I don’t know whose bright idea it was to make the 4+ hour drive home from King’s Island on Saturday (more on that later), but that’s exactly what we did and it’s insane how exhausting the simple act of driving a car can be (or in my case, being the passenger who stays awake out of solidarity). It was around 2:30AM when we made it home, which is nothing for all those people with heavy social lives, going to the clubs and bars, etc. But we had been up since 5:30AM in order to get to the park around the time it opened, so yeah wow, that was a near-24 hour day for us.

Don’t even get me started on the lack of Sheetz in Ohio. I know they exist in some areas because they have saved our asses plenty of times on the way home from concerts in Cleveland, but the area around Cincinnati sucks and we had to settle on, oh my god just thinking about this is making me gag—SPEEDWAY. I felt so uncivilized! The only option for me was a veggie sub which is NOT WHAT I WANTED, I WANTED A WRAP but all their WRAP OPTIONS had MEAT IN THEM and there was nothing on the menu for a CUSTOMIZED ONE. Ugh! The guy behind the counter could sense my ire and asked if I needed help but you know what, I didn’t like HIS TONE so I said NO I DIDN’T NEED HIS HELP!

Then Chooch slapped his receipt into Henry’s palm and said, “TELL THEM HOW I WANT IT TOASTED” before running off the bathroom. So Henry tried to tell THAT GUY to toast it and the guy was all, “YES, IT WILL BE TOASTED” but Henry was like, “No, I mean, he wants it toasted afterward” and the guy goes, “No that’s not how we do it. We just toast the bread first and then put everything on it” and Henry said, “Yes, but he would like it toasted afterward” and the guy said, “BUT IT WILL MESS  UP THE INGREDIENTS, LIKE THE PICKLES…” and Henry was like, “HE KNOWS. THAT IS HOW HE WANTS IT.” Jesus Christ! We were telling Chooch about this later in the car, as he was eating his fully-toasted sub, pickles and all, and he shrugged and mumbled, “The customer’s always right.”

Usually, Chooch handles this himself. He completes his order, grabs the receipt, marches up to the pick-up area with confidence and yells, “EXCUSE ME, I’D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT TOASTING MY SANDWICH.” Look, the kid knows what he wants, OK.

The one thing that kept me going was that my friend Veronica was sending me requests to her Instagram Lives from the Korea Times Music Festival in LA where LEE TAEMIN WAS PERFORMING. Guys, I was LIVING through her Instagram on that ride home, you have no idea. Henry thanks her too because every time one of her live videos would end, I would start screaming NO NO NO!! and the sheer volume of my voice did more for his alertness than any of those cans of energy drinks he was double-fisting.

When we got home, I barely brushed my teeth; kicked off my shoes; peeled the contacts from my eyes; collapsed into bed, still in my clothes and a face full of makeup. Did not even care.

Sunday was one of those days where I don’t even know why I bothered to change out of my pajamas because I felt like shit and pretty much figured I wasn’t going anywhere that day. I spent most of the day watching theme park vlogs on YouTube, still riding that high from the day before (Henry’s reading this and thinking, “Yeah right, she would be watching these videos even if we hadn’t just gone to an amusement park”–LOOK, IT’S HOW I RELAX, OK!?”) Having just ridden the Beast numerous times really reignited my wooden coaster (or “woodie,”  but you non-coaster fanatics wouldn’t understand, sigh) and so I started watching videos about that and then started pining for my old wooden love, THE VOYAGE in Holiday World. I began to wonder how the woodie aficionados compare the two, and then before I knew it, I had watched 19 POV videos of the Voyage (Chooch and I pronounced it “Voy-AHge”), at which point I launched into an impassioned speech about how much I love this ride and if I had to craft the perfect day in my head, marathoning this beefy grid of manly lumber (at night!!) would definitely make the cut.

Henry was giving back NOTHING in return, so I spat, “I’ll just wait for Chooch to come home. I can’t talk  to you about this. You don’t understand. You didn’t even ride it.”

“Yeah, but you’re not just talking about it. You sound like you’re talking about a boyfriend.”

Ugh, I wish.

BAE.

Meanwhile, I was getting sicker as the day went on. My body felt really weak and I was shivering, and my stomach had that I’M ON A BOAT feeling.

As the day progressed, I started to wonder if I had measles. Maybe it’s because it’s very Another Day, Another News Alert About Measles lately? So I started grilling Dr. Henry about all things measles. I can’t google things of this nature–medical maladies, curious symptoms–because I will throw up and fall into a spiral of obsession and paranoia. But I needed to know things like “will I know if I have measles? Will it hurt? Will I die right away?” And then Henry started to talk about rashes and I was like, NO STOP TALKING ABOUT IT I DONT WANT TO KNOW! and then Henry was like GOOD LORD, GO TO BED. YOU FEEL SICK BECAUSE YOU BARELY GOT ANY SLEEP AND YOU ARE EXHAUSTED.

Oh ok Dr. Henry.

(Ever since he mentioned rashes, I have felt universally itchy.)

The one thing I recently read was about how adults who think they are vaccinated or perhaps never got the second shot, travel to measles-prone countries and then BRING IT BACK WITH THEM.

“Thailand and India are two countries on that list and Lauren from work went to both of those countries last year!” I hysterically screamed to Henry, who calmly said if she brought home a souvenir rash, and I wasn’t vaccinated, I probably would have contracted it a long time ago and you know, died.

This fretting continued on this morning because I got another news alert on the way to work and I want to fucking line up anti-vaxxers and run past them swinging an orange-stuffed sock. Fucking assholes.

I sat next to some nice man on the trolley who said good morning to me (like, no one does that on the T) and I had to pretend like I was a normal lady and not someone melting internally from maybe-measles.

At work, Carrie was like, “You could just ask your mom if you have all your shots…” so I did that, I texted her and it took her like SEVEN MINUTES to respond and all she said was “I think so.”

THAT IS NOT A YES.

Then I saw Lauren and flipped out on her but she was like “I promise you I’m fully vaccinated!” But then I think she started to get scared too when I mentioned THAILAND AND INDIA.

I was still dwelling on this by the time Henry picked me up for work.

“What exactly do you from with measles? A big fever? Do your bowels fall out?”

“Yes Erin, your bowels fall out,” Henry sighed.

I think I’m just going to go to the doctor and double-up on some vaccinations. Is it possible to over-vaccinate?

Suh, my pallies (whoever is left – I stopped paying people to read this). Here are some recaps of the current work week, because things happened, as they often do in that game called life. Please also enjoy some photos of DOWNTOWN which I took on Friday. It was a gloomy day.

1. Staff Appreciation Day

Wednesday was Staff Appreciation Day, which meant there was some breakfast thing in the partnership center which I gave no fucks about because I do not like jostling about with plates of food in front of strangers who also work here. However, we did get a nice gift card from the firm so I definitely appreciated that, and Boss Amber signed off on an email to our group by wishing us a happy Staff Appreciation Day. I smartly responded, “If you really appreciated us, you’d write each one of us a poem telling us so!” and then I went about my day because that’s what I do, reply-all with something dumb and then lose myself in some work duty. But Amber rolled out of her Poetry For Dummies class with this creative ode for me!

Rose are red

Violets are blue

Long live k-pop

And G-Dragon, too!

Of course this turned Glenn’s complexion pallid, Cheryl was like “I needed that laugh,” and one of our new team members based in our Chicago office emailed and asked, “Erin, what is G-Dragon?”

Oh Vicki, thank you for opening Pandora’s Box! I AM HAPPY TO PROVIDE ANSWERS! So I shot her off a reply with a quick summary of who GD is, a picture of his Adonis-esque face, and a link to his wiki. Vicki replied and said that her son also loves kpop and all things Korea and is determined to travel there and has a translation app on his phone, and and and…OMG! I was so excited to make this discovery! We don’t know our Chicago counterparts very well since our only form of communication with them is email and the occasional meeting where they call in, and Amber and I have been trying to find ways to bridge the gap, boost morale, etc. Now I finally have a connection with Vicki! I told her that I went to Korea last year and will be going back this summer, so she asked if I mind fielding some questions for her and her son and I was like “NOT AT ALL!” Trust me, at least once an hour I want to blurt out, “When I was in Korea…” but I sit on it because Hello, Annoying. But when someone actually WANTS to talk to me about it? I start salivating harder than I do when eating a pot of kimchi jjigae that’s just come to a rolling boil.

I shared this new discovery with Glenn and Amber and they were like, “OMG wow amazing cool.” They’re just jealous that I’m over here making strides with team building thanks to my copious interests!

(Seriously, when Chris was new in our department, we because work-bffs because we both like weird fruit. Copious and obscure interests can sometimes help in the workplace, you guys. Don’t be boring.)

2. Bring Your Kids to Little Korea Day

In addition to the Staff Appreciation fun, I had another opportunity to gush about my K-interests on Thursday when Missy briefly brought her two young kids and two nieces into the office. They were downtown with her husband for Bring Your Child To Work Day or whatever, which Chooch gets all up-in-arms over every year because we’re technically not supposed to bring kids to work in my department because of confidentiality or whatever and Henry has been driving again at his job so, like, there’s pretty clear liability issues there with stowing your uninsured minor in the passenger seat of a Big Delivery Truck. Missy only had the kids there briefly after lunch and when she was walking them by our desks on the way to her office, the girls shuffled closer to my desk and gaped at all of my childlike things scattered around. “Who’s that?” one of them asked, jabbing a finger at my standing Taemin vinyl. So I got really excited and gushed to them who he is and they looked at me, and then looked back at him, and then looked at me again like they were perhaps trying to assess my age. “But she doesn’t LOOK like a sixteen-year-old…” I imagine is what they were trying to work out in their minds. Missy was like LEAVE MISS ERIN ALONE and corralled them into her office, where her son and daughter promptly counted the pictures of them that Missy has on display and I couldn’t tell which one was upset but one of them definitely realized that there were more pictures of the other so Missy had to, excuse my WORK PUN, resolve a conflict.

A few minutes later, she ushered them out of her office and down the hall, but those girls walked REAL SLOW past my desk and tossed several lingering glances over their shoulders at Taemin. Yeah girls, I get it. I turn around and look at him many times throughout the day, as well.

Poor Missy kept trying to leave but somehow they ended up at my desk again and her son was like WHAT IS THAT and I was like A FIJI MERMAID and one of the nieces was rummaging through my spiderweb bowl of Asian tea and coffee packets and asked WHAT IS THIS and I was like TEA THAT TASTES LIKE FLOWERS because I can’t say the word chrysanthemum and then the daughter was like WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE and I was like THAT IS GREEN TEA LATTE so in the end, the girls each took a packet of instant green tea latte which became a thorn in Missy’s side because they wanted to make it RIGHT NOW and she was like NO WE HAVE TO GO and it was just the most entertaining afternoon I’ve had at work in some time, that’s all.

Hopefully they went home and looked up Taemin.

3. Co-Workers Try the Inkigayo Sandwich!

After telling some of my work buds about the Inkigayo, nay—EASTERgayo, sandwich we had on Easter, Lauren and Margie expressed interest in trying it. Margie especially was like, “No, it doesn’t make sense and I don’t think it could taste good!” so when Henry was making Chooch one for his school lunch (Chooch’s request!), I asked him to make an extra one for me to take to work. He added crab meat to that one, as the supposedly official recipe for it calls for.

(There are TONS of variations out there! One even adds ketchup to it. I have no idea. I’ve never eaten in the Inkigayo cafeteria and likely never will, unless I get a job there, wearing a hair net and making the actual sandwiches. That’s one way to find out!)

Lauren wasn’t in yet, so I took the sandwich over to Glenn and Todd and explained to them what it was. “No thanks,” Glenn said drolly, but Todd, whom I’m sure wasn’t even listening to my explanation, said, “Yeah, I’ll try it.”

