Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 12:34 It’s only a little concerning to me that my three year old knows the words to Pitbull’s “Hotel.” #
• 13: 46 Pretty sure Henry just tried to seductively eat a piece of bacon. The porn industry is not calling. #
• 18:36 Guess who just booked her first gallery show?!?! #
• 18:54 I can’t stop laughing like Pee Wee Herman. #
• 18:57 @awoodhick you mean I shouldn’t do that in the front yard anymore? #
• 19:00 @awoodhick give him a beer and send him down to Robin’s? #
• 22:09 Hay look @ the dumb! tweeting is the new queefing: Earth-shattering updates throughout the d.. bit.ly/1VefFC #
• **
• 11:21 On our way to the carnival of flea markets in Ohio, remembering how much I used to love Brand New’s “Deja Entendu.” #
• 11:23 Except Henry keeps not only pausing it but turning it down too (wtf?) so he can play boss on his cell phone. #
• 13:47 Oh holy shit, Henry, what did you bring me to? #
• 13:47 WHY ARE THERE PUPPIES HERE? I’ve been chanting “plz? Plz? Plz?” Henry is ignoring me. #
• 13:56 WAH I want a puppy!! Henry: “get rid of the cats.” Me: “No.” #
• 15:21 One of these days I’ll learn that flea markets and me just don’t get along. #
• 18:19 Henry just walked in on me mixing mashed potatoes & said, “who ever taught you how to hold a spoon??” before grabbing it from me. #
• **
• 12:04 On our way to Living Treasures. Hopefully my hand doesn’t become camel lunch again. #
• 13:23 Wish I had come here sans Chooch so that I could spend more than 10 seconds at each exhibit. And that’s when Chooch is being generous. #
• 13:24 Wtf is a collared peccary? #
• 13:30 I want a baby buffalo. Even if it means moving to some shitty prairie and wearing a bonnet. #
• 14:36 I feel uncomfortable when babies stare at me. #
• 15:08 I wish Henry was Russian. This sucks. #
• 15:35 2 hrs after leaving Living Treasures, Chooch goes, “I wanted to pet the rabbits. SHIT.” He just swigged my Life Cocktail: regret & disgust. #
• 16:11 I wonder what part of me Henry will break tonight. #
• 16:17 Me, disgustedly: “What’s THIS broad looking at?” Henry: “Well, 1st of all, she’s about nine.” #
• 19:26 Anyone want some smug insincerity? I’m putting it back on the market. #
• 21:56 Hay look @ the dumb! Westmoreland County Fair, Alright? Part 3 (shoot it dead): If you ever.. bit.ly/1p7b8z #
• **
• 00:34 Henry was just learning himself how to make me homemade skin care shit via some stupid show called She’s Crafty. He’s a good girlfriend. #
• 14:14 My son just told me I’m not fat, but I’m a bitch. #
• 21:47 Chooch is threatening to get me a Fresh Beat Band shirt. I birthed a cruel one. #
• 21:59 Hay look @ the dumb! Waiting.: The bus was late that day. Something about major roadways be.. bit.ly/1znrXU #
• **
• 10:47 I’m 99.9% sure Henry saved yardwork for today knowing it would rain. #
• 15:28 Please. Can someone make sure Miley Cyrus stops missing the shuttle to obscurity? #
• 15:57 Looking through picture frames at Goodwill and trying to not slice tendons. #
• 16:29 I wonder how long it took @awoodhick’s eyes to acclimate to the glare of my halo. #
• 23:06 I always feel better after a visit from Lisa. But then she leaves again and I’m like “wah.” #
• 23:09 @scottheisel I complete ly agree with this statement. #
• **
• 12:13 I can make ice cubes; I want the Perfect Brownie Pan!! #
• 16:16 Walking on a broken toe to post office because I’m too stubborn to drive. #
• 16:29 I hate my town. And that sour pussed bitch who just skulked past without returning my salutations is reason #325. Should move south. #
• 16:33 Though, maybe the way I drag my right foot deters passers-by. #
• **
• 08:37 Abraham Lincoln is haunting me. #
• 22:19 Hay look @ the dumb! Prudence Goosterjuice: If you ask her teachers, they will set their li.. bit.ly/13ZXDw #
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• 12:03 Fucking Real World finales kill me every time. #
• 15:47 Chooch is watching The Karate Kid but is fixated on Daniel’s bike. “Where the bike go? Where he taking his bike?” Frustrating questions. #
• 16:02 “Those damn bitch ass bullies jackass bad kids! I hate them!” Hopefully this means Chooch doesn’t have the bully gene. #
• 17:22 I never quite understood what “tousled bird mad girl” meant, but I think that’s how I feel right now. #
• 17:26 The Aviary pendant: bit.ly/2tqKds. #
• **
• 00:29 Henry’s ranting bc he’s already seen the “She’s Crafty” episode that’s on. “She talks to everyone like sh e wants to have sex with them!” #
• 00:30 Why can’t my boyfriend just watch porn after hrs like a normal dude? No, he has to learn how to fruit-up cigar boxes w/ polka dots & ribbon. #
• 09:07 Never had a cuddle addiction until Chooch came around. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 01:31 twitpic.com/fo57t – My saucy bedmates. #
• 12:00 rainy days are good for SHOPPING: Striped Stockings pendant bit.ly/2Do XnC #
• 17:06 This is the first time I stopped doing shit long enough to tweet all day. So, to make up for that: Murder, sex, fuck, blood, hobo. #
• 18:21 Took a break from painting to rage out to Set Your Goals, forgot about my toe, promptly sat back down. #
• 19:06 Just bid on the ugliest/coolest pair of 1950s swim goggles and I better fucking win. #
• 19:29 #rememberwhen I was bunking at Uncle Monty’s & died from Yellow Fever after he fed us rat stew made from standing water? #
• 21:23 I’m making my house “girls only,” for the really. # 21:56 Hay look @ the dumb! tweets taste like baby wipes: Earth-shattering updates throughout the d.. bit.ly/xDNbH #
• 23:11 Everyone is talking like they’ve been fucked by the Downs dildo today & it’s infuriating. #showmetomypaddedcell #
• 23:38 Look, it’s OK that you crunch on popcorn kernels in my ear, but just know that I’m electrocuting your anus tonight while you’re asleep. #
• **
• 11:44 Yes Henry, all vegetarians enjoy scrubbing gelatinized fat-suspended meat scraps off c ookware, thanks for the opportunity. #
• 13:17 Fuck, the flea market is flooded with extra-glamorous tattoos today. Kat Von D would feel inferior. #
• 13:19 Tried to get Alisha to ask an Oak Ridge Boys fan to give her a mustard squirt. #
• 15:03 Alisha & I are about to go to the movies together for the 1ST TIME EVER. But 1st, I’m making her order for me at Starbucks because I’m 3. #
• 18:31 The worst part about the Harry Potter movies is watching everyone eat such visually delicious desserts, those fuckos. #
• 19:14 I like how they make the token black member of Fresh Beat Band wear an orange jumpsuit. Racism is rampant even on Noggin. #
• **
• 10:03 My Missing Stockings pendant is up for grabs on this here blog giveaway, along with a fine array of other wares: tinyurl.com/no78ef #
• 14:33 I think this is the first time I’ve been able to say I’m looking forward to November and actually mean it. #
• 18:31 Good evening! I just turned myself into a human calliope and played the Max and Ruby theme for my cat Don. #
• 19:30 Had sex with a stranger on the bank of the Rhine. Post-ejac, he told me he’s a Nazi. It was grand. Well, the bratwurst was, anyway. #
• 19:48 Henry is jealous that his macaroni doesn’t come off the stove with the velvety texture of paste like mine does. #
• 19:50 I just announced that I’m making a pie from scratch this week. My news was met with crickets. CRICKETS OF DELIGHT. #
• 22:16 Hay look @ the dumb! Westmoreland County Fair, alright? PART ONE: Before I regale you with .. bit.ly/S5n7Y #
• 23:34 In explaining to Henry the dynamics of Chuck & Blair on Gossip Girl, I started crying. Teen shows do that to me. Oh, young love. #
• **
• 00:05 Hey @awoodhick, think we’ll ever celebrate an anniversary (other than the anniversary of your murder by my hand)? #
• 12:14 30 years old & filling a Pez dispenser is still like doing Calculus without a calculator. All so my child can devour it all in 15 seconds. #
• 13:27 Finally cashed in my Draven gift certificate from @daboogmang & @bed_in_revolt for these bad bitches: tinyurl.com/lg2wyj THANKS GUYZ! #
• 13:37 At least I’m not Paige Mikalchuk. #
• 16:43 @saucalisha Oh come on! I know that of all the Miss Piggy dopplegangers, she’s your FAVE. #
• 19:16 Alisha Crocker’s bakin’ me some muffins, bitch. #
• 19:20 Just discovered a huge tin in Alisha’s fridge full of a dizzying array of chocolate. And she said it was boring here. #
• 19:35 @awoodhick to use as a gag? You got it, bay-bay. #
• **
• 15:42 My headache is in complete control of what I do and don’t do today. Something tells me tonight’s rave might be out of the question. #
