If Tweets Die In 3s, Hopefully Mine Will Be Next

 tweets
Jun 262009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 17:59 In the one minute span it took me to order our pizza, I was called “babydoll” “honey girl” and “sweetheart” by the girl on the other end. #
  • 22:22 Very serious about making Bumpit porn into a reality. I think there’s definitely a market for pompadour’d pubes. ‘Bout to get rich. #
  • 01:20 Being told how I should or shouldn’t feel gets old after awhile/8 yrs/all my life. #
  • 10:11 Precious Moments, urine samples, Clay Aiken posters, STDs, Duggar afterbirth: What are Terrible Things to Collect. #
  • 12:08 The ability to turn any situation into a party by launching confetti out ur asshole: #crapsuperpowers. (OR IS IT.) #
  • 12:15 I miss the glory days of floating all day in my pappap’s pool, listening to slow jam mixtapes on a yellow Aiwa walkman, plotting murders. #
  • 13:21 Just chased my nude son down the street. #
  • 20:36 Watching someone try not to puke is in the top 5 of things that make me laugh hardest. #
  • 23:05 So badly do I want to watch @saucalisha put a puzzle together while receiving electrical jolts. #
  • 17:33 Thanks, because it had been way too long since the last time I caught a rock with my teeth. #
  • 19:18 Welp…we kept saying we wanted to see the inside of the new Childrens Hospital. #
  • 19:36 Everyone needs someone like me around during accidents. I add that extra punch of trauma and hysteria. Someone bleeding? Watch as I faint! #
  • 20:19 Thank god we got a young & cute female doctor. She’s the only one who was allowed to touch Chooch’s wound, as he looked down & blushed. #
  • 20:23 Spellcheck changed Chooch’s name to Shoot, might have to adapt that. #
  • 20:23 twitpic.com/8bujl – Welcome back from war, Private Shoot. #
  • 20:52 Watching a 3yo get staples in his head is not something I had on my bucket list. As soon as I scrape my heart off the floor, we’re leaving. #
  • 10:30 It’s good to know that a few staples won’t keep my child from acting like an asshole. #
  • 12:18 To my friends who make their own soap/bath products: does it generally take 3mths+ to make & ship orders? Just wondering. #
  • 13:39 RIP Farrah Fawcett. #
  • 14:21 I’m so glad Chooch now drinks his juice like a contestant on Silent Library, complete with dry heaves & riotous sprays of saliva & liquid. #
  • 20:27 Made a Twitter solely for my art shit. If you’re interested in updates, etc, add it! @somnambulantart #
  • 22:44 Every ten minutes it’s “Watch, my staples!” & “Don’t touch my staples!” It’s bringing back memories of what I was like after the C-section #
  • 22:46 Except that once my staples were removed, it turned into “watch my incision!!” & I dragged that out for 6mths. OK, a year. #
  • 00:56 Degrassi, I’m “sorey” but your spirit squad blows. #
  • 11:15 Giving Chooch his first taste of the “Thriller” video. I still can’t believe my first celeb crush is dead! (Shut up, he used to be hot.) #
  • 15:52 On the 653th viewing of the Thriller video. I should have known better. #
  • 15:55 As the latest play-back comes to an end, Chooch wants everyone to know that it’s his “jam.” And now he’s lovingly holding the CD.
  • 16:58 If I were a farmer, I’d hire German girls to be my apple pickers and then beat them with a belt while they baked me streudel.

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

not even an amusement park can make my tweets amusing

 tweets
Jun 222009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 18:20 The first person to ever commit suicide must have had a three-year-old. #
  • 18:43 Making a list of “accidents.” #
  • 19:07 “I don’t know how Henry wound up vivisected, in a pot of soup, wearing a Mexican necktie, Officer. Must have been some sort of accident.” #
  • 14:05 Silent Library just might be my new favorite show & I feel no shame. My new goal is to be on it. #
  • 20:12 Dear Diary, I can’t wait for the day my son is old enough to go outside alone & play, & I can stay in the house & mainline Draino. xoxo. #
  • 21:18 The combined forces of Chooch & #thingieball just broke my knuckle, I think. #
  • 21:37 Oh boy, that’s a positive. #phrasesthatcouldmakethistheworstdayever #
  • 22:53 I’m grateful humans were built w/ the capability to summon shrill shrieks from voice boxes. Toddlers (or myself) just wouldn’t be the same. #
  • 09:34 My wrist feels like there’s a burning knife pressed against it & I’m freaking out. #
  • 14:08 Maternity wards should hand out white flags as a consolation to new mothers. #
  • 15:12 The Kennywood trolley has passed my house twice today, leaving a trail of calliope notes in its wake. TWO MORE DAYS! #
  • 15:13 And now I can’t stop thinking about Calliope from Days of Our Lives, circa 1980s. She had a LIGHT UP WEDDING DRESS. She was my idol. #
  • 16:50 I wish Henry was Trey Songz. Or at least the same age as him. #
  • 17:07 Chooch: “What are u doing?” Me: “A dance I just created from sheer Awesome.” Chooch: “You’re blocking the TV” Who’s the 3year old, indeed #
  • 18:54 Making Janna watch Silent Library & dying all over again. Watching someone eat a sweaty man’s spaghetti shoelaces never gets old. #
  • 21:37 Janna was almost able 2 pee alone in my house for the 1st time in 4mths, but Chooch caught her in his peripheral as she crept up the steps. #
  • 13:51 Really need to learn how to delete speed dial entries so I can stop purse-dialing assholes I hate. God forbid they should think I care. #
  • 14:01 Yes, roll up next to me in your car that’s vibrating with the basslines of Eminem. & if that didn’t impress me, an eyeful of ur boxers will #
  • 14:37 Dear Etsy, thank you for providing me with adequate funds for a day at Kennywood, and also to feed my kid I guess. #
  • 19:09 Chooch: “What’s a rainbow?” Henry: “Something in the sky, or if it was on @saucalisha’s car, it would be on the bumper.” She didn’t deny it  #
  • 19:12 So I guess now that Chooch wears underwear, he’s too big to give his mother a kiss goodbye. #
  • 21:50 Two aversions I’ve created for my son by shrieking excitedly: hockey & firecrackers. #
  • 00:41 Apparently Alisha doesn’t like my car-dancing which is just very sad to me. When I started choking she asked if it was on my whiteness. BURN #
  • 09:48 Trying to convince Chooch that the Goblin King sings “Changes,” which is on the radio right now. He’s not buying it. #
  • 10:34 Alisha requested that I take a valium before we go to Kennywood today but I couldn’t get a hold of my dealer. Owellzorz. #
  • 14:31 Kennywood makes me feel bossy & militant, but there’s shit I need to do & everyone should follow w/o argument. #
  • 14:42 Alisha & Blake are abusive. I’m crying. On the inside. #
  • 14:42 I hate them. #
  • 14:55 twitpic.com/80zql – All of Henry’s shirts should be this cool. #
  • 15:59 Blake gleefully enjoying an afternoon jaunt upon a merry-go-round (after putting much thought into which horse to pick) is making me LOL. #
  • 18:26 We’re eating Potato Patch fries next to speakers pumping out frenetic techno & in my head this is a fry-eating video game & I’m on Level 2. #
  • 18:31 twitpic.com/81rtt – Oh shiiiiiiiiii—it’s about to get all a’juggle up in here #
  • 18:36 Asked Alisha if my new juggle-lover dropped a ball on purpose, she ANGRILY said “I’m not watching” b/c she’s against the juggling of objects #
  • 18:37 I want this guy to juggle Henry’s ballsack. Consider it a Father’s Day gift, you know? #
  • 18:47 Ok srsly me and this juggler need to get in my bed. Preferrably without Henry, but that could be fun if Henry didn’t get all needy. #
  • 21:34 Henry’s happy watching other people be happy. This is baffling to me. #
  • 10:09 I left my voice at Kennywood. Henry will cheer. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

