Our “tradition” used to be having a lunch picnic at the cemetery, and then taking fancy pictures of Chooch, but it started to be more stressful than fun. Henry would spend all this time whipping together, I dunno, egg salad sandwiches and whatnot, and then we’d sit on a blanket while shivering, getting  bread crumbs on our gloves, and then Chooch and I would argue once it was time to do the photos and you know what? Fuck it, man. Last year I declared a moratorium on the picnic portion of our “tradition,” and we somehow ended up at Pink Box in Squirrel Hill, a Chinese/Taiwanese bakery, where we got those good, sweetly-filled buns and, well, still ended up at the cemetery. But it was a lot better now that we just had some bread to hold while walking, so just like that, a new tradition was born.

Of course, now that we nixed the picnic, this year’s Christmas weather was downright spring-like: 50s with the sun shining! The cem was actually pretty rockin’ too – joggers, bikers, and small groups of tombstone gawkers were out in full force. It was really, well, lively.

I got the yam bun, boiiiiiii. Henry always opts for red bean, and I think Chooch got a custard.

What a relaxing, bun-full day!

First thing Child Genius does? Steps on the ice.

We were really giddy. Well, I mean, Chooch and I were. Henry was bitter and muttering to himself because it was but another year of having his wish list ignored by Father Christmas.

HENRY’S WISH LIST FOR SANTA

• quiet time
• quiet time
• naps
• quiet time
• naps part 2
• muzzles for Erin and Chooch
• quiet time

Perfect cemetery weather.

I love these stupid-asses.

Back at home, we spent time with the girls, who were also struck by the Christmas spirit and actually acted like they liked each other!

Oh, did I mention that Henry gave me the ultimate Christmas present by agreeing to start exercising with me? I’ve been going easy on him by putting on low-impact walking workouts and strength training, which is how I found out he can’t do grapevines or step-touches, which is hilarious and helps me get an extra ab workout from all the laughing. So that’s how we ended Christmas: exercising and watching When the Camellia Blooms, which we have since finished and I really think this is in my Top 5 favorite Korean dramas, wow. If you have Netflix, why aren’t you watching it!? GO. And, Happy New Year!

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but this Christmas just felt so….peaceful. I used to be so sad about not having family dinners anymore, but this year, my brother Ryan organized a pre-Christmas dinner at Calabria’s on the Sunday prior to Christmas. I suggested that we also invite our dad because he and our mom have been friendly over the last several years and they were both at Chooch’s birthday dinner last year, so I thought, why not, right? So Ryan cleared it with our mom, and our dad accepted the invitation!

It was really nice and actually didn’t feel as surreal as I imagined it would. Everyone talked and there were no bad vibes, even though it was the first time brother Corey and I have seen each other since Christmas 2016 (long story, but that whole business with my Pappap’s house and my aunt Sharon’s death that consumed almost all of 2016 really created a lot of waves and brought up some bad feelings). I appreciated that we could all be adults and sit at the same table together without any tension because life is too short so yeah, I’m going to show him a picture of Trudy 2019 on my phone even though he didn’t ask.

Our waitress was abysmal but it made my dad and me exchange smirks behind her back so that was fun.

It was really cool to have some semblance of a normal family dinner. If someone would have told me 20 years ago that one day this would be happening, I would have broken a rib from falling down an elevator shaft while laughing. I’m not saying that I’m trying to parent trap my divorced parents, but I’m not NOT saying it either, if you know what I mean. I have this daydream of my mom finally selling her house and moving down the street (literally) into his house. It doesn’t have to be romantic! They could be roommates with history, lol.

Anyway, this was an awesome way to kickstart Christmas though. Props to my bro Ryan for organizing this! Maybe next year I’ll see if everyone wants to come here for some strange broken family dinner thing.

I fucking threw a fit at one point though because I cannot wrap a gift to save my life. It’s pathetic.

“You know, my mom really failed me. She didn’t teach me how to cook, or how to wrap a gift, two things she’s fairly good at,” I sighed, kicking the roll of wrapping paper.

“I think it was me she failed,” Henry sighed.

I spent a good 25 minutes on Christmas Eve trying to get a picture of the cats together.

Waiting for Ho Ho!

I had a YouTube video of the Seoul subway jingles playing over and over while Henry was wrapping presents on Christmas Eve and I think I actually saw his will to live snap in half.

We kept waiting for dumb Chooch to go to bed so we could wrap up Doll with a light switch, because all Chooch wanted for Christmas was a Nintendo Switch. For once, we bought it nearly a full month in advance instead of waiting until Xmas Eve which is our usual MO. We had Chooch convinced all day that we tried to get him one but it was sold out everywhere, which was a partial truth because it WAS sold out at most places. Chooch, in desperation, goggled and found a Target in West Virginia that had one and wanted us to drive there that day to buy it, LOL, dream on, Sonny Boy.

Christmas morning finally came and Chooch was in great spirits! We had Doll, his actual Switch, and his Switch-related gifts hidden under the coffee table. I waited for him to open all of his filler gifts before saying, “OH WOW, LOOKS LIKE SANTA BROUGHT ONE MORE.”

He was like, “Oh wow. Doll. OK, good one, guys.” I waited until right before the tears appeared to give him his actual Switch. It’s my right as a parent to eff with his emotions on Xmas, OK?! IT MAKES HIM MORE APPRECIATIVE.

Probably.

Literally the easiest Christmas ever. Thank you, Nintendo. Also, thank you greeting card side gig, for the extra $$$.

One of my presents was from the spider that was living in our kitchen for a hot two months! I had named him “Geomi-Nim” which essentially means “Mister Spider” or “Spider, sir” in Korean. Anyway, it was a huge South Korean flag which Chooch, I mean, Geomi-Nim, thought would be a great addition to my desk at work, except that it’s so big, I could potentially tent myself in with it. The ultimate privacy screen!

He also got me set of South Korean flag pins.

“$10 for both of those gifts!” Chooch proudly exclaimed. “Yeah, I tell prices.”

Anyway, it’s tradition for me to put ridiculous “from”s on the gift tags. This year included references to Jillian Michaels’ Body Revolution. G-Dragon’s dad, the Seoul subway jingle, Onetrainops and Legend & Molly (coaster vloggers), etc etc.

At our Christmas party, Chooch asked Janna for wood for Christmas so that he could build a chair and now I regret not wrapping a tree branch.

He will, too.

OMG we haaaaate it when Henry eats bananas! IT IS NOT CUTE. I even have a “sexual banana time” jingle that I sing for these occasions. So when I saw this dishtowel online, I checked out immediately. Then we went to Branson, Missouri and Chooch and I exchanged Looks when one of the stores we were in had it because we didn’t want Henry to see it — the perils of purchasing trendy dishtowels.

Aside from Chooch’s damn Switch, we tried not to exhibit gross consumerism this year. We would much rather not blow our cash on things and save it to go places so hopefully 2020 will be action-packed with fun trips – that’s all I asked Santa for.

We spent way too long trying to take a last minute family photo to whip into some lame Christmas not-card (I posted the final version here on Xmas) and we surprisingly didn’t fight about this, whereas when we attempted to get this done the day before, you’d have thought the earth split into two and Lucifer himself rose up and dove into my mouth, that’s how guttural my yells were when nothing was going my way.

