God, I love this picture of her so much! She has such a teddy bear face. (Chooch says no.)

Penelope has really been out and about a lot more often lately so I feel less lonely but you know, still kind of weird because I have that guilt. Like, is Drew watching? Is she angry wherever she is, knowing that Penelope is sitting on my lap while I’m working or laying on me while I’m trying to sleep on the couch (BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HOT IN THE BEDROOM NOT BECAUSE THERE IS MARITAL DURESS OK? GOD, WAY TO START RUMORS, PEOPLE)?

What a shitty time I have been having these days, but at least I have Penelope to cuddle.

(Yesterday was an especially short-fused and dark mental day for me for some reason – do we even need a reason though – so I panic-bought a ticket to see NCT127 in March but to Henry’s chagrin. BUT! I did only buy myself a ticket so he is free to either sleep his face off in the hotel or buy a nosebleed seat the day-of. Aren’t I so nice? So, I guess we are going back to Chicago again.)

Hi! It’s 8:36am and we’re on our way to take Chooch back to Philly :( But wouldja look at his COAT??!! He went to the mall with his friends last night and actually found one he liked and I was like USE MY CREDIT CARD I DONT CARE HOW MUCH because I was so happy. Then I found out it’s an Eddie Bauer so say hello to your early Christmas present, son.

10:45am I have spent most of the ride so far arguing with Henry because he put me in charge of looking for somewhere to stop for lunch and you know how much I hate that chore. We just drove past some restaurant in a place called LICKING CREEK and they had a sign hanging that said WELCOME HUNTERS so I flipped out about that because FUCK A HUNTER. “Why do people treat them like heroes when they’re just hick barbarians running wild in the woods with guns??”

And would you believe Henry attempted to “NOT ALL” hunters to me??? Yes, yes you can believe that. Ugh I am so irate.

11:56am: Ugh Henry woke me up from a deep I-might-be-getting-sick sleep because he HAD to stop at Mr. Ed’s candy emporium and then proceeded to only buy stuff for himself. Truly is the worst

Stupid Pez room where I got blocked in by a bunch of feral kids. I really don’t like kids.

Miserable.

Me yelling at him for being miserable and then I yelled at Henry for taking bad pictures as usual.

Henry bought a bag of “9 Variety Pretzels” and first of all 1/4 are disgusting and second, I’m hard pressed to understand how they get 9 varieties when most of them are just different shapes but the same pretzel flavor?! “They should sell these at House of 1000 Beers,” I capped off my seething review.

2:18pm: just ate a place called Root – a vegan place in downtown Lancaster – and Chooch who is suddenly into football was crying because his phone died and he couldn’t watch it and then he was muttering and being a general nuisance so I flipped out and said I was no longer sad to be taking him back to college and he was like WOW and then Henry came back from the bathroom like “what did I miss” while I was in the middle of breaking up with the whole family. Then some brat kid arrived with his dad who was wearing an ironic Xmas sweater and had a hand tattoo of a clock and was probably into, I dunno, sad boy music, came in and sat next to us and the kid was sooooo screechy in his booster seat and the dad must have been on a date because Henry didn’t think she seemed like the mom and Emo Dad totally focused all his attention on her.

Hated them.

What I didn’t hate was the food and the service. We had two servers tag teaming us and they were awesome and friendly.

I got a “Reuben” with avocado, Chooch got an impossible burger, and Henry got a “shrimp” bowl which was very delicious. #beasted

Cool art too!! Featuring the top of my head – my part is really weird today.

2:33pm: “I already know what’s going to happen,” I said. “Chooch is going to move on and never talk to us just like Blake.”

“Do you want to be right?” Chooch asked dryly.

3:12pm: Just left Dutch Haven! Their shoofly pie never disappoints. Unforch, there were two carfuls of a super invasive and rude family who descended upon the shop, causing a commotion and letting their brood run amok. I really just can’t deal with that shit. The screeching. The small feet running through the store and knocking things over. The one kid whacked a row of wind chimes and her dad was like “kids do be, right?”

