Guest Post – Page 2 – Oh Honestly, Erin

Chooch Does Haunts, Part 4

Nov 112015

Sewickley Haunted Church

We were going to 2 Haunted Houses on the day before Halloween. We were hungry so we stopped at Taco bell. There was a huge commotion going on. A mom and her kids were here. The kids were acting up so she was yelling at them IN THE MIDDLE of Taco Bell. They were dressed up and I’m guessing they were going to a Halloween Party. Then we ordered and sat down where we wanted to sit. It looked like there were 2 guys and a girl all dressed up like they were in a band. Mommy got excited, of course she did.

When we got to the first one, ITS THE TITLE. There were a couple mini games. It was PING PONG TOSS, Ring Toss, Tick Tac Toe, and a hockey game. I mostly played Ping Pong Toss, because I was good at it. Since I could make a shot from the other side of the room I was called savage by a about 12 yr old. No seriously he did. I tried Ring Toss but it was way too easy for me. I played PING PONG for about 30 minutes and It and I got really famous.

Mommy saw a guy dressed up as Jason and she said he was hot. She told me this today because I didn’t know. Also when we went in the actual haunted part they asked for our names and it was actually accurate because boys can be named Erin and girls can be named Riley. Yeah I said I was Erin and mommy said she was Riley. It was a carnival part. There was a huge Jack in the box and when it popped it hit mommy in the face and one of the guys touched her back on accident. There was a butcher part next and there were human body parts, not real ones, you freak!

It was really good, the HAUNTED HOUSE , not the flesh! Me and mommy went back in to say it was better than last year. Then they said we can come back for a Worship Concert. Me and mommy played it cool and as soon as we walked out the door we said WTF! ~.~

Haunted Expeditions

There is really nothing to write about because we weren’t noticed at all. The Spookers completely ignored us and we were really excited to go because it was awesome last year. But nope they changed areas so it was in a corn field. It was so %$#@*&! stupid this year. Last year there was no groups AND it was in a forest, and this year it had groups and it was out in the open so you could see what was going to happen and the group behind us kept catching up and we were invisible! OMG! We need to go to a better haunted house. Thank god we went to the Church one the same day because that made up.

There was 6 other people in our group that were in three so like friends of 3. They all became friends and when we went to the chainsaw part you could hear the f^&*$#@ chainsaw in the house so you knew what was going to happen. We got in there and the other people in our group were all standing there like “WHATRE WE GONNA DOOOO!?” like idiots. There was a curtain to exit right there and they were all blocking it. MOMMY ditched me and left me in the house with the ding dongs and idiots. And f$%^&*@ chainsaw smoke so I was dying in there. It was the end of the f%&^$#@ sh&$% a$$ haunted house for this year.

When we got in the car mommy and daddy were talking about how stupid it was. Then I said “Its like when you buy a Barbie doll and It comes with a hairbrush accessory. And you never use the hairbrush, COMPLETELY IGNORED!” then they laughed. Since me and mommy were so hungry and wanted dessert we stopped at Kings since it was on the way home. And daddy went to pee so I took mommy’ phone and took a picture of him peeing. So that was our awesome, epic/HORRIBLE day!

Chooch Does Haunts, Part 2

chooch, Guest Post, haunted houses

Oct 182015

Demon House

Ok! Hello. Well we went to Demon house on Friday and we went with Janna. But half way there God forbid Janna had to take a SH**! Ok so when we got there It was kind of chilly. But there was a fire pit! We had a group but I wanted a group so we got one! In the group was a dad a mom and a daughter, Hanna. Ugh, Mommy says I have a crush on her. She cried through most of it and she had makeup on so you could see the mascara ink run down her face. So there was a “Really Dark Maze” That wasn’t a maze at all because it was just a zigzag tunnel. So Janna led us and we had to follow but it was ok because Janna’s not scared of anything.

So half way in the Dining room there was a blanket covering everything. So I had a feeling a ghost was going to come out. But the dad tried to look for a way out and the ghost followed cause’ it didn’t want us to leave. So then the ghost got tired of being with us so it showed us the way out. Through a bookcase. So then we were in a Carnival part and the Carnival Ringmaster came out and made me, Me, ME! Throw a ball threw a hole. I made it touch the hole but the ball was to big for the hole. So then we had to go through a CLOWN part. God Forbid Clowns! K, then on the way to the parking lot we had to take a shuttle and ride to it. Me and mommy sat down and then this smoker girl and guy who wanted to kill himself because he thought she was so freaking annoying sat across from us. But then we realized they were on a date, TO A HAUNTED HOUSE! WTF? They could go anywhere and they picked a haunted house? Wow! On the way off of the shuttle, the lady said “YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY.” Me and mommy laughed.

The Shadows

K hope you read the Demon House part because it was funnay!!!! So the next day on Saturday (the day before the PIE PARTAY!) Daddy was baking so he couldn’t drive so mommy had to drive, and you know how bad she is at finding things with the GPS. But that’s not the thing. Me and mommy got lost because… Oh wait let me tell you where we went, lol! We went to The Shadows. The GPS took us somewhere completely different. It took us in the middle of the road and said you’re here! Ugh so annoying. So then after about 10 minutes of looking we finally found it! I thought we would get lost forever because the GPS died. ); . So then we saw a fake dead cat and it got so famous. People were taking pictures and touching it.

