING THE BELL

Not a shocking secret about me but I live across the street from a church and I don’t ever remember the church bells ever ringing but suddenly, for the last several weeks, the church bells have awoken and are here to fucking announce every goddamn hour of the day from 8am to 9pm and it is fucking obnoxious, this relentless throbbing-tinny hourly countdown. I don’t know if they got a new priest over there who was like “Well shoot y’all this church has got BELLS? Let’s dust those Heaven-horns off!” I’d like for him to dust the NOVELTY off because this shit is wack and after last Sunday, I can’t hear them ding-donging without bracing for a dragon to come forth and torch my town.

I’m going to report this for a noise violation or whatever you call it.

Random picture that Henry found on his phone from the trick eye museum in Korea. 

2. Happy Broken Family

You guys know how Henry’s son Blake and his fam live right next door to us? Well, you can imagine how often Chooch is flitting back and forth between the two houses—he is obsessed with his big brother Blake. Well, yesterday he came back in the house and said, “Something weird happened. The shirtless Italian guy with the dog who lives next to Blake saw me coming out of Blake’s house and said, ‘So is that uh…..um….your….uncle?’ and I said, ‘No, it’s my brother’s house’ and he said, ‘Oh, and your other dad lives next door?’ I said yes, but thought it was weird that he called you my ‘other dad,'” Chooch said to Henry with a shrug.

I thought this was unusual as well, but then Henry said, “He probably thought you were talking about Calvin when you said it was your brother’s house.” Calvin is Blake’s son, Chooch’s nephew. So he thinks Blake is Chooch’s dad! I AM FUCKING DYING AT THE THOUGHT OF THIS, Chooch having “both dads” living right next door to each other!

This morning when I left for work, Calvin was at the window playing with his cars so I was waving to him when I noticed that Italian Guy’s Shirted Brother was outside with the dog, watching me. We waved and said good morning to each other and as soon as I was far enough down the sidewalk, I started laughing all over again because those guys must think , “Wow, those people really get along great for a broken family!”

3. LA ANNUAL STICKING OF LA FINGER

Ugh, why do I put myself through this every year? Oh yeah, for better insurance rates or something, I think? Anyway, my appointment for the wellness screening was at 10:06am on Tuesday, and I had chosen to fast. I was running around the department like a crazy person that morning, crying to everyone who would listen and repeating, “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” over and over. “It’s like Jeffrey Dahmer is running the place,” Glenn said, having already gone up for this screening. “Blood everywhere!” I screamed at him to shut up and I know it was a joke but now I was picturing blood dripping down the windows of the 28th floor and was starting to get that ol’ familiar nervous knee-knocking.

Finally, Amber saw me cowering at my desk when she was en route to her appointment, which was about 40 minutes earlier than mine, and said, “Oh for god’s sake, just go up with me now” YES, LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH.

I was so spastic that I was actually trying to pull the pen out of the lady’s hand while she was using it to point out the spots I needed to fill in on the consent form. Like, I was aware that I was doing it and it was coming across as super rude, but I literally could not let go of the pen. It was so embarrassing. What is wrong with me.

DON’T ANSWER THAT.

First, some broad called me over to weigh me and measure my waist, etc. I was like, “IS THAT AN OK NUMBER??” about my waist size and she said, “Yes, all your numbers are good!” So that made me feel better. Then she was having a coughing fit and trying to talk to me about it but I was like, “Look, this is about me and my numbers,  not your damn windpipe, alright.”

She sent me back to the fake triage area and I was supposed to be the next person to get called back for the actual fingerstick portion of the traveling blood bath, but the next available screener was adamant about taking Amber first even  though Amber tried to defer her spot to me. Turns out,  this was a blessing because the screener I got was A-MAZ-ING. She had two thick bleached strands of hair framing her face, and I could picture her being a total badass in the 70s. She looked at my form and said, “Oh, my birthday is the day after yours! Well, with about a 20 year difference,” she laughed.

“Yeah! Leos are the best!” I exclaimed and we spent nearly the whole time talking about how amazing our zodiac is and I was really on the verge of asking her if she wanted to hang out sometime but thought maybe that would be inappropriate since she was in the process of stroking blood out of the pad of my middle finger.

Guess what you guys?! This was the best screening I’ve had to date.

“All of my numbers are in the ‘desirable’ range!” I bragged to Henry via Kakao.

“That’s good,” he replied and I was annoyed that he didn’t seem more stoked about this. He didn’t even use any emojis!!!

That’s fine, I guess I’ll just take my hotly desired blood elsewhere.

4. CHOOCH THE RUTHLESS

Call me old fashioned, but I’m a firm believer in the dying art of sending thank you cards. YES, SOMETIMES I FORGET TO DO THIS MYSELF, because life is a trainwreck sometimes, but I thought it would be nice for Chooch to send Thank Yous to the people who came to his recent birthday dinner in order to teach him some etiquette (meanwhile Henry’s over there desperately trying to teach him to use double negatives).

The thing with Chooch is that he may be naturally brilliant in so many things, but when it comes to shit like correspondence, he has no clue. He will put his own name on the envelopes of cards being given to other people! HE DID THAT TO MY MOTHER’S DAY CARD….

LAST YEAR!

Anyway, I noticed that he was writing all of his messages on the left side of the card, leaving the main side all blank and weird-looking. So I suggested, in a nice, non-pageant-mom-y way, that perhaps he could draw a picture on the sides that he left blank, so they would look less weird. So of course he drew a clown on Haley’s and Wendy’s because they hate clowns (Wendy’s also featured Meghan Trainor) and then for Janna’s, after insulting her on one side, he drew a picture of her mom beating her and this is funny because we have this joke all the back from 2014 where Janna’s mom beat her for using her car when she went to Nemacolin Castle with Corey and me. Her mom originally said she could use the car, but then forgot about it I guess because once we arrived at the castle for the tour, her mom called and was like WHERE IS MY CAR and Janna was like MOM, YOU SAID and Corey and I were AW SHIT, JANNA’S GON’ GET IT! But Janna insisted that everything was fine once she hung up with her mom.

Later that night when we went back to Janna’s to get our cars, Corey joked that if we waited long enough, maybe we would see the silhouette of Janna getting whipped by her mom and Henry to this day still doesn’t think this is a funny story but Corey and I would cry-laugh every time it came up.

Uh, anyway, this card was a nice homage to old times.

5. JANNA’S BIG DEAL BIRTHDAY

I took Janna out to dinner for her birthday on Wednesday. She originally said she wanted to go somewhere with good desserts so I was like, “Maybe something Italian then?” and she was like “I COULD DO ITALIAN” so then I spent ALL THIS TIME on that app that I loathe (#UghYelp) only for her to suggest The Abbey hours later. THE ABBEY IS NOT ITALIAN. But I wasn’t mad though because that let me off the hook of searching for the perfect birthday dinner venue which I am not great at because we all know I’m such a megalomaniac (see above re: LEOS RULE).

Then Janna wanted to sit outside and I was like “Ugh fine it’s your birthday” but I am not a fresco diner! I prefer sitting inside almost always, especially at The Abbey because it’s an old funeral home! Instead, I did what any mature girl would do and pouted and whined about being cold and then said NO FORGET IT every time Janna offered to lend me her sweater. I am a great dinner companion.

I got the vegan mushroom and spinach ravioli and seitan meatballs and I have to say, the ravioli were FANTASTICO but I have had better-prepared seitan in my travels. It was OK – I liked that it was almond-encrusted but it was very tough and even though the almonds tasted good, it made the whole thing extremely dry. Another annoyance was that my salted lemon tart was so fucking small that I actually thought it was a mistake. It was $6!! And the size of a shot glass! I AM A CHEAP PERSON AND ALSO A FOREVER FAT WHO WANTS BIG DESSERTS.

I mean, it tasted wonderful but I WANTED MORE.

Also, it was really hard to cut through the pastry because it was SO SMALL AND DENSE. I was afraid I was going to send it sailing across the patio with one wrong move of the knife.

Janna got food too.

Afterward, she hung out at my hell house for a few hours and Chooch was in rare form, looking for his wallet while in “meth addict” character and I had ONE BEER at dinner so I was like scream-laughing over this, and kpop videos were blasting on the TV, and Janna was yelling, “Come on, Chooch, stop it!” while Henry quietly sat at the computer and it was a total throwback to high school when I used to have friends over and my brothers would be going batshit with butcher knives and the dogs would be barking and my mom would be quietly laying on the couch watching figure skating, blocking us all out, and it was just a flurry of pandemonium, or as we Kellys called it: “a normal night.”

I had one beer at dinner was so CRUNK (yeah I said it) even by the time we got back to my house that my every movement was exaggerated and amplified, and Henry immediately was like, “Wow you had a beer, I can tell. You always get an attitude when you drink a beer.”

A beer.

That’s me!

Anyway, we made Janna sit through a bunch of Kpop stuff and when the NCT127 appearance on James Corden came on, she asked, “Which one is my bias?” and I said, “Well jeez Janna, NONE OF THEM BECAUSE THIS ISN’T BTS!” (I made her choose a BTS bias a few years ago and she chose Taehyung.)

Yep, just a normal night.

Oh damn, end of the week already. Well, let’s get this Friday Five thang started. I know, I can’t  believe I’m still blogging, either. Stick a fork in it, Erin!

Random “look it’s spring in the city” picture. 

1. WTF Lunch and Apple Slumming

Typing this takes guts, because I’m about to admit something that goes against my every belief. You guys know that I am an apple snob, a forbidden fruit aficionado, a pomme princess, only permitting those designer hybrids to touch my palate…

…but on Wednesday…

I ATE A BASIC RED DELICIOUS.

Literally, the Walmart brand of apples.

And…it was surprisingly OK! Perhaps I’m becoming less apple hipster-ish now that I’m nearing 40, or maybe Red Delicious apples aren’t as 1950s Housewife Vanilla as I remember, or maybe I was just really hungry because we had a meeting that day and boxed lunches were provided, but us handful of vegetarians got a pretty unusual option. I actually thought the veg box I grabbed was an accident, the one defective box in the bunch, but after talking to Maggie–another meat-free department co-worker–I confirmed that our option was actually intentional. In the year 2019, this catering company couldn’t think of anything better to fulfill a vegetarian order than a sandwich roll loaded with one piece of lettuce, a ziplock bag with two tomato slices, and another (leaking) ziplock filled with some weird marinated cauliflower shit that I think was meant to be put inside the bun?! I ate less than half and threw the rest out because WTF was that.

Maggie said she took the lettuce off, saved the bun, and made a PB&J in her office with it after the meeting. Ugh, maybe I should stock up on some Uncrustables for these situations.

Seeing that I wasn’t eating my sandwich, Todd tried to offer me his apple but he had a GREEN ONE and I was like, “EW TODD ARE YOU KIDDING ME I DON’T EAT GREEN APPLES!” Ugh! Nice try.

So yeah, that Red Delicious that I was given in my lunch box was a welcome source of sustenance at that point! I forgot how OK-tasting those classic fruit-balls really are.

Meanwhile, Lauren was sitting next to me and her choice was like, roast beef or something and that sandwich was fucking LOADED.

I sound like a bitchbaby, but I’m really appreciative that there even WAS an option provided for us veg-lifers, but come on, catering people. It’s 2019! Surely not all of your clientele eats meat. Do better!