Also this family had “Rather be at Disney” stickers on their cars and I can’t even imagine the levels of assholeness and entitlement they reserve for Disney.

But it was still ok because we got our pies and pretzels and Chooch got two pencil sharpeners – a slot machine and the Liberty Bell lol ok. They’re made out of pewter or something, I dunno.

oh also I uninvited Chooch to Chingumas when we were at lunch, he had me spiraling out in anger. “And I’m not texting you anymore either!!!”

“Oh no,” he sang with emergency jazz hands.

5:05pm: Chooch is back in his dorm:(

Actually no, strike the frown! I’m still mad at him lol. I tried to make him apologize but he wouldn’t.

I helped him carry stuff into his dorm and wanted desperately to write SEVENTEEN RULZ on someone’s white board but he wouldn’t let me.

Now it’s just me, Henry, and Henry’s nose whistle in the car. :( For the next 5.5 hours.

7:46pm: Henry and I are back on speaking terms after he finally apologized for not being able to read my mind three rest stops ago. This ride is so boring. Especially when we’re not talking lol.

9:32pm: I couldn’t wait until I got home – I had to watch Seventeen’s Disney performance on YouTube and it was so pure, as were the comments on ABC’s Instagram post, which is always scary when an American TV channel is promoting Kpop because that tends to bring the racists out in droves. But it was all good and supportive <3

Well I guess on that note, I’ll just publish this. We have 40 minutes left and most of that will probably just be us talking about Seventeen because, #CaratCouple

We redid the Chooch wall (just painted it blue and actually hung the portraits in a less schizophrenic pattern plus swapped some older ones out) but what I’m most excited about is that Henry finally put red lights around the Cure wall. I’ve been nagging him for years and I finally wore him down I guess.

So that’s a thing that happened over the weekend.

Another highlight was that I got a delicious cauliflower sandwich thing from Allegro.

It was nice.

And then I also got a gift set of Chouffe that came with a glass!

I collect Belgian beer glasses now in case you care because apparently in order to be legit you have to drink Belgian beer from certain designated glasses. So much to Henry’s chagrin, I have a new thing to collect. Woo.

In other weekend news, we honestly spent so much time watching G-Dragon MAMA footage, reactions, etc. I can’t believe how much us VIPs have been fed by GD over the last month. No one does it like he does, no one. That man could have napped on the stage in a rocking chair and the crowd would have screamed their faces off. The power of GD. LIVING LEGEND. When I say he is right up there in my book alongside Robert Smith and Phil Collins…sheesh.

Also this happened and I lost my shit crying:

13 people. ♥️

I was so happy about all of these things that I did not let Monday get me down not even one tiny bit.

And the best part is that Henry keeps saying, “Let’s watch BIGBANG again” and then WE WATCH IT AGAIN. I love this for us so much. Henry never requested that I play Dance Gavin Dance stuff over again lol.

Oh! And I was inspired to make new kpop Christmas cards and I designed a label for the kimchi that Henry is making as party favors for Chingumas.

I still feel half-depressed but hopefully this is a sign that things are getting better I don’t know, baby steps. Bye.

I woke up so happy as soon as I remembered it was Friday. It’s been another long week. We cherish the Fridays.  Let’s Friday Five it out!!

I.

Our friend Marlene is having hip replacement surgery next week, so Megan, Debby and I went to her house last night to hang out with her. I love Marlene so much. She is in a lot of pain and really anxious to get this surgery done and over with, yet she was still in good spirits and her humor was just as biting and sharp as ever! Marlene is honestly goals.

