Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 14:00 Love is giving the last vegetarian sausage to your kid. Or is that fear? Yeah, nevermind. #
• 16:51 Spontaneous grinning is like a crack hit, only free. & it won’t fuck up yr teeth. Well, unless someone punches you during the grinning. #
• 17:24 Sorry Chooch, mommy doesn’t know how to make a “bitchy asshole” for dinner. Mommy can’t even make grilled cheese for dinner. #
• 18:22 for some reason, Henry doesn’t want to build me a clubhouse in the backyard. Now how will I ever have my waffle club meetings? #
• 18:47 Dad, I mean Henry, is dropping @saucalisha and me off at the Used show. Hopefully a block away. And by “a” I mean “6.” #
• 19:02 Thx Henry, beep a few more times. #
• 20:05 I think I am going to start writing prayers. #
• 20:07 Opening band is covering Spice Girls & Alisha keeps trying to hold my hand what? #
• 20:32 Alisha is secretly eating Cheezits because she’s afraid she’ll have to share with those around us, like it’s a fucking joint. #
• 21:23 Bert you can puke on me anyday! #
• 22:10 It was cathartic to hear the Used sing Liar, Liar. Little known fact: that song was written about Christina Nichole Harrison. #
• 22:14 Now we’re waiting for Daddy to pick us up. I’m guarding my setlist like it’s Jesus’s foreskin. #
  

  ---

• 01:17 Evidently, the Penguins & Red Wings are drinking from the same WTF stream. #
• 09:55 Henry: “It’s always nice when Chooch is laying next to me & says ‘I’m gonna cut you, Daddy.'” #
• 11:34 My Class of ’97 painting is in an Etsy treasury, hooray! bit.ly/DX51H #
• 14:47 Watching Prom Nightmares. Chooch will not be attending his. #
• 15:45 twitpic.com/4ocnd – Chooch meets Nutella. (Of course I told him it was poop at first.) #
• 15:48 twitpic.com/4ocw5 – There is something deranged going on with him. #
• 15:56 I think my brain is swollen. Which is funny, because that’s how my dad died. #
• 18:20 @dyannnnna Pittsburgh: the other Seattle. #
• 20:20 I have hope for you yet, Penguins! #
• 21:24 MALKINNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3333333333 #
• 21:29 Suck a dick, Obitchkin!! #
• 22:42 Well, now that that’s over, I can resume a normal heartrate. You know, as normal as possible considering I’m the mom of a crazyass. #
  

  ---

• 12:37 Ordering a birthday cake when half of the invitees haven’t RSVP’d is awesome. #
• 13:58 I wish I could do backflips. That’s how I would leave the tea party I’m having right now with the Care Bears & Strawberry Shortcake. #
• 13:58 And then and then and then…. #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:33 About to go dig up some bodies in the cemetery with @saucalisha. I wonder when I should tell her. #
• 15:48 twitpic.com/4hymw – Picking out tombstones, typical Sunday. #
• 16:55 twitpic.com/4i4m8 – Why do I do these things to myself. #
• 18:40 GO ANAHEIM! Poor dejected Red Wings. Wah. #
• 19:01 Me: “Get out of my studio!” Henry: “Uh, no. Get out of my KITCHEN. I’m trying to cook.” What’s more important?? Wait. Don’t answer that. #
• 19:30 Fuck, food tastes so much better when its cooked by Henry. Or mostly anyone other than me, really. #
• 19:35 I’m eating pierogies that are fully cooked, professionally seasoned, and aren’t capped with melted plastic! #
• 21:52 Shit, you make one phone call on a three-year-old’s foot & you’re charged out the ass for roaming. #
  

  ---

• 10:14 Keep hearing songs that remind me of my favorite summer. Clearly its a sign from God to become a drunk whore again. #
• 10:56 @saucalisha I think first I’ll just stop wearing a bra. You know, ease myself back into the lifestyle. #
• 12:23 twitpic.com/4jrt9 – Holla to ur drunken mama. What? #
• 14:10 I’m so glad Donald Trump introduced me to Annie Duke because I needed a new face to visualize while kick-boxing. #
• 20:25 It really is the Crosby Ovechkin Show, jesus shit. #
• 21:42 Well, at least Crosby matched Rot-mouth’s, I mean Ovechkin’s hat trick. #
• 22:19 Its good to look up & see that my son is watching some bloody adult-oriented cartoon on YouTube. I really am fantastic at this mom shit. #
  

  ---

• 11:57 Say, what’s that organ located on the right side of the body? No reason, other than I think its been punctured by my cage-fighter son. #
• 12:20 I just got a request to make an Abraham Lincoln monster and this prospect tickles me to no end. #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 18:56 Me to Alisha, after she left the room while I was spraying Febreeze: “You don’t like Febreeze!?” Alisha: “Not on me, no.” #
• 23:32 And the Canucks just shit their pants. #
  

