Henry and I went to Many More (my first time here since they moved to their new location!) because I decided that he needs to start making me Korean dishes for dinner like the old days. I’m really struggling to feel any sense of familiarity here in light of all the big and small changes that have dropped on me this past year. Look, I am actively trying to get better and resume living my life here ok? Let me type this shit out.

So, on Monday I had my first homemade bibimbap in…years, actually. It made me so happy.

I think I also need to find some new routines too. I told Henry that I cannot live like this anymore, logging off work and just…sitting on the couch half-watching YouTube or going for like 4 walks a day because I have so much nervous energy.

So we are going to maybe find some new hobbies, be more social, I don’t know what this will look like yet. Maybe have more get togethers and go out more in general?! What do other empty nesters do? Take up ballroom dancing or something, right?

I did start exercising again so that is a start!

Baby steps I guess. I dunno that I ever had a “groove” that I need to get back, but it’s something like that lol.

This past year has given me whiplash.

Anyway, here’s a cute picture of Penelope using a Drexel shirt as a pillow <3

We finished the Drew “Nightmare” Bambi Walden memorial portrait over the weekend. Henry did most of the heavy lifting because staring at her picture in Photoshop was breaking my heart all over again.

I think it turned out immaculately, she is so forever special to us and having this on the wall, right across from Marcy, is helping me heal a little.

It’s so hard to get a picture without a million neon and LED lights glaring off it!

(Also don’t mind all the junk on the shelves. I need to start reorganizing back there now that Chooch is away and not dumping all his games behind the hand chair!)

The background is wallpaper from my aunt Sharon’s bedroom at my Pappap’s house. <3

Marcy <3

Also, I have my tribute tattoo scheduled for October 5th with my fave artist Erin so that will also help heal my heart too I hope.

Going through MEMORIES which is never a good idea for me when I’m cocooned in feels, but I found some posts re: Chooch’s first time* in Philly and so here is a throwback on this non-Thursday. Again, it makes me laugh (not really in a haha way, but more like a WTF chortle) because we have still not done any of the obligatory tourist things!

Anyway, I think was from 2015. Unforch, the ice cream place we went to is no longer there :(

*(Yo, I really need to actually get the correct facts before posting this shit. First I said this was 2014. It was 2015, now fixed. Then I said it was Chooch’s first visit to Philly. It was his second. The first was in 2014 so I was half-correct.

See also: WHO CARES.)

*******
Saturday morning, Henry, Chooch and I woke up early and drove to Philly to hang out with our friends Terri and Christian, but more importantly, so Terri and I could go to the Armor For Sleep show later that night. I still can’t believe I convinced Henry to do this, right on the heels of Riot Fest. I think he’s just worn down at this point in our relationship.

(I probably would have just gone by myself if it came down to it, but I really like traveling with both of my fam-bots. We’re kind of like a really annoying package, like a box of kazoos.)

The day started off annoyingly with two back-to-back botched coffee orders at Sheetz (I mean, my standards for gas station coffee are low to begin with, but the teenage girl working that morning took the liberty of burying them for me). About an hour later, we stopped at a rest area on the turnpike so I could get better coffee (Starbucks — not much of an improvement) and Henry made this huge production of “finally” getting something for himself to eat, since Chooch and I ordered breakfast sandwiches at Sheetz and he chose not to (NOT OUR FAULT—he is our keeper, we are not his). He stormed off to buy himself some Auntie Anne’s pretzel bites, which is his favorite turnpike treat because his blue-collar taste buds crave the snack of coal miners and junkyard proprietors.

(I wrote my senior thesis on the dietary habits of coal miners and junkyard proprietors, so don’t even try to question me on this one.)

While Henry was in line for his roadside brunch, Chooch and I pretended to be interested in a cabinet full of Pennsylvania Turnpike curios. (It really did make me long for the days of Howard Johnsons, though.) Suddenly, Henry breezed past us, popping a piping hot pretzel bite into his idiot mouth, and tossed us a smug glance over his shoulder.

“LOOK AT THAT CONFIDENT STRIDE!” I screamed to Chooch, who immediately set off to imitate him. We were laughing so hard by the time we reached our car that Henry was threatening to lock us out. Oh god, the fodder that Henry unwittingly provides.

The rest of the drive was relatively uneventful. I just made Henry mad with my schizophrenic fan-girling and Chooch played stupid games on Henry’s phone. Nothing really happened because we were just trying to get to Philly as quickly as possible so that we would have time to spend with our friends before we became burnt out on each others’ company.

****

We got to Christian and Terri’s place around 2:00 and after hanging out and eating their candy for a bit, Christian drove us into the city, where Henry was having quiet fits in the backseat because Philly’s jaywalking epidemic is much worse than Pittsburgh’s and if there’s one thing he hates, it’s a fucking jaywalker.

One of the jaywalkers was missing an arm, so we were nice to that one. BUT STILL. Way to be entitled.