I even went to TRADER JOE’S the night before to get some snacks to bring but ended up so overwhelmed and angry (I hate grocery stores in general but this one really angers me plus one of the worker girls was in my fucking way every time I turned around and I ranted about it for a solid 10 minutes after we left, culminating in me shouting, “JUST GO IN THE BACK AND STOCK SOMETHING IN THE FUCKING DUMPSTER” which I didn’t think was that funny but Henry did and actually laughed out loud and then that annoyed me too.

Anyway,  I ended up bringing two loaves of the delicious bread that is freshly baked several times a day at JMart down the street from us. We love this bread – I think it might be Uzbek? Those in the know (WE ARE IN THE KNOW, IS WHAT I AM HUMBLY ALLUDING TO HERE) will arrive at JMart around the time the bread is baked because it usually sells out before they even have a chance to put it on the shelves. We just happened to be there once when there WAS a loaf of it out on display, devoured it like barbarians within minutes of bringing it home, and then obsessively tried to buy it again after that. Henry finally asked one time when were there buying walnuts for my squirrels (lol) when the bread would be available again and the owner’s son gave us a hush-hush pro tip. Anway, Henry stopped there yesterday on his way home from work, had to wait in line for 30 minutes, but ultimately procured three loaves – two for me to take to Marlene’s and one for him to eat at his leisure lol – and it ended up being a hit even though Marlene was scared when I started my explanation of the bread with, “OK, just hear me out—”

But yeah, it was such a nice, cozy evening. I always enjoy hearing stories of Marlene’s youth, and Debby was telling us about how she and some others used to watch The Young and the Restless on a tiny B&W TV in the law firm’s breakroom in the 80s (yes, Debby had been working here for that long!).

And we learned that even though Marlene HATES cheese (weirdo!) she does enjoy cheese popcorn.

“Because it’s not real cheese,” she shrugged.

Here’s hoping her surgery goes well and that she’ll be back on her feet in no time!

II.

I snagged two tickets for the Toronto date of the upcoming Stray Kids tour (and a complimentary stress headache from Ticketmaster) and I am so stoked!!

We saw them in 2022 and it was such an amazing show that even Henry, who didn’t know TOO much about them at the time, walked away a Stay. (Well, maybe – I think he will only commit to being a Carat. He doesn’t have the energy to multi-stan.)

III.

I lost my mind this afternoon over Drew and started crying so uncontrollably that I gave myself a grief headache on top of the stress headache from Ticketmaster. I am so depressed. Adding to this depression and free-fall into midlife crisis’ing, I was unable to thread a needle this morning and burst into tears because it was so frustrating and OMG my eyes.

IV.

Did I really frame a Polaroid of me when I was 4, my best year, wearing my favorite dress and looking my best before I mutated in a fat and frumpy doof and my chin finished developing into its final Jay Leno form? Yes I certainly did.

But the other side is my grandparents at least. I love this picture of them because my Pappap is playfully (trust me it’s playful) pretending to slap her and some unknown hand is holding him back. At least – this is what I have always assumed was happening here. And I have always loved this picture so much. I miss my Pappap.

I know Temu is a no-no-mu, but I sure love these acrylic frames they sell.

V.

Can we end with two new songs from G-DRAGON (FEAT. TAEYANG AND DAESUNG) AND WONHO???? Yes, yes, we can. Happy pre-weekending! I’ll be catching up on the MAMA Award performances, my traditional pre-Thanksgiving tradition!

*******

Well, I’d like to note that I might have woken up happy but it’s now 7:24pm and I’m the exact opposite of happy. I’m sick of the way my job makes me feel.

Everything makes me cry anymore. Is it just that this year has been like a piñata stuffed with bad news and dread and devastating loss or am I perimenopausal. I don’t know but I am tired of feeling so many emotions constantly! I just want another day like Saturday where I feel calm and at peace without a fucking projector reel of trauma spinning out behind my eyes.

Even things that make me happy are also making me sad. Seventeen? I love them but I’m also sitting here and crying because they’re in their military era, because S.Coups couldn’t join them on Na Na Tour last year because of his injury rehab, because seeing them in Chicago was one of the best moments of my life but it was so fleeting.