  ---

• 00:27 Check out: “10 Questions: Blogger and Etsy Artist Erin Kelly” (twitthis.com/2errf2) #
• 10:20 Just had a flashback to when my cat’s LiveJournal was accepted into a pretentious journal review community. Shit, those were the days. #
• 11:02 @skyspun pathetic right? at my obsessive height, I think I had 8 fake LJs going at once. One was an amputated leg. #
• 11:58 If you need me, I’ll be out back, dunking my head in a rusted vat of kerosene. #
• 14:15 TouchnBrush is one of those unnecessary products I just have to have. Especially since it enables one to apply toothpaste with ONE HAND. #
• 14:16 Which makes it prudent for me since I have that amputation scheduled for the fall. #
• 17:36 Trying to find a gypsy caravan to join on Craigslist. I know I have a lot to offer. At the very least, I could be their sex pet. #
• 18:17 @daboogmang that’s the dream! Plus, I really want to wear long sequined skirts and carry a tambourine. And u know, pick-pocket fools. #
• 18:45 Training Chooch to be a pick-pocketer. Gonna wait til the church across the street lets out tmrw for a trial run. #
  

  ---

• 09:43 Lately, everything reminds me of 1998. It’s like being in purgatory. #
• 11:33 I want to make a wall stencil that says “enter as neighbors, leave as a dead body in a garbage bag.” #
• 11:34 And now I’m laughing so hard & Henry is scowling. #
• 12:55 Pre-hockey dry heaves are awesome & remind me how totally NOT PATHETIC I am. Later, I’ll queue up some Sally Struthers hunger ads & cry. #
• 16:22 Spent 60min in a room amid flashing engagement rings. It was not awesome. Henry said he’ll buy a ring when he finds a girl to give it to. #
• 16:32 Getting a box of smashed cupcakes as an engagement congratulation gift: just one of the perks of being my friend. #
• 18:28 There are times when I wish I wasn’t too ADD to learn pipe bomb assemblage. This is one of those times. #
• 20:03 I caught Henry engaging in a bro-shake with our neighbor. Can’t wait til I catch them shaking weeners. #
• 21:18 Officially off mom-duty. What should I do first: speedball, cock fight, Jello-wrestle an Albino. #
• 22:56 It’s always nice when Henry reads something I wrote & says “you’re disturbed” & when I ask “what part?” he goes “the whole thing.” A+ #
• 23:32 Where has all the cowporn gone. #
• 14:00 May’s Dark Artist Spotlight is on moi, go check it out! http://somethingdreadful.blogspot.com/2009/05/blog-post.html #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 12:48 feels proud that someone found by blog by searching “shits on a glass table”. That’s pretty tame, considering some of the past searches. #
• 13:51 Oh Jillian Michaels, you make mama’s arms burn so good. The 88 degree April sun takes care of the rest. #
• 17:03 Me: “What’s Chooch doing?” Henry: “Tying balloons to people & floating them away.” Oh, OK. #
• 19:05 Henry bought a super-padded toilet seat, feels like pissing @ great-grandma’s house. Hopefully he’ll crochet a seat cover for it. #
• 19:30 Me: “Do u want me to make u a Facebook?” Henry, panic-stricken: “NO THANK U. I prefer u don’t help me w/ ANYTHING like that.” No trust. #
• 20:47 I have a major chip on my shoulder. I’m sure that’s not noticeable AT ALL, though. #

• ---

• 05:35 Hi guess who can’t sleep. Would be a good time to polish the silver. If I had silver. #
• 09:45 Trying to explain baseball to Chooch but all he cares about is that my stick figures don’t have eyeballs. #
• 13:53 And now I’m receiving broken items in the mail from my ex-bff. How fucking symbolic. #
• 14:09 VH1, stop giving “New York” TV shows, Jesus Christ. I feel ashamed that I even know who she is. #
• 15:24 Two tickets for Chiodos in Columbus, BOUGHTEDEDED. #

• ---

• 11:16 Chooch wrestled out of my hug and shouted, “I just want to dance!” OK, Tony Manero. #
• 14:55 Chooch’s latest Internet Adventure: attempting to purchase Barry Manilow tickets. Perhaps it’s my Mother’s Day gift. #
• 21:35 I really don’t like Alex Ovechkin. Plus, his teeth remind me of The One Who Fucked Me Over. #
• 23:48 I asked Henry to cut me an apple & he began lecturing, ending with: “Most ppl adapt to their surroundings, but you would just die.” Aw. #

• ---

• 11:29 Trying to convince Chooch to make cakes for a living. #
• 16:54 I need a pen name. #
• 17:06 I’ll tell you what’s a flagrant foul – the universe elbowing my life in the face. #
• 17:09 “Un-Brodeurian” has officially been added to my “wtf are you talking about” lexicon, because I’m convinced I’m not obnoxious enough. #
• 18:19 I need a few “descriptive sentences” about myself. Help. #  
• 19:01 Sound the alarm, I am about to make pierogies for the first time ever. #
• 19:04 AHHHH THERE ARE BEADS OF HOT OIL SPRINGING FORTH. SOS. #
• 19:07 Fuck. The outside is burnt, middle frozen solid. Hoping the microwave will save the day. Or, Chooch’s dinner, I should say. #
• 19:10 It’s a good thing I landed a man who can overlook a little culinary incompetence. Because I sincerely fucked these pierogies up the ass. #
• 19:16 twitpic.com/48ojc – CHOOCHIE DON’T EAT ITTTTTT!!!! #
• 19:24 There was a melted spatula tendril adhered to one of the pierogies. In some lands, that’s considered nutritious. #