(I like making up my own Twitter hash tags and then acting surprised when none of them catch on. It’s what I do.)

Tweets on Parade

 tweets
Jun 172009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 01:19 I’ve bribed my kid w/ toys, DVDs, playground trips & ice cream for breakfast, but what got him to use the potty is a fucking sticker chart. #
  • 01:55 I want Hoobastank to break up so I can call them Hoobastunk. Then hopefully Theory of a Dead Man will follow & I’ll call them Wait, Who? #
  • 01:58 Obv I’m using “alternative” radio to lull me. How’s that working, u didn’t ask? About as well as Henry’s back. #myboyfriendisold&icantsleep #
  • 01:59 (If I had said “weener,” he’d have cried, you know.) #
  • 10:08 You know what’s awesome for social anxiety? Going to a parade. #
  • 11:31 After being ditched at St Square for 45min by my gallant boyfriend, we might get to catch 5 min of this parade. #
  • 11:32 And I won’t lie – behind my Olson shades I was crying. #
  • 11:35 Thank God for Tyrone the janitor & his pre-paid cell phone. #
  • 11:47 Somehow we made it & I haven’t choked on my neuroses yet. #
  • 12:08 Of course I would stand on top of a sewer. Would be weird if I didn’t. #
  • 12:44 Totally in tears. #
  • 19:22 Despite a container of black paint exploding on me &getting lost from Henry (I’m an incapable being, remember) today was pretty awesome #
  • 19:32 I could have done without Chooch chanting “you mother fucker” for 10 non-stop minutes, though. He’s since been quieted by a zombie flick. #
  • 20:16 RT @RhondaKibuk: I saw the Stanley Cup today. RT if you did too. #
  • 01:01 Henry claims he hears crying & is walking around turning off fans & radios to hear better inside his imagination. #myboyfriendishaunted #
  • 09:54 Chooch, upon seeing a picture of himself on the computer: “Look at THAT jackass.” #
  • 14:04 Henry & I are playing the “Who Wanted to Break Up First” game & my teeth hurt. #
  • 14:11 And then I corrected his incorrect use of your/you’re so he quit playing. #
  • 20:24 Have convinced Chooch my hair’s to be shorn into a teal-hued faux-hawk tmrw & he’s flipping out. “NO! No no no!That’s just DUMB!” he cried. #
  • 20:26 He’s begging me in high octave, “Mommy don’t do it, plz don’t do it” which I will add to the list of Things That Make By Passers Go WTF. #
  • 00:06 I’m going to Kennywood on Sunday (local amusement park) & I CAN’T FUCKING SLEEP I’M SO EXCITED BITCH OMG. It’s like Xmas Eve every time. #
  • 09:42 Remember when I campaigned to get the school cafeteria to stop doling out tomatoes infused with scorpion DNA? #
  • 09:43 Shit, never mind. That was Emma from Degrassi. I didn’t care enough to make a difference. #
  • 10:08 A rape flashback was never so brutal. (-LY HILARIOUS.) #
  • 14:01 It’s nice to know that if I try to do something nice for myself, after being stuck in the house 24-7 with Damien, I’m being selfish. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

tweets drink plasma from the Stanley Cup

 tweets
Jun 142009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:45 Now that I know that Annie from 90210 was on Degrassi, it all makes so much sense. #
  • 22:20 Honest to shit, I’m too scared to tweet. #
  • 22:22 Slowest moving clock. Ever. In history. #
  • 22:42 BOW DOWN, HATERS. #letsgopens #
  • 22:44 That was COMPLETELY worth missing the @craigeryowens show. TOTALLY & COMPLETELY. #
  • 23:12 Chooch has just now forgiven me for sending him into emotional duress with my hysterical screams, & then he joined me outside to scream. #
  • 23:23 Geno: “Hi.” *swig of bubbly* = my fave moment. #
  • 00:28 Henry’s talking like a stroke victim again. #myboyfriendisold #
  • 00:31 Think back to when you sat next to Grandpa, watching TV & enduring his laboring, open-mouthed breathing. #myboyfriendisold #
  • 02:58 I used to see Capn Crunch on the ceiling of my last apartment. I’d pray to him, vent on him, ask him if my tits looked good in my new bra. #
  • 10:50 I have this nagging itch to have Chooch watch “Delicatessen” today. I believe a fear of French cinema & cannibalistic deli phobia should start at a young age #
  • 12:41 I have three mths to grow my nails back. #
  • 13:21 Chooch, exasperatedly: “I’m buying a babysitter for daddy.” #
  • 13:22 And I’m fine with that as long as she’s at least 75-years-old with a cleft palate and cankles. #
  • 13:37 RT @BreakingNews: A French man was killed when a sudden gust of wind blew away a beach parasol and pierced through his head. #
  • 13:38 @skyspun WEIRD because I also had that for lunch! (Eggplant casserole, not cankles.) #
  • 13:43 @skyspun I’ve always been partial to marinated love handles, myself. With a canker sore garnish. #
  • 14:06 Henry was going to get “Lexington” as his ringtone for me, but then remembered he doesn’t like me. Oh, that man. #myboyfriendisold&douchey #
  • 14:20 @skyspun only douches drop the “e” #
  • 20:02 My name is Erin, and I never fail to astound myself. #
  • 10:29 You know in cartoons, when someone sneezes hard & the roof of the house is blasted off? #myboyfriendisold&sneezeslikeacartoon #
  • 11:05 I’m spending some time alone today, on Papa Henry’s orders, else I explode. I haven’t had time to myself in so long that I feel helpless. #
  • 13:34 Jawbreakers, I don’t like the yellow ones, just in case anyone was planning on making me a hard candy gift basket for absolutely no reason. #
  • 13:35 And now @saucalisha is going to gift me with a hobo’s sockful of yellow Jawbreakers, I can feel it. #
  • 17:22 Wanted: 4 to 5 men in suits who aren’t afraid to get a little bloody. #
  • 20:00 I’m building a lemonade stand & hiring zombies as vendors. It’s going 2b great, as soon as I learn basic carpentry. Fuckit, I’ll use boxes. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Tweets, now flipping in the perfect flops