I’m happy that Chooch is loving college life but I’m sad because I’m still here being depressed about Drew Beringer dying and I miss Chooch so much on top of that and nothing feels right in this house.

Please don’t tell Henry I am saying this but he is the only stable and familiar thing in my life right now. Everything else feels so weird and not right. This house. My job. My body. My brain.

I know it’s weird to put these things in a calendar constraint – like the year has anything to do with it, like January 1 will actually reset anything and make things ok again. But I really am looking forward to putting 2024 in the past. If I can get through even one day next year without crying, then it will already be better than this year.

There was no real point to this. Just feeling weird.

This new NCT Dream song has taken over my life. I am haunted. Renjun’s part in the beginning, the way he says “you” specifically, the fact that Haechan wrote these lyrics. All of these things paired with the DARK SYNTH OF MY YOUTH and I am down for the count.

Can someone please melt down Renjun’s voice and inject it into my heart, thank you. I think it’s the only thing that can heal me. I need to keep it in a flask.

Anyway, it was killing me over the weekend but I finally realized that this reminds me of a synthpop song that I was OBSESSED WITH when Henry and I first started dating and I was super into dark synth. That chime at the 1:15 mark goes right through me in the best “Bourbon in a cavity” type of way. Like when you are already so fucking depressed about something and you keep purposely listening to sad music to make it worse?? I know that’s not just me.

I found this on Spotify when we were driving to Cleveland on Saturday and it was suddenly winter 2002 again, whatever synthpop compilation this song was on playing on repeat in my CD player, and me laying on the floor crying.

You know, the uje.

Saturday was one of the most calm and emotionally mellow days I’ve had this year. I don’t know if that’s progress or if I’m just shutting down – lol – but it was a day of little to no complaints which is all I can ask for anymore.

Henry and I left the house around 8AM and drove to Cleveland in search of Korean beer for Chingumas. Pennsylvania is so fucking annoying and the Asian markets – at least here in Pgh – don’t sell alcohol. We got a few 6-packs from H-Mart in Chicago last month but still need more. It’s just so fucking hard to find not to mention expensive! Everything else Korean is so popular and common now in the US but alcohol, ugh. But I remembered that last year we went to a small and I do mean tiny Korean corner store and snatched up some last minute makgeolli and soju for the inaugural Chingumas, and they had K-beer there as well. So, it was a daytrip date for The Empty Nesters. Sigh.

The only thing you missed from the car ride was:

• me obsessing over the new NCT Dream album, most notably the song “Best of Me” and then using up every ounce of brain juice I had in reserves to recall the synthpop song it reminds me of (“Can’t Tell” by MindSideOut, fyi).
• me obsessing over my bulging veins in my hands because I desperately needed to drink water and then I started screaming, “My veins are varicosing!!!” and Henry was oddly mad about this and called me a liar. Trump gets re-elected and Henry’s already asserting his white maleness. Yay.
• my phone getting an event alert that WOLFENOOT is upcoming. Since my phone was connected to the car, this also popped up on the screen for Henry to see and he goes, “WOLFENWHAT??” and I had to explain to him that something like 10 years ago, someone posted on Twitter that their kid invented a holiday called WOLFENOOT, observed annually on 11-23, and I set a reminder in my phone so that I too could celebrate this lovely imaginary holiday except that I have failed to celebrate it even once in all these, so Henry goes, “Why don’t you just….delete the reminder?” AS IF.
  • I wonder if that kid even still celebrates it. What if I am the only one in the world who still even has it on the calendar??
    • OK I just googled it because I couldn’t even remember the purpose of this holiday and now that I’m reminded of its cause, I think I should try to observe it for real this year but I AM NOT EATING ROASTED MEAT.

