Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 17:55 Ramen noodles and creamed corn for dinner, made by my own two hands. NO HELP. #
• 17:59 Not that I wouldnt PREFER help #
• 18:05 I slaved over the stove all so Chooch can haughtily say “I can’t like creamed corn.” ASSHOLE. #
• 18:34 The fact that my teeth began to ache halfway thru the commercial makes me rethink my initial desire to procure and devour a Wazoo bar. #
  

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• 16:28 I feel very confident in @dyannnnna’s and my choice of tattoo parlor. April 18th seems so far away! :( #
• 16:52 My blog has made Henry semi-famous and he’s NOT enthused. #
• 17:22 What, I always wear stilettos with a sweatshirt to the grocery store. #
• 21:11 When I was a teen, Whitesnake’s “Is This <3” used to make me wish for a blue collared, older man boyfriend clad in a denim jacket. #
• 21:12 The moral of this story: be careful what u wish for. #
• 21:26 OK I take back my disdain – Henry bought a crock pot so now he can cook us dinner even when he’s not here! No more eating like orphans! #
• 23:05 Tried to get Henry to be a vampire. Was unsuccessful. #
  

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• 00:50 Hopefully someone asks me to marry them so I can have Now That’s What I Call Power Ballads played on repeat at the reception. #
• 00:51 Stephanie from Wisconsin lost 31lbs so fast and I’m drunk. #
• 10:19 I swear it sounded like Henry said he wanted to dick stroke me. Always mixing me up with his boyfriend. #
• 12:24 My Henrietta is at the dining room table, sewing away. #
• 17:04 Alisha is prepping me for bowling. I’m scared. #
• 18:09 Alisha is learning me some bowling etiquette now. My knowledge, it flows. #
• 19:04 Totally flinched when Alisha raised her hand to pat my shoulder. #
• 19:28 Me: “we should have a bowling club!” Alisha: “I believe they’re called leagues” Collin: “we could join a league. And suck.” #
• 19:29 I GOT MY FIRST STRIKE MUTHAFUCKA WHUTWHUT. #
• 19:30 That wasn’t as sexual as I thought itd be. #
• 20:11 Me: that garbage smells. Henry: its garbage. #
• 20:16 Alisha’s reasoning for losing: “I just want to make sure someone scores below Erin” #
• 20:48 Somehow I’m in second place out of SEVEN BITCHES YO. Dyanna calls beginners luck but I think I’m a secret professional. #
• 20:59 AYO I’m a natural at this bowling biznass. #
• 21:03 AYO = thug battlecry, for ppl like @dyannnnna who are too white to knizow. #
• 22:58 About to try and rub my blood on a wendy’s employee. #
• 09:59 Convincing Chooch that “hollaaa!” is a better salutation than “hello.” Hopefully he heeds my advice next time he makes an entrance. #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 21:21 Had to call the wah-bulance for Choochel Knieval. #
• 09:37 Somewhere along the way I unlearned how to eat cereal. #
• 11:06 Mama needs a spa day. And by that I mean a day of loud music, liquor and maybe some wanton sex with a Sheik. #
• 11:15 But I suppose at this point, I’d accept a quiet room, coffee and a crossword puzzle. #
• 16:42 Asked chooch if he’s going to college & he said no, he wants to stay on the playground. Pretty sure I had the same answer when I was 17. #
• 17:56 Its sad when I hear a father and son talking in statistics and I know exactly what they’re talking about. #
• 18:24 There are so many examples of child endangerment/neglect at this playground. #
• 20:19 Janna is singling along to Annie and I am disturbed. She also said “Never Fully Dressed w/o a Smile” is her alltime fave song. #
• 20:20 I guess it replaced The Thong Song, which was her fave song last time I checked. #
• 21:42 I’m going to start naming Chooch’s personalities. Tonight he is entertaining & sweet as opposed to last nite’s devil horned brute. #
  

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• 11:32 This may come as a shock to some, but I could never be a teacher due to a lack of that patience shit. #
• 14:57 With Henry comes a trail of trash and urine-daubed toilet seats. #
• 19:33 An ex got me a Polly Pocket playset for V-Day. 12 yrs later, my kid is now playing with it & the lights still work. Dunno how I feel. #
• 23:37 I’ve taken to replying to myself on Twitter, just like my heyday on LiveJournal. #
  

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• 11:07 Thank god Chooch said no when I offered him an orange, since I don’t know how to peel one. #
• 12:15 Its like Nicole Ritchie has been babysitting my son. #
• 12:59 My Polly Pockets went 12yrs unscathed. One night with Chooch, and one is now an amputee. #
• 13:03 I’m mentally exhausted. #
• 13:56 I’ve never seen someone get so hyped over chick peas and croutons. #
• 14:00 If anyone is looking for Easter plans, head on over to my abode where we will be dining on Jesus’s face. According to Chooch, anyway. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:01 About to thieve balloons from a car dealership. #
• 16:19 Clown shoes are not meant for hiking. #
• 17:40 Shoot outs make me nervous. #
• 21:26 Chooch just breezed past me, nudely holding a pink balloon. #
• 21:30 Watching The Song Remains The Same on mute while listening to Norma Jean is fun, but some acid would make it funnerrrr. #
• 22:45 Henry said that the only thing his ex-wife does better than me is cook. It was such a touching moment!! #
  

