Hello pigeons. (Is that insulting? I vaguely remember that there was some rap group that had a response to TLC’s No Scrubs called No Pigeons. So maybe I’ll take back that term of endearment.)

Anyway. We got up at 5am this morning in an attempt to leave the house by 6 for Newark.

I didn’t liveblog because I was tired – I had a hard time going to sleep last night and actually thought I was having a heart attack but I think it was just a panic attack from being so worked up the last few days.

So this weekend is very much needed like medicine.

The drive was largely boring and uneventful.

Here’s an obligatory truck stop selfie from some gas station that had religious people handing out brochures.

I got an email from the Prudential Center saying that merch would be set up at 9am and I wanted to try to get a light stick since they have been impossible to order beforehand because everything related to BTS is near-impossible to get anymore ugh popularity. It was a madhouse there and we originally were briefly in a two-hour long line just to have our pictures taken in front of that banner up there. UM HELL NO. We managed to grab a lightstick (all T-shirts and face signs were already sold out ugh, eBay here I come) and then went to check in to the hotel that’s NOT a Red Carpet Inn this time thank GOD. Just a basic Best Western but it’s clean and the guy at the desk was super friendly and normal so that was a good sign that this place was ok.

Until he asked us if we were excited for the Penn State game and Henry and I exchanged terrified looks like HOW TO ANSWER HOW TO ANSWER. Because we’re not a football household.

But on the plus side, now when Todd jokingly asks me what I thought of the game at work I can tell him that I actually knew they were playing.

Oh wait I think he asks me about Pitt all the time, never mind.

SAME STATE THOUGH.

Oh yeah, here’s Henry with a photo card of his bias Jimin that came with the light stick.

He was really starting to feel sad that he wasn’t attending the concert that night.

Chooch and I changed into our concert attire before heading out for a late lunch. I’m a dumb ass who chose to start a diet four days before going away for the weekend so that’s awesome. We’ll be in NYC for a Korean culture expo so I chose that as my fuck all day which means Chooch and Henry got stuck eating at a place called Art of Salad today LOLOL.

Chooch actually really enjoyed his custom salad but Henry had to finish that and also my smoothie bowl which was really good but just too much!

Henry really looks like a salad guy doesn’t he?

OK I have to go to bed. We’re getting up early again tomorrow and tomorrow will end with another kpop concert which is going to be interesting considering BTS took my voice with them.

(IT WAS SO GOOD. I DON’T KNOW HOW I WILL EVER RECAP IT!!)

What a week, huh? I worked from home yesterday and was off today so I was able to watch all of the Kavanaugh hearing in real time and to say that it fired me up is an understatement. When Henry came home from work today, I was curled up on the couch with a kid’s unicorn cape-blanket wrapped around me, crying and watching for the fiftieth time Senator Flake being cornered in an elevator by two sexual assault survivors.

“You need to turn this off!” Henry fathered, because he has had a first row seat watching my sanity wane.

We went for a walk last night and I ranted the whole way about how men always win and women always lose, and we’re so emotional and hysterical and we should just shut up and “it wasn’t full-blown rape so she should get over it, right boys?” and blah blah blah when we came upon a car that was parked on the sidewalk, THE WHOLE SIDEWALK, so we had to step into the street to walk around it, and as I stepped off the curb, I twisted my ankle enough to be enraged even more so I shouted and I do mean SHRIEKED, “I just hurt my ankle because I had to step off the curb!” and then when we got to the other side of the car and stepped back onto the sidewalk, there was a couple standing there looking at me with wide eyes, so I whispered to Henry, “Is that their car?” and he nodded, probably hoping that we could just gulp and quietly walk away….

…but NO, instead I was even more angry now and so I yelled to everyone and no one at once, “WELL THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE PARKED ON THE SIDEWALK!!!!!” and Henry was just like, “ohmygod” but you know what he didn’t say? He didn’t say, “Calm down.”

Thank you for not telling me to CALM DOWN, Henry.  OTHER MEN PROBABLY WOULD. Because if there’s one thing we learned from the Kavanaugh hearing, it’s that it’s OK for white privileged men to fly off the handle and shout in a shrill, hysterical tone because HE IS JUST DEFENDING HIMSELF SO HE IS ALLOWED TO BE PASSIONATE but if a woman does that, she is UNHINGED, TOO EMOTIONAL, UNFIT FOR THE JOB.

I’ve been thinking so much about high school, about the party at my house one spring date when a “friend” had me pinned against the laundry room wall and then later followed me into my bedroom and shit started to get real one-sided and grope-y (#boyswillbeboys right?) until two of my other guy friends figured out was going on and literally threw him out of my house, and I realize now that I was very lucky to have had guy friends back then who actually gave a shit, knew boundaries, wrong from right, and had respect for women.

I am doing everything in my power to make sure that my son is that kind of friend to women, too. That kind of friend to all people.

To the people out there who don’t think Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s allegations are “that bad” or “not really sexual assault,” let me tell you something. In the fall of my senior year of high school, I started dating this guy from a different high school. He never raped me. He never sexually assaulted me. But what he did do, on multiple occasions, was get extremely angry at me over small things and instinctively go for my neck.

Every time, his hands would go around my neck.

I can’t give you dates for each of these incidents. The most I can give you is that one time it happened toward the end of our relationship when we were 19 and I was living in my first apartment. He was waiting there for me to come home from work and had been going through my stuff. He found, in a box of old notes and stuff, a picture of me from a haunted house called Phantoms in the Park. I remember this picture clearly, because my friend Lisa took it: it was me and two of the guys who ran the haunt, in the fake “elevator.” One of them has his arm around me, and the other one was pretending like was going to kiss my cheek.

It was a haunted house. I wasn’t alone with these guys. At least two of my friends were there.

But he saw this picture and assumed that I was cheating on him. So he confronted me as soon as I came home and by “confronted me” I mean that he slammed me against the front door of my apartment and held me there with his hand against my throat.

I couldn’t breathe and thought I was going to die.

He eventually let go and then made like he was going to punch me, but he punched the door next to my head instead, and then left.

No, I didn’t call the police. It didn’t seem like this was something “bad enough” to warrant police involvement.

I did call his mom though because, as is anyone in an abusive relationship, I was mind-controlled and manipulated into feeling guilty and I stupidly worried about him and wanted to let him mom that he was presumably on his way home and very upset.

She blamed me.

She said that I provoked him to be like this. That he didn’t have any problems until he met me.

It was my fault. I really started to believe that.

When Dr. Ford talked about Brett Kavanaugh covering her mouth with his hand, I was triggered. I have always been sensitive about my neck/throat since then, but it wasn’t until later in my 20s when I looked back on this and realized just how fucked up it was. And that’s when I started having nightmares that I was dating him again, running from him, hiding from him. I have talked to Henry about this but it’s not something that I walk around telling everyone.

As hard as it was to listen to Dr. Ford’s account of what happened to her that night, I heard her. She deserved to be heard by everyone in this country. Every survivor deserves to be heard.

What I’m getting at is that you don’t “get over” things like this. You might not think about them every day, but maybe you flinch when someone comes at you fast, or maybe you feel like you’re going to have a panic-attack when you have to walk back to your car alone late at night. Maybe you have trust issues or nightmares or crippling anxiety. But one thing is for sure: it stays with you, it will always be with you. And this horror story of an administration is exacerbating a lot of painful memories for a lot of fucking people.

I am not a hugger, but I want to wrap my arms around everyone out there who has experienced any sort of abuse or assault. So many of my friends have been posting their stories on twitter and to all of them, I am sorry.  I’m sick to my stomach and stressed the fuck out at how quickly our voices are muffled and our stories are dismissed.

November is coming.

Hi guys! I’ve been thinking a lot about the fast-rising popularity of BTS over here in America and while I am of course super stoked for them (and also 3 parts smug that something I have been trying to get my friends into has broken into the mainstream *blows on nails like it was all my doing* haha), I thought this would be a great opportunity to promote some of the other just-as-lovely Kpop boy bands that are working their asses off to bring us the quality bops & jams, daydream fodder, and music video masterpieces. (In Kpop land, we just call those MVs. Look, I taught you something!)

I have probably pimped a lot of these boys out on here over the last two years, but it’s always worth a revisit! I’m going to include two videos for each group and that’s not necessarily to say they’re my favorites, but mainly just the ones that I think would be a good introduction. Just be prepared to fall down the rabbit hole, and if you’re an obsessive personality like me, you’ll come out the other side straight into Korea. Aigoo.

(If you’re already a Kpop fan and don’t see your fave groups here, don’t kill me! There’s a ton more I wanted to include but then we’d be here all day and night!)

1. EXO

These guys are arguably the biggest group in Korea at the moment, yes some would say even bigger and more well-loved than BTS, and this is all without having a single comeback since last summer. No, I mean LAST summer. 2017. Their fans are loyal AF! They’re constantly getting compared to BTS though and maybe it’s just because both groups debuted within a year of each other, but I really think that it’s apples and oranges. EXO can come off having a more late-90s R&B vibe, which really appeals to me. For starters, let’s listen to Ko Ko Bop and a live performance of The Eve so you can get a better feel for their beautiful choreo:

EXO is rumored to be working on a comeback here soon and I know at least one of my friends is chomping at the bit over this! It’s been a long time coming, so it should be exciting!

2. BIGBANG

So if EXO is arguably the biggest group in Korea, then BIGBANG takes the crown for Kings of Asia. You guys know that this is my ultimate #1, my hard stan of all stans, and that their leader G-Dragon is my forever-bias, so you might already know some of their music! BIGBANG had their last comeback toward the end of 2016, and then one of their members, TOP, enlisted in the military soon after. Three more enlisted last winter, and a single was released shortly after, which dominated every chart without a single ounce of promotions – that’s the power of BIGBANG. They still have one member left to enlist, their maknae Seungri, so we probably won’t see a BIGBANG comeback until 2020 (tears just spontaneously sprung from my eyes), but luckily YouTube is a freaking vault of BIGBANG history so maybe take a day off and dive in? That’s just my suggestion. I’ll even write you a doctor’s excuse.

