When I woke up from my spinny ride coma, we were in Ohio and it was sunny. Henry said he found a place to eat that received good reviews on Yelp, but when he pulled into the parking lot (directly across from a truck stop), I think he was reconsidering the source.

I’m sorry, but I’m not going  to turn down the chance to eat at a restaurant that features old people praying over their food on the sign. And thank god we chose to eat there because it was fucking weird in that wood-paneled townie-hangout sense. The tables were covered with thick vinyl tablecloths in shades of the 1970s (browns, browns, oranges, and browns) so I knew this place was either going to have really fantastic home-cooked meals, or serve us congealed slop like that fucking cafeteria in Moundsville, WV.

Our waitress was this Midwestern Joan Cusackian prototype, something straight out of a 1980s indie movie who was eager to recommend her menu favorites and I wanted to give her all of my monies as a tip. She even had the official waitress stance: hand on one hip, other hip cocked, head slightly tilted.

This was probably when they were having a conversation about how badly I stress them out. Look how tired Henry looks, ahahahah.

Not praying over his food.

Chooch’s Bowl of Meat. I guess his dreams of becoming a vegetarian are long-forgotten. He basically orders sauce-less spaghetti just so he can get the meatball, and then Henry let him have some of his ribs. I sat there and daintily ate my veggie burger, not judging.

Meanwhile, some man at the table next to us laughed. Chooch immediately shouted, “OH GOD DID YOU HEAR THAT MAN’S LAUGH?!” and then exaggeratedly mimicked his guffaw. This man was sitting so close to us that I could have reached out and touched him, so if he was aware of this blatant mockery, he chose to ignore it like a pretty, pretty Christian.

“What? I learned this from you, Mommy!” Chooch cried at the exact same time Henry was wearily mumbling, “He learned this from you.”

OK then. Next lesson: “subtlety.”

Look at the décor in the place! It was all Jesus and sheep, everywhere. I wasn’t sure if I was expected to actually pray over my veggie burger. I don’t even remember how to say that grace thing, to be honest. Yikes.

After soaking up my Waldameer’s stomach acid with homemade chocolate peanut butter pie (which I said I was going to share with Henry and then basically left him one modest forkful because I guess I had more room in my gigantic stomach than I wanted to admit), we embarked for Windsor, Ohio: home of the (supposed) world’s largest statue of Mary.

Henry was pissed off when the GPS began labeling roads as “Road.”

“This better not be like that fucking cuckoo clock,” he threatened, referring to the time in 2010 when I made him go waaaay off route on our way home from Michigan so I could see “the world’s largest cuckoo clock” in some scary Ohio village and it ended up being abandoned in pieces in an empty lot. I’m obsessed with Swiss/Bavarian/German shit so it was worth it to be anyway, but Henry was pretty annoyed.

The detour was about 30 minutes off the highway, along horror movie roads and run-down farms, but we finally made it to some establishment called “Servants of Mary,” which made Henry start bitching about how I led him straight into the arms of a cult, but I think it was actually a convent.

Funny thing about Henry: most people assume I’m the huge sacrilegious whore of Satan, but he’s actually adamantly against all religion and hates partaking in my obsession with all things holy, which I enjoy for the aesthetic appeal only (at times even being brought to tears by religious art—there, I said it). Henry won’t even watch exorcism movies, or any other horror movie involving the church. I tried to get him to talk about it last night but all he would say was, “I JUST DON’T LIKE THOSE KINDS OF MOVIES, OK” so I have obviously taken this to mean that he was possessed and exorcised when he was a child in the 70s, holy fucking shit, Chooch might actually for real be borne of demon seed.

When I posted this photo on Facebook, my friend Octavia pointed out that it looked like Mary was being hoisted up by a horned Elvis surround by teeth. Accurate!

It was dusk by the time we arrived and no one was around. The statue is so far away from the road that we couldn’t even see it at first and Henry started to get all barrel-chested and was about .0005 seconds away from screaming, “WHY CAN’T YOU EVER CHECK  TO MAKE SURE THESE PLACES ACTUALLY EXIST?!!?” But then I walked a little bit closer and saw her sitting there, way out past the nondescript brick church and gift shop. (So sad that the gift shop was closed. Imagine the bounty I could have brought home!)

Chooch and I started running toward Mary, which made Henry all ruffled because apparently this shit is on someone’s farm and he didn’t want us getting out of line. Like we would ever embarrass him!

“This is super creepy,” Chooch whispered as we got closer. And it really was. It reminded me of the dancing acolytes at the Palace of Gold in West Virginia. I get that these things are supposed to be beautiful and celebrated, but my god, why do they have to look like they come alive at night?!

All kinds of devotional bullshit was strewn at Mary’s feet. Henry was getting antsy because Chooch and I wanted to look at every single thing and the sun was setting faster and faster and OMG HENRY WAS GETTING SO SCARED OF THE DARK.

Arm hair sufficiently raised now, thanks.

I have to say, I’m glad it was so late when we arrived, because it really added to the ambiance. I bet during the day, droves of old people come out to sit on benches and rifle through their fanny packs for tissue into which to soak up their old people post nasal drip. But at dusk, it was FUCKING SCARY! I had goosebumps the whole time. And not the TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL kind, either. But the “Holy fucking shit I’m approaching the Neverending Story Riddle Gate, fuckkkk I’m going to die tonight” kind of goosebumps.

These illuminated bulbs are meant to be a rosary encircling a small lake.

Teacher: Chooch, what did you do over the summer?

Chooch: I saw a scary Mary giant and tried to steal coins out of Jesus’s hand. Duh.

I mean, it is pretty impressive! And Chooch and I both agreed that it was totally worth the detour. “But I’ll probably have nightmares,” Chooch added, and Henry just frowned.

We passed an open barn on the way back to the car and freaked out when we heard rustling from within. I was waiting for the crazed owner of the land to come out in full Wolf Creek mode and feed us to Mary, but it turned out to just be rabbits in cages. Which will probably be fed to Mary.

I always bring spare TOMS.

So, my new thing has been to do whatever the fuck I want in the days preceding my birthday (excluding murder, unfortunately) and Henry knows better than to stand in my way. He didn’t even act too put-upon when I, with arms haughtily akimbo, announced where I wanted to go for my birthday weekend. I wanted to spend my birthday weekend at Waldameer Park, getting down on some dark rides and hopefully not getting sick this time. Erie’s only about a two hour drive, so we didn’t have to get up at 4AM or anything, which is good because I still had a slight food coma from the previous night’s dinner with Wendy and Evonne at Savoy. (Butternut Squash in chocolate raviolis with lobster, fuck yes.) It was nice to be all leisurely and listen to Hands Like Houses on repeat (and also the Dance Gavin Dance and letlive. Spotify channels, FTW) while still making time to yell at Henry for no reason.

I even let him book a super crappy hotel in Nowhere, Ohio so that we could focus more on the f-u-n and less on the hemorrhaging of money. Because we’re still not rich. (Any day now, Chooch!)

Part of my new-ish outlook on life is not throwing a huge fit and screaming, “MY LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!!!” when it starts raining as soon as we pull into Waldameer’s parking lot. The old Erin would have thrown a fucking fit and proceeded to ruin everyone’s day probably while causing several scenes. Trust me, I’m not proud of the way I acted in my 20s. Whoever told me that 30s are better was right.

It’s a good thing I brought those spare TOMS.

Temperature-wise, it was only about 70 degrees on Saturday, and that’s better than 100, I reasoned. So what if my hair is going to get wet? At least my face won’t look like a glazed ham. And because of the weather, the park wasn’t crowded with assholes! I think the longest we stood in line for anything was about 20 minutes, and that’s because it was the Whacky Shack, so people were just using it for shelter.

Henry opted to not get a ride-all-day wristband because it’s the biggest waste of money on him since he DOESN’T RIDE ANYTHING that won’t give him a blow-job afterward. This meant that Chooch and I were BFFs all day and had all kinds of inside jokes. Henry overheard us laughing hysterically once and so he did that weak I-Want-To-Be-A-Part-Of-This laugh that he’s probably been doing since junior high because no one wants him on their team, and tried to get us to tell him what we were laughing at.

“You wouldn’t understand,” I sighed while Chooch rolled his eyes at Henry. “It’s an inside joke.”

“You two aren’t on the inside of anything,” Henry mumbled and stalked off.

I wonder what it’s like to be Henry, in public with Chooch and me. I’d like to think it must be EXCITING and a REAL HONOR. But somehow I think the reality of it is akin to visiting the hyena exhibit at the zoo.

We had about to kill before the rides opened so we took shelter beneath the awning of some small building. Of course an entire extended family had to sidle up next to us. They were mildly annoying, but it wasn’t until one of them shouted, “THAT WAS A GREAT GRANOLA BAR YOU MADE!!!” to this one Earth Mama, who responded, “GEE THANKS THE RECIPE IS ON MY BLOG” that I shot Henry the “remove me from this situation NOW” glare. I then proceeded to mock, “OH THANKS FOR THE GRANOLA BAR” in a Fargo voice every time we saw the bitch after that.

Oh, I just can’t stand it.

These Tea Cups aren’t as much fun as the ones in Canobie Lake.

OMG this is the saddest Henry face of all time.

We made him order us food and then abandoned him for the gift shop. When we returned, he was standing there alone, looking around for us, dejectedly holding a tray of pizza, and we started cracking up. Henry, in fact, was NOT laughing along with us.

I got pissed at 4 kids inside the Pirate’s Cove (a dark walk-thru attraction) for acting like fucking animals. You know what I said to them? ‘YOU ARE ACTING LIKE FUCKING ANIMALS.” One of them tried to be cute by swinging himself under a railing in one of the rooms and wound up tripping Chooch, who was walking along the serpentine-queued rows like a civilized amusement park-goer. Another fucker cut in front of me and then freaked out when he realized he was separated from his hooligan sister and I screamed, “THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CUT IN FRONT OF ME, DUMMY.”

FUCK.

I almost said, “WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?!!?” at one point until I realized that their parents were probably just as bad and in my mind, I caught a glimpse of an ensuing fistfight.