Margie cut a piece for a Glenn anyway and told him not to be a baby, so all three of them ate a piece and UNANIMOUSLY said, “Wait…that’s actually good. But, how?!”

I made sure to point out to Glenn that he was eating a sandwich that G-Dragon likes. He seemed thrilled.

Meanwhile, Cheryl was leaning back in her chair and watching us from her open office door.

“Cheryl, come try this!” I called out and I swear to god she was popping a piece in her mouth before I even had a chance to explain what it was, so I just stopped mid-sentence and surmised it with, “It’s a sandwich that kpop idols eat.” Even she liked it!

Todd said he was going to write about it on his blog which would be awesome if he had a blog. And Margie said it’s what her kids would call a “Do-Over” which is what they say when she makes them something new and they like it, they give her their approval and permission to make it again. So I joked that I would send Cheryl the recipe to put on the department Wiki BUT MAYBE I WILL. I mean, Memorial Day is coming up and this sandwich is basically a picnic between bread.

Then Lauren arrived and I watched her eat the piece Margie had pre-cut for her. She said it was it good but then immediately started asking me work questions and I was like, “This is not why I came over here, Lauren.”

Later, Glenn said that Lauren has a seafood allergy and I started panicking but Lauren was like, “Oh my god, I think you would know if I had a food allergy. I mean, I sit next to this thing, after all!” gesturing toward the Pumpkin of International Food Horrors.

“That’s true,” I laughed. “And I mean, some of the things in that pumpkin might actually create allergies.”

She did not disagree.

The last taste-tester was Carrie, but unlike everyone else, she said when she saw the ingredients, she felt it was something she would like. So now I felt extra-pressure watching her chew, because I especially needed her to like it now! Thank god, she did! We agreed that a godo word to describe it is “refreshing” and I’m not trying to be bossy here or anything but I think she should take this recipe to the new restaurant she works at and see if they’ll add it to the menu.

YOU NEVER KNOW. It could be a sandwich sensation with their collegiate clientele.

4. Altrolleyism (see also: Altruism on the Trolley, duh) Begets Soy Karma

When I got on the trolley Thursday morning, it was pretty packed because of the aforementioned Bring Your Kid…blah blah, so instead of walking as far to the back as possible before plopping my ass down like usual, I took an empty seat near the front. Unfortunately, That Annoying Family I Hate slipped onto the same train as me at the last minute and they always sit at the front (which is why I go to the back). There was one empty seat in front of me, so they sat the daughter down there and then both parents were standing in the aisle, smothering me with their HAPPY VALLEY PTA vibes. Just as the dad started to pull out a Berenstein Bears book to read out loud for the whole front of the trolley, I started to get really anxious and wanted to get out of my seat immediately. I didn’t want to look like an asshole though, you know, so I masked my asshole motives by tapping the mom on the arm and saying, “WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT HERE?” She exclaimed, “Oh my, thank you!” so I mumbled “no problem” and practically barrel-rolled out of the seat and ran to the back where I was rewarded with ONE EMPTY SPOT next to a very quiet, unassuming passenger, and it was far enough back that I couldn’t hear Dad jawwing off about fictional bear families. Meanwhile, I was acutely aware of people smiling at me for my valiant act of altruism and I was like mentally curtsying in my head over this. I LOVE WHEN I LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL.

Meanwhile, the DAD took the seat and the MOM stood the whole time. That family fucking kills me. (For instance, on Friday, the daughter threw a huge tantrum and started shrieking at near dog-whistle levels about how the dad HURT HER FEELINGS and it was such a blatant display of crocodile tears, it made me sick.)

Later that day, I went to Prestogeorge in the Strip because I was in the mood for a cinnamon latte and their lattes are just really comforting to me. (Not their chai lattes though! They make theirs the same way as Starbucks, by using that refrigerated chai concentrate shit and I hate that because it always tastes like spiced water to me – I prefer when places use the chai power. Perhaps I will write a dissertation about this another day because I have feelings.)

Anyway, none of my faves were working that day, so a guy I’ve never seen before named Josh took my order. He was very jovial and I felt confident that this would still be another great Presto experience. (Seriously, this is the kind of the place that pulls you right into ongoing banter between employees–you’ll walk out of there feeling like you’re a regular even if it’s your first time!) I ordered my cinnamon soy latte and I don’t know why I did this because there was no one standing behind me waiting to order, but instead of leaning against the counter like I normally do, I took a step over the side and stood there instead.

Maybe 15 seconds after I moved, Josh extracted the carton of soy milk from the cooler and gave it a hearty side-to-side shake, except that the cap wasn’t on all the way and ribbons of high-speed soy milk arched through the air, hitting the exact spot I was originally standing in. Josh stopped mid-shake and we looked at each other, our mouths and eyes widening in slo-mo, and he sputtered, “OH MY GOD DID THAT HIT YOU?!” I laughed, like REALLY LAUGHED, and said, “No, but I had literally JUST stepped away from that spot!” and then we were both cracking up and he was like, “WOW, SOY MILK REALLY TRAVELS” as one of the other employees came over with a rag, sighing and wiping up the lactose-free lake.

Then the espresso machine was jammed and the same lady who cleaned up the milkfree mess had to come to his aid again.

“This process has just been a failure every step of the way,” Josh sighed, and I started cracking up all over again. I mean, I felt bad for him but he was really taking it in stride and was quick to bandage the situation with humor. That’s my kind of person—I will small-talk my face off with people like that!

Finally, he crossed the latte finish line and as he handed the cup to me, he said, “This latte is cursed. Drink it quickly and dispose of it immediately!”

The latte, cursed or not, was perfectly crafted, in case you were wondering.

As I sipped it on my walk back to the office, I wondered…if I hadn’t given up my seat on the trolley that morning, would the soy milk’s trajectory have been different? Would I have ended up taking it to the face? I think so. I faked my Good Samaritan act well enough that I scored some good karma for Thursday!

I guess I should thank my kid for acting like a smart-ass teen simmering in a vat of sarcasm for the last 8 or so years, but it still is super startling to me that he is officially a teenager as of today.

For as much as we butt heads & word-snipe at each other, I’d like to think that we have a tight relationship and he hasn’t reached that point yet where he’s ashamed to be seen with me and Henry (I just verified this with him right now). It’s been a wild 13 years but wow, you guys, he’s really grown into such a cool homie.

He sent me this text ^^^ yesterday – like, how fucking sweet, amirite?! Granted the present was a load of banana bread that the Teen Center ringleader made, but still! He said he was originally going to give me the loaf that he had already taken a chunk out of, but then decided to give me the full loaf instead. WOW, SUCH GENEROSITY.

Everyone at work always wishes me a Happy C-Section Incision Anniversary on this day because it’s wildly known that I am super neurotic about my phantom incision pain. IT IS REAL AND I HAVE IT.

I was mad that he didn’t even have the decency to dry his dumb-ass 1970s John Ritter hair.

(As I type this, Chooch randomly has the 1980s Music Choice channel on TV and “Spring Love” by Stevie B is on but he keeps having the audacity to TALK OVER IT so I yelled, “I don’t care if it’s still your birthday, I’m trying to listen to this song so STFU!” and he murmured “Wow.”)

What else can I tell you about 13-year-old Chooch…he still loves dogs and asked every dog-walker we pass if he can pet their dog. He is desperate to get a job because he wants to build a gaming computer so he hoards every cent he gets. He loves the lottery (Henry played his birthdate for him and Chooch screamed I HAVE TO CHECK THE NUMBERS earlier tonight like a fucking 80-year-old). He still gets along better with adults. He calls everyone a dingo. He is super independent – during his spring break, he and his friend Haojie rode their bikes to one of the malls six miles away and let me tell you, I was a nervous wreck but at the same time I was like YOU DO YOU CHOOCH because I never would have thought about leaving my neighborhood when I was 13!

However, he’s also as dense as a loaf of fucking potato bread because when they decided to take the trolley home from the mall, he couldn’t find the trolley station and I was like it’s in the giant parking garage past Eat n Park, so he sent me a screenshot of a map of the area and asked me to DRAW IT?! Nate heard me bitching about this at work and came out of his office holding up the satellite view on his phone and said, “YOU MEAN THIS PARKING GARAGE, ERIN? THIS SIX-STORY PARKING GARAGE IN THE MALL PARKING LOT?” I mean, if he couldn’t see that, perhaps he shouldn’t be riding his bike miles away from home?

Anyway, they eventually found the fucking thing and I told him not once, not twice, not thrice, BUT FOUR TIMES to make sure they took the red line.

They took the blue line.

“Don’t worry,” he texted. “The driver told us what to do.”

They actually made it home, somehow.

Oh, another thing about him is that he is really charitable, like he’ll buy his friends drinks from CVS or give a homeless person a buck, but god forbid don’t ask him for one of his French fries. We had a HUGE fight over this last week which resulted in me shrieking about how I shared my body with FETUS-HIM for nine months and then spoonfed his pathetic baby-ass for however-the-fuck long but he won’t give me one fucking fry?!

He gave me two after that.

We walked to Scoops for some birthday ice cream after dinner, and I realized that this might have been the first year we didn’t get him a cake?! Is that weird? Do I get some sort of parental penalty for that oversight? Maybe I can buy him a Hostess cake from a gas station on the way to King’s Island on Saturday, or a cake pop from Starbucks? I don’t even think he cares. He got to have a sopapilla at his birthday dinner and I’m pretty sure he prefers that over cake.

I can’t wait to have patbingsu on my birthday….in Korea, hahahaha, whaddup, Chooch?!?

Anyway, here’s to thirteen happy years with my little BABY-WABY and also 13 years of having a battle-scarred, incision-twingey body thanks to my little BABY-WABY. I hope we’re always close and that when he’s an adult and I’m dead or whatever, he thinks back on his childhood fondly and tells his kids stories about how his mom was so fucking super cool and SACRIFICED HER ABILITY TO COMFORTABLY WEAR A CROP-TOP EVER AGAIN. I mean, I hope he tells them about how his parents took him everywhere and how their friends treated him like he was their friend too and how his mom was the cooler one but the dad was alright too.

(Ugh now Taylor Dayne’s “Love Will Lead You Back” is on this stupid music channel and I might be crying.)

OK, confession/unpopular opinion time: You might know that Twice was once my ult girl group. But the last song I really liked by them was Likey, which came out in…2017?  Their music just wasn’t grabbing me like it had in the past. (I low key hated Dance the Night Away, please don’t kill me.) Maybe it was a “it’s not you, it’s me” deal, but anyway what I’m trying to say is that my name was starting to rub off my Twice fan club membership card and I’ve had some mild panic growing in the back of my mind.

So when I saw that they were going to have another comeback this month, I was nervous because I always want to love it! It’s so awful to say this, because, you know, GIRL POWER or whatever, but girl group comebacks lately haven’t been captivating me nearly as much as the boys, which is sad because when I first got into kpop, I was such a devout stan of girl groups!

But wow, I am back to straight stanning these nine babes, you guys. They somehow managed to ramp up the maturity while still maintaining their signature upbeat, at-times-twinkling Twice sound and it’s everything I didn’t even know I needed. I must have watched the MV 187 times since it dropped on Monday and every time I get a new favorite part! I love how the video oscillates between the girls looking like they sprung out of a 1997 Delia’s catalogue one minute to modeling the latest Lip Service clubwear. The MV is dark, yet still colorful but more so in a neon edginess, and not in their typical bubblegum brights.

Ok I’ve dropped too many words on this. The whole point is that Twice is back, and they are better than ever. Please enjoy this and support Twice, #WCW always!

P.S. Please give Jihyo a solo, JYP. It’s what the world needs.

We’re not a religious family, not even the faux-religiosos who go to church just on holidays in order to look good or meet some kind of biblical quota, I have no idea what I’m talking about here. And Chooch is past the age where he requires an Easter basket, so even the materialistic part of the holiday is kind of just over for us.