2. Still Crying Over Jonghyun

I mentioned earlier this week that it was the late Jonghyun’s birthday.  I wore some of my Jonghyun memorial pins on Monday in his honor and tried hard to just be a nice person to everyone I encountered (with the exception of Henry, haha) all week, even strangers on the street. I even tried real hard not to scowl at the abortion protesters who have set up shop again in front of Planned Parenthood.

I was doing OK until last night. I kept seeing this “Classical Musicians React to Jonghyun” in my YouTube feed but I kept scrolling past because I knew it would upset me. But then after Henry went to bed last night, I ended up putting it on because I’m a glutton, and before I knew it, I was straight sobbing. And not just “fake Instagram crying” but like, full-body weeping, entire face wet, choking on eye-spit, violent nose-blowing, now-my-stomach-hurts C-R-Y-I-N-G. Not only were they saying really complimentary things about Jonghyun as an artist, musician, vocalist, and lyricist, they were genuinely moved and some were visibly overcome with emotion. They talked about how it’s a shame that he left the world so soon, but how lucky we are that he gave us so much of himself.

When Jonghyun died, it hit me harder than when I lost any other celebrity or musician I loved, and it felt even more shocking than when Bowie or Prince died. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I felt very emotionally-connected to this one and it affected me on what feels like an extremely personal and intimate level. Maybe it’s because Kpop idols in general let people into their lives more than most, what with all the fan events, reality shows, and variety appearances they make. It makes it feel like we know them as people, we see their personalities and their know their quirks–granted, I know that a lot of this is for show and they still have their private versions of themselves, but I can’t deny that I feel like I know a lot of these idols on a deeper level than any Western artist, for better or worse.

So, even though it’s been a year and a half since his passing, it still feels so raw. I woke Henry up last night and buried my tear-soaked face into his chest and he just murmured, “Why do you do this to yourself?”

“I feel like my whole entire body is one gigantic heart AND IT’S BROKEN,” I wailed, and then I threw away my sorrow-streaked contacts and passed out.

Anyway, that reaction video was really great and you should watch it.

You should also watch this wonderful live performance of Tell Me What To Do because Jonghyun was still alive then and Taemin is wearing a see-through shirt:

3. Props To My Non-Secret Son Not-Named Clive

I mentioned in another post recently that Chooch was chosen as Student of the Month at the Teen Center and he got to choose the dinner menu (isn’t it awesome that they feed the kids there?!). He asked for tteokbokki but they went above and beyond and planned an entire Korean night! He texted me this picture on Wednesday:

I freaking love the Teen Center, you guys. Almost so much that I’d consider donating household junk to be used for craft projects, or volunteering….Henry.

Additionally, he came home from school today with his A-filled report card! I try not to be that mom who brags about her kid all the time (and trust me, he’s not perfect!) but man, sometimes I feel spoiled because as far as his school-work and grades go, Henry and I are able to be pretty hands-off. He just naturally knows what he needs to do and he gets that shit done on his own, PRAISE BE. Helicopter-parenting is not my style, so thank you Chooch!

Oh wait, one more Chooch update – he’s been binge’ing Jane the Virgin and now he says “Oh my god” exactly like Jane, which is also how my EX-BFF used to say it, so that’s been pretty annoying.

4. Henry’s Fucking Face Instrument

You know those old-timey guys that peddle their music-mobiles down the cobblestone road, tooting all the horns, smashing the cymbals, stroking the washboard, blowing their whistles? It sounds like one of them lives inside Henry’s nose. His nasal bells and whistles get worse with age, I swear. Chooch and I are constantly groaning and complaining about it and then Henry will bark, “FINE I JUST WON’T BREATHE THEN, I GUESS!” and then we’re like, “Yay!” but he always goes on breathing.

At least his beard is growing back so he doesn’t look so much like  a 1950s science teacher now.

5. Current Favorite Kpop Jam!

And no, it’s not the new BTS which just came out today and is good but also kind of underwhelming and features too much English; however, my expectations were pretty low to begin with because it features Halsey and I really don’t like her at all and every time they collab with another American artist, I lose a feather from the Korean wings I made out of the household junk that I could have donated to the Teen Center, BUT maybe I’m maturing and as mentioned above, becoming less hipster-y in my old age, because she actually didn’t bother me! I thought it was well done, and her voice really works well with theirs, and also she didn’t overpower the song or steal any of the limelight like NICKI MINAJ did in the shitty American remix of “Idol,” and it’s weird because I actually like Nicki but she really had no business being on that song at all and added NOTHING to it. In “Boy With Luv,” though, I thought Halsey’s vocals were tasteful and subdued. I approve.

But I digress! My current favorite jam is this real tooth-rotter from a rookie girl group, Everglow. I didn’t pay much attention to it at first but then two of my favorite kpop cardio YouTubers uploaded a routine for it and I was really feeling it.

Then I saw a comment somewhere that said they thought they were saying, “You go to Walmart everyday” and now that’s all I can hear too but it’s still the fucking jam.

OK gotta go, I have two Bon Bon Chocolat workouts with my name on it!

Today’s Friday Five is going to be MEMORIES. Ooh-wee, more insight into my past! Thank god I have such a steel trap up there in my head.

DIRTY JOKES

So this morning, out of nowhere, I had a flashback to my, shit, 7th? 8th birthday? I guess my memory isn’t that great. I didn’t have a party that year because we had just moved into our new house, maybe? And my mom was probably stressed from the move? I know it was that year because our yard didn’t have grass yet and remnants of the construction were still laying around. God, this is so interesting already. OK, I think Christy was probably there, but I remember Spring and Audra for FOR SURE were there because Audra got me some kind of kids soap set or something and MY DAD snickered, “HONEY DID  YOU TELL HER THAT YOU DON’T USE SOAP?” thinking he was SO FUNNY but I was fucking  mortified! I was like, “I DO SO USE SOAP!?” And you know the worst part? THERE IS A VIDEO OF THIS! It’s on a VHS tape somewhere and every so often over the years, it’d get plucked from the pile of HOME VIDEOS and shoved in the VCR to see what was on it, and every single time that scene cued up, my face burned all over again because it was so excruciating to watch, both the shitty Dad Joke and my subsequent reaction. JUST TYPING THIS has me feeling some type of way, and it’s the good.

Maybe Christy wasn’t there after all because I feel like this would be something she’d reference occasionally.

The only good thing about that incident is that I also got a WATCHIMAL and those things were so cool. DID YOU HAVE ONE?

Anyway, I do use soap.

(But I’m really picky and it can only be Dove, Olay, or Caress. Any scent is fine though. I hate soap like Irish Spring and Dial or any other basic soap that Henry buys for himself and Chooch because it makes my skin feel squeaky and I’m sorry, but I’m fine with being quietly clean, I don’t need to be squeaky clean. UGH I JUST GOT CHILLS.)

Scenic Precincts

This one time, for summer vacation, my grandparents and Aunt Sharon took me to Italy and Sicily which was really fun except that we were in Palermo during the time that some mob thing was happening where CARS WERE BEING BLOWN UP BY PIPE BOMBS and like, judges and cops were being targeted? All I know is that I was like 10 and had no fucking idea what any of this meant but everyone on our tour was talking about it and my Pappap made some joke about how we would be fine as long as we didn’t go near any precincts. I asked him what a precinct was and for some reason, when he explained it to me, I still didn’t understand but pretended that I did and then forgot about it until years later when I was watching something and someone mentioned going back to the precinct and it suddenly clicked and then, like 8 years later, my Pappa’s joke made sense to me.

WHY DIDN’T I UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANT, THOUGH?? I swear, I was a smart kid. But I guess smart kids can be dense too, I type as I look at my kid over my shoulder.

This memory brings up a related memory of the time I lived in South Park and was watching Pee Wee’s Big Adventure in my living room with the aforementioned Christy and when Micky said whatever he said about just enjoying the scenery, I asked Christy what scenery meant and I’m sure she explained it to super well because she was (is) a genius, but shit that was too abstract of a term for me to understand, I guess.

(I know what it means now though, don’t worry.)

Oh wait, here: I remembered that I could use that Google thing and I found the Palermo bombing stuff! It happened in July 1992 so I was 12, I guess.

The Sun Roof Incident

#3 is a throwback to one of my favorite memories that I already wrote about once a long time ago but am resharing the link because I have been thinking about my Pappap more than usual lately – no I don’t miss my Pappap, YOU miss my Pappap! *sniff*

So yeah: The Sun Roof Incident

Accidental Greaser

One morning in second grade, I was getting ready for school when I noticed that I had dry patch on my chest, like a mild rash or something, who even knows, if that happened today I would probably have 97 tabs open on my computer, each one highlighting a different terminal disease. In all of my quick-thinking glory, I scooped a glopping heap of Vaseline from the jar and transported it my hand-hook petroleum jelly vehicle straight to my chest. Satisfied I’m sure that I handled this on my own, I then proceeded to take a shower, not knowing that my hand-hook petroleum jelly vehicle was now commuting that greasy paste straight atop my pate.

Oh don’t worry, I figured it out as soon as I started to blowdry my hair and then I screamed for my mom and she was like WHAT DID YOU DO OMGGGG and at this point I was having what might have actually been my first panic attack and even then, in like 1986 or whatever, I was so worried about going to school and getting made fun of for having greasy hair, so my mom let me stay home.

I guess it was ok the next day?!

Strange Maybe-Candies 

A few weeks ago, I was wearing blue pastel pants and a pink blouse. Carrie said I looked very spring-like, and then HOURS later, Wendy came over and said the same thing and Carrie and I were like, “Nice try, Wendy, but you’re a little late.” (This has nothing to do with the story but I can’t even pass up an opportunity to drag Wendy.) Then I was eating Reese’s easter eggs and realized that even the candy matched my outfit so I took a picture because we live in the age of Everything’s a Photo-Op.

But then this whole pastel passage conjured another old AF memory! WANNA HEAR IT, OK!

The year was probably 1985 but if this post has taught us anything it’s that I don’t know dates.

My brother Ryan had just recently been brought into the world to ruin my life, so I was just a little ball of raging fury in those days.

One particular afternoon, Ryan was being showered with an exceptional amount of attention. I couldn’t take it any longer so I stormed off to my bedroom. When you’re young and pissed off, what’s the first thing you turn to (before you discover drugs or hardcore gangsta rap)? For me, it was destruction. But if I wasn’t feeling in the mood to desecrate Ryan’s nursery, I would choose the next best thing – defiance.

We had a guest room that was really just a holding cell for family heirlooms and other assorted antiques that my mom had acquired when her aunt had died. I was never actually told not to go in there, but it was more or less implied; the air of the room screamed Do Not Disturb. Not to mention it scared the shit out of me and reeked of old person.

Knowing that I shouldn’t have been in that room was the one thing that was drawing me to it. At first, I sat on the immaculate white knit bedspread. Quickly becoming bored with putting butt prints in the smooth covers, I moved on to explore the dresser and desk drawers. It was in the desk where I unearthed peculiar pink and green wads of foreign substance. Each drawer contained various pieces of it and the shapes were random and inconsistent. Some were rolled into little logs, while others were mashed into the wood.

I pulled a chunk off from the bottom of the drawer and detected a taffy-like texture. Looked like candy, felt like candy, probably didn’t smell like candy but never mind — MUST BE CANDY!

And so I ate it. It didn’t taste like much, but I figured that was because it was really old, expensive antique candy. Clearly, I was having my own Lewis Carroll experience. I went to bed that night gloating and feeling smugly indulgent. Can’t remember dates, but I remember THAT.

