Why are short work weeks always so chaotic and borderline abusive? I had a really shitty day today and gulped a double shot of apple soju as soon as I logged off. Maybe a minute before I logged off. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE.

Labor Day Weekend went by in a blur. We didn’t do anything on Saturday except for that bakery that I already mentioned, but Sunday morning was nice because we met up with Bill, Jessi, and their friend Loretta before they left town after the RHPS con ended. I’m glad we had the chance to meet up with them if even just for a quick meal because they are seriously some of my favorite people and this was our first time meeting Loretta who naturally was also awesome. Chooch and I both immediately agreed on the way home that she had Chris Hyde vibes so it’s a big NO DUH that we liked her.

Anyway, we met at Waffles Inc downtown and their lying POS website said that there was NO WAIT and therefore NO NEED to add our party to the virtual waitlist. YEAH, MY ASS! We had to wait for over 30 minutes which is fine because at least we got to stand outside and chat but it was also annoying because we were tryna’ show our Michigan friends some good old Yinzer hospitality which maybe actually entails forcing your visitors to stand on a sidewalk in the middle of a dying city.

I want to remember that Henry’s and my breakfasts were messed up and Henry was RULL RUDE to the server about it for absolutely no reason, but I was nicer. I got some weird-ass omelet filled with honey mascarpone and topped with grilled peaches and spicy mayo!?!? I mean, I had. I had to know. It was actually pretty palatable but SMALL AF. Honestly, it might have been the smallest omelet I have ever received in a restaurant and Chooch, also recipient of a lilliputian egg splat, said the same.

The omelet itself was kind of dry too? And my blueberry toast was dry and the server never brought any butter so I’m not sure WTF was going on but I don’t think I will be returning there.

Then our checks were messed up and Henry was like a fucking Bearded Karen over it, it was SO EMBARRASSING. Actually, he was embarrassing in so many ways – the rude, gruff way he spoke to the server and then also shooting us back to yesteryear by gendering the table when observing that “the girls were on one side and the boys were on the other.” Jesus, Henry.

You know I called him out over his shitty attitude and he was like, “WHAT. SHE FUCKED UP.” and I was like, “LOOK I WAS A WAITRESS FOR ONE NIGHT SO I AM QUALIFIED TO WEIGH IN ON THIS – IT IS A HARD JOB AND SHE IS DOING HER BEST, IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN HER LIFE.” The point is, yes, she made some mistakes BUT SHE WAS STILL FRIENDLY AND PROFESSIONAL. If she was doing a bad job AND had a shitty attitude? Then, sure, go lodge a complaint, go hogwild on Yelp, GO ASK TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER. But this woman was not deserving of even the slightest sneer in your tone, Henry, so step off.

I apparently was more affected by this than I realized.

They’ve been posing together since Chooch was 2! I’m so happy that our long-distance friendship continues to thrive after all these years.

Sunday morning selfie with my Judy Mary coffee cup <3 I am starting to open my heart back up to things, such as Korea. (Not Henry yet, though. Obviously.)

Peenlop <3

Also, over the weekend in Seoul, Taeyang from BIGBANG had a solo concert and THIS HAPPENED:

I don’t know how Taeyang convinced him to do this, but seeing GD on stage with him and Daesung again all of these years was incredibly emotional and HISTORICAL.

NO ONE IS LIKE G-DRAGON. He will always be my #1.

On Monday, we went to Idlewild Park for the first half of the day but I will write about that separately. Then later that evening, Chooch and I finished The Umbrella Academy and hoo boy, that one hurt. I am so sad that this series is over – I loved every second of it. Even the many seconds that I didn’t understand. Five was my favorite character. I loved him so much.  I associate this with the first season, when Chooch and I do our Jillian Michaels Body Revolution work out and then watch an episode of UA. Pre-pandemic. When Drew was still alive. 2019 – I miss you, boo. You were a damn good year.

Then came Tuesday. I had my first EMDR session with my therapist and it was so hard and exhausting. When Henry saw me after, he said he could tell it was a rough one. I sobbed almost through the entire thing and felt so worn out after, like my brain actually felt like putty. I’m not sure if I’m “doing it correctly” or if there even is a “correct way” but I definitely struggled to let myself go at first. It is just so hard because my target memory is Drew laying on the floor, dying. And I have to keep going there over and over. I hope that this is the right thing for me.

And now today. Work sucked. Then I made a new header for this dumb site:

I literally have nothing to talk about anymore. Maybe someday!

I still have another Storyland photo dump as if anyone was worried about that. But here are some stray photos from my camera roll from after we left and started our drive home. I didn’t live blog because if I remember correctly my blog was down that day, what else is new anymore, so these are just kind of chilling with nowhere to go.

Henry wanted to GET STRAIGHT HOME, NO STOPS, NO DETOURS because we had a realllly long drive ahead of us and weren’t slated to get home until midnight. Well, it ended up being almost 3AM in reality because we did stop a lot and also it stormed at one point when we were in NY, and it was just a really long and aggravating drive – and yes we all took turns driving.

Almost immediately after leaving Storyland, I saw this cute covered bridge gift shop and Henry was like JESUS CHRIST when I made him pull over and then I didn’t even buy anything haha.

Chooch and I were competing with each other to get the best pictures from the car. Honestly though this whole White Mountain area was so beautiful and I am so sad that we didn’t have more time to stop and be leisurely (well, we could have had more time if Henry had taken the next day off which was MY BIRTHDAY but his job is more important than my happiness – UNDERSTOOD).

We stopped here for coffee but I got WEIRD VIBES so we walked out, which Henry hates doing but why would I still buy something if I wasn’t feeling it? Then he’d have just bitched about me wasting money SO I CANT WIN. Do not give me that “poor Henry” bullshit!

We ended up stopping in WOODSTOCK NH which is apparently 10.5 hours away from Pgh lololol.

The coffee was fine but they didn’t have pie??!!

Aside from 87 gas stations, 45 rest stops, and 1 Dunkin’ for a green goddess wrap (chooch and I are obsessed), I really can’t think of anything else worth talking about because I was still depressed and rearin’ to fight at every juncture. I think Henry had finally just opted to not make eye contact with me after a while to preserve the un-bitten state of his head.

