Hi guys today DREW and I spent some quality time together since Chooch abandons us every day for Chooch Things. I got moderately-dressed today because I had a video meeting with my group at work and honestly, I’m pretty bummed because I have been curating a nice new wardrobe this past year in anticipation of someday returning to the office, which has not yet happened and where am I going to where this shit? I only go to Target, the cemetery, and amusement parks.

So.

(Fun fact: that thing on the floor next to the cat tower – no, not the cat, that’s Drew – is a fake finger thing that Chooch got at Stricker’s Grove after trading in his game tickets. He actually got two of them. Whatta prize.)

(Another fin fact: the title of that blog post I linked to up there boasts Chooch’s 150th roller coaster credit but we found out later that it wasn’t actually his 150th because his spreadsheet was all fucked up, lol.)

While I was taking pictures of Drew and me (JUST TWO GIRLS WAITING FOR THE SQUIRRELS), I thought that maybe I should start at least dressing up occasionally at home and do dumb fauxtoshoots while wearing some new clothes?? Am I suddenly a fashion blogger or just pressed for content?

I think we all know, lol.

Wow, this is great quality.

Anyway, this shirt was like MAJOR CHEAPO from Shein which, you know, fast fashion is bad.

And to be honest, with every order I get from Shein, I usually return 1/3 of it because their shit can be so weird and cut oddly. This shirt is so cute and comfortable though and it meets two of my current criteria:

1. IS IT SOMETHING THAT HEIDI WOULD WEAR ON A TRIP TO TOWN WITH GRANDFATHER?
2. IS IT MUSTARD-COLORED?

And I love Peter Pan collars!!

Oh well. I’ll try to do better next time but it’s hard when my cats can’t take the pictures for me.

Oh hey Mary, who’s that on the phone? Oh, it’s just the rest of the books I read in July? Tell them I’ll call them back. No, seriously, tell them I’m incapacitated and take a message. No, not decapitated—wait, yeah, tell them that. Oh for god’s sake, fine, tell them I’ll stop watching kpop videos and recap their damn asses on my dumb blog. UGH.

6. Good Neighbors – Sarah Langan

Never before has the word “bitumen” seen so much action. Also, thank god I read this as an audio book else I’d never know to pronounce it BITCHOOOMIN and apparently Henry, Man of the Earth, does not pronounce it as such because he had NO IDEA what I was talking about until I spelled it for him. Also, after hearing this word for approx. the 12th time, I figured it was time to stop being lazy and actually look it up. It is just this road-shit:

Oh but how was the book, you ask? Pretty fucking dumb. I hated every character. Literally, there was no one worth rooting for except for the one neighbor’s German shepherd. I kept picturing them all as Sims. Or like, one-dimensional people quickly drawn by Matt Groenig while he was on the commode. Anyway, there was a sinkhole and then this whole street basically goes nuts and then there’s lots of bullying between the kids and adults and it was just not that great. Sorry if it’s your fave.

7. The Last Tang Standing – Lauren Ho

This was a cute book billed as “Crazy Rich Asians meets Bridget Jones’ Diary” and I can definitely get on board with this comparison. There’s not much else to say really aside from that I enjoyed it but it was kind of too long I thought? Also it made me glad that I only just WORK FOR attorneys and am NOT AN ATTORNEY because this broad was like all-consumed with making partner and nope, no thanks, that’s not the life for me. I like to be done working at the same time everyday so that I can eat my dinner, exercise, and then spend my evenings watching roller coaster or Korea or book videos on YouTube. Thanks.

8. How Lucky – Will Leitch 

Ooh, this book was good and suspenseful but also had a good amount of humor because we are very much inside the main character’s head, and he’s pretty sure he just witnessed, from the privacy of his front porch, a college student get abducted. I loved this guy, I loved the people around him, and I loved the writing.

Stephen King says, “A fantastic novel…you are going to like this a lot” and you know what? He ain’t wrong.

9. The Final Revival of Opal & Nev – Dawnie Walton

This is basically if Daisy Jones and the Six had actual DEPTH to it and focused on REAL WORLD SHIT like racism. This is done interview-style much like Daisy Jones, where the interviewer is a Black journalist for some bigtime magazine, and she’s writing a history of this duo from 1970s, Opal and Nev, who experienced a flash-in-the-pan taste of fame together, before splitting up. Nev goes on to have a successful solo career and now, in the year (I think) 2016, they’re about to reunite for the first time, at some big music festival a la Woodstock.

The first part of the book was admittedly a bit slow and boring to me, focusing on Opal and Nev’s very very very different upbringings. But we know early on that the interviewer’s father was killed in the 70s and it was somehow because of Opal. So there is a lot of suspense and mystery that was built-up rather masterfully and I was fucking SICK when it finally got to the part in the book where the incident was talked about.

This book has way less fluff and goes so much deeper than Daisy Jones, which I did enjoy, don’t get me wrong but Daisy was just so unlikeable to me while Opal is a STRONG MOTHERFUCKING DIVA and goddamn I wish she was real. This book is great and I highly recommend the audiobook, it’s sensational.

10. What Comes After – JoAnne Tompkins

Oh this fucker damn near ruined my vacation because it BROKE MY FUCKING HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES. First of all, it was NOTHING like what I thought it was going to be. I was thinking it was a thriller because it’s about two teenager boys who are killed and in the book, we’re slowly told exactly what happened. But it is so much more than that. The chapters rotate from the POV of three characters: the Quaker father of one of the slain teens, a mysterious homeless teenaged girl, and the thoughts of the second slain teenager on his last day of life.

The found family aspect of this story is so goddamn strong and beautiful and awkward and just violently sad that I found myself reaching for spare napkins in the glove compartment more than once while we were driving from one amusement park to the next. Also, the father is a Quaker and there was some really interesting Quaker shit in this that really taught me some things about that way of life. I would never willingly pick up a book about “being Quaker” so this was a good way to trick me into learning a little.

It took me three days after finishing reading this to finally be able to tell Henry about it and even then, I kept getting the SAD LUMP in my throat that caused me to choke on my synopsis like, 87 times. This book is beautiful. Just…so fucking beautiful. BUT SO FUCKING GUT-WRENCHING AND DEPRESSING. Also how stunning is that cover?! If this was made into a movie, I’m actually not sure if I would ever be able to watch it.

But MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for pet stuff. I am crying right now thinking about it.

11. People We Meet On Vacation – Emily Henry

This was a RULL GOOD chaser to the previous book, that’s for damn sure. It was light and fluffy for the most part but also tense and sad and written in a way where you’re like BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THEIR FRIENDSHIP?? because all you know is that the main broad is a travel blogger who gets her Total Opposite Best Friend Who Is Also a Man to go on trips with her and I’ll tell you what, if I had read this last year during the height of covid, fuck that shit. My FOMO would have swallowed me whole. But as it were, I was actually on vacation while reading this so that took the edge off, lol.

I dunno, I think Emily Henry is an OK writer but I also think she is kind of overhyped? I will say that she writes relatively believable characters I guess, and she’s good for a good, quick read that’s not going to break your brain or your heart.

****

OK that’s all I read in July. A “light” reading month, lol. I was going to say that August is going well but then I flashed to one of the most recent books I just finished and how much I hated it and now my vision is slowly being coated in blood-red.

We didn’t do much this past weekend but it was a great one just the same. It’s nuts – during all of 2020 and most of 2021, I was pinging off the walls with my urgent need to go somewhere, anywhere. But now that we have been going away on weekends and stuff, I have been antsy to get back home. WHO AM I. Some weird pioneer woman version of myself. Next you’ll be catching me doing actual housework in lieu of having fun.

I did, however, have lunch with my bro Corey at our beloved Blue Flame! I hadn’t seen Corey in A BIT and also hadn’t been to Blue Flame since well before the start of the pandemic, so I was pretty fucking stoked for this. I noticed recently, the few times that Henry and I had driven past Blue Flame, that they had erected numerous signs boasting their new dalliance in serving Hershey ice cream. I wasn’t sure what all the hullabaloo was about since they have always offered ice cream as a dessert option, but figured they were just trying to drum up more business by reminding people that the option to come in just for a quick dessert was also on the table.

But then I was scoping out the menu online, as us members of the Meat-Free Club are wont to do in order to ensure we’re not going to be stuck with just a plate of lettuce and a baked potato. And with restaurants scaling back their menus during covid, I wanted to make sure my grilled cheese safety net was still in place. But then my eyes drifted to MULTI-GRAIN PANCAKES and I became fixated on that because I haven’t had pancakes in a long time and now suddenly, five days before this lunch was even happening, it was now all I could think about.

Before closing down the website, I noticed that once again, Blue Flame was pushing their Hershey scoops on their website too! WTF was so earth-shattering about this ice cream!?

Anyway, then Corey and I met up in the parking lot of BF on Saturday and I immediately pointed out how the windows had HUGE declarations of IT’S ALWAYS ICE CREAM WEATHER with cutesy ice cream cones drawn on the glass with window markers. “See??” I screamed. “They’re like, obsessed with ice cream suddenly!” I was so bewildered by this turn of events because in all the years I had been patronizing this place (literally my whole life, no exaggeration) dessert was never the main attraction. Sure, I have had numerous post-dinner chocolate scoops in the quintessential silver ice cream cup of yesteryear, but it wasn’t like, WHY you went to the Blue Flame.

We walked into the entrance and stopped at the “please wait to be seated” sign and Corey was all, “Um, holy shit, look” and over by where their breakfast buffet set-up used to live was an entirely renovated section dedicated JUST TO ICE CREAM. Yes, they actually added an entire ice cream shop inside their restaurant!

“Ooooh, now it’s all coming together!” I said slowly, and Corey did his patented SUPER LOUD LAUGH-OUTBURST, causing various Elders to toss glances over their shoulders at us. Then I pointed out that the Blue Flame sweatshirt hanging on the wall to advertise their MERCH LINE was folded in a way that it looked like a crop top, which made Corey once again BARK WITH LAUGHTER. Now, more people were squirming in their seats.

Anyway, all of this is to say that when a hostess came to seat us, she led us all the way to the back corner by the bathroom, like, “OK, you guys already gave us a taste of the kind of nuisances you’re gonna be so we’re just gonna tuck you away back here.”

SO TYPICAL!!

Man, what a great lunch. We got there at noon and closed the place out (they close at 2pm now because as with every other place in this new world, they’re understaffed). I think the waitstaff was REALLY HAPPY to see us finally get up from our booth, lol.

We joked later that after all that commotion about the ice cream, we didn’t even get any! So now we’re going to go back with our mom and have an ice cream party.

Terrible picture of me, but I’m keeping it because SIBLINGS.

I don’t even know what I did for the rest of Saturday. Oh! I was racing against the clock to finish a book that was due back to the library that day and hating every second of it because it was SUCH A SHITTY BOOK (“The Book of Accidents” by Chuck Wendig, in case you care). I was able to finish it but definitely didn’t feel like it was an accomplishment of any sort.

I spent most of the weekend re-obsessing over NCT, specifically NCT Dream and I think I finally decided that they are my favorite NCT subgroup?! You already know I’m gaga for Haechan but now suddenly I’m being whipped by Renjun’s voice and I’m not complaining. Anyway, this song from their latest release is really carrying me these days, I love it so much (it’s the first song specifically but FEEL FREE to listen to both because the second one is beautiful too):

I have felt so frantic, wanting to share this with someone, so…here you go Someone!

Sunday was whatever. Henry worked on THE SUBWAY SIGN which he is actually making progress on even though he said he’s been considering starting over from scratch and doing it a different way. You have no idea what a huge pain point this is in our relationship!! After he reached the point where he couldn’t go any farther without the aid of Supply X Y or Z which conveniently is always something that needs to be ordered online, we went for a walk in Homewood Cemetery and then got some Kung Fu Tea, even one for Chooch who has all but abandoned us since Blake and his family went on vacation and left Chooch the key to their house in order to watch their cat. We barely see him anymore unless we’re all away for the weekend, at which point he has no choice but to be with us lol poor him too bad so sad.