 tweets
Jun 122009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:06 When my friend Charlie texted me to say he saw a midget standing up in a Cadillac & driving it, I was overcome w/ jealousy that I missed it. #
  • 19:15 Told Chooch he was created by pouring puke into a mold of a small boy, then baking it in the devil’s kiln. He seems convinced. #
  • 20:41 @cantcme99 bitch, you got an ice cream machine? #
  • 20:55 @cantcme99 Bitch you better get one. I have a recipe for lavender ice cream and some bitch needs to make that shit for me. Ho. #
  • 21:02 @cantcme99 Target has one in a beautiful raspberry hue that I must have, lest I pull a glock on a bitch. #
  • 21:05 “Dinner ain’t over til mama serves ice cream, bitch.” Obviously my catchphrase if I was in dessert porn. #
  • 22:27 My tired son is murmuring “No ketchup, no mustard? OK.” over & over, with a chorus of tired/crazed humming. #
  • 11:19 I can’t watch Gilmore Girls without thinking of Henry, because Luke reminds me so much of him. Gotta be the blue collar. #
  • 11:51 @saucalisha and how he scored the prettiest girl in town, oh ho ho ho! #
  • 12:30 twitpic.com/6za5k – I wouldn’t mind my aunt’s impromptu food drops if she brought ME an ice cream cone too #
  • 16:02 Red onions festering in a garbage can on a humid day smell about as precious as you’d think. #
  • 18:00 It’s hard to enjoy a TV show when you abhor the main character but somehow I was able to block out Sara Rue enough to <3 Less Than Perfect. #
  • 19:51 Almost time to start jump roping aggressively, weeeee!#
  • 19:54 http://twitpic.com/70cs5 – I’d have made that borscht shit too if I wasn’t a kitchen retard. #
  • 20:45 I read something where Zetterberg was likened to Jake Gyllenhaal, but I still maintain my Jared Leto comparison. #redwingsdyetheirbeards #
  • 21:08 At least they won’t get another shut out! #redwingsdyetheirpubes #
  • 22:39 PUT THAT CUP BACK. #
  • 23:47 Henry would appreciate if I left his name out of “pervy” blog posts plz. #
  • 10:29 I made a new banner for my photo shop on Etsy. Yay or nay? http://bit.ly/54MeC #
  • 13:09 This makes my veins seize up, but I love it: The Used’s New Album Artwork http://bit.ly/7DrJF #
  • 14:05 Sorry @craigeryowens. I love you, but I’ve officially forfeited my ticket to yr show Friday in favor of the Penguins. #
  • 14:11 I’ve been tossing a toy out the window when Chooch is bad. My front yard now looks like it could grace the July cover of White Trash Fancy. #
  • 18:00 I answer all of Chooch’s questions with: “Because you won’t pee on the potty.” I got that from the Immature Mom Handbook. #
  • 18:02 Chooch: “I said hi to [neighbor] Ruth but she didn’t hear me, why?” Immature Mom: “B/c you won’t pee on the potty.” Chooch: “Shut up b … #
  • 19:05 Packing my bags, dyeing my hair black, starting over in Santa Fe with a new name. #
  • 22:20 Putting out fires with my menstruating vagina. #crapsuperpowers #
  • 22:40 Hearing God at all times, but he has Fran Drescher’s voice & a penchant for singing that shit Titanic shit. #crapsuperpowers. #
  • 23:08 Me + stubborn Chooch + potty training – patience = BAD SITCOM. #
  • 17:16 I wish there was a 24-7 Battle of the Network Stars channel so I could put my Robert Conrad lust to good use. #
  • 17:43 Was so close to ordering a Father’s Day gift for Henry b4 remembering @ THE LAST MINUTE that he got me NOTHING for Mother’s Day. So SUCKIT. #
  • 21:55 True Story: Once, I had a dream that Dakota Fanning was Henry’s daughter & he LOVED HER MORE THAN ME. I’ve hated that bitchtit ever since. #
  • 23:04 @Citizen_Lazlo no, that makes women like me happy! #
  • 01:14 Whenever I fear possible tweets might be taken the wrong way, I send ’em over to Janna instead. She’s lonely so she appreciates it. #
  • 10:58 Here’s how Henry helps with pottytraining = “Do you want to use the potty, Chooch?” “NO!@!!!” “Ok.” Bravo. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