We had a late lunch at Su Xing House, an entirely vegetarian Chinese restaurant. Sometimes, it’s the little things like this that remind me there is a god up there somewhere after all. But then Chooch acted like a spoiled brat because HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTED AND HE DIDN’T  KNOW WHAT ANYTHING WAS PLEASE SEND HELP so I was like, “Yep, and there’s a Satan, too.” Henry and I were giving him suggestions so that turned into STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO and this had all of the potential to turn really ugly, but then he ended up ordering a tofu appetizer and also a bowl of unpeeled, steamed edamame; that kept him busy. Especially when he was trying to cut the tofu and Henry was like HELP HIM and I was like I CAN’T DO IT EITHER HELP. Terri said watching Chooch devise new food-cutting tactics was entertaining but I was too busy bracing myself for disaster to be entertained.

It’s moments like these when I’m reminded that Chooch is definitely still a kid.

For Christ’s sake, this restaurant is delightful. As a vegetarian, I’m not used to walking into a restaurant and struggling to order because there is too much to choose from. So much tofu and seitan, I couldn’t decide! Henry got the General Tso’s seitan (predictable) and Terri got some amazing sesame thing. I’m not sure what Christian got but it looked fantastic too. I ended up getting Under the Sea, which was a faux, crispy fish in a sweet and sour sauce. It was DELICIOUS, but the presentation was extremely creepy because it was in the shape of a whole fish and it looked so realistic. I struggled with that for a second. Not going to post the picture here because it might trigger some sensitive gag reflexes out there.

I also got a taro tapioca and was not sad about that at all. Taro is so goddamn underrated!

Henry should make a taro pie for the pie party…

We honestly spent the whole time talking about music and I took a second to silently thank Jason Pettigrew for bringing us together in 2011. I remember parting ways with them that night after the AP show at the House of Blues in Cleveland and saying to Henry, “I really, really hope that we see them again.” And there we were, almost four years later, sitting together and eating excellent vegetarian food at Su Xing House.

I mean, ahem. It was a cool time. And I’m totally not getting all misty as I write this because that would be so unlike me. Black heart. Thick skin.

****

After we ate, it was finally time for Big Gay Ice Cream. I have been so excited about this ever since I found out Philly was getting a location! Who can resist flamboyant ice cream?! It wasn’t open yet when we were there last December, but I knew we would back soon enough to experience its gay goodness. Terri said that she actually had  been waiting for us to visit again before trying it — she is so sweet!

Christian went back to the car because he was going to try to park closer to Big Gay Ice Cream while the rest of us walked there. It wasn’t a terribly long walk and the weather was seriously perfect that afternoon. I was really happy to be walking because we were in a part of the city that I hadn’t been to yet and I love looking at things, like all of the riff raff and stores that are so much better than what we have in Pittsburgh. Downtown Pittsburgh is not very bustling. And it’s definitely not where people go just to shop. But if you’re looking for a CVS or check cashing place, you’re in luck.

“Yeah, this is the theater district,” Terri explained as we skirted around a pack of ridiculously-dressed rich older persons. One of the women, who looked like a younger Stacey from What Not To Wear, was blabbing about something and she sounded so vapid, it was almost a parody. All I could think was, “God, you sound so idiotic, yet you’re still better than me in so many ways.” The world is super unfair, guys. I just found out.

Henry walked ahead of us the whole time because he knows everything. LOOK AT THAT CONFIDENT STRIDE! Chooch and I kept mocking him, which is what we do best. It’s our specialty. Like, if we had to do a talent show, we’d probably just do that. Terri was laughing after the 6th “confident stride” mention, but then quickly stifled it and said, “I shouldn’t laugh, I’m just encouraging you guys!”

THAT IS WHAT FEEDS US, TERRI. DON’T STOP.

Did you know the Pope is coming to Philly!? I actually didn’t until Friday night when Terri texted me to see where we were staying. I told her that Henry was having a hard time finding anything close to them without spending over $200, presumably because there was a football game scheduled, and she replied, “Good thing the Pope isn’t visiting this weekend!”

I just said “Inorite?” or “haha” or something, because I thought she was just being facetious, equating a home football game to a visit from the Pope.

Nope, the Pope is really visiting Philly.

I wish I had known, because I would have worn my Pope Francis shirt!

(Except mine is green, yo.)

I’d actually really like to see the Pope. I saw Pope John Paul II when I was younger and it was amaze, but Francis is the best damn Pope of all time. I don’t give a fuck what your Gram says.

AND THEN BIG GAY ICE CREAM HAPPENED! Oh, it was overwhelming. The choices! The toppings! The paletas (whatever the fuck that means)! I was originally going to get the Bea Arthur because I felt like that was the obvious choice for a Big Gay Virgin, but at the last second, I freaked out and ordered the Mermaid, which is a sundae with KEY LIME CURD and pie crust crumbs. I had ordering remorse right away, but then I tried it and felt really satisfied with my decision.

The Golden Girls décor made me unbelievably happy. REMEMBER WHEN SOPHIA STOLE THE POPE’S RING!?

CHOKING!

Ultimate bae.

All those fabulous, flamboyant flavor combinations and Henry goes for his good ol’ standby: the twist. Plain, nondescript, and dependable. JUST LIKE HENRY.

I was ragging on him about this again today and Chooch shrugged and said, “He can’t help it. That’s just who he is.”