In line me and mommy were talking about Ju-on (AKA The Grudge) and the stars and how they were formed into illuminati. But yeah um. Oh when we were walking in the trail we saw a girl. Well I saw a girl standing at the end and mommy was too busy looking at a tree. Lol! Oh probably because there was a guy standing there but everyone knows the kids are scarier. So then the tree monster came out and spooked mommy. Then at the end we caught up to the group in front of us and the chainsaw guy came after them and not us but mommy still got spooked when he said “Hey what are you doing!?!?”

I liked it.

Dark View

Yesterday on Saturday we went to Dark view in Ohio. But the best part happened before we got there when the GPS told us to go through an industrial area which mommy almost puked because she hates industrial areas. But when we got there it was freezing cold and the parking guy dude asked us if we had any alcohol, marijuana, weapons, or any sort of drug. I had a paper gun and I said “What if he thought it was real?” Then when we parked I asked mommy “Can I have my marijuana yet?” Lol! Then we saw this devil guy with beaver or squirrel shoulder pads and a cane. Mommy wanted me to get a picture with him. So I did. Then in the line there were two parts and we didn’t know which part we needed to do. So then we picked the smaller one. Then a lady came and asked “How was it?”. We said “We didn’t do it yet.” So then she told us to go do the bigger one first.

So we did and in the line for that I said if daddy got scared he could do Kawaii! But he wouldn’t get scared because he’s “THE MAN!” . When we got inside the actual haunted house part daddy almost peed his pants because he got spooked of the talking portrait that was yelling at the old lady who brought us in the house. I don’t really remember what he said but I do know he said something about taking his house. After that part we went into a library I think and the librarian was screaming and I was this close = to saying no screaming in the library. Then we got to a graveyard part and some camouflage guy got up from the ground and spooked mommy. The part after that was a garage and the guy in there was trying to build a birdhouse so then he asked who here knows how to build a birdhouse I pointed at daddy. He asked him how many can you make in an hour. Daddy said 2. I said you can make way more than 2.

Then we got into a bathroom and the girl in there said mommy wasn’t potty trained yet and some other dude needed to take a bath because she didn’t want him stinking up the house. Then she made us smell some weird smelly thing. Nobody liked the smell but me. ): The we ran into a doll room and the bathroom girl was trapped inside the wall. The dolls didn’t do anything. After that we went into a dining room with food on the table. The girl there said whos hungry well I was was so I said I was. But she didn’t feed me anything. ); Then her husband “chainsaw dude” chased us out of the house. I didn’t run. Mommy pushed me into the wall. Then in the “small house” we got in and it was like fisherman and hunter room. I had a feeling daddy wanted to go fishing after the haunted house.

Then we had to get our picture and I looked creepy as hell. Then he said he wanted to shoot one of us and we he did the lights turned off and a really loud speaker with a shotgun sound went off. But then it was just a butcher that wanted to butcher someone so me and daddy pushed mommy into him. But he ended up not butchering her. Then it was just a sort of outside thing with another camouflage guy a guy going to hang himself and he tied the rope around his neck and it magically untied. Then it was just some more outside and then a maze. The maze had a chainsaw guy and me and mommy lost daddy. BUT THEN ANOTHER CAMOUFLAGE GUY WAS THERE. Daddy went a whole different way then us because the chainsaw guy was blocking him so he didn’t want go with us. Then we froze to death. I loved it and it was worth driving that far even though we had to go through the freaking black forest in Ohio.

Goodnight Mommy: Chooch’s Review

chooch, Guest Post

Sep 272015

No Spoilers Ahead: Me mommy and Corey went to see Goodnight Mommy. Corey was late so we couldn’t get a mask. They were handing out masks because it was the mask the twin boys wore to scare their mom. Their mom had plastic surgery and they wanted their mom back because they thought she was acting differently. They looked like our friend Kara’s son Harland but older.

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So Kara should be scared. When it was over I said that wasn’t scary that was sad. It wasn’t English it was German. But don’t worry it had subtitles. I almost fell down the stairs but that doesn’t matter. You could sometimes see the moms man boobs sometimes. That’s when I covered my eyes. Mommy had to cover her eyes sometimes, too. But I’m not going to say why because that would be a spoiler. I didn’t understand the movie it was strange and creepy. After mommy and Corey explained what it was about I understood it.

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I was sad mommy was scared. We saw it at the Hollywood Theatre in Dormont.

I would recommend this movie to people who aren’t pregnant or have kids. There was no funny parts all creepy.

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The movie is abusive.

I was the only kid there! (; If I had a kid I wouldn’t bring them to see this movie. Just saying. But you suit you. I’m not your MOM.

Henry’s Vacation Recap

Guest Post, Henrying, Southern Road Trip, Tourist Traps, travel

Aug 122015

I have so much wow to bring you guys right now. I’m sitting here with Henry J. and he is going to tell me his HIGHLIGHTS and LOWLIGHTS of our vacation, at which point I will TYPE WHAT HE IS SAYING.

