On Monday, we went to Mr. Smalls. It was my first time there and we went to see Emarosa. But the main band was Bless The Fall, I didn’t stay for that. When we were in line and went up the stairs, Bradley (THE SINGER OF EMAROSA) waved at me smiling and I waved back. At Warped Tour I waited in line to meet him and I told him that he was better than Jonny and he agreed so that is probably how he remembers me.

When we got in there was a guy who gave out paper wrist bands but he drew a smiley face on my hand because I was kid and I wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol.

When I walked in to the stage area I turned around and I saw the eighth grader who had a crush on me in 1st grade. She had her friend with her, and their boyfriends.  I felt kind of shy because I hadn’t seen her in a while. When Emarosa came on Me and my mom moved up to the front so I could see better.

I liked Emarosa my whole life because my mom has listened to them since I was a baby.

Bradley is so nice because when Emarosa was over and me and daddy were leaving he came right over to me and gave me a hug. (:   He’s not a drugatic like Jonny Craig.

He also gave the other fans who wanted a hug, a hug. Then when I asked him to sign my shirt he said “Allrighttt I’ll sign your shirt.” :P    When me and daddy went to leave (mommy stayed for the rest of the show by herself) the whole band was outside packing everything back up. We left to eat and came back hoping they would still be here so I can get a picture with the whole band. We went to Hardees to eat. When we came back for the picture, Bradley came over to us and asked us what we wanted again. When I told him I wanted a picture with the whole band he went around looking for everyone. I also wanted them all to sign my shirt, I got that.

When we got everyone, daddy said “my phone is dying because SOMEONE’S been using it.” Then Bradley kindly gave him his phone to take the picture, and he texted it to daddy. I was so happy that this was happening. So I had the BEST NIGHT of my life. The picture with my shirt signatures is on my Instagram, so check it out. @butt_jam.

***

This is my favorite Emarosa song because it sounds better than Johnny and also its better the original version of Mad. Maybe you can check out more Emarosa songs!

I spent the evening at the Altar Bar last night. It was surreal, guilt-laden, and also a bit therapeutic in light of the recent Paris attacks. There isn’t anything I can say that will make any difference or impact, or even motivate anyone to be kind to each other. I have no better way to articulate my thoughts or make any better sense of this tragedy than the person before me or after me. I can post all of the pictures of the Eiffel Tower, but it doesn’t matter—connecting with others is what matters. The world is a scary place and I wanted to hug everyone around me last night, even the two Mona Lisa Sapersteins to the right of me, who, on a normal night, would have sincerely pissed me off.

Even them.

Music is the one thing that always helps me decompress and forget for a few moments about all that is wrong in this world. The fact that one of the attacks happened while people were only trying to do that same exact thing is horrifying, depressing, and gut-wrenchingly sad.

It was a somber night. I was there alone and while I really wanted to just be home with Henry and Chooch, standing in a roomful of strangers brought together by a love for music was like slapping a bunch of bandaids on the ol’ bleeding heart. The music was beautiful, tears were shed, there was a token drunk guy acting wildly inappropriate during Copeland. And somehow, in the midst of all of the chaos, there was a bright spot, a quick moment of hope and joy, when a man got on stage during Eisley’s set and proposed to his girlfriend. Sharing that moment with a roomful of cheering and crying strangers brought about a sense of humanity that really needed to be felt right then and there.

In lieu of hashtags and posting Paris vaca throwback pics, I just want to share music with everyone today. I know, I do that basically everyday; but really, it’s the only way I know how to connect and find comfort. If only things could be so simple. 

 Maybe I might hug someone today, too. Probably just Henry, though—let’s not go crazy. 

I don’t pray, but I do cry a lot. And I’m not just crying for Paris, I’m crying for the whole goddamn world. Because it never really ends, does it? 

Internet, let’s get bullet-y! (Also, anytime I use bullet points on here, it makes word sandwiches and I don’t know why. APOLOGIES to your eyes.

• Yesterday was the last day of one of our managers who started out here in Pittsburgh and then moved to Australia to help build up our Melbourne office. I read his reply to my goodbye email out loud when I got in to work today and everyone within earshot let forth a heartygroan; here is an excerpt:
  • Erin:  your smile and just general warmth was always an amazing piece of the Pittsburgh office.  I’m so happy you’ve stayed with the firm and have taken on more within the group because you truly deserve the rewards*.
    • *My reward for lasting 5 years came yesterday in the form of a certificate, a ribbon-thing, a plate of cookies, and a mini bottle of Verdi.
  • I’m going to print it out and tape it to my monitor, next to the one Brad sent me in 2013 which reads:
    • You’re a peach, Erin Kelly. I take back all of the horrible things I say about you behind your back.
• One day last week, I came back from my break to find that I was SUSPICIOUSLY locked out of my computer. So I had to call the dreaded help desk, which is only not dreaded when my boyfriend Tim answers. But this time it was Noah. He wanted me to answer one of my security questions, and I had my mom’s maiden name on the tip of my tongue, ready to roll, when he asked instead, “What did you wantto be when you grow up?” He stunned me into silence and my brain just completely fizzled out. I literally couldn’t think and just sat there stuttering. “OK, how about this one: What was your favorite game as a child?” I was sweating at this point. Was I dreaming when I answered these questions? “……Monopoly?” I whispered with zero confidence. “No,” he sighed. “Ok…how about…what’s your zip code?” “Oh! That one I know!” and I happily answered. But then, after he granted me passage back into my computer, I asked, “Just out of curiosity, what did I put down for that first question?” Because if I know myself, it could only have been three things, depending on which Vintage Erin Era I was in when I was answering those questions in the first place. He started laughing. “Parapsychologist….so I guess you wanted to, what? Be aghostbuster?” “Yep, that soundsaccurate,” I said, and Noah continued to laugh. “That’s definitely the best answer to that question I’ve seen yet,” he said, and I was thankful that I hadn’t put “manurepackager” because that’s what I used to jokingly tell people I wantedto be when I was in high school, ugh.
  • And if we were going Early Years, it would have been “maid” because all I really knew about maids was that they wore cute dresses and worked in nice apartment buildings and hotels, and if you knew the environment in which I was raised, you can imagine how horrified my grandma was of this early career choice. And if you could see the state my house is usually in, you would wonder how I ever could have cleaned up other peoples shit when I can’t even clean up my own.
  • I wanted to be a parapsychologist after I conned my Pappap into buying me the Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown book series when I was in 5th or 6th grade and became convinced that this was the life for me.
    • By the time I got off the phone, everyone sitting around me were like, “The FUCK was that about?! Who picks those as their security questions?!” SORE-Y GUYS. At the time, I must have thought it was a good idea!
      • I don’t know why I said Monopoly. I can guarantee it was Mousetrap. Motherfuck.
• That time we let Henry treat himself:

• I’ve been putting on Gilmore Girls every night after work because the snappy banter of Lorelai and Rory in the background is inexplicably soothing to me. Chooch got sucked into it one night and asked, “Are they sisters? REALLY? Well they don’t act like they’re mom and daughter.” And then I waited for it to sink in and finally the lightbulb turned on and he exclaimed, “Oh my god, they kind of remind me of us, Mommy!” And there it is.
  • And Henry is Luke.
    • The reruns air on the UP channel so “goddamn” is edited out, lol’ing to Heaven.
• VIC LIKED MY PAINTING OF HIM ON INSTAGRAM!!!!!!!!! VIC FUCKING FUENTES! At first I thought for sure it was one of those thirsty girls who make their user name similar to a singer’s and just change, like, one letter and then they use the same user pic, like there for certain is a girl on Instagram right now whose name is Piercethavic, like what even is the point. BUT NO, it’s the real Vic and I honestly couldn’t breathe because I have loved that band for so fucking long and even Henry was like, “Nice.”

• I ran out of room in my haunted house journal before I was able to finish writing about this season, and I haven’t had a chance to buy a new one yet because I takes TIME and THOUGHT—I can’t just buy any old journal. It has to fit the haunted house journal criteria, for instance, two of my old haunted house journals were Goosebumps blank journals. DO YOU SEE?! I was ranting about this at work and Todd said, “Wow, you lead a stressful life. Can’t you make like, an annex for it?”
• The Affair is back for a second season of RUINING MY LIFE. I pretty much have an APB out on Henry at all times.
• Speaking of Henry and affairs! I took Veteran’s Day off because Chooch didn’t have school and I’m getting gently bullied into using more of my PTO time at work. Janna came over and we walked to Dormont to have lunch at Parker’s; on the way there, we walked by a truck from the meat place where Henry and I used to work and at first Iwas disgusted because fuck that place, seriously, but then I got close enough to see that the driver was Paul and Paul is awesome! I can’t believe that poor guy is still working there, though. Anyway, we chased (literally) the truck and as luck would have it, he parked RIGHT IN FRONT OF PARKER’S because there is a Chinese restaurant next to it that he was delivering to. I was all PAUL PAUL! OMG PAUL! and he had no idea who I was because a) I’m forgettable and b) I haven’t seen him since I quit on 4/21/04. But once I got closer and screamed IT’S ME!ERIN! he was all BRING IT IN GIRL! and gave me a hug full of nicotine and gross meat smells. I got to introduce him to Chooch, who was obsessed with Paul at this point because he’s my son and we get obsessed about things. I told him I’m still with Henry and he was genuinely stunned, which made me laugh, because really, who isn’t genuinely shocked that knew us back then.
  • Gross fact: I’m currently the same age that Henry was when he cradle-robbed me. I don’t feel old at all, but FUCK, I thought he was practically a geriatric when he was my age and I was 22.
• Sometimes when I’m out carousing the town on my lunch break, I see this man wearing a tutu and leggings, standing placidly on a corner, quietly holding up both middle fingers. No sign, no donation box, no quippy chant. Usually he is standing directly across from Dunkin’ Donuts so for a while I thought he was mad maybe about their ever-increasing line of designer coffee drinks. But then I saw him outside of Burlington so I have no idea what his agenda is. One time I saw him stretching out his fingers, though! I imagine they must get very tired from doing all of the communicating on his behalf. Here is a blurry picture of him because he scares me so I took it on the run:

• Cure tickets went on sale today at 10! I was still at home since I’m late shift today (although an adjusted late shift because I’m leaving earlier than usual so I can go see Copeland andEisley, woo!) so I sat there forever staring atTicketFly, hitting refresh, until it was 10. At one point, I screamed for no reason other than all this anxiety was building up and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to call Henry over for moral support but instead he calmly said from the couch, “Justbuy the damn tickets so I can take you to work.”
  • I came in to work and joyfully announced that I got my tickets and everyone was like, “Oh thank god, we spent all morning wondering.” I told Glenn that I almost puked when I was waiting to buy them and he said, “That’s funny because I almost puked when you read us George’s email.”
• Hey remember when I was having a conniption over Chooch and that effing school project that he was putzing around with? Well, he finished it on time and guess what he got out of it? STUDENT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING MONTH.  October’s criteria was creativity and BAM, BITCH the kids voted for Chooch because they thought that the fact he turned his animal essay into a comic strip was original and no one else had done that because the example the teacher gave was diorama so that’s what most of the kids did. Anyway, Chooch got a medal and he spent the next several hours shoving it in our faces.