OK, let’s start with my favorite video. I love the colors, the clothes, and of course the song. I think it’s the most easily-accessible one too, for anyone not familiar with Kpop. This was one of the few that all my co-workers all agreed was “surprisingly OK.” That’s practically a gold stamp!

Fun fact: I couldn’t read Korean yet when this video first came out, and then a long time later, I learned that each of their names is hidden in the background of certain scenes, and it was one of the best, most satisfying feelings when I went back and was able to read it!

This next BIGBANG video is maybe their most popular one? I’m not a big statistic person, so I’m just making shit up as I go along, but let’s just say my words are loosely-based on half-assed google searches. Anyway, this was the first BIGBANG song I ever heard, without realizing it was going to someday change (wreck?) my life, back when I first got into KpopX Fitness in 2015. I almost passed out after that workout video!

OK, if I don’t give myself a two-video limit, I’ll end up just posting their entire video collection here and you don’t want that – OR DO YOU.

3. SHINee

My #2 group! SHINee makes my heart go so soft, and now I’m tearing up just thinking about how much I treasure them. It’s also hard to find the words, and I think I’m going to break my rule and post more than just two videos for them because they’re worth it, and they’re worth your time. I promise! My #2 bias is the maknae (youngest) of this group, beautiful, precious Taemin. SHINee makes me so happy and sad all at once, because I can’t listen to them, think of them, see pictures of them, without thinking of Jonghyun, their member who took his life last December. I have never been that affected by a celebrity death before and it has been a rough time. So I want to include some videos from when they were five members, and then one from now, when they’re four +1 in spirit. Because they’ll always be five.

Let’s start with their debut video! There is this one recent live performance of Replay where Jonghyun is straight sobbing uncontrollably and this song never made me feel sad until I saw that. So now I sometimes have to skip it when it comes up on my playlist. :(

Taemin was like 15 there!

And this is one of my all-time SHINee favorites; it has such a mature sound and they all look so beautiful:

And because I love their live performances so much, here’s a recent one for a single of their first comeback as a four-member group (I can’t imagine the strength and courage that took):

I watched all of their comeback performances for this song constantly for weeks last June and it 100% brainwashed Chooch, who would walk around the house mindlessly humming it and probably had his dreams soundtracked to it, too.

Their leader, Onew, will be enlisting in the military very soon, so I feel very blessed that they treated us to so many MVs and promotions this year. Long live SHINee. <3 (You can tell me if you don’t like anything on this list today but NOT IF IT’S SHINEE because I am super protective of them and I’ll likely take out my anger on Henry SO THINK OF HENRY.)

OK FINE here’s a bonus Jonghyun solo video:

Ugh, the talent. </3

Please support SHINee. They have given so much of themselves to us.

4. Got7

SUPER UNDERRATED in my opinion, you guys. This boy group is so much fun to watch and they are just consistently great. They’re Chooch’s favorite Kpop group (Bam Bam is his bias) so he’s been pretty happy these last two weeks because they just had a comeback with Lullaby! Also, if you’re into fun facts about members, they’re a multi-ethnic group which I think is so cool because diversity: Mark is Taiwanese but from the US, Bam Bam is Thai, and Jackson is from Hong Kong. You’d have to ask Chooch if you want more facts about them, but I’ll tell you that my Got7 bias is Youngjae.

We’ll start with Hajima, because that’s the first Got7 song I ever heard (yes, courtesy of KpopX Fitness, thank you!) and it definitely stuck with me. Also, listening to this song now makes me realize that I have somehow learned more Korean than I thought?! And here’s one of those complimentary fun facts: the girl in the beginning of this video is Dahyun from Twice (I love her):

“Hajima” was one of the first Korean words I learned (after oppa, probably, lol) and I love to scream it at the cats.

And here’s their newest MV for Lullaby – look how much they’ve grown! I think the choreo is so tight for this song (if that’s your jam, check out one of their music show performances for all of it!) (Also, that’s my bias in the green pants lol.)

5. Pentagon

It was hard for me to choose a #5 because there are so many incredible and deserving groups out there right now – like Astro, who I will be seeing this Sunday but I just shared several of their videos last week so I figured I would give this spot to another group. I went with Pentagon because they need all the support they can get right now. I mentioned this on here recently, but one of the members, E’Dawn, has been essentially removed from the group after admitting that he’s been dating Hyuna, a solo artist from the same agency. It’s a major Korean scandal, yo. And other one of their members, Yanan, has been sitting out recent promotions due to health issues, so they just had their comeback as an 8-member group and it breaks my heart. These guys have such quirkiness, so much palpable energy, and loads of talent (they write their own songs, Kpop isn’t always that mass-produced hit-factory that it’s often mistaken for).

I’m gonna give you guys three Pentagon vids too because over here at Oh Honestly, Erin, we be makin’ rules just to break ’em. First up is “Shine” and if you don’t immediately smile when this one starts, then congratulations, you’re dead. (E’Dawn is the very first one shown, in case you were wondering. And yes, he’s my Pentagon bias. #GDragonVibes)

Isn’t this just one of the most joyful things you’ve ever witnessed? Chooch and I were screaming our faces off for them at KCON last June.

This next song came out a year ago and went largely unnoticed which is insane to me because the MV is dreamy and the song is strong as fuck.

Lastly, here’s a live performance of their latest E’Dawn-less and Yanan-less song, Naughty Boy. (There is a really great explanation video for this song by one of my favorite YouTube channels, DKDK, and I highly recommend it if you’re interested in learning about the creative word-play that obviously falls short on us English speakers and some insight on how Korean culture and social issues inspired the meaning behind this song, because it’s way deeper than just a quirky bop.)

Please support Pentagon! Watch their videos on YouTube, buy their albums, listen to them on Spotify – just give them your love! They’re going through some shit right now.

Honorary mentions: IKON, Ace, NCT (there are various subgroups for this one and they are all worthy of your ears!), Stray Kids, Monsta X, Seventeen and SF9.

****

And there we go, something to hopefully help you get through a boring work day, some new jams for  your workout playlist, or just some overall intensely sugared eye candy! If you found something you like, let me know! And let me know if you like these kinds of music round-up posts and I will try to do them once or twice a month!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and scream in a pillow because we’re seeing BTS on Saturday and I’m just ready for this. I’M NOT READY!

Like pretty much everyone in  this country it seems, I have been interested in true crime for as long as I can remember. But my first true “killer” love was Lizzie Borden. I mean, her story had it all: the Victorian setting, the gruesome crime scenes, the mystery and intrigue, the…pears.

One of the greatest things Henry ever did for me was take me to Fall River, Massachusetts for my birthday in 2003 and we stayed overnight at the Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast. It was…SO FUCKING SCARY.  I mean, nothing obtusely paranormal happened to us, but aside from the summer caretaker (Mike, whom I learned several years ago perished in a house fire!!) we were the only guests there on that hot summer night.

It was one of the coolest experiences, even though this was back when Henry and I fought constantly because he was trying to hard to domesticate me.

Years later, we went back with Chooch. We didn’t stay overnight, but we did take a tour and visit the cemetery. Chooch was super interested and well-behaved during the whole tour so I was like TAKE THAT to the people on the tour with us who silently judged our decision to bring our  7-year-old but joke’s on them because he’s an ax-murderer too.

LOL sike j/k.

Recreating the crime scene.

So all of this is a big lead-in for my new serial killer birthday card! I know, I know, Lizzie isn’t exactly a serial killer, but she’s definitely an American horror icon so I do tend to include her occasionally in my cards. I felt it was fitting to have her play the role of the matriarch at the kid’s birthday party in my latest card, though, and I am so giddy about it! I think that this is my current favorite design in the non compos collection and I hope that my customers love it as much as I do.

The gang’s all here waiting for Lizzie to serve them up a scoop of sherbet! Can you name them all?

I felt that the image on this card was good enough and didn’t need to be cluttered with text, so I stuck with a simple “Happy Birthday” and then a short sentiment on the inside.

Serve this sucker up to your favorite murderino on their next birthday!

Or if you know someone who is just strictly a Lizzie lover, might you consider this festive design?

It’s a little known, oft-glossed over fact that Lizzie Borden was a gold medalist in the Fall River Birthday Cake Cutting Olympics. Funny how no one cared about her deft, hatchet-wielding prowess until she advanced from cakes to craniums.

Now we can help teach the world about Lizzie’s non-murderous talents, one birthday card at a time. THANK GOD.

This educational card comes with an envelope, because the last time I tried to mail something in an eggshell, it never made it.

(This is not true. I feel obliged to clarify because the last time I posted this on the socials, someone asked if it was true. I mean, maybe? But probably not  because I’m pretty sure I just cooked it up in my head because I have lots of empty space up there.)

The card has an inside and this is it.

I also have these fancy and sophisticated Lizzie note cards, the first note card set I ever offered in my shop! These are great for when you feel like practicing your calligraphy or owe your death row pen pal a letter but ran out of sheaths of the pig skin you would normally use.

“Pig.”

And I’ll leave you with this vintage snap of Henry reenacting the Borden crime scene during our overnight stay – look at him, still swathed in nondescript duds even back in 2003!

OK guys, this has been my Lizzie Borden interlude. Carry on.

I used to ride my bike past Franklin’s Bar every day on my way home from school. Sometimes we’d drive past it in mom’s car if we were going to the grocery store in the next town over, where no one would see Mom purchase large quantities of laxatives. My best friend Stacy and I would sit on the stoop across from it in the summer, drinking slushies from the convenience store down the street and watching angry wives stomp inside and pull out their hammered husbands by cinched skin.

Franklin dated Dad’s cousin for a while, so sometimes we’d have birthday parties in the bar’s back room and I would dream of the day I could walk in, sit at the bar, and have fat men buy me drinks.