This was one incredibly dysfunctional road trip. I don’t necessarily regret it but I currently associate it with manic mood swings and uncontrollable sobbing. One day maybe I will be able to compartmentalize that part and look back “fondly” (lol) on the good moments!

I am still kind of in shock a little that Henry and I were able to snag tickets for Seventeen in October (I mean, not great seats but we at least got them before it sold out / became resell-only seats). It took over a month for me to slowly start listening to kpop again and this group especially was tough since I projected the fandom onto Drew.

But Chooch was right – she would have wanted me to go see them! And I decided that when it’s time to book the memorial tattoo session, I want the Carat bong incorporated into it.

Anyway, Henry and I are sitting here watching Seventeen and NCT videos (we’re so exciting) and I really missed this but it is also still hard. Penelope just did a walk-by and I tried to get her to stick around and care but she was like “bitch I got better things to do” and sashayed away.

Maybe it will be like…immersion therapy. All I know is that I have not made it one day since July 1 without crying at least 3x and it is so exhausting and alarming.

Mr. Gray Guy watching me read a book like a creep.

Ok wow hi hello I am half-buzzed after a gals dinner at Scoglio’s but I wanted to hop on here quickly to give my new webmaster Riley a shout out because he has taken Oh Honestly Erin maintenance from Henry! If you’re viewing this on mobile you might not see a difference but if you’re on a computer and viewing OHE from a browser, you might notice that it finally doesn’t look like trash anymore!!

Henry spent mths trying to rebuild a new theme or something who knows but then finally threw his hands up in the air and yelled YOU DO IT THEN to Chooch who obviously knows CSS and within an hour Chooch had most of the worst parts fixed and now he’s working on my smaller requests which made henry say “Yeah the easy part is over, now comes the hard part – working with HER.”

Anyway, I love the random daisies he put in the background! Now I need to make a new header. He said I should make it a vector whatever that means like ok maybe you do that yourself then??!!

Oh wait one more thing I’m so glad everyone is canceling Blake Lively!! I have been saying all these things about her for years ok fine my only beef was that she was the worst part of Gossip Girl but then she married Ryan Reynolds (what a barf bag) and I knew she was truly bad news then.

Um ok that’s all I’m going to bed early I think. Maybe tomorrow I will regale the internet void with more wisdom.

I have been so pessimistic about life lately, you don’t have to tell me! I have full awareness! But today was like….sort of a good day?? So, I thought maybe it would be wise to document this.

First? I woke up and saw that I lost a pound. OK I’ll take that as a win! Moving on….

Second? So, Chooch was all set to take his driving test but then HENRY THE DOOF couldn’t get the car inspected in time and had to reschedule his appointment for 2 weeks from now (wow, why not just wait until he moves to Philly at that rate?). But then!! Corey said that he would take Chooch so that Chooch could use his car, so Chooch was able to reschedule AGAIN but this time ended up getting an appointment a day sooner than his original one!

At first, Chooch was like, “Well wait, this won’t work though because I need to be with a legal guardian” and Henry and I just stared at him like come on, we know you’re smart….

“Oh! I’m 18, never mind.”

There it is.

Anyway, his appointment was this morning in Belle Vernon. I was on my way home from my pre-work walk when they drove past me, Chooch laying on the horn and Corey hanging his whole torso out the passenger window and waving both arms at me like a fucking mattress factory balloon guy. I was just like, “OMG are they going to make it there??” and also, “UGH I wish I was in the car, too!” It looked like the best kind of chaos.

Then Chooch texted me that he forgot to put his turn signal on when he pulling out AFTER parallel parking and thought for sure he failed but he passed! On his first try! I failed mine the first time because I didn’t stop for a full 3 seconds at a fucking stop sign. Ugh.

I was telling Margie at work that I didn’t get mine until I was almost 19 and she was like, “why” and I said, “Uh, I just wasn’t interested but then I moved out when I was 18 and realized I needed a car to get to work…” and she was like, “Makes sense.”

“OK fine, I was a ‘bad kid’ in high school and my mom wouldn’t let me get my license because ‘I couldn’t be trusted’,” I said, scoffing out loud while I was typing that, as if I wasn’t talking about the same Vintage Erin who wanted to join a girl gang.

I LOVE that Proud Uncle Corey was zealously shooting shots for the DMV section of the Chooch 2024 Yearbook.

Um, apparently they used the height that was listed on Chooch’s permit from a year + ago (he had to get it renewed because it lapsed once) which was 5’6″. He asked to get it changed and the clerk said it was OK if it was only within a 3inch difference and he said, “OK but it’s 4inches” and HOW did he grow 4 inches in that time?! Ugh. Anyway, she told him he would have to get PennDot to change it so now he’s annoyed.

LOLOLOL. Henry was on our LIST today. OK, every day.

The third good thing? My team and I got our presentation over with today. We had two 20 minutes presentations to give to the department for a Core Knowledge series and I am horrific at public speaking even though 90% of these people are my bros, it still is a very shaky thing for me and we knew about this since the day after Memorial Day (oh, best believe it’s seared into my memory) so please know that in addition to Drew dying, this has obliterated my entire summer. I’m not even exaggerating, the amount of stress it has caused me, and the breakdowns I have had, and the “MAYBE I SHOULD QUIT” freakouts that Henry has had to pull me out of….it’s been a doozy of a summer. But guess what, they happened  today. I survived. It wasn’t even as bad as I anticipated. And I never want to do it again, lol.

But yeah, what a weight off my shoulders. One less thing  that was making me feel like a shadow of myself so I’m eager to go back to therapy next week and tell my therapist that I did it just like she said I could! I am a CHILD!

And bonus good thing: I took the day off tomorrow (I scheduled it IMMEDIATELY after we settled on a date for the presentation because I knew I would a mental health day, big fucking cry baby that I am) and I am so happy about it. I think Chooch and I are going to Laurel Caverns! I want to try and do as many fun/dumb things as possible before he leaves next month, especially since this summer in general has been a hot mess express.