(I can’t tell if my phone is broken or my eyes, but almost every picture I have taken lately has been out of focus.)

Ei

• Whenever Henry starts a sentence with HERE’S AN IDEA, I know it’s going to have something to do with me doing a thing on my own. And I don’t like it.
• Out of the blue the other day, Chooch said (MINOR WALKING DEAD SPOILER AHEAD), “Maggie is like, the new Laurie. I don’t mean because she’s a bitch now, but because she turned pregnant.”
  • Turned pregnant.
• I don’t know why I torture myself with American Horror Story (each season gets more and more lame, unless you are just completely unfamiliar with horror films); the best part of this season is definitely getting to see previews for the upcoming People vs. OJ Simpson. Holy shit, I can’t wait for that.
  • Also, a highlight was when “Siamese Dream” was playing during one scene in the third episode. #respect
• Chooch is still going strong with his extreme overuse of the word “bae” and even has me using without even realizing it—-it just rolls off the tongue so effortlessly. I’m at the point where I barely even notice him saying it anymore, but the other night, he started calling Henry and me “Bae-Lords” and after about 20 minutes, I was prepared to move out of the house. Henry flat out snapped last night and screamed, “I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO FIND A NEW WORD.”
• I know everyone has been like totally on edge, wondering whatever happened with the broken candy urn. Gayle fixed it for me! I mean, an entire piece is missing, but it’s basically as good as new.
  • (Also, I left a note for Lawrence Grant, the perp, and he took it! Well, someone did. I hope it was Lawrence though because I put candy inside of it.)

•  I think Chooch and I are going to try and co-write a post about the Emarosa show we went to on Monday, but we’re currently still in the heart-eyes -palpitations forever stage of things. But I will tell you this: Bradley prefaced our hugs by warning us that he was sick with the flu and was hoping to not get us sick but I was like BRING IT IN anyway because even though I hate hugs, it’s Bradley and he helped bring one of my favorite bands back to life, so…
  • Came to work the next day and practically screamed to Glenn, “BRADLEY HAS THE FLU AND HE HUGGED ME, THANK GOD I DIDN’T GET THE FLU SHOT!” Yesterday, I sincerely thought I was getting a fever, but then today I felt fine. :(
    • I am the fan that bands are wary of. J/K. I’m really not, I swear. I usually just stand behind Henry and cry, so you know, I’m harmless.
• Thank god Chooch knows when it’s appropriate to steal Henry’s phone and text me:

• Chooch brought home a permission slip for someidiotPittwomens basketball game but there are key words highlighted by his teacher, including “in school suspension” and “not invited.” Chooch was like, “I didn’t want to go anyway” and I suggested that we write “LOL basketball is dumb” on the permission slip and send it back but Henry intercepted and took that plan off the plate. I just kept going on andonaboutall of the things we could do with the $5 that we don’t have to spend on this now (like BUY SOME WEED*, BITCHES) until Chooch was crying from laughing so hard and Henry was like STOP ENCOURAGING HIM.
  • *This is funny because I haven’t smoked pot since like 2001 and have no idea what $5 would even get me, aside from laughed at.
    • I’m a terrible parent.

I will end this with a random picture of Chooch and two of his pals wearing my animal masks, because why not.

Sewickley Haunted Church

We were going to 2 Haunted Houses on the day before Halloween. We were hungry so we stopped at Taco bell. There was a huge commotion going on. A mom and her kids were here. The kids were acting up so she was yelling at them IN THE MIDDLE of Taco Bell. They were dressed up and I’m guessing they were going to a Halloween Party. Then we ordered and sat down where we wanted to sit. It looked like there were 2 guys and a girl all dressed up like they were in a band. Mommy got excited, of course she did.

When we got to the first one, ITS THE TITLE. There were a couple mini games. It was PING PONG TOSS, Ring Toss, Tick Tac Toe, and a hockey game. I mostly played Ping Pong Toss, because I was good at it. Since I could make a shot from the other side of the room I was called savage by a about 12 yr old. No seriously he did. I tried Ring Toss but it was way too easy for me. I played PING PONG for about 30 minutes and It and I got really famous.

Mommy saw a guy dressed up as Jason and she said he was hot. She told me this today because I didn’t know. Also when we went in the actual haunted part they asked for our names and it was actually accurate because boys can be named Erin and girls can be named Riley. Yeah I said I was Erin and mommy said she was Riley. It was a carnival part. There was a huge Jack in the box and when it popped it hit mommy in the face and one of the guys touched her back on accident. There was a butcher part next and there were human body parts, not real ones, you freak!

It was really good, the HAUNTED HOUSE , not the flesh! Me and mommy went back in to say it was better than last year. Then they said we can come back for a Worship Concert. Me and mommy played it cool and as soon as we walked out the door we said WTF! ~.~

Haunted Expeditions

There is really nothing to write about because we weren’t noticed at all. The Spookers completely ignored us and we were really excited to go because it was awesome last year. But nope they changed areas so it was in a corn field. It was so %$#@*&! stupid this year. Last year there was no groups AND it was in a forest, and this year it had groups and it was out in the open so you could see what was going to happen and the group behind us kept catching up and we were invisible! OMG! We need to go to a better haunted house. Thank god we went to the Church one the same day because that made up.

There was 6 other people in our group that were in three so like friends of 3. They all became friends and when we went to the chainsaw part you could hear the f^&*$#@ chainsaw in the house so you knew what was going to happen. We got in there and the other people in our group were all standing there like “WHATRE WE GONNA DOOOO!?” like idiots. There was a curtain to exit right there and they were all blocking it. MOMMY ditched me and left me in the house with the ding dongs and idiots. And f$%^&*@ chainsaw smoke so I was dying in there. It was the end of the f%&^$#@ sh&$% a$$ haunted house for this year.