• 16:59 To increase the culinary difficulty level, chooch and i were smacking around a balloon in the kitchen while Henry cooked dinner. #
• 17:23 ALERT THE PRESS: Henry is watching a movie with subtitles, of his own volition. #
• 22:16 Hay look @ the dumb! Westmoreland County Fair, Alright? PART 2: It was basically a reunion .. bit.ly/trz81 #
• 23:42 I’m so excited to have Kristen Cavalleri back on my TV. I wish I could say I was joking. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:30 Prank calls never get old. Especially when there’s an unsuspecting party conducting it for me. #
• 18:24 It only took half a listen of his solo album to convince me that @jonnycraig4l is a musical genius. Not that I had any doubt. #
• 19:28 Upon telling Henry that I’m very hated in Ohio, he responded with, “In Pennsylvania, too.” Touche, my faithful steed. #
• 20:36 Hello, Things. You feel right again! #
• 22:06 Preordered the @craigeryowens solo album & actually giggled after. Now I’m gonna shine my Mary Janes & go down to the soda shop for a malt. #
• 22:58 No Henry, it’s cool. I live for taking out the garbage with a broken toe. #
• ***
• 11:38 My drawing skillz0rz are rustier than the crucifix in my basement & I get nervous when asked to use them. #
• 15:59 Oh, I am NOT wearing this gimpy cast thing to the fair. I’d rather grimace thru it. #
• 16:02 NO YOU CANT MAKE ME WEAR IT. #
• 17:24 Making truckers blow their horns never gets old. (And this time I’m really not referencing a sex act, I promise.) #
• 18:40 At the fair, limping amid a fleet of elderly. Still can barely keep pace. #brokentoepalooza #
• 19:37 http://twitpic.com/fdx6v – Henry: “Look those ones laid eggs.” Me: “Aw! Oh.” #
• 19:47 http://twitpic.com/fdyq2 – Henry: “Look those ones laid eggs.” Me: “Aw! Oh.” #
• 21:07 I feel like we spend 75% of the time standing around, judging people. #
• 21:37 twitpic.com/feeku – The fucking fair. #
• 21:55 Was just invited to come see Janna’s toaster oven. #
• 22:24 Hay look @ the dumb! someone has skinny jeans in his future:  Henry had Chooch listening to .. bit.ly/vVT76 #
• ***
• 09:32 REALLY wish my son would cease sharing certain thoughts. For example: I can’t wear my underroos; my weener’s too big. #
• 11:23 The Fresh Beat Band just “hiphopped and popped.” KILL ME. I can’t wait to send the ginger member hate mail. ON MY WORST STATIONARY. #
• 12:10 @saucalisha. I dunno. Maybe for the same reason we don’t call pierogies “potato-stuffed ravioli things”? #
• 12:37 Chooch told me he watched me kill zombies by stabbing their eyes into their brains. Here I thought I outgrew sleepwalking in cemeteries. #
• 13:03 Was asked “why do me & Blake have different moms?” Tried to explain via diagram, & he’s distracted by the imperfections in facial features. #
• 19:37 Henry won’t park in a handicapped spot just because I have a “limp.” It’s a SERIOUS INJURY. #
• 20:18 Told Henry to fuck off; he heard “far out.” I’ll induct that into my glossary as soon as I go sneaker shopping w/ Kristy McNichol. #
• 21:19 Giraffe did something stupid back in ’87. bit.ly/1fjfui #
• 23:08 Me: “Chooch is going thru the ‘taking care of mommy’ phase.” Henry: “That’ll end once he finds out who u really are.” Another 1 for the log. #
• ***
• 14:25 Just cut my thumb on an Exacto knife, which I suppose is why Henry made up that “No knives for Erin” rule to begin with. #
• 21:16 The name of Chooch’s band is Popcorn! In There. I predict Kill Rockstars will sign them and they’ll open for Xiu Xiu. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 00:25 Hay look @ the dumb! Chooch: Taking on the Neighborhood: Chooch is going through that pha.. bit.ly/Y5q2K #
• 10:29 Chooch is more believable acting like a monster than a human. #
• 18:01 twitpic.com/emx6b – Sandwich in one hand, junk in the other. Typical man. #
• 20:51 Swear Alisha just said “nipple-sized” hail. It was nickel. Same difference. #
• 11:47 MY JONNY CRAIG CD CAME TODAY OMG. You can’t see me but I honestly set my phone down to fan myself. #
• 14:07 You know what would be awesome? If Henry gave a shit about anything that goes on in my life. But that’s probably asking too much. #
• 14:36 Some people should really stop thinking that they won. #
• 18:09 Two Thrice tickets: officially procured. November is way too far away. #
• 19:57 If there’s one thing I hate more than the time I had to get a rogue condom removed, it’s sitting in the car while Henry shops car parts. #
• 20:26 I just smelled a haunted house. Or was that the musty bouquet of an old person (Henry)? #
• 21:47 Dear Diary, 2day I listened 2 Jonny Craig in the car & my sunglasses caught my tears. Had sushi 4 dinner & I miss writing. xoxo, this girl. #
• 22:49 You have a Queen. Why would you settle for a fucking maid? #
• 12:34 Via Henry: Chooch told an austistic girl in the library that she was talking crazy. Good job, Chooch. #
• 15:28 Alisha: “are you SURE your mom’s never told you about a time you fell down a multitude of steps & landed on your head?” #
• 15:36 Don’t tell me you wouldn’t laugh if you witnessed a small boy almost dumping his grandma out of a wheelchair. I had to duck in an aisle. #
• 15:57 Babies are so stupid. #
• 15:59 Apparently my prolific referencing of Degrassi is annoying to some people ALISHA PRIDDY. #
• 16:09 In the grocery store, some small boy said I look like Sam from iCarly & I swear I blinked the letters W T F. #
• 17: 01 Hanging a shower curtain with purple & black striped fingerless gloved hands ended up not being as glamorous as I had hoped. #
• 17:13 twitpic.com/ewcfs – My new gloves0rz. That is not my cat. #
• 17:51 Alisha’s making me lift heavy shelves in Target to work off the $1 pair of fingerless gloves she’s buying me. I’m not sure if that’s fair? #
• 18:21 twitpic.com/ewopr – Alisha’s massaging her inner carpenter with the aid of a pink tool set. #
• 19:12 Henry’s here 2 flex his testosterone & save the shelf Alisha put together backward. Asked if she got her toolkit fr om the lesbo catalogue. #
• 21:51 Hay look @ the dumb! Shopping Saturday!!: I know I gush about her a lot, but that’s b.. bit.ly/HQNhq #
• 22:35 P to the orn. #
• 00:42 Henry broke my pinky (originally spelled ponku) toe. He better heighten his senses because retribution is a bitch. #
• 01:29 Now when Henry says NO 2 something I wantsobad, I remind him that he basically amputated my pinkie toe. Monday the iron maiden gets dusted. #
• 01:53 Gee, I can’t wait 2 go 2 the cemetery tomorrow for a walk-OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT. I have a broken toe & SOMEONE thinks I don’t need crutches. #
• 01:54 Did you KNOW that I have a broken toe? #shehasabrokentoe #
• 01:58 Perhaps if Henry had gone out & scored some morphine like I asked, I’d be able to sleep right now instead of having unilateral conversations #
• 10:16 Mistake #1: telling Chooch about my toe. Mistake #2: not reacting quickly enough as he went to inspect it. #
• 12:53 what’s a bitch gotta do to score some shrinky dinks these days. second thought, don’t answer that. #
• 12:55 “Yellow Balloon” – The Lolliwinks, or anything in Capt Kangaroo’s catalogue. #bestsexsong #
• 13:00 On the real though, Dillinger Escape Plan’s “Phone Home.” #bestsexsong #  
• 14:00 w/ Halloween so close, u should enter this skull-tastic giveaway from GrimVision! bit.ly/4BgnGX #
• 14:27 Henry and Chooch just left and seriously if they don’t back with a gift for me, I’m looking for a new family. Could it be YOURS? #
• 14:33 @awoodhick I’m hopping around picking up after you. There’s something wrong with this picture. #
• 16:12 My mom was able to make a smooth segue from my broken toe to Obama bashing. Christ, she’s talented. #
• 16:21 Janna said sneakers. #
• 16:29 I wonder why I can’t stop listening to the Used? What a stumper. #
• 18:14 I like how everyone’swalking around, flaunting their ambulatory prowess in my face. #
• 18:28 With all the typos I’ve shit all over the Internet today, you’d think I was typing with my broken toe. Maybe it’s these restrictive gloves. #
• 18:30 @katyhardy couldn’t agree more about Thrice. i just bought my tickets on friday for the pittsburgh show! #
• 21:52 Hay look @ the dumb! Sometimes Things Happen At Target.: Most of Saturday was spent with Ali.. bit.ly/hH6oq #
• 12:04 Chooch just said, “Janna loves to pee in my potty” which is so true, except she cheats on his potty with every potty she passes. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