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• 12:37 Held Christina’s hand through her virginal Cupcake Experience. She won’t admit it, but strawberry frosting gave her goosebumps. #
• 17:07 This hockey game is not good for my blood pressure. I feel like I need to get in a bar fight now. #
• 17:15 I was a little overzealous with the last Penguin goal as evidenced by the new red hue of my knuckles. Chooch was like “wtf asshole bitch.” #
• 18:13 Walking past bra aisle, chooch goes “I have boobs? Like hers? Strawberry?” Hopefully he means boobs to touch, not to grow. #
• 18:15 twitpic.com/24yap – I want I want I want. #
• 20:39 Dear universe, you gave me everything I wanted this weekend. Now I’m scared to see what happens next. Go easy, plz. Toodles. #
  

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• 17:07 This is my first time watching Short Circuit as an adult. I am prepared to not be ashamed when I inevitably cry. #
• 17:10 After watching one blow up his favorite things in the world (cars), Chooch declared that he hates robots. #
• 19:29 I’ve been stuck in a preschool vortex all day. I’m a fucking counting pro now. #
• 21:58 Totally let a three-year-old convince me a monster was coming and I screamed so loud he jumped. It was just our stupid cat. #
  

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• 11:08 my new “prize and joy”: tinyurl.com/d3f5lh (via @addthis) #
• 11:09 i haven’t given a shit about st pattys day since my stepdad chucked a fork at me when i was 12 & it got lodged in my knuckles. Oh ho ho ho. #
• 14:04 Me: “I’m almost at 500 hearts!” Christina: “Now, this is on Etsy, and not how many you’ve broken in your life?” #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 14:09 Chooch can’t like broth, he’d rather have pickles. #
• 15:58 I sort of miss the days when Ice Box was played on the radio every hour. No, really. #
• 17:36 Thank you YouTube for having lewd Dora videos for my toddler to accidentally watch. #
• 17:37 Dora picked up the phone and the infamous Alec Baldwin voicemail played. Chooch turns around and goes, “Pain in the ass?” #
• 17:46 And now he’s watching a video on how to spraypaint. The side of my house is gon’ look tight by the time he’s 5. #
• 18:55 Emarosa makes my heart feel paralyzed. If I wasn’t playing trains right now, I’d be doggy-paddling in a kiddie pool of teen angst. #
• 18:57 And also I’d probably be drunk. #
• 19:44 Oh my sweetly spanked Mussolini, my life is incomplete without Twister Hopscotch. I’m buying it & starting a league. Signups begin now. #
• 20:28 I love how startled Chooch gets watching the Pens games with me. Just doing my mommerly job by teaching him heartattack sensations. #
  

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• 10:47 I wish my job was listening to music all the livelong day, and then going to shows every night. I live in the wrong city. #
• 12:35 I wonder what it feels like to have patience. Like lounging on a marshmallow cloud, I bet, as opposed to having your head in an oven. #
• 14:13 Every time chooch sees the Paramore “Decode” video, he points and goes “get ur hair like hers????”. Might as well, I’m not working. #
• 14:38 Henry said, “Chooch still needs 2 be watched @ the playground.” No shit, like I’m gonna sit w/ my back toward him & suck a weener. #
• 14:38 Henry: “if it was 5 yrs ago, u probably would.” Awesome!!!! #
• 17:42 Happy to be at the playground without any other parents. #
• 20:00 Would like to see how many times Chooch can call Alisha an asshole before she buries him. #
• 21:32 twitpic.com/20kex – Chooch is harassing 2 teen girls on the playground. He’s starting so young. #
  

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• 10:43 twitpic.com/2123s – Wish I could hang him by that hair-hook. #
• 12:09 Some guy just walked by and he totally looks like a scene kid from the back, but he’s at least as old as Henry. (Read: OLD.) #
• 12:18 Me: “I love this season of the Real World.” Henry: “why? Because its childish like you?” #
• 18:17 Quick! I’m making noodles and I have olive oil. Now what do I do to make it delicious? #  
• 18:33 There is something terribly wrong about these noodles. #
• 19:55 And suddenly I feel 17 again. #
  