It’s been an exhausting week. Here is a diner where Henry and I ate a late lunch outside of Toledo Ohio on our way home from a very dysfunctional, straight outta the Sybil playbook overnight trip to Chicago to see ATEEZ where I had a complete nervous breakdown (??? It was some kind of breakdown that’s for sure) in a parking garage in Evanston, IL because we went to a Swedish cafe called Newport House or something and they didn’t have any cinnamon rolls left and I wanted to run out of there in a huff but I am really trying to not revert to those public tantrums so I ordered an iced date & cardamom latte and the barista was so sweet and said she loved my nail polish and that was great but it stop the world from crashing down on me as soon as we left and I started panicking and crying and I threw my latte into a garbage can and kept saying “I just want to go home I just want go home” and Henry was like “I physically cannot drive another 7 hours back home right now please” and then I started screaming in the car that he is the reason Drew is dead and then I wanted to text Wendy and quit my job and I was just spiraling out so fast that I couldn’t get a hold on myself and it just got worse from there once we got to the hotel and then we really were going to leave for real and when Henry stopped at gas station to get me a protein bar, I started sobbing so hard, doubled over onto my backpack, that I thought I was going to need to go to the hospital.

Anyway this is all to say that the next day was also trash and we drove in silence for the first 4 hours until Henry finally convinced me eat and I was just starting to come back around, the grilled cheese literally breathing life into me, when Nate texted me that one of my favorite people ever – Aaron – is leaving our Firm and that just made me depressed all over again.

Nothing feels familiar anymore.

My blog has been intermittently down since Sunday, sparing you the bipolar liveblogs that for sure would have read like the end result of Norman Bates shower-stabbing a keyboard instead of Jamie Lee Curtis’s mom. It was….not a great trip.

But now it’s Tuesday. Back to work, and the day wasn’t too bad. Had my second therapy session (we made a goal to help me feel less dead inside and more importantly WE TALKED ABOUT CHIODOS AT THE END*). Only cried once so far today. Having major Olympics withdrawals as expected.

*(Sorry, I just need to interrupt this post to add how hilarious it is to me that I cried and whined all through my 20s and 30s about not having any friends who were into Warped Tour things and then flashforward to my 40s and my therapist is showing me a picture of her with Craig Owens at Warped Tour.)

All of that doom and gloom aside, Saturday was actually a really nice day so I thought maybe it would be a nice mental massage to recap that day instead of anything right now.

First, Kara dropped by after running the Brookline Breeze to give me a squirrel sticker she saw at a candy store and it was such a nice gesture and always good to see her!

Then it was just a bunch of Olympics-watching until Chooch whined about wanting to drive somewhere so I suggested going to Monongahela, randomly, and getting coffee. My criteria was:

• small town
• river
• cafe

Henry and Chooch were like, “Whatever you say, Boss” and so that is just what we did.

I pointed out this apartment building to them after we parked, and I am 150% positive that I tell them this every time we drive through this area (probably about once a year, actually!), but when I was living in my first apartment in Jefferson Hills called PAYNE HILL, I used to take my ’95 Eagle Talon on joy rides out in this area because the main road (affectionately referred to as River Road) was one of my faves to drive on because you could fucking FLY with nary a chance of running into a cop. And every time I would drive through this town, I would wish I lived in these … octagon digs?

But then I recently learned that it’s essentially a retirement home, so we were joking about that.

“Look, that could be living in an apartment with an American eagle flag grossly flashing its red neck patriotism on my balcony!” I cried. “Look, that could be me who those old people in the gazebo are calling out to happily!”

“You want to be an old man in a motorized scooter?” Chooch asked in a “really?” tone.

Anyway! This Little City Cafe was nice. I was initially going to get a golden latte but at the last minute, I saw that one of the seasonal flava-flavs was orange cream and I love orange-flavored things.

The baristas were both very nice and chill, except the girl one at a certain point started DRAMATICALLY singing along to that god-awful Benson Boone song that I always say that I hate and then it comes on the radio and Henry rudely leaves it on because he doesn’t care that I hate it, and the was she was theatrically riffing along behind the counter was making me uber uncomfy. We were also jokingly reading questions from a Bible Trivia game simultaneously, so it was just a weird combo, thinking about Biblical lepers while this chick was back there in an apron doing a soulful vibrato and steaming oat milk.

We also played one round of Scattergories which I generally love but my brain just doesn’t allow for more than 15 minutes spent on any one activity these days.

Then we walked around the block for a bit because it was a nice day and I wanted to set my sights on Mon’ landmarks and such.

We sat on bleachers at this riverside park thing for a little bit and watched a BEATLES COVER BAND set up. I pointed out how pretty it was, the green trees and the blue sky and the not-so-grossly colored river, how we drive so far sometimes to see beautiful nature when Western PA has it too and Chooch killed the vibe with a succinct “Not really.”

There was no real reason for this, just thought it was aesthetic. I think this was on the side of a MASONS BUILDING, DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Then later that night, it was church festival time. The last day for Henry and Chooch to buy 50/50 tickets and not win. I was excited because THE WURMS were going to be performing and it’s not like I want their autograph or anything but they played there on the last night two years ago (maybe last year too but we were riding Scandinavian coasters then, not realizing how much life was going to suck a year later) and I enjoyed them because they actually sounded decent and they played some fun covers LIKE SECRET AGENT MAN. 

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Here’s my Instagram update from the night ^^

I sent Chooch back over to request SECRET AGENT MAN and he had to stand there forever until they announced they were taking a break, then he went in for the kill (this was after he gave up and then I accused him of not loving me so he skulked back over to their stage). First, he blanked on the song name and then when he remembered it, whoever he asked said, “Oh man, I don’t know if Johnny knows that one” and Chooch was like, “Well you played it two years ago and my mom loved it” BUT I GUESS THAT DIDN’T DO IT FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING PLAYED IT AND I SAT THERE ALL NIGHT LISTENING TO THEIR ENTIRE SET AND GETTING BIT BY MOSQUITOES FOR NOTHING.

Penelope joined us for off and on though. It was weird to not also have Drew poking around with her. This sucks.

Kristen’s brother Randall gave us some lighthouse recommendations to hit up after leaving his farm on Sunday, and while I would not consider myself a lighthouse thoosie by any means (although my aunt Susie was heavy into the lighthouse-as-interior-design lifestyle in the 90s so maybe I had a dormant maritime beacon gene in me?) but I really felt like we’d be remiss to blow through Maine on our manic road trip without fixing our eyeballs on at least one sea cliff landmark.