But it gave me another excuse to wear my favorite Lip Service blazer so it wasn’t all that bad.

So, this was the first half of Christmas! The rest of the day was just as great because I was with Henry and Chooch and the planets must have been doing the right thing because we were all amazingly in great moods and no one sniped at anyone all day?! This almost never happens. I think maybe we might all like each other.

Our Thanksgiving dinner to go set notwithstanding, it had been a minute since we last dined at Zenith, which is a damn crime because it’s not only my favorite vegetarian restaurant in Pittsburgh, but also one of my favorite restaurants in general all around. I mean, how many places do you know where you can eat a vegan fish sandwich, drink of pot of whichever tea you choose from the broad collection in a cabinet, and buy an antique mental institution wheelchair?

We don’t eat out very often, but even for as infrequently as we visit, the family who runs the place still remembers us and they really make it feel like you’re dining in their home—it’s so cozy and intimate and there is not even a HINT of pretension swirling around the rafters.

I’m not sure I have ever been here during Christmas, now that I think about it…HAVE I BEEN?! My memory is getting foggier and muddier, and I’m not handling it very well. Did I tell you that a few weeks ago, Margie at work asked me when CHOOCH’S birthday is, and with the UTMOST CONFIDENCE, I answered, “June 6th.”

THIS IS NOT CORRECT! That is Henry’s birthday! So I laughed and said, “OMG no that’s not right! It’s April 6th.”

Margie laughed it off and started to change the subject but then the blood began bubbling behind my cheeks as I realized that I WAS WRONG AGAIN. I could have just let it go but what if Margie has some ironclad memory and would always remember that it’s April 6th and then there would be this whole thing where she sees his birth certificate and notices a different date and then puts two and two together that Chooch was kidnapped and NO WONDER ERIN HAS NO MATERNAL INSTINCTS SHE IS NOT A MOTHER.

Sorry. That took a turn. I’m waiting for Henry and Chooch (?!?!) to finish making dinner and I think I’m light headed.

Foodwise, Henry actually enjoys Zenith. I know, it’s hard to imagine him not double fisting some bratwurst but he doesn’t mind going meatless every now and then. (He does not like tofu, though.)

However, Henry usually clenches up the whole time we’re there because I usually find some obscure thing that I need to have, like this hanging lamp from a church that I bought straight from the ceiling of the dining room as Henry and I ate dinner. Or the time Kara and I were having lunch there and whoa, who invited this clown to join us? Oh, right – me.

(Also, apparently I HAVE been there while the Christmas decor was up. My blog serves as my memory now so it’s a good thing I’m all about the HONESTY on here, lol.)

I’m not a big tea drinker but it’s part of the process to pick a fancy tea at Zenith. On this visit, I chose maple vanilla and it was AMAZE. I think sarsaparilla (REALLY THIS IS HOW THAT’S SPELLED?!) is still my favorite that I’ve ever had there.

Oh, and for those playing along at home, Chooch burnt dinner, which was a french fry recipe called “Hume Fries” from his new “The Good Place” cook book. We blamed Henry though because Chooch was supposedly only in charge of cutting the various carbs and Henry was responsible for the oven part.

Henry’s salad. I always appreciated how colorful the Zenith side salads are. None of that soggy, wilted iceburg lettuce and cherry tomato bullshit.

Henry opted for the seitan teriyaki entree – he’s a big fan of seitan, and I am too, honestly. That shit is the meat substitute that God wanted us to have. If more people would open their hearts to seitan, the world would be such a better place! HAVE YOU EVEN TRIED SEITAN WINGS?!

BBQ tofu sandwich – I don’t eat very much bread on my daily diet, so sometimes I crave sandwich buns. This was one so soft and honestly it was almost as good as the BBQ tofu spilling out of it, which btw was the perfect texture: firm but with a nice, springy bounce, like what Henry’s imaginary mistress Cheetah Girl’s boobs were probably like in the 70s.

Chooch got the black bean burrito but I didn’t take a picture of it because you know what a burrito looks like but also because he fucking gutted it immediately so it was basically inside out and looked like a Mexican crime scene.

Oh, and he also ordered an appetizer of buffalo hummus and pita “for the table” and holy shit you guys, is that what buffalo chicken dip tastes like?! I never had it before because I don’t think it was a popular party food yet back when I still ate meat, but I guess the hummus was supposed to be flavored the same and it was honestly the best hummus I’ve ever had and look, I live down the street from Pitaland and also, I’ve been to Greece, so.

If you go to Zenith, save room for whatever vegan Bundt cake option they have going on that day because it will blow your meat-mind, yo. Personally, my favorite will forever be the lemon poppyseed but the chocolate hazelnut hunk up there was *FRENCH FINGER-KISSES*

Chooch and I ditched Henry once the cake plate was licked clean and we walked around to explore. I’m always on the prowl for new things to add to my mishmashed collection at home. There is this old-fashioned pram hanging from the ceiling and I have had my eyes on that for years but I didn’t hound Henry for anything on this visit because we are planning an Easter trip and I am trying to be responsible with my monies but shit, it’s tough when you want everything.

One of the Zenith people came over while Chooch was tapping on an old typewriter, and I thought he was going to be like DO NOT TOUCH but instead he told us that he just recorded a song using the sounds of a typewriter as the background and I thought that was really cool and wanted to ask him if he has it online anywhere but then he distracted me by asking me how long it’s been now so I’ve been coming there and I had to think for a second but wow, it’s been over 10 years now. My first visit was with Kara in 2008!

If you ever go to Zenith, after you polish off the slice of cake that I told you to order, make sure you don’t leave without checking out the bathrooms. There are two, but the door on the left is my favorite. It’s owl-themed! I’m still a little sad because this room was originally painted blue, but it’s been green for so long now that it’s grown on me.

I mean, it’s a room full of owls! The only thing better would be a room full of…G-Dragons.

Obligatory selfie.

Obligatory selfie part 2.

Such a selfie station. It’s hard to believe that I’ve been peeing in this bathroom long before Instagram was even a thing yet.

I keep saying that I want to start collecting these old light up Santas (and Easter bunnies!) but then I never do anything about it. Obviously I would keep them year-round in my house.

Ugh, the most nostalgic Christmas trees! My OCD would always flare up anytime the ones we had growing up would be missing lights. I wish I had kept one.

And that was our lovely Saturday afternoon at Zenith, a place that I do not visit nearly enough. One of these years, I will have my birthday dinner there like I have been saying I want to do for the last 10 years. (OR SOMEONE COULD PLAN THAT FOR ME, I DUNNO, JUST A THOUGHT. MY BIRTHDAY IS JULY 30, EVERY YEAR.)

My favorite thing about hosting shit at my house is that we (we = Henry, mostly, but I do stuff too!) REALLY CLEAN THE HOUSE. And then sometimes it will stay like that for a few days afterward! So by Saturday afternoon, I was less stressed about entertaining and more preoccupied with basking in the niceness of this shanty.

Chooch’s friend Hoajie came! This was good because sometimes Chooch starts to get annoyed being around so many adults, especially if they’re not paying attention to him. I don’t know where he gets that from.

Trudy was ready to meet new people!