The Mermaid was like a giant key lime nipple, It was delicious. And honestly, underneath all the disco dance floor ceiling lights and fig & blood orange balsamic syrup, that plain vanilla soft serve was really fucking great. It was dense and rich and the perfect base for all of those gay fixins.

Terri got a Monday Sundae and when I saw that her cone was being lined with Nutella, I was like, “Stahhhhp!” Ugh, why didn’t I order that!? I need to go back there right this second and try everything. And then buy a magnet, since they were out of stock. :(

I love how annoyed Henry and Chooch look in this picture. “Oh wow. What a shocker. Mommy is taking pictures of us eating ice cream. Again. Like the Internet doesn’t already know what we look like when holding ice cream cones in our angry-fists by now.” At least Terri was happy!

Seriously, this picture makes me laugh so hard.

ME N’ MY GIRL.

 
Later on, Terri and I went to the Trocadero for the show, while the guys hung out and I’m sure Chooch drove them nuts. (More on the show in another post!)

 ****

Where we stay really doesn’t matter too much to us since we’re barely there when we road trip like this, but I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised at the Motel 6 we stayed at. I always thought those places were dumps, but this one had been recently renovated and was pretty mod. AND CLEAN. The place we stayed outside of Chicago was reallllly questionable. But, all I cared about was being close to Riot Fest, and that shitty Econo Lodge did the trick.

There was a lot of orange in this joint, but I got over it.

I miss Terri, Christian, and Philly already. I know Pittsburgh and Philly are supposed to be enemies or whatever, but I just love that damn city. Next time, I’d like to visit when there isn’t a show to attend so that we’ll have more time to do stuff and drive Henry and Christian nuts!

Hello from Philly :( Last night, we had a little pizza send-off with my mom and Corey, Judy, and Chooch’s two friends – Isai and Zakk.

It was a really nice and casual night even though the underlying tone was SADNESS.

Corey got roped into playing two different games and had no idea what he was doing for both but ended up winning twice.

We left the house this morning around 8 and it was pretty anti-climatic. He said his goodbyes to Penelope but I know if he had to say goodbye to Drew this morning, there would have been big tears.

I was going to live blog but Henry put me in a bad mood and then I slept most of the time anyway.

So, I don’t know what else to say. We are recharging in the hotel room right now and I guess will be going back into the city here at some point and then tomorrow morning is actual move-in.

Bye.

Why are short work weeks always so chaotic and borderline abusive? I had a really shitty day today and gulped a double shot of apple soju as soon as I logged off. Maybe a minute before I logged off. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE.

Labor Day Weekend went by in a blur. We didn’t do anything on Saturday except for that bakery that I already mentioned, but Sunday morning was nice because we met up with Bill, Jessi, and their friend Loretta before they left town after the RHPS con ended. I’m glad we had the chance to meet up with them if even just for a quick meal because they are seriously some of my favorite people and this was our first time meeting Loretta who naturally was also awesome. Chooch and I both immediately agreed on the way home that she had Chris Hyde vibes so it’s a big NO DUH that we liked her.

Anyway, we met at Waffles Inc downtown and their lying POS website said that there was NO WAIT and therefore NO NEED to add our party to the virtual waitlist. YEAH, MY ASS! We had to wait for over 30 minutes which is fine because at least we got to stand outside and chat but it was also annoying because we were tryna’ show our Michigan friends some good old Yinzer hospitality which maybe actually entails forcing your visitors to stand on a sidewalk in the middle of a dying city.

I want to remember that Henry’s and my breakfasts were messed up and Henry was RULL RUDE to the server about it for absolutely no reason, but I was nicer. I got some weird-ass omelet filled with honey mascarpone and topped with grilled peaches and spicy mayo!?!? I mean, I had. I had to know. It was actually pretty palatable but SMALL AF. Honestly, it might have been the smallest omelet I have ever received in a restaurant and Chooch, also recipient of a lilliputian egg splat, said the same.

The omelet itself was kind of dry too? And my blueberry toast was dry and the server never brought any butter so I’m not sure WTF was going on but I don’t think I will be returning there.

Then our checks were messed up and Henry was like a fucking Bearded Karen over it, it was SO EMBARRASSING. Actually, he was embarrassing in so many ways – the rude, gruff way he spoke to the server and then also shooting us back to yesteryear by gendering the table when observing that “the girls were on one side and the boys were on the other.” Jesus, Henry.

You know I called him out over his shitty attitude and he was like, “WHAT. SHE FUCKED UP.” and I was like, “LOOK I WAS A WAITRESS FOR ONE NIGHT SO I AM QUALIFIED TO WEIGH IN ON THIS – IT IS A HARD JOB AND SHE IS DOING HER BEST, IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN HER LIFE.” The point is, yes, she made some mistakes BUT SHE WAS STILL FRIENDLY AND PROFESSIONAL. If she was doing a bad job AND had a shitty attitude? Then, sure, go lodge a complaint, go hogwild on Yelp, GO ASK TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER. But this woman was not deserving of even the slightest sneer in your tone, Henry, so step off.