From that day on, whenever I would get shafted by the parents, I’d run to my magic candy. It was something that was all mine and Ryan could never have it (I mean, he really couldn’t have it – he was barely crawling at this point). This went on for a few months, maybe a year, until I moved on to bigger and better things. Like pyromancy and staging my own kidnapping.

I remembered this out of the blue one time, about 20 years later. Surely it would be an OK time to tell my mom. I was hoping she would be really hurt. “Oh honestly! That candy had been in the family for trillions of years and it was so special to me and now I’m crying.”

But what really happened was this:

After telling her the sordid tale, I smugly spat, “Yep, that was me. Eating your cherished heirloom candy that Aunt Cill brought back from the motherland.”
Mom: “That wasn’t candy, you asshole. That was sticky tack.”

*************

Guys, while I was blowing fuses in my brain thinking of old shit to write in here tonight, I actually thought of another memory that has since evolved into WHAT MIGHT BE A TALE OF DECEPTION AND BETRAYAL so I will save that for its own post sometime this weekend because now I’m really freaked out. But also probably jumping to conclusions like I do.

You know what day it is.

1. UNSOLICITED PRAYERS

I came back from my lunch break walk on Tuesday to the dreaded red light all lit up like a Bad News Beacon on my phone. A VOICEMAIL.

NO!

Turns out though that it was from some place called the Hope Prayer Center or something, and the message was from a very serious sounding woman (a nun, maybe!?!?!) urging me  to call them back with any urgent prayer requests I may have.

Lady, I need all the prayers. Can I have a flight of prayers? One big blanket prayer?

I thought for sure that Glenn had finally mustered up the motivation to get revenge on me for having religious pamphlets sent to his house (Todd tried to stop me but I could barely hear over my internal menacing cackle), but then I found out that a bunch of other people in the department also received a call, so it’s just some robo-call thing going down the line I guess and now I feel way less spiritually-targeted. The fun is gone. I’m not special, as suspected.

2. YEARLY CRACKLE

Once a year, I get a cold that settles in my chest, so that my voice gets all smokey and it sounds like there is a thimble of Rice Krispies chilling in my lungs. I.FUCKING.LOVE.IT.

No, I didn’t use my invisible sarcasm font on that. I legit love that crackly, wet cough so much that I will sit there and force it to happen. There have been times when I have nearly knocked myself out because I breathe in and out so deeply and unnaturally, calling forth that delightful crackle. Henry HATES this time of year. He thinks I’m insane and tries to deter me by googling worst case scenarios so that I’ll suddenly start to fear the crackle (apparently “chest crackle” is an actual thing that people call it so maybe there are others like me out there and  I can find a club to join or something – NOT a support group. I don’t need “help.” I just need some friends who I can loaf around with, reveling in productive coughs and wheezing in each other’s ears with glee, something that Henry shuns me for. Even my own son has disgustedly said, “Could you stop?” when I’m engaging in an evening of wet-wheezing and snap-crackle-pop huffs.

I’ve been like this my whole life! I was even convinced for a while (thanks, Merck Journal) that I was going to develop pleurisy because of my hacking hobby.

My favorite time of the day this week has been 5:35pm, when Henry picks me up from work and I am able to LET IT ALL OUT because I’m no longer in a quiet office. I sharply exhale until I feel like I’m going to crack a rib and then hold up one finger when the chest-crinkle starts. Henry just curls his lip and tells me he hates me.

Sadly though, the crackling is beginning to run its course and I’m afraid it might not even last through the weekend. :(

I think Henry’s breaking point was when I wistfully said that I wish I could see what the crackle looks like when it’s cracklin’.

Also, my coughs tastes like the essence of Slim-Fast. Not the pre-made kinds in the can, but the Slim-Fast that you actually blend yourself from the big canister of powder. My cold symptoms are very specific.

3. That Time Engagement Letters Were Fun

On Wednesday, we had this lunch & learn thing at work where the department gathers ’round to learn a new thing that’s valuable to their job, etc. The topic for this one was ENGAGEMENT LETTERS so some of the ladies from one of the teams I belong to were on charge of putting together a presentation for this and NOT GON’ LIE I was prepared to snooze my life away because ELs are like the bane of my law firm existence. However, they were prepared for this to possibly be the general consensus, so they planned a game of JEOPARDY and it was so much fun and I actually learned some things which is good since one my jobs involves reviewing eng. letters. Anyway, one of the questions was “Erin wants to renew her employment contract with SHINee. Which type of letter should be used?” AND THEN A PICTURE OF SHINEE APPEARED ON THE POWERPOINT! Carrie told me that they called her into the conference room the day that this was being put together because Wendy couldn’t remember what my favorite Kpop group was so Carrie was like “SHINee” and Wendy was like, “NO THAT IS NOT RIGHT” but Carrie was like, “LOOK I SIT IN FRONT OF HER SO I WOULD KNOW*. THAT’S THE GROUP TAEMIN IS IN” so that’s what they went with and I was absolutely TICKLED.

(Sometimes I get up and thrust my phone at Carrie so she can see whatever Instagram video of Taemin I’m currently squealing over. Perks of sitting in front of me.)

AND MY TEAM WON because of Carrie’s fancy and uber-particular Final Jeopardy answer which included something that even stumped one of the game hosts and made the other host groan because it was A TRUTH that she had forgotten to include, so we got motherfuckin’ bone points, bitches.

Later, Wendy was like, “I THOUGHT YOUR FAVE GROUP WAS SOMETHING DIFFERENT, SHINEE DOES NOT SOUND FAMILIAR” and I was like, “That’s because you don’t look at all the pictures on my desk but keep pretending to my friend, it’s cool” sike I’m not that petty (BUT MAYBE PEEK AT THE ‘GRAM EVERY NOW AND THEN AND YOU’D KNOW!?). Anyway, I did say that BIGBANG is my ult but SHINee is pretty much neck and neck with them and she was like, “YES THAT IS WHO I WAS THINKING OF” and if they really wanted to, they could have included both in a question by saying that in addition to renewing an employment agreement, my husband Kwon Jiyong (a/k/a G-Dragon) and I were looking to get some estate planning help.

Anyway, it was fun to know that two of my friends were in a conference room arguing over who my favorite kpop group is!

4. Acid Eye Bath

Sunday night, I was taking out my contacts but ran out of saline solution so I grabbed a new bottle from the closet. I don’t know what your routine is like, but I always fill up the case first and then dunk my finger in the tiny saline pool before plucking the things off my eyes. WELL when I did this on Sunday, I immediately fell to my knees and started screaming because it felt like my left eye was MELTING. SEARING PAIN LIKE A KOREAN BBQ BEING HOSTED RIGHT ON THE SURFACE OF MY EYEBALL. I ran into the bedroom and woke up Henry, screaming, “WHAT IS THIS SALINE SOLUTION?! WHAT DID YOU DO??” because he was on this “spending up my FSA” kick at the end of the year and did a good deed, supposedly, by stocking up on saline solution for me.

“I don’t know, it’s some overnight contact cleaner. It has hydrogen peroxide in it. You’re not supposed to put it in your eye!”

HOW WOULD I KNOW IT HAD THAT IN IT?!

“Well, the cap is red…”

SO WHAT?!

I’m sorry, but I don’t read boxes. I saw that it said stuff on it about contacts and that was good enough for me.

I finally got my eye to stop stinging and Henry, having just finished reading the instructions, swore that it would be OK to use it because after 6 hours, it “neutralizes.” OH OK Mr. Wizard.

I vaguely recall hearing him say something about the “special case” that came in the box, but I glossed over that fact and still used my regular case, and HOO BOY was I in for an A.M. surprise!

Yeah, it was like soaking my contacts in straight toilet cleaner and then jamming it onto my eyes on the ends of wrought-iron stokers pulled straight from the fireplace. I couldn’t even open my eyes long enough to get the contact out! After several minutes of flushing it with my own natural tears, I rinsed it off real good with my NORMAL saline solution because luckily he bought more of that too, and then shoved it back in my eye and it seemed OK so I did the same rinsing thing with the other contact but IT HURT JUST AS BAD AS THE FIRST ONE DID, why!?

By this point, my eyes both looked like they were straight bleeding, like I was in some religious horror movie and suffering from optical stigmata while being banged by Beelzebub. I honestly thought I was going to have to call off work, which anyone at the Law Firm will tell you rarely happens, maybe thrice in the 9 years I’ve worked there.

“Or you could just wear your glasses?” Henry sneered when I called him crying.

UM NO THANKS I’ll suffer!

Anyway, the pain mostly subsided by the time I had to leave for work but my eyelids were fighting to close the entire time I was on the trolley. I was too afraid to give in to it though because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to open them again!

Then I spent the entire time trying to hide my demon eyes from my coworkers. I did whine to Margie about it and she kept trying to give me saline solution that she keeps in her junk drawer and I was like, “I DO NOT NEED SALINE SOLUTION NOW MARGIE THE DAMAGE IS DONE” but then the next day I asked her if she had any cough drops because I was having a coughing fit and she was like, “No sorry” and I was like, “OH OK BUT YOU HAVE SALINE SOLUTION, WOW.”

#needy

(I just produced a really great chest crackle just now, you guys.)

5. Bless This Mess

OK confession time: I think that I am falling a little bit out of love with Emarosa. I thought maybe it was a “It’s Not You, It’s Me” sitch since I am so embroiled in Korea Stuffs. I have tried several times to listen to their new album, but I’m just not vibing with it—it’s not that I don’t LIKE it, but it’s not gut-punching me, I haven’t latched on to any particular song, and it always winds up being background noise while I’m putting on my makeup before work. Aside from my revisit to Pierce the Veil-land a few weeks ago, I thought that maybe it just meant I’ve outgrown that part of my life, etc etc. BUT THEN DANCE GAVIN DANCE RELEASED A NEW VIDEO TODAY AND RIGHT AT THE .0002 SECOND MARK I WAS LIKE HELLOOOOOOOOOOO BOYS. And when Jon Mess started screaming, something in my woke up and I realized that no, that part of me is still there so maybe it’s Emarosa that’s changed too much?!

Oh man, DGD gets me so pumped. They’re coming to Pittsburgh next month and I already told Henry we have to go and he’s like, “….oh, good. You….still like Dance Gavin Dance. Sigh.”

What a beautiful start to Friday!

***

Well e-friends, that’s all for today. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend! I’m supposed to be seeing “Us” with Chooch and Janna and then hopefully going to see Kara’s kid in his school play, provided that Henry the Recreational Mechanic is actually able to change whatever part on the car that he recently ordered. I made the mistake of asking Henry a question about something he’s fixing on the car and then he elaborated into oblivion. I finally told him to stop when he was a second away from telling me what tools he needs, like a clawjack and nutball, who even knows. Later, because I was dumb and asked him another question about the upcoming car surgery, I learned that there is something that is like a LIBRARY, but for TOOLS. The knowledge just keeps pouring in on a tide of WD40 when you’re dating a Blue Collar Guy.

My life lately has been consuming every piece of footage I can find on YouTube during Taemin’s “Want” comeback cycle, scream-singing jingles to the cats about my every movement, and having stress dreams about work. So basically, nothing to see here, haha.

Ha.

Ugh.

But I do have some pictures on my phone that I need to dump into this blog-commode, and of course those pictures come with words, apologies in advance. I’ll try to limit it to five things because that would be staying true to the title of this blog and keep me an honest woman.