When we got in the car mommy and daddy were talking about how stupid it was. Then I said “Its like when you buy a Barbie doll and It comes with a hairbrush accessory. And you never use the hairbrush, COMPLETELY IGNORED!” then they laughed. Since me and mommy were so hungry and wanted dessert we stopped at Kings since it was on the way home. And daddy went to pee so I took mommy’ phone and took a picture of him peeing. So that was our awesome, epic/HORRIBLE day!

Pascal wouldn’t give Pancho money for ice cream. Mother gave him five whole dollars and said to make sure his brother got an ice cream, but Pascal spent it all on a candle for his dumb girlfriend who stunk like PSLs and was real frangible, Pascal said. She spent hours carving her face and Pancho thought she looked hideous. Pancho hated her. Peg. What a dumb name.

Pancho really wanted a motherfucking ice cream, and what made Pascal the fugleman of frosty funds? Pancho hated Pascal even more than he hated Peg and her silicon chest-gourds.

Everyone knew they were fake!

“And stop carrying that ax around everywhere. No one is scared!” Pascal sneered at Pancho. “Everyone knows it’s fake!” Just like Peg’s pepos, Pancho thought quietly to himself. “Mother bought it at the Halloween store for $8!”

Pascal was wrong though. Unlike Peg’s synthetic jugs, his ax was real. He swapped it out with Farmer Picklepecker’s real like battle ax last week after Pascal made fun of him for carrying around a baby’s weapon. What are you gonna kill with that thing? Stink bugs? The pimples on your back? Pascal yelled across the playground one day, when Pancho was talking to his crush, Pepper.

Pepper laughed so hard, it was all Pancho could hear in his head, like sheets of metal shaking against his ears. She laughed and laughed and laughed until she was nothing more but a bad memory stuffed inside a dumpster with rotted meat and cat shit.

Pancho grudgingly followed Pascal home along the river. It was getting late and Mother would be expecting them to set the mannequins up near the window; ever since Pa ran off with the Bulgarian gymnast coach, Mother liked the neighbors to think that the house was full of friends and livelihood, as if she wasn’t eating her weight in beer nuts and watching DVRd recordings of Family Feud, and not even the good ones with Richard Dawson, but that shitty Steve Harvey garbage.

Hearing the river whooshing below them, Pancho considered pushing Pascal into it, but Pascal caught on quickly; his rounded eye-cuts made for exceptional peripheral peering and his reflexes were on point.

“I’ll rip your stem off!” Pascal laughed.

“You’re such a dumb baby. Dear Diary, my brother wouldn’t buy me ice cream today. I am a big cry baby. I am going to stick my pacifier in my mouth now.” Pascal laughed at his own stupid joke and Pancho started to cry.

“I’m going to tell Mother on you!” Pancho whimpered.

“Oh no, please don’t tell MOTHER on me,” Pascal begged, dragging down his voice with theatrical whines.

Pascal’s mocking tone took Pancho back to a time when Mother bought him a new doll for Christmas, the kind with human heads and long flaxen hair.

The kind that Pancho would tattoo with Mother’s simmering cigarette butts.

The kind that Pancho would decapitate with Mother’s pinking shears.

And then Pancho drifted off into a sanguinary gapeseed as Pascal’s needling taunts and baby-talked derision faded away until it blended with the birds above and the blood crashing against the inside of his head.

And then—-

Static.

[Alternately titled: Bored during my lunch break when it’s raining and there’s nowhere else to go but sit at my idiotic desk.]

Over the weekend, I found this dumb picture of a boy at Goodwill and I decided to buy it and turn it into Chooch’s official 4th grade portrait, because even though I am always singing the I’M SO BUSY song, I somehow also have too much time on my hands. How is this possible, I don’t know.

So I started painting Chooch’s big head over top of the basic boy in the picture, and he was not pleased. He was also kind of in a bad mood that day but one thing about Chooch is that he strongly dislikes being teased. Originally, the only thing I added to the background was a picture of a cat, but then Chooch sat down and started blabbing to us about god knows what and Henry was like, “Jesus Christ, do you ever shut up?” so I felt inclined to add a wallpaper of blah blah blahs.

Now he was REALLY irritated with his portrait.

This was the best picture I could get. Something about it makes camera lenses revolt.

Then I made it his profile picture on Facebook and he was all, “I’m going to kill you!” but we all know he secretly love it. Especially when his frenemy Barb commented on it!

He groaned, “Ugh, what does BARB want….”

Here’s his actual fourth grade school picture. You should see the actual class photo — he’s like a Crayola factory explosion compared to the other kids.

In other news, Wendy is visiting the office with the baby and everyone rushed over to her but I was just like, “What? I’ve already seen that baby like four times because I’m an awesome friend.” So there.

Oh well. That’s all I’ve got for right now because tonight is the Emarosa show and I am honest-to-god trembling at my desk here because I’m so excited!

My stomach hurts!

Today we hung out with Blake so I could photograph a sequel to the pumpkin head photos that he posed for in 2009. I wanted to use the inside of a church as the location but Henry was like NOT IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD so then Blake suggested that we walk down a bike trail nearby in Hays, which took us past the spot where Barb’s beloved eagle nest is located. IN YER FACE BARB!

Anyway, it was a nice leisurely stroll and Chooch and Blake were excited because they saw a bitch fall off her bike BUT I MISSED IT, UGH. 