It was Chooch’s turn to drive and he did a good job getting us to the Rockland Breakwater Lighthouse, although I will say that we should have stopped to eat lunch first because we needed it. Picking at our leftover Holy Donut breakfast was just not cutting it and my late afternoon hanger + constant grief + inability to enjoy the little things in life x Henry in general = big explosion on the 7/8 mile ankle-snapping breakwater.

But, enough of Eeyore Erin. Eeyorerin. Let’s just look at some pictures because it was a beautiful day and if I was myself, it was a walk that I would have really enjoyed although I’m not saying that the skipped lunch wouldn’t have presented itself as a mood swing back in “normal times”. I think I still would have snapped out to some lesser extent.

By the time we made it to the actual lighthouse, I was just kind of going through the motions. There was a couple sitting on the rocks with their dog and that made me sad. I mean, obviously we weren’t ever going to be taking Drew to a lighthouse for a family picnic or whatever, but I can’t help but feel resentment every time I see people out in public with their beloved furry family members. So,

I didn’t even get a picture of the actual lighthouse portion of this bitch. Here’s what that part looks like:

Walked the whole way back in silence because Henry and Chooch pissed me off when I tried to act like we were a happy family and attempted to take a group selfie but they were both little bitches about it so I screamed LET’S JUST GO HOME THEN and stormed off ahead of them, weeping quietly behind my sunglasses.

Chooch eventually caught up with me and then we walked together in silence. I wish Henry had fallen into the water.

It really was a dangerous walk though. You had to be very cognizant and aware of each step you took because those rocks were treacherous and there were so many large gaps. Chooch tripped at one point and it gave me hardcore Jello legs.

Me and my wrinkled shirt took our own selfie once we made it back to solid ground, thank you.

We kept seeing these plants everywhere and I was really into them.

The next lighthouse was about 20 minutes away and Chooch continued driving so I was glad to have Henry stuffed in the backseat where he belongs for a bit longer.

My blog is still periodically dying so I’m going to post the next two lighthouses separately because god only knows how long this will still alive.

Since my liveblog was half-broken, I couldn’t upload most pictures, things weren’t saving, I kept losing service in the mountains, here is a – hopefully – more cohesive account of how the first leg of Saturday went.

Blue Benn Bathroom Selfie.

I think breakfast at the Blue Benn was pretty much covered, but after that we went to this old ass cemetery specifically to see Robert Frost’s grave even though none of us collectively could name a single one of his poems. But at least we know who he is!!

It was a pretty quaint cemetery. No complaints here.

Then we drove right down the street to the Bennington Museum. If we weren’t on a schedule, I would have liked to pay for admission and look around, but instead I just ran in to check out the gift shop for magnets. I did not end up getting one, but I did buy a little tiny bottle of maple syrup (and as always immediately regretted not splurging for a biggun’) and Chooch and I got some local chocolates and maple candies while Henry sat outside with the weird Lincoln statue.

THEN, Chooch drove us up the street to the Bennington Monument and I am so glad we made time for this because it was COOL. As stated in my liveblog, it is the 6th tallest monument in the US and the largest structure in general in Vermont. It was very impressing (and imposing) in real life.

I truly had so much fun here.

Originally, I just wanted to get some photos and buy a magnet from the gift shop*, but then some guy walked by when we were leering up the monument, shrugged and said to us, “The view was pretty cool,” as though he knew we were deliberating whether to eat up more time in Bennington. I didn’t want to go back in the gift shop again so we sent in Henry, who came out with two free admission stickers because he’s a “veteran.”

“Yeah, but do they know you went AWOL?” I said.

“I DID NOT—-” Henry started defensively, then cut himself off with a sigh. This is his least favorite argument to have with me, probably :)

Anyway, I was sad because I wanted to walk to the top since I’m a sick fuck when it comes to steps, but the steps were blocked off. So we had to wait for the elevator to come back down. It had an operator which was cool because he rattled off some facts to us during our ascent, and told us which states we’d be looking at from each side of the tower, and you better believe I forgot as soon as we stepped out of the elevator. Luckily, it did say it above each window!

This was the direction we came from, and you can see the Robert Frost grave church in the distance. I forget what mountains he said those were.

Each view was so lush and stunning!

Then we spotted down below, standing like a creepy bouncer.

*(RE: THE GIFT SHOP! On Tuesday,  I was putting all of my new magnets on the fridge because this is one of the only small joys I have left in life PLEASE LET ME FUCKING LIVE, when I realized that my Vermont magnet from the Bennington gift shop was actually TWO MAGNETS STUCK TOGETHER. BUT I ONLY GOT CHARGED FOR ONE. A normal person would be like, “Yes, something for free!” but my absolute monster of an empathic self crumbled in guilt. I felt like I stole it even though I didn’t! I kept thinking about the two old AF people working the counter, probably had maple syrup coursing through their veins which is the only explanation for why they were so nice and sweet, and I was just frantic to make it right. So I scoured the internet until I found a contact for the woman in charge of Bennington Monument thangs and I emailed her with an explanation of what happened and asked if I could PayPal or Venmo the money to her, like this $4.95 + whatever VT tax is would be the reason the monument would be boarded up, lack of funding, etc. Anyway, the woman (Marylou!!) responded right away with “My gosh Erin! I really admire and appreciate your honesty” and then basically went on to say in so many words that the monument is not like destitute and they can just write it off. But then she signed it “your mother would be proud.” !!! This happened on my birthday and I lost my mind and proceeded to cry my face off because I am broken and hanging on by a thread, but don’t worry because while I was crying, I forwarded it to Chooch out of smugness – I can still multi-task while having a nervous breakdown.)

Proof that Chooch enjoys life sometimes even when he is with his lame mom.

Such a fun place. I still don’t really know what the monument is for, LOL. A war thing, I guess.

Then we had a really enjoyable drive through more of Vermont while en route to Maine. Although if you ask Chooch, he will tell you it was “so boring” and “took forever” because he is the one who was driving, but I loved it! It was so scenic – we were in the mountains and then there were lots of adorable little towns we cruised through as well.