We were still putting food out even after people started showing up and I was mad because I always like the table to be IN FINAL FORM. Henry made a big Christmas tree spinach crescent roll thing which eventually went on that Christmas tree tray and then straight into Chooch’s and Hoajie’s stomaches.

Ugh, those Rice Krispies treats were a fucking bitch. Chooch was supposed to help me make them but he ditched me that day for the Teen Center so then Henry had to take over after I started crying out of frustration because I didn’t know where to start, lol. Anyway, you just essentially replace marshmallows with white chocolate. Then you have to make a form out of parchment paper and I was like, “HENRY” so he basically did the whole thing but I decorated they were refrigerated, so he can’t take all the credit.

Aaaaaand….no one ate them. I made Janna take some home and we pawned some off on Blake the next day. Then I took one to work for Margie and she was like THIS IS SO GOOD and I was like YES I KEPT TELLING YOU PEOPLE ON SATURDAY!!!

But seriously: GAME CHANGER.

Jiyong brought a selection of mini jeon (Korean savory pancakes)!!  I was like, “Here you can just set this down on my lap” but ultimately I allowed her to put it on the table for everyone to enjoy. They’re: sweet potato, shrimp, chives, kimichi and corn. SO GOOD.

Janna was late of course, which made me turn to Jiyong and say, “This is why I wasn’t concerned when you said you were going to be late, because I knew that Janna would still be even later” and I think that made her feel better since it was her first time in my house DID I MENTION THAT YET. I was so nervous to invite her because our friendship is still in the blossoming stages and I don’t want to scare her off, and I especially don’t want her to think I’m some raging Koreaboo.

“Well, you kind of are,” Henry said, but luckily I feel there is so much shit in my house (clowns, weird art, horror movie memorabilia, THE CURE) that it really just makes me look like I’m some eclectic collector of junk.

Anyway, back to Janna being late. She texted me earlier and asked if Chooch could come out and help her carry her stuff in and then she also texted Chooch as well and guess who went out to help her – NO ONE OOPS. I forgot all about it and I guess Chooch did too because around 8pm, there was what appeared to be an audible struggle on the other side of the front door and then in stumbled Janna, arms full of fig-and-brie bread, spinach dip, and a huge ass jug of wine.

She was like, “Thanks, Chooch.” Hahaha.

That La Croix can really jacks up the aesthetic of this table.

We’re an anti-La Croix family but Wendy loves it so Henry made sure to bring some home from work for her. This is how I found out that JANNA ALSO LIKES IT?! I’m triggered. I saw this tweet last year and I have never resonated so much with anything on the Internet ISTFG:

La Croix taste like if you were drinking carbonated water and someone screamed out loud the name of a specific fruit in the other room

— Daniel Tran (@Daanieltran) January 7, 2018

That is the realest, right there.

“It’s like a special treat,” Janna said, sipping on her PAMPLEMOUSSE oh my god Janna I don’t even know you anymore.

Chooch coerced everyone to play Likewise and one of the categories was “gross drink” or something and literally everyone wrote LA CROIX on their paddles, even Wendy, who sadly said, “I disagree with this but knew everyone else would write it and I wanted the point.”

Wendy, Shawn, and Summer! That’s not a real mouse under the wheelchair, by the way. It’s one of the dozens of toy mouses the cats leave strewn about the house, the only indication that we even had any cats since they’re like STRANGER DANGER whenever people are here.

We were talking about G-Dragon at one point and Shawn was like, “wtf is a G-Dragon” so even Wendy was like, “OMG YOU DON’T KNOW” and I started gushing about him and then the subject of Korean military service came up and you could tell Wendy was getting her duct tape ready in case Shawn started going off the rails and embarrassed her in front of Jiyong, but I think it was a good conversation about Korean culture that really made Jiyong feel more included. This was her first American party and I give her so much credit for coming to it! Her English is great but I worried that she would feel left out.

She wasn’t scared away by Trudy (in fact, she wanted to be sure that Trudy was in our picture)! I’m really glad she met some of my friends because I would love to take our weekly meetings beyond just sitting in a cafe and me struggling to learn Korean, lol. It would be cool to invite her along when Janna and I go to, I dunno, the Mattress Factory or something. And then we can get Janna to start watching Korean dramas and start a club.

Ugh, Janna had just polished off a can of La Croix and then I had to stand this close to her.

Janna has the new iPhone 11 and Chooch is obsessed with it, fine, I am too.

Margie and me, standing uncomfortably. Margie brought several dozens of Christmas cookies baked by her uber-talented daughter (baker of the G-Dragon cookies!) and Chooch kept raving about how the peanut butter blossoms were the best he’s ever had and GUESS WHO DID NOT GET TO TRY ANY OH YEAH THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE.

We made everyone try faux-kielbasa and they were like, “Mmmm.”

Janna stayed for a few hours after everyone else left and Chooch and I were soooo hyper.

I used Janna’s phone to take pictures of my still-clean house because I was obsessed. I wish it could always look this dreamy! HENRY MAKE IT SO.

I dunno what Chooch is doing here.

The dopiest. (Henry was so tired, lol.)

I love that Janna looks like she’s in a hostage situation here.

Blake stopped by when he got from work at 11! I was SO PISSED AT CHOOCH because his ONLY JOB was to invite Blake and Haley AND HE TOLD THEM THE PARTY WAS SUNDAY. So then the morning of the actual party, Chooch was talking to Blake and was like, “Are you still coming to the party tonight?” and Blake was like, “I have to work. I thought it was tomorrow?!” so HE NEVER REQUESTED THE NIGHT OFF WORK. THANKS CHOOCH.

Janna’s like, “Can I have my phone back yet, or…?”

I forced Blake to partake in the hot chocolate bar. He was impressed.

This is my signature pose.

Anyway, we ended the night with me trying to make Janna watch this hot chocolate bar DIY YouTube video that I like to heckle while Chooch was trying to talk to her about the Holocaust at the same time and she seemed very torn and also like she was maybe about to snap. We almost broke her, you guys. My house is so manic.

Overall, it was a good night. Keeping it small and casual helped me to not have a full-blown anxiety attack but I still had some real strange vibes following me the next day. I gotta work on kicking this social rut. I miss the old Erin who packed her house with people. Maybe I’ll have some sort of themed party later this winter and expand the guest list. Another gross vintage food party, maybe!?

Hello from the other side of Christmas! I still have that ubiquitous holiday hangover that comes from too many cookies, days off work, and spending quality time with favorites (the cats, obviously). So while I’m still trying to get my head out of the clouds, here is a photo story of Chooch and me not being able to jump at the same goddamn time yesterday during our annual Christmas in the Cemetery thing that we do. Henry was ashamed.

I mean, is it us, though, or is it really Henry being too slow to take the damn picture.

I dunno, man. I had a lot of energy yesterday.

I was really trying not to pee.

I almost broke my ankle on this one.

You would think that with all the rockstar jumps that Jillian Michaels had us doing (apologies again to our neighbors, Blake and Haley), we’d really excel at this.

Chooch just walked by and mumbled, “wow” at the memory of these.

Maybe our 2020 resolution should be to practice this every day.

Yoooo, we really phoned it in with this but let me tell you, it’s a miracle this dumb photo even happened—it was so frustrating.