I apparently was more affected by this than I realized.

They’ve been posing together since Chooch was 2! I’m so happy that our long-distance friendship continues to thrive after all these years.

Sunday morning selfie with my Judy Mary coffee cup <3 I am starting to open my heart back up to things, such as Korea. (Not Henry yet, though. Obviously.)

Peenlop <3

Also, over the weekend in Seoul, Taeyang from BIGBANG had a solo concert and THIS HAPPENED:

I don’t know how Taeyang convinced him to do this, but seeing GD on stage with him and Daesung again all of these years was incredibly emotional and HISTORICAL.

NO ONE IS LIKE G-DRAGON. He will always be my #1.

On Monday, we went to Idlewild Park for the first half of the day but I will write about that separately. Then later that evening, Chooch and I finished The Umbrella Academy and hoo boy, that one hurt. I am so sad that this series is over – I loved every second of it. Even the many seconds that I didn’t understand. Five was my favorite character. I loved him so much.  I associate this with the first season, when Chooch and I do our Jillian Michaels Body Revolution work out and then watch an episode of UA. Pre-pandemic. When Drew was still alive. 2019 – I miss you, boo. You were a damn good year.

Then came Tuesday. I had my first EMDR session with my therapist and it was so hard and exhausting. When Henry saw me after, he said he could tell it was a rough one. I sobbed almost through the entire thing and felt so worn out after, like my brain actually felt like putty. I’m not sure if I’m “doing it correctly” or if there even is a “correct way” but I definitely struggled to let myself go at first. It is just so hard because my target memory is Drew laying on the floor, dying. And I have to keep going there over and over. I hope that this is the right thing for me.

And now today. Work sucked. Then I made a new header for this dumb site:

I literally have nothing to talk about anymore. Maybe someday!

I still have another Storyland photo dump as if anyone was worried about that. But here are some stray photos from my camera roll from after we left and started our drive home. I didn’t live blog because if I remember correctly my blog was down that day, what else is new anymore, so these are just kind of chilling with nowhere to go.

Henry wanted to GET STRAIGHT HOME, NO STOPS, NO DETOURS because we had a realllly long drive ahead of us and weren’t slated to get home until midnight. Well, it ended up being almost 3AM in reality because we did stop a lot and also it stormed at one point when we were in NY, and it was just a really long and aggravating drive – and yes we all took turns driving.

Almost immediately after leaving Storyland, I saw this cute covered bridge gift shop and Henry was like JESUS CHRIST when I made him pull over and then I didn’t even buy anything haha.

Chooch and I were competing with each other to get the best pictures from the car. Honestly though this whole White Mountain area was so beautiful and I am so sad that we didn’t have more time to stop and be leisurely (well, we could have had more time if Henry had taken the next day off which was MY BIRTHDAY but his job is more important than my happiness – UNDERSTOOD).

We stopped here for coffee but I got WEIRD VIBES so we walked out, which Henry hates doing but why would I still buy something if I wasn’t feeling it? Then he’d have just bitched about me wasting money SO I CANT WIN. Do not give me that “poor Henry” bullshit!

We ended up stopping in WOODSTOCK NH which is apparently 10.5 hours away from Pgh lololol.

The coffee was fine but they didn’t have pie??!!

Aside from 87 gas stations, 45 rest stops, and 1 Dunkin’ for a green goddess wrap (chooch and I are obsessed), I really can’t think of anything else worth talking about because I was still depressed and rearin’ to fight at every juncture. I think Henry had finally just opted to not make eye contact with me after a while to preserve the un-bitten state of his head.

This was one incredibly dysfunctional road trip. I don’t necessarily regret it but I currently associate it with manic mood swings and uncontrollable sobbing. One day maybe I will be able to compartmentalize that part and look back “fondly” (lol) on the good moments!

I am still kind of in shock a little that Henry and I were able to snag tickets for Seventeen in October (I mean, not great seats but we at least got them before it sold out / became resell-only seats). It took over a month for me to slowly start listening to kpop again and this group especially was tough since I projected the fandom onto Drew.

But Chooch was right – she would have wanted me to go see them! And I decided that when it’s time to book the memorial tattoo session, I want the Carat bong incorporated into it.

Anyway, Henry and I are sitting here watching Seventeen and NCT videos (we’re so exciting) and I really missed this but it is also still hard. Penelope just did a walk-by and I tried to get her to stick around and care but she was like “bitch I got better things to do” and sashayed away.

Maybe it will be like…immersion therapy. All I know is that I have not made it one day since July 1 without crying at least 3x and it is so exhausting and alarming.

Mr. Gray Guy watching me read a book like a creep.

Ok wow hi hello I am half-buzzed after a gals dinner at Scoglio’s but I wanted to hop on here quickly to give my new webmaster Riley a shout out because he has taken Oh Honestly Erin maintenance from Henry! If you’re viewing this on mobile you might not see a difference but if you’re on a computer and viewing OHE from a browser, you might notice that it finally doesn’t look like trash anymore!!