tweets and a desperate plea

 Shit about me, tweets
Jun 082009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:43 June, you have barely begun and already I want to hump you. #
  • 01:47 Henry whored me out. #
  • 10:13 Thinking negatively has worked quite well for me thus far. Especially when I was hoping I didn’t have AIDs. #
  • 13:14 Since it’s Henry’s birthday, I think he should buy me a new coffee mug at the Arts Festival. #
  • 13:38 Henry tripped over a sandbag & I laughed riotously to which Alisha replied, “Really? Because you did the same thing like 3x already.” #
  • 13:45 My street team, we are bumbling retards. “You do it! No you do it!” #
  • 14:15 Just learned that Alisha and I would not fare well on the same relay team. #
  • 14:41 twitpic.com/6rffv – Downtown Pittsburgh is severely lacking in metal surfaces. #
  • 15:41 Alisha, with me under her (mean) wing: If you’re going to walk downtown, you’re going to do it right. #
  • 16:31 Zany Circus guy just asked if it’s anyone’s birthday & Henry gave me a serious Don’t You Dare glare. #
  • 16:42 twitpic.com/6rst8 – She’s filling in for me; had a slight case of appendicitus today. #
  • 18:02 Listening to Your Best Friend after a dayful of laffs @ Arts Festival, closest I’ve felt to my beloved Summer of ’98. A+, would relive. #
  • 18:04 Me, as we’re sitting here zoning out: “It’s like Quiet Time.” Alisha: “Except you ruined it by talking.” She totally missed my voice though #
  • 19:00 twitpic.com/6s80h – Henry’s feeling frisky on his birthday, tackles his son. #
  • 21:58 It’s like the Penguins are playing with a bunch of tempermental Erins out there. #
  • 22:03 Alisha’s trying to get Henry to talk about what D-Day was like. #
  • 22:07 I want to see my sinister cat Marcy out there on a line with Satan, coat the puck with some goat blood and get a few dozen goals. #
  • 22:41 It’s sad when talent is overshadowed by temper. #
  • 22:49 Brightside: Hossa didn’t score? Srsly, Wings deserved that win. Pens were playing like a bunch of kids w/ broken bottles in an alley. What? #
  • 22:52 I don’t know why I’m laughing right now & not crying? Probably because it’s hard not to chuckle at a good folly. And I have sun poisoning. #
  • 23:11 But I’ll tell you what DOES make me cry: the lack of Boggle enthusiasm in my hizzy right now. Whatever. I’d win anyway. #
  • 02:43 It seems w/ Henry’s new age comes brand new tv-watching heavy breathing. Time for some belated birthday arsenic, I say. Or a clothes pin. #
  • 14:06 Chooch just helped himself at PetCo’s pet bar, and liked it too. #
  • 16:37 Luring Alisha over to the iCarly side of life. She was hooked halfway through one episode, though she tried to be covert with her smiling. #
  • 19:25 Quintessential old ppl sat behind us at dinner. Topics included: those young ppl, arthritis, “hold on, I have to take my pills.” #
  • 19:27 And Henry came to their defense, stating that only one was old. “The other was only about 50.” Wait, I thought—-? O.o #
  • 22:46 I have resorted to enlisting ChaCha to help me remember the name of my favorite 70s (80s?) French porn with the stuffed animal vignette. #
  • 23:37 Came across an old lj comment where i declared my rap name as “Prof. Lil’ Vaggie. B/C I be makin’ yo head spin w/ my philosophical jargon.” #
  • 00:05 Reflecting over the weekend’s tweets, I’ve learned to stop tweeting while walking. Walk-tweeting. Tweet-walking, Whatever, just don’t do it. #
  • 10:14 My apparent consolation for having a shitty mom is being inundated w/ food from her sister. I’m not entirely comfortable with this. #
  • 12:19 I think it’s less of a desire to help out her family, more of a chronic infatuation w/ browsing cereal to soft hits from the 80s. #
  • 12:39 Henry’s home, inspecting all the meat-laden products my aunt Sharon delivered, and asked “Does she not like you?” Um, duh. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI

AND NOW: A PLEA

Henry was just mentioning how he should be so thrilled that he has a girlfriend he can watch porn with, but instead he winds up annoyed and frustrated because my criteria is so specific. It has to be from the 70s. It has to be weird. It has to have some taboo elements to it (like Nightdreams, which is one of my all time faves. Hello, Satan and GOD are in it, and a Jack-in-the-Box. what’s not to love about that??). There are times when he’ll pop in a DVD and immediately I’m all “aw hell no, that girl’s voice is ruining it for me and I don’t like that she has a bruised thigh” or “I can tell immediately that I won’t like this one because that dude looks like you” or “I can tell by the music that this isn’t going to be scary enough, and right now in this moment I am desiring something scary” so then it’s back to the drawing board for him.

After he was complaining about it last night, he goes, “What do you like?? I will never understand your standards!” and I was like, “Hey remember that French porn you rented last summer? That was my favorite one ever, I think. Well, amaybe Clown Porn wins that title, but still — close second.”

Yes, last summer Henry rented this French porno from a small video shop nearby (sending Henry out to rent porn is way more rewarding to me than to see him cowardly downloading it). It was from the 70s and I enthused about it for weeks. Now I desperately would like to have it again. Except that I can’t remember what it was called, what year it was from specifically, and anyone who was in it.

OK seriously, if there are any porn afficionados out there, now’s the time to dip into your vault of XXX knowledge. Here is a small list of information, the best I can offer:

  1. It was French and sub-titled, from some part of the 70s.
  2. The plot had something to do with a reporter whose boss sent him out to interview several women about sex.
  3. The main guy looked to be in his late thirties and I think he was balding and not very attractive, but of course all these women were like, “Oh plz mister, let us give you just one quick blow job” and then he would sigh exasperatedly and mumble, “Oh alright.”
  4. He had a girlfriend/wife, but they were on the verge of breaking up
  5. One of the women he interviewed was a romance novel writer or something, and she got all her ideas from her dreams. In one of her dreams, she was in a kitchen and goes, “Give me your juicy carrot” and I remember groaning because that’s like something Janna would name a weener, but really this broad was actually fucking a juicy carrot.
  6. Another girl he interviewed had orgies with her stuffed animal collection.

PLEASE HELP ME LOCATE THIS CLASSY ADULT FILM.