(EVEN THOUGH HENRY NEVER MADE ME AN HONEST WOMAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.)

1. Bad Ice Cream

I know what you’re thinking, “Poppycock!” because you live inside a Dickens novel probably, but it’s true: we had a bad ice cream experience last Saturday and I’m still very sad about it. You know I love Millie’s. Everyone knows I love Millie’s. I have been singing their praises for years, ever since they opened a storefront, even though they replaced my then-favorite ice cream joint, Oh Yeah. I have been taking out-of-town friends to Millie’s, arranging “off-site work meetings-slash-team building” field trips to the Millie’s downtown, and basically I just pimp the fuck out of Millie’s like she’s a real life corner-stander in fishnets.

Chooch and I were RULL stoked to go to Millie’s on this particular day because they recently started a limited flavor series called Love Letters where they partner up with other local food businesses, like chocolatiers, honey makers, cheese….rs? You get what I’m saying. We both really had our hearts set on this one that was made with some dude’s fresh ricotta or whatever, mixed with almonds, and topped with an optional drizzle of Mike’s Hot Honey which hello, that’s the same honey I had on my pizza in NYC and it was THE BIZZ.  But once we got there, Chooch changed his mind and was going to get some chocolate hazelnut thing instead, which was also a Love Letter.

Right off the bat, I got BAD VIBES from the young girl working. She was surly. No personality. Seemed super rushed. First, I watched her be incredibly rude to the couple in front of us (young Asians, so you know I was on their side), sighing heavily as they asked for samples.

Then when it was our turn, Chooch tried to order that hazelnut thing and she cut him off with a curt, “We’re out of that.” WELL, PUT SOMETHING ON THE SIGN THEN, HON. So he instead got some orange floral flavor which I didn’t think he would like but he did, so at least one of us had a happy ending.

When it was my turn, I ordered the Owner of a Tony Heart or whatever it was called, and she very exasperatedly said, “Cup or cone” like bitch, lemme finish and you’d know. When she handed the cup to me, I said, “Can I also have the honey driz—-”

“We’re out of that,” she snapped, yet somehow retaining her no-personality blankness.

You guys.

I was super off-put by this. I have always had wonderful service at Millie’s so this came as somewhat of a shock to me, not like I’ve never had shitty service before, but you know.

But worst of all, when I started to eat my ice cream, IT DID NOT TASTE OF SWEET CHEESE AT ALL. It tasted plain! Like vanilla! So I of course pouted over this and Henry was like, “Please just take my ice cream” but at that point, I didn’t EVEN WANT ICE CREAM ANYMORE. Look, I don’t pig-out on ice cream very often anymore and I considered this to be a special treat since Chooch and I have been working out with Jillian so hard. I DIDN’T WANT TO WASTE THE CALORIES ON SOMETHING I DIDN’T TRULY WANT!

I realize that this is about as first world probz as it comes. I am a very self-aware peoples.

So first I complained about it on Twitter and my fellow ice-cream aficionado Chris of Chronica Fame immediately replied and we commiserated about my woes publicly for all to see. THEN I TOOK IT NEXT LEVEL and commented on the picture of the ricotta ice cream that Millie’s had recently posted and said, “Mine did not look like that and you were out of the honey *Sad face*”

Almost immediately, they DMd me! Through a congenial back-and-forth, we deduced that I likely did not get the right scoop and at this point I made sure to let the spokesperson know that the broad slinging that ‘cream was ambivalent at best and they were like OH NO PLZ DESCRIBE HER so that was awkward but I did it and they came back and said that she had actually been called in on her day off but they were not excusing her attitude and will have a talk with her ASAP so then I just felt guilty because we all have our bad days, and I hope that she is actually always like this because those types of people NEED TO BE TOLD ON.

And that’s what I’m here for. Tattletale till I die.

Oh yeah, so this was resolved by Millie’s offering me a free pint of any flavor I want and now I have to go back ASAP and try a REAL scoop of that ricotta stuff and thank god they have other locations now because I’ll probably never go back to the one in Shadyside ever again now that I NARC’d.

2. EATING WITH WORK FRIENDS

I have been pretty sheltered lately, not really on purpose but because I’m so distracted with my hobbies and whatever that I have been slacking at making plans. However! I had food plans two Saturdays in a row with friends and it was a nice shot of social stability.

Two Saturdays ago, I had breakfast at Pamela’s with Jeannie, Wendy, and Summer. We didn’t talk about work at all! It was really nice and tranquil until Jeannie started showing Summer (Wendy’s three-year-old daughter) pictures of her dog because we’re always vying for Summer’s attention. She was already unimpressed with my Everland popcorn purse so then I started showing her pictures of my cats to counteract Jeannie’s dog (ugh he’s cute though but I wanted my cats to win!). Then I pulled out the big guns and started showing her gifs of Taemin and Jinu. She gave me this bored look and was probably wondering how old I am.

(Side note: Then I went home and got a weird stomach bug which only lasted half the day so I’m not sure if it was my food or what. But yeah, that happened, and that’s also how I “accidentally” started watching You on Netflix which Glenn had mentioned that he and his wife were watching but when I saw that PENN BADGLEY is in it, I was interested. I was excited to tell Glenn on Monday that I was watching it and that DAN HUMPHREY from GOSSIP GIRL is in it.

“I didn’t watch that,” he mumbled.

So then I gave him a major spoiler and he mumbled, “Again, I really don’t care.” WOW.)

This last Saturday, BARB and I had lunch at Blue Flame! BARB sent her bacon back because it tasted like fish and this is still endlessly funny to me, so much that when Henry asked me later how Barb is doing, I said, “She sent back her bacon because it tasted like fish” and then I started cracking up.

I always learn the best little nuggets about Barb every time we hang out. This time, she was proud to tell me that she is not as obsessed with Tom Jones anymore (that actually made me sad!) and that when she was younger and traveling with her dad for hockey games, she and her friends would go to the front desk of the hotels and have “Mike Hunt” paged. LOLOLOLOL BARB IS THE BEST. I couldn’t wait to tell Chooch! He didn’t get it at first and just kept saying “Mike Hunt?” over and over which made it even funnier.

Penelope occasionally  wakes me up in the middle of the night because she is straight SCREAMING at this old, dirty yellow pompom that she either loves or hates, I can’t tell, and it is so annoying. I got more sleep when Chooch was an infant, I swear.

3. Stress-ships

I mentioned earlier in this post that I have been having stress dreams and I actually started to write a blog post about it the other night but then I was like THIS AIN’T NO DREAM JOURNAL, YO. However!! Janna had a stress dream about me and I wanted to share it because it’s basically the perfect analogy for our friendship, or, stress-ship.

So apparently in this dream, I had given Janna a thing of blueberries to hold for me but then she ate them and started to panic because I was going to come back for them so she started running around trying to find more blueberries but people kept snatching them from her hands and this made me LOL so much when she told me because that’s exactly the kind of friend I am – the kind that would get pissed and maybe even slap a person if they ate my blueberries.

And I don’t even like blueberries that much! But I would still be mad!

4. A LOT OF MICHAEL MCDONALD 

I naturally do this thing where I sing what I’m saying, which is something that Henry and Chooch love and cherish about me. Lately, after almost every infuriating convo with my aforementioned almost-teen, I walk away singing Michael McDonald’s “I Keep Forgetting” in my head except the lyrics are “I keep forgetting you fucking know everything. I keep forgetting my brain’ll never be as big as yours.”‬

IT MUST BE SO BURDENSOME KNOWING EVERYTHING.

Speaking of Michael McDonald!

Guys, you remember a few weeks ago when we were driving home from Toronto and I heard that old 80s jam “Yah Mo Be There” by James Ingram? Well, that song also features Michael McDonald and when I was talking to Todd about it at work the next day, Glenn kept interrupting to say it was the Doobie Brothers and I was like, “No, it was Michael McDonald” and he again mumbled that it was the Doobie Brothers and I snapped, “NO IT WAS JUST ONE DOOBIE, GLENN! JUST THE ONE! MICHAEL MCDONALD!” Ugh, goddammit.

Anyway, THE VERY NEXT DAY JAMES INGRAM DIED. We were all stunned. It was like the time I unfriended someone on Facebook and then he died. Glenn even said he had goosebumps.

OK, that part wasn’t about Michael McDonald, but it was kind of related.

This also just brought back a memory of when I started dating my ex-boyfriend Jeff. He told me that everyone thought his step-dad looked like Michael McDonald.

“Eh, never mind. You probably don’t know who that is,” he said, not yet knowing that he was dating THE YACHT ROCK QUEEN.

When I eventually met his stepdad, I was like, “Holy shit, he does look like Michael McDonald!” It was uncanny, really. You had to be there.

5. FESTERING FEELINGS ABOUT CERAMICS

Hey guys, I’m about to throw it back here for you. When I was in 4th or 5th grade, my mom and I decided to taken ceramics classes together and if we’re being honest here I’m pretty sure it was my idea. We started going to this place called KIRSTING CERAMICS which was run by a husband and wife in their basement which I know sounds like the premise of a student horror film (THE KILN) and everything was great at first, we painted and kiln’d lots of pumpkins and turkeys for the fall, but then my mom started MAKING FRIENDS there and IGNORING ME and Kathy’s husband was a fucking dickstick who was always acting like I shouldn’t be there when their dumb adopted daughter ran amok like a bull in a…ceramics shop BUT NO ONE EVER SAID SHIT ABOUT THAT.

Eventually, my mom started going without me and I know it was just like her escape from my stepdad or whatever, but I was super butt-hurt about it and reasoned that it was probably just because she was jealous that I was so much better at ceramics than her. Lol.

I don’t remember how long ago this was but those ceramic assholes eventually sold their house and now it’s State Farm Insurance.

“That’s actually where my mom was the night my dad THREW A FORK AT MY HAND ON ST PATRICK’S DAY!” I cried to Henry last week after we drove past the old Kirsting house and I subconsciously memory-purged this whole chapter of my life.

“WOW I GUESS I AM STILL MAD ABOUT THIS,” I yelled, and Henry was just like, “Wow, ya think.”

***************

The only way to officially end this post is with a Taemin outro, sorry. “Artistic Groove”‘ is the “b-side” he’s been also performing on all the music shows and at first it didn’t stop my heart or anything but it’s had a slow burn on me over the week and now I think I might like it more than “Want” – especially toward the end when he starts doing these things with his voice that remind me of my favorite Sophie B. Hawkins song (“Don’t Stop Swaying,” OBVI) and it is like warm nostalgia-syrup is being poured on my dumb pancake face.

I don’t know what that means exactly but it all starts around the 2:54 mark, and specifically at 3:07 he sounds like a goddamn angel and I want to punch Henry in the face for not being able to pull off wearing a white ruffled blouse.

I thought it would be fun, for this particular FRIDAY FIVE, to share five ridiculous(ly awesome) workouts that I love to do when I come home from a particularly stressful day and need to blow off steam, or if just need a little mood-boost, or maybe it’s my day off from more strenuous workouts but I still wanna MOOOOVE BITCH, you know how it be.

To me, the best workouts are the ones that make you crack up. Yeah, CRUNCHLESS ABS, amirite.

So here we go.

1. THE GRIND

Awwwww shit, Eric Nies, boi. This came up in my feed the other day and I was so giddy and nostalgic.