“And she even had training wheels!” Chooch wheezed with laughter, at which point Blake said he didn’t realize it was a kid and now he was having laughter remorse; I would not have tried to return my laughter though HAD I SEEN IT. 

Hope everyone had a non-volatile Sunday with little-to-no bicycle spills. 

 Flailing. 

Typical. 

Afterward, we went to Steak n Shake, where Blake fake-bullied Chooch and then Chooch fake-cried (he is scarily good at that) pretty much the whole time and I think the only reason we didn’t get kicked out is because the employees were being just as rowdy and obnoxious and they were apparently bullying our waitress?! I didn’t know this until after we left and Henry mentioned that there was a group of them talking shit on her, wtf? 

Now I kind of want to go back and defend her honor, even though she served me a grilled cheese with a BEEF PATTY on it. 

My favorite part was when Blake tried to force Chooch to eat a crayon while people at other tables were probably recording the scene to later parent-shame us on social media. 

And also when Blake spilled Chooch’s lemonade during one of their violent fits on each other. 

And let’s not forget when Blake smashed the cardboard kids meal bus that he and Chooch built together, causing Chooch to dramatically and believably fake-cry, making Blake look like a grade A brute. 

 
The only thing that was missing was one of them hauling back an arm to punch the other, but accidentally missing and punching a loaded tray out of a waitress’s hands. 

  
Here are some old pictures. First batch is from 9/2012. I guess Chooch was like 6 here? Sadly, this abandoned street caught on fire and supposedly nothing is left now which sucks because it was always my back-up plan for when other locations failed. Here’s to you, Abandoned Street In Clairton. Thanks for the memories. 

And these ones are from 7/2014.    
    
  Supposed to be taking pictures of Chooch & Blake tomorrow and I’m really sad that this place isn’t an option. :(

Last night, Wendy-and-Summer, Debbie, and I met up with BARB at Villa Reale for her BIRTHDAY. Don’t worry, though–I didn’t go too far out of my way. I can walk there from work in like 3 minutes now that I accidentally know my way around town. (It’s right down the street from the library that I just discovered a few weeks ago!)

Wendy was late because she has a baby now so we just sat around and talked about her for a while and it was really therapeutic for all of us, I think.

(Seriously, though, Wendy’s baby is the sweetest and I almost want another but then Henry reminds me that I’m only capable of loving one person at a time, and I’m not sure how Chooch would feel when he suddenly wasn’t that person anymore.

)

Anyway, then Wendy and Summer arrived and everyone decided to get pizza except for me, because I’m the difficult one, so I got spaghetti while they all scratched their heads and started scribbling out pie charts to determine how they were going to split up their pizzas while I just sat over there with my own personal meal and a fork.

I don’t like sharing!

Barb talked about how one of her dreams was to be an over-the-road truck driver, and I think it was Debbie who said she would be scared to sleep in the truck though because what if a serial killer came after her but I reasoned that sleeping in the cab would probably be safe because serial killers aren’t going to mess with truck drivers since they could possibly be brethren, unless you’re some Aileen Wuornos-wannabe. DISCUSS.

God, I missed having these pointless conversations at work. Because now that I sit near Todd, Glenn, and Amber hadababy, our conversations are Mensa-quality; we discuss the Pythagorean Theorem and its many proofs at least 3 times a week for no reason other than we’re fucking geniuses.

My favorite part about the Villa is that you have to go down a creepy staircase to the basement in order to reach the bathroom, which is decorated in 1980s shades of peach, and the Designing Women probably would have felt very comfortable stepping inside to powder their noses.

I always think of my friend Alyson when I’m in public restrooms. When I was pregnant and we were scoping out places to have my baby shower, I sent her a picture of the loo in the Elizabeth Fire Hall party room (also in the basement!!) and it was a really big deal at the time because that was back when I had my pink Motorola Razr and Henry was an absolute tyrant about my data usage.

I thought of her last night too, when I had to climb a step in order to board the elevated stall. I think she would have appreciated the regal privacy of it all, like literally being on a throne.

Barb’s gift from me was one of my succulent propagations. This is the first one from my nursery that I’ve given away! It’s a Black Prince, and I gave it to her unnamed, so let’s see what she decides on. The tea cup is from Wendy’s baby shower!

There was a big debate yesterday over whether or not I should get a gift bag for the succulent. Actually, the debate was basically just Glenn telling me it was bad idea and that it wasn’t going to fit, because in his monotone, monochromatic, monosyllabic world, gift bags are monosized, and that monosize only fits thimbles, I guess.  So I said, “You’re wrong” and went out to CVS where not only did I buy an adequate-sized giftbag, I USED THE SELF CHECK-OUT.

Barb, I did all of these things for you! And here you thought you were only getting a stupid plant, but this gift had LAYERS: an argument with Glenn, a flagrant display of my newfound independence at a store I knew how to find on my own, memorabilia from Wendy’s shower…

what else? Dirt that Henry bought, I guess. So much went into this!

In addition to placing bets on how long it will take Barb to murder this baby succulent, let’s add the phrase “pics or it didn’t happen!” to her repertoire of “Things That Were Popular to Say in 2010 But Barb’s Just Learned How To Use Them.”

Man, it was so nice to see these ladies. I mean, whatever, Wendy will be back to work in a few weeks and I’ll be over it after the second day, probably (kidding!).  I miss Barb fucking up the Roll call emails and enabling my Diva mentality, and I miss Debbie’s spot-on snark sessions and her ability to fall while standing perfectly still. I’m just glad that we’re doing an OK job at keeping in touch, although Barb needs to step it up!