LoudTwitter is back so this is the last time my tweets will be jacked up, yay.    

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• and now he’s watching ABBA videos on VH1 Classic.less than 5 seconds ago from web
• Me, as Henry pulls & yanks my hair like a caveman: “Lucia doesn’t dye my hair this roughly.” Henry: “That’s because she doesn’t know you.”less than a minute ago from web     
• Missing Stockings pendant might be my fave: http://bit.ly/pj1gp via @addthis12 minutes ago from web     
• Henry’s dyeing my hair. I swear that man was a chick in a past life. (Good thing I like girls too.)14 minutes ago from web    
• wants to be cuddling with circa survive right now. preferrably in a cemetery.about 3 hours ago from web     
• http://twitpic.com/dr1c1 – Sissy La Laabout 4 hours ago from TwitPic     
• Still waiting for the day I can report that I carried my coffee through one room without spilling it .about 8 hours ago from web
• Hay look @ the dumb! The Pendants Have Landed: The Conversation: $12 + shipping. Size:(appr.. http://bit.ly/LkwBYabout 18 hours ago from twitterfeed    

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• 8 years I’ve been with this guy & never knew he dislikes peaches. There is so much I could have been doing with this information.about 21 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• Out of frustration, I said “Come on!” & the ever-so-wise Chooch mumbled, “THAT’S not going to get you ANYWHERE.”3:37 PM Aug 12th from TwitterBerry     
• Two more days until the Degrassi movie. I should have a party. That’s a more deserving event than my birthday.11:11 AM Aug 12th from TwitterBerry     
• Revamping my Xmas cards for 2009: http://bit.ly/yhTs0 via @addthis9:35 AM Aug 12th from web     

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• I don’t know why Chooch wants me to fingerpaint with him because all I’m capable of is adding blood everywhere.11:09 AM Aug 11th from web     
• It’s a Twilight Sad sort of day. Incidentally, it makes for an excellent fingerpainting soundtrack.11:08 AM Aug 11th from web     
• The Conversation pendant, as modeled by a 1970s nudie mug. http://bit.ly/ASBgw via @addthis10:55 AM Aug 11th from web     
• Wants to have a party & doesn’t need a reason, though something involving catapults & Elmo dolls keeps coming to mind.9:36 AM Aug 11th from TwitterBerry     
• What, you don’t sign off your tweets with the letter Y?1:03 AM Aug 11th from TwitterBerry     
• I hate giving up on a book. Almost as much as I hate giving up on meth. Y1:02 AM Aug 11th from TwitterBerry     

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• Henry just bought metal files, & when the cashier asked what he was using it for, he said, “It’s for…..jewelry,” then his dick shrunk.6:03 PM Aug 10th from TwitterBerry     
• this bastard bot done made my muthafuckin’ day. RT: @swear_bot I’m gonna fuck you until you pass out, @vagynafondue.1:28 PM Aug 10th from web     
• Chooch found a spider in the corner; is inviting it to do a puzzle w/ him. Brought back my own memories of teaching a Mantis to count coins.1:00 PM Aug 10th from TwitterBerry     
• I hate the ginger chick in the Fresh Beat Band. I want to rip off her smirk and use it to gag her decidedly not-fresh rap skillz.10:36 AM Aug 10th from TwitterBerry     
• Just told Chooch about the tooth fairy & he very emphatically said he can’t like her. Now he’s trying to covertly jiggle his teeth.9:48 AM Aug 10th from TwitterBerry     
• Maybe when I’m a grownup, I’ll be able to sleep without the light on.12:47 AM Aug 10th from TwitterBerry   

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• In the car, wanting to see who could scream the loudest but no one will play along.5:46 PM Aug 9th from TwitterBerry     
• The Cure’s “Push” was on at TCBY & Chooch got all happy. This was right after I switched cones w/ Henry because I always pick sucky flavors.5:30 PM Aug 9th from TwitterBerry    
• Good goddamn, Xiu Xiu in the car on Sunday = my version of church.2:16 PM Aug 9th from TwitterBerry     
• Something might not be right if I’m crying at the end of Arachnophobia.11:35 AM Aug 9th from UberTwitter     
• Why yes, I WOULD like to sleep with the lights on tonight, thank you.2:51 AM Aug 9th from TwitterBerry    
• First 30 seconds into the playground, Chooch’s fall count is 3.2:36 AM Aug 9th from txt     
• Henry said he doesn’t get weird vibes from our house. Then why won’t the pussy sleep in the attic like I dared him.1:35 AM Aug 9th from TwitterBerry  

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• At Tom’s Diner, having birthday french toast with Brenna. She eats pierogies with Italian dressing.6:19 PM Aug 8th from TwitterBerry     
• SHIT. Etsy shops like THIS ONE make me wish Chooch was a girl, though a little dress-up never hurt anyone (???) : http://tinyurl.com/n6tqre2:59 PM Aug 8th from web
• Since spell check always wants to change “xoxox” to “socks,” I’m just going to intentionally sign off emails that way from now on.11:04 AM Aug 8th from web     
• This lightweight had entirely too much to drink. Street-walkin’ time! Watch out all you garbage cans & desirable hobos.12:37 AM Aug 8th from TwitterBerry     

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• Sometimes solace can be found in unlikely places.11:53 PM Aug 7th from TwitterBerry    
• Hay look @ the dumb! Blood Box: I was bored on Sunday so I did what any other bored person w.. http://bit.ly/fd3tO11:01 PM Aug 7th from twitterfeed     
• Hi, TwitterBerry. Are you working yet?7:42 PM Aug 7th from TwitterBerry    
• I have paint all over my house, and no one to blame but myself. Fuck.2:53 PM Aug 7th from web    
• RT @SWStitchery Who doesn’t love a discount?? 15% off with code “TWT15” at http://swstitchery.etsy.com (excludes custom, exp 9/23/09)12:47 PM Aug 7th from web     
• Not being able to tweet from my phone makes me feel crippled.9:06 AM Aug 7th from web    
• Last time we were @ Henry’s office, Chooch put a bunch of pens etc in the safe. Today 1 of the salesmen got in trouble for it. I laugh lots.8:59 AM Aug 7th from web    

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• Shit — John Hughes? :(4:43 PM Aug 6th from web     
• Janna shouldn’t be talkin’ ’bout how divine her banana bread is ‘less she’s ready to bake mama a loaf.4:17 PM Aug 6th from web     
• Thank god Janna is here to make us pierogies for lunch. (Maybe I should check the status of her bleeding first, though.)2:24 PM Aug 6th from web     
• Janna cut her thumb on a swing and is now HIVing this joint up.2:02 PM Aug 6th from web     
• Dear Janna: you chew your gum like a JV cheerleader filing her nails in study hall. Sincerely, Gum Chewing Patrol.12:39 PM Aug 6th from web     
• I hope to never hear “blog” said so many times on the news again; after awhile it just sounds like blaaaawg & it makes me feel aggressive.12:56 AM Aug 6th from TwitterBerry  

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• My kid’s apologies are thoroughly unconvincing but he at least sounds cute pleading his case, that little asshole.7:08 PM Aug 5th from TwitterBerry
• @awoodhick hay asshole. I’m hungry.6:04 PM Aug 5th from TwitterBerry     
• I’ve never given a shit about one goddamn thing Oprah has to say. It’s a lonely club to belong to, but I don’t care. Never got her appeal.4:05 PM Aug 5th from TwitterBerry    
• Chooch just split his lip & when he saw the blood around his mouth, he got excited instead of crying because “it’s just like vampires!”2:47 PM Aug 5th from TwitterBerry  
• It’s never not a good time to watch “Fright Night.” Except for maybe during a vein ligation procedure.10:36 AM Aug 5th from TwitterBerry

Henry broke my blog. It makes writing things difficult. And replying to comments impossible. I’m not even sure if notification emails are going out because he changed plug-ins for that. Also, he broke my Outlook too. It’s amazing how disoriented two seemingly insignifcant changes can make a girl like me feel. Anyway, here have some stupid tweets.