What other super scintillating acts took place this past weekend. Henry and I went to Target after dinner on Sunday. Do you still wear masks indoors even if vaccinated? We do. It’s a really weird feeling being in the mask-wearing minority but so far no one has tried to challenge us so maybe we are just shopping in decent, non-rednecky areas, I dunno. Chooch hasn’t started school yet but I’m curious to see how the mask mandate will play out there, but I’m hoping for  the best since it’s a city school and it seems like it’s mostly the crazy ass suburban Karens are pitching fits about their precious Chads and Brylynniahs having to mask-up. I’m just really so fucking sick of this country. Trump opened the floodgates and it feels like it will take a literal act of God to close it back up at this point.

But anyway, back to Target. I found the perfect denim jacket over in the Wild Fable section. You have no idea how picky I am with jean jackets but I have desired one for so long now, if only to have a canvas for my enamel pin collection. And then I thought to myself, “BOY ERIN WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF YOU TURNED YOUR MISTER SOFTEE TSHIRT INTO A PATCH FOR THE BACK OF YOUR NEW BITCHIN’ JACKET” because I actually hate the quality of that shirt, sadly. It’s so starchy and gross-feeling! So I’ve been sending Henry DIY tutorials so that he can add “patch-maker” to his list of trades.

Also while in Target, we overheard the funniest exchange between two young boys who were probably between 2nd-3rd grade ages, whatever that would be. One approached the other and very confidently greeted him by saying, “Hey it’s me, Scott. Remember? From BLAHBLAHPLACE?” and the other kid goes, “I have NO IDEA who you are.” And Scott kept trying to jog his memory but the kid was all, “Yeah I don’t remember you AT ALL” and the parents were like cringing but I had to run into another aisle because I was on the verge of cracking the fuck up. Kids are wild!!!! They’re just like “nope, you a stranger, sorry” while adults would be killing themselves trying to play along like, “OH YEAH, HEY YOU! WOW! SMALL WORLD!” having no actual fucking clue what’s going on. I mean, I once made it through an entire dinner with someone whose name I couldn’t remember, so.

Well, that was my weekend. Hope yours was tight. Or loose, if that’s how you prefer it.

Whoa, hold the phone, I only read eleven books in July!

Lol. Vacation really slowed my roll and I’m cool with that. I needed a light reading month! Anyway, here are the first five books of July because it’s like 90 degrees in my house and I can’t promise that I have the strength to sit here and recap all eleven while my thighs are literally sticking to the computer chair, ugh.

1. That Summer – Jennifer Weiner

I genuinely like Jennifer Weiner. This was my 3rd book of hers and I really think she is a good writer who creates characters with depth. This book is super inspired by the #MeToo movement so get ready to be pissed. Also, the synopsis essentially says it’s about a woman who keeps emails meant for another woman and I was so excited because THIS COULD BE MY BOOK except that in this case, it’s much more insidious and not just me getting Home Depot receipts from some rando Erin Kelly in Florida.

Anyway, I truly enjoyed this book and there is a very healthy and #goals relationship that happens with a maintenance man and I kept picturing Henry and there is also a teenage daughter who is fierce and independent and…Jennifer Weiner is just very much my cup of tea and I will ALWAYS associate her with the fact that one of her books was one of the first ones I took out of the library in January of 2020 when I decided I wanted to make a conscious effort to start reading regularly like I used to, so I really give her a lot of credit because when I read Mrs. Everything that month, it reopened my heart to reading again.

2. Inconvenient Daughter – Lauren J. Sharkey

I admittedly barely remember this book but it’s loosely based off the author’s experience of being adopted from South Korea by white people. There was some stuff in there about a really abusive relationship that the main character, Rowan, finds herself in after high school and it did kind of trigger me a little, I won’t lie. It wasn’t easy to read at times but I just really wanted her to be OK and to let her parents love her. Lauren J. Sharkey is a really great writer and there was some really well-placed humor in here too, so I will definitely pick up any book she may write in the future (this was her debut novel).

Interracial adoption is a very interesting topic to me and I have been trying to read more about it. As a white person born into a white family, attending predominantly white schools, I never had to think about how these types of adoptions literally strip a person of their identity, not just racially, but culturally as well.

3. Twelve Nights at Rotter House – J.W. Ocker

OK Mr. Ocker, I see you. Finally FINALLY FINALLY a haunted house book that I actually REALLY liked. The writing was fantastic – conversational, humorous – and the mood was set right from the get-go. I was tense. I legit jumped at times. I felt very uneasy when I was reading it alone downstairs on the couch at night. There are some classic tropes here that might be overdone but they worked in this case. I have had a really tough time lately finding good horror books  that don’t make me roll my eyes (Kill Creek, I’m looking at you, you piece of shit novel) but this one had me rooting for the main character, and the dialogue? Chef’s kiss. I could hear it in my head. I could see this playing out in my imagination.

This is how I like my horror. Would watch this if it was adapted to film.

4. Anxious People – Fredrik Backman

You already know that I love Fredrik Backman because of his incredible Beartown series, so it should come as no surprise that I wanted to walk around and give out free hugs after reading this. I mean, if it wasn’t still pandemic times and I didn’t flinch at the thought of physical contact with strangers. It’s the thought that counts, ok?

All I knew going into this was that it involved a bank robbery and hostage situation, but in true Backman form, it’s about SO MUCH MORE. Humanity! Love! Second chances! Found family! I’m starting to cry as I think back to all of the characters in this book, a real motely crew, and the bonds formed by complete strangers during one afternoon.

Highly recommend. I cried SO MUCH but also laughed because Backman’s dialogue isn’t just good, it’s Gilmore Girls-good.

Five stars. MUAH.

5. The Decagon House Murders – Yukito Ayatsuji

Oh boy, if you’re into classic mysteries in the vein of Agatha Christie, then this book is totally for you. I believe it was written in the early 80s in Japan and, as the book cover up there has already told you, it’s reached cult classic status over the years. I thought it was a pretty good whodunit! I don’t know what else you want me to say!

Ok, Mary here’s the story: we went to thirteen (13!!!!) other amusement parks this year before finally going to our home park Kennywood.

Which is like, 25 minutes from our house.

(OK, it’s longer when I drive because I take the NOSTALGIC route of my childhood, through West Mifflin which means fuck all to anyone reading this who doesn’t live in Pittsburgh but basically I go the way we used to go when I was a kid living in a completely different part of Western PA, lol.)

But hey Ted, let me tell you why I was dragging my feet: Kennywood has been changing, and not for the better. Can it go back to being family-run, please? I have no idea what the plan is but the dumbos that are in charge now removed FOUR FLAT RIDES this season: the Paratroopers, the Bayern Curve, Volcano (which will always be the Enterprise to me), and the MOTHERFUCKING KANGAROO. Literally, the ride of Kennywood’s mascot, Kenny Kangaroo. Those are four rides that I would ALWAYS take for a spin on my visits too (sometimes not the Bayern Curve though because there’s a horn that would occasionally blow and it always bothered me) and I am pretty gutted over this. And so was the park, as evidenced by the literal gaping spots of nothingness left in the wake of their removal.

I just hate it.

Didn’t they hurt us enough when they removed the Log Jammer?! Sure, we got that record-breaking….thing called Steel Curtain, but if we’re being honest, that coaster is just OK. Come on. It’s OK to admit it.

AND THEN?? They replaced the waffle place with a fucking MILLIE’S. Literally, the UPMC of ice cream shops. Every time I turn around, MILLIE’s. I used to be a huge Millie’s fan girl but the last several times I visited, I was met with subpar service and not-great scoops, so after years of screaming the virtue’s of Pittsburgh’s premier creamery, I unfollowed them from all social media and put all of my stock in Sugar Spell Scoops (the couple who own that biz are WAY more deserving of my attention anyway, AND their vegan ice cream is incredible).

And also! Kennywood’s admission is astronomical for what they offer these days. I felt so angry when I ordered our tickets online.

It was just Chooch and me who went last Tuesday – Henry was like NO THANK YOU when we asked him to take the day off and go with us. I know I complained a lot up there, but it was actually not all bad. I will recount the day’s events in bullet-form because that’s what cool people do.

• Chooch and I arrived at the park right as the gates were opening. Our traditional routine is to go straight to the Exterminator because that line pops off even on a light crowd day. It’s an indoor crazy mouse right, so most of the line queue is in a cement-block of a room that feels like a large jail cell and and honestly, even during NON-pandemic times, it’s horrible to stand in there. There is NO air flow and you’re at the mercy of the people freely farting and BO’ing all around you. Ugh. Kennywood recently reinstated their mask mandate for indoors, including Exterminator, but who knows how many people would actually abide by that? Judging by what we saw throughout the day any time we were in a gift shop, bathroom, or food-place, not many! So when we arrived at the Exterminator and found that no one was in line yet, I felt blessed. I don’t think we have ever been the first ones on the Exterminator before! And when the ride officially opened at 11, we ran past the ride attendant holding a box of disposable masks since we are mask mandate-abiding citizens and brought our own, and ran all the way through the queue while everyone behind us walked like Normals. I’m pretty sure we got on the ride and went through the entire cycle before anyone else caught up and got on  the ride, lol. We are fucking maniacs.
• Phantom was A FUCKING WALK-ON for the back row. Goddamn, this is literally the only reason I keep coming back to Kennywood after they consistently disappoint me and break my heart with the cruel decisions they make in their sterile boardroom.
• In line for the Racer, there were three older teens behind me talking about how they were going to take the back row and in my head I was like, “LOL, try it.” The group in front of us ran for the front and Chooch and I breezed right into the back row. Two of the guys got to snag the back row in the other train but their friend was left to dejectedly sit alone in some dumb row, lol. Anyway, I still think the Racer is fucking boring but I have to admit it’s smoother than most of the other racer-types we have recently ridden, fo’ sho’.

• The same guys ended up being in front of us for Steel Curtain and the ride attendant cut the line off at them since there were three of them and only two more riders were needed for the train that was queueing up so the ride attendant told Chooch and me to go ahead of them AND WE GOT THE BACK ROW AGAIN LOL. I felt kind of bad. Especially when….
• ….WE BROKE DOWN ON THE BRAKE RUN! So then they had to call up the out-of-shape maintenance guys who noodled on up in their golf cart and then like, 6 other Kennywood manager-looking people in polo shirts walked over from their secret underground headquarters. They got us back into the station in under five minutes (it was much less worse than the time we broke down on the Gatekeeper brake run) but then of course they had to shut down the ride for a bit to test it so those poor guys had to wait even longer. They probably really hated us then.
• Speaking of the Steel Curtain, it’s been running one-train ops FOREVER now. Like, what the fuck is the issue? Actually, I think I used to know and then forgot. But anyway, for one-train ops,  I do have to give lots of credit to the Steel Curtain crew because they fucking HUSTLE and even try to  to call out single riders in order to fill all the rows, which is something that I don’t see happening very often.

• This little kid photobombed us in line for Jack Rabbit and then excitedly blurted out, “I photobombed you!” and I thought that was really cute and Chooch was annoyed because we’re supposed to hate all kids together and he doesn’t like it when I find exceptions. Also, I love the fucking Jack Rabbit. I REALLY stopped and appreciated it this time around, having been on so many different wooden coasters lately. This bitch is 101 years old (the coaster, not me, though I am aging rapidly these days) and still so fucking smooth. I’m mad at CORPORATE KENNYWOOD but I have to say – they take excellent care of their coasters. They know they got a good thing going!