Henry spent mths trying to rebuild a new theme or something who knows but then finally threw his hands up in the air and yelled YOU DO IT THEN to Chooch who obviously knows CSS and within an hour Chooch had most of the worst parts fixed and now he’s working on my smaller requests which made henry say “Yeah the easy part is over, now comes the hard part – working with HER.”

Anyway, I love the random daisies he put in the background! Now I need to make a new header. He said I should make it a vector whatever that means like ok maybe you do that yourself then??!!

Oh wait one more thing I’m so glad everyone is canceling Blake Lively!! I have been saying all these things about her for years ok fine my only beef was that she was the worst part of Gossip Girl but then she married Ryan Reynolds (what a barf bag) and I knew she was truly bad news then.

Um ok that’s all I’m going to bed early I think. Maybe tomorrow I will regale the internet void with more wisdom.

I have been so pessimistic about life lately, you don’t have to tell me! I have full awareness! But today was like….sort of a good day?? So, I thought maybe it would be wise to document this.

First? I woke up and saw that I lost a pound. OK I’ll take that as a win! Moving on….

Second? So, Chooch was all set to take his driving test but then HENRY THE DOOF couldn’t get the car inspected in time and had to reschedule his appointment for 2 weeks from now (wow, why not just wait until he moves to Philly at that rate?). But then!! Corey said that he would take Chooch so that Chooch could use his car, so Chooch was able to reschedule AGAIN but this time ended up getting an appointment a day sooner than his original one!

At first, Chooch was like, “Well wait, this won’t work though because I need to be with a legal guardian” and Henry and I just stared at him like come on, we know you’re smart….

“Oh! I’m 18, never mind.”

There it is.

Anyway, his appointment was this morning in Belle Vernon. I was on my way home from my pre-work walk when they drove past me, Chooch laying on the horn and Corey hanging his whole torso out the passenger window and waving both arms at me like a fucking mattress factory balloon guy. I was just like, “OMG are they going to make it there??” and also, “UGH I wish I was in the car, too!” It looked like the best kind of chaos.

Then Chooch texted me that he forgot to put his turn signal on when he pulling out AFTER parallel parking and thought for sure he failed but he passed! On his first try! I failed mine the first time because I didn’t stop for a full 3 seconds at a fucking stop sign. Ugh.

I was telling Margie at work that I didn’t get mine until I was almost 19 and she was like, “why” and I said, “Uh, I just wasn’t interested but then I moved out when I was 18 and realized I needed a car to get to work…” and she was like, “Makes sense.”

“OK fine, I was a ‘bad kid’ in high school and my mom wouldn’t let me get my license because ‘I couldn’t be trusted’,” I said, scoffing out loud while I was typing that, as if I wasn’t talking about the same Vintage Erin who wanted to join a girl gang.

I LOVE that Proud Uncle Corey was zealously shooting shots for the DMV section of the Chooch 2024 Yearbook.

Um, apparently they used the height that was listed on Chooch’s permit from a year + ago (he had to get it renewed because it lapsed once) which was 5’6″. He asked to get it changed and the clerk said it was OK if it was only within a 3inch difference and he said, “OK but it’s 4inches” and HOW did he grow 4 inches in that time?! Ugh. Anyway, she told him he would have to get PennDot to change it so now he’s annoyed.

LOLOLOL. Henry was on our LIST today. OK, every day.

The third good thing? My team and I got our presentation over with today. We had two 20 minutes presentations to give to the department for a Core Knowledge series and I am horrific at public speaking even though 90% of these people are my bros, it still is a very shaky thing for me and we knew about this since the day after Memorial Day (oh, best believe it’s seared into my memory) so please know that in addition to Drew dying, this has obliterated my entire summer. I’m not even exaggerating, the amount of stress it has caused me, and the breakdowns I have had, and the “MAYBE I SHOULD QUIT” freakouts that Henry has had to pull me out of….it’s been a doozy of a summer. But guess what, they happened  today. I survived. It wasn’t even as bad as I anticipated. And I never want to do it again, lol.

But yeah, what a weight off my shoulders. One less thing  that was making me feel like a shadow of myself so I’m eager to go back to therapy next week and tell my therapist that I did it just like she said I could! I am a CHILD!

And bonus good thing: I took the day off tomorrow (I scheduled it IMMEDIATELY after we settled on a date for the presentation because I knew I would a mental health day, big fucking cry baby that I am) and I am so happy about it. I think Chooch and I are going to Laurel Caverns! I want to try and do as many fun/dumb things as possible before he leaves next month, especially since this summer in general has been a hot mess express.

It’s been an exhausting week. Here is a diner where Henry and I ate a late lunch outside of Toledo Ohio on our way home from a very dysfunctional, straight outta the Sybil playbook overnight trip to Chicago to see ATEEZ where I had a complete nervous breakdown (??? It was some kind of breakdown that’s for sure) in a parking garage in Evanston, IL because we went to a Swedish cafe called Newport House or something and they didn’t have any cinnamon rolls left and I wanted to run out of there in a huff but I am really trying to not revert to those public tantrums so I ordered an iced date & cardamom latte and the barista was so sweet and said she loved my nail polish and that was great but it stop the world from crashing down on me as soon as we left and I started panicking and crying and I threw my latte into a garbage can and kept saying “I just want to go home I just want go home” and Henry was like “I physically cannot drive another 7 hours back home right now please” and then I started screaming in the car that he is the reason Drew is dead and then I wanted to text Wendy and quit my job and I was just spiraling out so fast that I couldn’t get a hold on myself and it just got worse from there once we got to the hotel and then we really were going to leave for real and when Henry stopped at gas station to get me a protein bar, I started sobbing so hard, doubled over onto my backpack, that I thought I was going to need to go to the hospital.