I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up! A hall monitor for an amusement park.

Major giggle fits on the Tilt-A-Whirl! Such a classic ride.

This is what Henry did all day: stood around looking suspiciously creepy. Imagine how much creepier he looked when he was trying to HIDE BEHIND A TREE while Chooch and I were in line for god knows what. I get that he was trying to be cute, but to all the parents of the swarms of kids out there that day, that maneuver translated to: CREEPY.

THERE WERE AMISH PEOPLE THERE! AN ENTIRE HORDE (AND NOT ‘HOARD’ LIKE I PREVIOUSLY TYPED)!!! Actually, I’m not sure if they’re Amish or Mennonites, but it was fucking wonderful. An entire brood from baby to grandma. I realized some of the dudes would be pretty fucking hot if they lost the Johan-hair.

Just Shrutin’ along, pretending our ice cream is flavored with beets.

OMG I actually felt kind of bad after taking this picture, like I stole some of their innocence (and soul). What the hell is happening to me!?

Henry was all excited because one of them (not pictured, unfortunately) was a ginger and he’s never seen a ginger Amish (Mennonite? I really need to read a book about this. Or ask Siri. But she’ll probably just give me a list of places to get an omelette, because she’s hearing impaired) in all of his years. And there are a lot of years there.

OK I finally gave up and Googled. 99% sure they’re Mennonite. Chooch and I were in line with some of the menfolk for the Whacky Shack and I got to hear them speaking in their weird German farmer tongue!

One of the highlights of the day for me was standing in line and watching some teenager pretend like he was going to puke on the Wipeout. Some lady even ran up to the ride operator and screamed, “THAT BOY LOOKS LIKE HE IS GOING TO PUKE! STOP THE RIDE!” She was really concerned and I kind of wished she would be my mother. Meanwhile, Chooch and I were standing in line with this kid’s friends who were trying to take pictures of him every time the ride would spin him back in our direction; his tongue wagging like a dog and he was leaning over the edge of the ride. I started to think he maybe wasn’t pretending anymore, which made it even funnier, until I realized there was a chance I could feel some of that vomit spray against my face. When the ride stopped, he got out of the car and fell to the ground, prompting us to laugh harder.

He was still sitting on a bench near the ride by the time Chooch and I departed the Wipeout, and that’s when I realized that he actually was sick. His face had that balmy glaze of motion sickness that I know so well now that I’m an old person.

The Whacky Shack is a really great reason to visit Waldameer, but the best ride in the whole park is the motherfucking Ravine Flyer—a totally bitchin’ wooden coaster. Waldameer is this little, family park in goddamn Erie, PA of all places, the kind of park that Mennonites visit, apparently. Right? Total podunk amusement park with quaint little dark rides and a Musik Express, and then OH HELLO RAVINE FLYER! I rode this alone last year and it scared the shit out of me. I totally wasn’t expecting to have my ass kicked on a coaster in a park that makes Pittsburgh’s Kennywood seem like Cedar Point. So I was really stoked to drag Chooch on it this year since he’s tall enough now.

Except that Chooch REALLY didn’t want to ride it. “Uh…not just yet. How about later? Let’s come back.” He kept coming up with all these excuses, but before he could think to exclaim, “I’m pregnant!” it was our turn to board. I tried to distract him by pointing out the glorious views of Lake Erie as we ascended the inaugural hill (also while trying to distract myself from thinking about the lady who recently perished on a coaster in Texas, ugh ugh ugh).

By the time the coaster reached the top, Chooch didn’t have any more chances to tell me he hates me, because that fucking coaster literally takes your breath away. It is NONSTOP and so fantastic. There are tunnels! It crosses over traffic twice! It’s really fast with a ton of hills! And that concludes my review of the Ravine Flyer. Go to Waldameer and ride it.

Oh, and Chooch fucking loved it, btw.

After hounding him all day, we finally got Henry to ride the Ravine Flyer. Waldameer is a cash-free park, so you basically get this credit card-like thing and add money to it from various Wally Card machines. Each point equals a dollar, so Henry had to use 4.5 points on his card to ride the Ravine Flyer, which is way better than paying $25 for a wristband only to ride one thing.

While we were in line, “Is This Love?” by Whitesnake came on and I started cracking up because it just seemed like the kind of song that SHOULD play while Henry is standing in line for a bitchin’ wooden coaster.

We rode this approximately 18 times that day! The last time we rode it though, there was an incident with not one but FOUR linejumpers. Mama don’t play that game and before we knew it, those four little pre-teen motherfuckers were begging us to go in front of them just to get me to shut up. One of them even tried to offer Chooch candy in an effort to kiss my ass but I was like, “NO MY SON DOESN’T WANT THE SUGARY CONFECTIONS OF A LINEJUMPER.” God, get fucked you little dickhead. And one of the girls was black but a ginger at the same time and I was really confused but too angry to admire her mutt-like qualities. She can get fucked, too.

THE LINE WASN’T EVEN LONG ANYWAY! They had two trains running, and each time we rode it, I promise you we only stood in line for 5 minutes. There was no need to show off your Olympic dreams by hurtling a fence just to cut off the 6 people who happened to get to the line before you. KIDS CAN RUIN ANYTHING.

Anyway, I like to think that Chooch was super proud to be my son at that moment.

This billboard thing was located right outside of the Ravine Flyer entrance, so Chooch and I kept referring it to as “The Bob and Tom Ride” all day, which was infuriating Henry because he didn’t know why we were saying that. SUCK IT, HENRY. My favorite part of this picture is that we had abandoned Henry at the Dippin’ Dots stand, just totally up and left him to take this picture, while the kid behind the counter started asking Henry questions he couldn’t answer because only Chooch and I knew the answer.

(Turns out he was just asking Henry to repeat what I had ordered, but Henry didn’t know what I had ordered because he doesn’t pay attention to me. SO EITHER START LISTENING OR DEAL WITH IT, HENRY.)

I guess Henry managed to have a good time somehow. He’s one of those weirdoes who are content watching other people be happy and having a good time. I don’t get that.

Anyway, the very last ride we rode that day was the Mega Vortex, which is the exact same ride as Cosmic Chaos at Kennywood—a ride that I really enjoy. But for some reason, this one churned my stomach in such a way that I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to walk off the ride, churned it even worse than when Chooch spit on me on the Scrambler. It also seemed like it was much longer of a ride than the one at Kennywood, and I collapsed onto the first bench I came across after it was over (and after Chooch ditched me as usual, so I was the last person to get off the stupid thing, how does it always work out that way??). And then it started pouring (the rain never really cleared up  that day, but it never rained hard enough for any rides to shut down), so that combined with my new olive-green complexion was my cue to leave. Seven hours is plenty of time to get your money’s worth at Waldameer, trust me.

I was so sick and clammy from that fucking Mega Vortex that I immediately fell asleep in the car. I guess that’s what I get for making fun of that nauseous kid on the Wipeout.

Henry will never admit it, but he had a GREAT WEEKEND WHOA. We went to Erie & Cleveland because these were my birthday weekend requests and Henry has been pretty agreeable ever since he started having that affair/selling drugs. I might even have a picture of him smiling in Erie. (Accidentally typed “sleeping” at first, like that would ever be a treasure. Oh wow, Henry sleeping. Haven’t seen THAT before.)

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend, too! More later!

This is going to be shocking, but OMG it’s a post not about Warped Tour/the county fair/our New England vacation! Whaaaat?! Seriously, I think I’m finally caught up! I can start posting about random bullshit again, like assholes on the trolley, my new plant (!!!) and I don’t know—what did I even used to write about!? It’s been so long.

And now, let’s proceed.

You probably wouldn’t peg me as a fan of the blog A Beautiful Mess, but I really actually love their brand (and they created the most adorable photo app of all time). Plus, they’re buds with Eisley, and I love that band/entire family. So when I saw that they were doing a 30 Day Self Portrait Challenge, I decided to try and play nice with others by joining. It’s been fun so far, I guess! But probably not for my Instagram and Facebook friends who have to see a new picture of my dumb face everyday. Don’t worry, I’ll try to think of ways to mix that shit up. I guess I’m going to post them here at the end of every week. Lucky you.

(This actually is a challenge because I’m not a fan of my face. I take 87,000 photos before finding ONE that is suitable to use as a Facebook profile picture. It’s pathetic. But I’m going to try and not be so particular and vain with this challenge. Maybe.)

#1: Obligatory Stupid Smirk

#2: My Standard Pout

#3: Law Firm Reflections, duh.

#4: Haunted Hand Mirror (no, really—I found this in my house when I moved in back in 1999; one side is all bashed in like it was used to MURDER SOMEONE.)

#5: Marcy & me in the morning, makeup-less. Marcy looks weird without mascara, right?

According to the rules on A Beautiful Mess, people can jump in and start the challenge at any time, so you should play too!

this was my first warped tour. I saw Itch which was the best band ever! I met chiodos for the second time—it was awesome! we gave them the picture of me when I was two and now I’m seven and Derick said two to seven crazy!

there was a lot of free shit meow meow meow. we passed the Vans tent and the guy said Hey Kid here and he gave me this band dana. I loved going on the water slide I said DADDY CAN I GO ON THE WATER SLIDE :(

I went in the wtf tent which tells about a bunny that they tested make-up on ”it was sad” there was a jacket with baby dolls mommy said it was creepy. I found a doll foot later from the wtf tent!

I said to mommy “f*** the nonsense of your healthcare”

[Ed.Note: I don’t know where he heard that, but he said it ALL DAY LONG & his middle finger was also part of this new routine. One day at Warped Tour and he already has punk ethics.]

look how mad dumb dumb daddy is he’s so mad he had to hold my stuff the whole day muh ha ha ha ha and spend money just for shirts :( he was sad because ted nugget wasn’t there

at the band Handguns they said circle pit! And I called it the psycho hole. I felt sad when warped tour was over I had the best day ever ha ha ha my cat shirt say’s that!