• Right about the time we were ready to eat, it started to rain. We were SO SMUG about this because for the last several years, whenever we go to Kennywood sans Henry it has been our tradition to eat at Johnny Rockets because they have a veggie burger. Plus, it’s indoors, whereas when we’re with Henry, we get pizza and have to eat it at a table outside. This is FINE but not when it’s raining. Well, since we got to Johnny Rockets right as the rain started, it hadn’t yet been deluged by people seeking shelter so the line to order wasn’t very long at all. In fact, there were only several groups ahead of us. But while we were standing there, I happened to glance at the menu. Then I did a second, longer glance. Then I walked closer to it and squinted. CONFIRMED: THE VEGGIE BURGER NO LONGER EXISTS IN THE JOHNNY ROCKETS WORLD. I’m not sure if this is just a temporary covid thing, an economy thing, a FUCK VEGETARIANS thing, or what, but it threw us for an actual loop because it was now STORMING and the only other indoor eating place had a line coming almost out the door.
  • Which brings us to that portion of the bullets: THE PARK CAFE ALSO HATES VEGETARIANS portion. First of all, congratulations for being literally the longest line we stood in all day, Park Cafe place. Also, congratulations to the whole lotta Yinzers declining to wear their masks indoors while in line and not eating. Cool. Cool cool cool. Anyway, I was panicking because my eyes are bad and I couldn’t see the menu and didn’t know if there were any options for me (Chooch said he was getting the mac & cheese dinner and I 100% did not want that). Chooch walked closer to the menu and reported back that they had a veggie wrap. Now I was happy! A veggie wrap sounded like JUST WHAT I WANTED.
  • Then I had a solid 30 minutes to stand in line, panicking about WHERE TO SIT once we got our food because 75% of the motheryinzers up in that piece were rain-averse sissies looking for shelter and not actually eating at the Park Cafe. For instance, we were standing near this one FEMALE who was taking up three (three!!!!) tables with her little brood of brats and they were eating snacks she had brought with her in ziplock bags. She was sitting there staring at everyone, while eating crackers. LITERALLY BEING A BITCH EATING CRACKERS. I watched her drop a crumb on her lap and then lazily pick it up and eat it. I HATED HER BIGLY.
  • When we got to the ordering portion of the line, I confidently screamed through my mask that I would be having a veggie wrap, please and thanks, only for the sandwich counter broad to come back and say, “I’m sorry we’re out of veggie wraps.” SO I SAID “OK NEVER MIND THEN I’M GOOD I GUESS” and ended up just getting an order of fries from the HOT FOODS counter and I was sad about it because first of all, I didn’t want fries, and second of all, if I did I would have gone to the POTATO PATCH BECAUSE HELLO WHO GOES TO KENNYWOOD AND THEN EATS NON-POTATO PATCH FRIES?? I guess a lot of people because I was seeing fries on many trays.
  • THEN I ALMOST SHANKED AN OLD BITCH WITH MY EYES ALONE WHEN SHE CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE DRINK LINE. I only given the guy my drink order and Chooch was right next to me waiting to get his drink too but after the man handed me my water (#CheapBitchAlert), this old bitch went right on ahead with her bad self and ordered pink lemonade. I looked at her and ACTUALLY made an “UGH” gasp sound and she shrugged and said, “I’m sorry, but he looked at me so I ordered!” Later on, Chooch white knighted her and I disowned him.
• Oh! We saw Aaron in Johnny Rockets! Apparently his brother who now works with Henry was also on his way. Henry excitedly texted me about this because that’s his Work Son and he knows everything about him. He definitely talks to Henry more than Henry’s actual sons do LOLOLOL.

• Is there even a more Pittsburghy picture? I mean, sure there is. But man. This is iconic. Steel shit in the background and good ass coasters in the forefront. Love that for us.
• Ugh, I stupidly put a temporary moratorium on my Millie’s ban because their KENNYWOOD EXCLUSIIVE flavor is a lemon thing with Eat n Park smiley cookies so I got that and it pretty OK for the first couple of bites but then I just felt sick and also remembered that I don’t even really like smiley cookies that much anymore but now I had wasted my KENNYWOOD SWEET TREAT on stupid ass Millie’s when I should have stuck with Golden Nugget. I was SO SAD. (Yes, I considered doubling up on ice cream but my stomach rejected that idea before I even had a chance to think the full thought.)

• It was still raining a little bit and because of nearby lightning, the coasters were still down. So we got in line for the Whip because it was running. While in line, there was a group of four kids in front of us, and the one girl who was maybe 13 was being SUCH.A.CUNT. She was evidently very offended and personally affected by the fact that one of the people with her had the AUDACITY to wear a mask. He looked like he was maybe 15, I dunno, I can’t tell ages. She kept screaming at him to take it off, the ‘rona’s not real (HATE when people call it that, btw) and when he failed to do her bidding, she ripped the mask off his face and threw it over the railing of the queue!!! Then she got in his face and coughed dramatically and with much vigor. OH BOY if that was my fucking kid she would HAVE GOT IT. I half-expected this guy to scream back at her but instead, he calmly pulled another mask out of his pocket and put it on. I mean, good for him for being the bigger person, but if I were under the age of 18, that bitch would have had her hair yanked out of her white trash head. You know she learned that shit from her parents, too! Ma and Pa are probably still proudly flying that TRUMP 2020 flag from their trailer. Of course, I took a picture of the bitch but I will be MATURE and not post it here also because I don’t want to get in trouble lol.

• she might be in the background though.

• When we got off the Whip (which was extra whippy and fun in the rain!), I saw that the Swings were testing so Chooch and I got in line with all the GP, like wow how hard-pressed we were for action in the rain. Also, I was NOT leaving the park just because it was raining. Rainy days are the best times to go to Kennywood. So, we stood in line waiting for the Swings to reopen and when the unsmiling worker took away the CLOSED FOR WEATHER sign, we cheered with all of the little kids and their mommys. Then a bunch of people walking by were swayed by our cheers to also ride the Swings. The power of choral cheers,  you know?
  • We also stood in line for quite a while waiting for Musik Express (which was previously supposed to be closed for the whole day) to be cleaned and tested.

WE HAD NOAH’S ARK TO OURSELVES.

• We did eventually get back on Phantom’s Revenge. Man, this baby was running SO GOOD, and then right after it rained? Wow. Anyway, we were in line for the back as per usual when I noticed that the Bitch Eating Crackers was also in line with her Kids Eating Crackers. “Look,” I whispered* to Chooch. “There’s that bitch from the Parkside Cafe who—” when she looked at me and said, “Do yinz want to get in front of us?” and I finished my sentence by saying, “Oh wow, yes, thank you so much!” We took the spot in front of them and Chooch looked at me and said, “Wow, right after you called her a bitch.”
  • *I always wonder if my whispering is loud, tho.

UM IS THAT A SEATBELT FLYING IN THE AIR OMG LOL

• I will literally never stop going to Kennywood as long Phantom is there.
  • Here’s an entire post about just one of the rides we had on Phantom that day.

• They redid Garfield’s Nightmare so it’s more like how it used to be….kind of? Chooch was mad and wants them to bring back Garfield but that’s just because he’s from a generation that only knows this ride as Garfield’s Nightmare. I thought they were restoring it to the original Haunted Hideaway but they just gave it like, a modern update. I dunno, but they gave it a confusing storyline and I wasn’t sure what was going on.

• Oh! We rode Steel Curtain again later in the day because the line was very short, like maybe 20 minutes, and of course the eccentric old man in front of me turned and started jawing off to me about how it’s his favorite ride in the park and he’s ridden it over 300 times and he’s aiming for 500 and blah blah blah. I was trying very hard to be conversational with him but it was hard because, and I swear I’m not exaggerating for the sake of being a mean girl, but he only had one bottom tooth and it was so hard to understand him. Then he turned back around and Chooch said, “That’s totally not blood on his shirt though, right.” OMG I THINK MAYBE IT WAS??? Anyway, the ride operators totally knew him and called out to him by his name and I felt kind of cool since I was standing next to him. LOOK I AM HARD-UP FOR ATTENTION and even second hand attention by a 20-year-old ride operator at Kennywood is something for me to write about it in my diary.
• Over a week later and I still regret my decision to choose Millie’s over Golden Nugget. I will never let that happen again, if you take me back, Golden Nugget. Please say you will take me back.
• My Sharona was playing at one point as we were walking around and Chooch asked, “Oh, is this the actual song? I thought it was the Weird Al version at first and thought it was weird that they would play that here” and I admitted that I not only forgot that Weird Al did a parody of that song, but that I forgot he existed in general. Then later that night, I had regular TV on for some reason in the background and THIS HAPPENED:

Well, that’ll do it. Kennywood was annoying but also fun. I still hate Thomas Town even though I went through a HEAVY Thomas the Tank Engine phase in high school and signed yearbooks with a Thomas stamp (don’t ask) and I hate Steelers Country and all the missing FLAT RIDES and fuck Johnny Rockets and Millie’s, but one ride on Phantom’s Revenge can make me forget it all.

Remember Wordless Wednesday?? Probably not. It was a “thing” in the blogosphere (yep, I really just used that word) way back when people still actually read blogs. Anyway, let’s pretend that this still exists because I have really no words, what with the depressing/horrifying/are you kidding me state of the world. So today I will share some songs that have been carrying through. Sorry, I’m still predominantly into Korean music so x-out now if you’re not interested!

1. Maniac – NCT U (Doyoung & Haechan)

Big props to my pal Veronica for the heads up about this one, it somehow completely fell under my radar, which is surprising because Haechan is my NCT bias! Veronica pointed out that it has Debarge and Doobie Brothers (“What a Fool Believes”) vibes and I totally get that too – it’s the horns! I’d even go as far as to say that it has some 1980s Genesis flavor too. I’ve listened to it on repeat for like a full hour today. OK I’m listening to this again right now and I started crying because it makes me feel so happy.

luv u haechan!

2. Low Low – Ten & YangYang

Boiiii you know I love me some Ten, and I am so happy that SM is giving him so much to do lately!

3. Nakka – AKMU (ft. IU)

Can AKMU do anything wrong? They’re genius siblings, IFSTG. Plus, the addition of IU just raises this song even higher. I love it so much. (JANNA DOES TOO, in case you were wondering, “yeah, but does JANNA like it?”)

4. Lilac – IU

I mean, speaking of IU…

 5. Hula Hoops – DPR Live (ft. Beenzino & Hwasa)

This song has been in my head for a solid week! My fave kpop aerobics guy has a routine for this song and it’s so much fun, I love him and this song. Also, I wish I looked as fierce as Hwasa does by literally doing nothing. She’s a goddess. Also this reminds me that I wanted to buy weighted hula hoops for EXERCISE so catch me later online investigating that fitness rabbit hole.

6. You Can’t Sit With Us – Sunmi

THE QUEEN IS BACK. Sunmi is incapable of recording bad songs. This is my current anthem. I would like to sing it to lots of people. You can’t sit with us, fuck off, I hate you.

7. I Know I Love You – TXT (ft. Seori) 

TXT reminds me of when BTS was still good. I love this song namu namu namu much.

8. Hold On Me – Nam Woo Hyun (ft. Junoflo)

This song makes me want to run through my neighborhood in the rain. Actually, it’s raining now, so….

BONUS SONG: In honor of MY KING G-Dragon’s birthday today, we gotta end it with a GD jam!

OK, there were some words, sorry.

Ugh, I have been trying to drag this out for as long as possible, but sadly (though happily for anyone still coming back to this thing), we’ve arrived at the last day of the vacation thing.

Henry and I woke up early again and went for one last walk. I wanted especially to get a picture by the WILDWOODS sign when it wasn’t overly crowded and it turns out that 7am is a good time to accomplish this though even then we had to hang back a bit and wait for other people to have their chance. Um, I know that this concrete beach ball is barely even that high off the ground but my heart was PALPITATING. I had to call upon my inner Suni Lee for some balance inspo.

#TOKYOOLYMPICS2020 #NEVERFORGET #WATCHEDITINEVERYHOTELWESTAYEDAT

But on the real though, I will always associate the Olympics with this vacation now!

I think I already mentioned this in my BIRTHDAY POST but some grandma was pushing a grandbaby in a stroller when we were doing our dumb photoshoot and she was adamant about taking a picture of the both of us but it was really awful and she cut a ton of the sign out, lol.  I preferred to be as far back as possible so as not to ruin the picture with my cringe.