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• 09:55 I’ve always had a particular fondness for rubber chicken nuggets. #
• 14:58 My tickets for Cold just arrived and now it seems way more real. #
• 18:54 I have so much disdain for McDonald’s. #
• 19:12 MY McDonald’s boyfriend wears a Lamb of God hat. We’re making sexy eye contact. Hi, @awoodhick. . #
• 19:26 My McDonald’s boyfriend looks like Mark Duplass in camo pants. He looked at my b00bies. Hi, @awoodhick. #
• 19:28 We just spoke. There was a verbal exchange. Wedding bells, I hear them. #
• 19:39 So I hadn’t heard from chooch for awhile and obv it was bc he was up in a Playland tower, completely nude. #
• 19:52 And my McDonald’s boyfriend’s 5yo son said, “I saw your baby’s penis.” #
• 21:04 twitpic.com/22o78 – Pre-strip show. #
• 21:35 Getting Chooch a strippers pole for his Hth birthday. (He’s going to be H years old.) #
• 22:07 Just watched Chooch piece together a two-sided puzzle for the first time in 15 minutes. Am scared. #
• 01:28 I’m drunk on wine and being the target of Henry’s and Christina’s psychoanalysis tagteam. #
• 01:44 Henry: “you’re not drunk, you’re just Erin.” #
• 01:48 AWKWARD. #
• 01:52 Christina just invited Henry to sit on her knee. #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 18:51 Henry proudly announced that he OWNS A BOOK. My mind, its blown. #
• 19:40 Chooch just ate butter dipped in melted chocolate ice cream and said “mmm that’s good butter.” #
• 20:39 Some guy at Oh Yeah convinced me to force down a bottle of Synergy, which includes strands of live culture. He said he believes in me. #
• 20:22 The good thing is that when I puke back into this bottle, the juice will still taste the same. #
• 20:16 I give it an hour before separation anxiety kicks in. #
• 15:03 twitpic.com/1xsl9 – It’s been 4 hrs & I’m still drinking this shit. It promises to regenerate so hopefully tmrw I’ll have an auxiliary vagina on my cheek  #
• 17:14 OH YEAH I FINISHED THAT SHIT. Waiting for a glowing third nipple to sprout. #
• 21:08 Am I the only one Twitter is discriminating against today? #
• 22:57 Chooch is currently working three puzzles at once. #
• 00:36 Spit in Henry’s mouth and almost peed on his weener. #
• 01:12 Yay all my tweets from 8 hrs ago are coming in now in random order. #
•  01:34 All of my meals today have consisted of sugar, fat, and dips. #
  

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• 12:44 Operation Kitchen Facelift is underway! Henry is putting together shelves and I suggested we also paint the walls. His reply was mumbled. #
• 12:49 I really want to hang up actual food porn on the walls but I have a feeling Henry might use his big gun veto powers on that one. #
• 12:51 Like, a picture of a bratwurst penetrating a roasted chicken. (I know, sometimes my vegetarianism is so blatant.) #
• 13:20 Chooch: “daddy’s awesome” Me: “what am i?” Chooch: “asshole bitch.” #
• 14:34 Just pointed out a robin to Chooch & he goes “where’s the Batman bird?” #
• 17:10 Janna just took Damien, I mean Chooch, for a walk to prevent me from killing him. #
• 19:03 Crabapple in the hizzy! #
• 22:44 Here’s hoping this annoying night comes to an end soon! Ideally by a noose tightening around my neck, but I guess bedtime would suffice. #
  

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• 00:37 I enjoy being a boxing ring for cats and I don’t think that’s weird at all. #
• 00:48 @Bed_In_Revolt I’m hoping there was enough crack in them to lure you guys back! #
• 00:49 Whoever thought I’d agree with Tom Green. #
• 11:30 My kitchen is almost to the point where people can enter it & I won’t combust with embarrassment! Now I just need to paint it purple/green. #
• 11:30 and by that I clearly mean Henry will paint it. #
• 11:34 @dartfaerie OK! And I will take a Vic Fuentes from Pierce the Veil! #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

So Twitter was being a gayblade and holding tweets hostage all weekend, then squirting them out in random order. I tried to re-order them  so they make sense, but I didn’t bother fixing the time stamps.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 18:36 Janna’s asking me questions about a gyro platter from a local pizza place. Because like all good vegetarians, I eat the fuck out of gyros. #
• 08:31 I feel like I could die without a Bugville Butterfly Treehouse. #
• 14:59 Cut Chooch a square of bubble wrap and now all is quiet. Well, all except for the subtle pops of air and plastic. And that I’ll take. #
• 17:36 When asked if he liked his life, Chooch said no. #
• 17:44 I pretended like the apple juice Chooch is drinking is mine and he goes “No! You go drink wine.” Wonderful. #
• 18:24 Soon I’ll be meeting @bed_in_revolt and @daboogmang for the first time and I’m trying not to pee my pants. But maybe they’d like that? #
• 22:00 Chooch lured @daboogmang under the dining room table. #
• 22:41 Bill taught Chooch to say “don’t be an asshole, go to McDonald’s.” #