It felt like it took so much longer to get to Cleveland than usual. Did it always take 2 hours?! I feel like it used to be a 90 minute drive!? Anyway, our first stop was Vegan Doughnuts (I wish they had had a contest to help them come up with a better name than that because I would have entered with a quickness). We arrived at the Lakewood location around 10:45 and I was so happy to see that it now has its own storefront and isn’t squatting inside that Brewnuts place which is where we had to go 2 years ago to get their donuts and it was full of pretentious craft beer day drinkers and I loved the aesthetic but HATED the vibes.

Now, I feel that on any other given day, our Erin would have reacted to this is a very different way, but when we walked to the donut place and saw that there was a sign that said “restocking, be back at 11:15” I simply shrieked “OH COME ON!!!!” and then agreed to just walk around the area instead of starting a fire to the entire block while screaming LET’S JUST GO HOME and then spending the next 2 hours back in the car, pouting and scowling out the window.

I’m getting there, you guys! I’m getting there.

So, we went for a walk and saw this amazingly frightening storefront. The place was called Hixson’s – I have no idea what kind of store it was. Henry’s guess was “Stained glass” – I’m too ambivalent to google.

When we got back to the donut place, it was 11:13 and a LINE HAD ACCUMULATED. Again, I started to get bent out of shape, but Henry was like, “It’s not that bad” to which I said, “YEAH BUT THERE ARE SMALL KIDS IN THE LINE ALSO” but I sighed heavily and got in line anyway. And he was right – it was not that bad. We only had to stand outside for about 5 minutes before the door was opened to us and since it’s just donuts or GTFO, the line moved swiftly. Within another 5 minutes, it was our turn and even after I was cursing people under my breath for taking ones I wanted, everything I wanted was still available and even better – when I inquired about the empty raspberry strudel section, the super friendly donut girl said there were more in the back and that if we were ok with waiting a few minutes, she’d bring one out to us! It was a donut miracle!

And on this day, I learned that being patient and leaving my hateful comments at the curb, I too could enjoy the donut I most wanted.

Resting donut face.

Seriously, who looks that pissed at a donut shop!?!? He wasn’t even mad about anything that day except that I think he was annoyed with everyone else in line with us and that was valid, believe me. I am just trying to be a better person or else I would have typed a few paragraphs about the donut waiting room.

Old-fashioned, Boston Creme (ugh, Henry’s choice), apple cider, lemon lavender. Not pictured – the raspberry strudel which came out to us in a separate bag.

Yo, I say this every time I have a donut, that I am really not a donut person but these donuts are just SO GOOD. The lemon lavender was my fave – I loved how bright the lemon flavor was and how soft and chewy the dough is. Honestly worth the drive especially if you’re looking for vegan donuts specifically, but these are even more delicious than a lot of non-vegan donuts I’ve had, really.

Plus!! It’s owned by a Black woman and I love to support that.

Then we went to Kim’s and got four 6 packs of beer. It was slim-pickins. But the older couple who run that shop are so nice and it was a pleasant experience so not a total bust. We also went to another larger Asian market (the one where I first found the BIGBANG iced tea bottles all those years ago!) but they do not have ANY alcohol. We did get some snacks for the drive home though.

The rest of the evening was spent watching Seventeen’s Nana Tour on Viki (it is wild having Henry hard stan a Kpop group and not just casually being a fan from a distance) and sharing Belgian beers which was easier to procure than Korean beers, sigh.

I’m not one to dream-journal, but the one I had last night was so real and amazing and I never ever ever want to forget it, even though I feel so sad and heavy-hearted now.