• Henry broke my ability to reply to comments on my blog. I promise I’m not turning into one of those of those “too-good-to-reply” douchepies.30 minutes ago from TwitterBerry
• Henry likes watching the local news because there’s always a good chance someone will be speaking in his beloved double negatives.about 10 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• Do not like it when random shooting sprees occur this close to home.about 11 hours ago from TwitterBerry
• Starting to get amped for the haunted house season. And by amped, I mean amputated. (Obviously.)about 23 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• Proud mom moment: Chooch heard 10 seconds of the intro to the Cure’s “If Only Tonight…” & without me telling him, he whispered, “Robert.”9:05 AM Aug 4th from TwitterBerry     
• Chooch goes “look,one of those idiot guys” I’m like “?” Then I notice who he’s pointing @ & I have to learn him that it’s INDIAN not IDIOT.8:49 PM Aug 3rd from TwitterBerry     
• Henry erased my drawing on the board @ his office, despite my desperate pleas to preserve art. WHY HENRY WHY.8:28 PM Aug 3rd from TwitterBerry    
• Chooch on the current: watching Ferris Bueller and eating chicken nuggets with a spork.12:49 PM Aug 3rd from web     
• My first Etsy Dark Team Freaky Feature is @MrsEvils! Please go check it out, she’s fabulous! http://bit.ly/VcJUe12:26 PM Aug 3rd from AddToAny
• RT @craigeryowens: HELP ME POST MY 1ST SOLO TRACK!!! It’ll be posted the moment #CraigOwensEpSept15th reaches a spot in trending topics. RT!11:48 AM Aug 3rd from UberTwitter     
• Hey did you know that Steelers training camp is going on? I think I might have heard something about that. 56325685 million somethings.6:07 AM Aug 3rd from TwitterBerry
• Thinking about my pressing need for a German amputee is obviously more important than sleeping at this point.5:34 AM Aug 3rd from TwitterBerry     
• Glad to have impromptu Wolf Creek flashbacks (which I haven’t even seen in over 3yrs) as I’m trying to fall asleep. A+ ending to the day!1:36 AM Aug 3rd from TwitterBerry  
• FUCK MY EMAIL. And fuck Blogathon for making me and my sponsors jump through goddamn hoops.12:23 AM Aug 3rd from web
• http://twitpic.com/ckwmd – I not tired! I not.9:27 PM Aug 2nd from TwitPic     
• Shit, every time I leave for the day, Henry has a dinner party. So the sink tells me, anyhow.9:17 PM Aug 2nd from web     
• Alisha’s neighbor is grilling animal and it’s blowing RIGHT ON ME.6:53 PM Aug 2nd from TwitterBerry     
• All mirrors should be as flattering as the one in this Taco Bell bathroom.5:55 PM Aug 2nd from TwitterBerry
• Alisha and I created no less than 4 murder scenarios for ourselves today. (So far.)5:53 PM Aug 2nd from TwitterBerry     
• @Citizen_Lazlo I’m only allowed to use butter knives.1:17 PM Aug 2nd from TwitterBerry     
• WordPress can suck a dick today.1:13 PM Aug 2nd from TwitterBerry     
• Me: “Why does Chooch get a bird’s eye for breakfast & I just get a regular egg??” Henry: “Because he’s 3 and you’re 30.” Not a good excuse.11:57 AM Aug 2nd from web     
• Hay look @ the dumb! ben franklin’s big debut: Since last fall, I’ve been a prou.. http://bit.ly/3fLYp11:34 AM Aug 2nd from twitterfeed     
• Or at least added some floral arrangements to their gaping eye sockets.12:59 AM Aug 2nd from TwitterBerry     
• Maybe my dining room wouldn’t look so messy if I got rid of the decomposing bodies slumped around the table.12:58 AM Aug 2nd from TwitterBerry     
• Hay look @ the dumb! The Giglife Tour: All I wanted for my birthday was to go to the Giglife.. http://bit.ly/3yJdMy11:37 PM Aug 1st from twitterfeed     
• My mom was spouting off her conspiracy theories again today. I hung up on her & now she’s back in the ER. I can’t handle this. At all.8:17 PM Aug 1st from TwitterBerry    
• “Hooked on a Feeling” is on now, and its Henry’s turn to feel nostalgic. For prom. Because he’s old, get it.7:16 PM Aug 1st from TwitterBerry     
• Eating coleslaw at Blue Flame while “You’re the Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me” plays, I flashbacked to my childhood & am now sad.7:14 PM Aug 1st from TwitterBerry    
• http://twitpic.com/cftv1 – Henry wants everyone to know that he never had to slide his glasses down to read until I broke them.7:01 PM Aug 1st from TwitPic     
• Holy shit, Henry’s taking me to dinner for my birthday. I can’t remember the last time that happened!4:56 PM Aug 1st from TwitterBerry     
• Weekends mean I can have tomato on my sandwich. (Because Henry’s home to slice that bitch for me.)12:37 PM Aug 1st from TwitterBerry     
• I wonder who my mother had to antagonize all those months when I wasn’t speaking to her.11:05 AM Aug 1st from TwitterBerry     
• Chooch fell off a rocking chair & it landed on top of him like a cage. It was a good look for him.8:27 PM Jul 31st from TwitterBerry    
• I’m the 1st positive drug test result in all the years my manager has been at FedEx; he doesn’t know how to proceed. GLAD IT COULD BE ME!!!4:59 PM Jul 31st from TwitterBerry     
• I feel like I’m in a Degrassi episode right now. I wish I had Emma and Manny here to help me clear my name!4:57 PM Jul 31st from TwitterBerry    
• Hey, you know what’s awesome? Testing positive for marijuana when you haven’t smoked pot in about 10 years.2:41 PM Jul 31st from TwitterBerry     
• So flattered to have one of my appledale photos included in this Photographers of Etsy post: http://tinyurl.com/nftl2r1:14 PM Jul 31st from web     
• http://twitpic.com/c9dzb – Ramen time.12:13 PM Jul 31st from TwitPic     
• The fact that I slept with a bunch of blocks under my pillow makes me think that maybe I’m really NOT a princess. Shoot.9:13 AM Jul 31st from TwitterBerry
• Henry J. Robbins: is not OK, ever, with his girlfriends cuddling with other dudes on a hammock. Just say no to hammock-play.12:05 AM Jul 31st from TwitterBerry      

Hi, these are still posted in reverse order. Read from the bottomzzzz.

• Fave food 4 dinner (grilled cheese – I’m 10), Vanilla Pastry cupcakes 4 dessert; now forcing @saucalisha to watch Degrassi. GOOD BDAY.about 2 hours ago from TwitterBerry 
• http://twitpic.com/c6n00 – MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM HENRY! This is the 1st gift he’s got me in YEARS & its a good one.about 3 hours ago from TwitPic     
• Alisha’s new neighbor has a pool. Let the ingratiating begin.about 7 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• Who needs cake when Alisha’s making birthday spaghetti??about 7 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• I’ll tell you what makes my heart swell: When Chooch cries “Where’s my zombie Ben Franklin??!!” before leaving the house.about 9 hours ago from TwitterBerry
• How I spent my birthday so far: watching my son fall on a sidewalk twice & once down a flight of steps, all before noon.about 9 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• Truck from Michigan turned right in front of a handicapped lady crossing the street. Probably one of @daboogmang & @bed_in_revolt‘s friends!about 9 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• Judging by the kitchen sink, Henry had a dinner party last night while I was gone. Birthday morning dish-washing, all my dreams come true!about 12 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
  

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• @NewlinsGhost mr smalls. I swear, looked just like her! Also saw a cross between Emma Nelson & Huckleberry Finn.about 24 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• Oh good, I get to enjoy Four Year Strong without ex-bff making me miss 3/4 of their set!9:51 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• Apparently SOMEONE doesn’t like my Deeee-Lite dancing. Sometime you just can’t cork the groove.9:47 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• What the fuck, Ellie Nash is at this show!???8:48 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• Wrote a song called “Get fucked”. The lyrics are “Get fucked” x258, overtop melodic clapping. That will change when I get my tambourine.8:29 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• If I was in a band, I wouldn’t make everyone clap during songs. Instead I’d be all “Raise it! Raise the muthafuckin’ roof, whore!”8:02 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• Gravemaker is my new favorite band. That’s what up right now over here in P-Burgh. Swellers were sort of boring.7:46 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• TESTOSTERONE!!! Feeling murderous! This show is so tight already!6:57 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• I want to make friends with the green-panted dude in line in front of us but alisha said NO.6:35 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• Henry was made for throwing wrenches in my plans.5:52 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry    
• Sadly, I just found an awesome way to break into this place now that she’s moving. FOILED AGAIN.1:07 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry  
• Helping Alisha clean out her old apartment. My reward is going to the Set Your Goals show tonight!! TEENAGE SCREAMING!1:05 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry     
• Shit that was almost the first time I made it thru the self-checkout line without a manager needing to rescue me.12:02 PM Jul 29th from TwitterBerry    
• 
  

  ---

• In discussing our son, I realized that he doesn’t really have any of Henry’s traits. “Which is why he’s an asshole,” Henry pointed out.9:25 PM Jul 28th from TwitterBerry     
• “Those are two words that do NOT come to mind when I think of you,” Henry said when I referred to myself as endearing & precious. :(:(:(8:11 PM Jul 28th from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/bynqk – Yay to the double yay.7:26 PM Jul 28th from TwitPic     
• Not even when I ROLL OFF THE SEAT when he turns a corner.7:20 PM Jul 28th from TwitterBerry     
• Henry just said “Make sure none of your scene friends see you.” What? Riding in an Everfresh van isn’t embarrassing AT ALL.7:19 PM Jul 28th from TwitterBerry     
• & ritzy cupcakes. & a golden unicorn horn implant. & a hobo for embalming practice. & a lightning bolt to manipulate as a weapon.3:56 PM Jul 28th from TwitterBerry
• All I want for my birthday is a new pair of Dravens so I can retire my old pair to the smelly shoe mausoleum. THATS ALL I WANT, HENRY.3:52 PM Jul 28th from TwitterBerry     
• Curtains look so easy to make. Maybe that’s the field I was born to get into. My curtains will be exotic, made from Hawaiian flesh.2:17 PM Jul 28th from TwitterBerry     
• I bet I would make an awesome captain of a ship.12:42 PM Jul 28th from web     
• I wish the “It’s for CHARITY!” guilt trip worked on Henry EVERYDAY.10:13 AM Jul 28th from TwitterBerry     
• One of my Appledale photos is the item of the day over at the EtsyDarkSide Myspace, yay! http://bit.ly/s1pxs via @addthis9:13 AM Jul 28th from web 
• 
  