I definitely rented this from Blockbuster several times in the 90s (also, the Jody Watley workout!!

).

“Wow, this wasn’t sponsored by Adidas or anything,” Henry mumbled, not budging from the couch even once to show off his Fly Girl moves.

2. Leslie Sansone

I’m sharing this particular workout because it’s the one where ELIZABETH DISAPPEARS but really it’s because she’s so sweaty two minutes in that she needs to towel off.

In all seriousness though, these workouts are perfect for when you have been sitting all day but don’t really want to get all up in some hardcore cardio boot camp bullshit. They’re also great to do in the winter when it’s too gross to go out for an evening neighborhood canvas.

3. Fuckin’ gospel aerobics, that’s what’s up

I will never stop recommending Paul Eugene because he cracks me up and I feel, dare I say, JOYOUS, doing these workouts!

Plus you get to grunt gratuitously and yell YEE HAW.

4. CHER

I swear I didn’t actively seek this one out. YouTube just hand-delivered it to me with a lacy g-string bow on top. My favorite thing about this is that every time Cher is in my periphery, I forget what I’m doing and think it’s Frank N. Furter getting ready to sing Sweet Transvestite.

5. KPOPALOOZA!!

Kpop dance workouts are still my ultimate go-to for X-Or-Cize. They cheer me up and it doesn’t feel like a workout at ALL–compared to the level 7 Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution that Chooch and I just finished which included crow push-ups and one leg push-ups but let me tell you what — I am ready for some Kpop-wiggles right now.

Anyway, this is an EXCLUSIVE playlist I made for one of the times Janna came over to Kpop-X with us.

Aren’t I a great pretend-trainer? I hope you feel inspired to try some of these, and please let me know what your favorite workout videos were back in the day. I had a soft spot for Denise Austin and Gilad lol. (AND JACKI SORENSON.)

If I were to compose a Friday Five tracklist for today it would look like this:

1. TODAY IS TRASH
2. THIS WHOLE WEEK WAS BAD
3. LAST WEEK WAS BAD TOO
4. JANUARY HAS BEEN A DISASTER
5. UGLY CRYING (WITH WINE)

Honestly, all my stress lies in one area of my life but it’s starting to bleed into other areas resulting in a huge fight this morning between Chooch and me and I mean, I say we fight all the time when it’s really just mild bickering but this morning I was already on the edge and then he triggered me and I just went on a schizo tirade around the house and it was just terrible and I felt like the most disgusting human being on the planet, proceeded to cry on the trolley, cried in the bathroom at work immediately upon arrival (and got busted by one of the new people so that was cool) and then my day just kept getting dumber.

But we leave in the morning for a weekend in Toronto and I am really hoping all this stress just means I will enjoy and appreciate the time there even more?

SURE IT DOES.

Anyway, here are my real Friday fivers I guess.

1. Level “Fit Into Korean ‘One Size’” Unlocked!

Truth! When we were in Korea, I was desperate to buy something at Chuu, but their clothes are mostly Korean “free size” or “one size” and lemme tell you, that means “one size will LIKELY NOT fit all outside of Asia.” So I was too freaked out to even attempt to try anything on. But last weekend I was like “this is dumb” and just went and ordered this one Chuu sweater that I have been coveting. It came on Wednesday (yes, from KOREA! Super cheap shipping too) and you guys, it fucking fits.

I made Chooch take my picture (pre-fight) this morning and he was like “my life sucks.”

STRAWBERRY MILK! It matches my Passport cover which was the only thing I felt comfortable buying at Chuu last year lol I hate myself.

2. Henry Made Kimchi!

There’s really nothing else to say about that except that HENRY MADE KIMCHI! So good.

3. Things I think About During Jillian Michaels Workouts

Chooch and I have been going strong with Jillian Michaels Body Revolution since the beginning of the month. I still do my Kpop stuff but I needed something that Chooch would also do and turns out, he really likes Jillian lol. Anyway, the other night we were in the middle of one of the circuits and I was intently focused on one of the framed pictures of the Cure I have hanging above the TV, which is what I do when I need to zone out from the pain, and I suddenly had a vivid memory from the early 2000s when I worked at the shitty meat company. I was probably at the height of my Cure obsession when I worked at that shit hole, and I had pictures of Robert Smith tacked up all over my bulletin board. One of the meat-cutters, John, and I had this fun little routine where he would ask me every day, “Did Robbie call you yet?” because that’s how he always referred to Robert Smith, and I would sadly say no.

“That bastard,” he’d spit, and it was just one of those things that seems so small and insignificant but it would make me smile on the daily, and clearly it had enough impact that it has stuck with me for nearly 20 years now.

I was telling Chooch this tale while we were sweating and grunting through ‘good mornings’, and then without even realizing it, I added, “He killed himself about 12 years ago” and Chooch was like, “WHAT OMG WHY” and then I was getting all teary-eyed so we stopped talking about that.

Weird things you think of while exercising, amirite.

4. My House Should Have an Epilepsy Warning

There was one day last week when I worked from home, and apparently there was some situation where the light above Regina’s office was flickering super badly and it was driving people nuts. Regina had to move somewhere else for the day until the maintenance people came to fix it, but I heard it took HOURS and people were getting brainwashed and started floating toward the light like moths to a fluorescent flame.

“You would have been so annoyed!” Wendy told me when I came back to the office the next day. But then I paused and said, “Well wait, have you SEEN my house?!” It’s like a fucking 24:7 arcade with neon, flashing lights all up in your periphery no matter which way you look.

“Was it making a buzzing noise, too?” I asked, and Wendy said no.

Then I don’t think I would have been that annoyed! I only hate sounds.

Random picture of Drew where she doesn’t belong.

5. Don’t Worry – Chooch & I Are Friends Again

After our big fight this morning, he sent me a challenge request on Quiz Up and I was like, “OMG HE MADE CONTACT” because he had been ignoring my texts, so I texted him a bunch of apologetic word vomit which included, “YOU ARE NOT A DISAPPOINTMENT” and then he said “YOU’RE NOT A BAD MOM” and we both said we were sorry, etc etc and then when I came home from work, we fake-hugged and later when I mentioned that I was so relieved when he sent me that Quiz Up challenge, he said, “Oh that was an accident. It was supposed to be for Trevor, but your name was right next to his.”

UGH.

But whatever. We’re pals again and now he has a whole entire chapter for his future autobiography, so you’re welcome Chooch.

I’ll bookend this with a photo of one of my favorite fruits – cherimoya! The Asian market was rife with them over the weekend, so I got to have one for my morning snack today at work and that was….wait, let me think…yes, that was the only high point of my work day.

Let’s take a break from Christmas-related recaps and talk about some shit that’s been happening around here lately.

1. NEW NEIGHBORS

Remember how several months ago I was stoked because that jackass guy who always was working on his broke-down cars in the driveway finally moved out and took his junkyard with him? Well he’s been replaced by some old broad and her young adult son who DRIVES A DUMPTRUCK AND PARKS IT IN THE DRIVEWAY. Now, we don’t have to deal with these n00bs other than when we’re being annoyed by that monstrosity in the driveway, but Hot Naybor Chris shares a wall with them and told us that they’re loud and constantly fighting with each other.

I heard the son screaming at someone outside last week and it was actually chilling. He seems mostly like a derelict but who knows if he’s dangerous. I don’t trust anyone!

Haley started to leave a note on his dumptruck recently but Blake made her take it off because he seems like maybe he could be a loose cannon—he apparently came out of his house and started yelling at some of Blake’s friends who were walking down the sidewalk, so that’s great.

I’m dying to start a fight with him.

Henry walked outside earlier today and Hot Naybor Chris’s wife actually WAS fighting with him over the whole dumptruck thing and Henry said she yelled that if he parks it there again she’s going to break the windows with a rock. Lol, #TeamHNCWife

Oh, also, HIS ASSCRACK IS ALWAYS SHOWING!

In other neighbor-related news, did I tell you about the time several weeks ago when I was walking to the trolley and Chooch’s “friend” Rob, a middle-aged man who has lived on this block even longer than me and is notorious for public drunkeness, was walking down his sidewalk to his truck which was parked on the street.  Drunk Rob stopped me and slurred “hey check out my cat” and for a moment I thought this was a ploy to shove me in his pickup truck and show me his weener but his cat really was sitting on the sidewalk.

Whew.

2. BABYSITTERS CLUB

We’ve been babysitting Calvin off and on since yesterday and it’s been fun but good goddamn I forgot how exhausting small children are! I only have so many funny voices and dance moves, you know?

We took him to Eat n Park last night for dinner and it was the first time we took him out in public without his parents so before we went inside, I pleaded with him to not embarrass us and he listened to me! He was super good the whole time and actually ate the food we cut into elf-approved pieces  without hurling it across the restaurant!

(I tried to slip him a black olive but that was a big NOPE.)

When the waitress came to take our orders, we acted SO FUCKING SUSPICIOUS like we were kidnappers.

“What should we order for him?” we whispered to each other. “Does he like mac ‘n cheese?” we wondered out loud. I think a normal waitress would have maybe signaled for an amber alert, because we were acting like we had no idea how to care for a toddler so clearly he was abducted. But this was Eat n Park and those broads don’t pay attention to your empty coffee cup, let alone suspicious behavior.

I definitely think Calvin likes me better than Henry though. He’s been paying more attention to me recently so now I’m obsessed with hanging out with him and making sure that he stays liking me more than Henry.

That’s my end game for everything.

Earlier today, it took all three of us to change his clothes.

3. OH YOU WAIT UNTIL MOM FINDS OUT, BUDDY

I bought Chooch this shirt for Christmas because we love The Lost Boys and that’s one of my favorite parts of the movie and we all know I give presents selfishly. Another shirt for us to share!

4. In Case You Were Wondering, I’m Still Talking About My Tooth Tragedy

I was closing out all the tabs on my phone and it was all “how much do root canals cost” “I lost a filling” “does my tooth need pulled” “if you swallow a filling can you die” “do tooth implants hurt.” Henry rolled his eyes out of his head when I told him so now my tabs are full of eye stuff.

My fixed tooth is now super sensitive to cold and it hurts when I chew hard food on that side so now I’m panicking THAT I AM NOT FIXED (or am I just FIXATING) but at least I don’t have a shell back there anymore?

5. My New Fetish

So, I used to be into watching Korean idols eating (don’t judge me) but then the other day, I, um, accidentally watched a video compilation of Jinu from Winner drinking so I guess that’s my new kink?!

Well, in other news, my only plan for this weekend is to hunker down and crank out some new card designs for Valentine’s Day — I’m almost done with a 16-card set of The Cure designs! They are so fucking cringey.

Look man I was just happy to have some days off work where I didn’t have to trudge to the damn trolley in premature winter temps. Plus, we’re leaving for Tennessee later today (Dollywood!) so I was content having nothing to do on actual Thanksgiving. My mom and I are both pretty meh about the holiday so I don’t mind that she doesn’t want to host anymore.

But then Chooch pulled out his vegetarian cookbook the night before and was all, “Papa*, I’m going to find some recipes for you for tomorrow” and then I was like, “Oh shit. The kid. We should probably do something for the kid.” Lol.

*(What Chooch calls Henry when he’s trying to pretend like we’re like a wholesome family.)