Barb drove me home, not narrating the drive nearly as much as I hoped she would, although she did offhandedly say, “We’re gonna take this Liberty exit here…” while trying to exit the parking garage.

After she dropped me off, I was walking up to my house and a big fat gray cat was licking itself on my sidewalk! He ran off down my driveway, so I followed him.

“What are you doing?” Barb shouted from her car across the street, waiting to pull out of the parking lot.

I’M CHASING A CAT BARB, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE.

(Look, I don’t see her every day anymore, so when I do, I have to milk it for every last drop of blog fodder. I LOVE YOU BARB!)

(Chooch originally posted this last weekend but half of it got deleted somehow — probably Henry’s fault — so here is a new version.)

Okay, So last Thursday we went to Fright Farm and it was just me and mommy because daddy he sucks and he was “so manly”. We waited in line for less than 30 mins and then we got close to the front and a girl with a hula hoop that was on fire. Was spinning it on her waist! When we got to the front and went in, we went on a hayride and a guy (THAT WAS SO FREAKING ANNOYING) sat next to me and he wouldn’t shut up! Same with mommy except a girl sat next to her and the girl thought she was so funny. (,; ! Also, after the hay…… wait never mind let me say something. I’m not going to say what happened on the hayride in case you wanna go!

Then, We got into the asylum and we ad to wait in line for like ever!  We got to the front of the line at the top part (WE HAD TO GO TO ANOTHER LINE AFTER)  a crazy girl who had a high pitch voice and colored eye contacts (a bright green)  was at the front of the line and then she told us to go to the bottom line! Then we got to the front of the bottom line. Thank God! The girl at the front of that line was like “Ooooooh looks like we have a kid. My sister. You know, shes crazy.” She let us go in and right when we got in, we caught up to the group in front of us and the group behind us caught up to us.

The leader of the group was Dennis. Screw him. They were all la de da and “STOP!” “Look at this!”  We were so annoyed we wanted to push them into a lake and leave. But we would probably go to jail for that, so. Then there was a chainsaw guy and they were all like “OMG” “LOOK! HAHA!” It was our chance, we could finally run through! I felt free like a unicorn in the sky! Then we caught up to another group because we ran so *!@$&*# fast. But they went a decent speed. Thank god for that because I’M not waiting an hour looking at some stupid decoration. *WHISPERS TO SELF: God screw Dennis*

When we caught up to them it was near the end so we were close to “THE MAZE”. The maze wasn’t as good as it was last year, when we went with “GODFORBID JANNA. There weren’t as many spooky people in their. We got out to see a small crowd of people waiting for a friend they lost in the maze. I think her name was Jody but that doesn’t matter. Wait does it? But what if she died. R.I.P Jody: Died October 21, 2015: You will forever be in our hearts. Died of “LOST IN MAZE SYNDROME. Hmm, So then was a sort of “Disco Stew” part, and there were flashing lights, lasers, strobe lights! Oh yeah and fog, so we couldn’t see #$@*! 2 guys came up on us, and mommy scared the crap out of me because she jumped. Then there was girl who said “They r doin the whip n’ nae nae down there” K to start this off, MOMMY HATES THE WHIP N’ NAE NAE! She hates it so much. What did Silento ever do to her? Who knows? Comment to tell me. Then we found out they weren’t doing the whip and nae nae down there. ):  Then I saw a guy that I saw before we went in line. I was going to the porta potty and some guy came out. I went in and that was it. I know beautiful story. No need to tell me. That really it, beside the fact we got lost after and we had to find a sheetz because I was hungry and she wanted a coffee, and we had to call daddy and he told us to download the sheetz app and so we did and we ended up finding in the direction were going. The easiest spot ever! That’s it!

DUNGEON OF HORRORS

We went to Dungeon of Horrors (ITS BASICALLY JUST A PENITENTIARY, BUT HAUNTED). We went with my aunt, Amy, my cousin, Brooke, and my uncle, Dick. We went on October 25. Daddy was too big of a wuss and he sucked. There was a projector projecting the rules of conduct that you have to follow in the prison. One part there was a guy urinating and the rule was “no urinating please”. Amy said that they wouldn’t say that if someone didn’t do it. But it didn’t say you couldn’t do it outside. When we got in there was a little height and number thing you could hold up and get your picture taken. We had to act like we were actually going to prison. They made us put our hands on our head and it hurt so freaking bad. Some lady smiled so she had to go in a cell for the rest of the time. Then WE had to go in a cell and scream as loud as we could. We ended up being able to come out but cell 9 had to stay.

Then we had to go in a coffin ONE-BY-ONE. I was last so the 2 people who were putting our group in the coffins were torturing me.. It took us through a curtain thing into another room. Mommy, Brooke, Amy, and Dick were waiting for me. When I came out there was a guy who opened the coffin door and screamed in my face. We then had to go in a doctors room. The doctor needed a new face so he asked Brooke. She didnt talk to me, mommy, or daddy for the rest of the day. I think it was because she was still scared. Then it was A WALKING DEAD part with the theme, zombies, gates. It was sort of like the “PRISON” season with the gates all falling down. Makes so much sense! There were a lot of zombies and then were 2 and they were all on mommy. It was Fun House part and there were 2 clowns and they said something and I said “How is it?” the clowns asked “How is what?” Then another kid said how is life and the clowns said it’s good. Then I said it’s about to end! The clowns laughed and thought it was funny.

There was one of those spinning tunnels that paralyses you or something. There was a part where there was a guy in some torture device and he got executed. Then after he was executed he got up, and scared the crap out of mommy. I don’t know how but yeah. There was a paintball part and if mommy knew about she would’ve got money but nope. I would’ve shot her anyway. I would have to turn around to shoot her. Then we went to the gas station and guess what the total was. $6.66, Holy crap! That is some devil @#!* right there. We had some weird and creepy night!  Then we came home and watched The Walking Dead. Don’t get me started on THAT!