OK so first of all, I was in college!? I was the age I am now, and it was so uncomfortable, plus I kept falling asleep in English class and couldn’t get words to come out right, like I was trying to talk with wet gravel in my mouth. But somehow, against all odds, I made friends with this young girl from NY named Dream (lol) and I was telling her about Chooch going to Drexel and that I felt weird for being 45 and in college and she was like, “No you’re fine!” but everyone else was straight scowling at me with disgust, like I smelt of elder-diapers and prunes, so I did not feel fine. Then I got some papers back and of course the comments were talking about what a fucking writing phenom I was. *blows on fingertips*

Then, even though I thought I was living in the dorms, I was back in the super small apartment that I was sharing with this Korean influencer who I have followed for years (IRL) – Joan Kim. She had just come back from one of her many business trips and we were hugging but I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, even though I lived there. While she was in the bathroom, I was sitting on a couch and suddenly, Jonghyun from SHINee (he passed away in 2017 so this was extra jarring) was sitting next to me and in my dream, he was my best friend that only I could see.

But he was also still Jonghyun who was a real person, so this was not an imaginary friend sitch. I was SO FUCKING HAPPY TO SEE HIM that I was crying. Then Joan came out of the bathroom and I had to act like I wasn’t sitting on the couch, hugging Jonghyun.

She left, and then Jonghyun and I went out. We were walking around this cute little street lined with small cafes and gift shops and somehow we were both like, “WE ARE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS” and he kissed me and I was like, “!!!!!!!!!!”  Then! A little girl said something to him and I said, “You can see him??” and she looked at me like I was crazy and then I realized that everyone could see him; somehow, we figured out that he was only “alive” in this particular town, which turned out to be a small town in France?! I guess that is where I was living with Joan Kim, while apparently going to college in the US, I have no idea. So, then I was trying to get him to stay, because then we could be together, but he was like, “I have to go to….” some other weird ass cities I can’t remember now, but I can still feel my desperation at trying to keep him here.

This is one of the only celebrity deaths that hit me hard and stuck with me. I keep a framed picture of him on our bedroom wall. I am so sad today, all over again.

This was the Jonghyun in my dream :(

Between the weird and shitty personal things that have me feeling super down this year, Bambi dying, the election and the horrible things looming on the horizon, last night’s dream, and the fact that our Law Firm days are over for good as far as our beloved 10th floor goes (our office is consolidating floors and ours got the ax), I am just so numb and have no faith or hope. Just a weird limbo between “too tired to cry” and “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

OK never mind about being too tired to cry because after avoiding this song for years, I am listening to it now and crying hot ugly fat tears. Lock me in a dark room somewhere and throw away the key.

How are you? And you? And you, Prudence? Eh, I’m … you know. Not stoked that Trump created a new department named after a meme for that fucking psycho megalomaniac Elon Musk to use to the country further into the ground. Every day we’re gifted more things to be horrified by – jump scares every time a news alert comes in. America as a haunted house.

I guess I will try to focus on positive things that are currently swimming against the PANIC CURRENT of my brain. For one thing, we have an NCT DREAM comeback! This song is my current fave jam. Please listen.

Thank god for Kpop.

I had a really cathartic therapy session today. I really appreciate my therapist and am hoping that she fixes me soon so that we can be friends is that weird I guess not. See also me googling “is it inappropriate to invite your therapist to your Xmas party.”

Wow am I actually at the bottom of the barrel of “positive things” for the week? That’s…alarming.

We’re redoing the Chooch Tribute wall in our living room – does that count? By redoing, it’s not a major overhaul. Just repainting and rearranging the pictures. Some need swapped out and I really want to add either his graduation portrait or one of his senior portraits as the center, and I want to have this finished before he comes home for Thanksgiving.

Oh! We’re going to dinner with Pam and Greg on Friday and I am excited to hang out and have a healthy, hearty bitch fest with fellow NeverTrumpers.

Still in my Belgian beer era, in case you were wondering. Henry brought me a…starter kit? Variety pack? Of beers from this one Belgian brewery and I know I said I was a Delirium girlie but I think now my bestie is Gulden Draak.