I was starving when we got back to the room so we woke up SURLY CHOOCH and made him get ready for breakfast. He actually remembered to say Happy Birthday so that was cool. You would think I would have wanted to go somewhere to have a big fancy birthday morning meal but no – I was dying to eat at the restaurant below the OLYMPIC BEACH RESORT or whatever the Olympic is called now. So, just basic diner-ish food but I was cool with that, just for the chance to be THAT MUCH CLOSER to the inside of the OLYMPIC.

Henry was really over this whole OLYMPIC thing by now. And I don’t think Chooch even realized what was happening.

YESSSS.

I had French toast because it was my birthday. It was OK! I was just happy to be eating said French toast IN THE OLYMPIC. And the hostess thanked us profusely for coming in so I thought we were real VIPs for a second until she said the same shit to people who came in after us. :(

Afterward, I started to harass Chooch for coming to the beach and then…not going to the beach.

“I didn’t come to the beach,” he mumbled. “I was brought to the beach.”

WOW OH WOW JUST WOW, we are such sinister parents. Can you believe the GULL we must have, dragging this poor, precious boy to the JERSEY SHORE against his will? I know I’d rather be sitting in my dark bedroom playing MINECRAFT or whatever with internet friends.

“OK Bobby,” I said cheerfully, “take off your shoes, we’re going to the beach while your FATHER packs.”

Speaking of Back to the Beach (literally  try to reference this as much as possible IN THE REAL LIFE), when we were on the boardwalk, there was a picture of a young Frankie Avalon getting ice cream at Kohr Bros and Chooch grumpily muttered, “I don’t even know who that is.”

“IT’S FRANKIE AVALON,” I cried. “FROM BACK TO THE BEACH!” I bet he really wants that movie to be what he’s remembered for, lol. But I was a kid when that came out and literally had no idea who he was, just that PEE WEE HERMAN was in this movie and I had to see it, oh my god, so my Aunt Sharon took me to the theater, neither of us having any idea what the actual movie was about, and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since. I recorded the song that the cast sings at the end with the microphone of my old ass Fisher Price tape recorder, memorializing it on my first ever mixed tape (it was translucent yellow with a rainbow on the corner!) when I was in grade school. That tape will always live on in my heart.

(I also taped “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell from the TV at my Pappap’s house using the same method and I thought I was a fucking genius, probably.

Anyway. The beach. We went to there. I think Chooch had regERTZ for not actually wanting to spend more time there sooner but oh well, maybe listen to MOMMY next time, she knows best.

Chooch: who cares about the beach

Also Chooch: *compulsively makes a mess in the sand like a toddler*

Ugh, then we checked out around 10:30 (I will actually admit that the GOLD CREST was OK even though it wasn’t THE OLYMPIC and that maybe I would stay there again only because I don’t want Henry crapping on my good childhood memories and traditions with his dumb snoring and blank T-shirts or whatever.) From there, we drove to Six Flags Great Adventure, which was only about an hour away and look, I know I said that we had nixed this from the original itinerary because El Toro is closed for the season and then the brand new RMC single-rail – Jersey Devil – went down for maintenance, but listen Linda: the Jersey Devil ended up opening up again and I wanted to ride a fine-ass RMC on my motherfucking birthday, OK?

I figured it would be crowned, but it would be worth it to me to just go there, ride the damn thing, and then leave.

Also, I kept waking up throughout the night because the TV was playing commercials for Jersey Devil literally all night long. Like it was an omen.

LOL, but then we got there and it was CLOSED. And so was Nitro, the third most anticipated coaster I wanted to ride. So basically, the park’s top three (not even exaggerating, these are legitimately the park’s premier attractions) coasters were DOWN that day, which meant that even though it actually wasn’t that crowded, everyone was funneling into the other lines so some of the coasters had two-hour waits.

So that was a big let down, but I will say one thing: the atmosphere here was the best of the three Six Flags I’ve been to (well, four if you count that now-defunct Geauga Lake one in Ohio that Henry and I tried to have “a date” at in the salad days of our relationship lol. Ugh.

I mean, it’s not the Wildwood boardwalk, that’s for sure!

Anyway, I was super sulky and pouty about my shitty birthday luck (but at least we didn’t pay to get in!), so I just wanted to leave right away after finding out the bad news. But Chooch was all, “Can we just, I dunno, mosey on over to Kingda Ka, just to see?”

That was definitely my LEAST ANTICIPATED coaster of the whole park because I hate hate hate Top Thrill Dragster and this one is even higher (it’s actually the launch that I hate because it’s honestly so unnecessary, no one should ever want to feel like that). But fuck fuck fuck, the wait time was only about 30 minutes so I let him drag me on it and we got the back row and I honestly had a hard time walking after that; my legs were made of Jell-o.

You can see that piece of shit in the background  – that big tall dumb looking thing. It’s a strata coaster, so it’s over 400 feet high. I just hate it. I hate sitting there waiting for it to launch, it’s like waiting for a death sentence.

But in the forefront is EL TORO. It had a pretty terrible maintenance issue / accident in June when the back car of one of the trains partially derailed (no one was hurt). It happened early on in the ride so a shit ton of the track got busted from the derailed wheels scraping along the course. Needless to say, this bad boy is going to be down for a while and I’m gutted because this is such a bucket list coaster for me, and I’ll tell you why: it’s the closest thing to my beloved T-Express in South Korea’s Everland that I will ever get to until I go back to Korea one day. T-Express completely shattered my idea of what a roller-coaster – especially a wooden one – could accomplish. I just never really cared that much about coasters when we went to parks – I would ride them, but I was always on the prowl for crazy flat rides and unique dark rides. I mean, I was a card-carrying member of the Dark Ride & Funhouse Enthusiasts club, lest you forget.

The T-Express is an Intamin pre-fab coaster and it broke records when it was constructed. Then Intamin (with the help of RMC!!! DREAMTEAM) built El Toro several years later and EVERYONE gushes about El Toro. It’s in so many enthusiasts’ Top 10 and I am so sad that I will likely have to wait another year before finally experiencing it. The silver lining to this is that some of the coaster YouTubers I watch say that this coaster was running pretty rough and slowly over the last few years and that getting retracked is probably the best thing that could happen so HERE IS HOPING.

Other things we managed to ride that didn’t have terribly long lines:

• Runaway Mine Train thing (so fucking rough and awful but that part of the park was very pretty)
• The Joker, pictured above: Chooch’s and my first 4D free spin and it was not great and the line moved so slowly. I’ll take the good old, tried and true Zipper over this any day.
• Harley Quinn’s Crazy Train or something, which was a surprisingly fun family coaster.
• Skull Mountain – a really fucking shitty indoor wild mouse type coaster that had next to no theming and was basically just a half-dark warehouse with like, junk laying around.
• Hall of Justice League – super long wait for a shooting ride, but the video they had playing during it was actually pretty entertaining even though I do not care about DC comic superhero stuff at all, and the ride itself was SHOCKINGLY fun for a shooting ride, which I usually hate.

Standing in line for Skull Mountain and having no idea how let down we were about to be, lol. Also, if you were following along on my birthday week adventures, you may recall that Chooch started repeating his t-shirts and that’s because we stupidly let him pack for himself and he thought we were only going to be gone “until Monday.” Luckily, he had some extra shirts but Henry to go to a Dollar General on our first day in Wildwood to buy him socks and underwear lol.

We left Six Flags around 3 or 4 (and I got yelled at by a custodian cleaning up puke by the exit for trying to go around him, which seemed on par for this lame birthday) because we were driving home that same day (WHO PLANNED A TRAVEL DAY ON MY BIRTHDAY, HENRY) and didn’t want to get home at like 3am. The drive was super boring and full of me being a big crybaby because nothing is ever good enough for Princess Erin. There is some additional stuff in this post that I wrote in the car when I was pointedly ignoring Henry. We got home around 1am and the cats didn’t even care because they hung out with my mom all week so they didn’t miss at all.

And I have been floating in post-vacation depression ever since.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, BYE.

Last week, Cedar Point announced that Wicked Twister (otherwise affectionately known as Spaghetti Noodle if you live in my Oh Honestly house) would be retired this season, with the last cycles happening on Labor Day. At first I took solace in the fact that Chooch and I got to ride it twice in June because we do truly enjoy this strange coaster. But then I looked at Henry and said, “I mean, we could go this Sunday and just ride Spaghetti Noodle and leave DOT DOT DOT.”

Henry sighed and of course eventually agreed. Thank god for those Cedar Fair passes though because otherwise that would have been an expensive farewell to Spaghetti Noodle.

Anyway, that’s what we did today. We left the house around 6am in order to get to the park before 9am for early entry so we could at least get a ride on SteVe while we were there.

Of course half of early entry was spent watching SteVe being tested but I’d rather wait in line for 45 minutes than 150 minutes during regular park hours that’s for sure.

Henry opted to use his early entry time on Maverick instead and for some reason this was a Big Deal to Chooch and me because it’s funny to think of Henry going off and doing his own shit at a theme park. You know?

Just really funny.

Henry’s Big Early Entry.

Then Chooch and I got in a mild argument because he said he doesn’t really think SteVe is that worth it, and ow my heart. We are truly a house divided: he’s cuckoo for B&M gigas while my heart lies with RMC hyper hybrids.

I am seriously beholden to those Rocky Mountain Construction beasts. If Kennywood got an RMC, watch me get a season pass.

Anyway.

We managed to get on before the FAST LANE people made their mad stampede into the queue and that in and of itself felt like a huge win.

Then we reconvened with Henry and made our way to Millennium Force just in time for the park to open up to the GP and honestly after that, almost everything had between a 90-120 minute wait but we expected that since it’s a Sunday in August.

I had to bat my eyelashes at the ride attendant because he was assigning seats on Millie and I really wanted the back. He hesitated and I whined, “Puh-lease?” and he sighed and said, “ok go ahead.” Henry rolled his eyes but I was like THANK GOD I CAN STILL SOMETIMES WIN BOYS OVER.

Millie was nice. She is not my favorite giga but I do really enjoy that view of Lake Erie from the lift hill. It’s weird but I think I actually prefer hypers over gigas.

YOU CARE.

Then it was time for Spaghetti Noodle! Henry promised that he would actually ride it for once (and last).

Here’s me being said it’s my last ride on it and Henry not caring (chooch was too busy texting to get in the picture):

Usually this bitch is a station wait but since CP announced that it’s getting rid of it, people suddenly care about riding it so we had to wait a whole ass 30 minutes. Where were you people before??

I know it’s not a world-class ride that’s going to bring people to CP, but man, I truly do enjoy it!

Afterward, Henry said he could take it or leave it. “Well, I think it’s exhilarating!” I enthused.

“You’re exhilarating,” Henry said and I noted a pinch of sarcasm.

“Yeah I know, you’re not the first person to say that about me.”

“I bet,” he muttered.

For some inexplicable reason, Chooch’s season pass account received a free Fast Lane Plus to use on any one ride, so he chose to use it on Top Thrill Dragster; while that was happening, Henry and I pretended like we were on a date (lol no) and rode Gemini. Henry hates Gemini because the last time we rode it, the lap bar fell down as he was getting in the seat and he tripped and hurt his poor leggie awwwww. But I begged him to ride it with me today and he was all GODDAMNIT YOU OWE ME like he hasn’t been saying that to me for the last 20 years hahaha.

I’m sorry, but I think this is a fine ride. I screamed and laughed through the whole thing and yelled at Henry when he refused to slap hands with the people on the other train as they passed us because he “didn’t want to touch people’s dirty hands” and ok fine I guess I will give him a pass because it’s a pandemic still but show some enthusiasm, boy!

I really wanted to get this for Henry but I didn’t have my credit card because I never bring anything other than my phone to amusement parks, and Henry was in the Sweet Spot buying cookies at the time OH WELL.

(I kind of wish I had gone back and bought it for myself though because that design is rad.)

I know that I shouldn’t still be concerned with Bosco Sticks now that I know it was CHEESE ON A STICK that Carrie said is her favorite Cedar Point treat, but my stubborn side has me determined to eat a fucking Bosco Stick inside Cedar Point now. This time it was actually opened so I thought WOW THIS IS HAPPENING ITS REALLY HAPPENING. REALLY. REALLY REALLY.