• ---

• 12:22 The only thing missing from my life is a mothball-scented afghan in the colors of the Seventies. #
• 12:32 @cantcme99 lol yeah I was already told it was a “rookie mistake”. #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 18:53 I called a wrong number & now the guy is attempting to court me via text. #
• 19:01 i gotta admitt something I called ur number to see who was calling me, and ur voice is very cute lol (that’s only b/c he can’t SEE me!) #
  

  ---

• 10:32 Chooch, to Polly Pocket: Go in kitchen, make me hotdogs! #
• 11:56 This may be hard to fathom, but Facebook is not the only means of communication. #
• 15:49 What’s so funny about Pele?!?!?! #
• 16:00 Canadians are crizazy! I want one for a pet. #
• 19:05 Just once, I’d love to watch a hockey game in peace. #
  

  ---

• 00:34 Just started a Twibe. Visit twibes.com/assholeparade to join. Let’s go slay some hobos and stick Combos in nun anuses. #
• 00:35 Please go to twibes.com and vote for @vagynafondue! (At this point, I’m just clicking shit.) #
• 09:34 I’ve been working on 3 custom orders this week, and it kind of feels like I have a job. In a good, purposeful way. #  
• 12:18 I am happy to announce that Chooch didn’t swear the whole time @saucalisha was here with her grandparents. #
• 13:09 I am srsly, honestly going to flip my shit shortly. Stress is breaking my back. #
• 13:47 Chooch, hearing Henry’s alarm go off upstairs, screamed “wake ur ass up!” & I flinched at the drill sergeantness of it. #
• 18:00 The video for “Put a Ring On It” is on, & Chooch just said, after a moment’s consideration, “I’ll put it on her.” o_O #
• 21:03 Janna can’t like Chooch right now. #
  

  ---

• 10:31 The “Chooch Can’t Like That” of the day: root beer. #
• 10:33 Which is too bad, because that’s all I got him for his birthday. (Kidding! I got him a shot gun, too.) #
• 15:12 Chooch is outside yelling “You bloodsucker” to passing cars. #
• 15:52 @ohidontthinkso I’m putting a hit out on them, those fuckers. Esp that ginger Hartnell. #
• 16:26 @ohidontthinkso FUCKING NUTS!!!! #
• 17:05 Just wondering when someone, anyone, in my family is going to acknowledge Chooch’s birthday. But I mean, they DID miss Xmas, afterall. #
• 17:13 My Gonchar!!!! <3!!!!! #
• 17:26 My hockey hysteria caused a man to stop on the sidewalk in front of my house & Henry asked me to plz calm down. Never. #
• 17:33 This game is a real hair-chewer. #
• 17:44 HAPPY BDAY CHOOCH, FROM SIDNEY CROSBY! #
• 20:20 My neighbor’s talking to us about gaping wounds & I just burped up puke. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:31 Ordering at Panera makes me nervous. #
• 15:52 It’s only the 1st period. It’s only the 1st period. It’s only the 1st period. #
• 15:55 I blame Janna & Alisha. It’s all their fault. They’re hexing the Pens. I’ll sacrifice them tonight. #
• 16:22 I wish the Internet could have heard Janna’s lame hockey applause. In mocking her, I hurt my tattoo. OK GOD, I HEAR YA. #
• 16:58 According to Pierre Maguire, the Penguins “think” they’re still in it. I would love to meet that dickhead in an alley someday. #
• 18:41 So tired of lies. #
• 19:20 Chooch is singing “Annie” songs in a crackly demon child / Ju-on voice & I really wish he would stop. #
• 19:42 Me: “I can blow out. And in.” Alisha: “that’s how u got ur reputation.” WAS TALKING ABT WHISTLING, THX. #
  

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• 00:07 I need to either: stop writing with Chooch around, get an editor, stop writing altogether. #
• 00:10 Also, I might want to stop telling people that Henry is two years older than he really is. (Yes, I just learned his actual age 1 min ago) #
• 09:11 Wish the radio would stop playing soundbytes of the Flyers goals. #
• 10:17 Was just called a cocky bitch. By a three-year-old. #
• 13:14 If Henry gets Salary Shield, it won’t matter if he dies! #
• 18:22 Chooch put on Public Access. “Eye In the Sky” by Alan Parsons Project & “B/C I Luv U” by Stevie B played back2back. Will kill self now. #
• 18:23 Just for that, I hope that “Eye in the Sky” haunts Chooch for his entire life, like it has for me. That fucking song. #
• 18:42 @daboogmang oh, I am SO going to dip my balls in it. #
• 19:10 twitpic.com/3olhs – I guess seeing the pictures on the pieces makes it too easy or something. #
• 19:19 Um, if a hockey player is laying facedown, kicking the ice with his skates, do you think maybe he’s hurt? Just wondering. #
• 20:25 Chooch got hurt at the grocery store. He does not wish to pursue a lawsuit at this time. #
  