We stopped at this Hogback Mountain scenic overview joint for some Vermont creamees, which I already mentioned but they were so good, it’s worth posting twice!

But first, Henry to be annoying at the beverage cooler.

I got a baby creamee because I’m a grief baby and still not eating like a full-grown human. But I still wanted a creamee, and make it maple, bitch! The crumbles on top were also maple! This was my lunch.

Chooch looks like he is posing for an ad.

Somewhere after this, we stopped for gas and Chooch immediately got in the backseat, so Henry drove the rest of the way to our next destination: FUNTOWN SPLASHTOWN in Saco, Maine. More on that next time!

Anyway, I genuinely really liked the first half of this day and was actually kind of happy “a lil bitz” which is what I would say to Drew if she were here right now.

Yesterday, I turned 45. I had the day off work. We didn’t get back from our road trip until 3AM that morning and Henry had to work, so I just read a book and watched the Olympics. It was just like any other day. I cried a lot. No cake was served to me. No celebrations. Just a lot of existential crisis’ing, crying, panicking, etc. It was a real fun time.

I am emotionally depleted from the weekend. There were some really fun moments so when I post the recaps, I am not lying or being fake to make it look like my life is so fucking shiny, but the reality is that I was in no state to be traveling, socializing, etc. I pushed myself too hard and thought that getting away would help me and maybe in the past it would have, but everything has been hitting differently this time and my usual fixes aren’t fixing. I cried every day and felt like shit a lot of the time. Haven’t worn my wedding ring since Saturday night.  Now I’m home and strongly, seriously considering quitting my job, packing some clothes, scooping up Penelope and running far away. There is nothing here for me and this past month / year has been a big indication of that. I have never felt more alone than I have lately and it is terrifying. Transparency and honesty are also terrifying.

But hey, how about those US gymnastic teams, huh?

It’s currently 6:23pm and we’re in Massachusetts on our way home (NH – VT – MA – CT – PA, so many states on this trip). We spent the first half of the day at Story Land in Glen, NH which is in the White Mountains and when I say it was a harrowing ordeal getting to our hotel the night before from Portland, Maine…sheesh.

More on that separately!

Anyway I just wanted to post pictures of the adorable place we stayed – Swiss Chalet Inn. The rooms were decent – your standard two double bed motel room. Clean. TV for Olympics-viewing. The bathroom had a heat light on the ceiling which I appreciated!

(We’re passing thru Connecticut now as I type this.)

If you’re into quaint Swiss-ripoff facades, then I would highly recommend this place haha. I wish the rooms were miss Swissed out though. Like at least put a Swiss Roll on the pillows or something, I don’t fucking know.

Chooch, desperate to see the game room. He thought it was through the same door as the breakfast door, but that door was locked because breakfast was ending in a few minutes I guess. He jiggled the knob then started to retreat when someone ON THE INSIDE got up and opened the door for him (REMINDED ME OF OUR WEIRD BOJANGLES EXPERIENCE) so he went in and came right back out with a packaged muffin even though Henry had already brought us breakfast from a nearby cafe earlier.

“I felt obligated to get something since they opened the door for me,” Chooch muttered and dong worry because I’m sure he probably ate that in the car on the 5 minute drive to Story Land.

That’s all. Back to boring road stuff. My hands smell like autobody bathroom soap thanks to the Sunoco we recently stopped at to pee, by the way. Ugh.

It is 7:46am and the start of the first full day of this hectic road trip. We arrived at Little Falls after midnight as our first sleeping point. I was so scared because Henry booked us a RODEWAY room and those places can be mmmmm and it certainly looked mmmmm from the outside and even the hallway was mmmmm. But turns out they’re renovating and the room was very clean & updated, the bed was so comfortable, the TV was huge for Olympics-viewing, and the bathroom had a glorious smart mirror.

Henry is being SUCH A DAD already and Chooch and I are like STFU OMG. First of all, he got in the car and started angrily rifling around my feet “LOOKING FOR [HIS] CABLE” and I was like “THIS IS SO INVASIVE” which made Chooch laugh but Henry had already gotten out the car and was rummaging through the trunk at the point so he missed it and kept barking WHAT? WHAT?

Literally 2 minutes after getting in the car and now we’re at a rest stop so HE CAN PUT AIR IN THE TIRE.

Anyway, last night was such a chaotic drive because we let Chooch drive the last 3ish hours with me in the passenger seat and Henry banished to the back so we were just cackling like hyenas.

Anyway x2 since the last time we drove through this part of NY (whatever part that is) they’ve upgraded their rest areas to some magical thing called APPLEGREENS and I approve greatly.

“Ridin’ Dirty” is on the radio and I told Chooch that was his “dirty diaper” song when he was a baby and now I wish I had included this info somehow at his grad party.

9:16am: Me, not knowing where we are but thinking this is pretty:

I think we are almost to Vermont. Henry can’t find the border on the map haha. Imagine not being able to read a map.

9:29am: OK we’re passing through Hoosick NY and then I think Vermont happens. New state credit for us! #dorkalert And “Come Undone” by Duran Duran just came on so I’m really feeling a type of way.

9:52am: At the Blue Benn Diner! This came up on Bernie Sanders’ YouTube channel lol so I was like “This is where we will eat” and then put my blinders on for everything else.

Henry actually is with us but he’s not doing anything notable.

Chooch wanted to play the Chipmunks’ version of Achy Breaky Heart but didn’t have a quarter and then I was like “whoa they have Volare that’s one of my favorite songs!” And he said “no that’s dumb” and then a group of college kids came in speaking Italian (we think??) and sat behind us and they played it!!!

I got curry tofu scramble and it was so good and didn’t make me feel sick!

This place was sooo tiny – we were lucky to get there right as they were cleaning off the only empty booth. Our server was so nice too!

We got two homemade donuts too – Henry and I split one and Chooch had his own. They were awesome!

10:50am Well my fucking blog broke again so I’m writing this in Notes. Nothing in my life is right these days. Anyway, ate at the Blue Benn Diner in Bennington and then saw Robert Frost’s grave at a nearby cemetery.