I’m also forever on the prowl for Revolutionary War porn, so if anyone has any leads on that too, plz help this girlie-face out. And tell me to never refer to myself as ‘girlie-face’ ever again.


deceased tweets

 tweets
Jun 052009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 13:28 My house was so much cleaner WHEN I LIVED ALONE. I’m moving Chooch and Henry out to the garage. #
  • 13:43 Chooch watched the New Moon trailer 56578x but is frustrated that Jacob is not a polar bear. #
  • 20:15 My 3yo recognizing & excitedly yelling SPENCER! at the TV while watching “I’m a Celebrity…” makes me choke on parental failure. #
  • 20:50 Chooch: “I’mma go to the store with daddy, buy you a Sidney Crosby cookie. And I’ll have Malkin one.” <3 that damn kid. #

  • 09:18 Chooch is sleeping with a Cure flask next to him & I swear it’s not what it seems. #
  • 14:05 I wish I had a Brody Jenner in my life to go to for advice, like which sunglasses to wear on a day I want to look particularly douchey. #
  • 14:14 Come to my house & bat balloons with a flyswatter. It’s like a game you’d play at a trailer park bbq but with a real balloon, not a condom #
  • 14:26 Me, about hockey: “This is exactly how I used to feel when I’d watch Andre Agassi play, too.” Henry: “Gay?” #
  • 19:56 Alisha’s at my hizzy, haaaaay! #
  • 22:05 Maybe Lemieux should suit up. #
  • 22:34 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #letsgopens wtfomgijustpeed #
  • 22:35 I managed to hurt my wrist by punching the air. #
  • 17:13 Tonight we feast on burnt spaghetti. #
  • 19:53 Chooch just delved into MY branch of culinary arts by baking a plastic lid. #
  • 22:06 I could listen to Chooch say “god dammit Marvin” all the livelong day. #
  • 16:35 How many fingernails will tonight’s game strip from me – I only have 4 left. #
  • 16:49 Only way to get Chooch to eat Spaghetti-Os was by telling him the meatballs were made from vampire flesh. #
  • 20:27 I feel like I need to take a vaca after this hockey bullshit. And also get my heart checked. #
  • 20:30 Pedestrians outside my house think I’m dubbing an aggro porno. #
  • 21:41 HELLO THESE ARE THE PENGUINS WE KNOW & LOVE! #
  • 22:57 I think the Red Wings are a great, skilled team. But after awhile they looked like a bunch of Henrys out there: old & beat. #

  • 12:22 Would like to know why my son keeps saying there are dead people in his diaper, & why that isn’t tempting him to use the FUCKING POTTY. #
  • 12:27 The scene in Monster Squad where Frank sees a mask of himself and asks “Sc-scary?” KILLS ME every time. Probably because I can relate. #
  • 12:49 Remember when I went thru that phase where I could only get off by thinking of dead people? Maybe those same ones are in Chooch’s diaper. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

tweets get overzealous for chiodos, oh noes

 tweets
Jun 012009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 12:42 It might not be there yet, but by the time Chooch is done with it, Pittsburgh just might be the murder capital of the world. #
  • 13:36 BRB my son’s mopping the kitchen floor. #
  • 14:16 I’m the one who always has paint on her hands. #
  • 15:33 We might eventually make it to Columbus. I hope. If I ditch Henry & hitch with a bigrig. #
  • 16:14 Henry’s talking abt pillow prices & subsequent quality. Hope he knows I quit listening after I realized that it had nothing to do w/ sex. #
  • 16:36 At first I thought “Arthritis?” But now I’m sure it’s a gang of Satantic fire ants fucking on my tendon. It would be rude to stop them. #
  • 16:45 Or it could be a jumprope injury, whatevelyn. #
  • 17:18 Henry, it’s hard to talk about my crush when you keep rolling your eyes. #
  • 17:50 I hope one day @Chiodos will know how much I love them. #
  • 18:27 “Because I got tangled in my underwear in a Subway restroom” would be a lame reason to miss a show. #
  • 18:48 twitpic.com/67rb7 – Stuck in traffic being serenaded by a country-music blasting biker gang. #
  • 18:51 I can’t stop laughing about these lame bikers & henry is so confused. “I guess its only funny to you younger generation assholes.” #
  • 19:06 Henry just scolded me for telling a bunch of little kids that the Penguins are going to win. #
  • 19:32 There’s something about the tone of the dude’s voice behind me that’s lacerating my patience. #
  • 20:02 God, give me one Strongbow & I’m ready to start throwing blows. The gutteral bellows from the stage are like extra steroids in my rage sundae … #
  • 21:27 There is a sea of scene coifs here, Henry. Pick one, we’ll make it work. #  
  • 21:58 Trying to talk Henry into saying he’s Papa Owens to get backstage. He smirked, which means no. I’m drunk. Give me a face to punch, bye. #
  • 23:20 How many more times do I have to be in the same room as him, within reaching distance, before I actually talk to him. (Don’t answer that.) #
  • 00:23 I should not be replying to anyone when I’m drunk, but Henry is boring me on the drive home so here I am, amok on Twitter. #
  • 01:15 @coupesetique his dome was unadorned tonight, but he still wore his standard annoyed scowl! #
  • 01:19 At dinner tonight w/ Janna & her parents, Chooch informed them that he wants to set Christina on fire. He holds grudges as tight as I do. #
  • 01:46 It’s dark&foggy & Henry’s driving is erratic. I’m half-expecting a Pee Wee’s Big Adventure-esque cliff-roll. #
  • 11:46 Chiodos hangover, regret from not punching Hanna-Barbera voice, eyelid paralysis. #
  • 12:27 Gee, thank god my aunt just reminded me that the Penguins play tonight because I totally had NOT been thinking about that CONSTANTLY.
  • 16:08 My sensitive eyes are forcing me to wear my sunglasses inside. My inner scenester prat is being unleashed. #
  • 16:19 if I was one of those crop dusting pilots, I’d fly around pelting people with dead things. #
  • 16:34 Dead things amd scratch offs. “I just got hit with a rotted scrotum, but at least I won a free ticket.” #
  • 16:36 “amd” is how we half-blind people who wear sunglasses indoors spell “and.” Learn it. Use it. Disinfect it. #
  • 17:12 @BreakingNews This should not be breaking news. #
  • 20:03 I have no other words but OMGOMGOMGOMG. #letsgopens #
  • 22:20 I have so many asshole-y tweets making my fingers itch, but I’m too afraid of jinxing my Penguins. #letsgopens #
  • 00:08 It doesn’t get any better than Zetterberg? Really? #
  • 12:05 I can’t believe fucking Nadal lost. #
  • 12:10 Chooch dictates how long Henry and I are allowed to hug, then much to Henry’s relief it’s all “OK that’s enough, you’re done now.” #
  • 13:05 I miss Alisha. #
  • 16:44 twitpic.com/6cwrh – At Denny’s, talking about slicing eyeballs. #
  • 16:46 England Dan & John Ford Coley: providing soundtrack excellence for avocado burrito mastication @ Denny’s. #
  • 17:03 Where’s @saucalisha and her survival pack when we need her. #
  • 17:45 Blake’s girlfriend gets the highest seal of approval from me. She’s so cool & un-bitchy! #
  • 20:13 Chris Osgood needs suckerpunched in his smug face. #
  • 20:19 You can’t spell Asshole without the Hossa. #  (I wish I could claim that as my own.)
  • 22:43 I fucking love you, Malkin!!!!! #
  • 22:44 I hope little Jared Leto, I mean Zettercunt, didn’t suffer any facial blemishes. #
  • 23:51 I love Henry. THERE I SAID IT. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