Oh except that THEY DIDN’T HAVE ANY. Come on Cedar Point! You can order that shit from Amazon. There is no excuse for this Bosco Stick deficit!

It was around 2pm at this point and that’s when we loosely decided we were staying til, and having accomplished all we came to do in several hours, I think we all felt that we were ready to leave. It was a good day, actually! I got a SteVe coffee cup and then stared dreamily at him for a bit before I determined that I was definitely ready to go. Please enjoy some photos of this bad ass big boy.

Oh PS before we left, Henry had to buy cookies and when we were leaving the Candy place, some elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair was trying to get out so I opened the door for her.

“Wow. Did she have a cat or a squirrel on her lap? She must have for you to actually help a human,” Henry the Comic said. Wow he’s so funny. Catch his next act tonight at the garbage dump after I drop off his body.

Then immediately after this some guy practically thrusted his phone at me and asked me in a very THIS IS NOT UP FOR NEGOTIATION tone to take a picture of him and his family. I mean, I did it but man…that was too much Peopling for me in a very short span of time. I was definitely ready to leave after that!

After we left, we went back to that Big Ed’s Soda Shop in Vermilion where we ate last time. That place is so quaint.

My dad would probably go into conniptions if he ever came here. He LOVES old shit.

Well, now we’re about an hour and a half away from home so I’m going to go and make Henry talk about coasters while Chooch ignores us from the backseat.

(Proof that he was with us today lol.)

Thursday, aka Birthday Eve, was supposed to be our “relaxing day” where we didn’t have to drive for hours just to spend even more additional hours in a blacktop jungle surrounded by coasters with massive lines. We started the day off by rising and shining for an early AM walk on the beach. And by “we” I certainly only mean Henry and me because Surly Teen could not be stirred from his deep seaside slumber.

Wow. What a vision. Grumpy with a side of Get Off My Lawn.

As I said before, we’re not beach people in the sense that we’d ever be content with lugging chairs & towels & umbrellas, and whatever other beachy accouterment comes with the territory but I do enjoy walking along the water. Same with rivers and lakes – you won’t catch me doggy-paddling inside an innertube, but that wet nature just lures me to it.

Even though I may lose interest rather quickly.

After an invigorating morning stroll, Henry walked over to the OLYMPIC WHICH IS WHERE I STAYED WITH MY FAMILY IN CASE YOU MISSED THE PREVIOUS 87 TIMES I MENTIONED THAT and brought back some coffee and breakfast breadstuffs for us. Then we woke up The Surly One and took a drive over to Cape May because I was obsessed with revisiting it as an adult to see if it was still boring and I’m happy to report back that YES, CAPE MAY IS STILL FOR BORING PEOPLE who enjoy walking very slowly and buying ceramic things.

We drove around for a bit and I was honestly not inspired at all to park and do much of anything else.

“Why did we come here again?” Henry wrenched open his perma-frowned lips long enough to ask.

There was always one day on our vacations when my grandma would INSIST that we go to Cape May. Back then, it always seemed like it was so goddamn far away and I would sulk the whole way there in the backseat, knowing that it was going to one fucking boutique and novelty shop after another, waiting for my grandma to boost the local economy while the rest of us stood on sidewalks staring into space.

One time I bought Mexican jumping beans at some toy store there, and a pair of wooden domino earrings which I wore this one time my grandma took me to play BINGO. (The only time she took me to play BINGO lol.) That was the only semi-positive memory I have of this place. I think this is where we took a dolphin-watching boat tour one summer too and even in that picture, I look like I belong on the cover of a straight-to-VHS Firestarter sequel.

Anyway, what a boring drive. Congratulations Henry: you somehow made Cape May even more boring than my grandma did.

Came back to the GOLD CREST – DID I MENTION WE DIDN’T STAY AT THE OLYMPIC. Henry and Chooch “played ping pong” briefly before we walked to lunch. Quite possibly the shortest game of ping pong that ever pinged and ponged.

Shit I already forget the name of this place. Sea Side Diner or something? It was on the way to the boardwalk which is where we were heading after lunch. Henry thought our waitress was rude (she was just young) and Chooch was like WHY DON’T YOU TELL HER TO SMILE MORE but then he had to jump to clarify that he was joking because sometimes Henry is dumb.

Anyway, here is a series of pictures of Henry eating, courtesy of Chooch:

We almost matched, I hate when that happens.

Not me looking the most uncomfortable.

After lunch, we went back to the boardwalk because we promised Chooch that we’d play stupid mini golf.

I actually used to love mini golf when I was younger but lately, I do not have the patience or attention span for it. I get so bored when it’s not my turn! However, Henry was doing horribly for some reason so now that he was losing, I was suddenly inspired to give it my all.

He hit the ball way out of bounds at one point which is VERY OUT OF CHARACTER for him, and Chooch and I are usually the ones co-opting the Happy Gilmore title. Chooch and I had to do our patented pee-squat because we were laughing to the point of pee-drops as usual. Henry losing? LOVE TO SEE IT.

Then we went to MISTER SOFTEE which I had become obsessed with the day before when I learned that they had a Fruity Pebbles thing so I had tunnel vision after that and would not consider any other ice cream establishment. But then once we were there, my obsession spread to encompass the entire vibe of the place, which I would later go back to the room at the GOLD CREST, YOU ALREADY KNOW to write about it on the same day because I was that stupid-excited. 

Of course right as we were walking over to it, three old broads swooped in like septuagenarian sea gulls from the left and cut us off, so now we had to wait for the Granny Brigade to fuck around with their reading glasses and CHANGE PURSES.

“God, go back to Cape May,” I mumbled under my breath, and Henry, having just experienced the drowsiness of that place that very morning, actually laughed.

Henry, like, never laughs at anything I say. Well, I mean, NO ONE does but you’d expect your life partner to toss you a rewarding chuck, gig, or chort every now and then.

Then we gave Surly Son a wad of cash for the arcade and went off to buy souvenirs. I mean, maybe I’d have hated Cape May a little less if my grandma had had the same courtesy, YOU KNOW. I’m sure there was a Pac Man machine somewhere in Cape May.

A really strange thing happened though. As Henry and I were walking along the boardwalk, there was a family below us riding bikes on a sidewalk. A little boy was screaming his sister’s name over and over, and the mom was like, “OK WYANT STOP YELLING YOUR SISTER’S NAME.”

So I sneered, “Yeah, Wyant, you dumb bitch.” Because that’s the kind of sweetheart I am when it comes to stranger children. But then in my head I thought, “What an uncommon name for a kid,” you know? You don’t really run into many Wyant’s these days. And then also in my head I started repeating the name of the girl he was screaming. And suddenly, I was like, “OMG IS THIS WESTLEY’S FAMILY.” Because there is a neighborhood kid that Chooch used to hang out with when he was still at his old school and I remember thinking it was funny that the boys in the family all had names that started with a W (there’s an older son too who has a W-name), but then the youngest is a girl who does not have a W-name. I knew for sure that the two younger boys are Wyant and Westley because how do you forget those names, but I texted Chooch and asked him what Westley’s sister’s name is AND HE CONFIRMED THAT IT WAS THE NAME THE LITTLE BOY WAS SHOUTING AND WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT THIS COULD HAVE BEEN ANY OTHER FAMILY WITH KIDS NAMED WESTLEY, WYANT AND GEORGIE.

So I was like, “Congrats, they’re here in Wildwood” and of course Chooch was like, “WTF” because he and Westley ARE NOT BROS ANYMORE. And honestly,  thank god because I was lowkey jealous of the mom who apparently was a REAL MOM who was always baking cookies, dusting, feeding Chooch grilled cheese, etc etc. I got such a complex about her that I flipped out one day and accused him of wishing she was his mom so that year for Mother’s Day, he gave me a card that said “P.S. Fuck westley’s mom.”

AW.

Seriously though, I eventually met her at some school function and she seemed really nice. But apparently, Wesley turned into a jerk so Chooch is no longer friends with him and that’s probably for the best because they had a Trump flag in their yard last year.

So.

(Also I changed their names slightly lest I get in trouble for this blog again.)

I’m a sucker for good signage.

You know, I have never actually been on the tram car! At least, not that I can remember.

Chooch and I only did the rides on Wednesday, but Henry still had his ticket card so our plan was to hang out on the boardwalk until it got dark, put some credits on the card and take the Great White for a spin at night. Until then, we just enjoyed our time shopping for souvenirs and taffy and letting Chooch suck our wallets dry like the money-hungry arcade vampire that he is.

I just couldn’t get enough of this lighting package!

Chooch had pre-decided the day before that he would be dining on Hot Spot mozzarella stick pizza for dinner, so we sat with him while he ate and then went and got our own slices at Mack’s.

I don’t remember if we ever ate here when I was a kid, but I watched enough YouTube videos to understand that Mack’s is a big favorite among the Wildwood purists, so we definitely wanted to form our own opinions through mastication.

Um, yes. Yes, this was some good-ass motherfucking pizza, friends. I got a slice of plain (ONLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T SEE THE OPTION FOR BLACK OLIVES UNTIL AFTER FML) and one slice of white, and I can honestly tell you that Mack’s was the best slice of white pizza (NOT PICTURED) that this dirty mouth of mine ever did meet. Boardwalk pizza is so fucking good and I would actually be surprised if I found a slice anywhere there that I didn’t like, to be quite frank, and my new goal is to go back there next summer and try them all.

I’m a THIN CRUST bitch.

We were walking past this one arcade when I noticed that there was a sign in the back that said FASCINATION and Chooch loves that game. So we went inside and it turns out it was some vintage arcade and so goddamn cool.

Also, I’m not saying this is a sign or anything, but clearly, I am living in the past with my obsession with the Olympic Motor Inn and have name-dropped it 234679827 times during this vacation recap (actually, now that I think about it, I even have some old pictures of it that I posted some time ago on here!), the summer Olympics were on-going while we were here so we ended every night with watching the latest from Tokyo in whatever hotel room we happened to be in that day, and then I just noticed that the Fascination sign has an OLYMPIC FLAME on it.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

I say this all the time but motherfuck, I wish there were word lotteries.

I would really like one or 5 of those chairs, please.

Oh, let’s talk about “It” some more, you say? I wish I could put this in my backyard.

Actually…one would fit quite nicely in my mom’s yard…

I think the worst (and only bad) moment of the day was when Henry and I were walking along and suddenly we heard, “*THUMP THUMP THUMP* what’s up guys?” as Chooch came casually striding up to us with the stupid ass basketball he traded his tickets in for.

“Yay,” Henry deadpanned. “A $60 basketball.”

Ugh, he’s always trying to win basketballs.

The sun had finally set so Chooch and I got our back row night ride on The Great White, and while waiting in the station I heard the previously mentioned Bush and Fuel song’s of my 90s past and wow. I literally could not have asked for a better end to a wonderful (don’t get too excited Cape May, I’m just pretending like you didn’t happen that day) Thursday.

On the walk back to, well, you know where, little pebbles were scattering around Henry’s feet. After finally reaching his limit, Henry spun around and yelled, “STOP KICKING ROCKS AT ME!” to Chooch the Pest, who calmly corrected, “I’m THROWING them at you, actually.”

Chooch and I went to Kennywood on Tuesday, which I will recap with way too many words sometime soon, OH DON’T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT, but until then, here’s the latest dumb on-ride souvenir picture that I deemed a must-purchase because memories, etc etc.

So, it was our third or fourth ride on Phantom’s Revenge that day. We were in the backseat as usual – I can’t remember the last time I sat anywhere other than the back or very first row on this daddy, now that I think about it…this is the EPITOME of back-row coaster for us, but we also like night rides in the front. There, now you know. Everything seemed regular until we began our ascent up the lift hill and the lady in front of me did one quick flick and shake of her hair, and suddenly the majority of her mane had encroached on my personal space. Her Disney Damsel locks were so incredibly long that they were straight up grazing my thighs.