Obligatory List of Bands We (I) Saw:

• Itch — Chooch’s new favorite.
• Stick To Your Guns — “too political, STFU,” per Henry, but I really liked them a lot.
• Architects (UK) — Chooch only let me stick around for 1.5 songs.
• Hawthorne Heights — only about 5 minutes’ worth, but at least “Ohio Is For Lovers” was covered in that.
• The Wonder Years
• letlive.
• Craig Owens — so on point.
• We Came As Romans
• The Used — definitely unplugged the hole in my heart.
• Chiodos!!!
• Forever Came Calling — only got to see their last song.
• Hands Like Houses — SO FUCKING GOOD. Even better than when I saw them last November with Pierce the Veil. They’re the only band that has come even close to filling the void that Emarosa left in my heart, even though one of the guys looks like if Tim Curry was in A Flock of Seagulls.  I could (and probably will) fill an entire blog post with my detailed feelings about them, but I’m trying to be succinct and wrap this shit up, OK?! No wait, not without saying that I want to stick my tongue down the singer’s Australian throat.
• Bring Me the Horizon — Oli made us all sit down at one point and that’s how I wound up walking around the rest of the day with motherfucking GUM ON MY ASS, thanks Oli.
• Big Chocolate
• Never Shout Never — this one was Chooch’s pick. But the thing with Chooch is that when he says, “I want to see [this band], he literally means, “I want to walk over there until I can see them and then we can go somewhere else.” Chiodos and Hands Like Houses I think were the only full sets he endured. But he’s 7, what can you do.
• Silverstein
• August Burns Red
• Anarbor
• Handguns — REALLY enjoyed this band a lot. I had only heard one of their songs before, but I’m definitely a fan now.
• Run DMT
• Sleeping With Sirens — Henry really dislikes them live. He pretty much scowled and rolled his eyes through their whole set, and I couldn’t even get him to admit that “Roger Rabbit” was pretty good. He thinks Kellin is an awful live singer. (I agree with this at times, but Kellin Quinn is OMGSOCUTE so they don’t have to worry about not having thousands of screaming and crying girls in front of their stage. To be fair, the rest of the band is fucking fantastic.)

The best/worst thing about Warped Tour is that there are so many bands, in such an array of genres, that the possibilities are endless! It’s a Ritalin kid’s wet dream—you canNOT get bored at Warped Tour unless you absolutely hate music. The downside to this is that it’s impossible to see everything. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to fall to my knees and scream in anguish because two bands I really love were scheduled to play at the same time on two different stages. But, that’s the nature of Warped Tour and the only way to change it would be to have less bands. And I vote no on that.

The Wonder Years & a rainstorm.

We saw a shit ton of bands on this day, but there were a few standouts, and letlive. was definitely the brightest highlight. Henry had taken Chooch to get food while this was going on, and I am still, a week later, trying to explain to Henry exactly what he missed. He of course does not give a shit.

letlive. is a band that might not be easily swallowed for some people. When I was friends with Alisha, she was actually extremely tolerant and open-minded of the music I listened to, but she just couldn’t get behind letlive. And I can understand that—they’re not for everyone. But their live show, my fucking Christ. Jason Aalon Butler is like a tightly wound snake on stage, recoiling for .002 seconds only to spring and lurch back up in a different direction; it was like watching someone have a psychotic episode—scary and fucking fascinating. I don’t know how photographers are able to snap any decent photos of him because he does.not.stop. We saw them in Lancaster last March, opening for Pierce the Veil, and to be perfectly honest, they are the reason I was so insistent on driving the 4 hours to that show rather than wait for Pierce the Veil to come back to Pittsburgh on a different tour a month later: I wanted to see letlive,, and I wanted to see Jason sing with Vic from Pierce the Veil (he has a guest appearance on the new PTV album). Unfortunately, since we had Chooch with us, we were standing back too far in the club for me to really get to see much.

He left the stage at one point and everyone looked really concerned. I couldn’t see where he went from where I was standing, but when he came back on stage, he was covered in paint.

They ended the set with Jason intertwining himself around the drum set, which is sometimes what I do to Henry when I’m feeling especially clingy and don’t want him to leave for work. Not that that happens often!!

Please come back to Pittsburgh soon, letlive. PLEASE.

The Used—I have seen them countless times and they have never put on a bad show. They ended with Pretty Handsome Awkward and I cried.

When am I not crying, though.

WET HENRY! RUNNNN!!!

Can we just stop for a second and really look at this picture? No, I mean—REALLY LOOK. That is a smile, you guys. A smile at WARPED TOUR. It’s a motherfucking Christmas miracle. Orphans are gon’ feed tonight!

Chooch with more free shit. He didn’t even care that it was pink, because it was free.

We climbed this hill a million times. Warped Tour is good exercise. Also—look at the rainbow furry tail up there on the right!!!

 Shirtless Chooch during Never Shout Never, whom he has taken a liking to just because he heard one of their songs on a mix CD I made awhile back, and liked how Christopher Drew said the word “question.” When I found out NSN was going to be at this year’s Warped Tour and I told Chooch, he said super-dramatically, “Thank god.” Then he bought one of their CDs at the Exchange on Monday and I have my fingers crossed that this is just the beginning of what will one day be a Hoarder’s episode of a music collection.

Crowd-rafting for Bring Me the Horizon. 

Oh man, Bring Me the Horizon was fantastic!! Earlier in the day when we were in line to meet Chiodos, we saw Oli Sykes milling about and I almost died because he is even more Britishly handsome up close OMG. Henry just rolled his eyes, but the important part of this is that not only did Henry know who he was, he also pointed out Kellin Quinn later on, too. Henry is such a secret scene girl.

But really, he just reads Alternative Press a lot in the bathroom.

Chooch’s wristband collection. He got the Fuck Yeah, I <3 Animals wristband from the Peta2 tent, but he’s supposed to be guest-posting later so I’ll let him write about the horrors he encountered inside. Suffice to say, when we were walking back to the car that night and he was leafing through more Peta2 literature, he said to be very earnestly, “I should stop eating meat. I really want to…but I just REALLY like hamburgers. I’m not sure I’m ready to join your team yet, Mommy.”

It was so cute! But for the record: I have never tried to brainwash the kid into going meatless. (I myself haven’t even been a full-veg for several years now after discovering that I REALLY LOVE SUSHI.) But what’s cool about Chooch is that he eats tofu on his own and loves it.  I would never push him into being a vegetarian. Just like I would never push him to like or dislike a certain band. (Again, I only do that to Henry. Haha.)

Meanwhile, Henry was making a new friend while Chooch and I were in PETA’s WTF Tent:

Yes, that was my reaction too.

Anyway, this guy was running the merch booth for some clothing company that benefits the homeless, so Henry asked me if I wanted a t-shirt.

RECORD SCRATCH.

Henry NEVER asks me if I want merch at a show! So here we are, once again, back to my theory that he’s either cheating on me or selling drugs.

I mean, I didn’t actually even want one of these t-shirts, but it was for a cause and Henry seemed so eager to please his new friend In the Universal Studios tank (perhaps that’s his mistress), so I let him buy me a shirt. And then I also let him buy me a Warped Tour 2013 t-shirt and a Hands Like Houses tank.

New Henry rules!!

 So fucking hardcore. This is my new favorite  shot of Chooch!

The Spotify Stage had all the dancing.

Somehow I forgot to mention that when we were standing in line that morning to get in, Henry pointed to a small hill on the other side of the fence and said, “Look who it is.”

It was KEVIN LYMAN, the Warped Tour godfather himself. In all of the years I have been going, I have never seen him, even though I know that he walks around a lot. And there he was, standing at the top of this hill, on the phone, assessing the crowd. You guys, he is such an inspiration to me. If I ever got to meet him…it would be Waterwork City.

At the end of the day, Chooch is still just a kid who wants to eat a fucking ice cream cone. Only, he’s a kid who eats a fucking ice cream cone with a band behind him screaming bloody murder.

Motherfucking juxtaposition.

I really hope this is Saint Eminem on her calf.

Chooch already has the ambivalent scene armcross going on here, but let’s address Parenting Fail No. 66976: Check out his fucking sunburn. When we arrived at First Niagara that morning, I assumed Henry sprayed Chooch with sunscreen because I could smell it on him. Apparently, Henry assumed that I had covered that parental task. Turns out, CHOOCH applied HIMSELF with sunscreen and did a pisspoor job of it—look at the weird amoeba-outline!

Oh, to be a Perfect Parent. I hear they’re out there. I think they’re called Mommy Bloggers?

This is the Handguns crowd. There was so much energy, it was palpable! (Henry still yawned through their set though.)

So, remember in my Warped Tour preface, where I ranted and bitched about people judging those of us who choose to bring our kids to Warped Tour and how it’s not like I had Chooch in any circle pits or anything?

Well…

Funny thing…

Handguns played on one of the smaller stages, so the crowd wasn’t very big. This meant that we were extremely close to the stage and just happened to be standing in the line of fire when a circle pit broke out. I mean, it’s not like Chooch got swept up in it or anything, but I suppose that if Henry and I had been too busy lighting our joints at that moment (A JOKE), perhaps this would have had a different outcome.

Instead, Chooch soaked this all in, his first glimpse at a real life circle pit, and then this happened:

Sleeping With Sirens was the last band of the night and even though Henry had his laundry list of gripes, I really enjoyed their set but was sad at the same time because I knew that as soon as they were done, it was going to be time to leave. I swear, this is the shortest day of the year. (Unless you’re Henry.)

In conclusion, do I regret my decision to bring Chooch with us this year? NO. It was the best idea ever, and I’m positive that it’s something he will never forget. And do you want to know the number of times he threw a fit? Zero. Number of times we had to yell at him? Zero. Number of times he got hurt? Zero. Number of times he wanted to leave? Zero. Number of times he smiled/jumped/laughed/danced/threw metal horns into the sky? LIKE A THOUSAND! In fact, Chooch was looking at the back of one of the Warped Tour shirts that had a list of cities and he cried, “IT’S GOING TO BE IN CLEVELAND TOMORROW?! CAN WE GO!?”

This of course prompted me to spin and scream into Henry’s face, “YEAH CAN WE GO, HENRY!?” He just frowned and trudged away into the metalcore-soundtracked sunset.

Fuck, I really wish I was still there. I have got to find a way to land myself a spot inside a merch tent or something.