So then Henry was like I GUESS I AM GOING TO THE STORE THEN and set off on Thanksgiving Eve to procure the tofurkey which is usually sold out because he waits too long. I remember way back in the day when we had to drive like 45 minutes to some weird health store to get one because regular grocery stores didn’t sell stuff like that and I got made fun of for eating it but no one bats an eye. Changing times, etc etc.

The first half of the day consisted of Leslie Sansone walking workouts (lol), kdramas but no family drama, watching Henry cook & clean, looking at Kpop idols, freaking out over a mystery bruise on my thumb, and planning all our amusement park trips for 2019. It was splendid! (Not the bruise part though, I’m mildly alarmed by it.)

I was in such a good mood that I even felt inspired to decorate for Christmas:

Chooch was all excited when I told him I decorated and then said, “…oh” when he saw it.

Since there was just the three of us and we’re going away this weekend, Henry kept the spread the simple: a tofurkey for Chooch and me (he made gross chicken for himself because he doesn’t like real turkey), whatever garlicky mashed potato recipe Chooch found, and a completely revamped version of the broccoli rabe & white bean casserole recipe that Chooch also requested, because Henry couldn’t find broccoli rabe at 8pm on Thanksgiving Eve so he used regular broccoli and brussels sprouts instead and it was delicious.

(I don’t even know what broccoli rabe is and I know for damn sure Chooch doesn’t either, so this made no difference to us.)

Henry kept yelling at us from the kitchen to start eating but we were like NO WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUUUUUU IT’S THANKSGIVING.

But it was really because we needed him to plate our Tofurkey.

Oh Lord, we got so giddy right away and Chooch had a Code Red laughing fit which caused him to flee the table in search of a Kleenex, so you know Henry was in a great mood! That combined with the fact that the same NCT 127 song was playing repeatedly in the background really completed the mood. Look at Henry’s delirious face! I think deep down, he’s thankful for us, lunacy and all, even if he sometimes must feel like he’s living in an asylum.

Tofurky looks like a giant hotdog butt.

After dinner, Chooch and I continued our tradition of watching birthday party videos on YouTube (4th year!). We found a whole slew of new million subscriber families to hate! I called the one birthday girl and all her friends “a bunch of bitches” and Chooch was like “Aren’t they like three?!”

OK now for the Friday Five portion, which is FIVE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR:

1. Korea (Henry and Chooch rolled their eyes when we went around the table and “gave thanks” and this was of course the first thing I said and whatever because Chooch just kept saying “Bambi” over and over and now that I think about it, I don’t think Henry said ANYTHING!?
2. Having a job that I like – yeah, I know, I complain about it at times, who doesn’t complain about having to leave the house to go to work?! But when you’ve had jobs that have made you sick to your stomach and have panic attacks while paying you pennies, getting one where you feel comfortable and needed is really something to be thankful for.  Thanks, job!
3. The willpower to get in shape – when I first started dieting in 2012 I was just about 200 pounds.  I did WW for a bit and got myself down to about 170 but it was a struggle. I had no energy! I was miserable! I can’t remember when I started spending my lunch break hour walking around downtown, but that helped me get my energy back and also kept my weight stable so I wasn’t gaining, but I also wasn’t really losing anything either. Since starting my own routine in 2016, being more mindful of what I eat and when I eat, and keeping up on those lunch break walks (even in the rain, even when I’m sick, even when it’s cold), I’ve managed to get myself down to 145. I never felt “unhealthy” even when I was heavier, but I do FOR SURE feel more “able.” Sure, I still have major body image issues that I need to work on, but baby steps!
4. Eternal Youth! – I’m going to be 40 next year, I have a shit-ton of gray hairs, but my brain refuses to accept that and still spends most of its time thinking about concerts and amusement parks and Kpop idols. I was talking to Amber about this at work the other day, how I’m trying to fit in a few days in Tokyo during my birthday Korea trip next summer because I want to go to DisneySea and how Henry is like dreaming of the day when we can plan a vacation that doesn’t include an amusement park, and Amber said, “I can’t believe you’re going to be 40. You’re like, ageless, to me.” YES.  I’m thankful that I have managed to maintain that part of myself because goddamn does it make life fun! Except for when you watch so many vlogs about roller coasters and are constantly hearing people talking about the “head chopper” elements and then you go to bed and have a horribly vivid nightmare that you’re watching a movie where some girl is walking down the steps of some Victorian mansion and gets her head lopped off by her dad, completely out of nowhere, but then it turns out to be YOU, you just had YOUR head chopped off, but later in the dream, you realize that your head was put back on, but apparently your ear had also been cut off and that was put back on much more jankily than your head, so it’s all bloody and it BURNS and also it’s not aligned properly with your head and you are FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS. I mean, that’s just something that might happen.
5. Henry & Chooch, le duh – Come on, this is a given. I have a guy who is mild-tempered and goes along with all my crazy ideas, he gets totally engrossed in every k-drama with me to the point where he’s mad when I start a new one without him (he’ll still watch it though), he sends me kpop-related texts on Kakao throughout the day (I made him download Kakao awhile back and it’s the only way we text now unless I’m mad at him then I use regular text and he’s like, “wow you must be mad”), he does whatever he can to make my life easier, and well, he’s just the best and I’m glad we’ve lasted together all these years because I can’t imagine many other people who would be like, “Yes, let me completely change the way I cook for you because now you’re on a make-believe Korean diet and sure, let’s go to Party City for new home decor so our house can continue to look like Pee Wee’s Playhouse and OK, let’s talk about going to some random town in the Netherlands so you can spend Easter 2020 at some weird amusement park.” Lol. And then Chooch! I couldn’t ask for a better kid. He is such a mini-Erin that it’s actually scary at times (or, “all times” if you’re Henry). He’s independent and self-motivated when it comes to school (he’s basically a genius but has ZERO COMMON SENSE though, oh my god, he is street-stupid), a mini-politician when it comes to the neighborhood (everyone knows him!), and he is SO ENTERTAINING. Janna was over here on Saturday for Kpop Fitness Night and afterward, he effortlessly had us cracking up just by being him, sitting there making his dumb Rainbow Loom bracelets. No, our life isn’t perfect, and we do all bicker with each other like normal TV families, but we never go to bed mad at each. (EXCEPT FOR LAST NIGHT BECAUSE WE GOT A BUNCH OF CARD ORDERS AND HENRY AND I DO NOT WORK WELL TOGETHER IN THE GREETING CARD FACTORY.)

Anyway, that’s my Thanksgiving 2018 recap and obligatory “thankful” list. I’ll end here with a video of Mini-Erin stalking his nemesis Larry:

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ETA: Chooch just woke up and said, “Well, I see the dining room table is back to its old self” and I screamed “WELL, WE HAD 80 MILLION CARDS TO MAKE LAST NIGHT OK, THANKS FOR THE HELP!”

It’s Friday and I’m still alive, so you know what that means! Here’s some 5 things.

1. Emarosa

You guys! Emarosa dropped a video for one of their new songs, and when I say new I mean NEW NEW. This is like a brand new Emarosa. Pop-infused. Dance-y. Ready to mingle with Carly Rae record collection.  I’m in love and already can’t wait for the full release in February! A super important fact about this video is that it was choreographed by my friend Lizzie, whom I actually met a few years ago through our shared love for Emarosa. I have really enjoyed getting to know her and watching her lightning-quick progression as a dancer and choreographer. She is amazing and I can only hope that I get to see her perform in person someday! She’s also in this video, and you’ll catch her in the middle of the formation in most of the dance scenes. Lizzie + Emarosa = <3<3<3

2. Taemin light stick

A few weeks ago, I went in on a group Taemin light stick order with the Canada SHINee Twitter group. This particular light stick was made specifically for his recent solo tour in Japan and I needed it like a preteen girl in the 80s needs the latest Bonne Bell or Lipsmackers flavor. Yeah, it was like that.

Henry texted me when I was work yesterday and said that there was package out for delivery and I knew it had to be the light stick, so I thought my shitty day was finally going to have a light(stick) at the end of the tunnel. But then he texted me again later that night because he got a notification that there was a delivery attempt, but no one was home so we’d have to reschedule — HE WAS SITTING RIGHT BY THE FRONT DOOR THE WHOLE TIME AND SAID THERE WERE NO FOOTPRINTS IN THE SNOW ON OUR SIDEWALK. USPS, you lying motherfuckers. So today I was working from home and I left a shitty note taped to the door saying they better not even try that shit again because someone was going to be home ALL DAY so maybe TRY KNOCKING?! Anyway, it was delivered today by the regualr mailman, who just stuck it in the mailbox so why that couldn’t have happened yesterday, who knows, but you better believe I was on the warpath about this and had my ink and quill all ready to go until I realized that sending a letter would just HELP THE USPS so I guess I will email them my totally level-headed complaint instead.

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WORTH IT!!

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3. Teen Center volunteers love me

Hey remember how I hate the Teen Center because they stole my son? Well I’ll cut them some slack because EVIDENTLY Chooch was talking to the volunteers about going to see Emarosa a couple weeks ago, and one of the guys there knows Emarosa too and thought that was cool, so Chooch told him about how we became friendly with Bradley and then showed them the article that Alternative Press wrote about his relationship with the band, and they were like, “WOW U R C00L” so then he stated showing them other pictures of concerts, etc and told them the most important part, which is that HIS MOM is the one who is into these things and takes him to concerts and they were like WHOA YR MOM IS C00L and then one of the girl volunteers said that she wished I was her mom too, so you know what? Teen Center’s not too bad.

4. Today’s lunch

As mentioned previously, I was working from home today which was fine but then came lunch time and I was like, “shit fuck piss what am I going to have for lunch?” I’m on a slight diet, nothing extreme, but I do need to log my food which is great when Henry is here and I chuck my phone at him and say, “Here, you do this” because only he knows how much hemlock he put in tonight’s dinner. So I called him freaking out and he was like, “Just eat the stuff I prepared for you” BUT I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO LOG THAT so instead, I grabbed a handful of ingredients that I could easily enter into my app and that is how I ended up with this plated slop for lunch:

The egg was supposed to be on top of the Boca burger, but it slid off and almost continued sliding right off the plate, but I saved it with my hand and then the yolk broke so that made me sad because I wasn’t ready for it to break yet, OK.

I thought I could heat up the sweet potato and Boca burger on the same plate, at the same time, but I GUESS I THOUGHT WRONG because I didn’t take Microwave Class in college.

Anyway, lunch was fine. I’m fine. It’s all fine. 괜찮아.

(This is why I eat OATMEAL for lunch every day at work.)

5. More roller coaster stuff

Watching theme park vlogs all week while sick has really saved me, I haven’t had the energy to watch K-dramas on account of having to read subtitles and you know, I HAVE BEEN SICK in case you missed every single post this past week where I have whined about it like I have an actual plague. Henry got really disgusted out of nowhere the one night and actually seemed mad that I’m not a vlogger?! “You would think that after spending your entire teenage years videotaping EVERYTHING that being on YouTube would have been something you’d have been into it early on!” I mean, it’s true — you can ask my family and any friend I still have from my high school years (surprisingly still quite a few of them) and they will surely tell you with absolute disdain that there was at least one occasion they had a camcorder shoved in their face. But to be honest, I hate my voice and it’s a blessing for the world that I never got into YouTube. I did actually upload a video a long time ago of the time I made Henry take me to Cleveland to see Tha Crossroads, literally E.99 and St. Clair where Bone Thugs n Harmony used to hang out (I was a huge Bone fan in high school, before MTV made it “cool” for dumb white people to like them), but I was SO ANNOYING in the video that literal strangers were commenting to say THAT BITCH IS ANNOYING. So…

But also, watching all these theme park vlogs made me remember this time when I was in middle school and my aunt, who worked at the University of Pittsburgh at the time, knew someone who worked in the marketing department for Kennywood and she was able to get a poster of what the park’s brand new coaster (Steel Phantom) was going to look like. She gave it to me to take to school and show everyone and I was so excited to share it! At the time, this was the world’s tallest steel coaster so it was a huge deal. But one of the guys in my class had a strong desire to one-up me so he CALLED Kennywood and got someone to tell him all of the stats for the coaster, just so he could come in the next day and piggyback off me with more information. It was clearly something that annoyed me enough to where I still harbor ill feelings about it. OK FINE I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME I RIDE THAT DAMN RIDE.