No, not really. I hated that place. It was smoky and the men reeked of beef jerky and a mysterious film coated the surface of every table. Franklin was a vile pig who would shove his hand down my mom’s shirt when Dad wasn’t looking and I rejoiced the day cousin Margie dumped him and we went back to celebrating birthdays and promotions and straight As down the street at the VFW.

Back then, if you would have told me that Franklin’s was where I’d meet the man I was going to rape, I’d have laughed at you. Then kicked your ass.

But something made me go in there that night last week. Something made me pop open more buttons than usual and something made me wink at that traveling salesman sitting in a corner booth with a briefcase and lonely eyes. His breath was malodorous, like a fecal sausage wrapped in garlicky cabbage, and his effeminate hands were marred with paper cuts and hangnails.

His once-white clothes now had the dirty yellow hue of coffee-stained enamel and a slight stench of a foreign fishing village wafted from his pits.

But still, something made me want to try out my new vagina.

The salesman was now idly snapping a rubber band wrapped around the handle of his briefcase.

In fourth grade, Stacy and I eavesdropped on her older brother and his friends, embroiled in a heated debate. One of the boys had his index finger extended; it was red and swollen under the pressure of a rubber band. Stacy’s brother pulled the slack taut and made to wrap it around once more.

“If you wrap it too tight, it’ll fall off!” his friend wailed, snatching back his hand.

I took the salesman back to his motel room, under the pretense of wanting to see the sea shell clocks he was peddling. He gave off the distinct impression that he was not well versed in the song of sex, averting his eyes any time my cleavage got too close, and emitting a sickly wheeze from his nostrils any time I’d touch him. I think, through his thick Slavic accent, that he was trying to say no, but I stuffed a broken sea shell into his flapping mouth.

I left him laying there naked on the bed when I had finished. Rummaging through my purse, I found the perfect way to cap off the evening.

I wrapped the rubberband tightly around his penis, laughing as he howled.

“They say if you wrap it too tight, it’ll fall off,” I whispered, pulling it back for one last snap. I didn’t stay to find out because I was about to be late for my soup-ladling gig at the shelter.

He never got to find out either, before I shot him in the head.

***

(This is a repost of an old story I wrote back when I used to write old stories.)

(Chooch just read this and said he didn’t like it AT ALL and that it ruined his childhood, lol.)

Here is a lazy day bullet-point round-up. Remember when I used to write real blog posts? ME EITHER.

• Chooch texted me the other day with the best news ever: BROOKLINE AMATEUR CAR MECHANIC IS MOVING! This is the guy who lives on the other side of Hot Naybor Chris so in a perfect world, I shouldn’t have beef with him but we all share a big driveway between the houses and he takes up 75% of it with his collection of junkmobiles that he obsessively monkey-wrenches. Is that even a thing? I DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T CARE. The point is, he has only lived here for three years and has successfully usurped more than his fair share ALSO HE IGNORES ME WHEN I SAY HELLO and I am the motherfucking OG of this street so he can get fucked, basically is what I’m trying to summarize here for you in case you don’t feel like clicking that linky-link up there. But yeah, it’s true! I came home from work on Thursday and there was a U-Haul in the driveway and now he and his dumb wife and baby-child are gonezo! See ya never, assholes!
• • I asked Henry if he thinks that now he will be able to regain his bromance status with HNC but of course Henry barked, “WE DID NOT HAVE A BROMANCE” but come on, you can’t tell me that he wasn’t bothered, not even a little bit, when this mechanic d-bag moved in and started drinking brewskis with HNC. “WE ARE NOT REALLY FRIENDS OK WE ARE JUST NEIGHBORS AND IF I SEE HIM I SAY HELLO. YOU ARE READING TOO MUCH INTO THIS” except if Henry was typing that, “too” would have been “to” so this was not a very authentic dialogue recap.
• • • Speaking on HNC, he made a cameo photobomb in this picture!!

I sent it to my friend Alyson straightaway because she is one of the few people who understands the greatness of HNC. Immediately she wanted to know what he was doing lurking by the garbage and I guessed that maybe he was taking inventory in case his garbage is stolen again!

• This is a very thing to feel inadequate about, but I was thinking recently that I wish I drank more. Almost all of my friends are super into beer and I struggled for years to acquire a taste for it. I did eventually get to the point where I can finish one glass/bottle if I put forth my best effort, but the truth is, I just don’t really care much for drinking. I guess I should be proud of that fact but at the same time, I want to “fit in” more with my friends who are all about going to breweries and getting excited for this season’s pumpkin beers. But I can think of a million other things I would rather do than sit in a fucking uppity brewhouse or get pushed around at a craft beer festival. I think I have to just finally admit defeat and accept my fate as a (mostly) non-drinker. Like that’s a bad thing or something.
• LOOK AT MY NEW SHOWER CURTAIN. It will be here next week, and I can’t wait:
• Can we talk about gray hairs for a minute? I know I’m at that point in my life where I should be freaking out because I’m certainly not young anymore, and look, I’m not blind: I see you staring at the gray hairs on top of my head when we’re talking and it takes everything in my power to not scream MY EYES ARE DOWN HERE. But fuck dying my hair, man! I know that for many people, going to the salon is a treat and it’s relaxing, etc. But I never really liked it because it was like 2-3 hours out of my day that I could be doing something more productive, more fun, more my speed. I do not like sitting! That’s why I can’t even write blog posts in one sitting anymore! I need to move. I started getting gray hairs in my late 20s and I always blamed motherhood on that because Chooch was such a wild child, lol. But I was consistently going to the salon back then and getting highlights so they were never noticeable. Now they are and I don’t care about that at all but it seems like everyone else does and it’s really bizarre to me, like why is the color of my hair so distracting?! Aside from that and the fact that every tiny ache I get these days makes me panic (last week I was convinced I had an air bubble in my carotid artery and that my hip is breaking), I still feel eternally young. I still get excited about things. Dumb shit still makes me laugh. I still make lists of all the haunted houses I want to go to. I still have schoolgirl crushes and maniacal obsessions. And most importantly, I still have a shit-ton of energy, probably even more than I did in my 20s. So who cares about age and some gray hairs?! It’s so weird to me!
• I use this app called Job Spotter where you submit pictures of help wanted signs for points, and then you can cash in the points for an Amazon gift card. Each point you get is the equivalent of one cent, and the average submission can be between 60-90 points, and I’ve even had some that were over 100! It sounds like a stupid thing, but for as much walking around I do, it gives me a mission, you know? I finally cashed in my points and I was so excited, but then I pissed around for weeks because I am so non-committal when it comes to shopping. There wasn’t anything that I super needed at that time, and I kept adding and removing things from the cart. I was using Henry’s Amazon account because he has Prime, and one day he said, “Your CosRX face wash will be here today,” and I said, “But I didn’t order anything yet?” Apparently, there was a price drop and he was tired of me pussy-footing around so he just ordered it – HOW FUCKING SWEET OF HIM! Then I realized that we’re always getting so much enjoyment out of watching Drew run through the tunnel we got her for Christmas last year, so I decided to look for an upgrade, and I found this cute tunnel/tent doohickey (see below), so I hurried up and bought it with my gift card, and that’s how I realized that I actually do have the ability to be selfless, in spite of all the times throughout my life people have told me that I only care about myself! It was due to be delivered last Sunday, and I was so antsy, looking out the front door every ten minutes, asking Henry to check the delivery updates, finally demanding that we leave the house for awhile because I needed to get my mind off of it, and then finally that evening it was there on the porch! DREW LOVES IT! Penelope won’t go in it but we never expected her to.

• Oooh, I just found out that Henry is making jjajangmyeon for dinner and I am so excited that I got up and did a weird fake cheerleader kick-thing and now I’m worried about my hip again.
• I was watching a video of these people in some adult ball-pit in Korea and immediately pictured Henry doing an awkward belly-flop in it, and then I had terrible flashbacks to feeling like I was going to drown in the Chuck E Cheese ball pits when I was a kid and so I recounted that feeling to Henry, that helpless “running-in-place” sensation as your socked-feet slid against the slippery pit-lining, the inevitable chin-smack off the balls (LOL, what a visual) and Henry said, “I don’t know about any of that. We didn’t have ball-pits when I was a kid.” WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY TO ME!? Henry is so old, lol (says the person who was just jawing off a few bullets back about how age doesn’t matter, god I love myself).
• Chooch had to do another stupid “All About Me” poster for school because he has the same communications teacher again much to all of our chagrin, and I was so touched that he used a quote from Taemin!!

• I just want everyone to know that I Retweeted a video clip of Taemin on Twitter and BARB replied that he is truly one gorgeous young man. I THINK BARB HAS ONE FOOT ON THE KPOP WAGON.  Don’t worry, I’ll keep working on her.
• Stupid mechanic neighbor was back today getting more stuff out of the house and I super-loudly and passive-aggressively said to Henry, “I CAN’T WAIT TO NOT SAY GOODBYE TO THAT PERSON JUST LIKE HE NEVER SAID HELLO TO ME IN THE LAST THREE YEARS” and Henry gave me the “Why are you like this?” frown.
• Today on our walk, I told Henry that I think I’m super underrated and he was like OMG this is why you have no friends.
• • Somewhere, Janna is nodding.
• Last Friday night, Chooch was looking at one of my paintings and said he only knew Nigel Lithgow from So You Think You Can Dance, and Jeffrey Dahmer. So I was naming the rest of them and when he said he didn’t know who Barbra Streisand was, I knew at that moment that I had failed him as a mom so we stopped everything and I made him watch Babs videos and then Babs and Barry Gibbs, and Chooch was like, “I HAVE NOT HEARD OF ANY OF THESE SONGS, SORRY” and then I was like “WHAT ABOUT ANDY GIBB” and that’s why when Henry came home from the store, he looked horrified because apparently you could hear Everlasting Love from across the street and Chooch was like, “I tried to stop her” and I was jumping around scream-singing and yammering about the time Janna and I were blasting that song in her car and I got out at a red light in the middle of Liberty Avenue downtown and started dancing to it and guys on the sidewalk were like YEAH GIRL and Janna screamed, “GET BACK IN THE CAR ERIN BEFORE PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE A PROSTITUTE” and we both just recently agreed that it was the funniest nights ever, sorry I guess you had to be there.
• CHOOCH HATES CUCUMBER AND ZUCCHINI BECAUSE THEY TASTE DISGUSTING, UGH!
• • Speaking of Chooch, he got sucked into a new k-drama I’m watching, “Devilish Joy,” and Henry is all downtrodden about it because we started watching it without him so NOW HE DOESN’T WANT TO WATCH IT ALL! But then he sat down last night and started watching it, so.
• • • My goal is that Chooch will be inspired to dress like chaebol sons. But considering he thought he could go to school wearing too-small pants with a hole on the crotch the other day, I think it may take more than one drama.
• And now for the most important bullet of them: FUCK BRETT KAVANAUGH. And fuck all the spineless piece of shit Republicans who are going to make sure he still gets sworn in.