(Actually, we got him an international snacks subscription box so someone else can prepare a monthly Easter basket for him, basically.)

However, as I mentioned before, I do really like the idea of Easter because how can you not associate it with spring and that heart fluttery-hope that comes on the heels of the end of another depressing winter?

So while we lack the bonnets and the Easter egg hunts (although Chooch did go next door to Blake and Haley’s and hid some plastic eggs while Calvin was sleeping — Chooch loves his little nephew so much and it’s pretty heart-warming, not gonna lie), I still always request that we do SOMETHING to celebrate. Usually it’s just dinner out at a Chinese restaurant, and then there was that one time we hosted a Pizza Party for Jesus Christ for some of our friends who didn’t have any family in the area. God, that was a good time.

Last year, we were in KOREA for Easter. *sobs*

For this year, I figured we’d just do the Chinese restaurant thing again but then one night, right when I was on the verge of slumber, I had the best idea: Henry could recreate the famous Inkigayo sandwiches that the kpop idols love to eat, but we’d call it the EASTERgayo sandwiches!

A brief background on the Inkigayo sandwiches: In South Korea, all of the main broadcasting stations have their own weekly music show, kind of like TRL was for MTV I guess, where all of the groups and artists perform their current hit song. One of those music shows is called Inkigayo (it means “popular”) and it’s become public knowledge that their cafeteria makes this sandwich that’s only available to staff and kpop idols, called the Inkigayo sandwich (natch). The idols supposedly go nuts for this layered handheld meal, but also there is legend that they use the sandwich as a vessel in which to secretly exchange numbers with each other, since dating is verboten for many of them (literally, some kpop groups have a no-dating clause in their contracts).

Of course, the legend focuses on G-Dragon, because he is a legend.

Goddamit I miss him.

I even made Inkigayo greeting cards for my Hello Hanguk shop! I called them InkiHELLOs, lololol I love myself.

Anyway! I thought it would be cute to make these sandwiches and have a picnic or something, but when I told Chooch the idea he was like WHY U SO CRINGE.

But Henry was like, “Whatever. Just send me the ingredients.”

Um..

I was just excited because I was able to read this without the translation. Me and my toddler-level Korean vocab!

There are all kinds of variations floating around out there, and now three convenience store chains in South Korea have started making their own and they’re all apparently completely different from each other. But the one above seems like it is the most true to the original? Hard to tell unless we ship Chooch off to JYP so he can start his idol training.

We decided to go with a nice, sturdy potato bread that wouldn’t collapse under the weight of the layers. And we even eschewed Hellman’s for the more Asian-centric Kewpie mayo (it’s Japanese, not Korean, but still felt more legit than using something American):

Plus, that mayo is a billion times better than our shit here at home.

Watching Henry slather on each layer, I had my reservations. I mean, we used up nearly an entire loaf of bread on this, so I hoped it wasn’t going to be all for naught.

Just in case, I threw some fruit in the basket and proposed that we swing by Pink Box for some baked goods and boba tea.

God, I love Pink Box. Asian breads are so underrated.

We found a picnic shelter in nearby Schenley Park but of course I had to take a lame picture first, not that anyone seemed in much of a hurry to dig in to some ‘gayos.

Chooch’s first bite produced some not-great reactions…

…but then by the second bite, his face transformed into this mischievous smirk and I could tell he didn’t want to admit it, but after he finished chewing, he said, “OK, holy shit. That’s actually REALLY GOOD.”

This morning he said he wished he had one to take to school today for lunch. Even with all that bread, it’s still probably a healthier option than anything in that gross cafeteria!

His official review was, “Great sandwich, cringey name.”

I can’t explain it, and it looks like crazy talk on paper, but it was one DAMN FINE sandwich. We all scarfed ours without ever putting them down on the plate. I mean, how we didn’t have at least one choking victim is beyond me.

(I even brought out the nice tea sandwich plates that I got for 99 cents at Goodwill, lol.)

Henry went light on the mayo and I think that was the trick:

• the cabbage salad was so crisp and bright, and the apple really added a nice touch (HE ALMOST FORGOT THE ADDITION OF THE APPLE, IT’S A GOOD THING I WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN THAT MORNING TO SUPERVISE/MICROMANAGE).
• the egg & potato combo was moist (not sorry) without being wet and drippy. Henry left the crab meat out of Chooch’s and my sandwiches, but he added it to his and said it was fine. I liked that the potatoes made it chewier.

I know that you’re wondering about the strawberry jam and I actually wish there was MORE. It really added the perfect, final touch! It was a light, sweet bridge between two picnic-y salads and it didn’t aggravate my gag reflex as expected!

It makes sense to me  though, as someone who welcomes the addition of jam on her grilled cheeses. I’m fine with any flavor on a standard grilled cheese, one with cheddar or some American slices, but my all-time favorite grilled cheese is dill Havarti on pumpernickel with FIG JAM.

Oh sweetly-spanked Mussolini, I would drop my tears onto one of those right now if I could.

(Sometimes Henry will make that one for me with raspberry preserves in lieu of fig jam and it is a comparable substitution.)

Look, I get the appeal of places like Melt but sometimes I just want a simple-sized grilled cheese (i.e. something I don’t have to eat with a fork) with super classy ingredients, OK?

My mouth is crying.

We were going to do an Easter photoshoot so the bunny ears came along but who even cares anymore. We were punch-drunk off our EASTERgayo sandwiches by this point.

After our lunch, we promised that kid that he could look for geocaches but instead of just staying in Schenley, we left and went to neighboring Frick Park, where Chooch took us down a fucking deer trail into peoples’ backyards and we were like, “YOU’RE GOING TO GET THE COPS CALLED ON US, DUMBASS” and have I mentioned lately how much I hate geocaching?

He only ended up finding two because he sucks at directions and my shoes got ruined because I thought we were going to woods that had cement paths and Henry was like, “THAT’S CALLED A SIDEWALK” but whatever. I was woefully unprepared and I hate walking in mud. Like, a lot.

Some rando fairy town in the woods. This made me laugh because earlier that morning, I accidentally stumbled across this holistic girl’s YouTube channel and before I knew was happening, I had watched six videos, added a bunch of reiki mushroom powders to Henry’s Amazon cart, and a had an intense craving for a kombucha float (made with like, vanilla oat milk ice cream, probably). Henry was like, “This bitch be annoying” but I liked her simply because her voice was soothing and she sounded like she lived inside a mushroom in a forest full of fairies. So when we found this dumbass display in Frick Park, I started cracking up because she probably has a similar set up next to her squirrel wigwam.

Meanwhile, Chooch was looking up geocaches in Seoul. “Look how many are in Hongdae!” he cried, and I was like, why? Are you pre-planning all the ways you’re going to ruin my birthday trip?

HE PRACTICALLY RUINED EASTER WITH HIS GEOCACHING SHENANIGANS.

Hoooooo lawd, I hate rooting around nature for Tupperware.

Anyway! That was our Easter. Only one tiny complaint was that it was cloudy and on the chilly side, but at least we didn’t fight at all! It was an Easter miracle.

(Those EASTERgayos, tho…)

A Chooch For Every Year: 2006-2019

My LITTLE BABY (lol) is going to be THIRTEEN on Thursday, and even though we’re going to be celebrating his big day of birth at King’s Island next weekend, I still wanted to do something small & casual so that our close friends and family could be there too. He’s teetering on that crazy-emotional Not a Kid Anymore But What Am I precipice where he irrationally thinks that we don’t care about him so…fun times!

I thought a small surprise dinner the weekend before his birthday would be perfect, and I made real life invitations to send out too because, you know, how do you invite people to a party when you’re not on Facebook anymore?

And even such a small event still gave me pee-jigs and puke-feels all day leading up to the surprise.

Chooch has been craving Mexican food like a pregnant lady binge-watching telenovelas (he actually is binge’ing* Jane the Virgin and yes I know they’re not Mexican but it’s kind of funny because it basically is a telenovela and in fact, he’s sitting next to me as I type this, trying to give me recaps of the last episode he watched and I truly, sincerely don’t care), so it seemed obvious that we should make Old Mexico the location of the festivities.

*(That word is so weird—like, how do you even spell it. It doesn’t look right no matter which way I’ve seen it and I wish it wasn’t a thing.)

And then the night before, Chooch told us he was going on a hike the next day with the Teen Center and I panicked because WE HAD TO BE AT THE RESTAURANT BY 4:15 AND HAD ACTUAL RESERVATIONS AND THIS LITTLE SHIT WAS GOING TO RUIN HIS OWN PARTY! It ended up being fine, and they got back way earlier than expected, plus he was with his friend Liam so I suggested that he ask Liam to come to dinner (he knew we were going to dinner, but not that a bunch of guests were going to be waiting for him) and Henry was like “GREAT, ERIN” because Henry hates socializing with Chooch’s friends but I like Liam! He was allowed to go so that was cool.

Anyway, everyone managed to get there on time (except for Wendy but I knew ahead of time that she would be late so I wasn’t mad!) and he was so shocked! I was also shocked that everyone who RSVPd really came! MY MOM AND DAD WERE BOTH THERE YOU GUYS. This has never happened. I almost cried, and my dad paid for my mom!! (They divorced like 20 years ago or something but have grown amicable over the years so it wasn’t really that huge of a deal, but now Chooch is like, “MAYBE THEY’LL BE LIKE XIOMARA AND ROGELIO!!” which is a stupid Jane the Virgin reference, so if Chooch tries to do some Grandparent Trap action, that’s not my fault!!)

Tommy and Jessy brought this big birthday balloon with them which was a GOOD CALL because I brought nothing. No party artifacts. No birthday ephemera. No Eyes Wide Shut masks.

After we got to the table, I asked Chooch if he was surprised and he said, “I mean, the hostess asked us if we were with the table of 15, so…”

FUCK.

I think he was still surprised though. In my head, he was surprised.

This was his first time seeing Tommy after THE PRANK. Tommy signed the card “and Charlie” which was the name he was using to prank Chooch with last week, haha.

Wendy made me take this picture of her and then I threatened to put it on our department’s wiki page and she was like, “Oh god, please don’t” and then I told my parents, “This is my friend Wendy, we work together and she’s like my boss, I guess.”

I was so happy that my parents and brother Ryan were there! My other brother had to work, and another person who had to work WAS BLAKE. He tried so hard to get someone to switch with him but it was a no-go and he was pretty bummed out, but Haley, Calvin and Lily were there to represent the Robbins side of the family!

I was so happy that everyone seemed to mesh well with each other, because you never know with dinners like this – they could be awkward!

Also, Henry never looks at us the way he looks at Calvin!?

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I think it helped that half of us were drinking margaritas. Patty asked me to go check the parking lot toward the end of the dinner to see if her ride was there, and I have to admit that I have no recollection of how I got from the dinner table to the front door of the restaurant, so…

Also, I rarely drink anymore so it really doesn’t take much.

Liam got fish which was an interesting choice I thought for a kid at a Mexican restaurant. I got the vegetable plate with rice and I thought I would be food-shamed over it because again, who goes to a Mexican restaurant for undressed vegetables but I knew that anything else would make me sick for the rest of the night, so I went for it. When it was served to me though, everyone was like, “Whoa, that smells so good! What did you get?” and it was literally just Mexican rice and a boatload of fajita-esque vegetables and it was SO GOOD. I scarfed down that whole plate, felt fulfilled, and didn’t want to puke later that night!

Thank you, Old Mexico!

OMG Wendy talking to my dad, lololol.

Patty and Jessy just met that night but hit it off!

This might be favorite picture of the night: Chooch and his soon-to-be sister-in-law Haley, and believe me, they are definitely sibling-ish!

Chooch and his pal, Patty! She volunteers at the nursing home she used to be a resident at, and she said some of the residents remembered Chooch from when we would visit and he would play piano for them, so they asked her to relay their birthday wishes for him and I thought that was so sweet. Look, I’m really grateful that Patty was able to leave there and go back to her own house, but I do miss when we used to visit her there. Some of those people were major characters!