My tweets probably have a crush on you.

 tweets
May 292009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:21 #3wordsaftersex Is that blood? #
  • 16:31 This weekend calls for a horror movie marathon. #
  • 17:01 #3wordsaftersex wait, you’re dead? #
  • 17:02 #3wordsaftersex where’s my penis? #
  • 17:05 Thanks for storing cleaner in a Mountain Dew bottle, Henry. #
  • 17:11 #3wordsaftersex I’m really 12. #
  • 17:12 #3wordsaftersex I’m a priest. #
  • 17:13 #3wordsaftersex peg leg ftw #
  • 20:29 #3wordsaftersex enjoy my AIDS. (Srsly, I’m done now.) #  
  • 21:29 @skyspun I walk unflinchingly through Taboo Town. #
  • 22:15 Chooch enjoys sarcasm, watching people pee, white cheddar Cheezits, & brushing Janna’s hair so it looks “just like daddy’s”. #
  • 01:48 And why should this Spring be any different. #
  • 08:58 It’s going to be weird not seeing @saucalisha this weekend. I hope Henry remembers how to ridicule me on his own. #
  • 11:34 You know that you will always lose this trembling, adored, tousled bird mad girl. /gothy-pout moment. #
  • 20:46 Someday I might be able to listen to “Everlong” without wanting to rip out my heart. But probably not. Oh memories. #
  • 23:51 Oooh lordy child, tomorra’s gon’ be a gud day. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

WTFtweets, Memorial Day Weekend edition

 tweets
May 282009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 12:29 Wish Henry would stop using double negatives in front of Chooch. Sure I taught him how to swear, but at least he’s grammatically correct. #
  • 16:35 It’s nice when Henry calls my friends behind my back to beg them to keep me out of the house. #
  • 20:19 God forbid I say that I have high standards in girls and have Henry & Alisha not laugh. #
  • 11:26 Of all the delightful recipes given to me on LiveJournal, I think I accidentally picked the one that requires the most effort on my part. #
  • 13:57 Henry is trying to sabotage my cookout contribution because he doesn’t want everyone to know how AWESOME I CAN BE!!!! #
  • 14:35 Experiment in Terror by Al Caiola is the perfect apple peeling music. #
  • 15:25 I can’t believe people willingly slice apples for a living. Six apples later & I think 2 of my knuckles have collapsed. #
  • 16:04 Janna made a salad & my two least favorite vegetables are in the name so I already know I hate it. I’ll refer to it as Ovechkin Salad. #
  • 16:29 Alisha had a crush on Atreyu from Neverending Story because she thought he was a girl. #
  • 18:37 Estrogen. Have you ever drowned in it. #
  • 19:00 #thingieball circle edition. #
  • 20:54 Best Uno game ever in my backyard, bitch holes. #
  • 21:09 Best Memorial weekend cookout I ever done have. #
  • 21:32 My neighbors probably think we’re having a cock fight down here, but its motherfucking Uno. #
  • 09:59 Hangover or not, I wouldn’t for the world miss the shitty Memorial parade that shits past my house. Perfect for asshole hecklers like me. #
  • 10:03 OH BOY a plane flew real low & now Henry’s being an expert because it is in fact a plane of his ppl. And by ppl I mean the MILITARY. #
  • 10:22 I’m not joining in on all this police applause. #
  • 10:33 TJMaxx is basically synonymous w/ Memorial Day so of course they’d have a car in the parade, complete w/ a girl flicking out a cig butt #
  • 10:38 twitpic.com/5x8jp – I’d get so many chicks if this was my ride. #
  • 10:43 So far the highlight has been all the boy & girl scouts trying to sidestep the smashed rabbit carcass in front of my house. #
  • 10:58 I’m like “That was a gay parade” at the same time Henry’s mom gushed, “that was a nice parade!” #
  • 12:18 Want to ask this dude how much his Jesus picture is but he won’t stop having sexy flea market talk w/ some old broad. God, fuck already. #
  • 12:26 You never expect to take a fart to the face when looking at jewelry. Well, at least not twice. #
  • 17:41 I sustained legitimate #thingieball-related muscle soreness. A souvenir of Lesbian Takeover Nite that I will gladly cherish. #
  • 17:58 Wish I could tweet the tone Henry uses when I ask stupid questions. #
  • 19:00 No Kate Gosselin, you’re not green. You’re fucking orange. #
  • 19:38 @alysonc3 for some ungodly reason, I used to sort of like her, but now I’m all “Go Jon, get yo’self laid!” #
  • 20:37 They just don’t make Skip-Its like they used to. Which is I guess why they’re not called Skip-Its anymore. #
  • 21:40 The new season brings us a de-oranged Kate. Still has that douche-drapery hanging over her right eye though. #
  • 09:49 Oh I have policies alright. I’m just not sure what they are yet. Aside from You Clog It You Clean It. #
  • 09:50 And: You Kill It You Bury It. But Not In My Backyard. #
  • 11:22 Obviously the theme of 2009 has been Learn Who Your Real Friends Are. Instead of sulking, I’ve weeded out the bad ones & made new ones. #
  • 12:34 Henry inherited his story-telling skills from his mom. I usually stop attempting to follow along after the first oft-nonsensical sentence. #
  • 12:35 And then I want to ask him if he’d like to talk about the stroke I never knew he had. #
  • 14:37 Henry, you sly little matchmaker you. #
  • 20:04 Aside from Cam Ward, I just don’t hate any of these Hurricanes & that makes me sad. #
  • 20:41 Come on Crosby, give us something fancy! #letsgopens #
  • 20:51 And I just learned I didn’t have to peel the apples that went into my salad on Sunday. MOTHERFUCK. #
  • 21:58 SWEEEEEEEEP! #
  • 22:00 I’m officially crying!! #letsgopens #
  • 22:11 @alysonc3 I NEED THAT! I was like “they should have a machine for this” & Alisha goes “uh, they do & its called a corer.” #
  • 22:37 My cocky three-year-old just sneered & said, “I’m not scared of you.” WTFsies. #
  • 00:10 So maybe listening to Frank Turner while drinking wine isn’t the best idea I’ve had lately, it still feels fucking good to just FEEL. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