Well guys, I just have to make it through this work week and then it’s an ALL KPOP WEEKEND! Grateful for things to look forward to, always. <3

It’s been a while since I did a good, wholesome work update so here I am to regale your day with two Law Firm stories.

1. Bob Ross the Processor, or Bob (p)Ross(essor)

Remember sometime last winter or spring when Amber decided that we needed a pet for our group and she bought us a Bob Ross chia pet and then somehow it became my responsibilty to grow him except that I had no means of measuring water or seeds and I had three different people telling me what to do so that the end result was a terra cotta head with fur on it and by fur I do mean mold? Yeah, that’s what happened to Bobby.

And he just sat on a windowsill for months behind Cathy, and we all made jokes about how we hoped he wasn’t going to  make us sick with his poison coif. Then, a few weeks ago, my mom bought Chooch a chia pet that’s a zombie arm protruding from the earth, and I was stunned to see that it sprouted hearty green growths in the span of one weekend. I noted that the packet of chia seeds wasn’t empty so I asked Henry if he would perform surgery if I brought Bob home and he mumbled something about how he doesn’t know why I even bother asking him when I’m just going to make him do it anyway and that is how Bob Ross ended up on my back porch for a week, being reborn.

Also!? Henry fucked up and didn’t slather the seeds on all the way so Bob ended up having a bald spot on the back of his head. I was worried about this because I felt like my co-workers would use this as a way of still holding the Failure of Bob Ross against me. We didn’t have any seeds yet, but we DID have regular chia seeds, the kinds that you sprinkle on yogurt or whatever for health benefits, so he used some of that AND IT WORKED? I guess I don’t know why I didn’t think it would work, like maybe the Chia Pet chia seeds are special, but yeah, you guys, if you have some type of terra cotta object and a bag of chia seeds for your effing smoothie, you can make a chia whatever-your-object-is.

Of course, this brought up the terrifying question of, “OMG DOES IT DO THAT IN MY STOMACH!?” But Henry said no.

So now, Bob with the Good Hair is back in our office and everyone is super excited about it.

Yesterday though, we had a fleet of Suits walk through the department and Lauren said one of them lingered long enough to say, “huh. Interesting.” She was too nervous to turn around to see what was happening but she knew it had to be something of mine because I have my international candy shop on the counter behind her desk and a collection of religious Glenns. But Todd and Glenn were watching and said he was looking at Bob. When I saw Lauren later that day she said she was about to be super pissed if she got in trouble for something behind her when it’s all my stuff lolol and that reminded me of the time I decorated people’s offices for Halloween and Patrick got in trouble from Facilities because I used erasable markers to write on his glass wall but NEWS FLASH that shit doesn’t wipe off of frosted glass. Just in case you were ever wondering. Now there’s an office on our floor that had the alphabet written on the glass door, a la Stranger Things, forever.

2. Amputee Hootenanny

It all started the other day when I misread “Automation Anywhere” as “Amputation Anywhere.” At first it made my limbs tingle, but then I remembered one of my old sock puppet LiveJournals: “AmputatedLeg.”

Yeah, it was literally just me writing a diary from the POV of an amputated leg named Sam. I couldn’t stop laughing alone at  my desk so I stupidly went over to tell Glenn about it, and his face became the perfect intersection of Amused and Horrified.

“Seek help,” he said as I walked away, doubled over in laughter.

Back at my desk, I decided to look up  that old journal and relive old times, except that it came up as SUSPENDED. What?? Why?! I thought maybe it was because of inactivity but the fake journal I had for Janna (pelvic_exam) is still there and that one was WAY worse.

Luckily, I still have the icon I  made for that Sam’s journal, so that’s a relief.

Today, Glenn asked me if I found my missing leg, because of course went over to cry about the journal suspension when I found out about it. I told him that I didn’t, and Todd was like, “What are you talking about” so I had to explain it to him and he was just like, *blank stare for days*.

“All I remember is that his name was Sam and he was dating a drug addict named Rita,” I sighed.

It was a dark journal.

“Oh OK, so Rita was also an amputated leg?” Todd asked, trying to pretend like he was in a normal conversation.

“No, she was a whole person,” I scoffed, like come on Todd. Le duh.

“Of course she was,” Glenn muttered at his desk.

Todd asked if I could email LiveJournal to get them to lift the suspension, and this just added a new layer to things.

“Well, the thing is, I’m not sure which email address I used to register that journal,” I started slowly.

“So just use all of them until you find the right one,” Todd shrugged.

“Yeah…..” I started slowly. “The thing is, back then, I had like over 100 email addresses.

”

Glenn turned around for this one and Todd practically screamed, “What? Why!?”

“Well, remember back when Gmail was a new thing, you had to like, be invited to use it? Someone would have to  give you a code?”

Todd said he remembered that.

“So, it was like a game for me to see how many I could accumulate,” I admitted, and Glenn grumbled, “Of course it was.”

Later on, I was telling Henry this. “Remember when I had all those email addresses?!” I cried giddily.

“Uh, yeah. You didn’t tell them what they were, did you?

” he asked, just a hint of trepidation in his tone.

“LOL god no. Remember how I had a whole STD email series?”

Henry just sighed.

I mean, in my defense, I didn’t have a kid yet and I was unemployed. So….

Wow man wow, we’ve been busy over in our sweatshop, updating the line of killer birthday cards. It’s been a long while since I showed them off on here, so let’s give these babies their moment in the sun, shall we?

******************

The gang’s all here to wish someone a killer birthday! Ed Kemper, Aileen Wuornos, Albert Fish, Ed Gein, and Jeffrey Dahmer all came out to play, donning festive accouterments, to make this card as chillingly cheerful as possible. This card is perfect for all the true crime creeps in your life, innocent friends you love to scare, or an in-law that you really effing hate! I mean, when you care enough to send the very best, am I right?

The inside is blank so you can let your creativity go hog-wild…or keep the creativity hog-tied and just sign your name. Hey, you bought the card. Do what you want!

Comes with an envelope. Fill it with crime-related newspaper clippings!

Here’s what people are saying about it:

I sent this card to my mother-in-law and now she never comes to our house anymore. Thank you, non compos cards!

Kathy Kanooplepoop – Carbuncle, Colorado

Click here to purchase!

Nothing like sending a shiver down someone’s spine on their birthday, and what better way to do so than with this sinister BTK card, complete with a bound piece of cake?

I mean….um, kake.

Hey, poetic license, OK?

Super great story about BTK: Sometime back in 2000 or 2001, I became obsessed with this guy who was friends with my birth dad and was with him the night he died back in 1983. THIS STORY IS SO GREAT ALREADY RIGHT.

Anyway, dude’s name was Dennis Rader and all I knew was that he moved out of state sometime after my dad’s accident so I got out the trusty WHITE PAGES and called every Dennis Rader in that damn book, looking for the one who knew my dad. I talked to several of them but none turned out to be the right one. However, years later after BTK was caught, I realized he had the same name as my dad’s friend and IT WAS HIM.

No sike my dad wasn’t friends with BTK but the whole point of this story is that maybe one of the Dennis Raders I spoke with that day was BTK.

Can’t wait to tell this story to my future grandchildren and then teach them the definition of “anticlimactic.” (I did eventually meet up with the Dennis Rader who knew my dad and he was pretty creepy too and low key hit on me the whole time so that was great.)

This card comes with an envelope, so you can include a stocking or rope-snipping for that extra punch.

Here’s what people are saying about this card:

I’m a cannibal and wanted my serial killer name to also be BTK for “butter the kids” but this d-bag beat me to the name so now I’m just “that guy down the street who eats people.”  Anyway, I bought this card for my niece because she likes lassoing cake.

Percival Peoplevore – Skintown, Nebraska

Click here to purchase!

Recently I realized that I didn’t have any Charles Manson birthday cards, and for a regular Etsy card shop, that would probably be a weird realization, but just a normal think tank conclusion over here at non compos cards. I added the happy birthday to the inside of the card, but you can use this for any grand occasion such as: devil’s night, the celebration of a divorce, a Beatles listening party…I don’t know, it’s late and I can’t think of anything else but I trust that my customers are creative treasure chests.

I designed this card while the sweetest Kpop was playing on the TV behind me, such strange juxtaposition.

Anyway, this card comes with an envelope and I just had a flashback to when I was deep in the pen pal scene and we used to call them “envies.” Don’t be jealous of my past.

Click here to purchase!

Have you ever wondered if serial killers were able to slice a birthday cake or cut up a piece of (non-human) meat without being triggered? Anyway, here’s a delightful Ed Kemper birthday card to wish any of your loved ones a slayful day.

(Funny cake-related story that just came to mind as I’m sitting here writing this before work: when I was a teenager, I hated my stepdad so much. The whole family was going to my grandparents’ house one day for some lame birthday cookout for him and I was in charge of carrying the cake. Like, how dumb was my mom. So my grandparents only lived two houses up from us and the cake wasn’t heavy by any means, but I just had this urge to flip the box off my hands and it landed upside down in the yard, and I dramatically said, “oops.” I got in so much trouble but it was worth it. That smashed cake was the best cake I’ve ever eaten.)

(My stepdad and I get along fine now. I know you were wondering.)