  ---

• My son just fashioned a gun from his blocks and said “I shoot you like on Degrassi.” Fantastic!2:10 PM Jul 27th from TwitterBerry     
• secretly bang gym teacher in woods, deepthroat bananasplit @ soda shop, wear kneesocks & celibacy ring to sockhop. #todaysagendaifitwere19571:14 PM Jul 27th from w    
• I’ve been sitting with a giant pot on my head for so long now that it feels like a natural extension of myself.5:18 PM Jul 26th from TwitterBerry     
• Hey. If you want to see something ha-ha-hilarious, come to my house. I think I’m about to weedwack.5:07 PM Jul 26th from TwitterBerry
• I just washed the dishes while Henry is sleeping on the couch. There MIGHT be something wrong with this picture.2:17 PM Jul 26th from web     
• Come hither, pillow-illow-illow. #blogathon9:36 AM Jul 26th from TwitterBerry    
• Alisha was crying when Jimmy got capped. And even though I’ve seen it before I yelled “FUUUUUCK, right?” #degrassi #blogathon7:09 AM Jul 26th from TwitterBerry    
• http://twitpic.com/bopya – Lucky sonofabitch5:22 AM Jul 26th from TwitPic     
• 3 hours & 45 minutes left. All I want to do is get thru this & cuddle w/ Gordon Ramsey. Or the drug dealer next door. Who cares. #blogathon5:17 AM Jul 26th from TwitterBerry     
• Why is Henry fucking with my Blogathon flow!?12:24 AM Jul 26th from txt

  ---

• there are 5 mo’fuckers in my crib and not a damn one is helping me. fuck that shit. all i need is my shiraz.11:01 PM Jul 25th from web     
• So Chooch just came home from a day spent with his cousins and Blake just pulled a fingernail out of his hair WTF HAS MY SON BEEN DOING.10:35 PM Jul 25th from web     
• DANCE PARTY!!!6:02 PM Jul 25th from txt     
• Had to turn around so no one would make me laugh while I’m huffing from this oxygen can thing.3:56 PM Jul 25th from txt     
• Luckily, Henry is here to remind me that what I’m doing isn’t important at all. Thanks Henry! YOU ARE MY ROCK, BOO. #blogathon2:02 PM Jul 25th from web     
• i just tried to inhale flavored air from a can and then almost fell over.1:37 PM Jul 25th from web     
• dear alisha, i dont care about the history of ur typing classes, cant you see i’m trying to blog here?????12:05 PM Jul 25th from web     
• i just raised the roof to my own humming, that’s how deep in it I am.12:04 PM Jul 25th from web  
• Hay look @ the dumb! #5 The Exterminator: My friend Alisha moved here seven years ago from A.. http://bit.ly/NUHVD11:26 AM Jul 25th from twitterfee  
• My cat Marcy just gave me A Look, which is a good indication of how things are faring over here. #blogathon10:22 AM Jul 25th from TwitterBerry    
• Blogathon starts in 30 minutes! Support me and @twloha by visiting http://ohhonestlyerin.com! Comment throughout the day! Pledge if you can!8:28 AM Jul 25th from TwitterBerry

  ---

• Somebody bring me a strip club.12:53 AM Jul 25th from TwitterBerry    
• QOTD from Henry: Erin, you’re such an asshole. Grow the fuck up. (Wah.)10:34 PM Jul 24th from TwitterBerry   
• Sitting on bleachers, Degrassi-style. What’s up now, eh? Sore-y you can’t be straddling this wood plank with me.9:40 PM Jul 24th from txt     
• Met up with an old high school friend at a carnival & he won Chooch a stuffed fish. A+!9:25 PM Jul 24th from txt   
• I’m too wound up for my own good. Henry just yelled at me to stop moving so much/thrashing in the backseat.7:43 PM Jul 24th from TwitterBerry     
• Henry and Alisha are apparently stalking somone, but I’m too busy listening to A Skylit Drive to care.7:09 PM Jul 24th from TwitterBerry     
• And all I could think was “This fuck’s gonna fillet me & the last song I listen to before I die is going to be FUCKING DAUGHTRY. Why?!”4:15 PM Jul 24th from TwitterBerry     
• Huh. Being stalked in a cemetery isn’t quite as fabulous as I presumed it would be.4:04 PM Jul 24th from TwitterBerr   
• Loves the stench of a cemetery on a humid day, like an aromatic bouquet of moss, sod, and death.3:22 PM Jul 24th from TwitterBerry     
• Fuck you, USPS, for stressing me out on Blogathon Eve.2:46 PM Jul 24th from TwitterBerry
• Chooch wants me to play cars & then admonishes me the whole time for doing it wrong. I was like that once too. Ok fine I still am!!12:14 PM Jul 24th from TwitterBerry 
  

  ---

• You’re right, Hilary Duff: I’m going to start saying “That’s so Henry” in lieu of “that’s so gay.”8:23 PM Jul 23rd from TwitterBerry     
• Jay Hogart could give me gonorrhea any day & I’d be alright with it. In fact, I might even beg for it. Infect me, Jay Hogart from Degrassi.8:15 PM Jul 23rd from TwitterBerry    
• Chooch peed in the toilet, standing up, & made less of a mess than Henry ever has.5:08 PM Jul 23rd from TwitterBerry     
• I’m making “bang bang, bitch” my tagline.2:49 PM Jul 23rd from TwitterBerry     
• Chooch just asked me what “last year” means and I actually drooled a bit as I struggled to explain it.9:59 AM Jul 23rd from TwitterBerry
  

  ---

• Henry won’t add any of his old friends on Facebook, presumably because I’ll embarrass him. Smart guy.7:59 PM Jul 22nd from TwitterBerry     
• Wish my family knew how cool/weird my kid is.5:37 PM Jul 22nd from TwitterBerr    
• I just worked out for half an hour & don’t remember any of it.3:58 PM Jul 22nd from TwitterBerry     
• OH SHIT it’s the episode where Jimmy gets capped! #degrassiownsmylife1:51 PM Jul 22nd from TwitterBerry     
• And I realize I just set myself up for the “That’s why she likes you, b/c she hasn’t met you!” remarks. Shut up in advance, @saucalisha!1:17 PM Jul 22nd from TwitterBerry     
• I’ll never cease to be amazed @ the kindness extended from ppl who have yet to meet me in person. Today, I feel loved. Thank you @alysonc3!1:16 PM Jul 22nd from TwitterBerry     
• I was looking at one of the many things I’ve done to make fun of my boyfriend & completely peed my pants from laughing. FUCK.12:09 PM Jul 22nd from TwitterBerry     
• Sold a painting to someone at Dischord Records. Pretending it was Ian MacKaye using an alias.8:17 AM Jul 22nd from TwitterBerry

Start at the bottom and read up, please. Don’t forget your complimentary dinner mints on the way out, I spent a whole minute lacing them with arsenic.

• Oh my god, Henry is ALWAYS on Facebook now. He even threw bacon at me. Yeah, he’s THAT into it.about 15 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• The posts would go something like this: Henry told me to get out again so I shoved a cheese grater into his sternum.about 18 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• Found a recipe for plum berry whole wheat tarts. I think Henry should make them during Blogathon & I will write about it.about 18 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• Hey, maybe my arm WANTED a piss-bath today.about 19 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• 25 empty seats & this broad sits across from me. Naturally I said hello all brightly. @saucalisha would be so angry if she were here.about 20 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• http://twitpic.com/b4r2i – I’m in the market for a grandpa. Think I found a keeper.about 20 hours ago from TwitPic     
• I have to pee very bad. Good thing I’m going for a drug test.about 20 hours ago from txt    
• I can’t express how much it tickles me that Henry is on Facebook, posting notes.about 22 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• Henry always says “I love you, bye.” I usually just hang up. Aw.10:57 AM Jul 21st from TwitterBerry     
• Hay look @ the dumb! : Hey. You. Blogathon is on Saturday & you know how you can help m.. http://bit.ly/CxzLv12:24 AM Jul 21st from twitterfeed   
• 
  

  ---

• Swear I just saw the Virgin Mary taking out her garbage but I it was an old man in a blue raincoat. Either way, felt like genuflecting.8:04 PM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry    
• In other words: delish.7:41 PM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry   
• Cheez-Its snack mix tastes like I puked up tomato soup & then re-drank it from the mouth of a scurvy-afflicted deckhand from 1874.7:41 PM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry     
• If I was a cop, I’d dump the holster & shove my pistol in a hair-hive that 8 Bumpits will help to achieve. Sky’s the limit w/ Bumpits.6:37 PM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry     
• Listening to Kara talk about the perils of pregnancy during lunch @ the Doublewide did not make me miss baby-growing.4:22 PM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry     
• Henry just got in the car & stunk it up with the aroma of beef product. His excuse is that he’s a male.1:11 PM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry     
• Tubesocks. #whatyourmomwearswhilebangingthedogcatcher12:40 AM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry     
• Potpourri. #thingsinakillershouse12:37 AM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry   
• In other news, I asked ChaCha what town a certain zipcode belonged to & it gave me a 3day Pgh weather forecast. Snow tmrw, supposedly.12:18 AM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry     
• There’s a huge spot of squashed roadkill up the street from me and I haven’t seen my camel since Thursday. Game over for THAT pet, I guess.12:15 AM Jul 20th from TwitterBerry     
• 
  