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• 09:55 Today is a dark synthpop day. #
• 11:51 I cut myself, but the wound is not big enough for Chooch’s liking. #
• 14:30 Tired of sloshing through all the bullshit to find the good in people. #
• 15:45 There’s no way I’d ever be able to get married without the Hollywood Bump-It by my side. Or, on top of my dome, as it were. #
• 18:46 I’m looking into an extended stay in an isolation tank. #
• 19:06 This might come as a surprise to some, but I am a really good heckler. #
• 20:51 Chooch dreams of pretzels, eyeballs and eating Robert Smith’s boob. Wonder what the dream book says about that. #
• 21:23 If I was a Penguin, I’d totally blow Fleury after the game. #
• 21:46 It’s always sunny in Philadelphia. Except for when the douche-drinking Flyers lose to the Penguins! #
  

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• 08:57 Opening the fridge, Chooch goes “Did daddy buy me yogurt?” Made a mad noise when he saw none. Get used to the let-down, pal. I have. #
• 09:15 I’ve seen replay of the Hurricanes 0 second goal 126x already and it still hasn’t gotten old. I still hate the ‘Canes, though. #
• 10:46 Going all Freddy Krueger on someone’s bullshit-stenched written last words feels very cathartic. #
• 10:58 My smart son threw out one of his toys because it was given to him by “some bitch who made mommy cry.” I love him, he knows what’s up. #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 19:18 My child must really, really, really want to be an orphan. #
• 10:41 I feel like a dead limb has been cut off. And it feels fantastic. #
• 12:40 If being a mother only meant slicing apples, I’d have been fired long ago. #
• 12:52 I’m gonna dump Henry for a jobless gamer, get pregnant, eat out 53x a week, mooch off parents, & brag about it on Twitter/Facebook. #
• 12:54 @saucalisha fried ANYTHING would be welcome right now! Well, perhaps not poop. And a lot of other things. Scratch “anything.” #
• 13:48 ?!?##*@@?!!!@@@?!?@#**## #
• 17:18 Listening to The Cure en route to the cemetery. How cliche. #
• 19:57 I will never fit in with playground moms. Oh wait, didn’t want to anyway. #
• 23:46 WTF @IAmDiddy?! Aundrea was the best. ONE BIG TEAR, IT DONE FELL. #
  

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• 12:49 I can hear my kid clicking away on the computer, but I just don’t care. #
• 13:50 I’m not embarrassed at all when I accidentally post a blog entry before its finished, complete w/ a typo’d title. I keep getting better! #
• 15:03 Writing things in the third-person makes me feel like a pretentious prat. Oh wai—- #
• 15:17 I could go for a good Botch show right about now. #
• 16:16 You know how when you’ve had too much coffee, you want to fight? I think I’m about to take on a brick wall. #
• 16:48 “Pineapple apple side” instead of “pineapple upside down”? I swear I’m not a stroke victim, but apparently I’ve suffered some head trauma. #
• 18:19 Spent the last 2 minutes replying hysterically to a mysterious salutation, until Chooch pointed out it was a toy that said “hello.” #
• 18:25 Wtf no one should be this jumpy in broad daylight. Wind blew open the storm door & I jumped, screamed, made my kid cry. #
• 18:45 Janna’s coming over to watch the Pens game. I’m psychically commanding her to bring muffins. I hope she responds well to my wish-waves. #
• 19:33 If I was a Penguin, I’d have a hard time resisting yanking Hartnell by his ginger ‘fro. I’m redoing my Douche Canoe card w/ him in it. #
• 20:05 Just showed Mike Tomlin @ the Pens game & I yelled “there’s ur boy Janna, BOW DOWN” & she’s like “where’s this coming from?”/Steelers hate. #
• 20:36 FUCK YES JANNA LOOKED AWAY & THEY SCORED!!!!!! #
• 21:57 Fuck this game! #
• 22:25 YESSSS! Now I can pee!!!! #
  

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• 09:40 I am semi-surprised that the Military channel exists, not surprised that Henry is watching it. #
• 09:51 Furthermore, why haven’t I changed the Military Channel yet. #
• 13:16 Black Cat Tattoo, you complete me. #
• 14:43 Chooch got to go in the Eat n Park kitchen & pick out a fresh cookie!? THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO ME. #
• 16:03 Alisha actually lends Henry a hand. I just sit here, absorbed in my own self-amazingness. #
• 18:19 Chooch ruined my sidewalk art!!! And by art I mean my name in chalk!!! Asshole!!! #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 11:08 Had a dream that Paris Hilton was my bff, but it didn’t change me. Henry goes, “How would it change u? You already think ur a princess.” #
• 11:21 Being the passenger of an Everfresh juice van is not as full of splendor as one might think. #
• 11:22 Almost went thru the windshield. Was going to wish 4 Paris Hilton 2 rescue me but I could very well suffer similar results w/ her, too. #
• 18:19 I have to write a short bio for myself, but after three days all I have is: I suck. #
• 20:26 I’m cooking (baking?) something right now that is going to be so good, ppl will pay for the recipe. And by ppl, I mean emetophiliacs. #
• 20:43 Dear @awoodhick, I believe I owe you a new cookie sheet. Regretfully, @vagynafondue (P.S. & I buy those where?) #
• 23:58 I sold my painting The Birthday Party and I’m sad to see it go. Happy! But still sad. #