• 10:11 I was promised a trip to the bait shop today and I swear to god I couldn’t sleep last night like it was fucking Xmas Eve. #
• 13:51 Hello on the way to the bait shop. BUTTERFLIES!!!!! #
• 14:05 Shortest interview ever. Bait shop is no longer in business. #
• 14:26 Dear @awoodhick, plz to be waking up. U is be ruinin’ mama’s planz0rz. #
• 13:51 Hello on the way to the bait shop. BUTTERFLIES!!!!! #
• 14:05 Shortest interview ever. Bait shop is no longer in business. #
• 14:26 Dear @awoodhick, plz to be waking up. U is be ruinin’ mama’s planz0rz. #
• 14:46 Bill just saw Heinz Stadium and I’m afraid his seat may be wet now. #
• 15:17 I JUST SPOKE TO THE SUGAR FAIRY AND IM SHAKING NOW. #
• 15:24 twitpic.com/1wv98 – *##*!!!!???#* OMG. #
• 15:29 Bill just pissed off a bunch of ppl by purchasing the last of the cupcakes. #
• 15:49 Agony is riding in a van with a dozen cupcakes and not swan-diving into the box. This restraint should get me into Heaven. #
• 16:01 Yes Bill, the Incline is a house moving up and down the hill. #
• 16:03 I thought Bill was protecting Jessi from crashing through the windshield, but it was actually the cupcakes he was lifeguarding. #
• 16:14 Was forced to enter a store called Steelers Country and I might puke. Bill’s lucky he bought me cupcakes. #
• 16:21 Someone honestly just said God bless the Steelers. #
• 16:28 Yes, Huey Lewis is the perfect music to be played in this store. #
• 16:44 Bill just dubbed some white trash woman’s hairstyle a “corn mullet” because it was corn-mazed on top and long in the back. #
• 16:47 twitpic.com/1wyt4 – Jessi has securely buckled in the cupcakes. #
• 17:29 u’d think we never bought beer b4 by the way Bill hit me with a door upon entering a bar, like he was nervous to show his fake ID. #
• 22:15 Game Night is ridic. Chooch is winning. #
• 22:36 Its not officially Game Night until someone throws up in their mouth. #
• 22:43 twitpic.com/1xas9 – Game Night up in the dirty asshole of Hell. #
• 23:24 Someone outside walked past and said fuck you so I retaliated and Henry chastised me that fucking pacifist. FUCK. #
• 23:42 Me: “I almost just fell.” Collin: “Off a chair that’s enveloping you?” #
• 23:47 @dyannnnna and her boyfriend Justin went to the bathroom together!!!! And Blake has a scarf!!!! #
• 23:55 twitpic.com/1xcnj – We’re all on drugs here. #
• 00:45 @dyannnnna snorts a lot. #
• 07:27 We are playing scattergories right now and Collin is so agitated. Itchy Crotch as term of endearment was just vetoed but secretly we win. #

• 11:26 I want to open a scene shelter at my house where all the scene kids can seek refuge when their parents are being gay. #
• 12:51 twitpic.com/1xohe – Wish Henry would play chess with me!!!! #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:42 Today I was asked where I want to be in 5 yrs and immediately I pictured myself draped across a baby grand. #
• 20:02 Chooch is playing his toy piano while watching the Cure’s Greatest Hits DVD. The Forest came on & he pretended like he was stroking out. #
  

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• 14:32 Maybe if Henry gets a THIRD job he’ll have less time to urinate all over the bathroom floor. #
• 15:03 I want to make something with fake bacon and maraschino cherries. Tarts? Cupcakes? Chowder? #
• 17:29 I’m going to turn into a noodle. Its the only food I only fuck up 75% of the time. #
• 17:47 Surely there’s a way to turn bread into a cookie. #
• 09:59 Chooch is on a Benjamin Franklin kick. He makes me Google images of him, and then giggles, “Oh, Ben Franklin.” #
  

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• 15:17 ESPN, blowin’ up my shit with all the tradin’. #
•  16:21 Chooch is at the window, waiting for pizza that hasn’t been ordered yet. #
• 17:44 Someone plz teach my kid how to take turns. What? That’s MY job? Oh. I quit. #
• 21:31 Just enjoyed a mini fireworks display in the microwave. Thanks, non-microwavable SueBee honey bottle! #
• 22:41 Watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit and wanting desperately to play it on old school Nintendo. #
  

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• 03:34 The things that keep me up @ night: not past due bills, but “I hope I can make that show in Cleveland”. Priorities are 4 suckers. #
• 09:03 I like the Fray and I don’t care. I also like the Pussycat Dolls, so eat that, indie cred. #
• 13:06 Spent about an hour harrassing some guy across the street whom I assumed was Henry. It was not. #
• 13:31 Today is a day full of really super awesome information. And I’m eating a good salad on top of it all. Literally, eating on a pile of info. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:47 vagynafondue.livejournal.com/315871.html — This bitch tried to friend me on Facebook. Boy, I wish I could add her TWICE! #
• 17:11 Chooch was looking at my old LiveJournal user icons & yelled “UGH IM SCARED” before fleeing. I miss my icons. And comment parties w/ myself. #
• 17:39 Making Janna put Chooch’s car seat in her car. I wouldn’t want to break a nail. #
• 18:02 Chooch questioned my authority. Because I’m an adult, Chooch. & if I want to kill a bitch, I’m gon’ kill a bitch. #
• 19:18 Chuck E Cheese can suck it. I was in tears before we even walked in. #
• 20:25 Chooch is in the backseat, deliriously spouting off Lost Boys quotes. #
• 21:10 I believe Chooch just called his puzzle a drunk bitch. #
• 21:43 Chooch is quickly learning that Janna is a derelict who at times needs things spelled out. #
• 22:42 “Come see the monster, Mommy. Come see her. Out the window. Look at her.” NOT WHAT MOMMY WANTS TO HEAR, SON. #
• 22:57 Trying to make Henry check on the monster situation. #
  