I had no idea what to do. Gather her hair into a bushel and dump it back into her own seat?? I made a THE FUCK?? motion with my hands to Chooch, who started cracking up while watching the ends of her hair lap against my legs. I took off the hair elastic from my wrist and pantomimed wrapping it around her hair, which made Chooch crack up even harder. I kept trying to scooch back in my seat but there was no escaping this modern day Crystal Gale.

But then suddenly we had crested the top of the lift hill without me even realizing it, and as the train dropped, her hair came up like a sheet, crashing against my face. I kept my mouth clamped shut for fear of inhaling any tendrils which were now flying around my face willy-nilly like hair noodles. Out of instinct, I put my arms up in the air, as one does on rollercoasters, but my fingers became ensnared in her follicular garden and the thought of Stranger Strands coiling around my hands made me want to fucking die. Hair is so….INTIMATE. I did not want to have any sort of RELATIONS with this broad, especially behind her back.

Literally!

The frizz flagellation was relentless. The way this ginger sheath was whipping and slapping against my face, I felt like Cinderella being bitch-slapped by a mop, like a car going through a car wash, like a wall being pelted by cooked pasta.

And Chooch never stopped laughing at my…wigging out.

Eventually, I had to cover my face with my hands to protect myself from any additional lock lashings.

And my plight was captured on film for posterity.

Of course, I had to buy it at that point because even though the idea of having that much extended contact with some broad’s hair is utterly disgusting to me and is actually making me dry-heave days later as I relive it through this writing, my pain was so hilarious to Chooch that it became funny to me too.

One confused look from the Kennywood photo cashier and $15 later, here we are.

I sent it to my brother Corey who scream-texted, “WHAT IF SHE HAS LICE” which added new layers to my horror. But then he said that it was almost as good as THE best Kennywood on-ride picture ever of Janna and the deodorant model. I still think my favorite is THE INFAMOUS GIGGLE PICTURE.

But can we talk about how the other girl is sitting like this is her senior picture? HOW DOES SHE LOOK SO CALM AND COLLECTED ON THE PHANTOM’S REVENGE? This is some kind of fucking sorcery.

We capped off our first night in Wildwood by closing down the boardwalk. I definitely don’t think we ever did this when I was a kid! I know whenever I say that I’m just going to do a photo dump, I always end up pairing it with 2000 words but I swear I’m going to try and be chill about this. Like, let’s look at some night time pics from a cool ass boardwalk, no big deal.

We have barely been able to enjoy any amusement parks at night this summer, what with how early most places have been closing lately. I guess because of staffing issues. But it really sucks because we live for night rides on coasters! And really just the overall ambiance and bright lights, so it was AMAZING to be here at night. I just wanted to stuff my entire surroundings in a snow globe to keep FOREVER and I do mean that in the creepiest way possible.

I hope I never grow tired of the Musik Express! I love when they also go backward, and this one did! The one at Kennywood doesn’t (at least it didn’t when we were there on Tuesday and now I can’t remember if it ever has!) and that’s lame AF, TBQH.

THE VIBES.

Chooch tries to avoid the camera now and I pretty much fucking hate that. I told him it’s his obligation to pose for pictures since I brought him into this world and I have every parental right to take pictures of him, whether he’s mid-bite of a veggie burger or riding on the fucking Tilt-a-Whirl, say cheese mothercheffer.

Can you tell I was a little obsessed with The Hot Spot??

I wish I knew what happened to Hot Spot B.

Chooch spotting the mozzarella stick pizza which he would (SPOILER ALERT) have for dinner the next day.

‘It’ was the last ride we rode that night, right as everything was shutting down. It was exhilarating! Like my beloved CLAW from the Butler County Fair, but much more scenic and that LIGHTING PACKAGE, oh my lord, I want my house to light up like that (so do my neighbors, I bet).

Chooch should just get a job there.

I’d have grabbed a veggie wiener if they had one.

We got some Curley’s fries before heading out. I’m kicking myself for being so vehement about my dislike of crinkle-cut fries when we were hanging out in Cincinnati with Christina and Katie in July because I have since had NOT ONE BUT TWO great orders of curly fries (one was that very same day, like less than hour after I turned my nose up at the very mention of them lol). Actually, we only stopped here because cry baby Chooch was whining about wanting lemonade and then Henry had the audacity to order fries for himself without consulting with us!

We showed him though because after he came strutting over with “his” fries, I incredulously asked, “Wait, you didn’t get any special sauce?!” So while he was dejectedly ordering a $2.50 tiny container of whatever the special sauce was because god forbid I should just use ketchup after I had already seen SPECIAL SAUCE on the window (I can’t remember what it was called now), Chooch and I scarfed nearly the whole cup of fries. And then when Henry came back and started complaining, we were like, “Well, you should have ordered the bigger size I guess.”

I took this on the way out: LOOK AT THE MOON BEHIND GREAT WHITE.

I almost had over 30,000 steps that day but we didn’t get back to the hotel until after midnight so my stupid Fitbit stopped at 28,000ish for Wednesday and then put the remainder on Thursday, ugh. LOL, what a dumb thing to “ugh” about. But yeah, we went back to the GOLD CREST NOT THE OLYMPIC BECAUSE HENRY IS NOT MY PAPPAP and crashed. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep immediately after getting into bed, worn out probably mostly from all the crying and temper-tantruming I did earlier that day OH THE TRIALS & TRIBS OF ERIN RACHELLE.

I WAS SO STOKED FOR MOREY’S PIERS!! Also, I was super worried that it wouldn’t be a magical as it was when I was a kid and obviously I expected that it wasn’t going to be same because a shit ton of rides are gone (RIP Castle Dracula and Keystone Kops). But it still felt the same in my heart, you guys. It still felt the same. I am crying right now.

This bad boy, The Great White, was built several years after my last visit but honestly it looks like it has been there forever. I was so excited to ride this later!

We started out on Mariner’s Landing, because the other two piers don’t start running their rides until 5pm. Our main focus was to knock out all the coasters while it was still pretty uncrowded to ensure that Chooch would get all  the creds. Luckily, everything was running that day!

LOL our first ride, a stupid SBF Visa spinner. These things are pretty terrible but this one was good because….Wildwood, and also because the ride operator was 1000000% more animated than the one who was running it at Waldameer, PLUS Duran Duran’s “Rio” was playing and the day was beautiful and the ocean was RIGHT THERE and the sea gulls were so cute and everything was fucking perfect.

Actually, let me take a minute here to gush over the impeccable music selection of Morey’s Piers. It was ALL 80s, and not bullshit 80s either, but fucking Depeche Mode, the aforementioned Duran Duran, ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN, Talk Talk (their original version of “It’s My Life” and not the shitty No Doubt cover!!). Two fucking Cure songs!! “Boys Don’t Cry” played when Chooch and I were in the station for the Great Nor’easter, and then later that day, “Friday I’m In Love” was playing as our train was being loaded on The Great White, which was located on a pier that was playing primarily 90s music.

The next night, as Chooch waited in line for a coveted back row night ride on this bad boy, Bush’s “Chemicals Between Us” and Fuel’s “Shimmer” came on and I was nearly openly weeping.

Especially because I had just recently fallen down the Bush nostalgia spiral thanks to the Fear Street movies.

And that Fuel song. Oh god, that Fuel song. That was like my Summer of 1998 but make it a song so that I can lose my mind and cry every time I hear it for the rest of my life while also feeling the uncontrollable need to scream the lyrics until my voice gives out.

And at one point during the day, I am not kidding, Henry and I were walking to the gift shop when suddenly (or, my favorite Korean word: 갑자기) the opening drone of my beloved rollerskating jam, HEART AND SOUL BY T’PAU, sizzled down from the heavens. I grabbed Henry’s arm dramatically and yelled, “STOP. WAIT!” And then pointed up at the sky. When it was clear that Henry had no idea what was going on, I hissed impatiently, “THE SONG?!”

I am 100% sure that he still had no idea what was going on because the song hadn’t even yet fully kicked on and also it was buffeted by screaming sea gulls, the motors of rides in motion, people laughing, modern day boardwalk carnies on loud speakers reeling people in with false promises…my ears are actually super human when it comes to detecting a song beneath layers of miscellaneous cacophony. Henry can never hear the music over the din of talking and silverware scraping plates in restaurants, but I am always ready to scream, “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SONG IS PLAYING.”

Anyway, this Heart and Soul was playing and I had to make Henry sit down a bench with me while I listened to it because I was so obsessed with this jam as a kid that for two years in a row it was my “birthday party song request” at the VIP Roller Rink. It was also one of the first records I bought at National Record Mart and I remember so vividly not knowing who sang it so whoever took me to the mall, probably my mom – I guess I’m not remembering this as vividly as I initially boasted lol – told me to go ask someone to help me so there I was, some idiot elementary school kid probably wearing a corduroy jumper and knee high socks, telling the NRM associate, “I don’t know who sings it but she looks like Tracy Ullmann” BECAUSE I USED TO WATCH THE TRACY ULLMANN SHOW LOL.

It was almost like someone called Morey’s Piers and told them I was coming so that they could play the literal soundtrack to my childhood summers in Wildwood.

Phew. OK now that I got that out of my system, let’s look at some pictures of rides!

Rollie’s Coaster was Chooch’s second credit at Morey’s and it was more fun than we expected! I loved the vintage aesthetics.

The infamous Sea Serpent. I was TERRIFIED of this ride as a kid and never did ride it back then. I was actually kind of dreading this even now because it’s a Vekoma boomerang and I hate boomerangs. They’re usually so painful and kind of worthless!

That guy is totally ranting about how BIGBANG has not yet had a post-military comeback in any capacity.

“I MEAN, CAN G-DRAGON PUT DOWN THE NIKES AND PIC UP A MIC??”

Here’s Chooch and me in the fifth row, I look so thrilled, lol.

OK I’m not just saying this because it’s Wildwood but I really think this was the least worst boomerang I’ve been on. It was surprisingly smooth, but still terrifying.

Also, I didn’t know this until recently, but the Sea Serpent is the very first Vekoma boomerang built in the US! Did I run back in line as soon as I got off? I mean…no. But it was still really satisfying on some nostalgic level to ride this coaster that looms in the background of so many old Wildwood pictures.

Goddamn. Life was really good in that moment, as simple as that sounds.

Chooch and I rode this seagull pedal ride thingie and it was fun but he was pedaling too fast and I was trying to enjoy the scenery.

We had to stop because an actual seagull was on the track!

View of the Great White from my perch on the suspended seagull.

When Chooch wasn’t being summoned by the arcades, he was cruising the piers for carnival games to play. This was definitely his scene.

Henry the Tight Wad got a ticket card and put enough money on it to ride the carousel and Great White, what a Dad.

LOVE THIS NEW ADDITION TO OUR CAROUSELFIE WALL!

Runaway Tram!

WATCH THE TRAM CAR PLEASE. I can’t believe it’s the same recording as it was in the 80s. I can’t even be annoyed about it.

This ride was just the absolute cutest! I think it only opened very recently, like in 2019 or 2020. It’s an adorable addition.

Oh god, an SLC (suspended looping coaster), another of my “favorites.”

Another major plus for Morey’s Piers is: THE RIDE ATTENDANTS AND OPERATORS ARE FUCKING AMAZING. Like, Disney-levels of enthusiasm. They smile and wave as every ride starts and you can’t help but feel inspired/obligated to wave back. Well, unless you’re Henry. And they have a program where students from other countries can work there so you get to interact with people from all over the world and it’s just really cool.

It’s been a long time since I went to Indiana Beach, but from what I remember, they have a similar situation  there too. I remember talking to various ride operators with Eastern European-sounding accents and thinking that was so odd and cool since we were in some remote part of Indiana.

But yeah, everyone we encountered from the rides to the pizza parlors seemed genuinely happy to be there.

Even their Wild Mouse is adorably-themed!