11:08am: Leaving the gift shop at the Bennington Museum – super nice guy working in there! Got some local chocolate and maple syrup. Saw a weird Lincoln statue with nude children.

11:29am: at the Bennington Monument which is the tallest structure in Vermont and the 6th tallest MONUMENT in the US.

This post would have so many photos but only one out of every 10 pictures will upload because WordPress is a fucking piece of shit.

Henry got FREE ADMISSION since he is a “veteran” but didn’t even go with us. His loss because the elevator guy was the best part – we had a delightful chat with him about Pgh and his recent train ride to San Fran which was 68 hours.

12:21pm: Chooch has been driving us thru the mountains of Vermont while Henry slept in the back. He woke up long enough to scream ICE CREAM when we drive past an ice cream place though.

1:00pm: Just left Hogback Mountain scenic overview. There was a store there and we got our first authentic creamee! I got a baby maple with maple crunch and it lived up to the hype.

1:09pm: Chooch is still driving but he makes Henry put gas in the car lol.

1:22pm: Now we’re in NH and Henry and Chooch are fighting over directions and chooch started laughing so hard he gave himself hiccups and then Henry incorrectly told him to stay in the right lane going around a round about and he was WRONG because the right lane was a turning lane and Chooch basically had to cut off the car in the left lane to stay in the round about and Henry was like “it’s ok” ONLY BC IT WAS HIS OWN FAULY IT HAPPENED. PERFECT HENRY. But then Henry yelled WELL IM TRYING TO DO THIS FROM THE BACKSEAT AND YOU HAVE THE WORST NAVIGATOR NEXT TO YOU and Chooch goes OH I KNOW SHE WONT EVEN PLUG HER PHONE IN TO BRING UP THE MAP and hey no, how did I get dragged into this??

3:31pm: Made it to Maine!! The state line happened while we were on a bridge which was cool/weird. Nothing much else to report. Chooch is still driving and Henry has been asleep the whole time so I joked that it’s like Weekend At Henrie’s instead of Bernie’s because he looks dead but Chooch didn’t laugh.

3:36pm: OK weird a few minutes ago some Eminem song was on where he samples Abracadabra and Chooch was like OK COOL and then I changed stations a few minutes later and ABRACADABRA WAS ON.

7:22pm: Just leaving Funtown now and wow, it was something. There was a covered Scrambler that was hands-down the most bizarre versions of one of those I have ever experienced. Separate post will be happening for this portion of the day lol.

Henry was being SO ANNOYING on the way here though good lord. He wasn’t giving Chooch directions at all and then was yelling when Chooch went the wrong way and we were like THEN GIVE US DIRECTIONS! Ugh. Also I ate French fries and it was the first time in over a month that something so greasy hit my stomach so I am not a happy girl right now and also Henry is AGAIN trying to change the itinerary and I am ready to just cry because I tried to get him to sit down and plan this with me and he was being such a fucker “we don’t need a plan” bitch boy about it and now I’m stressed and not having fun because he has to be in control and when he is in control all promises of fun are flushed.

7:47pm: now we’re at Old Orchard Beach was supposed to be a tomorrow thing but whatever. Henry pissed off two middle aged people on thick-wheeled bicycles and then he yelled FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU TOO! out the window all over a stressful parking situation.

10:29pm: we’re at our airbnb in somewhere, Maine. It’s fine but I am not. We left Old Orchard Beach around 10 after arguing over food and then I was like, you know, this was supposed to make me feel better but I don’t feel better. I feel the same. And then I quiet-cried in the car the whole way here and now I’m going to bed. I’m posting this and I know it’s going to be fucked up just like everything else haha yay. Bye. 

P.S. our airbnb is a converted attic of a house and it has certain vibes for sure. Glad this is a one-night deal because the bathroom and kitchen are the same room.

After work today, we’re leaving for another one of our patented, poorly-planned, chaotic road trips which will entail an obscene amount of miles, little sleep in sketchy hotels, roller coasters in quaint New England parks, and a long-overdue reunion with my amazing friend Kristen! It is nice to have something to be excited about amidst everything all crumbling around me LOLOLOL hahahahaha ugh. Just kidding, guys – I’m OK and actively working on getting a fucking grip. Hopefully the new and improved version of my bitch self will be making her debut sometime…this fall? However long it will take therapy to make a dent in my morose cocoon.

On top of my issues, I have been so fucking annoyed with this blog and all the CHANGES that Henry has had to make to keep it from getting hacked, etc. I hate hate hate how it looks now, so badly. In fact, my last post somehow was published with white font, and you might not know this, but white font does not show up on a white background.

I fixed it but the font is different than the other posts even though it says it’s the same! I FEEL LIKE I AM IN CYBER HELL. And every other time I try to publish something, I’m taken to an error page. So if anyone out there reading this knows how to fix this and has the patience to work with me, let me know, because I think Henry resigned after my last fit.

I don’t know what else to say anymore. Chooch has been driving us all around so that’s been fun. I haven’t played tennis in a few weeks, and I need to do that. I still am not eating properly. I have some old Wimbledon match from 2013 playing on the TV behind me and it is comforting. I still can’t really listen to music.

Someone in my work group chat asked me if I’m excited or scared to be an empty nester – um excuse me? T R I G G E R E D. I am fucking sad, that’s what I am. Fucking sad. It’s actually some amalgamation of a bunch of emotions on the sad-scale and I have never felt this way before but this morning I caught a glimpse of Chooch sleeping when I walked by his room and I burst into tears. JUST A REMINDER THAT HE IS ONLY MOVING 5 HOURS AWAY I WILL SURVIVE. I swear to god though, before my life completely changed on July 1, the only real emotion I had been experiencing with regard to that was pride. I am so freaking proud of him! But now I’m just doggy-paddling through a sea of sadness.

You know it’s bad when I willingly bought him these dumb Minions Crocs last night when we went to the Outlets! He was like, “Yay! Thank you!” and I was so mad that I spent money on CROCS but it was also nice to see him happy, ugh.