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• 00:03 Swear I just heard Henry telling our cat Marcy to shake her blood stain. #
• 09:00 Stupidly thought about nipple amputation & now I can’t stop writhing in imagined anguish. #
  

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• 11:15 twitpic.com/1rxxd – Dyanna is spoiling me. #
• 11:16 I’m eating cashew and fig ice cream for breakfast. I might not leave this place. Ever. #
• 11:18 I feel like a country girl, going to the Big City & seeing a strip club for the first time #
• 15:11 A 3-year-old & 16-year-old are fighting in the backseat. #
• 15:15 You’re never fully dressed without a smile, @awoodhick. #
• 16:00 Found two rusty knives near a field, like fucking serendipity. #
• 16:21 OUR SONG is on right now at Denny’s but @awoodhick doesn’t care since he likes men now. #
• 16:31 twitpic.com/1s85v – This one has pee and this one has poop. #
• 17:08 Awesome. I just purse-dialed a woman who is trying to get me a job. And she already thought I was a retard prior to this. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:01 I am very close to picking up smoking again. Like, so close it’s almost perverse. #
• 15:27 I like how when Henry texts me cooking instructions that require a lite coating of vegetable oil, he makes sure to repeat “lite coating.” #
• 15:30 Henry said he quit his second job & for a brief moment I felt like maybe I wouldn’t have to kill myself. He was bluffing though. #
• 17:28 Cashier @ CVS apologized for laffing when Chooch & I argued over peppernint candies being eye balls. Chooch thinks they are, not me, FYI. #
• 17:29 On the way home he squeezed a ball of dogshit because he thought it was falafel. Washed his hand in snow & ran the rest of the way home. #
• 19:14 I really feel like raising this kid on my own could be like some kind of gang initiation. #
• 23:41 Wouldn’t be able 2 live in that Real World house. Someone breaks a coffee table in front of me, they’re getting stabbed w/ a glass shard. #

• 07:53 Someone has military school in their future. #
• 13:42 Holy shit. Some free time to jumprope??? #
• 16:49 Desperately seeking: companionship, nail polish remover. #  *****
• 17:08 tried to be Heloise-y & dumped carpet potpourri on the steps but can’t get it to vacuum up. now it looks like the bathroom counter @ CBGBs. #
• 17:09 NOT THAT I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CLUBS AND COCAINE. #
• 20:04 I’m glad @awoodhick works two jobs so that I can have cherry pie at Eat n Park. #
• 20:23 @Dyannnnna is at my house, lip-synching songs from Labyrinth and protecting Chooch from the vacuum cleaner. #
• 20:47 And @dyannnnna just dicovered my purple hand chair and collapsed into giddy convulsions. #
• 23:50 i am like a nightstand curio. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

***** It was a miracle. Dyanna granted not just one, but BOTH of my tweet-wishes, by bringing me nail polish remover and staying to hang out. It was nearly tear-worthy. And she’s good with kids (she just doesn’t know how to put shoes on, haha), so it ended up being a very stressless night.  And she even watched iCarly with us and laughed appropriately. When you factor in the warm and gooey cherry sex pie I had at Eat n Park, it was a pretty perfect night.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 16:59 Made the mistake of telling Chooch he missed the boat, and now he’s frantically asking “What? Where? Where’s the boat? What?” #
• 17:15 Er, chooch just announced that he’s busy. Well, excuse me. I’m busy too, watching cartoons. Leave a message, brat. #
• 17:31 If weeners were manicotti, I’d suck a whole lot more of them. #
• 20:59 When Chooch takes a bath, he says his hands are “broccoli,” and when I try to tell him its “wrinkly” (or pruney), he flips his shit. #
  

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• 09:09 I feel like everything I do is so noisy. #
• 09:21 Well, I did like the TI/Timberlake song. 52359653 plays ago. #
• 10:00 We’re trading Henry in for Daddy Warbucks. #
• 10:54 twitpic.com/1o11o – Chooch wants me to read this but these kids are scaring me. That cake looks tasty though. #
• 11:16 Billy Brown Makes Something Grand? Oh I’m sure he does. #
• 15:07 Mr. Attitude rolled his eyes at me & followed it w/ a delightful “blah blah blah.” Can’t wait til he’s done with teenage angst. O wait. #
• 16:01 These tears? From watching previews for The Hills: Season 4. Somewhere along the way, I got ruined. #
• 16:52 twitpic.com/1o9gz – Reluctantly brought him out for snow play. Gross. #
• 17:35 Watching Monster Squad with Chooch and hoping he’ll want to start his own. With me as President, of course. I’d make a good president. #
• 19:22 found a mix of cornbread in the cupboard & rejoiced, then discovered we have no eggs. Shoulda bought that hen when I had the chance. #
• 19:23 srsly need sugar. shaking. i’m an addict. #
• 20:47 Chooch, the resident Lady Gaga fanatic, pokes his face every time he hears Poker Face. I’m amazed at how much music he knows already. #
• 21:43 Impossible to hear the pres address when my kid is crashing toy cars on a candyland board one foot away. #
  