We have nothing better to do. Pretty Little Liars is over for the season.

Here I am waiting for Erin, Octavia and Chooch to figure out where Forrest Gump’s bench used to be.

HENRY’S HIGHLIGHTS

the cottage at King’s Creek Plantation
morning trips for breakfast and coffee for “my babies” (because they weren’t with me)
meeting Octavia
(I suggested when Henry got to talk about moss at the Bonaventure Cemetery but he just gave me an annoyed look, so I guess…no.)
talking about the SERVICE with someone who was actually interested (Octavia)
watching Erin and Chooch play tennis and realizing that those two can’t do anything together without fighting. And Erin is way too* competitive.
getting to have grits with every meal.
the breakfast that Octavia’s husband Dustin made us
- these were the best grits of the whole trip

*(Henry is mad because I spelled this correctly.)

attempting to teach Chooch to swim even though in his mind he knows how to already.
Busch Gardens
- I didn’t have a favorite ride. I only rode three things and liked all three.
Watching a couple fight at the rest stop in Virginia while their kids ran amok.
Seeing a drunk girl at breakfast in Charlotte and watching her get kicked out.
Finding out that Jonny Craig’s band Slaves broke up.
buying peach and muscadine cider at a convenience store in Georgia
Mayberry
Almost having to go to a show when Erin found out a band she likes was playing in Charlotte but thank god we were on our way home
Watching Chooch writhe during dinner in Pulaski because of the girls at the table near us who were looking at him and giggling, and then the oldest one telling him he had nice hair.
WHEN HOT NAYBOR CHRIS CALLED ME WHEN WE WERE IN WILSON, NC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111
GETTING TO LISTEN TO ALL OF ERIN’S AWESOME MUSIC AND TALK ABOUT WARPED TOUR FOR 7 DAYS STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111

HENRY’S MIDLIGHTS (?)

the African village in South Carolina
boiled peanuts. I didn’t really get to try them because I was driving forever.
Dale Earnhardt museum
South of the Border – getting to take a selfie in front of a giant gorilla.

HENRY’S LOWLIGHTS (and I’m not talking about the gray in his beard, you guys)

driving to Virginia for 7 hours with Erin and Chooch.
then driving 10 hours to Savannah
the 14 hour drive home because of Erin’s “detours”
Tortuga’s Island Grill in Thunderbolt, GA —> Erin’s birthday breakdown and Chooch’s “You don’t love me” breakdown. God forbid I should say anything to anybody.
Looking for the post office in Orangeburg, SC
Learning that Jonny Craig’s band Slaves did not actually break up.
Pulaski, VA (thanks, Octavia!)
- Erin almost died. (I just said, “I didn’t almost die there…?” and Henry snapped, “Yeah, when I almost killed you.”)
Driving back into Savannah after we had already left because Erin supposedly forgot to buy postcards and a magnet when we were there for 8 hours walking around the day before.
Mayberry
Not buying enough peanuts while we were down there
the overpriced ghost tour in Williamsburg

Here I am being a land shark in Savannah!

Gone Fishin’: Here’s a Guest Post!

Guest Post, Uncategorized

Jul 282015

I was going to ask if anyone wanted to blog about their favorite cabbage-centric recipes while I’m away this week, like this Best of Deutschland plate I saw at the Festhaus in Busch Gardens today, complete with a hearty wad of kraut, but my track record at wrangling guest posters is pretty abysmal. However, a new blog friend wrote something even better than a dumb recipe, so please enjoy a guest post by fellow Pittsburgh blogger, Matt Pritt! We have just recently been acquainted and I’m really enjoying learning about him through his blog, and the fact that he worked in radio is sickeningly interesting to me!

***************

At this point in time Art Bell might say “The end times are nigh”, what with you coming here expecting words from Erin, Chooch or Henry, though he seems to be of few words. I imagine your level of disappointment would be comparable to all of those guys who had information stored on the Ashley Madison website right about now.

Truth be told, you should be worried that I am here because I come with an Internet robe and sickle. Think I am kidding, I have had three different social Internet platforms die off in my 10 years of blogging. First there was Yahoo 360, yahoo’s venture into social media. A surprisingly user friendly platform, Yahoo decided to scrap it when they thought they could take on Facebook. How is everyone’s Yahoo mash page doing these days? Next on deck for my internet kiss of death was Multiply, another of the user friendly type blogging sites. They thought that they could make money by being the next eBay of Indonesia ( “Jarkarta, hello!” Bonus points if you got the Larry King reference.). Then there was my ever so brief foray into podcasting, which went hand in hand with my time in radio ( more on that in a moment) and a beautiful little site called Imeem, which was bought out by MySpace and we all see how successful MySpace has been. So the fact I am here could mean bad things, very bad things indeed.