I had one that I hated though!! It wasn’t in that pack – we got it at that FALSELY NAMED HOUSE OF 1000 BEERS. It was a Chocolate Cherry Duchesse and I thought it would be good because I loved the other fruity version of Duchesse I had but THIS SHIT WAS SO DISGUSTING. It even smelled so bad, like walking into a house where the windows hadn’t been opened since the 1970s I don’t know how else to describe it but it was old and musty and then it hits your tongue like a taser. So sour and disgusting. Literally one of the worst beers I have had ever had. I immediately made Henry drink my half and he also wasn’t a fan so he was not thrilled.

Oh another positive thing is that we are having the annual Trimming of Trudy the night after Thanksgiving with Corey and Janna like old times! Henry better provide snacks. And they better bring me BELGIAN BEER.

Well, that’s all for now. I’m going to sit here with a blanket over my head while watching Seventeen content probably. Stan Seventeen, you guys.

I’m grateful that my mom always let me do what I wanted to my bedroom aesthetic – teenage Erin would be proud (maybe a little confused) to see that her adult self held on to the same style guide lol.

This is all I’ve got right now – small little pockets of joy. I love this spot for the saranghae sign because it illuminates the acrylic shelf above it.

Yeah boy.

I’m so ready to vote. I was already fired up but after encountering an aggressive grassroots MAGA brigade when all I wanted to do was go for a nice afternoon walk and enjoy a sunny fall day but a fleet of small-dick energy pickup trucks decorated with massive and putrid TRUMP flags and driven by white power fisting redneck men had other plans for me.

It felt like harassment. I was telling a canvasser about this yesterday and he said very calmly, “That’s because it was. That is their whole agenda, their entire platform.”

Bullying. Hate. Misogyny. Guns guns guns.

I was angry that I started to spiral out and then I thought I was going to have a heart attack (#drama) so Henry and I had to switch to a side street but I could still hear the horns blasting and the ACTUAL hootin’ and hollarin’ so we ended up just going back home.

Stress.

I was getting ready for bed last night when my friend Patty messaged me on Instagram and said that she had gone to Facebook to wish her friend Jeff a happy birthday and saw that he had died earlier in the year. This is significant because Jeff was my boyfriend from 1998-2001 until I dumped him for Henry at Dave Navarro concert at Metropol.

We definitely didn’t part on the best terms, but we eventually made peace with each other (he even stopped over a few mths later to give me a CD of his DJing, shook Henry’s hand and everything) and stayed e-friends ever since. That didn’t amount to more than an occasional Instagram like, though.

There was one time at least 10 years ago, if not more, where he messaged me and said that he had been going to AA meetings at the church across from my house and that we should get coffee sometime.

We never met up for coffee, but this is how I found out he was an alcoholic and after Googling his obit last night, severe health complications related to his decades-long struggle is what ultimately took his life last January.

Right before Barb died, actually. This year just keeps doling it out, doesn’t it?

I don’t really know what this emotion is that I’m feeling. Shock? Sadness? Guilt? I was SUCH A CUNT to this man. He deserved so much better than me and I can say this now without any reservation – I treated him like an absolute dog. I cheated on him habitually. I lied to him. I fucked with him. But worst of all, I was just straight-up abusive to him.

We met in Darkchat (of course) in the fall of 1998. His name on there was Samhain, so I called him Sammy. He was in the process of moving to Pgh for art school and was looking to make some friends. We met in the parking lot of Pier 1 (RIP) in Pleasant Hills and went to the theater across the street to see John Carpenter’s Vampires. I remember my friend Cinn, also from Darkchat (Jesus Christ I was/am such a fucking dork) was worried about this and was also in the parking lot for observance purposes and deemed him, immediately, a non-threat.

Cinn loved him and called him Sammy even after I ultimately switched to “Jeff.”

The worst part is that now I can see what a truly sweet and kind guy he was, when back then I made fun of those traits and found him “weak.” I was so wrong and bad for him.