In other coaster news, I have vacations planned around theme parks all the way to 2020. Henry is so excited!

Moodiness & political drama aside, November has started off pretty nicely. Sometimes I get so bogged down by the news and the pissiness of people around me that I forget that things under my own roof are just fucking swell. So here are some things from the last week that have made me excited, smile, or just laugh my ugly face right off.

(Otherwise known as “I’m Trying To Clean Up My Camera Roll So Here Are Pictures.”)

• A SATURDAY NIGHT IN WEST VIRGINIA

Shit, I know what you’re thinking: How fun could a night in WV honestly be? But look, listen. There was one last haunted house I wanted to go to before slamming the door on another successful haunt season, but it’s TWO HOURS AWAY in Weston, WV. I’ve been twice before and I can tell you that it’s worth it, so I got Janna to agree to go too and Henry reluctantly drove us (I’m not great at night-driving, OK?! It’s a miracle I got us home from Fright Farm a few weeks ago). Chooch and I were rambunctious from the start because there is something about Janna that just seriously activates our Giddy Mode. It’s not even that she instigates us or anything, but more so that she is so freaking easy-going and basically ignores us that it just makes us react even harder. As you can imagine, Henry LOVES this. For instance, we stopped at a Sheetz in some rural area and Chooch was getting a “Hollywood Snack” pack and became deadset on getting Janna to buy one too. She eventually conceded and while we were cackling over this like hyenas in the car, Janna calmly said, “I HAVE HAD THIS BEFORE, CHOOCH, IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.”

OMG BUT IT WAS!

Then we were laughing because we she was taking so long inside Sheetz so we just left her in there. When she finally came out, she wasn’t even hurrying back to the car! SHE WAS IN THERE FOR SO LONG THAT HENRY WAS CHECKING THE OIL AND CLEANING OUT THE TRUNK!?

I’ll skip the haunted house part because I’m going to make Chooch write about that (lol, I love bossing him around) but we got stuck with an annoying family (I mean, aside from my own) so the haunt wasn’t as great because of that (the dad of all people was the one who ruined it for us because he was such a slow idiot and even the rest of his family was like “PAUL, GO FASTER!” because other groups were catching up to us, and it wasn’t until the next day when I was like,, “Oh shit, they were actually saying ‘Pa'” and then that just made it even funnier to me). By the time we got out of there, it was after 9 and we hadn’t eaten dinner yet, so Henry took us to DJs 50’s and 60s Diner, which is where we ate last year on the way home from the same haunt, but this time it was blessedly uncrowded. (Last year, it was after some football game so that place was packed with Trumpers.)

Chooch took this picture of his loving parents. Henry’s face was varying levels of anger and annoyance throughout the meal, especially when he summoned our waitress after we ordered because he wanted to tack on an appetizer for himself but when the waitress came over, Chooch cut him off to ask her what the wi-fi password was and then they were both talking to her at the same time and she was like WHAT TO DO but she ultimately chose to make Chooch’s request her priority and I thought Henry was going to flip the table especially later on when she came back with his appetizer and we all lunged for it so he ended up with only one deep fried banana pepper.

The trials and tribs of Henry J.

Chooch and I were fighting each other for Janna’s “good fries” because I am a super ridiculous fry snob with very narrow criteria that Henry hasn’t been able to decode in the 18  years I’ve been snatching “good fries” from his plates, and I managed to pass this trait down to Chooch which sucks because he knows EXACTLY the ones I like and has himself convinced that HE likes them the best too and now there is always a war over fries, even worse than when America was mad at France and took it out on french fries by renaming them FREEDOM FRIES.

But look, Chooch and I aren’t complete savages about this – we have enough civility to BARTER. Yes, that’s right, for every “good fry” we steal from someone else’s (read: Henry’s) plate, we toss in one of our own rejects. Janna was getting tired of us launching our unwanted fries onto her plate and eventually yelled, in her own way, “Oh my god, just take the ones you want! I don’t care!” and the fact that we managed to get Janna worked up over this made Chooch laugh so hard that he had to run to the bathroom to maybe-puke.

BUT HE TOOK A FRY WITH HIM!

Meanwhile, the waitress (a very sweet young girl who patiently endured our hour-long visit) came over to refill my coffee so I purposely held my cup over Henry’s lap and I was trying to hold back my giddy bray the whole time which only made it worse and the whole sitch ended up being awkward because I’m sure she thought I was laughing at her, but no, I was just being an asshole to my own people.

And then I got Janna to subscribe to my blog after 11 years!!

And then I took a picture of my gardenburger and cracked up all over again because who seriously takes a picture of a diner veggie patty.

AND THEN WHEN WE WERE LEAVING, WE SAW THIS PICTURE IN THE VESTIBULE. LOLOLOLOL..

Oh for god’s sake, I needed all that laughter. My cheeks felt like they were going to split!

• CUTE BLOUSES WITH THINGS ON IT

I’m a sucker for blouses with things on it. I don’t care how juvenile it is! I recently bought these two cutie shirts from F21 and they put me in a great mood:

The horse one has such great sleeves, which is another thAng I’m a sucker for.

(I had a friend who hated when I said thang instead of thing and even though I use it sparingly these days, it’s not without a bucket of smugness.)

CLOSEUP OF MY BEE BLOUSE. I love bees.

• OBLIGATORY CAT PICTURE

• MORE LIBRARY DRAMA

Well, Son of the Year finally had his library ban lifted so he went there the other night to get a book for his next genre report but he was DENIED when he went to check it out because he allegedly has three overdue books, about which I know NOTHING, and he naturally came home and couldn’t find them and look, I’m not dealing with this shit. He can rake some yards to pay off his library debt or go to Book Jail for all I care.

So then the other night I was like, “Oh yeah, when do you need to choose a book for your report?” thinking that maybe we could just go to like, Half Dollar Books this weekend but he said, “Tomorrow.”

TO-MOR-ROW.

Because they have to turn their books for the teacher’s dumb approval before they can start working on the reports, you know?

I was like, “YOU LITTLE SON OF A—-” and then stormed off into my bedroom to find him a book to use. (Luckily I have lots of young adult books, lol.) I intended to lend him Charlotte Sometimes (the book that inspired the Cure song of the same name!) but then he was like WHAT IS THIS ONE and that’s how Christopher Pike’s seminal classic Chainletter became the subject of Chooch’s genre report.

You’re welcome, 7th grade Communications Teacher.

• TAEMIN’S JAPANESE SELF-TITLED ALBUM

Look, you knew there was going to be at least one mention of Taemin in this post. He’s all I have while G-Dragon is fulfilling his military duties! Anyway, I have been loving Taemin’s latest release, which is Japanese and I usually don’t like Japanese versions of K-pop songs, but it’s TAEMIN so I’m OK with it. Plus, the new “just-for-Japan” tracks are killer. My favorite so far is HOLY WATER:

And also this immaculate performance of Eclipse. If I ever get to see him perform live in front of me, under the same roof,  I don’t know if my legs will be able to hold me up. Taemin, come  to America and let’s find out!

Well, on that note, I’m gonna peace right on outta here. Have a great weekend,  don’t jaywalk, etc etc etc.

This week felt like it was never going to end, OMG, I’m the first person ever to feel that way, I know. But now it’s Friday, I wore jeans to work, I had a seat to myself on the trolley – life’s alright. Here are five things that have been going on in my “alright” life, and none of them involve amusement parks but DON”T WORRY – I went to Kennywood on Sunday so that post will be coming up soon, hahahahahalolololugh.

1. Gifts from Gayle

It’s hard to believe that we already passed the one year mark since Gayle left The Law Firm but we all still talk about how we miss her. Me especially because she always brought me tokens of appreciation and it was clear she idol-worshiped me (right Gayle? Don’t deny it). Anyway, several co-workers saw her last week, and she gave them this blingin’ frog ring to bring back to me! (Please ignore my shitty nail polish job. It’s always so dark in our dumb house because Henry won’t put on his electrician belt and install an actual ceiling light in our living room so we have two swag lamps and one stupid floor lamp that is 90% useless so I’m painting my nails in the near-dark with eyes that don’t see well to begin with and wow I just typed a lot of words about my nails and the lighting issues in our house, I’m just that  kind of blogger, should I put ads on my site now too?)

People at work were a mixture of jealous and vomitous because let’s just say some people here don’t like it when I’m favored, haha.

2. Polenta & Envelopes

As a belated birthday thing, I went out to dinner last Saturday with Barb, Jeannie, Wendy and Summer. I let Twitter choose where we were going to go and my friend Lindsay recommended Girasole which is Italian so I figured that would be a safe bet for a collection of varying palates. I was excited because polenta was an option and if you are a LONG TIME READER you might remember when polenta and I went through an intense heavy-petting stage back in, oh, 2007 or 2008. I can’t remember how it started (maybe I should become a long time reader and find out) but Henry was churning out all kinds of polenta-y goodness for me and my co-workers (different job then) were like, “When will it end.”

So I ordered the polenta and, well, I was underwhelmed. I mean, it was delicious! But it wasn’t “writing home from my birthday dinner” levels of amaze, if you know what I mean. In fact, it tasted pretty much like the polenta Henry used to make, but when I told him that, he was like, “Wow,” because the way I said it made it sound like I was disappointed because it tasted like he cooked my dinner and not like I was complimenting him for cooking a dish on the same levels as some super-beloved Italian spot.

I think I just had order-remorse because Wendy and Barb both got pasta dishes that looked so great and Jeannie had a fish special which made me crave seafood, but whatever, I also had a peach bellini and a slice of fucking fantastic lemon cake so that made up for it.

Meanwhile, during dinner, the subject of my cards came up because I gave Summer one of my Hello Hanguk business cards so that the beautiful kpop idols on it could keep her distracted because that’s just what every 3-year-old wants to do, be stuck at a restaurant with her mom’s dumb friends. Barb said, “I think it’s so funny that you’re just now starting to offer envelopes with your cards” and I was like, “OMG that’s just a joke, I’ve always offered envelopes!” and now I’m wondering if other people think the same thing?!

The reason I put such faux-emphasis on the envelope portion of my Etsy listings is because when I first selling cards, I never mentioned that they came with an envelope because I felt that it was implied, but then I got several inquiries, like, “Does this card come with envelope or nah?” and it just became a schtick after that, purely for my own benefit of course. For example, “This educational card comes with an envelope, because the last time I tried to mail something in an eggshell, it never made it.” And on my Patty Hearst card: “Comes with an envelope that can be fashioned into a beret with some intermediate Origami skill and an unruly imagination.” It’s honestly my favorite part about creating Etsy listings!