Sometime around noon, Craig Owens and Bradley Bell of Chiodos did a little acoustic show in the Acoustic Basement tent. Craig is a hot commodity in this scene, so the crowd was spilling like hot and sweaty guts out of the tent. Chooch couldn’t actually see Craig from where we were standing, plus we were all smashed together with a throng of sweaty kids and lost interest, so Henry opted to take Chooch to the inflatable slip n’ slide while I quietly dropped tears from my eyeballs as Craig strummed some of my favorite Chiodos/D.R.U.G.S./his own solo songs on his guitar while Bradley accompanied him on keyboard. It was, in spite of the face-melting heat, one of the most sublime performances I’ve experienced at Warped Tour. Absolute perfection, and I noticed that Craig had made subtle tweaks to his vocals on certain parts of songs that just really gave it a whole new feel.

Attention all of my worst critics, who were once the best of friends…

I got this from someone’s YouTube, and while the quality is what you’d expect from an iPhone recording, I wanted to post it anyway so that I can go back and remember the moments that made the hairs stand up on my arms.

Later in the afternoon, Chiodos did a signing at their merch tent. I was anticipating this, so I came prepared with a copy of a picture we took of Chooch with Chiodos back in 2008 when they did an in-store signing at a record store in Columbus, OH. They weren’t even performing, just doing a meet and greet, and I still made Henry drive the 3+ hours because OMFG CHIODOS!!

Anyway, I thought it would be cool to give them a copy of it and have Chooch re-meet them now that he’s at an age where he can remember it.  While we were standing in line, one of the kids behind me tapped me on the shoulder and, pointing to Chooch, asked, “Excuse me, but is that him in the picture?” I said it was and he and his friend were all, “Oh, that is so cool. He’s so lucky!” And Chooch smiled all proudly because HELLO HE HAS A COOL MOM, THANK YOU. Maybe now he’s starting to recognize that shit.

When we were next, Derrick Frost, their drummer, took the picture from me after I explained that Chooch had met them when he was almost two-years-old. He looked at it and said, “I remember this!” And I don’t think he was bullshitting me! “Is this for us? Can we have this?” he asked, and when I said yes, he said, “This is getting hung up on our bus!” We bought Chooch a shirt earlier from their merch tent, so Derrick signed it and then passed it down the table to Matt.

“Do you want a poster too?” he asked Chooch. So Derrick signed the poster too and then write “2 to 7 — crazy!”

Derrick has actually been my favorite member of Chiodos ever since that day in Columbus, and I was so so so happy to see him again! He re-joined the band around teh same time Craig came back, which was like the cherry on top, really. He’s just such a good, decent dude. (And, just like in 2008, basically the only one of them who spoke to us, haha.)

We weren’t allowed to take pictures, but I made Henry stand off to the side, which probably didn’t look too out of place because he has that “Creepy Corner Dweller” image anyway, to try to take some covert photos.

Classy bra straps, FTW, Erin.

“You’re not going to like this picture,” Henry warned. “Because your hair’s wet.” (There was a brief rainstorm that was so fucking appreciated because it cut the humidity down and the rest of the day was so much more tolerable. Plus, it made jumping to the Wonder Years even more fun!)

Right, Henry. THAT’S the reason I don’t like this picture of me. It’s not at all because of my hunchback (which I don’t really have, I swear! I would be honest if I did), awkward stance or stupidly huge nose.

But I know, I know. It’s not about me, it’s about Chooch’s big moment, blah blah blah. And wouldya look at him cheesin’ up there!

Meanwhile, Chooch was a repeat customer at the misting station and inflatable slip n’ slide, which ended up being our saviors of the day and totally prevented a Big Butler Fair Psycho Heat Stroke relapse.

 After one of their slip ‘n’ slide field trips, Henry brought Chooch back to me shirtless, which is how he remained for the rest of the day all because some dudes told him to take his shirt off. (Not in a gross, sleazy way, but in a “You’ll be able to slide better” way.” Chooch was really well-received by the older bros all day! I can’t tell you how many random high-fives were requested of him.)

The guy in the weird straw hat was the Warped-appointed slip ‘n’ slide regulator all day, so he and Chooch became pretty chummy (according to Henry, anyway; I was only there with him three of the 87 gabillion times he slid across a slide commingled with scene-sweat and water). Also, the guy behind Chooch was giving him some kind of tip. He must be a seasoned veteran, because the only tip I know to give someone is “run! now…slide.”

Also, the guy behind Chooch is hot.

Warped Tour is for making franz with trannies before Chiodos’ set.

Waiting for Chiodos dangerously close to crotch-sweat.

Henry’s serious, non-smiling review of Chiodos: “They were good. They are always good.” This is also what Henry looks like when he’s enjoying ice cream, sex, and being tickled.

I can’t wait until Chooch is older so I can ask, “Hey Chooch, remember that time you were sitting on the edge of a garbage can during a Chiodos show while some kid was puking in it?” And he’ll say, “What? No!” And then I’ll pretend that it didn’t happen.

I don’t even know how to explain what these guys do to my heart. But I will tell you that during the summer of 2007, Henry and I came sickeningly close to breaking up. He was even looking for an apartment. I spent a lot of time during the month of August listening to the All’s Well That Ends Well album and furiously painting; that summer, the song “Baby, You Wouldn’t Last a Minute On the Creek” became kind of my anthem.

SPOILER ALERT: We sorted things out. Ever since then, Chiodos is one of the few bands that we both like and Henry doesn’t bitch about having to go see. Even though Craig Owens got shitty with me on Twitter because he didn’t like what I wrote in my blog about his solo show in 2011, I still fucking love this band and cheered when I found out that the rest of the guys made amends with him and invited him back as their singer after giving him the boot in 2009.

 And now Chooch likes them even more, after meeting them again and getting to watch them perform live for the first time ever, and has been singing Thermacare ever since. It’s this really special thing, you guys, to be able to share this with Henry and Chooch, because it’s normally me, all by myself, obsessively loving music and it gets kind of lonely sometimes in my world.

How can I explain this to normal people…it’s kind of like when you go to church as a family, I suppose. That’s what this day felt like to me: the two people I love the most (ugh, shut up, Henry) with me at my favorite place ever, worshiping at the altar of life-saving music.

 I hope Chiodos stay together for a super long time.

******

Here’s Chooch with his framed poster. Henry’s mom was talking to him about it yesterday and she asked him what he said to the band.

“Nothing,” he said. “I was shy.”

And it’s true, he really was! For the first time ever, Chooch was rendered speechless. He really is just like me. I’m about to be 34 and I still get all flustered and weepy when I meet bands and then end up not saying anything and regretting it forever.

Warped Tour in general might have been the Best Day Ever, but the Chiodos parts were the best moments ever.

(This is probably the best, not to mention the worst idea that I have ever had >>> basically everything in my life, ever!)

YOU GUYS! I LOVE WARPED TOUR SO MUCH OMG!! But I was pretty stressed when I woke up Wednesday morning. I mean, sure I was stoked as fuck, but this year’s Warped Tour came with a wildcard and its name was Chooch. He was kind of like, “Sure, I guess I’m excited, whatever” every time I would be like, “Boy, get stoked!” So I worried that we were going to get there and he would be like, “This is hell and totally not for me. Take me somewhere quiet and air-conditioned, Henry” and then Henry would be all, “YES THANK YOU! We’ll be back to get you tonight, Erin. Try not to get date-raped.”

Because date-raping is something that happens a lot at Warped Tour.

(Sike. I really don’t think it is. I mean, Nickelback and Papa Roach aren’t in the line up. Ever.)

We arrived at First Niagara Pavilion bright and early (another reason I was worried—Chooch abhors early starts to the day) and trudged along through the parking lot under the blistering sun with hordes of scene kids whose excitement Henry certainly did not mirror. I usually try to keep conversation to a minimum until we get inside the gates, because he is so busy grouchily presiding over the Land of FML. We split up at the entrance so Henry could go get his Parent Pass* and I could donate our bags of canned goods in order to get the “jump the line” wristbands.” This means our kitchen is now empty, haha. But we only had to stand in line for like, 10 minutes as opposed to an hour!

*(I don’t know if that’s what it was really called. Parents got in free this year as long as they had a ticket-holding child under the age of 18; THIS is why I love Warped Tour and Kevin Lyman—he is always thinking of ways to make it a safer experience for the kids. I did not opt for the free pass. I bought my ticket in December, and even if I hadn’t, I love Warped Tour so much that I want them to have my money. It’s worth it to me.)

When I met back up with Henry and Chooch, I noticed that Chooch had that faux-surly look that I know so well plastered on his face. Turns out, his cougar 8th grade girlfriend Courtney was in line in front of them with her friend and dad. OF ALL THE PEOPLE.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

Courtney with her rolled-up Sleeping With Sirens poster. Her friend offered Chooch a Pop Tart and I thought he was going to die, reanimate, and then die again. AHHH, GIRLS ARE TALKING TO ME, OMG!!

We breezed right through security, a perk of having a small child in tow—makes us look less like hooligans. They did make Henry dump out Chooch’s water bottle though. You know, in case Chooch had gin up in there.

And then we were in! Henry went off to purchase a $2 schedule while Chooch and I ran for the Vans tent, because the first 200 people who get there and say the magic words (which you would know if you follow Warped Tour on Twitter and Instagram, god!) get free swag. Other merch tents also do shit like this throughout the day, but I never usually participate because I’m too cool.

(See also: too backward, shy, A SHRINKING VIOLET)

While we were standing in line, an old couple cozied up behind us and we became fast friends. (Not hardly.) This wasn’t their first Warped Tour, but they only come for their kids and they actually enjoy hanging out in the Reverse Daycare tent—an air-conditioned area where old folk can rest their weary bones while their kids flail in circle pits and cry over Kellin Quinn’s pretty hair. Once they found out I’m a grown-up, they thought it was weird that I:

• paid for my ticket on purpose
• actually wanted to be there

Still, they seemed like pretty fun people, and by that I mean they were probably drunk by 11AM and I bet they have fucking fantastic BBQs.