I wish that we had just started as friends and stayed that way, instead of designing the entire meet-up as a “date.” I feel like I knew from the beginning that the compatibility wasn’t there, but then he kind of leaned on me as a crutch since he was shy and new to the city and honestly he couldn’t have picked a worse person for this assignment because not only was I an absolute agent of chaos, but my friends were motherfuckers to him too. (With the exception of Janna and Cinn.) He used to go home to Uniontown every weekend and I was SUDDENLY SINGLE on those weekends, having house parties, going out, just being completely disrespectful of his feelings.

Janna and I went to lunch today and she pointed out that I was a kid and I agree with that, I was immature and literally only cared about myself and am truly a completely different person now but it doesn’t make me any less disgusted with myself. I have no idea what Jeff was going through all of these years. I wish I could have apologized to him.

Easter at my Grandma’s house, 2001 prob.

On Instagram, Jeff mostly posted pictures of the food he cooked (he liked to cook, even back then) and his dog, who was referenced numerous times in the obituary and for some reason, maybe because I am a sucker for animals, the fact that he left behind his cherished best friend is what has made me crumble. It also said that his parents are now caring for the dog (Kenny) so thank god.

His last IG post was from Xmas 2023, and Kenny was featured in that image carousel.

And then reading the messages on the memorial page broke me too because the echoing sentiment was that he was so kind, docile, pure-hearted, etc. And he was! He was all of these fucking things and I was the fucking Devil.

Barb’s birthday was 10/29. Carol’s birthday was 10/31. Jeff’s birthday was also 10/31. All three of these people, once prominent fixtures in my life, are dead instead of celebrating birthdays this week. I feel so fucking weird.

You guys this was Henry’s dinner yesterday. Why.

Ok now I have to go back to watching a livestream of NCT Dream arriving at Incheon Intl Airport with RENJUN finally with them, instead of cooking Henry dinner like a good little wife because I am clearly part of the problem.

LOL.

I’ve been on this kick of printing out pictures of the three of us to frame, starting with our last trip to Korea and I am sad that we didn’t take more family pics. These are the only ones I have of all three of us together :(

I’m counting down to when we’re all together again, this is such a weird transition and really nothing prepares you for it!

This is your friendly reminder to take more pictures with your family, pets, etc. (and also, if you ever need to buy me a present, I am always accepting pictures frames of any size!).

Hey, it’s me, your least favorite Internet Sad Sack. I was (am, I AM) having a decent day but then I watched the Seventeen M Countdown comeback stage and it made me cry and feel overwhelmed with sadness again.

Janna made me feel comforted though because when I told her that I am genuinely scared to see Seventeen next week, she said that now this is something that Bambi can be there for too. I mean ouch but also aw!? This is such a peaceful way to think about it. Thank you, Jananananamanadanamdbam.

I don’t know if I have mentioned this, but we hung this Bambi memorial shelf right next to my work desk so sometimes I will reach over and put my hand on the Bambi box. I really wish that I could say that things are getting easier, especially for anyone who might be reading this looking for hope, but jfc it stings so much still on a daily basis. Every time I walk in the house and say, “Guys, I’m home” and have to thwack myself on the side of the head because the plural doesn’t apply here anymore.

The paper cranes were made by Chooch the week she died – he would make one and leave it on my work desk. He stopped at three, but I appreciate that he even made that many before losing steam! The green cat at the top was made my friend Lyda’s son. <3

I hate not being able to see her face in real life, I hate it so much.

The little tangerine fabric thing under the frame is a piece of what my Bambi tattoo was wrapped with. I thought I should keep a piece of it because that tattoo was part of the healing process.

The vet made this paw print mold for us. ;(

A jar of some of her fur. This is hard. We still have some left (the vet gave us an envelope of it) and I think I want to send some away to have it made into jewelry. I also want to do that with some her ashes, but that is really hard for me to think about still.

This box was provided by the cremation place, and it is fine for now but maybe I might want to upgrade to a nicer vessel someday. Again, it’s really hard still. I was a mess just looking for the fur receptable on Etsy.

OK bye.