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• 09:55 God help me. #
• 11:03 Everything’s calm & then the stupid cat saunters stupidly into the room and its stupid pandemonium. #
• 12:57 I hate that I’m so sentimental. I wish I could be a stone like @awoodhick. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts and actions.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 12:44 I always imagine ppl walking past my house and seeing the roof bouncing up and down from all the hysterics inside. #
• 13:07 I just spelled my name wrong three times in a row. Clearly that’s GOD telling me to change it to Errian. #
• 13:35 Chooch pushed me to the edge so I blurted out, “yeah well, barbra streisand wants to take a dump on your face.” #
• 15:05 Janna just put herself on the sacrificial slab, and by that, I mean she offered to come over tonight. #
• 17:01 Somehow I always end up apologizing when I’m nowhere near sorry and its not my fault. Fuck you, solipsistic family. #
• 17:15 Henry had me sign him up for twitter. @awoodhick. This should be jolly. #
• 17:35 I need to find a wine delivery service. #
• 17:56 Chooch had me draw a picture of @awoodhick drowning in a river. We laughed vigorously. #
• 21:36 Tonight is a very good night. I am breathing regularly and am not preparing for shooting pain in left arm #
• 21:46 Chooch keeps going “whatever loser” & making an L with his hand. He does it better than I did in the nineties, whatever that’s worth. #
• 22:06 Making Janna listen to Danity Kane and near-tears as I tell her their saga. #

• 14:18 God henry, why don’t you just get a THIRD job!? #
• 15:10 At Blue Flame having a placemat draw-off with Henry. I’m winning, but that’s like, the definition of duh. #
• 15:19 twitpic.com/1m5jc – Winning entry. #
• 16:00 iCarly merch temptation=fail. #
• 16:07 twitpic.com/1m75c – Trying to beat iCarly merch temptation. #
• 17:38 I don’t need help cooking, I just need someone to do it for me. Realize that, Henry! #
• 18:54 Henry’s pissing around in the other room on the computer. I guess the prospect of viewing Annie for the 56th time doesn’t appeal to him. #

• 10:54 Chooch is eating 3 very different kinds of cereal in the same bowl and just watching is doing painful things to my gag reflex. #
• 13:44 We are currently at the gas station where I picked up Mel the Homeless Man last year. Memories. Now I’m not even sure if that’s his name? # ****
• 15:17 dear henry is painting my nails #
• 15:34 Yeah. That worked well. It looks like I stumbled into a psych ward, gave a schizo some acid & had him dunk my fingertips in tar. Thx Henry.#
• 16:14 I hope I never have a need in life to perform the sign for the letter “k.” It is much too complex for a high school dropout like myself. #
• 20:30 At the Squirrel Cage with @dyannnnna and Janna. Janna is being a douchebitch. #
• 21:18 I am going to Beck’s Romance Motel with @awoodhick. He just doesn’t know yet. #
• 22:05 http://twitpic.com/1n77j – Well fuck you too, Janna. #
• 22:15 Just performed in a Math-a-lon while amaretto’d. #
• 22:50 Holy shit. Its not even 11 and my kid is asleep? A miracle. #

• 10:09 Sometimes my son is so sweet and angelic, I have to wonder if he was switched out during the night. #
• 10:09 Like God feels a moment of compassion & says “ok, give this bitch a break. Bring the Good Kid back. Just for an afternoon.” #
• 15:35 ‘Bout to start diggin’ sum ditches, ya’ll. Holler if you’s need me. #

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**** I had to go back and look because it was driving me nuts. Aw, memories: Mel the Occasional Hobo.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 20:26 Just cried at iCarly in front of Janna. She’s all “are u really crying?” YES. YES IM A LOSER. #
• 21:31 Janna’s playing Candy Land with Chooch. Better her than me. #

• 12:21 Made Chooch scrambled eggs. Luckily, I got the serving with the shell. #
• 12:28 Chooch and I have been spending too much time together. God help us before someone gets killed. #
• 12:31 Henry to Chooch: “you’re just like your mother, climbing on me to show me what’s in your mouth.” #
• 14:24 Day Three: Wanting to return my Mommy badge. #
• 17:52 Ok, Ok! UNCLE! This housewife thing is for the birds. Oh shit, I need a job bad. #
• 20:25 My warden is running around chanting “chicken blood asshole” and laughing like Pee Wee Herman with a demon spirit up his ass. SOS. #
• 20:33 Its not a raisin, its an eraser, and it doesn’t work on pen!!!! ARGH someone slap me in the face!!!!!!! Crazytrain!!!!!! #
• 20:49 Was foolish to think the hardest part of this would be cooking dinner, when its actually the single-parenting. I surrender. #
• 20:54 Aaaaand a wet washcloth just bounced off my face. #
• 20:54 But then he says “aw mommy’s so cute” so how can I be mad?? Omg mindfuck. #
• 23:41 About to drunkrope. Jumpdrunk. Forget it. #