tweeting for albinos

 tweets
May 242009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 13:15 Maybe it’s just me being paranoid, but it seems like Henry is intentionally hitting #thingieball into the street. #
  • 15:11 Evidently, the concept of Evite is very confusing to some people. #
  • 19:26 Chooch is looking a little too enthralled while watching motorcycle hill climbs on TV. Not in your future, sonny boy. #
  • 20:18 Longest first period ever. #letsgopens #
  • 22:33 Alisha wants butt tits, pass it on. #
  • 00:52 I think I smiled all day long. #
  • 10:18 The torrent of swear words my kid just spewed, paired with the weird lurching of his body, could be considered performance art. #
  • 12:28 You know that feeling you get when you dump your first body in a ditch by the power plant? That’s the feeling I have right now. #
  • 12:31 It feels like mint chocolate chip icecream, melting in my belly. I mean, no. I have no idea…LOOK! BUTT TITS. #
  • 12:42 Thanks for the #followfriday lovin’, you guys! #
  • 12:48 @citizen_lazlo Well..no. That’s how I feel after pond diving for pennies with the bindle stiffs. #
  • 14:22 A shop that’s opening this summer in one of our artsy areas is interested in selling my art, wtf!? #
  • 15:33 If I was President, I would coldcock Ticketmaster into submission, because that is where my priorities lie. Fuck health care etc! #
  • 16:03 I’ve always liked this song b/c it sounds like the inside of my brain: xiu xiu “boy soprano” ♫ twt.fm/125907 #twtfm #
  • 16:04 Welcome to Evgenistan, indeed motherfuckers. #
  • 19:51 This time next week, Chiodos will have my undivided attention. Well, unless @saucalisha whips out a butt tit. #
  • 21:51 The Red Wings fucking scare me. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Tweets for Penguins

 tweets
May 212009
 

_MG_0852

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 12:54 Fuck, Chooch is being such an Ovechkin right now. #
  • 14:04 I was featured here & she supports the Penguins, too! bit.ly/17Kgs8 #
  • 14:13 @RhondaKibuk I can’t wait – a whole new team to heckle! I HATE THAT THEY HAVE CHEERLEADERS. Fucking Whoricanes. #
  • 18:17 If sexting was around when I was in school, I probably would have engaged. That is, when I wasn’t too busy having real sex. #
  • 18:41 Jealousy makes people look fucking retarded & I can’t lie – I love it. #
  • 19:56 SATAN!!!!!! #
  • 23:46 Fuck I need a county fair. Rusty-bolted rides and gnarly carnies, take me away. #
  • 11:03 Found it strange when, out of the blue, Chooch asked to give me a kiss. But when he spit in my face, it wasn’t so strange anymore. #
  • 11:09 Hey SportsCenter, why not stroke Cam Ward’s cock a little harder. Hope you intend to swallow. #
  • 12:26 Henry was just staring out the window at our new neighbor. With his hand down his pants. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s a midget. #
  • 19:51 I’m giddy thinking of all the potential trouble awaiting me this summer. #
  • 22:13 Considering calling Henry “Gayb” from now. Short for gaybo. Because he is one. A gaybo. Fucking Gayb. #
  • 22:30 Watching Red Wings/Blackhawks game, totally spied some Bumpit-fied broad in the crowd. 1st time seeing it outside of the commercial, guys! #
  • 02:18 29 years old and I still can’t sleep with my back to the bedroom door. #
  • 20:55 Janna is struggling at iSpy; it is sad yet hilarious simultaneously. #
  • 20:57 Perhaps I’m being too ambitious with the TV show starring Henry’s eyebrows. The realistic first step is giving them a LiveJournal. #
  • 00:10 My dream job is to write uncensored reviews of amusement parks and carnivals. #
  • 08:37 Can’t wait to get drunk & play #thingieball this weekend. Sounds like a tutu occasion, if you ask me. #
  • 08:38 Perhaps I should also bring a helmet. #
  • 08:49 @saucalisha yes because I don’t trust you! Also, I’m thinking a sword…. #
  • 12:18 Wondering what it’s like to have a TREEHOUSE since SOMEONE won’t build me one. (GAYB!!!) #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Long Drives Make For Prolific Tweets. My Apologies.

 tweets
May 182009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:44 Oh, the predicaments my son puts me in. #
  • 21:12 Trying to make my hair look bumpified without the aid of a Bumpit. If I could just…get…this…dildo to stay. #
  • 10:51 Chooch can’t call me Angel Mommy. #
  • 18:12 twitpic.com/58t8u – Making Janna’s tea. Better her than me. #
  • 19:41 Janna: “Chooch, you’re a hassle.” Chooch: “No. YOU a asshole.” #
  • 14:15 Get the campfire started: Henry’s telling SERVICE stories. #
  • 17:50 Henry, about Chooch’s trying demeanor: “It’s like having [Erin] reincarnated as a three-year-old.” #
  • 18:03 Chooch wants to take his shirt off at King’s and eat asshole cake. #
  • 18:08 Thingie Ball sign ups are happening tomorrow for those interested in being a part of a lucrative new team sport. #
  • 18:34 Henry’s giving relationship advice. My gears are turning. He needs a column. #
  • 21:47 Appalled that Alisha doesn’t like my soultrain car dancing moves. #
  • 11:41 Fingers should not be confused with shoehorns. #
  • 12:47 Chooch: provider of comedic day trip commentary. #
  • 13:06 twitpic.com/5daku – Father-Son Elbow Bonding. #
  • 13:45 Henry just threatened to turn around and “clock” me. #
  • 14:50 Blake & Chooch just professed their mutual hatred, then Chooch mumbled “You sonofabitch.” #
  • 15:23 Alisha took us to the saddest chocolate kingdom in Sharon, PA. I wept for it. #
  • 18:10 About to enroll in Amish classes. #
  • 18:12 I say I’m down to earth & everyone laughs. #
  • 18:20 Trying to write a script for a tv show starring Henry’s eyebrows. #
  • 18:43 twitpic.com/5e4zk – Been staring at this shit for the past two hrs, self-killing about to begin. #
  • 18:46 I’d rather be playing Thingie Ball. #
  • 19:43 Everytime new neighbor comes home, Thingie Ball’s been happenin’ in the front yard. He’s prob thinking “white ppl & their stupid games.” #
  • 21:58 Made Alisha a sandwich and she ate it. That was stupid. #
  • 11:47 My DiPoe friends have been featured on American Indie ” the ensuing interview is a fab read! tinyurl.com/prl7g8 #
  • 11:48 ” is the new & #
  • 12:19 Omg if Henry makes ONE MORE annoyed face at the mention of Thingie Ball, I’m leaving him. And I’m taking Thingie Ball with me. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Tweets: Of Missing Cats, Vampiric Sons, and a Slaughterhouse on Skates