OK so as mentioned earlier, I really miss the old dark rides that used to be so synonymous with Morey’s Piers (was it even called that back when I was a kid?!? I can’t remember! I do know that they had more piers back then, that’s for sure). There are three there currently, but two are closed for the season (because of covid/staffing, I assume). Dante’s Dungeon was open though and it was so good! From the creepy ride operator in a pagan-ish robe who whispered, “Are you ready?” before sending our car into the dungeon to the person who jump-scared us from the shadows on  the other side, this was a dark ride that would make any purist happy. And if you remember, dark rides are really where my heart lies, not coasters. So when we find a place that has a good coaster collection and dark rides? Henry, hold my phone. Mama’s going in.

The last coaster we needed was Great White and I was so stoked for this!

I love a good wooden coaster, and this one is an actual delight. Plus, it goes off the boardwalk and onto the beach. What more can you ask for in a wooden coaster? Of course we didn’t wait for Henry so Chooch and I rode without him, leaving him waiting in the station, lol. We were dying because he ended up having a riding companion – some equally-as-old dude who talked to him the whole way up the lift hill and Henry told him about the trip we were on. Henry said, “he’s an enthusiast, too” as he regaled us with the detail of their convo, and Chooch and I were like, “BUT DID WE ASK.”

After this highly anticipated ride that did not disappoint, we walked back to the GOLD CREST NOT THE OLYMPIC BUT THAT’S OK to rest for a bit and then came back for some night action.

God, I love reliving this but it’s also making me mucho sad-o.

In an effort to cleanse the eyeballs of rollercoaster-related word overload, here is a round-up of bullets featuring the latest bullshit in my life. Wow, such self-importance.

• Over the weekend, I had this dream where Henry turned out to be some sort of immortal entity, it had something to do with apples like he was an Orchard Overlord or some such bullshit, and therefore told me that we could not be together since I was merely a flesh-sack with an expiration date. I got SUPER hysterical in my dream, could actually feel my heart splintering, and I was following him all around this…ORCHARD?? I JUST REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY AN ORCHARD…begging him to “turn me,” god only know what THAT would entail. Anyway, I woke up Sunday morning and was proceeded to oscillate between extreme clinginess and Tourettes-like barrages of insults which obviously is me flirting. HE PLANNED THIS.
  • It was *almost* as bad as SPOILER ALERT when Mike Delfino was killed on Desperate Housewives and I somehow projected this onto my relationship with Henry and at one point I clung to his legs and pleaded him not to leave the house because I didn’t want him to die. 
• The first weekend we were home After Vacation, I was sitting on the couch reading when suddenly I heard HNC’s wife-thing shouting from her porch, “HNC! COME GET YOUR FRIEND!” and then she was Yinzer-shrieking, “Shoo! Shoo!” Sure enough, I looked outside and saw that BUDDY (my favorite Buddy at that: GIRL Buddy) was sitting in her yard, noshing on a peanut. Literally, HNC’s wife had to call HNC up from the backyard just to have him walk toward Buddy so that she would come back to our yard. Then he proceeded to stand there, shaking his head and staring at her as she helped herself to more peanuts on our porch WHICH SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DO SO. I am so sick of these people taking offense to every little goddamn thing that happens on this block. KINDLY SIT ON A DICK, THANK YOU.
  • who the fuck SHOOS a squirrel, amirite?! Jesus Christ, what a miserable human.
• Hello, some vegan treats we’ve had since we’ve been home are as follows: the pandan horchata of my dreams and tamales from Onion Maiden, and donuts from Valkyrie Donuts. Something about the square shape of them makes them even more fun to me. And they were so fucking delicious! I mean, Henry and Chooch didn’t even wait for me to come into the kitchen before they were already hacking away at them.

• Chooch was cutting the grass the other day (what a shocker, that kid does the bare minimum around here). I was in the house and noticed that there was a loud noise and then silence. Then I hear Wife of HNC say, “DIDYA HIT SOMETHING?” and then a male voice joined in so I looked out the window just in time  to see one of the guys who lives several houses up walking toward our yard with something metal in his hand OH OK IT JUST PART OF THE FUCKING BLADE THAT’S ALL. Whatever Chooch mowed over SNAPPED PART OF THE BLADE OFF and sent it cruising up the block where it struck a telephone pole right next to the neighbor guy, who happened to be working on his car on the street. The sidewalk on our block almost always has pedestrians on it so the fact that no one was there when this happened was so lucky, otherwise it could have been a FINAL DESTINATION scene. Henry Dearest went running outside to pretend like he was there the whole time and hadn’t left his incompetent son unsupervised, and Chooch was like, “Cool I guess that means my lawnmowing privileges’ are revoked, bye.” Meanwhile the neighbor guy was fixated on the fact the blade could have hit a nearby parked BMW, never mind the fact that his fucking head was inches away from becoming a Dario Argento wet dream.
• Olympics thoughts: while I am depressed that they’re over, I think it’s fair to say that they just weren’t the same. I mean, obviously. I miss Michael Phelps SO MUCH and I hated all the negativity toward Simone Biles (but was also pleasantly surprised to see that she was getting just as much support too!). The whole thing was so underwhelming, just like Jade Carey and her mom:

• • • I got super into rhythmic gymnastics this time though  but felt that the Italian team’s routine would have been so much better if they used Goblin’s theme for Suspiria, whoa two Argento references in one post DO I SMELL A MOVIE NIGHT COMING UP?
• I finally chased down that elusive 365 streak on Duolingo after years of being thwarted by time changes or thinking I had a streak saver thing WHEN I DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAVE ONE.  Literally, one time I lost a huge streak because I was ON THE PLANE HOME FROM THE COUNTRY WHOSE LANGUAGE I AM TRYING TO LEARN.

• At least once a week I rant to Henry about how much I hate the song American Pie, like I truly fucking want to punt it straight back up into where it came from: Don McLean’s puckered asshole. The radio station Henry has on in our bedroom plays it so fucking much that I truly hear it about once a day. THAT IS A LOT OF AMERICAN PIE. Was it even played that much back in the day when the choices were slim-pickins?? Anyway, this latest time that I heard it, I felt inspired to smash a dish against my face, but instead I texted, “AND I HATE THAT HE RHYMES DOORSTEP WITH STEP, WHAT LAZY FUCKING SONG-WRITING.” Oh, just fuck off!!!
• MY MISTER SOFTEE SHIRT IS HERE!

• And let’s end on a bright, positive CAT NOTE:

And as always: COOK ON, MOTHERCHEFFERS!

I’ve been so excited to finally get to the Wildwood portion of this trip (in real life, and also in blog life too) because it was hands down the most magical time. I am sure anyone reading this is sick of reading about HOW SENTIMENTAL this place is to me but this place is SO SENTIMENTAL TO ME. Some of my earliest memories are from Wildwood because my family (including my grandparents) used to vacation here every summer. I’m not sure why we stopped, but the last time I was here was in 1991, and it makes me sad because my youngest brother Corey would have only been a bit over a year old and has said that he doesn’t really have any memories of this place.

Henry and I had tossed around the idea of vacationing here in the past but then it never panned out for one reason or another, and honestly, as much as I love this place, I was worried that a full week would be overkill. WE.ARE.NOT.BEACH.PEOPLE. I guess I was as a kid, but the thought of spending all day laying on a beach, for multiple days, just sounds horrific to me. I need action and scenery changes. So we decided for my birthday trip that we would spend two nights there and plan everything else around it.

We left our dumb hotel in Baltimore early Wednesday morning (after I pissed around trying to feed a local Mr. Gray Guy* a peanut and didn’t realize that there was a man sitting next to me in his car the whole time spectating me waving a peanut at a tree) and grabbed breakfast at a nearby Sheetz then proceeded to Wildwood!

*(We keep peanuts in the car now for when we run into squirrels away from home, oh my god, we all need help don’t we?)

Ugh but first we had to stop and get Chooch new shoes because he’s an idiot.

But then suddenly we started seeing signs for Wildwood and I was bugging out bad.

Literally started crying when I saw this.

OK I’m not going to get into this because it’s just me being a negative asshole but I got really angry about the place Henry booked and let’s face it, it’s 100% only because it wasn’t one of the places we used to stay when I was a kid and I was FIXATED on that, as I live boldly with one foot constantly in the past. Can’t change, won’t change! So this resulted in me bluffing about how I just wanted to go home and Henry (allegedly *not* bluffing) saying “FINE” and us getting in the car and starting to drive home. We had An Argument about how he is Not My Papppap and cannot afford to give me the Wildwood Trip of My Childhood but that he is Doing the Best That He Can and then after I spat out some torrent of obscenities, the car spoke back to me, “I’m sorry, I cannot find Fuck you Henry you ruin everything you dumb cunt” and then I started laughing so hard that I was crying and Henry turned the car around and we went back to Wildwood and proceeded to have the BEST TIME EVER.

LITERALLY.

THE BEST.

WE ALL GOT ALONG. NO ARGUING. HENRY BOUGHT ME EVERYTHING I WANTED. CHOOCH GOT TO BLOW MONEY IN THE ARCADES.

The Gold Crest 100% wasn’t even bad at all, and Henry if you’re reading this, I’m sorry that I let my emotions control me as usual. It was a struggle for me at first being back there because my Pappap was the greatest person in my whole entire life and I am so totally not over his death and still cry about him often (like right now as I type this) and I low key will admit that this is part of the reason I haven’t been back to Wildwood in over 30 years. I was so worried it wouldn’t hold up, that it was only as Babylonian as it was because my Pappap was there with me, that I had it built up too much in my head and would be disappointed returning there as an adult.

The Gold Crest ended up being perfect for us. It was actually across the street from my beloved Olympic, which, to be honest, might have actually been a let down had we stayed there because shortly after our last time there, they rebranded from the Olympic Motor Inn to the Olympic Island Beach Resort or something and that might have fucked with my brain. I think it’s better that we stayed somewhere different and now we can have a “new” traditional place to stay if we ever go back (LOL we are going back ASAP, bitch try and stop me).

I mean, part of the novelty of Wildwood is staying in a room with Golden Girls vibes and this place provided.

Chooch was happy because he got his own room and TV.

Dude. That 80s hotel art. Perfection.

After we got settled in (we were able to check-in early, thank god), we set off for THE BOARDWALK which was a walkable distance from the Gold Crest and the amount of times we’d walk and forth between the boardwalk and our hotel was staggering and is what helped push me past 40,000 steps on our second day in Wildwood!

Here are some pictures of Chooch grudgingly posing in front of the Boardwalk sign with me. He, at this point, still had no idea the fantastical things, sounds, and smells that were about to greet him once we walked up those steps!

In an effort to keep this post from being a novel, I’m just going to post pictures of the boardwalk and do a separate post about the rides at Morey’s Pier. OK, also it’s because I want to drag this out for as long as possible because this is the most happy and excited I’ve been since Korea. So sue me.

That moment when the RIDES BECAME VISIBLE.

Oh shit, you guys, my family was obsessed with “Hot Spot B” when we used to visit, and I have vague memories of sitting on a stool and eating a hotdog while being super anxious to get back to the rides. Hot Spot B isn’t there anymore but the original Hot Spot is, as well as two others. I was so excited to eat here!!

Chooch wasn’t impressed, he never is.

I mean you can’t really go wrong with boardwalk pizza!

I was just sad because they didn’t have any SHIRTS for sale.

Then Chooch got sucked into an arcade like a…Chooch to a Claw Machine.

This carpet gave me slight Gillcrest Gameroom vibes. </3

Chooch reminded me of Corey Haim’s character Sam from The Lost Boys, except that instead of a comic book store on the boardwalk, it was multiple arcades. He’d just text us when he needed more money. LOOK AT HIM IN THERE. Where did my little BABY GO.

Kohr Bros! I 100% do not remember this from my childhood but it must have been there because it says SINCE 1919??

I couldn’t spend a week on the beach, but I could probably spend a week cruising this boardwalk. Everything about it made me so happy.

A rare sighting of Chooch outside of his arcade habitat.

We left the boardwalk around 7:00pm, went back to the room and rested for a bit, and then came back around 9:00pm for some night ride action, which we will get to in the next post!