  ---

• Alisha: “Why do u raise the roof so often? The roof is already raised. Leave it the fuck alone.” Because it’s the only move I got.8:21 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• Alisha just chastised me for an hour for spelling MRSA wrong. SORRY FOR WANTING TO STICK AN “E” IN THERE IT’S MY FAVE LETTER.7:52 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/ay297 – Wish I was wagonin’ it with those fools.7:28 PM Jul 19th from TwitPic    
• “The rabbit,” when asked what I was laughing for. Alisha: “STILL? That was like 30 minutes ago.” And then I still had to explain why.7:23 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/ay13h – Giddy @ Sonic. Alisha: “Look a bunny!” Me: “Aw. Bang bang, bitch.”7:20 PM Jul 19th from TwitPic    
• The selection of dirty toenail-stuffed sandals in this joint is staggering.7:04 PM Jul 19th from txt     
• Finally, someone cool’s coming into IHOP to distract me from looking at the old man’s hand next to me, which looks like a chunk of cured ham6:56 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• OMFG JON SECADA SINGING AT THE UNIONTOWN IHOP. It’s 7th grade all over again.6:14 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/axq3b – Made it, & now I feel like everyone’s staring at us because we radiate The City.6:04 PM Jul 19th from TwitPic     
• Stopped at a gas station for directions. Had to get directions on how to leave the gas station too. This is a lot of hassle for a pancake.5:54 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• Sunday roadtrip for pancakes, talking about stalking, & listening to urban jamzzzz.4:48 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• Yes huh, daddy long legs are cute so STFU Alisha.4:27 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• I swore Alisha just crossed herself but she was in fact fixing her sleeve.4:03 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• Alisha’s a stupid bitch who doesn’t want to see any of the quality flicks I want to see.3:38 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry
• http://twitpic.com/awjhz – Virgin Mary wins it every time.1:06 PM Jul 19th from TwitPic    
• The flea market makes me want to smoke Pall Malls.12:50 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry    
• http://twitpic.com/aweqh – Oh hell yes, my walls will be smiling today.12:27 PM Jul 19th from TwitPic    
• Brought Alisha to Rossi’s Pop-Up Market for her first time and she is a’quake with trepidation.12:17 PM Jul 19th from TwitterBerry     
• In 1998 I killed a farmer & hosted a dinner party on his disemboweled torso. Was great until someone poked an eye out on his rib.10:42 AM Jul 19th from web     
• Some days I wake up and wish my name was Wanda. Today isn’t one of those days.10:38 AM Jul 19th from web     
• Or leave off the “u,” as I proceeded to do later.10:25 AM Jul 19th from web    
• when sending correspondance to someone named “Doug,” it is wise not to accidentally add an “h” at the end.10:24 AM Jul 19th from web
• 
  

  ---

• Hay look @ the dumb! Kara, don’t look at this.: Hi. Today is my friend Kara’s b.. http://bit.ly/WSCoq11:48 PM Jul 18th from twitterfeed  
• At Denny’s with Blake, Chooch, @awoodhick and @cantcme99 for foodstuffs not created by Hoobastank.9:58 PM Jul 18th from TwitterBerry  
• I just found out Henry has been on Facebook for FOUR MTHS & never added me. Betrayal what now?8:30 PM Jul 18th from TwitterBerry    
• Blake just caused an older couple walking past my house to pause and frown.8:06 PM Jul 18th from TwitterBerry     
• Blogathon is one week away & I’m doin’ it for @twloha, ya’ll. Read more here if u want to sponsor me! http://ohhonestlyerin.com.5:28 PM Jul 18th from TwitterBerry     
• You know I have a bad headache when I leave before cake. BEFORE CAKE.4:37 PM Jul 18th from txt    
• Thanks to Chooch & his addiction to iSpy, I won a prize at Kara’s baby shower.4:36 PM Jul 18th from txt     
• Afterthought: Should have brought a jacket to the cemetery.10:55 AM Jul 18th from TwitterBerry   
• If I don’t go to a show soon, my will to live is going to atrophy. Someone play in my living room. Quickly.10:54 AM Jul 18th from TwitterBerry     
• 
  

  ---

• Henry won’t help me wrap a baby shower gift, says I need to learn to be a better girl. Sorry in advance, @ohidontthinkso!10:59 PM Jul 17th from TwitterBerry     
• Evidently the reason Chooch has been slinging the word “gorgeous” lately is because he thought it was a bad word.7:47 PM Jul 17th from TwitterBerry

Tweets: Brought to you by Erin’s slick copy and pasting skillz, imaginary pets, and SILENT LIBRARY.

• Was getting lectured by Henry about how I only care about myself. Interrupted him to demand pancakes.4 minutes ago from web   
• Oh no wait – there was a rape reference slung in there. I lose.about 8 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• I just wrote something without referencing cocks, murder, bait shops or rape. I had to rub my eyes and look in the mirror.about 8 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
  

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• And now my favorite SYTYCD girl is gone. I think my camel is upset too. At least, I suspect that’s what the steaming pile of shit was for.about 18 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• It’s nice I found out Blogathon 2009 is happening, with 8 days to pick a charity and beg for sponsors. Awesome.about 20 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• Taught Chooch that whispering involves actual words being spoken not just lip movement. 1st thing he whispers to me? i hate u. ur a jackass.about 22 hours ago from web    
• My son is nude & posing inappropriately.about 23 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/akatm – @ my fave place, freaking out to my fave album from summer 05. Guesses?3:38 PM Jul 16th from TwitPic     
• RT: http://www.epitaphblog.com/… – win a free Epitaph Gnarly wristband (via @EpitaphRecs)1:46 PM Jul 16th from TwitterBerry    
• Just fed my camel the cleft chin of an altar boy.1:16 PM Jul 16th from TwitterBerry
• Sometimes screamo is the only way to blast the static noise from my head. That’s better than a prefrontal lobotomy so I’m not complaining.1:10 PM Jul 16th from TwitterBerry    
• Wonder if my camel will get me 2 Buffalo in time for Chiodos’s 2:55 set. Or at least the nearest rest stop where I can have a trucker orgy.11:10 AM Jul 16th from TwitterBerry     
• Today, I finally buy that camel I’ve had my eye on. He will be my taxi to the Casbah where I’ll get molested by a throng of Moroccans.11:02 AM Jul 16th from TwitterBerry
  

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• In some states, 45-year-old Mexican men (or, girls that look like one) get carded for R-rated movies.4:39 PM Jul 15th from TwitterBerry        
• IM GOING BACK TO FEDEX PRAISE THE FUCKING LORD!!!!1:51 PM Jul 15th from TwitterBerry     
• Oh good, my blog’s un-broked. I can take down the noose.12:32 PM Jul 15th from TwitterBerry     
• Tried to run off to Scranton today, but Henry went into dad-mode & stopped me.11:27 AM Jul 15th from TwitterBerry 
• Currently having Evil Dead 2 babysit my child.11:02 AM Jul 15th from web    
  

  ---

• And “Easy Lover” comes on while I’m full of falafel – WHAT A GOOD DAY.7:32 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry    
• http://twitpic.com/adj5l – Alisha & I are both wearing green I hope ppl don’t think she’s my GIRLFRIEND. Gross.7:12 PM Jul 14th from TwitPic     
• Goddammit I think he’s gay.6:22 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/adc5z – Alisha’s foyer, want to sit in it for always. Bring me my tea cozy, bitch.6:19 PM Jul 14th from TwitPic    
• Yes, keep looking @ me with those ICE BLUE EYES MR LANDLORD6:08 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry     
• Hot for Alisha’s landlord.5:54 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry     
• Alisha’s new street has crippled people and MERSA.5:51 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry    
• At Alisha’s new, closer-to-me apartment, waiting for her to sign the lease, and planning a new photoshoot in her CREEPY foyer.5:37 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry     
• I can’t begin to explain the great effect cemeteries have on my mental state. It’s like being swaddled in God’s distressed foreskin.3:58 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry     
• I would like to go back to a time when Miley Cyrus’s annoying face/voice/persona wasn’t a hot commodity.12:21 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry     
• Thank you, Chooch’s ass, for bringing up instructions on how to remove a speed dial contact. No more purse-dialing ex-bff!12:16 PM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry    
• Conversations would be more interesting if they all started with “Last time, on Matlock..”10:01 AM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry     
• Oh shit, I just cried during 7th Heaven. I think I’ve been Christianized. Fuck, and there goes my stigmata.9:58 AM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry    
• Blue + yellow = puke.1:19 AM Jul 14th from TwitterBerry

• Good goddamn, I haven’t had a single second to sit down and just fucking chill all day long. Give mama a fucking cigar.about 1 hour ago from web   
• Why golly, son, we have different last names because YOUR FATHER WONT MARRY ME.about 15 hours ago from TwitterBerry    
• Hay look @ the dumb! Coming Soonish: Wearable Art: Oh hey it’s art you can wear, and .. http://bit.ly/cbQ4mabout 23 hours ago from twitterfeed    
• 
  

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• In my head, these things are hilarious. I don’t think Henry & Alisha agree.8:49 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• Nearly peed myself as I popped out the front door to say “m-m-miscegenation” to a porch-sitting Henry as an example walked by our house.8:48 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• Then I couldn’t stop picturing him running Baywatch-style across the sand en route to catch squid for dinner. My little Henryhoff.7:22 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry    
• Thought I heard Henry say he’s making squid for dinner & he goes “yeah, I just ran down to the ocean.” I laughed for an entire minute.7:20 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• Listened to the dulcet tones of my phone repeating “gonorrhea” for 15 minutes. I’m in tears from lol’ing, Alisha is rubbing her temples.6:16 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• I have a long list of interests & hobbies, such as miscegenetic flagellation. Hopefully match.com can use that to find me a mate.5:26 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• My fried green tomatoes have some pink to them, like they’re a product of a miscegenetic relationship.3:59 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• Me? Weird quirks? Alisha thinks she knows me so well. I have no such quirks.3:54 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• Alisha’s rant du jour: why adding bacon or sausage increases a meal by $2.20. It’s like hanging out with a senior citizen.3:43 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• I will never understand Vampire Wars. But at least I have a cool name.3:00 PM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• So glad Silent Library taught my kid how to snap my bra.10:47 AM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• Didn’t realize how short I cut my bangs until the humidity made them go all Bettie Page on me. I guess that explains the current urge for whip-play …2:07 AM Jul 12th from txt     
• My favorite part of summer is the dirty looks I get as I sit @ red lights with screamo on high. Oh also – my neighbor Robin’s tubetops.1:35 AM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• I think Alisha and I need to start an amateur boxing league, and all the bouts will be me against her.12:26 AM Jul 12th from TwitterBerry     
• 
  