(And he would’ve done the same thing to me if he had the opportunity.)

(Sorry this didn’t have more violence in it.)

(Comes with an envelope.)

Here’s what people are saying about this card:

Every time I look at this card, I think it’s a picture of Dad when he was younger.

My Kid (yes I have a kid, yes I know that’s scary)

Click here to purchase!

I mean, who wouldn’t want the deliriously smirking face of Aileen Wuornos greeting them on their birthday? Well, aside from johns all over the world. True story: I used to be something of a serial hitchhiker-picker-upper in my younger years because I had some kind of subconscious death wish, I guess. But the ONLY time I was EVER scared and paranoid was when I picked up my first and only woman hitchhiker. It was one of the few times I had a friend with me when engaging in these illicit pre-Uber sessions, so this broad was in the backseat and something about the way she was jangling her keys really made my spine tingle and she really did have a Wuornos-esque vibe to her. Supposedly her car had broken down but I could have been driving her away from a crime scene for all I know – SHE WAS SUPER TWITCHY AND SKETCHY. We kept making eye contact in my rear view mirror and I just now had a chill thinking about it even though it’s been nearly 20 years.

Anyway, here I am, alive to tell the tale and then I started dating Henry a/k/a my shop helper & moral compass shortly after this and he was like, “Did no one seriously ever tell you not to pick up hitchhikers?!” So yeah, moral of the story is “don’t pick up hitchhikers” and if you do, probably not a good idea to pay them for sex either.

(I also used to have house parties and invite in strangers straight off the street; see also my BTK note card listing where I talk about being dropped on my head as a kid.)

Yeah boi, back to the card! It comes with an envelope. Slip in a gift card for a cafe as a shout out to the cup of coffee Aileen requested as her last meal.

Click here to purchase!

If this card doesn’t just positively EXCRETE enthusiasm, then I guess I need to go back to fifth grade and retake my vocab tests. This card is perfect for any of those true crime aficionados in your life, you know the ones who call in sick to work because they can’t stop watching Forensic Files? We all know someone like that.

This card comes with an envelope, but no ammo.

Here’s what people are saying about this card:

I needed a good card to go with the Satanic talking dog that I got for my nephew’s 3rd birthday. This really complemented that rapid canine well. However, half of my brother’s neighborhood has since been massacred and I’ve been asked to come in to the station for questioning, so.

Morgan Maplebitch – Hell, Michigan

Click here to purchase card, but not talking dog!

And that’s all for now, my freaks & geeks. Soon I’ll be working on revamping some of the older Christmas card designs and I’ll probably have a giveaway for that, so check back!

Wow, what a classic combo. Ice cream and laundry. That was our Sunday, ya’ll! Here are some pictures of us doing those things, taken with my phone and also the “good camera” that I always forget to use because I half-ass everything I do in life. That’s the ERK-way!

I made the poor choice of going to Al’s Cone Zone which would have been fine had I not seen their sign boasting PUMPKIN SPICE SOFT SERVE IS BACK. I wasn’t even feeling particularly pumpkin-y on Sunday, but there I was, standing in front of the order window, hearing myself slow-mo slurring the words, “Pumpkin ice cream cone, juseyo” and being served some frozen chemical sludge inside a cone.

Oh it looks pretty, sure! But it tasted like how a pumpkin Yankee Candle smells and I just couldn’t get down with it, no pumpkin patch square dances for us, this cone and I were over before we started, aniyo aniyo aniyo, etc.

Luckily, I have a sucker of a boyfriend who promptly traded his regular-tasting twist for my frozen fall cologne cone.

But the whole point was, I don’t know, FAMILY TIME or something. Chooch is at that age where he’d rather just stay home alone or go to the dumb Teen Center than be seen with two old heads, so I guess we should have felt #blessed that he even joined us. Whatever! I’m still cooler than he’ll ever be.

Later, we joined dumb Henry at the laundromat because I felt like doing a photoshoot but Henry was like IT IS SUNDAY EVENING, THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE and he was right, but Chooch and I still acted like dicks so Henry left us and went and sat in the car after putting in a load of clothes. Henry is ashamed of us.

Chooch and I eventually got bored (after 10 minutes) so we walked home and left Henry there to do all the laundry labor.

And that’s all. Ice cream and laundry. The end.

Henry and I finished “My ID is Gangnam Beauty” yesterday and one of the main characters is Cha Eun-Woo from Astro, which was a group I had only mild interest in but now I’m like LET’S WATCH ASTRO VIDEOS UNTIL OUR EYES FALL OUT and Henry is like SOUNDS GREAT GOTTA GET OUR KYUNG SEOK* FIX.

*(That was his character’s name, OK?! We’re in deep.)

Fun fact: a Gangnam Beauty is someone who gets plastic surgery, in case you were wondering if you should try to get people to call you that at work.

But anyway, please enjoy this video – Cha Eun-Woo is the first guy that sings, but you can’t choose him for your bias because Henry already claimed him.

OK fine, here’s one more because I’m feeling so generous on this rainy Monday:

In other K-drama news, the finale of our other current show, 30 But 17, comes out tomorrow and I just don’t think I’m ready for that. This show is wrecking me.

Here I am, up before 8am on a Sunday because kpop gossip has me shook, and as I’m sitting here with my coffee in a quiet house, I’m briefly reminded of a time when writing/blogging was my everything and I would proofread that shit 8x over before hitting “publish” and now, I write things in pieces from my phone while commuting, on the laptop at home with a million things happening around me, or during extremely rare lulls at work. And I never read it over. I post and walk away, and I’m sorry for being blog-sloppy. But looking back on how obsessed I used to be with writing the perfect posts makes me feel residual stress and I can’t say I really miss that “perfect post” and “comment-obsessed” part of my life – leaving Facebook also really helped cure that. I still really enjoy blogging, for myself, but it’s just don’t have the time that I really need for it anymore. This isn’t a goodbye post! I’m too sentimental and obsessed with my mortality to ever stop jotting down things I want to remember and if I rely on a paper journal, my hand gets tired so I start skipping lots of details, but it’s more of an explanation that I feel I need to make several times a year and the quiet of this Sunday morning reminded me of that.

(Also, I’m not really a moron: I just type too fast and accidentally skip words! I’m pretty sure every one of my blog posts is missing a word or 8.)

While I have some coffee to sip and time to kill, here are some things of interest!

• Last weekend, I had the itch to clean out the bathroom closet because it was turning into a hazard zone, where an avalanche of Q-tips and rolls of toilet paper was only a matter of time. It felt great to throw out 3/4 of that closet’s contents, including gaudy makeup made by a crazy lady that I will never put anywhere near my eyes again, crusty cleansers, expired products, you know the drill. Tucked way back in the closet, I found several makeup bags and other container-things that had a bunch of jewelry in it that I didn’t even know I was missing, like this adorbs two-finger ring I bought years ago at the Mattress Factory when I was kind of poor and Henry was annoyed that I paid $40 for a ring in a museum gift shop but I was like, “I WILL WEAR THIS RING EVERY DAY!” and then probably only wore it once because my fingers were fatter then and I vaguely remember it being uncomfortable. But it fits fine now so I wore it twice last week and it only got in the way of my life approx. 87 times. Also, ignore my shitty polish – we already established on here recently that I paint my nails in near-darkness. A TRUE READER OF OH HONESTLY ERIN WOULD KNOW THAT. lol.

• Shit guys, the past few days have been rife with drama in Kpop World. I mentioned on one of my last Kpop Valentine updates that there was a ton of controversary surrounding Hyuna and E’Dawn, who had the balls to come forward and confirm that they were dating and had been hiding it for 2 years because they’re on the same agency, and not only that but they even have a side project together, and that side project (Triple H, not to be confused with the wrestler who comes up every time I  google it) was actually in the middle of promotions for their comeback (which was SO GOOD) so that got halted immediately which was awful. Meanwhile, E’Dawn is a pivotal member of the 10-member group Pentagon, who you may know I love a lot. They had a fan engagement and also KCON LA coming up, and he was asked to sit those out. Then, last week, they made their comeback with a new mini-album, of which he was part of the creative process, but he’s not in the video and again was not part of promotions. Then on Wednesday, right before I went to bed, I saw the news that Hyuna and E’Dawn were kicked out of Cube, and it got even worse as more news came out because it turns out that they found out the same way everyone else did – through the news. Cube’s stock dropped immediately and international fans were fuming, but the Korean fans were happy and felt that the couple deserved to be punished for what they’ve “done” (not just hiding the fact that they were dating, but actually having the audacity to be in love like normal human beings). The last I heard, Cube back-tracked and said that they weren’t kicked out, that they’re still “talking” but this morning my friend sent me an article saying that there are rumors that Hyuna is leaving on her own and has already joined Jay Park’s label and that would be so amazing, but I worry about what will happen to E’Dawn  and Pentagon. I of course want to boycott Cube, but that in turn hurts the other artists who I want to support, so it’s a really frustrating position. And Hyuna literally carried that fucking company on her back for like 11 years – she’s one of the biggest female artists in Korea, totally controversial, and just a true gem that any agency would be lucky to have. This could have been Cube’s opportunity to break the stigma and publicly support the two and encourage the fans to do the same, but they blew it.  Anyway, this news was so big that it even made the NY Times.
  • Pentagon’s new song is so good though and it kills me that E’Dawn (and Yanan who is sitting out due to health reasons) isn’t a part of it. Please watch this video and support these boys. They write their own stuff and deserve recognition. And before you make fun of the song, the frog concept is based off of a Korean parable and is actually very intelligently incorporated into the song which is about rebelling against social norms and expectations from the elders.)