• 12:01 Chooch wants to be a pail of pee for next Halloween. Awesome. #
• 17:10 Forcing my “Annie” obsession upon Chooch. He’s not impressed. But he hasn’t seen Punjab yet. #
• 17:12 Could be that I’m singing loudly to all the songs. Chooch hates my theatrical warbling. He keeps saying “what’s THAT boy?” about Annie. #
• 17:18 Now hopefully my orphanage threat will have greater impact on Chooch. Except it probably looks fun to him. “Backflips on the bed? COOL!” #
• 19:03 twitpic.com/1ktan – Quietly watching Lost Boys. FOR NOW. #
• 19:59 I am so far over my minutes this month, it’s nauseating. I’m not cool enough to be part of the Verizon club, though. #
• 20:01 I forget what Henry looks like. #
• 20:02 But a quick perusal of the Megan”s Law website helped me remember. #

• 10:22 Why is french toast so hard to make? I’m so glad Henry isn’t here to witness this. #
• 10:25 This french toast tastes like no other. I hope chooch doesn’t remember it because living with a french toast aversion would be terrible. #
• 10:25 Also, I hope we don’t die from this. #
• 10:27 Something about this is very wrong. #
• 10:40 What good is a recipe if it doesn’t work? Because I’m sure my failure had NOTHING to do with me. #
• 10:56 Henry’s home, inspecting my french toast. He just asked if I even cooked it, then sniffed the kitchen. “U caught it on fire, didn’t you?” #

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Earth-shattering updates throughout the day. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 18:40 I just learned the words to Patty Cake. Yeah, I know. #
• 18:49 Hardest phone call I ever had to make. #
• 21:47 Niffer pretended to use bananas as telephones and because I am 6, it made my day #
• 06:14 It is frightening how little my family cares about my son. #
• 09:31 Ugh FUCK YOU, REO SPEEDWAGON. #
• 17:13 Henry is like my fucking Life Coach 4 realz0rz. And then Chooch spouts off wise gems like “Be friends with her! Asshole.” #
• 17:19 Chooch is tantruming because I suggested he get a tattoo that says “I like to cuddle with Mommy.” #
• 19.17 I want to flick my kid but I can’t reach him and its frustrating.

• 11:01 I feel mathematical today. I’m going to go measure things with my thumb.
• 16:41 NOT a good day to be hearing the Juliana Theory.
• 17:04 http://twitpic.com/1h166 – And ppl wonder why I hate rivers. It looks diseased right now. Shit I almost puked.
• 17:06 My manager asked me to work tonight. I hope they realize that the one they let go was the most reliable. This is awkward.

• 11:02 I love Henry and all but shit, that guy can fuck up a pot of coffee.
• 13:52 Having lunch at Mad Mex with my Valentine. And Henry.
• 13:59  http://twitpic.com/1hm8f – You’ll poke ur eye out, kid.
• 14:36 My fucking Valentine won’t share his ice cream and brownie with me. Typical man.
• 14:44 http://twitpic.com/1hnin – SELFISH.
• 15:03 http://twitpic.com/1ho2p – Pine cones have never been so funny. (Just to me, obv.)
• 16:11 Me: “Maybe I’m just a slut.” Henry: “Well, we knew that already.”
• 16:13 Chooch wanted a pine cone by our car so Henry was rummaging around on the ground by a dumpster & the image was so hilarious to me.
• 16:14 “Look at that gay man, collecting pine cones by the dumpster to stick up his ass.” I’m having a giggle fit & chooch told me to calm down.
• 17:08 I only want to get married so I can include something about “piercing my veil” in my vows. Then I can die after that.
• 20:44 Thank god for: 1. Tax refunds 2. Chooch the Deductible 3. Henry getting a second job.
• 21:38 Oh, Penguins. :(
• 23:54 Don’t call me peanut.
  

  ---

• 12:43 I’m excited to be seeing Alisha today! And by seeing I mean hanging out, not spying on her from behind a tree. That’s tomorrow.
• 17:21 That was the best grilled cheese. For a myriad of reasons. #
• 21:05 twitpic.com/1ikuv – The only cat stupid enough to hang around Chooch. #
• 21:27 Watching Amazing Love Stories on TLC. Yeah, that’s a swell idea. Perhaps next I’ll swim in sewage. #
• 01:03 There are some people who give me chestpains. I hate those people. #
• 11:09 If I don’t get to see Pierce the Veil again soon, my inner teen will explode. #
• 13:40 Henry just said “Chooch will take care of you” after I panicked for the 5326th time today. The sad part is that its probably true. #
• 13:53 twitpic.com/1iweh – Listening to the Cure, like your typical toddler does. #
• 14:04 He’s leaving for his second job and I’m waaaaailing!!!!! If I had a little less respect, I’d have grabbed him by the ankle. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 12:46 About to go wild in a cemetery. #
• 13:04 twitpic.com/1e4rl – Freaks at the cem. #
• 14:02 hello I officially found the best cupcakes in this city. #
• 14:05 I want to send roses and an engagement ring to the baker of the cupcakes I just had. #
• 19:16 The lies keep coming. #
• 19:19 In spite of all the drama my ex-bff is creating today, I can’t stop thinking about that cupcake I made love to. I mean, ate. That I ate. #
• 15:27 The person who stole my best friend from me continues to heart things in my Etsy shop. MALICIOUS. #
• 19:08 How do you say LYING in Spanish? #
• 19:12 My one duty was to half-assedly wash Chooch’s face before we leave the house. Henry just asked, “what did u wash it with, chocolate?” #
• 20:09 I love Anderson windows. They could, and do, rape circles around Gilkey, which is run by liars. #
• 23:15 Henry just theorized that maybe Chooch hates being cuddled because I never learned to properly swaddle him during his infancy. #
• 08:35 Sometimes I wish I could crawl up in Phil Collins’ voice and lay there in a fetal curve. #
• 09:14 Chooch has graduated from “Head on the Door” to “Wish,” which he keeps in his room on repeat. I love him. #
• 11:44 Chooch: “Speck can’t play puzzle piece. She doesn’t have hands. Just feet.” (He calls puzzles “playing puzzle piece” & he’s very into it.) #