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• Just sat through a ten minute vitriolic rant about Shoes Under from Alisha. Am a little frightened. It ended with “…& it boils my blood.”11:26 PM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry     
• @cantcme99 haha, u dummy-turkey10:28 PM Jul 11th from txt     
• http://twitpic.com/a28k9 – “A book to record the colorful things your kids say” bahahahaha.7:54 PM Jul 11th from TwitPic    
• http://twitpic.com/a25vy – Where my obsession with Phil Pfister was born.7:37 PM Jul 11th from TwitPic     
• I bet Phil Pfister is down with #miscegenation.7:34 PM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry     
• Phil Pfister, you should be ashamed of yourself. Just go home already.7:24 PM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry     
• Apparently I’ve been saying “light & refreshing” all day.6:19 PM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry     
• Sometimes, when I really want to push Henry out of his comfort zone, I send him to Starbucks.4:07 PM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry     
• @saucalisha oh thx a lot, I directed that2:28 PM Jul 11th from txt     
• Watching Chooch eat a bowl of shredded cheese, I said “What a weirdo.” He said back to me “Look at yourself.” WTF!?2:05 PM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry    
• What? Hackneyed bangs are in again.2:01 PM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry     
• Today I will be attempting to work with resin. If you have a storm cellar, get ye ass down in there.12:53 PM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry    
• Hay look @ the dumb! humor me, humor you: My friend Ally posted this on Facebook. I did it t.. http://bit.ly/6VAGT12:52 PM Jul 11th from twitterfeed    
• Always feel slightly hungover, w/ a desire to punch a mime, after a night of extreme giddiness. Glad my friends have a high Erin tolerance.10:23 AM Jul 11th from TwitterBerry     
• Hay look @ the dumb! a post of random happenings: Tonight is Henry’s last night at his.. http://bit.ly/13ysen12:24 AM Jul 11th from twitterfeed    
• 
  

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• Alisha won’t comment on my Facebook status because she’s “having a conversation [about miscegenation] with someone else.”11:10 PM Jul 10th from TwitterBerry     
• Someday, Chooch is going to hear “miscegenation” as an adult & wonder why he feels so scared.10:40 PM Jul 10th from TwitterBerry    
• Set it as my ring tone, made Alisha call me & proceeded to traumatize my son by laughing so hard.10:38 PM Jul 10th from TwitterBerry     
• I want this to be my ringtone.10:32 PM Jul 10th from TwitterBerry     
• Have my phone pronouncing “miscegenation” in a loop. I’m the only one who thinks its funny. Chooch said he doesn’t want to hear it anymore.10:32 PM Jul 10th from TwitterBerry     
• Oh, so my mom’s home from the hospital, but no one felt obliged to tell me. Fantastic, guys!10:14 PM Jul 10th from TwitterBerry     
• Just got my ass kicked by a squirt gun-wielding douchebag known as Henry.9:49 PM Jul 10th from txt     
• Alisha thinks it’s creepy when grown ppl whisper. Then she sang us the ABCs.8:41 PM Jul 10th from TwitterBerry     
• Yeah, I don’t know why I’ve been worried about a school district for this kid. He’s so not going anywhere.6:02 PM Jul 10th from TwitterBerry

Tweets: Now in reverse order! The Monday – Thursday edition! Suck on a dick!

• I need a life. #whyimakeuphashtagsabout 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry
• Sucking on the wrong nipple. #consequencesofcarseatsexabout 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry     
• Getting stale Cheerios stuck to your asscheeks. #consequencesofcarseatsexabout 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry
• Asked Chooch what it feels like sitting in his poop & he said interesting. Gonna have him sit on canvas to see if it LOOKS interesting too.about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry     
• In lighter news, my son has taken to sticking things up his asshole.about 2 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• My mom is still in the hospital & I have no idea what’s going on.about 2 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• Alisha has the worst luck apartment hunting and drags me along for the ride.about 5 hours ago from TwitterBerry         
• Chooch’s life lesson of the day: Never trust a mommy with a squirt gun. Dummy.about 10 hours ago from TwitterBerry     
• I am sunburnt and have a major case of music hangover, but it feels so good. Until tonight when post show depression sets in.about 11 hours ago from TwitterBerry       
• 
  

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• I have no words for Jeffree Starr. Actually I have a lot. Just no desire to type it out.7:37 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry    
• I will never get used to anyone other than anthony green singing “7 years.”7:14 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• Dance Gavin Dance make me want to form an army. They’re so good live.6:19 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/9q38r – Old man, asleep at Warped Tour.6:03 PM Jul 8th from TwitPic     
• Man, I wish I had a neckbrace.5:57 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry        
• Do not piss off Black Tide. #tryingtoavoidriotsatwarpedtour5:50 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry         
• Waiting for A Day To Remember & Henry is nervously asking me questions about them.4:12 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• Nick Martin can scream in my face all day long.2:39 PM Jul 8th from txt     
• http://twitpic.com/9p8n7 – Waiting for Chiodosssssss. Henry just peed a little.1:49 PM Jul 8th from TwitPic     
• I’m going to miss Deanna after she gets trampled in the Chiodos pit:(1:47 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• Thank you to the girl on Etsy who just bought 3 of my bathroom plaques – now I can buy a tshirt! #warpedtourrapesmywallet1:22 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/9p5lt – “But now ppl will know I’m with you” – Henry1:22 PM Jul 8th from TwitPic     
• Every time I ask Henry to get in a picture with me, he says he’s busy.1:11 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• Repeating myself 14x to Henry. #thingsidontloveaboutwarpedtour1:01 PM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• I have to love a band who congratulates the Penguins for winning the Cup and then immediately dogs on the Pirates.12:54 PM Jul 8th from txt     
• All the older, decidedly less scene people are over here waiting for Bayside. Henry still sticks out like a sore dick though.12:11 PM Jul 8th from txt    
• Approaching Ernie Ball Stage for Remember Thy Name & walking into a barrage of growls, Henry mumbled “oh boy I love them already.”11:23 AM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• Gates just opened & I squealed. Henry is frowning.10:58 AM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• Some guy in a band asked ppl behind us what bands they came to hear & Henry mumbled “Exit & See Ya Next Year.” We’re not even inside yet!10:32 AM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• “He doesn’t even have a chin, how could he know what to do?” – Deanna on the Live Nation parking boy.10:14 AM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry         
• The only bad thing about @saucalisha not coming today is that I won’t have a bevy of gum at my disposal.9:51 AM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• Never had a use for the word “bicker” until Blake & Deanna were in the backseat of my car.9:10 AM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry         
• Just heard vagina slams instead of Virginia Slims.8:51 AM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry         
• The worst part of Warped Tour is waiting for Henry to get his shit together so we can fucking go.8:02 AM Jul 8th from TwitterBerry     
• Nothing is cuter than a little kid laughing in his sleep. Well, except for a wino drinking rabbit blood in an alley.7:53 AM Jul 8th from web   
  

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• Can never sleep on Warped Tour Eve.11:45 PM Jul 7th from TwitterBerry     
• Going with @saucalisha to look at apartments today made me want to move. WITH OR WITHOUT HENRY. & preferrably next to kickball fanatics.9:43 PM Jul 7th from TwitterBerry     
• The doctors think my mom had a stroke, she’s being admitted. I don’t feel a single fucking emotion over it. I wish I did.4:56 PM Jul 7th from TwitterBerry     
• Weren’t @ soccer field for 30 seconds before Chooch fell, scraped his knee. Then he got tangled in a net & hit in the mouth w/ wiffle ball.4:24 PM Jul 7th from TwitterBerry     
• http://twitpic.com/9mbjk – Sweat-styled hair.4:12 PM Jul 7th from TwitPic     
• My mom just called & I sat here staring at the phone. Just…no energy for this.1:09 PM Jul 7th from TwitterBerry     
• This time tomorrow, I’ll have perma-smile, Henry will have perma-scowl, and Chooch will probably have gotten lost 3x.11:05 AM Jul 7th from TwitterBerry     
• 
  

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• Heard Janna say “I want 2 get a baby performer” rather than “baby pool 4 him” &I’m like “How hard does she think it is 2 entertain my son?”10:07 PM Jul 6th from TwitterBerry     
• My new playground boyfriend has a German shepherd named Trina & firecrackers at home.7:20 PM Jul 6th from TwitterBerry     
• Playgrounds: putting me in awkward predicaments since 2006.7:05 PM Jul 6th from TwitterBerry     
• Henry, it’s time you talk to Chooh about why his weener sometimes stands up. I would if I could, you know, stop laughing.3:47 PM Jul 6th from TwitterBerry

Brought to you by: ME, Erin, That Broad, Ho Bag

\Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:11 I’m in a helicopter. No I’m not.
• 16:25 Sometimes I really wish I had a mom. You know, one that took an active interest in my life.
• 16:27 Oh no, now Scuderi too. :( #pens
• 16:28 @saucalisha so THAT’S why I was always getting date-raped in high school!
• 21:09 I’m so glad I have a three-year-old and a fridge w/ a water & ice dispenser, all under one roof.