• I know you’ve been sitting on the edge of your seat, wondering how the cats are enjoying their cat tower, and I’m here to tell you that it’s their fucking jam. Penelope never bothered with the old one we had, so we didn’t expect that she would care about this one either, but after a few weeks, so slowly acclimated herself to it and Drew is less than pleased but I’m like, “Guys, this thing is big enough for 6 cats, deal with it.” They fight on it at least once a day and it’s a great spectator sport for the rest of us. I still think it’s funny that my original four cats never gave a shit about any of the toys/towers/beds that I bought for them, but these two are materialistic AF. It’s that generation, I guess!
• Speaking of That Generation, I had breakfast with Kara on Friday (at Parker’s and Parker himself came over and talked to us and I was internally giddying the fuck out) and we spent a large portion of  the morning bitching about Fortnite and how it’s ruining our lives and that made me feel less of a failure as a parent knowing that she is going through the same shit with her boys too. Fuck Fortnite.
  • Additionally, Kara told me that I’m the longest friend she’s had aside from high school friends, and I started thinking about that and I think it’s true for me too! 13 consistent years! It helps that Kara isn’t a possessive/crazy/SWF/compulsive liar, too. Because man, do I attract those types, like the ones who read my entire blog after knowing me for a month and then throw me an elaborate surprise party utilizing everything they learned about me from said blog, only to send me 18 paragraphs via text 2 months later about why they don’t want to be my friend anymore which can be summarized into one sentence: YOU DON’T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION TO ME, WAH. (I have none of these people in my life right now so this isn’t the equivalent of me sub-tweeting, I swear!)
    • One of the reasons was literally, “We only listen to YOUR music in the car.” Well, when you make me drive everywhere, yeah, them’s the breaks.
  • I need to make more of an effort hanging out with my friends. This has been whatever the opposite of “banner year” is for my mental condition.

• Hey, speaking of cleaning out closets, I was rooting through this Tupperwear bin in my closet the other night because I was on a roll talking to Chooch about my old penpal days and I thought this was the container that had some of my old penpalling relics, like my address labels that I mostly had created specifically to include in FBs (friendship books, high fives to my peeps who remember those) but instead it was just filled with senior pictures from people I only moderately talked to in high school, plus some really old pictures like this one which kills me because I still do this same pose when I want something and even Barb confirmed it on Instagram.
  • I also found a poem from my deathrow penpal so I handed it to Chooch who immediately started reading it out loud and it turned out to be A SEX POEM so I had to snatch it from him. Advice to parents: proofread stuff from your deathrow penpals before letting your kids see it!
  • But I also found this signed headshot of one Clive Pearse who I had become obsessed with briefly while on vacation with Sharon and my grandparents in the early 90s because I watched his show in our hotel room in England and if you think I’m bad now with being obsessed with things you should have seen me back then. I guess I wrote to him and asked for a picture and I actually one back, because that’s how shit worked back then and then it made me think about that Santa Claus museum we just went to last month and how there was a wall lined with framed autographed headshots that some local Santa Claus, Indiana had collected in the 80s and wow, that could have been me. I started cracking up when I found this and tried to explain it to Chooch who was anything but impressed (he’d rather pretend that I didn’t exist until he was born). Apparently, Clive has found success on HGTV since his Super Channel days. (God only knows why I was obsessed with him.)

• It’s still in the 80s here in Pittsburgh but I am so ready for haunted house season. Several are already open, but I think it’s too early! I need more leaves on the ground first. And this is the first time in several years that we don’t have the annual pie party weighing us down (I said NO this year and it feels like a weight was lifted! That damn party was more stress than it was worth) so I feel like I can commit 100% to an All Things Halloween October for once. Henry has one foot on board the Knoebel’s train so I just have to keep batting my eyes and being semi-nice until he agrees to take us. Knoebel’s is a really cute amusement park in….somewhere else in Pennsylvania that’s not Pittsburgh. It takes like 4 or 5 hours to get there, so wherever that is. Anyway, they’re open on weekends in October and we went once several years ago, and I have FOND MEMORIES of it, OK? It’s also the home to two great dark rides and one of my favorite wooden coasters, The Phoenix, which actually JUST WON the 2018 Golden Ticket award for best wooden coaster (Holiday World was on there for cleanest park and best water park ride, and Kennywood won for best dark ride for Noah’s Ark). So, root for me in the fight for Knoebels, you guys!
• Henry and I are currently knee-deep in two k-dramas: 30 But 17, and My ID is Gangnam Beauty. I started both without him but then he got sucked in even after missing the first episodes so now I’m not allowed to watch them without him, which is annoying but also adorable. Last night, I took this secret picture of Henry watching My ID is Gangnam Beauty, because he’s smiling and it’s so freaking funny to me how engrossed he gets in these things, but they really are addicting you guys. When I first started getting into Kpop, I was like, “OK, but I’m just into Kpop and nothing else” and then I got sucked into variety shows so then it became, “OK, but I’m not going to start watching dramas, that just doesn’t appeal to me” but then I started watching Boys Over Flowers and here we are: 80+ Korean actors followed on Instagram, one DramaFever subscription, zero American TV shows watched later.

Well, my people are up and about now so we’re back to Distraction City over here. Shall we end this with two pictures of the cats? YES, I THINK WE SHALL.

Well, I’m off to lint-roll the porch chairs. ANNYEONG CHINGU.

I’m so excited about this, you guys! I’m in the process of expanding my Hello Hanguk line to include idol pendants!

I was looking online for kpop pendants and when I couldn’t find anything that appealed to me, I took matters in my own hands and made this G-Dragon beauty.  I am so smitten with it that I decided to create a whole idol profile series!

These photos don’t do it justice because I used my phone but I wanted to do a little sneak peek because you know me and how I just can’t ever wait.

Honestly, I consider it to be an amulet.

Even my co-workers were like, “OK fine, that’s actually pretty nice” and I know it was hard for them because they generally hate encouraging my kpop fanaticism.

I have a whole list of idols to immortalize in ornate pendant frames but if you have a specific bias that you want to see, please let me know!

In other Hello Hanguk news, I made a Sunmi birthday card this week and didn’t think it would do well but I had two orders so far!

Here’s a birthday card for your favorite little gashina (did you know that this is also means bitch in Korean? Be careful who you say this to, I guess!). The inside has a colorful bouquet to remind your friend to live their life like a flower.

Comes with an envelope.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and practice that gun dance again. I just can’t bend back that far.

(I have a bad back, OK?!)

And I had to feed the desire to make another BIGBANG card. They’re the kings, after all!

Yeah, this card had to be made. BIGBANG is my favorite Kpop group of all time and I could certainly fill this whole shop with just BIGBANG cards but, you know, variety is good too. Ugh. Anyway, this card could be used for Valentines Day, an anniversary, birthday, Flag Day—who wouldn’t be stoked to get a card on freakin’ Flag Day!?

It comes with an envelope. Stick a room key in it if you’re feeling especially ballsy & proposition-y.

And that’s my super-quick kpop shop update! I also have another Valentine set coming up soon, so check back for that if you’re into super kpoppy mini-Valentines to pass out at school, work, prison, wherever!

One of my favorite Korean meals is bibimbap, and that goes way back from before I even became k-crazed. I used to be friends with this girl who I since realized was a sociopath, maybe worse, but back then we enjoyed a brief friendship and would often eat at this Korean restaurant in Oakland because it was owned by friends of her family. I would always, unfailingly, order bibimbap because I loved how it came with a fried egg on top and it reminded me of this one burger I would always get at this restaurant in London called Monique’s, which had a fried egg on top and that was way before America was doing crazy shit to burgers. When I would tell my friends about this burger, they’d be all o.O

I promise you that back then, 20 years ago, I didn’t know what gochujang was and I for sure know that kimchi didn’t touch my chopsticks let alone my lips. But, even though my Korean palate has since expanded, I still fucking love bibimbap and once I started to actually learn about Korea, I realized that bibimbap literally means “mixed rice” and then I started thinking about how this, what you’re reading, is pretty much a mixed bag, a bibimblog and now that’s all I can think of when I sit down to write in this dolsot pot of words and pictures.

So, all that being said, let’s take a walk through my bibimbrain because I gots words about the weekend, y’all. This is going to be all smeared and splashed like a Pollack.

I had the day off last Friday and as expected, I got sick. What is it with me and scheduled days off!? I wasn’t majorly sick enough, but I felt weird and sluggish and when Chooch came home from school, he stopped short inside the doorway and said, “Whoa, I’m not used to seeing you laying down.” Exaciticallllly! (I had a tour guide named Colleen once who said “Exactly” that way and it was amazing.)

(And by “had” I don’t mean that I gave birth to her, but I was on a tour she was leading.)

(I HOPE YOU KNEW THAT.)

Still, the day wasn’t too bad. I managed to leave the house and walk to Pamela’s, where I met my good ol’ friend Christy for lunch but on the way there, something weird happened. I stopped at the ATM but had to wait for this broad and I was on the phone with Henry the whole time, whispering about how annoying she was because she made like three separate transactions with long, leisurely pauses in between each one. I don’t  know why I cared because Christy is habitually late so it didn’t really matter that this broad was holding me up but if you know me, you know that I am always in a rush for no reason. Anyway, after that left, I started mouthing off about her to Henry which of course warranted a description. I started to say she was older and had pink hair and then he cut me off and finished the description because whoever this bitch was, she also was in Henry’s way the other day!? I mean, it’s not too often you see an old lady with pink hair and tattoos so it was definitely the same person, especially after I saw her get in her car and Henry was like YES THAT’S HER! SHE WAS PISSING ME OFF SO BAD! It reminded me of the time that Henry and I both dreamt  of cabbages, so maybe he is my soul mate after all, even though he’s not Korean, ugh.

And of course I still got to Pamela’s before Christy but it was OK because I had a cup of coffee in front of me and Genesis was playing, and really when you have those things, life doesn’t seem too bad. Then Christy got there and we those good Pamela’s pancakes and talked about how awesome we were when we were kids and stuff like that.

Then I came home and watched the cats fight because Penelope uses the tower now and Drew hates that.

Later that night, Henry and I watched the G-Dragon / Kwon Jiyong documentary on YouTube Red and I fucking cried. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love him any more! The whole thing was a behind the scenes account of his last solo tour and how he’s reached a point in his life where he realized that he’s been G-Dragon for so long that he doesn’t who Kwon Jiyong is anymore. You guys, I just want him to meet a nice girl, get married, and move somewhere private. Like here, in Pittsburgh,

With me.