As for who I am, well I’m Troy McClure, you may remember me from such past blogs as…….., sorry I couldn’t resist, sometimes, most times actually I do this to entertain myself. Actually my name is Matt Pritt, if you know me, allow me to apologize now for whatever I have done to offend you. If my name rings a bell, and it might for some, I used to be in radio, working as a producer of radio shows by Jerry Bowyer, Lynn Cullen and the late Doug Hoerth. If you have never been a fan of talk radio, don’t start now, there is no point in getting sucked into that cesspool. It is a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. Go feed the poor or save a whale or something, you will feel much better about your time spent than by listening to talk radio. That is not to speak ill of the people I worked with, I am still friends with all of them, but the process is such that you spend three hours a day saying how right your side is regarding an issue and how the other guy is so wrong and it becomes an emotionally taxing experience.

As for outside of radio, I have been a blogger for over a decade now, though for the most part I have a level of disdain for calling blogging work. I admit that some people use the platform as an extension of their craft, and for them a blog might be work related, but for me it has always been the illusion of work, that by sitting down and banging out an entry or two I have accomplished something, when, truth be told, there are far more productive things I could be doing with my time. I do this because I like it, which I am sure is the same excuse my father used after marriage number 5.

I am a late comer to the Oh Honestly Erin party, so I am learning as I go. Our musical tastes differ slightly, my favorite radio station from back in the day ( us old folks are allowed to say “back in the day”, as well as “get off my lawn” ) was WXXP, you know Pittsburgh’s station that dares to be different, or at least different for the 2 years of its existence, but that too suffered a kiss of death ( my robe and sickle please ). Though they do still exist on a 365 live stream some place, and a reunion show is planned according to their Facebook page ( perhaps an Affordable Floors performance if I may make a suggestion ) but that was the good old days folks, when candy bars cost a quarter and places like the Electric Banana, the Upstage and the Decade were still in existence.

What else is there to say? I am 46 years old, my face’s resting position is a scowl ( thanks for the line Amy Schumer, check out her interview from Ellen, it is hilarious ) and I am the general manager of Smithfield News, which I jokingly say is downtown Pittsburgh’s largest purveyor of pig’s feet. It’s funny because it’s true. At current rate we may end up being the oldest store downtown, provided my robe and sickle doesn’t get in the way of that as well.

If blogging were professional wrestling, my intro music would be “Cause I Said So” by The Godfathers, but thankfully it isn’t, readers of this page have enough trouble keeping up with the musical comings and goings without my dropping obscure 80s references into the mix.

Anyway I hope I didn’t scare anyone away with my nonsensical drivel. Time to turn the page back over to its rightful owner. I am outtie, like a belly button.

Werped Ter with Chooch

chooch, Guest Post, holidays, music

Jul 142015

Hello world. This is Chooch and I’m going to tell you about what I did at Warped Tour. The first half, Erin.Is.Bae will do the second.

Part I: Pvris

I met Lynn Gunn at Warped Tour and I was so happy. I wanted to do that all day. And it was towards the end I met her. I was lucky because I was going to be the last person in line but someone begged the guy to go behind me. Because he didn’t want to look like a jerk in front of me. So I was 10x more happier. She’s in a band named PVRIS and they’re my number 1 favorite Band. They aren’t that old of a band they are pretty new. They’re from Boston.

Part II: NSN

I also enjoyed watching NeverShoutNever they were good. A lot of girls probably cried but I couldn’t hear over the noise. He used to have brown hair but now he has blonde hair. If you like BryanSTARS (Who does?) you might know he did a interview with Chris like about 2 years ago and Chris said that he didn’t want to answer bullshit questions to Bryan and he cried. It was actually sad.

Part III: We Came As Romans

I loved them! I saw them at my FIRST Warped Tour. I really want to meet them but I cant because they wont do a meeting*.

*(Erin here: I think they did do a meeting but it conflicted with something I wanted to do. And what I want to do trumps all.)

You should listen to them right now! Here’s a link to my favorite song:

I’m listening to them right now while I’m writing this. I really like them.

Part IV: Bradley

I met Bradley from Emarosa and mommy cried because she touched him. Also when we watched them people were making out behind me and I was really mad. His arms all warm and his hair was wet because shitty weather has to happen. I also told him that he’s better than Jonny. (In case you don’t know who Jonny is he used to be the singer of Emarosa and mommy liked him and now hes a douchebag and in a band named Slaves.)

VI: Merch

Well, I got CDs, shirts, comic book, two water bottles (one that I already broke the very next day and one that’s meant to be taken outside that I got for free by saying SKATER MOM to the people at the Vans tent), and gross stickers that came with a Koo Koo Kanga Roo CD called Gross.

Clearly, now you know why I like to go to Warped Tour: bands, music, meetings, merch!

[Erin.Is.Bae here: I’m gonna owe him a damn cabbage roll now for writing this.]

The Summer Set Concert

chooch, Guest Post, music

Jun 172015

Daddy was so happy when he dropped us off because he didnt have to go. We were in line for an 1hr and 2 cars went in a 1 way lane like right toward each other and it was crazy and then some broad was talking to us about stuff. And I had garbage in my hand when the garbage dude came by and I had to chase him in front of EVERYONE!

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But then another garbage dude came by and I was so embarrassed.