Chooch with Jessy and Tommy! Tom is his frenemy for real, but they’re like family to us even though we don’t see them often anymore. I was so freaking happy that they could make it, because they live pretty far away.

Wendy and Summer with my family!

Chooch and Janna—man, she has been there from the beginning and is basically family to him. I actually confirmed the date of his dinner with her first before I even made invitations because it was imperative that she be there, duh.

Poor Liam had no fucking idea what he signed up for. He thought he was just tagging along to a quiet family dinner with his friend, lol.

And then Chooch ordered a sopapilla, not knowing that it was going to turn into A THING because he didn’t grow up with the horror of being birthday-shamed by the staff at ChiChi’s like the rest of us did. (RIP, ChiChi’s, and also the people who died because of your poisoned green onions.)

(OMG that fucking corn sidedish they had. WHY, CHICHI’S, WHYYYYYY???? COME BAAAAAACK!!)

One of the waiters gave Chooch a handful of whipped cream to the face and I died. If anyone deserves whipped cream to the face, it’s certainly my kid.

This happened after Jessy commented that Chooch looked the same as he did when he was younger except without the constant ring of ice cream and dirt around his lips and he was like HOLD MY LEMONADE.

This kid will forever make a mess at dinner,

What a great turnout! I think he really felt loved and at the end of the day, this was all I wanted from that dinner.

On the way home, I told him that Chronica couldn’t make it because Chris was flying home from Calgary that day and her flight was delayed. (She ended up not getting home until after 10PM, sadly.)

“Chris and her stupid countries!” Chooch cried.

And when I told him that Kara had tickets to the Beer Barge, he scoffed, “Really? Kara chose BEER over ME?”

Anyway, I’m glad that we pulled this off without any drama and minimal stress so that now I can selfishly focus on King’s Island which you have to know is really more for me than anyone else, lol. LOOK, HE WOULDN’T HAVE A BIRTHDAY IF NOT FOR ME, SO.

Why does winter drag the fuck along like a person with a poorly-fitted prosthetic but then April hits the deck running? This month is more than halfway over and it’s been a blur, and we still have two more weekends that are teed up for some action.

I haven’t had much energy or free time to blog as much as I would like, so I’ve been kind of taking a natural progression of just blogging less each week. To be honest, when I blogged on LiveJournal, I only posted a handful of times each month. I hope that I’ll be able to get back into it mentally, but an increase in stress at my job and also a more rigorous workout schedule that I have been holding myself accountable to has really left me with very little in the tank at the end of the day.

Ugh lifestyle changes, amirite.

Anyway, here are some photos and quick recaps of things that happened this week.

• The trees all look like this ^^^ for the time being and even cloudy days are that much more happy because of it. It’s also helping me get in the Mood for Easter, which is probably my second favorite holiday after Halloween which makes no sense because I’m not religious and I don’t have a little kid who still believes in the Easter Bunny but I guess it’s because it always arrives on that wave of SPRINGTIME HOPE where we’re all starting to realize that winter hasn’t killed us. Tomorrow is Easter and we don’t have grand plans but I did get an idea of how I want to celebrate so we’ll have to see if that pans out – CHECK BACK. #suspense
• Speaking of Easter, Marlene came over to my desk yesterday before leaving work and, hesitantly, asked, “OK, curiosity has gotten the best of me. I have to know – how do you celebrate Easter?” She recently learned about our cemetery Christmas picnics and some other things that I always forget aren’t the norm for regular families, so now she’s kind of slowly pulling off my layers, one holiday at a time. I told her my hopeful plans and she was like, “Oh for god’s sake. I love you.” The other day, she overheard me telling Carrie some ofhand remark about how I always thought that my mom’s younger sister was actually my mom and she slowly turned around and said, “OK, I have to know—WHAT are you talking about?!” and then that started a landslide of family history falling out of my mouth and she was like, “You could be a writer for a soap opera.”  I don’t talk much at work these days, but when you get me started, look out. (I used to get called into the office for talking too much back when BARB still worked there, lol. Now I’m like a mute.)

• In other work news, Sue walked past me one day and chuckled because I was wearing my desk cardigan backward, so that my arms went through the sleeves the opposite way and the back was actually covering my front (JUST IN CASE YOU NEEDED MORE WORDS IN ORDER TO VISUALIZE IT) and I was like, “What? I’m aiming for that Snuggie-feel!” I know a lot of people have this same problem — our office’s thermostat is set to Indoor Winter and it’s a struggle. Now with summer on the way, we’re preparing for the worst of it because as the temperatures outside rise, the temperatures inside turn to REMEMBER JANUARY. Nate will sometimes stealthily do a thermostat-check drive-by and crank it up a few notches when the Hot Ones aren’t around. Anyway, Sue came over to my desk yesterday and said, “Here, I saw this and had to get it for you” and IT IS A SNUGGIE! I’ve never had a real Snuggie before!
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  You guys, it’s wonderful, and you can’t tell from this picture, but it’s actually OMBRE! I sent this picture to Henry and he thought for a second that I was in a hospital gown and got scared, lol. Henry has feelings, too, you guys.

• Here’s a picture of Chooch, lambasting Henry via speaker because we came back from our evening jog and Henry had left for the store after CHOOCH SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM to wait because he wanted to go too. Not because he had some secret personal items he needed to procure, but because there’s a fucking geocache in the parking lot of Kuhn’s. I guess we’re back on the geocache kick, sadly. The other day, he shoved his phone in my face and yelled, “THERE ARE SO MANY GEOCACHES IN SEOUL!” Yeah, I’m not spending my birthday trip to Korea searching for geocaches on Naver maps, my friend.

• Drew is so taken with BTS’s latest comeback* that she has stolen Henry’s bias, Park Jimin. *(This is probably because she’s brainwashed by it since no matter what we’re watching on YouTube, it always automatically goes right back to some BTS performance when the video ends and it’s so fucking annoying. LIKE STOP TRYING TO CONTROL OUR YOUTUBE, ARMY!! I will say though that now that they’re doing their official comeback on all of the Korean music shows, it feels so much more normal to me. Their SNL performance was just…OK…compared to their real Korean stages.)
• This morning, Henry was cleaning and found some cat pee-stained note that he wrote to me FOUR MTHS INTO our relationship. He was trying to throw it away but I grabbed it and read it dramatically out loud in front of him while he mumbled about it all being lies and he didn’t mean any of the lovey shit he wrote and then when I asked “You’re not going to keep this?” he yelled, “No! It has CAT PEE on it” and by cat pee I think he means “evidence” that he once loved me.

• Chooch was being pranked Monday night by the Green Man, aka our friend Tommy, and I was going to write an entire post about it because it was so funny but really it just makes me look like a shit mom because Chooch got really angry about it at the end even though he was laughing his ass off throughout the rest of it. Basically, Tommy was pretending to be the Green Man and texting him faux-menacing things. Obviously Chooch knew it wasn’t actually the Green Man and actually was positive that it was Janna until Janna finally sent him a picture to prove to him that she wasn’t even home, and then Tommy started actually calling him and talking to him in a creepy growl. Chooch was cracking up and then after Tommy hung up, Chooch called him back and it went to his voicemail, which clearly stated his name, so I was like, “Oh well, the jig’s up, that was fun while it was lasted” BUT CHOOCH TOTALLY DIDN’T NOTICE.
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  He called back like 5 more times and still never caught that Tommy was actually saying his full name in his voicemail message! THAT’S MY GENIUS SON. Anyway, this went on for like an hour, just harmless “I’m watching you” type things and I was like, “I can’t believe he hasn’t accused me of being involved in this yet” especially considering how hard I started laughing from the moment Tommy sent the first text. Henry eventually was like “This is getting old” and went to bed, but I stayed up with Chooch because I had to see this through to the end at this point. Guys, it went on for awhile. I sent Jessy the above photo of Chooch reading the first of the messages to us and Tommy started to saying things like, “I LIKE YOUR UNICORN” or whatever so Chooch was like,  “OK IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN OUR HOUSE” but then Tommy started asking me things that Chooch was doing in real time, so I texted that he was chewing on a piece of paper, and when “The Green Man” called Chooch out on that, he got RILL PARANOID, Y’ALL. Never mind the fact that I was sitting right next to him, texting him the whole time, never once considered it was me. So then I made the mistake of suggesting that he was being watched through his iPhone and HE FLIPPED HIS SHIT. That’s the beauty of this wonderful hormonal shit he’s going through — you never which way the wind will blow around him these days. He got a piece of masking tape and put it over the camera on his phone, THREW HIS PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM ONTO THE CHAIR, and frantically said to me, “Forget King’s Island*. Don’t waste money on that. Buy me a new phone instead. I don’t trust Apple. I want a Samsung.” He was REALLY ‘noiding out by now and actually was on the verge of tears, so I had to put a moratorium on the mystery messages immediately. “Chooch, it’s TOMMY,” I said. “TOMMY is pranking you.” There was one, drawn-out moment of silence where we just stared at each other. “You knew?” he whispered, with steely resolve. And then he just snapped and started screaming about how much he hates me and just to clarify, it wasn’t THE GREEN MAN he was afraid of, it was the possibility of some creepy old man watching him through his phone, so OK OK OK, touche dear son! You have a valid point — this is an honest concern in the year 2019 with all this fucked up technology we have. Anyway, he ran off to his room and we went to bed that night hating each other because my natural instinct is to automatically get mad in return when someone is mad at me because I’M A FUCKING PSYCHO LEO, but by the next morning, we were fine and even laughing about it, and Tommy apologized to him too and Chooch said he accepted it, so what a HAPPY VALLEY ENDING. They should make a Family Circus comic about this.

  • *(I’m not “forgetting” King’s Island. WE ARE GOING THERE NEXT SATURDAY FOR HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY EVEN IF HE HATES ME. We will ride Mystic Timbers hatefully!)

• This was me ^^^ during the meeting I had to call in for on Thursday when I was working from home, only without the hamburger, although I was pretty much chewing on my fist, so..? It was originally supposed to be a video conference which wouldn’t have been that bad because even on days I work from home, I’m usually presentable because I’m the vainest bitch you’ll ever meet even if it’s not outwardly noticeable at first. But, I didn’t want my messy house to be seen and also, Penelope runs around the house nearly all day screaming at her weird collection of pom poms, so I was pretty excited when Amber decided to nix that idea.

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• I’m just as excited as everyone else that Game of Thrones is back, but even after watching the last episode of the last season and watching an hour-long recap of all of the seasons on YouTube, I still asked, “Wait—who’s that?” every other minute during the Season 8 preview. Why am I such a failure. Also, the people who were shaming people on Twitter for being excited about this can suck a diseased one because if someone’s joy over a TV show is affecting your daily life, then perhaps it’s because you don’t actually HAVE a life. I see a lot of people being excited about a lot of things I’m not into or understand and I just scroll past and literally never think about it again. Social media really gives people major personality disorders, I fucking swear to god. I’m 100% off Facebook, have a reminder set up to let me know when I’ve spent an hour on Instagram so that’s really helped me pare down the amount of time I waste on that app, and Twitter’s next. I don’t think I’ll ever go cold-turkey on those two apps but I definitely want to minimize my time spent there, for sure.
  • On the flipside of this, my unwillingness to be more involved on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter definitely keeps me from expanding my businesses but shit you guys, I just don’t have time to post Stories about the cards I’m working on, or the money to buy followers.

Is this an adequate update on my life? I think so! Hope everyone who celebrates it has a great Easter weekend! And if you don’t celebrate it, I hope you at least get to clean up on discounted Easter candy at the store!

One of my favorite places to take visiting friends is the Mattress Factory. It’s like the hidden gem of Pittsburgh–everyone wants to go  to the Warhol but I would recommend the Mattress Factory over that one any day because it’s such an immersive experience and I always feel a tiny bit like Alice in Wonderland when I visit.