Anyway this is all to say that the next day was also trash and we drove in silence for the first 4 hours until Henry finally convinced me eat and I was just starting to come back around, the grilled cheese literally breathing life into me, when Nate texted me that one of my favorite people ever – Aaron – is leaving our Firm and that just made me depressed all over again.

Nothing feels familiar anymore.

My blog has been intermittently down since Sunday, sparing you the bipolar liveblogs that for sure would have read like the end result of Norman Bates shower-stabbing a keyboard instead of Jamie Lee Curtis’s mom. It was….not a great trip.

But now it’s Tuesday. Back to work, and the day wasn’t too bad. Had my second therapy session (we made a goal to help me feel less dead inside and more importantly WE TALKED ABOUT CHIODOS AT THE END*). Only cried once so far today. Having major Olympics withdrawals as expected.

*(Sorry, I just need to interrupt this post to add how hilarious it is to me that I cried and whined all through my 20s and 30s about not having any friends who were into Warped Tour things and then flashforward to my 40s and my therapist is showing me a picture of her with Craig Owens at Warped Tour.)

All of that doom and gloom aside, Saturday was actually a really nice day so I thought maybe it would be a nice mental massage to recap that day instead of anything right now.

First, Kara dropped by after running the Brookline Breeze to give me a squirrel sticker she saw at a candy store and it was such a nice gesture and always good to see her!

Then it was just a bunch of Olympics-watching until Chooch whined about wanting to drive somewhere so I suggested going to Monongahela, randomly, and getting coffee. My criteria was:

• small town
• river
• cafe

Henry and Chooch were like, “Whatever you say, Boss” and so that is just what we did.

I pointed out this apartment building to them after we parked, and I am 150% positive that I tell them this every time we drive through this area (probably about once a year, actually!), but when I was living in my first apartment in Jefferson Hills called PAYNE HILL, I used to take my ’95 Eagle Talon on joy rides out in this area because the main road (affectionately referred to as River Road) was one of my faves to drive on because you could fucking FLY with nary a chance of running into a cop. And every time I would drive through this town, I would wish I lived in these … octagon digs?

But then I recently learned that it’s essentially a retirement home, so we were joking about that.

“Look, that could be living in an apartment with an American eagle flag grossly flashing its red neck patriotism on my balcony!” I cried. “Look, that could be me who those old people in the gazebo are calling out to happily!”

“You want to be an old man in a motorized scooter?” Chooch asked in a “really?” tone.

Anyway! This Little City Cafe was nice. I was initially going to get a golden latte but at the last minute, I saw that one of the seasonal flava-flavs was orange cream and I love orange-flavored things.

The baristas were both very nice and chill, except the girl one at a certain point started DRAMATICALLY singing along to that god-awful Benson Boone song that I always say that I hate and then it comes on the radio and Henry rudely leaves it on because he doesn’t care that I hate it, and the was she was theatrically riffing along behind the counter was making me uber uncomfy. We were also jokingly reading questions from a Bible Trivia game simultaneously, so it was just a weird combo, thinking about Biblical lepers while this chick was back there in an apron doing a soulful vibrato and steaming oat milk.

We also played one round of Scattergories which I generally love but my brain just doesn’t allow for more than 15 minutes spent on any one activity these days.

Then we walked around the block for a bit because it was a nice day and I wanted to set my sights on Mon’ landmarks and such.

We sat on bleachers at this riverside park thing for a little bit and watched a BEATLES COVER BAND set up. I pointed out how pretty it was, the green trees and the blue sky and the not-so-grossly colored river, how we drive so far sometimes to see beautiful nature when Western PA has it too and Chooch killed the vibe with a succinct “Not really.”

There was no real reason for this, just thought it was aesthetic. I think this was on the side of a MASONS BUILDING, DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Then later that night, it was church festival time. The last day for Henry and Chooch to buy 50/50 tickets and not win. I was excited because THE WURMS were going to be performing and it’s not like I want their autograph or anything but they played there on the last night two years ago (maybe last year too but we were riding Scandinavian coasters then, not realizing how much life was going to suck a year later) and I enjoyed them because they actually sounded decent and they played some fun covers LIKE SECRET AGENT MAN. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

Here’s my Instagram update from the night ^^

I sent Chooch back over to request SECRET AGENT MAN and he had to stand there forever until they announced they were taking a break, then he went in for the kill (this was after he gave up and then I accused him of not loving me so he skulked back over to their stage). First, he blanked on the song name and then when he remembered it, whoever he asked said, “Oh man, I don’t know if Johnny knows that one” and Chooch was like, “Well you played it two years ago and my mom loved it” BUT I GUESS THAT DIDN’T DO IT FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING PLAYED IT AND I SAT THERE ALL NIGHT LISTENING TO THEIR ENTIRE SET AND GETTING BIT BY MOSQUITOES FOR NOTHING.