After we get married.

Saturday morning was the start of like, 4 days of dreary, rainy weather. I thought for sure the weekend would be ruined, but it was pretty good! I mean, aside from first thing that morning when I heard knocking on our neighbors’ door and then suddenly, “POLICE!” I was super startled because if you remember, our current neighbors are Blake and Haley, not some white trash rapist or secret drug lord. Henry wasn’t home so I had to go out there with an arm covering my braless boobs so that was great, but it turns out that their alarm was going off and they were on vacation, so the security company sent THREE COPS out. Chooch let them inside Blake’s house to make sure it really was just accidental (the sensor fell off the wall, apparently) and when the one cop came back to return the key to us, he was trying to be all playful with Chooch and we were just “we hate cops.” Sike, we didn’t actually say that but I was like, “Bye now!” after Chooch took back the key.

“And then he just kept standing there, staring into our house!” I ranted later to Henry, because little gets me as fired up as interaction with the popo.

“Well yeah! Come on, imagine if you saw this place for the first time. There’s a lot to see. There’s a green mannequin over there in the corner for Christ’s sake!” Henry said, perpetually white-knighting the men in blue.

I think I have mild PTSD though from all of my past neighbors. Just another thing to add to the list!

The rest of the day I was moody so Henry was following me around and picking up everything I was purposely knocking over because that’s what I do when I’m in a mood and then I was mad because I put too much peanut butter on a bagel and so it was very messy which caused me to abandon it on the kitchen counter but then Henry calmly scraped off the excess and cut it into quarters so that I could eat it without looking like I just went down on a hot jar of peanut butter.

Hey, remember when I was writing words for you to read about bibimbap? Well, I was craving it on Saturday so Henry Oppa took me to Sushi Kim which sounds like a sushi joint but it’s actually a Korean restaurant that also has a sushi bar and it was kind of like a date I guess because Chooch preferred to stay home and play his stupid Fortnite and things were actually looking pretty good for Henry until he realized that one of the waiters there was my ideal Korean type and then it was just me blushing and giggling through the whole dinner and Henry was like GREAT JUST GREAT.

Even still, we had a really great weekend together, but I realized that I for sure need a better shopping partner because he is no help at all in places like Forever 21 when I’m like CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY SIZE IN THIS RAINBOW SWEATER but he’s too busy googling “how to regain my masculinity.” But at least I got some nice clothes, thanks Henry Oppa. (LOL, like I don’t have a job.)

Sunday was lovely too! We went shopping again because I was searching for this elusive shirt from H&M and every time I found one, it was only a size 2 (H&M sizing is so stupid) and I mean, I lost some weight but come on now. I’d have to Ace-bandage my boobs to squeeze into a shirt size that small. On the way home, we stopped at Coffee Buddha and I was content because I didn’t realize that I was craving their peanut buddha latte but I was OK!? Henry bought a pumpkin muffin for us to share so I ripped off the whole top and went on with my day. I could feel him staring at me so I said with a flick of my hand, “Oh, you can have the rest.”

“Wow. You’re a dick,” he said.

That’s our relationship, in one muffin.

Then he made me this bubbling vat of kimchi jjigae and maybe the theme of this post is that I’ve got it made!? I don’t know, but Henry is pretty cool sometimes, especially when he’s coming out of the kitchen with Korean food in his hands.

We finished off our weekend by watching Hereditary and by that, I mean that Chooch and I watched it and then Henry “disappeared” a quarter of the way through because he was “bored and it was so predictable and just like every other movie” and Chooch and I were like, “Oh, mmhmm, so you were scared.” He kept denying it but as soon as he realized what type of horror movie it was going to be, he saw his way out because he is such a little bitchboy.

Meanwhile, Chooch and I were RIVETED and I daresay this might be my new favorite horror movie. Except that now Chooch won’t stop clucking, so that’s cool. Anyway, I can’t say too much else about this movie without taking you down to Spoiler Town, but it had a lot of great scares and some pretty unexpected moments, also Toni Collette is just wonderful. Tell me if you’ve seen it or just tell me anything because I’m bored. Bye.

Hi hello. I want to be positive and spread joy today instead of succumbing to the sad Eeyore in my head, so here I am to ply you with some Taemin eye candy because SHINee just released a new music video yesterday, and I have already watched it 974932074 times and now you should too.

I love SHINee, all of the members….

but Taemin, good god. His voice comes out like a warm blanket on a cold day (or, in a cold office, which is where I am now, with a blanket across my lap) and it brings me so much joy.

I remember a long time watching an Eat Your Kimchi video where Martina referred to him as the G-Dragon of SHINee, or something to that effect, and I didn’t really get it then because I was thinking more comparatively and it didn’t make sense since they are VERY different artists; but over time, it kind of fell into place and I get it now. There are so many places his charisma can take him.

When he’s holding those flowers at the end, OMG, I just want to open a door and see him standing there, ugh.

The other night on Instagram, one of the Taemin fan accounts posted that someone was selling their “standing room” ticket for Taemin’s performance at Music Bank in Germany and I had a full-blown moral altercation with myself and had to physically grab my hand to stop from typing in “I WILL TAKE IT WHAT IS YOUR PAYPAL ADDRESS.” I reminded myself that I have a family that would probably not be happy about going without food for the next month, ugh fuck you, family.

Remember when I wasted like 8 years of my life fan-girling over unworthy Jonny Craig when G-Dragon and Taemin were out there all along? Ugh, to get that time back!

Here’s a picture of my cat Drew and me getting our morning dose of Taemin:

Wow, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Here’s my crew in line for the Jack Rabbit.

Hi, I’m back with the second half of my Kennywood saga. I always feel like once I finish recapping the last amusement park visit of the summer, then summer is really over. So, I drag my feet a little. Sue me.

But also, this last trip to Kennywood wound up being one of the best times I’ve had there in years, so I’m desperate to hang on to those feels. Well, right this way to the bulletpoints…

• For the first time in forever, we went inside Noah’s Ark and weren’t the most obnoxious people. Nope, this time it was AN OLD LADY behind us who was quiet the whole time we were in line and then as soon as her Easy Spirits hit the whale’s tongue, she sounded like a midwestern granny was being exorcised from within her. Literally, she was screaming things like, “OH GOLLY!” and “AYE YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!!!!” and the whole time I was like, “WHO THE FUCK IS BEHIND US” until I finally sneaked a peak in a less-dim section of the Ark and was like, “Oh wow, not what I was expecting.” Even Chooch was like bug-eyed over this and he lives in the same house as my big mouth so that’s really saying something. I just assumed she was trying to hype up the kids she was with, but then we exited the Ark, I watched her and her husband walk away alone, no children in sight. Welp, I think I got a glimpse of Future Me.
• Blake was allowed to ride one ride while they were there, and he chose the Black Widow because he still had never been on it since it was introduced to the park a few years ago. I tried to hide my reluctance and got into line with him and Chooch because this is one of those rides that puts me through a series of internal existential crises while standing in line, but once the ride is over, I always feel bad-ass and accomplished, especially when Janna is there because she totally idolizes my ability to ride insane thrill rides. (SHE DOES, OK. But, um, don’t ask her about that because she’ll, um, she’ll get embarrassed, see.) The line for the Black Widow is always long even on the least crowded days because the loading process takes so long.  So we stood there while Chooch mindlessly performed Fortnight dances and watched Henry chasing Calvin around on the other side of the fence. I yawned a lot. I always yawn while standing in lines, even if I’m not actually tired. A doctor told me once a long time ago that it’s because I don’t get enough oxygen so then I catch myself yawning and barely breathing, and I start dramatically huffing and puffing but then I just feel light-headed and it’s just a vicious cycle, is what I’m trying to tell you. So I don’t fight the yawns anymore. I’m yawning right now, even. After about 45 minutes, it was finally our turn. Actually, we were the last three people they let on, so that felt ominous. Even more ominous was when we were all strapped in and ready to go and the harnesses popped up because someone wanted off. Then we had to sit there and go through the load-in process all over again AND THEN THE HARNESSES POPPED UP AGAIN BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE NEEDED TO GET OFF?! Even one of the ride operators was like, “wtf is happening are you kidding” and part of me was wondering if this was a sign? Like, should I object to this upcoming marriage of our souls with the sky? But I kept my mouth shut — until the ride started and then I started rambling like a crazy-person because that’s my defense mechanism on this rid – just keep hyper-talking until the ride stops because if God and Satan hear that shit they’ll be like, “Nah, we can wait a little longer before taking this bitch, that Henry guy can keep her.”
  • Spoiler alert! I survived! However, someone’s phone did not. Once the Black Widow stopped swinging, we saw a black phone on the platform totally shattered and exploded and everyone was super intrigued by this. The ride operators were like, “OH SHIT REALLY” and when the people in line figured out what we were all ogling, there was a collective exclamation of “OH SHIT!” This whole scene made me feel sick because they explicitly tell you to empty your pockets before getting on the ride and what if that had hit someone!? That phone fell from such a great height and with such force that it fucking exploded. I don’t want to think about what impact that could have had on someone’s head.  I didn’t stick around to see what happened next but I hope whoever that phone belonged to got fined or something BUT THEY PROBABLY DIDN’T.
• Ironically, right after this happened, Blake & Co. went to get more food probably and the rest of us decided to ride Phantom again. While we were in line on the platform, we noticed that it was taking a longer time than usual for the car to be sent off. I saw two of the ride attendants talking to two of the riders and then the ride operator (whom I was convinced I loved by the end of the night) got on the speaker and said, “This car will not leave the platform until all cellphones are placed in the bin.” I was like, “Huh, I don’t remember ever hearing this precautionary warning before” but then he got on the speaker and repeated it more forcefully. When there was no movement from any of the riders in the car, he tacked on, “I will call Safety Enforcement if I have to” and that’s when we realized that some broad refused to put her phone away and said something like, “Then make everyone else do it too” and someone screamed, “JUST GIVE THEM YOUR PHONE!!!” She got all huffy and defiant like this was some playground where shit wasn’t going her way, so instead of just complying with the rules, she and her male companion got off the ride and stormed out of the exit to an uproarious round of applause. I couldn’t even believe the audacity! One of the ride attendants told us that just the day before, someone had their phone out on the ride and it fell out of their hands and hit the person behind them. “There was blood EVERYWHERE,” she said, I almost puked. LOOK – I know this is the age of getting that perfect Instagram shot or Snapchatting your daily highlights so everyone knows you’re out there living your best life, and I get it, I do that shit too. I’ve taken pictures on roller coasters — but they’re mild ones and I always put my phone away before reaching the top of the hill. But most of those rides, common sense tells you that everything should be left with a non-rider or put in a bin! Why should your stupid ass social media feed take precedence over someone’s safety? Bitch, leave my park!
  • After watching the park employees handle this with finesse, I was glad that I didn’t roast Kennywood on Twitter like I had planned to after that Golden Nugget fail. I saw some guy complaining on there about how the load time at Kennywood takes twice as long as it does at Hershey, and the more I thought about it, I decided that I don’t give a shit if I have to stand in line for an extra 5  minutes if it means that these ride attendants are doing what they were trained to do in order to make sure we’re all safe. We all need to calm the fuck down and stop being so entitled. Yes, standing in line sucks. Having to part with your phone, god forbid, sucks. But it’s not worth defying rules and acting like an asshole. You want to check my seat belt again? BE MY GUEST. TAKE YOUR TIME.
  • • Am I getting old or what?!