1ST we saw Nick Santino. Kellen Quinn was watching it and the girls in front of us saw him first and then 3 seconds later everyone saw him. I liked his music it was cool and he did a cover of Nirvana.

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Kellen said “F***!” and Nick said “That’s a f****** bad word Kellen.”

2nd We saw The Summer Set and first they played Maybe Tonight. I sang along to every song but it was the song Legendary when Pittsburgh f***** up and didn’t sing the part. Legendary was the last song and I was so happy. I had to pee so I went to the bathroom with mommy because I didn’t know where the bathroom was. And when I went in the bathroom Josh the guitarist for The Summer Set was in there and if it was Brian Logan Dales the singer I would be like OMG WOW WOW OMG. So when we went back upstairs we lost our spot so we went in the back to watch Sleeping With Sirens. Oh yeah almost forgot when during The Summer Set Brian said look around around you and I waved at some girl. Oh yeah and when Kellen came out for Sleeping With Sirens everyone screamed and my ears started to bleed. Then I got 2 shirts and McDonald’s since it was right next to the Altar Bar.

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Oh yeah it was my first time at the Altar Bar and it was fun.

50 Things We Like About Our Senior, Henry.

chooch, Guest Post, Henrying, holidays, Things About Henry

Jun 062015

It’s Henry’s 50th birthday! So here are 50 things that Chooch and I love about that big old mustachioed dumdum. (Chooch wrote the title of this, btw.)

Chooch’s 25:

He bitches when I break my headphones: He says I cant get another pair, even though he buys me more.
He buys me stuff: He is such a prince.
He does stuff with me: He’s super nice.
He does stuff for mommy: He is a prince.
He loves us: He doesn’t love anyone else but us Oh yes, almost forgot he loves all his family members.
He buys us food: So we don’t starve to death.
He’s easy to make fun of: Like the times we go on his Instagram.
He cares about our health: When we are sick or hurt he rushes home from work or just gives me medicine.
He never leaves us: Yeah, he might get a little annoyed at us but he doesn’t leave us.
He’s never scared: We always hide from him and try to scare him, but he’s never scared.
He is smart: He knows a lot about nature at the cemetery.
He is strong: He was in the Service so of course he is a strong independent man.
He is practically a hipster: Don’t ask, of course you should know. (Hint: His Beard)
He takes us to concerts: Even though he effing hates it.
He yells at us: Its funny when he said SHUT THE DOOR!
He takes us to Ice Cream shops: Even though he has to get his pants on when he’s comfortable on the couch.
He teaches me stuff: Such as how to ride a bike, and how to swim.
He sometimes is too scared to go in haunted houses: He usually protects us.
He is too scared to go on rides in amusement parks: He might hate amusement parks.
He protects us from almost dying: He always protects us from scary drunk guy who walks on our street.
He gives directions: To very hard things me and mommy are bad at.
He fixes stuff: When mommy or me break something he usually fixes it.
He’s not drunk: He doesn’t drink TOO much beer a day.
He cleans stuff: When he breaks a glass cup or I puke on the floor he cleans it.
His Frowns: He’s famous for his frowns.

Erin’s 25:

He irons my clothes for me so that I don’t cry because I melted another favorite shirt or the entire house.
He procures fruit for me!
He’s not a poser: he doesn’t try to dress “cool” when he goes to concerts.
He has an extensive collection of Faygo uniforms. (Sometimes this is even what he wears to concerts because what does he care.)
He’s not afraid of emasculating himself by drinking SHANDY every now and again even though it’s not REAL BEER.
He takes any DIY idea I throw at him and does it better. (LIKE MY GET STOKED SIGN!)
He goes along with all of my photoshoot ideas, even if it means wearing makeup or a tutu.
He makes me lavender-flavored food & makes really great iced coffee for me even though he is NOT a coffee-drinker.
He supports my serial killer greeting card side business.
He pretty much lets me do whatever I want as long as it doesn’t involve drugs or other guys’ weeners.
He is super good at cooking with seitan and tofu even though he enjoys feasting on animals.
He used to like fishing but then we started dating and I was like *PETA!* *TEARS!* *MURDERER!* *BAD MAN!* so now he doesn’t go fishing anymore.
He LOVES when people need directions because he’s a professional driver and knows all the best routes around town.
He always has time to help his mom.
He always has my back, like when the Catholic moms at Chooch’s old school ganged up on me. (“Well, if they don’t want you to write about them being assholes, then they shouldn’t act like assholes!”)
Sometimes, in the dark, he looks like Bo Brady!
He got my initial tattooed on his finger because I told him to.
He’s OK with the world revolving around me.
He taught me to like vegetables because he felt that, as a vegetarian, I should be eating more than just pizza and grilled cheese.
He probably knows about more bands than your dad, whether he wants to or not.
He’s really good at cutting bangs. (Should I get bangs again?)
He said hi to Jonny Craig one time, lol.
He is so good at crafts and sewing and basic domestic skills, that you would think his mom was a Home Ec teacher back in the day.
He LOVES when people ask him about the Ted Nugent show in the 1980s.
HE WAS IN THE SERVICE. (I don’t care if Chooch already said it. This is an important thing.)