Penelope joined us for off and on though. It was weird to not also have Drew poking around with her. This sucks.

Kristen’s brother Randall gave us some lighthouse recommendations to hit up after leaving his farm on Sunday, and while I would not consider myself a lighthouse thoosie by any means (although my aunt Susie was heavy into the lighthouse-as-interior-design lifestyle in the 90s so maybe I had a dormant maritime beacon gene in me?) but I really felt like we’d be remiss to blow through Maine on our manic road trip without fixing our eyeballs on at least one sea cliff landmark.

It was Chooch’s turn to drive and he did a good job getting us to the Rockland Breakwater Lighthouse, although I will say that we should have stopped to eat lunch first because we needed it. Picking at our leftover Holy Donut breakfast was just not cutting it and my late afternoon hanger + constant grief + inability to enjoy the little things in life x Henry in general = big explosion on the 7/8 mile ankle-snapping breakwater.

But, enough of Eeyore Erin. Eeyorerin. Let’s just look at some pictures because it was a beautiful day and if I was myself, it was a walk that I would have really enjoyed although I’m not saying that the skipped lunch wouldn’t have presented itself as a mood swing back in “normal times”. I think I still would have snapped out to some lesser extent.

By the time we made it to the actual lighthouse, I was just kind of going through the motions. There was a couple sitting on the rocks with their dog and that made me sad. I mean, obviously we weren’t ever going to be taking Drew to a lighthouse for a family picnic or whatever, but I can’t help but feel resentment every time I see people out in public with their beloved furry family members. So,

I didn’t even get a picture of the actual lighthouse portion of this bitch. Here’s what that part looks like:

Walked the whole way back in silence because Henry and Chooch pissed me off when I tried to act like we were a happy family and attempted to take a group selfie but they were both little bitches about it so I screamed LET’S JUST GO HOME THEN and stormed off ahead of them, weeping quietly behind my sunglasses.

Chooch eventually caught up with me and then we walked together in silence. I wish Henry had fallen into the water.

It really was a dangerous walk though. You had to be very cognizant and aware of each step you took because those rocks were treacherous and there were so many large gaps. Chooch tripped at one point and it gave me hardcore Jello legs.

Me and my wrinkled shirt took our own selfie once we made it back to solid ground, thank you.

We kept seeing these plants everywhere and I was really into them.

The next lighthouse was about 20 minutes away and Chooch continued driving so I was glad to have Henry stuffed in the backseat where he belongs for a bit longer.

My blog is still periodically dying so I’m going to post the next two lighthouses separately because god only knows how long this will still alive.

Since my liveblog was half-broken, I couldn’t upload most pictures, things weren’t saving, I kept losing service in the mountains, here is a – hopefully – more cohesive account of how the first leg of Saturday went.

Blue Benn Bathroom Selfie.

I think breakfast at the Blue Benn was pretty much covered, but after that we went to this old ass cemetery specifically to see Robert Frost’s grave even though none of us collectively could name a single one of his poems. But at least we know who he is!!

It was a pretty quaint cemetery. No complaints here.

Then we drove right down the street to the Bennington Museum. If we weren’t on a schedule, I would have liked to pay for admission and look around, but instead I just ran in to check out the gift shop for magnets. I did not end up getting one, but I did buy a little tiny bottle of maple syrup (and as always immediately regretted not splurging for a biggun’) and Chooch and I got some local chocolates and maple candies while Henry sat outside with the weird Lincoln statue.

THEN, Chooch drove us up the street to the Bennington Monument and I am so glad we made time for this because it was COOL. As stated in my liveblog, it is the 6th tallest monument in the US and the largest structure in general in Vermont. It was very impressing (and imposing) in real life.

I truly had so much fun here.

Originally, I just wanted to get some photos and buy a magnet from the gift shop*, but then some guy walked by when we were leering up the monument, shrugged and said to us, “The view was pretty cool,” as though he knew we were deliberating whether to eat up more time in Bennington. I didn’t want to go back in the gift shop again so we sent in Henry, who came out with two free admission stickers because he’s a “veteran.”

“Yeah, but do they know you went AWOL?” I said.

“I DID NOT—-” Henry started defensively, then cut himself off with a sigh. This is his least favorite argument to have with me, probably :)

Anyway, I was sad because I wanted to walk to the top since I’m a sick fuck when it comes to steps, but the steps were blocked off. So we had to wait for the elevator to come back down. It had an operator which was cool because he rattled off some facts to us during our ascent, and told us which states we’d be looking at from each side of the tower, and you better believe I forgot as soon as we stepped out of the elevator. Luckily, it did say it above each window!

This was the direction we came from, and you can see the Robert Frost grave church in the distance. I forget what mountains he said those were.

Each view was so lush and stunning!

Then we spotted down below, standing like a creepy bouncer.