• ---

• 07:43 Great. Now I’m afraid of accidentally swallowing a tree bud. #
• 10:36 @saucalisha only until 7pm, and then the Pens game starts! #
• 11:08 My son just thanked me for being cute? Someone took his anti-asshole pill this morning. #
• 13:24 Today I’m compiling a list of all the different ways to say “i hate my life.”
• 15:36 At least there’s a hockey game on tonight. /escape. #
• 18:00 A possible Sunny Day Real Estate reunion?! That could create potential cloud-parting. #
  

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 12:41 I imagine that being employed should be a prerequisite of house-hunting, but that’s just me.
• 15:53 “Castle”‘s a pretty good show. Wonder when it will be canceled. 
• 18:05 Words I never thought I’d say: “Get out of here while I’m cooking.” & I was talking about food, not meth!
• 18:30 Raising my son on a Peruvian accent might work if I didn’t wind up talking like I’m from the Ozarks by the end of the sentence.
• 21:21 LOLz0rz @ Cam Ward.
• 21:27 Chooch, pointing to the church across the street: “Don’t say ‘asshole’ there. Don’t say ‘bitch,’either. Or ‘jackhole’.”
• 21:57 The worst part about selling stuff on Etsy is entrusting my art with the fucking post office.
  

  ---

• 01:14 Everything @awoodhick tells me, I already know.
• 10:45 “she can make the salt taste like sugar on her hands” kills me every time.
• 14:31 I’m not ashamed of how excited I am to dye eggs tomorrow night.
• 16:47 Texted Henry to alert him that something is dripping in the basement. I hope he doesn’t think I’m coming on to him.
• 17:34 Me: “what do u want for dinner?” Chooch: “I want to eat ppl.” That can be arranged, my sweet son.
• 18:56 I just had a fleeting image of drowning inside a stewed tomato-stuffed skull.
  

  ---

• 01:03 RIP Switchblade. You made a flavorful beverage for my cats, though I’m still not sure they were aware of your existence.
• 13:15 Alisha never wants this magnificent Rod Stewart jam to end.
• 16:21 Today I’m buying a lightbulb. For the first time. Ever.
• 20:06 I just learned how to close a pizza box. I’m 29.
• 20:13 Apparently scene party at my house.
• 20:36 My egg-dyeing party was crashed. I’M PISSED.
• 21:38 I love u, Evgeni Malkin
  

  ---

• 10:20 Happy Easter, twitholes.
• 10:23 Chooch is not grasping the concept of “hidden basket” & expects us to find it for him. Just like when I lose something.
• 11:12 I cut my thumb. Who knew stuffing a canister of Jesus band-aids in Chooch’s basket would be a good idea.
• 12:38 Already cried & I’m not even around my family yet. Happy fucking Easter!
• 14:10 My family’s always pushed me to write a book. I don’t think they really want that, because I promise it will be a tell-all. About them.
• 15:23 There are things I wish I could blow up with my mind. Well, one thing. In Ohio.
• 16:01 Henry bought cookies that look like Lance Armstrong’s genitalia.
• 16:25 http://twitpic.com/38a81 – Jesus saves.
• 19:48 According to Chooch, one has to be gay to like parmesan.
• 19:55 http://twitpic.com/38mm1 – A very alternative Easter dinner.
• 20:15 Pineapple upside down pie (PIE?!) provokes strong feelings of hate, confusion & disgust from deep within. I cannot explain at this time.
• 20:28 Dyanna & Henry just partook in an intimate pie-sharing moment. It was beautiful. And Alisha is dumbz0rz.
• 21:14 GK Chesterton, the Apostle of Common Sense, may very well be my new hero. Tonight I may pray to him.
• 21:18 When I’m entertaining, I like putting on the Eternal Word Television Network for my friends to get religiously learnt.
• 21:47 http://twitpic.com/38ug2 – Alisha, doing the Rosary.
• 21:59 Dyanna has hiccups & Alisha is slowly unraveling at Rosary with Mother Angelica. Amazing Easter festivities.
• 22:00 WHAT Dyanna turned EWTN off, that assholewhore piece of pineapple upside down pie! WHAT!!??