Neighbor update: They did in fact move out, in one fell swoop. No words were exchanged. I’m not sure if the landlord knows, if they were still working with the immigration agency, etc. All I know is that I feel like a weight has been lifted but I’m also pissed that they managed to upheave my life in such a weird, invasive, stressful way during the time they were here. To their credit, it wasn’t the kids. It was her, and she did back off after a while, but back in May I had to delete WhatsApp from my phone because she was sending me super aggressive messages, like, “I gave you my last name, I called you family, why won’t you come to me” and it’s like, “Lady, I have a life too.” I’m over here just trying to do my best for my own fucking family and I couldn’t be at her beck and call because things aren’t happening fast enough (she wanted us to teach her daughter how to drive and then help her get her license – these weren’t small things she was asking us, like, “when is garbage pick-up?” you know?). I stopped going over “for tea” because it turned into hours of me sitting uncomfortably while she spoke into a translator about all the things that needed done and…I too have things that need to get done.

It’s just disheartening. I wanted so badly to help and to be friends but it was clear that while she kept calling us family, we weren’t FRIENDS. She knew nothing about me, didn’t care to know anything. Anytime I would try to have conversations so we could get to know each other, she would take the phone off me (we always used my phone for translating and that was annoying too because she would just grab it off me) and start going on and on about why I haven’t found her a job yet, etc. Excuse me, maybe the translation was coming out wrong, but last time I checked, neighbors aren’t responsible for getting new neighbors jobs.

It was just a whole lot of that. I do feel taken advantage of to an extent, not in the sense that I feel like she didn’t really need help, but she was so wasteful. She was constantly having new things brought to her by the church, new community friends, who knows, and she would throw the old things out. Like perfectly good used furniture that had been donated to her when she moved in, chucked out into the trash. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, I don’t know, but it made my skin crawl.

Also, over the last several months, she got herself a boyfriend (I think???) and he was some smarmy jerk who stood on her porch to smoke, and it would blow straight into my window. AND their side of the duplex has been remodeled and has central air so she would crank the A/C and leave the door and all of the windows open?! Henry was going to say something at one point and then adopted the “eh, fuck it” attitude that I too have lately.

Ugh I am so negative and Eeyore-y lately that I am getting on my own nerves. I’m going to attempt to post this and see how shitty it looks or if it even posts at all. I’ll update from the road this weekend if my blog lets me. Bye.

Twice this week, the infamous 2009 McDonald’s Playland story was referenced and since Chooch is denying that it happened, I’m resharing it here because I’m still in the “living in the past because everyone around me is dying and/or leaving me” cycle and I can’t function long enough to do anything else than reminisce, cry, and accidentally call out for Drew only to get sucked back into that “she was here and then she wasn’t, she was here and then she….wasn’t” loop. Also, I thought I was so fucking funny back then and never re-visit these old posts so apologies in advance if this is really annoying. I had no self-awareness back then.

To break up the monotony of being essentially housebound all week, Janna and I took Chooch to McDonald’s last Friday night. I love Playland because, unlike Chuck E Cheese, I can actually sit and relax and have adult conversations while Chooch acts a fool up in the tubes.

Chooch has a routine at McDonald’s: he’ll crawl the course of the tubes, come down the slide, push a bitch or two, then run back to where I’m sitting in order to plug a nugget in his loud mouth like a rag in a Molotov cocktail. Janna sat there and talked while I eye-flirted with the single dad sitting across from me, which made Janna roll her eyes.

A few minutes into Chooch’s reign of terror, a young boy stamped over to me and shouted, “Your kid keeps calling me a baby and I am FIVE YEARS OLD.” Chooch stood there and grinned proudly and I was like, “Oh. OK.” Then to Chooch, I mumbled with little to no conviction, “Quit calling him a baby.” Dealing with kids is not my forte. Later, that kid stole Chooch’s Spiderman, and after his grandma forced him to return it and apologize, Chooch laughed and slapped the thief’s arm which aroused chuckles in the other parents sitting nearby. The kid tried to tattle, but his grandma laughed at him, so one point scored for Team Chooch.

My pretend boyfriend and I, after making friendly eye contact and laughing at Chooch’s antics together, graduated into innocent small talk. I made sure I tweeted about it so Henry would know that I had an opportunity to upgrade.

A few minutes passed and I said to Janna, “I haven’t seen Chooch in awhile, have you?” and she realized that she hadn’t either. I knew I definitely hadn’t seen him come down the slide, so I assumed he was still up there in the tubes, but it made me nervous to see that all the other kids seemed to be running in a pack that didn’t include him. I didn’t even hear his obnoxious taunts and devilish laughs.

So I approached my pretend boyfriend’s son and I ask him if he’s seen my kid. He climbed up into the bowels of Playland, returned almost immediately and says, in a horror-stricken tone, “He’s up there and he doesn’t have no clothes on!”

My first thought was, “FUCK, Henry’s not here so now I have to actually be a fucking parent, are you goddamn kidding me.” As I began climbing up (and fuck you, McDonald’s! I kept my fucking shoes on), the little boy loudly added, “I saw your baby’s penis!” As my heart banged away in my ears, I vaguely recall hearing a small uproar of parental murmurings as they overheard this, and at that point, it might as well have been me who was naked.

I got to the top of the tower and turned around to see my son, completely fucking nude, lounging in a yellow tunnel. A group of children surrounded him on two sides, taking in impromptu Anatomy 101 with wide eyes and mouths agape. Chooch, he was just grinning away.

I’d have preferred a smaller audience for the night my son chose to announce his new lifestyle.

“Get your ass over here,” I hissed in a low whisper, and when he scrambled close enough I grabbed his arm–not so hard as to appear abusive!– and yanked him the rest of the way. Scanning the area, my heart sank as I discovered his clothes weren’t anywhere near him. A girl who appeared to be around seven or eight fetched them for me. Then she goes, “Oh, and here’s his diaper. Ew.” However, I was relieved to see there was no poop in it.

Or smeared across the tubes in Satanic shapes.

I gathered all his clothes and perched him on a ledge, angrily stuffing his head through his sweater. It was hot as hell in there and stank of dirty feet, prepubescent B.O. and stale fries, but I refused to drag him back down in his present full-frontal state. Some of the kids expressed their annoyance at my presence, and dramatically asked me to please move. I snapped on one kid and growled, “You have plenty of room to get past me, are you kidding?” Fucking children.