I also walk away with a myriad of interior design concepts, much to Henry’s chagrin.

(I think if I ever wrote an auto-biography, it would be titled And It Was Much to Henry’s Chagrin, actually.)

Anyway! I was stoked when Michelle opted to explore the MF over the Warhol, so I met her and Kira there during a Sunday downpour. I had hoped that the rain and the Penguins playoff game would keep people at home and out of my sacred factory of no-mattresses, but alas, it ended up being the most crowded I’ve even seen it.

Which still wasn’t that crowded, but I’ve been spoiled over the years and have grown accustomed to having this place nearly all to myself!

The top floor is currently occupied by an eye-candy expo produced by a Brazilian duo called OSGEMEOS  I was gushing about how it was living room goals for me and Michelle was like, “Yu’re pretty much halfway there, aren’t you?” SIGH, I GUESS but Henry still hasn’t helped me with the humongous light-up Seoul wall-hanging I dreamt up. And my dining room and kitchen are crying for color.

Maybe OSGEMEOS can take up residency in my house and help out a little. (A lot.)

I was really inspired back then by an artist I met at the Three Rivers Arts Festival – Robert Villamagna. That man really opened my eyes to the world of making art from repurposed materials and I still have the postcard he signed for me from 1996!

When I was dating Psycho Mike, back in 1997, he moved out of his parents house in the beginning of that summer and was living in some glorified drug den (let’s be real, he lived with an ex-con and some other questionable character above a Pittsburgh Paints store in Little Washington). I made him this awesome (in my eyes) mixed media piece for his room so he would have some sort of character, flavor if you will. Plus, he lived an hour away from me at that point and I didn’t drive, so we didn’t get to see each other that much. Anyway, I used some leftover wallpaper from my bedroom as the background, and that wallpaper was a throwback to that foil-craze of the 60s and 70s. It was awesome, silver foil with purple and white splatter-overlay. I can’t remember offhand all the things that went into this piece, but it was like a nostalgia collage that featured things that were pertinent to our relationship, and I had strands of beaded curtains hanging from it (the chunky plastic ones that Spencer’s used to sell in the 90s) and I had it rigged with several large Christmas candle bulbs, so it lit up too.

That motherfucker appreciated it as much as Lori Laughlin’s brat-daughter appreciated her bullshit college admission. I wish I had taken it back but I’m sure somewhere along the way it ended up in some syringe-filled dumpster in Washington.

Anyway, my point is, I have been a fan of outrageous mixed media works since my impressionable teenage years and still cherish the one lone Villamagna piece I have on my wall that I bought 15 years ago when I was broke and definitely probably should have been using that money to pay rent or like, buy food maybe. So yeah, these OSGEMEOS bros really breathed some color into that rainy day.

I feel like Henry would have really liked this wall for some reason?

(HAIRSTYLE INSPO?)

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There’s a zoetrope in one room which only runs at certain times, and Michelle had to explain to me what a zoetrope is because I’m an art poser. We had about 45 minutes before the soonest zoetrope showing so we decided we’d explore the rest of the exhibits and go back up closer to 2. It was about 1:55 when we returned and that room was already starting to fill up with people and of course the tallest people were standing in  the front, flaunting their giraffe-like physiques while the rest of us were trying to peer through the crooks of their arms.

One of the MF docents, before gearing up the zoetrope, did ask all of the tall people to move off to the side so that was kind of them but then some asshole mom who was “looking for her son” (yeah right) came out of nowhere and planted her feet right in front of me. What an asshole.

Through a series of calculated contortions, I was able to see enough of the zoetrope and then I retreated to the back of the room because it was starting to feel like being near the barricade at a metal show and I couldn’t breathe. This is not how I want to experience art, thanks!

It was still cool though and Kira got a good front-row spot so that was all that mattered to me because I am a selfless human being (at times).

And now, here are some more fotos of our jaunt through the Mattress Factory.

The Yayoi Kusama exhibit is a permanent installation and I probably have 57 photos from this room over the years but it just never gets old posing with the polka-dotted mannequins.

Taemin came with me this time!

After perusing the four floors in the main building, Kira cried art-uncle, so we said our goodbyes and made a million promises to hang out again soon (I want to take them to Kennywood and Michelle tipped me off about a new art museum opening in Columbus, so I think it’s safe to say that we’ll see each other again before summer ends!), and then I walked down the street to see the two annexes. One of them still had the same exhibit as the last  time I visited and while it’s really cool, I hate that building because the hallways are extremely narrow and it actually reminds me a little bit of trying to navigate through the old Chuck E. Cheese “Cheese Factory” of yore, props to you if you remember this hell-house from the 80s! The only way out of this building is the same way you entered, so once you get to the third floor, you have to turn around and squeeze past everyone behind you and it’s so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable and the last time I was there, I panicked because I bumped into part of the exhibit and thought I broke it BUT PROBABLY NO ONE WOULD HAVE EVEN NOTICED.

The second annex was sad times because the main room was closed in preparation for the next display, so there was way less to see, considering most of the stuff in that building is a permanent collection. However, I was only there for the “Screen” exhibit anyway, so what did I care.

I kept seeing people posting pictures of it on Instagram but I couldn’t see past MY FAVORITE COLOR COMBO OF PINK AND GREEN (maybe second only to pink and gold) to realize what was actually going on here until I was there myself.

Fun fact about me: when I was about 3 or 4, we moved into my dad’s house in Castle Shannon (this was back before my mom married him and he officially adopted me). I’m sure it had something to do with the trauma of being uprooted, but I fucking SWEAR TO GOD I used to see this tiny green man running across my bedroom floor. Like three times I saw him! It could have also been because my aunt Susie used to try to scare me when we’d be in the car by pointing out the window and saying, “DID YOU SEE THAT LITTLE GREEN MAN OUT THERE?!” and then I’d be all, “PAPPAP MAKE HER STOP BEING MEAN TO ME!” Rinse, repeat. Maybe I just had little green men on the brain and psychically manifested them into my vision, OR MAYBE THEY WERE REAL. In any case, these green men were a definite blast from the past, albeit a bit taller and, um, nude-r.

I would definitely remember if I saw a green man weener back then. It probably would have changed the trajectory of my life, even!

GUYS, THAT’S ME!

It took me a hot minute to realize what was happening here but once I figured it out with my Big Bad Brain, I was obsessed with playing around with it!

Welp, that concludes another trip to the Mattress Factory. I wonder how many times a day someone asks the docents, “but when are we going to see the mattresses?” a la Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

You know, I had a feeling that April was going to be the month where the metaphorical ice melted off my social life. Goddammit, I love it when I’m right. My friend Michelle was in town to see Les Ballets Trockadero with one of her daughters and had an extra ticket so she invited me to join them!

I was really excited because it seemed like something that would appeal to me, plus I haven’t seen Michelle since our Great Michigan Road Trip of 2014 where we missed Chronica’s engagement party and now “Michigan” is basically the name of the stripper I cheated on them with!

I’ve known Michelle for a HELLA long time thanks to the friendship-creating powerhouse known as LiveJournal, but we only met that one time “in real life.” She lives a lot closer now, in Ohio, so hanging out will be a lot easier!

When I was telling Blake about my ballet plans at breakfast that morning, he was shocked. “You still have friends from LiveJournal?!”

UM, YEAH, BLAKE. Only about 75% of them turned on me or ended up having personality disorders*, but I’ve still got the rest!

*(I could write a book just on all of those failed e-friendships, LORD JESUS.)

I met Michelle and her daughter Kira in front of their hotel Saturday evening and it was so great to see them! They were both dressed super cool for the ballet – Michelle had on these slick silver shoes that made me want to listen to some 80’s new wave in a big way. Ugh, they were so cool! We walked across that one bridge by PNC Park and I got to point out the only thing I know — the building I work in. I’m such a good tour guide!

(Speaking of tour guiding- the Army Navy store that sold the machete to the guy who went on a Voorhees-esque rampage at the Wood Street T station has closed! That was one the landmarks on my unofficial walking tour of Pittsburgh!)

Here I am keeping my streak alive of looking like shit in a group selfie, and also Kira was so lucky that I didn’t try to steal that giant Kit Kat from her. I love a Kit Kat every now and then, where “then” equals “constantly.”

I realized when we arrived at the Byham that I hadn’t been there since 2003 when Henry and I went to see Sigur Ros, where my passionate review could be summarized by “it was a religious experience and I was re-Baptized by my own face fountain of tears,” whereas Henry’s review was “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

So, wow, Byham – it’s been a while!

(Maybe this is sign that I need more culture in my life, though?)

Guys, I didn’t know anything about this thing until Michelle told me that’s why she was coming to town and I was like, “HMM WHAT IS THIS TROCKADERO” and then slowly slammed-spelled it out with one finger on the keyboard. I figured it must be Really Something because it was sold out, so I didn’t hesitate to take Michelle up on her offer when she found herself with an extra ticket. Not only did I get to hang out with Michelle and Kira, but I got to see a fabulously entertaining poke at tradition ballet. Admittedly, my only knowledge of ballet comes from my terrible one-year stint at it when I took classes at St. Elizabeth with Amy L. in 1st grade and pretty much cried before every class, and “Suspiria” (the original Argento version, not the remake, obvi).

Oh, and I did see “Black Swan” too – does that count?

Anyway — I loved this! I didn’t realize that these guys are actually classically trained, not just some random Joes off the street. They were fucking fantastic and I felt that they parodied the dances just the right amount and pulled back each time just before it became too heavy-handed or Loony Toons-esque.

Afterward, we got to walk back over the bridge and sometimes I forget just how cool Pittsburgh is at night with all the bridges that I am generally afraid of but was distracted this time since I had company. Michelle commented on how Pittsburgh has so many bridges and I waned to wow her with Real Facts, but I couldn’t remember off-hand that cool bridge trivia I learned five years ago on the Just Ducky tour I went on with some co-workers. Something about how we have more bridges than Venice? Like over 400? I can’t remember. Maybe Google that before you quote me. And DEFINITELY don’t ever use me as your Phone a Friend if you ever get asked a Pittsburgh question, Jesus Christ. I’m the un-Yinzeriest person living here, I think.

I made Henry watch some of their YouTube videos when I got home that night and when I saw an interview with this dancer, he became my immediate favorite because I got major Ten from WayV/NCT vibes! I would totally go see this again if the opportunity ever arose. Big ups to Michelle for culturizing me in my own town!

****

SIDEBAR: Speaking of Ten, here’s this recent choreo he made with Winwin that I am obsessed with and I saw that one of the kpop pinmakers designed a mock-up for this and if she gets it made into an actual pin, I am 100% there for that. I could watch Ten dance all day long. He might be my second favorite dancer, right behind Taemin.

My egghead son got straight A’s again and our half-assed tradition is to let him pick a place to eat out (as opposed to our usual parenting tactic of forgetting to feed him). He almost immediately chose the neighborhood sandwich hotspot, Parker’s, and no one argued with that.

• Can we walk there? CHECK
• Is it cheap? CHECK
• Is the owner the coolest guy in town? CHECK TIMES OUR ZIPCODE

Parker’s is one of those places that we love but don’t hit up very often. “Why don’t we eat here more often?” Chooch and I are known to questioningly lament when we walk past it, which is nearly everyday.

Well, it’s one of those places that closes at 3pm so weeknights are out. And we honestly just don’t dine out too often, because I’m always freaking out about things I learned in that nutrition class I attended once in a dream.

We invited Blake and his brood–Haley was working, sadly, so it was just me, Lily, and a bunch of boys. When we got to the Boulevard, it was POPPIN’! Spring has definitely sprung. I always bitch about my town but there is really something special about that main street in spring and summer. And there have been so many improvements over the last few years so it’s not just a row of dives and pits.

The addition of Parker’s is definitely one of the best improvements!