3. Poor Lidding

Yesterday, when I was walking into work, I noticed that I had a wet spot on the thigh of my jeans, and then once I got to my desk, I realized it was because THE FOOD HENRY GAVE ME WAS LEAKING INSIDE MY WORK BAG!!!! I put the plastic bag down on my desk and pool of broth immediately formed, so then I had to cautiously carry the bag into the kitchen, drop it in the kitchen sink, and rinse all the containers off I WAS SO ANGRY! Goddamn you, Henry! Luckily, my container of watermelon was unscathed, but the culprit was the ramen he made me before I left for work so now there was no broth left and that’s when I realized that this happened because HE PUT THE WRONG LID ON IT! How did he make a mistake like this when he is supposed to be such a great house wife?! Oh, I was ranting and raving about this to everyone within earshot.

“I just had a lid situation the other day!” Margie the new-ish admin person said, trying to make me feel better I guess because my fragility is no secret around the office. “But I had no one to blame but myself.”

“Yeahhhhh,” I said thoughtfully. “That’s why I don’t do anything myself.”

And Margie laughed but Lauren, who was sitting behind her, knew it was true.

Also, my banana was in that fucking bag and I thought it was OK but halfway through it, I hit a spot where the broth had seeped through the peel and look, I love gochujang A LOT (so much that I screamed WHAT!?!?!?!?!? when Henry told me that we were out of it when he served me my gochujang-less dinner tonight; I think this is the first time we’re been out of the ‘jang since 2016!?) but apparently not on a banana. FUCK.

4. Emarosa, boy-ohs.

Emarosa’s back, baybays! Their new album hasn’t been released yet but they’re hitting the road this November and I’m so happy because it’s been a year since I saw them last which seems like a normal amount of time but not when we were spoiled with multiple Emarosa shows a year from 2015-2017! Anyway, tickets went on sale today and we got some and it’s kind of weird to be excited about western for a minute!

Conversely, a time recently when I was NOT excited about western music was the other day when I came home from work and suddenly our TV kicked over to YouTube and a fucking NICKELBACK VIDEO started playing. Henry was like, “It has to be Chooch” but he wasn’t home so were like WHY IS THIS HAPPENING but I knew it had to be him because he’s the ultimate troll of the household (OK I’m pretty good at it too). Later on, he strolled through the front door and casually said, “Did I hear Nickelback playing over here earlier?!” Turns out that little fucker was next door at Blake’s so he was within range of being able to control the TV and I hate him.

5. FBI Has Your Unabomber Card

That’s what the subject line of an email said the other night and I started panicking like OMG am I going to jail???

But then I realized it was an email from my friend Kristen who has a friend who bought serial killer cards from me in the past and had her neighbors over for dinner one night. The neighbors work for the FBI so the topic of serial killers came up and she showed them my cards AND TURNS OUT one of them worked on the Unabomber case back in the day and loved my Unabomber card and asked to keep it!

I was telling Aaron about this at work today and he was like, “So what you’re saying is that you’re on a federal watch list now. It was nice knowing you!” and I laughed but then I went back to my desk and texted Henry, “OMG AM I GOING TO BE ON A FEDERAL WATCH LIST NOW” and he was like, “…………probably not?”

But still, what a strange and funny story! Thank you for sharing, K!

Anyway, here’s a link to that card if you want one!

At some point today we will be in Indiana, and I promised to do part of the driving so I won’t be able to liveblog. So instead, I guess have a Friday Five featuring things I’m currently into or thoughts that are glomming onto my brain. It’s a Friday free-for-all.

1. Jonghyun Pins & Making Friends

I saw this Jonghyun tribute pin a few weeks on Instagram and immediately bought one. In some small way, it makes me feel comforted to have it, you know? Anyway, I noted that the seller is also from Pittsburgh so I got really excited and messaged her that I am also from Pittsburgh, hoping that she would read the invisible words that trailed after which said in desperate font PLEASE BE MY FRIEND. She did not pick up on this though and simply replied with, “haha small world! Enjoy the pin!” So I was like HENRY WHAT SHOULD I DO because my social skills are about as dried up as the remnants of my dead plants that I still haven’t thrown away. Henry of course was no help because he doesn’t care about making friends so I waited a few days and messaged her again with a hopefully-not-psycho-sounding suggestion of meeting up for coffee & Kpop talk sometime and she was like “Cool! I’m actually leaving to go back to college soon but I’ll let you know when I’m back in town again” and I don’t know why I’m surprised that she is probably nearly 20 years younger than me, sigh.

But then, while I think about how nice it would be to have a friend here in the city who shares my interests, does it really matter all THAT much? I like all my friends here whether they like the same shit as me or not. And I think it’s kind of cool that all of my friends are so different from me when it comes to interests and hobbies.

2. The new Hands Like Houses single

I can’t tell you how many alerts I get about new music from bands I used to love, and I’m like “I’ll check that out later” and do I?! NO! Just like when friends are like “You should watch [insert American Tv show]” and do I? NO! Because I have reached a point where I almost despise hearing the English language, how messed up is that?! I made it through one episode of Sharp Objects and it was fine but I never went back because it felt strange to not be reading subtitles or hearing that certain Korean dialect that has become more familiar to me than my own language. Anyway, my point is, when I saw Hands Like Houses had a new video, I actually did watch it right away and, not surprisingly, I loved it because I have loved everything that HLH has ever done. Some of the reasons I love them is because:

• They sound like no other band
• Trenton manages to keep his Australian accent while singing and I LOVE that
• They’re from Canberra which is where I went to see the Cure for the first time!
• One of the guys in the band bears such a strong resemblance to a young Tim Curry and has always looked so overcome with joy every time I’ve seen him on stage and it just makes me so happy!

https://youtu.be/BUp03PaFIkU

3. Cats Are Movin’ On Up

Remember sometime last winter when Chooch constructed a shoddy cat condo out of a bunch of cardboard boxes? And we had to beg Henry not to throw it away every Garbage Day? Well, that thing was so busted after awhile that even I was starting to turn against it. And then, the actual cat tower we had BROKE which really isn’t that shocking because it was nearly 20 years old. I bought it for my Original 4 Cats when I was going on the aforementioned Canberra, Australia trip because I was trying to make them less sad that I was leaving (they didn’t care at all in reality) so it ended up just sitting in the basement for years until we got Drew and Penelope and wondered if they would use it. Drew ended up loving it! Penelope notsomuch. So when it broke two weeks ago, Drew was like WHY DO YOU HATE ME.

I talked Henry into buying this fancy cat tower from Chewy and he did but ONLY because he had a coupon for it, he is such a tightwad. When it was delivered last week, Chooch and I begged Henry to assemble it straight away and he was like DO YOU NOT WANT DINNER THEN and I was like OH LOL I MEANT AFTER YOU MAKE DINNER.

At first, Drew was hesitant but now she is like “I can’t believe you guys had me loafing in that cat shanty when this palace was out there all along.”

Even Penelope plays on it! (though it’s harder for her to get on it since she is a jumping dunce).

And made a special Jimin VIP room! Henry was like WHY IS JIMIN IN THERE because he has no imagination and doesn’t believe in cat tower interior design. Cool. Cool cool cool, Henry.

(Hive five to anyone who read that in Melissa Joan Hart’s voice. CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL VIBES!)

4. Pittsburgh Jesus

A few months ago, I was walking past the Steel Plaza trolley entrance when I looked over and I swear to god I saw Jesus Christ himself emerging from the little park area next to it. He was illuminated by rays of sunlight, even. This was Jesus, for sure, and not even the emblazoned-on-a-grilled-cheese version.

But then my eyes adjusted to the blinding light and I realized it was just a homeless guy.

I suppose this is something I could have sent a Greetings from Erin’s Lunch Break about but the truth is that I haven’t SENT A SINGLE ONE because I lost all motivation and also because I spend almost all of my lunch breaks on the phone with my therapist (lol, his name is Henry) because I am a crazy person who needs help and Henry lets me yell.

Anyway! I saw him again one time when I was leaving work after one of my late shifts and as I got in the car I hoarsely whispered to Henry, “There he is! The guy I thought was Jesus!” and Henry was like, “….that fat black guy?”

Ugh no behind him!

Luckily, I saw him again the other day and had the perfect opportunity to snap a pic because he was just casually standing on the steps right by my building.

Honestly, I felt blessed.(FRIDAY FIVE INTERLUDE: We just left Loving Hut somewhere outside of Columbus and we are ragging on Henry to the point where Chooch just barfed up a mouthful of Strawberry Smoothie To Go and I just screamed because Pawn Shop is closed and I had fake-convinced myself that I wanted to stop there after we ate, and Henry just called us assholes.)

5. COCO where’d you GOGO

Hey guys Chooch and I helped a guy find his lost dog while we were on our nightly neighborhood walk the other night. Just another day being hometown heroes, no biggie.

We first saw Coco leering back at us from the end of the sidewalk we were walking down. I got scared and turned around at first because you never know what you’re gonna get with a leashless dog! But then she ran around the corner and we were like LETS SEE WHERE SHE WENT and then some older man was all COCO! COCO! Ugh Peg left the GATE open! I’m going to YELL at her!

We were like SIR ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A DOG CUZ WE SAW ONE and he was like YES WHERE and Chooch put on his Dog Detective hat and pointed the way. We kind of stood there helplessly for a while and then I was like “This is awkward, Kid. Let’s split.”

But when we walked up to the next street, we saw some teenage girl slowly chasing a dog through her yard, yelling things to a man on the porch like “It has a harness on!” And I was like THAT MUST BE COCO so I had her and Chooch Lee an eye on her while I ran through the alley to find the man who looked like Harry Potter’s uncle, and I frantically yelled, “Mister we found your dog!” And he asked his neighbor lady if he could hop in her car and they took off to the street I pointed to and I ran back through the alley to find that Chooch and the girl were still blocking Coco but then right when the car rolled up, she bolted deeper into the bowels of Brookline and the girl screamed PAP, GET HER! So now the girl’s pap was party of the search party and the owner got out of the car with the leash while the neighbor lady (who I thought was Peg at first and wondered if she had already gotten yelled at but turns out she was just a nice neighbor who was helping Harry Potter’s uncle who was in NO SHAPE to be trying to lasso Coco on his own) crept slowly after Coco in her car while the rest of us walk-ran in order to not spook Coco into running faster.

OH FRIENDS it was a whole ordeal. But we finally cornered her and the girl was able to grab onto Coco’s harness while Harry Potter’s uncle clobbered over to us with the leash, panting and on the verge of a coronary.

We all bid each other a jovial adieu and then Chooch and I ran home and walked Henry up to tell him that we were hometown heroes once again and he mumbled “I’m so sure” and then fell back asleep.

Last night during our walk, I pointed things out to Henry like the bush where the girl was first trying to catch Coco and the alley where I ran down to tell the owner I found her and Henry was straight sneering on the backseat of a bus to Frown Town.

“It was a really big deal, Henry. You had to be there,” I huffed.

“I doubt it,” he muttered.

“If Brookline had a newsletter, it would have been in there!” I yelled haughtily, but by then his bus had reached its miserable stop at the corner of Scowl Street in Frown Town so he was no longer listening.

And that’s all for this week’s Friday Five! It’s 9:04pm and we’re still in Ohio, to the point where I’m not convinced that Henry hasn’t turned around at some point without me knowing and we’re actually headed back to Pittsburgh.