Now I kind of wish I hadn’t shared this with Chooch because I could have easily gone on for another 25, ugh! Like how he entertains my tradition of having Xmas cemetery picnics, takes me all over for concerts even though he typically hates the bands, and he eats funnel cake off the ground because by golly he PAID for it!

Family Massacre

chooch, Epic Fail, Guest Post

May 252015

I had a horrible day while we were going to Sarris Candy’s.

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We were having a normal day until mommy was hungry and wanted to go somewhere so she asked Chris and Monica. Monica said Serena’s so she started this horrible day. First of all daddy and mommy were fighting about that he didn’t want to go to Serena’s even though he did and mommy said that I don’t even like Mexican food even though I said it was alright. This is what its like being in the backseat while they fight: It is dreadful, unhappy, ugly, not funny, annoying, stupid, and not surprising.

So we went back and forth from home to Canonsburg and then Serena’s (It was closed) then back to Sarris and I fell asleep so I don’t know what else happened. When I woke up we were at Mad Mex (By our house. We drove 90mins to somewhere to eat that’s 10mins away.

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). I had a Kiddo Burrito. It was huge!

I didn’t eat it all but I had half. It was freezing in there so I complained that it was freezing. Then at the end I wanted a Sopapilla but I got a Brownie Sundae basically because it was a brownie with ice cream and chocolate fudge. Thanks a lot MONICA! Oh and after that on the way home mommy said she needed to exercise. I said “No you don’t, Mommy.” She thought I was being nice because she wasn’t fat. But the reason why I said that was because she was DRUNK!

ERIN’S VERSION: This all happened because Henry is insensitive to my needs and made some asinine rule where 90% of non-chain restaurants are closed on Sundays. (Even Yelp was like, “Yeah, good luck with that.”) And then he gets snippy with me when I can’t find addresses fast enough and then accuses me of lying about a diner we passed but IT WAS A DINER AND IT WAS OPEN. He was all, “EVEN IF IT EXISTED, YOU WOULD FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT SO I AM NOT TURNING AROUND.” And then CHOOCH is on some fucked up frat boy feeding schedule where he only wants to eat ramen and bowls of cereal at 10PM so he was in the backseat wailing about why did we even HAVE to go to dinner because he wasn’t hungry and just wanted to go shopping for Skylanders and we’re horrible parents for attempting to put basic nourishment over frivolous video game accessories. So don’t think he didn’t contribute to the verbal slayings!

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Also, he named this blog post on his own and I think it’s JUST A BIT HYPERBOLIC, but what do I know about that.

The funniest part of this whole thing is that I wasn’t even really hungry. I WAS JUST IN A BAD MOOD LIKE ALL DAY.

IDIOT HENRY’S VERSION: No comment. [He’s still pissed that we ended up not going to Sarris, because “they have the best rum raisin.” Well, I’m sorry but we were all in a sour mood by then and I’m not walking into a magical candy factory under our black, vitriolic cloak like some gang of madcap cartoon villains!]

Mother’s Day Trip (BONUS!!!: Sticker Book and Sarah)

Amusement Parks, Fairs, & Carnivals, chooch, Guest Post, holidays

May 132015

On Mothers Day we went to Delgrosso’s and I had a fun day. Of course Mommy wanted to go on the Wacky Worm first because she’s obsessed with it. So we went to the bathroom first because if I say I have to go the while we’re there daddy will get pissed. So after the Wacky Worm we went on the Crazy Mouse and a lot of the rides were getting maintenance checked and we waited in line for a while. Since the ride only has 5 carts we went on in like 5minutes. Then mommy and I went on the Music Express and the Umbrellas. Then I got ice cream which was Chocolate Marshmallow and I wanted to go on the Pirate Ship (aka Pharaoh’s Fury) by MYSELF because Daddy never gets a bracelet and mommy didn’t want to get sick because she wanted to go on more rides. While I was in line Daddy was EATING my ice cream and I only had a quarter of it and daddy had half . In line I screamed at him and the people in front of me laughed.

But mommy gets to eat ALL of her ice cream (she just said “Because I’m the best”)

Daddy gave me 1 dollar for 1 game to win on and I picked a game where you have to put BALLS IN A CLOWN’S MOUTH (which sounds so wrong) It was pretty easy minus the fact fact where you have to get 1 ball in each slot. It took me 2 tries to win. I won this CUTE ,PURPLE ,FLUFFY ,DELIRIOUS , AND PRETTY PIG. I won it for mommy and then she said “Oh thanks, you can keep It in your room though.” I was okay with that. We named him Pukey JR. Then mommy and I went on the Tilt-a-Whirl which was under maintenance but we were the first people on the Tilt-a-Whirl since the whole day. It wasn’t a surprise but every time mommy wants to go on the Tilt-a-Whirl she gets sick. The last ride of the day was the Wacky Worm. We had a fun day at Delgrosso’s.