There was a better one of Henry, but Drew’s head was turned and Penelope was blurry, so sorry Hank.

You should try smiling more (wow, you dudes actually say that shit to us girls for real and don’t feel like an asshole about it?!).

Anyway, I hope anyone who is reading this is having a nice, comfortable day and it hopefully surrounding themselves with loving people. I’m here with the cats (fine and also Henry and Chooch) so what more do I need?

(I mean, I can think of a lot more but I’m trying to BE HUMBLE.

)

I agreed to host a small holiday get together at my house this year, per Wendy’s orders, haha. I kept saying I didn’t want to do anything this year but she gently prodded until I cried uncle. I kept the guest list small (Wendy’s family, Janna, my friend Margie from work, and Jiyong) and that really helped a lot because I felt less pressure. I still have a bit of PTSD from the last full-blown Xmas party I had in 2016 where every person who said they were going to come, actually did and then somehow everyone seemed to arrive at the same time and my house was packed which is not ideal if you’ve ever been to my house because it’s small AF (it’s a duplex).

But….true to Erin form, I started to get really into planning for this dumb thing. It started after I invited Jiyong because she said it was going to be her first American Christmas party, and I wanted it to be a good experience for her, and not just like, “Here’s a pop and a bowl of chips, babe.”

(Really though – when have any of my parties been that cheap?!)

Anyway, I was perusing YouTube for some Christmas party food ideas when I accidentally stumbled upon the HOT CHOCOLATE BAR scene. Look, I know this isn’t a new concept, but I’m not a lifestyle blogger or Mormon housewife so this has fallen just short of my radar until several weeks ago when some fairly tolerable Canadian DIY YouTuber slipped it into her XMAS PARTY DIY video.

I latched on to this idea HARD. Typically at my parties, I make a punch or a sangria, oftentimes both. It’s kind of my thing—Henry does the cleaning, the shopping, the cooking and I do the decorating and the punch. Literally the most important things. But then I usually end up throwing out the leftover punch the next day and that sucks because I always use quality ingredients! So this seemed like it would be a nice, cheap change of pace.

So I started watching hot chocolate bar DIYs on YouTube and it’s like a whole fucking cult, you guys. These broads are legit insane, covering cans of whipped cream with wrapping paper, buying cute Christmas canisters at HOBBY LOBBY (the grossest) only to hot glue it with twine and BUFFALO PLAID RIBBON. And then they print out labels like people are too stupid to know what white chocolate chips are!?

Chooch and I became obsessed with watching these but I think I already “talked” about that on here.  The worst part about it is that these bitches put in so much effort on having a “theme” to their stupid set-up, BUT THEN MOST OF THEM JUST USED SWISS MISS K-CUPS FOR THE ACTUAL HOT CHOCOLATE PART?!

Bitch plz, why you gonna go so many extra miles repurposing a wooden sled sign to say “Baby It’s Cold Outside” (big vomit) and then offer your guests some .50 cent hot chocolate?

So for me, I went light on the “theme” and heavy on the hot cocoa quality because IT’S A HOT CHOCOLATE BAR, PEOPLE. I bought a bunch of Christmas mugs at the dollar store and the thrift store, and then Christmas’d-up my Taemin coffee cup for myself.

I had some candy options, like candy cane Kisses, hot chocolate Kisses, white chocolate chips, and peppermint candies. None of which required me to print out labels purchased from these dumb bitches’ Etsy shops and then cut out with a special scrapbooking paper punch.

Most importantly, I had options in case anyone wanted to take their mug o’ choco up a notch. I made Janna put all the options in hers and she was like, “Oh wow. Mm. Interesting.”

Chooch made fun of me because he thought I purposely went out and bought that “Let It Snow” bowl but I snapped, “It came with a set that someone gave me at work, Chooch!” Jesus, step off, hater.

Oh yeah, and two sizes of marshmallows and those Piroutte stick things, which Chooch’s friend Hoajie was excited about because it worked as a straw.

But the real star of the show, the hot chocolate, was made from scratch in a crockpot by Henry and it was, I feel confident saying this, the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had in my life. It was so rich that really adding anything to it was gilding the lily (did I ever tell you that I learned that phrase from an episode of the home renovation show “While You Were Out” back when I was 23? I think of Teresa Strasser saying it EVERY  TIME I TYPE THAT OUT) but it was still incredibly fun plopping in scoops of white chocolate chips and marshmallows! I added some kind of caramel booze to my mug and the end result was LES MAGNIFIQUE, TRULY.

I found out at work on Monday that Margie has never put marshmallows in hot chocolate before (?!?!?) but she saw people doing it that night SO SHE DID IT TOO.

“OMG it was so good! They get all melty and squishy!” she enthused and I was about to ask her if she lives in a bomb shelter but then Wendy came over and interrupted.

I made such a big deal about this damn thing and Jiyong was like, “OK I will get some!” after I asked her for the third time (I was really trying to tone it down since it was her first time at my house, with my friends, and I tend to get really high strung at my house parties).

Blake came over when he came home from work that night and I practically slammed the last remaining Christmas mug in his hands and shouted, “HAVE SOME HOT CHOCOLATE FROM THE HOT CHOCOLATE BAR!” I mean, you don’t ever have to tell Blake twice. He was like, “Ooh! Hot chocolate! OK!” and then made his an adult version.

It was also great because Wendy and Shawn brought their four-year-old daughter, so I think this (in addition to the presents I gave her lol) really helped ease the pain of enduring a roomful of grownups who are constantly asking you questions about your life and how you feel.

In conclusion (sorry, I’m always watching Chooch write his dumb papers for school), I would say that the hot chocolate bar was a big success, anything leftover was non-perishable, and it was fun enough that I would definitely consider adding this to the rotation. There are so many different things you could do as far as mix-ins go, recipes to use, theming I guess even though that’s a bit too Pioneer Woman for me. I’m more of a mix-and-match bitch, to be honest.

****

Much later that night, after everyone left, Janna was still here so I was like, “JANNA YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS ONE DUMB LADY’S HOT CHOCOLATE BAR VIDEO” but then Chooch was also there trying to talk to her about the Holocaust, so to get her attention back to me, I started screaming, “JANNA LOOK THIS ASSHOLE IS USING A WINE GLASS TO TURN A CANISTER INTO A PEDASTAL BUT FIRST SHE’S GOING TO MAKE IT INTO A SNOWGLOBE WTF WHY” while Chooch was like, “JANNA BLAH BLAH BLAH HISTORY STUFF HITLER OH SHIT” and Janna honestly looked like she was in some type of ring of Hell which had been uninhabited for trillions of years until now.

Rejoice, Reveluvs!! Red Velvet is BACK. This is totally my style, what a perfect early Xmas gift!

And on that note, I have to drag my ass to work after a full weekend of social engagements and bossing Henry around. Sigh.

“What?”

Just in case anyone forgets I have cats, here are some recent photos of them. They’re currently walking around the house like it’s their first day here because GOD FORBID some things got moved around yesterday and then people were here last night, so they still have a very concerned STRANGER DANGER mask upon their furry little faces.

I never had cats before who cared so much about toy mice. My old batch of cats (RIP ugh I miss them) never played with the toys I bought them instead opting for your basic twist ties and bottle caps.