In addition to plopping tears all over the place, eating cookies, and having my dancing skills mocked, there was also lots of group picture-taking and haunted basement exploring! Chris stepped away from her own celebrations to PERSONALLY escort Chooch and me down into the basement. Oh yeah, that’s us, being escorted to a place by the BRIDE.

“They literally don’t care what you do around here,” she said, nodding toward the front desk. We poked around a little but come on—it’s me and Chooch. We came back later with Lauren, Tony, Nate and some dude. Nate and some dude were too scared to venture very far, but the rest of us kept exploring further into the depths of the George Washington Hotel and it was AWESOME.

There was a sunken event room down there and I was obsessed with it. It had a medieval vibe. 

But parts of the basement definitely should have been cordoned off from the public, like this FLOODED STORAGE ROOM, WHAT:

Chooch: I’m over here with Lauren. I’m fine! I don’t have a crush on her now or anything!

Serial killer work bench.

Honestly, I was half-afraid that we were going to become reluctant witnesses to a murder down there.

But then it was time to go back upstairs for more pictures! You can tell I’ve been drinking when I’m actively participating in having my image captured.

The bartender took this of us when we were waiting for Chooch to retrieve Lauren and Tony for a Table 15 photo. April and I both agree that we have no recollection what we were doing in this shot, other than obviously performing the Waiting for Chooch to Retrieve Lauren and Tony jig.

And then she took this wonderfully blurry group shot of us, but that’s OK. IT’S STILL A CUTE PICTURE.

Fun fact: two days before the wedding, I said to Henry, “So…are you cutting your hair for the wedding or….?”

Henry, without looking up from his phone (honestly, nothing he looks at on his phone is interesting!) said, “I don’t know…why?”

“Oh no reason, I just don’t want to look like I brought Billy Bob with me as my date,” I answered with passive-aggressive cheer.

Without saying a word, Henry stormed out of the house and came back with his woodhick follicles shorn into a respectable, modern style.

Meanwhile, Henry dozed off at the table while we were excavating George Washington’s bowels. Chris took this from her cousins’s phone and I am forever grateful!

(“I WASN’T SLEEPING!” Henry whined.)

And then this happened (I need to buy a real copy!):  

*****

Sometime around 11, the DJ announced that the reception was ending but that the party was going to move to the hotel bar. We couldn’t stay (THANKS CHOOCH) so we went over to say our goodbyes, which is when Chooch accidentally pulled Monica to the ground, which in some customs is considered GOOD LUCK for the marriage. 

Just saying. 

Kind of random, but The Lost Boys was one of the first movies that Chooch became obsessed with when he was real little. It happened kind of as a joke: I had just brought the DVD home after lending it to Bob from my old job and I asked Chooch if he wanted to watch it. I mean, he was 2 so he basically just responded with a Maggie-esque suck of his pacifier. Then Henry came home and saw that we were sitting on the couch, all up to our necks in glorious 1987 vamp action, and he was just like, “Why are you letting him watch this? What is wrong with you?!”

Chooch has always been down with horror movies. There have only been two times in his 9 years where he was legit upset:

• once when he was about 4 and watching The Eye (the real version, not the crappy American remake),
• once when he was about 7 and watching Children of the Corn and made me turn it off after the dog dies at the gas station (spoiler but not?)

And The Lost Boys was his freaking JAM when he was a toddler! I can’t tell you how amazing it was to watch a vampire movie 99 times a week instead of some Disney bullshit. So then I bought him the Michael and David figurines, and he would make David say, “Maggots, Michael!” in his cute little baby voice full of impediments.

And then he had a Lost Boys cake at his third birthday party.

The older Chooch gets, the more of the movie he gets, as well. Like, the milk carton close-up. The grandfather’s famous last line of the movie. HOW AMAZING COREY HAIM IS. He was really excited a few weeks ago when he slept over his cousin Zac’s house and The Lost Boys was on TV, so he got to watch it with everyone there. We were talking about it the next night, standing in line for a haunted house of course, when he started acting out the Death By Stereo scene. And then it was, “That’s what I should be for Halloween.”

***

That said, I had officially retired from any and all involvement of Halloween costume planning and prepping. I felt like last year’s Kevin Bacon costume was a solid way to go out, you know? It was a strong costume, and also extremely easy to pull off. The best.

But man, I loved his idea. It was a CHALLENGE. Plus, how could I say no when it involved one of my all-time favorite movies, ever? So I turned to Henry and said, “Well, Chooch finally decided on a costume.

  Good luck!”

I mean, I at least sketched it out for him so he had an idea of what to do, OK? But every last person who knew about this plan was like, “How in the hell….?” I was only 45% confident that we were going to pull it off, and 100% confident that barely no one would get it. But, it’s what Chooch wanted and I thought it was really fucking awesome. This was definitely a costume I could get behind and I was on Henry’s back about it. Which is unusual for me, that whole nagging thing.

The sparks were the hardest things to visualize, but I liked Henry’s interpretation.

This was the first year that we had our shit together in enough time to participate in the neighborhood’s Halloween parade. Seriously, after nine years! Usually we’re still slathering makeup on his face or stuffing him in a box right as the first batch of trick-or-treaters are clambering up our front steps. We were only a block away from our house when Chooch tripped on absolutely nothing, fell, and chipped one corner of his styrofoam speaker. Luckily, we had  to walk right past a CVS on our way to the boulevard, so Henry ran in and bought some duct tape for a quick repair.