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I do not care about much anymore.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 14:06 OMG turn fucking 18 already, kid!!!! #
• 14:44 Henry’s giving me a lesson in confidence. #
• 17:22 chooch poured glue in Henry’s hair while he was laying in bed, and it was 24carat awesomeness. #
• 18:21 If you ask my kid who his grandma is, he not surprisingly only mentions Henry’s mom. #
• 00:48 Double Shot of Love has shown me that LOVE IS REAL and EVERLASTING. Thank you, Ikki Twins. #
• 00:49 And why is the girl so shocked she didn’t get picked at the end? THEYRE NOT REAL LESBIANS. #

• 09:15 Officially do not believe in the idea of bff. #
• 10:01 Lying to me must be some sick sport, because people sure love to do it. #
• 14:11 Henry just tried to have intellectual discourse with Manwich on his face #
• 17:27 One door closes and another opens. #
• 21:12 Funny, I didn’t realize that when I said “wish I could stay home!” b4 I left for work, that I’d actually get my wish! #
• 21:23 Oh universe, you sly devil. #
• 23:00 Oh hay, this is the first time I’ve been involuntarily unemployed. #

• 08:49 Oh shit. That wasn’t just a bad dream. #
• 12:25 I might have to learn how to cook. #
• 12:31 How I managed to snag such a patient and supportive man is mind-boggling. #
• 09:08 How Long Do You Ignore a Tantrum Before It Stops: a forthcoming essay on toddler (& personal) histrionics by Erin R Kelly #

• 13:25 I bet I could be a Sunday School teacher. Don’t you just need a Laura Ashley dress and some Jesus sandles? #
• 13:49 I’m starting to think karma lost my number. #
• 14:17 Srsly looking into starting Hank’s Dirty Cupcakes. I want the shop to have an awning made from Dickie’s with a big mustache on it. #
• 14:31 There is something to be said of my mental maturity when I squeal over new episodes of The Mighty B and iCarly. #
• 15:21 I could spend an entire day overthinking children’s jokes. #
• 18:41 My almost-to-be-ex-boss just gave me 2 valentine cookies so I will leave with a good taste in my mouth. He’s cute. #
• 20:51 HAHA Henry is buying STEEL NIPPLES at Home Depot. #

• 14:00 twitpic.com/1dj9d – Waiting for Alice to start. Glorified high school play up in here. #
• 15:03 Dyanna and I are totally the only ppl here w/o kids. #
• 15:21 I could be a dancing flower. #
• 15:23 Just enjoyed a lovely cookie and juice box. Thanks Dyanna!! #
• 15:48 twitpic.com/1dlzu – Best frog in a play award goes to that girl #
• 18:36 Henry’s going thru a really awkward monochrome phase. #
• 19:05 There’s a table of washed up strippers here at McD’s PlayLand and one of their daughters is 7 & totally not wearing underwear. #
• 19:37 Chooch just kissed some girl’s babydoll. Very odd. #
• 22:35 drawing juice boxes, yo. #

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Things I wish to remember about Alice in Wonderland:

1. The introductory light show that had Dyanna concerned. “Is this the whole show?” she asked, and I think she was only half-kidding. And trust me, if you were there, you would have only half-kid about that too.
2. The curtained doorway that looked like a celery stalk’s vagina, which all the characters kept running through, and later the Cheshire Cat poked his face through for drawn-out periods of time.
3. When we got up to get our pre-school refeshments during intermission, one elderly woman said to her friend, “And Alice is black, can you imagine?”
4. The man who sat next to Dyanna, making her feel extra comfortable.
5. Dyanna giving me a dollar so I wouldn’t have to purchase my snacks with a handful of coins. THAT MEANS WE WERE ON A DATE.
6. The 70-year-old man playing the King, who I just know was back stage goosing all the teenaged girls.
7. Laughing because we only went since I got some random flier in the mail, making us the only random people there.
8. Realizing that there were tons of worse entertainment we could have purchased for $5 (dollar off for us flier-holders!)
9. The way the Cheshire Cat sleazed around the stage (he was played by a girl) and kept rubbing up on Alice almost sort of kind of made me blush a little.
10. The narrator’s fabulous glittery starred vest that would have made Liberace burst into a jazz-handed fireworks display if ever the two were in the same room.
11. Dyanna’s juice box incompetence.

In summary: it was a good to get my mind off things for an afternoon, so thank you  to Dyanna for accompanying me!