(BONUS!!!) The day before Delgrosso’s daddy and I went to Michael’s then Ulta to get mommy a present for Mothers Day. I really wanted a sticker book for while we are going to Delgrosso’s and in the car for 2 hours. Daddy wondered how much it was I said 13 US DOLLARS and 20 CANADIAN DOLLARS. He said “OH HELL NO I BUY ENOUGH S*** FOR YOU!” I threw a fit the whole way into Ulta and I put on makeup in there and daddy was pissed. On the way back home from Delgrosso’s we went to a restaurant called Valley Dairy. Our waitress was named Sarah and some waiter was basically doing our whole service because Sarah was slow and having a rough ,rough day. (Speaking of having a rough day, Sarah in my class was having a rough day because her nose was bleeding like all day Tuesday and Wednesday.)

Sarah finally came to our service and asked for our order. After dinner I ordered a Clown Sundae and I sadly made fun of it and mommy said Sarah was having a rough day. I liked the sundae though that’s all that matters.

The Most Boring Day Ever

chooch, Epic Fail, Guest Post

Apr 182015

I was trying to call my dad, Henry on a payphone but I didn’t have change. Some girl behind us laughed and It was weird. Oh, and I was singing Payphone by: Maroon 5. Mommy said I was a mess and dirty so mommy kept yelling at me. Also before we went on the T a bee flew past my face and I got scared it was going to sting me like another dickhead bee did when I was walking home from school with my mom. And I went to Sunoco with Mark and his mom. Sunoco never had a Shake and Smoothie machine so I got a smoothie. It was a really good Strawberry Banana Smoothie. It was $3.05 and Daddy only gave me $2.21 for Sunoco. So Mark’s mom had to pay for the rest. When I got home, I told mommy that I didn’t have enough money for the smoothie so Mark’s mom had to pay the rest. Mommy gave me $2.00 to give to Mark’s mom. Because she didn’t want her to thing we are mooches. And on the T there was a little girl who couldn’t wait to sit next to me she was looking at my phone, too.

It was the Anime Convention in Pittsburgh, PA and Daddy probably had a CRUSHY on this girl in a PRETTY dress, O.O! I was sort of bored and my legs were tired I felt like I was going to collapse. When ever I walk for a long time my legs start to wobble.

Daddy is a misbehaved, and idiotic Dad. He goes to Ice Cream places and beer stores because he likes beer. I really don’t know what else to say about him that’s really it.

Big Fat Cow P3n1s and The Rug With B00bies! 0.0

chooch, Guest Post

Mar 072015

One time on March 6, me and daddy went to Shop n’ Save and daddy got a Pork loin and it looked like a Big Fat Cow P3n1s. I was sort of grossed out. But then he asked a guy to cut it 1 inch. The guy was like 0.0. And I was like );. So the guy cut it 1 inch. His shirt was clean but when he came out from cutting it. HE MUST OF CUT IT GOOOOOOD D:! Because he was all bloody. But we left after that and when we got home. I told mommy all about it. We laughed!

Today mommy showed me the rug she wants to get. It’s a rug that has a devil on a throne and two naked ladies. I don’t want to have it in our house but mommy does. I said what if grandma comes over. She’ll be like “Oh Joey do you approve of this! I said no B00bies until you’re 50! I’m going to spank your a$$!” That’s what grandma calls him Joey instead of Henry. Apparently because there’s already a Henry in the family so they call him Joey.

Henry’s Titillating Pierce the Veil Review

Guest Post, Henrying, music

Feb 172015

Preshow: We left early so we could stop and eat and drink before the show. It was early enough that when we got to Rivertown restaurant it was still happy hour, only I happened to be in the bathroom when the waitress explained the specials to Erin, and when I got back of course she didn’t listen to them or she did and chose not to tell me, then she made us leave early, because ” show starts at 6″ she said, only the doors opened at 6. So I lost a half an hour of cheap drafts, damn her already! So all I got was 2 wheat beers and a pizza, no time to try anything else.

Standing in line: Got to stand in line for the next hour behind the most annoying “rocker mom”, who at the old age of 39 had done everything possible when it comes to concerts, at least thats what she was telling the little 16 year olds that were around her, fawning over her every word. Thanks again Erin.

PVRIS: Needs work on singing live.Good on their CD.

[Ed. Note: Strongly disagree with this assessment. Lynn had me at hello. Or whatever her first word was. But apparently Henry the Voice Coach knows all.]

Mallory Knox: Didn’t really do anything for me. Was too busy wishing I could sit up in the balcony with the other parents, Erin said I could if I wanted to, that really means do it and Ill never let you live it down, ever. So I grabbed another beer and stuck it out.

Sleeping with Sirens: Kellin Quinn still cant sing live, they just play the music louder to drown him out.Opening of the show was cool. I believe it was after this set that Erin had a can that she wanted to throw away in the garbage can that was over the railing right in front of her, maybe a foot way. She waited for the guy that was in front of it to move, shot and missed, making the girl on the steps to walk down and pick it up, shooting Erin the evil eye the whole time, way to go.

[Ed.Note: Untrue. That girl was looking at me with utter veneration and reverence, because she recognized that I am a PTV Elder-Fan. We are a rare breed, few and far between, practically Scene Unicorns. Kids stutter in our presence.]