But these two, Penelope especially, play with every single mouse they’ve accumulated, all the holiday editions, all the ones with catnip, without catnip, the felt ones, the weird shimmery fabric ones—they fucking love them all.

Well, except for this basic pink one that Penelope absolutely hates for some reason and is always hiding it but then I find it and make a big production of returning it to her while shouting PENELOPE HERE IS PINK MOUSEY (except in cat speak, which is “dat is dat pink myousey.”) and she just glares at me.

We moved their cat tower into the dining room yesterday to open up the living room a bit because we hosted a small Christmas get-together and they are SO CONFUSED.

I think it makes sense to keep it there because now they look out a window that they never really cared about before and Penelope was singing “A WHOLE NEW WORLD” while she watched someone in the driveway this morning. Also, she has a crush on Hot Naybor Chris so this would give her more opportunities to spy on him I would think.

Drew is not sold yet though

I threw a box on the floor for her so now she’s happy. But still disoriented. Change is scary, you guys. What’s a clean house? Omg! But never fear, Henry just replaced all the nice holiday shit on the dining room table with his greeting card-making tools so things are starting to go back to normal.

Calm down, cats. Breathe.

Guys, sometimes I don’t feel exactly inspired to workout. Maybe I’m tired from a mentally taxing day at work or maybe my body is just like “Yo please give us a break, lady” because I’ve overdone it with HIIT workouts that week. But I still want to do something!

Usually I’ll start searching for niche themed-workouts that tend to be ridiculous so I’m getting a great core workout just from laughing! Lately, even though I don’t particularly like Xmas music, I’ve been doing random holiday-themed workouts on YouTube and not only is it helping me keep my weight in check during this Christmas cookie flurry, it’s also kind of making me get in the mood for Christmas!

This will always be a special time for me when it comes to exercise, because it was 4 years ago that I found KpopX on Christmas Eve and, well, two trips to Korea and several smaller dress sizes later, I guess you could say it pretty much changed my life!

I’m going to be including full-length workouts as well as quick one-song aerobics routines because these ones are good when you’ve been working from home and need to just get up and stretch for 5 minutes! Evert little bit of movement you can wedge into your day really makes a difference, you guys. ‘Tis I, Erin Rachelle Kelly, the Ambassador of Ambulation. Oh, you just wait until I have my sash made.

*****

1. PAUL EUGENE’S CRUNK CHRISTMAS FROM A CHAIR!

Maybe you’re just getting back into a workout routine after an injury or have a bad back (like Henry), then might I suggest this titillating chair workout from your boy, my boy, our boy: PAUL EUGENE?!

This one is also good if you don’t like Christmas music, but want to look at someone doing chair jacks in front of a Christmas themed green screen?

2. Vietnamese Christmas Dance Party!

I’m doing this one as soon as I finish this blog post! Whenever it says “all level” I’m like, “OK I might not get hurt.”

3. Give Me Five Thailand: Red & Green Edition

I LOVE THIS GUY SO MUCH. He primarily does cardio dance routines to kpop jams, but when this one came out a few days ago, I was like, “Well, I guess I like Mariah Carey now. Let’s get it.”

4. Christmas Walkin’!

So, everything about this channel seems like something that I should be completely adverse to. But for some reason, I REALLY LIKE THIS LADY. Enough that I’ll even tolerate Christmas tunes for her. And maybe I even smile a little. I dunno, I just think she seems like a nice lady, OK?! And sometimes I need a break from walking in place to murder shows or suffering through Leslie Sansone’s Janice-from-Friends- esque bray.

5. Blessercise

Because Jesus is the Reason for the Season!

I sent this to my team at work and they were like, “WHAT. WHY. HOW DO YOU FIND THESE THINGS.” But I think at least two of them went home and tried it.

*****

Well, I hope you tried at least one of these. Let me know if you did, and also, feel free to share your favorite YouTube workouts! I’m always looking for new shit. MERRY CARDIOMAS!

Every video I watched about Silver Dollar City gave a shout-out to the candymakin’ biddies at Brow’s Candy Factory. They give demonstrations throughout the day, so we made it a priority to catch one. Am I officially turning into an old person? Mayhaps.

I said “mayhaps.”

Fuck, I’m old.

The demonstration we caught was two of the Olds pounding out some of that famous Silver Dollar City peanut brittle. Of course, it was full of puns and dad jokes at which I laughed loudly because I knew it was making Chooch angry. Then they said that the only way the candy audience could receive a sample was by singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and I am THE WORST at knowing lyrics to Christmas songs. Those broads were actually checking the crowd too, making sure our mouths were moving, and of course every time they looked at me was at a part I couldn’t remember so I just mumbled my way through it.

And I got my sample! Most people approached in an orderly fashion but Chooch and me, and a handful of kids, were acting like it was auditions for a sport, that is to say, we were aggressive. I wanted a sampled while they were still warm, OK?!

Yeah, it was nice. Was it the best peanut brittle I’ve ever had? I don’t know — all peanut brittle tastes the same to me.

OK so you know me, the RMC-whore that I am: Outlaw Run was the main reason I wanted to come to this park that’s nearly 13 hours away by car. Everyone at work was like “bitch you cray” but if any of you are legit coaster enthusiasts, YOU UNDERSTAND. RMC is like the hottest coaster manufacturing company out there right now and I am a slut for their refurbished woodies. If you ask me, they’re the best thing to come out of Idaho since, I don’t know, potatoes probably.

Luckily for us, Outlaw Run was running all day, in spite of the weather. Although, when the gates open, we ran straight for it only to find out it was temporarily down for maintenance. Hilariously, there was just a very small crowd of us bee-lining toward it, and literally every other motherfucker veered off to another path in order to line up for one of the shows. This is why I love parks like SDC and Dollywood! Everyone goes for the shows leaving all of the rides a veritable walk-on.

The first time we rode it, some young ride attendant was assigning seats. When he tried to put us in the fifth row, I asked, “Could we have the back instead?” He tossed a furtive glance over his shoulder toward the back of the train, and then nodded. We always consider these such huge wins because we have little else going for us in life.

While we were standing in the back, waiting for the train to return, I spotted Henry standing with all of the other parents waiting to photograph their kids when the train left the station. I waved to him just as the young ride attendant* looked over at me and thought I was waving to him so he waved back and then I think he thought I had a crush on him because he smiled at me every time we came back to ride again so that was cool.

*(I forget his name! I want to say it was like, Kyle, or something and I only know that because the ride operator called him out OVER THE MICROPHONE at one point for sitting down and forgetting to assign seats, lol wow calm down buddy, there wasn’t much going on that day.)

Empty line—for an RMC!? This was when we came back for a night ride and proceeded to get off and run right back into line three times because…when an RMC is a walk-on, you GET THE FUCK BACK IN LINE. It was us and this group of three young kids who kept getting off and running back on but they were SO FUCKING ANNOYING and Chooch was like drowning in schadenfreude one of the times because the one kid got his coat snagged on the gate so we were able to breeze past him and then the other two kids had to stop and wait for him HAHAHA SUCK IT, ASSHOLES.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

To get back in line, you have to run all the way through the Outlaw Run gift shop, which is where Henry was always waiting for us and he was getting so furious because he was ready to leave but we kept huffing, “JUST ONE MORE TIME!” as we galloped past him. One of the times, the lady working in the gift shop calmly told us not to run so we were like SORRY and slowed to a speedwalk until we got out of the gift shop and then we kicked our legs into high-speed cartoon-running-on-air mode.