On the walk down to the parade’s start line, Chooch got lots of compliments, but you could tell that no one was really getting it. But then, during the parade, I overheard a man with a burlap sack on his head say to his friend, “The Lost Boys! Ha!” and I did a quick fist pump at my side.

Later, a lady turned around and asked, “Is he from the Lost Boys?” YES YES YES HE IS. THANKS!

Meanwhile, some broads were walking around during the parade and handing out papers to some of the kids. One walked over to me and said, “Write his name on the back on this and then have him come over to the stage after the parade and turn it in.” Then she looked at Chooch and started cracking up. I looked at the paper and it said “Funniest Costume.” I wanted to argue her on this, because he wasn’t FUNNY, but I just shrugged, wrote his name, and handed her the pencil back.

We went light on the blood because he was going trick-or-treating with his cousin Zac and I didn’t want him getting that shit in my car. Also, we forgot to buy fangs because it would be weird if we actually had everything right. But then I had a rare moment of brilliance and started stuffing my fists into the pockets of all of my jackets before I was finally rewarded with an unopened package of fangs from Castle Blood. THANK YOU, CASTLE BLOOD! How poetic!

During the parade, Chooch saw some of his friends from school who were just like, “WHAT THE HECK?!” and “I thought you were cotton candy?!”

No matter where we stood in the parade, my nemesis Candy Cane kept appearing right in front of me. She is just the worst. At one point, she was walking toward me with such purpose, I actually considered the possibility that she limp-storming over to slap me in the face, but then she changed directions right before walking into me and crossed the street. Henry saw this happen and thought it was hilarious but it put me in a bad mood, and really, I don’t need much help being put into a bad mood.

The whole parade was kind of pointless and I kept getting stuck behind broads pulling wagons stuffed with children behind them and I was just not built for walking at a parade pace. Luckily, it didn’t last very long and then it was award time. Funniest category was first, thank the lord! My threshold for rubbing elbows with neighbors is pretty non-existent and my head was starting to hurt from clenching my jaw.

Chooch was up against two kids that didn’t have shit on him, and a baby. Henry and I looked at other and cringed because we fucking hate each other, and also because we knew that the baby was going to win.

Because it’s a baby. Babies beat everyone.

So yeah, the baby dressed as a turnip won, but Chooch came in second! The idiot announcing the winners said, “And coming in second place, for $40,000….” and Chooch whipped his head toward us and mouthed, “OMG!” We were like, “No. No! Not $40,000. It was a JOKE.” Ugh.

But man, we’re still hearing about how he was defeated by a BABY.

“And how is a TURNIP funny?!” he cried the next day. I mean, I know. I get it.  People like us never win, my friend.

Maybe he should save this and wear it to the next horror convention.

I don’t know.

De-wigged, winnings in hand.

Sucks that this part was covered by Chooch, but Henry even had lights in the stereo so it looked real. TGFH*.

*(Thank God For Henry. Maybe that will be my next series of Henry pins!)

Chooch couldn’t even tie his shoes on his own with the stereo strapped to his back.  But between his cousin whacking at it with a machete and Chooch’s own natural clumsiness, one of the speakers broke again so he decided to just take it off after about an hour of trick-or-treating.  And then Henry tied Chooch’s wig back because it kept falling into his face, so at that point, he just looked like a vampire Michael Jackson.  But he had fun, and just enough people knew what he was to make it worth it.  And now I’m going back into retirement.

I’m so glad that I don’t have to put this in the “epic fail” category.

The guy who did my apple tattoo posted about Drawlloween on Instagram, which is basically a month of drawing prompts. Chooch enjoys drawing and when I showed this to him, he was pretty gung-ho about it.

I anticipated him to give up half way through, because that’s the True Oh Honestly Way.

But he made it all the way to the second to the last day before losing steam! He finally finished his last drawing today and it was the best one IF YOU ASK ME.

Anyway, here they are, because I told him I would and I only lie sometimes.
  

Somewhere around here I convinced him to use unlined paper, for god’s sake.
  

His amulet was inspired by The Monster Squad, obviously. And he combined grave and demon into one picture because “other people are doing that too!

” God, sorry for asking.

He was going to draw our neighbor Jackie for “witch” but forgot what she looked like. (He had a fight with her a few months ago and after she told him he’s a trouble maker, he blurted out that she’s a witch and we all had a good laugh about that later because who knew he could be so PG.)

His spider was REALLLLLY uninspired, but the dragon makes up for it, if you ask me.

Tell Chooch what you think!

This afternoon, I went to the Hollywood Theatre for a viewing of the La Dispute documentary “Tiny Dots.” It was nice to have some time alone, in the dark, some time to be still and quiet and just decompress, phone tucked away in my purse. The last few weeks have been exhausting. October in general was so exhausting, it was hard to enjoy it at times.

I had a ticket for the most recent show La Dispute played in Pittsburgh. It was sold out and I was really looking forward to it. And then that ended up being the day that Marcy died. I couldn’t even get out of bed that day, not even for a show. So, I didn’t go. I think that was only the second time in my life that I had a ticket for a show and didn’t use it.

It still hurts, you know? One day last week was National Cat Day and I’m sorry, but I had to stop looking at Facebook and Instagram that day because it was too hard. I didn’t want to see pictures of your cats.

But watching this film kind of inspired me. I left there wanting to write again.

I can’t remember when I last wrote something that wasn’t just a blog post or a product description on Etsy. Most days I feel like that ship has sailed, and I don’t feel like swimming after it.

(That song up there, though. My god. Even if you don’t care for this kind of music, you could probably relate to those words. So many of Jordan’s phrases just leave me stunned.)