My favorite part, I think, was when I could hear one of the McDonald’s employees talking about the super exciting action with some of the adults. “And the mother’s up there now?” she asked. “Oh, that is just so cute! How funny!” YES, HOW FUCKING CUTE. AND FUNNY, INDEED.

As I stuffed clothing back on his nude body, I asked Chooch why he took his clothes off, anyway.

“I wanted my socks off,” he replied nonchalantly, like it was as sensible as a salad with low-fat dressing for dinner.

Once he was decent, I made him go back down with me. Janna and my pretend boyfriend were standing there smiling, and I just lost it, totally fucking cracked up. Janna and I talked about it for a few minutes when I realized again that Chooch’s absence was lingering a little bit too long for my liking. Pretend boyfriend sent his son back in, and he came back to report, “Well, he took his shirt off. But then he put it back on.”

To his father, I laughed, “This is a new thing, apparently.” And then I defeatedly mumbled a sardonic, “Awesome.”

Right then, Chooch came shooting out of the slide with his sweater completely inside out, and you better believe I grabbed his little exhibitionist ass. I plopped him down at our table and began stuffing his little asshole feet into his shoes while he took a swig of his drink.

“I can’t like lemonade,” he announced with disgust, setting the cup back on the table.

“Oh, so now that you’re a nudist, you don’t like lemonade?” Then I tried to explain to him the virtues of  the “no shirt, no service” rule.

On our way out, some kid sitting with his parents pointed to Chooch and shouted, “That’s the kid right there! The one who took his clothes off!”

Today started with a pickle cupcake from Potomac Station because Pittsburgh has been transformed to Picklesburgh, as is what happens every July for the last, I dunno, 9 years? Chooch and I went to the inaugural Picklesburgh and that was enough for me. Back then, it was 100% located on a bridge. That was a NOPE for me, fam. Now, it’s spread out into other areas of downtown but it’s a nope for me.

But I’ll still indulge in some offsite novelty pickle action (as long as it doesn’t involve usurping tennis courts and hitting a wiffle ball with a paddle). If I had to actually go into the bowels of Picklesburgh for this cupcake, well…I wouldn’t have.

You know what? This wasn’t bad. It’s not a flavor I’d indulge in regularly, and I only had 1/4 of this, but to be honest I have been craving more of it since then. It just kind of works. The cake part had actual pickles in it and the frosting most def was spiked with pickle juice.

Later, I said to Henry, we gotta get outta here, man. Chooch is at a grad party, Penelope is hibernating on the back porch, my squirrels are off scavenging in other ‘hoods I guess, and I am fucking lonely, bored, frustrated, miserable, etc. But look, I’m not dumb, I know that this sad sack era is annoying. Trust me, I’m annoying myself. You think I don’t want to experience happiness again?? I do. But also, baby steps.

Anyway, I didn’t want to go to a cemetery (we did this last weekend and I cried to the point of near-hysteria) and I didn’t want to do NATURE because I didn’t feel like changing out of my Vans. So, I suggested going to Washington, which for you NON-LOCALS is a small city about 40 minutes from Pittsburgh. Henry won’t say to me right now, so we silently got in the car and stopped at CRAZY HORSE COFFEE on the outskirts of Washington first for some bev.

I got a DELECTABLE local favorite called a butterfly latte which was made with blue matcha, vanilla, lavender, and I opted for soy milk.

And since I have been subsisting on mostly desserts since Drew died, Henry and I got a vegan chocolate zucchini bread to share and that too was DELECTABLE.

The one thing that was questionable to me was the cafe’s use of a b&w American flag throughout their cafe and on the other side of the cup cozies. I told Henry that it made me uncomfortable and he didn’t say anything because he knows that whatever he says will be the wrong thing. I literally just told him that I think we will end up getting divorced over all of this and he was like “o m g.” But honestly, I just feel nothing and am not sure how things will ever get better especially once Chooch leaves for college, but hey, just me being OH HONESTLY, ERIN I guess.

But yeah, that latte was a beaut!

And then we parked in downtown Washington and walked around for a bit just for exercise. It was weird though because PSYCHO MIKE lived here briefly the summer after high school, 1997, above a Pgh Paints shop in a really shitty, sketchy, dirty apartment shared with two other guys, one of which he knew from the teen asylum place he lived in for a few mths after smashing a picture frame over his dad’s head (while I was on the phone with him) and generally being loudly suicidal.

Washington things.

Then we went here because pretzels are Henry’s prozac.

Some older gentleman came in and started loudly narrating his quest for a specific kind of BBQ that they NORMALLY have but DID NOT HAVE at this time (he made the employees look) and then he started telling me about how IT MAKES FOR THE BEST BBQ HAM HE HAS EVER HAD AND LOOK HE IS NOT NORMALLY A BIG HAM PERSON, BUT THIS BBQ SAUCE IS SO FREAKING GOOD and on and on and even after I told him that I don’t eat meat he still gave me detailed instructions on how to make it and I was like, “OK but even if I ate meat, I don’t cook, so…”

Anyway, this bro was such a fucking a hype man for the sauce that I ended up pulling one of the jars off the shelf (it wasn’t the one he was looking for, but it was the same brand) and said, “OK you sold me on this” and then to Henry, I whispered, “You can just put this on tofu, can’t you?” and Henry was like, “I can put anything on tofu, I am a Tofu Master Chef.”

Then we got Amish pretzels. I got mine unsalted but it still had a buttery glaze on it just like the one I got at Sheetz last week when Chooch and I had our MOMMY-CHOOCH DAY and just like that pretzel, this one made me immediately sick as I was eating it.

Ignore my gnarly nail polish. I can’t really muster the fucks needed right now to make my nails presentable to the public.

And then I had to walk down the MILITARY HALL (literally a hallway pockmarked with photos of old ass local vets I guess, I didn’t really stop and browse) to get to the bathroom where I took this grotesque selfie – my face doesn’t hold a smile these days so this is the best I can do.

Now I’m home. I just came back from my 4th walk of the day. I have some old Wimbledon match on YouTube because again – so many things are triggering now but tennis matches in the background seem to be somewhat soothing at the moment.