The Outlaw Run station looks so beautiful lit up for the Christmas season!

So maybe you’re wondering, “Was it worth dragging Henry and his brokedown back on the half-country trek?” YES. YES IT WAS. That ride was fucking nuts, as RMCs tend to be on principal. Especially at night, once you got to the top of the hill, you were dropping down into a pitch-black valley and that track turns and whips you in ungodly ways even in the sunlight. I couldn’t figure out what was going on!

In case you need FACTS: This was the first wooden roller coaster manufactured by Rocky Mountain Construction and the first wooden roller coaster with multiple inversions. It really was a gamechanger and even though we’ve ridden newer RMCs, I would still say that this one holds up. My ONLY complaint is that it is infuriatingly short in length. It wasn’t too much of a deal breaker for us on this day since we were literally just walking right on it, but if I had been there on a busy day and had to stand in line for anywhere longer than 30 minutes, I’m pretty sure my opinion would be bleak.

We learned later that the ringleader of the kids we hated was named RYDER because of course he was.

Here’s a fun fact about Silver Dollar City: It’s built on top of a cavern, tours of which are included in the cost of admission! Of course Chooch and I wanted to partake in these subterranean shenanigans. Apparently though, there was flooding in part of the cave so they were only offering half-tours which meant instead of riding the tram out of the caverns, we had to walk up the steps we descended to get into it. Thank god I’m in shape, because it was like 30-some flights of steps I think they said?

Henry was unable to join us for this underground tour of puns because in the very beginning of it, there’s a true-size cut-out of the lowest opening you’ll need to walk through once in the cavern, and Henry couldn’t bend down enough to get through because of his back which cracked us up because we’re shitty people but yes, I know: REALLY NOT FUNNY, SORRY HENRY.

His back is practically fine now so don’t pity him too much.

Anyway, I’m always down for a good cavern tour and this one was really enjoyable. The theme of the tour was “guano” because that’s what was found when the cavern was first discovered, just a…shit-ton of guano.  I’d be interested in going back again when the full-tour is available though because we didn’t get to the waterfall room, whatever the fuck that its! My favorite part was when our tour guide was like, “Screw that tree outside, we have our own Christmas tree” and then lit up a giant tree made from strings of lights (see above picture!).

But yeah, the cavern is the reason Silver Dollar City exists today, so props to you, underground world.

When we made it back out of the cave, Henry was waiting for us inside the gift shop. “They’re getting ready to light the tree,” he said, and I was like, “OMG RUN!” for some reason, because I am apparently super into the lighting of Christmas trees now.

I gotta admit, it was pretty magical. I thought the lights were just being projected onto the tree because the images were so cool, but Henry verified that there was actual lights on each branch.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

And then we just meandered about and enjoyed the lights, like normal Americans. That’s what you people do, right? My favorite part was when we walked by a stage with some strange man in a shimmery green blazer playing the piano. He stopped to talk to the audience and as we walked by, Chooch screamed, “MERRY XMAS” and everyone turned to look at us. Henry was really happy about that.

In case you were wondering, SDC celebrates the TRUE MEANING OF XMAS so there’s all kinds of Jesus shit everywhere.

The only argument of the day happened beneath this wreath. All I wanted was one quick shot of Chooch and me but there was a family of like 10 who were totally monopolizing the area like it was their fucking backyard and it went from one group picture to, “NOW WE NEED ONE OF JUST SUSIE AND TED. OK, NOW ANNE AND TOM” and so on until I was certain that they were doing this on purpose because they knew I was waiting to get a picture.

When it was finally all clear, Henry took a blurry picture and also cut off the top of the wreath because that’s what morons do – cut off the tops of things in pictures. So I completely lost it but then Chooch and I went back to Grandfather’s Mansion and I was OK again.

And that concludes my Silver Dollar City review. I’m excited to go back in warmer weather and ride the stuff that was closed!

Technically, it’s still 12/18 in the US, which means it’s already been 2 years since the world lost Kim Jonghyun. It still feels very surreal and raw when I think about it, and it’s hard to explain how the death of a person you didn’t really know “in real life” could have such an impact on you, but the loss of Jonghyun really hurts even to this day. I guess it’s relatable to an extent, knowing that he was drowning in such sadness. And also the fact that he was a brilliant artist—it hurts. Knowing that SHINee will never fully be 5 again is so depressing.

I look at this framed picture of Jonghyun every day. It’s hanging in my room and his face reminds me to keep going, to smile through the sad times, but also to ask for help when I need it.

I wore one of my Jonghyun pins today in his honor and let it slide when people jokingly made fun of my love for Kpop idols. I tried to be nice and pleasant to everyone even though I was crying on the inside.

Well, I’m going to force my cats to cuddle with me and while I cry, and they’re certain to reject me so look out Henry, here I come.

It’s my favorite time at the office you guys! The time when work SORT OF slows down a little (j/k this never happens anymore), co-workers ply us with cookies and nut rolls, Sue brings out all the Christmas wreaths and army of tinsel trees, and my little team has their annual Christmas lunch!

Every year, I try to make our boss Amber a…cute (?) card from all of us. I let Cheryl deal with collecting money for the gift card and got to work on this year’s masterpiece.

I think it might be my best work yet. When I handed it to Glenn to sign this morning, he barely even glanced at it, signed his name, and handed it back. He is truly dead inside when it comes to anything I do. IT’S ALMOST NOT FUN TO TERRORIZE HIM ANYMORE. I THINK THIS WAS HIS PLAN.

Fuck.

Whatever. Amber loved it and I think she is smug because she is always the only one in the office to get an Erin R Kelly original greeting card. I mean, it’s kind of my thing.

I also got her a candle from all of us. Not just any candle.

Courtesy of alwaysfits.com.

We have weekly meetings and I’m such a huge baby about them. I don’t know why—I guess because I feel like a trapped animal. I actually like everyone in my group so it’s nothing to do with them. So maybe I should have just given myself the candle…

After I presented Amber with her card and candle, she said, “Thanks, Erin!…..and everyone else.” When I walked past Glenn and Todd, I bragged that she only thanked everyone else as an afterthought, and Todd said, “See, I heard her thank ‘Todd’ and no one else.” Whatever! He wasn’t even going to come in today for our lunch because he was working late shift from home BUT I BULLIED HIM INTO COMING INTO THE OFFICE AND HE DID IT. I have a certain kind of pull around that office, you guys.

We had lunch today at City Works. Lauren and Cheryl were unable to make it, and two of other team members are based out of Chicago, so we missed them!

BUT we got to bring Joy and Margie with us and that was a fine trade-off!

You guys, I got this cauliflower steak and I was so excited about it!

Being a vegetarian, I have to plan ahead whenever I’m invited to any sort of work lunch, because it’s usually slim pickins for us meatfree lifetstyle people. When I saw that they had this in addition to the menu-standard veggie burger, I was stoked. (Although their veggie burger was actually an Impossible Burger and that was tempting!)