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 16:10 Lock me out once, shame on you. Lock me out twice, time to upgrade to fingerprint sensors. #
• 23:01 Wish my kid would stop asking to see my weener. I might get a complex. #
  

  ---

• 09:17 I wonder if Pebbles ever got someone to ride in her Mercedes, boy. #
• 09:42 chiodos “baby you wouldn’t last a minute on the creek” ♫ twt.fm/33131 #warped09 bit.ly/buywarpedtix #
• 11:30 I dunno what u foolz be talkin’ bout, I love me some April snow. #
• 13:15 Chooch just added to his birthday wishlist the new Burtney Phears (aka Britney Spears, in non-toddler speak). #
• 17:42 some people’s audacity will never cease to amaze me. #
• 18:20 Thanks Chooch. I love discovering that my Etsy shopping cart includes a yellow floral throw pillow. I do so love floral. #
• 21:42 I can’t handle this game. #
• 22:12 twitpic.com/2zfw2 – Heeeey. #
  

  ---

• 10:00 Henry bought his and hers Nivea body wash and I can’t stop laughing. #
• 12:27 FATA – Cherry Kiss gets me every time. #
• 13:37 my last fm is stuck in espanol and i can’t make it go back to english because I CANT READ IT TO FIND OUT HOW. SOS! #
• 13:57 @satanmetalady help me, jenny!! #
• 14:02 @satanmetalady there’s a flag but it takes me 2 a FAQ page in Spanish. The url is lastfm.es. when i try to make it .com it goes back to .es! #
• 14:04 @satanmetalady i even tried shutting down the page and re-opening it! i’m doooomed. maybe henry knows spanish since he was in the SERVICE. #
• 14:10 well, i was able to at least change my picture on last.fm, language barrier be damned. #
• 15:40 Overheard Chooch singing part of “Intensity in Ten Cities” & almost cried. #
• 18:19 Risotto is the #1 dish that gets people chewed out on Hell’s Kitchen. So why did I think I could make it? #
• 09:33 Yo MTV, thank you for the RR/RW Challenge. #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 19:12 I don’t know about you, but I do so enjoy a good sharp elbow to the throat. Now if only I could get a nice brutal punch to the kidney. #
• 21:12 Revisiting my love for Cursive and naming the freckle on Chooch’s butt. Oh what fun Friday nights hold for me these days! #
• 23:00 Official name on Chooch’s ass freckle birth certificate: Tawny Buttaen. #
  

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• 00:36 Polka dot ties don’t seem all that funny these days. #
• 12:36 Today is Saturday, in case some people might not have previously known. #
• 17:46 Synaptical brushfire in my head, please douse with wine. #
• 18:06 Best friendship should not be synonymous with flaring tempers. #
• 19:04 Hola, wracked nerves. WHERE IS MY WINE. #
• 21:23 And what do you call your cheerleaders, the Whoricanes? #
  

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• 09:14 Using a hatchet to sever THESE ties. Expect a lot of blood. #
• 10:04 Cleveland today with @saucalisha to see @craigeryowens! Might die! Or at the very least pee-puddle my pants. #
• 12:35 Allowing alisha to drive and stray from the directions I prepared. This might become part of the Wrong Turn franchise. #
• 12:39 Alisha is having doubts and I am being a good, silent passenger. #
• 12:56 “Easter egg hunts aren’t all they’re cracked up to be” says Alisha. CRACKED UP, GET IT? OHHOHO. #
• 13:35 At Ruby Tuesdays, was carded for a sangria. “Let me get my id….out of my iCarly purse.” #
• 13:42 Me: “I’m a mess.” Alisha: “At least you have insight.” #
• 15:02 twitpic.com/2vmzg – Alisha’s cocktail. #
• 16:31 Just stretched 5 miles into 15 bc I’m a shitty co-pilot. We were almost there until I got it in my head that we were going the wrong way. #
• 16:38 I do believe I’ve seen him in that hoodie before. #
• 17:01 In the span of 2 seconds, I became trapped in a grocery store restroom & broke my iCarly purse trying to escape. #
• 18:08 In line, some gigantic older man in a Star Wars shirt lumbered by & said “must be one of those emotional bands.” DYING. #
• 18:58 Doorman, when I flashed my ID: “wow, I wasn’t prepared for someone to be 21. You caught me off guard.” #
• 20:27 Yeah there are people here who are WAY older than me. I feel good about myself. I’m also drunk, though. #
• 20:36 I want peanut butter & jelly, and I walked into the mens room and saw a weener. #
• 20:40 Remember when those scene boys liked my shoes? # (my original drunk-tweet said “shows.” did you not know i’m a stripper?)
• 21:33 Oh @Craigeryowens. So fucking good. #
• 21:41 BABY U WOULDNT LAST A MINUTE ON THE CREEK WHUTWHUT #
• 21:46 I’m not crying because I’m drunk. #
• 22:50 Here Craig, I reek of a brewery, but plz accept this painting. #
  