I ordered the Sunnydale which is meatless and comes on a pretzel bun and who doesn’t like a pretzel bun other than people who don’t like pretzely breads.

Chooch and I gloated because Parker himself acknowledged us as usual and NOT HENRY. Not gonna lie, I’d probably try to pursue Parker if I were single.

Lol.

Gotta get them free ‘wiches.

Meanwhile, Calvin got french toast sticks and licked every single one of them so then no one else could try one, THANKS CALVIN!

Henry and Lily scrutinized Chooch’s coloring skills.

Then the guy who owns the gaming place came in with his gf and said, “Congrats on being student of the month at the teen center!” and I was like, “Well, there are only like 8 kids there, so….” because my self-deprecation extends to Chooch, but then I whispered, “How did Ed know!?!?” and Chooch just shrugged.

After breakfast, we went next door to the post office to mail some card orders and our favorite postal worker Michael gave Chooch and Calvin suckers and I was like, “Really, we come here every Saturday and this is the first I’m seeing of these suckers?!”

Then! We walked past the fire station and the firemen let Calving sit in the fire truck for no reason other than he is a baby and for god’s sake, I miss being a baby! Also, I miss being a blond 18-year-old, because I got a lot of perks at that age too, just saying.

Then! Immediately after this, we crossed the street and Chooch tripped over the curb and twisted his knee, causing A Scene right in front of our Mexican friend manning the taco cart so that was great, but luckily Chooch lived to take another step.

Then! We went to the library so Chooch could get a new library card and the librarians scowled because they are the only people in our neighborhood who hate them. I just asked him why and he said because they’re stupid…and also because he talks in a volume one level up from a whisper, and one time he–GOD FORBID–helped someone on the computer.

I’m sure there isn’t ANY OTHER reason, you guys.

Our last stop was the bakery for post-breakfast dessert (what, that’s a thing) and then on the way home, some lady was all HI RILEY and it turns out it was the woman who is in charge of the teen center, and then the weird lady who lives in the big house up the street started asking me about Lily because I was pushing her in the stroller and my immediate response was to yell, “SHE IS NOT MY BABY” like a paranoid kidnapper, and then some girl who lives on our block walked by with her dogs and said, “I saw on Facebook that you’re student of the month at the teen center!” so then Chooch and I exchanged “a-ha!” looks and he checked Facebook and found this:

So, mystery solved!

Also, Henry and I went back up to the boulevard later that day to get our weekly supply of pita bread and dates from Pitaland, and the guy working was all, “HELLO FRIENDS” because we’re there so often, and then we went to CVS and Chooch’s cashier-friend Hayley rang us up and then later I saw Chooch’s friend Spencer the corgi and his owner Bob and I started cracking up because it’s kind of like a Yinzer Stars Hollow, now that I think about it, and Chooch is Rory.

Every time I start to consider moving away from Brookline, I think of the boulevard and how it has everything we need short of an Asian market (it does have a Chinese restaurant, a Chinese massage parlor, and a Vietnamese nail salon though!) and then I realize that I have somehow become attached to this town over the years.

Saturday was just a really perfect spring day all around. And the rest of the weekend was great too but that’s a post for later!

Oh damn, end of the week already. Well, let’s get this Friday Five thang started. I know, I can’t  believe I’m still blogging, either. Stick a fork in it, Erin!

Random “look it’s spring in the city” picture. 

1. WTF Lunch and Apple Slumming

Typing this takes guts, because I’m about to admit something that goes against my every belief. You guys know that I am an apple snob, a forbidden fruit aficionado, a pomme princess, only permitting those designer hybrids to touch my palate…

…but on Wednesday…

I ATE A BASIC RED DELICIOUS.

Literally, the Walmart brand of apples.

And…it was surprisingly OK! Perhaps I’m becoming less apple hipster-ish now that I’m nearing 40, or maybe Red Delicious apples aren’t as 1950s Housewife Vanilla as I remember, or maybe I was just really hungry because we had a meeting that day and boxed lunches were provided, but us handful of vegetarians got a pretty unusual option. I actually thought the veg box I grabbed was an accident, the one defective box in the bunch, but after talking to Maggie–another meat-free department co-worker–I confirmed that our option was actually intentional. In the year 2019, this catering company couldn’t think of anything better to fulfill a vegetarian order than a sandwich roll loaded with one piece of lettuce, a ziplock bag with two tomato slices, and another (leaking) ziplock filled with some weird marinated cauliflower shit that I think was meant to be put inside the bun?! I ate less than half and threw the rest out because WTF was that.

Maggie said she took the lettuce off, saved the bun, and made a PB&J in her office with it after the meeting. Ugh, maybe I should stock up on some Uncrustables for these situations.

Seeing that I wasn’t eating my sandwich, Todd tried to offer me his apple but he had a GREEN ONE and I was like, “EW TODD ARE YOU KIDDING ME I DON’T EAT GREEN APPLES!” Ugh! Nice try.

So yeah, that Red Delicious that I was given in my lunch box was a welcome source of sustenance at that point! I forgot how OK-tasting those classic fruit-balls really are.

Meanwhile, Lauren was sitting next to me and her choice was like, roast beef or something and that sandwich was fucking LOADED.

I sound like a bitchbaby, but I’m really appreciative that there even WAS an option provided for us veg-lifers, but come on, catering people. It’s 2019! Surely not all of your clientele eats meat. Do better!

2. Still Crying Over Jonghyun

I mentioned earlier this week that it was the late Jonghyun’s birthday.  I wore some of my Jonghyun memorial pins on Monday in his honor and tried hard to just be a nice person to everyone I encountered (with the exception of Henry, haha) all week, even strangers on the street. I even tried real hard not to scowl at the abortion protesters who have set up shop again in front of Planned Parenthood.

I was doing OK until last night. I kept seeing this “Classical Musicians React to Jonghyun” in my YouTube feed but I kept scrolling past because I knew it would upset me. But then after Henry went to bed last night, I ended up putting it on because I’m a glutton, and before I knew it, I was straight sobbing. And not just “fake Instagram crying” but like, full-body weeping, entire face wet, choking on eye-spit, violent nose-blowing, now-my-stomach-hurts C-R-Y-I-N-G. Not only were they saying really complimentary things about Jonghyun as an artist, musician, vocalist, and lyricist, they were genuinely moved and some were visibly overcome with emotion. They talked about how it’s a shame that he left the world so soon, but how lucky we are that he gave us so much of himself.

When Jonghyun died, it hit me harder than when I lost any other celebrity or musician I loved, and it felt even more shocking than when Bowie or Prince died. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I felt very emotionally-connected to this one and it affected me on what feels like an extremely personal and intimate level. Maybe it’s because Kpop idols in general let people into their lives more than most, what with all the fan events, reality shows, and variety appearances they make. It makes it feel like we know them as people, we see their personalities and their know their quirks–granted, I know that a lot of this is for show and they still have their private versions of themselves, but I can’t deny that I feel like I know a lot of these idols on a deeper level than any Western artist, for better or worse.

So, even though it’s been a year and a half since his passing, it still feels so raw. I woke Henry up last night and buried my tear-soaked face into his chest and he just murmured, “Why do you do this to yourself?”

“I feel like my whole entire body is one gigantic heart AND IT’S BROKEN,” I wailed, and then I threw away my sorrow-streaked contacts and passed out.

Anyway, that reaction video was really great and you should watch it.

You should also watch this wonderful live performance of Tell Me What To Do because Jonghyun was still alive then and Taemin is wearing a see-through shirt:

3. Props To My Non-Secret Son Not-Named Clive

I mentioned in another post recently that Chooch was chosen as Student of the Month at the Teen Center and he got to choose the dinner menu (isn’t it awesome that they feed the kids there?!). He asked for tteokbokki but they went above and beyond and planned an entire Korean night! He texted me this picture on Wednesday:

I freaking love the Teen Center, you guys. Almost so much that I’d consider donating household junk to be used for craft projects, or volunteering….Henry.

Additionally, he came home from school today with his A-filled report card! I try not to be that mom who brags about her kid all the time (and trust me, he’s not perfect!) but man, sometimes I feel spoiled because as far as his school-work and grades go, Henry and I are able to be pretty hands-off. He just naturally knows what he needs to do and he gets that shit done on his own, PRAISE BE. Helicopter-parenting is not my style, so thank you Chooch!

Oh wait, one more Chooch update – he’s been binge’ing Jane the Virgin and now he says “Oh my god” exactly like Jane, which is also how my EX-BFF used to say it, so that’s been pretty annoying.

4. Henry’s Fucking Face Instrument

You know those old-timey guys that peddle their music-mobiles down the cobblestone road, tooting all the horns, smashing the cymbals, stroking the washboard, blowing their whistles? It sounds like one of them lives inside Henry’s nose. His nasal bells and whistles get worse with age, I swear. Chooch and I are constantly groaning and complaining about it and then Henry will bark, “FINE I JUST WON’T BREATHE THEN, I GUESS!” and then we’re like, “Yay!” but he always goes on breathing.

At least his beard is growing back so he doesn’t look so much like  a 1950s science teacher now.

5. Current Favorite Kpop Jam!

And no, it’s not the new BTS which just came out today and is good but also kind of underwhelming and features too much English; however, my expectations were pretty low to begin with because it features Halsey and I really don’t like her at all and every time they collab with another American artist, I lose a feather from the Korean wings I made out of the household junk that I could have donated to the Teen Center, BUT maybe I’m maturing and as mentioned above, becoming less hipster-y in my old age, because she actually didn’t bother me! I thought it was well done, and her voice really works well with theirs, and also she didn’t overpower the song or steal any of the limelight like NICKI MINAJ did in the shitty American remix of “Idol,” and it’s weird because I actually like Nicki but she really had no business being on that song at all and added NOTHING to it. In “Boy With Luv,” though, I thought Halsey’s vocals were tasteful and subdued. I approve.

But I digress! My current favorite jam is this real tooth-rotter from a rookie girl group, Everglow. I didn’t pay much attention to it at first but then two of my favorite kpop cardio YouTubers uploaded a routine for it and I was really feeling it.

Then I saw a comment somewhere that said they thought they were saying, “You go to Walmart everyday” and now that’s all I can hear too but it’s still the fucking jam.

OK gotta go, I have two Bon Bon Chocolat workouts with my name on it!

After Halloween, Easter is my favorite holiday. I guess it’s just because I have spring fever, definitely not because I’m a Religioso, plus also it’s another holiday that revolves heavily around candy and chocolate.

Anyway, this old post from the Easter season of 2015 popped up in my blog stats, and I got all kinds of nostalgic! This was one of the best Easter-esque memories of all time and I have to share it again as a Throwback Thursday because I’ll seize any opportunity to mention Janna’s Robitussin abuse!

*******************************

I Kind of Threw a Fit: The Story About a Girl & Her Robitussin
April 2015

A few weeks ago, Janna sent this devastating message to my cellular phone. Naturally, I sent it to Corey and then also posted it on Instagram with the hashtags #JannaWhite #Heisenjanna #JannaMakesMeth and Corey immediately piggybacked with #JannasDoubleLife #JannaPaystheToll and #LockYourMedicineCabinets

I was laughing so hard about this that I started to see sparks in my vision. Henry of course was scowling because he just doesn’t understand. It’s the generation gap, I think. Probably.

A couple nights later, Janna and Corey came over because we were going to attend a Tenebrae service at my old friend Brian’s church. Brian is actually the music director at the church; he doesn’t own it. I haven’t seen him in years (he lived in Nebraska for awhile) and I’ve always wanted to attend a Tenebrae service, so this seemed perfect. Janna agreed to go even though she was sick, and she showed up at my house with an entire box of Kleenex in tow. And then Corey said he wanted to go too, because Church on a Saturday night?!?! Yes, please!

I tweeted something about this and Barb immediately said something along the lines of how we better behave, which made me crack up, because what a horrible idea, Corey and I going to church together.