Chooch wound up getting a Warped Tour license plate frame thingie, but as he was walking away, the grizzled guy behind the tent called, out, “HEY KID!” and then hurled a black-and-white checkered Vans wallet at his head. Chooch’s face lit up like a goddamn Best Day Ever billboard at night.

Insidious 2 was being heavily promoted at Warped Tour for some reason (a huge advertisement of it was even hanging up at the back of one of the smaller stages). We swung by their tent and all I had to was tag the above picture on Instagram to get free sunglasses. MORE FREE SHIT YAY!! Fuck I love me some Warped Tour action.

I did a quick once-over of the schedule to determine an impromptu game plan. That’s one of the really awesome things about Warped Tour—-they shuffle the line-up daily in order to avoid headlining bands. So, for instance, just because the Used was one of the more mainstream bands, it didn’t necessarily mean that they were going to play last. Or longer. All bands get the same limited stage time. No room for rockstars, y’all.

The first band we stumbled upon was Architects (UK) and I was really feeling it but Chooch had that Heavy Sigh expression on his face. At first, my natural huffiness began to come out, but then I checked myself. It was still the first hour. I didn’t want to either force him to stand there with me or send him off with Henry so soon. My strategy for this day was to not pressure him or make him feel obligated to “enjoy” something that he wasn’t feeling.

I only do that to Henry.

So we walked around and checked out merch and then migrated under the ampitheater where Stick To Your Guns were playing. I LOVED THEM! HENRY HATED THEM! “They’re too political,” he spat. “They should just shut up and play their stupid music.” So Henry stared at his phone while Chooch and I enjoyed the music for a little while before getting up to see what else was going on.

This is worth watching for Henry’s grimace at the end.

I was thinking about it, and even though there are always bands there that I want to see because I’m a scene kid, I feel like even if there wasn’t that one band that made me scream giddily when the line-up is revealed, I would still go. Because Warped Tour is just about the atmosphere and experience as it is the music. There is so much music to discover there! It’s almost overwhelming, really. No matter where you’re standing, you can hear music. And it is the greatest fucking feeling to be buffeted by music ALL DAY LONG. Chooch, smiling, put his hand on his belly at one point and said, “I can feel [the bass] right here!” He gets it, you guys.

In fact, we had paused for a bit in the shade on a hillside, because it was a scorcher that day and Chooch needed to rest. A solo perfomer from the UK called Itch was on the Spotify Stage at the foot of the hill, and Chooch wound up LOVING HIM. I was pretty stoked on him because he was in a wheelchair and from where I was sitting, I kept imagining that he was Artie from Glee. I found out later that he was only temporarily in the wheelchair due to a leg injury. But he was still pretty good and it was like a party on the stage. Some broad even came out to rap and I kept hoping it was Aneesa from the Real World, because I clearly have bad eyes and watch too much stupid TV.

Bottomline, it was really awesome for me to watch Chooch’s own musical tastes blossoming! I HAVE NEVER LOVED BEING A MOM MORE! Man, if you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, or know me IRL, then you know how much music means to me, and to be able to share that with my kid is just the best fucking feeling in the world.

But still, we were only in the first hour of the day, it was fucking hot as Snooki’s temperature during another chlamydia outbreak, and there was the strong possibility of Chooch becoming overstimulated. So, you know…I definitely didn’t want to assume the whole day was going to be a breeze.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Henry is unamused, you guys. Oh, god that frown. His shirt is basically a Litmus test for how fucking incredibly skin-blisteringly, obscenely hot and moist the air was that day.

Henry could have used his Parent Pass to chill in the Reverse Daycare tent at any given moment, but he didn’t. You know why? Because he secretly loves Warped Tour. (And probably also because he didn’t want Chooch and me to get taken.)

Be back later!

If you look closely, you can see the exorcised demon expelling from Chooch’s gaping maw.

After Chooch’s heat meltdown, the rest of the day was pretty awesome. We even got him to eat some more!

Eating a corn dog and not being a dickhead.

Buying a lemonade and still being a dickhead.

Meanwhile, Laura was going on and on about finding the vendor building and I was like, “I have no interest in that, but fine.” So we found it and of course Chooch went straight for the booth stacked with breakable merchandise. Mike and Laura were standing closer to him than I was so I figured I could jsut run really fast if he broke anything and leave them to clean up the mess.

And then the perfectly-timed storm began. (Literally.) I had little interest in the wares being shilled beneath the metal structure, but at least we had shelter!

While Henry and I were standing near the doorway, watching the rain, a middle-aged man started making small talk with us. The next thing I knew, I was answering his inquiry about whether or not I have ever visited Williamsburg with a very thoughtful response of, “You know, I have, but it has been a REALLY long time.” And just like that, he had me hook, line and sinker. Or whatever that phrase is. I’m not a fisherman.

I quickly noticed that he was sitting in front of a huge advertisement panel for some resort in Williamsburg, Virginia and really, what the fuck interest do I have in Williamsb—oh wait, BUSCH GARDENS, MOTHAFUCKA. So we’re chatting it up about some restaurant called Captain George’s that has the best seafood buffet in the history of public gluttony and Henry’s being asked in five different ways if he fishes or golfs and I realized that, oh shit, this is some timeshare bullshit, Henry’s not going to go for that.

But Henry was still standing there. And if Henry’s still standing there, well, maybe there’s a future vacation in this.

And the more this dude babbled on about Busch Gardens and all of the things within driving distance of Williamsburg (because do I look like a history buff?), the more my eyes began to light up with hope and opportunity.

Then his partner, this mouthy little troll bitch, interjected and granted, she was actually telling us about important things and you know, showing us pictures of the resort and explaining the free incentives, but damn, she was annoying.

“Did you show them pictures of the resort?” she asked the guy.

“No.”

“Did you tell them about the Busch Garden ticket upgrades?”

“No.”

“Did you tell them the price?”

“No.”

And this went on for a few more seconds until she finally realized she had to back up and give us the whole presentation. When she held up the Captain George menu, the other dude spoke up and said, “Oh, I already told them about that!” and then he smiled proudly and shook his head, probably thinking about the last time he shucked an oyster up in Captain George’s.

Then Laura and Mike drifted on over at the perfect moment and we wound up with A FREE UPGRADE TO A TWO BEDROOM COTTAGE THAT’S WHAT’S UP! Thank you, Mike and Laura, for standing next to us right when this broad was trying to close a deal! You are welcome to come shack up in our complimentary second bedroom upgrade!

So, for what it would cost for one night, we get 4 days and 3 nights in this beautiful resort and all Henry has to do is suffer through a 90 minute time share presentation while Chooch and I go swimming or maybe play MINI GOLF, because THEY HAVE MINI GOLF ON THE GROUNDS.

I was waiting for Henry to snort and say, “Fuck no.” But instead, he looked at me and said, “Whatever you want to do.” You know what I want to do? I want to go to fucking Williamsburg, bitches! So that’s what we will be doing sometime in the next two years, but I’m thinking next August because we wanted to take a road trip to Georgia anyway (OCTAVIA. JENNY. YOU ARE DOOMED.) and this was like a sign from the county fair rain gods.

But do you see what I mean? Why is Henry being so nice!? He’s either cheating on me or hustling molly.

I’m really excited to go to Captain George’s too.  I mean, how can I not go there now!?

Afterward, Laura and I were about to ride the Zipper when some bitch PUKED on it.

So they had to shut the ride down for maintenance, and by that I mean they had to fetch a hose.

So instead of waiting, we had  possibly the worst idea of the day and decided to ride the Orbiter instead. I know I’ve been on this ride before, I feel just as recently as the last two years, but I don’t remember it dropping me back off to earth with a thick film of terror upon on my face. Perhaps if I had paid attention while previously loitering in that vicinity throughout the day, I might have noticed that the primary direction of this fucker is BACKWARD which is never a good look for my visage. Needless to say, I walked—-nay, staggered—around looking like I was wearing Cover Girl foundation in Green Around the Gills from their new infirmary line.

Post-Orbiter nausea models. OMG I’m getting sick all over again just looking at this. I honestly don’t know how I carried on after this.

Oh wait, yeah I do….

PUMPKIN FUNNEL CAKE, YOU GUYS. Pumpkin funnel cake. Good lord. I don’t even typically care for regular funnel cake! But this was the fucking shit, like warm squirts of half-baked pumpkin donut on a paper plate with some kind of maple glaze on it. I have been trying to get invited to pumpkin funnel cake dinner parties ever since, but I think this is something that doesn’t exist.

Someone buy Henry a fucking funnel cake machine thing!

Chooch put these little clown fuckers to work to the point where I felt obliged to give him money to donate. My favorite part was when he went back for the third time and said, “My mom wants something scary.” So they made a bumblebee for him to give me. Then Laura wanted one so Chooch went back and was like, “Now this other bitch wants a bumblebee too, good job.”

Ugh, this is the ride that almost took me out as soon as we arrived that day! Fuck you, Rock Star.

Other highlights include Chooch flipping the fuck out on Bozo, the asshole clown who perches in the dunk tank, shouting disparaging remarks to people as they walk past. I remember last year, I was there with a temporary friend* and Bozo made her cry. I was all, “OMG he sucks” but in hindsight, I’m like “Fuck yes, Team Bozo.”

*(I dislike fake bitches.)

Anyway, Chooch ran up to him at one point and told him to fuck off. I was kind of hoping he would say something back to Chooch, because it would have been pretty fun to watch Chooch’s wrath open up the gates to Hell. But I guess Bozo must not be allowed to yell at kids. I’d make a pretty piss poor Bozo, then.

While standing in line for the Ferris wheel, we were treated with not one, but TWO dunkings of Bozo! It was sublime. However, my Bozo highlight was when some dude whaled a ball at the target only for it to ricochet back and hit his little girl right in the head. Damn, dude. You let your little girl take hits for you?

By the time the night was over, we were all lobsterfied and exhausted, but (with the exception of Chooch’s meltdown) I think it’s safe to say we all had a good time. I’m glad Laura and Mike got to experience it before they move! :(

***

The next morning, Henry woke up and said, “Who the fuck goes to the county fair and spends [undisclosed amount]?!” I panicked for a second, thinking that he was going to try to sell this amazing vacation package to one of the dicks at his job, but then I showed him videos from the resort and he calmed down.