 tweets
May 142009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:43 Caught Chooch dropping some sort of crumb into my coffee, & it’s awesome to wonder how often he does that without my noticing. Yummy. #
  • 16:50 I chose the exact moment my shirt was completely soaked from the rain & clinging to my tits to meet my new (male) neighbor. Classy. #
  • 19:04 twitpic.com/5078r – I was told by Chooch to take this picture and “twitter” it. #
  • 20:55 Attempting to distract myself with a crossword puzzle. #
  • 09:51 My cat still hasn’t come home. Time to start inundating the ‘hood with pleas. (OMG plz be alive, Nicotina.) #
  • 11:45 Bait shop owners are liars. #
  • 14:11 Leaving beverages unattended in the presence of Chooch render them undrinkable. Fuck. #
  • 14:54 Welsh rabbit might be something I’d be willing to maybe try to attempt to make someday perhaps who knows maybe. #
  • 17:42 A cat search party consisting of a 29 year old retard and a 3 year old with old man hearing is not very condusive. Saw a bunny, though. #
  • 10:04 Chooch, if you know the name of the song, why do you ask? Oh yeah – to act self-righteous when I don’t know it. #
  • 10:47 God gave me hair so that one day my son could wipe his snot with it. #
  • 12:11 This is the happiest I’ve been in years, not for any particular reason either. #
  • 12:39 Brb, buying an albino. #
  • 13:30 STOP PUTTING STUFF IN MY COFFEE. #
  • 14:23 @saucalisha this may be the best idea you’ve ever had. Well, aside from friending me on LJ. #
  • 19:08 Mama’s pouring herself a nice big glass of wine for this. #
  • 19:20 @daboogmang it’s going to be Fleury’s game! (I hope.) #
  • 20:14 OMFG #letsgopens #
  • 21:21 Best night ever: Penguins are a skating slaughterhouse AND my cat Nicotina came home. #
  • 21:29 twitpic.com/54nrt – The reason she ran away in the first place. #
  • 21:44 Now I’m almost glad the Penguins lost game 6. That game was brilliant. #
  • 22:06 @daboogmang I got to see one woman drown her sorrows in a hot dog and that made me LOL. #
  • 10:41 Today, Chooch has been demanding to have a bottle of blood to drink. I hope red raspberry Crystal Light will suffice. #
  • 10:42 Or I could just wait until Henry comes home and have him bleed out into a chalice. Son, fetch me my dagger. #
  • 13:17 Does anyone know if Blogathon is happening this summer? I feel inspired to torture my psyche. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

tweets douche nasally

 tweets
May 112009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 17:46 Some people really bring out my malicious side & I don’t feel as bad abt that as I should. Unless I end up in jail. Then I might feel bad. #
  • 18:32 I swear to god I wasn’t the one who made a death threat against Alex Ovechkin. Besides, mine would have been way more awesome. #
  • 19:15 Chooch, the curator of my home gallery, is trying to sell paintings to Janna. He doesn’t yet know that she’s a tightwad. #
  • 12:04 My aunt just asked me if I know how to use a microwave. A fair inquiry. #
  • 20:23 How am I supposed to watch hockey with a shredded throat. #
  • 21:10 That’s right, Sergei Gonchar. Fuck my throat. #
  • 21:38 That game was worth every excruciating scream. #
  • 13:01 Was just given a drug cocktail by @saucalisha & now I’m afraid that an OD is imminent. Henry tried to explain that a person should be OK. #
  • 13:01 I felt relieved until he followed it with, “but who knows with you.” #
  • 13:07 Was just accused of having a stripper stance. #
  • 14:33 I am in the back of a van, spectating a sensual hand-washing in the front. #
  • 14:53 Glad I brought Alisha with me because she’s giving Bill & Jessi a nice earful of Pittsburgh, whereas I’d be like “this is pgh, the end.” #
  • 15:04 Wish @bed_in_revolt would stop taking weird pictures of me! #
  • 15:37 Jesus Christ, Alisha knows A LOT about Pittsburgh. #
  • 16:56 Pre-hockey party at Mad Mex! Except I’m the only one excited. #
  • 18:22 Henry has a night stick!? #
  • 21:52 Motherfucking PENGUINS!!!!!! I accidentally kicked Chooch’s bike in my celebration and I don’t care!!! #
  • 22:46 twitpic.com/4w8jw – Bed-In on Bill. #
  • 23:24 So far, I have not succumbed to all the drugs Alisha gave me, though there was a close call during dinner at Mad Mex. #
  • 10:40 twitpic.com/4x3jd – Haahahahaaha #
  • 10:49 Alisha to Chooch: “you’re a bad liar.” Chooch: “CHRISTINA is a liar!” My son’s got my back. #
  • 13:33 Staple guns make me feel powerful. #
  • 13:48 twitpic.com/4xgkf – Eyeball pinata for the what now #
  • 14:07 Chooch’s party is hobo-themed, apparently. #
  • 16:49 It’s hard to tweet when your phone is in a garbage can. #
  • 20:15 I hope that one day I can have a birthday party as fun as Chooch’s. Only, I’d like strippers at mine. And a hookah. And hockey. #
  • 20:34 Thanks to @bed_in_revolt, I’m a ho for screamin’ dill pickle Pringles. I might even dole out bj’s for a super stack. MIGHT. #
  • 20:58 @roughdiction if I already have the dill pickle chips, there’d be no need for superfluous bj’s. #
  • 22:36 New neighbors who moved in next door think that 10:30pm on a Sunday is an appropriate time to hammer & drill. I’m gonna love these people. #
  • 10:41 Was reminding Chooch how many people came to see him yesterday at his party & he goes “Yeah, & Alisha!” I KNEW she wasn’t a real person. #
  • 11:43 I’m pretty certain Chooch caused one of my cats to run away. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

 Older Entries  Newer Entries