It was so nice to have an option aside from a veggie burger and salad! This bitchin’ slab of cauliflower was perfectly seared (that’s a thing right) and topped with some kind of greens, like arugula maybe. There was nice red sauce thing that was kind of like tomato sauce I guess, and also there were some slivers of almonds tucked away.

I WAS SO HAPPY! I was so fixated on cleaning my plate that I barely listened to the grown-ups talking about student loan solutions.

Then I made the waiter take a picture of us and he was like, “Can you plz hold the phone* until I clear out the dirty dishes so that you can actually have a nice picture?” and I was like, “WOW. SMART. Yes, let’s wait for that.”

*(Literally–I kept trying to hand him my phone and he was like chill girl you’ll get your damn picture after I do my job.)

(He was a good waiter.)

Before we left, Amber mentioned something about Santa and Joy was like, “Haha, OK” and we were like, “NO, WE ARE GOING TO GET OUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH SANTA AFTER THIS” and she was like, “Have fun with that” and I said, “JOY, YOU HAVE TO DO IT TOO” and I gave her my patented pout and she was like, “Oh for God’s sake how can I say no to that.” I KNOW RIGHT?!

But seriously, everyone thinks they’re getting a free lunch until they realize that the price they’re paying is succumbing to my whims.

This year, there was no line! Santa made a big deal of asking everyone their names, which they calmly answered in an adult manner. When he got to me, he said, “And that means you must be….” and I screamed, “I’M ERIN!” with my hands clasped and everyone groaned.

They took two photos and I’m posting both here because of Todd haha. Also, in the second one, they had Amber stand on a stool and afterward Santa said, “And that was the year you asked to be a foot taller!” and we were like, “OH SANTA YOU…SLEIGH!”

Ugh, I love that these people indulge me! And I love making these dumb office memories. We all spend so much time together, we might as well make it fun every now and then!

P.S. Margie totally wears that hand brace thing for attention.

As much as I love traveling and going on weekend road trips, it was really nice to stay home this past weekend and not have any obligations! Well, that’s not true – we had a family eye exam on Sunday except that when we got there, they were like, “Hello, we called you and left several voice mails because your insurance is denying your visit until after 12/23.”

First of all: insurance is so fucking dumb and annoying and I will never (want to) understand it. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I said to Henry, “OK don’t laugh, but what the fuck is a deductible and what does it mean when you’ve ‘met it'” and then THAT turned into a fucking snoozefest of a conversation, hoo boy.

And second of all: WHO LISTENS TO VOICE MAILS ANYMORE?! I know I surely don’t. And these rods* totally texted me twice too to confirm my appointment and I even texted back a “Y” like they instructed!!!

*(This was the first name that came to mind for some reason and now I’m laughing alone because eyeballs have rods! GOD, I crack myself up so much. I AM MY BIGGEST FAN!)

Ugh, OK fine. It was my fault. But yay! No eye exam until 12/something else now!

The weekend was nice and chill aside from that. Calvin came over Saturday morning to look at Trudy except the first thing he noticed was that his bin of toy cars (see also: Chooch’s old bin of toy cars) was gone. Henry put it in the basement until after Christmas and I said, “You know Calvin is going to have a cow over this” and Henry was like, “HE WILL NOT NOTICE.”

Yep.

Chooch and I have been labeling each other’s gifts in Hangul (Henry said he doesn’t care that he can’t read it but I think he secretly feels left out HAHAH) and this one killed me: it says to Erin from Taemin. I showed it to Jiyong and she was like, “he is so cute!” and I was like “I know Taemin is.”

Sigh.

Speaking of Jiyong, we had our weekly meet-up at Panera. I brought one of my Talk to Me In Korean workbooks with me and it’s a lot more productive this way because I always have a million questions (I sound like a toddler: “But why? Why though? Why is that way? Why?” and she’s just like “….IT’S JUST BECAUSE!”) and she challenges me to go further with each exercise too, OMG LIKE A TRAINER BUT FOR MY BRAIN. Guys, I’m going to be real honest here, I’m not sure I will ever reach a comfortable level with Korean but I am definitely learning a lot and my sight-reading is getting stronger. It’s just the part when she’s like, “Say something in Korean” and my tongue feels like it’s been cut into tentacles and tied together and then coated with peanut butter too.

It’s still REALLY interesting though and I enjoy meeting with her a lot. Especially because I can talk to her about the dramas I’m watching!

Currently, Henry and I are both watching When the Camellia Blooms and it’s a contender for the best Korean drama I’ve seen yet. IT IS SO GOOD. The storyline, the characters, the acting. The acting in Korean dramas is typically super stellar, and I think that’s why I was even more disappointed with the last several American dramas I watched on Netflix. Korean dramas have raised the bar for me!

Anyway, I would highly recommend this one to anyone looking to try out a Korean drama for the first time. It’s just really wonderful. But, as they all do, it makes me want to go back in the worst way.

The rest of Saturday was just really calm and nice. Henry finished up some house projects and started cleaning the kitchen while I dreamed of more projects for him.

Saturday’s theme bled into Sunday. We’re hosting a very small Christmas not-party next Saturday because WENDY wanted me to and I literally cannot say no to Wendy. It’s not that I don’t want to have a party, but I do not have the emotional capacity lately to be at the center of a social event, even though throwing parties is so much fun for me. So I agreed to host something small and I kept the guest list pared down to just a handful of people who I talk to regularly, and as usual, I’m panicking that other friends will get mad at me over it but…maybe next year I’ll have something larger. That being said, Chooch and I scoured the Internet Sunday morning for simple, easy, inexpensive Xmas recipes for Henry to make, but we also found some cute shit that he and I might actually be able to do ourselves?!!? It’s basically a fancier Rice Krispies treat and I think it might cause frustration but the end result will be worth it, maybe?

Since we got rejected at the eye doctor, we went to the nearby Joann Fabrics because Henry needed to buy glue since every time he buys glue, it disappears (Chooch probably has 8 tubes of it spread around his room at this point). I bought more Christmas decorations since everything was on sale, but I don’t understand sales that much so I got bored after awhile and left Henry there and joined Chooch who was at Petsmart (we were in a shopping center). Turns out, it was the day that SANTA was there so the store was poppin’ off with dogs in their best Christmas sweaters and Chooch and I were dying. One lady had this huge stroller with FIVE CHIHUAHUAS (I have never had to write/type that word before so thank you, Google, for guiding the way) all in different festive attire and my heart just couldn’t take it.

Meanwhile, Chooch sent Janna a video of two hamsters having sex and Janna was like THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY ARE DOING and we were like, “Aw, Janna is so naive.”

“I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE THIS JEALOUS OF SANTA,” Chooch cried as we peered through the glass of the room where Santa was posing with all the pets. “I changed my mind. THIS is what I want to be when I grow up.”

That’s good because we pretty much spent all of his college fund years ago, so see ya never, Carnegie Mellon!

These cats would NEVER allow Santa to get close enough for a picture, that’s for sure.

Went to Target – they had the Taemin version of the SuperM album! I should have bought it for Janna’s Christmas present.