“That is a pretty good deal,” he murmured. All I know is, we have unlimited years of non-vacationing to make up for, so look out Williamsburg and wherever else I become suddenly obsessed with for no real reason.

Chooch and I bought Henry a rainbow-sprinkled donut on our walk this morning because our new thing is forcing him to eat it while we take pictures. (Perhaps swap out “our” and “we” with “my” and “I.

“)

That sonofabitch didn’t even thank us.

In other news, I think all of the walking and exercising is finally wearing me down. I don’t feel very well. :( (But I’m down another pant size!

So at least I can wear smaller jeans while feeling like shit.

#smart)

P.S. I have a crush on Henry. Again. Ugh! It’s disgusting, I know.

Henry is still recuperating from The Worst Day Ever (what he lovingly calls Warped Tour), so I tried to let him have a low-key weekend. This is something that’s hard for me because I always want to go-go-go, and after years of being so financially strapped that tagging along to the grocery store with Henry was considered “going somewhere,” it’s nice to be able to actually DO THINGS now*. But sometimes it’s necessary to just chill the fuck at home. (I guess.)

*(Don’t get it twisted—we’re by no means rich or anything. Basically went from one echelon of Poor to another slightly higher one.)

That doesn’t mean I still didn’t drag them to a cemetery, though (second of the day for me because I love my dead folk).

Ice cream cone swagggg

We stopped at Sugar & Spice afterward for ice cream. Henry didn’t order any because his new strategy is to wait for one of us to not be able to finish ours. This time, it was both of us.

I got red velvet soft serve in a chocolate chip cookie cone, which was fucking delicious but then it became a swamp of melted goo at the end so I passed it off to Henry because I can’t stand messy food.

Chooch sang Chiodos songs on the way home and I had all kinds of proud mom-love for him at that moment.

And then we actually stayed home! With the exception of sending Henry out to fetch us dinner.

Later that night, we had an impromptu water balloon fight (god, read the picture!) & Marcy tried to run away. Wouldn’t you?

Today, we went to visit Speck & Don’s graves. I picked out sunflowers for Don. Chooch got some kind of typical grocery store assortment for Speck.

Made the mistake of going inside the animal shelter afterward, which always makes me cry because I want to bring all the animals home but you know, who really can? Totally fell in love with this big, fat, fluffy gray girl who I think was 8 or 9 years old.

Ugh, I can’t stand it!

The Yough Trail (a bike trail that runs from somewhere to somewhere, I don’t listen to Henry when he tries to teach us; it ends in D.C. I think?) is right by the pet cemetery so I made Henry and Chooch suffer through a walk with me. I love how quickly the Law Firm Fitness Challenge becomes everyone’s problem!

I don’t know why Henry was bitching though because he got to look at nature and point out wild strawberries and algae. There was a shooting range nearby and I was so afraid of getting hit by an errant bullet and this supposedly “irrational” fear made Henry irritated; so between his infuriating voice of dissent and Chooch constantly making me trip over his fucking scooter, I power-walked ahead of them until eventually I couldn’t even see them anymore when I turned around. It was wonderful! (And also slightly alarming because it would be just like Henry to try to teach me some stupid lesson by leaving or jumping out of the woods with a chainsaw.)

One annoying thing though is that since it’s a bike trail, there are a LOT of bikers. Go figure! Anyway, bikers are really fucking friendly and have a great desire to slap you in the face with their winded salutations. God, you say hi to one biker, you say hi to them all, you know? I eventually just stopped responding.

Chooch really hates walking and his scooter is just stupid, so Henry mused about all three of us getting bikes. I agreed, but under the stipulation that we get matching shirts, like we’re some team of ragtag rejects.

“I want the back of mine to say Mrs. Jonny Craig,” I said gleefully.

“Then I want mine to say I’m Not With Her,” Henry retorted, but I think it should say Not Jonny Craig because I don’t want anyone to think Henry is embarrassed to be my husband. Oh wait, record scratch: the whole Internet already thinks that.

Came home and went for another walk around my dumb neighborhood–without my hindrances this time.

BONUS: When we were walking home from dinner Friday night, this huge, weirdly-shaped plane was flying overhead and Henry practically pole-vaulted to the SERVICE heavens with the boner it caused.

He told me what kind of plane it was but fuck if I care.

Anyway, I guess it was good to stay home because we’re going away next weekend for my birthday, whaddup!

Chooch watching Chiodos for the first time!

The other day, I was scrolling through Instagram when I saw that the Warped Tour account posted a picture of one of the Warped roadies holding up a little girl, maybe around 9 or 10, during the Sleeping With Sirens set. I thought it was so cute, and so did most of the other commenters. However, there were some people enraged that people would bring children to Warped Tour. One of the angriest commenters was a seventeen year old girl! Seriously, shouldn’t you be writing in your diary about blowing the football team and not caring about people taking their kids to Warped Tour?

She went on to list all of the reasons why it was a horrible idea: the alcohol, the violence, the crowds. A lot of the points she made immediately made me think, “Wait, doesn’t this shit go on at sporting events too? People take BABIES to those!” And then it made me wonder how many people were quietly judging me and questioning my decision to take my own kid to Warped Tour, so I began to get more mad at these comments.

In all of the years I’ve been going to Warped Tour, I have encountered very little violence — though I have seen people get hurt in the pit. But…am I going to let my seven-year-old son into a fucking mosh pit? I mean, I’m kind of dumb, but really? For the most part, we stood near the side of the stage, on the periphery of the crowd. Other times, we were sitting under the amphitheater or on the hillside.

And maybe there might be a lot of drinking happening in the parking lot, but inside the venue, I see very little of it. First of all, it’s a primarily young crowd. Second, who can afford to get drunk at concert venues like that? Jesus!

Not impressed with Architects (UK), even though I was. :(

Yeah, it gets crowded—around the stages. It’s not like the entire venue is one concentrated mass of writhing bodies. However, I have seen pictures and videos from other venues and it looks way different than ours here in Pittsburgh. At First Niagara Pavilion, there are plenty of places to go if you need to get away from the crowds.

In one of her many scathing comments, this girl said she would call Child Services next time she sees someone at Warped Tour with a young kid, and that she wasn’t even allowed to attend until she was 16. So I think the real issue she has here is that her parents suck and she was probably too busy listening to Kidz Bop when she was Chooch’s age to even know that Warped Tour existed. But Chooch has grown up to this music! He talks about Craig Owens, Vic Fuentes, Kellin Quinn and Jonny Craig like they’re family members. And now he’s obsessed with Oli Sykes after seeing Bring Me the Horizon. It’s things like this that make my heart swell as a mom.

But the Instagram dissenters are right about one thing: Warped Tour is not a kid-centric event. Yes, there is swearing (oh noes) and other inappropriate things (like a tent handing out Trojan condoms), but that comes with the territory. Your kid can walk down a grocery store aisle and see condoms, or step outside and hear the neighbors swearing at each other. Or go to a family reunion and see people acting like drunk assholes! At the end of the day, Warped Tour is about the music, and Chooch walked away with new favorite bands and a greater sense of understanding for ones he already knew about. I think it all depends on the kid. I certainly wouldn’t take Amy Sue in her Laura Ashley dress.

Henry and I had discussed taking Chooch with us in years past, but ultimately decided that he was too young. (Yes, we used this thing called “discretion”! Imagine that!) This year, Chooch expressed interest in going and we felt he could handle it, and if he couldn’t, it was agreed that Henry would just leave with him and they would come back and get me when it was over. I’m not going to force my kid to stay somewhere like that, all day and all night, if he hates it. (I only do that to Henry.) And it’s not like I’m some fucking minivan-driving soccer mom who just woke up one day and thought, “I’m gonna take my small child to that Warped Tour thing. Maybe Maroon 5 will be there.” I GO EVERY YEAR. I know what to expect. I have occasionally seen other people bring little kids and it always makes me miss Chooch. It’s a long day to be without him!

We’re not bad parents, and we’re not idiots. I would never do anything to put Chooch in danger, and if HENRY is on board with it, you know it will probably be OK. I mean, it’s Henry,  you guys. Do you realize how many times I would have electrocuted or poisoned myself in the past had it not been for him intervening? I trust Henry. (Mostly.)

And guess what guys? Everything was fine! Chooch had FUN and is already talking about next year. Everyone there, from Chiodos fans to bands to Warped staff, were so nice to him. And do you know was the worst thing that almost happened? Chooch almost walked into someone who was hula hooping at one of the merch tents, but some bro stepped up and said, “Whoa little dude, I don’t want you to get hurt!” and steered Chooch in a different direction.

A hula hoop, you guys.

So if some dumb teenager wants to call Child Services next year when they see my kid having a fucking blast at Warped Tour, well, good luck.

That time Henry accidently tried to order euthanasia through a window instead of lemonade.

I think this was when Henry was looking up the number for a suicide hotline.

Chooch, eating ice cream and not yet having his temporal lobe fisted by sun rays.

I wanted to see what Henry saw through his glasses. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the black and white landscape of sadness factories, frowns billowing in toxic tufts from smokestacks, like I imagined it would be, so who knows why he’s always frowning.

I made Laura “try her hand” at a fake cow udder, only to learn that she lived on a dairy farm for awhile, so take THAT, Erin R. Kelly.

And then right after that, Chooch duped her into going on his favorite thing in all of Carnival Land—the stupid obstacle course for kids thing. Except that Laura didn’t realize it would entail crawling and climbing, culminating in an awkward slide back to adulthood.

“Laura, what will you do now that you’ve conquered the Under the Sea Adventure?”

“I’m going to buy NEW KNEECAPS!”

I too lug around full-sized cartons of iced coffee with me when I know I’m going to be braising beneath the sun at the county fair.

PLEASE TELL ME HER STUPID WRISTBAND SAYS YOLO. I know, you’re right. Of course it does. She probably got it off that high school kid who fucks her for beer.

Her eyebrow piercing looked like a disgusting skin growth, btw.