• The first time we rode the Musik Express, we actually had to stand in line because the ark was still kind of crowded then. There was a little girl in front of us who kept staring at my shirt and finally she worked up the nerve to tell me she liked it. “My mom likes skulls, and I like cats,” she said and I was like, “Fuck, a small child is talking to me. WHAT TO DO. WHAT TO DO.” So eventually I just said, “Thanks” because that’s about all the small talkin’ I can do these days. Meanwhile, Chooch was seething beside me because it was actually his shirt that I was wearing and he hates when people compliment me, HAHAHA. The second time we rode it was later in the evening after all the lights came on and Chooch’s friend from the Thunderbolt was on it too – this was after we saw him on the Volcano and he slapped Chooch’s hand. We were really excited about this because making amusement park friends is the best, says the girl who literally just bitched about small talk a few sentences ago. I AM MORE CONTRARY THAN MARY, MARY. Anyway, we made Janna  take a picture of us looking precious and then I had a flashback to the picture my mom took of me and my friend Liz when we were 13 on the Musik Express, with my brother Ryan and THAT FRENCH KID LAURENT (see my littering rant from last week!) in the seat behind us, and I have braces, permed hair, and a perma-scowl and also I’m wearing shorts and a tie-dye shirt that was probably IOU or some shit.

I look so Les Miz! I love this picture so much, but I’m sure I probably didn’t love it back then.

• We don’t ride the Paratroopers very often, but it just felt right to ride it on this night. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? Probably not, because I don’t either. Here are some things that happened during this time:
  • While we were standing in line, I saw my friend Colleen from work so Chooch screamed her name real loud and then she came over to talk to us for a minute and I started laughing about this later because her office is right near my desk but that was probably the longest I’ve talked to her in a long time because it’s been so quiet at work lately.
  • I recounted a harrowing tale to Janna and Chooch wherein I was but a wee youngin’ riding this with my friend Amy and one of my sandals slipped off. Just like that person’s phone on the Black Widow, we were all lucky in  that it landed on the ground within the ride’s perimeter so no one was knocked out by a pink-bowed Candies, but that ride operator screamed at me afterward and I was crying and crying because I was like 7 or 8, and then Amy’s mom, who was also our heroic Girl Scout leader, stepped up and was like, “OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST YELL AT THIS CHILD” and I have never worn sandals or flip flops to an amusement park since then. I told them this story as a grown-ass adult lady was on the ride wearing flip flops.
  • So I thought Chooch was going to ride with me but he was like, “Pfft nah I’m riding with Janna. That’s why I said too bad you don’t have a big stuffed animal to be your partner like that girl” and he pointed to some young, sad girl sitting alone under one of the umbrellas with a big bear or something next to her. I was really offended by this, especially when they started yapping about how they were going to get the purple one and that’s the one that I wanted so they were like, “Go get the other purple one then” and I was like, “NO BECAUSE I WANTED TO SIT NEAR YOU ASSHOLES” so then I was like, “Fuck you” and just took a green umbrella in front of them because I didn’t even care anymore. Then suddenly, while we were still preparing for the ride to start, I heard the two of them gagging and coughing behind me so I turned around to see what the hell was going on and Janna wailed, “That man that was sitting here before us must have farted through the whole ride because it smells!” and Chooch was practically dry-heaving, but now all the umbrellas were taken so they couldn’t switch and I was SO SMUG. “Good, I hope that guy pooped in there, too,” I said and then I sat through the whole ride with a huge smile on my face and aggressively waved to Henry every time I Mary Poppins’d past him. ENJOY YOUR SMELL, ASSHOLES!
  • 

• All day long, I kept saying that we probably wouldn’t stay long enough for the fireworks because I figured we’d be burnt out by early evening, but before we knew it, it was dark and we were ascending the hill of the Phantom watching the fireworks. In all the times I’ve been to Kennywood, I can honestly say this was my first time watching the fireworks from the Phantom! It was really magical and made it especially terrifying when we were suddenly plummeting down the hill because we were too distracted to realize we had reached the top. Oh shit, I love roller coasters at night! I was so hyped up after this that even though it was nearly closing time, I giddily whisper-screamed, “LET’S GO ON ONE MORE TIME AND GET THE FRONT SEAT” like I was suggesting doing a hit of X behind the Potato Patch or something. Henry was like, “I am not riding this twice in a row” and he was still talking while Chooch and I chucked all of our belongings at him and ran, AND I MEAN RAN, to the entrance while screaming HURRY UP, JANNA! We just ran and ran and ran, praying that the line was still open, and it WAS but that didn’t stop us from still running through the queue. Some kid was behind us, also running, so his dad yelled STOP RUNNING! and I was like, “Fuck off dad” and just then, I FUCKING FELL while I was trying to duck under the railing because I was so giddy that I just lost all control of my body and went straight down so then I was on my hands and knees literally crawling until I got the strength to pick myself back up because I was laughing so hard that my whole body tickled! I caught up to Chooch and wheezed, “I FELL” and then almost peed my pants because I was laughing so hard. Anyway, inside the platform, almost all of the lines were empty except for the line for the front seat. We squeezed into the queue for that one and as we were catching our breath, the same guy who was all authoritarian about the cell phones and calling the Safety Popo was still working the Phantom and he came over and roped off the end of the line for the front seat. “You guys will be the last riders for the night,” he said, and it was so hot to me for some reason, like was he COMING ON TO ME I COULDN’T TELL. I was totally in love with him after this and I don’t know why but this was making me laugh even harder, and then to compound the situation, here comes Janna, strolling onto the platform like five minutes after we had already gotten there, and it was clear that she didn’t run AT ALL. Henry told me later that after she gave him her purse to hold, she actually started to walk in the wrong direction, but he confirmed that no, she did not run at all.
  • So now Janna is in line with us, but she’s standing in the queue for the second car so she can ride behind us. There is no one else in line for that seat, and still like 4 people ahead of us, so Janna is standing way far back, like she’s in line with her imaginary friends. My Kennywood boyfriend came over at one point and asked her if she was in line and she mumbled yes like wasn’t it obvious and he was just like “Oh” so I suggested that she try to get people to go in front of her. “Yeah, ask that guy to go in front of you,” Chooch suggested, pointing to some sweaty bro who rolled on up without a shirt on. “NO Chooch! I don’t want to sit where that shirtless guy sat!” Janna snapped, and Chooch snottily responded that she wouldn’t be sitting in the same seat because there were two Phantom cars running, so….still, she was like, “No! That’s disgusting!” and they’re going back and forth, fighting over where this shirtless guy is going to sit and I was doing the pee-squat by this point because I was slap-happy to the max. Honestly, when I say that we had the best time at Kennywood, I have to pull myself away from the situation a bit and look down on the scene, because was I the only one laughing? Nope, Chooch was too. OK good.
  • Sometime in the middle of all this, Chooch’s pal from the Thunderbolt walked into the platform! My Kennywood boyfriend said, “Oh hey, Sam” to him, so I guess he’s a regular! I think Sam had become Chooch’s “Stanley.” Anyway, Sam seemed a bit upset that the line for the front seat was roped off, but you snooze you lose, buddy! I didn’t get a scrape on my knee for nothing.
  • Meanwhile, Janna kept letting people in front of her but then she started to let TOO MANY in front of her so I screamed, “NO! NOW WE’RE NOT LINED UP ANYMORE!” and the couple she was trying to let in put their hands up and backed away and then I started laughing all over again that pee was imminent. Oh, the pee struggle is so real, you guys. I never outgrew that whole “giddy as a schoolgirl” phase.
  • Finally it was our turn and it was everything I could have wanted, closing out the perfect day at Kennywood in the front seat on the Phantom’s last run of the night. It really felt like being a kid again and as long as I didn’t think about the fact that I had to go to work the next day, I was golden.

I spent the next week thinking of Henry sitting alone on a bench after Chooch ditched him for Sam, or Janna calmly meandering onto the Phantom platform after Chooch and I sprinted there like idiots, or Janna and Chooch sitting in a fart seat, and I would start upchucking chuckles (upchuckling?) in the middle of work. It made me miss Barb though because I always loved torturing her with my giddy Kennywood tales!

What a great way to end the summer! I thought I was over Kennywood, but then this day happened and now we’re an item again.

Henry was so happy that amusement park season has ended but now I’m throwing the idea of going to Knoebel’s in October at him, so now he’s sad again.