Pierce the Veil: Seen them many times good as always!

Favorite PTV song: Not sure , Don’t know the names of any of them. Since the names have nothing to do with the songs, I’m too old to memorize that shit.

Spencer’s V-Day Flick Picks

Guest Post, holidays

Feb 132015

Hi guys! Entertainment blogger Spencer is back to give you some gritty alternatives to the standard rom-com flicks you might be queuing up for the big V-day.

****

Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful thing, between spending time with your significant other, celebrating your love, chocolate… However, it’s a very stressful day for many of us who find ourselves rushing to get reservations, picking apart nearly empty store displays for the perfect card, and praying that we got our SO a gift they’ll actually like. It can be, well, a horror.

So, instead of opting for a traditional, sappy, Valentine’s Day movie to watch, why not opt for something a bit grittier? We already know that celebrating the unconventional side of the Holidays can be an enjoyable experience, so why not do the same for Valentine’s Day? Here are some V-Day flicks to get your heart racing in an entirely different way.

The Birds

This Hitchcock film features the classic story of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, then boy and girl get attacked by flocks of blood thirsty crows! In the film we follow Melanie Daniels and Mitch Brenner, who meet in a bird shop and begin a little romance from there. That is until the birds in town begin to act strangely. It’s a classic film for a reason; it’s thrilling, it’s groundbreaking, and it has just the right touch of romance to warm the heart (before the birds get to it, that is).

Interview With The Vampire

This film made vampires popular before many of today’s Twilight fans were even born, and for good reason. Based on Anne Rice’s book, the movie tells the story of two vampires from the 1700’s (played by Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise) who are living, and preying, on the residents of modern-day San Francisco. Told from the point of view of Lestat (Cruise) the story chronicles his journey over the past 300 years. Perhaps the most disturbing part of the film comes with the introduction of Lestat and his friend Louis’s (Pitt) vampire “daughter” whom they rescue and train to be a blood thirsty killer in a riveting performance by a pre-pubescent Kirsten Dunst.

Only Lovers Left Alive

In an unconventional twist on the “love story about a couple who’s been married forever”, this film’s central characters Adam and Eve (played by Tom Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton) really have been married for centuries. When Adam, who is a wealthy and famous musician, becomes distraught at the state of the world, Eve, who’s living in Tangiers, picks up and comes to visit him in Detroit. Their peaceful moments together get turned upside down by the visit from of Eve’s spoiled little sister Ava. Things go from bad to worse, and the couple is driven closer by their obstacles. It’s a vastly underrated film that many missed due to poor distribution and promotion. Luckily it’s easy to catch through services like Netflix and DV.

My Bloody Valentine

Perhaps the most appropriate horror movie for the season comes in the form of this classic 80’s horror film. The film takes place in the appropriately named Valentine’s Bluff on the day of a big Valentine’s Day dance. In their rush to get to the dance a group of miners clock out early but forget there are men below. Soon after, the mine caves in and only one man is left alive. The lone miner, Harry Warden, goes on a killing spree in town as revenge. He warns the townspeople to never again have another Valentine’s Day dance and they oblige for 20 years. But nearly two decades later they decide enough time has passed, and boy, are they wrong.

Spencer Blohm is a freelance entertainment and lifestyle blogger who lives and works in Chicago. You can follow him on Twitter at @bspencerblohm.

2 stories in 1 post, by Chooch

chooch, Guest Post

Jan 172015

1ST STORY: Walkin’ With My Taco and 1 Cupcake

Once upon a time, There was a Mythical Beast named Henry. He bought a taco and a Cupcake. Mommy and I saw this RARE beast. We followed him home. Once we were in the neighborhood. I screamed “Walkin’ with my taco!

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” He didn’t care. I did it two more times. The 3rd time he looked Mommy and I laughed. But we kept following. I said “lets Catch Up I Will Run To Him!” Mommy said “It’s Icy!” But ME don’t CARE. Me RAN! I did not FALL! I walked beside this BEAST. I said “Walkin’ with my TACO!” He said back “Walkin’ with my taco and 1 cupcake. He got home we went in his house
he had a mask on it was HENRY! We Died! THE END

2ND STORY: YOUR SON KICKED MY SON IN THE BALLS!

Once upon a time, Me and JOSH were playing.

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He was mad at me so we fought. He kicked me. So I kicked him in the balls. He started to cry like a wussy. His dad heard and said “WHY ARE YOU CRYING JOSH!” HIS MOM SAID “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT MY SON!” JOSH SAID “RILEY KICKED ME IN THE BALLS!” JOSH SAID “*CRIES*” HIS MOM SAID “WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” I ran home and I saw Josh’s mom running to my house. She said “Oh no you ain’t!” I tried to get in before her. But she BANGED so hard on the door. While mommy was listening to Emarosa and paiting her nails. And just heard *BANG BANG BANG* and mommy opened the door and she just started screaming like “YOUR SON KICKED MY SON IN THE BALLS!” @#!$#! So i just stood there crying. Mommy was mad at me. Even though I did it for a reason. He kicked me and So I kicked back.

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Like daddy said! THE END

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