Sometime during the Marvelous Mutts show (shelter dogs catching frisbees is one of the few things that will make me unironically say “AWWWWW!” along with everyone else like we’re the Full House studio audience), we realized that—holy fuck—our kid is like REALLY SUPER HOT. Henry was forcing water into Chooch’s mouth, but Chooch kept rejecting it because he enjoys being miserable and making us RUE THE DAY. By the time the show was over, he was in full-blown meltdown (almost literally, really) mode and it was, how do you say REALLY FUCKING EMBARRASSING in parent-tongue?

He hurled his water bottle for no reason, I mean fucking plow-drived that shit into the ground. And I’m pretty sure he kicked Henry at one point too, which is like the last thing you want to do to Henry when he is the only one who brought a wallet.

“He needs to eat,” I kept assuring Henry, who was hissing, “I’M TAKING THE SON OF A BITCH HOME.” I mean, yes, I wanted to throttle Chooch’s sweaty neck too, but I also DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE FAIR. Like, not at all!! I’m sure none of this was awkward or annoying for Laura and Mike.

I was trying to coax Chooch to pick something to eat when some girls inside one of the food trailers chimed in and took my side, which only pissed him off more. One of them even offered to let him stick his head in a bucket of ice but Chooch stomped off angrily. I kind of wanted to stick my head in the bucket, but I had to run off after my child before he Hulked out of his clothing and started smashing faces.

Hunger + Heat Stroke + 7-Year-Old Child = the perfect storm of Sybil-esque emotions. Newsflash to non-parents and new parents alike: KIDS DO NOT GIVE A SHIT WHO’S AROUND. There’s no modesty here. If they feel like cuttin’ a bitch, then bitch gon’ get cut. They don’t care if “people are looking!” In fact, most of these little assholes thrive on that! YES, WATCH US PROVE THAT OUR PARENTS HAVE NO AUTHORITY!

About to tell you to fuck yourself in 18 different languages right before auditioning for Lead Fucker-Child in the Village of the Damned remake.

Somehow, I managed to talk Chooch into eating roasted corn on the cob, of all things. I found a table where we could sit and get pelted by blistering UV rays while Chooch gnawed angrily on his mood-stabilizing corn-rod, Laura and Mike pretended to not think they were in the presence of a royal dick-child, I tried not to cry the tears of a failing parent, and Henry wandered off to supposedly get me food but I half-expected to find our car missing from the parking lot. Meanwhile, Chooch realized how close he was sitting to me so he got up and moved to a table where he could sit alone, which, believe me, I didn’t mind. Until he turned around and started sobbing—no really, it was a full-blown, red-faced cryfest—about how I told everyone he cried on a ride two weeks prior at Canobie.

Wow. I’ll accept those Parent of the Year nominations any day now.

So, I sat there and ate my crabby patty (irony, you devil, you) (and yes, this means Henry actually came back!) while letting Chooch blow off more steam by crying about how terrible I am. Henry even begrudgingly bought him a strawberry smoothie (not out of love, but more out of hospital trip prevention) and that seemed to give him just enough sustenance to turn off the Dick Switch. Crisis (and truncated fair trip) averted! I even managed to get Henry to buy me a cute little owl purse, which means he wasn’t really as angry as he wanted everyone to believe. God, he tries to be so hardcore.

And then the storm clouds came rolling in. Thanks, Chooch.

I think it’s worth noting that when I was typing the title to this post, my phone changed “Butler” to “hurler” which should be a synonym since Laura and I wanted to hurl all day.

Hey guess what? This is going to be mostly photos. Enjoy it while it lasts, k? Because the next 8700 installments of the fucking fair will probably break your eyeballs.

Just kidding. I’m trying to be more Cliff’s Notes-y so that I can get caught up and resume writing an entire tome based on a 20-minute trolley ride to work. Or a fruit salad. You guys miss my fruit salad posts, admit it.

If I had to pick only three things to do every summer, the Big Butler Fair would definitely make the cut (Warped Tour and birthday bullshit would be the other two). This is the premier carnival in Western Pennsylvania, you guys. IT HAS ALL OF THE RIDES! And a bunch of other shit that I don’t care about, but other people do, like free country concerts or something?

Henry even busted out a brand new blank t-shirt for the day! I asked him what color he would consider it and he said, “Turquoise-y green.”

Henry called forth the storm clouds with a secret combination of “left moustache twitch-frown-right moustache twitch-sigh.”

“Mmmm, how about we just go with teal?” I suggested. Someone’s getting a motherfucking color wheel for Christmas, boyyyyy*.

*(Please say this in the key of Vanilla Ice.)

Laura and Mike met us out there and I was excited because they were Big Butler virgins. And Laura will ride things with me, which almost wound up being a non-issue considering the first thing I went on with Chooch made me so sick, I had to lay down in the grass afterward. It was the Rock Star and it was only one of those rides where you sit in a row and then the thing moves back and forth and then all the way around. I apparently can’t be spun in that direction anymore, because this is the same sort of ride that knocked me out last summer at Waldameer. And the whole time, I had Chooch next to me, droning on and about the camel he wanted to ride.

He wasn’t pulling a Fear & Loathing — there really was a camel there offering rides, and he could see it from his perch on the Rock Star. I could not see it, but that may have had something to do with the fact that I had my eyes squeezed shut the whole time.

So that is why, when Mike and Laura arrived, they found me on the Quadzilla — a quad ride in KiddieLand. Palate cleansing, etc etc.

One thing to note about the fair is that it is HOT. And I don’t mean like, “Holy shit, there are so many people here I’d like to fuck.” (Because there never ever are.) What I mean is that it’s Are-We-Walking-Inside-Satan’s-Asshole? hot. Turbulent carnival rides, fried food and rednecks waiting for their yokel-okel country concert to start, all while stewing under Hell’s broiler — what a great combination! In year’s past, they’ve set up misting tents but there was nothing of the sort this year, which angered Laura greatly. She kept saying, “They should have those misting tents here” and I kept answering, “I think they used to” but now I’m not sure if this really happened as many times as it felt like or if my head was just playing Groundhog Day games from the heat.

But it’s so worth it. Just look at that majesty!

There is literally no shade on the fairgrounds though. Please plant some trees. Until then, if you REALLY want some shade, I guess you’ll have to ride the Zipper.

Fa-la-la-la-uckkkkkk! Good goddamn I love this stupid ride so much! I was hoping that Chooch would be tall enough this year but he’s still an inch shy. He actually cheered at the discovery of this because I guess I couldn’t hear him over my PEER PRESSURE when he said that he didn’t actually want to ride it. Thank god Laura rode it with me, because there are NO SINGLE RIDERS. I guess they tested it once on an immigrant carny and found him pulverized like a Hellraiser extra.

ZIPPER 4 LYFE! I might get this sexy motherfucker tattooed on my inner thigh. YOLO.

Speaking of YOLO, I tried to get Henry to buy a YOLO trucker cap, and when he and his lifesized frown continued walking hand-in-hand, I considered buying one for Andrea’s birthday but I got sidetracked in my hunt for a Lil’ Wayne belt buckle for her instead.

(Spoiler Alert: I didn’t find one.)

Chooch’s favorite ride. I’m glad he can ride things alone now, because I don’t have the endurance to go on this as many times as he wants. And I especially can’t exit the ride and get right back on like he does. I mean, I want to lose more weight, but purging on rides at a carnival sounds like it would make me cry worse than the Jillian Michaels DVDs I do every day.

Do not ride the bumper cars with Chooch unless you have total control. He’s the WORST. And then he ditched me when the ride was over and I got stuck in a bottleneck of SMALL SCREAMING CHILDREN trying to exit the fucking thing. By the time I escaped, Chooch was back with our group, sitting on a bench, sucking on a lemonade. Fucker.

Not yo’ granddad’s ferris wheel.

I skipped over the Skydiver. The last time I rode that motherfucker was at Lakemont Park in 2009 and my sabbatical from voluntarily torture is still going strong. Maybe next year. (I just don’t understand why they can’t pad the inside of the cages with some goddamn Memory Foam! The physical pain of this ride is way scarier than the actual “plummeting to your death” sensation.

It was so hot, all my photos started coming out red. (Untruth.)

Not even ice cream helped cool us off.

It looks so sparsely-populated on the fairgrounds, probably because 65% of the crowd was shacked up in makeshift infirmaries due to heat stroke and skin blistering. (Please do not fact-check this.)

Be back later with more, oh boy. And VIDEOS too. Can you even stand how high-tech and diverse this stupid blog has become?

Weird Al’s version of “Born This Way” plays from an iPod attached to his chest—right next to a fish-shaped necktie—as Royce Cobblepot shuffles and flaps around the lobby of the Westin Hotel. It’s probably as close to dancing as one can achieve while having their hands and feet covered with plush flippers. “I just love Weird Al!” he shouts through a prosthetic snout.

Royce is the popular walrus attendee of Anthrocon, a furry convention held annually in Pittsburgh. In case you recently moved back to civilization from a secluded mountain cult, “furry” is, in the simplest sense, the pet name for a person who has an interest in anthropomorphic animals, which may also culminate in dressing up as a mascot-type animal.

Furries are also sometimes misunderstood, and, being a devoted fan of the (upcoming pun in 3…2…1) underdog, I wanted to spend some time getting to know one, and Royce was kind enough to oblige.

I didn’t register for the convention, so I couldn’t get all of the way inside to check out the panels and members-only events, but Royce was given the go-ahead to answer some of my questions in an effort to shed some positive light on this social subset that most people seem to think is synonymous with sex, like furrydom is the seedy underbelly of the cartoon porn industry; this is all thanks to media outlets like Vanity Fair portraying them on the whole as sex-obsessed. To be quite honest, I had never heard of the furry phenomenon until one fateful day in 2004 when I posted a picture of the Froggy radio station mascot and myself on my LiveJournal and jokingly wondered if there was such a thing as “mascot porn.” Someone commented and said, “Yeah, it’s called ‘being a furry.'” So this tête-à-tête with Royce Cobblepot was just as much to enlighten myself.