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• 00:17 Alisha should be a sunday school teacher. Yahweh indeed. #
• 08:45 Hangovers just aren’t fun unless you have a three-year-old bodyslamming you. #
• 09:24 Created a safe word for when Chooch gets too rough. Gave it a trial run, said “candy fart” 1500 times & he DIDN’T STOP. Game over. #
• 10:41 Gone < 24 hrs, yet my house is in total disarray. Henry: Strewn Wrapper Potentate, Sovereign of 3021 Rubbish Rd. #
• 11:40 Chooch keeps making me rewind “Making the Band” so he can re-hear the one member’s mom say, “its something DEEP!” I don’t question it. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:53 shouldn’t still be crying about this. #
• 17:34 Chooch just asked me if he can say asshole. He’s been saying it freely for a year, and NOW he’s going to ask for permission? Seriously? #
• 19:43 Makes me hot when Henry roasts vegetables. #
  

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• 11:00 Have an incredible urge to build a lemonade stand, then use it as a snuff film front. #
• 12:42 Chooch just lost a battle with a bottle of white pepper. Commence sneezing. #
• 12:56 twitpic.com/2n7ot – There are days when defenestration sounds desirable to me, too. #
• 13:46 twitpic.com/2na1t – Chooch’s gang sign. He be skinnin’ bitches. #
• 17:38 Teaching Chooch to throw a frisbee is turning into a circus sideshow. #
• 21:38 “I already know I can’t like that,” said Chooch upon seeing the swiss cheese in my hand. #
  

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• 11:10 Wants to have a fondue party, complete with a naked waitstaff. #
• 11:56 My hair stylist said she was going to mix my color b4 I came in, but had a hunch I wanted something different. I love psychics. #
• 14:13 if i leave now, i can be a free woman by sunset. #
• 17:33 Dear passersby: glad to have given you a good show as I broke into my own house after my son locked me out. #
• 19:50 I promised Chooch I wouldn’t scream during tonite’s Pens game. Broke it in the 1st 6 minutes. Sorry babe. I’ll buy ya a pony. I promise. #
• 20:09 MVP!!!! #
  

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• 13:17 I never have liked collaborations. Now I remember why. #
• 19:54 Chooch, getting fresh with older ladies since 2006. #
• 20:09 I want to get 5, maybe 11, Bumpits and stack them on my dome for a coif all 1950s diner waitresses would envy. #
• 20:39 Chooch, pretending to talk to Jesus via Converse: “I hate you, bitch!” & then, all upset: “Oh no, I forgot to say bye!” #
• 20:55 Just chucked a water bottle at Janna so hard that there is legitimate deformation. To the bottle, not Janna. (Unforch.) #
  

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• 10:22 I want to have an easter egg hunt. But, you know – my way. #
• 12:35 Chooch: I want to be born again. Henry: Cool. I’ll help push you back in there. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 13:03 Have officially reached 200 sales, ya’ll! I’mma buy me a nice mink coat as a reward. #
• 13:03 If “a nice mink coat” was really a milkshake. #
• 13:41 Thank you, bathroom electrical current—I’m awake now. #
• 15:51 Started fighting before we even left the house. This will be the longest drive to Cleveland ever yay! #
• 15:57 Also, I adore how Henry waits until we’re leaving to tell me that the point & shoot is evidently lost. #
• 16:45 Pick a lane, Henry. SHIT he’s such a poor driver. #
• 16:56 wearing a damp sweater because Henry was too lazy to let it dry all the way at the laundromat. It feels fantastic. #
• 16:56 Then he waits until I have my water bottle up to my mouth before slamming on the brakes. At least my sweater was already wet. #
• 17:19 twitpic.com/2l0ro – HOLLA. #
• 17:50 Henry held my hand at the rest stop and tried to play it off by saying he was transferring toilet germs to me. #
• 18:35 If you act like you know where you’re going, no one says anything to you. Henry’s wisdom nugget for the day. #
• 18:38 Just saw Terry Balsamo for the first time in 5 years. Well, the back of his dreads. For 0.5 seconds. #
• 18:49 twitpic.com/2l5ay – We’ll come in now, thanks. #
• 18:55 Henry & I could make a career of standing around like dunces, like the new wave of street performers. Toss us a quarter for looking dumb. #
• 19:08 OMFG @awoodhick is driving me nuts. We’re breaking up. Chooch, I’ll find you a new daddy on Craigslist, k bud? #
• 19:43 I always wanted to be a part of the wave. We’re doing it at my birthday party, fo’sho. #
• 19:54 Dunno what an African finger job is, but swear I heard Henry say he wants one. Someone’s watching tribal porn again. #
• 20:54 Ok he sang 2 words and I started crying #
• 21:21 Henry: “are u ok?” Me: “yes…..no.” #
• 22:50 Ow my heart is perforated. #
• 22:53 Now we’re in the car, leaving, and henry’s pretending like I’m not sobbing. #
  