On the way to the church, Janna told us the Robitussin story. In a nutshell, she tried to go through the self check-out line and it wouldn’t work so a clerk had to come over type in codes and then that still didn’t work, so then they made her go to a regular checkout line, at which point she was asked for her ID and she didn’t have it on her.

“I kind of threw a fit and just slammed the bottle down into the candy bars and left,” she said, and Corey and I were crying over this image of Janna hulking out over needing ID to buy cough syrup. Then apparently she went to the bathroom and when she came out of the stall, the manager was waiting and accused her of stealing the Robitussin and taking it into the bathroom to slurp it in privacy, so then she had to take the manager over to the checkout line and prove that she left it there.

The whole point here is that Janna was sick as fuck and had a coughing fit during the Tenebrae service and had to excuse herself, which made Corey and I start cracking up in God’s House. It was even worse when she left, because she had been separating us, so now we were able to see each other laughing, and that just made it worse and oh god, my kidneys. I had to turn to the side and cover my face with my hair so that I wouldn’t see Corey in my periphery and that hopefully none of the somber church-goers would notice that I was red-faced and crying in the back pew. (Yes, we were smart enough to sit in the back pew.)

Meanwhile, some old man in front of me had pulled out his phone and was blatantly recording the service and kept slowly panning from left to right, so I was like, “Well, if this dildo is going to be so obvious, then I’m at the very least going to grab a quick Instavid.”

So I did, but then it started PLAYING BACK AT FULL VOLUME. I was like “Abort! Abort!” and ended up accidentally deleting the video in the end, but at least no one seemed to notice what was happening because the real life singing was so loud.

Janna eventually came back and Corey and I were bracing ourselves for another laughing fit, which started as soon as we heard rummaging in her pocket for a cough drop, followed by the rustling of the wrapper as she opened it.

Maybe I should quickly inform you what a Tenebrae service is. It’s like a Roman Catholic church thing that happens around Easter. It’s supposed to start out with all these candles lit, right? And then as the service goes on, the candles are extinguished one by one until the church is all dark by the end, and then there is supposed to be a loud bang, signifying the earthquake that followed Jesus’s death, and then everyone is supposed to leave in silence.

These things did not happen. Some candles were snuffed out, that part is true. But the overhead lights stayed on the whole time and there was no apocalyptic bang at the end! I was pretty bummed about that, because in my mind, this thing was billed as a Scary Church Event.

Actually, now that I’m looking at the poster, it says nothing at all about Tenebrae. I KNOW THAT THE FACEBOOK EVENT DID THOUGH.

Luckily, the music and the singing were actually really sad and beautiful (Song of the Shadows, y’all), which obviously is my favorite kind. One of the soloists is an attorney-by-day, and Corey and I were obsessed with her. She was also in the Miss America pageant once! Maybe I’m making that up! I can’t remember! Where’s my program when I need it?!

I paid real money to light a candle! I didn’t cheat the church! #newleaf #Ijustlikefire

We were going to just leave after the bang-less ending, especially since Janna was feenin’ for her ‘tussin, but then Brian grabbed the mic to thank everyone for something and urged everyone to stick around for the reception. And then he said the magic words:

Sugary treats.

Corey and I exchanged looks of exaggerated merriment. “Sugary treats!” we mouthed to each other around Janna, who was looking like she might pass out at this point.

We followed those “in the know” out of the church and across the street into an adjacent building, where tables of sugary treats were set up in a small room. Right before we entered the room, Janna had a truncated coughing fit and some old man amiably commented that “uh oh, someone sounds sick!” I almost died. Janna was drawing attention from The Olds. Maybe they could have a cough drop exchange in the parking lot.

We were among the first to forage for sugary treats, THANK GOD.

It was difficult to be so close to the parishioners because I was giddy. The Laughter was threatening to eject from my mouth at any given moment, so I made sure to not make eye contact with anyone. I filled my plate with the critically acclaimed sugary treats and hightailed it to the back of the room, where Corey and Janna joined me and we proceeded to stand in a suspicious circle, looking totally out of place, and giggling nervously. The unfortunate part of our location was that it was near the garbage can, so a steady stream of church-goers kept interrupting our heretic huddle in order to pitch their empty punch cups.

Finally, Janna had enough of this and brusquely picked up the trash can and then slammed it down a few feet away from us, so it was just chilling alone in the middle of the floor. Corey and I were like, “HOLY SHIT, JANNA IS SO VIOLENT WHEN SHE’S SICK!” She had this “Nothing is funny right now” look on her face, which just made us laugh even harder, and there is a thing that you should know about my brother: he has a REALLY LOUD LAUGH. The kind that ricochets off walls and bald heads and causes all eyes to fixate on us. It is simultaneously hilarious and embarrassing.

I think this picture was taken before Janna slammed the garbage can down.

Some old lady came over and asked, “IS THIS ON?!” because there was a coffee maker on the counter next to us. I was like, “Bitch who knows?” She pushed a button and cold water squirted out, so she was like, “I guess not” and then walked away. Even this was hysterical to us. And then another old lady attempted to get water out of a water cooler but it was empty, so she shouted, “YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME THERE’S NO WATER” and then Janna pointed out that there were bottles of water on the counter, so the lady was like, “I’M TAKING ONE” and then stormed away. I think Corey wanted her to be his spirit animal. He was pretty entranced. Everything just seemed like a blatant parody that night, like all of these people were walking caricatures put in this room just to test our resistance to cracking up. Newsflash: our threshold is ridiculously low.

I wanted another peanut butter thing, but I was afraid to go back to the table because the room was way more crowded and everyone knew each other, which meant they knew that I didn’t belong. IT WAS SCARY.

After awhile, I decided that we looked too suspicious, so we went out into the hallway to wait for Brian, and this is where I honestly came very close to peeing my pants, so I cried out, “DON’T MAKE ME PEE I’M WEARING A SKIRT!” and possibly people heard this, but everything was So Funny!

“I feel like we’re a sleeper cell,” I blurted out, and Corey was like, WTF is that so I explained it to him and he was like, “WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT!?” I don’t know, actually. It seemed to make sense at the time because we moved in a tight huddle everywhere we went, like we didn’t want religion to penetrate us.

Corey kept hashtagging everything that was happening (there was even a #tenebraeslut!) and Janna was like “#canwegonow” but I wanted to say hello to Brian since he invited me there, after all. We ended up having to go back to the church to see him, because he had slipped out of the Sugary Treats Room to go back to his office. On the way there, Janna reminded us for the 87th time that she was really sick, so I told her she could just wait in the car as long as she didn’t spill her syrup everywhere. But she just sighed and trudged along after us.

Brian gave really bad directions to me via Facebook messenger so we ended up in parts of the church that we probably shouldn’t have been. (Corey started to walk into a room right behind the altar and came backing out in a hurry, waving his arms in an “abort! abort!” motion. He said there were two men back there, reading the Bible.*)

*(Literally reading the Bible, you guys. This isn’t some weird Altar Boy euphemism.)

We eventually found him, and it turns out the problem is that I just didn’t understand “front of the church” versus “back of the church.” So we had a quick reunion with Brian, who pelted Janna with a handful of cough drops for the road, and then we left before the whole Church thing started to make us soft, like we’d start picturing Jesus frowning at us every time we started to laugh at Janna’s pratfalls. The whole night was almost funnier than the “Janna Stole Her Mom’s Car” incident.

Almost.

Janna was like, “I NEED TO GO HOME AND DIE” — which obviously is drug addict speak for “I need to go sit on the bathroom floor and drink my Sizzurp” — so she left as soon as we got back to my house. But Corey stayed for awhile and we giddily filled Henry in on the evening’s events, and he laughed at exactly zero parts. Then Corey drew a picture of Janna drinking Robitussin and we were both crying while Henry shook his head disapprovingly and Chooch drank in the bad influence filling the air around him.

We finally had our first legit spring weekend and it was wondrous. We went for walks and left our coats at home! I mean, I love my coat collection but it was really nice to walk down the street without being swathed in heavy fleece and tapestry, you know?

Here are some things that happened on this lovely first weekend of April. I love April. DON’T YOU LOVE APRIL?!

First, we kicked off the weekend Friday night with a viewing of “Annabelle” which I am ashamed to say I had not yet seen. I saw a preview for the newest one and had no idea that this is the THIRD in the series?! I am off my horror game, you guys. Anyway, I do love the Conjuring franchise so much, and I assumed I would love Annabelle as well, but it was kind of just OK. I mean, there were a few times when I jumped a bit, but the whole movie felt like it was missing something, like someone wrote it in a hurry. The highlight for me was when Chooch couldn’t remember the priest’s name and referred to him as “Mr. Father.”

Henry left halfway through because he can’t hang. Any horror movies about possessions or churches scare him too much, though he’ll deny it if you ask him. But I remember VIVIDLY that he told me this back when we were freshly dating and I wanted to watch Lost Souls.

So…

Then, I did a craft-thing. I had been looking for some type of glass pendant thingie to display the sea glass I collected last year from Songdo Beach in Busan. I found this perfect orb-thing on Etsy and I was so excited to put it all together, but then after I glued it, I realized that there was a streak of glue inside the orb, and also a cat hair, so then Henry had to take it apart and re-do it.

But by Sunday it was fully finished so I got to wear it to work on Monday! That night, I was admiring it and said, “I love this much. I can’t believe I made this.”

“You didn’t make it! You put it together sloppily, and then I had to take it apart and fix it. I made it,” Henry argued. God, he always has to have the fucking limelight.

Bottom line, now I can keep tiny pieces of Korea close to my heart. Actually, when you think about it, it’s really just Korean garbage. This sea glass was probably made from broken soju bottle. *shrugs*

Oh shit and then one of my favorite Kpop cardio instructors replied to me on YouTube and I was so excited!

I have such a big fat life, you guys.

Saturday night, we had dinner plans at Buca di Beppo with our Castle Blood friends – Ricky, Dawn, Kari, and Kate. Chooch was supposed to go with us as well (Kate is only a year older than him and we like to watch him writhe in her presence) but then Saturday morning, he mentioned something about going to a play with the Teen Center people and I was like, “Wait, what now?” and he was like, “Yeah, you signed the permission slip” and I was like, “You said you were going with us to dinner!”

“Oh that’s tonight too? Shit,” he said and I died a little knowing that we’re at the age where he has his own mini-adult plans that don’t include us and how did this even happen?!

I was OK with it though since it was a cultural thing he was attending (Doll’s House Part 2 at the O’Reilly Theater) and am just happy that he’s not out vaping, eating Tide pods, or being a destructive teenage shit.

Henry and I decided to be Responsible and took the trolley to Station Square in case we decided to drink like real life adults. It was annoying riding the trolley with Henry because he was trying to act all cool and metropolitan. I was like, “Bitch, this is Pittsburgh. Public transportation is lame AF in this hole.” Ugh and it took him forever to put the fare on his (see also: MY SPARE) ConnectCard because he kept hitting the wrong things.

Then we ended up getting down there way too early and there is really nothing to do in Station Square unless you’re a meathead or attending a wedding reception or possibly dumping a body in the river (you do you, bro) so we just wandered around inside the half-desolate “mall” area and I reminisced about the one time I went to see some comedian at the Funny Bone with MEAN CHRISTINE and I got really drunk and was screaming in the parking garage. Henry was like, “Wow, that doesn’t sound like you at all” and I thought he was being serious at first but no.

We walked past one bar that smelled like beer farts and then went into some other lame Pgh sports bar so that Henry could get a beer and I was pouting because I didn’t like the vibe of the place, although an Al B. Sure song was playing on the jukebox when we walked in, so that was cool. But otherwise, it just wasn’t my scene and I made Henry chug his dumb beer so we could leave, even though he was trying to be drunk and leisurely.

I think part of the problem is that I’m just unable to fucking relax anymore. I’m so on edge and ready to move on to the next thing!