The fact is, there are always going to be people who can sexualize anything. It even happens with Harry Potter fandoms, yet people don’t automatically assume that someone who enjoys reading the Potter series must also be into writing fan fiction about Harry and Draco riding each other’s broomsticks during Nude Quidditch matches. And it’s OK to dress up as your favorite superhero and attend Comicon, but as soon as someone suits up as a purple fox and isn’t getting a paycheck for it from an amusement park or ballfield? Alert the sex police.

According to Wikipedia, the subculture is said to have originated at a science fiction convention, not the basement studio of some bored and desperate 1970s porn director looking for a new kink to sell some films. Growing up with a sci-fi novel obsession and love for cartoons with anthropomorphic characters are generally what seem to lure people into furry role-playing as adults. Royce himself credits cartoons and his love of stuffed animals as sparking his interest in anthropomorphism, but it wasn’t until he watched a documentary in 2004 on the The Learning Channel about the subject of animal impersonators that he decided to take his love of animals to the next level, thus seeking out a community where he could talk to other people who shared these interests.

****

In a scene ranging from half-suits (people who choose to wear only ears and tails) to full-blown animal fursuits (foxes, cats, and bears being the most ubiquitous as far as I can tell), it’s rare to see something as unique as a walrus, which was one of the reasons Royce chose this animal as his animal persona, (or ‘fursona’, as they call it)”, after originally joining the furry community as a were-bear named Furio.

“Walruses are such wonderful creatures,” Royce explains proudly as we sit together on a bench in the lobby. “When we see them in movies, they’re always personified as older, dignified gentlemen.” In fact, he was inspired by Karl Malden’s portrayal of the Walrus in the 1985 version of “Alice in Wonderland,” which is my favorite Alice film, so my interest is really piqued at this point. Royce tells me that there is enough furry inspiration culled from Alice in Wonderland that at another furry convention, he headed an entire panel on the subject: Furries in Wonderland.

Another inspiration was Royce’s very own grandma, who has showered him with support. He was even given his grandfather’s cane to accessorize his costume. My grandma only ever supported my body image issues and wavering self-worth, so I’m impressed!

Royce’s walrus get-up was a labor of love, from the donation of the cane to his friends and neighbors assisting with fashioning flippers out of regular old bedroom slippers and oven mitts. Royce worked with a Canadian prosthetic company to create the mask, which fits the contour of his face and moves along with his jaw when he speaks. He only gets the opportunity to don it about four times a year, at various conventions and showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in his hometown in Virginia. Royce typically only attends Anthrocon every other year in order to keep his character fresh and novel.

****

Our conversation is interrupted frequently as interested and curious people (even other furries who are presently disrobed of their fursuits) stop to compliment Royce on his get-up and ask for a picture, but I don’t mind because I enjoy watching Royce in his element. I’m also not surprised at the attention he garners, because of the furries I’ve seen around town, Royce is the most unique and eye-catching.

“Thank you so much!” he gushes when I tell him this. “But at the same time, that actually makes me sad.” He explains that while the attention is nice, he doesn’t want anyone to think that he’s better than anyone else out there, because they all work so hard on their personas, even if they only have ears and a tail to show for it. Royce stresses the fact that every furry has something unique about them, and that there is certainly no hierarchy in their community. “We all know that there is still a person under there,” Royce explains, and I find it kind of alluring how much love and respect flows freely within this community. “Everyone here has something to offer: one person is an amazing puppeteer, another person is a veteran. Many people here are involved with wonderful charities. One guy can play the most beautiful music spontaneously, without knowing how to read music, it’s the most incredible thing!” he gushes. So it’s a good thing that Anthrocon has a talent show, in which Royce and some of his friends participate.

Moments later, Royce blurts out, “Oh, wait until you see who’s coming—it’s my nemesis!” and together we watch the revolving door of the hotel as a slender fox in a tophat emerges. “Oh, he’s so dapper!” Royce gushes, and it’s clear that they’re not actually nemeses and that Royce has genuine admiration for the fox’s slick attire. It’s a shame that some people are too busy fixating on the negative aspects of furries instead of enjoying the artistry and ingenuity behind some of these costumes.

****

We’re walking down Liberty Avenue to visit Fernando’s Café, the first furry-friendly establishment in Pittsburgh. Four days a year, you’ll find chalk paw prints leading up to the front door, furry-centric items on the menu, and food served in dog bowls. Their name even temporarily changes to Furnando’s. But that’s not what makes the owner a legend in the Book of Furry: During Anthrocon 2007, Fernando himself stepped up and defended Anthrocon attendees in his restaurant from getting harassed by a local Pittsburgh meathead and wound up taking a brick to the head for it. The furries thanked Fernando later by raising over $20,000 to help him keep his restaurant when he was in danger of losing it. It’s a pretty sweet love story, if you ask me, and Royce wants to stop in to thank them again for their hospitality and support.

En route, we pass a bar on the corner of Liberty Avenue called Tonic, which offers outside seating in the warmer months. “Oh, these people just love us!” Royce says, brandishing a flippered hand toward the presently-empty line of tables. “People sit out there with their drinks and cheer at us and just have so much fun!” I’ve seen it too during the times I’ve hung out in front of the hotel to engage in one of the newer Pittsburgh sports called “Furry-Spotting.” It’s almost become somewhat of a game for downtown professionals to collect photos of themselves engulfed in furry embraces, which inevitably wind up on Facebook. But this is a good thing! Because if my city can (mostly) ignore the naysayers and have fun with it, then that has got to give the furries hope that they can win over others, slowly but surely.

Just outside of the cafe, we run into one of Royce’s best friends, Comus, who has experience in the animation industry. He is on his way to one of the many Anthrocon events taking place in the Convention Center, but is kind enough to stop and briefly chat with us. When I tell Comus that I’m not a furry, he hands me the schedule of activities to peruse, and I’m surprised at how much they jam into these four-day conventions—it’s almost like flipping through a small college course guide. There’s everything from financing (have you seen some of these furry get-ups? they’re not cheap) to Native American totems to puppetry skills. And yes, there is even a panel for all you bronies out there—adult men and women who love and relate to the cartoon series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic—which excites me because this is a whole other subculture that I find completely fascinating; I’m not shocked that there is a crossover between this phenomenon and furries.

I excitedly mention this to my fur-company, which leads into a brief discussion about the show’s cultural irony and clever adult-relatable storylines, so now I feel like I need to revisit My Little Pony. Because to me, these aren’t much more than plastic ponies I used to get in my Easter basket.

Inside Fernando’s, the walrus-sighting draws out employees from the kitchen. Everyone wants to either talk to Royce or take his picture, further exemplifying the appeal—to be just a regular person, working a regular job, but then have these moments every year when you’re such a hot commodity? I kind of want that. Especially when it quickly dawns on me that I am the only non-furry in this joint. The Fernando’s staff is actually looking at me strangely for not even at least sporting a tail and I have to laugh at the absurdity of the situation—and also marvel at the progression that my city has made in these last eight years of being Furry Headquarters.

While furries are quick to dole out hugs, shrugs, and photo-ops, many choose not to interact verbally with their un-furred fans. Royce, however, gives his walrus a more approachable edge by speaking affably with anyone who stops him.

“I think it puts people at ease,” he explains, after thanking an admirer for his accolades. I think of horror movie icons like Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees, mute behind their masks and communicating only through head tilts, chainsaws and machetes, and I’m suddenly very thankful that my new walrus friend isn’t answering my questions with blank stares.

While Royce’s avuncular voice perfectly complements his tail and top hat, touching his whiskers gets you a boisterously anthropomorphic “aarf,” which is a real crowd-pleaser!

Outside of Fernando’s, we encounter a furry in her human form who, like everyone else, is anxious to get her minute with Royce. She is here from Canada, and the two of them seamlessly fall into a conversation entirely in French. Afterward, Royce says to me, “Yes, I speak French—a little, and not very well!” So humble and self-deprecating.

Another reason some people might be drawn to anthropomorphism is the power and confidence that comes from shielding your insecurities beneath a mask. “Sometimes,” Royce explains, “finding an animal persona can bring out things in a person that they didn’t know existed.” I mention Robert Smith, the singer of my favorite band The Cure, and how I once read that the reason he wears lipstick and eyeliner is because he’s so painfully shy, and makeup is enough of a mask for him to be able to walk out onto the stage and perform. Royce agrees that there’s a correlation there. “I’m definitely a shy person,” Royce says, and admits that becoming a walrus has had a positive impact on his human side.

Royce is eager to talk about the oft-overlooked aspects of the furry fandom, the most important point being how it’s all about making people happy. He tells me about how his favorite moment of this year’s convention happened just the night before, when he danced with a disabled woman in a wheelchair. Her husband was even inspired to join in.

“How many people get to say they danced with a walrus?” Royce laughs, and I can see just enough of his eyes beneath the mask to tell that he’s tearing up a little at the idea of being able to leave some sort of imprint on someone’s life. That’s a pretty cool thing. And I think for a lot of Pittsburgh adults, it’s a chance for them to act like a kid again, running around on their lunch breaks, high-fiving neon bears and bunnies in bustiers. “I like the idea that I might be a special thing in someone’s life that they may never see again,” Royce muses. “At the end of the day, I’m tired and sweaty and my back hurts, but I’m laughing—I just love making people happy.”

When you break it down (and, if you’re a prude, ignore the “darker” side of the movement), furrydom doesn’t seem so “weird” or “creepy” after all. People dress up as zombies and gather in hordes because they like zombies. People volunteer at haunted houses because they like horror movies and scaring people. And no one says anything about them. And to all of the people out there who say things like, “I don’t want one of them hugging my child, knowing that they’re going to be having furry-sex”? Think about this: that broad who gave your kid a lollipop at the doctor’s office may have went home and banged her girlfriend later. Your kid’s third grade art teacher? She might have a closetful of whips and toys. Maybe your mailman goes to Revolutionary War Sex Parties. PEOPLE HAVE SEX. All kinds of it! Stop letting it affect you and go hug a fucking furry.

[These views & opinions do not reflect the furry community as a whole and should be regarded only as one individual’s experience as a furry. Thank you, Royce Tuxford Cobblepot, for your graciousness and time!]