Literally, every time we walked past the Olympic, I made sure to make some asshole-y comment about how we COULD HAVE been staying there but Henry just blocked me out. There was a hotel nearby that was gutted and I said to Chooch, “I’m surprised he didn’t just have us squatting there for two nights” and then the next day, Henry tried to make a similar joke when we walked past it but Chooch and I both cut him off and said, “YEAH WE ALREADY SAID THAT TRY TO KEEP UP.” It’s amazing that Henry didn’t attempt to dump our bodies in the Atlantic.

I did really like the red door / turquoise curtains aesthetic that the Gold Crest had going for it though.

Morey’s Pier and boardwalk-after-dark recap coming next. Ciao for now!

But first! Here’s a mirror selfie from the lobby of whatever hotel we stayed at in Williamsburg the night before. I remember it being moderately decent so thank you Henry for considering my standards when booking this place. Also, I look like a crazy person here, probably because of THE LOCH NESS MONSTER run-around from earlier that night, omg just read the previous post if you have no idea what I’m talking about, god!

On Tuesday morning, we had plenty of time for once so we eschewed the complimentary hotel breakfast and had The Mama Steve’s Experience which was quite honestly a BIG HIGHLIGHT of the trip for me. You just never know what obscure feature of an itinerary is going to thoroughly tickle my obsession bone.

After my hyper-exciting Mama Steve’s visit, we began the hour-ish drive to Doswell, Virginia for some King’s Dominion action. We were recently here in 2019 so there are no new creds for Chooch to snag, but this park is too amazing to pass by, especially when we have Cedar Fair passes that give us free parking and entry. I mean, why the hell would you willingly skip a park that has one of the best B&M gigas, and a world-class RMC hybrid coaster?! Literally two of our favorite types of coasters!

We arrived a bit before gates opened, around 11:00am, and it was already a scorcher out there. That’s what I remember the most about waiting in that line:  feeling the rivulets of sweat sluicing down my back, ugh the horror.

Hilariously, once the gates opened and the line started to move, some bitches had the audacity to try to cut in front of us when we were next to go through security. Their excuse was that they had been standing near the front of the line but got out to go to the bathroom and when they came back, the line was moving. I said, “Oh well” and angled my body so they couldn’t squeeze in. I’m just so fucking sick of it. Go stand in line like everyone else! I swear to god we did not experience this bullshit at any amusement park we went to in South Korea or Japan. Maybe if we only went to one or  two parks a year, it wouldn’t make me so angry when you go to as many as we do and you see it happen at each damn place, the entitlement and 눈치 없다 (LACK OF CONSIDERATION) really starts to wear on a person.

Furthermore, yes they were letting us inside the park but only the front section is open and the rest of the pathways are cordoned off until noon, so what the fuck is the damn rush anyway, get to the back of the line. And it clearly didn’t take them that much longer to get inside, because once we walked to the path we needed for Twisted Timbers, they showed up less than 5 minutes after us. P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E.

Anyway!! We did not have to suffer through the National Anthem at 11:58am. Instead,  the security guard manning the gate at the path we were on yelled out a bunch of rules or whatever, and then (slowly!!) opened the gate for us. A handful of people ran but I had already proclaimed that I was not running since it wasn’t even that crowded to begin with, and it turned out we didn’t even need to because only one old Super Coaster Fan and a group of 5 teenaged boys beat us to the entrance of Twisted Timbers, which of course WASN’T EVEN DONE TESTING YET so we had to wait AGAIN.

I was super annoyed because the guy stationed at the entrance of the line sat there like an oaf the entire time, knowing full well that the kids in front of us wouldn’t be able to go through the line because they were wearing fanny packs and some coasters have a new-ish rule where all items larger than phones, wallets and keys have to be stored in a paid locker, and then once you get near the ride station and go through a metal detector, you’re directed off to an area of free complimentary lockers to stow away your small items. I love this new system and hope more parks start using it because it makes the actual ride ops go much smoother since people aren’t having to climb over the seats to put their shit in a bin on the other side of the platform, or worse – they’re trying to smuggle their phones on the ride and then slowing down the process because now they’re being stubborn and arguing with the ride operators. UGH. Just follow the goddamn rules – no one wants to get their teeth knocked out when you lose your grip on your phone because you’re trying to record a TikTok on a rollercoaster.

Honestly!!

Anyway, what I’m getting at is that this employee stared at these kids for the full 20 minutes they were standing there waiting for the line to open up, only to wait until he unchained the entrance to say, “You have to get a locker for those.” If he had said something to them earlier, I would have gladly let them back in line, especially because only one of them would have had to get out of line to do that, and the lockers were right across from us. Also, because they weren’t annoying me and it was kind of endearing because two of them had never ridden Twisted Timbers or anything remotely like it (one even said “what’s that?” when one of the friends mentioned airtime), and I really wanted them to get on this ride and love it!

So now, the older Coaster Enthusiast (who was in the Fast Pass line) was pretty much already at the station, while we were being held up behind a group of boys frantically trying to figure out what to do. Some dad got out of line to come over and tell them to just stash their stuff behind a bush, but surly unsmiling Twisted Timbers line guardian monotoned, “You can’t do that.”

FINALLY one of the guys took one for the team and said, “Here just give me your stuff and ride without me. I’ll get a locker.”

The Ultimate Sacrifice. The Henry of the Group.

What a hero!

By now though, no one else had joined Older Coaster Enthusiast (Henry said, “That guy probably comes here alone every day, rides his faves then leaves.” WHAT A LIFE!) so he got to ride the first train, alone and in the front seat! I WAS SO JEALOUS!!

But we got on the second one. Also taking one for the team was Our Henry who took all of our phones with him through the line and got the free locker, which caused him to fall behind us but he still managed to get on the train right after us and then called us assholes because we never wait for him and your whole group is actually supposed to leave the line together in order to get a locker but we were like BYEEE SUCKER.

Oh shit you guys, I can’t believe that the first time I ever rode this bad boy, I was underwhelmed. It was running SO GOOD on this day, and Chooch and I immediately got right back in line (without Henry lol). If you’ve never ridden an RMC, ya gotta get yourself on one. It will change your whole idea of what a roller coaster can be, IFSTG. Steel Vengeance at Cedar Point is still my favorite, but Twisted Timbers is probably my second. I’m dying to go to Poland and experience Zadra which looks like it COULD be the one to dethrone SteVe, ugh Covid please kindly fuck off.

The rest of the day was spent re-experiencing other faves, like Back Lot Stunt Coaster which might be run down and old at this point, and the effects don’t work anymore, but it’s still a fun time. AND we rode it with this super entertaining group. One of the guys behind us screamed really loud and high-pitched at the end when the train comes tearing out of the building and underneath the ride queue, and it was hilarious. Then he said something about how he hoped he wasn’t going to lose his voice since he had to be on TV the next day, causing Chooch and me to exchange silent “Ooooh?”s with our eyeballs. I bet he’s a news person, he had a news person voice.

As with almost every other park this year, staffing is an issue so tons of food places were closed for the season. The only ice cream place that was opened was a hard-packed ice cream joint and I just wanted soft serve. So that left Rita’s. Which, you know, was fine. Custard is good and their sprinkle mix has purple ones in it! That doesn’t happen often!

Sometimes I think I get soft serve just for the sprinkles. But don’t get it twisted (timbers) – I don’t like just ANY sprinkle. I’ve had some really gross ones before that have ruined the whole experience for me. These ones were pleasant though.

Made them ride the Racer. It was…not as fun as I remember, BUT it was memorable because the one ride attendant was a girl named Ty and she was SO JOYFUL. Henry and I were in the last row and she hung back there and engaged in conversations with every single person, including this one equally-chatty preteen who was telling her some long-winded story and Ty was being so polite that she almost got in trouble because she was supposed to be checking restraints – don’t worry, she checked them! She was just waiting for the girl to finish her story. Lol.

The chatty preteen told me she liked my Marcy tattoo and thank god Chooch was out of earshot because as you know he hates when I receive compliments. SORRY I AM NOT A PLAIN MOM.

I laughed when I saw this because my squirrels make that same pose as Henry sometimes! They sit up and look at me, one paw on their chest, as if they’re saying, “Who, me?” God I missed those kids while we were away! And the cats too obviously but I knew my mom was feeding them and playing with them while we were gone but I worried she wasn’t paying enough attention the squirrels. :/

I still don’t get why people love this ride so much, I truly thought I was going to die on it.

King’s Dominion is so beautiful. I think King’s Island has a SLIGHTLY better coaster collection, but King’s Dominion is the prettier of the two. And everyone there is so nice.

Halfway through the day, we had just gotten off a family ride on Apple Zapple when Chooch started to get real snotty. I can’t even remember what we started arguing about but it had something to do with where we were going to eat there and he just always has to have the last word which doesn’t work in this household because I’m the OG House Member and I am the one who has to have the last word. So then Henry Buttinsky had to get involved and I didn’t like the fact that he was on his OWN side and not defending me so I just fucking lost my shit and screamed, “THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY. WE’RE LEAVING.” And then I proceeded to storm off without them, all the way back to the car. When they finally caught up with me and Henry unlocked the door, I got in and slammed the door while Chooch was trying to apologize but you know what? BY THIS POINT IT WAS HENRY WHO I HATED so when he opened the driver’s side door I started screaming in his face about how he undermined my parental authority when he’s the one who always says, “If you have a problem with Chooch you need to handle it” like oh OK thanks dad, can you leave the parenting manual behind while you kindly go FUCK YOURSELF STRAIGHT TO HELL.

I don’t know if anyone was around in the parking lot for this but if they had been, they surely got a free show because my temper was making ALL OF MY VEINS pulsate and then I started full-on sobbing which is my body’s Code Red response to anger (we’ve yet to reach the Code Black response yet, which is surely murder). So now Henry had adopted his soothing therapist voice and Chooch was in the backseat profusely apologizing and I was hiccuping, “I hate both of you, you ruined my life!” But then I started laughing, dried off my face, and we all went back into the park where we managed to have a wonderful second half of the day.

Chooch had to pose for every picture I wanted After the Fight.

We rode Intimidator three times. I love this beast so much but holy shit, it is so forceful and rough – I grayed out so bad on one of the rides that I was actually concerned I wasn’t going to come back lol. The last time we rode it, there was a man in front of Henry who was SO EXCITED and he kept screaming about how many times he’d ridden Intimidator that day and how he was going to get right back on it. He was so pure. Be that guy.

I just asked Chooch if he has anything to add before I publish this and he said, “Hot. It was hot.” You can always count on Henry Jr. for scintillating reviews.

But yeah, it was hot. My face was MOIST with sweat puddles all day. It was so hot that we willingly went on Boo Blasters and Flight of Fear just for the A/C.

Love ya, King’s Dominion!

We decided to leave around 7 and get dinner outside of the park and miraculously we found a place about 30 minutes away that had veggie burgers!

Yo, Tito’s.

Yelp said that they were open until 9 and it was 7:45 when we got there BUT GUESS WHAT they actually closed at 8. We asked the waitress and she was like, “Yeah it’s OK though, you’re fine!” but I still felt bad. Luckily there were still people eating by the time we left so we didn’t actually close the place out.

You know we had the Heat Exhaustion when neither Chooch nor I could finish our meals. We ended up taking them to go and Chooch almost immediately started eating it in the car, oh to be a teenaged boy.

No, never mind. I do NOT want to be a teenaged boy.

It’s definitely still bizarre eating in restaurants again but I can tell you that after this trip, we are back to strictly take-out for the time being thanks to all the ANTI-VAXXERS making this pandemic worse for all of us again. It was wild while it lasted, but see ya on the other side, restaurants.

Anyway, after Tito’s we made our way to Baltimore, which is where we were crashing for the night before heading to WILDWOOD on Wednesday morning! Henry got us a room at a shitty LaQuinta because he loves to terrorize me with his cheapness but it turned out to be mostly OK I guess. All I want is to be able to sleep in a room without hearing screaming and (probably paid) fucking.