Henry went to do laundry later that evening, so Chooch and I were left to our own devices. I was cleaning this one area of the house and found a bunch of old pictures that I brought home from when we were going through all that bullshit at my pappap’s house in 2016 which caused me to lose a bunch of hair (stress is cool!) so I made Chooch come over to look them with me but it just angered him because there were lots of pictures in there from one of my birthdays and I’m standing in my Pappap’s kitchen in front of a spread of new toys, and then there were pictures from one of the Christmases at his house where the tree and living room looked like the centerfold from a Better Homes & Garden holiday issue and the presents were literally spilling out from under the tree like the living room was being invaded.

“I HATE YOU,” Chooch said, flinging the pictures away from him. HAHAHA. I had such a precious childhood, lol.

Bored with being reminded that I was born with a silver spoon in mu mouth, Chooch went upstairs and got my photo albums from after I moved out and started walking down the path of near-poverty because, well, independence is expensive you guys. He likes these albums though because they’re full of pictures of my old cats (RIP: Marcy, Nicotina, Don, and Willie) but also pictures of me and my friends at the bar or one of my many house parties, but he always flips past those pages because they’re “boring” and I’m “annoying.”

However, we got to this one album that had pictures of the time my friend Wonka and I went to see the band Cold in Hershey, PA — we LOVED Cold and were basically groupies. On this particular date though, we had the privilege of sitting in the parking lot before the show with a couple other fans and the singer of Cold himself – SCOOTER WARD. Now, for all of the times I saw Cold, I could never really gather the courage to talk to him because he was, and this is so cliche but I don’t care, a god in my eyes. Cold’s music was so prominent during those really confusing years when you’re in your early 20s and just have no idea what the fuck you’re doing or who you even are. I wouldn’t go back to those years if you paid me, truly I wouldn’t, and sometimes I think back to that time and feel so amazed that I survived because I lived so recklessly and had zero value for my life. Honestly.

Chooch tried to flip past these pages too but I stopped him.

“Wait!” I yelled. “I have a story!” And then I told him about sitting in the parking lot, listening to Scooter Ward talk about his music, and how he gave us Starbursts. “He gave me an orange one and I still have it,” I said, and I could tell Chooch didn’t believe me. “It’s actually in the freezer somewhere, hold on, I’ll go find it.” And before Chooch could stop me, I was in the kitchen, rummaging through the freezer until I found it in the back:

I keep it in there because after the first year I had it, I noticed that it was starting to melt during the summer and I panicked, unlike a regular person who would have just thrown it out.

Or, you know, ate it at the time it was given to them.

“See? I knew I still had it!” I boasted proudly.

“Wow, you sure do,” Chooch said sourly, and then promptly almost puked.

Somehow that night, I got hung up on the idea of having hot chocolate bar at my not-party, instead of making a punch or sangria like I normally do. And that is how Chooch and I fell down the rabbit hole of hot cocoa bar DIY YouTube videos, which has since replaced “birthday party videos” as our favorite thing to mock-watch on YouTube. We were really diving deep into them last night.

“Basically, anytime she says it’s going to be super cute, it’s super not,” Chooch dryly said in response to this one totally basic white bitch whose whole video was how she made a hot cocoa bar for under $25 thanks to Dollar General (I’m sure it was sponsored). This one dumb bitch basically just set out her Keurig with Swiss Miss pods, filled a mason jar with crushed peppermint, and then lined up her FUCKING UGLY RAE DUNN MUGS and THAT WAS IT?! Bitch please, get off my YouTube.

Well, that was my weekend. Hope your’s was JUST DELIGHTFUL.

In spite of Henry’s back being broken and half the rides not running because of the weather, we still had a great time at Silver Dollar City! Here’s some photos of us being a moderately happy family. (Hey, we only had one fight and that was all the way at the end of the night when we were all cold and tired so that has to count for something, right?!)

Here we are on the shooting dark ride that I made Henry ride with us and he was all bent out of shape about it for some reason, maybe because he knows how competitive I get when it comes to these rides.

I actually really dislike it when a dark ride has the shooting element to it. It distracts me from the actual ride and by the time it’s over, I have no idea what I was even looking at aside from tiny targets and the score on my stupid gun.

Even still, I liked this one because it wasn’t just a dark ride, it was ON A BOAT.

I just tweeted last week about losing more weight but you would never know it because I still like a hunchbacked tree trunk in pictures. Don’t worry, haters! Anyway, I’m still posting this because Chooch looks cute and also we give no glories to your God so this picture is pretty hilarious.

In line for Thunderation, which I kept calling Thunder Nation, and then I was singing it in my head to the tune of Rhythm Nation and it was just a real mess inside my skull.

I wasn’t ready.

If you’re into posing with tons of Christmas character things, then Silver Dollar City’s got you covered, boy.

Just because you wear it across your chest doesn’t make it any less of PURSE, Henry.

The only thing that disappointed me about SDC, and this is really reaching, is that their carousel was SO SMALL. Like, it was so small that I was convinced it was just the Kiddy Land version and that there had to have been a real carousel elsewhere in the park BUT NO, this was it.

Also, the old people running the ride were adamant about NO CELL PHONES OR CAMERAS once the ride started so we had to fucking hurry and get our pictures while the ride was still being loaded. I was angry because the first time we rode it,  Henry and I claimed our horses behind the one Chooch chose, but then Henry got off for .000005 seconds to give Chooch my phone to take the picture and in that short amount of time, two fucking kids came and took the two horses next to me, one of which was Henry’s so I was like WHAT THE FUCK, KIDS and we all had to get up and run to another spot where we could sit together.

What inconsiderate assholes.

“They were like 7, Erin,” Henry said but please read this in WHITE KNIGHT font.

Love you, SDC, but your carousel is beat.

Because I’m a monster, I made them ride it again later so we could try to get a better family picture. This time, we were the ONLY PEOPLE RIDING IT and a different old person ride operator was really nice and asked, “OK, did you get your picture?” before starting the ride. We are such embarrassments.

Anyway, I love how the wind was blowing Chooch’s back in such a way that it looks like this was the most thrilling ride in the park.

(It wasn’t. That was Outlaw Run. More on that in another post, I guess, because why not drag this out for as long as possible so I can continue being stressed about having shit to do when none of it is even necessary but I guess I’m just addicted to never-ending To Do lists.)

Speaking of Outlaw Run, here is a picture of Chooch and me in line for Outlaw Run at the end of the night when we marathoned it. I don’t know why my face looks like I just had a stroke. I think I must have been squinting against the cold?! #excuses

There was this funhouse-type thing called Grandfather’s Mansion or something and it was just one of those roadside attraction-esque explorations in gravity. There was one room that had a wooden bed and the challenge is to lay down on it and then lift yourself up without using your arms or legs. We were watching all these people trying and failing to it, and it looked like some huge struggle, so then I tried it and expected it to be impossible but I popped myself right up. Henry was like, “Well you because you have abs” and I mean, I am constantly doing ab exercises subconsciously while watching my shows, so I guess I do “have abs.”

Don’t worry – I still have lots of fat covering them so don’t get all jealous, haha. There are no bikinis in this bitch’s future.

OK, I have “errands” to do today so I’ll come back another day and tell you about some of the rides, THE CAVERN!!!, and the Christmas lights. Silver Dollar City is a real gem – who knew that Branson, Missouri was so cool?!