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• 12:31 The zoo always seems like a good idea. It is not a good idea.
• 12:55 Blake turns into a germ-freak in the monkey house.
• 13:00 I’ve not yet killed a person but the zoo always threatens to change that.
• 13:04 Ok we just got to watch some zoo asshole toss apples at the gorillas so the zoo doesn’t suck so bad now.
• 13:47 http://twitpic.com/95y76 – Zoo queers
• 17:43 Alisha is being sucked in by the real world issues of Degrassi. It goes there. (She even made me fast forward thru the commercials.)
• 17:57   Having two pseudo-babysitters with me all day does not make controlling Chooch any easier.
• 20:00 OMG NEW DEGRASSI WHAT HAPPENED TO JANE
  

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• 01:53 Finally realized what my new neighbors do that makes that noise so late at night – drag body bags up and down the steps. I need in on this.
• 11:04 I guess when the girls on this new Real World don’t have good looks going for them, they have to compensate with cunty attitudes.
• 11:06 1st I hated Ayiiiah b/c her name has superfluous vowels, then I hated her for her chipped teeth. Now I hate her for non-shallow reasons….
• 11:06 Like her weak wall-punching skills & stupid highlights
• 12:09 God, Henry. I wouldn’t kill myself until AFTER Warped Tour. Now give me back my scissors.
• 13:11 Henry, to me: “you have a personality, you just hide it.” Alisha, to me: “can u hide it a little more when I’m around?”
• 13:43 Happy to be going to someone else’s cookout for once. I brought #thingieball, to add some Erin flavor.
• 15:40 Remembering the last time I played wiffle ball exactly 4 yrs ago today where I was unjustly called out. Re-angeration is occuring.
• 16:25 Alisha got my foot drunk with fruity alcohol. Afraid podiatric date-rape is imminent.
• 16:29 http://twitpic.com/9b0d8 – Loser in a tent.
• 16:50 “It’s like on Harper’s Island!” Chooch exclaimed as he attempted to spear Henry’s leg with a stick.
• 17:34 http://twitpic.com/9bak7 – Henry is the worst dessert picker. Looks are deceiving! I’ma puke now.
• 17:34 There are big dogs here, threatening Henry’s masculinity. He’s gonna try to do some hardcore sexplay tonight to regain some if it.
• 18:08 Overheard at cookout: “Michael Jackson is a freakin’ FREAK.” How ignorant! He WAS a freakin’ freak.
• 18:28 http://twitpic.com/9bisd – Loser on the steps.
• 18:46 Called Henry “man I came here w/” rather than grace him w/ the bf title. He goes “hope u find someone else to be the man u LEAVE here w/”
• 20:29 Alisha thinks it’s fantastic that I can bring every convo back to Degrassi. & by fantastic she means really fucking annoying.
• 21:09 http://twitpic.com/9c7xt – Waiting downtown for fireworks, Alisha is tightly wound.
• 22:43 We’re on the wrong trolley. Preparing for my new life as a boxcar kid. #cantreadsigns
• 22:46 OMG IM FREAKING OUT. The world looks so scary out there!! I’m going to be lost in it forever now! HEEENNNRY HELLLLPPPPPP!!
  

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• 02:40 Thank you, new neighbors, for waiting until 2:38am to stand beneath my bedroom window & fire off roman candles. My racing heart feels great
• 11:16 If there was one thing I learned yesterday, its that a fenced-in tard should be a prerequisite to having a baby.
• 12:48 I had public transportation nightmares last night, in which @saucalisha‘s face was papered along the sides of all the buses.
• 13:51 I hope Degrassi has an episode revolving around chest pains so I can learn what to do about mine.
• 14:06 Oh and three tweets ago? Tard = yard, though I suppose a fenced-in tard would provide hours of amusement for a child, too. Probably more.
• 14:11 The queen purveyor of zombie dolls, @mrsevils, is having a giveaway on her blog, go enter! http://bit.ly/3ijdnm
• 12:16 The first time I talk to my mom in 7 mths & she cuts me off to start spouting off her govt conspiracy theories. Fucking fantastic.
• 12:20 I have honestly never met a family with such a crippling inability to be happy for one of their own. It’s like a disease.
• 13:00 Chooch had his 2nd klutz episode of the day which brought my finger-pointing neighbor to her window.

LoudTwitter commited suicide so I get to do these by hand and let me tell you it sure is fun.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 13:08 Thought we were still playing ‘pretend’ when Chooch gave me a cup & said “drink ur water!” Wasn’t expecting the splash; was refreshing tho.
• 15:31 Let’s all pretend like we’re dishwashers in a shit diner.
• 16:13 I had a homeroom teacher in HS who would always take my side, even when I was the one causing trouble. She died today.
• 16:48 My life needs less clever, more cleaver. (And no change of cleavage.)
• 23:35 Henry said I make him scared. He must have heard the snap.
• 23:43 Henry’s complaining that the scratches I gave him sting. LIKE MY HEART
  

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• 01:23 Uh-oh.
• 10:49 Just sobbed to a Jehovah’s Witness. At noon, I’m cuddling with a Scientologist. 4pm is Draino time.
• 18:41 Looking to exchange recipes with a cannibal but the only one I knew ate himself.
• 20:50 Top a weener with a plastic blue cup & watch me sing Happy Birthday. It must be Tuesday
  

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• 00:02 I hate a fucking swindler.
• 11:03 Chooch wants to wear a dress to his staple-removal appointment. I told him fine b/c it really complements his chocolate milk mustache.
• 12:13 I  kept Chooch’s staples so that when he becomes infamous, which he will, I can sell them on eBay.
• 12:18 Dr’s office acquired a fine looking male nurse since the last time I was there, gave me a lollipop. Took the bait, will be back for more.
• 14:45 http://twitpic.com/8ygiy – I’m score.
• 16:12 My friend Lisa is visiting from Colorado & we have hang-outs scheduled for tonight. Hopefully Chooch won’t call her a motherfucker
  

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• 01:17 Now that I think about it, I’m positive Lucas from Degrassi was the nurse holding Chooch’s head during the staple-plucking.
• 01:20 “‘Sore-y’ if this hurts, buddy, but we’ll have them all ‘oot’ faster than you can say Saskatchawan. Next episode, I date-rape ur mom, eh.”
• 01:40 Lisa brought me pie. I thanked her by using her as a therapist. By the end, we were both bloated, so it was an even trade.

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 16:58 I never thought when I saw 3Oh3! at Warped Tour that I’d be hearing them a year later on So You Think You Can Dance. #
• 16:58 @saucalisha I REALLY WANT STREUDEL. #
• 20:06 Apparently, we have a mallet. I know this because my son just walked in the room & almost struck me dead with it. #
• 21:28 I should start wearing a bonnet during any sort of sexual activities, like gang rapes & cock choppings. #
• 21:32 I should also wear a bonnet while eating streudel, & then use the tag #appropriatebonnetoccasions #
• 22:41 Someone better give me a Prayer Cross for my birthday so I can gaze with amazement. Haven’t gazed like that since I saw prosthetic leg porn. #
  

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• 10:42 Sometimes I like to give Henry recaps from the last Degrassi episode I watched. Often he thinks I’m talking about real people. Wish I was:( #
• 12:12 Today, we buy a helmet for the klutz. Probably would be a good idea to pick one up for the kid, too. #
• 13:02 Made coupons for my shop & each discount code is a 70s porn star. Just call them couPORNS if you will. I love them. #
• 14:14 I don’t know why everyone hates my Summer Jamz, Holla mix CD. I can tell you it makes me raise the roof, that’s how BUCK it is. #
• 14:21 twitpic.com/8l6mt – BUTTERFLIES. #
• 15:38 Henry, after I tried to put windows down in the car wash: I locked them. Me: Why!? Henry: B/c I knew you’d try to put them down? #
• 18:15 If you could see my jackass son right now, you’d think he was abused, thanks to all the facial/head marring from three separate incidents. #
• 19:38 Henry & I are engaged in a sort of relationship repair olympics. He got me sushi & red bean mochi ice cream. Good for the silver. #
• 19:39 Revolutionary War porn for the gold. #
• 19:41 I looked out the window in time to see a tree walking down my driveway. #
  

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• 00:55 Henry should compliment me more on my wonderful dairy. And then I’ll say “Isn’t he wonderful?” as I watch him urinate in the wild. #
• 14:00 Men have all the answers. Thank god for men. #
• 21:58 Purposely drove through some dangerous areas & nothing happened. Dratsies. #
  

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• 00:49 Whenever I go thru the motions, I’m always left with a sticky residue. #
• 10:29 Some broad @ my neighbor’s mistook Chooch’s chin-bruise for dirt & tried to scrub it. Henry informed her that he’s just abused, not dirty #
• 10:41 Interesting. Ex-bff is on my blog right now. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.