So then I was in a bad mood for a little bit but we left and sat on a bench by the river and talked about Seoul and then Henry made fun of some girl who stumbled by in huge heels because one of his pet peeves in life is when girls wear shoes they can’t walk in and then he made fun of her makeup too but I white-knighted her because THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WEARING A LOT OF MAKEUP IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. I can’t believe I defended her though. What is wrong with me. I must be dying.

She was wearing one of those stupid “dressy” rompers though and I hate stupid “dressy” rompers, mostly because they look stupid on me and I really want them to not look stupid on me.

Ugh.

Eventually, it was time for our reservation, and when the hostess took us back to our booth, in a restaurant that has three stories and a bunch of fucking rooms, we realized she had seated us RIGHT NEXT to our ex-neighbors (specifically HNC’s stepdaughter’s family, the son is in Chooch’s class) whom we have had not so great experiences with but the husband isn’t too bad so we exchanged pleasantries with him while the broad ignored us, but whatever.

Their party was large and celebrating a birthday, it appeared, and  there were numerous obnoxious children screaming and some Yinzer yapping to her kid to get her cigarettes, so that was awesome. Eventually, I was able to block them all out, but I was also sitting the farthest from their table, so…

In spite of that, and our waitress who had no personality and looked dumbfounded every time she came over to our table AND FORGOT TO PUT IN MY PIZZA ORDER, we had a great dinner with our friends! Usually, we only get to talk to them briefly as we’re exiting Castle Blood, so it was nice to be able to sit down and actually chill for a few hours with them.

Plus, Dawn is always saying super flattering things about this here blog, so I got to hear a lot more of that this time! Plus x2 – sangria! Plus x3 – she is such a good influence on me and was basically bullying Henry into taking me to Canada’s Wonderland. *prayer hands*

It’s not often that Henry and I go out without Chooch in tow, and most of our friends like him better than us anyway so they’d be disappointed if they were stuck with just us. So, after we left, I realized something.

I ACTUALLY GOT TO TALK.

Like, the real Erin got to come out and play!

I was able to start telling a story without Chooch cutting me off because he always thinks he can tell a story better than me and  then we start bickering with each other over who is going to tell the story that probably no one even cares about hearing about anyway and that’s good because in the end, usually NO ONE tells the fucking story because we’re both too pissed off at that point.

UGH.

Other notable “First April Weekend” events:

I got this new addition to my pin collection:

It stems from a speech Obama gave in 2017, in which he referenced SHINee and their global impact on the kids of America and even mentioned their love for In-n-Out, lol.

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And then Sunday, even though it was gloomily overcast, was 70 degrees so we had “family time” in the park which basically involves me mocking everything Henry says and Chooch screaming HI DOGGIE like a toddler to every last dog that trots past us.

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I nearly peed my pants 16 different times because the warm weather and my weird family had me in such a good mood! I’m so ready for winter to be in the rear view mirror.

This was what I’d call a Solid Weekend. More of these please.

Today is Jonghyun’s birthday and I’m trying not to be sad about it. I wish he was still here with us, but instead I will take comfort in the beautiful music he left behind for the world to enjoy. Can’t ask for much more than that.

I hope everyone is having a good day. Tell someone you love them and maybe dole out a hug or two even if you’re an anti-hugger. It could make all the difference in someone’s day!

<3 5hinee forever.

[I love how this sounds like a Christopher Pike book. (LOL, I just Googled it and it’s actually an R.L. Stine book!)]

Back in 10th grade, so let’s say 1994 (I honestly googled “what year was I in 10th grade” – that didn’t help), my friend Christy was sleeping over. It was pretty late and we were just getting ready to go to bed when my phone rang. I had my own phone line in high school, to go along with my purple not-because-of-drugs pager, and LOVED to talk on the phone, so getting calls late at night was not unusual.

I have to side-bar here for a minute because I am hilariously the opposite as an adult and rarely ever answer my phone. In fact just the other day, I got a local call and figured it was a robocall or a bill collector tricking me by using my own area code, so I ignored it. Less than 30 seconds later, Chooch texted me and said, “Call back that number, it’s the school nurse.”

MOM OF THE YEAR.

But, on that night in 1994, I actually did answer the phone, because it could have been JUSTIN, my on-again-off-again sometimes-boyfriend who I was fucking obsessed with. It was a guy, not like a creepy dad-age man, it sounded like an older teen, and he was asking for Celeste. I remember without a doubt that it was Celeste, because there was a Celeste in my class and it was just wasn’t a name I heard that often outside of that.

I told him he had the wrong number because, you know, I’m not Celeste.

“Wrong number,” I said to Christy, and then she rolled over and went back to sleep.

But then! A minute later, my phone again.

It was the same guy, but this time, he was calling to talk to ME.  Look, I was 15 at the time, and it was the 90s, the term “Catfish” was a whole decade away from being coined, so yeah, I’m going to tell this stranger my name when he asks.

“Is that that same guy?” Christy asked. “HANG UP!”

But of course, I stayed up and talked to him for probably an hour that night, because I never listened to my friends. Case in point, several years later when Christy told me not to  date this dude she knew from her school because he was crazy and literally set his best friend’s house on fire over a borrowed video game and that my friends is how I ended up in the most emotionally and physically abuse relationship of my life with Psycho Mike! So yeah, preach, Christy!

But back to the wrong number. I learned that night that this guy’s name was Kevin Wilson, he was from a nearby neighborhood called Brentwood, I think he said he was 19 or 20–he was definitely not in high school anymore. So right away, you’re thinking that this is going down some rocky statutory street, right? Well, here’s the weird thing: we became solid phone friends and he never once crossed that line. It always remained platonic, no, “What are you wearing?”s or even any sweetly-veiled manipulations to meet in an empty parking garage at midnight. And this was pre-cell phone, pre-email, pre-text age so he wasn’t sending me dick pics or trying to get me to cyber with him.

I was the one who was always trying to hang out in person. You know, like, let’s go to the mall or Denny’s! I’d get all whiny about it too, probably. But he always had excuses or reasons why he couldn’t and I just went with it because I was dumb. He did throw me a bone once though by dropping pictures of himself off in my mailbox one day, and I was so mad that he did it while I was at school! But oh my god, you guys, he was so cute! Like, classic young American boy who probably played football in high school and can drink three chocolate milkshakes a day and not get fat. I can remember taking the pictures to school and showing everyone at my table during lunch and girls were PISSED that this guy was calling ME. I mean, I wasn’t the worst-looking girl, but I had braces and was going through a pretty heavy Yo-Girl phase where I lined my lips with brown liner and practically swam in my clothes, so….

He was almost like a big brother to me, giving me advice, checking up on me, making sure I was doing OK. I don’t think we talked every day, but probably weekly. And it was really good for me  too, because that aforementioned sometimes-boyfriend Justin was always giving me the run-around and was hardly available, so having someone else to talk to really filled a void. Plus, he would say brotherly things like, “DO I NEED TO KICK THIS GUY’S ASS” and “YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS JUSTIN KID” and even though I didn’t believe it at the time, he was so right but of course I didn’t listen to him and I’d go right back to writing ERIN <3’Z JUSTIN all over my Composition books.

So, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, Erin, you’re 15, talking to some older stranger on the phone who KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE and COMES TO YOUR HOUSE WHEN YOU’RE NOT HOME, do your parents even know the shit you do!? How did you live to see your 30s?!

Well, let me tell you something: my mom not only knew I was talking to this boy-guy, but SHE MET HIM! I had left him pictures of me in our mailbox and when he came to get them, she happened to be coming home or leaving at the same time, and they got to meet! I was so devastated that my mom met him first!

BUT IT GETS WORSE! She freaking gave him a job at our family’s drywall company! So now she got to see him everyday! She’d come home from work and tell me things, like, “Kevin is so cute! Kevin is such a boy!” and I would just be like, “GOD WHY DON’T YOU JUST DATE HIM THEN.”

I don’t remember how long we were in contact, maybe around a year, but then he ended up moving away to Virginia Beach, I think. And we lost touch after that, having never met in real life, not once.

Something made me think of this last Friday and after spending the last week racking my brain and texting friends for more information, but no one remembers this. Janna said she doesn’t remember, and Christy said she vaguely remembers but that I was always friends and penpals with “so many prisoners, etc. so they all blur together” and then went on  to ask me if I remember my pen pal Alisha who was obsessed with the movie “Newsies” and I was like, “Of course I remember her, she was my best penpal friend!” but when I found her on Facebook a few years ago, she DID NOT ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST.

Janna was like, “Can’t you just check your old journals?” Look, 10th grade was a very traumatic year for me and I’m not trying to revisit that by reading my own emotionally-damaged words, thanks Janna.

The one person who would probably remember is some broad who I haven’t talked to since Chooch was born because she chose free beer over our friendship. (LONG STORY.)

Then I texted my mom and asked her if she remembered him and her immediate response was “LOL are you serious!?!?!?”

Now, knowing  my mom like I know my mom, I read this in the most paranoid way as possible and my suspicions immediately peaked. To me, that meant, “All these years later and you still haven’t figured it out?” So my conclusions catapulted straight to, “HOLY SHIT MY MOM HAD ME CATFISHED.”

She hasn’t admitted to anything and probably never will BUT THIS IS MY THEORY:

She hated Justin SO BAD that she had this guy “accidentally” call me and then become phone-friends with me as a DISTRACTION. Probably he was already someone who worked for her, maybe!? And those pictures that he “dropped off” could have been of ANYONE. I mean, my mom often threatened to send me to an all-school because of the serious problems Justin was causing me, and I wasn’t even allowed to get my driver’s license until I was 18 and living on my own because she didn’t want me to driving to see him when I was still in high school which is hilarious because by then I was dating an even worse guy. (See: Psycho Mike.)

But then, the more I thought about it that night, and the more Henry had to sit there and listen to my delusional rantings, I came up with a second possibility that’s EVEN WEIRDER but still HIGHLY PROBABLE.

OK, bear with me.

When I was 19, my mom dropped the HALF-SIBLING bomb on me. She told me that my birth dad had a kid with the lady he was with prior to my mom, and that I have an older half-brother. Apparently, my mom and his mom stayed amicable after my dad died when I was super young, and my brother knew I existed but I had no idea about any of this. I agreed to meet him and was a little shocked to know that he had basically kept up with me my whole life through my mom. She would tell his mom things like when I would be at Spinning Wheels, so then his mom would take him there so he could see me. So yes, my mom basically let my half-brother stalk me in the 80s. Seems weird now that I see it in print!

And he would sometimes visit my mom at her office. But my mom was so afraid to bring him into my life because she thought I’d flip out, which is actually a legitimate concern because I was highly unstable back then.

(Lol, “back then.”)

But my brother wanted to have contact with me so what if that was my mom’s solution!? WHAT IF HE WAS THE ONE I WAS TALKING TO. It would explain why the calls were so sterile and textbook platonic, why he could never hang out, why my mom didn’t flip her shit when she found out that I was talking to some older guy on the phone who was also coming to my house and leaving photos in the mailbox.

IS THIS CRAZY? AM I BEING NUTS HERE?!

It feels so plausible in my head! This feels like Classic Val!

I was telling this whole thing to Glenn yesterday at work and he was like, “Or….it really was some old man…”

OMG WHAT IF IT WAS HENRY!? Maybe that was his release back then – he’d sneak away from his kids, hide in the garage with a case of beer and start cold-calling girls. Ew, he would have been 30 then! Our age difference is so much creepier when we take it back to the way-past.

I just asked him right now, while he’s washing dishes, if it was him. “What year was it?” he asked. “Nope, wasn’t me,” he mumbled over the clinking of soapy silverware. But he had to ask, though!

That’s my story about the supposed Kevin Wilson. Maybe someday I will have a solid conclusion to this. Next time I see my mom, I’m going to start talking about it again and gauge her facial tics.