*(RE: THE GIFT SHOP! On Tuesday,  I was putting all of my new magnets on the fridge because this is one of the only small joys I have left in life PLEASE LET ME FUCKING LIVE, when I realized that my Vermont magnet from the Bennington gift shop was actually TWO MAGNETS STUCK TOGETHER. BUT I ONLY GOT CHARGED FOR ONE. A normal person would be like, “Yes, something for free!” but my absolute monster of an empathic self crumbled in guilt. I felt like I stole it even though I didn’t! I kept thinking about the two old AF people working the counter, probably had maple syrup coursing through their veins which is the only explanation for why they were so nice and sweet, and I was just frantic to make it right. So I scoured the internet until I found a contact for the woman in charge of Bennington Monument thangs and I emailed her with an explanation of what happened and asked if I could PayPal or Venmo the money to her, like this $4.95 + whatever VT tax is would be the reason the monument would be boarded up, lack of funding, etc. Anyway, the woman (Marylou!!) responded right away with “My gosh Erin! I really admire and appreciate your honesty” and then basically went on to say in so many words that the monument is not like destitute and they can just write it off. But then she signed it “your mother would be proud.” !!! This happened on my birthday and I lost my mind and proceeded to cry my face off because I am broken and hanging on by a thread, but don’t worry because while I was crying, I forwarded it to Chooch out of smugness – I can still multi-task while having a nervous breakdown.)

Proof that Chooch enjoys life sometimes even when he is with his lame mom.

Such a fun place. I still don’t really know what the monument is for, LOL. A war thing, I guess.

Then we had a really enjoyable drive through more of Vermont while en route to Maine. Although if you ask Chooch, he will tell you it was “so boring” and “took forever” because he is the one who was driving, but I loved it! It was so scenic – we were in the mountains and then there were lots of adorable little towns we cruised through as well.

We stopped at this Hogback Mountain scenic overview joint for some Vermont creamees, which I already mentioned but they were so good, it’s worth posting twice!

But first, Henry to be annoying at the beverage cooler.

I got a baby creamee because I’m a grief baby and still not eating like a full-grown human. But I still wanted a creamee, and make it maple, bitch! The crumbles on top were also maple! This was my lunch.

Chooch looks like he is posing for an ad.

Somewhere after this, we stopped for gas and Chooch immediately got in the backseat, so Henry drove the rest of the way to our next destination: FUNTOWN SPLASHTOWN in Saco, Maine. More on that next time!

Anyway, I genuinely really liked the first half of this day and was actually kind of happy “a lil bitz” which is what I would say to Drew if she were here right now.

Yesterday, I turned 45. I had the day off work. We didn’t get back from our road trip until 3AM that morning and Henry had to work, so I just read a book and watched the Olympics. It was just like any other day. I cried a lot. No cake was served to me. No celebrations. Just a lot of existential crisis’ing, crying, panicking, etc. It was a real fun time.

I am emotionally depleted from the weekend. There were some really fun moments so when I post the recaps, I am not lying or being fake to make it look like my life is so fucking shiny, but the reality is that I was in no state to be traveling, socializing, etc. I pushed myself too hard and thought that getting away would help me and maybe in the past it would have, but everything has been hitting differently this time and my usual fixes aren’t fixing. I cried every day and felt like shit a lot of the time. Haven’t worn my wedding ring since Saturday night.  Now I’m home and strongly, seriously considering quitting my job, packing some clothes, scooping up Penelope and running far away. There is nothing here for me and this past month / year has been a big indication of that. I have never felt more alone than I have lately and it is terrifying. Transparency and honesty are also terrifying.

But hey, how about those US gymnastic teams, huh?

It’s currently 6:23pm and we’re in Massachusetts on our way home (NH – VT – MA – CT – PA, so many states on this trip). We spent the first half of the day at Story Land in Glen, NH which is in the White Mountains and when I say it was a harrowing ordeal getting to our hotel the night before from Portland, Maine…sheesh.

More on that separately!

Anyway I just wanted to post pictures of the adorable place we stayed – Swiss Chalet Inn. The rooms were decent – your standard two double bed motel room. Clean. TV for Olympics-viewing. The bathroom had a heat light on the ceiling which I appreciated!

(We’re passing thru Connecticut now as I type this.)

If you’re into quaint Swiss-ripoff facades, then I would highly recommend this place haha. I wish the rooms were miss Swissed out though. Like at least put a Swiss Roll on the pillows or something, I don’t fucking know.

Chooch, desperate to see the game room. He thought it was through the same door as the breakfast door, but that door was locked because breakfast was ending in a few minutes I guess. He jiggled the knob then started to retreat when someone ON THE INSIDE got up and opened the door for him (REMINDED ME OF OUR WEIRD BOJANGLES EXPERIENCE) so he went in and came right back out with a packaged muffin even though Henry had already brought us breakfast from a nearby cafe earlier.

“I felt obligated to get something since they opened the door for me,” Chooch muttered and dong worry because I’m sure he probably ate that in the car on the 5 minute drive to Story Land.

That’s all. Back to boring road stuff. My hands smell like autobody bathroom soap thanks to the Sunoco we recently stopped at to pee, by the way. Ugh.