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• 09:30 I’m so jelis of Chooch’s phlegmy coughs. Srsly. Rly. #
• 10:12 Looked at the Warped Tour lineup so far and promptly cried. #  
• 11:03 My “Smother Time” is in a heart-breaking treasury: tinyurl.com/cxshmf #
• 11:32 Chooch, I love you, but you snot up my shirt one more time? Dust off ur beaded vest, you’re gonna be the newest member of a gypsy caravan. #
• 14:06 My home has been usurped by a jigsaw bivouac. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 16:03 Jillian, I am vomitous now. #
• 18:29 Going to start giving macaroni art as gifts from now on. #
• 18:36 Chooch is alarmingly fanatical abt Twilight. Henry bought it for him on Saturday & said he wouldn’t put it down the whole way thru Target. #
• 18:36 And we are presently on the 24th viewing. #
• 20:34 Walked past Chooch while I was on the phone, only to have him hysterically yell “don’t hurt me! Don’t hurt me, mommy!” Awesome. #
• 22:43 Shit, and here I always thought communication worked both ways. Guess I really am just a hick-tard. Derrr. #
  

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• 00:30 You actin’ like a diva. A dramatic ass diva. #
• 13:04 Chooch would like to have a skull for lunch. #
• 17:29 Isles and Glaciers is going to be the death of me. #
• 17:50 Asked Chooch if he’s going to have fun tonight. His answer: I hate fun. #
• 18:41 My bitch is in Starbucks fetching me a Frappucino. And then she’ll get this tweet & dump it on my head. #
• 19:33 @saucalisha asked Chooch to draw a circle, he chose to draw a bitch. #
• 20:09 Alisha made Chooch say “slacks” 18x because he says “schracks.” I was afraid he was about to garrote her. #
  

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• 01:47 a night spent talking about music makes me feel happier than a bellyful of Cristal & rockstar sperm. #
• 01:48 @19moons we should ‘roni it up sometime soon! #
• 10:22 Chooch just said to me, out of the blue, “I got your back, baby.” #
• 10:46 Somehow Chooch is watching a Dragonball Z round table on YouTube and my entire house is gagging on the nerd-fumes. #
• 12:05 A drunkard sat next to Henry, talking about shoving a sausage up some guy’s ass, then asked Henry if he wanted to move furniture today. #
• 12:07 All the cool shit happens to Henry. Apparently I don’t spend enough time @ the laundromat. #
• 12:21 I’m 2 sales away from reaching 200 on Etsy. This wasn’t something I ever fathomed when I started selling on there. #
• 14:14 Hockey heart attack. #
• 15:18 FUCKING CROSBY YES THANK YOU!! #
• 18:33 As if he was visiting Paris Hilton, Chooch walked into my grandma’s house & said, “hi bitch.” She couldn’t stop laughing, my own grandma. #
• 22:10 Henry tried to make me sort through my sock drawer but it was utterly boring & I walked away, causing him to make dad-like threats. #
• 23:28 HENRY TOLD ME TO GROW UP WHUT #
  

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• 11:04 Henry & I both dreamt of Britney Spears, which is less of a longshot as the time we both had cabbage dreams. That was just magic. #
• 11:55 Henry and I are taking our date over the road today & I’m sure I will be too busy thinking about Chooch to enjoy myself. # ***

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

*** We are going to Cleveland to see Cold tonight because they reunited and I will probably cry a lot yay!

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:14 Chooch, announcer of all things obvious: “I like dangerous.” #
• 17:13 Successfully ( presumably) added tofu to Henry’s crock pot creation @ precisely the time he told me & proceeded to stir. Fingers crossed. #
• 17:21 Told Chooch that it’s @gravedirt’s birthday & now he’s doing a frenetic dance & singing about blowing out her candles. #
• 17:21 Hoping that’s not code for literally snuffing her. #
• 20:28 twitpic.com/2e4sx – Chooch’s rendition of an elephant. Am impressed, considering I still draw in scribbles. #
• 22:20 Put on the Iditarod & the first thing Chooch says is, “Lost Boys?” Yes Chooch, it’s a bunch of Nanouks. #
  

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• 11:59 @awoodhick is not very twitter-prolific. Sadface. #
• 12:07 I wonder if there’s a world record for the most talkingest almost-three-year-old, because mine never shuts the fuck up, god love him. #
• 15:47 Don’t tell anyone, but I’m running away. #
• 17:02 12 days til I see @craigeryowens! My belly just flopped. Will attempt to talk to him this time, hopefully w/o upchucking on his shoes. #
• 17:03 I’ll just puke on @saucalisha’s shoes instead. #
• 18:18 My son just short circuited, tried to kill me. #
• 19:17 I’m ruing the day Chooch learned to master the mouse, at which point the computer became his. He navigates around Etsy better than me. #
  

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• 12:04 I can’t wait until he starts school. #
• 16:40 Tired of doing the “give me back my stuff” dance. #
• 18:04 Remember when I wanted to hang out in prison? Another lofty dream. #
• 20:11 twitpic.com/2g2ng – Little Gonchar. #
• 21:12 Sure, it’s cute that Chooch refers to Polly Pockets as “ladies,” but I’m surprised it’s not “bitches” or “hoes.” #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

 There’s still one more day to enter the bathroom plaque giveaway. Go sign up if you haven’t already! Peace out, girl scout.

(Now I wish I was still a Girl Scout.)